1 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:07,836 Captioning made possible by comedy central 2 00:00:08,270 --> 00:00:09,788 I'm going down to south park 3 00:00:09,823 --> 00:00:11,215 Gonna have myself a time 4 00:00:11,250 --> 00:00:12,573 Friendly faces everywhere 5 00:00:12,608 --> 00:00:14,343 Humble folks without temptation 6 00:00:14,378 --> 00:00:16,095 Going down to south park 7 00:00:16,130 --> 00:00:17,622 Gonna leave my woes behind 8 00:00:17,657 --> 00:00:19,114 Ample parking day or night 9 00:00:19,548 --> 00:00:20,849 People spouting "howdy neighbor" 10 00:00:21,283 --> 00:00:22,150 Headin' on up to south park 11 00:00:22,584 --> 00:00:24,319 Gonna see if i can't unwind 12 00:00:27,789 --> 00:00:29,524 So come on down to south park 13 00:00:29,559 --> 00:00:31,259 And meet some friends of mine 14 00:00:32,761 --> 00:00:34,461 And so it is with heavy hearts 15 00:00:34,496 --> 00:00:37,315 That we say good-Bye to mabel louise cartman. 16 00:00:37,350 --> 00:00:40,135 She was a good woman, a community leader, 17 00:00:40,569 --> 00:00:43,171 A caring wife, providing mother, 18 00:00:43,206 --> 00:00:47,075 And a loving grandmother. 19 00:00:47,110 --> 00:00:47,943 Mom, it's 3:30, 20 00:00:48,377 --> 00:00:49,678 This is taking up my whole saturday. 21 00:00:49,713 --> 00:00:50,944 Shh, pumpkin, it's almost over. 22 00:00:50,979 --> 00:00:53,581 Why couldn't the funeral have been on a school day? 23 00:00:53,616 --> 00:00:56,184 And now, let us bow our heads in a moment of silence 24 00:00:56,219 --> 00:00:59,221 And reflect on how mabel touched our lives. 25 00:00:59,256 --> 00:01:00,921 God, she didn't take this long to die. 26 00:01:00,956 --> 00:01:04,391 And now we release the doves to symbolize the lord 27 00:01:04,426 --> 00:01:09,631 Taking mabel into his arms and giving her everlasting peace. 28 00:01:13,535 --> 00:01:15,235 Peace. 29 00:01:15,270 --> 00:01:16,536 Great, now can we go? 30 00:01:16,571 --> 00:01:19,174 No, sweetie, we have to tend to some of grandma's business. 31 00:01:19,209 --> 00:01:22,609 Ohh! God damn it! 32 00:01:22,644 --> 00:01:24,813 "And so i leave my stocks and bonds 33 00:01:25,247 --> 00:01:27,381 "Worth an estimated $14.12 34 00:01:27,416 --> 00:01:29,584 To be divided amongst my loving family." 35 00:01:29,619 --> 00:01:31,319 Mom, i wanna go home! 36 00:01:31,753 --> 00:01:33,453 In a minute, sweetie, this is important. 37 00:01:33,488 --> 00:01:36,525 "My loving son, stinky, i leave you the house in nebraska. 38 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:38,260 Look after it as your father and i did." 39 00:01:38,694 --> 00:01:39,995 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 40 00:01:40,030 --> 00:01:41,261 "To my grandson, eric, 41 00:01:41,296 --> 00:01:43,465 "You were always my favorite, fat little man, 42 00:01:43,500 --> 00:01:45,634 My perfect round little pudding piler." 43 00:01:45,669 --> 00:01:46,935 Oh god, you have to embarrass me, 44 00:01:46,970 --> 00:01:47,803 Even in death, grandma. 45 00:01:48,236 --> 00:01:50,839 "For you, eric, i leave, from my life's savings, 46 00:01:50,874 --> 00:01:53,008 "The sum of one million dollars 47 00:01:53,442 --> 00:01:55,177 To be transferred to you immediately." 48 00:01:55,212 --> 00:01:56,712 Whosa-Jigga-What? 49 00:01:56,747 --> 00:01:58,178 A million dollars? 50 00:01:58,213 --> 00:02:00,382 "Eric is the primary benefactor of my estate 51 00:02:00,816 --> 00:02:02,117 "Since it is likely the rest of you 52 00:02:02,152 --> 00:02:03,418 Would spend the money on crack." 53 00:02:03,453 --> 00:02:04,286 Oh my. 54 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:05,804 That can't be! 55 00:02:05,839 --> 00:02:06,888 Excuse me. 56 00:02:07,322 --> 00:02:09,925 Does this mean i have one million dollars? 57 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,660 Yes, eric, it's yours. 58 00:02:12,094 --> 00:02:13,360 No way, you don't understand. 59 00:02:13,395 --> 00:02:15,130 Since i was two years old it has been my dream 60 00:02:15,564 --> 00:02:16,865 To have one million dollars. 61 00:02:16,900 --> 00:02:19,034 And now, you do. 62 00:02:19,069 --> 00:02:21,203 Oh. 63 00:02:33,348 --> 00:02:34,614 There you are, jennifer lopez! 64 00:02:34,649 --> 00:02:36,384 You've been most uncooperative, miss lopez. 65 00:02:36,419 --> 00:02:37,651 No, please! 66 00:02:37,686 --> 00:02:39,421 I promise i'll never make another album or movie. 67 00:02:39,456 --> 00:02:41,156 It's too late for that, miss lopez. 68 00:02:41,191 --> 00:02:43,325 Have mercy! 69 00:02:45,927 --> 00:02:48,495 Yeah-Ha! Awesome! 70 00:02:48,530 --> 00:02:52,868 You guys, you guys! 71 00:02:52,903 --> 00:02:55,001 Why? 72 00:02:55,036 --> 00:02:57,422 Because! 73 00:02:57,457 --> 00:02:59,773 Nah-Uh. 74 00:02:59,808 --> 00:03:01,977 No, swear to god, it's true... 75 00:03:02,012 --> 00:03:04,146 You better not be lying, kenny. 76 00:03:06,314 --> 00:03:11,051 999,400... 999,500... 77 00:03:11,086 --> 00:03:12,821 Damn, dan, i've never seen that much cash. 78 00:03:12,856 --> 00:03:14,087 Me neither. 79 00:03:14,122 --> 00:03:18,425 999,900... one million. 80 00:03:18,460 --> 00:03:20,594 Look at it, look at it, mother. 81 00:03:20,629 --> 00:03:23,665 See how the light reflects the spearmint green from its surface. 82 00:03:23,700 --> 00:03:25,799 Eric, that is a lot of money. 83 00:03:25,834 --> 00:03:27,569 Don't you think you should keep it in the bank instead of at your house? 84 00:03:27,604 --> 00:03:30,172 I'm not keeping it, mr. Garrison, i'm spending it. 85 00:03:30,207 --> 00:03:31,490 On what? 86 00:03:31,525 --> 00:03:32,739 On my dream, 87 00:03:32,774 --> 00:03:35,811 On the one thing i've wanted ever since i can remember. 88 00:03:40,148 --> 00:03:41,883 Excuse me, son, i'm an investment broker, 89 00:03:41,918 --> 00:03:43,185 I can help you invest that money. 90 00:03:43,220 --> 00:03:44,451 Nah-Uh, i'm spending it. 91 00:03:44,486 --> 00:03:47,956 Eric, god could sure use that money for a bigger church. 92 00:03:47,991 --> 00:03:49,656 I think god has plenty of money. 93 00:03:49,691 --> 00:03:51,426 What the hell are you doing, fat-Ass? 94 00:03:51,860 --> 00:03:54,896 Not much, just taking my one million dollars out of the bank. 95 00:03:54,931 --> 00:03:57,898 Oh my god. Kenny wasn't lying. 96 00:03:57,933 --> 00:04:00,101 Would you mind stepping aside, i've got a purchase to make. 97 00:04:00,535 --> 00:04:02,704 Dude, can you loan me 20 bucks for a new jacket? 98 00:04:02,739 --> 00:04:04,890 Ha! If you need money you can get a job, stan! 99 00:04:04,925 --> 00:04:06,851 No freeloaders are gonna take my hard-Earned cash. 100 00:04:06,886 --> 00:04:08,777 Your grandma left it to you, you didn't earn it! 101 00:04:08,812 --> 00:04:10,043 Didn't earn it? 102 00:04:10,078 --> 00:04:11,813 What about all the years i spent making grandma like me? 103 00:04:12,247 --> 00:04:13,982 All the wet, spit-Filled kisses i put up with. 104 00:04:14,416 --> 00:04:16,550 The constant smell of aspirin and pee. 105 00:04:16,585 --> 00:04:19,187 Don't tell me i didn't earn it, you son of a bitch! 106 00:04:19,222 --> 00:04:21,807 No, no, this is impossible. 107 00:04:21,842 --> 00:04:24,357 Yeah, it's unbelievable. 108 00:04:24,392 --> 00:04:26,526 No, i mean this is impossible, stan. 109 00:04:26,561 --> 00:04:28,296 Cartman is the biggest asshole in the world. 110 00:04:28,331 --> 00:04:30,031 How is it that god gives him a million dollars? 111 00:04:30,465 --> 00:04:32,634 Come on, we gotta see what cartman is doing with his money. 112 00:04:32,669 --> 00:04:34,334 Why, how could you do this? 113 00:04:34,369 --> 00:04:36,754 There are people starving in alabama 114 00:04:36,789 --> 00:04:39,140 And you give cartman a million dollars? 115 00:04:40,008 --> 00:04:43,044 And if we can just get you to sign here, and here. 116 00:04:43,079 --> 00:04:44,346 You're sure this is what you want, sweetie? 117 00:04:44,779 --> 00:04:46,514 My own amusement park, mother, i'm sure. 118 00:04:46,948 --> 00:04:49,985 And now you just sign here mr. Foon. 119 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,021 I can't do it. 120 00:04:53,056 --> 00:04:54,287 What? What? 121 00:04:54,322 --> 00:04:55,624 I can't sell this poor kid my park. 122 00:04:56,057 --> 00:04:58,625 Look, i haven't been honest with you. 123 00:04:58,660 --> 00:05:00,395 The park hasn't been doing great business. 124 00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:01,263 Frank, shh. 125 00:05:01,696 --> 00:05:02,963 It ain't right, chris. 126 00:05:02,998 --> 00:05:04,733 The truth is, the park is a financial flop. 127 00:05:04,768 --> 00:05:06,268 I haven't turned a profit in years 128 00:05:06,303 --> 00:05:07,734 Because i can't keep attendance up. 129 00:05:07,769 --> 00:05:09,504 Oh, but i'm not buying the park to get people to come. 130 00:05:09,539 --> 00:05:11,239 You- You're not? 131 00:05:11,673 --> 00:05:12,505 No, no, no. 132 00:05:12,540 --> 00:05:15,577 I'm buying it to keep people out! 133 00:05:15,612 --> 00:05:16,878 Don't you see? 134 00:05:17,312 --> 00:05:19,047 Forever it has been my dream to have my very own theme park, 135 00:05:19,481 --> 00:05:22,083 So that i could be alone in it all day, every day. 136 00:05:22,118 --> 00:05:24,703 I love theme parks, but the lines... 137 00:05:24,738 --> 00:05:27,289 Everywhere you go- People, crowds. 138 00:05:27,324 --> 00:05:28,555 The rides are are great, 139 00:05:28,590 --> 00:05:30,542 But all the lines, lines, lines! 140 00:05:30,577 --> 00:05:32,459 If there's one thing i hate, 141 00:05:32,494 --> 00:05:37,699 All the lines, lines, lines, lines! 142 00:05:38,133 --> 00:05:39,868 And then, there get to be so many people 143 00:05:39,903 --> 00:05:41,603 That they make "fast pass". 144 00:05:42,037 --> 00:05:43,772 So then there's lines for fast pass. 145 00:05:44,205 --> 00:05:46,808 You sign in line to get a ticket to stand in line later. 146 00:05:46,843 --> 00:05:49,411 Then there's lines for the bathrooms, lines for drinks. 147 00:05:49,844 --> 00:05:53,315 Lines for kartankulas and rare kartankula plinks. 148 00:05:55,917 --> 00:05:58,086 And so you see, this park is for me. 149 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:00,220 Nobody else will be allowed in. 150 00:06:00,255 --> 00:06:02,822 Oh well, then i guess i don't feel bad. 151 00:06:02,857 --> 00:06:06,328 Mr. Cartman, congratulations, the theme park is yours. 152 00:06:06,363 --> 00:06:08,930 Gentlemen, i thank you. 153 00:06:11,533 --> 00:06:13,702 Kyle? 154 00:06:15,003 --> 00:06:15,870 Dude, what are you doing here? 155 00:06:16,304 --> 00:06:18,473 Everybody's looking for you. 156 00:06:18,508 --> 00:06:19,341 Kyle? 157 00:06:19,774 --> 00:06:21,076 Do you know what happened to me this morning, stan? 158 00:06:21,509 --> 00:06:24,980 This morning, i woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. 159 00:06:25,015 --> 00:06:28,450 I felt down there and found this big sore lump... 160 00:06:28,485 --> 00:06:30,185 On my ass, stan. 161 00:06:30,618 --> 00:06:31,885 I couldn't even sit down, so, 162 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,487 I had to tell my mom, which was humiliating. 163 00:06:34,522 --> 00:06:37,125 She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, 164 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:40,560 And he told me... i have a hemorrhoid. 165 00:06:40,595 --> 00:06:43,414 It's like an inflicted blood vessel on your ass. 166 00:06:43,449 --> 00:06:46,234 I'm nine years old and i have a hemorrhoid, stan. 167 00:06:46,269 --> 00:06:47,500 I have a hemorrhoid 168 00:06:47,535 --> 00:06:50,138 And cartman has his own theme park. 169 00:06:50,173 --> 00:06:52,741 Kyle, i understand what you mean, but- 170 00:06:52,776 --> 00:06:54,874 Do you, do you, stan? 171 00:06:54,909 --> 00:06:57,078 Because all my life i was raised to believe in jehovah, 172 00:06:57,113 --> 00:06:58,813 To believe that we should all behave a certain way 173 00:06:58,848 --> 00:07:00,513 And good things will come to us. 174 00:07:00,548 --> 00:07:02,717 I make mistakes, but every week i try to better myself. 175 00:07:03,151 --> 00:07:05,103 I'm always saying, "y'know, i learned something today." 176 00:07:05,138 --> 00:07:07,055 And what does this so-Called god give me in return? 177 00:07:07,090 --> 00:07:08,755 A hemorrhoid. 178 00:07:08,790 --> 00:07:11,393 He doesn't make sense- What is your logic?! 179 00:07:11,428 --> 00:07:12,659 Ow. 180 00:07:12,694 --> 00:07:14,863 Look, cartman, he thinks he's gonna be happy 181 00:07:14,898 --> 00:07:16,164 Because he has his own amusement park, 182 00:07:16,598 --> 00:07:17,899 But he's gonna find out that without other people 183 00:07:17,934 --> 00:07:19,634 The rides are totally lame. 184 00:07:20,068 --> 00:07:22,670 I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park? 185 00:07:23,104 --> 00:07:23,972 I bet he's sick of it already. 186 00:07:24,406 --> 00:07:27,659 Yes! Yes! 187 00:07:27,694 --> 00:07:30,912 Awesome! 188 00:07:31,346 --> 00:07:33,046 Ho ho! 189 00:07:33,081 --> 00:07:35,648 Sweet, yes! 190 00:07:35,683 --> 00:07:38,719 Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. 191 00:07:38,754 --> 00:07:41,756 Make sure your seatbelt is fastened, enjoy the mine shaft! 192 00:07:41,791 --> 00:07:43,491 Heh, heh, heh-Heh. 193 00:07:44,359 --> 00:07:47,829 Yes! Yes! 194 00:07:47,864 --> 00:07:51,264 Oh, cool! 195 00:07:51,299 --> 00:07:54,769 Oh, look how much fun i had. 196 00:07:55,203 --> 00:07:57,372 Whoa! Heh, heh, heh. 197 00:07:57,806 --> 00:07:58,638 Waa! Heh, heh. 198 00:07:58,673 --> 00:08:00,807 Whoa! Heh, heh, heh. 199 00:08:00,842 --> 00:08:04,746 Ooh, adventure island, check it out, awesome! 200 00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:07,348 Woo hoo, yeah! 201 00:08:09,517 --> 00:08:12,119 I'm so happy. 202 00:08:12,154 --> 00:08:14,722 I'm so happy! 203 00:08:16,858 --> 00:08:18,558 Oh, hey, dude, 204 00:08:18,593 --> 00:08:19,894 "Terrance & phillip" is just about to start. 205 00:08:19,929 --> 00:08:21,161 Great. 206 00:08:21,196 --> 00:08:22,462 What's that? It's my seat ring. 207 00:08:22,497 --> 00:08:24,666 I have to sit on it because of my hemorrhoid, ow. 208 00:08:24,701 --> 00:08:25,768 Heh, heh. 209 00:08:25,803 --> 00:08:26,800 Sorry. 210 00:08:26,835 --> 00:08:28,570 So, how are things going at cartman's theme park? 211 00:08:28,605 --> 00:08:29,402 Dude, just forget about it, 212 00:08:29,437 --> 00:08:31,172 We can't let him get to us or he wins. 213 00:08:31,207 --> 00:08:32,040 I guess you're right. 214 00:08:32,474 --> 00:08:35,076 Hey, everybody check out the all-New cartmanland! 215 00:08:35,111 --> 00:08:36,377 It's our grand opening! 216 00:08:36,811 --> 00:08:38,511 Cartmanland has over 100 fabulous rides, 217 00:08:38,546 --> 00:08:41,583 Six roller coasters, and tons of great surprises. 218 00:08:41,618 --> 00:08:43,986 And the best part is, you can't come! 219 00:08:44,021 --> 00:08:46,272 That's right, because at cartmanland 220 00:08:46,307 --> 00:08:48,523 Only i, eric cartman, can get in. 221 00:08:48,957 --> 00:08:51,993 That means only i can ride the all-New tornado twister. 222 00:08:52,028 --> 00:08:54,127 A roller coaster that splashes into water- Wow! 223 00:08:54,162 --> 00:08:56,331 It's the greatest amusement park in the colorado area. 224 00:08:56,366 --> 00:08:59,801 And nobody can go. Especially stan and kyle! 225 00:08:59,836 --> 00:09:01,501 Ha, ha, ha! 226 00:09:01,536 --> 00:09:02,802 So come on down to cartmanland now, 227 00:09:02,837 --> 00:09:04,572 But don't plan on getting past the parking lot, 228 00:09:04,607 --> 00:09:05,874 'Cause remember: 229 00:09:06,307 --> 00:09:09,344 ♪ So much to do at cartmanland but you can't come♪ 230 00:09:09,379 --> 00:09:10,879 Especially you, stan and kyle. 231 00:09:10,914 --> 00:09:12,380 That does it! Come on, dude. 232 00:09:12,814 --> 00:09:13,646 Where we going? 233 00:09:13,681 --> 00:09:14,549 We're getting into that fat-Ass's park 234 00:09:14,983 --> 00:09:17,585 Whether he likes it or not. 235 00:09:18,019 --> 00:09:19,754 Whoa! Heh, heh. 236 00:09:19,789 --> 00:09:21,020 Whoa. 237 00:09:21,055 --> 00:09:22,790 Whoa! Heh, heh, heh. 238 00:09:23,224 --> 00:09:24,924 Oh, man, that was awesome! 239 00:09:24,959 --> 00:09:27,128 That one part with the spider that dropped on you, 240 00:09:27,163 --> 00:09:30,598 Oh, man, that totally got me, that was sweet. 241 00:09:30,633 --> 00:09:31,431 Help, help, help! 242 00:09:31,466 --> 00:09:33,635 Oh, that hurts! What the hell? 243 00:09:33,670 --> 00:09:35,803 You sons of bitches! 244 00:09:35,838 --> 00:09:37,070 Come on, dude! 245 00:09:37,105 --> 00:09:38,840 Oh, god, i popped it. Oh, it hurts! 246 00:09:38,875 --> 00:09:40,575 What the hell are you doing?! 247 00:09:40,610 --> 00:09:41,407 Oh, crap. 248 00:09:41,442 --> 00:09:43,178 Oh, god, get me off of here. 249 00:09:43,213 --> 00:09:44,878 Dude! 250 00:09:44,913 --> 00:09:47,081 Stan, i have to go home. 251 00:09:47,515 --> 00:09:50,118 I need my cream, i need my cream! 252 00:09:50,153 --> 00:09:51,384 All right, let's go. 253 00:09:51,419 --> 00:09:52,720 That's right, you stay out! 254 00:09:53,154 --> 00:09:54,420 You can't keep out forever, you fat-Ass! 255 00:09:54,455 --> 00:09:56,191 We'll be back as soon as kyle's hemorrhoid is better. 256 00:09:56,226 --> 00:09:57,726 My life can't get any worse! 257 00:09:57,761 --> 00:09:59,227 You'll see, we'll get in. 258 00:09:59,661 --> 00:10:02,662 All right, so listen. 259 00:10:02,697 --> 00:10:04,432 All i want you to do is keep anybody out 260 00:10:04,467 --> 00:10:05,698 Who tries to get in here. 261 00:10:05,733 --> 00:10:07,433 If you see anybody on my property, 262 00:10:07,468 --> 00:10:10,071 Especially stan and kyle, you are to shoot on sight. 263 00:10:10,106 --> 00:10:12,205 So, what does this job pay? 264 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:13,975 All right, now this is very hard for me to do, you understand. 265 00:10:14,409 --> 00:10:16,361 But in return for you working security 266 00:10:16,396 --> 00:10:18,278 I'll let you ride two rides a day. 267 00:10:18,313 --> 00:10:20,915 But only two rides and only if i'm not on them. 268 00:10:20,950 --> 00:10:25,253 Uh, i'm afraid i don't really like rides. 269 00:10:26,554 --> 00:10:28,506 But, you can ride anything you want. 270 00:10:28,541 --> 00:10:30,458 And you don't have to wait in line. 271 00:10:30,493 --> 00:10:32,592 I'm not interested. 272 00:10:32,627 --> 00:10:34,362 Dude, are you from mars or something? 273 00:10:34,397 --> 00:10:36,097 Any ride you want, no lines. 274 00:10:36,531 --> 00:10:39,567 If you need security, i need a cash salary. 275 00:10:39,602 --> 00:10:40,833 But i don't have any cash, 276 00:10:40,868 --> 00:10:42,169 I spent everything on this park. 277 00:10:42,204 --> 00:10:43,705 Well, look, why don't you just let 278 00:10:43,740 --> 00:10:45,206 A couple of people in each day. 279 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,809 Every day you can just let two people in, 280 00:10:47,844 --> 00:10:50,376 Charge 29.95 for tickets, 281 00:10:50,411 --> 00:10:53,014 And then you can use that to pay my daily salary. 282 00:10:53,049 --> 00:10:55,183 Uh, two people! 283 00:10:55,617 --> 00:10:57,785 This place is huge, you'll never notice two people. 284 00:10:57,820 --> 00:10:59,520 And then you'll have security for your park. 285 00:10:59,555 --> 00:11:01,256 Well, all right, god damn it. 286 00:11:01,689 --> 00:11:02,991 I'll open the park to two people each day. 287 00:11:03,424 --> 00:11:05,159 But remember, anybody else you see trespassing in the park- 288 00:11:05,194 --> 00:11:06,461 I will shoot on sight. 289 00:11:06,496 --> 00:11:08,196 Sweet. 290 00:11:09,931 --> 00:11:11,197 You're a very lucky little boy. 291 00:11:11,232 --> 00:11:13,835 I've never seen a hemorrhoid so infected. 292 00:11:13,870 --> 00:11:15,136 It could've killed you. 293 00:11:15,570 --> 00:11:16,836 Lucky. 294 00:11:16,871 --> 00:11:18,606 Oh, look, kyle, your little friend stan is here to see you. 295 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:19,872 Dude, you okay? 296 00:11:19,907 --> 00:11:21,608 Oh, i'm swell, stan. 297 00:11:21,643 --> 00:11:22,944 I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence 298 00:11:22,979 --> 00:11:24,479 Into cartmanland and it got infected. 299 00:11:24,514 --> 00:11:25,980 I really need to go to the bathroom, 300 00:11:26,015 --> 00:11:27,282 But if i do, it will pop again 301 00:11:27,715 --> 00:11:28,583 And the pain will make me pass out. 302 00:11:29,017 --> 00:11:29,849 How are you? 303 00:11:29,884 --> 00:11:31,402 Well, um, i found out that cartman's letting 304 00:11:31,437 --> 00:11:32,885 A few people each day into his theme park. 305 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:35,523 I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in. 306 00:11:35,558 --> 00:11:38,143 I'm afraid kyle can't ride any amusement park rides 307 00:11:38,178 --> 00:11:40,728 For over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid. 308 00:11:40,763 --> 00:11:41,995 Jesus. 309 00:11:42,030 --> 00:11:44,163 But it's okay, stan, because i finally figured it out. 310 00:11:44,198 --> 00:11:47,669 You see, if someone like cartman could get a million dollars and his own theme park, 311 00:11:47,704 --> 00:11:51,139 Then there is no god, there's no god, dude. 312 00:11:51,174 --> 00:11:52,440 Kyle, don't say such things! 313 00:11:52,475 --> 00:11:54,140 Why, why mom? 314 00:11:54,175 --> 00:11:55,476 Because if i do, something bad will happen to me? 315 00:11:55,910 --> 00:11:57,862 Because if i do, your god might not shower me 316 00:11:57,897 --> 00:11:59,723 With his blessings of infected hemorrhoids. 317 00:11:59,758 --> 00:12:01,549 Kyle, you just don't understand, it's- 318 00:12:01,584 --> 00:12:03,249 No, i finally do understand! 319 00:12:03,284 --> 00:12:05,019 There is no justice! There is no god! 320 00:12:05,453 --> 00:12:08,923 Do you hear me?! I renounce my faith! 321 00:12:10,224 --> 00:12:11,491 All right, all right, listen up, people. 322 00:12:11,526 --> 00:12:14,562 Cartmanland is open, but only to two people each day. 323 00:12:14,996 --> 00:12:15,863 Ohh! That's gay. 324 00:12:16,297 --> 00:12:18,032 I've just gotta cover my security expenses. 325 00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:18,900 Butters, clyde you can come in. 326 00:12:19,334 --> 00:12:20,635 Oh! Oh! 327 00:12:21,069 --> 00:12:24,539 Rest of you will just have to try another day. 328 00:12:25,406 --> 00:12:27,575 Hey, one park admission, that'll be $29.95 sir. 329 00:12:27,610 --> 00:12:29,275 Five cents is your change. 330 00:12:29,310 --> 00:12:30,611 Enjoy your stay at cartmanland. 331 00:12:30,646 --> 00:12:32,312 Oh boy, oh boy! 332 00:12:32,347 --> 00:12:34,515 And enjoy your stay at cartmanland. 333 00:12:34,550 --> 00:12:35,782 Oh, finally work is over. 334 00:12:35,817 --> 00:12:38,419 Now i can get back to riding my rides. 335 00:12:38,853 --> 00:12:41,022 ♪ Da-Da-Da i've got my own theme park♪ 336 00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:42,722 Hmm, what should i go on now? 337 00:12:42,757 --> 00:12:45,793 I know, i'll go on the haunted mansion ride again! 338 00:12:45,828 --> 00:12:47,962 ♪ Da-Da da da da-Da da-Da-Da♪ 339 00:12:47,997 --> 00:12:48,795 ♪ Da da-♪ 340 00:12:48,830 --> 00:12:50,096 What are you doing? 341 00:12:50,131 --> 00:12:51,432 We're in line for the spook house. 342 00:12:51,866 --> 00:12:53,601 Line? Line!? 343 00:12:53,636 --> 00:12:55,301 I hate lines! 344 00:12:55,336 --> 00:12:56,637 Can't you go on something else right now? 345 00:12:56,672 --> 00:12:57,939 We want to see the spook house. 346 00:12:57,974 --> 00:13:00,073 Well, we paid $29.95. 347 00:13:00,108 --> 00:13:00,975 We should be able to go in the spook house. 348 00:13:01,409 --> 00:13:02,241 Yeah. 349 00:13:02,276 --> 00:13:03,578 But i think it's broke down. 350 00:13:03,613 --> 00:13:04,844 The cars aren't moving. 351 00:13:04,879 --> 00:13:05,747 All right, all right, hang on. 352 00:13:05,782 --> 00:13:06,579 Security! 353 00:13:06,614 --> 00:13:08,314 What? 354 00:13:08,349 --> 00:13:09,650 Look, the haunted house ride broke down. 355 00:13:09,685 --> 00:13:10,917 I need you to fix it. 356 00:13:10,952 --> 00:13:12,687 Ah, i'm security, not maintenance. 357 00:13:13,121 --> 00:13:14,387 But i don't know how it works. 358 00:13:14,422 --> 00:13:16,157 Well, your rides are gonna break down every now and then. 359 00:13:16,192 --> 00:13:17,892 You need to hire a maintenance person. 360 00:13:18,326 --> 00:13:19,193 Uh, all right, all right. 361 00:13:19,627 --> 00:13:21,145 I'll let two more people in each day. 362 00:13:21,180 --> 00:13:22,663 So i can hire a maintenance person. 363 00:13:26,901 --> 00:13:28,636 All right folks, we've had another change in policy. 364 00:13:29,070 --> 00:13:30,371 I've had to hire a maintenance person 365 00:13:30,406 --> 00:13:31,637 And to pay his salary, 366 00:13:31,672 --> 00:13:34,058 I have to let in two more people a day. 367 00:13:34,093 --> 00:13:36,409 However, the stupid maintenance person 368 00:13:36,444 --> 00:13:38,396 Demanded i have food and drinks in the park. 369 00:13:38,431 --> 00:13:40,348 So now i've had to hire a beverage person 370 00:13:40,383 --> 00:13:41,614 And a cotton candy person. 371 00:13:41,649 --> 00:13:44,252 Which means i now have to let eight people come in a day. 372 00:13:44,287 --> 00:13:45,952 But, you are to try your best 373 00:13:45,987 --> 00:13:47,722 Not to ride any rides that i am on. 374 00:13:47,757 --> 00:13:48,988 Understood? 375 00:13:49,023 --> 00:13:51,626 All right, let's go. 376 00:13:51,661 --> 00:13:52,927 Timmy! 377 00:13:54,228 --> 00:13:55,096 Wait a minute, who are you? 378 00:13:55,131 --> 00:13:56,362 Mike gainer. 379 00:13:56,397 --> 00:13:57,698 Ha, get the hell out of here, stan! 380 00:13:58,132 --> 00:13:59,399 Goddammit cartman, let me in! 381 00:13:59,434 --> 00:14:01,169 I thought you said buying a theme park was stupid. 382 00:14:01,602 --> 00:14:02,470 Security! 383 00:14:02,904 --> 00:14:03,736 It is stupid, cartman. 384 00:14:03,771 --> 00:14:05,506 You made kyle lose his faith in god, you fat asshole! 385 00:14:05,541 --> 00:14:06,825 Get him out of here. 386 00:14:06,860 --> 00:14:08,109 Move along, sir. 387 00:14:08,144 --> 00:14:09,809 Ah! 388 00:14:09,844 --> 00:14:11,145 This isn't over, cartman! 389 00:14:11,180 --> 00:14:12,412 Uh! 390 00:14:12,447 --> 00:14:16,784 Well, now i can finally get back to riding my rides. 391 00:14:21,122 --> 00:14:22,388 Uh-Oh. 392 00:14:22,423 --> 00:14:23,724 Oh man, i'm so scared. 393 00:14:23,759 --> 00:14:25,893 Aah! 394 00:14:27,195 --> 00:14:28,279 Ah! 395 00:14:28,314 --> 00:14:29,328 Aaah! 396 00:14:29,363 --> 00:14:30,665 Just a little more. 397 00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:31,931 There we go. 398 00:14:31,966 --> 00:14:33,701 Hello, kyle, how's the hemorrhoid today? 399 00:14:33,736 --> 00:14:34,967 Awesome. 400 00:14:35,002 --> 00:14:36,737 Kyle, we want to tell you about the book of job. 401 00:14:37,171 --> 00:14:38,438 It's a story from the bible. 402 00:14:38,473 --> 00:14:40,208 I've had enough of the bible, what has it gotten me? 403 00:14:40,243 --> 00:14:41,943 Oh, i think you'll see differently after hearing this. 404 00:14:42,376 --> 00:14:43,244 Sit down, kyle. 405 00:14:43,678 --> 00:14:44,944 Ah, okay. 406 00:14:44,979 --> 00:14:48,015 You see, job lived in the east of jordan 407 00:14:48,050 --> 00:14:50,635 A long, long time ago. 408 00:14:50,670 --> 00:14:53,221 Job was a great man. 409 00:14:53,654 --> 00:14:55,389 He was blessed with ten lovely children, 410 00:14:55,424 --> 00:14:57,957 A wonderful wife and many friends. 411 00:14:57,992 --> 00:15:00,161 He was a godly and a good man and fed the poor. 412 00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:02,330 He was the most upright and honorable of men. 413 00:15:02,763 --> 00:15:04,499 And every day he praised god. 414 00:15:04,534 --> 00:15:05,366 But one day, 415 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,535 Satan went up to heaven and talked to god. 416 00:15:07,570 --> 00:15:08,801 Satan talked to god? 417 00:15:08,836 --> 00:15:11,438 Yes, in the book of job satan talks to god. 418 00:15:11,473 --> 00:15:14,006 And god says to satan, "have you seen job? 419 00:15:14,041 --> 00:15:16,644 He is a great man and he praises me every day." 420 00:15:16,679 --> 00:15:17,945 But satan said, "oh yeah? 421 00:15:18,379 --> 00:15:20,548 "He only praises you because you gave him so much. 422 00:15:20,583 --> 00:15:21,849 "If you didn't give him those things 423 00:15:21,884 --> 00:15:23,150 He would curse your name." 424 00:15:23,185 --> 00:15:24,417 To which god said, 425 00:15:24,452 --> 00:15:26,586 "Oh yeah? I'll show you satan. 426 00:15:26,621 --> 00:15:27,922 "I'll take those things away from job 427 00:15:28,356 --> 00:15:29,657 And he will still praise my name." 428 00:15:30,091 --> 00:15:32,693 And so, god had a bunch of barbarians come in 429 00:15:32,728 --> 00:15:34,862 And slaughter job's ox and donkeys 430 00:15:34,897 --> 00:15:36,562 And murder all his workers. 431 00:15:36,597 --> 00:15:38,731 Then god sent his fireballs from the sky 432 00:15:38,766 --> 00:15:40,935 And killed his sheep and the rest of his employees. 433 00:15:40,970 --> 00:15:43,104 And then as job's sons and daughters were eating 434 00:15:43,538 --> 00:15:45,273 God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house 435 00:15:45,308 --> 00:15:46,574 And crushed and killed them all. 436 00:15:47,008 --> 00:15:48,274 Job was terribly sad 437 00:15:48,309 --> 00:15:49,575 But he felt to his knees and said, 438 00:15:49,610 --> 00:15:51,779 "The lord giveth and the lord taketh away." 439 00:15:51,814 --> 00:15:53,514 And praised god's name. 440 00:15:53,948 --> 00:15:56,767 So then, job got painful sores all over his body. 441 00:15:56,802 --> 00:15:59,587 He was in terrible, miserable pain all day, everyday. 442 00:16:00,021 --> 00:16:01,322 But he still kept his faith. 443 00:16:01,756 --> 00:16:03,022 God said to satan, 444 00:16:03,057 --> 00:16:06,961 "See? I told you! Job still praises me." 445 00:16:11,299 --> 00:16:13,034 And that's it? That's the end? 446 00:16:13,069 --> 00:16:14,300 Basically. 447 00:16:14,335 --> 00:16:16,469 That's the most horrible story i've ever heard. 448 00:16:16,504 --> 00:16:18,239 Why would god do such horrible things to a good person 449 00:16:18,673 --> 00:16:20,408 Just to prove a point to satan? 450 00:16:20,443 --> 00:16:22,811 Oh, uh, i don't know. 451 00:16:22,846 --> 00:16:25,144 Then i was right. 452 00:16:25,179 --> 00:16:26,480 Job has all his children killed 453 00:16:26,914 --> 00:16:29,517 And michael bay gets to keep making movies. 454 00:16:29,951 --> 00:16:31,651 There isn't a god. 455 00:16:31,686 --> 00:16:34,288 And since the stupid security guard needs video surveillance 456 00:16:34,323 --> 00:16:36,023 I have to let in two more people a day 457 00:16:36,058 --> 00:16:37,325 To cover those expenses. 458 00:16:37,758 --> 00:16:39,276 Need to cover the new ticket guy's salary 459 00:16:39,311 --> 00:16:40,795 So that's three more admissions a day. 460 00:16:41,228 --> 00:16:42,096 Clean-Up crew for the bathroom 461 00:16:42,530 --> 00:16:43,831 Money to cover paint and upkeep. 462 00:16:43,866 --> 00:16:45,150 So, that's about four admissions, 463 00:16:45,185 --> 00:16:46,434 Bringing the grand total to... 464 00:16:46,469 --> 00:16:47,735 God damn it. 465 00:16:48,169 --> 00:16:51,205 816 people can come into the park today. 466 00:16:51,639 --> 00:16:54,241 Wo-Hoo! Yeah! Alright! 467 00:16:54,675 --> 00:16:57,243 Welcome to cartmanland. 468 00:16:57,278 --> 00:16:59,447 Isn't he getting any better, doctor? 469 00:16:59,482 --> 00:17:01,182 I don't understand it. 470 00:17:01,616 --> 00:17:04,218 He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. 471 00:17:04,253 --> 00:17:05,484 It's like he... 472 00:17:05,519 --> 00:17:07,254 Like he's lost all hope. 473 00:17:07,289 --> 00:17:08,955 Well, if you'll excuse me 474 00:17:08,990 --> 00:17:10,690 I've got some more tests to run. 475 00:17:10,725 --> 00:17:13,327 And now back to "money quest" onhbc. 476 00:17:13,362 --> 00:17:14,629 Welcome back to money quest. 477 00:17:15,062 --> 00:17:15,930 In just over two weeks 478 00:17:16,364 --> 00:17:17,665 Young financial genius eric cartman 479 00:17:18,099 --> 00:17:19,365 Has managed to turn a theme park 480 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,135 That was seeing less than 100 attendees a day 481 00:17:21,569 --> 00:17:24,171 Into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands. 482 00:17:24,206 --> 00:17:25,438 And the way he did it 483 00:17:25,473 --> 00:17:26,774 Was with the brilliant "you can't come" technique. 484 00:17:27,208 --> 00:17:28,040 For the first several days 485 00:17:28,075 --> 00:17:29,775 The young businessman saturated the market 486 00:17:29,810 --> 00:17:31,545 With claims that nobody could get into his park. 487 00:17:31,580 --> 00:17:33,245 It made the public crazy. 488 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,016 So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors 489 00:17:35,051 --> 00:17:36,751 They were lining up around the block. 490 00:17:36,786 --> 00:17:37,618 Simply amazing. 491 00:17:38,052 --> 00:17:39,318 Well, i think we should point out 492 00:17:39,353 --> 00:17:41,088 That this technique is already being applied 493 00:17:41,123 --> 00:17:42,355 By businesses all over the country. 494 00:17:42,390 --> 00:17:45,426 I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. 495 00:17:45,461 --> 00:17:46,692 Nobody can eat here. 496 00:17:46,727 --> 00:17:47,994 You'll have to leave now. 497 00:17:48,029 --> 00:17:50,631 No, i'm sorry, you can't see this movie. 498 00:17:50,666 --> 00:17:51,932 Nobody can see this movie. 499 00:17:51,967 --> 00:17:53,668 Ican't even go in. 500 00:17:53,703 --> 00:17:54,934 Out! 501 00:17:54,969 --> 00:17:56,270 Nobody is allowed into "crazy's" anymore! 502 00:17:56,305 --> 00:17:58,005 Get out of here! 503 00:17:58,040 --> 00:17:59,705 Amazing. 504 00:17:59,740 --> 00:18:02,343 Eric cartman is surely the financial genius of our time. 505 00:18:02,777 --> 00:18:05,344 Uh, uhaah... 506 00:18:05,379 --> 00:18:07,947 Kyle? Kyle? 507 00:18:07,982 --> 00:18:09,717 Get the doctor! 508 00:18:18,392 --> 00:18:20,995 Goddammit, stop running into me! 509 00:18:24,899 --> 00:18:26,200 Woo-Hoo, woo- Hooo! 510 00:18:26,634 --> 00:18:27,935 Woo-H- Ack! 511 00:18:43,551 --> 00:18:45,286 Ahhhhh! 512 00:18:46,587 --> 00:18:48,287 My god, look at it, chris. 513 00:18:48,322 --> 00:18:50,057 That kid completely turned this place around. 514 00:18:50,092 --> 00:18:51,323 He sure did. 515 00:18:51,358 --> 00:18:53,094 Oh, if i could only have a park that worked like this. 516 00:18:53,129 --> 00:18:54,395 Hey, there you are. 517 00:18:54,430 --> 00:18:55,661 Oh, hello. 518 00:18:55,696 --> 00:18:56,997 Congratulations on your success. 519 00:18:57,032 --> 00:18:57,865 Just give me my money back. 520 00:18:58,299 --> 00:18:59,565 What? 521 00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:00,468 I changed my mind, i don't want your stupid park. 522 00:19:00,901 --> 00:19:01,985 But it's doing great. 523 00:19:02,020 --> 00:19:03,070 You call this great? 524 00:19:03,504 --> 00:19:04,336 I call it hell. 525 00:19:04,371 --> 00:19:05,673 Trade me back, goddammit. 526 00:19:05,708 --> 00:19:06,540 You bet! 527 00:19:06,974 --> 00:19:08,674 I'll go get your money right now. 528 00:19:08,709 --> 00:19:09,975 Daddy, daddy, can we ride the rockets? 529 00:19:10,010 --> 00:19:11,746 Goddammit, get the out of my way! 530 00:19:18,352 --> 00:19:20,052 Isn't he responding at all doctor? 531 00:19:20,087 --> 00:19:24,425 I'm sorry, your son appears to be losing the battle. 532 00:19:24,460 --> 00:19:28,763 I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs. 533 00:19:28,798 --> 00:19:30,498 Normally the body would fight the infection, 534 00:19:30,533 --> 00:19:34,835 But he's, he's just given up on life. 535 00:19:34,870 --> 00:19:36,535 But then, are you saying? 536 00:19:36,570 --> 00:19:38,739 There's nothing more i can do. 537 00:19:39,173 --> 00:19:41,776 Little fella's just lost his will to live. 538 00:19:42,209 --> 00:19:45,246 Oh kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight! 539 00:19:46,547 --> 00:19:49,583 Good riddance you stupid park, you can all kiss my ass! 540 00:19:50,017 --> 00:19:50,885 Excuse me, eric cartman? 541 00:19:51,318 --> 00:19:52,186 Yeah. 542 00:19:52,620 --> 00:19:53,886 I'm frank gerret with the irs. 543 00:19:53,921 --> 00:19:55,222 You haven't kept records of your income or payout 544 00:19:55,257 --> 00:19:57,391 And there's a $500,000 discrepancy. 545 00:19:57,825 --> 00:19:59,560 Seize the assets. 546 00:19:59,595 --> 00:20:00,392 Hey! 547 00:20:00,427 --> 00:20:01,729 Hey, that's my money! 548 00:20:02,163 --> 00:20:03,464 There's also the lawsuit of the little boy who died in your park. 549 00:20:03,898 --> 00:20:05,199 The family is entitled to the rest of this. 550 00:20:05,234 --> 00:20:06,899 What, kenny? He dies all the time! 551 00:20:06,934 --> 00:20:09,537 You still owe $13,000 more than this, mr. Cartman. 552 00:20:09,572 --> 00:20:10,803 We'll see you in court. 553 00:20:10,838 --> 00:20:12,573 You can't take my money, goddammit! 554 00:20:12,608 --> 00:20:14,308 We know how well your park is doing. 555 00:20:14,343 --> 00:20:16,043 You'll make it back in no time. 556 00:20:16,078 --> 00:20:18,611 Ah! But i- Ah! 557 00:20:18,646 --> 00:20:20,164 Hey, hey, mr. Foon, i changed my mind. 558 00:20:20,199 --> 00:20:21,682 I need the park to make my money back. 559 00:20:21,717 --> 00:20:22,948 No way, jose. 560 00:20:22,983 --> 00:20:24,250 But i'm getting sued now. 561 00:20:24,285 --> 00:20:25,586 If i don't have the park i lose everything. 562 00:20:25,621 --> 00:20:26,887 "I don't care," said pierre. 563 00:20:27,321 --> 00:20:28,587 I'm from france. 564 00:20:28,622 --> 00:20:29,924 This can't be happening! 565 00:20:29,959 --> 00:20:31,659 Aaah! 566 00:20:32,526 --> 00:20:33,793 Kyle, you gotta come see! 567 00:20:33,828 --> 00:20:36,430 Kyle is not going to make it, stanley. 568 00:20:36,465 --> 00:20:37,298 Oh, gerald! 569 00:20:37,731 --> 00:20:39,033 Doctor, can we wheel kyle out of here on his bed 570 00:20:39,068 --> 00:20:40,299 With the machines attached? 571 00:20:40,334 --> 00:20:42,069 Well, i supposed it could be rigged, but i... 572 00:20:42,503 --> 00:20:45,105 Then damn it, man, do it! 573 00:20:46,407 --> 00:20:47,673 It isn't fair! 574 00:20:47,708 --> 00:20:49,877 You goddamn assholes, it isn't fair! 575 00:20:49,912 --> 00:20:51,143 Look kyle, look. 576 00:20:51,178 --> 00:20:54,648 You just build me up to knock me down, didn't you?! 577 00:20:54,683 --> 00:20:55,950 What about my dreams? 578 00:20:56,383 --> 00:20:57,685 What about my money? 579 00:20:57,720 --> 00:20:58,951 Huh? 580 00:20:58,986 --> 00:21:00,287 I'm so pissed off! 581 00:21:00,322 --> 00:21:01,589 Move along, sir. 582 00:21:02,022 --> 00:21:03,757 You are vandalizing private property. 583 00:21:03,792 --> 00:21:06,377 Hey, you used to work for me! 584 00:21:06,412 --> 00:21:08,963 Goddammit, you son of a bitch! 585 00:21:08,998 --> 00:21:11,565 Kyle. 586 00:21:11,999 --> 00:21:12,832 He's coming back. 587 00:21:12,867 --> 00:21:14,602 That's it baby, that's it. 588 00:21:14,637 --> 00:21:16,337 Oh goddamnit, this sucks! 589 00:21:16,372 --> 00:21:17,603 Wait a minute, yes, 590 00:21:17,638 --> 00:21:19,373 The hemorrhoid is going into remission. 591 00:21:19,408 --> 00:21:21,507 Arrrrrr rrr! 592 00:21:21,542 --> 00:21:23,277 Look kyle, cartman is totally miserable, 593 00:21:23,312 --> 00:21:24,812 Even more miserable than he was before 594 00:21:24,847 --> 00:21:26,313 Because he's had his dream and lost it. 595 00:21:26,747 --> 00:21:28,013 It's not fair! 596 00:21:28,048 --> 00:21:29,783 It's not fair, i wanna die! 597 00:21:29,818 --> 00:21:33,054 I wanna die! 598 00:21:33,089 --> 00:21:36,290 Youareup there. 599 00:21:38,893 --> 00:21:40,194 Captioning made possible by comedy central 600 00:21:41,495 --> 00:21:42,796 Captioned by soundwriters?