Both: ♪♪la la la la ♪♪
Captain hero: old wooly bully and i spent
Another fun-Filled day at the museum of tolerance.
Every time we go, it reminds us
That the world is a tolerant place
Where nothing ever goes wrong.
[Both gasp]
Oh, my god!
We've been robbed!
[Speaking backwards]
We've been robbed!
It was probably the blacks or the mexicans.
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Oh... [sniffs]
This is all my fault.
I look like a tramp in these skin-Tight clothes.
[Crying] there, there. It's all right, man.
To the best of our knowledge, the thief is gone.
I can't have his baby!
Get it out! Get it out!
[Screams]
Calm down, you slut.
We got bigger problems here.
Somebody stole our secret window
To ofrah winfrey land!
[All gasp]
But don't worry, y'all.
Da foxxy is on the case.
So detective foxxy decided to take out her double magnifying glass
And solve the mystery of the thing what happened.
[Sniffing]
[Barks and howls]
[Sniffing] that smell like popeye's.
Aroo? Uh-Uh!
Oh! Stop, thief!
I got you right where i-- [Gasps]
Ray ray? That you, baby?
Yeah. It's me, grandma.
I--I didn't know you lived here.
I thought you had straightened yourself out.
I did, but then i stole your secret window to ofrah land.
I did not not raise your papa
To not raise you to be no criminal!
[Both gasp] [sirens]
Please, grandma! You got to help me!
Ok, ray ray.
We're gonna hide you inside the wall.
Unh!
This is perfect, grandma.
All i need is a rusty pair of handcuffs attached to a water heater,
And it'll feel just like foster home.
[Knock on door]
Man: open up! It's the police!
They found you, ray ray! Now, get in.
And remember,
Don't you come out until i gets you.
[Gasps] there's the tv! Foxxy love,
You're under arrest for robbery
And the rape of captain hero.
How could you? [Crying]
No, i didn't take nothing!
Besides, that's our tv.
But it belongs downstairs!
Take her away! No!
Power to the people!
♪♪ i don't need to take this, m--♪♪
[Impact]
Help me! Oh!
What are we gonna do if the thief comes back?
We're dead! Oh! Hold me!
Get off!
Don't you have superpowers or something?
Yes.
That's a perfect solution, gay friend.
Captain hero shall get himself...
A gun.
[Scoffs]
What's the point in even trying to talk to you?
N. You shouldn't buy a gu
[Echoing] you shouldn't buy a gun.
.. Buy a gun. You shouldn't buy.
Buy a gun. You shouldn't buy...
.. I'm a homo. You shouldn't buy.
Buy a gun.
That dead girl's totally into you.
I took the homo's advice and got myself a gun,
And let me tell you,
Buying a firearm isn't as easy
As the jew-Run media wants you to believe.
Oh, god damn it!
[Grunting]
Ohhh...
Captain hero, voice-Over: wow. Just holding that gun made me feel so safe,
And gave me the confidence to overcome my fears,
Like finally getting that raise i deserve.
I've been here 3 years longer than swanson, sir.
I'm a company man. I'm only asking for what i think is fair.
I mean, who came through for you on that cleveland report?
Just take the car! Don't hurt my baby!
But more importantly,
That gun helped me protect myself and my housema--
What wrong with you, caped man?
I deliver you chinese food every day! Please do not kill me!
Run if you value your life, ninja!
Ok, but you don't shoot.
Oh, gun,
Thank god for you!
[Sultry music playing]
[Drill whirring]
With grandma gone,
I was forced to live behind these walls all by myself.
The loneliness consumed me,
Turning me into some kind of monster.
I began searching for companionship.
Aagh!
Damn! Look at that ass!
Man, she got back for days!
Put a wig on!
Oh, man! That's it!
Man, i'm gonna ride that like a bentley.
Wooldoor: ever wonder why african-American black men
Are so attracted to large posteriors?
Good day. I am professor wooldoor sockbat,
Here to explain this completely racist phenomenon.
For centuries, natives found large, roaming badonkadonks
To be safe havens from the dangers of the wild.
Aah!
Huh?
Their love of huge asses
Has been written into their genetic code.
Even they don't know why.
They just know.
See you next time, when we explore why jews have big noses.
Is it because air is free?
[Grunts]
[Cocks gun]
[Distant squeaking] hmm?
Captain hero: squirrel!
Stop or i'll shoot!
[Squeaks]
Aah!
Holy shit! What did you do?!
Friends, i have killed one of god's most innocent
And intelligent creatures,
And i liked it.
[Thunder]
[Shuddering]
[Grunts]
[Thunder]
Uh, all right.
Toot: ♪♪ do you like how ♪♪
♪♪ i sing a love song? ♪♪
♪♪ do you like vincent van gogh? ♪♪
♪♪ i like to walk ♪♪
™ª ♪♪ the streets at midnight ♪
♪♪ i wanted you to know ♪♪
[Sighs]
[Flatulence]
Dear diary, i'm alone once again,
With no one to love me.
Oh, how i wish i had some...
[Flatulence] cheese.
Love, toot.
Cheese.
Anything your carved and enlarged heart desires.
Captain hero: like a tampon, once i'd had a taste of blood,
I wanted more,
So i inserted myself into the world of hunting.
[Takes deep breath] ah!
All right, wooldoor. It's time for a little duck hunt.
[Electronic barks] [quack]
Fuck you, duck!
[Grunting]
Huh! King of the jungle, my ass!
[Quacking, wings flapping]
[Empty clicking] [grunts]
[Quacking]
Shoot! Shoot!
[Quacking]
[Wooldoor giggling]
[Grunting]
[Giggling]
My god! This is no way to hunt!
Surely there must be a more efficient way to kill.
Oh!
Yes. [Grunts]
[Whirring]
Whoo! Yes!
I'm going to have more arms
Than the wackiest god in all of india.
[Laughing]
Your majesty, da foxxy is only on trial
For stealing that tv because she's black!
I move to have this entire racist trial dismissed!
What say you, judge fudge?
I don't have time to rule on your motion.
I'm far too busy...
Being delicious.
[Laughter]
He is delicious!
[Horse whinnies]
[Yawning]
[Sniffing]
What the...
Oh, my god!
This room has more swiss
Than a list of nazi collaborators!
How could this miracle have happened?
Diary, it was you.
You answered all my prayers.
Thank you, diary! Thank you!
Ray ray: thank you, my sweet fatass.
[Off-Key] ♪♪ do you like how ♪♪
♪♪ i sing out loud? ♪♪
What are you so happy about?
Have you seen how fat you are?
Oh, clara, you're just jealous
'Cause all my dreams have come true.
You're never going to be happy until you have a dream
That has depth and importance,
Like having beautiful hair like mine.
[Wailing]
Dear diary, clara's right!
I wish i had pretty, pretty hair like hers.
Love, toot.
P.S.--If wendy schloman makes the pep squad and i don't,
I will, like, just die!
Captain hero, voice-Over: with my new arsenal
And way too many bong rips,
Hunting was like a whole new game.
[Barks]] [quacking]
[Screams]
Ooh yeah!
Silent predator of the deep, my ass!
[Roars]
[Growls]
[Wails]
[Bullets ricochet]
Captain hero: die!
[Yawns]
Huh? What the toot?
Oh, magic diary!
You've done it again!
Hey, spanky, what do you think?
Whoa! Toot!
You look fabulous! Have you lost weight?
No!
Well, i don't know what's changed, but watch out, chickens!
There's a fox in the house!
Princess clara: aah!
What the hell did you do to me?!
Clara, you don't look so good. Have you put on weight?
No! Toot stole my beautiful, beautiful hair!
I didn't steal it.
I just woke up with your hair
Attractively stapled to my scalp.
[Fog horn blows] [flies buzzing]
I'm gonna have those jew producers
Throw you out of this house forever!
[Line ringing] [wailing]
Dear diary,
I'm finally beautiful,
And now clara wants me out of the house.
If anyone should be out of the house, it should be her!
I wish she were dead!
P.S.--That mrs. Udoff is such a bitch.
I mean, who assigns homework over christmas break?
Friends, i have returned triumphant.
[Flies buzzing]
[All exclaim]
[Squealing]
Hero, using assault rifles
And armor-Piercing bullets to hunt?
? Don't you think that's a bit excessive
Screw you all! It's my right to use these weapons
Any way i please, and nothing is going to change my mind.
[Doorbell rings]
You killed my mother!
Sucks to be you.
[Crying]
I'm so sad and so cute!
I miss mommy!
I know, broham, but i was just hunting.
Ever since the prehistoric cave jews
Hunted down jesusaurses,
Slaughtering defenseless creatures has been
Our nation's pasttime.
I'm not saying you need to stop hunting...
Bitchin'!
But using assault rifles
And armor-Piercing bullets is just not fair.
Huh?
Just give us a fighting chance, mr. Hero.
Maybe mommy would have lived!
[Wailing]
Captain hero, narrating: i quickly realized
That i could not solve this highly complicated
National conundrum on gun control by myself.
So, i assembled the wisest group of superheroes i know:
The federation of justice!
Thank you for having me, federation of justice.
How many times do we have to tell you?
We're not the federation of justice.
Did you bring any food this time?
It is good to see you, too, festering lesion man.
And now i need your sage advice.
I'll suck you off for a dollar.
Well said, whitney houston man.
We hunters have enough of an advantage already
Without assault rifles.
What say you, screeching, cackling,
Covered in his own feces man?
[Screaming incoherently]
I hadn't thought of that, friend.
I must rid the world of all assault weapons.
Who's in?!
And break!
[Grunting]
Nice towel.
Ow! [Giggles]
[Screams]
Diary, this isn't what i meant!
I didn't want you to kill clara!
I just wanted clara out of the house.
Dear diary,
Today i threw you in the fireplace
Because you're a sourc e of murderous evil!
P.S.--I still totally like mike jerowski.
Captain hero, narrating: and so i gathered up
All the world's assault rifles.
And i knew just the place to throw them.
[Flushes]
Oh!
[Jiggles handle]
Good-Bye, assault rifles!
Well, i guess it's just you and me now, standard firearm.
Come here, you.
[Grunting] [clothing rips]
[Gunshot]
See. What did i tell you?
I knew it was a black or a mexican.
Hey, ref, da foxxy sterniously objects!
I'm sorry, foxxy.
I don't have time to rule on your objection.
I'm far to busy...
Being delicious.
[Laughter]
He is delicious!
Man: that's great! That's--
Toots, narrating: i had to cover up clara's death.
I've seen enough movies toknow
That if you have a dead person's scalp stapled to your head
And the delicious contents of her stomach in your lunch box,
People will see you as suspect number one.
Well, that takes care of that. [Hums]
[Sniffs]
What?
[Whimpers]
[Gasps]
[Screams] you're evil!
Pure evil! I hate you!
How could you do this to me, diary?!
. I did it 'cause i loves you
I always loves you.
[Screams]
Thank you, captain hero.
For ridding the world of assault weapons.
Now, my mother's death won't be in vain.
No, thank you, snoopy,
For opening my eyes.
Now, you run along.
Bye! [Gasps]
[Indistinct] [grunting]
Oh, friends?! Oh, friends?!
Gather round!
I have some stupendous news for all of us.
I was able to convince mr. Hero
To rid the world of all assault rifles
And armor-Piercing bullets.
[Cheering]
That's right, loyal servants,
Our plan is working.
And now, the war begins!
[Thunder]
[Laughter]
We have reached a verdict,
Honorable judge fudge.
[Sobs]
Your honor?
I'm sorry.
I can't hear the verdict.
You see, my wife left me last night
And i'm just not feeling very delicious.
Gallery: aw!
Poor fudge.
I'm just messing with ya!
I can't be serious all the time!
I'm far too busy...
All: being delicious!
[Laughter]
Hey, baby. How you doing?
♪♪ judge fudge ♪♪
♪♪ fudge ♪♪
[Cheering]
Yeah!
[Screaming]
Shh! My sweet.
I been living in the walls
And reading your diary.
It's i who ha ve been answering your prayers.
Hey, whatever gets your rocks off, man.
Ever since i first laid eyes on you,
I fell in love with you.
Really?
Yes! Don't make me repeat myself, woman!
There's just something about you
And your huge, fat ass that makes me feel...
Safe.
I don't know why.
I just know.
That is the sweetest thing i've ever heard.
I think i love you, too!
We could be together forever,
A fat, ugly white woman,
And a creepy black man--
Just like "miami vice."
Oh, wall guy,
Let's do it!
[Grunts]
Well, cap, i'm actually proud of you--
For once.
Yes, thanks to captain me,
The world is so much better off
Without assault rifles.
The only downside is
What happened to the open of my favorite show.
Announcer: and if you can afford them,
You can hire the a-Team.
[Single gunshots]
[Gun clicks]
Oh, god damn it!
[Clicking]
[Bullets clang on floor]
Oh, what the fuck, man?
[Rumbling] what the hell is that?!
[All screaming]
Guess again! It's me--Bambi!
, just because i'm dating your mother
It doesn't mean we have to hang out all the time.
You humans have hunted us since the dawn of time.
And now, it is our turn to hunt you!
Attack!
Stand back!
I'll protect you assholes!
[All grunting]
[Growling] [gun clicking]
And they're wearing bulletproof vests!
Your revolver just isn't enough!
I need my assault rifles!
[Screams]
What have i done?!
[Deer growling] [whimpering]
Hey, you, fartwads!
The wall guy and i are in love,
And--What the hell?!
The deer are attacking!
Oh, my god!
Hey, y'all, i know where we'll be safe!
W, i don't know why i kno
I just know!
Follow me!
[Panting] [grunts]
[Grunts]
[Grunting]
Wooldoor: ooh, roomy.
Huh? What?!
Where'd they all go?
They just disappeared.
The only thing left is this friendly
But unattractive moose.
What should we do?
Dude, you want to go get totally baked?
Dude!
Wait! No! Come back!
I killed my own mother for this!
Wall guy? Wall guy?!
Oh.
I'm all alone...
Once again.
♪♪ do you like how ♪♪
♪♪ i sing a love song ♪♪
[Grunts]
Mike? Mike jerowski?
What are you doing here?
I thought you only like cheerleaders.
Cheerleaders?!
I like them about as much as i like bitch-Ass udoff!
I mean, homework over vacation?
What a bitch!
Tell me about it.
Hey, i heard you beat out
Wendy schloman for pep squad. Nice.
So, you want to finger flick me on my cheese bed?
Dude!
[Bed creaking]
[Whistling]
[Gunshot]
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