>> MAYDAY!
MAYDAY!
WE HAVE BROKEN ORBIT!
REPEAT: "GARGANTUA 1" HAS BROKEN ORBIT!
WE'VE LOST STABILIZERS!
RETROROCKETS ARE OFFLINE AND ALL FAIL SAFES HAVE, WELL,
FAILED!
HOUSTON, DO YOU COPY?!
WE'RE DONE FOR, ANNA.
MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR HIGHER POWER.
>> THERE IS ONE THING WE COULD TRY.
>> ANNA!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
RESTRAIN YOURSELF!
[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]
[FANFARE PLAYING] [CHEERING]
>> [SCOFFS] LOOK AT THAT.
CLAMORING FOR A PIECE OF THAT BIG PHONY.
THAT SHOULD BE ME UP THERE.
>> REALLY?
WHY IS THAT EXACTLY?
>> IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE?
WHOSE SPACE STATION JUST SAVED THE WORLD, MANSTRONG'S?
NO, MINE.
HE WAS JUST ALONG FOR THE RIDE.
THEY MIGHT AS WELL GIVE A MEDAL TO THE SEATS WHILE THEY'RE
PINNING ONE ON LUCK ROGERS OVER THERE.
>> LUCK ROGERS?
>> HA HA.
YOU LIKE THAT.
I ALMOST SAID FLASH "IN THE PAN" GORDON.
>> GLAD YOU DIDN'T.
>> NO PICTURES, SON.
>> HEY!
AW, GYP!
>> HEY, HEY!
>> [GRUNTING] YEAH.
JOIN THE BUSH CLUB.
>> SAMPSON.
>> HOUSER.
>> SAMPSON.
>> HOUSER.
>> SAMPSON...
>> WHAT'S THE MATTER, COULDN'T HACK FIELD WORK ANY
MORE, SO THEY MADE YOU WHITE HOUSE HALL MONITOR?
>> YOU LISTEN TO ME, AND YOU LISTEN TO ME GREAT, SAMPSON.
YOU MAY BE A WEST SIDE, BUT HERE AT THE WHITE HOUSE,
YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER CIVILIAN.
AND I GOT MY EYES ON YOU.
BOTH OF YOU.
>> UH.
FRIEND OF YOURS?
>> WE WERE IN NAM TOGETHER.
>> OH.
WAIT.
YOU WERE, LIKE, 10 DURING VIETNAM.
>> OH, I DIDN'T SAY DURING THE WAR.
>> THERE I WAS GRAPPLING WITH THE CONTROLS OF THE PROUD AND
MIGHTY GRAND DAME OF THE STARS AS SHE BURNED UP ON REENTRY.
>> [GASPS] >> OH, LET HIM HAVE HIS MOMENT.
I'LL HAVE MY TURN AS SOON AS THE PRESIDENT GETS A LOAD OF A
CERTAIN LITTLE SOMETHING SOMETHING I JUST HAPPENED TO
BRING ALONG.
>> OH, TELL ME YOU DIDN'T BRING THAT THING WITH YOU.
>> UCCH!
DO YOU HATE THESE THINGS AS MUCH AS I DO?
BUNCH OF BACK-PATTING PHONIES.
AT LEAST THE WINE IS DECENT.
KEEP IT COMING, HONEY.
>> AND THE NEXT THING I KNEW, I WAS WAKING UP IN AN ARMY
HOSPITAL IN IRANISTAN.
>> REALLY?
AND THAT'S ALL YOU REMEMBER ABOUT THE WHOLE DARNED THING?
>> UNFORTUNATELY, YES.
HA.
I SUPPOSE IT WAS THAT NASTY BUMP ON THE HEAD I TOOK IN THE CRASH.
>> MANSTRONG?
COLONEL BUD MANSTRONG, CAN YOU HEAR ME?
HE'S COMING OUT OF IT.
THE PROCEDURE WAS A SUCCESS.
>> WHAT ABOUT THE CHIP?
>> IT'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
>> HEY!
WHO'S YOUR FRIEND OVER HERE?
>> THAT'S BROCK SAMPSON.
BUT HE IS NO FRIEND OF MINE.
>> TOO BAD.
>> REMEMBER WHEN I CALLED TO TELL YOU I'D BEEN ACCOSTED ON
"GARGANTUA 1"?
>> OF COURSE I DO.
OH, THE TEARS.
THE SNIFFLING.
>> YES, WELL...
HE'S THE FELLOW WHO DID IT.
>> HIM?
SO, WHY'D YOU BEAT MY LITTLE BOY UP AND STEAL HIS GIRLFRIEND,
BLONDIE?
>> OH, MOTHER.
>> DON'T SAY TOO MUCH, DO YOU.
WELL, THAT'S OK.
I LIKE THE STRONG AND SILENT TYPES.
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A TOAST TO COLONEL BUD MANSTRONG--
A MAN OF BRAVERY, INTEGRITY, AND INDOMITABLE SPIRIT--
>> OH, QUIT BLOWING SMOKE UP THE BOY'S ASS, BREYER.
WE ALL KNOW THE REAL REASON BUD'S HERE: YOUR
ADMINISTRATION'S IN THE CRAPPER, AND YOU NEED MRS. MANSTRONG'S
LITTLE BOY SCOUT ON THE TEAM TO POLISH THAT TURD.
>> UH...
HA.
TO BUD.
>> WHOOPSIE.
>> MOTHER!
YOU CAN'T TALK TO THE PRESIDENT LIKE THAT.
>> WELL, I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIM.
LISTEN, YOU JUST KEEP SMILING AND LET YOUR MOTHER DEAL WITH
THE POLITICS.
HE'S EMBARRASSED BY HIS MOTHER.
I BREAST-FED THIS ONE TILL HE LOST HIS BABY TEETH, AND HE'S
EMBARRASSED BY ME?
>> OH, MOTHER!
>> PRUDISH.
TAKES AFTER HIS FATHER, THE LATE SENATOR, GOD REST HIS SOUL.
MAN COULDN'T FIND A G-SPOT WITHOUT A SENATE SUBCOMMITTEE.
>> OH, MOTHER!
>> SAY, BUD-- OR IS IT BUDLY?
BUDWARD?
WHAT'S BUD SHORT FOR?
>> NOTHING.
IT'S JUST BUD.
>> YEAH?
OH.
SEEING AS HOW YOU'RE ALL TIGHT WITH THE BIG GUY--BECAUSE YOU
BROKE MY SPACE STATION--I WAS WONDERING IF MAYBE YOU MIGHT PUT
IN A GOOD WORD FOR ME-- >> WHY DON'T YOU STOP BOTHERING
MY SON, YOU AWFUL LITTLE NOBODY!
VULTURES, BUDDY.
EVERYONE'S GONNA WANT A PIECE OF YOU NOW, BUT YOU DON'T GIVE 'EM
A THING.
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!
>> YES, MOTHER.
>> COLONEL BUD MANSTRONG, LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER.
>> YES, MOTHER.
>> SO, THEN THE TEACHER SAID, "JOHNNY DEEPER!"
AND SO HE'S STICKS IT IN DEEPER.
WHAT?!
>> SERIOUSLY, LADY!
KNOCK IT OFF!
I'M NOT INTO IT!
>> SMOOTH.
>> WELL...
PERHAPS WE SHOULD CALL IT A NIGHT, EH, FOLKS?
THANK Y'ALL FOR COMING, AND PLEASE, LET'S...
LET'S HAVE ANOTHER ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR THE GOOD COLONEL.
COME ON.
HANDS TOGETHER.
YOU, TOO.
UH, BUD, WHY DON'T YOU COME SEE ME
PRIVATELY IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
>> TSK, TSK.
YOU BOYS BETTER COME WITH ME.
>> BUT...
JOHNNY DEEPER!
>> I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, SIR.
MOTHER IS...
HEADSTRONG.
SHE SPEAKS HER MIND AND ONE HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO LISTEN.
>> OH, NOW DON'T YOU SWEAT IT, COLONEL HANGDOG.
YOUR MOTHER'S RIGHT.
MY ADMINISTRATION'S UP TO ITS ASS IN SCANDAL.
HELL, MY V.P. IS UNDER INDICTMENT.
ANYWAYS, I'M UP FOR REELECTION IN NOVEMBER.
AND I DON'T HAVE A CHINAMAN'S CHANCE UNLESS I FIND ME A
SQUEAKY-CLEAN RUNNING MATE.
GOOD LUCK IN THIS TOWN THOUGH.
CIGAR?
>> WELL...
I DON'T USUALLY PARTAKE, BUT, SHUCKS!
I'M NOT IN AN OXYGEN-RICH ENVIRONMENT ANYMORE!
AND HOW CAN ONE DECLINE AN OFFER FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THESE
UNITED STATES?
>> OH, WAIT.
NOT THAT ONE.
I'M GLAD YOU FEEL THAT WAY, BUD, 'CAUSE I'VE GOT A PROPOSITION
FOR YOU.
HOW'D YOU LIKE TO BE VICE PRESIDENT?
>> [GASPS] ME?!
>> HELL, YEAH, YOU!
WHO'D YOU THINK I'M TALKING ABOUT?
YOU'RE A GENUINE HERO, BOY.
THE BUREAU CAN'T FIND A DAMN THING ON YOU.
AND, PLUS, YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT OF THE EYE CANDY FOR THE LADIES.
SPEAKING OF WHICH...
TAKE YOUR PICK.
>> I'M NOT SURE I FOLLOW YOU, SIR.
>> ANY OF MY SECRETARIAL STAFF-- EXCEPT THE ONE ON THE BLUE DRESS
THAT SMELLS LIKE THIS.
>> OH, DEAR LORD!
>> HA HA!
THAT PHYLLIS' GOT MY NAME WRITTEN ALL OVER HER!
HA HA HA.
LITERALLY!
I ONCE WROTE MY NAME ON THE FRONT OF MY DRESS WITH THE TIP
OF MY-- >> OH, NO!
I'M NOT HEARING THIS!
GOOD EVENING, SIR!
[GROANS] >> [SNIFFS]
UH, CASS?
I'LL TAKE THAT BLOWJOB NOW.
>> NOW, YOU BOYS GET YOURSELVES TO SLEEP, AND DON'T YOU WORRY
ABOUT A THING.
I'M JUST GONNA GET SOME CLUB SODA ON THESE HERE STAINS BEFORE
THEY SET.
ALL YOUR TROUBLES BE OVER.
>> I DON'T THINK CLUB SODA CAN FIX MY PROBLEM.
>> HA HA.
CHILD.
LITTLE CLUB SODA GET OUT MOST ANYTHING.
>> WAIT!
DON'T LEAVE!
>> DUDE, WHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE?
>> I--I SAW SOMETHING.
I THINK THIS PLACE IS...
HAUNTED.
>> OH, YOU'RE JUST BEING SUPERSTITIOUS.
>> I AM NOT!
JUST EXTRASTITIOUS.
THERE'S SOMETHING WIGGY GOING ON.
I CAN FEEL IT.
IT'S LIKE--LIKE WE'RE BEING WATCHED.
>> YEAH, WELL, DUH.
>> LINCOLN BEDROOM IS SECURE.
OVER.
>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
SLOW DOWN, BUDDY.
TELL MAMA WHAT HAPPENED.
>> IT WAS HORRIBLE, MOTHER.
THAT DROOLING FOUL-MOUTH PERVERT OF A MAN--AND CRUDE!
HE SAID THE MOST DISGRACEFUL, RIBALDROUS THINGS.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
DID HE OFFER YOU VICE PRESIDENT?
>> HE DID.
AND I TOLD HIM HE COULD JUST TAKE THAT JOB AND HE COULD--
HE COULD STICK--HE COULD TAKE IT AND HE COULD STICK THE JOB IN--
AND I RAN AWAY!
>> THEN GET BACK IN THERE AND TELL HIM YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND.
YOU WANT ME TO COME WITH YOU AND SHOW YOU HOW--
LIKE WHEN MAMA HELD YOUR PEE-PEE AND TAUGHT YOU HOW TO MAKE YOUR
SISSIES?
>> BUT, MOTHER, YOU SAID NOT TO GIVE ANYONE
ANYTHING.
>> WITHOUT GETTING SOMETHING IN RETURN, BUDDY.
YOU GOTTA MAKE HIM PAY, BUDDY.
>> BUT I DON'T WANT-- >> COLONEL BUD MANSTRONG,
LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER.
YOU WILL GO BACK IN THERE AND TAKE THIS JOB BECAUSE IT
WILL PUT YOU NEXT TO THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD.
NOW, BE A MAN AND DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE.
>> OH, COME ON, BROCK.
JUST BUY ME 5 MINUTES.
I'VE BEEN PRACTICING MY PITCH ALL WEEK.
>> AAGH!
YOU JUST HAVE NO CLUE, DO YOU?
THESE AREN'T A BUNCH OF FAKE PIRATES OR DINKS IN RUBBER
BUTTERFLY SUITS, DOC.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THAT UNITED STATES SECRET SERVICE.
>> PLEASE.
WE'LL BOTH BE OFF THE HOOK WHEN HE FEASTS HIS EYES ON WHAT I'VE
GOT TO OFFER.
THIS THING SELLS ITSELF.
IF IT DOESN'T, I CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY YOU THIS MONTH.
>> YOU DON'T PAY ME.
>> WHY DO YOU KEEP LOOKING AROUND?
YOU'RE REALLY AFRAID OF THAT HAUSER GUY, AREN'T YOU?
>> NO.
MANSTRONG'S MOM.
SHE'S GOT A FEW DRINKS IN HER, AND SHE TRIED TO FREE NELSON
MANDELA UNDER THE TABLE.
>> UGH!
SAY...
OK, PLAN B.
YOU THROW THE OLD BROAD A MERCY LAY, AND IN EXCHANGE SHE
SWEET-TALKS THE PRESIDENT FOR ME.
>> NICE SCENE YOU MADE AT DINNER, SAMPSON.
DON'T EVER EMBARRASS THE PRESIDENT LIKE THAT AGAIN.
I DON'T THINK THE AGENCY COULD POSSIBLY DEMOTE YOU ANY LOWER
THAN THEY ALREADY HAVE.
BUT I HEAR THERE'S AN OPENING IN THE MAIL ROOM...
HELSINKI BRANCH.
HA HA HA.
[CELL PHONE RINGS] I GOTTA TAKE--
I GOT A CALL.
I GOTTA TAKE THIS.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, DOC?
YOU'RE ON.
>> REALLY?
PLAN A OR PLAN B?
>> [SHUDDERING]
[WHIMPERING]
>> VENTURE BROTHERS!
YOU MUST HELP ME!
COLONEL MANSTRONG IS GOING TO ASSASSINATE THE PRESIDENT!
>> HANK, WAKE UP!
IT'S THE GHOST OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN!
>> WHO?
>> MR. PRESIDENT
YOU--YOU--YOU, BUT...
WELL...
JUST DO IT, BUDDY.
>> MR. PRESIDENT...
[GUNSHOT] >> OH, MY GOD!
>> [GRUNTING] >> OH, HELLO, DR. VENTURE.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, IF I COULD JUST HAVE A MOMENT OF YOUR
VALUABLE TIME, I HAVE SOMETHING AMAZING TO SHOW YOU!
>> SECURITY BREECH!
SECURITY BREECH!
DAMN IT!
HAUSER, WHERE ARE YOU?!
>> WHOO!
>> THANK GOD!
ARREST THIS MA-- HEY, YOU'RE NOT MY GUY.
>> GOT ABOUT A MINUTE, DOC.
MAKE IT COUNT.
>> HEAR ME OUT, YOUR EXCELLENCY.
IF YOU'RE ANYTHING LIKE ME, THEN YOU'RE SUPER CONCERNED
ABOUT SECURITY.
BECAUSE IN THESE UNCERTAIN TIMES, WHAT COULD BE MORE
IMPORTANT THAN THE SAFETY OF YOUR FAMILY, YOUR HOME, YOUR
COUNTRY, AND YOUR TROOPS ON THE BATTLEFIELD.
>> HEY, DOWN IN FRONT, STICK!
WE WERE TALKING HERE!
>> ALLOW ME TO FORMALLY MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE WITH THE
VENTURE DOME, THE WORLD'S FIRST FULLY PORTABLE BATTERY-POWERED
INVISIBLE FORCE FIELD.
>> GUN!
>> A MICROCHIP!
MICROCHIP!
IT'S IN THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.
HIS MOTHER IS USING IT TO CONTROL HIM, AND SHE'S GOING TO
MAKE HIM ASSASSINATE THE PRESIDENT.
>> UH...
IT JUST SOUNDS A LITTLE FAR-FETCHED.
>> YEAH.
THANK YOU.
I'M GLAD YOU SAID IT.
>> WHAT--I-- DIDN'T EITHER OF YOU SEE
"THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE"?
NOT EVEN THE REMAKE WITH DENZEL?
COME ON.
I'VE BEEN DEAD FOR 7 SCORE YEARS AND EVEN--
>> WHO IS THIS GUY?
>> ABRAHAM LINCOLN!
16th PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!
COME ON!
YOU'RE KIDDING ME!
>> YEAH, DIDN'T YOU LEARN ANYTHING IN BED?
>> ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS?
I'M THE $5.00 BILL GUY.
>> YOU INVENTED THE $5.00 BILL?
>> YES, HANK.
YES, I DID.
DEAN, YOU SEEM A LITTLE MORE ON THE BALL HERE.
HELP ME STOP MANSTRONG.
>> WHY DO YOU NEED US?
>> BECAUSE I'M IMMATERIAL.
LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S A NO-GO.
NEED TO POSSESS ONE OF YOUR BODIES--JUST FOR A LITTLE
WHILE--TILL I CAN STOP HIM.
WILL ONE OF YOU DO THAT FOR ME?
FOR THE UNION?
>> NOT IT!
>> ONE, TWO, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
JINX!
YOU OWE ME A COKE!
>> OH!
>> YOU ARE IN FOR A WORLD OF SUCK, MISTER.
WHY ARE YOU MEN LOLLY-GAGGING?!
LOCK THIS JACKASS UP.
>> THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU.
SOUND-PROOF.
>> WHAT THE SAM-CRAZY...
>> IT'S A FORCE FIELD-- OF MY OWN DESIGN.
>> ALL RIGHT, TURN IT OFF, SMART FACE.
>> YOU SMASHED THE REMOTE.
>> WELL, UNPLUG IT THEN--WHATEVER.
>> WHAT AM I, AN AMATEUR?
IT'S BATTERY-POWERED.
EXCELLENT FOR ARMIES IN THE FIELD.
>> ALL IN A PACKAGE THIS SMALL?
>> STAND BACK, SIR.
>> UH, I WOULDN'T DO THAT.
THEY'RE NUCLEAR BATTERIES.
>> NUCULAR?
>> WELL, THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY A WORD, BUT, YES.
>> ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, WE GOT A SITUATION HERE.
I'M GONNA NEED TROOPS.
>> NOT GONNA WORK EITHER.
JAMS RADIOS, PHONES, INTERCOMS-- ONLY ON THE DELUXE MODEL, OF
COURSE.
>> SO, HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET OUT OF HERE?
>> WELL, IT'LL RUN OUT OF JUICE ON IT'S OWN IN ABOUT, OH...
WHAT'S THE HALF-LIFE ON COBALT AGAIN?
>> 5.24 YEARS.
>> 5.24 YEARS...
GIVE OR TAKE.
>> YES, YES.
OF COURSE, GENERAL.
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.
SORRY, HON.
GOTTA WORK TONIGHT.
NATIONAL EMERGENCY.
>> LITTLE MAN NEED NED HELP?
NED PROTECT LITTLE MAN.
>> NO, NO, NED.
THANK YOU.
I WON'T BE IN ANY DANGER.
>> NED LOVE LITTLE MAN!
>> [GRUNTING] OK!
A LITTLE TOO TIGHT, NED!
>> UH-OH, UH-OH!
NED GIVE LITTLE MAN THE BRAIN VEIN.
>> OH, IT'S OK, NED.
YOU READY, CAPTAIN?
>> GASSED UP AND ON THE RUNWAY, CHAIRMAN.
>> DON'T WAIT UP, HON.
MMM!
>> [GASPS]
>> EW!
DUDE!
WHAT THE DILLY?!
>> DID IT WORK?
WHAT HAPPENED?
>> HONEST ABE'S A MO, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!
>> SORRY!
SORRY!
OH, WHAT CAME OVER ME?
I WAS JUST A BIT OVERWHELMED IN A BODY AGAIN.
ALL THOSE HORMONES!
WHOO!
JUST--ALL RIGHT.
JUST LET ME TRY THIS AGAIN.
I'M READY FOR IT THIS TIME.
WHO'S TRIANA, BY THE WAY?
>> AAGH!
JUST GET IN.
>> AND NO FUNNY BUSINESS.
>> YES, ALREADY.
LIKE YOU BOYS NEVER EXPERIMENTED.
>> DEAN!
>> THERE.
YOU'RE SAFE NOW, SIR.
I'VE SECURED A PERIMETER.
>> THAT'S GREAT, HAUSER.
>> YOU HEAR THAT, PEOPLE.
NOBODY CROSSES THIS LINE.
OH, YOU THINK YOU COULD MAYBE NOT SMOKE IN HERE?
>> FINE.
>> THANK YOU.
OH.
AW.
IT'S STILL GOING.
OH, NOW THE OTHER ONE'S CAUGHT.
NICE ONE.
EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH TURNS TO SUCK.
IT'S OFFICIAL.
OH, NO!
THEY CALLED MY BROTHER?
COULD THIS BE ANY MORE EMBARRASSING?
YEAH, ALL RIGHT, HI.
I SEE YOU.
GO TO HELL.
>> WELL, DOC, CAN YOU BREAK IT DOWN OR WHAT?
>> WELL, I COULD TRY TO GENERATE AN ARTIFICIAL
EINSTEIN-ROSEN BRIDGE, BUT I CAN'T GUARANTEE WE WOULDN'T BE
SUCKED INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION.
WELL!
HEY, THERE, NEPHEW!
WHAT ARE YOU-- DOING?
>> THAT LITTLE BASTARD.
HOW'D HE DO THAT?
>> GOTTA GO.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO THERE, DEAN?
>> WE'RE HELPING OUR NEW GHOST PAL.
>> WELL, AIN'T THAT SOMETHING.
I WISH MY BOY HAD THAT KIND OF CREATIVITY.
>> COLONEL MANSTRONG'S GOING TO ASSASSINATE THE PRESIDENT.
>> IT'S NOT REALLY HIS FAULT THOUGH.
HIS MOM'S CONTROLLING HIM.
>> DON'T GIVE ME THAT PSYCHO-BABBLE, SON.
AFTER A CERTAIN AGE, A MAN NEEDS TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS
OWN ACTIONS.
>> UM, OK.
>> SURE.
MAYBE IF I HAD HUGGED MY THICK-HEADED SON MORE, HE
WOULDN'T HAVE STARTED THEM FIRES OR STOLEN ALL THAT LACROSSE
EQUIPMENT, BUT, DAMN IT, SOMETIMES THEY'RE JUST BAD
APPLES.
>> DAMNATION!
FORCE FIELD.
I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING.
SORRY, DEAN.
OK, OK.
NEW PLAN.
>> WELL, YOU JUST K.O.ed UNCLE SAM.
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST DO THAT TO AN ASTRONAUT AND HIS MOM?
>> THAT'S NOT UNCLE SAM, IT'S ME!
COULDN'T LAY A GLOVE ON IT IF IT WEREN'T.
I CAN ONLY MOVE THINGS IN THE MATERIAL WORLD THAT BEAR MY
IMAGE.
WAIT!
THAT PENNY IN YOUR POCKET, DEAN.
I WAS ABLE TO GET THAT THROUGH THE FORCE FIELD.
THAT'S IT.
>> WE BUILD A GUN MADE OUT OF PENNIES!
>> EXACTLY!
WAIT, NO!
THAT'S INSANE.
BUT I HAVE ANOTHER IDEA.
BOYS, I NEED $5.00 BILLS-- SCORES OF THEM!
10 SCORE AT LEAST.
>> HOW ARE WE GONNA FIND THAT MANY?
>> HOW, HOW?
WHAT ARE YOU, AN OWL?
HE CAN MAKE THEM WITH HIS MAGIC.
>> FOR THE LAST TIME, HANK, I'M A GHOST, NOT A GENIE.
YOU TWO MUST FIND A WAY!
>> WAIT!
DOES IT MATTER IF IT'S THE NEW FIVES OR THE OLD ONES?
>> I PREFER THE NEW ONES.
BUT WHATEVER!
GO, GO!
>> SCORE.
THANK YOU, AMBASSADOR MBATU.
>> WELL...
I PROMISED MY WIFE AND JESUS I WOULDN'T ANYMORE.
BUT THINGS BEING AS THEY ARE, WELL...
>> THANK YOU, NO, SIR.
I'M ON DUTY.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
PERIMETER!
>> DO SOMETHING.
>> AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT CARES ABOUT--
AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT CARES ABOUT PERIMETERS?
'CAUSE I'M STARTING TO THINK I AM, AND I DON'T--
AND I DON'T LIKE IT.
>> MOTHER'S HAD...
A BIT TOO MUCH ALREADY.
>> HOW ABOUT YOU?
>> I DON'T DRINK.
>> [SIGHS] I'M SORRY.
>> HMM.
FOR WHAT?
>> LIEUTENANT BALDAVICH.
I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
THAT WASN'T COOL.
>> MR. SAMPSON...
"GARGANTUA 1" WAS AN ORBITING METAL EDEN UNTIL YOU SULLIED IT
WITH YOUR BRANDO-ESQUE SENSUALITY AND YOUR
NON-REGULATION APPAREL.
SORRY DOESN'T QUITE MAKE UP FOR DEFLOWERING MY EVE.
>> COME ON.
ENOUGH WITH THE BOY SCOUT ACT.
YOU TWO WERE ALONE ON THAT THING FOR YEARS.
NOW, DON'T TELL ME YOU NEVER HIT THAT.
>> WHAT?!
I NEVER STRUCK HER!
HOW DARE YOU EVEN IMPLY THAT I DID!
I LOVED HER!
>> [SNORING] >> THIS AIN'T GOOD.
>> OH, F.D.R.
NOW, HE WAS A REAL PRESIDENT.
I LOVED TO WATCH HIM SLEEP.
WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ON HIS LITTLE POLIO SHOULDERS.
THE DEPRESSION.
WORLD WAR II.
HE SLEPT LIKE A BABY.
NOW, THAT IS A CLEAR CONSCIENCE.
THIS BREYER GUY THOUGH, HE'S THE WORST PRESIDENT I'VE
EVER SEEN.
>> THEN WHY AM I WASTING MY TIME WITH THIS?
>> HONESTLY?
I'M KIND OF HOPING TO EARN MY WINGS ON THIS DEAL.
>> SO, WE'RE NOT JUST SAVING THE PRESIDENT...
WE'RE SAVING YOU, TOO.
>> MY LINCOLN SENSE IS TINGLING!
MANSTRONG'S MAKING HIS MOVE!
HURRY, BOYS!
>> SVENGALI!
>> NO, NO!
LOOK, THIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
>> FIRST ANNA, NOW MY MOTHER!
HAVE YOU NO SHAME, YOU-- YOU MANDINGO!
OK, GET UP!
WE'RE DOING THIS!
YOU AND ME, SAMPSON, RIGHT NOW!
LET'S GO!
>> COME ON, MAN.
YOU KNOW I'M JUST GONNA BEAT YOU STUPID.
I'VE DONE IT BEFORE.
>> WITH A SUCKER PUNCH.
THIS TIME, SCHOOL-YARD RULES-- NO CHEAP SHOTS.
>> THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
YOU'RE MOTHER JUST-- >> NO MOTHERS!
>> AAGH!
>> OH, WHAT?!
>> HERE COMES THE RAIL SPLITTER!
>> WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON NOW?!
WHAT?
DID MY BROTHER MAKE THAT?
>> MR. PRESIDENT, THIS MAN'S AN ASSASSIN PROGRAMMED TO KILL YOU!
THERE'S A MICROCHIP IN HIS BRAIN.
LOOK!
>> PERIMETER, SIR!
PERIMETER!
>> OH, DAMN IT!
NOT AGAIN!
AAGH!
>> STOP BOTHERING MY SON!
UH-OH.
DID I GRAZE YOU, NIBBLETS?
>> YOU DID IT, BOYS.
YOU SAVE THE PRESIDENT.
>> GO, TEAM VENTURE!
>> YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A DOCTOR.
IS MY BUDDY GONNA BE OK?
>> WAIT A MINUTE.
I RECOGNIZE THIS.
IT'S A VENTURE INDUSTRIES MICROCHIP.
HANG ON A SEC.
[HUMMING] IT'S THE MOTHER BOARD FROM
"GARGANTUA 1."
>> ANNA!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
RESTRAIN YOURSELF!
>> IF WE ARE GOING TO DIE, I WANT TO GO OUT WITH A BANG, AS
THEY SAY.
MMM!
>> [GROANS] >> I KNEW IT!
TOLD YOU THIS CLOWN WAS NO HERO.
HE JUST BLACKED OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF A HAND-JOB.
>> [GROANING] >> UH-OH!
SOMEONE'S PLAYING WITH HIS LINCOLN LOGS.
>> OH, MY GOD!
IT'S FULL OF STARS!
>> PENNY FOR HIS THOUGHTS.
[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]
[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--]
>> YOU'RE...
STILL HERE.
SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE CROSSED OVER?
>> APPARENTLY, STOPPING MY BODY GUARD FROM BEATING UP A
REPRESSED MASTURBATOR JUST ISN'T ENOUGH TO GET YOU INTO HEAVEN
THESE DAYS.
GO FIGURE.
>> YOU'RE ONE TO JUDGE, RUSTY.
I SEEM TO REMEMBER A CERTAIN FAST-HANDED LITTLE REDHEAD
SLEEPING IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM A SCORE AND A HALF YEARS BACK.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> NOT THAT YOU DID MUCH SLEEPING.
>> OK.
>> I...
NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT.
>> DON'T KNOW WHY YOU PEOPLE GOTTA COMPLICATE EVERYTHING.
I TOLD Y'ALL, A LITTLE CLUB SODA FIX MOST
EVERYTHING.
>> THAT'S GOOD CHOWDER!