>> MORNING, SUGAR BLOSSOM.
BREAKFAST IN BED.
I GOT AN ORANGE AND A BAG OF CAROB PRETZELS.
IT'S ALL THEY HAD IN THE MINI-BAR.
>> WHY DON'T YOU PUT THAT CRAP DOWN AND COME OVER HERE?
>> HELLO GIRLS, REMEMBER ME?
DUMPLING, HAVE YOU HAD SOME WORK DONE?
I CAN BARELY GET MY HANDS AROUND THEM.
>> THEY'RE EXACTLY THE SAME SIZE.
>> ARE YOU RIDING YOUR MENSTRUAL CYCLE?
>> NO! WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT?
>> THAT MAYBE YOU ARE HIDING SOMETHING FROM ME.
LIKE A LITTLE GIFT THAT PHANTOM LIMB LEFT IN YOUR OVEN.
>> ALRIGHT, I KNEW YOU COULDN'T HANDLE THIS.
IT'S CRAZY.
WE HAVE BEEN MEETING IN THIS CRAPPY HOTEL THREE TIMES A WEEK
AND IT'S GOING NOWHERE.
>> ALRIGHT FINE, I'LL DO THURSDAYS, TOO.
BUT ONLY FOR LIKE AN HOUR.
WHICH MEANS WE HAVE TO GET RIGHT TO THE DIRTY DEED.
I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO BEGIN WITHOUT ME.
>> GEE, THANKS.
LOOK, I KEEP COMING HOME WITH WELTS ON MY NECK, AND THE
"I GOT JUMPED BY FLYING SQUID" EXCUSE IS STARTING TO GET
PHANTOM LIMB A WEE BIT SUSPICIOUS.
>> SCREW PHANTOM LIMB!
WAIT. NO, DON'T.
>> DON'T YOU GET IT? I LOVE YOU.
BUT I DON'T WANT THIS.
>> ALL RIGHT, FINE.
[GIRLFRIEND CRYING] >> OH, CRAP, YOU'RE CRYING...
UM, MARRY ME?
>> STOP IT, I'M WORN DOWN FROM ALL THIS.
I SHOULD GO.
>> MARRY ME!
>> YOU'RE BEING SERIOUS?
>> DEADLY SERIOUS.
>> YES.
>> GOOD, DONE. NOW GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THAT BED!
>> BUT WE NEED TO MAKE SOME GROUND RULES.
ONE -- NO MORE OF THIS "I NEED MY SPACE,
YOU'RE CROWDING ME" CRAP.
>> FINE, WHATEVER.
WHERE WERE YOU HIDING THAT LIST?
>> TWO -- I'M NOT YOUR NUMBER TWO, I'M YOUR PARTNER.
>> OKAY, I'LL GET YOU A CROWN OR SOMETHING.
ANYTHING ELSE ON THAT MAGIC AND PROBABLY MOIST LIST OF YOURS?
>> YES.
NUMBER THREE -- THIS DR. VENTURE THING
IS OVER.
>> YES!
WE KILL HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL.
AND WE SHALL MAKE SLAVES OF HIS SONS AND A LAMP FROM
THE FLESH OF BROCK SAMSON!
>> NO!
I WANT YOU TO GIVE UP THIS INSANE GRUDGE YOU HAVE WITH
DR. VENTURE ONCE AND FOR ALL.
>> NO WAY!
DR. VENTURE IS MY SWORN ENEMY!
>> NEVER MIND THEN.
I KNEW YOU WEREN'T SERIOUS.
>> NO, DON'T GO.
FINE I'LL DO IT!
NO MORE ARCHING DR. VENTURE.
>> EVER?
>> NEVER.
>> SWEAR?
>> I PINKY SWEAR!
OKAY?
YOU HAPPY NOW?
>> THE HAPPIEST WOMAN ALIVE.
>> H-HE'S GONNA KILL US.
MAYBE IF WE BEG FOR MERCY -- >> OH, GOD, LET HIM.
IT WOULD BE SUCH SWEET RELEASE FROM THIS TORTURE WE'VE BROUGHT
UPON OURSELVES.
[BLEEP] IT, YOU KILL ME.
JUST DON'T HIT MY HEAD OR MAKE TOO MUCH NOISE DOING IT.
>> I HAVE AN IDEA, CHUNK, YOU OPEN THIS DOOR,
AND I'LL KILL YA.
>> WHAT DID WE DO?
>> OH, [BLEEP] I THOUGHT I DREAMT THAT PART.
>> OKAY, APPARENTLY YOU LOST YOUR HEARING AS WELL AS YOUR
ARMS. I SAID I'M GETTING MARRIED TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
>> YES, YES, I HEARD YOU.
>> YOU SURPRISE ME, LIMB.
YOU'RE TAKING THIS PRETTY WELL.
THOUGHT YOU'D TRY TO KILL ME.
>> I'M NO FOOL, MONARCH.
YOU DON'T LIVE WITH A WOMAN AND NOT KNOW WHEN THIS IS COMING.
>> YEAH.
>> YOU DON'T DINE ON THE BOUNTY OF A WOMAN'S FLESH AND NOT KNOW
WHAT SHE IS THINKING.
>> OKAY, OKAY.
>> YOU DON'T DRIVE YOUR MANHOOD OVER AND OVER INTO A WOMAN --
>> YES, STOP! I GET IT.
JUST GIVE ME HER [BLEEP] AND LET ME GO!
SHE NEEDS SOMETHING OLD.
>> IN DUE TIME.
I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE A NICE CHAT FIRST.
OH, THERE'S ONE.
>> W-WAS THAT MISTER MONDAY?
>> OH, YES, YOU TWO WERE IN PRISON TOGETHER,
WERE YOU NOT?
>> UH, I SAW HIM AROUND.
I THINK.
>> HMM.
YOU'D BE SURPRISED AT THE ARRAY OF WILDLIFE HERE ON THE GROUNDS.
WONDER WHAT OTHER GAME WE COULD SCARE UP.
>> [SCREAMS] [GROANING]
>> HEH, DR. SEPTAPUS.
HE -- >> OH, DON'T TELL ME --
NOT ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR FORMER PRISON MATES?
WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
>> ALL RIGHT, LIMB.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
>> JUST DISPOSING OF SOME VERMIN. TERRIBLE THE HAVOC
THEY CAN WREAK ON A METICULOUSLY MANICURED LAWN, YOU KNOW.
>> WOW.
OKAY, OKAY FINE.
SO WHAT'D YOU DO?
BUST ALL THESE GUYS OUT OF JAIL JUST TO SHOW ME HOW RUTHLESS
YOU ARE?
>> WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, A COMMON THUG?
OF COURSE NOT. I HIRED THEM AN EXCELLENT APPEALS ATTORNEY.
AND THERE HE IS.
>> PLEASE, PHANTOM LIMB!
I DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED!
>> I'M A REASONABLE MAN, MONARCH.
BUT DON'T THINK FOR A MOMENT THAT I WILL FORGET THIS.
REVENGE, LIKE GAZPACHO SOUP, IS BEST SERVED COLD.
PRECISE, AND MERCILESS.
>> YEAH, YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH PRECISION IN YOUR SOUP.
LOOK, NUT JOB, I HATE THE THESE TRAITOROUS DINKS MORE THAN YOU,
SO SHOOT WHOEVER YOU WANT.
>> GO.
HER [BLEEP] BY THE DOOR IN A BOX MARKED "HERS."
>> IT'S LIKE PLAYING KEEP-AWAY WITH THE NEIGHBORHOOD SPASTIC.
CAN'T GET A BEAD ON HIM!
>> YOU SHOULD GIVE US THE ALL-SEEING ORB!
>> "YOU SHOULD?" NICE AL, VERY POLITE.
>> WHAT? YOU CATCH MORE FLIES WITH HONEY.
>> GIVE US THE EYE, OR FACE OBLIVION!
>> PLEASE!
>> FAT CHANCE, LADIES.
WEEP THE TEARS OF DAMNATION!
>> FORM THE THAUMATURGIC MAN-MOUND!
ALLEY-OOP!
>> MAN, ORPHEUS, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING, GOLF SHOES?
>> HONESTLY, I THINK MY HAND IS BLEEDING.
AND THE SQUIRMING.
>> I THINK IT'S THE FLIP PART.
THAT'S THE ZING!
WE NEED THE ZING.
>> WELL, THE ZING HURTS MY HAND.
>> WELL, IF WE PRACTICED MORE OFTEN THAN ONCE A MONTH.
>> LOOK, I'M IN THE RESIDENTS!
>> DOES ANYBODY ELSE FEEL EVEN SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSED HERE?
>> ONLY MOST OF THE TIME.
>> PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.
WE SHALL MEET AT MY HOME FOR SOME REAL TRAINING.
>> YEAH!
SLUMBER PARTY!
>> ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR [BLEEP] MINDS?
>> THEY WERE GONNA BE OUR GIFT TO YOU GUYS.
>> "ON THIS, YOUR WEDDING DAY."
>> YOU DICKS!
I PROMISED HER!
I MADE A PINKY SWEAR!
A SACRED PINKY SWEAR!
DR. FIANCE IS GOING TO FLIP!
>> OWW. SO NASAL.
>> HOW DOES HE DO THAT?
>> I CAN HEAR THAT IN MY EYES.
>> WILL YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO YOUR LEADER!
>> KINDA NOT DO THAT.
>> OKAY, WE GET IT.
WE SCREWED UP.
JUST USE THE QUIET VOICE PLEASE.
>> LOOK, DON'T THINK NOT I'M IMPRESSED.
I AM.
THAT ISN'T WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.
I MEAN I'D LOVE TO KNOW WHY YOU COULDN'T PULL THIS OFF,
LIKE, AT ANY POINT IN THE LAST TEN YEARS, BUT --
WAIT A MINUTE.
HOW THE HELL DID YOU PULL THIS OFF?
>> WELL, AFTER THE PARTY DIED DOWN AND YOU WENT TO BED, SOME
OF US WERE STILL PRETTY WIRED, AND SO WE DECIDED TO PICK UP
A CASE AND HIT THE TENDERLOIN.
>> MIND YOU, WE WERE WICKED TOASTY BY THIS POINT.
WHICH IS WHEN I SPOTTED THIS TATTOO PARLOR,
AND I JUST HAD TO GET ME SOME INK.
SEE, I'VE HAD THIS DESIGN IN MY WALLET FOR LIKE A YEAR,
BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT [BLEEP] IS PERMANENT.
>> HE NEVER HAD THE BALLS.
>> GUILTY.
YEAH, BUT ONCE THIS COWARDLY LION GOT HIMSELF SOME COURAGE
FROM THE WIZARD OF BOOZE, WE WENT IN THERE.
STANDBY.
OKAY, SO WE GET IN THERE, AND WHO SHOULD WE SEE,
NOT TEN FEET AWAY, GETTING HIMSELF A SWEET TAT?
NONE OTHER THAN BROCK SAMSON, MURDERIST EXTRAORDINAIRE.
>> SLAYER OF MEN.
SLAYER OF HENCHMEN.
>> HE WHO WOULD AND HAS TOTALLY RIPPED OUR HEADS OFF
IF HE SAW US COMING.
>> WHICH, OF COURSE, HE DIDN'T, SO WE GOT THE JUMP ON HIM.
>> THERE WERE, OF COURSE, THE PREDICTABLE CASUALTIES.
>> OF COURSE.
>> BUT ONCE HE WAS, LIKE, TOTALLY OUT OF THE PICTURE,
WE NATURALLY GOT TO THINKIN' >> HEY, DR. VENTURE'S, LIKE,
EASY PICKIN'S NOW.
AND WHAT BETTER GIFT TO GET THE MONARCH
THAN HIS ARCH NEMESIS?" >> HONEY, I'M GONNA START
GETTING DRESSED.
I JUST WANT-- WHAT THE --
>> FUNNYFACE!
Y-YOU'RE...HI.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!
YOU COULDN'T KEEP A PROMISE FOR ONE LOUSY MONTH?
THAT'S IT, I'M CALLING THIS OFF!
>> NO, NO, NO, NO!
THIS ISN'T HOW IT LOOKS.
>> YOU'VE GOT DR. VENTURE AND HIS WHOLE [BLEEP] FAMILY
IN THAT [BLEEP] CELL AND THIS ISN'T HOW IT LOOKS?
>> NO!
OF COURSE NOT, POOKUMS.
HE'S...
HE'S MY BEST MAN!
I WANTED TO PROVE TO YOU I WAS GOING TO
LET BYGONES BE BYGONES.
TURN OVER A NEW LEAF.
>>THEN WHY ARE THEY IN OUR HOLDING CELL?
>> BECAUSE...BECAUSE...WELL, WE WERE REHEARSING THE WHOLE
RING THING AND THE BLONDE KID, HE WAS ALL LIKE "WOW, IS THAT
A REAL PRISON CELL?" AND I'M LIKE "YEAH, YA WANNA
SEE THE INSIDE?" AND -- BETWEEN YOU AND ME, THE
KID'S NOT THE SHARPEST TACK.
I'M PRETTY SURE HE THINKS WE'RE IN A SUBMARINE RIGHT NOW.
>> WHERE ARE WE?
>> SEE?
>> ALL RIGHT, FINE.
WELL, I GOTTA GET READY.
THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, WE'LL BE MAN AND WIFE.
>> C-CAN'T WAIT!
>> SEE YOU LATER, MR. GIRLFRIEND.
>> A BIENTOT, DR. MRS. MONARCH.
>> THE COUNSEL OF THIRTEEN HAS REVIEWED YOUR REQUEST,
AND IT IS DENIED.
YOU ARE TO COMMIT NO ACTS OF VENGEANCE AGAINST THE MONARCH.
IT MATTERS NOT THAT YOU WERE DUMPED.
AND THAT'S KINDA...
YOU KNOW.
>> I UNDERSTAND, SOVEREIGN.
>> MAY I SUGGEST YOU START A JOURNAL?
THERE YOU COULD POUR OUT YOUR WOES UPON THE TEAR-STAINED
PAGES OF "DEAR DIARY."
>> THAT IS AN EXCELLENT SUGGESTION, MY LIEGE.
>> OR MAYBE GO JOGGING WITH FRIENDS.
>> I SHALL DO JUST THAT.
YOU HONOR ME, MY MASTER.
>> SO I HAVE YOUR WORD, THEN?
NO MOVEMENT ON THE MONARCH?
>> YOU HAVE MY WORD.
>> EXCELLENT.
WELL, I'M GLAD WE GOT THIS WRAPPED UP, I'VE GOT A WEDDING
TO GET TO -- OH.
I-I'M GONNA GO.
>> SO YOU AND MANWHICH ARE FINALLY TYIN' THE KNOT, HUH?
I ALWAYS FIGURED YOU FOR A CLOSET CASE.
>> IN YOUR DREAMS, MACHO MAN.
I AM ABOUT TO MARRY THE HOTTEST PIECE OF ASS IN SUPER VILLAINY.
>> WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?
>> WHAT, BE A HENCHMAN?
>> YEAH!
RETARDO COSTUME, SOME SKINNY GUY YELLING AT YOU ALL THE TIME.
>> DUDE, ARE YOU DESCRIBING ME OR YOU?
>> I DON'T WEAR A COSTUME.
>> WHAT? ARE YOU DRUNK?
WHERE DO YOU EVEN BUY A BABY-BLUE KERCHIEF?
I JUST SAID "KERCHIEF."
DUDE, DOES YOUR DAD USE HIS TIME MACHINE TO GO SHOPPING?
>> ARE THE WALLS TITANIUM OR MADE OF SECRET
ROCKET-SHIP METAL?
>> WHAT? WHO CA-- I KNOW THEY'RE WICKED
EASY TO STAIN.
>> THEN WE CAN RULE OUT ANY CHROMIUM BASED METALS.
THEY CLEAN NICELY WITH A DAMP CLOTH.
>> ALRIGHT.
I'LL RULE THAT OUT.
SO, UH, YOU, UH, LIKE
BEING A, UH...
>> A DEAN?
>> YEAH, A DEAN.
THAT MUST KINDA SUCK.
>> COME ON, THAT VOICE?
SOUNDS LIKE DUDE.
PROBABLY STILL HALF A DUDE -- >> HELLO! JEALOUS MUCH?
EXCUSE ME, BUT I'M NOT THE ROUGH TRADE IN A TIGHT CAMISOLE
WITH A NAKED GUY TATTOOED ON MY ARM.
>> IT'S NOT FINISHED.
SUPPOSED TO BE ICARUS.
YA KNOW, FROM THE LED -- >> ZEPPELIN ALBUMS. YEAH, YEAH.
SUPER [BLEEP] COOL.
WHEN I WAS, LIKE, 14.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] >> SWEETIE, IT'S BAD LUCK TO SEE
THE BRIDE BEFORE THE WEDDING.
>> IT'S DOC-- RUSTY VENTURE.
I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.
>> OH, SORRY.
>> I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING BLUE.
ME.
>> UGH.
SO, YOU AGREED TO BE THE BEST MAN.
THAT'S RATHER BIG OF YOU.
>> THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING THAT'S BIG OF ME.
>> ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING SEXUAL?
>> OH, DON'T PLAY GAMES HERE, CHARLENE.
>> WHO IS CHARLENE?
>> WHY DON'T YOU TWO GO HELP WILLY WONKA OR SOMETHING?
THIS IS GROWN UP BUSINESS.
AHEM.
"WHO IS CHARLENE?" ONLY THE FINEST WOMAN
IN 18 YEARS TO STEAL MY HEART.
ONLY THE SEXIEST PILE OF GIRL PARTS TO CLIMB MOUNT RUSTY!
>>I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU-- OH, MY GOD.
[DOORBELL RINGS] >> I'M HERE!
AND I'VE GOT SOME FANCY BEER AND SOME CHIPS THAT ARE
GUARANTEED TO BE EXTREME.
>> HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
>> I DON'T KNOW, BY PUTTING A LIGHTNING BOLT ON THE BAG.
WHERE'S JT?
I GOT HIM A SURPRISE.
>> HE'S SETTING UP THE APPARATUS.
>> APPARATUS?
SOUNDS SEXY.
>> AL, WHAT IS THAT? I NEED EARPLUGS TO LOOK AT YOUR SHIRT.
>> I'M IN DISGUISE AS A PAUNCHY GAY GUY WHO LOVES JIMMY BUFFETT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SETTING UP AN APPARATUS,
THAT'S A PILATES MAT AND A BABY'S FIRST
BIRTHDAY CANDLE.
>> ORPHEUS IS TRYING YO HONE OUR CONJURING SKILLS.
>> GREAT, I'LL TRY TO WORK UP SOME INTEREST.
BUT IN THE MEANWHILE, WHAT SAY YOU GENTS TO TAKING
THE EDGE OFF?
>> FOR ONE, IT'S ONLY NOON.
AND TWO, I DON'T -- >> DRINK, I KNOW.
I HAVE HERE IN THIS VERY BAG, FIVE PACKS OF NICKLE-NIPS.
>> MAYBE AFTER WE HAVE FILLED OUR BELLIES
WITH THE SUPERNATURAL.
THERE IS MUCH TO DO!
>> YEAH, LIKE WATCH JT GO BLIND ON RED FLAVORED SUGAR-WATER.
ORPHEUS GET THE INSULIN!
>> IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
>> WHAT'S THAT?
YOU SAY THAT YOU'RE WAXY GOOD?
OH, YOU TEASE!
I THINK I STILL GOT AN OLD COSTUME YOU CAN WEAR.
AND BEFORE YOU SAY IT, I WAS MUCH SLIMMER THEN.
>> I WAS GONNA SAY YOU HAVE MORE TOYS THAN A LITTLE GIRL.
>> WHAT?
DUDE, THERE ARE NO TOYS IN HERE.
>> WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT?
>> THAT'S A MARQUETTE.
>> DOLL. AND THAT?
>> THAT IS A COLLECTABLE BUST.
>> THAT IS A TOY.
>> HOW CAN YOU PLAY WITH A DISEMBODIED HEAD?
>> HE COULD BE, LIKE, AN ALL-KNOWING HEAD THAT TELLS...
>> QUISP.
>> THAT TELLS QUISP THAT HE HAS TO KILL...
>> THE MICRONAUT.
>> KILL THE MICRONAUT.
SO, DO YOU WANNA?
>> ONLY IF I GET TO BE THAT HE-MAN HEAD.
>> I BET I KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO.
>> IS IT SIT QUIETLY TILL THE WEDDING BEGINS.
>> NO, SILLY, I WOULD SURE LOVE A TOUR OF THE ENGINE ROOM.
I'VE ONLY READ ABOUT ENGINES THAT RUN ON ANTI-MATTER.
>> OKAY, THERE, JUNIOR SCIENCE CADET,
WHY DON'T YOU GO EXPLORING OR SOMETHING?
JUST DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.
>> AYE AYE SIR!
I'LL TOUCH WITH MY EYES, NOT WITH MY HANDS!
>> CARE TO ESCORT THIS CADET?
>> THAT'S A NEGATIVE, CADET DEAN,
WHO REALLY SHOULD BE GOING NOW.
>> UNDER ORDERS?
THAT'S PREPOSTEROUS!
YOU WERE ALL OVER ME.
>> THAT WAS MY MISSION.
I SEDUCE YOU, TURN YOU INTO A BUTTERFLY,
AND THEN THE MONARCH WAS GONNA TIE YOU TO THIS HUGE
BUG ZAPPER THING.
>> BUT YOU DIDN'T!
YOU GAVE ME THE ANTIDOTE!
AND WHY?
BECAUSE I TURNED THE TABLES AND MADE YOU FALL FOR ME.
>> YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS ME.
>> WELL I DO NOW.
AND I HAVE PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.
AND THAT EQUALS 4EVER!
>> ALL RIGHT, BASICS.
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE MY -- MY BOYFRIEND'S ARCH ENEMY?
YOU KNOW HOW THIS WORKS, RIGHT?
>> I KNOW WHAT WORKS.
I KNOW THAT WE WORKED.
AND I KNOW AS SURE AS SUGAR THAT YOU PLANNED THIS WHOLE
THING.
>> OH, YES, EXACTLY.
THAT'S MY BIG DREAM.
I WANTED TO GET THE MONARCH AND DR. VENTURE TOGETHER --
THEN DO THEM BOTH.
>> I'M NOT WILLING TO SHARE YOU.
YOU HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE.
>> OH, WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO?
WILL YOU ZIP ME UP?
YOU KICKED MY MOPPETS OUT.
>> [IMITATING GUNFIRE] I KILLED HUGO.
>> YOU TOTALLY MISSED.
>> OH, MY GOD! SO WRONG.
SOLARIAN HAS LIKE 20/TWO BILLION VISION!
>> COOL BEANS!
>> THE BEARD COMES OFF.
>> HELLO-SKI.
I AM, HOW YOU SAY, RUSSIAN GUY OVITCH.
>> YOU SHOULD TOTALLY GROW ONE OF THOSE!
YOU LOOK LIKE GREEN ARROW.
OR THE MIRROR MIRROR VERSION OF HANK.
>> YEAH, EVIL HANK.
>> YEAH, EVIL HANK COMPLETELY.
OH, CRAP, IS THAT THE TIME?
DUDE, THE GUESTS'LL BE HERE, LIKE, ANY MINUTE AND I'M NOT
EVEN DRESSED FOR THE WEDDING!
>> Clock: HELLO, RUSTY, IT'S TIME TO GET UP!
>> OKAY, C'MON.
WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO.
>> AND THEN, LIKE THAT WASN'T ENOUGH,
I ENDED UP WITH A RAGING CASE OF CROTCH CRICKETS.
AND DID I GET AN APOLOGY?
HELL NO!
I GOT A, "I'LL CALL YOU".
STILL WAITING FOR THAT CHESTNUT.
OKAY BYRON, YOUR TURN, TRUTH OR DARE?
>> OH, YOU ARE ACTUALLY TALKING TO ME?
TRUTH.
>> DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD GET A BUNCH OF MIDDLE-AGED
MEN TOGETHER TO CHASE BAD GUYS AROUND AND TAKE IT SERIOUSLY?
>> WELL YES, I DID, AS A MATTER OF FACT.
THE ORDER OF THE TRIAD HAS POTENTIAL.
>> POTENTIAL?
WHEN JT WAS CONSCIOUS HE WAS THROWING UP ARTIFICIAL CHERRY
FLAVORED VOMIT.
AND I'M A LITTLE BUZZBY BERKLY MYSELF.
>> JUST DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.
>> WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
>> YOU KNOW I'M ON THE PA, AND NOT IN YOUR MIND, RIGHT?
>> WHA-- YEAH, I WASN'T GONNA PUSH IT.
>> GOOD, NOW GET TO THE WEDDING.
>> OKEY DOKEY.
>> OH, YEAH, GOOD.
YOU'RE GOING TO THE CEREMONY?
>> YES, SIR.
>> THE RADAR HAS BEEN LIT UP LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE.
GET THESE READOUTS TO THE MONARCH PRONTO.
LOOK, KEEP IT HUSHED. OKAY.
>> WOW!
WHAT IS THAT?
>> YOU SEEN MY BROTHER?
> NAH, HE'S PROBABLY SITTING DOWN TORTURING MONSTROSO
WITH SNAPPLE FACTS.
>> I DON'T THINK -- HOLY MOLY!
THAT GUY IS ALMOST A TRUCK!
>> TRUCKULES.
>> YUP.
HERE YOU ARE.
AND YOUR GUEST?
>> CAME STAG, FRIEND.
THIS BIG OL' RIG TAKES UP TWO SEATS.
>> OKAY, BUT YOU ONLY GET ONE BAG OF JORDAN ALMONDS.
BRIDE'S SIDE, 4th ROW, SEATS SIX, SEVEN.
>> WHERE AM I SITTING?
>> UH...YOU ARE NEXT TO "SERGEANT HATRED
AND GUEST."
>> AW, NO.
>> LOOK AT THAT.
HONEY, LOOK AT THAT!
TELL ME THOSE AREN'T THE MONITORS FROM MY OLD HOVER TANK.
WHAT THE HELL KINDA DEAL IS THIS?
KIND OF SHABBY OPERATION THEY'RE RUNNING HERE.
>> YOU'RE NOT GONNA BAD-TOUCH ME, ARE YOU?
>> DO I KNOW -- HONEY, DO WE KNOW HIM?
>> ER, NO.
HELLO-SKI.
I AM, HOW YOU SAY, RUSSIAN GUY OVITCH.
>> SERGEANT HATRED.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
THIS HERE'S PRINCESS TINYFEET.
SHOW 'EM, HONEY.
SHOW HIM THE LITTLE GENTLEMEN.
>> HUH? SO SHE IS.
>> OH, LOOK AT THOSE PERFECT LITTLE TOES,
SO PLUMP, LIKE LITTLE NIBLETS.
LIKE LITTLE CORN NIBLETS.
>> MAIZE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, HONEY.
HOT DAMN IT, THOSE THINGS ARE BEAUTIFUL!
GIMME GIMME GIMME.
GIMME JUST A LITTLE.
GIMME JUST A -- MMM.
>> UGH.
[21 AND 24 SINGING] >> NO WAY!
IS THAT -- >> DAVID BOWIE.
>> BROCK SAMSON.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
>> NOT LONG ENOUGH.
YOU'RE LUCKY I DON'T KILL YOU RIGHT HERE AFTER WHAT YOU
PULLED IN BERLIN.
>> YOU'RE WELCOME TO TRY.
>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> HE'S GIVING ME AWAY.
YOU LOOK FABULOUS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING THIS, DAVID.
>> AND A ONE, TWO...
[PLAYS BRIDAL MARCH] >> ALL RIGHT, LEFT FOOT ON
THE ONE, BUT DON'T ENTER UNTIL THE SECOND VERSE --
>> I KNOW WHEN TO GO OUT.
>> SHE'S TOO GOOD FOR YOU.
>> ARE YOU STILL MAD AT ME?
>> WHAT? I'M SUDDENLY SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND?
>> I CAN'T REMEMBER A DAY OF MY LIFE THAT YOU DIDN'T [BLEEP] UP.
>> CALM DOWN, LOOK AT ALL THAT HISTORY.
WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
>> OH, YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT, BUDDY BOY.
>> WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? OH, THERE SHE IS!
HI, POOKUMS.
>> I FEEL SO DIRTY WHEN THEY START TALKING CUTE.
>> GET USED TO IT.
>> I WANNA TELL HER THAT I LOVE HER,
BUT THE POINT IS PROBABLY MOOT.
>> ARE YOU RECITING "JESSE'S GIRL?"
[THUD] >> SORRY!
>> DEARLY BELOVED...
>> WE JUST NEED TO TAKE IT MORE SERIOUSLY.
THE SEANCE WAS GOING GREAT.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW LIGHT AS A FEATHER AND STIFF AS A BOARD
JEFFERSON WAS?
>> HE'S STILL PRETTY STIFF.
>> AND WE WERE ABLE TO MATERIALIZE A SPIRIT
FROM THE BEYOND.
OR AT LEAST FROM A TRADING CARD.
>> YEAH, POOR GUY.
SHOULD WE TAKE HIM IN THE BACK AND KILL HIM WITH A SHOVEL
OR SOMETHING?
>> OH, WHY AM I BOTHERING?
YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS.
>> NO, I CARE ABOUT THE TRUE SPIRIT OF THE DIVINE, I CARE
ABOUT THE UNIVERSAL TRUTH.
BUT BEING A MAGIC SUPER-HERO THAT KEEPS CHASING THE SAME GUY,
IT'S COMPLETELY GAY.
AND THAT IS COMING FROM A GUY THAT VOLUNTARILY
HAS SEX WITH MEN!
>> WELL, SO DOES THIS MEAN IT'S OVER? ARE WE BREAKING UP?
>> I GUESS SO.
YOU WANT ME TO PACK UP MY BLACKULA HUNTER
AND LEAVE QUIETLY?
COME ON BYRON, DON'T BE SO DING-DONG SERIOUS ALL THE TIME.
UH, YOUR MONTEL WILLIAMS NECK PIN
IS BLINKING.
>> THERE IS COSMIC PERIL SOMEWHERE.
>> NO, ANSWER IT.
I'LL GUESS I'LL JUST WAIT.
IT SAYS THAT DR. VENTURE AND HIS ENTIRE FAMILY ARE IN DANGER.
THEN THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT HUNDREDS OF DEATHS.
LIKE YOU CARE.
>> NO, YOU OL' BAG OF SAD, THAT I CARE ABOUT.
THAT'S THE KIND OF COSMIC JUJU I AM INTERESTED IN.
FOR I AM THE ALCHEMIST, SEEKER OF TRUTH!
>> AND I AM DOCTOR ORPHEUS, MASTER NECROMANCER!
>> OH, AND HE IS JEFFERSON TWILIGHT,
BLACKULA HUNTER.
>> [GIBBERISH] >> DO YOU,
MISS DR. THE GIRLFRIEND TAKE MR. THE MONARCH TO BE
YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND, TO HAVE AND TO HOLD,
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?
>> I -- [CRASH]
>> MONARCH, THIS IS THE PHANTOM LIMB.
YOU ARE SURROUNDED.
>> OH, DICK MOVE!
>> YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO TURN OVER MY GIRLFRIEND,
OR I WILL DESTROY YOUR RIDICULOUS COCOON
AND ALL INSIDE.
CAPTIONS PROVIDED BY TURNER STUDIOS