PART ONE OF...
CREATED BY TIM THE SELF-CREATED,
HATCHED BY THE SAME EGG FROM WHICH EMERGED RA.
BEHOLD THE PERFECT MAN.
RAISE HE WHO WILL REIGN OVER ALL.
THAT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE. IT LOOKS LIKE HE HATES HIS FOOT.
OH, STILL? HE'S BEEN DOING THAT ALL DAY.
YOU BOYS HAVE TO GET CALIGULA AND DR. FREUD BACK TO THE TIME MACHINE.
DON'T LET HIM ASK ABOUT ME!
WILL DO.
WAIT, WHERE'S THE HAND OF OSIRIS?
WE TOLD THE CALIGULA GUY TO HIDE IT.
[CLEARS THROAT]
OH, DEAR LORD.
NO, NO, JUST DROP IT THERE.
I'LL GET IT LATER.
I COMMAND YOU TO RELEASE THEM.
DROP TO YOUR KNEES, YOU IGNORANT SAVAGES.
I AM YOUR GIANT FOUR-ARMED GOD,
AND I MAKE LIGHT FROM ONE OF MY TWO SLIGHTLY SMALLER HANDS.
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
IT'S JUST A FLASHLIGHT. KILL THEM!
DEAN, STOP RIDING THE PERFECT MAN.
BROCK HAS TO KILL HIM NOW.
AW, CAN'T WE KEEP HIM?
YEAH, DAD, CAN'T WE? WE'LL FEED HIM
AND CLEAN UP AFTER HIM AND EVERYTHING.
SUPER SWEAR. PLEASE?
NO, HE'S AN ABOMINATION.
GO AHEAD, BROCK.
I HAVE MORE BULLETS, YOU KNOW?
YOU GOTTA STOP DOING THAT.
I KNOW, IT JUST LOOKED SO COOL.
WELL, GO GET IT.
FINE.
GIVE ME THE HAND OF OSIRIS.
GIVE ME HEAD.
YOU DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
WELL, I'M ABOUT TO KILL YOUR SONS.
JOIN THE CLUB.
BRING THEM TO THE HALL OF SORROWS.
AND NOW, TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC PART TWO
OF THE VENTURE BROTHERS IN
ESCAPE TO THE HOUSE OF MUMMIES.
UM, IS ANYBODY ELSE
NOT IMPRESSED BY THE HALL OF SORROWS?
YEAH, LOOKS MORE LIKE A BASEMENT THAN A HALL.
WHAT -- CAN YOU FIT THROUGH THERE?
I CAN'T FIT MY SHOULDERS IN. I BET YOU CAN FIT.
GREAT! WAY TO BE USELESS, DEAN.
WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, ALL I DID WAS CRAWL THROUGH HOLES --
HOLES HALF THAT SIZE, MIND YOU.
BUT IF YOU WANT A JOB DONE RIGHT, I HAVE TO DO IT.
BOY ADVENTURERS, WHAT DO YOU NEED -- A ROADMAP?
IT'S SIMPLE, DON'T GET SHOT BY THE YETI,
STUMBLE ON THE ROBOT FACTORY,
PULL UP A COUPLE OF RUBBER MASKS AND CRAWL THROUGH HOME.
[METAL CLANGING]
IS THAT SOUND WHAT I THINK IT IS?
OH, YEAH, THESE GUYS ARE PLAYING IT BY THE BOOK.
WE NEED TO COME UP WITH A PLAN FAST.
YOU SHOULD CALL DR. O. HE'S MAGIC!
THAT IS THE FIFTH TIME YOU'VE SUGGESTED THAT STUPID IDEA.
WE'RE NOT POSSESSED, WE'RE TRAPPED.
I'M GONNA GO BACK IN THAT HOLE. I THINK BETTER IN HOLES.
THAT'S ALL WE GOT, DOC.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL TRY HANK'S IDEA.
WILL YOU LISTEN TO WHAT YOU JUST SAID?
I KNOW IT SOUNDS INSANE,
BUT HANK HAS THE ONLY IDEA.
I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN CALL THAT SNAKE CHARMER FOR HELP.
HE'LL NEVER LET ME HEAR THE END OF IT.
BOYS, YOU HEARD YOUR FATHER. WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.
SO YOU MIGHT WANNA LINE YOURSELF UP SO THAT
THE SPIKES WILL PIERCE YOUR BRAIN OR HEART.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET STARTED POSITIONING OURSELVES!
NO FUN BLEEDING TO DEATH.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, FINE.
[BEEPING]
DR. ORPHEUS, MASTER OF MYSTICISM.
ORPHEUS, IT'S YOUR LANDLORD.
WE'RE TRAPPED IN A CLICHE.
USE YOUR FAKE IMPOSSIBLE MAGIC TO GET US OUT OF HERE.
WHAT? WELL, MR. VENTURE,
UH, I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THAT.
WELL, WHAT CAN YOU DO?
WELL, LET'S SEE, I COULD
PROJECT MYSELF THERE.
THAT'S IT? SUPER! COME ON OVER AND WATCH US DIE.
SPIKED WALLS ARE CLOSING IN ON US,
AND YOU WANNA PUT ON A PUPPET SHOW.
HANK, GET OFF THOSE SPIKES! IT'S NOT A RIDE.
AW!
SPIKED WALLS? HOW FAST?
SLOWER THAN HAUNTED HOUSE SPIKED WALLS,
BUT NOT AS SLOW AS EVIL SCIENTIST SPIKED WALLS.
GOOD!
DEAN, CAN YOU HEAR ME? YES.
DEAN, PICTURE MY DAUGHTER NAKED.
THINK OF HER AS YOURS.
LOOK, LUNATIC, STOP WORRYING ABOUT INHERITING MY ESTATE AND GET US OUT OF HERE.
VENTURE FAMILY, YOU MUST TRUST ME!
DEAN, THINK ONLY OF MY DAUGHTER KISSING YOU --
KISSING YOU ON THE MOUTH.
THINK HARDER, BOY!
SHE'S USING HER TONGUE!
THERE! I HAVE LOCATED YOU.
[GIBBERISH]
GEEZ. DIDN'T EXPECT THAT.
I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE BEFORE DEAN WAKES UP CRYING.
UH, I'LL BE BACK SOON WITH EXPENSIVE CRAP
TO GET YOU ALL OUT OF HERE.
WAKE UP!
WHICH ONE OF YOU BROKE THE HALL OF SORROWS?
I DON'T KNOW. WHY? WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN?
THOSE WALLS WERE SUPPOSED TO CRUSH YOU
AND THEN SCOLDING HOT OIL COMES OUT OF THE JACKAL'S MOUTH.
SORRY, WE MISSED IT.
OH, YEAH, OF COURSE. OIL.
YEAH, MAKES SENSE NOW.
I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME TO FILL IT WITH HOT VOILE.
WHAT THE HELL IS VOILE?
IT'S A SOFT SHEER FABRIC.
I WARMED SOME UP IN THE DRYER.
ARE YOU INSANE? WHAT KIND OF TORTURE IS THAT?
GET OUT OF HERE! I'M SERIOUS!
I DON'T EVEN WANNA LOOK AT YOU ANYMORE!
OOH. BELIEVERS THESE DAYS.
HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ANNOYING ONE?
WE ATE HIM. I AM LOSING MY PATIENCE!
HOLD ON, I GOTTA --
ACHOO!
BLESS YOU.
OH, GREAT, IT'S ALL FULL OF SPIT NOW.
AND IT SMELLS LIKE A WET CAT.
MR. VENTURE, ARE YOU IN NEED OF ASSISTANCE?
IT IS I, DR. ORPHEUS.
MR. VENTURE!
LAB, I'M IN THE LAB! YOU WINDBAG.
I WAS QUITE CONCERNED FOR YOUR WELLBEING.
I HAVE NOT SLEPT A WINK.
YOU'RE SAFE!
I AM PLEASED THAT I COULD HELP.
HELP, SCHMELP, BROCK AND THE BOYS ARE STILL TRAPPED, PROBABLY DEAD BY NOW.
WE MUST HELP THEM! NO DUH.
I HAVE A ZERO POINT MAGNET SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE
THAT'LL TAKE THOSE PYRAMID WALLS DOWN IN A JIFF, SO THANKS FOR NOTHING.
PYRAMID?
YEAH, WE WERE TRAPPED IN A PYRAMID.
SOME STUPID CULT MADE A TIME MACHINE.
WHAT PYRAMID CULT?
I DON'T KNOW -- PAPYRUS, OSIRIS, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
EVER HEARD OF HIM?
OSIRIS CULT? OSIRIS?
FIRST BORN SON OF THE WOMB OF NUT,
BEGOTTEN OF GEB, THE LORD OF ASET,
WHOSE EXISTENCE IS FOREVER LASTING!
YES, I'VE HEARD OF HIM.
DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING?
I DON'T KNOW -- CARD TRICKS AT CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTIES?
NO, SIR.
YOU STAND NOT ON SOLID GROUND.
BELOW THIS EARTH YOU TRUST TO BE SOLID
IS A NET.
THIS UNKNOWABLE SAFETY NET KEEPS YOUR SOFT PINK SIGNIFICANCE
FROM PLUNGING ETERNALLY TOWARDS OBLIVION.
MY JOB, SIR,
IS TO REPAIR THAT NET.
NOW THANK ME!
THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME FROM THE BOOGEYMAN.
I SAVED YOUR LIFE FROM HALFWAY AROUND THE GLOBE.
LOOK, KRESKIN, I HAVE 20 DEVICES IN THIS LAB THAT CAN DO THAT.
I'M A SUPER SCIENTIST.
MY FATHER WAS A SUPER SCIENTIST,
HIS FATHER WAS A SUPER SCIENTIST,
AND HIS FATHER WAS -- NO, WAIT. I THINK HE WAS A MILLINER.
EITHER WAY, I'M JUST NOT IMPRESSED WITH YOUR TRICKS.
TRICKS? HOW DARE YOU?
WITH JUST A THOUGHT I COULD RISE INTO THE AIR.
OR YOU COULD PUT ON THESE ANTI-GRAVITY BOOTS.
I COULD INCINERATE THIS ENTIRE LAB,
MAKE YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE
A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE OF BLOSSOM,
AND SHOOT LIGHTNING FROM MY HANDS.
OOH, LASER RAY,
MIND CONTROL HELMET, TESTACOIL.
ANYTHING ELSE?
ANY TIME ANY PLACE --
YOU NAME THE CONTEST.
WE SHALL CELEBRATE YOUR INFLATED SENSE OF SELF
WITH THE ULTIMATE CONTEST --
SHRINKING!
AND I, LIKE THE PUSS IN BOOTS,
SHALL GOBBLE YOU UP,
BONES AND ALL.
FINE, 8:00 TOMORROW, RIGHT HERE.
THE SMALLEST MAN IS THE BIGGEST MAN.
FINE! GOOD DAY, SIR.
GOOD BLAH BLAH, SIR.
AND I WOULDN'T BOTHER LOOKING FOR THAT SHRINK RAY
THAT YOUR FATHER BUILT.
YOU SOLD IT TO THE ALBINO AND HIS TINY COMPANION.
TA TA.
CRAP.
DEAN. DEAN?
I'M OVER HERE.
WHAT HAPPENED?
YEAH, CLARISSA, EXPLAIN IT ALL.
THAT GUY WITH THE BIRD HEAD, HE HAS THIS MUMMY ARMY.
AND ONE OF THE MUMMIES HAS A MAGIC SCEPTER.
DON'T MOVE, HANK. HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
WHAT?
HIM? OH, THAT'S JUST MUMMY MUM MUGGY.
HE'S A GOOD MUMMY, DEAN-O.
RIGHT? MUGGY FRIEND.
MUGGY LIKE HIS CHIN RUBBED.
WHO'S A GOOD MUMMY?
HEY, GET YOUR BROTHER'S HEAD AND FOLLOW ME.
THERE HAS TO BE A WAY OUT OF HERE.
MUGGY MIGHT KNOW.
WHERE'S THE EXIT? TELL US, BOY.
THIS IS GETTING STUPID. WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR FATHER?
YOU THAT IS TALL,
GO TO THE SMALL!
I COMMAND YOU
BY INTIMATE WHISPERS,
SHRINK!
OH, COME ON!
NO USE CRYING OVER SPILT MAGIC.
PUMPKIN, YOU STILL HAVE THAT DOLLHOUSE MEE-MAW GAVE YOU?
NO, NO, YOU'RE THINKING OF ROGER LAW.
JOE ROGAN IS THE HOST OF FEAR FACTOR.
OH, YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
BAD NEWS, BILLY. OUR PLACE HAS BEEN TRASHED.
WHAT? HOLY COW, GREAT NEWS!
GETTING BURGLARIZED IS GREAT NEWS?
THIS IS CLEAR EVIDENCE OF AN ARCHING.
AH, OUR OWN ARCH ENEMY.
WE HAVE ARRIVED.
I'M GONNA CHANGE INTO MY QUIZ BOY COSTUME.
[CLANG] HE'S STILL HERE, BILLY.
ALL RIGHT, NEMESIS, SHOW YOURSELF
AND YOU WILL BE SPARED A BLAST FROM MY LASER HAND.
DR. VENTURE?
YOU'RE OUR ARCH ENEMY?
YOU'VE COME TO STEAL OUR GREAT IDEAS.
YOU'VE BEEN FOILED. WE HAVE NONE.
WHAT THE HELL, RUST?
WHAT KINDA DICK BREAKS INTO HIS FRIEND'S HOUSE?
I NEED THAT SHRINK RAY I SOLD YOU.
YEAH, DON'T CALL US AND ASK FOR IT,
JUST BREAK INTO OUR HOME AND STEAL IT BACK.
I ALREADY APOLOGIZED FOR THAT.
NO, YOU DIDN'T. WHEN?
MAN, I ALMOST KILLED YOU WITH MY HAND.
ENOUGH, BILLY. EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR HAND DOESN'T SHOOT LASERS.
WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT, RUST?
I BET THAT POMPOUS LOUDMOUTH ORPHEUS
THAT I COULD SHRINK BETTER WITH SCIENCE
THAN HE COULD WITH MAGIC.
ISN'T THAT YOUR FRIEND? I MEAN, I'VE SEEN HIM MOWING YOUR LAWN.
SO YOU BREAK INTO OUR TRAILER?
DO YOU HAVE IT OR NOT?
HERE IT IS.
WHAT'D YOU DO, DRIVE OVER IT?
DON'T LOOK AT ME. ASK CAPTAIN KID OVER THERE.
IT DIDN'T WORK, SO I THOUGHT MAYBE
THERE WAS A TREASURE MAP OR SOMETHING STUCK IN IT.
WHAT THE -- DON'T BOTHER.
I'VE BEEN OVER THIS WITH HIM, LIKE, 1,000 TIMES.
WELL, YOU TWO HAVE TO HELP ME FIX IT.
RUSTY, YOU BROKE INTO OUR HOUSE AND TRASHED IT.
ALL RIGHT, FINE. I'LL PAY YOU.
THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR.
COME ON, MR. POE,
JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU PUT THE HAND OF OSIRIS,
AND I'LL LET YOU GO.
BASEMENT. UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS.
I GOTTA ADMIT, I ALWAYS WANTED
TO GET EDGAR ALLAN POE IN A HEAD LOCK.
THAT THING IS LIKE A PUMPKIN.
WE JUST COMPLETELY SCREWED UP THAT GUY'S LIFE
WITH OUR TIME MACHINE.
YOU THINK WE MESSED UP THE PAST?
I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
I KNEW IT!
PUMPKIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN YOUR ROOM?
SHOULDN'T YOU BE NOT IN YOUR ROOM?
MY WHOLE LIFE, I'VE BEEN AFRAID OF THAT CLOSET.
THERE'S ALWAYS THESE WEIRD LIGHTS
AND SOMETHING THAT SMELLS LIKE A BURNING BAND-AID.
BRIMSTONE.
OKAY, FINE, PORTHOLE TO THE BURNING NOWHERE.
YOU GOT ME.
DAD, I THOUGHT I WAS GOING CRAZY.
I MEAN, I'M STILL AFRAID OF THE CLOSET.
STILL!
I WEAR THE SAME THING EVERYDAY BECAUSE OF THAT CLOSET.
HOW WAS I TO KNOW?
COME NOW, ARCHIE AND HIS INDOLENT COMPANION JUGHEAD
WEAR THE SAME CLOTHES EVERYDAY.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN ADOLESCENT PHASE OF YOURS.
GREAT, MY CLOSET IS THE DOOR TO HELL.
THE NECROPOLIS -- A PORTHOLE TO THE NECROPOLIS.
IT HAD TO BE ON THE SOUTH SIDE OF THE APARTMENT.
AND SINCE YOU HAD TO HAVE A PRIVATE BATHROOM --
OH, THIS IS -- SLEEP!
IN YOUR SLEEP, ALL IS FORGOTTEN.
AAH! GOT IT!
WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT BEFORE?
I NEED MORE TIME. THERE'S TOO MANY VARIABLES.
OKAY, I'M DONE HERE.
MUCH MORE DIFFICULT THAN I EXPECTED.
WHAT HAVE YOU GUYS COME UP WITH FOR,
LET'S SAY, NUMBER TWO?
NUMBER TWO? RHEA PERLMAN. WHAT'D YOU PUT DOWN?
JOYCE DEWITT WAS NUMBER TWO.
NUMBER ONE -- BONNIE BEDELIA, MEOW.
THE MOTHER FROM DIE HARD?
THE STONE FOX FROM A MOTHER'S RIGHT --
THE ELIZABETH MORGAN STORY, YES. WHY? WHAT'D YOU PUT DOWN?
I MISUNDERSTOOD THE QUESTION.
NO, I WAS CONFUSED. IT WAS THE WORDING.
I'M SERIOUS. I DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT YOU MEANT BY "GUILTY PLEASURE."
GEEZ, BILLY. OILED GARBAGE BAG?
SWEAT SOCK?
OH, MY GOD, NUMBER THREE --
"MELON HEATED IN A MICROWAVE."
THAT'S VERY CREATIVE, BILLY.
I'M SURE YOUR MOTHER IS PROUD OF YOU.
HA HA HA, HILARIOUS. OKAY, LET'S GET BACK TO WORK.
I THINK WE'VE HAD ENOUGH FUN HERE.
OH, NO, FUN IS NUMBER FIVE --
"DUST BUSTER WITH CORNER ATTACHMENT."
THAT SOUNDS DANGEROUS.
I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION!
HELLO!
MASTER!
[ROARS]
OH, MAN, RIGHT ON THE NOSE.
OH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THAT STINGS.
MASTER? YES.
MAN! RIGHT ON THE [BLEEP] TIP OF MY SNOUT.
GOD. MY EYES ARE WATERING.
I'M SO SORRY, MASTER.
I DID NOT RECOGNIZE YOU IN YOUR ANIMAL FORM.
SO YOU SHOOT LIGHTNING AT MY FACE?
WAY TO THINK IT OUT, ORPHEUS.
NO WONDER YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS.
THAT'S A BIT HARSH. I HAVE MANY FRIENDS.
OH, NAME ONE,
AND DR. VENTURE DOESN'T COUNT.
LOOK, ORPHEUS, I KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE
AND I CHOSE THE FORM OF ARGOS
TO TEACH YOU A LITTLE LESSON.
DON'T YOU MEAN CERBERUS?
CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG, BUT ARGOS WAS ULYSSES' DOG.
HE HAD ONLY ONE HEAD.
SEE, SEE, THERE YOU GO. RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
YOU'RE A KNOW-IT-ALL, AND NO ONE LIKES A --
WAIT, HOLD ON A SEC.
I ONLY KNOW THAT I KNOW NOTHING.
WAY TO QUOTE SOMETHING I SAID LIKE A YEAR AGO.
BUT I'M SERIOUS, HOLD ON.
THIS OTHER HEAD LIKES TO CLEAN MY GENITALS WITH HIS MOUTH.
I KNOW IT SOUNDS WEIRD.
BUT LET HIM DO IT BECAUSE IT FEELS GREAT.
OH, YEAH.
THE PROBLEM IS I CAN TASTE IT.
SO I TASTE MY OWN GENITALS
IN MY MOUTH.
IT'S A CONUNDRUM.
MASTER, WHAT BEARING DOES THIS --
HEY, WILL YOU LET ME ENJOY THIS?
DAMN, DON'T YOU KNOW HOW GOOD THIS FEELS?
OH, NO, WAIT, I'M SORRY, YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU
BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD THIS FEELS.
MY WIFE LEFT ME
BECAUSE OF THE PERSISTENT ADVANCES OF A YOUNGER MAN.
NO, SHE LEFT YOU BECAUSE YOU SPENT MOST OF YOUR TIME WORKING.
WELL, YES, I WAS SAVING THE WORLD
FROM A SECRET PERIL!
AND YOUR PRECIOUS FREE TIME WAS SPENT
LIKE MR. ROGERS IN A CAPE.
SHE LEFT YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE A WUSSY.
Hank: THERE'S DAD!
WELL, IT'S ABOUT DAMNED TIME.
LOOKS LIKE HE'S BEEN CAPTURED AGAIN.
AND THERE'S YOUR BODY, DEAN-O. IT HAS AN EXTRA HEAD ON IT.
OH, NO, THEY CAPTURED ME, TOO!
HANK, WHAT YEAR DID YOU SET THE TIME MACHINE TO?
THE YEAR 1230 A.D.
YEAH, I'M PRETTY SURE
THAT YOU SET IT TO 12:30 A.M.
I'VE DONE IT AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT, SHE'S READY TO TEST.
WHO IS THE GUINEA PIG?
I'M AN ALBINO. I CAN'T EVEN GO TO THE BEACH WITHOUT EXPLODING.
THERE'S NO WAY I'M STANDING IN FRONT OF AN ANYTHING RAY.
SINGLE PARENT. THOSE BOYS NEED ME.
DON'T LOOK AT ME. I HAVE NOT LIVED ENOUGH,
FOR I HAVE NEVER TASTED THE FLOWER OF A WOMAN.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YEAH, TASTED A FLOWER? IS THAT A DIRECT METAPHOR?
'CAUSE I DON'T TAKE MANY TRIPS DOWN SOUTH MYSELF.
YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING.
I MEAN, I HAVEN'T SAMPLED THE FRUITS OF THE FAIRER SEX.
WHAT'S WITH THE POETRY, WORDSWORTH?
JUST SAY IT. SAY, "I AM A VIRGIN."
I KNOW IT.
BILLY, THAT MAKES YOU THE BEST CANDIDATE TO TAKE A RAY BLAST.
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE. YOU'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING.
THE WAY I LOOK AT IT, IT'S NOT EVEN MURDER.
IT'S A VERY LATE ABORTION.
WAIT, GIVE ME 24 HOURS TO EXPERIENCE LOVE.
LET ME KNOW THE GENTLE CARESS OF A WOMAN.
LET ME SLEEP IN THE SHADE OF LOVE'S BOUGH.
I WILL RETURN TO YOU, I WILL RETURN KNOWING THE SWEET TASTE --
I VOTE BILLY.
ALL RIGHT, VIRGIN, GET ON THE TARGET.
GET BEHIND THE EAR. OH, YEAH, THAT RULES.
YOU REALLY THINK SHE DOESN'T RESPECT ME?
ORPHEUS, HOW CAN SHE RESPECT YOU WHEN SHE SEES
YOU GET TREATED LIKE DIRT BY DR. VENTURE?
THEN YOU LET HER STAY OUT ALL NIGHT PARTYING.
PARTYING? MY DAUGHTER DRINKS?
SHE TOLD ME HER FRIENDS DO, BUT SHE --
MAN, YOU ARE SUCH A SUCKER.
OH, LOOK AT THE LEG. LOOK AT THE BACK LEG.
THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
IT JUST KEEPS KICKING. IS THAT AMAZING?
WELL, AT LEAST YOU HIT HIM THIS TIME.
ANYTHING HAPPEN? NOTHING.
I TOLD YOU THE PHOSPHATES WERE TOO OLD.
NO, IT WORKED.
YOU SHRANK MY LUNGS.
WHOA, RUSTY! MAN!
WHAT?
I CAN'T BREATHE OVER HERE.
IT'S GONNA GET WORSE.
YOU REMEMBER THAT SOUND MY CHAIR MADE A SECOND AGO?
THAT WASN'T THE CHAIR.
IT'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE, BILLY.
OH, THINK DEVILED EGGS.
I HATE YOU GUYS.
HANK, YOU AND CALIGULA KEEP UP THE REAR.
NO, ON SECOND THOUGHT,
YOU AND FREUD SHOULD DO IT.
CALIGULA, YOU TAKE THE SECOND WAVE ALONE.
READY DEAN?
WHOA, STEADY PERFECT MAN.
READY, BROCK!
WHEN THE GATES OPEN, ME, POE, AND ME RUSH IN.
YOU GOT THAT?
YOU'RE GONNA KILL HIM WHEN HE SHOWS UP, AREN'T YA?
OH, YOU KNOW IT.
CHARGE!
AAH! MY EAR.
SORRY. WHAT HAPPENED?
WE SHRANK YOUR HEAD ONLY.
I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE MOUNTED IT.
NICE SHOT, WILLIAM BURROUGHS.
YOU HOLD THE GUN LIKE A GUY THAT PLAYS RIVEN.
NOW SWITCH TO REVERSE AND FIX ME.
WHITE, ARE YOU EVEN AIMING?
YOU WANT ME TO GO IN THE BACKYARD AND SHRINK SOME CANS FIRST?
I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE, YOU KNOW.
PUT IT IN REVERSE AND FIX ME!
ALL RIGHT, BILLY, YOU NEED TO RELAX.
NICE.
YOU SHRANK THE WHOLE ROOM.
WOW. I GOTTA GET A CAMERA.
YOU LOOK LIKE TOBY MAGUIRE IN A BAD HULK COSTUME.
I NEED A MIRROR.
I AM A RUBE.
I HAVE BEEN FOOLING MYSELF
MY WHOLE LIFE.
MAKES YOU FEEL PRETTY SMALL, HUH?
I AM AN INSECT.
LOOK AT THAT.
WE ARE NOTHING IN THE EYES OF THE COSMOS --
TINY MEN GOING ABOUT OUR TINY DAYS,
BELIEVING WE MEAN SOMETHING.
WE ARE NOTHING.
ORPHEUS, YOU ARE MY BEST AND BRIGHTEST PUPIL,
EVEN IF YOU DO TASTE A LITTLE SALTY.
YOU'RE READY, ORPHEUS.
NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS CLOSET
AND GO WIN THAT INCREDIBLY GAY CONTEST.
GO! GO!
ARE YOU SURE THAT THIS WAS THE SIZE OF MY HEAD BEFORE?
POSITIVE.
WHAT IF WE CROSS-CIRCUIT THE ACCELERATOR?
IT MIGHT GIVE US MORE OHMS OR SOMETHING?
GIVE UP, WHITE.
I LOSE. IT'S 8:00.
COME ON, YOU'RE RUSTY VENTURE. NEVER SAY DIE.
DIE. I SAID IT.
FORGET IT, I'M NOT MY DAD.
I CAN'T EVEN FIX SOMETHING THAT HE INVENTED.
I WAS A GOOD BOY ADVENTURER, BUT I SUCK AT THIS.
YOU WEREN'T A GOOD BOY ADVENTURER, YOU WERE THE BEST.
HOLD ON, LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
Orpheus: HELLO? MR. VENTURE.
LAB!
YOU WIN. WHAT?
I CANNOT MAKE MYSELF ANY SMALLER THAN I AM NOW.
YOU WIN.
KNEW IT, YOU CHARLATAN!
HOW MUCH WAS THE BET FOR? IT WAS A MILLION DOLLARS, RIGHT?
NOTHING, A GENTLEMAN'S BET. HOW SMALL DID YOU GET?
ME, YEAH, IT NEVER WORKED RIGHT.
COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME. IF YOU KEPT YOUR MOUTH SHUT,
YOU WOULD HAVE WON THE GENTLEMAN.
SNACKS! GOOD CALL! I'M STARVED OVER HERE.
DR. VENTURE, LOOK AT THE BOX.
I HAVEN'T SEEN ONE OF THOSE IN YEARS.
YEP, A RUSTY VENTURE LUNCHBOX.
IT'S NOT THE ONE I HAD WHEN I WAS A KID.
THIS ONE I GOT ON EBAY.
I CAN'T USE THE THERMOS BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE OLD MILK.
PLUS SOME KID PUT THUNDERCAT STICKERS ALL OVER IT.
WHY DO YOU HAVE ONE OF THESE?
CAN'T YOU SEE, MR. VENTURE?
YOU WERE THE LITTLE BOY MAN'S HERO.
YOU WERE THE REASON I BECAME A BOY GENIUS.
YEAH, RUST, EVERY KID WANTED TO BE YOU.
YEAH, I WAS PRETTY COOL.
THAT'S ME ON THE PTERODACTYL.
TOOK HIM DOWN MYSELF.
YES, YOU WERE PRETTY COOL.
LET US RETIRE TO MY SITTING ROOM.
I SHALL WHIP UP A BATCH OF MY FAMOUS RICE PUDDING!
I FEEL LIKE WE HAVE FORGOTTEN TO DO SOMETHING.
OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT!
I FORGOT TO TURN OFF THE LIGHTS.
CAPTIONING PROVIDED BY TURNER STUDIOS
NEXT WEEK, ON THE VENTURE BROS...
I-I CAN'T MAKE IT.
I WANNA DIE.
I WANT THE CAVEMEN TO EAT ME.
HANG ON, HANK! CUT HIM OPEN!
WE'RE GONNA PUT THE BOY IN THERE.
[SHARP INHALE]
I THOUGHT HE SMELLED BAD
ON THE OUTSIDE.
AAAH!