YOU'RE COLONEL GATHERS?
WHAT? OH, NO YOU DON'T!
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? WHO SENT YOU, YOU BASTARD?
SPECIAL AGENT IN TRAINING BROCK SAMSON REPORTING FOR DUTY.
DON'T YOU SALUTE ME, YOU BASTARD!
LEAVE THAT LITTLE JOHN-JOHN CRAP BACK IN BILOXI.
YES, SIR.
AND DON'T "SIR" ME, DAMN YOU!
YOU'RE NOT IN THE MARINES ANYMORE.
THIS IS INTELLIGENCE. START USING IT!
OKAY, COLONEL.
CALL ME HUNTER.
NOW LET ME GET A GOOD LOOK AT YOU.
GOOD GOD, THEY'RE MAKING THEM BIG NOWADAYS.
DON'T THEY KNOW THERE'S A GAS CRUNCH ON?
LOOK AT THE SIZE OF YOU.
AHEM. SAMSON, BROCK.
BORN OMAHA, NEBRASKA TO A SINGLE MOTHER.
HALF-SWEDISH, QUARTER POLISH, QUARTER WINNEBAGO.
YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY AT 14,
HAVE ONE BROTHER, AND YOU ENJOY MOTORCROSS.
THE BROCK SAMSON YOU KNEW AND WERE IS DEAD.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FRANKENSTEIN! YOU'RE OUR BABY NOW.
ARE YOU PREPARED TO DO WHATEVER YOUR COUNTRY ASKS OF YOU?
YES.
CAN YOU KEEP YOUR HEAD ABOUT YOU WHEN CONFRONTED
WITH MIND-BLOWING WEIRDNESS AT EVERY TURN?
YES.
ARE YOU READY FOR ANYTHING?
YES.
ARE YOU STILL READY FOR ANYTHING?
LESSON NUMBER ONE, TRUST NO ONE.
THE MINUTE CRAPPED OUT THE THIRD CAVE MAN,
A CONSPIRACY WAS HATCHED AGAINST ONE OF THEM.
GET UP, DAMN YOU!
[GROANING]
STRAP HER ON, KID. YOUR TRAINING STARTS NOW.
WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU, YOU'LL BE A MEMBER OF THE ELITE AGENCY
THAT'S BEEN THANKLESSLY DEFENDING THIS BIG ASS COUNTRY
SINCE THE SECOND REVOLUTION -- THE INVISIBLE ONE.
WELCOME TO THE OFFICE OF SECRET INTELLIGENCE, SAMSON.
SHOULDN'T BE GONE TOO LONG.
COMPOUND'S GOT A PRETTY GOOD SECURITY SYSTEM.
BUT IF ANYONE MANAGES TO BREAK THROUGH,
WE ALSO HAVE A PANIC ROOM.
I DOUBT YOU'LL NEED THAT, THOUGH.
OKAY, YOU'RE GOOD. DEAN.
ANY QUESTIONS?
YES, ONE.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
THE MONTHLY HEAD LICE CHECK.
FIGURED I'D GET IT OUT OF THE WAY
SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT.
OH, WAIT.
OKAY, YOU BOYS GET INTO YOUR PJs AND YOU COME SAY GOODNIGHT.
THEY'RE GONNA BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
BROCK SAMSON,
THE MOST FEARED MAN IN ESPIONAGE,
A NANNY? PATHETIC.
BROCK, YOUR TALENTS ARE WASTED
ON THESE CIVILIANS.
QUIT THE OSI, GO FREELANCE WITH ME.
WE WOULD MAKE SUCH A TEAM.
SAVE IT MOL, THIS IS MY JOB.
WELL, WAS UNTIL I GOT THIS MISSION.
SO FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS, IT'S YOURS.
I'M TRUSTING YOU TO PROTECT THESE PEOPLE.
FROM WHAT? BED BUGS AND TUMMY ACHES?
HEY, YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW MANY ENEMIES DR. VENTURE HAS.
WE GET INTO SOME PRETTY HOT SITUATIONS HERE.
BROCK, WHICH OF THESE LOOKS BETTER --
THE VELOUR OR THE ITALIAN KNIT?
OH, HELLO.
HEY, DOC, THIS IS MOLTOV COCKTEASE.
I HIRED HER TO WATCH OUT FOR YOU GUYS WHILE I'M ON ASSIGNMENT.
CHARMED. OH, AND I GOT SOME IODINE ON THIS.
DO YOU HAVE TIME TO GET THAT OUT FOR ME?
SAY THE WORD AND HE'S DEAD.
WE COULD BE IN MONACO BY MIDNIGHT.
UH, DOC, COME HERE WITH ME A SECOND.
DID YOU CHECK HER REFERENCES?
OH, GREAT. SHE'S ONE OF YOUR HUSSIES, ISN'T SHE?
YOU'RE PUTTING MY LIFE IN THE HANDS OF A HUSSY.
SHE'S A MERCENARY, NOT A HUSSY.
DID YOU HAVE...
RELATIONS WITH HER?
NO, I DIDN'T.
HMM, WELL, THEN RUSTY CALLS DIBS.
GOD, SHE MUST EXERCISE NIGHT AND DAY.
HI, I'M HANK.
NO, IT'S NOT COSTING YOU ANYTHING.
WHAT IS SHE -- AN INTERN?
SHE GETTING CREDIT FOR THIS IN MURDER SCHOOL?
I WORKED OUT A TRADE.
YOU KNOW HOW RUSSIANS ARE GOOFY FOR AMERICAN JEANS.
WELL, I SNAGGED A PLANE LOAD OF THEM
LAST TIME WE WERE DOWN IN BOLIVIA.
[GASPS] MANACONDA!
[MOLTOV SCREAMING]
SHE'S NIMBLE. I'LL GRANT YOU THAT.
CAN SHE CLOSE THE DEAL?
WAIT.
EWW. WOMANACONDA.
[HORN HONKS] THAT'S ME.
LATER, DOC. LATER, BOYS.
YOU TAKE CARE OF 'EM, MOL.
WELL, LET'S SAY WE GET YOU SETTLED IN.
SHALL I MAKE UP THE FOLD-OUT COUCH
IN MY DAD'S OLD STUDY FOR YOU?
OR WOULD YOU BE MORE COMFORTABLE IN THE MASTER SUITE?
GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT.
I AM HERE ONLY AS A FAVOR TO THAT MAN,
WHOSE FEET YOU AREN'T EVEN FIT TO KISS.
I AM NOT PROTECTING YOUR LIVES, I AM SAVING HIS.
BECAUSE BY THE TIME HE GETS BACK,
YOU WILL NO LONGER NEED A BABYSITTER.
I'M GOING TO TURN YOU INTO MEN.
THE AGENCY THANKS YOU FOR TAKING THIS HIATUS
FROM OPERATION RUSTY'S BLANKET.
THIS IS A STANDARD OFFICE OF SECRET INTELLIGENCE FIELD KIT.
THERE HAVE BEEN SOME NEW ADDITIONS
SINCE THE LAST TIME YOU WERE BRIEFED.
TAKE A MOMENT TO FAMILIARIZE YOURSELF WITH --
'KAY. 'KAY.
USELESS. NEVER USE 'EM.
SMOKES. THESE, I CAN USE.
DO THEY DO ANYTHING STUPID?
WELL, THE FILTERS EACH HOUSE A TINY --
OH.
AT LEAST TAKE THE PEN.
NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT NEED A PEN --
OR IS IT?
GO AHEAD, ASK ME WHAT IT DOES.
THIS IS MY FIELD KIT.
THIS THE CLIENT?
YES, SIR. ROGUE AGENT. ONE OF OUR OWN.
HUNTER!
DID YOU KNOW HIM?
HE WAS THE SECOND-CLOSEST THING TO A FATHER I EVER HAD.
BUMMER. 'CAUSE WE NEED HIM DEAD.
48 HOURS AGO, HE WENT AWOL
WITH 40 MILLION OF THE AGENCY'S MONEY
AND A HEAD FULL OF NATIONAL SECRETS.
HE WAS SPOTTED IN GENEVA,
BUT HE VANISHED BEFORE WE COULD BRING HIM IN.
NOT BEFORE HE KIDNAPPED THE ENEMY'S
TOP PLASTIC SURGEON, THOUGH.
SO HOW DO I FIND HIM?
CAPTAIN SWALLOW WILL BRIEF YOU FROM HERE.
IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE MEETING YOU, MR. SAMSON.
GOOD LUCK TO YA.
CAN'T SWIM, MY ASS!
YOU'RE FROM LAND OF LAKES COUNTRY, DAMN YOU!
YOU JUST HAVEN'T BEEN PROPERLY MOTIVATED.
YES. YES!
YES, DO IT. DO IT!
DAMN IT, YOU ARE READY FOR THE FIELD!
[GRUNTING]
STAND DOWN! STAND DOWN!
[WHIMPERING]
SERPENTINE! SERPENTINE!
IF I WAS THE ENEMY, YOU'D BE DEAD ALREADY!
MACRONESIA.
THIS IS WHERE HE LOST THE SIGNAL FROM THE HOSTAGE'S
SUBCUTANEOUS HONING CHIP.
OUR GUESS IS COLONEL GATHERS IS STILL SOMEWHERE IN THAT VICINITY.
WE NEED TO FIND HIM AND TAKE HIM OUT QUICKLY --
BEFORE HE HAS TIME TO CHANGE HIS IDENTITY AND DISAPPEAR FOREVER.
HOW WAS THE LOBSTER?
EXCELLENT.
BUT MACRONESIA IS THREE DAYS AWAY BY SUB.
WHAT IS THIS -- A '59?
'58.
HOW ARE WE GONNA GET THERE IN TIME?
NOT "WE," YOU.
AND NOT VIA SUBMARINE.
VIA THIS.
DRAGON, EAGLE, MANTIS.
MONKEY, TIGER, SNAKE, LEOPARD.
THESE ARE CALLED THE MAIMERS.
AAH!
STRIKE AT YOUR ENEMY WITH ONE OF THESE,
AND THEY WILL BE YOUR ENEMY NO MORE.
BOOP.
THIS IS CALLED BINDING. WITH MY OPPONENT IN THIS HOLD,
I CAN HAVE MY WAY WITH HIM.
NOW, SPAR!
HA! IT WORKS! I NEVER USED TO BEAT HANK!
WHO DA MASTER! WHO DA MASTER!
FOCUS, HANK!
YOUR OPPONENT HAS YOU ON YOUR BACK!
ARE YOU GOING TO LET HIM WIN?
AAH!
SHO NUFF!
HANK!
YOUR IMPROVISATION WAS EXCELLENT,
BUT WE'RE NOT UP TO WEAPONS TRAINING YET.
HOLY CRAP, YOU MADE ME KILL DEAN!
SUDDEN DROP IN BLOOD PRESSURE.
HE'S ONLY PASSED OUT.
OH.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, PIN HIM!
[ALARM BLARES]
[BEEP BEEP] YEAH.
SAMSON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
I'M KINDA OF IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING HERE, MOL.
WHAT'S THE DEAL? YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO HANDLE THEM.
PLEASE, OF COURSE I DID.
BUT YOU NEGLECTED TO TELL ME THIS COMPOUND IS BUILT
ON TOP OF AN INDIAN BURIAL GROUND!
CRAP! IS IT THE ANNIVERSARY AGAIN ALREADY?
LOOK, YOU WANNA CALL DR. ORPHEUS.
HE'S A NECROMANCER.
HE'S RIGHT OVER IN THE EAST WING.
HE'LL CLEAR THAT RIGHT UP, NO PROBLEM.
LOOK, I GOTTA GO.
YOU GOTTA KEEP THIS CHANNEL CLEAR
UNLESS IT'S A REAL EMERGENCY.
NORMALLY, I'D JUST COME OVER
AND TAKE CARE OF THIS ON THE 25th.
BUT I FORGOT THIS WAS A LEAP YEAR.
AND WELL, THE APACHES DIDN'T HAVE THOSE.
SO EASY TO LOSE TRACK OF MATTERS TEMPORAL IN MY VOCATION.
MY APOLOGIES FOR THE ERROR, MISS, UH...
COCKTEASE.
OH, UM, OF COURSE. HOW DO YOU DO?
GEE, THANKS FOR COMING. TOO BAD YOU CAN'T STAY LONGER.
WELL, I DON'T REALLY HAVE TO BE ANYWHERE.
I SAID, GOOD DAY, SIR.
WELL, AFTER THAT RIGMAROLE, I COULD USE A NIGHT CAP.
CARE TO JOIN ME?
I'VE BEEN SQUIRRELING AWAY
A BOTTLE OF COOKING SHERRY FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION.
BUT, UH, WELL HECK,
THIS IS CAUSE ENOUGH FOR CELEBRA--
SOME OTHER TIME, THEN.
NO, NO. IT SOUNDS DELIGHTFUL.
I'LL GET THE GLASSES.
HOWEVER WILL WE PASS THE TIME?
[GROANING]
[WHISTLING]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH DANICA PATRICK?
I'M OVER HER. YOU WANT THIS?
NAH, NOT MY TYPE.
WANNA KEEP THE FUN TACK, AT LEAST?
MARY LOU RETTON, TOO? WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?
DEAN, DEAN.
I SOMETIMES FORGET YOU'RE YOUNGER THAN ME.
BY A LOUSY FOUR MINUTES.
MAYBE IN FOUR MINUTES YOU'LL UNDERSTAND.
IT TOOK A REAL WOMAN TO FINALLY SHOW ME
THAT THESE GIRLS --
FINE ATHLETES AND EASY ON THE EYE, BOTH --
WERE BUT THE MERE CRUSHES OF A BOY.
AND YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE LOOKING AT A MAN.
YOU FINALLY GOT 'EM?
A GENTLEMEN NEVER ASKS AND A LADY NEVER TELLS.
MORNING, MOLTOV. I MADE YOU --
HANK?
YOU SHOULDN'T SNEAK UP ON MY LIKE THAT.
[WATCH BEEPS]
VENTURE RESIDENCE, HANK SPEAKING.
HANK, HEY, PAL. I FORGOT TO TELL YOU --
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
SAMSON, WHERE ARE YOU?
COME ON, MOL. YOU KNOW I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT.
AH, SO YOU DO REMEMBER HOW TO BE A SPY.
WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK?
WHY? YOU MISS ME?
I MISS THE MAN YOU USED TO BE.
PERHAPS YOU'LL FIND HIM ON THIS MISSION?
AH, THERE YOU ARE. LISTEN, TODAY'S THE DAY
I DO MY MARKETING -- OOH, IS THAT BROCK?
CHECKIN' UP ON US, EH?
WELL, DON'T YOU WORRY YOUR PRETTY BLOND HEAD ABOUT ME.
WHILE YOU'RE ON YOUR LITTLE VACATION,
ME AND MY HOTSHOT NEW BODYGUARD WILL BE
SKIPPING DOWN TO THE BOHEX, THANK YOU.
WHY IS MY BROTHER DRESSED LIKE THAT?
I DIDN'T ASK.
I THOUGHT YOU TWO JUST LIKED TO DRESS LIKE IDIOTS.
HEY!
AND DON'T TELL ORPHEUS, BUT I BORROWED HIS SUNDAY PAPER,
WHICH MEANS -- THAT'S RIGHT --
DOUBLE COUPONS. OW! HANK!
[SIGHS]
WHEN DO WE GET TO DO SOMETHING?
STAKE OUTS ARE 80% OF THE JOB.
DON'T PULL AT THAT!
A CONVINCING COVER IS THE OTHER 20%.
[SIGHS]
SO, NO WOMEN, NO CHILDREN.
NO WOMEN, NO CHILDREN. THEM'S RULES.
SEPARATES US FROM THE BADDIES.
WHAT IF SHE'S AN ENEMY AGENT?
UNH-UNH.
AN ASSASSIN? NO.
A DOUBLE AGENT ASSASSIN WHO JUST KILLED THE PRESIDENT?
NO, SIR. NONLETHAL TAKEDOWN ONLY.
THE PRESIDENT SHOT THE PRESIDENT ANYWAY. YOU KNOW THAT.
AH.
HOW ABOUT, YOU KNOW, UH,
A LADY DRACULA?
YOU MEAN, LE VAMPIRE? NOSFERATU?
YES. UNDEAD.
NOT TECHNICALLY A WOMAN IN THAT REGARD.
SO YOU GOT NO BEEF THERE.
ALSO, FICTITIOUS.
DO NOT EAT THAT! IT'S C-4!
WOMAN!
50 LAPS. NO LUNCH UNTIL YOU'RE THROUGH.
YES, MA'AM.
I THOUGHT I WAS EXCUSED.
YOUR FOOT DOES NOT EXCUSE YOU FROM TRAINING.
EVERYTHING THROUGH CHAPTER FOUR BY NOON.
Hank: THAT'S ONE!
AHEM, MISS --
DR. VENTURE, I DIDN'T REALIZE.
OH, NO, IT'S FINE.
I WAS THINKING OF PAINTING AN ACCENT WALL THERE, ANYWAY.
YOU KNOW, JAZZ UP THE RUMPUS ROOM A BIT.
YOU'RE BLEEDING. LET ME HELP YOU.
[PANTING] 12!
HEY, DEAN!
TRIANA, THANK GOD!
NICE BOD.
THANKS, I'VE BEEN WORKING OUT...
A LOT.
HEY, WE CAME OVER TO USE THE POOL. IS THAT COOL?
NO, IT'S NOT COOL. NOTHING IS COOL.
HMM.
YOU SEEM A LITTLE WEIRD. ARE YOU GUYS OKAY?
SHE'S KILLING US.
LISTEN, WE KINDA GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT, YOU AND I.
AND I DON'T MEAN THE ONE YOU JUST KICKED MY TEETH IN WITH.
SO FINE, IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN 135 POUNDS
OF GRADE-A AMERICAN COME AND GET IT,
I CAN RESPECT THAT.
BUT, UH, WE CAN, AT LEAST, BE FRIENDS,
RIGHT?
SO, TELL ME, FRIEND, YOU MIGHT KNOW THIS.
THE WHOLE RUSSIAN MAIL ORDER BRIDE DEAL ON THE INTERNET --
IS THAT ON THE UP AND UP?
I WOULDN'T KNOW.
BECAUSE THOSE CHINESE ONES ARE A REAL RACKET.
THE DAMN THING WAS ALREADY DEAD WHEN THE CRATE SHOWED UP.
AND HANK -- I DON'T KNOW WHAT HIS DEAL IS.
IT'S LIKE HE'S ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS.
THE SCOOBY DOO KID? WHERE DID HE GO?
HE'S SWIMMING LAPS.
AW.
[GIGGLING]
OH, WOULD YOU MIND?
I ONLY ALLOW BROCK TO SMOKE OUTSIDE OR IN THE HANGAR.
ALLOW HIM?
YOU DO NOT ALLOW BROCK SAMSON TO DO ANYTHING.
HE ALLOWS YOU TO LIVE.
AND EVERY DAY THAT HE DOES SO,
YOU SHOULD BOW DOWN AND THANK --
[KNOCK ON GLASS]
EW, MILK BREATH.
INCREDIBLE.
HANK, WE'VE GOT BIG TROUBLES.
THE APACHES ARE BACK!
WHAT?
LOOK, TEEPEE IN YOUR TRUNKS.
UGH.
MY PANTS ARE HAUNTED! MY PANTS ARE HAUNTED!
IT'S TIME.
YOU BETTER SKEDADDLE. THIS MIGHT GET HAIRY.
NO WOMEN, NO CHILDREN.
SO, YOU HAVE TURNED.
[YAWNS]
[HUMMING]
HMM?
HE-HELLO?
MISS COCKTEASE?
ANYONE?
HMM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU KEPT IT.
[SNIFFS]
[MOANS]
[MOANING]
I LIKE IT WITH THE BOOTS ON.
AAAH!
AAAH, YOU COCK TEASE!
[SCREAMS]
DOES IT HURT, MY LITTLE SAMSON?
LET MAMA KISS IT BETTER.
INCREDIBLE.
KIDDING! INCREDIBLE!
HEY, WAIT!
OH, SHE TOOK THE CIGARETTES!
OH. OW!
DO YOU WANT ME, HANK? YES, MA'AM.
YOUR FATHER WOULD NEVER LET US BE TOGETHER.
HE'S A BIG OLD DOODYHEAD
WHO WANTS ME ALL TO HIMSELF.
HE'S A JERK.
YES, HANK, HE IS.
BUT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
KILL POP, KILL POP, KILL POP!
YOU SHOULD TOTALLY KILL POP.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
YOU SHOULD KILL POP.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
[MOANS]
[GASPS]
FATHER. YES, HANK.
I WANT TO KILL YOU.
THAT'S NICE. PLAY PIRATE SOMEWHERE ELSE, BOY.
YOUR FATHER'S BUSY.
HANK, NO!
HEY, DON'T!
MOLTOV! I WANT TO...
COME ON, BABY!
WHOO!
STOP, SON!
STOP IT! STOP!
BACK! I DON'T HAVE ORDERS TO KILL YOU,
BUT I WILL IF YOU GET IN MY WAY.
PLEASE, THE COLONEL GAVE ME A MESSAGE FOR YOU.
"BROCK, I KNEW THEY'D SEND YOU.
AFTER 40 YEARS,
I'M FINALLY TIRED OF THE GAME.
THE YEARS OF SECRETS AND LIES,
OF LIVING WITH THE CONSTANT DANGER OF BEING EXPOSED.
I KNOW YOU'LL UNDERSTAND, BROCK!
I KNOW YOU'LL UNDERSTAND."
I HAVE MY ORDERS. HE'D UNDERSTAND THAT.
PLEASE, LET HIM HAVE HIS PEACE.
I INTEND TO.
WHAT THE --
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HIM?
ONLY WHAT SHE ASKED ME TO DO!
THIS MAN WAS LIKE A FATHER TO ME!
THINK OF THIS WOMAN LIKE A MOTHER TO YOU.
AAH!
YOUR FATHER. YOUR MOTHER.
YOUR FATHER.
YOUR MOTHER!
HE'S YOUR MOTHER!
NO WOMEN, NO CHILDREN.
I'LL SEE YOU AROUND, OLD FRIEND.
WHOO, THAT TOOK A LOT OUTTA ME.
YOU GONNA BE OKAY?
OKAY. HAD TO BE SURE.
CAPTIONING PROVIDED BY TURNER STUDIOS
ALL SET.
YOU CAN'T TELL ME YOU DON'T MISS
THE ACTION, THE DANGER.
THE MORAL AMBIGUITY, THE WEIRDNESS.
YET YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE HERE.
LAST CHANCE, SAMSON, WHAT'S YOUR ANSWER?
SORRY, MOL, BUT GO TEAM VENTURE.
BYE!
WHERE'S HANK? UP IN HIS ROOM.
OUR LITTLE MAN IS GROUNDED.
GET THIS, I'M WORKING IN THE LAB, RIGHT.
AND HANK SLEEPWALKS IN, HAULS OFF AND SMACKS ME IN THE HEAD
WITH A PAPER MACHE SWORD, PEES HIS PANTS, AND PASSES OUT.
SO, I DIDN'T MISS MUCH?
WHAT'S THERE TO MISS?