In this episode of SCIENTIFIC TRUTH JOURNAL
we'll explore the theory of evolution
and we'll implicitly mock
the people who hold opposing viewpoints.
Hmm. Evolution-- What a crock.
Can we change it, please?
Evolution is a scientific fact, unless you're ignorant.
If it's a fact, why is it called a theory?
There are scientific reasons.
It's all very complicated.
Give me one good argument for evolution.
First of all, the only alternative is unthinkable.
It's raining toads.
Maybe I should say the only alternative is unproven.
Is that your whole argument?
No. There... there's extensive fossil records.
...extensive fossil records
including this definitive find on the African subcontinent.
[GASPS]
It's a skull fragment
of our earliest ancestors.
I have found the missing link!
Look! The rest of the skull.
Oops.
I'll grant you that some of the evidence
is inconclusive, but when you put it all together...
Thanks to advanced computer graphics...
and clay...
we have recreated the missing link.
Now, this would be a good time
for you to renounce
your irrational belief in evolution
and change the channel.
I'd like to hear your THEORY.
My theory is that all the species that ever existed
are still around.
They're just hiding.
That's ridiculous.
Hey, guys.
BOTH: Hi, Bob.
Oh, finally.
[EXPLOSION]
[music]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
Who moved my pencil sharpener?
Oh, no.
Those are not my shavings.
Who adjusted my monitor?
Who fondled my mouse?!
Who had the unmitigated gall
To soil my mouse with their grubby paws?!
[GRUNTING]
Hey, shut up in here.
Some of us are trying to work.
Hypothetically.
My cubicle's been defiled.
Someone's been in here.
Did they take anything?
I don't think so, but... ah!
Is that a yes?
Someone's been accessing the internet with my computer.
I'm no psychologist,
but I think Dilbert is suffering
from manic-depressive episodes
coupled with an acute delusional paranoia.
If you're not a psychologist,
then how can you say that?
I'm entitled to my opinion.
Wally? Yes?
Were you using my cubicle?
I barely use my own cubicle.
Alice?
Please. Your cubicle is a hotbed for cooties.
You can get fired for using the internet for personal stuff.
You're in big trouble.
How many personal web sites have you accessed?
I haven't accessed any!
So YOU say.
Ew! I touched your mouse.
Ew! Ew! What the hell am I thinking?
Look at those web sites on the history log.
I've never heard of any of them.
"Elf Hooters.
"Naked Troll Booty.
Little People, Huge--" Ow!
What was I thinking?
Someone's into hard-core leprechaun porn, big time.
Dilbert! You disgust me.
It wasn't me.
[MAN HUMMING]
Boss alert.
Am I interrupting anything important?
We've never done anything important.
Well, before you do, I need the three of you
to attend a meeting with the vendor who sells us
the Dullie dry erase markers for the white boards.
Why? Just because they asked for a meeting?
Right. I said I'd go and I realized
I'd have to have some technical support.
Technical support?
For marker pens?
Do I detect a hint of sarcasm in your voice?
[SARCASTICALLY] No.
I didn't think so.
You don't know where these conversations can end up.
You start with dry erase markers
next thing you know
You're talking about... Oh, I don't know.
Something very technical?
Exactly. See? Wally knows.
I know it's a meeting with outside vendors.
And that means free food, and quality
not those stale chips and the black guacamole.
What color is guacamole supposed to be?
All right, all right, what time?
Check with your secretary.
I don't have a secretary.
Oh, too bad.
They're really quite great.
[HUMMING ]
Hey, here's a strange coincidence.
Another web site that's been surfed.
The Dullie dry erase marker web site.
Someone around here is into a weird scene.
Says the woman who collects unicorn art.
[COMPUTER DINGS]
E-mail.
Busted.
Someone's going down.
Someone's going to take the fall.
Someone's going to...
Wally, shut up.
You'll be okay if you just stick
with the story you told us.
It's not a story.
Hey, that's good.
That look of indignation really sells it.
Do you have an appointment?
You called me.
Excuse me? I said...
Answer my question.
I did. I did.
I see.
Still want to play games? Me?
Yes, you. What do you want with me?
Sign the papers.
I can't see them.
Oh, poor you.
It's just a simple confession.
Standard procedure in the human resources department.
"Using the internet for personal business.
"Pilfering dry erase markers.
Kidnapping the Lindbergh baby"?
"Shooting Larry Flynt"?
Wait a minute.
I'm not signing this.
Oh, yes, you are.
I make a fortune at autograph shows.
Hey, wait a minute.
I didn't do any of these things.
You should have thought of that
before I forged your confession.
Thanks for playing.
Now, go away.
CATBERT: Attention! Attention!
Dilbert has signed the confession.
You may treat him like a pariah.
That is all.
Also, outside vendor meeting in conference room.
Come on, Dilbert.
We know a short cut to the meeting.
Where are we? In the Jeffries Tube?
It's the air conditioning duct.
Oh. That's a disappointment.
We're close to the conference room.
I smell free lunch meat.
[SNIFFING]
And if I'm not mistaken, cantaloupe.
Why would someone leave a dry erase marker here?
Maybe it's empty.
That answer is, like, so stupid.
WALLY: Never mind that. We're here.
Food, glorious...
[ALL SCREAMING]
ALICE: Oh, my lord.
DILBERT: Picked clean.
This can't be happening.
We're the only ones who knew the shortcut.
Wally, pull yourself together.
Put the feedbag on, boys!
[GASPING]
The food!
It's gone!
All the food!
It's gone!
It's all gone!
Gone!
The food!
It's all gone!
[CRYING] Why?
Why couldn't you share?
It wasn't me. Ask Dilbert.
Wally didn't eat anything.
I can vouch for him.
Then maybe it was Dilbert.
Tell him, Wally.
Tell him what happened.
I wasn't with him the whole time.
Wally!
You wouldn't want me to lie, would you?
He's a pig! He ate our food!
String him up!
Hang Dilbert! Get a rope!
Back down! None of us ate it.
It was like this when we got here.
How do we know it wasn't you, ALICE?
CROWD: Yeah! Yeah!
I can prove it!
Look here...
Any more questions?
Sixty-seven, 68...
Okay, you see, yesterday I had 273 staples in here
Today, 272.
Did you staple anything?
Oh... yeah.
But I'm definitely missing 26 millimeters of scotch tape
and someone used my ruler.
How can you tell?
Is it shorter or something?
Look at the edge.
That's graphite from a regular pencil.
I only use mechanical pencils with the ruler.
Doesn't leave a mark.
Here's your mail, Dilbert.
Troll T & A...
Pygmies in Panties...
And Hot Homunculi.
Great! Now I'm on a mailing list.
Hello, Thumbelina.
That's disgusting! I could sue you both
for making this a hostile workplace.
Ten minutes ago you beat a man senseless.
He was senseless before I beat him.
We've got to solve this thing.
Let's start by making a list
Of all the missing items on the board.
Oh, there are a lot of advantages to tiny women.
Give me those.
Now, hand me a dry erase marker, please.
I don't see any.
Well, it's right over...
Hey, where'd it go?
Don't have a panic attack. I'll get you one.
Wait-- mine are all gone too.
WALLY: Same here.
This is very odd.
I wonder if the literature says anything about this phenomenon.
That's it?
There's only one left?
Got it.
Hey... hey!
DILBERT: What's going on?
[SCREAMING]
[LAUGHING]
What happened?
We're not alone.
All right, FIRST THINGS FIRST...
Unless something more important comes up
and then we could handle that prior to the first thing.
Wouldn't the thing
prior to the first thing be THE FIRST THING?
Technically, we're doing the first thing now.
So that WOULD BE THE SECOND THING.
Everything's moving so fast!
One of the topics--
I forget which one--
Is the rash of thefts in the office.
You can get a rash from stealing?
I think I had that once.
Our losses due to the theft
of dry erase markers has skyrocketed.
It's ruining the company.
Why don't we stop buying dry erase markers?
Because then we wouldn't have any.
We don't have any now.
Alice, you're-you're-you're thinking like an engineer.
Try to think like a manager.
Okay.
I can't think.
Does anyone have a theory
about who's taking the dry erase markers?
Well, this might sound crazy...
I'm all ears.
Well, uh, not really, but...
Uh, go on.
I believe the markers are being stolen
by tiny people-- a new species, like elves...
Sort of an evolutionary offshoot from humans.
I don't know why you would think that WOULD SOUND CRAZY.
Whoo-whoo.
Well, damn it
How do we stop this evolution thing?
We can't stop evolution.
If anything, it may be an opportunity
to understand it better.
Loud Howard?
I'm afraid of tiny people!
They can run in your mouth!
Am I the only one worried about that?!
These tiny people can't be evolved from us.
If they were, there'd be signs of an intermediate species;
people who are
in between normal-sized people and elf-sized people.
Shut up.
We can't handle this situation alone.
We need someone who is an expert on evolution.
How about someone who finds elves
using a divining rod?
No, that would be like the opposite of what we need.
Oh, too bad.
I hired him this morning.
Grab a seat.
Empty chair...
This is ridiculous.
You can't find tiny people with a stick.
That's what they said to Jonas Salk.
Jonas Salk invented the polio vaccine.
Yes, but after THEY TOLD HIM
that he couldn't find tiny people with a stick.
Fine, you use the stick.
I've got a few tricks in my engineering bag.
You don't have
an engineering bag.
You could use Alice.
Ow!
It looks like a variation
on the Lancaster-Phelps containment design.
But can it catch an elf? That's the question.
Only one thing can kill an elf--
A silver bullet.
After I find them
It's up to you to gun them down.
These aren't real silver bullets.
They're just regular bullets spray painted silver.
Mine's only half painted.
I need more silver.
Thank you.
It is done.
If any beam is broken
it will set off the system.
And, now... the cheese.
[ALARM BEEPING]
All right, Wally, it's my watch.
You can catch some sleep and...
[SNORING]
Wally, wake up!
What?
How long have you been asleep?
I-I'm not sure. What's today?
Oh!
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICES] music 99 dry erase markers music
music On the white board music
music 99 dry erase markers music
music You take one down And sniff it all dry music
music 98 dry erase markers music
[SLURRED] Hey, wait, wait, wait!
It looks like a variation
on the Lancaster-Phelps containment design.
Damn, they're not elves.
They're tiny engineers.
Gross!
Only one way around this design.
Every design has an Achilles heel.
Hey, they're getting away!
It's a narc!
Run for it, man!
You go that way. I'll go this way.
Why?
Why? Why what?
Why do you get to go that way?
Maybe somebody else would like to go that way.
Do you WANT TO GO THAT WAY?
Not particularly.
Then go that WAY!
[LITTLE PEOPLE MURMURING]
Uh-oh, the man.
[SCREAMING]
Hey, guys, quick!
You got to see this.
[GRATEFUL DEAD MUSIC PLAYING]
ALICE: Whoa... little freaks.
Wait a minute, isn't that bill from the test engineering group?
DILBERT: Yeah...
and Joan from tech support.
She once held the elevator for me.
Ooh, man... and Marcia, and Ted and Henry.
I thought they were laid off years ago.
Ted, you tiny bastard, you owe me five bucks.
Shh, you're going to scare them off.
They've been downsized...
Literally.
They're disgusting vermin.
Just because they're small?
No.
I shared a cubicle with that Ted guy-- P-yew.
I think they're all hooked on sniffing those markers.
To blunt the pain
of their bleak, dismal existence.
You think that helps?
I guess they just stayed in the building
after the layoffs
close to their source of markers.
What should we do?
I never would've thought downsizing would have
such a literal impact on their cellular structure.
We have to help them.
Okay, except for Ted, who I will keep in a terrarium.
DOGBERT: And you doubted the power
of the divining rod.
The little people have been located.
Here's a picture of one of them.
Run for your lives!
They're not dangerous.
They're actual former employees who were downsized.
They seem to be addicted to the dry erase markers.
Is it that hard to see ourselves
in their tiny shoes?
[LAUGHING]
Yes.
Oh... so, anyway, seriously, to get rid of the infestation
I've hired a mysterious foreigner
who says he can lure them out
by playing an irresistible melody
on his piccolo.
And when that doesn't work
I pump the building full of insecticide.
Insecticide?
You can't kill them just because they're annoying.
You don't really know until you try.
[PLAYING MELODIC TUNE]
Boo! Boo! Boo!
Hey, man, get off the stage!
You suck!
Yeah!
Save the rain forest!
Sugar magnolia!
Not only are they small and sneaky,
they know NOTHING about music!
On to phase two.
DILBERT: You know, I think you
could have waited for the weekend
when we weren't here.
Oh, don't be such a baby.
I was assured the insecticide
is almost never deadly to full-grown humans.
Now, suck it up and get back to work.
Where are you going?
Me? I'm taking a long lunch.
I'll be back Thursday.
Look... I can fly.
I just saw God.
Oh, this stuff is better than the markers.
There'll be no stopping them now.
They're going to take over.
[COUGHING]
Maybe...
[COUGHING]
We should shoot them.
Why?
[COUGHING]
They haven't done anything wrong.
I think the blond is smiling at me.
[COUGHING]
She's inebriated.
All the better.
[COUGHING]
Who's going to sign for this?
I will. Let me. You signed last time.
Allow me.
Keep it coming, bro.
Whoa, Dilbert's stressed.
Come on, bro, get on the love train.
I'm a little busy right now.
I'll catch a later train.
Dig you later.
There it is, survival of the fittest.
At least Wally made the cut.
A-ha!
So you finally admit that I'm right about evolution.
Not if you want my help.
DOGBERT: Once the telecommunications hub is gone
the little people won't be able
to order new dry erase markers.
[BUZZING]
[SCREAMING]
Marker...
I need marker.
[SNIFFS]
Nothing.
What now, Gulliver?
Look at them. It's pathetic.
They need to leave this environment.
Start fresh-- build new lives.
We could sell them as toys and make a fortune.
No. I'm talking about lending a hand,
and you're talking about exploitation.
As if there's a difference.
There is.
Well, excuse my capitalism.
They just need a change of scenery
Then they'll straighten out.
Is that your expert opinion as an engineer?
I'm going to help these people.
After your idealism is crushed,
feel free to plead for my help.
Does anyone have the number
of dry erase markers anonymous?
[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING]
Dogbert!
Collect them all, kids.
There's Phil from Marketing.
Peg from Payroll.
Gwen from Accounting.
Supply is limited so they can only go up in value.
Dry erase marker sold separately.
So, who's first?
Me. Me. Me.
Over here. Here. Me first.
[music]