[music]
I estimate this soap has one more good washing left.
Dang.
It's so small I can't even find it.
What's with the bath?
Did the shower reject you again?
I'm trying to think of a product idea.
I read that Einstein
did his best thinking in the bath.
It's the warm water.
That's the same theory behind instant soup.
Would you mind not staring at me?
Uh, what's the camera for?
That's my voice-activated, motion-sensitive
hovering Dilcamcorder
specially designed to record my brilliant ideas.
Oh, I hope that's what that's for.
I'm sitting in water.
I can't use my laptop computer.
Hmm. So that's your story.
Yes, it is.
As an engineer,
obviously you know
that a bathtub is the least efficient form of bathing.
I'm thinking up ideas.
You're sitting in your own filth.
Some of it's in the water.
It's kind of like rinsing your fruit
in the sewer to wash the pesticides off.
Okay. Bath is over.
Ugh. Why don't you invent a product
that keeps your skin from wrinkling after a bath?
Kind of a de-pruner.
Dogbert, that is the vainest, most superficial idea
I've ever heard.
Thank you.
I don't want to de-prune people.
I want to make the world a better place to live in.
Is this where you thought up your invention
that reversed global warming?
Yes. The bath water helps me think.
And why are you filming yourself?
I told you.
I can't use the laptop in the bath.
So, you're sticking to that story?
Yes, I am.
You know, you're sitting in your own filth.
I'm trying to think of an invention
to fix that too.
I think it's called the SHOWER.
This fantasy's been a profound disappointment.
[music]
[CHANTING] Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[CARS HONKING]
Ooh, yuck!
WOMAN'S VOICE: All pedestrians eliminated.
Game over.
Can we do some work now?
One more game.
I think I can get to the rest home
if I blow up the day care center.
Welcome to pedestrian outrage.
Remember, I'm the only woman who loves you.
Registered user: Wally.
He's hooked.
We're on a deadline here.
We need to design
the company's new flagship product
and we need it yesterday.
Yesterday?
Then it's already too late.
Which means...
Yes! One more game.
Everything's been invented.
No, it hasn't.
A time machine.
That's just one example.
[SIGHS] All right. Let's go with a time machine.
[TRUCK HORN BLARES]
[CRASH]
Well, that's it.
I'm inured to violence now.
[HUMMING]
Well, how's the prototype coming?
Hmm?
A rotating cube.
I like it.
Can we be first to market?
That's a screen saver.
Save the technical mumbo jumbo.
I just want to know if it'll work.
It'll work, but everyone already has one.
That's no good.
What else do you have?
We were tossing around the idea of a time machine.
Well, you'd better get going on that.
I've heard there's a rival engineering department
right here in our own organization
moving into our turf
and developing their own prototype.
Just out of curiosity
who's running the other department?
Lena.
Lena? You mean there really is a Lena?
I always thought she was just a myth.
She's more than a myth.
She's like the Xena of engineers.
I heard when she was attending Wellesley
as a foreign exchange student, there was an incident
where she severed a couple of classmates' heads
with a hockey stick.
None of the witnesses ever talked about that day.
If no one talked
how do we all know the story?
I read it on her Web page.
Uh-oh.
I heard a rumor
that she steals the ideas of other engineers
then cuts off their heads so they can't talk.
I like Wally's story better.
Anyway, no shame in being a runner-up.
After all, Albany is BEAUTIFUL THIS TIME OF YEAR.
ALL: Albany?
Whoever designs the next prototype
will need more floor space.
I'll have to relocate
the unproductive engineers
to our facility in Albany.
[WIND WHISTLING]
[TYPING]
Hey, look at this, Alice.
"Home Liposuction Kit."
You could take one of these babies and-- Ooh!
We're doomed.
Lena's team is probably half-done with their prototype.
We don't even have an idea.
Lena is totally overrated.
We can beat her.
I don't care if most of the engineers
have gone over to her side.
Lena's team is so big,
you could get lost in the crowd
and never have to lift a finger.
ALICE: They might get the big raises and the party atmosphere
but they'll never know the satisfaction that comes
from really hard work.
You could have worded that better.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Can I help you?
I've got to get to work and you're blocking me.
Although it might seem that way on the surface
in reality, it's you that's blocking yourself.
You're right.
How do you know that?
It's what I do.
You're a garbage man.
Exactly.
Well, can you at least move the truck?
It is moving.
It only seems like it's standing still.
By the way, thanks for recycling.
[STRAINED] Lena.
[FOREIGN ACCENT] Dilbert, I am so very sorry.
You must have been in my blind spot.
I was right in front of you.
Exactly.
You look so pale and sickly.
That's because I can't...breathe.
[PANTING]
I cannot tell you how excited I am
for the opportunity to work on a prototype
against such a pro like yourself.
Me?
I am a huge FAN OF YOUR WORK.
You are?
I only hope I can come up
with something half as brilliant as you...
because I'm sure as hell not going to Albany.
You know, you're slightly more friendly than I imagined.
Really?
You don't say.
I mean, all the gossip
about how cutthroat and Machiavellian you are.
Well, you know how people exaggerate.
And the rumors about Fred--
the engineer who mysteriously disappeared
after his project went up against yours?
Yes. Rumors. All rumors.
Unless a witness comes forward.
DILBERT: Hmm.
What did you bring for lunch?
Oh, salad.
[SIGHS]
She touched me.
Hey, great. You're finally getting into it.
What'd you come up with?
It's nothing. Nothing yet.
Still a work in progress.
Give me a few minutes to clean it up.
Look. There's no time for niceties.
We're on a deadline.
Just let me see.
What the heck?
"Oh Lena Sweet Lena
"A female divinity
My passions exceed Pi R-squared times infinity"?
Have you lost your mind?
That is not only the most nauseating thing
I've ever read
It's meaningless if R is undefined.
Poetic license.
Man, she must have blown some smoke
up your butt.
Did she use a giant fan or just some kind of hose?
I think you're jealous.
Jealous?
I think I speak for all women capable of reproduction
when I say...no.
What's a word that rhymes with gradient?
She is sabotaging us.
Have you ever been to Albany?
Gradient...gradient...
Radiant.
I can't believe I'm saying this
but I think we were better off when Wally was here.
We actually need him.
Ugh!
[MUFFLED CHEERING]
Wally?
Yes?
Wally, it's us.
So it is.
He doesn't recognize us.
Of course he does.
Wally, old pal, we need you to come back to the team.
I am not of your team.
I am of Team Lena.
Praise Lena.
Snap out of it, you half-wit.
[GRUNTS]
Pain. Lena said there would be pain for those who leave.
I see she was right
but I only left to go to the bathroom.
Lena, I'm coming back!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Wally, it's Dilbert and Alice.
Don't you remember us?
You...you were from the before time
when I was not of Team Lena.
Praise Lena.
Lena, I return to you!
I swear I will never use the men's room again!
Boy, he's got it bad.
The worse part is I like him better this way.
Hey, look at that.
She's holding me up as an example to her team.
I told you she respects me.
My people, behold the anti-me.
[AUDIENCE JEERING]
Victory is not enough.
We must destroy our opponent.
We will not only build a better prototype,
we will build it
upon the crushed bones and torn flesh of Dilbert!
[CHEERING]
Dilbert, how wonderful to see you here.
Alice.
Lena.
We were just passing by.
Look, Dilly, I was wondering
if you weren't doing anything later
maybe we could get together
and talk about...things.
[STAMMERING] Oh, uh, sure. Yeah.
My-my cubicle is...
No, no, no, no, no.
Not here at the office.
I was thinking perhaps
your place.
[STAMMERING]
Dilbert!
Yes?
Around 7?
Great. See you tonight.
I got a date.
I got a date!
Hoo-hoo! Yeah!
ASOK: Package for you, Alice.
Let's see.
Lena's plate is at positive point five longitude,
negative three latitude.
My plate is at positive point five longitude
Positive three point latitude.
Lena's fork is at positive two point five longitude
negative three latitude.
Lena's fork.
Decapitate Dilbert, steal idea,
two quarts milk, a box of meusli.
Mm. I hate Origami.
I have a date.
Boy, that was weird.
I thought you said you had a date.
Want to buy a tape?
I'm kind of busy right now.
Half off.
Two for one.
Supplies are limited.
Goodbye, Dogbert.
Lena, long time, no see.
Dogbert, always a pleasure.
Hello, Dilbert.
[VOICE QUAVERING] Oh.
Lena. Did you have any trouble
finding the place?
No, the global positioning coordinates
you gave were perfect.
Well, come in. Sit down.
Can I get you something to drink?
Yes. I'll have a Triple Brandy Alexander
with an Easter Island Sunset chaser.
A wha...?
How are those drinks coming, Dilly?
Any minute now, my Swedish, uh, meatball.
Crap.
Crud.
Idiocy.
Garbage.
Nothing.
Where would that imbecile keep his notes?
[SWITCHES ON]
It's so small I, I... I can't even find it.
That's more than I needed to know.
[FAST-FORWARD VIDEO GARBLE]
DOGBERT: Why don't you invent a product
that keeps your skin from wrinkling after a bath?
Kind of a de-pruner?
It could work.
It could just work.
You want that--
[TIRES SCREECHING]
to go?
Lena!
Holy mother of...
Hello?
[GASPS]
Oh, my God. Fred, is that you?
Dilbert.
Yes.
Dilbert, this is Joe
Frank, Ed, and Larry.
Hi, how you doing? Hi, Dilbert.
Nice to meet you.
Get out while you still can.
Get out?
Yes, get out.
Can't you see? We're severed heads in a jar.
Maybe it didn't work out with you guys,
but that doesn't mean it won't work out with me.
She really likes ME.
HEADS: That's what she said to me.
She said that to all of us.
Oh.
There you are.
What took you so long?
What took me so long?
You built this VCR from broken parts?
Of a washing machine.
It's so small, I can't even find it.
Hey, where'd you get that?
I got it used at a swap meet.
I think you should know
this transdermal hydro-elastic regenerator
is well within the realm of possibility.
You mean the de-pruner?
Take a look.
Well, what do you know?
By increasing the gaseous conduction analyzer
and factoring in the shift
of the gyroscopic stabilizer... Huh.
It's obvious...
in retrospect.
A bona fide cell recycling machine.
Well, I'll be.
Actually...
you already are.
I don't know what to say.
I'm not surprised.
Can I have this?
What am I going to do with it?
I'm a garbage man.
[MACHINE POWERING UP]
[HORN SOUNDING]
Yes. A cell recycling machine.
Pretty darn spiffy.
Team Lena is going down.
Must one person's triumph
be another's humiliation?
Of course.
LENA: We stand at the dawning of a new age
where man transcends his mortality
and becomes Superman.
Yeah, and I'm Batgirl. Get on with it.
Shh!
And so, I present to you
the eighth wonder of the world
the de-pruner.
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
Oh.
36 hours!
36 hours immersed in water.
I can't feel my legs.
Now...behold!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
We better rent Ironweed.
Hey, Wally!
I got your trunks!
Woo!
But the best part
is what my invention can do for your sex lives!
It's so small,
I can't even find it.
Oh, yes.
De-pruning is the ultimate aphrodisiac
for married couples only, of course.
She's making me think of sex
at the same time I see you naked.
Now I've got Dilbert and sex in the same part of my brain!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Get it out!
You made this happen.
You made me think of Dilbert
and sex at the same time!
You've ruined sex for me!
Forever!
I'm starting to be insulted.
Lena must pay!
[HUMMING]
Ho!
Our special today is an angry horde of rioters
who will trample you and your date.
Ooh, I'll have that--
Oh, forgive me, madam.
I had no-- Honey?
Darling, I can explain.
Hey, that's some deal.
Yeah, I'll take two.
Kind of funny how things turn out.
I haven't lost yet, buddy boy.
I'll cut off your head
and send your scrawny girlfriend Alice to Albany.
Girlfriend?
Me? His?
Have you gone mad?
She's nuts.
75% off.
Last chance before they're pulled from the market
repackaged as a deluxe edition and then put back on THE MARKET.
[MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]
I've got images in my brain I'll never get out!
I knew I shouldn't have added that option.
[LENA SHRIEKS]
Well, better this than Albany.
I wonder how this shows up on our head count report.
[CHUCKLING]
[LAUGHING]
DOGBERT: Feeling inadequate?
Not measuring up to the other guys?
Well, you're probably right.
So give me $29.95 and I guarantee
you'll feel a lot better.
It's so small, I can't even find it.
[GASPS]
I can't even find it. I MEANT SOAP.
I was talking about soap.
Wasn't it obvious?
I was talking about soap.
Soap!
[music]