Warning... this episode may contain nuts.
Not now, Six. I'm busy here.
Hey! Yahoo!
Jeez, Six, there's better ways
of showing me you're frisky than goosing me.
Well, I wouldn't have to if you'd lift up your right cheek.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Looking for change that might have fallen down between the seat cushions.
How do you expect money to fall out of my pockets
when I don't wear pants, huh? You ever think of that?
I'm desperate.
We haven't had a score in over a week and I'm broke!
How am I gonna afford my Botox treatments?
Oh my God. I'll die if I don't get them.
What's the big deal?
- You should see her without them. - Maybe we shouldn't.
Yeah, if this is the pretty T'nuk, she's right.
It is a matter of life and death... ours. Everybody chip in.
All I have is two kronigs.
I'm down to my last one.
How about you? Come on, cough up, you cheap bastard.
I'm a little short at the moment.
Look, we'll all have plenty of spending money
after we deliver that buttload
of bootlegged holographic DVDs in the hold.
Chode, trafficking in bootleg DVDs
means we're stealing from the artist, producers...
everyone who works hard to bring a little entertainment
to this dreary universe.
Maybe we should do the right thing and destroy them.
There are no DVDs in here.
Looks like you got some bootleg DVD boxes.
So, Chode, what's your next brilliant plan?
Yeah, the new Zbox 360,000's coming out
and I have no way to pay for it.
What's the difference between the Zbox you have and the new one?
Faster graphics? Better sound?
Duh, my old one has
the 299,000 logo on it.
And this one has the 360,000 logo.
Stop your whining. You don't need that stupid game console.
And we solved T'nuk's problem.
What about me? My book club is meeting next week
and I can't afford the book.
Do you realize the scandal it will cause
if I show up without reading the assigned text?
Jeez, Frasier, have you ever thought about visiting a library?
- Have you? - Touché.
Hey, I've been due for my 50,000-light-year checkup
for about 20,000 light years,
and you don't see me complaining... much.
- What about you, Six? - What does she care?
She doesn't get bored
so she doesn't need any form of entertainment.
Except during sex with Chode. Ga-zing!
She doesn't need money, she doesn't eat
and she doesn't grow old.
She's got it made. Bitch.
Ahem. She is standing right here.
Oh, sorry, bitch!
I can't believe you're all so materialistic.
- And you're not? - Nah, if I had a bunch of money,
I wouldn't buy things with it. I'd just bathe in it.
I'd pour it onto my bed and roll around in it.
I'd rub it all over my body until the...
Ooh!
We need some money.
How about selling real estate like that guy on TV?
No, that's just a pyramid scheme.
- What about donating blood? - You don't have any.
I could sell my sperm to a sperm bank.
And I could sell my eggs.
Help me understand something. Is your whole world a fantasy?
Or just the part where you two aren't main attractions in the freak show?
How about paid assassins?
I saw an ad in the back of my magazine that was looking for hit men.
There's not one of us here that could hurt a fly.
Okay, anything bigger than a fly.
I saw a thinly veiled ad for a masseur
on the back of one of my magazines.
Six could make a fortune turning tricks.
Gus, what magazine did you say you were reading?
- "Field and Stream. " - Six, you've got an email.
- Oh my. - What?
My creator's second cousin once removed died.
What does "once removed" mean?
He's left me his entire fortune.
Once removed means he left you his fortune?
No, it means that there's a difference of one generation.
For example, your mother's first cousin
is your first cousin once...
Would you shut up about the once removed thing?
What about the fortune?
It seems I'm rich.
I'm ridiculously wealthy.
Then what does this second cousin part mean?
Whip, shut up!
Now go on, Six. What else does the email say?
It looks like all I have to do is fill out some paperwork,
but that's about it.
He left me 10 million kronigs.
Our troubles are over.
I say we retire from the rat race
and settle down on an island planet.
Yeah, we could spend the rest of our days sipping piña coladas
and feeling up the natives.
Sounds good to me.
Listen, right now I'm not sure what I'll do with the money.
Hmm?
I mean, maybe I should donate it to a charity
or set up a scholarship fund for sexbots.
Maybe this inheritance is my opportunity
to start doing the right thing.
Let me at her. I'll kill her. Do you hear me? I'll kill her!
He must really want that book.
- Snap out of it. - That selfish little harlot.
Well, she can take her money and shove it up her Grand Canyon of a...
Get ahold of yourself!
That intergalactic semen depository!
Let me have a try.
Thank you. I needed that.
Look, you're going about this all wrong.
You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
You want to catch flies, you use a steaming pile of bull...
Whip! Now we have to come up with a way
that she'll hand it over to us happily.
- Yeah. - Of course.
All right!
You can't see it, but I'm smiling, too.
Big smile.
- Ahem. - What's this?
Well, you probably didn't know this about me,
but I'm a huge supporter of the March of Kronigs.
Kids born with odd numbers of tentacles, the less fortunate,
stuff like that. I was wondering if you'd sponsor me.
This wouldn't be about my money, would it?
Of course not. I'm just doing the right thing.
Name here, sign here, then put the amount here.
The minimum is 5 million kronigs a mile.
How about the "March of the Penguins"?
- "The Light Brigade?" - That's "Charge. "
MasterCard or Visa?
Well, are you there yet?
No, and since when do you care whether or not I have an orgasm?
Six, I'm hurt.
I care very deeply.
That's not it.
That's a button on the comforter.
Okay, who feels lucky?
Keep your eye on the little lady.
Where is she? Where is she?
Where is she? Bets.
Hmm.
How are we gonna lure her in if you can't even pick the right card?
- You went too fast. - So much for playing our cards right.
The Bible says in Luke 6:38:
Give and it shall be given unto you.
The Lord Jesus Christ said in the Old Testament
and I quote, "If you want my blessing,
give to my"... what?
I don't care if he wasn't around till the New Testament.
Stop interrupting.
Please, look into your inheritan... I mean,
your heart and give to the number on the screen.
For a mere 10 million kronigs,
together we will build a palace worthy of Our Lord Jesus.
And... oh, yeah, and most importantly,
we will get you into heaven.
Chyron the telephone number.
God damn it, Bob, Chyron the telephone freakin' number.
Father, sons and holy toast.
As you sleep, think of nothing but giving all your money away.
What a restful and warm feeling it will bring to you
to give all your money to Bob.
Give all your money to Bob.
- Give your money to... - Huh?
Give your money to Bob.
- And Whip. - And T'nuk.
- And Gus. - And Chode.
And afterwards, do that thing that I love.
You know, the swirly thing with your finger
that you get tired of doing, but I can't get enough of.
And make me a ham sandwich with mustard and Swiss
and a cool beverage to go with it.
Shut up!
I've had it up to here with all these money-grubbing schemes.
Right now I wish I'd never inherited the money.
If it's troubling you, I could take it off your hands.
I'd sooner jettison it into space than give any of it to you.
Oh, yeah? Is that all the thanks I get for trying to find your G-spot?
Tonight, I'm getting mine and forget about you.
Brava, Six, brava.
What with standing up to Chode like that
and your talk of scholarships and charities,
I'm seeing a side of you I never thought you had.
- Really? - Yes.
And while I did go along with Chode's silly little schemes,
I felt horribly about it.
We all should be ashamed of ourselves.
Speak for yourself.
The only thing I'm ashamed of is that we failed.
Huh?
You have shown us that there is a different way of thinking,
an alternative to Chode's selfish ways.
You have brought us out of the dark ages
and led us into the light.
- I'm sorry, Six. - Me too.
- I feel like... - You're really serious?
You care about my opinion?
Serious as a heart attack.
Group hug.
Whip, get your hand off my ass.
Charity comes in all forms.
T'nuk, I've noticed you've been resting your elbows on your console.
Yeah, so?
Well, it creates tension in the shoulders.
Try relaxing. Let your arms hang by your side.
Maybe there'd be less tension in your sphincter
if you shoved your head up your ass. Ow!
Oh, you're right. Much better.
Whip, rift factor three...
I'm not sure we wanna do that. What do you think, Six?
Whip, let's play it a little more conservatively... rift factor two.
When should we plan on refueling?
I figure we can make it another 50...
Sorry, Uncle Chode. I was asking Six.
- Huh? - Maintaining our current speed
should take us at least 60 light years.
I don't know why I didn't express my opinion before.
Probably because you had my... in your mouth.
Six, since you seem to be perfectly able to run this ship,
the rest of you, my cabin now!
What the hell's going on out there?
We're ingratiating ourselves to Mommy Warbucks.
What do you think?
Well, from my chair, which happens to be the captain's,
- it looks like mutiny. - What?
Yeah, I saw it in "Mutiny on the Booty. "
There was this captain and he was tapping every chick
in the all-female crew till his first mate...
His second in command.
No, the one he had sex with first.
So the first mate, she decides she's gonna take over
so the crew could have a giant all-girl orgy without him.
God, it was hot.
Anyway, then they threw him in an escape pod
and jettisoned him out into space.
We're not getting rid of you. We just need a couple of days
to win her over.
Come on, Uncle Chode. It's working.
- She's digging the power. - No.
Why do you have to screw us?
That's exactly what the crew asked Captain Thigh.
You numbnuts need to find another way
to get at her money and that's an order.
I'm not sure.
Why not? Look at what a great job you've been doing.
It's easy to look good when you're sitting next to Chode.
Don't sell yourself short. You're a born leader.
But it sounds like mutiny.
That's because we've got it in our heads that this ship is a dictatorship.
But in reality, it's a democracy.
And we would vote for you.
You're not all doing this to get my money, are you?
Money? Don't be ridiculous.
Besides, I thought you were giving it away to your favorite charities.
- You haven't, have you? - I haven't even received it yet.
But like any democracy,
you'd owe your constituency for their support.
Like any democracy.
We need some new blood in leadership.
When was the last time Chode got us some dough, huh?
You'd be doing us a favor, right, guys?
Please help us, Six. We're desperate.
Well, thanks for putting your faith in me.
I'll do what I can, but how?
You'll think of something. You're Six.
Stop it, stop it. It hurts!
Chode, the crew needs me right now.
It wouldn't be permanent.
Just until we get the ship back on its feet, monetarily speaking.
Not for all the tea in China.
What if I could offer you something better than tea?
Oh!
Whip, rift factor three
- High five. - Nobody high fives anymore.
Chest bump?
- Yaaahh! - Whoo-hoo!
¤ A jolly good fellow ¤
¤ That nobody can deny. ¤
Wow, no wonder Chode's always horny.
Well, what will be your first act as our new commander?
Well, how about addressing the troops?
I'd like to start off by explaining to you
that things are going to be a bit different around here.
- We're counting on that. - I'm going to run a tight ship.
Sure, whatever you say.
Always consider the importance of responsibility
and accountability.
Yeah yeah yeah, but are you going to, you know,
take care of us?
Of course. I guess what we'll have is a symbiotic relationship.
You take care of the ship and I take care of you.
- That's what I'm talking about. - Any questions?
- Yes, Whip. - Can I sit in the vibrating chair?
So what's our plan? She owes us now,
but how do we turn that into cash?
I guess we could just come out and ask her for the money.
You know, kind of like a headhunter's finder's fee.
Isn't there some kind of alimony palimony we could demand?
Or maybe she could adopt us.
We could ask her for a salary advance of the next 20 years.
Oh, that's good!
No, it's not. I was being sarcastic.
- What a bunch of lunkheads. - You're not the captain anymore.
We don't have to put up with your crap!
What are you exactly? Six's sex slave now?
Nope, just a passenger waiting to get off at the next stop.
Then go back to your seat in coach.
This is first class, baby.
I'm flying first class, believe me.
I can afford it.
Master Whip. Sir.
Madam.
Where were we? Oh, yes, the plan.
We keep doing what Six asks and complimenting her
on her leadership skills.
Then once she receives her inheritance,
we'll hit her with some requests.
What are you all doing?
- We're on a break. - I didn't authorize a break.
Come on, let's get back on the bridge.
- This ship won't run itself. - But Chode doesn't...
Do I look like a purple- phallic-haired-
- no-pants-wearing lazy ass to you? - No.
Then how could you confuse me with Chode?
Your sunny disposition?
Cheer up. I have a surprise for you.
- Yes! - Okay, let's see them.
Uniforms break down individuality
and inspire bonding.
The only thing it's gonna bond together
are T'nuk's thighs when they heat up.
Uh, crew.
Whip, haven't you already used up
your allotted bathroom break time?
But last time I had to relieve a different urge.
But now I'm touching cloth here.
The turtle's poking his head out of his shell, if you know what I mean.
Oh!
And then the Snozzolean says,
"Yeah, it always shrinks when I go in the water. "
Let's keep the personal chatter for when you're off-duty.
Money or no money, if Big Tits barks one more order,
I'm gonna rip her face off.
Well, you've forgotten one thing: She's a machine.
If you could insert this disk in her and do a little reprogramming,
she'll do whatever we tell her.
Hey! What do you think you're doing?
I had an update for your operating system,
so I thought I'd upload it.
My disk drive is in the back of my head.
Oh, I guess it's just men who think with their genitals.
- Yaoow! - Get back to work.
Wow, I can't believe how strict Six has become.
Yeah, she sure knows how to crack the Whip.
Well, that went extremely well. What a great idea, Six.
Great idea, Captain Six.
So what did you sell those guys?
Captain had the ingenious idea to sell them the foam packing peanuts.
- Who'd wanna buy that crap? - Humans. We repackaged it.
Sold it to them as freeze-dried cappuccino foam.
And they bought it?
It seems they're suckers for anything having to do
with the drinking of coffee.
The idiots pay up to $15 for a pound of beans.
Looks like we're in the wrong business.
- No, we're not. We made a killing. - Well, let's have it.
- What? - Our cut.
You'll receive a paycheck at the end of the month.
Of course, it will have the necessary taxes withheld...
social security, unemployment insurance,
FOOFA, CRF, et cetera. Good work, everyone.
So now we're making less money than before so we can be rich?
That is it. I can't take this any longer.
My exo-alloy is sensitive to synthetic material.
Not to mention it makes you all look like dweebs.
I want Uncle Chode back.
I'm with Whip. Six, the power's gone to your head.
You've sucked all the fun out of this place.
Sure, you're efficient and productive
and Chode is a slacker jerk, but so are we.
If you want to continue torturing us,
you'd better cut us in on your millions right now.
- Mm-hmm. - But I gave up my inheritance to Chode.
That's how I became captain.
Say what?
You asked me to take over and run things, so I bought out Chode.
But we only wanted you to be captain so you'd owe us
and give us your money.
And because of your need for greed and your need for power,
I'm a very rich man, or will be.
I just wired the jurisdictional inheritance transfer fees,
which weren't cheap. I should have my money any minute now.
Please, Chode, get us out from under Six's tyrannical thumb.
Are you kidding? And deal with this ship of fools again?
Nah, I feel 10 years younger
and 10 million kronigs richer.
You morons made this bed. Now you can lie in it.
Please don't leave us with her!
Take us with you. We'll do anything!
Please, Uncle Chode, please.
Captain, you do have a heart. You'll help us, won't you?
Are you kidding? These are tears of joy.
I'm so happy I won't have to see you nitwits again,
I can't hold my emotions back.
My money should be here.
I knew it would take a while coming all the way from Nigeria,
but this is ridiculous.
- From where? - Nigeria.
Isn't that where all those Internet scams originate?
Yeah, they operate out of Internet cafes,
sending emails to unsuspecting marks
with offers of lottery wins.
Or inheritance from a long-lost relative.
Yeah, like I'm gonna fall for that.
No, it's true. Didn't you say you sent them a sizable fee?
My email came back undeliverable.
I'm gonna call them.
You have reached a number that is no longer in service
or has been disconnected.
If you have reached this number in error,
please hang up.
Mother..., son of a gun. You son of a...
You...! You...!
I hope this taught you all a lesson.
What? That the grass is always greener?
A fool and his money are soon parted?
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is?
No, I was thinking that regardless of what we go through
on this ship, no matter how life-threatening
or life-altering the conflict is,
we always pretty much end up exactly where we started.
Not now, Six. I'm busy here.
Whoa-ho! Jeez, Six,
there's better ways of showing me you're frisky than goosing me.
Well, I wouldn't have to if you'd lift up your right cheek.
Ah...!
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