1 00:00:05,700 --> 00:00:08,303 Captioning made possible by comedy central 2 00:00:08,338 --> 00:00:10,055 I'm going down to south park 3 00:00:10,090 --> 00:00:11,773 Gonna have myself a time 4 00:00:12,207 --> 00:00:13,473 Friendly faces everywhere 5 00:00:13,508 --> 00:00:15,243 Humble folks without temptation 6 00:00:15,278 --> 00:00:16,995 Going down to south park 7 00:00:17,030 --> 00:00:18,522 Gonna leave my woes behind 8 00:00:18,557 --> 00:00:20,015 Ample parking day or night 9 00:00:20,449 --> 00:00:21,750 People spouting "howdy neighbor" 10 00:00:21,785 --> 00:00:23,502 Headin' on up to south park 11 00:00:23,537 --> 00:00:25,220 Gonna see if i can't unwind 12 00:00:28,256 --> 00:00:29,558 So come on down to south park 13 00:00:29,991 --> 00:00:31,726 And meet some friends of mine 14 00:00:36,331 --> 00:00:37,632 Okay, carol, put the card you picked 15 00:00:38,066 --> 00:00:39,801 Back into the deck so i can't see it. 16 00:00:39,836 --> 00:00:41,103 What's going on? 17 00:00:41,536 --> 00:00:43,705 This fellow, david blaine, he's doing magic tricks. 18 00:00:43,740 --> 00:00:45,405 Hey, where'd you get that ice cream? 19 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:47,175 Okay, now hold this card up to the crowd. 20 00:00:47,609 --> 00:00:48,477 Was that the card you picked? 21 00:00:48,512 --> 00:00:49,344 No, i'm sorry, 22 00:00:49,778 --> 00:00:50,862 I picked the four of hearts. 23 00:00:50,897 --> 00:00:51,947 Four of hearts, really? 24 00:00:52,380 --> 00:00:52,814 Look again. 25 00:00:52,849 --> 00:00:54,081 Aah! 26 00:00:54,116 --> 00:00:55,816 Whoa! 27 00:00:55,851 --> 00:00:56,718 That's pretty cool, dude. 28 00:00:57,152 --> 00:00:58,418 Who's this asshole? 29 00:00:58,453 --> 00:01:00,188 He's a magician named david blaine, dude, he kicks ass. 30 00:01:00,223 --> 00:01:01,490 Where'd you guys get that ice cream? 31 00:01:01,525 --> 00:01:02,791 Sir, could you come over here? 32 00:01:03,225 --> 00:01:04,526 Now, what i want you to do, mr.- 33 00:01:04,561 --> 00:01:05,827 Kern. 34 00:01:06,261 --> 00:01:07,996 Mr. Kern, i want you to just think about a card. 35 00:01:08,031 --> 00:01:10,599 Pick any card and picture it in your mind. 36 00:01:10,634 --> 00:01:11,865 Okay. 37 00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:14,069 Okay, just, just think about your card. 38 00:01:14,503 --> 00:01:16,671 Okay, look at me. 39 00:01:17,105 --> 00:01:19,708 Look at me. 40 00:01:20,142 --> 00:01:21,408 Look at me. 41 00:01:21,443 --> 00:01:22,744 Okay, now reach up your ass. 42 00:01:23,178 --> 00:01:24,010 Huh? 43 00:01:24,045 --> 00:01:26,214 Go on, reach up your ass. 44 00:01:26,249 --> 00:01:28,383 I don't feel nothing. 45 00:01:28,418 --> 00:01:29,216 Deeper. 46 00:01:29,251 --> 00:01:30,986 I don't feel- 47 00:01:31,419 --> 00:01:33,120 Wait, wait. 48 00:01:33,155 --> 00:01:34,890 Was that the card you picked? 49 00:01:34,925 --> 00:01:36,191 Yes, oh my god! 50 00:01:36,625 --> 00:01:37,457 Oh ho! 51 00:01:37,492 --> 00:01:38,360 Wow, that's cool. 52 00:01:38,793 --> 00:01:39,227 How'd he do that? 53 00:01:39,661 --> 00:01:40,529 Thank you. 54 00:01:40,962 --> 00:01:42,697 I've been traveling from town to town for quite a while. 55 00:01:43,131 --> 00:01:44,397 I've started quite a following 56 00:01:44,432 --> 00:01:47,469 Mostly because of my levitation trick. 57 00:01:47,504 --> 00:01:50,939 Watch. 58 00:01:53,108 --> 00:01:53,940 Oh! 59 00:01:53,975 --> 00:01:55,675 No way! 60 00:01:55,710 --> 00:01:57,879 Damn, that guy is the coolest guy in the universe. 61 00:01:57,914 --> 00:01:59,146 Pamphlet, pamphlet! 62 00:01:59,181 --> 00:02:00,916 Here you go, kids, take a pamphlet. 63 00:02:00,951 --> 00:02:02,182 "David blaine workshop." 64 00:02:02,217 --> 00:02:04,819 "Learn all about david blaine at the center for magic." 65 00:02:04,854 --> 00:02:06,121 Dude, we gotta go. 66 00:02:06,555 --> 00:02:09,157 Yeah, they probably teach you how to do magic tricks! 67 00:02:10,025 --> 00:02:11,326 Hello everyone. 68 00:02:11,361 --> 00:02:12,592 My name is steven, 69 00:02:12,627 --> 00:02:14,761 And i've been a blainetologist for about three years. 70 00:02:14,796 --> 00:02:17,399 So when david blaine performed his miracles out on the street, 71 00:02:17,832 --> 00:02:19,568 What moved you the most? 72 00:02:19,603 --> 00:02:20,834 His miracles? 73 00:02:20,869 --> 00:02:24,339 Oh yes, you see, david blaine is much more than a magician. 74 00:02:24,374 --> 00:02:26,308 He's a scholar, a visionary, a leader. 75 00:02:26,343 --> 00:02:28,243 When are we gonna learn magic tricks? 76 00:02:28,278 --> 00:02:29,075 Yeah. 77 00:02:29,110 --> 00:02:30,412 Oh, i've got a trick for you to learn. 78 00:02:30,845 --> 00:02:33,448 I can show you how to make your true self appear. 79 00:02:33,483 --> 00:02:35,148 Let me ask you all something. 80 00:02:35,183 --> 00:02:38,653 Do you consider yourselves to be happy? 81 00:02:38,688 --> 00:02:39,920 I don't think i'm very happy. 82 00:02:39,955 --> 00:02:43,425 I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams. 83 00:02:43,858 --> 00:02:45,125 Right. 84 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:46,860 See, the reason that you are- 85 00:02:46,895 --> 00:02:48,630 And then i always get woken up in the morning 86 00:02:48,665 --> 00:02:50,365 By the sound of my own screams. 87 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:51,666 Do you think i'm unhappy? 88 00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:54,668 The, thepointis, that you can be happy. 89 00:02:54,703 --> 00:02:56,871 You see, your friends and parents have programmed you 90 00:02:56,906 --> 00:02:59,439 In a way that makes you feel isolated and alone. 91 00:02:59,474 --> 00:03:04,246 How many times have you felt like nobody knows the real you? 92 00:03:04,281 --> 00:03:05,946 You're not really happy. 93 00:03:05,981 --> 00:03:07,247 I'm not really happy. 94 00:03:07,282 --> 00:03:09,416 Your potential hasn't even been reached. 95 00:03:09,451 --> 00:03:11,151 My potential hasn't even been reached. 96 00:03:11,186 --> 00:03:13,355 If you look through david blaine's incredible book, 97 00:03:13,390 --> 00:03:15,055 You'll find a lot of life's answers. 98 00:03:15,090 --> 00:03:16,391 Let's read some of the book together, shall we? 99 00:03:16,825 --> 00:03:18,560 Then we get to be in david blaine's secret club? 100 00:03:18,595 --> 00:03:20,729 That's right. Cool. 101 00:03:21,162 --> 00:03:23,765 Ike, eat your gefilte fish. 102 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:24,633 No. 103 00:03:25,066 --> 00:03:26,333 Mom, mom, i found out all about 104 00:03:26,368 --> 00:03:28,103 This great new magician named david blaine. 105 00:03:28,138 --> 00:03:29,838 That's nice kyle, ike, eat! 106 00:03:29,873 --> 00:03:31,104 We spent all afternoon 107 00:03:31,139 --> 00:03:33,091 Learning about how we aren't actually happy. 108 00:03:33,126 --> 00:03:35,043 I had no idea how unhappy i was until today. 109 00:03:35,078 --> 00:03:36,344 They gave me this school book to read 110 00:03:36,379 --> 00:03:38,044 And i'm already on chapter four. 111 00:03:38,079 --> 00:03:39,814 Well, it's nice to see you so interested in something, kyle. 112 00:03:39,849 --> 00:03:41,983 Ike, for the love of abraham, you are gonna eat this! 113 00:03:42,018 --> 00:03:43,285 So, can i go to the magic camp 114 00:03:43,718 --> 00:03:45,020 To learn how to become a full member? 115 00:03:45,055 --> 00:03:46,321 All the other guys are doing it. 116 00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:47,622 And it's only $69.95. 117 00:03:47,657 --> 00:03:48,888 Magic camp? 118 00:03:48,923 --> 00:03:50,225 I don't know, booby, ask your father. 119 00:03:50,260 --> 00:03:52,827 Ike, you will eat this! 120 00:03:54,129 --> 00:03:57,599 Prepare to be cleansed and release the magic inside you. 121 00:03:57,634 --> 00:04:00,166 I am prepared. 122 00:04:00,201 --> 00:04:03,672 Huh, geez, it sure got cold in here. 123 00:04:03,707 --> 00:04:05,372 Next. 124 00:04:05,407 --> 00:04:07,575 Congratulations, young blainetologists. 125 00:04:08,009 --> 00:04:10,143 From this day, you are clean. 126 00:04:10,178 --> 00:04:12,312 Now, we have very important work to do. 127 00:04:12,347 --> 00:04:14,949 David blaine is going to put on a big magic show 128 00:04:14,984 --> 00:04:16,216 In denver tomorrow night. 129 00:04:16,251 --> 00:04:19,287 Where he's going to eat his own head. 130 00:04:19,322 --> 00:04:20,155 Wow! 131 00:04:20,588 --> 00:04:22,323 So it's up to all you new blainetologists 132 00:04:22,358 --> 00:04:24,059 To get as many people there as you can. 133 00:04:24,492 --> 00:04:27,494 Whoever gets the most people to come, gets a prize. 134 00:04:27,529 --> 00:04:30,565 Kyle, i'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea. 135 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:31,866 Hey, i'm not kyle, i'm butters. 136 00:04:31,901 --> 00:04:32,734 I thought you were kyle. 137 00:04:32,769 --> 00:04:34,000 No, i'm stan. 138 00:04:34,035 --> 00:04:34,469 You're stan? Where's kenny? 139 00:04:34,903 --> 00:04:36,169 Who are you? I'm kyle. 140 00:04:36,204 --> 00:04:37,939 Heh heh, guess who i am, you guys. 141 00:04:38,373 --> 00:04:40,108 Kyle, i think we may have gotten into something bad here. 142 00:04:40,143 --> 00:04:40,940 What do you mean? 143 00:04:40,975 --> 00:04:42,277 We're learning all kinds of cool stuff. 144 00:04:42,312 --> 00:04:43,543 Look at us, dude. 145 00:04:43,578 --> 00:04:44,879 These people are trying to change us somehow. 146 00:04:44,914 --> 00:04:47,013 I think it's time we went home. 147 00:04:47,048 --> 00:04:48,783 But david blaine is going to do more miracles in denver tomorrow. 148 00:04:48,818 --> 00:04:50,952 I don't care, i'm leaving! 149 00:04:52,687 --> 00:04:53,520 Excuse me. 150 00:04:53,555 --> 00:04:54,422 Where are you going? 151 00:04:54,856 --> 00:04:55,689 I'm going home. 152 00:04:55,724 --> 00:04:56,990 You don't want to go home. 153 00:04:57,025 --> 00:04:59,194 You said we're free to leave whenever we want. 154 00:04:59,229 --> 00:05:00,061 You are. 155 00:05:00,495 --> 00:05:01,363 Then move out of the way. 156 00:05:01,398 --> 00:05:02,664 I'm not in your way. 157 00:05:02,699 --> 00:05:03,531 You are. 158 00:05:03,965 --> 00:05:05,700 Are you unhappy with the church's teachings? 159 00:05:05,735 --> 00:05:07,400 Let's just talk about it. 160 00:05:07,435 --> 00:05:09,569 I don't wanna talk about it, i just wanna leave. 161 00:05:09,604 --> 00:05:12,640 Why don't we go into the back room for a second and talk, 162 00:05:12,675 --> 00:05:13,907 Then you can leave. 163 00:05:13,942 --> 00:05:15,677 That's okay, i changed my mind. 164 00:05:15,712 --> 00:05:17,212 I'm gonna stay. 165 00:05:17,247 --> 00:05:18,713 That's great news. 166 00:05:22,183 --> 00:05:23,050 Okay, it's all clear. 167 00:05:23,085 --> 00:05:23,883 What are we doing? 168 00:05:23,918 --> 00:05:25,185 We're getting out of here. 169 00:05:25,220 --> 00:05:26,521 This whole thing has gotten way out of hand. 170 00:05:26,556 --> 00:05:27,822 Whoa, whoa, i'm not going anywhere. 171 00:05:27,857 --> 00:05:28,690 Come on kyle, this is stupid. 172 00:05:29,124 --> 00:05:29,991 It's not stupid, stan. 173 00:05:30,425 --> 00:05:32,160 For once in my life, i feel like i'm part of something. 174 00:05:32,195 --> 00:05:33,426 A part of what? 175 00:05:33,461 --> 00:05:34,763 Some gay-Wad magician's crazy life plan? 176 00:05:34,798 --> 00:05:36,064 Don't call mr. Blaine a "gay wad", 177 00:05:36,099 --> 00:05:37,330 He's a brilliant man. 178 00:05:37,365 --> 00:05:39,100 No, they just convinced you that he's a brilliant man! 179 00:05:39,135 --> 00:05:40,367 Let's go! Going anywhere. 180 00:05:40,402 --> 00:05:41,703 Goddamn it, i'm not going with you! 181 00:05:41,738 --> 00:05:42,535 I wanna stay here! 182 00:05:42,570 --> 00:05:43,872 Huh? I thought you wanted to leave. 183 00:05:43,907 --> 00:05:45,173 Oh wait, who am i again? 184 00:05:45,208 --> 00:05:46,005 You're stan. 185 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:47,342 Oh yeah - God damn it- 186 00:05:47,776 --> 00:05:48,608 Hold on a second. 187 00:05:48,643 --> 00:05:49,944 Okay, look dude, i'm getting out of here. 188 00:05:50,378 --> 00:05:51,679 And you're a dumb ass if you don't come with me. 189 00:05:51,714 --> 00:05:54,282 Then i guess i'm a dumb ass. 190 00:05:56,451 --> 00:05:57,717 Kyle, please. 191 00:05:57,752 --> 00:06:01,187 You-You're my best friend. 192 00:06:01,222 --> 00:06:03,825 Well, this is what i believe in now, stan, 193 00:06:03,860 --> 00:06:05,525 And if you can't respect that, 194 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:09,030 Then i guess we're not best friends anymore. 195 00:06:19,707 --> 00:06:20,540 Hello ma'am. 196 00:06:20,575 --> 00:06:22,275 My name is kyle and this is cartman. 197 00:06:22,310 --> 00:06:24,479 We'd like to share our interest in david blaine with you. 198 00:06:24,514 --> 00:06:27,515 Uh-Oh, my husband warned me about you "blaine-Iacs". 199 00:06:27,550 --> 00:06:29,250 I'm sorry, but i'm a catholic. 200 00:06:29,684 --> 00:06:30,985 It doesn't matter, ma'am. 201 00:06:31,020 --> 00:06:32,287 Blainetology is for everyone. 202 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,456 There are blainetologists who are catholic, buddhist, 203 00:06:34,491 --> 00:06:36,191 Why, even kyle here is a god damn jew. 204 00:06:36,226 --> 00:06:37,457 That's right. 205 00:06:37,492 --> 00:06:38,793 So you're not a cult? 206 00:06:38,828 --> 00:06:40,493 A cult, no. 207 00:06:40,528 --> 00:06:42,228 David blaine is a real person. 208 00:06:42,263 --> 00:06:44,866 You may have seen his television specials onabc. 209 00:06:44,901 --> 00:06:46,132 He also wrote a book 210 00:06:46,167 --> 00:06:47,035 And we'd like to share it with you. 211 00:06:47,070 --> 00:06:48,770 Well, all right, come on in. 212 00:06:48,805 --> 00:06:50,036 Okay. 213 00:06:50,071 --> 00:06:52,205 And if you look here, you can see how david blaine 214 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,409 Performed the miracle of being frozen in ice at times square. 215 00:06:54,444 --> 00:06:55,675 Ma'am, have you ever wondered 216 00:06:55,710 --> 00:06:57,445 What david blaine's plan is for you? 217 00:06:57,879 --> 00:06:58,711 No, not really. 218 00:06:58,746 --> 00:07:00,447 Hey, you see, that's interesting, 219 00:07:00,482 --> 00:07:02,182 Because i'm so thankful for david blaine's book. 220 00:07:02,217 --> 00:07:04,819 And i'm so thankful that he showed me the way to true happiness. 221 00:07:05,253 --> 00:07:06,519 But i think about his plan often- 222 00:07:06,554 --> 00:07:07,856 David blaine is doing a big performance 223 00:07:08,289 --> 00:07:09,556 In denver tomorrow night. 224 00:07:09,591 --> 00:07:10,892 We're sure his magic will entertain and astound you. 225 00:07:11,326 --> 00:07:12,193 He's going to eat his own head. 226 00:07:12,627 --> 00:07:13,928 How many tickets can we put you down for? 227 00:07:13,963 --> 00:07:15,195 Oh, i can't go. 228 00:07:15,230 --> 00:07:16,965 Oh, come on, it will make you a happy person. 229 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:17,633 I am happy. 230 00:07:17,668 --> 00:07:18,266 No, you're not. 231 00:07:18,301 --> 00:07:19,098 Yes, i am. 232 00:07:19,133 --> 00:07:19,784 No, you're not. 233 00:07:19,819 --> 00:07:20,435 I really am. 234 00:07:20,869 --> 00:07:21,302 No, you're not. 235 00:07:21,337 --> 00:07:22,135 But i am. 236 00:07:22,170 --> 00:07:22,569 No, you're not. 237 00:07:22,604 --> 00:07:23,471 All right, two tickets. 238 00:07:23,905 --> 00:07:24,339 Great. 239 00:07:24,772 --> 00:07:26,039 That's 15 people we got to agree 240 00:07:26,074 --> 00:07:27,592 To come see david blaine perform in denver. 241 00:07:27,627 --> 00:07:29,110 Yes, brother kyle, but our work is not over. 242 00:07:29,544 --> 00:07:31,279 We must still recruit ten more audience members 243 00:07:31,314 --> 00:07:32,111 In order to get the prize. 244 00:07:32,146 --> 00:07:33,448 I think if we try kenny's neighborhood, 245 00:07:33,483 --> 00:07:36,015 We might find that- 246 00:07:36,050 --> 00:07:39,521 Come brother kyle, we have no time for him. 247 00:07:52,967 --> 00:07:54,234 Aah! 248 00:07:54,269 --> 00:07:57,739 You better watch yourself next time, abandoner! 249 00:08:00,341 --> 00:08:01,608 Hi jesus, it's me- 250 00:08:01,643 --> 00:08:02,909 Stan marsh. Stan marsh. 251 00:08:02,944 --> 00:08:04,679 Of course, i know you, my child, come in. 252 00:08:04,714 --> 00:08:06,414 This guy is going around, doing magic tricks 253 00:08:06,449 --> 00:08:07,715 And saying they're miracles. 254 00:08:08,149 --> 00:08:08,982 My friend kyle thinks he's totally awesome. 255 00:08:09,017 --> 00:08:10,752 You are good to bring this to my attention, stan. 256 00:08:10,787 --> 00:08:12,452 Cults are a very dangerous thing. 257 00:08:12,487 --> 00:08:14,621 I read in the bible that you perform miracles too. 258 00:08:14,656 --> 00:08:16,824 If you could go in front of these people and do your miracles, 259 00:08:17,258 --> 00:08:18,958 They'll all see that david blaine isn't so special. 260 00:08:18,993 --> 00:08:21,596 The miracle i'm most famous for is turning water into wine. 261 00:08:21,631 --> 00:08:22,862 Can you do it again? 262 00:08:22,897 --> 00:08:25,066 Very well, i shall perform the miracle. 263 00:08:25,101 --> 00:08:27,235 Behold, here you can see ordinary water. 264 00:08:27,669 --> 00:08:28,501 Clear, clean. 265 00:08:28,536 --> 00:08:31,138 Okay, now turn around. 266 00:08:31,173 --> 00:08:33,741 Turn-Turn around. 267 00:08:35,476 --> 00:08:37,211 Okay, now turn back. 268 00:08:37,645 --> 00:08:39,597 It is now wine! 269 00:08:39,632 --> 00:08:41,514 That's it? 270 00:08:41,549 --> 00:08:42,850 That's how you did that trick? 271 00:08:42,885 --> 00:08:44,117 Well, yeah. 272 00:08:44,152 --> 00:08:46,286 That trick sucks, jesus. 273 00:08:46,321 --> 00:08:49,357 Oh, i guess it worked a little better on people 2,000 years ago. 274 00:08:49,392 --> 00:08:50,623 Dude, we have to do something. 275 00:08:50,658 --> 00:08:52,393 This guy is performing more miracles in denver tonight. 276 00:08:52,428 --> 00:08:53,695 He's gonna get more followers 277 00:08:54,128 --> 00:08:54,996 And it will be impossible for me to get kyle out. 278 00:08:55,430 --> 00:08:56,262 Then let's go. 279 00:08:56,297 --> 00:08:57,599 But dude, i don't think you should do 280 00:08:57,634 --> 00:08:58,900 That lame water to wine trick. 281 00:08:58,935 --> 00:09:00,166 Oh, don't worry. 282 00:09:00,201 --> 00:09:02,370 I have a few more miracles up my sleeve. 283 00:09:04,105 --> 00:09:05,406 This is a really good turnout. 284 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:07,141 And now, ladies and gentlemen, 285 00:09:07,176 --> 00:09:08,876 David blaine! 286 00:09:10,178 --> 00:09:11,878 Hello, my children. 287 00:09:11,913 --> 00:09:15,600 Ladies and gentlemen, may we have silence please 288 00:09:15,635 --> 00:09:19,287 As magician david blaine will now eat his own head. 289 00:09:30,565 --> 00:09:32,734 Dude, no way. 290 00:09:37,939 --> 00:09:39,639 Thank you, everyone. 291 00:09:39,674 --> 00:09:41,808 Our organization grows larger every day. 292 00:09:41,843 --> 00:09:43,578 Soon the government will even have to give us 293 00:09:44,012 --> 00:09:46,180 Tax-Exempt status as a bona fide religion. 294 00:09:46,215 --> 00:09:47,048 Hold! 295 00:09:47,482 --> 00:09:48,748 It's jesus! 296 00:09:48,783 --> 00:09:50,084 What's he doing here? 297 00:09:50,518 --> 00:09:51,351 My children 298 00:09:51,386 --> 00:09:53,086 It is time for you to go home 299 00:09:53,121 --> 00:09:55,254 And stop following this false prophet. 300 00:09:55,289 --> 00:09:57,892 You should be using your money and time for other things. 301 00:09:57,927 --> 00:09:59,627 These are simple magic tricks. 302 00:10:00,061 --> 00:10:01,327 His magic is interesting, 303 00:10:01,362 --> 00:10:02,664 But will it put food on your table? 304 00:10:03,097 --> 00:10:06,099 Feeding the hungry- Now,thatis a miracle. 305 00:10:06,134 --> 00:10:09,604 Behold, i have here five loaves of bread and three fish, 306 00:10:10,038 --> 00:10:11,773 Certainly not enough to feed this entire crowd. 307 00:10:12,206 --> 00:10:15,243 But now, turn around. 308 00:10:15,278 --> 00:10:17,845 Turn around. 309 00:10:22,617 --> 00:10:24,352 Okay, now turn back. 310 00:10:26,954 --> 00:10:29,557 Now, how the hell did he do that? 311 00:10:32,593 --> 00:10:34,293 Wow! 312 00:10:34,328 --> 00:10:36,497 Your magic is old and outdated, jesus. 313 00:10:36,532 --> 00:10:37,799 Just like you are. 314 00:10:37,834 --> 00:10:39,065 Oh, really? 315 00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:42,136 Then what's this ace of spades doing behind your ear? 316 00:10:53,414 --> 00:10:54,715 Jesus christ! 317 00:10:54,750 --> 00:10:56,017 He's incredible. 318 00:10:56,451 --> 00:10:58,151 The old religions have failed you. 319 00:10:58,186 --> 00:11:02,090 What have they offered except for war, poverty and sadness? 320 00:11:02,125 --> 00:11:04,692 Blainetology offers you the key to living your life 321 00:11:04,727 --> 00:11:06,011 To the fullest. 322 00:11:06,046 --> 00:11:07,295 Will you join us? 323 00:11:07,729 --> 00:11:08,995 Yes! 324 00:11:09,030 --> 00:11:10,548 His magic is too powerful, stanley. 325 00:11:10,583 --> 00:11:12,066 I've never seen anything like it. 326 00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:13,801 Then, what are we gonna do? 327 00:11:13,836 --> 00:11:15,068 I cannot face him alone. 328 00:11:15,103 --> 00:11:17,705 We must get the help of all the super best friends. 329 00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:19,006 Buddha! Buddha, come in! 330 00:11:19,041 --> 00:11:19,874 Super best friends? 331 00:11:20,308 --> 00:11:21,609 This is buddha, jesus, go ahead. 332 00:11:21,644 --> 00:11:22,875 Buddha, we may have a problem. 333 00:11:22,910 --> 00:11:25,079 I've just encountered a magic i've never seen before. 334 00:11:25,114 --> 00:11:26,814 I'll call everyone together. 335 00:11:26,849 --> 00:11:28,081 Come as fast as you can. 336 00:11:28,116 --> 00:11:30,718 Come stanley, we must travel far and long. 337 00:11:30,753 --> 00:11:31,551 To where? 338 00:11:31,586 --> 00:11:33,755 Distances unfathomable to man. 339 00:11:34,188 --> 00:11:35,923 Yea, take hold of my robe, stanley. 340 00:11:36,357 --> 00:11:37,658 And do not open your eyes. 341 00:11:38,092 --> 00:11:39,358 I am ready. 342 00:11:39,393 --> 00:11:41,129 Are you still keeping your eyes closed? 343 00:11:41,164 --> 00:11:42,395 Yeah. 344 00:11:42,430 --> 00:11:45,032 Good, want some peanuts? 345 00:11:45,466 --> 00:11:47,166 Congratulations, sister. 346 00:11:47,201 --> 00:11:48,719 You have learned the noble truth 347 00:11:48,754 --> 00:11:50,238 And are now a blainetologist. 348 00:11:50,671 --> 00:11:51,504 Everyone! 349 00:11:51,539 --> 00:11:52,406 Everyone gather around. 350 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,575 I have great news for all blainetologists 351 00:11:54,610 --> 00:11:56,275 And for our new members as well. 352 00:11:56,310 --> 00:11:58,479 We've just gotten word from mr. Blaine himself. 353 00:11:58,913 --> 00:12:01,082 The government has denied our church's request 354 00:12:01,117 --> 00:12:02,817 For tax-Exempt status! 355 00:12:03,251 --> 00:12:04,986 But, we want tax-Exempt status. 356 00:12:05,021 --> 00:12:06,721 Yeah, why is that good news? 357 00:12:07,155 --> 00:12:08,421 Because- 358 00:12:08,456 --> 00:12:11,058 Mr. Blaine has arranged for all blainetologist members 359 00:12:11,093 --> 00:12:13,661 From every city and state to march into washington 360 00:12:13,696 --> 00:12:16,264 And demand our right for tax-Exempt status 361 00:12:16,299 --> 00:12:18,866 By committing a mass suicide! 362 00:12:19,300 --> 00:12:20,566 Mass suicide? 363 00:12:20,601 --> 00:12:23,637 Mr. Blaine has said that by killing ourselves in washington, 364 00:12:23,672 --> 00:12:26,674 We are guaranteed everlasting happiness in the afterlife. 365 00:12:28,409 --> 00:12:31,445 Get your things ready, we leave for washington at dawn. 366 00:12:31,879 --> 00:12:33,397 Did you hear that, guys? 367 00:12:33,432 --> 00:12:34,916 We're finally gonna die! 368 00:12:40,121 --> 00:12:42,255 All right, stanley, you can open your eyes now. 369 00:12:42,290 --> 00:12:45,109 This is the hall of the super best friends, stanley. 370 00:12:45,144 --> 00:12:47,929 The headquarters for those who stand for what's right. 371 00:12:49,230 --> 00:12:50,496 Jesus! 372 00:12:50,531 --> 00:12:52,700 We've been working hard since we got your distress call. 373 00:12:52,735 --> 00:12:53,966 Who da kid? 374 00:12:54,001 --> 00:12:56,604 Stanley, i want you to meet some of the super best friends. 375 00:12:57,038 --> 00:12:58,738 Buddha, with the powers of invisibility. 376 00:12:58,773 --> 00:13:01,809 Mohammed, the muslim prophet with the powers of flame. 377 00:13:02,243 --> 00:13:03,509 Krishna, the hindu diety. 378 00:13:03,544 --> 00:13:05,279 Joseph smith, the mormon prophet. 379 00:13:05,314 --> 00:13:06,979 Lao-Tzu, the founder of taoism. 380 00:13:07,014 --> 00:13:09,617 And seaman, with the ability to breathe underwater 381 00:13:09,652 --> 00:13:11,152 And link mentally with fish. 382 00:13:11,187 --> 00:13:12,618 So you mean to tell me that 383 00:13:12,653 --> 00:13:14,822 Even though people fight over different religions, 384 00:13:14,857 --> 00:13:16,956 You guys are actually friends? 385 00:13:16,991 --> 00:13:20,027 More than friends, young boy, we are super best friends! 386 00:13:20,062 --> 00:13:22,161 With the desire to fight for justice. 387 00:13:22,196 --> 00:13:24,365 We all believe in the power of good over evil. 388 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,065 Except for buddha, of course, 389 00:13:26,100 --> 00:13:27,835 He doesn't really believe in evil. 390 00:13:27,870 --> 00:13:29,101 Wow. 391 00:13:29,136 --> 00:13:30,871 Jesus, come look at this. 392 00:13:30,906 --> 00:13:32,607 After your distress call, 393 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:35,209 We entered david blaine into the super best friends computer. 394 00:13:35,643 --> 00:13:36,944 Many interesting things showed up. 395 00:13:37,378 --> 00:13:39,547 He was raised in new york city by a decent family. 396 00:13:39,582 --> 00:13:41,716 But a freak washing machine accident at the age of 12 397 00:13:42,149 --> 00:13:44,318 Made him learn the ways of the black arts. 398 00:13:44,353 --> 00:13:45,620 That's right, semen. 399 00:13:47,355 --> 00:13:48,187 Sea-Man. 400 00:13:48,222 --> 00:13:49,957 That's what i said, semen! 401 00:13:51,692 --> 00:13:53,427 Stop it! 402 00:13:56,464 --> 00:13:57,296 Cartman. 403 00:13:57,331 --> 00:13:59,066 Cartman, wake up. 404 00:13:59,101 --> 00:14:00,333 Cartman. 405 00:14:00,368 --> 00:14:01,669 No, paula poundstone leave me alone! 406 00:14:02,103 --> 00:14:03,369 It's just me. 407 00:14:03,404 --> 00:14:06,007 Brother kyle, why do you disturb my rest? 408 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,609 Dude, i don't think i want to be part of this anymore. 409 00:14:09,043 --> 00:14:09,876 What? 410 00:14:09,911 --> 00:14:11,212 I think stan might have been right. 411 00:14:11,247 --> 00:14:12,478 Anyway, i think it's going too far. 412 00:14:12,513 --> 00:14:15,549 I mean, if i kill myself, it's gonna make my family really sad. 413 00:14:15,584 --> 00:14:17,085 Yeah, i know what you mean. 414 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:18,586 I don't want to die either. 415 00:14:19,020 --> 00:14:20,321 I haven't even got my pubes yet. 416 00:14:20,755 --> 00:14:22,056 I think we should bail. 417 00:14:22,490 --> 00:14:23,322 If we leave the group, 418 00:14:23,357 --> 00:14:25,526 Maybe other people will get the courage to leave, too. 419 00:14:25,561 --> 00:14:27,261 That could be difficult, brother kyle. 420 00:14:27,695 --> 00:14:29,395 But all right, listen. 421 00:14:29,430 --> 00:14:30,696 Why don't we sleep on it? 422 00:14:30,731 --> 00:14:32,033 If we decide to leave the faction, 423 00:14:32,466 --> 00:14:33,334 We can do it in the morning. 424 00:14:33,768 --> 00:14:34,600 Okay. 425 00:14:34,635 --> 00:14:36,587 Okay, you're right. 426 00:14:36,622 --> 00:14:38,539 Oh, cartman... thanks. 427 00:14:43,744 --> 00:14:46,781 Cartman? 428 00:14:47,648 --> 00:14:49,383 What the hell? 429 00:14:51,552 --> 00:14:53,070 ♪ I told on you♪ 430 00:14:53,105 --> 00:14:54,553 ♪ I told on you♪ 431 00:14:54,588 --> 00:14:55,855 What have you done, cartman? 432 00:14:55,890 --> 00:14:58,059 This is for your own good, brother kyle. 433 00:14:58,094 --> 00:14:59,811 You must understand, brother kyle. 434 00:14:59,846 --> 00:15:01,529 You know too much about the church. 435 00:15:01,963 --> 00:15:04,565 If you left now, you'd become a danger to our cause. 436 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,265 And you know what else kyle said? 437 00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:09,770 Kyle, he said that if we were all going to commit suicide 438 00:15:09,805 --> 00:15:11,470 That he wouldn't do it. 439 00:15:11,505 --> 00:15:12,772 Cartman, you fat ass tattletale! 440 00:15:12,807 --> 00:15:14,976 At least i'm not the boy in the plastic bubble. 441 00:15:15,011 --> 00:15:17,144 The suicide pact will go as planned. 442 00:15:17,179 --> 00:15:20,614 If we die, we all die together. 443 00:15:23,217 --> 00:15:26,253 Meanwhile, at the hall of super best friends... 444 00:15:26,288 --> 00:15:27,954 Look at that, jesus. 445 00:15:27,989 --> 00:15:30,157 His followers are growing at a rate even faster than mine. 446 00:15:30,192 --> 00:15:31,693 It appears this david blaine is as dangerous 447 00:15:31,728 --> 00:15:33,194 As you and your young friend had feared. 448 00:15:33,627 --> 00:15:34,894 I knew it. 449 00:15:34,929 --> 00:15:36,664 Here, i have a videotape of his performance the other night. 450 00:15:37,098 --> 00:15:38,833 Perhaps we should have moses look at the tape 451 00:15:38,868 --> 00:15:40,134 And see what he comes up with. 452 00:15:40,169 --> 00:15:41,435 Moses, scan this tape. 453 00:15:41,869 --> 00:15:43,604 Can you tell us the source of blaine's power? 454 00:15:43,639 --> 00:15:46,207 Give me the information. 455 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:48,341 Wow,themoses. 456 00:15:48,376 --> 00:15:50,076 His magic is a combination of 457 00:15:50,111 --> 00:15:53,147 Centrifugal alignment and slight of hand, 458 00:15:53,182 --> 00:15:54,413 Wait a minute. 459 00:15:54,448 --> 00:15:55,715 I'm picking up movement 460 00:15:55,750 --> 00:15:58,135 From blainetologists all over the country. 461 00:15:58,170 --> 00:16:00,521 The blainetologists are heading to washington. 462 00:16:00,556 --> 00:16:01,787 But why? 463 00:16:01,822 --> 00:16:03,089 Wait a minute. 464 00:16:03,124 --> 00:16:04,859 At his performance, david blaine said something 465 00:16:04,894 --> 00:16:06,594 About trying to get tax-Exempt status. 466 00:16:06,629 --> 00:16:07,860 Oh my god! What? 467 00:16:07,895 --> 00:16:09,196 If he gets tax-Exempt status, 468 00:16:09,630 --> 00:16:11,365 Then he'll become a real religion. 469 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,933 He would become unstoppable. 470 00:16:13,968 --> 00:16:16,535 Meanwhile, in the nation's capital, 471 00:16:16,570 --> 00:16:18,956 Blainetologists from all over the country 472 00:16:18,991 --> 00:16:21,307 Have gathered to commit mass suicide. 473 00:16:21,342 --> 00:16:24,343 If the government will not give us tax-Exempt status, 474 00:16:24,378 --> 00:16:27,415 Then we must prove that we are willing to die for our beliefs. 475 00:16:27,848 --> 00:16:29,982 All right, brothers and sisters, gather around. 476 00:16:30,017 --> 00:16:32,619 It's time to drown ourselves in the reflecting pool. 477 00:16:32,654 --> 00:16:35,222 However, the reflecting pool is a little more shallow 478 00:16:35,656 --> 00:16:36,922 Than we originally thought. 479 00:16:36,957 --> 00:16:39,126 So to drown ourselves, you will need to lie on your stomach, 480 00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:41,729 Face down, until you die, as such. 481 00:16:47,802 --> 00:16:49,537 Next! 482 00:16:49,970 --> 00:16:51,705 Meanwhile, at the white house... 483 00:16:52,139 --> 00:16:54,525 Mr. President, we can't let them all kill themselves. 484 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,911 But we can't give them tax-Exempt status either, carl. 485 00:16:56,946 --> 00:16:58,611 Hey george, what's going on? 486 00:16:58,646 --> 00:17:01,031 All right brother kyle, it is time for us to die. 487 00:17:01,066 --> 00:17:03,417 Cartman, we've been brainwashed, don't you see? 488 00:17:03,851 --> 00:17:04,683 We don't have to do this. 489 00:17:04,718 --> 00:17:06,454 But it's the only way for us to be happy! 490 00:17:06,489 --> 00:17:07,321 Cartman, no! 491 00:17:11,592 --> 00:17:14,628 Give us what we want or we will continue to die. 492 00:17:14,663 --> 00:17:16,363 Not so fast, david blaine. 493 00:17:16,797 --> 00:17:18,064 Jesus! Not again. 494 00:17:18,099 --> 00:17:20,701 Yes, but this time, i've brought some help. 495 00:17:21,135 --> 00:17:22,401 Super best friends, ho! 496 00:17:22,436 --> 00:17:23,520 Buddha! Mohammed! John smith! 497 00:17:23,555 --> 00:17:24,605 Krishna! Lao-Tzu! Seaman! 498 00:17:25,039 --> 00:17:28,075 The mass suicide is over, blaine, and so are you. 499 00:17:28,110 --> 00:17:28,943 I don't think so. 500 00:17:28,978 --> 00:17:30,261 Get them! 501 00:17:30,296 --> 00:17:31,545 Aah! 502 00:17:31,979 --> 00:17:34,148 Ice breath should take care of you. 503 00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:36,317 Kyle, kyle! 504 00:17:36,750 --> 00:17:38,919 Sweet salvation! 505 00:17:41,088 --> 00:17:42,389 Kyle!? 506 00:17:45,426 --> 00:17:48,028 Oh my god, they killed kenny! 507 00:17:48,063 --> 00:17:50,197 You bastards! 508 00:17:50,232 --> 00:17:51,464 Kyle? 509 00:17:51,499 --> 00:17:52,800 Oh my god, they killed kenny! 510 00:17:53,234 --> 00:17:54,934 You bastard! 511 00:17:54,969 --> 00:17:57,571 Oh my god, they killed kenny! 512 00:17:57,606 --> 00:17:58,439 That takes care of them. 513 00:17:58,873 --> 00:18:00,139 Now it's your turn, blaine. 514 00:18:00,174 --> 00:18:04,078 Perhaps you need to see some real magic. 515 00:18:07,114 --> 00:18:09,682 Raaaaarh! 516 00:18:09,717 --> 00:18:11,452 Oh, this looks like trouble. 517 00:18:11,487 --> 00:18:13,187 So long, super bestfools! 518 00:18:13,222 --> 00:18:14,453 Kyle! Stan! 519 00:18:14,488 --> 00:18:15,789 Kyle, you can't kill yourself. 520 00:18:15,824 --> 00:18:17,056 I don't want to kill myself. 521 00:18:17,091 --> 00:18:19,260 They rigged this thing to fill with water. 522 00:18:21,428 --> 00:18:23,597 We've got to stop that oversized abraham lincoln. 523 00:18:23,632 --> 00:18:24,465 Mohammed! 524 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:27,501 Aah! 525 00:18:27,935 --> 00:18:28,802 Great scott! 526 00:18:30,538 --> 00:18:33,140 Okay, try again. 527 00:18:36,610 --> 00:18:38,345 It is too powerful, jesus. 528 00:18:38,380 --> 00:18:40,045 It seems to have no weakness. 529 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:41,815 There has to be a way to destroy it. 530 00:18:41,850 --> 00:18:43,082 Jesus to moses. 531 00:18:43,117 --> 00:18:45,719 Meanwhile, at the super best friends league... 532 00:18:46,153 --> 00:18:47,021 Come in, moses. 533 00:18:47,056 --> 00:18:48,287 What? 534 00:18:48,322 --> 00:18:52,226 We need to know how to kill a giant stone abraham lincoln. 535 00:18:52,261 --> 00:18:54,360 Umm... 536 00:18:54,395 --> 00:18:56,962 Wait a minute, ummm... 537 00:18:56,997 --> 00:19:00,034 A giant stone john wilkes booth? 538 00:19:02,636 --> 00:19:03,938 You heard him, super best friends. 539 00:19:04,371 --> 00:19:06,974 We've got to make a giant stone john wilkes booth. 540 00:19:07,009 --> 00:19:09,143 Krishna, we're going to need wood for a mold. 541 00:19:09,178 --> 00:19:11,745 Form of a beaver. 542 00:19:15,216 --> 00:19:16,517 I will find sources of concrete. 543 00:19:16,951 --> 00:19:19,119 You- Get the water to mix it with,semen. 544 00:19:20,421 --> 00:19:22,555 Using the wood that krishna cut down as a beaver, 545 00:19:22,590 --> 00:19:26,493 Jesus uses his master carpentry skills to make a giant mold. 546 00:19:26,528 --> 00:19:27,795 That should do the trick. 547 00:19:28,229 --> 00:19:29,495 Now for some concrete. 548 00:19:29,530 --> 00:19:31,699 Meanwhile, in the ocean depths, 549 00:19:32,132 --> 00:19:34,735 Semen seeks out water to mix with the concrete. 550 00:19:34,770 --> 00:19:36,435 Sea-Man! 551 00:19:36,470 --> 00:19:37,736 Look, swallow, 552 00:19:37,771 --> 00:19:39,506 We should be able to divert the water with that pipe. 553 00:19:39,940 --> 00:19:43,410 And so, seaman and swallow get to- Get to work. 554 00:19:43,445 --> 00:19:46,013 Kyle, you have to hold your breath. 555 00:19:52,519 --> 00:19:54,255 Oh, very funny. 556 00:19:58,592 --> 00:20:00,327 Lao-Tzu, bring it to life. 557 00:20:00,761 --> 00:20:02,062 Using his power of taoism, 558 00:20:02,496 --> 00:20:06,834 Lao-Tzu becomes one with the giant stone john wilkes booth. 559 00:20:10,738 --> 00:20:12,438 Ah! 560 00:20:12,473 --> 00:20:14,173 It worked. 561 00:20:14,208 --> 00:20:17,678 Now freeze over the pool so no one else can drown themselves. 562 00:20:20,714 --> 00:20:22,414 Hey, i was just about to do it. 563 00:20:22,449 --> 00:20:25,052 Later, at the exact same location... 564 00:20:25,087 --> 00:20:26,752 Damn you, super best friends. 565 00:20:26,787 --> 00:20:29,823 Your magic is no match for our powers combined, blaine. 566 00:20:30,257 --> 00:20:32,860 Then i guess you win this time, super best fools. 567 00:20:32,895 --> 00:20:34,595 But i'll be back. 568 00:20:36,764 --> 00:20:37,631 Goddamn it! 569 00:20:37,666 --> 00:20:38,464 It's all right. 570 00:20:38,499 --> 00:20:40,234 Everything is as it should be. 571 00:20:40,668 --> 00:20:42,403 Shut up, buddha. 572 00:20:42,836 --> 00:20:43,920 Our leader, he's- 573 00:20:43,955 --> 00:20:45,005 He's leaving us! 574 00:20:45,439 --> 00:20:47,174 Don't leave us, david blaine. 575 00:20:47,209 --> 00:20:48,475 Listen up, everyone. 576 00:20:48,909 --> 00:20:51,078 You don't need david blaine to tell you how to live. 577 00:20:51,113 --> 00:20:53,247 See, cults are dangerous because they promise you hope, 578 00:20:53,282 --> 00:20:55,216 Happiness and maybe even an afterlife. 579 00:20:55,251 --> 00:20:56,851 But in return, they demand you pay money. 580 00:20:56,886 --> 00:20:58,452 Any religion that requires you to pay money 581 00:20:58,886 --> 00:21:01,020 In order to move up and learn its tenets is wrong. 582 00:21:01,055 --> 00:21:03,223 You see, all religions have something valuable to teach. 583 00:21:03,258 --> 00:21:05,392 But just like the super best friends learned, 584 00:21:05,427 --> 00:21:07,995 It requires a little bit of them all. 585 00:21:08,429 --> 00:21:09,730 He's right. 586 00:21:10,164 --> 00:21:11,430 He's right! 587 00:21:11,465 --> 00:21:12,983 Thanks for saving us, stan. 588 00:21:13,018 --> 00:21:14,466 You'remysuper best friend. 589 00:21:14,501 --> 00:21:15,803 You're my super best friend too, kyle. 590 00:21:16,236 --> 00:21:17,936 Oh, that's so sweet, you guys. 591 00:21:17,971 --> 00:21:20,574 You want to go get a room so you can make out for a while? 592 00:21:21,008 --> 00:21:21,875 Heh-Heh. 593 00:21:21,910 --> 00:21:22,708 Ow! 594 00:21:22,743 --> 00:21:24,044 Ow, stop it! 595 00:21:24,478 --> 00:21:26,612 Well, it looks like everything worked out. 596 00:21:26,647 --> 00:21:30,117 And so jesus and his companions leave washington. 597 00:21:30,152 --> 00:21:32,251 But their return is assured, 598 00:21:32,286 --> 00:21:34,455 For there will always be a need for... 599 00:21:36,623 --> 00:21:39,226 Captioning made possible by comedy central 600 00:21:41,829 --> 00:21:43,130 Captioned by soundwriters?