Announcer: tonight, on the season finale of drawn together...
Life for these 8 housemates is about to change forever,
As we reveal a major twist!
Xandir: what is going on?!
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Captain hero: life in front of the cameras
Was beginning to take a toll on us all.
The little things, the things that used to make us laugh,
Like the asbestos in the walls,
Now just seemed annoying.
[coughs]
Even worse, we started lashing out at each other.
Ugh! You're just gonna leave that there?
Bitch, pick it up!
Fuck you, fatty foopah.
[cocks gun]
Pick it up, or i'm sending you back to hell!
[click] all right, toot, drop your weapon!
[click] no, you drop it!
Nobody holds a gun to my girl...
[click]
But me!
All right! Let's fuckin' do this!
[cocking guns]
I'm not afraid to die!
[click]
Foxxy love: now, foxxy love did not want a riot to break out,
Even though she sure could use a new tv set,
So foxxy decided to call a house meeting.
Now, I know being in front of all these cameras
Has made us all a little tense.
Uh, tense?! Ha ha!
Yeah, ok, 'cause living in this fishbowl
Is playing tricks on my mind!
Bwah!
[fart]
Xandir's right. Before coming on this reality show,
How many times have you guys really been in a mexican standoff?
Never! I don't think.
Twice.
It's like we're just a bunch of monkeys
Dancing for the cameras.
And what do we get in return? Nothing!
At least monkeys get beat off
By their owners once in a while.
The pillsbury doughbroad is right!
Hee hee!
I mean, on big brother, you can win half a million bucks.
And on survivor, you can win a million.
And on the bachelor, you can win...Love.
I say we smash the cameras
And blow the whole house up!
That sounds like a sweet prize to me!
All right, toot, nobody's blowing up anything.
Now, I bet if we just talk to the producers,
We can work this out.
Foxxy was right.
Besides, I had a thing or two
I wanted to say to those fucking jews!
Damn it! You've got us stuck here
In this crackerjack box, but there ain't no prize.
Now pony up, or i'm gonna fucking blow this house up
And kill you all!
[dial tone]
Do not take that dial tone with me!
Producer: housemates, as punishment for making me talk
To that fatty-fat-fat-fat,
We're going to reveal a new twist.
Xandir: what is going on?!
Now youse can't leave!
Oh, my god, we're trapped!
I'm totally freaking out.
I wish the green lantern was here.
He always knows how to relax me.
Ok, that's it!
Let's blow this goddamn house to bits!
Toot, violence ain't the answer.
Some of the greatest leaders in history,
Like gandhi, dr. King,
And rocky iv, to a lesser extent,
Accomplished the impossible through nonviolent means,
And so can we.
Now, we may be stuck here entertaining the world for nothing,
But if we don't fight or drink or fuck or suck or jerk
Or 3-way fuck or necro-fuck-philia,
Then the producers won't have no show to show.
Until the producers make it worth our while,
I say we have an old-fashioned sit-in.
Ha ha! Silly black people,
They always think they can accomplish everything
By just sittin' around.
Come on, people! Fight the power!
Let's go!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
[silence]
[maniacal laughter]
I say we do what the hot one says.
You know what? I should start talking earlier.
That's right, producers!
We figured out your little game!
Mama didn't raise no fool,
And papa didn't raise me at all!
So we ain't movin' till we gets a prize!
All: yeah!
Announcer: now that we've returned,
These 8 housemates will learn
The like the nipples of a japanese businessman in an s&m club,
The twisting has just begun,
As we reveal another major twist!
Xandir: what is going on?!
Fine! You win.
[all screaming]
Xandir: bright light! Bright light!
Toot: that did it!
[dramatic reality show music]
[gasp] look at his hair!
I am buckie bucks, eccentric billionaire.
The producers have sent me here to announce a competition,
The winner of which
Will help me run my billion-dollar empire.
Buckie bucks?
Billion-dollar empire!
Parody of the apprentice?
What do you say, foxxy?
Well, guys, this is the opportunity
We been sittin' for!
I say we do it!
Captain hero: this is gonna be fun.
Toot: i'll never waver from my nefarious plan
To blow up this house!
But for now i'll play along as inconspicuously as possible.
[speaking like a wind-up doll] I...Will...Most...
Certainly...Play... Your...Business...Game.
Foxxy: let's do it!
¶ cash, cash cashity-cash ¶
¶ cash, cash ¶
¶ cash, cash, cashity-cash ¶
¶ cash, cash ¶
¶ don't you wish you had a buttload? ¶
¶ cash ¶
Foxxy: it was gonna be the mens versus the womens
In a series of bidness- related challenges.
After each task,
Someone on the losing team would be fired.
The last one standing would win the job of a lifetime.
As l. Ron hubbard, mel gibson,
And the owners of the wildly popular islamaland amusement park
Have taught us, religion is big business.
That's why for your first challenge,
You'll convince people to accept jesus christ
As their lord and savior.
And...Go!
Aah! Aah!
Princess clara: it was our first challenge,
And I volunteered to be team leader
'cause I love jesus...
Like... Like more than a friend.
And I knew exactly how to get people to love him, too.
Ow! Goddamn it!
That was great! So now what?
We go door to door and give out free copies?
Free? Are you nuts?!
We could sell these at 10 bucks a pop and rake in the cash
As a new wave of anti-semitism sweeps the country!
Wait. Was that not the challenge?
[thunderclap]
We went to a hospital,
And thanks to us, some really sick children
Have learned to put their trust in the lord,
Instead of those silly pills and potions.
Nice job. And how did you ladies do?
We made $617 million.
Wow! You guys got your asses whipped!
Yeah! Yeah! Yahoo!
Well, guys, someone is getting...Fired.
Ohh! Ohh!
Wooldoor sockbat.
Uh-oh.
Since you are the least likely to cause conflict
Or have sex with anyone...Ever,
You're f--oh! Aah!
[splat] whoa!
[relieved] fired.
Whaa ha ha ha!
So, the competition started off
With a little humiliation,
Which was fine,
Because now I was no longer alone in my cause.
Yeah! They're all gonna die!
[click]
Can I have my candy now?
[thunderclap]
In business, you need to stay in control.
That's why for your next challenge,
You'll be in charge of an air traffic control tower.
And...Go!
[alarm blaring]
No, my left!
My left!
What? What do you mean you're losing attitude?
Sounds like you're giving me plenty of attitude!
[speaking japanese]
[crash]
Well, guys, it looks like you lost both the competition and a member of your team.
Xandir, I can't help but think this is all your fault.
What? I'm a certified air-traffic controller
With 10 years of experience.
I heard gay-traffic controller
With gay years of experience. Hah!
Spanky does bring up a pretty good point.
Xandir, you're-- oh! Oh! Oh, god!
[splat]
Unh...Fired.
[snores]
[sobbing]
Oh, my god.
Like the unfortunate head of a boy
With a pituitary gland disorder,
My army was slowly growing.
As you all know, sometimes in business,
It's important to have the power of invisibility.
Guys, i've got this one all wrapped up.
That's why, for this challenge...
Ladies, where's clara? Why is she late?
I do not tolerate tardiness.
If anyone sees clara, tell her she is fi--
Aah! Aah! It's a big one!
2 towels.
[splat splat] oh...Fired.
[clara crying]
[west side story-like music playing]
No business is successful without the help of mexicans.
[la cucaracha playing]
That's why, for this challenge,
The team that smuggles the most mexicans across the border wins.
And vaya con dios.
This was definitely the hardest challenge so far.
But foxxy kept her eye on the prize
And came up with a brilliant plan.
[la cucaracha playing]
Come on, toot. We ain't got all day.
[toot grunts]
[farts]
[sounds of a stampede]
Once again, the ladies killed you.
What happened to your mexicans?
It was all captain hero's fault.
He's the one who forgot to poke holes in the lid.
[drunk] aw, screw you.
I was the one who got completely wasted.
Shut it. This whole thing has gone on long enough.
So to speed things up, both of your are f--
Aah! Aah! Don't move!
Where do you want it? Where do you want it?
[splat] aah! Oh...Fired.
Whoa, three-way. That was hot.
[both sobbing]
Congratulations, big-boned babe and choco-lickety-yum-yum.
You're the final 2.
[farts]
Now all I needed was for foxxy to join us.
Then we shall rise up against the cameras,
Blow up the house, and kill them all!
Ahh heh heh heh heh.
Announcer: when we return,
Life for foxxy and the fatty is about to change once again,
As we reveal the biggest twist yet.
Or will we?
Xandir: what is going on?
Girls, welcome to the final round.
Whoever, or whomever, wins this competition
Will leave with me and go on to help me run my empire.
Good luck to you both.
Luck is for the underweight.
Establishing relationships and commanding respect and stuff
Is priority number one in business.
That's why your final challenge is a jell-o wrestling match.
Whoo! Whoo!
[cheering]
Bill cosby would crap himself if he could see this!
I didn't like the jell-o wrestling idea,
But the producers had given me
A golden opportunity,
And like that necklace some fool left on clara's dresser,
I was gonna take it.
[crowd cheering]
[bell rings]
Hah!
[smack]
Ahh! Unh!
[cheering]
Crowd: sieg heil!
Sieg heil!
[steam whistle tooting]
Where you at? Where you at? Show yourself!
Cut me, ling-ling. Cut me.
Ah.
[bell rings]
Aah!
Nobody throws me face-first into jell-o but me!
Aah!
[groans]
Get the fuck out!
[grunts]
[moans]
[thud]
[bell rings]
Well, congratulations, hot black girl.
You're the winner. Yay! Yay!
[all groan]
Yes! Oh, thank you, lord.
I'm a black woman with a job.
I am oprah. I am oprah!
No, wait! This isn't supposed to happen.
Yeah, sure. Thanks a lot, chubby.
Guys, come on. We can still blow up the house.
Guys!
[all squawk]
Announcer: what foxxy doesn't know
Is that everything... Is...About...To...Change
Again!
Xandir: what is going on?
Announcer: and now the final twist
That will change everything forever.
Well, foxxy, i've been keeping a secret from you,
But it's time for you to know the truth.
I'm not really a billionaire.
I'm, like, broke and stuff.
What? You're broke?
You mean there ain't no job for me?
Nope. Isn't that crazy?
Ha ha ha. You wanna feel even stupider?
There's another twist. I'm actually...
The jew producer.
[all gasp]
What? But...
Son of a bitch.
What is going on?
Wow, this was fun.
Later.
Heh heh heh heh heh.
Don't. Just don't.
I can't believe it.
Tv, I trusted you,
And you made a fool out of me...
For the last time.
Toot, I know that no one has ever said this to you before,
But you was right!
Uh, duh!
[prolonged braying]
We got to fight back!
We got to blow this house up and kill them all!
And not just because of what the producers did to me, to us,
But for what they've done to all our reality tv brethren and sistren.
We gots to fight back for zora and linda,
Who learned they joe millionaire
Was actually poor and basically retarded.
And for love or money's rob, who had no idea
Erin was paid $1 million
To break his boring and pathetic heart.
And for joe schmo's matt, who learned all his friends
Were just god-awful actors.
And for average joe's melana and larissa,
Who found out they bachelors was just a bunch of giant dorks.
Those guys weren't average.
And today, reality tv has had its last twist.
It all ends now!
Let's blow up this fucking house!
Let's blow this place up.
Follow me.
[all yell]
Buckie, we got to borrow that helicopter.
What are you doing?
Captain hero, stop him!
[screams]
Oh.
What the--huh?
Come here.
Aah!
Come on, guys. Let's go. Now's our chance.
Kill them.
Anybody know how to fly this thing?
Tank, quick, I need to learn how to fly
A t-1000 firefox.
[screams]
Move over, princess.
Don't let them get away.
Get in!
Let's get out of here.
This one's for alison and June and jane
And the man-troll from big brother 4.
Aaaahhhh!
Say hello to my little friend.
Buckle up, everyone!
Oh, ach!
Aah! Heh heh heh.
What the hell are you doing?
Why are you all nodding?
Hold on, everyone!
Yaah!
[all cheering]
I think I saw this on the real world.
Hold on, guys. We've got company.
Hold on, guys. You've got company.
Xandir: we're hit! We're hit!
We're all gonna die!
Yes, I guess it really is gay over!
Nice. Ha ha ha. Oh, yeah.
Them gays.
While we spun out of control to almost certain death,
I wondered what would become of us all.
Would we ever return to the drawn together house?
Would there be an entirely new cast?
Would this be the last question I ever asked?
When would the reunion special air?
The most important thing was that we were together,
Drawn together.
[all screaming]
Toot: goddamn it!
Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--
[guitar playing]
¶ do you like how I sing a love song? ¶
¶ do you like vincent van gogh? ¶
¶ I like to walk the streets at midnight ¶
¶ I wanted you... ¶
[whispering] good-bye.
¶ to know ¶
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