1 00:00:05,700 --> 00:00:08,737 Captioning made possible by comedy central 2 00:00:08,772 --> 00:00:10,272 I'm going down to south park 3 00:00:10,307 --> 00:00:11,773 Gonna have myself a time 4 00:00:12,207 --> 00:00:13,473 Friendly faces everywhere 5 00:00:13,508 --> 00:00:15,243 Humble folks without temptation 6 00:00:15,278 --> 00:00:16,779 Going down to south park 7 00:00:16,814 --> 00:00:18,280 Gonna leave my woes behind 8 00:00:18,713 --> 00:00:19,980 Ample parking day or night 9 00:00:20,015 --> 00:00:21,533 People spouting "howdy neighbor" 10 00:00:21,568 --> 00:00:23,177 Headin' on up to south park 11 00:00:23,212 --> 00:00:24,786 Gonna see if i can't unwind 12 00:00:28,256 --> 00:00:29,991 So come on down to south park 13 00:00:30,026 --> 00:00:31,726 And meet some friends of mine 14 00:00:34,729 --> 00:00:36,898 So, we meet again, jennifer lopez. 15 00:00:36,933 --> 00:00:38,165 "No, no, please! 16 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:40,368 This time i swear i won't make any more albums or movies." 17 00:00:40,403 --> 00:00:41,635 That's what you said last time, 18 00:00:41,670 --> 00:00:45,140 But obviously we must now resort to more drastic measures. 19 00:00:45,175 --> 00:00:48,176 "Oh, god, it burns, it burns!" 20 00:00:48,211 --> 00:00:49,044 Scream for me, bitch! 21 00:00:49,478 --> 00:00:50,744 "Aah!" 22 00:00:50,779 --> 00:00:52,479 Whoa, awesome! 23 00:00:52,514 --> 00:00:54,249 Hey guys, you guys, come here, you gotta check this out! 24 00:00:54,284 --> 00:00:55,515 Oh, no, what now? 25 00:00:55,550 --> 00:00:56,852 No, you guys, this is really cool. 26 00:00:56,887 --> 00:00:59,419 Come on! 27 00:00:59,454 --> 00:01:00,755 What's this all about, kenny? 28 00:01:02,057 --> 00:01:04,009 Watch this, it's so funny. 29 00:01:04,044 --> 00:01:05,961 Come here, garden, come on. 30 00:01:09,431 --> 00:01:10,732 Heh-Heh, heh-Heh. 31 00:01:11,166 --> 00:01:12,467 Red rocket, red rocket, heh-Heh! 32 00:01:12,502 --> 00:01:13,733 Come on! 33 00:01:13,768 --> 00:01:14,852 Cartman, what the hell are you doing? 34 00:01:14,887 --> 00:01:15,937 I'm milking the dog, they make dog milk. 35 00:01:16,371 --> 00:01:17,889 No they don't. Yeah they do! 36 00:01:17,924 --> 00:01:19,372 Yes, just hold on a minute. 37 00:01:19,407 --> 00:01:20,491 The 5th graders showed us how to do it. 38 00:01:20,526 --> 00:01:21,576 Red rocket, come on, dog, red rocket. 39 00:01:21,611 --> 00:01:23,710 Oh, hoo! 40 00:01:23,745 --> 00:01:25,046 Whoa, cool! That's awesome! 41 00:01:25,081 --> 00:01:26,746 I told you guys. 42 00:01:26,781 --> 00:01:28,048 I had no ideas dogs made milk, do it again. 43 00:01:28,083 --> 00:01:30,685 Dumb-Ass, you can only milk a dog once every few hours. 44 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:33,288 It doesn't work if you beat off a dog again right away. 45 00:01:33,323 --> 00:01:34,554 You "beat off"? 46 00:01:34,589 --> 00:01:35,891 That's what it's called when you milk a dog, 47 00:01:36,324 --> 00:01:36,758 Beating it off. 48 00:01:37,192 --> 00:01:38,059 Don't you guys know anything? 49 00:01:38,493 --> 00:01:39,361 Wow, you learned all this from the 5th graders? 50 00:01:39,794 --> 00:01:41,096 Yeah, i guess they thought we were cool 51 00:01:41,131 --> 00:01:41,963 So they showed us how to do it. 52 00:01:42,397 --> 00:01:43,265 Hey, come here, dog. Dog, come here. 53 00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:44,132 Heh-Heh-Heh. 54 00:01:44,566 --> 00:01:46,735 I was really happy with this month's book. 55 00:01:47,169 --> 00:01:49,337 I agree with what bob and linda said- 56 00:01:49,372 --> 00:01:50,639 Mom, dad, you gotta see this! 57 00:01:50,674 --> 00:01:51,905 Not now, stanley, 58 00:01:51,940 --> 00:01:54,109 This is mommy's and daddy's book club night, remember? 59 00:01:54,144 --> 00:01:54,976 But it's super cool! 60 00:01:55,410 --> 00:01:56,278 Later, sweetie. 61 00:01:56,711 --> 00:01:58,880 Anyway, i found myself enticed by steinbeck's imagery. 62 00:01:58,915 --> 00:02:01,483 The first chapter alone was filled with poetry. 63 00:02:01,518 --> 00:02:02,749 Oh, wasn't it? 64 00:02:02,784 --> 00:02:04,918 I mean, red rocket, red rocket! 65 00:02:04,953 --> 00:02:06,688 "Cannery row in monterey in california 66 00:02:07,122 --> 00:02:09,290 Is a poem, a stint, a grating noise." 67 00:02:09,325 --> 00:02:11,693 It's amazing how with three images 68 00:02:11,728 --> 00:02:14,062 He puts you right there and... 69 00:02:14,097 --> 00:02:15,797 Red rocket, red rocket! 70 00:02:15,832 --> 00:02:17,063 Ahh! 71 00:02:17,098 --> 00:02:18,400 Stanley, what the hell are you doing?! 72 00:02:18,435 --> 00:02:19,718 I'm beating off the dog. 73 00:02:19,753 --> 00:02:20,967 Red rocket, red rocket! 74 00:02:21,002 --> 00:02:23,171 Stanley, you go to your room right now! 75 00:02:23,206 --> 00:02:24,490 My room, why? 76 00:02:24,525 --> 00:02:25,774 Go, stanley! 77 00:02:30,979 --> 00:02:34,449 He gets very good grades. 78 00:02:35,317 --> 00:02:36,184 Stanley, do you know why 79 00:02:36,618 --> 00:02:37,884 You're being grounded for 10 months? No! 80 00:02:37,919 --> 00:02:40,522 Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. 81 00:02:40,557 --> 00:02:42,222 I mean- Ever! 82 00:02:42,257 --> 00:02:44,859 Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever. 83 00:02:44,894 --> 00:02:45,727 Why, what's the big deal? 84 00:02:46,161 --> 00:02:48,330 Stanley, don't you understand what you were doing? 85 00:02:48,763 --> 00:02:50,065 I was doing red rocket to make the dog's milk come out. 86 00:02:50,498 --> 00:02:53,969 No, stan, what you're doing to the dog was... sexual. 87 00:02:54,004 --> 00:02:54,836 Huh? 88 00:02:55,270 --> 00:02:57,005 You were stimulating the dog, stanley. 89 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,608 What came out of him was his... 90 00:02:59,643 --> 00:03:00,909 Randy? 91 00:03:01,343 --> 00:03:03,078 Well, you know, when you do that to a male... 92 00:03:03,113 --> 00:03:08,248 You make his... stuff come out. 93 00:03:08,283 --> 00:03:10,885 Well, jesus, haven't they taught you these things in school? 94 00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:11,753 What things? 95 00:03:12,187 --> 00:03:14,789 Sexual education- Haven't you learned that yet? 96 00:03:14,824 --> 00:03:16,056 No! 97 00:03:16,091 --> 00:03:17,826 Oh, well, you see, stanley- 98 00:03:18,260 --> 00:03:20,645 Well, your school should be teaching this stuff. 99 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:23,031 Yeah, let's get that damn school on the phone. 100 00:03:26,501 --> 00:03:28,236 Okay, parents, i know a lot of you want a chance to speak, 101 00:03:28,670 --> 00:03:30,804 But we want have to talk one at a time. 102 00:03:30,839 --> 00:03:34,309 Look, our kids are learning sexual things on the streets and on television. 103 00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:36,009 There's no way we can stop it. 104 00:03:36,044 --> 00:03:38,647 The schools have to teach them sexual education 105 00:03:38,682 --> 00:03:39,913 At a younger age. 106 00:03:39,948 --> 00:03:42,117 School policy has been to teach sexual education later, 107 00:03:42,550 --> 00:03:43,418 In the 6th grade. 108 00:03:43,852 --> 00:03:45,118 It isn't soon enough. 109 00:03:45,153 --> 00:03:46,419 Yeah, why just this afternoon 110 00:03:46,454 --> 00:03:49,924 Our son was caught beating off our dog. 111 00:03:50,358 --> 00:03:53,395 Look, parents, do you really want your children learning about sex? 112 00:03:53,828 --> 00:03:55,997 Part of the fun of being a kid is being naive. 113 00:03:56,431 --> 00:03:57,949 Let them be kids for a while. 114 00:03:57,984 --> 00:03:59,432 Naive at what cost, chef? 115 00:03:59,467 --> 00:04:01,167 Parents, we have to face facts. 116 00:04:01,202 --> 00:04:04,021 Children in america are having sex at younger and younger ages. 117 00:04:04,056 --> 00:04:06,841 S.T.D.S are affecting younger and younger kids all the time. 118 00:04:06,876 --> 00:04:08,541 The only way we can combat that 119 00:04:08,576 --> 00:04:11,613 Is by educating children before they have sex. 120 00:04:11,648 --> 00:04:13,313 The first thing that kids learn about sex 121 00:04:13,348 --> 00:04:16,384 Shouldn't be some big scare tactic about s.T.D.S. 122 00:04:16,419 --> 00:04:18,084 No, she's right. 123 00:04:18,119 --> 00:04:20,253 With all the teen pregnancies that are out today, 124 00:04:20,288 --> 00:04:23,325 I think my boydoesneed to know about sexual education. 125 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,025 From the school. 126 00:04:25,060 --> 00:04:26,361 Yeah, uh-Huh. Yeah, we have to. 127 00:04:29,831 --> 00:04:33,301 Okay, boys, this is the first day of sexual education, m'kay now. 128 00:04:33,336 --> 00:04:35,904 I know that some of you think this is very funny. 129 00:04:35,939 --> 00:04:38,506 Words like "penis" and "vagina". 130 00:04:39,808 --> 00:04:41,508 Now, stop that, m'kay. 131 00:04:41,543 --> 00:04:43,712 We're gonna get through this by being mature and grown up. 132 00:04:43,747 --> 00:04:45,447 M'kay. 133 00:04:51,519 --> 00:04:54,122 Now, this is the male anatomy, m'kay? 134 00:04:54,157 --> 00:04:56,725 Here we see the testis and the scrotum. 135 00:04:58,026 --> 00:04:59,292 Stop that, m'kay! 136 00:04:59,327 --> 00:05:02,797 The next person that laughs is gonna get a referral. 137 00:05:02,832 --> 00:05:04,497 M'kay... 138 00:05:04,532 --> 00:05:06,701 Now, in order to have intercourse, m'kay, 139 00:05:06,736 --> 00:05:09,738 The man takes his penis and he... 140 00:05:09,773 --> 00:05:14,040 Uh, let's see. 141 00:05:14,075 --> 00:05:19,679 The man takes his penis and he... hmm. 142 00:05:19,714 --> 00:05:21,883 Dude, haven't you ever had intercourse, mr. Mackey? 143 00:05:21,918 --> 00:05:23,635 Well, sure i have, it's just... 144 00:05:23,670 --> 00:05:25,596 I was about 19 at the time. 145 00:05:25,631 --> 00:05:27,522 It's been about 21 years. 146 00:05:27,557 --> 00:05:28,823 M'kay... 147 00:05:29,257 --> 00:05:30,558 Let's see, uh... 148 00:05:30,992 --> 00:05:34,028 I'm pretty sure i took- Yeah, i took the penis and i- 149 00:05:34,063 --> 00:05:37,065 What the hell did i do with that damn thing? 150 00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:39,199 All right, girls, 151 00:05:39,234 --> 00:05:41,403 Even though this may be stuff you don't want to hear 152 00:05:41,438 --> 00:05:43,103 You need to hear it. 153 00:05:43,138 --> 00:05:45,306 Oh, we wanna hear it, miss choksondik, we're excited. 154 00:05:45,341 --> 00:05:47,041 Yeah, we think it's gonna be fun. 155 00:05:47,076 --> 00:05:47,874 Yeah! Yeah! 156 00:05:47,909 --> 00:05:49,609 Fun, it's going to be fun? 157 00:05:49,644 --> 00:05:52,247 Well let's start with our first lesson then, shall we? 158 00:05:52,282 --> 00:05:55,283 Sexually transmitted diseases! 159 00:05:55,717 --> 00:05:57,851 That's right, because unless you get boys to wear condoms 160 00:05:57,886 --> 00:06:00,922 You can and will get a sexually transmitted disease from them. 161 00:06:00,957 --> 00:06:02,657 How fun is that, hmm? Is that fun? 162 00:06:02,692 --> 00:06:03,923 I didn't mean that- 163 00:06:03,958 --> 00:06:06,561 Today over 20,000 americans will contract a sexual disease. 164 00:06:06,596 --> 00:06:07,394 Today! 165 00:06:07,429 --> 00:06:08,730 12,000 more tomorrow. 166 00:06:09,164 --> 00:06:10,899 And the reason is that you girls wake up in the morning 167 00:06:10,934 --> 00:06:13,067 And say, "it's not gonna happen to me." 168 00:06:13,501 --> 00:06:14,369 You say, "oh, miss choksondik, 169 00:06:14,803 --> 00:06:16,538 "That happens to girls in detroit and brooklyn, 170 00:06:16,573 --> 00:06:17,839 But not here in colorado." 171 00:06:17,874 --> 00:06:19,105 Wrong! 172 00:06:19,140 --> 00:06:21,092 Gonorrhea, herpes, chlamydia, h.P.V, h.I.V., 173 00:06:21,127 --> 00:06:23,044 Syphilis, hepatitis "b", hepatitis "c"- 174 00:06:23,079 --> 00:06:24,744 The list goes on and on. 175 00:06:24,779 --> 00:06:26,045 These are serious diseases! 176 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:27,781 They have serious consequences! 177 00:06:27,816 --> 00:06:29,984 You think that sex is about fun and games and love. 178 00:06:30,019 --> 00:06:32,552 Wrong! Sex is about disease. 179 00:06:32,587 --> 00:06:33,888 Here's a little picture of herpes. 180 00:06:33,923 --> 00:06:34,756 Ahh! Ahh! 181 00:06:35,190 --> 00:06:36,057 And here's a little syphilis for ya. 182 00:06:36,092 --> 00:06:36,925 Aah! Aah! 183 00:06:37,358 --> 00:06:38,625 That's right, girls, 184 00:06:38,660 --> 00:06:40,829 Here's what happens when you don't get boys to use condoms. 185 00:06:40,864 --> 00:06:42,130 Hello there, children. 186 00:06:42,165 --> 00:06:43,396 Hey, chef! 187 00:06:43,431 --> 00:06:45,131 How is sexual education class going? 188 00:06:45,166 --> 00:06:46,901 It's dumb, mr. Mackey doesn't teach us nothin'. 189 00:06:46,936 --> 00:06:48,653 Yeah, i don't think ol' mackey 190 00:06:48,688 --> 00:06:50,397 Knows a hymen from a hysterectomy. 191 00:06:50,432 --> 00:06:52,353 And choksondik, i'd be surprised 192 00:06:52,388 --> 00:06:54,275 If she'severgotten laid in her life. 193 00:06:54,310 --> 00:06:55,542 Yeah. 194 00:06:55,577 --> 00:06:57,312 Chef, what's "laid"? 195 00:06:57,347 --> 00:06:58,578 Oh, nothing. 196 00:06:58,613 --> 00:07:01,181 Now move along, children, you're holding up the line. 197 00:07:01,216 --> 00:07:04,252 Hey, maybe we should ask the girls what they learned in sex ed. 198 00:07:04,287 --> 00:07:05,084 Yeah. 199 00:07:05,119 --> 00:07:05,987 Hey, wendy, did you guys get- 200 00:07:06,421 --> 00:07:07,687 Aah! 201 00:07:07,722 --> 00:07:09,457 What the hell is wrong with them? 202 00:07:09,891 --> 00:07:11,626 You guys, we just wanna know- 203 00:07:11,661 --> 00:07:12,494 Aah! 204 00:07:12,927 --> 00:07:14,228 Stay away from me, stan! Why? 205 00:07:14,263 --> 00:07:15,530 Are you wearing a condom? 206 00:07:15,565 --> 00:07:17,230 A what? Aah! 207 00:07:17,265 --> 00:07:19,000 Do any of you have your condoms on? 208 00:07:19,035 --> 00:07:19,868 No. 209 00:07:20,301 --> 00:07:21,603 Don't you know that without wearing a condom 210 00:07:22,036 --> 00:07:22,904 You could get a disease? 211 00:07:23,338 --> 00:07:24,205 Nah-Ah. Yeah-Huh. 212 00:07:24,639 --> 00:07:25,940 If you don't wear a condom you're gonna get aids. 213 00:07:25,975 --> 00:07:27,207 Aids? 214 00:07:27,242 --> 00:07:29,410 Oh jeez, i don't wanna get the aids, fellas. 215 00:07:29,445 --> 00:07:30,677 Is that what you learned in sex ed? 216 00:07:30,712 --> 00:07:32,412 Mr. Mackey didn't say nothing about that. 217 00:07:32,447 --> 00:07:34,182 Dude, mr. Mackey didn't know anything about anything. 218 00:07:34,217 --> 00:07:35,934 You guys have to wear condoms. 219 00:07:35,969 --> 00:07:37,652 Now, please, just, just go away. 220 00:07:38,086 --> 00:07:39,786 We don't want your aids. 221 00:07:39,821 --> 00:07:40,688 But wendy, we don't understand how- 222 00:07:40,723 --> 00:07:43,256 Aah! 223 00:07:43,291 --> 00:07:44,592 Oh my god, dude. 224 00:07:45,026 --> 00:07:46,292 What are we gonna do, huh? 225 00:07:46,327 --> 00:07:47,629 Dude, we gotta go get condoms quick. 226 00:07:48,062 --> 00:07:49,797 Yeah! Yeah! 227 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:53,701 Heh... 228 00:07:58,606 --> 00:07:59,690 Can i help you boys? 229 00:07:59,725 --> 00:08:00,775 Yeah, we need condoms. 230 00:08:00,810 --> 00:08:02,527 Condoms? 231 00:08:02,562 --> 00:08:04,210 Yeah, quick. 232 00:08:04,245 --> 00:08:05,547 How old are you boys? 233 00:08:05,980 --> 00:08:07,064 Why does that matter? 234 00:08:07,099 --> 00:08:08,114 I'll be nine next week. 235 00:08:08,149 --> 00:08:10,318 Sorry, kids, i'm not selling you condoms. 236 00:08:10,353 --> 00:08:12,452 Why not, you want us to get aids? 237 00:08:12,487 --> 00:08:14,222 I just don't think that kids your age should be- 238 00:08:14,257 --> 00:08:15,957 Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms 239 00:08:16,391 --> 00:08:17,692 To anyone who requests them. 240 00:08:17,727 --> 00:08:18,958 But, they're children! 241 00:08:18,993 --> 00:08:21,162 Would you rather them do it unprotected? 242 00:08:21,197 --> 00:08:23,296 Yeah, you want us unprotected, asshole? 243 00:08:23,331 --> 00:08:25,500 I just think that all this sex ed and condom talk 244 00:08:25,535 --> 00:08:26,818 In elementary school is wrong. 245 00:08:26,853 --> 00:08:28,067 Kids are going to do what they do, 246 00:08:28,102 --> 00:08:30,271 And it's up to us to make sure they're protected. 247 00:08:30,306 --> 00:08:31,573 I'm glad this lady's on our side. 248 00:08:32,006 --> 00:08:33,308 I don't think we have any that will even fit them. 249 00:08:33,741 --> 00:08:34,609 Sure, we do, 250 00:08:35,043 --> 00:08:36,778 We just got in the new gladiatorsfor kids. 251 00:08:37,211 --> 00:08:38,044 "Lil mini's"- 252 00:08:38,079 --> 00:08:39,380 They're specially designed for can kids under 10, 253 00:08:39,415 --> 00:08:41,549 And they're only 5.95 for a box of 50. 254 00:08:41,584 --> 00:08:42,815 Fifty? 255 00:08:42,850 --> 00:08:44,586 Can't we just use the same one every day? 256 00:08:44,621 --> 00:08:45,887 No, you have to change it. 257 00:08:46,321 --> 00:08:49,357 Oh, jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things. 258 00:08:50,224 --> 00:08:52,827 Well, thanks so much for letting me come over, miss choksondik. 259 00:08:52,862 --> 00:08:54,128 Oh, it's no problem, mr. Mackey, 260 00:08:54,562 --> 00:08:56,297 It's probably best we come up with a lesson plan together anyway. 261 00:08:56,332 --> 00:08:58,466 Yeah, i've already gone over most of the basics, y'know, 262 00:08:58,501 --> 00:09:00,201 With the boys, but i, ah, 263 00:09:00,635 --> 00:09:03,671 Just wanted to see what else you were teaching the girls 264 00:09:03,706 --> 00:09:05,371 In case i missed anything. 265 00:09:05,406 --> 00:09:06,673 We should make sure our students 266 00:09:06,708 --> 00:09:07,974 Are good and scared of the consequences. 267 00:09:08,009 --> 00:09:09,744 We have to teach them that diseases are possible, 268 00:09:09,779 --> 00:09:11,444 Even with just oral sex. 269 00:09:11,479 --> 00:09:14,732 Right, oral sex, which of course would be? 270 00:09:14,767 --> 00:09:17,460 Using your mouth on the penis or vagina. 271 00:09:17,495 --> 00:09:20,119 Penis or vagina, right, oral sex, m'kay. 272 00:09:20,154 --> 00:09:22,757 It's just too bad these girls are having sex so young. 273 00:09:22,792 --> 00:09:24,058 Yeah... did you? 274 00:09:24,492 --> 00:09:25,758 Did i what? 275 00:09:25,793 --> 00:09:29,263 Well, how long did you wait before you had, uh, doobers? 276 00:09:29,697 --> 00:09:32,300 Well, if you must know, i'm still somewhat of a virgin. 277 00:09:32,335 --> 00:09:33,566 But i'm not ashamed of it! 278 00:09:33,601 --> 00:09:37,071 I wasn't really sought after much in high school or college. 279 00:09:37,106 --> 00:09:40,541 I was made fun of most my life for having such large glasses. 280 00:09:40,576 --> 00:09:41,808 The only boyfriend i ever had 281 00:09:41,843 --> 00:09:44,445 Was this attractive, popular boy named steven garret. 282 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,048 I liked him very much, but i found out he was dating me 283 00:09:47,083 --> 00:09:49,017 Because he had lost a bet on the superbowl. 284 00:09:49,052 --> 00:09:50,952 Loser had to go out with me for three days. 285 00:09:50,987 --> 00:09:52,652 Oh, i'm sorry. 286 00:09:52,687 --> 00:09:53,988 People can be very cruel. 287 00:09:54,422 --> 00:09:55,723 Anyway, i know it's hard to understand. 288 00:09:55,758 --> 00:09:57,423 Actually, i understand perfectly. 289 00:09:57,458 --> 00:10:01,362 I wasn't exactly the captain of the football team either. 290 00:10:02,664 --> 00:10:04,364 And then as i got older, 291 00:10:04,399 --> 00:10:07,218 My head just sort of seemed to get bigger 292 00:10:07,253 --> 00:10:09,513 While the rest of my body stayed the same. 293 00:10:09,548 --> 00:10:11,773 That's how i got my nickname in college. 294 00:10:11,808 --> 00:10:12,640 Your nickname? 295 00:10:13,074 --> 00:10:15,243 "That guy with the really big head." 296 00:10:15,278 --> 00:10:16,509 Right. 297 00:10:16,544 --> 00:10:18,279 Anyway, i sort of lost any confidence 298 00:10:18,713 --> 00:10:22,183 And found it impossible to ever ask a woman out. 299 00:10:22,218 --> 00:10:23,918 Well, i've never met a man 300 00:10:24,352 --> 00:10:26,521 Who was as sexually unappealing as me. 301 00:10:26,954 --> 00:10:29,522 Neither have i. 302 00:10:29,557 --> 00:10:31,257 Well, i'm quite happy without sex. 303 00:10:31,292 --> 00:10:33,461 I mean, with all the diseases and problems out there. 304 00:10:33,496 --> 00:10:34,328 Who needs it, right? 305 00:10:34,363 --> 00:10:35,647 Not me. 306 00:10:35,682 --> 00:10:36,896 M'kay. 307 00:10:36,931 --> 00:10:38,232 Well, back to the lesson plan then. 308 00:10:38,267 --> 00:10:40,366 Right. Okay, oral sex. 309 00:10:40,401 --> 00:10:42,101 Doesn't it give any other directions? 310 00:10:42,136 --> 00:10:46,908 No, it looks like you're just supposed to roll it over your wiener. 311 00:10:46,943 --> 00:10:49,077 "If used probably latex condoms are effective against 312 00:10:49,112 --> 00:10:52,547 Pregnancy, aids and other 'stdses'." 313 00:10:52,582 --> 00:10:53,813 What are "stdses"? 314 00:10:53,848 --> 00:10:55,548 How the heck should i know? 315 00:10:55,583 --> 00:10:58,186 Why, it's just a little doughnut. 316 00:10:58,619 --> 00:11:00,354 Oh, it's all gooey. 317 00:11:00,788 --> 00:11:02,089 Just put it on, butters. 318 00:11:02,124 --> 00:11:03,391 How come i gotta go first? 319 00:11:03,825 --> 00:11:05,560 Butters, will you stop... filibustering. 320 00:11:05,595 --> 00:11:08,596 All right then. 321 00:11:10,331 --> 00:11:11,597 Oh, it's sticky. 322 00:11:11,632 --> 00:11:13,367 It says you gotta check it for holes or tears. 323 00:11:13,801 --> 00:11:15,536 I don't even understand how this thing- 324 00:11:15,571 --> 00:11:17,670 Oh, wait, oh, i see. 325 00:11:17,705 --> 00:11:19,006 Don't look at butters' schlong, gay-Mo! 326 00:11:19,041 --> 00:11:20,273 I wasn't looking at his schlong, 327 00:11:20,308 --> 00:11:21,609 I was seeing how to put the condom on! 328 00:11:21,644 --> 00:11:22,875 Sure. But it won't stay on. 329 00:11:22,910 --> 00:11:24,645 I need a rubber band or something. 330 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:26,831 I've got rubber bands! 331 00:11:26,866 --> 00:11:28,948 Ow, oh, ow! Okay, ow! 332 00:11:28,983 --> 00:11:31,802 There, okay, i think it's on. 333 00:11:31,837 --> 00:11:34,622 How do you feel? Pretty good. 334 00:11:34,657 --> 00:11:36,322 Do you feel protected? 335 00:11:36,357 --> 00:11:38,309 Yeah, i don't think nothing's getting at my wiener through this thing. 336 00:11:38,344 --> 00:11:40,261 It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it. 337 00:11:40,296 --> 00:11:41,129 All right, here, everybody. 338 00:11:41,562 --> 00:11:42,430 Tweek, give everybody a rubber band. 339 00:11:42,864 --> 00:11:44,165 Hey, somebody's gotta help timmy put his condom on. 340 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:45,900 Timmy! 341 00:11:47,201 --> 00:11:48,901 Teachers, i have some bad news. 342 00:11:48,936 --> 00:11:51,972 Last night i received a phone call from the local pharmacist. 343 00:11:52,007 --> 00:11:55,009 Apparently, almost all of our 4th graders are sexually active. 344 00:11:55,443 --> 00:11:56,744 And now that we've scared them a little 345 00:11:56,779 --> 00:11:58,479 They're buying condoms to use. 346 00:11:58,514 --> 00:11:59,781 I knew it. 347 00:12:00,214 --> 00:12:02,166 Well, at least we scared them enough to protect themselves. 348 00:12:02,201 --> 00:12:04,118 But now maybe you'll believe me when i say that we need to be 349 00:12:04,153 --> 00:12:06,686 Teaching even younger than 4th grade. 350 00:12:06,721 --> 00:12:08,889 But how old do you think a student should be 351 00:12:08,924 --> 00:12:11,058 When they learn about proper condom use? 352 00:12:11,093 --> 00:12:12,377 Kindergarten. 353 00:12:12,412 --> 00:12:13,626 Kindergarten?! 354 00:12:13,661 --> 00:12:17,131 We've to get to the students before they start having... sex. 355 00:12:17,565 --> 00:12:19,265 Not after. 356 00:12:19,300 --> 00:12:21,252 Oh, now this is getting ridiculous. 357 00:12:21,287 --> 00:12:23,169 I have to agree with miss choksondik. 358 00:12:23,204 --> 00:12:25,373 It's our responsibility to make sure our kids are safe 359 00:12:25,408 --> 00:12:27,125 If they're gonna screw around. 360 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:28,843 I guess we have no choice. 361 00:12:31,012 --> 00:12:34,048 Okay, children, who can tell me what a condom is? 362 00:12:36,651 --> 00:12:37,917 Yes, jenny. 363 00:12:37,952 --> 00:12:40,555 It flies around and it's endangered. 364 00:12:40,590 --> 00:12:43,122 That's acondor, jenny,condor. 365 00:12:43,157 --> 00:12:46,194 Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of s.T.D.S. 366 00:12:46,229 --> 00:12:47,894 Yes, filmore? 367 00:12:47,929 --> 00:12:49,629 Can we do finger-Paints? 368 00:12:49,664 --> 00:12:50,965 No, we can't do finger-Paints! 369 00:12:51,399 --> 00:12:53,099 You kids wanna get herpes, huh? 370 00:12:53,134 --> 00:12:55,303 How about a nice bucket of aids, sound good? 371 00:12:55,338 --> 00:12:58,304 Now pay attention, all right? 372 00:12:58,339 --> 00:13:01,592 I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. 373 00:13:01,627 --> 00:13:04,846 First of all, you remove the condom from its package. 374 00:13:05,279 --> 00:13:08,749 Then you find which way the condom rolls out. 375 00:13:09,183 --> 00:13:13,087 Put it in your mouth and apply. 376 00:13:16,991 --> 00:13:19,594 Ahhh, ahh! 377 00:13:20,027 --> 00:13:21,762 And it's as simple as that, any questions? 378 00:13:21,797 --> 00:13:23,497 All right, girls, yesterday we went over 379 00:13:23,931 --> 00:13:26,100 The myriad of diseases you can get from boys. 380 00:13:26,135 --> 00:13:27,366 But today we're going to talk about 381 00:13:27,401 --> 00:13:30,872 The most horrible disease they can give you of all. 382 00:13:30,907 --> 00:13:33,005 Pregnancy! 383 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,077 That's right, since you girls decided to be sexually active, 384 00:13:36,112 --> 00:13:37,777 Teen pregnancy is at an all-Time high. 385 00:13:37,812 --> 00:13:39,981 You seem to think it's gonna be fun and neat to have a baby. 386 00:13:40,414 --> 00:13:43,850 Well, let's watch a little video, shall we? 387 00:13:43,885 --> 00:13:47,355 Strikie smallspresents "the miracle of child birth". 388 00:13:47,788 --> 00:13:49,523 The time is drawing close for delivery. 389 00:13:49,558 --> 00:13:51,259 Here we can see the water breaking. 390 00:13:51,294 --> 00:13:52,959 Eww! 391 00:13:52,994 --> 00:13:54,295 Later the contractions are happening closer together. 392 00:13:54,330 --> 00:13:56,429 Mom sure is in a lot of pain. 393 00:13:56,464 --> 00:13:58,633 Now we can see the crown of the baby's head, 394 00:13:58,668 --> 00:13:59,899 Stretching the vaginal walls 395 00:13:59,934 --> 00:14:02,753 In ways never before thought possible by mom. 396 00:14:02,788 --> 00:14:05,573 Finally the miracle happens and the baby is born. 397 00:14:05,608 --> 00:14:06,839 But mom's not done yet. 398 00:14:06,874 --> 00:14:09,043 She's still got some afterbirth to push out of her. 399 00:14:09,477 --> 00:14:12,478 Aaah! 400 00:14:12,513 --> 00:14:13,814 That's right. 401 00:14:14,248 --> 00:14:16,417 Girls, girls, where are you going? 402 00:14:28,696 --> 00:14:30,830 Man, this condom is driving me crazy. 403 00:14:30,865 --> 00:14:32,600 Yeah, i've changed mine three times already 404 00:14:32,635 --> 00:14:34,335 'Cause it itches so much. 405 00:14:34,769 --> 00:14:36,070 Yeah, but it makes going to the bathroom easier. 406 00:14:37,805 --> 00:14:39,540 All right, boys, i now have all the information i need 407 00:14:39,575 --> 00:14:42,975 To teach you the female anatomy, m'kay. 408 00:14:43,010 --> 00:14:46,047 M'kay, this part here is the vaginal opening. 409 00:14:46,082 --> 00:14:47,582 This is where the man puts his- 410 00:14:47,617 --> 00:14:49,083 Eric, what the hell are you doing? 411 00:14:49,118 --> 00:14:50,185 I'm putting on a new condom, 412 00:14:50,220 --> 00:14:51,386 I filled the other one up. 413 00:14:51,421 --> 00:14:52,553 Why are you wearing a condom? 414 00:14:52,588 --> 00:14:53,819 So, i don't get aids. 415 00:14:53,854 --> 00:14:55,589 Eric, you can't get aids from just sitting around, 416 00:14:55,624 --> 00:14:56,891 You have to get it from sex. 417 00:14:57,325 --> 00:14:58,157 From sex? Yes. 418 00:14:58,192 --> 00:14:59,493 You mean intercourse with a girl? 419 00:14:59,927 --> 00:15:00,760 Yes! 420 00:15:00,795 --> 00:15:02,530 Now will you all pay attention, please? 421 00:15:02,565 --> 00:15:04,230 The vagina and the clitoris are on... 422 00:15:04,265 --> 00:15:06,867 All this time, it's the girls that giveusdiseases. 423 00:15:06,902 --> 00:15:08,134 I knew it, girls lie! 424 00:15:08,169 --> 00:15:09,435 They lie right to your face! 425 00:15:09,470 --> 00:15:11,639 Now here we can see the interior female anatomy... 426 00:15:11,674 --> 00:15:13,808 Well, that does it, if us boys are going to live 427 00:15:14,241 --> 00:15:15,977 We have to get rid of the girls. 428 00:15:16,410 --> 00:15:17,712 Yeah, come on, guys, this is war. 429 00:15:17,747 --> 00:15:19,030 Yeah. 430 00:15:19,065 --> 00:15:20,314 Come on! 431 00:15:25,953 --> 00:15:29,423 And here we see the tender, magical uterus. 432 00:15:29,458 --> 00:15:31,592 Here we see the enticing, voluptuous 433 00:15:31,627 --> 00:15:34,593 Fallopian tubes, m'kay. 434 00:15:34,628 --> 00:15:35,930 Okay, children, now i want to review 435 00:15:36,364 --> 00:15:38,497 The different sexual positions. 436 00:15:38,532 --> 00:15:41,135 Who can tell me which sexual positions we talked about? 437 00:15:41,170 --> 00:15:43,269 Missionary position. 438 00:15:43,304 --> 00:15:45,004 Missionary position, good. 439 00:15:45,039 --> 00:15:46,340 A little boring, but tried and true. 440 00:15:46,774 --> 00:15:47,858 What else? 441 00:15:47,893 --> 00:15:48,908 Doggie. 442 00:15:48,943 --> 00:15:50,244 That's right, doggie style we went over, mm-Hmm. 443 00:15:50,279 --> 00:15:52,812 Pile driver. 444 00:15:52,847 --> 00:15:55,016 Uh-Huh, pile driver position, good, quake. 445 00:15:55,051 --> 00:15:56,751 The filthy sanchez. 446 00:15:57,184 --> 00:16:00,221 Yes, good, flora, you remembered the filthy sanchez. 447 00:16:00,256 --> 00:16:01,921 Hot karl? 448 00:16:01,956 --> 00:16:04,992 Yes, you can give your partner the old hot karl, sure. 449 00:16:11,932 --> 00:16:13,199 There, you see? 450 00:16:13,234 --> 00:16:15,836 The girls have built some kind of stronghold to keep us out. 451 00:16:16,270 --> 00:16:18,439 Stay away from us, bastards, we don't wanna get pregnant! 452 00:16:18,873 --> 00:16:21,475 Yeah, just take your diseases and go away forever. 453 00:16:21,510 --> 00:16:23,227 Ha! They're your diseases. 454 00:16:23,262 --> 00:16:24,945 Yeah, you get out of town. 455 00:16:25,379 --> 00:16:26,212 Here, talk to them, butters. 456 00:16:26,247 --> 00:16:28,381 Me? What the heck am i supposed to say? 457 00:16:28,416 --> 00:16:29,717 Just tell them if they leave town peacefully 458 00:16:30,151 --> 00:16:32,536 We won't have to resort to violence. 459 00:16:32,571 --> 00:16:34,887 Just walk away. 460 00:16:34,922 --> 00:16:37,091 You can put a stop to all this. 461 00:16:37,525 --> 00:16:41,429 Just walk away, and we will spare your lives. 462 00:16:41,464 --> 00:16:42,730 Just walk away. 463 00:16:43,164 --> 00:16:44,031 He's pretty good. 464 00:16:44,465 --> 00:16:47,068 We'll never walk away, never! 465 00:16:52,273 --> 00:16:53,539 Oh, bitch! 466 00:16:53,574 --> 00:16:54,875 That does it! Attack! 467 00:16:55,309 --> 00:16:59,612 M'kay, so apparently the lesson plan tomorrow 468 00:16:59,647 --> 00:17:04,418 Is supposed to involve secretion of bodily fluids, m'kay. 469 00:17:04,453 --> 00:17:06,153 I've already gone through that with the girls, 470 00:17:06,587 --> 00:17:07,454 It's pretty simple. 471 00:17:07,489 --> 00:17:08,322 Do you want a drink? 472 00:17:08,357 --> 00:17:10,057 Why, sure. 473 00:17:10,491 --> 00:17:13,961 Yeah, i think i can get through that stuff pretty quick. 474 00:17:13,996 --> 00:17:17,431 Ah, maybe we should come up with another lesson plan. 475 00:17:17,865 --> 00:17:18,697 Something about how nerve endings 476 00:17:18,732 --> 00:17:20,901 Play an important part in intercourse. 477 00:17:20,936 --> 00:17:22,168 Oh, right, right. 478 00:17:22,203 --> 00:17:25,890 Like... in the... nipples. 479 00:17:25,925 --> 00:17:29,542 Or the... shaft of the penis. 480 00:17:29,577 --> 00:17:33,914 It says here that the, uh, head of the penis 481 00:17:33,949 --> 00:17:38,252 Is actually the most sensitive part, m'kay. 482 00:17:38,686 --> 00:17:40,855 Oh yes, the nerve endings are the most concentrated 483 00:17:40,890 --> 00:17:42,555 At the tip of the penis, 484 00:17:42,590 --> 00:17:46,459 Like they are in the clitoris of the woman. 485 00:17:46,494 --> 00:17:50,397 And these are the two areas most important to... 486 00:17:50,432 --> 00:17:53,000 Sexual stimulation. 487 00:17:55,603 --> 00:17:56,869 Oh, is this wrong? 488 00:17:56,904 --> 00:17:59,940 I don't know, it doesn't feel wrong. 489 00:18:02,109 --> 00:18:04,712 I've been thinking about you a lot, miss choksondik. 490 00:18:04,747 --> 00:18:07,748 Yeah, what do you do when you think about me? 491 00:18:07,783 --> 00:18:08,616 Go crazy. 492 00:18:09,049 --> 00:18:09,917 Do you touch yourself? 493 00:18:09,952 --> 00:18:11,452 Yeah. 494 00:18:11,487 --> 00:18:12,953 Mmm. 495 00:18:44,185 --> 00:18:45,451 Ah, m'kay. 496 00:18:45,486 --> 00:18:47,221 Oh my gosh, oh god. Stop, stop! 497 00:18:47,655 --> 00:18:49,390 What's wrong? 498 00:18:49,823 --> 00:18:51,992 It's your turn. 499 00:18:53,294 --> 00:18:55,029 Oh, oh, miss choksondik. 500 00:18:55,462 --> 00:18:57,596 M'kay, m'kay! 501 00:18:57,631 --> 00:18:58,898 Do you want me? I do. 502 00:18:58,933 --> 00:19:02,403 Tell me. I want you, m'kay. 503 00:19:02,438 --> 00:19:03,669 Wait, wait, wait! 504 00:19:03,704 --> 00:19:05,873 Do you have a condom? 505 00:19:05,908 --> 00:19:07,608 Well, no. 506 00:19:08,042 --> 00:19:10,176 Oh well, it. 507 00:19:10,211 --> 00:19:11,512 Oh god, give it to me. 508 00:19:11,547 --> 00:19:13,646 Oh yeah. 509 00:19:13,681 --> 00:19:15,849 Oh, oh, that's it, baby, that's it. 510 00:19:15,884 --> 00:19:18,018 Oh, you feel so good, m'kay. 511 00:19:37,972 --> 00:19:39,707 What the hell was that? 512 00:19:39,742 --> 00:19:41,442 Did you feel something? 513 00:19:41,477 --> 00:19:44,912 Oh, no. 514 00:19:45,346 --> 00:19:48,382 Jesus christ! 515 00:19:51,418 --> 00:19:54,021 Ooh, butters, you're in big trouble now. 516 00:19:58,993 --> 00:20:00,728 Well, i don't know what got into you kids. 517 00:20:01,161 --> 00:20:02,428 You should be ashamed of yourselves. 518 00:20:02,463 --> 00:20:04,198 We just didn't want the girls giving us diseases. 519 00:20:04,233 --> 00:20:05,898 I'm afraid this is all my fault. 520 00:20:05,933 --> 00:20:08,102 I think i went a little overboard scaring the girls. 521 00:20:08,137 --> 00:20:10,271 I forgot to tell them that to get diseases from boys 522 00:20:10,704 --> 00:20:12,873 You have to have sex with them first. 523 00:20:12,908 --> 00:20:14,139 Oh! 524 00:20:14,174 --> 00:20:17,645 Well, i hate to say it, but you all got what you deserve. 525 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:18,477 Huh? Huh? 526 00:20:18,512 --> 00:20:20,247 Look, schools are teaching condom use 527 00:20:20,681 --> 00:20:22,633 To younger and younger students each day. 528 00:20:22,668 --> 00:20:24,585 But sex isn't something that should be taught 529 00:20:24,620 --> 00:20:26,285 In textbooks and diagrams. 530 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,272 Sex is emotional and spiritual. 531 00:20:28,307 --> 00:20:30,133 It needs to be taught by family. 532 00:20:30,168 --> 00:20:31,924 I know it can be hard, parents, 533 00:20:31,959 --> 00:20:34,561 But if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, 534 00:20:34,995 --> 00:20:36,730 You don't know who they're learning it from. 535 00:20:36,765 --> 00:20:38,916 It could be someone who doesn't know. 536 00:20:38,951 --> 00:20:41,068 Someone who has a bad opinion of it, 537 00:20:41,103 --> 00:20:43,636 Or even a complete pervert. 538 00:20:43,671 --> 00:20:45,189 What, why did you pan to me just now? 539 00:20:45,224 --> 00:20:46,707 What the hell's that supposed to mean? 540 00:20:47,141 --> 00:20:48,407 He's right, i never knew how 541 00:20:48,442 --> 00:20:52,311 Special and personal sex was until just recently. 542 00:20:52,346 --> 00:20:55,382 This whole mess started because we couldn't talk to our boy ourselves. 543 00:20:55,417 --> 00:20:57,568 It easier to leave it up to the school, 544 00:20:57,603 --> 00:20:59,685 But it's just not a school subject. 545 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:02,323 Then it's decided, no more condom classes in grade school. 546 00:21:02,756 --> 00:21:04,023 Hooray! Hooray! 547 00:21:04,058 --> 00:21:06,226 But chef, when is the right age for us to start having sex? 548 00:21:06,261 --> 00:21:07,926 It's very simple, children, 549 00:21:07,961 --> 00:21:10,998 The right time to start having sex is... 550 00:21:11,033 --> 00:21:12,264 Seventeen. 551 00:21:12,299 --> 00:21:13,999 Seventeen? Seventeen. 552 00:21:14,034 --> 00:21:16,203 So you mean 17 as long as you're in love? 553 00:21:16,238 --> 00:21:17,469 No, just 17. 554 00:21:17,504 --> 00:21:19,673 But what if you're not ready at 17? 555 00:21:19,708 --> 00:21:21,807 17, you're ready. 556 00:21:21,842 --> 00:21:23,108 Well, i guess we got a while to wait 557 00:21:23,143 --> 00:21:25,312 Before we worry about sex and diseases, huh, wendy? 558 00:21:25,347 --> 00:21:26,578 Yeah, thank god. 559 00:21:26,613 --> 00:21:27,481 Well, i guess now that that's out of the way 560 00:21:27,915 --> 00:21:28,782 We can get on with our lives. 561 00:21:28,817 --> 00:21:30,049 Come here, boy. 562 00:21:30,084 --> 00:21:31,819 That's it, red rocket, red rocket, come on yeah. 563 00:21:31,854 --> 00:21:33,120 Come on, red rocket, dog. 564 00:21:33,554 --> 00:21:35,289 Red rocket now. 565 00:21:37,458 --> 00:21:39,193 Okay, children, so what other sexual positions 566 00:21:39,626 --> 00:21:40,893 Did we talk about? 567 00:21:40,928 --> 00:21:43,964 Yeah, the wrap-Around butt grab, sure, can't forget that. 568 00:21:43,999 --> 00:21:46,133 Uh-Huh, reverse cowgirl, good, kevin. 569 00:21:46,168 --> 00:21:48,736 Hot lunch, yeah, she likes that. 570 00:21:48,771 --> 00:21:50,869 Donkey punch, uh-Huh. 571 00:21:50,904 --> 00:21:53,941 Glass bottom boat, good one, yes. 572 00:21:53,976 --> 00:21:56,110 Fish eye, good, jenny. 573 00:21:56,543 --> 00:21:58,712 Chili dog, mm-Hmm. 574 00:21:59,146 --> 00:22:00,447 Captioning made possible by comedy central 575 00:22:01,315 --> 00:22:02,616 Captioned by soundwriters?