You may have heard that our company
has been accused of unethical business practices.
Is it because of the falsified product-safety tests?
Is it because of the false stories planted in the media
about our competitors?
Is it because of our crime family connections?
What? Are you saying those things are unethical too?
Good God! This thing is just snowballing.
Now, where was I?
Seven years ago...
During the summer...
Aw, the heck with it.
Senior management has decided to confront this head-on
and deal with the ethics problem directly.
They're surrendering to the authorities?
One might think that, but one would be wrong.
No. They're sending all employees
to mandatory ethics training classes.
Including managers such as yourself, correct?
[CHUCKLING] No... Asok.
That wouldn't be very managerial, would it?
DILBERT: Correct me if I'm wrong,
but hasn't every ethics violation in this company
been perpetrated by managers?
Yes, but the point is, managers are far too important
to waste their valuable time taking worthless classes.
That's what subordinates are for.
That and dating.
Please don't date me!
I promise I'll work harder!
Your new masseuse is here.
She wants to know how you'll be paying.
Paying? Did you explain to her
that she gets to touch my naked back?
For some reason, that wasn't enough.
Who needs her?
Tell her to put an egg in her shoe and beat it,
if you don't mind.
Not at all.
And the following mumbling is not necessarily about you.
[MUMBLING] Ignorant, pompous horse's ass.
Must be problems at home.
Are we done here?
I think we're done.
Hmm. I wonder what made them so hurried all of a sudden.
[GROANING] Asok...
Meet me in my office...
and bring fresh towels.
Oh... oh, my...
This is so not in my job description.
I don't think I can possibly...
Stop whining and start slathering.
[EXPLOSION]
[music]
[CHANTING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
Okay, let's go around the room,
and each of you can explain
what you hope to get out of this class.
We'll start with you...
"I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally."
Is that your real name?
It's Egyptian.
Okay. So, what do you want to get from this class,
I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally?
I already got it. Thanks.
My personal goal for ethics training
is to learn the cultural underpinnings of morality
with special emphasis on pragmatism versus divine will.
How about if I teach you not to steal?
That would be good too.
Loud Howard...
If a co-worker confided something very personal to you,
could you keep it quiet?
Yes!
This class is pointless.
We're not the ones with the ethics problems.
Speak for yourself.
We're engineers.
We have integrity, and that's not for sale.
But it is for rent.
Excuse me,
I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally.
Consider yourself excused.
BOSS: There sure is a lot of weather today
all up there in the sky.
[CHUCKLING] [CHUCKLING]
Yeah, it was a lot like that yesterday.
Oh, he's right. What's up with that weather?
Every day there.
Did anyone watch a sports event this weekend?
Oh, I'll say. Sports-- wouldn't miss sports.
Not a Sunday without it.
Who was playing?
That's not important.
It only matters
that the participants supported each other as a team.
You men aren't at all what I expected.
I feel like the glass ceiling for women executives like me
is finally broken.
I mean, here I am,
networking with other executives on the golf course,
privy to all your private conversations.
Uh, we're all about nurturing.
And diversity.
There goes your ball.
It keeps doing that.
Watch out for the turtles. They're poisonous.
Did we decide whose company
wins the government bid this time?
My company got the flying submarine deal.
I believe your company wins the next bid, Edmund.
WOMAN: Ow!
No, no, we won the bid
for the invisible troop carriers.
Well, then who's going to bid
for the national Internet voting network contract?
For the good of the oligarchy, we will.
Good man. Good man.
WOMAN: Ow!
Is it the high bid or the low bid that wins?
That part makes my head spin.
What were you talking about?
What did I miss?
Does anyone else think taxes are too darn high?
Yes. Bring them down. Whoa-ho...
BOSS: Don't you know it.
I'm pleased to announce that we have won the bid
to build the government's next super-project:
the Internet voting network.
I thought the bids were being submitted tomorrow.
Yes, but none of our conference rooms
are available tomorrow,
so I'm telling you the results today.
What's the Internet voting network?
It's a concept for letting people vote over the Internet
in national elections.
Dilbert, you seem to know the most
about the Internet voting network,
so you're the project leader.
What? That's ALL I know,
and now that I said it,
everyone in this room knows as much as I do.
I tuned you out right after the part
where you started talking.
What's the Internet voting network?
This might sound crazy, but after careful consideration,
I'm actually happy for a change
to be assigned a project against my will.
The Internet voting network
will double voter participation.
I'm going to make democracy work.
It's an awesome responsibility.
Let me know when you get it working.
I always wondered what it would be like to vote.
You mean you've never voted?
It's too much of a hassle.
But IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE...
Look! You're encouraging morons to vote.
That can't possibly be good.
You can't use Wally
as a typical example of humanity.
I'm special.
Take Loud Howard.
He's more typical of the average voter.
Yes! I always vote for the tallest guy!
The tall ones are better!
Dilbert, do you realize
that you could build a back door into the system
and manipulate the voting results
for your own evil purposes without ever being detected?
Wow, you could make a fortune from special interest groups.
Did you learn nothing in ethics class?
I tried, but you covered your test with your hand.
One COULD make a fortune from special interest groups,
but it would be unethical, and more importantly,
it would destroy the integrity of our democratic system.
I would never sell out my country for money.
Besides, I have all the money I need.
MAN: $900,000...
A million.
Next.
It's a public school class!
As you can see, class, Congress is in session.
And furthermore, television violence is bad...
Where's the gift shop?
They got a bathroom in here?
Can I use my cell phone?
I just got paged.
Shut up!
You kids are the leaders of tomorrow, right?
Uh-huh. Yes, sir.
Here's a little something
to remind you who your friends are.
[GASPS]
Oh...
This is private enemy number one.
He goes by the name Dilbert.
He's in charge of building the Internet voting network.
We have learned he is immune to monetary inducements.
[ALL GASPING]
His Internet voting network
is a threat to all our special interests.
We must find a way to influence him without money.
Without money?
What else is there?
Use your creativity.
There must be some other way to get him in our pocket.
I have an idea.
No, wait. You said no money.
BOSS: Keep it coming, keep it coming.
Give me some more of that mean green.
You just say the word,
and I'll assassinate anyone you want.
You clearly have no scruples.
You golden-tongued sweet talker.
You're making me blush.
But your employee Dilbert seems immune to our inducements.
He must have a weakness. Everyone does.
He does have ONE weakness,
if you know what I mean, wink, wink.
Ah. Yes.
The one thing.
Thank you.
I hope he was thinking "free T-shirt" too.
[GASPS]
Fire! Fire!
Hurry, there's a fire upstairs.
Something's smoking, but it's not a fire.
[CHUCKLING]
You have a visitor upstairs in the smoking lounge.
We don't have a smoking lounge.
We do now.
Hey, where did all this new furniture come from?
And that TV?
We accepted them as gifts on your behalf.
You shouldn't have accepted these gifts.
They're from lobbyists trying to corrupt me.
How are they doing?
Not very well.
Amateurs.
[music]
Hi, handsome.
My name's Ashley.
This is a smoke-free house.
Maybe you'd like to take me someplace that isn't.
I'd better not.
I just had my car cleaned.
I've been authorized to do whatever it takes
to make you a friend of tobacco.
Whatever it takes?
Anything.
Well...
Okay.
I'd like you to quit smoking.
What?
It's for your own good.
I can't do that.
I'm addicted.
You-- It's an illness.
You can't just quit like that.
You said anything.
You don't understand.
I need to do this right away or I'll get fired.
I mean, because I'm all fired up.
When was the last time you brushed your teeth?
Look at me. I'm perfect, except for one little bad habit.
Get over it.
Do you think you'd ever sacrifice your ethics
and rig the election just to date a woman like that?
I would never sell out our Founding Fathers.
Tell the truth.
I admit that, in theory,
there is some level of hormonal excitement
that could,
in some conceivable circumstance in the hypothetical,
exceed the threshold of my ethical self-control.
What if the woman actually liked you?
Let's hope that never happens.
I almost found a woman who likes me.
How did you know?
Well, technically, she was a tobacco lobbyist
who was leading me on
so she could get illegal access
to my Internet voting network.
Close enough.
That's my thinking.
Did you use the old familiarity technique?
I didn't have a chance.
What's the old familiarity technique?
It involves spending so much time with a woman
that she gets used to your faults.
It's like falling in love, but without the expense.
If I could have made this tobacco lobbyist
spend enough time with me...
While she was using you...
then maybe, just maybe, the inertia would carry her
beyond the point of being repulsed by my personality.
Then one day, if she breaks up
with a socially functional boyfriend,
she might be too emotionally crippled to date again,
and there Dilbert will be.
Why don't you just date a woman
who respects you in the first place?
You can do that?
I see your point.
Dilbert, we need to talk about extending the deadline
of your Internet voting project.
If I extend it, we'll miss the election.
And I'll get a new summer home.
Everyone wins.
You're ordering me to sabotage my own project?
It wouldn't be the first time,
but it might be the first time I knew I was doing it.
If I do that, the special interests win.
The integrity of our democratic process
will be violated.
Our Founding Fathers would spin in their graves.
Spinning, you say?
We'll strap magnets to them
and use them to generate electricity
if it makes you feel any better. It's clean power.
You can't make me do this.
It's wrong.
There is nothing, nothing that will change my mind.
How unethical would it be, really,
to help a tobacco lobbyist rig a national election
just so she'll like me?
Are we talking the ethics of pragmatism
or divine will?
Let's pretend it's the same thing.
We need some expert help.
How did you get Ben Franklin's body?
You'd be surprised what people throw out.
It's a little too late for him to help us.
Maybe not.
I saw this in an infomercial.
I've been dying to try it.
It says it removes carpet stains too,
but I have my doubts.
[SNEEZES]
[COUGHING]
Can anyone give me an update on my inventions?
Well, electricity is doing fine.
Hah! That was a good one.
How about the post office?
Did it become the model of efficiency I envisioned?
Well, to be honest, a stamp costs
more than you paid for your first horse.
You can stand in line for an hour,
then find out you're in the wrong line.
The expression "going postal"
refers to someone
losing their mind, going crazy,
and opening fire
on large groups of innocent people.
[GRUNTING]
Nice work.
I killed Ben Franklin.
Keep your shirt on.
I have no intention of taking it off.
You make it hard for people to help you.
Sorry.
Let's increase the dosage.
Ah. Bleah.
Thank you again, but frankly...
Eh, get it? Frankly?
Frank-lin, frank-ly.
[LAUGHS]
Gee, that killed at the Continental Congress.
Was there some reason you keep bringing me back?
I have an ethical question
about our democratic system.
Ah, yes, by now, I suppose you've figured out
it was all a big joke.
What?
He doesn't know.
Never mind.
My dilemma is this:
We have this new thing called the Internet.
Internet. Yes.
Yes, a global telecommunications network
built on the TCP/IP standard.
Saw it coming.
You did not.
Yes, I did.
How could you?
I'm a Founding Father, you little punk!
You want to start with me?!
All right, all right.
Anyway, I have a chance to make a woman like me
if I use the Internet to rig the next election.
Would that be wrong?
Hmm. Sounds okay to me.
Really?
Sure. The average voter
can't find his bunghole with both hands.
You don't want to leave it up to them, do you?
I thought maybe I did.
Well, think again.
If we're done here,
I'm really hungry.
I should have got the 12-pack.
One Internet voting network completely programmed, ready
and free of outside interference.
So you decided to stick to your ethical guns,
knowing that it would cost you the love of a beautiful woman.
Does it give you newfound respect for me?
[LAUGHING]
Ah, no.
I'm having an election night party!
I hope you can make it!
"Chug-n-vote...
"Come enjoy hard liquor
before voting from mi casa."
Thanks to your Internet voting network,
no one will ever have to vote thirsty again!
Loud Howard, I don't think it's a good idea
to mix alcohol with voting.
Since when?
I mean, how are you going to understand
an issue like, say, monetary policy
if you're drunk?
I don't understand it now!
Do you?
No.
Bring an appetizer!
Yaaaay!
Hey, everybody!
The polls are open!
[CHEERING]
To democracy!
[ALL SLURRING] Democracy!
Hey, look at me!
I'm voting and I'm not even a citizen!
One more of these, and I'm in the Green Party.
Tell me, am I for or against nuculur perifilation?
I have to say,
this isn't the proudest moment of my career.
Is that the knob for Republican or Democrat?
Hurry up, Foster.
The polls close in 30 seconds.
[BEEPING]
Oh, fiddlesticks.
I just voted for someone named McGee.
FRANKLIN: It's been so long
since I attended a meeting of the secret ruling class.
Do you still handle elections the same way?
The old ways are still the best.
Well, the votes have been counted.
The people have spoken.
Our new president is...
Hairy-ass McGee.
[ALL LAUGHING]
So, seriously...
who do we make president?
She said she might call.
Do you think underneath her smoke-stained exterior
beat a heart of gold?
If by "heart of gold" you mean "lungs of charcoal,"
then yes.
I admit I was tempted to destroy the democratic process
to gain the love of a woman.
Love?
Not real love,
but at least
the kind that gives you false hope for a few days.
I like false hope.
Maybe she lost your number.
Maybe she did.
MAN: NO ONE LEAVES THE TOBACCO INSTITUTE.
[COUGHING]
Since I quit smoking,
I don't feel right about working here anymore.
You quit smoking?
You can't.
[COUGHING]
Good Lord, Martin, you coughed out a lung.
Now, can you push that back in?
[COUGHING, CHOKING]
I met a man who convinced me to follow another path.
I'm going to call him tonight.
I said, no one leaves The Tobacco Institute.
Hey. Wait.
You can't do this.
Let me go.
Excuse me. Hello?
Hola. WHERE'S THE LADIES ROOM?
Does anyone have any sunscreen?
RADIO ANNOUNCER: ...y en otras noticias,
el president americano Hairy-ass McGee,
que se parece mucho a Benjamin Franklin,
cayo desde una altura de 30,000 pies
sobre un camion recolector de basura despues de abrir
una de las ventanas
del avion presidencial AIR FORCE ONE.
Los medicos dijeron que no sufrio heridas.