[humming]
Here, boy!
Has anyone seen our dog?
You mean thirsty? He out back.
Oh, darn. I need to talk to someone.
You see, I'm going to visit my parents next week,
And I still haven't told them I'm gay.
Xandir, you really should tell them.
Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.
You know what might help? If we all did a little role-playing.
Ooh, that's a great idea. Toot, you be xandir's mama,
And captain hero, you gonna be xandir's, um...
Uh...
Papa?
Papa? Where?
Oh.
Ok, I'll try.
Um, mommy, daddy,
I'm gay.
Well, son, I'm sure I speak for the both of us when I say...
Uh, duh! Uh, duh!
I should have known you would mock me.
Life is just one big mildly amusing cartoon to you guys.
Oh come on buddy, you know we all hate you.
You guys are such assholes.
And not the good kind.
[door slams]
[crying]
Xandir, sorry about before. We wanna help.
Ah, you'll just make fun of me again.
No, we won't, gay friend. I swear on your gay eyes.
Come on, xandir. Let's give this role-playing another try.
Ok. Here goes.
[clears throat]
Mom, dad,
I'm gay.
What? You're a goddamn queer?
How could you do this to us?
I'm not doing this to you, mom.
This is just the way I was born.
Told you not to huff airplane glue while you were pregnant.
At least airplane glue knew how to make me feel good, zema dick.
Zema helps me relax!
Wow. You guys are really committing to this role-playing. Ow!
Shut up. Just shut the hell up.
You're hurting me.
Not as bad as you're hurting everyone else.
Just look how fat you've made your mother.
Stan, no! Stop this!
Get off me, woman!
Mom, are you ok?
I just...Well, I have a casserole in the oven.
Wow. Toot really nailed my mom's ability to take a punch.
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Hmm. Are we gonna talk about this?
There's nothing to talk about.
You are not gay. I forbid it. End of discussion.
Mom?
You heard your father.
[doorbell rings]
Oh, whoever could that be?
Look, everyone.
It's xandir's old high school girlfriend,
Mary lou slutsky.
What a surprise.
[groans]
Hi, xandir.
My mama finally got her settlement check and got herself a double wide.
Yes, and she deserves it.
She gave ten years of her life and six of her fingers to that chicken plant.
You know, I've been practicing this trick
Where I drink 10 beers and let you do whatever you want to me.
I'm getting real good at it.
Uh, mary lou, I'm really flattered.
Damn right you're flattered, son.
Now, give that little slut a hug.
Go on now.
Yeah. Doesn't that feel good?
Oh, I am very attracted to you because you are a woman.
Oh xandir! Kiss me!
[kissing noises]
And now I will put my penis into your vagina.
Thank you.
Stop it, you guys.
I'm gay, and this isn't going to change that.
You're...Gay?
[sobbing]
We can't do this alone, xandir's mom.
We need to bring in a professional.
Fear not, family in crisis.
I spend a lot of time with young men
Who are struggling with homosexual urges.
I know how they think, how they feel.
I don't want my son to go to hell,
Or wherever the gays and jews end up.
Padre, can you fix him?
I'm not broken, dad.
Well, I guess that's the difference between you and my heart.
If this family is ever to heal,
You must learn to understand each other.
Let us start with some simple role-playing.
Father, we were already role-playing.
Hey, I'm the one counseling the family here.
If I have any questions about tongue-diving a stink tube, I'll ask you. Ok?
Fair enough.
Now, you be the gay's dad.
Oh. Ok.
I love football.
And you be the gay. I ain't gonna be no homo.
Fine. You be xandir's mom.
Fine. I'm asking for this.
Then who am I?
You're the homo.
Can I be the dad?
Ok, you be stan.
Then who the hell am I? The queer.
I wanted to be the queer.
I don't have time for this nonsense.
I have a casserole in the oven.
That's just it, mom.
There was always a casserole in the oven.
You never had time for me.
Oh, my god. You're right.
I'm sorry, baby. Come to mama.
Oh!
Would you stop coddling him?
That's why he's such a sissy.
It's bad enough you breast-fed him until he was 5.
Sacrificing all the sensitivity in my nipples.
Not like you care.
Show some respect, xandir's mom.
Oh!
Don't you hurt my mother. Oh!
[growls] I'm the man of this house,
And nobody disrespects me.
Now, you get out of here and never come back.
But...I'm your son.
My son is dead.
[chanting]
Mom.
[whimpers]
[chanting]
[sobbing]
Oh, god!
[door slams]
Well, that went well.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a nooner.
So you want to be an altar boy.
No, I don't. You took me from the playground.
God took you from the playground.
Whee!
There was nothing left for me at home.
So I went as far away as I possibly could.
Whoa. The big city.
Hey there, kiddo.
Oh. Hello, kind stranger.
I noticed you looked a little lost.
You know anyone around here? Need a place to stay?
I'm completely on my own now.
All I have left is a dream.
Oh, yeah? What dream is that?
I wanna be a star.
Well, you're in luck, kid.
It just so happens
I'm in the star-making business.
Here you go, daddy.
Who's the new bitch?
I'm xandir, and I'm gonna be a st--
The adults are talking.
Xandir's gonna stay with us for a while.
And you, chocolandra love,
You're gonna show him the ropes.
Fine. Here are the ground rules.
I am daddy's number-one girl.
No condoms in the toilet.
And don't leave the stove on all night.
And don't dry the laundry in the stove.
And do not use the stove as a heater.
I ain't allowed to use the stove no more.
Ptth!
[grunting]
Hey, you want another drink there, uh, stan?
Hey, can I get a beer?
Did you just ask if I'm queer?
Just 'cause my son's gay
That doesn't mean that I'm gay, too.
Uh, look, I just asked for a beer.
Hey, stop hitting.
Yeah, baby. Mm-hmm. That hurt.
It really do.
This is so worth half of my fixed monthly income.
Hey, daddy, I just wanted to say
I really appreciate everything you've done for me--
Giving me a place to stay and buying me these fancy threads.
You know, that's real seal skin.
Oh.
I just wish there was some way I could repay you.
As a matter of fact, there is.
Oh.
Our bills are coming due.
We're a little bit short on cash.
Luckily, an associate of mine, mr. Nagasaki, is in town.
He's a very generous man. Oh.
Very generous.
Ain't that right, mr. Nagasaki?
[speaking japanese]
I'll leave you two lovebirds alone.
[door shuts]
[speaking japanese]
I--what?
What?
[sobbing]
[inhales]
Ahh!
Mary lou?
Hey, xandir's dad. What happened to your eye?
Nothing. Nothing.
What are you doing out at this hour? It's getting dark.
Play practice went a little late.
Hop in. I'll give you a ride home.
You like starship?
Who doesn't?
¶ we built this city ¶
Heater's broke, but it's warm over here.
You can slide over nice and close.
¶ we built this city on rock and roll ¶
Mary lou, I don't know why my boy ever broke up with you.
You sure are a pretty little thing.
Why, thank you, xandir's dad.
Now, I know you've been with lots of boys,
But have you ever been with a man?
Ah...Mmm.
[moaning]
Ah, yeah.
You like my thumb, don't you, bitch?
Well, let me show you something almost as big.
So was he any good, mr. Nagasaki?
Sorry about that. He's new.
So dirty. Dirty, dirty. Oh-oh!
It gets easier.
Every time it's gonna get a little bit easier.
You know, sometimes I just pretend I ain't even there.
I imagine I'm in a whole nother place.
A happy place. A place that got ribs.
Come here, baby.
[sobbing]
Hey, xandir, you got another customer.
Word's getting around town you cry a lot.
Japanese businessmen love that.
Let's go.
Remember, xandir.
Ribs.
Ohh! [gasps]
Oh, my god! Stanley!
Oh, my god! Xandir's mom!
Can someone explain to me why we're doing this
When xandir's not around?
How could you, stan? And in our own bed.
She means nothing to me.
Good. Then I'll throw her out.
How could you do this to me, to us?
I'm a man. I have needs.
Why don't you touch me anymore, stan? I'm your wife.
You're not the woman I married.
You're more like the woman who ate the woman I married.
You have 3 children and we'll see how your hips look.
Fine. You wanna know why I never touch you anymore?
It's because...
Every time I look at you,
I see his eyes,
His gay, gay eyes.
Oh, baby, I know.
It hurts when you finally realize you care.
Baby, I'm so sorry for the way I treated you.
I need help. I need help.
I'll help you.
Mmm. Mmm!
Oh, stan!
Oh!
[glass shatters]
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Mr. Nagasaki is dead!
Dead!
What the hell happened?
I did just what he asked.
I got on top of the shitting table,
And the glass, it just shattered.
I told daddy if he want a quality shittin' table,
You gots to go german.
Them swedes don't know crap about shit.
Daddy's gonna kill me.
Mr. Nagasaki was his best customer.
That's only 'cause he thinks every asian guy is mr. Nagasaki.
I was gonna be a star.
Xandir, focus.
You do as I say,
And I'm gonna get you out of this mess, baby.
Thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Now, we got to get rid of the body.
Daddy gonna be back from the opera in 20 minutes.
[sighing]
That...Was...
Incredible.
I know.
Yet something was missing.
Our son.
Our gay, gay son.
¶ 'cause you belong to the city ¶
¶ you belong to the night ¶
¶ living in a river of darkness ¶
¶ beneath the neon lights ¶
¶ you were born in the city ¶
¶ concrete under your feet ¶
¶ it's in your moves ¶
¶ it's in your... ¶
Thank you so much, chocolandra.
Now, when we done here, you gonna pack your bags and run
And don't ever look back.
You understand?
Run? I can't run.
You don't belong here, xandir.
You're too beautiful for this world.
But daddy will kill me if I leave.
I will handle daddy.
You just go home to your family.
My parents, they don't love me.
Of course they love you. A mama never stop loving her son.
I should know, for I, too, am a parent.
Chocolandra?
Xandir, I need you to do something for me.
When you gets out of here, you go to kansas city, missouri.
There's an orphanage on top of the hill.
Find a boy with eyes like mine,
And you tell him that his mama love him.
Tell that boy...I'm sorry.
Kansas city, missouri.
I will, chocolandra. I will.
Good.
[squishing]
Hey, xandir, you missed quite an opera.
¶ kill the rabbit, kill the-- ¶ hey, what the--
Where the hell are you going?
Oh. I, um...[chuckles]
You trying to run out on me, bitch, huh?
There's only 2 ways out of daddy's stable--
Death or promotion in our management training program.
And we're trying to fill those slots with minorities.
Hey, they're not asking for a handout, just a hand.
[whimpering]
Please, daddy, no. Don't shoot. I wanna be a star.
[gun cocking]
Ah!
Run, xandir! Run!
Come with me, chocolandra.
I can't. This is my life.
No, it isn't.
Ok, let's go.
[gunshot]
Ohh! Uhh!
Chocolandra!
[coughs] go, xandir.
And remember... [coughing]
Kansas...City,
Missouri.
Is that supposed to mean something?
Oh, timmy. Ohh!
I am so mad at you.
[gasps]
Sic semper tyrannus.
Ohhh! Agggh!
Ahhhhhhh!
Die, you son of a bitch!
Ohhh!
[gun cocking]
I told you, nobody leaves daddy's stable.
Now I'm gonna blow your limp wristed, mangina-loving brains out.
Nobody calls my son a limp-wristed, "mangina-loving brains out" but me.
Dad.
Uh. Homo's daddy says what?
What?
Exactly.
Ow!
Mama!
Oh, son!
[grunting]
[gunshot]
Ah!
I...
Papa! Stan!
Freeze! Put your hands up!
Xandir.
I'm so sorry.
Shh.
Don't talk, dad. Save your strength.
No. I must say this.
You're my son. I'm proud of you.
No matter how many sausages you smoke,
No matter how many fudge holes you poke,
No matter how many times you dress up like princess leia,
You'll always be...
My son.
My gay son.
No matter how many beer bottles you shove up your ass,
Or potatoes or light bulbs or whatever you people shove up there,
I accept you for who you are.
My son.
My gay son.
My sausage-smoking, fudge hole-poking,
Light bulb-sticking and snurd-nurgling son.
That's all I ever wanted to hear.
Thanks, dad.
Gay.
So that's what'll happen when I tell my parents I'm gay.
Huh. Now I know what to expect.
Thanks, guys.
[humming]
Mom, dad,
I'm gay.
Well, son,
I'm sure I speak for the both of us when I say...
Uh, duh! Uh, duh!
[applause]
¶ you belong to the city ¶
¶ you belong to the night ¶
¶ living in a river of darkness ¶
¶ you belong... ¶
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