This programme contains strong language and adult humour
Britain is an incredible place. Full of culture,
exquisite landscapes
and Boris Johnson! Whoo-hoo!
We are a few of the 300,000 immigrants that come to
Blighty each year.
So, if you're thinking of joining us
and dream of living a quintessentially British life,
then let us guide through what can be a confusing place.
What is the meaning of banter? What's Bob your uncle?
What is bees knees?
SHE GIGGLES
The press may not welcome you with open arms.
Well, then, what can I do in order to make them like me?
I don't know the answer to that.
And settling in isn't always easy.
Hello, can you talk for a moment? Piss off!
But don't worry, this video will teach you all you need to know
about living in the greatest country in the world.
This is An Immigrant's Guide To Britain.
Welcome to Britain,
the most British place in the world.
But it's not just all white cliffs and castles and strong winds.
Oh, no.
It's a very complicated country full of pitfalls for the uninitiated.
For example, the citizenship test, which is a high-stakes pub quiz
where the winner gets a passport rather than some low-quality meat.
If you're not living in Europe and you want to become a British
citizen, you have to do a British citizenship test.
But it's total bullshit.
I'm going to find out if the British people can answer actually
these questions or not.
When was the Battle of Trafalgar? Sorry.
Errr... Um...
Trafalgar? Yeah.
First World War?
When did Britain become permanently separated from the rest
of the European mainland?
HE SNORTS
I don't know.
Um...
1968?
Who invented the jet engine?
What? Is this a test? It's on the test?
It's on the test. Right, erm...
No idea.
I think it was a man, actually. It was a man. Yeah.
How has that got anything to do with me being British? It totally hasn't.
It seems that British people don't know the answers for these questions.
So, I thought what do British people think should be on the test?
Are you coming here to work? Can you support yourself when you get here?
Welcome to Britain, I hope that you will be very happy here
and I hope you can get employed.
Try to learn our language a little bit more.
We don't want paedophiles, rapists, we don't want none of that. Or...
Different types. Murderers, anything. Yeah.
I'm not saying I'm an angel or nothing like that, but...
I'm already here, ain't I? Yeah. You are lucky.
So, the locals want us immigrants to get a job.
But, obviously, without stealing their job.
Luckily, there is no shortage of great opportunities.
Alejandro, Britain really is the country where we can
live our dreams, isn't it?
Over the last few months, I've been a builder, nurse,
shop assistant, minicab driver - I've done all sorts.
Back home I would've just carried on as an orthopaedic surgeon.
How boring would that have been?
HE CHUCKLES
Someone's been a dirty bugger.
Well, in a nutshell - get a job, but don't steal anyone's job.
Well, just enjoyed being totally overqualified for whatever it is you're doing.
As the saying goes...
If you're in the kitchen...
I came here today to this market to learn about banters,
because it is an essential part of British life. So...
If people coming to England and they didn't know about banter,
it will help them to integrate into the community.
What is a banter?
Banter's the way we speak, it's the lingo, what we call.
It's a different kind of speak. And it's an instant thing,
it's not something you practice. It's something that happens at the spur of the moment.
Oh, look. It's Spider-Man! Aye-aye. Aye-aye.
I went on his "web" site yesterday(!)
It's like you say something to me and I've come back to you.
You've got a Roman nose, haven't you?
It's "Roman" all over your face(!)
HE CHUCKLES
People banter with me all the time and I don't know what they mean.
Can you teach me something, guys? We'll teach you what we can.
How do I banter about appearances?
A jovial one, when people come up, they've got a multicoloured jacket on,
you say, "Oh, that's a nice jacket. What, did you win it in a raffle?"
But, that's quite funny. It's not too insulting.
So, raffles are multicoloured?
No, a raffle prize.
It's like saying it's not the kind of thing I would go out and buy,
but obviously YOU like it. Get it?
OK, I will try. Try, try.
Ask this young lady. Come on. Ask if she... If she would...
I don't like your jacket. No! THEY CHUCKLE
That is. That's...
HE SIGHS Try again.
I thought banter is the British thing.
But, today, I found out it seems like it's only Dave and Dave
like the banters.
You can suggest things, which is an innuendo.
If the girls come round, you say,
"Come and get your gums around my plums!"
THEY CHUCKLE
That's quite rude.
But it's not. It's just banter. Light-hearted, sort of, banter.
It's just banter. So, if a young lady like this comes up,
you say to her, "Help yourself."
Help yourself. And then, we do deliver. We deliver. We deliver.
And say, have you got your name, address, and telephone number?
Do I need all these things?
HE LAUGHS
Are you having a laugh with me? Do the Miss World show one.
You say, is it the Miss World show this week? You've got to get... do you know what I mean?
You want the banter, but you've got to... You know what you've got to do? You've got to try and crack a smile.
Exactly. It's hard with that moustache, isn't it? You're a bit too serious.
You should be more relaxed. I'm learning from them.
Yeah, look, and they're all smiles. See, you've got to.
See! You're the only one without a smile.
That's it! There we go!
Now we're talking. I'll have four of your oranges...
See, now you're on a roll.
Oranges are good for sex?
Oh...
I spent whole day learning banter and I'm bit confused,
but if you want to learn banter,
you have to come to the Chapel Market and speak to Dave.
Well, I know what you're thinking, you're listening to me and you're thinking,
"Henning, you have got a fantastic English accent."
Yes, I know I do.
But would it be possible for you to learn it, as well, and should you bother?
Ooh-eeh-ooh-ehh... V-v-v-v-v...
Shoulders up. HE BLOWS THROUGH LIPS
And down. HE EXHALES THROUGH LIPS SLOWLY
So, I'm going to meet Elspeth, the accent coach, to find out.
Which one would suit me? What about somewhere like Liverpool.
You see, that's on the coast. Yeah, I could live in Southport.
Live in Southport. Posh scouser. That's quite nice.
Eh. Can you say for me, eh? Eh.
IN LIVERPOOL ACCENT: That sound is very crucial and central to the accent.
Eh. Eh.
Eh, mate. HE TRIES TO COPY ACCENT: Eh, mate. Mate. Eh, Mick.
'Ave you got the time? 'EV you got the time?
So, rather than "'EV" you got the time? AV - Ah. Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Eh, mate, 'ave you got t'time?
'Ave you got the ti-i-ime? 'ave you got the time?
Our Angie. Ow-er Angie.
Hah! Nailed it, as they say. Well, now, all I have to do is try it
out on the British public.
IN BAD ACCENT: Eh, mate. Have you got time? I don't want to be late for OW-ER ENGIE.
Erm...
Er...
Birmingham?
Leeds. Lancashire?
Polish? THEY CHUCKLE
Well, whatever that is, it's with a strong German.
Let me try again. Eh, mate...
There is no point learning an accent before you come to London,
because the locals - they won't get it anyway.
So, yeah, it shows London in a very bad light, unfortunately.
In Thailand, we have one tap. In Britain, they have two taps.
This means, two tap shuffle. Hot! Cold! Hot, cold,!
You either have to burn your hands or freeze your skin.
But I've got a solution for you.
Plastic bottle! And a marker pen.
Mark it. Scissors.
Mm... Nice warm water.
Well, one of the most convenient aspects of working life in the UK,
is the culture of self-deprecation.
The idea that failure can simply be laughed off.
So, it doesn't matter how badly you mess-up in your line of work -
as long you can tell the tale of your underachievement
in an entertaining fashion - you'll be all right.
Last Thursday, we went out for liquid lunch, didn't we?
HE CHUCKLES
And then come back into the office all trolleyed,
and then after a while, I thought, "I'll tell you what, my treat for everyone,
"I make scrambled eggs." So, I get going with the scrambled egg.
Then, I forget about them. Hah!
So, next thing I know, the whole kitchen is on fire!
The dog burned to death.
HE LAUGHS
Her at home always says I'm a bloody liability.
HE LAUGHS
I'm a right old wally, aren't I?
No, I'm not. I'm a bloody idiot of the highest order.
I'm probably well in line for promotion!
Sorry.
This is the word British people keep saying, like, every day.
Probably because they are polite, but maybe because they want to say something else.
I'm really wondering how many ways we can say sorry.
I try to collect 100 sorrys in one day.
Let's go.
Excuse me, have you got a lighter, please?
No, sorry, I don't smoke.
A pen? I haven't, no. Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry? A pen. No, sorry, I haven't. Sorry.
Sorry, darling. Sorry? Have you got any cat food?
No, sorry. And dog food? No, no, no. No?
Chicken food? No, sorry. No worries.
So, Hungarian people...
Yeah, they don't really say sorry that much.
Or if they say sorry, they really mean it.
Can you tell me what time is it? I don't have the time, sorry. Ow!
That was very loud. Oh, sorry.
Er...8:30. Ow! Oh, sorry. Sorry. No worries.
James, are you James? Sorry, I've got to go. Sorry.
James! Hi! Sorry, love. Wrong person. Sorry.
James! Yeah.
Are you James?
Yeah? Yeah.
Excuse me, how can I... SHE MUMBLES
Sorry? How can I get to the...
The where? The...
I don't know what, I don't know what you mean. Sorry.
Have you... Sorry, dear?
Sorry? How can... Sorry?
Do you know... Sorry? Do you know... Sorry?
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry?
Sorry!
This is too easy. I reckon I don't even need to try.
Sorry, excuse me, please.
Sorry.
Sorry!
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Wa-he-hey!
Welcome back to Britain.
Well, last year, British people donated more money to animals
than the whole GDP of Kiribati -
not that that is saying much.
Well, if anything, it tells us Brits love animals
and if you live over here and want to fit in,
do you HAVE to love animals?
The British people have got so much affection for their dogs
that we in Ghana don't.
I'm here today to find out
why the British people like keeping dogs as friends and pets
and is it a good idea for you to get one.
Man's best friends can be dogs?
Ha! No, I don't think so.
Hi. Hello. Hi there.
Oh, my God. Doodles...
Wow, that's a cute one.
Oh, my. What's his name?
This one's Doodles... Doodles.
Wow, and that one? ..and this is Bambi.
Why's he on a chain? He must be a pretty bad one.
No, she's having her hair brushed.
She's just being groomed at the moment. Oh, wow.
I do understand that British people are dog-loving people. Yeah.
Every third to fourth household will have a dog in the house
and it's just a normal thing here in England that we love animals.
It's amazing what I saw today -
she spends most of her time cleaning the dogs,
caring for the dogs...
I can never get used to this.
This is Bailey. Wow.
Wait, whoa...
Wait, wait, wait, he looks like he's coming to get me!
No, he's very friendly. Are you sure?
Yeah, you sit down. Oh, my God.
No, a-a-a! If you just stroke him... Bom-bom-bom-bom.
Emma, are you in control?
Yes, I've got his collar. Don't worry.
The only people who have lots of dogs in Ghana are hunters.
In Ghana where I come from, dogs are dogs.
So, does no-one own dogs as pets?
People... No, people can hardly feed themselves
let alone spend that much money on dogs. Yeah.
Trying to make each and every one happy like the way you are doing,
it's just blown my mind.
To some people, it may seem crazy...
Well, pretty much.
Bom-bom-bom-bom.
So, this is your life?
Yep, they're my best friends
and that's why I would recommend you buying a dog.
My dog's gone to the toilet in the road there
so I've now got to pick it up. Uh-huh.
Would you like to try?
No, man!
Oh!
Oh, my... Eurgh!
No, I did enough.
Don't even do it to my kids sometimes,
I just call their mum to do it -
now, look, I'm doing it to a dog!
Jesus Christ, Oh, my God! Bambi, Bambi.
Well, the most important aspect of integration
is being able to hold a meaningful conversation
so what is the one topic that gets all the locals talking?
Here it is.
One thing that I notice British people love is celebrity magazines.
It's like they're their best friends or relatives,
they like to know everything.
"My Kelly Brook heartbreak."
I don't actually know who out of these two is Kelly Brook
but I think I've seen this lady before.
"Gemma, I get called a fat cow."
British people seem to really like stories about fat people
and also celebrities
and here, we have both.
So, this lady has a baby
and apparently she is going back to work
and I'm not sure why this is such a big deal
but I'm sure you can start a conversation with a British person with that.
When you first arrive on these shores,
you might be ever so slightly disappointed
because not everyone lives in one of them
and they don't all talk like they're on Downton Abbey
so what is class
and do you need to worry about it?
Class is a fascinating thing in Britain.
I want to find out what upper class is
and can you become one.
I'm here today to meet Lady Elle She is very upper-class.
I made an effort here -
I borrowed a bowtie from my friend Darren.
He knows some upper-class people and I have dressed a bit smartly.
How do you do? How very nice to meet you. I'm very well, thank you.
Nice to meet you too. Come on in.
'I am looking forward to a luxurious day'
because she's upper class
so I might go for swimming, I might go for horse riding.
I might also get a boat ride.
I just came here to find out about how upper-class people live.
Well, I don't know.... I think we live like human beings really.
Uh-huh. We have to work very hard.
We're going to go up into a wood
where they're cutting down some trees... I see.
..and then we have some other tasks for you to get involved in.
In fact, you'll probably need a pair of boots.
The wooden logs, if we can stack them this way a bit,
it would be great
cos it's easier for Kevin to pick them up tomorrow.
Here.
BLUESY MUSIC
What we need to do is dig this trench...
Danny's going to help show you how we're going to stack the logs.
You know Tetris? Ha.
I know it but I'm not very good at it.
Danny, where is Lady Elle?
Lady Elle?
I think...
she's gone to the...
Back in to the house, I think.
MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY
I came here today to ask lots of questions about the upper class,
how I can become an upper-class
but I've been working very hard
and I did not have any opportunity to ask any questions.
Perhaps I will get some time during the dinner.
Maybe where you are from,
it's deemed unacceptable to swear in the workplace.
You might even end up with a disciplinary.
Here in Britain, ever so slightly different story -
it's actively encouraged.
Oh, at long fucking last you're ringing, yeah?
What the fuck do you want?
You know what I've been doing today? Fuck all
because I've been waiting for this fucking phone call and fuck off!
Always the same fucking shite with your lot, every fucking time.
I've fucking had it with... No, YOU fuck off.
Yeah, you fuck off.
I don't want to hear from you ever fucking again, you fucking BLEEP.
Have a nice day.
Fuck off!
Yeah, people in Britain think swearing
means you're passionate about your work
so, remember, swear at work,
you wankers.
MUSIC: Canon by Pachelbel
Wonderful, thank you very much.
Thank you. Those look beautiful.
I really had a good day today, I enjoyed very much your company.
You properly didn't realise that I work very hard here.
You do work very hard here.
The only thing I don't like doing is cleaning out the dog kennels.
That, I won't do.
That's very lower class.
And I don't use a chainsaw either.
So, upper-class people don't use chainsaws?
It's very noisy, Mark, and I don't like a lot of noise.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Chainsaws are very noisy.
Definitely not upper-class.
Well, it's definitely not to do with class.
What makes upper-class people upper-class?
If I have, for example, a big house like this...
The size of your house doesn't make any difference.
I mean, a lot of people who have made a lot of money...
Those footballers, they're not upper-class.
I see.
If I had to put down all the things I think are upper-class
and work out a formula...
Mmm.
Just to have good manners, be considerate...
So, we have Danny, the one who was helping me to stack the logs. Yes.
He has very, very good manners. Very good manners.
Very polite, softly spoken. He's a very nice young man.
Mm-hmm, so he could be a upper-class?
No.
How much money do you need to be upper-class?
It's nothing to do with money, Mark.
How much money do you have, for example?
MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY
On the whole, we don't say what we're worth in England
or talk about money a lot.
Four million, roughly? Oh, no.
Two million? I really don't know...
For the sake of my formula, if I put down two million...
You can put down 100 million if you like, if it makes you happy.
MUSIC CONTINUES
I think we can probably get the ice cream now.
I haven't learned anything about upper-class today
and I'm really confused. I don't know what is it all about.
Join me next time for middle-class.
Ha!
Didn't we have lots of fun learning how to integrate?
But still not everyone is best pleased that we are here.
The Daily Mail is one of the UK's biggest selling newspapers
and they are not our biggest fans.
Let's see if we can win them round.
I'll just try to visit them and maybe make some friends
and just offer them some free Hungarian goulash that I made.
I think it's a nice way to get along with someone,
just cooking for someone, sharing food.
I really want them to taste it.
Hello. Hello, hi.
My name is Veronika and I'm an immigrant.
I came to visit the Daily Mail journalists
because actually I heard that they have some, you know,
bad thoughts about immigrants living in this country.
I made some amazing Hungarian goulash soup.
Yeah... Do you think I...
Can you just try, maybe just to let them know that I'm here.
I've worked on this soup the whole night.
You're better off standing outside. Oh.
BLUESY MUSIC
Excuse me, can I give you some free Hungarian...
I give you some Hungarian...
Goulash soup. No...
Nice to meet you, I would love to give you this Hungarian soup.
Yes, I'm afraid I can't... can I?
Are you working in the Daily Mail?
Yes. I would like to ask you to write nice things about us
SIRENS BLARE
What's happening here then? I tried to make friends with them.
Right. I just tried to show them that actually I'm a nice person...
OK. ..and I don't feel like I made so many friends.
No, I don't think you have... No.
..cos they've rung us cos they're not happy.
Oh, really? Yes.
Why? They were worried about harassment from you.
Well, what can I do in order to make them like me?
I don't know of the answer to that.
OK. How long are you planning on being here for?
I think not so much more. Not so much more?
No, because usually they reject me, they don't want my soup.
MUSIC: Isolation by John Lennon
# We're afraid to be alone
# Everybody got to have a home
# Isolation... #
Subtitles by Ericsson