Cool.
Now, here's another totally sweet-fuck position.
[grunting]
Wow!
I totally did this to a chick once.
I wish I was a chick.
And here's one that makes you feel like a real man.
[slapping]
What, is that all you got?
Uh-oh, captain. Ain't that the hero signal?
Relax. If it's anything important,
Captain girl will page me.
When are we gonna meet this new sidekick of yours anyway?
[ringing]
What is it, captain girl? The evil mad libber?
I'm on my way.
Captain hero, mind if I tag along?
Maybe I can help.
Sorry, yellow creature, but if I wanted something that would slow me down,
I would take another... [speech slows]
Wooh! Wooh!
Ooh.
[rustling]
I know it sounds silly,
But I always thought that maybe I could be captain hero's sidekick.
But every time I try to get up the courage to ask him,
It came out wrong.
Captain hero, can I be your side...
Show?
Ok.
Step right up, folks,
And see the boy who claims he can't be hit by a rock.
[shouting]
Me!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Cut that out!
And now that he has captain girl,
I guess he'll never need me.
[sobbing] whoa is me.
What are you crying about, he-bitch?
Your life ain't so bad. Look at me.
Whoa! Dude, you need to get an electric razor.
I have one!
[sighs]
Well, I guess we all have problems.
Problems? I'm a goddamn mess.
I'm an alcoholic.
I have a bit of a temper.
I'll cut you, you dirty polack!
And I can't stop eating.
Christ, I even have irritable bowel syndrome.
[farting]
[squishing]
[sighs]
That's one irritable bowel.
I'm the only person in this house who knows what suffering is.
My friends. Captain girl. She's dead.
Dead!
[sobbing]
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I don't know what happened.
By the time I got there, the mad libber was gone
And captain girl had been poisoned to death.
Poisoned? Then why is there blood on her uniform?
It was that time of the month.
That does-- what are you, 12?
Once a month, in the most beautiful natural process possible,
Blood comes flowing out of a woman's butthole.
And now it will never flow
Out of captain girl's butthole ever again.
Oh, there, there, sugar.
Everything gonna be all right.
Oh, yeah. You like to comfort me, don't you, bitch?
To make matters worse,
The mad libber left this note to taunt me.
What's it say?
Oh. Let me see.
Ok, first I'm gonna need a verb.
Pick me.
Yeah, I got your verb right here.
Well, that seems to be it.
"I, the evil mad libber viciously penised captain girl
For getting too penis to my ingenious penis."
[sobbing] captain girl!
[sobbing]
Gee, captain hero, sir,
I wish there was some way I could comfort you.
Thank you, chum. But the only thing that could comfort me now
Is a new sidekick.
And where am I gonna find one of those?
I could be your new side...Show.
Oh!
No time for fun now, friend.
Everyone, welcome.
In accordance with captain girl's wishes,
We are burying her as a mormon.
Not because she was one, but because she hated mormons,
And it would make her happy for us to bury one.
You may begin, reverend.
If you'll all turn in your books to page 134.
Ahem. Ooga booga! Great face god!
Magic lizard come down from jupiter!
[sobbing]
[thinking] even this insightful satire of religion couldn't cheer me up.
I thought I would never be happy again.
But then I saw something--
Something that would change my life forever.
And suddenly I knew the solution to all my problems.
Man: yeah. Ice cream, lard ass.
No!
A baby.
Guess what, everyone.
I'm gonna get me pregnant and has me a baby.
Like who's gonna drop a log in that toilet?
Not it. Not it.
Oh--
[speaking japanese]
Uh, captain hero?
Go away. Can't you see I just wanna be alone?
Oh, captain girl, how could you leave me like this?
[moaning]
All done. What's on your mind, pal?
Well, I was thinking.
If it wouldn't be too much of a bother,
Maybe I...
Um, could be your new side...
Kick.
What? How dare you!
It's way too soon to think about that.
So I won't, and I'll just say yes. Welcome aboard.
Really?
I'm your new sidekick?
Whee!
[theme from batman plays]
¶ hero ¶
¶ wooldoor ¶
¶ hero ¶
¶ wooldoor ¶
¶ hero ¶
¶ wooldoor ¶
¶ hero ¶
¶ wooldoor ¶
¶ da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da-da-da ¶
¶ hero ¶
[humming]
Toot, what the hell you doing with that black light?
I want a baby.
So if there's the tiniest bit of baby gravy in this house,
I'm gonna find it.
Ooh!
I'm a really friendly ghost.
Ooh, girl, check out my feet.
Huh?
Baby soup!
Cannonball!
3 days later...
Toot, before you get yourself pregnant,
We want you to understand
That a baby is a lot of hard work.
Back in high school,
We were given eggs to carry around
To help teach us the responsibilities of motherhood.
So we thought we could teach you the same lesson with this.
A baby from nicaragua.
A baby!
A baby from nicaragua!
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
Come on, baby from nicaragua, let's go fix mommy's life.
Those assholes thought I wouldn't take to being a mother.
Open wide. Here comes the plane.
[imitating plane engine]
Oh, the plane needs to make an emergency landing.
What did they know? Motherhood made me happy.
Right, baby?
To motherhood!
[glass shatters]
[glass clinking] ow!
Being a sidekick was a dream come true.
Captain hero and I battled all sorts of evil villains.
Like the gigantic midget.
You've never faced a midget as big as me.
Ah!
And then we fought the most confused villain in the world--
Senor eskimo goldberg.
What the hell am I? [roars]
But then I started to suspect
That captain hero wanted me to be more like captain girl.
[humming]
You know, when captain girl danced for me,
She had the decency to tuck her balls between her legs.
But I am not...
[door slams]
Captain girl.
[cooing]
[speaking japanese]
Aah!
Oh, no! Ling-ling, bad!
You bad asian thing. No. No.
Toot, where the hell do you think you're going?
The store. Mommy's completely out of medicine.
Toot, if you don't start taking care of your child,
She gonna be all messed up.
She's right, toot.
Ling-ling was about to kill your baby.
Don't tell me how to raise my baby.
I know how to keep it safe.
Who would dare to enter the circle of fire?
Toodles!
[people screaming]
Uh, I think that tram is about to fall.
Ah, yeah. You take care of that, huh?
I'm trying to rehustler.
It gives every man x-ray vision,
If you know what I mean.
Buy a copy and see for yourself.
But I can't fly, and I don't have super strength.
Captain girl would have taken care of this already.
How many times do I have to tell you?
I am not captain girl!
No, seriously, you can see inside the girls.
Inside. Seriously.
You're damn right you're not captain girl. She was a real sidekick.
Unlike some people.
Seriously. Inside.
Wooldoor, making you my sidekick
Was the biggest mistake of my life.
You're fired!
Captain hero, wait!
Captain girl wouldn't have cried.
[crying] I'm the worst.
I never deserved to be hero's sidekick.
Just like I didn't deserve to be crowned miss universe '97.
These aren't real. These aren't real!
[crying]
If you don't stop your crying, 2 things are gonna happen.
I'm gonna have an orgasm and then I'm gonna fall asleep.
Is that what you want?
Oh, spanky, captain hero fired me
Because I'm not as good a sidekick as captain girl.
How good a sidekick could she have been?
She's dead.
Hmm.
You know, spanky,
I bet if I defeated the mad libber,
I'd prove to hero I'm an even better sidekick
Than his precious captain girl.
If only I knew how to find him.
Oh, whoa. Hey, what's that?
Oh, I think it's breaking news.
Holy crap! The mad libber is verbing a bank!
This is the opportunity I have been waiting for.
To the wooldoor-mobile.
Get the fuck out of the car. Move! Move! Move!
All right.
Shut up!
Just don't hurt me.
Get in the trunk.
No way.
Get in the fucking trunk!
I don't wanna die!
"I don't wanna die." you're gonna fucking die.
Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh!
Whee!
I'll show captain hero what a great sidekick I am.
Uh, gr-grandpa?
[crowing]
Mommy's home!
[vomiting]
Ugh! Hey!
Who threw up in here?
And where have you been all night, mommy fattest?
I don't know. I don't know where I am now.
But wherever I am, somebody threw up everywhere.
Toot, your bad parenting
Is having a terrible effect on your child.
Look at her. She is out of control.
[wolf whistle] hey, baby.
How about some formula with that shake?
Ah, she just needs some discipline.
Baby, you're grounded!
[cooing]
Hey, watch your language,
You filthy whore!
Don't make me wash out my mouth with ham.
[kids crying]
Sorry, kids. There's no time to spare.
Not even enough to slow down the vehicle.
[kids screaming]
[crashing]
Oh, no. I'm too late.
The mad libber has gotten away.
He left a note.
I better get back and decipher this.
To the wooldoor truck.
I felt bad about yelling at baby.
I decided to sit down and have a real talk with her
About being a filthy whore.
Baby! Baby!
Come on. Open the door. Mommy just wants to talk.
I brought you cookies.
Hey, what the... Did you eat all my cookies?
Open the fucking door!
Oh, my god! My baby's run away!
[sobbing]
[cooing]
[sizzling]
This note still doesn't make any sense, spanky.
How do you horribly penis someone?
All right. But I'm only gonna show this to you one more time.
Wait. I've got an idea.
Maybe if we filled in the blanks
With words other than "penis,"
The mad libber's note would make more sense.
That's crazy, wooldoor.
Just crazy enough to penis.
Spanky, I need a verb.
I think I've been pretty flexible here,
But I'm telling you,
One of those blanks has got to be "penis."
All right. Fine.
Ooh. This makes a lot more sense.
"I will horribly kill you all
"by blowing up the town's dam
"using a bomb that I'll detonate
From the pentower."
Oh, my god! I've got to get to the penis tower!
To the wool-delorean!
Whoa! Wait a second! No, no! Wooldoor, wait!
Don't go!
Oh, no. Doc, I think I'm too late.
I looked for my baby everywhere.
By the pool.
By the refrigerator.
By the pool again.
It was like she disappeared off the face of the earth.
We can't find your baby anywhere.
You're not looking hard enough! Oh, did you check the fridge?
Excuse me. Is this yours?
Child services.
My arch-nemesis.
We meet again,
Miss love.
So tell me. How aquametta and little ray-ray?
You mean heather and raymond-raymond.
They're very happy now with the jurgensens.
Oh! Where were you?
Since you've been gone, I've been so drunk.
I mean wasted. No. Shit-faced
Yeah, that's it. Shit-faced.
Miss braunstein, we found your baby shoplifting.
Shoplifting?
I spared you the pain of all those vaccination shots,
And this is how you repay me?
Oh, it gets worse.
She stole a home pregnancy test.
A pregnancy...
And it's positive.
One of these buildings must be the penis tower.
[gasps] but which one?
Maybe someone in this building will know.
The dam will be blown up in 3, 2...
Hold it right there, mad libber.
It's time to bring you to justice
For the murder of captain girl.
Captain girl?
Who the hell is captain girl?
You know. Captain hero's old sidekick.
Captain hero never had a sidekick.
No one would work with that lunatic.
What? If he never had a sidekick,
That would mean...
That captain hero made the whole thing up.
Captain hero? What the hell is going on?
I guess you deserve to know the truth.
I made up captain girl.
But why would you do that?
I was jealous.
All the other superheroes have sidekicks.
Batman has robin. Aquaman has aqualad.
Why, even the mad libber has the mighty quadriplegic.
Please take this costume off me.
So I lied and I made up captain girl.
Then one lie led to another,
And the next thing you know, she was dead.
Oh, captain girl! [sobbing]
I too have lost a lot of imaginary friends.
The important thing now
Is that you accept that your imaginary sidekick is gone
And I am here.
You're right, captain wooldoor.
Now, what do you say you and I make the mad libber pay
For what he did to my beloved captain girl.
You mean together, as your sidekick?
Yes.
Whee!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Quick, wooldoor. Let's get out of here.
To the wooldoor chair.
Aah-aah! Why are you doing this?
Get in.
What about quadriplegic?
Silly, wooldoor. He's just a figment of my imagination.
Whee!
Where did I go wrong?
My baby was about to have a baby.
Why was she doing this to me?
Oh, my god. Her water broke.
You think having a baby is gonna solve all your problems?
You're not ready to be a mother.
She's crowning.
A baby isn't a toy.
It's a huge responsibility.
Oh! I get it now.
Thanks for teaching me that motherhood is a joyless burden
Best left to wealthy people
Who can hire someone named loretta artera locerra
To do most of the hard work for them.
I should've known that babies from nicaragua couldn't fix problems.
If they could, nicaragua wouldn't be such a shithole, would it?
[baby crying]
I knew you'd figure it out eventually, grandma.
Oh!
Seriously, toot, you suck.
We'll be taking these now.
I think they'll be much happier with loving, caring foster parents.
The jurgensens?
Oh, god, no. Those people are monsters.
Now that that's taken care of,
Let's all go get wasted.
My treat!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Child services here.
Do your part to control the nicaraguan baby population.
Have your babies from nicaragua spayed or neutered. Thank you.
Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--
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