Captain hero, narrating: wednesday morning was guys night.
So we were playing our favorite drinking game.
We watchdrawn together,
And whenever anything gay happens,
We all take a shot.
[Sniffs]
Gay! Drink! Gay! Drink!
Oh. It's already over?
But i'm barely drunk.
Blecch!
So what should we do now?
Let's shave ling-Ling's eyebrows.
Yeah! Fu'in eyebrows!
Blecch!
[Shouting]
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[Panting]
Xandir?
Guys, he's dead!
Ohh!
What should we do?
Let's get some more beer!
I'll drive! Yay! [Burps]
[Captain hero laughs]
All: ♪♪ like makin' love, love, love, love, love ♪♪
♪♪ i feel like makin' love ♪♪
[Scatting]
Take it, hero!
™ª ♪♪ feel like making love to you ♪
Aah!
[Skidding]
Oh, my god. We hit someone
Because we were drinking and driving.
[Ding]
♪♪ the more you know ♪♪
I'll check it out.
Here. Take this.
[Gasps]
We ran over a homeless guy.
So, you guys look...
[Gibberish]
How did you hear about the party?
We have to call the cops!
I won't go back to rehab.
I can't go back.
[Yelling]
[Cat yowls]
I guess we should take him back to the house
And nurse him back to health.
. Oh, don't worry, buddy
We're gonna take good care of you.
♪♪ i feel like makin' love , love, love, da, da... ♪♪
[Hiccups]
. Damn. You're beautiful
What's your name?
My name's charlotte.
Do you really think i'm beautiful?
What the fuck did i just say?!
Aww.
No one's ever loved me enough to yell at me before.
Oh, i'll love you real good.
Just back that little thorax right up into me.
Oh, yeah. I know what you like.
[Spitting]
[Clearing throat]
[Zipper]
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Ling-Ling, you killed xylophone.
Who the hell is ling-Ling?
Guys, this is serious.
This time, it was xandir,
But next time, it could be someone
We actually care about.
Oh, no!
Ling-Ling ain't gonna kill...
Uh...uh...
Neh....
Hohh.
What's his name?
Eh...
Ling-Ling can't kill funyuns, can he?
[Speaking japanese]
[Doorbell rings]
You killed my son xandir.
He was a beautiful little boy, and you killed him.
I want you to know that.
You knew there was a shark out there,
But you let people go swimming anyway.
Now my boy is dead.
I wanted you to know that.
Hey, look! The guys are gone!
Ooh.
Ahh.
[Yawns]
Uhh, "some pig"?
Mm-Hmm. You were some pig last night.
That was the hottest interspecies sex
Since matthew broderick nailed sarah jessica parker.
... you're sayin' we, uh
8 times! Ha ha ha!
R. So i was thinkin' we could go to my parent's place for dinne
That would be so much fun!
Uh, i gotta go.
Call me?
Eh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got your number.
But you never even looked at it!
There are 2 things spanky ham doesn't forget:
. Phone numbers and his grandmother's birthday
[Sad piano plays]
Hero, it's your shift
To take care of the homeless guy we ran over--
Because we were drinking and driving.
D'oh! But i was gonna go mountain climbing.
Besides, i'm terrified of homeless people,
With their open sores and wrinkly, rancid ball sacs.
Ptui!
I already dressed his wounds.
I emptied his bedpan.
I even gave him a kidney transplant.
Huh? Ooh?
Goddamn it!
The least you can do is change his bandages.
After all, we were drinking--
Oh, fine!
Oh, ho, ho!
You guys got me a present!
Please let it be a random homeless bum.
Oh, my god.
This isn't a rando m homeless bum.
This is him,
My...archnemesis!
[Dramatic organ plays]
Thank you for sharing, ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling must find source of anger.
Source of hulk anger exposure to excessive gamma radiation.
Ling-Ling, what your gamma radiation?
[U can't touch thisplaying]
[Scatting]
! Ling-Ling can't touch this
♪♪ can't touch this ♪♪
[Thwack]
Aah!
[Laughing]
Ling-Ling, you can forget about dancing.
Like every kid who has ever been adopted,
You are destined to kill.
[Roaring]
Hulk think ling-Ling know
What ling-Ling has to do now.
Ling-Ling must...
No, dance!
Oh, unless ling-Ling want to kiss hulk.
Right, right.
Why would ling-Ling want to kiss hulk?
Especially when he looks so fat in these pants!
Stupid hulk! Stupid hulk!
Somehow, fate has delivered my archnemesis
Right into my lap.
Oh, he's mine to kill. But how?
But...how?
Why don't you just pull the plug on him?
He's basically comatose.
Comatose like a fox!
No, i'll have to come up with the perfect plan.
[Cellphone rings]
Charlotte, for the last time,
Stop calling!
Hero, what the hell are you--Uhh!
[Giggling]
Hey, hero,
I thought you were gonna kill your arch--
[Gagging]
What comes after asphyxi-7?
Asphyxiate!
[Yelling]
[Oboe playing]
Well, well, well.
Ling-Ling, i have not seen you since, what, sixth grade?
Ha ha ha ha!
You still want to dance,
And you think these shoes will help?
If you want them,
You'll have to defeat my newest and most horrific battle monster,
Post-Pubescent frankie muniz!
[Shrieks]
You will never be a dancer!
You are a killer! Ha ha ha!
Oh, look. Ling-Ling is gone.
[Yelling]
Captain hero, narrating: there i was,
Seconds away from destroying the most evil man
I had ever known.
But i couldn't kill a man on his deathbed.
Are you here to kill me?
No. No, my worthy adversary.
Not today.
But you must.
It is your sworn duty as a superhero.
[Chuckles] you said, "duty."
I know. I--I totally said "duty.
[Laughing]
I just knew if we hung out,
We'd be friends.
Really? Me, too.
Well, old pal, i guess my new sworn duty
Is to nurse you back to health.
You totally said, "duty," again.
Ha ha ha!
Why is that funny?
Spanky, i had a really great time with you.
Can i come inside?
In about 30 seconds,
I was gonna ask you the same thing.
Ooh, how droll.
Spanky: ah?!
[Charlotte reading webs]
Ha ha ha!
You have another girlfriend?
And i thought you were different!
[Crying]
[Beep]
Extermination company?
I got a problem.
Hero, will you read to me?
Read to you? Ha!
I'd just as soon kill an innocent waitress
As she walked to her car after her shift ended 2 days ago.
But i'm too weak to read by myself.
[Coughs]
Ok, fine.
"I..."
Oh, i can't read!
Ok? There, i said it!
I can't read!
And now you're afraid to try.
[Whimpering]
Don't be afraid anymore, for i am with you.
Now pick up that book and read!
Read like you've never read before!
"I n-N-Never thought it would h-Happen to me."
Keep going,
Yes.
"I whipped out my 7-Inch d-D-D--"
Sound it out.
"Dick!
And fed it to her voluptuous t-T--"
You can do it! "Tits!"
By the way, do you wear reading glasses?
Oh, yeah. I totally forgot.
"And then we both shouted with pleasure
And collapsed in a soaking-Wet puddle of sticky delight!"
I'm actually reading!
Wow! I can't believe we got the real ling-Ling!
And we were about to give the part to fran drescher.
Yoko ono, mitsubishi.
I have a small penis.
[Laughing]
As a formality, ling-Ling,
You mind showin' us some of your moves?
♪♪ the itsy-Bitsy spider went up the waterspout ♪♪
♪♪ down came the rain and washed the spider out ♪♪
♪♪ out came the sun and dried up all the rain ♪♪
♪♪ and the itsy-Bitsy spider went up the spout again ♪♪
Ha ha! Yes.
Sweet merciful jesus!
You're the worst dancer i've ever seen!
Ling-Ling dream, huh?
Ok, kid, i'll give you a chance.
It's a small part-- Judge fudge.
The real guy dropped out,
'Cause apparently he was far too busy with somethin' else.
Yay!
Regret?
Unless directing this musical
Can give me more aids,
I don't regret anything about it.
Hey! You know what i did today?
I took the red line all the way across town--
Can't you fly?
I can do anything now that i can read!
When you get better,
We can ride the bus together
Like we always talked about.
I'm afraid that's not gonna happen, chum.
I only have hours... to live.
Ohh!
[Dramatic organ plays]
Wow! A stage show with no quarter slot or plexiglas window.
Mmm, that's class.
Hey, look! The guys are gone!
N. The zipper's broke
Darn this stupid thing.
Hey, unpredictable gorilla?
If you help me with my zipper,
I'll give you this sparkler.
Huh?
[Screaming] [roaring]
Oh, no!
Something happened to gwyneth paltrow.
Ling-Ling, you have to take her place as the star!
Hey, uh, thanks for givin' me another shot.
Now, are you sure you're finished with that crazy spider girl?
Because i am too classy to be the second woman.
Unless, of course, we're having a piss orgy.
Don't worry, sweetheart.
I called an exterminator.
[Gasps]
Boba!
Good-Bye, old soldier.
I will avenge you.
I will avenge you!
[Crying]
Cruel fate. You can't die!
We never rode the bus!
. Now, now. I've lived a full life
I only wish that before i go,
I could--Oh, never mind.
No. What is it, dear nemesis?
You gave me the gift of words.
I'll do anything!
Well, since you asked, i'm a villain,
And as i prepare to move into the next world,
I must have the evil washed from my body.
Wooldoor gave you a sponge bath this morning.
But he didn't clean all of me,
And if--If i'm to meet my maker,
My entire body must be cleansed.
It is my dying wish for you to finish the job.
[Flies buzzing, foghorn]
Not...your...balls!
Or is he?
I came to see you dance.
I was just jealous.
I, too, always wanted to be a dancer as well, also,
But i didn't have the talent.
So i tortured you relentlessly
Until you became a sociopathic killer,
Crushing your dreams. My bad.
Gash know ling-Ling can dance...
With these!
[Gasps]
Listen, charlotte, i wanted to get together
So we could talk face to face
And put and end to this nonsense.
! I'm so glad you called
I have something wonderful to show you.
Ta-Da!
I've already started thinking of names.
There's mordechai, shlomo, avi,
Bracha, spider number 72--
Sweet mother of all that's holy!
Aren't they beautiful?
Ha ha ha!
Yeah. Yeah, they're precious.
Uh...you know, let's celebrate by ordering a big feast.
My babies! You monster.
I'm gonna make --
Mmm...uh...
I'll have the pork chops.
What am i to do?
My nemesis taught me to read, but now...
He wants me to wash his balls,
And i really don't feel like it.
God, give me a sign.
[Baa baa]
So...what does that mean, exactly?
Oh, well, i guess it's up to m e to figure this out,
Through song.
♪♪ how can i face the shriveled balls of my decrepit nemesis? ♪♪
♪♪ i can smell that crotch from here ♪♪
♪♪ that sac has not been cleaned in years ♪♪
♪♪ it's gotta be drenched in layers of sweat and piss ♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪ but he taught me how to read
♪♪ and that has opened up new worlds ♪♪
♪♪ still that stench ♪♪
♪♪ rancid flesh soaked in crotch juice, pus, and ass ♪♪
♪♪ good god, it makes me want to hurl ♪♪
♪♪ but i can't deny him his denying wish ♪♪
♪♪ even though i swear i'll faint ♪♪
♪♪ if i find some ancient dingleberry ♪♪
♪♪ sticking to his taint ♪♪
♪♪ but wait! I must stand for something! ♪♪
™ª ♪♪ i'm a hero, after all ♪
♪♪ i must have the balls ♪♪
♪♪ to face his nasty, cadaverous , spidery-Pubed ♪♪
♪♪ rash-Ridden, lice-Infested, limburger-Smelling ♪♪
♪♪ retch-Inducing balls ♪♪
♪♪ i'm a single guy in my 20s ♪♪
♪♪ and my sunglasses are stylin' ♪♪
♪♪ i sometimes hang at the house ♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪ i'm steve from long island
[Applause]
. You're on, kid
Yay. Yay. Yay.
[Gasps]
Really?
Thank you, too, also.
[Show tune playing]
Yah?
Ohh! Frankie muniz supposed to be
Gash's battle monster
Down in front!
Yeah! Sit down, asshole!
[People screaming]
Yah!
No, ling-Ling. You've escaped that life.
If you battle him, you may never escape it again as well.
[Show tune playing]
Captain hero,
I'm not much longer for this world.
Shh. Save your strength.
And prepare to meet your forefathers...
Cleansed,
For i will wash your balls.
God bless you.
I'm allergic to latex.
Of course you are.
[Winces]
Suction.
[Whoosh]
[Whirring]
[Squeaks]
Voila!
♪♪ your balls are clean ♪♪
They certainly are!
Ha ha ha!
Once again, i've tricked the mighty captain hero
Into washing my balls!
But the car crash, the reading, the bus schedule!
All part of my fiendish plot, and you fell for it!
So long, captain hero.
Thanks for the clean balls!
Ha ha ha!
Damn you, scroto!
Ohh.
His name is scroto?
Yes.
So that's what your archnemesis does?
Yep.
No bank robberies?
Uh-Uh.
Or blowing up the planet?
Nope.
He just tricks superheroes into washing his balls?
Not all superheroes.
Just me. Just me.
What a strange, strange villain.
[Sniffs]
Gay! Drink! Drink!
[Gulping] [belch]
♪♪ your balls are clean ♪♪
[Farting and slurping]
Captioned by the national captioning institute --Www.Ncicap.Org--
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