1 00:00:01,836 --> 00:00:04,381 The trick to cereal is keeping 70% above the milk. 2 00:00:04,464 --> 00:00:07,133 Jerry, get a job. 3 00:00:07,217 --> 00:00:08,760 Uh, w-why don't you get it, Jerry? 4 00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:11,429 You're the man of the house, and you don't have a job. 5 00:00:13,306 --> 00:00:14,683 Delivery for Rick. 6 00:00:14,933 --> 00:00:16,351 Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry. 7 00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:19,062 - Gross. What is that thing? - It's a courier flap. 8 00:00:19,145 --> 00:00:20,539 It's like the intergalactic version of UPS, 9 00:00:20,563 --> 00:00:22,065 but less off-putting. 10 00:00:22,148 --> 00:00:23,358 Oh, shiiit! 11 00:00:23,441 --> 00:00:25,318 It looks like an egg-vite from Birdperson. 12 00:00:25,402 --> 00:00:27,487 Must be time for his annual Oscar party. 13 00:00:27,570 --> 00:00:29,256 And, by the way, our TV signals take light years 14 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:30,448 to reach his planet. 15 00:00:30,532 --> 00:00:32,367 Nobody tell him that "Braveheart" wins. 16 00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:34,369 Greetings. This is Birdperson. 17 00:00:34,452 --> 00:00:35,620 And Tammy! 18 00:00:35,704 --> 00:00:37,497 Inviting you to planet Squanch for 19 00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:39,332 our mate-melding ceremony... - Blugh! 20 00:00:39,416 --> 00:00:40,709 Ifyou're from Earth, 21 00:00:40,959 --> 00:00:42,239 that means we're getting married! 22 00:00:42,293 --> 00:00:44,671 Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson! 23 00:00:44,921 --> 00:00:46,381 What the hell is a Birdperson? 24 00:00:46,464 --> 00:00:47,674 He's Rick's best friend. 25 00:00:47,924 --> 00:00:49,402 Uh, I-let's not get carried away, Morty. 26 00:00:49,426 --> 00:00:51,261 Would you like to RSVP or send a gift? 27 00:00:51,344 --> 00:00:53,263 No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. 28 00:00:53,346 --> 00:00:55,324 If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away, 29 00:00:55,348 --> 00:00:57,183 I'd hang out with Jerry all day. 30 00:00:57,267 --> 00:00:58,685 Affirmative! Returning to sender. 31 00:00:58,935 --> 00:01:00,079 No, hold on, stay, courier flaps. 32 00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,813 - Staying! - Dad, you have a friend... 33 00:01:01,896 --> 00:01:03,815 that's getting married. That's a big deal. 34 00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:05,692 It's a big deal he has a friend. 35 00:01:05,775 --> 00:01:08,278 What do you know about friendship, Jerry? 36 00:01:08,361 --> 00:01:09,946 Confirmed, shipping Jerry. 37 00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,948 - Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah! - Oh, god! Jerry! 38 00:01:12,031 --> 00:01:13,116 - Dad! - Dad! 39 00:01:13,199 --> 00:01:15,201 Where is it taking him? 40 00:01:15,285 --> 00:01:17,162 I assume planet Squanch... 41 00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,122 6,000 light years across the galaxy. 42 00:01:19,205 --> 00:01:20,707 Whoa, t-that's... That's insane! 43 00:01:20,790 --> 00:01:23,585 Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding. 44 00:01:23,668 --> 00:01:26,254 ♪♪ 45 00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:05,960 Rick Sanchez! 46 00:02:06,044 --> 00:02:07,504 You psycho bag of squanch! 47 00:02:07,587 --> 00:02:09,005 Hey, what's up, Squanchy? 48 00:02:09,088 --> 00:02:10,965 - Hey, Squanchy. - Morty, Summer! 49 00:02:11,049 --> 00:02:12,634 And you must be Beth. 50 00:02:12,717 --> 00:02:14,636 Mwah! Ensquanche! 51 00:02:14,719 --> 00:02:17,430 Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. 52 00:02:17,514 --> 00:02:18,949 Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, 53 00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,433 like the Smurf thing? 54 00:02:20,517 --> 00:02:23,478 Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. 55 00:02:23,561 --> 00:02:26,022 Just say what's in your squanch and people understand. 56 00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:27,398 Oh. Okay. 57 00:02:27,482 --> 00:02:29,943 I squanch my family. 58 00:02:30,026 --> 00:02:31,653 - Uh... - What? I do. 59 00:02:31,736 --> 00:02:34,364 I squanch my family. - Stop saying it. Gross. 60 00:02:34,447 --> 00:02:35,907 Come on in, guys. 61 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,742 The guest are having cocksquanches. 62 00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:45,667 Where am I?! - You're at a wedding. 63 00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,418 Go change. 64 00:02:47,502 --> 00:02:50,046 ♪ And I'm an alien with jazz rap style ♪ 65 00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:52,340 ♪ Jazz rapping for an alien mile ♪ 66 00:02:52,423 --> 00:02:55,093 ♪ Fat beats and an alien smile ♪ 67 00:02:55,176 --> 00:02:58,388 ♪ Jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend ♪ 68 00:02:58,471 --> 00:02:59,990 ♪ I got a mouthful of jazz for your ass ♪ 69 00:03:01,558 --> 00:03:02,767 ♪ And I'm gonna keep jazzing ♪ 70 00:03:02,851 --> 00:03:04,394 Oh, you made it! 71 00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:06,354 I wouldn't miss it for the world! 72 00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,523 Oh, my god. I love your ring. 73 00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:11,484 Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's. 74 00:03:11,568 --> 00:03:13,236 She fought a squirrel for it. 75 00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,529 Birdperson. 76 00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:16,531 Rick, I am pleased you and your family 77 00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:18,408 could witness my melding with Tammy. 78 00:03:18,491 --> 00:03:20,076 Our pleasure. 79 00:03:20,159 --> 00:03:21,595 Yeah, I just hope you got a pre-meld. 80 00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:23,371 - Rick! - What?! It's just a practical 81 00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:25,307 way of making sure that when she's done with you, 82 00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:27,083 you can get one of your balls back. 83 00:03:27,166 --> 00:03:29,085 - Jesus, Dad. - He's grumpy from the flight. 84 00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:31,087 Ohh, I-I was happy on the flight. 85 00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:33,006 I'm grumpy from the landing. 86 00:03:33,089 --> 00:03:35,550 Well, I looked at the guest book. 87 00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:37,802 We don't know a damn person here. 88 00:03:37,886 --> 00:03:39,971 Hi! Jerry Smith... Father of the bride's friend. 89 00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:42,265 Advertising is my usual game, but I'm between... 90 00:03:42,348 --> 00:03:44,100 Jerry, stop networking. We're in space. 91 00:03:44,183 --> 00:03:45,852 "Jerry, get a job! 92 00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:47,788 Jerry, don't look for a job at an alien wedding!" 93 00:03:47,812 --> 00:03:49,731 I don't get you. - This is the closest... 94 00:03:49,814 --> 00:03:51,625 I've ever gotten to this part of my father's life. 95 00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:53,443 I don't want to blow it. 96 00:03:53,526 --> 00:03:55,153 Okay, I get it. I'm cramping your style. 97 00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:58,114 You say you get it, but I'm scared you'll keep doing it. 98 00:03:58,197 --> 00:04:00,116 Look, here's some humans you can practice on. 99 00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:02,118 You must be Summer's mom and dad. 100 00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:04,081 We're Tammy's parents... Pat and Donna Guterman. 101 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,205 Hi. Beth. This is Jerry. 102 00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:09,000 So your teenage daughter's marrying a Birdman. 103 00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,668 Are you guys down with that? 104 00:04:10,752 --> 00:04:12,337 No pun intended. 105 00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,130 We're quite proud. 106 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,382 He's a wonderful person and an incredible Bird. 107 00:04:16,466 --> 00:04:18,259 Still, what is he, 40? 108 00:04:18,343 --> 00:04:19,510 It's just, you know, 109 00:04:19,594 --> 00:04:21,679 when he was 30, she was an actual child. 110 00:04:21,763 --> 00:04:23,514 When he was her age, she wasn't born. 111 00:04:23,598 --> 00:04:25,558 When he was, let's see, like, 18, 112 00:04:25,642 --> 00:04:28,603 she was literally in there in your womb. 113 00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:30,313 Imagine being pregnant with your daughter 114 00:04:30,396 --> 00:04:32,166 and a Bird teenager comes into your home and says, 115 00:04:32,190 --> 00:04:34,108 "I'll take that. I'll have sex with that." 116 00:04:34,192 --> 00:04:35,777 Give us one second. 117 00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:37,779 Were you born with your feet in your mouth? 118 00:04:37,862 --> 00:04:40,615 I was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right. 119 00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:43,117 So take your attitude to the men's section of KMart, 120 00:04:43,201 --> 00:04:45,620 'cause you need to cut me some slack... s. 121 00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:47,121 I want you to stand in the corner 122 00:04:47,205 --> 00:04:48,724 and face the corner and talk to nobody. 123 00:04:48,748 --> 00:04:52,043 Maybe... I... will. 124 00:04:52,126 --> 00:04:54,045 You know, you're not being very supportive 125 00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:55,755 of Birdperson on his big day. 126 00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:58,049 Birdperson's big day, Morty, 127 00:04:58,132 --> 00:05:01,469 was at Blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon 128 00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:03,346 against the Gromflamites! 129 00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,682 This? This is a losing battle. 130 00:05:05,765 --> 00:05:07,684 Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying. 131 00:05:07,767 --> 00:05:09,227 He's getting married! 132 00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:10,704 I mean, what do you think's gonna happen 133 00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:12,355 if you open yourself up a little bit? 134 00:05:12,438 --> 00:05:13,815 I mean, look around. 135 00:05:13,898 --> 00:05:16,693 This is your family and friends all around you, you know? 136 00:05:16,776 --> 00:05:18,277 Take the day off. 137 00:05:18,361 --> 00:05:20,321 There's nothing to run from, nothing to fight. 138 00:05:20,405 --> 00:05:22,323 That's his last name. 139 00:05:22,407 --> 00:05:23,449 Are you hyphenating it? 140 00:05:23,533 --> 00:05:24,742 Squanch this, mo-Fo. 141 00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,287 Good one, Morty. Excuse me, bartender. 142 00:05:28,371 --> 00:05:30,289 Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk? 143 00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:33,376 It's one part lame advice about stuff you know nothing about 144 00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:34,836 and a lot of vodka. 145 00:05:34,919 --> 00:05:36,629 Mm-Hmm. I have a lot of vodka. 146 00:05:36,713 --> 00:05:37,547 Then I'll take one of those. 147 00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:39,173 I don't need the rest. 148 00:05:39,257 --> 00:05:41,342 God, whatever, Rick. 149 00:05:41,426 --> 00:05:43,886 It sounds like you and my dad have a long history together. 150 00:05:43,970 --> 00:05:45,555 Wish I could say the same. 151 00:05:45,638 --> 00:05:47,557 The road your father and I walked together 152 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:51,519 is soaked deeply with the blood of both friends and enemies. 153 00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:52,603 Must be nice. 154 00:05:52,687 --> 00:05:54,647 Um, I used to have to draw him 155 00:05:54,731 --> 00:05:56,357 into family photos with a crayon. 156 00:05:56,441 --> 00:05:58,860 The war in which we fought is far from over. 157 00:05:58,943 --> 00:06:00,486 We live our lives in hiding. 158 00:06:00,570 --> 00:06:02,697 I guess I should be happy for you. 159 00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:05,324 I mean, great, you guys got to hang out. 160 00:06:05,408 --> 00:06:06,868 I hope you had a blast. 161 00:06:06,951 --> 00:06:09,454 The galactic government considers us terrorists. 162 00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:11,831 It's unwise of me to share these details, 163 00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,416 but I've become inebriated. 164 00:06:13,499 --> 00:06:14,810 I don't know if you can appreciate 165 00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:17,003 what it means to grow up without a father, but... 166 00:06:17,253 --> 00:06:18,796 The guest list at this wedding 167 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,632 includes 17 of the Federation's most wanted. 168 00:06:21,716 --> 00:06:23,634 We have committed numerous atrocities 169 00:06:23,718 --> 00:06:25,303 in the name of freedom. 170 00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:26,679 Annnd during that time, 171 00:06:26,763 --> 00:06:28,490 I don't suppose he ever mentioned his daughter. 172 00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:29,891 Are those baby quiches? 173 00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:31,350 Night crawler pate. 174 00:06:31,434 --> 00:06:33,394 I should prepare for the ceremony. 175 00:06:33,478 --> 00:06:35,438 Like talking to a brick wall. 176 00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:38,900 In the name of the squanch, the six rivers, 177 00:06:38,983 --> 00:06:40,902 the four squanches, and the nine balls, 178 00:06:40,985 --> 00:06:45,281 I unite these two organisms in eternal squanch! 179 00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:47,408 Tammy, you may squanch your vows now. 180 00:06:47,492 --> 00:06:49,911 Birdperson... 181 00:06:49,994 --> 00:06:53,915 You are my seed, my worm, my earliness, 182 00:06:53,998 --> 00:06:55,666 and my lack of cats. 183 00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:58,169 I promise to be yours until your death. 184 00:06:58,252 --> 00:06:59,504 - Nice! - Aww! 185 00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:00,963 Birdperson. 186 00:07:01,047 --> 00:07:03,883 Tammy, I was approaching infertility when I met you, 187 00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:05,635 but there is still time. 188 00:07:05,718 --> 00:07:07,345 I am yours until my death. 189 00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:08,846 Aww! 190 00:07:08,930 --> 00:07:10,765 Aww. 191 00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:13,810 I now pronounce you Squanch and Birdperson! 192 00:07:20,775 --> 00:07:23,653 ♪ Girl, you got it going on ♪ 193 00:07:27,323 --> 00:07:29,575 I am not staring at you. 194 00:07:29,659 --> 00:07:32,662 I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural. 195 00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:34,455 This is a candid shot. 196 00:07:34,539 --> 00:07:36,582 I don't require a camera so... 197 00:07:36,666 --> 00:07:38,417 Sorry. 198 00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:40,378 Hi. I am not staring at you... 199 00:07:46,342 --> 00:07:47,844 Uh, hi, everybody. 200 00:07:47,927 --> 00:07:49,595 I'm Rick. 201 00:07:49,679 --> 00:07:54,600 You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh... 202 00:07:54,684 --> 00:07:56,411 Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe 203 00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:57,687 because I'm the smartest. 204 00:07:57,770 --> 00:07:59,490 And being nice is something stupid people do 205 00:07:59,564 --> 00:08:00,898 to hedge their bets. 206 00:08:00,982 --> 00:08:02,358 Now, I haven't been exactly subtle 207 00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:03,776 about how little I trust marriage. 208 00:08:03,860 --> 00:08:05,153 I couldn't make it work, 209 00:08:05,403 --> 00:08:06,839 and I could turn a black hole into a sun, 210 00:08:06,863 --> 00:08:08,823 so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself 211 00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:10,700 what are the odds this is legit 212 00:08:10,783 --> 00:08:12,511 and not just some big lie we're all telling ourselves 213 00:08:12,535 --> 00:08:13,995 because we're afraid to die alone? 214 00:08:14,078 --> 00:08:16,831 Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die... alone. 215 00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:17,914 - Oh, boy. - Oh, Dad. 216 00:08:17,957 --> 00:08:19,000 Jesus. 217 00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:21,043 But... But... here's the thing. 218 00:08:21,127 --> 00:08:23,004 Birdperson is my best friend, 219 00:08:23,087 --> 00:08:25,840 and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too. 220 00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:32,388 To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet... 221 00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:34,724 Opening myself up to others. 222 00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:36,267 Hear, hear! Cheers! 223 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,269 Cheers to that, motherfucker! 224 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:41,022 Thank you, Rick. That was beautiful. 225 00:08:41,105 --> 00:08:44,400 Gosh, I look around this room, and I think, 226 00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,277 "Uh, Tammy, you're a high-School senior 227 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,963 from the planet Earth, and you're marrying 228 00:08:47,987 --> 00:08:50,573 a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?!" 229 00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:52,992 Yeah, Tammy! 230 00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:55,703 But then I think, you know, in a lot of ways, 231 00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:58,706 I'm not a high-School senior from the planet Earth. 232 00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:00,958 In a lot of ways, what I really am 233 00:09:01,042 --> 00:09:03,920 is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, 234 00:09:04,003 --> 00:09:06,047 and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, 235 00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:09,050 and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded. 236 00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:10,885 Oh, shit. 237 00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:13,363 - I... don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later. 238 00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,056 Everyone here is under arrest 239 00:09:15,139 --> 00:09:16,849 for crimes against the Federation. 240 00:09:16,933 --> 00:09:17,934 I 'chaim! 241 00:09:18,017 --> 00:09:21,229 - Tammy, what are you doing? - Sit your Bird ass down. 242 00:09:21,479 --> 00:09:23,314 Tammy? 243 00:09:25,149 --> 00:09:27,735 Birdperson!! No!! 244 00:09:31,864 --> 00:09:32,949 Holy... 245 00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:43,125 Drop the portal gun. 246 00:09:43,209 --> 00:09:45,211 Slide it to the center of the room. 247 00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:50,132 Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it. 248 00:09:50,216 --> 00:09:51,676 They'll want it at... 249 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:15,658 There's no time to squanch! 250 00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:17,576 Get your family out of here! 251 00:10:17,660 --> 00:10:19,537 I got this. 252 00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:27,128 How about a taste of my squanch?! 253 00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:32,425 Come on, this way! 254 00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:34,218 Squanch this! 255 00:10:42,476 --> 00:10:44,478 Good thing I grabbed a space weapon. 256 00:10:44,562 --> 00:10:46,402 That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot! 257 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,524 - Dad! - Hold on tight! 258 00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,486 Aaah!! 259 00:10:56,324 --> 00:10:58,075 Aaaah!! 260 00:11:00,286 --> 00:11:01,954 Goddamn it! Goddamn it!! 261 00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:10,046 What the hell happened back there?! 262 00:11:10,129 --> 00:11:12,840 This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid. 263 00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:17,887 Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us 264 00:11:17,970 --> 00:11:20,014 about your relationship 265 00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:23,017 with this previously unknown galactic government? 266 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,186 All the important points seem pretty clear, no? 267 00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:27,438 They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. 268 00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,440 Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. 269 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,650 How could you be so dishonest with this family? 270 00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:33,861 Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting 271 00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,255 and loving like, oh, I don't know, 272 00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:38,032 my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, 273 00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,659 who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc? 274 00:11:40,743 --> 00:11:41,911 Hey, Tammy was cool! 275 00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:44,038 - And now we know why. - Because of you! 276 00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:45,956 Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, 277 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:47,833 and fuck me for letting my guard down, 278 00:11:47,917 --> 00:11:49,460 which I will never do again. 279 00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:50,920 Geez, Rick! 280 00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:53,672 You can't say f... "'F' you" to your granddaughter. 281 00:11:53,756 --> 00:11:56,217 I just did, Morty. Here's dessert. Fuck you. 282 00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:57,986 Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. 283 00:11:58,010 --> 00:11:59,762 Actually, the wedding was beautiful. 284 00:11:59,845 --> 00:12:01,045 The reception got out of hand. 285 00:12:01,097 --> 00:12:03,224 Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, 286 00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:05,101 and have a family meeting in the morning. 287 00:12:05,184 --> 00:12:07,228 Yeah, about going home, we can't... ever. 288 00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:08,771 What?! 289 00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:10,207 Oh, these guys are looking for us now. 290 00:12:10,231 --> 00:12:11,607 Earth will be swarming with them. 291 00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:12,733 Us?! 292 00:12:12,817 --> 00:12:14,110 - Jerry... - I want to go home! 293 00:12:14,193 --> 00:12:16,338 Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to. 294 00:12:16,362 --> 00:12:18,197 But here's what's gonna happen. 295 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:19,800 Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. 296 00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:21,665 They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent 297 00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:24,203 of jumper cables under your nuts and or labia 298 00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:26,038 and hook them up to an alien car battery 299 00:12:26,122 --> 00:12:27,623 until you tell them where I am... 300 00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:29,393 Which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, 301 00:12:29,417 --> 00:12:31,377 which I guarantee they won't believe. 302 00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:33,254 So who's homesick? By applause. 303 00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:35,673 Ladies? Anybody? 304 00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:38,509 What are we going to do? Where are we going to live? 305 00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:40,761 Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. 306 00:12:40,845 --> 00:12:42,221 Fuck Earth. 307 00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,184 You realize our planet's name means dirt, right? 308 00:12:44,223 --> 00:12:45,724 We'll find a new world. 309 00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:47,160 Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way 310 00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:49,103 are at least 90% similar to Earth? 311 00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:52,731 765 known planets. 312 00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:55,192 How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? 313 00:12:55,276 --> 00:12:57,528 Three. 314 00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:59,738 See? Our cup runneth over. 315 00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:01,031 Now, who wants to go shopping 316 00:13:01,115 --> 00:13:03,200 for a brand-new motherfucking world?! 317 00:13:03,284 --> 00:13:04,368 All right! 318 00:13:04,452 --> 00:13:06,287 Look at this baby! 319 00:13:06,370 --> 00:13:08,080 Would you even know that wasn't Earth? 320 00:13:08,164 --> 00:13:09,999 Yes, because there's no Africa. 321 00:13:10,082 --> 00:13:12,084 Pssh. White people problems, Morty. 322 00:13:12,168 --> 00:13:14,295 Let's go down and check her out. 323 00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:18,090 Oh. I thought it was further away. 324 00:13:18,174 --> 00:13:20,676 I uh... I guess this one's a little small. 325 00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,136 All right, uh, maybe... 326 00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:24,099 Maybe we should go check out the other two, huh? 327 00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:30,269 Okay, this one's bigger. 328 00:13:33,105 --> 00:13:34,315 This looks nice. 329 00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,900 Mom, Dad, look! 330 00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,651 Strawberries on a cob! 331 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,863 Whoa! Hey, check this out! 332 00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,615 Flowers on a cob! 333 00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:45,951 Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? 334 00:13:46,035 --> 00:13:47,244 That's pretty cool. 335 00:13:47,328 --> 00:13:49,830 Are those... mountains on a cob? 336 00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:54,335 Oh, my god. 337 00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:00,466 Get in the ship, sweetie. - What? 338 00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:01,800 Get in the goddamn ship!! 339 00:14:01,884 --> 00:14:03,135 Everything's on a cob!! 340 00:14:03,219 --> 00:14:05,763 The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!! 341 00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:11,060 All right, third time's the charm. 342 00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:12,144 See what we got here. 343 00:14:15,481 --> 00:14:16,982 Seems good. 344 00:14:17,066 --> 00:14:18,442 And nothing on the cob. 345 00:14:18,526 --> 00:14:20,277 Didn't know that was a necessity, but... 346 00:14:20,361 --> 00:14:22,446 No, it's nice. I think this might be it. 347 00:14:22,530 --> 00:14:24,281 Wow! Hey, look, you guys. 348 00:14:24,365 --> 00:14:26,116 The sun's rising. 349 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,827 Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!! 350 00:14:31,163 --> 00:14:33,874 Uh, Dad, how long are the days on this planet? 351 00:14:33,958 --> 00:14:36,210 Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet? 352 00:14:37,503 --> 00:14:39,630 42 hours. 353 00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,757 All right, well, those are the two choices, 354 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,676 'cause cob planet is off the table. 355 00:14:43,759 --> 00:14:44,885 Now let's take a vote. 356 00:14:44,969 --> 00:14:46,554 Well, it's official. 357 00:14:46,804 --> 00:14:48,681 The obscure planet known as Earth, 358 00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:51,517 formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist 359 00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:53,519 and fugitive Rick Sanchez, 360 00:14:53,769 --> 00:14:56,730 has just become the 6, 048th planet 361 00:14:56,814 --> 00:14:58,399 to join the Galactic Federation. 362 00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:00,568 The plucky little ball of water and dirt, 363 00:15:00,818 --> 00:15:02,319 which is where it gets its name, 364 00:15:02,403 --> 00:15:06,073 is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives 365 00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:10,119 who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos. 366 00:15:10,202 --> 00:15:12,997 Spaghetti, kangaroos? I've gotta check this place out. 367 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,833 Well, you can. 368 00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:18,085 Contact the Ministry of Tourism for details. 369 00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:20,254 Up next, teenagers are calling it 370 00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,258 And it's not what you think. 371 00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:25,735 What are you... What did you do that for? 372 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:27,052 Dramatic effect. 373 00:15:27,136 --> 00:15:29,680 Good morning, family. Oh, do I smell bacon? 374 00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,682 Yes, we discovered a species of tiny pig 375 00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:33,809 off the coast of New Australia 376 00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:36,061 about 30 yards east. - Or 300 yards west. 377 00:15:36,145 --> 00:15:37,438 We'd offer you some, 378 00:15:37,521 --> 00:15:39,857 but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast. 379 00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:41,692 Well, I thought I'd walk to the South Pole 380 00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:43,527 and do a little bit of exploring. 381 00:15:43,611 --> 00:15:45,029 If you guys need me, just yell 382 00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:46,280 or throw something so hard 383 00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:48,003 that it goes around the world and hits me. 384 00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:49,633 Okay, now that he's gone, 385 00:15:49,658 --> 00:15:52,077 can we please talk about our situation? 386 00:15:52,161 --> 00:15:54,163 Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. 387 00:15:54,246 --> 00:15:55,581 You know, it's a small world. 388 00:15:55,831 --> 00:15:57,166 Please, he's in the South Pole! 389 00:15:57,249 --> 00:15:59,627 And we need to have a serious conversation. 390 00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,932 South Pole discovered, baby! 391 00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:15,768 Ohhhh! 392 00:16:15,851 --> 00:16:17,728 Oh fuck! An ice cave? 393 00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,021 Shit! 394 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,732 Things just keep on getting better. 395 00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:24,109 Wow, it's the planet's core. 396 00:16:24,193 --> 00:16:25,736 I'm just saying, 397 00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,905 we keep acting like there's only two options, 398 00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,323 but there's not. 399 00:16:29,406 --> 00:16:31,200 So, yes, if we went back to Earth, 400 00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:33,786 as long as Rick was out there, they'd wanna interrogate us. 401 00:16:33,869 --> 00:16:35,996 But, and this is purely hypothetical, 402 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,499 what if we turned your father in to the government? 403 00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:39,750 Jerry, so help me god, 404 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,794 if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon. 405 00:16:41,877 --> 00:16:43,420 There already is no more bacon! 406 00:16:43,504 --> 00:16:45,923 This world sucks! Our life sucks! 407 00:16:46,006 --> 00:16:47,758 Why are we doing this for someone 408 00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:51,303 that would never do anything for anyone but himself? 409 00:16:51,387 --> 00:16:53,055 That's not the point, Dad! 410 00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:56,058 We love Rick... f-for the most part. 411 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,286 Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, 412 00:16:58,310 --> 00:17:00,354 Dad, you love them unconditionally. 413 00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:02,398 That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. 414 00:17:02,481 --> 00:17:04,108 Okay, so let me get this straight. 415 00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:05,359 For the rest of your lives, 416 00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:07,069 no matter how much it hurts you, 417 00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:09,279 no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, 418 00:17:09,363 --> 00:17:12,074 we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? 419 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:13,951 - Yes. - Why?! 420 00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:16,620 Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!! 421 00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:28,132 Hey. Uh... 422 00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,551 I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system, 423 00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:32,052 get some ice cream. 424 00:17:32,136 --> 00:17:33,721 You... You want me to come with? 425 00:17:33,971 --> 00:17:36,390 Don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something? 426 00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:38,559 I'll be okay. Bye, Morty. 427 00:17:38,642 --> 00:17:40,269 Rick? 428 00:17:40,352 --> 00:17:42,104 You're not leaving, right? 429 00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:44,022 Yeah, I am. To get ice cream. 430 00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:45,649 So, you're coming back? 431 00:17:45,733 --> 00:17:47,943 Morty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream 432 00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:49,194 and then you don't come back, 433 00:17:49,278 --> 00:17:50,863 you haven't actually gotten ice cream, 434 00:17:50,946 --> 00:17:53,115 you've just gone where ice cream is. 435 00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:55,242 Rick, I can handle it if you go, 436 00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:57,161 but you'll break Mom's heart. 437 00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:58,871 And I won't forgive you for that. 438 00:17:58,954 --> 00:18:01,248 Where's the van, Morty? 439 00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:04,168 It's over the horizon in the driveway. 440 00:18:15,387 --> 00:18:20,976 ♪ I hurt myself today ♪ 441 00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:25,773 For English, press 2. 442 00:18:26,023 --> 00:18:27,608 Connecting to agent. 443 00:18:27,691 --> 00:18:29,443 Ongoing investigations. 444 00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:32,613 Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth. 445 00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:34,990 I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, 446 00:18:35,073 --> 00:18:36,325 the wanted criminal. 447 00:18:36,408 --> 00:18:37,618 Hold on! 448 00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,119 This is Special Agent Gribbles. 449 00:18:39,203 --> 00:18:40,537 You have a tip about Rick Sanchez? 450 00:18:40,621 --> 00:18:42,623 Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, 451 00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:44,625 and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. 452 00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:47,461 He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern. 453 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,296 And listen. - Yes? 454 00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:51,357 I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, 455 00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:55,219 so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life? 456 00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:57,888 We only want Sanchez, sir. Your family will be fine. 457 00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,473 Nice. Thank you. 458 00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:01,183 I'm Jerry Smith, 459 00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:04,144 and I love sucking big, sweaty boners 460 00:19:04,228 --> 00:19:08,440 and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks. 461 00:19:08,524 --> 00:19:10,526 Uh... okay. 462 00:19:11,652 --> 00:19:17,574 ♪ What have I become ♪ 463 00:19:17,658 --> 00:19:22,496 ♪ My sweetest friend ♪ 464 00:19:23,539 --> 00:19:28,252 ♪ Everyone I know ♪ 465 00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:34,508 ♪ Goes away in the end ♪ 466 00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:36,218 ♪ You could have it all ♪ 467 00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:40,639 - He's not coming back, is he? - No. 468 00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:42,933 ♪ My empire of dirt ♪ 469 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:46,019 Hey, look, cops. 470 00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:52,776 ♪ I will let you down ♪ - Good morning. 471 00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:58,240 ♪ I will make you hurt ♪ 472 00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:04,454 How long will you be visiting Earth? 473 00:20:04,538 --> 00:20:05,831 Oh, we live here. 474 00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,208 We were just off-planet for a wedding. 475 00:20:08,292 --> 00:20:09,543 Go that way. 476 00:20:30,522 --> 00:20:32,566 I have processed that you are in in distress 477 00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:34,735 and have proscribed antidepressants. 478 00:20:34,818 --> 00:20:37,279 Compliments of the Galactic Federation. 479 00:20:37,362 --> 00:20:38,447 I feel better. 480 00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:40,198 Your debt is 7,000 Fed credits. 481 00:20:40,282 --> 00:20:41,992 Report to the Ministry of Employment 482 00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:44,328 and you will be assigned a function. 483 00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:47,789 Honey! I got a job! 484 00:20:47,873 --> 00:20:50,334 ♪ You could have it all ♪ 485 00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:53,879 Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot. 486 00:20:53,962 --> 00:20:59,468 ♪ My empire of dirt ♪ 487 00:20:59,551 --> 00:21:05,474 ♪ I will let you down ♪ 488 00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:09,853 ♪ I will make you hurt ♪ 489 00:21:14,858 --> 00:21:16,777 Hey, what are you in for? 490 00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:19,488 Everything. 491 00:21:24,493 --> 00:21:26,870 ♪♪ 492 00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:57,275 Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. 493 00:21:57,359 --> 00:21:58,944 Oh, boy, oh, my! 494 00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:01,363 That's a real crazy ending, huh? 495 00:22:01,446 --> 00:22:04,950 Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. 496 00:22:05,033 --> 00:22:06,827 As you can see, 497 00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:08,829 I'm still recovering from the bullet shot 498 00:22:08,912 --> 00:22:10,831 that I got from Beth. 499 00:22:10,914 --> 00:22:12,916 Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! 500 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,960 Come and get it, kitty. 501 00:22:15,210 --> 00:22:17,671 You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. 502 00:22:18,755 --> 00:22:20,424 Ooh-whee. 503 00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,426 Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. 504 00:22:25,262 --> 00:22:27,264 I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks. 505 00:22:27,347 --> 00:22:29,766 Hey, what did you think of that finale, huh? 506 00:22:29,850 --> 00:22:32,602 Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay? 507 00:22:32,686 --> 00:22:34,163 Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bro. 508 00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:35,856 Your total is $12.37. 509 00:22:35,939 --> 00:22:37,917 Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out off jail? 510 00:22:37,941 --> 00:22:39,877 Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him? 511 00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:41,501 Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! 512 00:22:43,655 --> 00:22:44,865 Ow! 513 00:22:44,948 --> 00:22:46,509 Tune in to "Rick and Morty" season three in, 514 00:22:46,533 --> 00:22:48,577 like, a year and a half... 515 00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:52,247 or longer to see how we unravel this mess. 516 00:22:52,330 --> 00:22:53,498 Ooh-Whee! 517 00:22:53,582 --> 00:22:55,000 Oh, my god! 518 00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:56,501 Did you get any of that? 519 00:22:56,585 --> 00:22:58,545 It's-a good-a show!