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Christmas is the most
magical time of the year,

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the one day when you can eat
chocolate, nuts and sprouts

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and watch television...apart from
all the other days you can do that.

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Whether you're a Christian or a Jew,
a Muslim or a Hindu,

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a Jedi or a Womble,

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Christmas is everywhere.

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On television,

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in the high street,

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even in normally sacred places
like churches.

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Christmas is such a big deal

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that even Richard Dawkins
probably does it

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and he thinks God's a twat who isn't
even there!

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But what is Christmas anyway?

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Do we still need it in 2016?

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I'm going on a journey right up
Christmas to discover

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whether the true meaning of
Christmas has any meaning today,

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or whether that meaning snapped off
somewhere along the way,

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leaving it meaningless...

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whatever that means.

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I'll be talking to experts about
every single Christmas

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that's ever happened,
as well as finding out where

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Christmas traditions and giant tubes
of Jaffa Cakes come from.

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How do they make
chickens into turkeys?

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Turkey and chicken are
two separate birds.

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You're joking me. No.

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So join me, Philomena Cunk,

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as I step into Christmas
and back out again.

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This programme contains very strong
language

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Christmas, isn't just tinsel and a
long Doctor Who -

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it's a festival with traditions
stretching back

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across hundreds of years
and almost as many Christmases.

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It's hard to imagine now, but,
when Christmas first began,

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Christ wasn't even in it.

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Psycho Danny Dyer hasn't always been
in EastEnders,

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even though he feels like part of
the furniture...

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especially when he's trying to act.

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Centuries before Jesus arrived,

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late December was already a time of
celebration for the pagans,

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who existed so long ago
there aren't any YouTubes of them,

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so we've had to make do with this
picture.

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To find out what the pagans were,
I spoke to an expert.

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Were there pagans
before there were humans?

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No. You've got to be a human
to do anything.

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Pagans are just people who lived in
Europe before Christianity arrived.

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How difficult was it for the pagans
to get about on all fours?

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They didn't travel on all fours,
they travelled upright like we do.

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The pagans worshipped nature,
just like Chris Packham,

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and their calendar revolved around
two big annual events,

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also like Chris Packham.

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One of these events took place in
late December and was known as the

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winter solstices-es.

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What was the winter soltits?

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It's the winter solstice.

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Stols...stolstice?

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Solstice. Stolestice.

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Solstice. Solstice. You've got it.

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It's that magical time,
midwinter and midsummer,

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when the sun seems to stand still.

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To the eye, it appears to stop
moving along the horizon.

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Well, you're not meant to look at
it, are you?

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Because it hurts your eyes.

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You can look at it when it rises
and you can look at it when it sets,

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then you can... No, you can't.
It makes you go blind.

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You can. Believe...
trust me, you can.

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You can't. That's probably why
you've got glasses.

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As well as blinding themselves,

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the pagans celebrated the solstice
by cutting down holly and ivy and

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dragging it into their homes,

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along with a giant Yule log which
they'd set fire to.

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It sounds rubbish, but with no
App Store to speak of,

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killing trees and plants was as good
as entertainment got,

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even at Christmas.

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Of course, for most people,

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it wasn't really Christmas until the
birth of Jesus Christ,

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an icon who was almost as revered
back then as Beyonce is today.

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Jesus's mum was this woman,
the Virgin Mary,

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who one night got
visited by an angel

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and told she'd been gotten pregnant
by a Holy Ghost.

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Of course, actual ghosts
jizz ectoplasm,

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which only contains ghost sperm.

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But Jesus wasn't born a phantom,

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leading experts to believe Mary
wasn't impregnated by a real ghost,

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but by a man in a sheet,
like in Scooby-Doo.

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Mary's husband Joseph didn't mind
his son being God's rather than his

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because he knew God would probably
buy Jesus loads of toys

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and have him on weekends,
which would take the pressure off.

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As the birth neared,

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Mary and Joseph travelled to
O Little Town Of Bethlehem

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only to discover the inn they'd
booked had no rooms in it,

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so, instead, they were
put up in a stable.

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Today, that'd lead to one
red star on TripAdvisor.

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Back then, it led to one big star
in the sky,

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which God put there, probably so
they could see the baby coming out.

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Mary had to give birth
here on the floor,

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like a crack addict,
and then lay him in a manger.

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Manger is another word for trough

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and it's where we get the name for
modern sandwich chain

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Ready To Trough.

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The baby Jesus wasn't
an ordinary baby.

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He was born with a big yellow circle
around his head,

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which must have been hell for Mary
to push out,

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especially when you think nothing
had ever been in or out of her down

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below before. If only he had been
born a ghost after all,

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then he could've just floated out,
clanking chains and going woo.

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Why do you think it's important
that Jesus was born?

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Would it have been more interesting
if he'd been built, like R2-D2?

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It would have been more interesting,

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but the important thing is that he
can identify with us

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and he was a real human being.

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It makes him more sort of relatable,
I suppose. Yes, very much so.

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But then, if he's meant to be like
an ordinary bloke and he wanted to

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come across as an ordinary bloke,
how come he had all, like,

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angels and kings at his stable
on his birthday?

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Well, that was a bit weird, wasn't
it? Mmm. Although, of course,

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I would want to say that angels are
around all the time.

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You don't necessarily see them,
there and then, but sometimes

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you catch a glimpse of something out
of the corner of your eye,

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or maybe you smell a
nice fragrance...

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Vanilla? Maybe.

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How many three wise men were there?

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Who knows? Oh.

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And I think only one of the Gospels
refers to there being three.

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It's just three is a good number,
isn't it?

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Yeah. It looks good.

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But there could have actually been
15 three wise men?

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Quite possibly, yes.

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It's humbling to think that Jesus
started out with nothing,

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born not in a palace,
but in a stable,

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just the ordinary son of an ordinary
woman and an ordinary man,

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and God Almighty.

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Incredibly, the day he was born was
only the beginning of Jesus's life.

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As a young man, he kept a low
profile in the wood industry.

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But, when he was about 30,
his career took off.

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He went on to appear in a number of

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thrilling and controversial
paintings, windows and films.

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Today, Christ lives in the hearts of
millions of believers,

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but still spends Sundays here,
in his dad's house,

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so let's go and see if he's in.

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No-one was in, as usual,

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probably because the Church Wi-Fi
isn't as good as Starbucks'.

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But standing in this
old, creaky building

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gives you a real sense of history.

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Thanks to Jesus's popularity,

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Christmas was celebrated for
hundreds of years,

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celebrated by people who were buried
long ago

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but are still alive in the form of
drawings of themselves,

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some dating back as far as the
Middle Ages.

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In the Middle Ages, did they know it
was the Middle Ages,

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or did they just think,
"This is now"?

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You know, how did they know that
they were halfway through time?

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They thought "this is now"

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and they thought they were
incredibly advanced,

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this is the greatest moment that
society would reach to.

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It'd be amazing, wouldn't it,
to get someone,

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get a Tudor back that we could
resuscitate... Yes.

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..cryogenically or something... Yes.

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..and then show him what had
happened since he died?

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It would blow his mind, wouldn't it?
It would. The internet...

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The internet. The internet.

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Google. Cars, aeroplanes...
Fitbit watches.

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Fitbits.

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One thing our time traveller would
recognise is the tradition

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of getting drunk and acting up at
Christmas, which, back then,

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was known as wassailing.

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So, what was wassailing?

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Is that like a, sort of...a bit
like bantz now?

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What's bantz? Bantz, it's like when
someone's acting like a prick.

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Oh, really? What it is is basically
a group of people,

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usually a group of men, go around
from house to house

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with a big bowl of drink

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and they knock on your door and they
sing songs and the idea is that

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you're going to swap a drink from
their bowl for a gift.

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So it was a bit like trick or
treating then, was it?

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It was very like trick or treating.

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And what sort of costumes
would they do?

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Because there were already covered
in shit, weren't they, with, like,

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slugs on them and
mud and everything?

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They didn't usually wear costumes.

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It was also a way of creating
community cohesion,

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going from house to house,

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it was something that was supposed
to be fun as well.

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So that's really the very early
beginnings of

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going from house to house
singing carols.

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Because the history lady said that,
we've now cut to this -

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some boys singing carols
in a church...on earth.

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THEY SING "DING DONG MERRILY ON
HIGH"

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OK, OK, I get it, yeah, thanks.

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How do you get the music
into the words?

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Like, how do you attach the music to
the words in your throat?

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We tend to attach the words to
the music instead.

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You attach the words to the music?

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Yeah. As it's coming up
through your throat?

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So does it feel like...?
Where does the music come from?

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Does it feel like it's coming from
your stomach,

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like you're going to be sick?

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But it's, like, nice sick?

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Kind of, I guess.

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Not all Christmas songs
are quite so religious.

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In the 1970s, groups like Slade
reinvented the carol,

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appearing on our TV screens,

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showcasing a new form of singing
called shouting.

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MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everybody
by Slade

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This music was loud,
probably to keep Jimmy Savile away.

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For years, having a Christmas number
one was the ultimate music industry

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badge of honour,

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right up there with choking to death
on your own sick.

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More recently, songs released from
glossy TV shows like X Factor

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took over the Christmas
number one slot.

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What's clever is that these songs

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have got absolutely no Christmas in
them whatsoever,

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probably because if Simon Cowell
touches anything

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to do with Christ, he catches fire.

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00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,980
Meanwhile, back in the past,

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by the time the Tudor era arrived
and the music all sounded

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like what you're hearing now,
Christmas had become an excuse

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for gastronomic indulgence.

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Tudor feasts were huge

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and often included roast goose or
swan or peacock,

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basically a big bird roasted whole.

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That might sound traumatic, but,
in the days before television,

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they didn't know big birds have a
person inside.

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To find out more about
Tudor eating habits,

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00:11:31,740 --> 00:11:34,820
I spoke to food expert Jay Rayner.

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So, what sort of things did Tudor
people eat at Christmas?

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They ate things like peacock,
didn't they?

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What goes with peacock?

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What kind of gravy?

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There is evidence that they ate
very exotic things,

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but that would have been the very,
very richest people.

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I suppose the best thing about them
as well is that tail

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and that's not going to taste of
anything, is it?

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No, that's purely for display.
Hmm. Yeah.

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A Tudor Christmas, then, they'd have
peacock, like you say...

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No, I think like YOU said.
The Royals had peacock?

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00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:12,780
I don't know how much peacock was
eaten in Tudor days, I'll be honest.

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How did that affect their bowels,
you know,

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what comes out of their back holes?

238
00:12:16,260 --> 00:12:19,500
I don't know. I suppose, if they
were eating too much,

239
00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:21,980
it would have caused certain bowel
issues.

240
00:12:21,980 --> 00:12:24,140
I suppose meat, lots of meat...

241
00:12:24,140 --> 00:12:26,500
Lots of meat can...
..compacted together.

242
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:28,420
Can compact, yes.

243
00:12:28,420 --> 00:12:30,460
And make sort of big, hard stools.

244
00:12:30,460 --> 00:12:34,540
It would have been uncomfortable,
I imagine, but I'm only guessing.

245
00:12:34,540 --> 00:12:36,900
See, that would've been the first
bit that I'd have gone to

246
00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:39,020
if I was a food expert.

247
00:12:39,020 --> 00:12:42,420
Just when our ancestors were getting
well into Christmas indulgence,

248
00:12:42,420 --> 00:12:46,780
history shat out someone who was
allergic to fun, Oliver Cromwell,

249
00:12:46,780 --> 00:12:48,540
king of the Puritans.

250
00:12:48,540 --> 00:12:52,180
Cromwell was a Member of Parliament
who wouldn't wear smart clothes and

251
00:12:52,180 --> 00:12:54,660
never smiled,
a bit like Jeremy Corbyn.

252
00:12:54,660 --> 00:12:57,700
And, just like Corbyn, he wanted to
change the country.

253
00:12:57,700 --> 00:12:59,820
But instead of sitting down
on a train,

254
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:02,180
he got off his arse and did
something about it -

255
00:13:02,180 --> 00:13:04,580
by starting a Civil War.

256
00:13:04,580 --> 00:13:08,740
Civil War is like a real war, but
not abroad, so it's cheaper,

257
00:13:08,740 --> 00:13:12,500
and that meant ordinary people could
start one, not just kings.

258
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:15,500
The English Civil War divided the
country down the middle,

259
00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:18,540
like a sort of tooled-up Brexit.

260
00:13:18,540 --> 00:13:20,860
Cromwell won and cut the
king's head off,

261
00:13:20,860 --> 00:13:23,260
which meant he couldn't be
the king any more,

262
00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:25,380
even if everyone
changed their minds.

263
00:13:25,380 --> 00:13:28,140
Now the British public
had taken back control.

264
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:31,180
No longer did they have to do
whatever the king said.

265
00:13:31,180 --> 00:13:34,660
Instead, they were free to do
whatever Cromwell said.

266
00:13:34,660 --> 00:13:38,340
It turned out Cromwell hated all of
the things kings like,

267
00:13:38,340 --> 00:13:41,940
like feasting and burping and music
and throwing chicken legs over his

268
00:13:41,940 --> 00:13:45,300
shoulder and laughing, and that was
just the tip of the turnip,

269
00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:50,300
because, in 1647,
Cromwell banned Christmas.

270
00:13:50,300 --> 00:13:53,740
According to the Puritans,
Christians shouldn't celebrate

271
00:13:53,740 --> 00:13:55,980
Christmas because it's
not in the Bible.

272
00:13:55,980 --> 00:13:59,260
Instead, they should be inside a
church, which isn't in the Bible,

273
00:13:59,260 --> 00:14:02,900
reading the Bible,
which isn't in the Bible.

274
00:14:02,900 --> 00:14:07,540
The ban on Christmas continued until
after Cromwell's death,

275
00:14:07,540 --> 00:14:11,580
but, by 1660, we'd found a new king,
up a tree.

276
00:14:11,580 --> 00:14:13,460
The new king even had a head,

277
00:14:13,460 --> 00:14:15,860
although it looked a bit like it
belonged to Boycie

278
00:14:15,860 --> 00:14:18,140
off Only Fools And Horses.

279
00:14:18,140 --> 00:14:21,380
And now the monarch was back and the
Puritans had buggered off,

280
00:14:21,380 --> 00:14:25,140
Christmas was free to become more
festive and less religious.

281
00:14:25,140 --> 00:14:28,060
For years, Jesus H Christmas was the
number one face of the festive

282
00:14:28,060 --> 00:14:32,420
period, very much the
Captain Birdseye of Christmas Day,

283
00:14:32,420 --> 00:14:36,780
but his rule over his mighty tinsel
kingdom was to be threatened by

284
00:14:36,780 --> 00:14:39,380
this man, Father Christmas,

285
00:14:39,380 --> 00:14:41,500
street name - Santa Claus.

286
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:45,980
Like Jesus, Father Christmas is used
as a bribe to make children behave,

287
00:14:45,980 --> 00:14:49,580
although, in his case, the prize
isn't eternal salvation,

288
00:14:49,580 --> 00:14:52,020
but presents.

289
00:14:52,020 --> 00:14:54,700
No wonder the moment Santa came on
the scene

290
00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:56,300
it was game over for Jesus,

291
00:14:56,300 --> 00:15:00,340
who had to accept a lower ranking
job in the global icon industry.

292
00:15:00,340 --> 00:15:02,780
So, where did Santa come from?

293
00:15:02,780 --> 00:15:05,020
If you're thinking the North Pole,

294
00:15:05,020 --> 00:15:07,460
that's because your parents
lied to you.

295
00:15:07,460 --> 00:15:11,780
He actually stepped out of the pages
of history.

296
00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:13,980
Where did Father Christmas
come from?

297
00:15:13,980 --> 00:15:16,540
Father Christmas comes from
Saint Nicholas

298
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:20,900
and he is a fourth-century Greek
saint and bishop,

299
00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:23,900
and he was very renowned for giving
presents to the poor

300
00:15:23,900 --> 00:15:26,940
and particularly he gave presents
to these three girls.

301
00:15:26,940 --> 00:15:28,580
If he hadn't given them the money,

302
00:15:28,580 --> 00:15:30,820
they would have had to go off and
be prostitutes.

303
00:15:30,820 --> 00:15:34,100
So why was he knocking about with
these prostitutes?

304
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:37,460
I don't think he knew them very
well, it's just that...

305
00:15:37,460 --> 00:15:39,980
Well, well enough
to give them gifts.

306
00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:42,180
..give them money.
I don't think...

307
00:15:42,180 --> 00:15:45,060
I think he just wanted to save them
from the horrors of...

308
00:15:45,060 --> 00:15:47,500
I think because basically...
They all say that, don't they?

309
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:50,740
They do. How come shops have
Father Christmases,

310
00:15:50,740 --> 00:15:52,940
but they don't have Jesuses?

311
00:15:52,940 --> 00:15:55,420
Is Jesuses the right term?

312
00:15:55,420 --> 00:15:59,220
Is it Jesi, or...?
I think we'd say figures of Jesus.

313
00:15:59,220 --> 00:16:00,660
Figures of Jesus.

314
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:03,220
I think that Father Christmas
himself would probably have

315
00:16:03,220 --> 00:16:05,580
preferred there to be
figures of Jesus because, in fact,

316
00:16:05,580 --> 00:16:08,460
there is a medieval story that
Saint Nicholas got in a punch-up

317
00:16:08,460 --> 00:16:10,700
about whether or not God or Jesus
was greater

318
00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:12,220
and was thrown into prison,

319
00:16:12,220 --> 00:16:15,700
so he was obviously very exercised
about the purity of religion.

320
00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:17,300
It's all coming out, isn't it?

321
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:20,180
You know, because, like, I didn't
know that he used to hang about with

322
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,940
prostitutes or get into fights.

323
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:29,420
Now I'm feeling less...happy with
him coming down my chimney.

324
00:16:29,420 --> 00:16:31,780
Despite being the
stuff of nightmares,

325
00:16:31,780 --> 00:16:35,820
Santa is the world's most popular
home intruder, probably because,

326
00:16:35,820 --> 00:16:38,700
unlike other home intruders,
he doesn't leave a turd

327
00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:42,180
on your living room carpet,
but a pile of gifts.

328
00:16:42,180 --> 00:16:45,420
Santa has a list of
good and bad children.

329
00:16:45,420 --> 00:16:49,220
The good children will get lots of
presents and so, it turns out,

330
00:16:49,220 --> 00:16:51,100
will the bad children.

331
00:16:51,100 --> 00:16:54,740
In fact, the only ones who won't get
very much are the poor children -

332
00:16:54,740 --> 00:16:56,980
that's because Santa judges a
child's goodness

333
00:16:56,980 --> 00:16:59,420
based largely on parental income.

334
00:16:59,420 --> 00:17:02,980
The sense of magical wonder on a
child's face as they open their

335
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:06,100
presents, which allegedly makes
Christmas worthwhile,

336
00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:08,860
can last for up to ten seconds.

337
00:17:08,860 --> 00:17:13,460
That's why, for many, Christmas is
synon-nonymous with little ones.

338
00:17:13,460 --> 00:17:17,020
Adults lose the ability to see
Father Christmas,

339
00:17:17,020 --> 00:17:20,300
so, if you want to know more about
him, you have to ask small adults,

340
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:21,940
which are known as children.

341
00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:24,540
Hello, who are you?
I'm Archie, who are you?

342
00:17:24,540 --> 00:17:27,900
Philomena. Have you ever met
Father Christmas?

343
00:17:27,900 --> 00:17:29,060
I have.

344
00:17:29,060 --> 00:17:30,260
Where did you meet him?

345
00:17:30,260 --> 00:17:34,220
I met him...next to Westfield.

346
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,980
And what was he doing there?
Was he shopping or something?

347
00:17:36,980 --> 00:17:39,540
I think...I'm not quite sure if
Father Christmas is rich.

348
00:17:39,540 --> 00:17:42,180
Mmm. I don't think he is.

349
00:17:42,180 --> 00:17:45,460
How did he get all the presents in,
like, lots of times?

350
00:17:45,460 --> 00:17:48,340
I think he just shoplifts.

351
00:17:48,340 --> 00:17:49,980
OK.

352
00:17:49,980 --> 00:17:52,780
Do you think Father Christmas has
ever met Batman?

353
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:55,660
In my opinion, Batman's not real.

354
00:17:55,660 --> 00:18:02,060
In my opinion, Batman's not real -
it's just a man called Bruce.

355
00:18:02,060 --> 00:18:04,420
So you don't think they've met?

356
00:18:04,420 --> 00:18:08,060
I think Superman and
Father Christmas have met.

357
00:18:08,060 --> 00:18:11,340
Do you think that Father Christmas
will still be allowed in the country

358
00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:14,260
after Brexit? Yeah, he'll still be
allowed in the country.

359
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:18,420
Will he? Yeah, because the police
don't know where he's in the air.

360
00:18:18,420 --> 00:18:22,660
Like David Bowie, Santa experimented
with many different looks,

361
00:18:22,660 --> 00:18:26,540
finally settling on the familiar
fat jolly laughing man look

362
00:18:26,540 --> 00:18:28,780
in the late 1800s.

363
00:18:28,780 --> 00:18:31,660
The Queen Victorians were batshit
for Christmas

364
00:18:31,660 --> 00:18:35,020
and popularised many of the
traditions we still do

365
00:18:35,020 --> 00:18:36,740
for no good reason today.

366
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:40,020
For instance, Queen Victoria's
husband, Prince Albert,

367
00:18:40,020 --> 00:18:43,380
did what his fellow Germans had been
doing for years and had a tree

368
00:18:43,380 --> 00:18:45,420
installed in his lounge.

369
00:18:45,420 --> 00:18:49,060
Albert's tree would remain the most
heavily decorated piece of wood to

370
00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:52,940
grace Buckingham Palace until
the day Roger Moore was knighted.

371
00:18:52,940 --> 00:18:54,940
The Christmas tree is
still the centrepiece

372
00:18:54,940 --> 00:18:57,180
of most festive decorations.

373
00:18:57,180 --> 00:19:00,060
It's covered in lights,
chocolates and baubles,

374
00:19:00,060 --> 00:19:02,620
which is what circles
are called at Christmas.

375
00:19:02,620 --> 00:19:05,460
There are also these
characteristic vines

376
00:19:05,460 --> 00:19:08,820
from the most festive
plant on earth - tinsel.

377
00:19:08,820 --> 00:19:12,740
Tinsel became a decoration because
you can't do anything else with it.

378
00:19:12,740 --> 00:19:16,620
It's horrible in salads and won't
boil down for soup.

379
00:19:16,620 --> 00:19:19,140
For years, the best
Christmas decoration

380
00:19:19,140 --> 00:19:21,180
was the Blue Peter Advent Crown,

381
00:19:21,180 --> 00:19:24,860
which took a load of coat hangers
and tinsel and cleverly transformed

382
00:19:24,860 --> 00:19:27,900
them into a load of tinsel round
some coat hangers.

383
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:30,540
Now, you'll see how it
all fits together.

384
00:19:30,540 --> 00:19:33,620
Today, some people choose to turn
the outside of their homes

385
00:19:33,620 --> 00:19:35,580
into a giant Advent Crown.

386
00:19:35,580 --> 00:19:38,660
A jolly house covered in electric
lights may be expensive

387
00:19:38,660 --> 00:19:40,220
and use a lot of power,

388
00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:43,500
but it's the perfect way to cheer up
a world worried about climate change

389
00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:45,300
and dwindling resources.

390
00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:47,380
Of course, in Queen Victorian times,

391
00:19:47,380 --> 00:19:50,620
only the super rich had fancy
decorations.

392
00:19:50,620 --> 00:19:53,500
Ordinary, poor people had to
celebrate Christmas

393
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:56,940
by coughing and counting their
surviving offspring.

394
00:19:56,940 --> 00:19:59,860
Life in Queen Victorian times
was hard.

395
00:19:59,860 --> 00:20:03,060
The streets were full of urchins and
rippers, and there was so much

396
00:20:03,060 --> 00:20:06,700
poverty that people used to go to
prison just to get some bread.

397
00:20:06,700 --> 00:20:08,940
But there was one man who cared -

398
00:20:08,940 --> 00:20:11,540
the greatest prime minister
Britain ever had -

399
00:20:11,540 --> 00:20:13,780
Sir Charles Dickings.

400
00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:16,940
Charles Dickings wanted people to be
generous to those in greater

401
00:20:16,940 --> 00:20:21,020
need, like the poor,
the homeless or the dead,

402
00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:23,700
so he wrote something called
A Christmas Carol,

403
00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:26,580
which was something called a book.

404
00:20:26,580 --> 00:20:29,700
As seen in this powerful and
evocative adaptation,

405
00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:32,540
A Christmas Carol
is about Ebenezer Scrooge,

406
00:20:32,540 --> 00:20:34,580
a character almost as fully realised

407
00:20:34,580 --> 00:20:37,460
as Disney's superior Scrooge McDuck.

408
00:20:37,460 --> 00:20:40,020
Unlike Scrooge McDuck, he's human.

409
00:20:40,020 --> 00:20:43,220
And unlike most humans,
he hates Christmas.

410
00:20:43,220 --> 00:20:45,620
But then, in a terrifying
development,

411
00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:48,060
he starts getting visited by ghosts,

412
00:20:48,060 --> 00:20:51,500
like his house is built on some sort
of Indian burial ground.

413
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:55,060
The ghosts take him forward and
backwards in time to see different

414
00:20:55,060 --> 00:20:58,900
Christmases, like that thing on
Facebook that shows you old haircuts

415
00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:01,100
and people you don't talk
to anymore.

416
00:21:01,100 --> 00:21:04,620
One ghost shows him the future,
but it's only by a year,

417
00:21:04,620 --> 00:21:07,620
so it's still a Victorian future.

418
00:21:07,620 --> 00:21:11,300
As it is, he sees a future in which
everyone's delighted he's dead.

419
00:21:11,300 --> 00:21:15,100
This convinces him that Christmas is
actually brilliant, which,

420
00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:17,180
to be honest,
the ghost could have done

421
00:21:17,180 --> 00:21:20,540
by giving him a Chocolate Orange -
nobody can argue with that.

422
00:21:22,220 --> 00:21:24,060
After the Victorian era,

423
00:21:24,060 --> 00:21:26,740
good will to all men
caught on so much

424
00:21:26,740 --> 00:21:30,380
that it was almost 12 whole
years before everyone on the planet

425
00:21:30,380 --> 00:21:32,420
decided to kill each other
in the mud.

426
00:21:32,420 --> 00:21:35,060
Although it was scheduled to be over
by Christmas,

427
00:21:35,060 --> 00:21:38,140
the war with Germany
lasted four years.

428
00:21:38,140 --> 00:21:40,940
Mechanised conflict is the most
horrifying legacy

429
00:21:40,940 --> 00:21:45,620
of the 20th century, as anyone who's
seen Robot Wars will agree.

430
00:21:45,620 --> 00:21:49,380
But at Christmas 1914,
there was a brief ceasefire.

431
00:21:49,380 --> 00:21:51,060
The fighting stopped.

432
00:21:51,060 --> 00:21:54,940
Soldiers got out of their holes and
joined together in a place called

433
00:21:54,940 --> 00:21:58,180
No Man's Land, showing that,
even at moments of peace,

434
00:21:58,180 --> 00:22:02,300
men will still divide into two
sides and try to beat one another.

435
00:22:02,300 --> 00:22:06,100
The Great War claimed over
17 million lives, making it the

436
00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:09,580
worst incident of football-related
violence of all time.

437
00:22:09,580 --> 00:22:14,460
After the First World War, Christmas
spirit once again reigned supreme,

438
00:22:14,460 --> 00:22:16,180
until the Second World War.

439
00:22:16,180 --> 00:22:19,020
We don't know if Christmas happened
during Second War Two

440
00:22:19,020 --> 00:22:21,060
because there simply
aren't any records.

441
00:22:21,060 --> 00:22:24,980
But there's no footage of Hitler or
Churchill in Santa hats either,

442
00:22:24,980 --> 00:22:28,860
so it's safe to assume it was parked
while they twatted each other.

443
00:22:28,860 --> 00:22:32,700
Once Hitler had defeated the Nazis
by blowing his own brains out,

444
00:22:32,700 --> 00:22:34,780
Christmas returned with a bang

445
00:22:34,780 --> 00:22:38,500
and a second period of food-loving
indulgence dawned.

446
00:22:38,500 --> 00:22:41,060
The modern Christmas dinner
soon became an important

447
00:22:41,060 --> 00:22:45,180
cultural cornerstone of both society
and gravy adverts.

448
00:22:47,140 --> 00:22:49,060
Mum made the gravy.

449
00:22:49,060 --> 00:22:52,620
Could you talk me through what makes
a perfect Christmas dinner?

450
00:22:52,620 --> 00:22:55,260
Once you've got the right people
round the table,

451
00:22:55,260 --> 00:22:57,100
you need a light starter.

452
00:22:57,100 --> 00:22:59,660
If you give people too much...
Not prawn cocktails?

453
00:22:59,660 --> 00:23:02,700
No, no... Well, I don't know. A good
prawn cocktail is a lovely thing.

454
00:23:02,700 --> 00:23:05,220
I don't like prawns. Do you not?
No, they're bottom feeders.

455
00:23:05,220 --> 00:23:09,300
OK, I tend to do platters of
charcuterie, salami and ham, and

456
00:23:09,300 --> 00:23:11,540
maybe some pickles and things for
people to pick up.

457
00:23:11,540 --> 00:23:14,340
I won't have that. You wouldn't have
that? No. No? OK.

458
00:23:14,340 --> 00:23:17,100
And then you come to the main event,

459
00:23:17,100 --> 00:23:19,740
so maybe a three-bird roast or a
roast goose...

460
00:23:19,740 --> 00:23:23,500
bread sauce, gravy.
But I don't understand bread sauce.

461
00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:26,780
It's a great way of making a really
savoury sauce.

462
00:23:26,780 --> 00:23:29,780
Bread and sauce are two completely
different things, aren't they?

463
00:23:29,780 --> 00:23:33,260
Well, they are, but you can grind
the bread down

464
00:23:33,260 --> 00:23:37,300
and then cook it in milk to make
a really good sauce.

465
00:23:37,300 --> 00:23:40,740
It just looks like, sort of...jizz.

466
00:23:45,420 --> 00:23:48,420
Thanks to all this
food-based indulgence,

467
00:23:48,420 --> 00:23:52,300
scientists now believe that 80% of
all burps occur at Christmas,

468
00:23:52,300 --> 00:23:55,940
threatening to put a hole in the
oz-one layer at precisely the

469
00:23:55,940 --> 00:23:58,860
moment the sky is full of
vulnerable reindeer.

470
00:23:58,860 --> 00:24:02,700
Eating aside, the other popular form
of Christmas indulgence

471
00:24:02,700 --> 00:24:04,740
is gift-buying from shops.

472
00:24:04,740 --> 00:24:07,540
Critics say Christmas is too
commercialised

473
00:24:07,540 --> 00:24:11,140
and that the Bible has being
replaced by the Argos catalogue,

474
00:24:11,140 --> 00:24:14,260
just because it's got a better
selection of hair straighteners.

475
00:24:14,260 --> 00:24:17,140
Recently, Christmas shopping has
started to look less like a

476
00:24:17,140 --> 00:24:19,180
Supermarket Sweep Christmas special

477
00:24:19,180 --> 00:24:22,060
and more like a civil war with
carrier bags.

478
00:24:22,060 --> 00:24:26,460
No wonder more people than ever stay
indoors shopping on the computer.

479
00:24:26,460 --> 00:24:29,380
So, is Christmas all just about
buying stuff these days?

480
00:24:29,380 --> 00:24:31,820
How much money gets made
at Christmas?

481
00:24:31,820 --> 00:24:33,420
Altogether, I'm sure we spend

482
00:24:33,420 --> 00:24:35,740
hundreds of millions of pounds
at Christmas.

483
00:24:35,740 --> 00:24:38,620
And how big a cut does
the Church get?

484
00:24:38,620 --> 00:24:40,060
The Church doesn't get anything.

485
00:24:40,060 --> 00:24:42,420
They don't get anything? No. No.

486
00:24:42,420 --> 00:24:45,500
The supermarket near me has got
about 30 tills.

487
00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:48,980
How many tills does Amazon have?

488
00:24:48,980 --> 00:24:51,060
They must have loads.

489
00:24:51,060 --> 00:24:53,220
They don't have any tills.
What?

490
00:24:53,220 --> 00:24:54,940
They have a computer.

491
00:24:54,940 --> 00:24:58,340
One computer? Yeah. Because no-one
goes there, do they?

492
00:24:58,340 --> 00:25:00,940
They just... I know, but I thought
they still had to ring it through.

493
00:25:00,940 --> 00:25:03,060
Mmm. No, the computer does all that.

494
00:25:03,060 --> 00:25:05,780
So there's one man at a
computer, just going...?

495
00:25:05,780 --> 00:25:07,260
No, I don't think there's a man.

496
00:25:07,260 --> 00:25:11,500
No, no, it just goes automatically.
You do that. You're the till.

497
00:25:11,500 --> 00:25:15,420
Making money is so important at
Christmas that shops pull out all

498
00:25:15,420 --> 00:25:18,780
the stops to fill the screen with
jolly images of buying things

499
00:25:18,780 --> 00:25:22,340
and their adverts have evolved from
cheerful animated catalogues full of

500
00:25:22,340 --> 00:25:24,340
famous people smiling at you

501
00:25:24,340 --> 00:25:28,220
to heart-warming present-day mini
movies about infested trampolines.

502
00:25:30,860 --> 00:25:33,700
Adverts aren't the only programmes
on at Christmas -

503
00:25:33,700 --> 00:25:38,020
there are also programmes
on at Christmas.

504
00:25:38,020 --> 00:25:41,860
For decades, Christmas television
has been an enchanting place,

505
00:25:41,860 --> 00:25:45,260
a magical land where people danced
and sang in a doomed attempt

506
00:25:45,260 --> 00:25:48,620
to convey the sheer magic
of Christmas.

507
00:25:48,620 --> 00:25:52,020
A time in which newsreaders
cavorted with comedians,

508
00:25:52,020 --> 00:25:55,020
and real live snowmen
were gathered from the wild

509
00:25:55,020 --> 00:25:56,900
and encouraged to sing their

510
00:25:56,900 --> 00:25:59,700
haunting traditional songs
in the studio.

511
00:25:59,700 --> 00:26:02,740
THEY SING "JINGLE BELLS"

512
00:26:13,540 --> 00:26:17,580
But perhaps the most reassuring
Christmas programme is EastEnders,

513
00:26:17,580 --> 00:26:20,860
which for years has provided an
important public service

514
00:26:20,860 --> 00:26:25,900
by depicting worse families having
an even shitter time than yours.

515
00:26:25,900 --> 00:26:28,140
You're lying!

516
00:26:28,140 --> 00:26:30,380
What are you doing? Bianca!

517
00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:33,420
What are you doing?!

518
00:26:33,420 --> 00:26:36,660
Films are a mainstay at Christmas

519
00:26:36,660 --> 00:26:40,580
and one familiar film is the searing
musical The Sound Of Music,

520
00:26:40,580 --> 00:26:45,460
which is about a woman who sings to
hills about hills in the hills.

521
00:26:45,460 --> 00:26:49,580
# The hills are alive
with the sound of music... #

522
00:26:51,700 --> 00:26:53,460
It's always on at Christmas,

523
00:26:53,460 --> 00:26:56,780
probably because it's got nuns in
it so you think about Jesus.

524
00:26:56,780 --> 00:26:59,220
And also Nazis,

525
00:26:59,220 --> 00:27:03,140
so you think about The Great Escape,
which is probably on on Boxing Day.

526
00:27:03,140 --> 00:27:07,740
But the most Christmassy film of all
time is also the most exciting,

527
00:27:07,740 --> 00:27:09,380
Die Hard.

528
00:27:09,380 --> 00:27:13,220
People think Die Hard is a
gripping and exciting action film,

529
00:27:13,220 --> 00:27:15,700
just because, as you can see, it is,

530
00:27:15,700 --> 00:27:18,700
but it's also a heart-warming
Yuletide story

531
00:27:18,700 --> 00:27:20,740
full of the magic of Christmas.

532
00:27:20,740 --> 00:27:22,740
It's got everything...

533
00:27:22,740 --> 00:27:26,740
'Singing...'
HE SCREAMS

534
00:27:26,740 --> 00:27:28,500
'..a man up a chimney...'

535
00:27:28,500 --> 00:27:30,700
Warming yourself in front of a
roaring fire...

536
00:27:30,700 --> 00:27:33,980
Shit!

537
00:27:33,980 --> 00:27:36,460
'..while the snow flutters down
outside.'

538
00:27:36,460 --> 00:27:37,980
Brotherly love...

539
00:27:37,980 --> 00:27:40,420
'Hey, look, I love you...

540
00:27:40,420 --> 00:27:42,340
'So do a lot of the other guys.'

541
00:27:42,340 --> 00:27:45,700
..cranberry sauce,
excessive sherry drinking...

542
00:27:47,820 --> 00:27:50,580
God, that man looks really pissed.

543
00:27:50,580 --> 00:27:52,220
..season's greetings...

544
00:27:52,220 --> 00:27:54,100
Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

545
00:27:54,100 --> 00:27:57,300
..your dad conked out in a chair
wearing a Santa hat in his Christmas

546
00:27:57,300 --> 00:28:02,220
jumper, angels majestically soaring
through the air and, of course,

547
00:28:02,220 --> 00:28:04,060
Jesus Christ Powell.

548
00:28:04,060 --> 00:28:06,660
Jesus Christ, Powell!

549
00:28:06,660 --> 00:28:11,060
TV's becoming a thing of the olden
past, like sundials or ploughs,

550
00:28:11,060 --> 00:28:14,580
because, today, everyone has their
own little screen,

551
00:28:14,580 --> 00:28:18,260
so they can ignore their immediate
surroundings on an individual basis

552
00:28:18,260 --> 00:28:21,140
instead of as part of a
collective effort.

553
00:28:21,140 --> 00:28:24,580
We're often told to feel sorry for
those who are alone at Christmas,

554
00:28:24,580 --> 00:28:27,980
but these days that's all of us
and it's brilliant.

555
00:28:27,980 --> 00:28:29,820
Best of all, this kind of technology

556
00:28:29,820 --> 00:28:33,100
is set to become more immersive
than ever.

557
00:28:33,100 --> 00:28:36,740
For instance, this man from the year
2018

558
00:28:36,740 --> 00:28:39,380
is enjoying a virtual Christmas
with a family

559
00:28:39,380 --> 00:28:42,340
of characters from the
Nintendo universe.

560
00:28:42,340 --> 00:28:46,460
Meanwhile, this man is experiencing
the true meaning of Christmas by

561
00:28:46,460 --> 00:28:50,340
giving birth to a virtual baby Jesus
in a stable made of polygons.

562
00:28:50,340 --> 00:28:52,780
HE SCREAMS

563
00:28:52,780 --> 00:28:56,220
Today, the true meaning of Christmas
is a mystery,

564
00:28:56,220 --> 00:28:59,860
wrapped up in sherry and Monopoly
and monkey nuts,

565
00:28:59,860 --> 00:29:02,940
but at least, at this time of
togetherness and warmth,

566
00:29:02,940 --> 00:29:06,220
we can all agree what the true
spirit of Christmas is...

567
00:29:08,180 --> 00:29:09,700
Baileys.

568
00:29:10,900 --> 00:29:13,060
SHE SLURPS NOISILY

569
00:29:14,300 --> 00:29:17,500
Merry Christmas and a very New
Year.