1. Hipdeep Family Intro ------------------------------------------------ O what a lovely set of cards, Huge trees with lights and balls and yards And yards of tinsel hung in loops And little children rolling hoops With stripey scarves behind them flapping, While indoors dogs and cats are napping, Stretched out on rugs before the fire. Here's one that's definitely dire, A lurid chromolitho is showing Some huddled cows on whom it's snowing. Inside there is a lengthy letter That all's for worse and not for better. It's from the Hipdeep family, All victims of calamity. If I am right from other years, I'll read aloud - prepare for tears. 2. ABC ------------------------------------------------ A is for Arsenic someone thought fun To include in the icing on top of a bun. B are for Bats that swoop out of the air And squeaking inaudibly catch in one's hair. C is for Cord of a moderate length, To hang oneself with it requires no great strength. D, E, F, G, H, I, J. K is for Kris with a blade that is wavy, One wonders why somebody smeared it with gravy. L's for a Letter that lay in a trunk, Its contents explain how the dinghy was sunk. M is for Madhouse where is confined A lady whose friends say she's out of her mind. N, O, P, P, P. Q is for Quilt wrapped 'round a dead torso, A sick-making sight could scarcely be more so. R is for Ray's wicked invention, That dissolves at a distance the parts you don't mention. S is for Suicide so it would seem, Who was it uttered that unfinished scream. T, U, V, W, X. Y is for Yonder where someone is lying, Who proves, seen close, to be somebody dying. Z is for Zero, the hour of doom, It will strike any minute - but no one knows whom. 3. The Weeping Chandelier ------------------------------------------------ One morning in the attic Theodora's Mother told her to play, She saw their furniture being taken away. She presently found she's been locked in, Some bats found her sobbing. They helped Theodora escape By a window which they by their wings did break. By the edge of a dump they found a new place to live Then a music hall turn they worked up and did. In the provinces the act they first broke, Theodora danced, the bats walked the tightrope, Theodora played castanets, the bats played guitars, Then they somersaulted up into the stars. The Weeping Chandelier Between performances Theodora made the sweaters for the bats, Soon all over Europe large crowds they did attract. One afternoon at a charity tango tea Theodora met the Duque de Sangree He showed Theodora his magic chandelier Which wept when dancers they appeared Every time a waltz or a tango was played. Several weeks later their betrothal was made. The Weeping Chandelier Theodora's Mother saw her wedding photo, She knew their daughter lost so long ago. But sadly the end is not happy to tell Theodora's Mother from a balcony fell. Theodora's Father while grieving fell off a cliff, The bats all drowned on board a ship. The Duke was eaten by a shark, And Theodora died of a broken heart. The Weeping Chandelier The Weeping Chandelier The Weeping Chandelier! 4. Jesus on the Windshield ------------------------------------------------ It goes to show what's most despised May well someday be highly prized. The Sniggles back in '45 One day went out for a ride. 'Omletta, get in the back seat', Said Uncle to his little niece, 'But on the windshield is Jesus'. 'Omletta, don't be ridiculous.' But neither sponge or razor blade Any effect on the windshield made. Her Father Slackjaw chanced pass by. When mother Mildred she asked why 'Look at Jesus', said the little girl, The priest said 'It's a miracle'. The papers the priest did call Set windshield up in parish hall, The crowds grew larger, how they queued. Miracle cures they had them too, Postcards, T-shirts, plates and cups, The sales figures went up and up. The Sniggles built a house and smiled, Carpeted it in shaggy pile, But sadly Omletta she did die, But someday she will be canonized. 5. Besotted Mother ------------------------------------------------ Her husband left Goola Flibbage before the baby was weaned To support herself and Florabelle as a charwoman she cleaned She thought there had never been such a beautiful child, her friend she did concur, She wondered how beautiful she would look in a costume of white bunny fur. The besotted mother of Florabelle She bought a tam, some mittens, a coat with a little cape, A necklet, booties, and to complete the ensemble a muff with a funny shape. The first coolish day of autumn she dressed Florabelle in them all, And she left her outside a greengrocer when greengrocer did she call. The besotted mother of Florabelle A pack of wild dogs came round the corner, The butcher's their intention, They ripped Florabelle to pieces In a second. 6. Gin ------------------------------------------------ To him remarked his fiancée As he was set to go away, "Whatever peril you are in Swear you won't resort to gin". Once he arrived in regions far He went to visit the bazaar. Against the fearful native din He sought to take a sip of gin, Gin, gin, gin When he, arrayed in khaki pants, Would go out shooting elephants The sun would make his head spin He took a thermos full of gin As fierce uprisings were put down Time after time inside the town He celebrated every win By toasting all his troops in gin. Gin, gin, gin He mumbled "I'm awfully tired", Then shortly after he expired, But not before one last tin Of something that was labelled "Gin". Gin, gin, gin His fiancée came with a wreath As he was laid six feet beneath, Abandoned by his kith and kin Because he did succumbed to gin. Gin, gin, gin 7. Learned Pig ------------------------------------------------ At the turn of the last century an unusual pig was reared. While others wallowed in the mud on vans' letters he peered, While others wallowed he taught himself to read From an abandoned library edition the works of Regera Dowdy. To escape the usual fate of pigs he fled to London town, He lived off garbage here and there and read every poster found. One day he answered the rhetorical question of a passing boy, Now in the fairground his skills they are employed. He was put to sit on a bucket in front of a banner To answer stupid questions in a profound manner. Soon he'd heard each question, each question before, So now in the fairground he's starting to get bored. One day in mid-answer passed a troupe of festive pigs, He got down, got run over and now no longer lives. He's up there in pig heaven, up there in the sky, He reads to all the other pigs, the other pigs who have died. 8. Hertha Strubb ------------------------------------------------ Oh Hertha Strubb - where can she be? She would have been just twenty-three. Was she murdered by cut-throats lurking in her room? Why did she not return on that Sunday afternoon? Did she elope with a man she was seen with previous November? To an early grave did he send her? Oh Hertha Strubb - where can she be? She would have been just twenty-three. Did she join an obscure religious cult, With ritual suicide as the result? Was she burned as a heretic at the stake, Or does she lie in the baptist cemetery in Ohio state? Oh Hertha Strubb - where can she be? She would have been just twenty-three. Does she lie bleeding on a mendicant knife-grinder's floor? Or did she perish on some rocky shore? Did she fall down the manhole that was open by mistake Or did she choke on a piece of fruit cake? Oh Hertha Strubb - where can she be? She would have been just twenty-three. 9. Dreadful Domesticity ------------------------------------------------ As soon as they were bound in marriage They discovered their mistake And as they drew off in the carriage Each pondered what steps to take. The honeymoon was merely dreary And by the time that it was through Their brains were overwrought and weary, Plotting hateful things to do. They reached their villa numb with loathing As it was fading into light, They cast aside their outer clothing, And parted mutely for the night. Oh dreadful domesticity At two with scissors she came creeping To his room and deftly sheared, While he lay strenuously sleeping, Uneven notches in his beard. Then on the day they had been wedded A dozen years they paused aghast, The possibility they had dreaded Have come at last. They had exhausted all the other Revenges for existing wrongs, And so they fell on one another, Him with hammer, her with tongs. Oh dreadful domesticity A week went by, a tradesman calling Peered in and gave a sickened gulp, For on the carpet they were sprawling, A single bloody heap of pulp. 10. QRV ------------------------------------------------ The sky went dark When from the park Came gasps of agony A common pin It did him in Was dipped in QRV On the left bank She quickly sank Into depravity She later died Of suicide From drinking QRV Q! R! V! They found him dead Upon his bed Contorted horribly His breath was still His lungs were filled With fumes of QRV With grief her life Was strangely rife Her children died at sea In failing health She sank her wealth In shares of QRV With carving knives They lost their lives Sent to eternity Who would suspect A local sect That pedalled QRV Q! R! V! While skipping past A rail too fast They perished clumsily What did they do But fall into A vat of QRV Among the dead Were listless Ned Aunt Glou Glou Lady Twee The Woolly Flames And Little James Done in by QRV Who once was pretty Gay and witty A spirit wild and free Now lies half dead Across the bed A slave to QRV Q! R! V! One day she wrote A farewell note She wanted to be free They found her stripped Within her crypt Done in by QRV Ask not for whom Was raised this tomb Which stands above the sea But know inside Lies one who died From taking QRV Q! R! V! 11. Histoire de Kay ------------------------------------------------ One fateful day Kay’s mother took her into a building lobby They took turns pinching and twisting her little body They made her stand in positions more and more bizarre Then they made her repeat them daily at a thing they called a barre They put her on a diet, they said her wrists they did appall And they made her wear a strange garment, a tutu it was called She danced her first role as a friend of La Fille mal Gardee After she'd been made to join a sinister group, the corps de ballet The critics said of her performance, 'Better you don't do' In a fit of spite someone put ground glass, ground glass in her toeshoes She took the elastics from her ballet things Stitched them together and hanged herself in the wings 12. Trampled Lily ------------------------------------------------ One afternoon Lily was having a nice clean dream, A young man with a moustache approached her ingratiating and clean. He took her for a walk in the park and he put his finger in her glove, He took her to an apartment and to her he made love. Trampled Lily, Trampled Lily The next day before going out he presented her with a bottle of gin. After that in the mornings she read ladies' magazines In the afternoon she entertained gentlemen on the bed, Young man gave way to an older man with a heavy beard. The next day before going out he presented her with a ruffled pegnoir of gin, After that in the mornings she read ladies' magazines. In the afternoon she entertained gentlemen on the bed, The moustached man gave way to an older man with a heavy beard. Trampled Lily, Trampled Lily Under the influence of a lecture from a passing senator she decided to reform, She was moved to a back bedroom with bars like a a prison dorm. She gave birth to a defective infant placed in an orphanage overfull And as she lost her freshness on the streets the punters she pulled. Trampled Lily, Trampled Lily She was continually harassed by masculine women in black bonnets trying to set her free, Before her twentieth birthday she died of a loathsome disease. 13. Hipdeep Family ------------------------------------------------ In January Cousin Fred, We found him in the attic dead. In February's odd adventure Father lost his dentures. In March Fiona had a fright When coming home alone one night, Some men in a long black car Made her get in and drove her far. In April Horace left behind What little thought, what little mind He may have had. In the result He joined an unknown eastern cult, Tattooed his ears, pierced his nose, Glides around on henna-ed toes. His relatives are unforgiving, Assert he's no longer living. The Hipdeep family In May Aunt Flo began to sneeze, Which heralded some strange disease. In June Jeffrey got himself arrested He's still far and wide detested. In July Mama's pin-money dwindled Away to nought when she was swindled. In August Bruno had a fit, A passing tot he went and bit. The Hipdeep family In September we were sad to lose Miss Grey while on a cruise She happened to fall overboard Into Norway's deepest fjord. In October Alice was betrothed To Edgard whom she found she loathed, His behavior ever since Has been enough to make her wince. In November it was rather frightning When Baby Boo was struck by lightning, The experts think perhaps he'll walk And even sort of learn to talk. And in December Amy's luck was rotten, While singing 'Die Frau ohne Schatten', Without warning lost her voice, A twist of fate, had no choice. The Hipdeep family So much for us, we hope that you Have managed somehow to get through The year and so can celebrate A bit before the hands of fate Shall get us in its grip again, But we anticipate our Gorey end.