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# La-la la-la-la
La-la la-la-la

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# La-la la-la-la-la-la

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# La-la la-la-la
La-la la-la-la

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# La-la la-la-la-la-la. #

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This programme contains
strong language, full frontal nudity
and adult humour.

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Bon soir, my British chums,

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and welcome to another wacky, tacky,

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can you believe they brought us
backy?

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Edition of Eurotrash.

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My name is Antoine de Caunes
and joining me, as always,

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is my beautiful blonde sidekick,
Monsieur Jean Paul Gaultier.

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Merci, Antoine.
Hello again, my friends.

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Whenever Channel 4 needs
intelligent political commentary

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on the situation in Europe,
they call us and I don't know why.

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Me neither, my little Jean Paul.

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But don't worry, my friends,
if anyone knows how to put

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the "dumb" into referen-DUM,
it's Eurotrash,

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so now let's get on with the show.
Yeah!

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Tonight, we use the referendum
as a shameless excuse to explore

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the nooks and crannies of Europe.

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So you can judge for yourself
what you could be waving goodbye to.

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Lovely!

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Coming up, we've got
a bit of the old...

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Get in there, Fido.

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..a bit of the new...

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Would you like to play with me?

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..and a bit of the poo.

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And, for those who want to see
the naughty bits, I'm afraid you'll

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have to wait a tiny bit longer until
we're safely after the watershed.

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Here at Eurotrash, we love animals.

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No, no, no, we tolerate animals.

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But when humans
and animals get too friendly, well,

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we have to stop them.

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For example...

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Once upon a time on Eurotrash,
Jean Paul had

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a pair of very special cardboard
chums - Pipi and Popo.

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So, Pipi and Popo,

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you have to be very nice
and do whatever I tell you to do.

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Open your mouth. Just kiss.
Do you like it?

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That's disgusting.

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So, good news is that Pipi and Popo

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are doing fine
and living in Mykonos.

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And I have a special new animal
friend. OK, you can come.

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Don't be shy. Here's a cookie.

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I'm afraid it's true,
we had a contractual obligation to

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give Jean Paul a furry new friend.

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This one is called Humanimal

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and he has the power to turn
himself into any creature

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that Jean Paul might desire.

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I try not to think about it.

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It's time we have to go back.

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We have to play in the house,
so you come with me.

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OK, I will make you a bath.
Come with me. Allez.

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That guy is a real sicko.

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British politicians tend to discuss
boring things like welfare cuts

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and the NHS,

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whereas their European counterparts
have always debated the things

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that really matter.

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Silicon implants should be banned.

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Whether it's the 100% Macho Party...

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Down with the modern woman!

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..the Belgian Banana Party...

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..or these Italian
revolutionaries.

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I want to legalise brothels.

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I'll tell you,
that's just what Italy needs.

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Our essential guide to Europe
begins in Italy with Cicciolina,

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the porn star who became
an MP for the Radical Party after

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proving surprisingly popular
with male voters.

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But after failing to win re-election
and turning to God,

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she passed the political baton on
to fellow porn starlet Eva Henger.

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Oh, it's for me?

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Hungarian-born Eva fell
so in love with her adopted country

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and painted herself
as the Italian flag.

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No-one wants to see that, love.

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A women should always dress herself
up a bit. You know,

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lots of nail varnish
and red lipstick.

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Maggie Thatcher might have been
a really clever woman

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but she wasn't very feminine,
was she?

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All right, Maestro.
Maestro Cicciolina!

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Ha-ha, Maestro Eva! Cheers.

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In 1998, Eva enlisted the help
of her political predecessor,

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Cicciolina,
to pen a song to unite Europe.

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Now, listen, what you gotta do
is really sort of sensually

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and sweetly, you know,

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get your gums round that mic.

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And this was the result. Eva's
passionate call for an open Europe.

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Why on earth wasn't that a hit?
What's wrong with people?

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Ti amo.

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In Marseille, politics
took on a different form entirely.

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I'd like to nominate my dog
Saucisse as an independent

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candidate for mayor.

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Here's the application, including
a record of his recent vaccinations.

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This two-year-old dachshund's
campaign manager

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claimed his main platform
was cleaning up the streets,

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and was itching to introduce
a system

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where hi-tech pooper scoopers

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were on constant alert
for any rogue doggy movements.

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He's basically saying
if our streets are full of shit

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then our city is full of shit,
and that means ultimately

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WE'RE full of shit.
It's a controversial message,

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and he's the only candidate
with the balls to say it -

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although he actually
doesn't have any balls

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cos I had 'em lopped off last year.

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'Bollocks! Bollocks!'

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Even with glamorous Eurotrash
guests,

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things have sometimes
got political -

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as an intimate chat
with supermodel Carla Bruni proved.

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Do you like my titties? Yes, yes,
I like very much your tittles.

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The future First Lady of France's
linguistic skills

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were no doubt appreciated by husband
President Sarkozy.

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But the couple weren't too thrilled

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when this clip resurfaced
a few years ago.

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..The new Hot! International
love and sex guides.

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Oh...!

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How would you like to say
"Put your finger in my bottom"?

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Can you stick your finger
in my bottom?

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I have to think about it.
I will tell you in five minutes.

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SHE SNIGGERS

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France has given the world
many legendary artists, designers,

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and noses such as Gerard Depardieu

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and of course the great
Monsieur Jean Paul Gaultier.

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Thank you, Antoine,
that's very nice of you.

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Yes, it is. And you know
what else would be very nice? No...

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If you said something nice about me.
Like what?

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Mr Depardoo-doo,
I think our British viewers

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would be very interested

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to hear your views on the UK's
upcoming referendum vote.

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How do you see it?

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HONK! HONK!

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Yes, agreed, but you surely see
the other side of the argument.

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CHORUS OF HONKING TRAFFIC HORNS

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Fascinating.
SQUELCHY SNEEZE

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Well, there you have it, my friends,
a Eurotrash exclusive -

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Gerard Depardoo-doo
on next week's big vote.

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HONK!

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So really nothing? You couldn't find
one nice thing to say about me?

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No. I don't see anything to say.

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FOGHORN

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Really?

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The next stop on the
Eurotrash European tour is Ukraine.

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They achieved political
independence in 1991.

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Since then, things have got,
well, a little bit odd.

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Everywhere you look,
it's bloody Barbies.

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Bizarrely, Odessa is under siege.

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Not from Russian separatists,

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but from a parade of pouting
plastic dolly birds.

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It all started with
the original Barbie -

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eternally 29-year-old

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Valeria Lukyanova.

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It's like a virus.

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All these little wannabe Barbies
running around.

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But for me it's not a game -
it's who I am.

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Model/singer/living doll Valeria

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claims she's had no cosmetic
alterations other than a boob job.

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Yeah, right(!)

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One of her rivals
is also having none of it.

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Oh, that is just, like, jokes.

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I mean, she's like, really old

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and she's got more fake body parts
than Frankenstein. Yah.

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But no Barbie collection
would be complete without a Ken.

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I decided to become Ken

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because he's like, the idea
of male beauty, so to speak.

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Cos he's got the cool car, the cool
house, complete with Jacuzzi -

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and of course he gets too shag
all the Barbies.

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I love you.
KISSING NOISE

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Valeria has built up a large
and loyal international following,

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partly due to photos like these

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but also thanks to
her YouTube channel,

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where hundreds and thousands
of young girls

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learn how to create

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the perfect dead-eye doll face.

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D'you think me eyes
look big in this?

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She's even starred
in her very first horror movie -

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aptly titled The Doll.

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There's...something wrong
with Natasha.

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As Eurotrash discovered,

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Valeria, seen here singing to her
pet python for no apparent reason,

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isn't like the rest of us.

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Greetings, earthlings...!

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In fact, she's from
another world entirely.

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I'm an alien.

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I come from a race
of superior beings,

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who look like monsters
on their own planet,

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but when they come to Earth
they look, like, perfect.

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Valeria is not the only space cadet
in Odessa -

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there's loads of them!

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Hiya. All right? Mwah.

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You all right, Chewie?

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WOOKIEE GRUNT

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'Ey, you coming to me party tonight?
It's gonna be a right laugh.

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Oh, that sounds fabulous.
I wouldn't miss it.

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Later that night,
at Odessa's premier disco venue,

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Ken arrived arm in arm with
one of his many Barbie admirers.

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WOOKIEE GRUNT

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As DJ Valeria rocked the house
with her wicked Slavic dance beats,

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Ken showed off
his best robotic dance moves!

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Which did nothing for Barbie. Or me.

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00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:05,300
I mean, he's all right, our Ken.

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Everything's in the right place,
like.

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But why would I settle for a little
kid when I can have meself a lord.

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That's my girl.
Always go with a bad boy.

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Just watch out for the lightsaber.

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00:10:16,660 --> 00:10:18,100
DARTH VADER: Oh, in you pop.

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00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:20,540
BARBIE: Oh, eh! Off me arse.

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After the break, hot, sexy pizzas.

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I'll have one of those.

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00:10:24,420 --> 00:10:25,740
Peaches on beaches.

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00:10:25,740 --> 00:10:26,780
Oh, yes!

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And a smoking hot supermodel.

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In a regulation from 1994,
the European Commission declares

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that all the cucumbers should be
straight.

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There can be no bendy cucumbers.

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00:10:51,620 --> 00:10:55,340
Ah, this was a real shame for me,
because my cucumber was always

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a little bit bendy to the right,
and everybody seemed to like it.

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Yes, Antoine. That was very, very
nice. And it still is, Jean Paul.

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00:11:03,220 --> 00:11:08,140
Speaking of strange vegetables,
this is Paco Parras.

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00:11:08,140 --> 00:11:11,420
Hello, Paco.
Hello, Antoine. Hello, Jean Paul.

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And if you don't know who
he is or why he's here,

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and I certainly don't,
then take a look at this.

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Hello, Jack, I've come to inspect
your plums. Leave it out, Paco.

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What do you get when you combine
Titchmarsh with Mystic Meg?

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Well, you get Senor Paco Porras,
Spain's most famous psychic,

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and a man who actually believes

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he can predict the future
just by fondling fruit and veg.

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Certain fruits and vegetables

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contain their own
sort of mystic energy.

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Their inner juices just flow with
psychic power.

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Now, for a Eurotrash exclusive,
the great Paco Porras

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will predict the result of next
week's referendum vote

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using only fruit and vegetables.

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Choose your weapon,
and don't LETTUCE...

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00:12:01,180 --> 00:12:03,580
get in your way. Music, maestro.

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00:12:03,580 --> 00:12:05,420
DRAMATIC MUSIC

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00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,020
SQUEAKING

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00:12:10,780 --> 00:12:12,140
SQUEAKING

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So, Paco, tell us,
what is the future of Great Britain?

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00:12:33,940 --> 00:12:35,460
In.

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CHEERING

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Yes! Wacko Paco predicts an In vote.

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I'm sure all the bookmakers
are rushing out

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to place their bets right now.

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RINGING

243
00:12:48,780 --> 00:12:50,580
Excuse me.

244
00:12:50,580 --> 00:12:52,500
Hello?

245
00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:54,220
Yes? Oh, OK.

246
00:12:54,220 --> 00:12:55,660
Merci. Good news, my friends.

247
00:12:55,660 --> 00:12:57,500
It's time for our next story.

248
00:12:58,940 --> 00:13:00,900
Europe has a rich cultural heritage.

249
00:13:00,900 --> 00:13:03,780
But Eurotrash has never been
interested in any of that.

250
00:13:03,780 --> 00:13:06,660
So, here's a look at some of the
less edifying delights

251
00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:07,980
we could be missing out on

252
00:13:07,980 --> 00:13:10,740
if we left the bosom of our
continental cousins.

253
00:13:13,020 --> 00:13:15,380
In Germany,
before Game Of Thrones even existed,

254
00:13:15,380 --> 00:13:19,100
mild-mannered mailmen
like this were turning themselves

255
00:13:19,100 --> 00:13:21,460
into full-blooded weekend
barbarians.

256
00:13:21,460 --> 00:13:23,700
Right, now I'm Altila the Hun.

257
00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:26,340
It was all part of the bizarre
Teutonic trend

258
00:13:26,340 --> 00:13:28,380
where otherwise sane individuals

259
00:13:28,380 --> 00:13:31,220
recreated the good old days
of rape and pillage.

260
00:13:31,220 --> 00:13:33,220
Lovely.

261
00:13:33,220 --> 00:13:35,660
After a quick ransack
of Markus & Spartacus...

262
00:13:35,660 --> 00:13:36,620
All right, love?

263
00:13:36,620 --> 00:13:38,620
He's a very nice-looking Hun,
isn't he?

264
00:13:38,620 --> 00:13:42,380
..the horde continued their cosplay
back at the fort with a hog roast

265
00:13:42,380 --> 00:13:45,580
and a glass of bull's blood.
Or the supermarket equivalent.

266
00:13:45,580 --> 00:13:47,300
Right, let's get hammered.

267
00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:49,540
It wasn't long before the insults
started to fly.

268
00:13:49,540 --> 00:13:51,420
Are you looking at my missus?

269
00:13:51,420 --> 00:13:53,660
Yeah. Have you shagged her?

270
00:13:53,660 --> 00:13:55,700
Yeah. Right, outside. I'll have you.

271
00:13:58,940 --> 00:14:00,660
Hello, pig.

272
00:14:00,660 --> 00:14:02,140
HE IMITATES PIG

273
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:06,180
No, he's not Bertie Bonkers,
he's just a lovable French farmer

274
00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:09,700
celebrating his nation's
passion for pork at a local fair.

275
00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:12,220
Shit. Missed the bastard.

276
00:14:12,220 --> 00:14:14,380
And while this may look like
it had descended

277
00:14:14,380 --> 00:14:16,660
into an all-nighter
at David Cameron's

278
00:14:16,660 --> 00:14:18,420
it was in fact the main event -

279
00:14:18,420 --> 00:14:21,460
the pig-squealing competition!

280
00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:22,780
HE IMITATES PIG

281
00:14:22,780 --> 00:14:24,700
This dynamic duo were
the competition's

282
00:14:24,700 --> 00:14:26,700
most serious participants.

283
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:30,780
Oh, we haven't eaten pork for 50
years. 50? More like 10 or 15.

284
00:14:30,780 --> 00:14:32,260
Get away. 50.

285
00:14:32,260 --> 00:14:34,100
Who gives a toss, anyway?

286
00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:36,140
HE SQUEALS

287
00:14:36,140 --> 00:14:39,700
Italy brought us the pizza
and also this pair of tossers -

288
00:14:39,700 --> 00:14:41,100
the Pizza Boys.

289
00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:44,340
They converted a great
culinary tradition

290
00:14:44,340 --> 00:14:46,420
into dance chart hit Oh Le Le -

291
00:14:46,420 --> 00:14:50,020
a song dedicated entirely to the
joys of the thin crust.

292
00:14:50,020 --> 00:14:52,100
# Oh le le... #

293
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:55,220
All we did was make pizzas,
and now we're bloody superstars.

294
00:14:55,220 --> 00:14:57,420
A lot of people say
I look like Ricky Martin.

295
00:14:57,420 --> 00:15:01,140
You know, being famous, we can have
as many birds as we want, innit?

296
00:15:01,140 --> 00:15:04,740
The boys' recipe for success also
included a saucy selection

297
00:15:04,740 --> 00:15:07,740
of erotic pizzas,
which they liked to call Love Pies.

298
00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:13,540
Right, gents, have you decided what
you want? I'll have one of those.

299
00:15:13,540 --> 00:15:15,780
In Spain, they have a cheeky
addition

300
00:15:15,780 --> 00:15:18,540
to their Christmas festivities -
the Catalan crapper,

301
00:15:18,540 --> 00:15:21,700
which represents the return
of nourishment to the soil.

302
00:15:23,820 --> 00:15:26,780
While the locals prepared
for their annual nativity, Joan,

303
00:15:26,780 --> 00:15:30,060
a real-life crapper, had his own
preparations to attend to,

304
00:15:30,060 --> 00:15:34,460
filling up on pork and beans
for a very special delivery.

305
00:15:34,460 --> 00:15:35,860
It's a very simple dish,

306
00:15:35,860 --> 00:15:38,260
but it don't half make you go
red in the face.

307
00:15:38,260 --> 00:15:41,260
There'll be a north wind blowing
tonight, I tell ya.

308
00:15:41,260 --> 00:15:44,500
Joan did provide a handsome
example of seasonal cheer.

309
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:46,060
Unfortunately, we can't show it,

310
00:15:46,060 --> 00:15:50,340
but photos of the Christmas crap are
available in the local city hall.

311
00:15:50,340 --> 00:15:52,860
Oh, nice one. Oh.
Nice Christmas crap.

312
00:15:55,500 --> 00:15:58,060
Joining us now for Euro Pops...

313
00:15:58,060 --> 00:16:02,460
in which we talk about euro
pop music is this most

314
00:16:02,460 --> 00:16:06,220
bewitching of beauties,
Miss Andreja PEJic.

315
00:16:06,220 --> 00:16:09,700
Did I pronounce it right?
No, it's PejIC, darling.

316
00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:11,740
Pej-IC.
(Pej-IC.)

317
00:16:11,740 --> 00:16:14,780
Andreja is one of my
favourite muses.

318
00:16:14,780 --> 00:16:19,860
But if you haven't seen her before,
here is a little sneaky peaky. Yes!

319
00:16:24,420 --> 00:16:27,340
The beautiful Andreja Pejic
actually began her life

320
00:16:27,340 --> 00:16:30,340
and career as Andre before
she transitioned.

321
00:16:32,340 --> 00:16:35,260
Born in Bosnia, Andre hit
the catwalks at the age of 18,

322
00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:38,580
and her androgynous chic immediately
caught the eye of...

323
00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:40,580
who else but Jean Paul Gaultier,

324
00:16:40,580 --> 00:16:44,180
who asked Andreja to be his bride,
at least on the runway.

325
00:16:47,260 --> 00:16:50,260
Since her sexual reassignment
surgery in 2014,

326
00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:52,500
Anreja has been in more
demand than ever,

327
00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:55,180
and was even chosen to
hop into bed with Tilda Swinton

328
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:58,660
and David Bowie in his video
The Stars Are Out Tonight.

329
00:16:58,660 --> 00:16:59,620
Lucky girl!

330
00:17:04,820 --> 00:17:10,060
So, Andreja, you make my dream come
true. Being in bed with David Bowie.

331
00:17:10,060 --> 00:17:11,900
Tell me all about it.

332
00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:13,900
I mean, are you kidding me?
It was incredible.

333
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,100
It's David fucking Bowie.

334
00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:19,420
My whole challenge was to
climb on top of him

335
00:17:19,420 --> 00:17:23,940
wearing six-inch heels,
stick a golden nail down his throat,

336
00:17:23,940 --> 00:17:26,780
take it out and give him
a kiss on the lips.

337
00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:29,380
I had to do that ten times.

338
00:17:29,380 --> 00:17:32,020
It was one of the greatest things
I've ever done in my life.

339
00:17:32,020 --> 00:17:33,820
Did you love his music?

340
00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:35,860
Hell, yes. Space Oddity, hello.

341
00:17:39,540 --> 00:17:43,100
Well, tell me something,
Andreja Pejic, how do you

342
00:17:43,100 --> 00:17:47,180
feel about big, beefy,
bold German men

343
00:17:47,180 --> 00:17:49,740
who sing loud industrial music?

344
00:17:51,580 --> 00:17:52,900
Kind of hot.

345
00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:54,260
Good.

346
00:17:54,260 --> 00:17:57,860
# Reines Mett und Speck
vom Schwein... #

347
00:17:57,860 --> 00:18:01,620
Our first slice of euro pop reflects
old-world Germanic values,

348
00:18:01,620 --> 00:18:04,420
when men looked like Popeye,
pumped iron and drank schnapps,

349
00:18:04,420 --> 00:18:07,060
and women did suggestive
things with sausages.

350
00:18:07,060 --> 00:18:08,900
Say, "Guten Tag" to Rummelsnuff.

351
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:15,300
This East Berlin beefcake
with the finest headgear

352
00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:17,580
since Jamiroquai is like many
skinheads,

353
00:18:17,580 --> 00:18:19,340
in that he looks tough at first,

354
00:18:19,340 --> 00:18:21,980
but then ends up wrestling naked
with his mates.

355
00:18:21,980 --> 00:18:25,220
I think old Rummy will need a cold
shower after that.

356
00:18:25,220 --> 00:18:26,980
Know I do.

357
00:18:29,620 --> 00:18:32,180
Andreja not only got to meet
David Bowie,

358
00:18:32,180 --> 00:18:36,340
but she also got to
meet one of my other English idols -

359
00:18:36,340 --> 00:18:38,100
the Queen of England.

360
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:39,980
So, what did you wear?

361
00:18:39,980 --> 00:18:44,260
Well, it was kind of like a '90s
secretary look. How did she react?

362
00:18:44,260 --> 00:18:47,580
She loved it. I think the Queen is
all about gender fluidity now.

363
00:18:48,780 --> 00:18:50,220
# Avocado

364
00:18:50,220 --> 00:18:51,540
# Avo-avocado

365
00:18:51,540 --> 00:18:53,420
# Avo-avocado... #

366
00:18:53,420 --> 00:18:56,060
If you're looking for the sexiest
girl group on the planet,

367
00:18:56,060 --> 00:18:59,420
and I certainly am,
then look no further than Nikita.

368
00:18:59,420 --> 00:19:00,900
Based in the Ukraine,

369
00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:04,500
they caused a Euro-wide sensation
with their promo called Ropes.

370
00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:10,860
To preserve their dignity
and ensure a PG rating,

371
00:19:10,860 --> 00:19:14,340
all the girls' naughty bits were
artfully covered up.

372
00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:18,220
Naturally, the promo inspired
a slew of parodies.

373
00:19:25,580 --> 00:19:28,580
The good news is you'll be seeing
a lot more of Nikita

374
00:19:28,580 --> 00:19:30,220
performing later in the show.

375
00:19:32,180 --> 00:19:36,260
A prince will become a princess,
a man will become a unicorn.

376
00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:39,420
This, my friends,
is the very magic of Europe.

377
00:19:39,420 --> 00:19:45,060
To celebrate this magic, we will now
have a special edition of Sit On Me.

378
00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:46,500
Music, maestro!

379
00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:48,820
JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

380
00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:55,900
You like it?

381
00:19:55,900 --> 00:19:56,900
It's nice, huh?

382
00:19:56,900 --> 00:20:00,340
Is it good for you?
Uh, it was good. A little bit short.

383
00:20:00,340 --> 00:20:02,300
I like it a little bit longer.

384
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:04,620
Ah, I just have to ask.
Music, maestro.

385
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:05,860
JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

386
00:20:08,740 --> 00:20:10,540
'Ugh, this could go on all day.'

387
00:20:20,980 --> 00:20:23,500
These amazing twins with
the amazing chins

388
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:26,020
are the 66-year-old
Bogdanoff brothers,

389
00:20:26,020 --> 00:20:28,740
France's answer to Brian Cox...

390
00:20:28,740 --> 00:20:30,020
if there were two of him.

391
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:34,420
BOTH: Learning together can be
super cool, so let's do it!

392
00:20:36,420 --> 00:20:38,660
And, yes, you absolutely deserve
an explanation

393
00:20:38,660 --> 00:20:39,900
for what you're seeing,

394
00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:42,140
and I promise you'll get one
as soon as the boys

395
00:20:42,140 --> 00:20:44,620
stop doing their Buzz Lightyear
impression.

396
00:20:46,660 --> 00:20:47,620
Oh, get on with it.

397
00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:51,100
Raised in a chateau
in the southwest of France,

398
00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:54,740
the precocious young Bogdanoffs
worshipped Albert Einstein.

399
00:20:54,740 --> 00:20:58,460
In their 20s, they were hosting
their very own science programme

400
00:20:58,460 --> 00:20:59,820
on French TV.

401
00:20:59,820 --> 00:21:01,700
Welcome aboard our control module.

402
00:21:01,700 --> 00:21:05,020
This is a 12th generation
ionic space ship.

403
00:21:05,020 --> 00:21:09,020
We're basically like a science-y
Ant and Dec of France.

404
00:21:09,020 --> 00:21:11,180
The show featured groovy
space-age graphics -

405
00:21:11,180 --> 00:21:13,060
better than Ant
and Dec's, actually.

406
00:21:13,060 --> 00:21:16,580
According to Igor and Grichka,
it was decades ahead of its time.

407
00:21:16,580 --> 00:21:19,900
We predicted the mobile phone
way back in 1980.

408
00:21:19,900 --> 00:21:21,700
Then we predicted the internet.

409
00:21:21,700 --> 00:21:23,380
People thought we were crazy,

410
00:21:23,380 --> 00:21:26,020
but it's more like we were
bloody Nostradamus.

411
00:21:26,020 --> 00:21:29,580
While the Bogdanoffs' scientific
credibility was never in question,

412
00:21:29,580 --> 00:21:34,500
they wrote a bestseller, Understand
The Big Bang In Three Minutes...

413
00:21:34,500 --> 00:21:38,260
The public did begin to notice
subtle changes in their appearance.

414
00:21:38,260 --> 00:21:40,260
OK, a little bit more than subtle.

415
00:21:40,260 --> 00:21:41,500
Who's a pretty boy, then?

416
00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:44,220
We've had absolutely no
cosmetic work done.

417
00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:46,460
We look different
because we are different.

418
00:21:46,460 --> 00:21:49,900
It's probably
because our brains are just bigger.

419
00:21:49,900 --> 00:21:51,060
As Eurotrash discovered

420
00:21:51,060 --> 00:21:53,620
when we followed the B boys
to a book-signing,

421
00:21:53,620 --> 00:21:55,620
their fans and the
scientific community

422
00:21:55,620 --> 00:21:59,380
feel the size of their heads has
been blown way out of proportion.

423
00:21:59,380 --> 00:22:02,820
It's about what they say,
not what they look like.

424
00:22:02,820 --> 00:22:04,100
But that's quite a look.

425
00:22:07,260 --> 00:22:10,580
Oh, they're great. They give me
a right hot flush, they do.

426
00:22:10,580 --> 00:22:12,700
The Bogdos don't like to
get bogged down.

427
00:22:12,700 --> 00:22:15,620
By day, they're busy
inspiring their students.

428
00:22:15,620 --> 00:22:17,260
Today we study the Big Bang!

429
00:22:18,220 --> 00:22:19,580
Which will be so much fun.

430
00:22:21,620 --> 00:22:24,860
And by night, they're busy tearing
up the Parisian discos.

431
00:22:27,260 --> 00:22:29,380
This video, called Bogda Bogdanoff,

432
00:22:29,380 --> 00:22:31,900
was a dance floor
hit in France last year,

433
00:22:31,900 --> 00:22:35,940
which gives you an indication of the
current state of French pop music.

434
00:22:35,940 --> 00:22:38,740
The track, which is basically
an ode to the twins' chins,

435
00:22:38,740 --> 00:22:41,380
has given the brothers
a taste of pop success.

436
00:22:41,380 --> 00:22:43,980
It seems to have gone
to their heads.

437
00:22:43,980 --> 00:22:45,540
Pop music is like physics.

438
00:22:45,540 --> 00:22:48,540
It's just a matter of formulating
it to the right equation.

439
00:22:48,540 --> 00:22:51,980
I predict that within a year or two,
we'll be top of the pop charts.

440
00:22:53,140 --> 00:22:56,100
Yes, that's right, boys.
To chinfinity and beyond.

441
00:22:58,780 --> 00:23:02,500
Coming up, Eddie Izzard
unravels about his European travels.

442
00:23:02,500 --> 00:23:04,660
We learn to spell on a bus.

443
00:23:04,660 --> 00:23:07,220
And we lounge around on a lilo
with Lolo.

444
00:23:07,220 --> 00:23:08,380
DOORBELL RINGS

445
00:23:19,500 --> 00:23:22,140
These big ears
and terrifying teeth have

446
00:23:22,140 --> 00:23:24,260
been in storage
for the past ten years,

447
00:23:24,260 --> 00:23:28,060
but I made sure to get them out
especially for tonight's show

448
00:23:28,060 --> 00:23:32,060
in the hope that I might offend
you once again, my British chums.

449
00:23:32,060 --> 00:23:34,020
For me, it was a lot more easy,

450
00:23:34,020 --> 00:23:37,900
because I dress up like
Camilla Parker Bowles all the time.

451
00:23:37,900 --> 00:23:41,860
Her sense of style has been
a big inspiration to me.

452
00:23:41,860 --> 00:23:44,540
Now, we know that you Brits
have fallen in love with

453
00:23:44,540 --> 00:23:47,620
Kate and William,
and little Georgie Porgie,

454
00:23:47,620 --> 00:23:51,220
and we know you believe
their marriage will last forever.

455
00:23:51,220 --> 00:23:53,380
THEY GIGGLE

456
00:23:55,460 --> 00:23:59,380
But we Frenchies still love
King Charles and Queen Camilla,

457
00:23:59,380 --> 00:24:02,820
and we want to make sure
you treat them properly.

458
00:24:02,820 --> 00:24:03,940
It's true.

459
00:24:03,940 --> 00:24:07,460
For France, the true face of
British royalty will always be this.

460
00:24:09,180 --> 00:24:12,460
And also, please bring back
that big redhead, Fergie.

461
00:24:12,460 --> 00:24:15,220
She was the only one with any class.

462
00:24:15,220 --> 00:24:19,780
Bon. All this talk about the
Royal Family is getting me excited,

463
00:24:19,780 --> 00:24:23,540
which is good,
because our next story is about sex.

464
00:24:24,940 --> 00:24:27,340
Say that again like you mean it.

465
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:28,180
Sex.

466
00:24:29,500 --> 00:24:30,660
HE GASPS

467
00:24:30,660 --> 00:24:34,980
You know, Cammy, you still get me
hot after all these years.

468
00:24:34,980 --> 00:24:36,740
You too, Charlie.

469
00:24:36,740 --> 00:24:37,820
You too.

470
00:24:39,940 --> 00:24:41,580
Hello.

471
00:24:41,580 --> 00:24:44,700
For the Brits, Europe has always
represented a land of fetish

472
00:24:44,700 --> 00:24:47,060
and fantasy,

473
00:24:47,060 --> 00:24:49,580
where lovely maidens
roam the streets, somehow having

474
00:24:49,580 --> 00:24:51,300
forgotten to put on their pants.

475
00:24:51,300 --> 00:24:54,820
Here, you're a right pair
of old tarts, in't ya?

476
00:24:54,820 --> 00:24:56,940
Ignoring the proliferation
of naked Germans,

477
00:24:56,940 --> 00:25:00,700
here's our cheeky guide
to what else Europe has to offer.

478
00:25:00,700 --> 00:25:02,940
Ooh, hello.

479
00:25:02,940 --> 00:25:07,060
Eurotrash has covered man on woman,
woman on woman,

480
00:25:07,060 --> 00:25:11,340
man on man,
and old woman on adult baby.

481
00:25:11,340 --> 00:25:14,300
Eugh! My little baby wet himself,
naughty boy.

482
00:25:14,300 --> 00:25:17,060
In fact, we've covered it all,
especially when it comes

483
00:25:17,060 --> 00:25:19,020
to the world of fetish.
Get in there, Fido.

484
00:25:20,340 --> 00:25:22,300
And rubber has always
been on the menu,

485
00:25:22,300 --> 00:25:24,100
as this next individual proves.

486
00:25:25,900 --> 00:25:28,660
Hello, Eurotrash. I'm Mr Blow Up.

487
00:25:30,580 --> 00:25:33,980
Great Britain's contribution to
our European tour of titillation

488
00:25:33,980 --> 00:25:34,900
was Mr Blow Up.

489
00:25:36,940 --> 00:25:38,140
Oh, hello, come in.

490
00:25:38,140 --> 00:25:40,260
The Blow Ups held regular
rubber-wear parties to

491
00:25:40,260 --> 00:25:41,980
show off their latest creations,

492
00:25:41,980 --> 00:25:45,420
and the Blow Ups' gear was specially
designed with safety in mind.

493
00:25:45,420 --> 00:25:48,940
Personal hygiene, on the other hand,
was up for grabs.

494
00:25:48,940 --> 00:25:52,620
Are you all right in there?
Yes, thanks, I'm perfect. Oh, good.

495
00:25:54,780 --> 00:25:56,860
The Blow Ups were
so proud of their fetish,

496
00:25:56,860 --> 00:26:00,100
they wanted to share it
with the rest of the world.

497
00:26:00,100 --> 00:26:03,020
Sadly, they only got as far
as the outskirts of Croydon,

498
00:26:03,020 --> 00:26:05,820
but the reaction was still
pretty positive.

499
00:26:05,820 --> 00:26:08,700
It's all nice and "woo."
It's like a bouncy castle.

500
00:26:11,300 --> 00:26:12,620
In Germany, Eurotrash exposed

501
00:26:12,620 --> 00:26:15,620
the utterly bizarre and
toe-curling world of sneaker-sex,

502
00:26:15,620 --> 00:26:18,900
and met athletic footwear aficionado
Daniel Zirngibl.

503
00:26:20,380 --> 00:26:23,020
Well, my favourite
sneaker smell is the one you get

504
00:26:23,020 --> 00:26:24,700
off a freshly-worn trainer.

505
00:26:24,700 --> 00:26:27,420
Desperate Dan,
who spends most of his spare time

506
00:26:27,420 --> 00:26:31,540
and spare cash on trainers, was
on the lookout for a new soulmate.

507
00:26:31,540 --> 00:26:34,780
Oh, orange and blue.
Cracking colour combination.

508
00:26:37,100 --> 00:26:41,180
In search of rarer and more pungent
aromas to spice up his sex life,

509
00:26:41,180 --> 00:26:44,740
Daniel dipped his toe into the
underground sneaker-swapping scene.

510
00:26:44,740 --> 00:26:48,380
"Oh, what's in here? Oh, would you
get a load of that, you two?"

511
00:26:48,380 --> 00:26:51,540
"No, thanks, I don't do green ones."
"I'd love to, but..."

512
00:26:54,340 --> 00:26:56,460
Ooh, mind you don't hyperventilate.

513
00:26:58,340 --> 00:26:59,980
In Austria, sexual gymnastics

514
00:26:59,980 --> 00:27:03,180
and sporting endeavour combined
to form the Sex Olympics,

515
00:27:03,180 --> 00:27:06,140
which saw contestants
from all over Europe competing

516
00:27:06,140 --> 00:27:09,620
in various dubious disciplines,
including nipple nibbling...

517
00:27:10,820 --> 00:27:12,980
..and orgasm faking,

518
00:27:12,980 --> 00:27:15,980
whatever that is!
Hee-hee! Oh, there we are.

519
00:27:15,980 --> 00:27:19,260
It's a very difficult discipline,
you know. My nipples are killing me.

520
00:27:19,260 --> 00:27:22,780
After hours of sweaty competition,
the eventual winner was Manfred.

521
00:27:22,780 --> 00:27:24,180
APPLAUSE

522
00:27:24,180 --> 00:27:28,100
For those Rio 2016 hopefuls who
don't quite match up to Manfred,

523
00:27:28,100 --> 00:27:31,380
don't worry.
For him, size isn't everything.

524
00:27:31,380 --> 00:27:35,380
My greatest asset isn't me willy,
but me sensitivity.

525
00:27:35,380 --> 00:27:38,700
Oh, come on, Manfred,
who cares about your sensitivity?

526
00:27:38,700 --> 00:27:40,860
Can someone pass me a ruler?
SHE CHUCKLES

527
00:27:43,340 --> 00:27:48,100
Over the years, the question we get
asked most frequently is - "Antoine,

528
00:27:48,100 --> 00:27:52,180
"Jean Paul, who really wears the
trousers in the Eurotrash family?"

529
00:27:52,180 --> 00:27:56,620
It is true. It's always the same,
you know? "Are you gay? Is he gay?

530
00:27:56,620 --> 00:28:00,020
"Top, bottom, pee pee, po po,
chicken or fishy?"

531
00:28:00,020 --> 00:28:01,660
And I say to you, my friends,

532
00:28:01,660 --> 00:28:05,700
let's live in a world where
we don't have to make a choice.

533
00:28:05,700 --> 00:28:08,620
A world where we are free
to have both.

534
00:28:08,620 --> 00:28:11,220
Pee pee on po po,
or chicken on fishy.

535
00:28:11,220 --> 00:28:14,620
I think what my little Jean Paul is
trying to say is that

536
00:28:14,620 --> 00:28:17,340
we all have a deep hunger
for happiness in our lives,

537
00:28:17,340 --> 00:28:21,580
and, whether we satisfy that hunger
through chicken or fishy,

538
00:28:21,580 --> 00:28:25,660
or bi-curious combination of both,
well, the important thing is

539
00:28:25,660 --> 00:28:29,860
to take a big bite out of life
and then to swallow it with pride.

540
00:28:31,940 --> 00:28:33,900
Are you OK? No.

541
00:28:33,900 --> 00:28:35,540
No. You want some chicken? No.

542
00:28:36,820 --> 00:28:38,220
You want some fishy? No.

543
00:28:38,220 --> 00:28:40,500
You want chicken and fishy? Yes!

544
00:28:43,140 --> 00:28:44,500
SQUAWK!

545
00:28:44,500 --> 00:28:49,300
Hello, Eurotrash, I'm Charlie,
and this is a chick with a dick.

546
00:28:49,300 --> 00:28:50,980
SQUAWKING

547
00:28:53,580 --> 00:28:56,660
To keep you abreast of the latest
in contemporary French fashion,

548
00:28:56,660 --> 00:29:00,380
Eurotrash popped to Paris to meet
wig wizard, Mr Charlie Le Mindu.

549
00:29:02,660 --> 00:29:06,020
Well, hair is me fetish.
I love the feel of it, you know?

550
00:29:06,020 --> 00:29:08,140
It really turns me on.

551
00:29:08,140 --> 00:29:11,580
This enfant terrible of haute
coiffure has fiddled with

552
00:29:11,580 --> 00:29:13,820
the follicles of the famous.

553
00:29:13,820 --> 00:29:19,500
Not only is Lady Gaga GA-GA over
Charlie, he's also given great hair

554
00:29:19,500 --> 00:29:24,220
to Lana Del Rey, Florence Welch,
and our very own Antoine de Caunes.

555
00:29:25,460 --> 00:29:28,020
Along with his hair-raising
creations, Charlie is

556
00:29:28,020 --> 00:29:32,060
notorious for nudity and rudity
on the runways of London and Paris.

557
00:29:33,740 --> 00:29:37,060
I think all naked bodies are sexy,
fat or thin.

558
00:29:41,620 --> 00:29:43,300
When Charlie and his hairy hog

559
00:29:43,300 --> 00:29:47,460
hit the streets of Paris,
Eurotrash was happy to follow.

560
00:29:47,460 --> 00:29:50,020
Oi-oi, I've got some lube,
and bananas.

561
00:29:50,020 --> 00:29:52,460
In rehearsal for his latest project,
Charlie showed

562
00:29:52,460 --> 00:29:56,220
he was a man of many talents,
starting with a hands-on lube job...

563
00:29:56,220 --> 00:29:58,460
Ta, Charlie, that feels really nice.

564
00:29:58,460 --> 00:30:01,380
..followed by some hairplay...
Hey! Watch me barnet.

565
00:30:01,380 --> 00:30:03,660
..and climaxing
with his own choreography.

566
00:30:06,260 --> 00:30:09,540
I love Charlie's universe,
cos it's dead raunchy, like.

567
00:30:09,540 --> 00:30:12,140
And, well, you know, I'm worth it.

568
00:30:14,500 --> 00:30:17,500
It's all part of Charliewood,
his ambitious new production,

569
00:30:17,500 --> 00:30:22,940
which mixes burlesque and fashion,
raunchy chickens and naughty noses.

570
00:30:22,940 --> 00:30:26,500
Charliewood is like a theme park.
It's like a living exhibition.

571
00:30:26,500 --> 00:30:29,220
Bizarre, yes, but what do you
expect from a guy who has

572
00:30:29,220 --> 00:30:31,420
the Gypsi Kings
tattooed on his eyelids?

573
00:30:32,500 --> 00:30:34,540
I know, the Gypsi Kings suck.

574
00:30:34,540 --> 00:30:36,660
I got this tat of Lidl,
me favourite store,

575
00:30:36,660 --> 00:30:41,500
I got this cool pigeon,
and "LOVE COCK," of course.

576
00:30:41,500 --> 00:30:42,460
Squirt.

577
00:30:42,460 --> 00:30:44,220
And then there's this handy ruler,

578
00:30:44,220 --> 00:30:46,260
but the less said about that,
the better.

579
00:30:46,260 --> 00:30:48,060
Ooh.

580
00:30:49,260 --> 00:30:51,900
Later that night,
Charlie invited us back to his gaff.

581
00:30:51,900 --> 00:30:55,020
Aah, all right, Brian? Mwah, mwah.

582
00:30:55,020 --> 00:30:57,540
As the guests arrived,
we headed out to the garden,

583
00:30:57,540 --> 00:30:59,660
where the hen party
was really heating up.

584
00:30:59,660 --> 00:31:01,900
Fresh eggs were popped out
and collected,

585
00:31:01,900 --> 00:31:03,700
the chicken breasts were tenderised,

586
00:31:03,700 --> 00:31:07,580
and then the big bird was finished
off with a fistful of seasoning.

587
00:31:08,780 --> 00:31:11,300
The dinner looked delicious,
as long as you don't mind

588
00:31:11,300 --> 00:31:13,860
hair in your food
or a bit of eggy conversation.

589
00:31:15,660 --> 00:31:18,620
Doesn't it bother you,
eating your own children? Mm?

590
00:31:18,620 --> 00:31:21,020
SINISTER LAUGHTER

591
00:31:21,020 --> 00:31:22,700
ALL: To Charlie and sex!

592
00:31:22,700 --> 00:31:25,820
NARRATOR: Well, we'll drink
to that, shall we? Bottoms up.

593
00:31:31,580 --> 00:31:34,780
Joining me now is the marathon
man of British comedy,

594
00:31:34,780 --> 00:31:36,980
the multi-talented, multi-lingual,

595
00:31:36,980 --> 00:31:39,420
and just multi-multi
Monsieur Eddie Izzard.

596
00:31:39,420 --> 00:31:40,860
Bonsoir, Monsieur Eddie Izzard.

597
00:31:40,860 --> 00:31:44,540
Bonsoir, Antoine.
Buenos noches. Guten abend.

598
00:31:44,540 --> 00:31:46,500
And other things like that. OK.

599
00:31:46,500 --> 00:31:49,580
If any of you Brits are planning
to come to Europe this summer,

600
00:31:49,580 --> 00:31:51,900
please don't.
We have enough of you already.

601
00:31:51,900 --> 00:31:55,100
But if you insist,
Eddie has kindly agreed to give us

602
00:31:55,100 --> 00:31:57,460
some tips for places to visit. Yup.

603
00:31:57,460 --> 00:32:00,500
OK. Yup. Are you ready? Ready. Go.

604
00:32:00,500 --> 00:32:04,140
OK, you could go to Avignon, sur le
pont d'Avignon, that's a bridge.

605
00:32:04,140 --> 00:32:06,420
Pont, and you can go there,
you can dance.

606
00:32:06,420 --> 00:32:08,140
You can go to Antibes,
sleep on the beach,

607
00:32:08,140 --> 00:32:10,940
and the police will wake you up
with a hosepipe. That's quite fun.

608
00:32:10,940 --> 00:32:13,020
Go to the CERN Collider.
It's in Switzerland.

609
00:32:13,020 --> 00:32:14,580
If you run fast enough,
you will meet God.

610
00:32:14,580 --> 00:32:16,060
You can have a cup of tea, ask him

611
00:32:16,060 --> 00:32:18,380
what he was doing
during the Second World War.

612
00:32:18,380 --> 00:32:21,140
You can go to France
and just be rude to waiters.

613
00:32:21,140 --> 00:32:23,220
Be rude to the waiter
before they're rude to you.

614
00:32:23,220 --> 00:32:24,500
French people would like that.

615
00:32:24,500 --> 00:32:28,300
Go to China. China is not part
of Europe, but if you spell China...

616
00:32:28,300 --> 00:32:31,060
China's actually
an anagram of, erm...

617
00:32:31,060 --> 00:32:32,340
France.

618
00:32:32,340 --> 00:32:35,820
Thank you very much, Mr Eddie
Izzard. Thank you very much.

619
00:32:35,820 --> 00:32:36,740
Pas de probleme.

620
00:32:38,180 --> 00:32:40,620
NARRATOR: As Eurovision
reminds us each year,

621
00:32:40,620 --> 00:32:43,060
Europe is awash
with second-rate talent.

622
00:32:44,660 --> 00:32:46,260
BELCHING

623
00:32:46,260 --> 00:32:49,660
Nonetheless, Eurotrash has
always strived to be your guide to,

624
00:32:49,660 --> 00:32:51,940
if not the best,
then at least the jolliest

625
00:32:53,860 --> 00:32:55,580
..and the walliest...

626
00:32:55,580 --> 00:32:57,140
Wow! Wow! Wow!

627
00:32:57,140 --> 00:33:00,380
..that Euro-tainment has to offer.
It's cool, man.

628
00:33:02,180 --> 00:33:05,500
Our first pick of the pops is
Michael Nikoley, Europe's most

629
00:33:05,500 --> 00:33:10,500
desperate musician, with 217 songs
rejected by music publishers.

630
00:33:10,500 --> 00:33:14,020
I want to be a famous rock star,
so I can afford expensive cars and

631
00:33:14,020 --> 00:33:17,660
trash hotel rooms and be surrounded
by beautiful, naked birds.

632
00:33:17,660 --> 00:33:18,980
Michael is no quitter.

633
00:33:18,980 --> 00:33:22,140
Here, he prepares for
his 218th attempt -

634
00:33:22,140 --> 00:33:24,620
a love song dedicated
to his favourite snack.

635
00:33:47,380 --> 00:33:51,220
In the Balearics, the self-styled
"King Of Majorca," Jurgen Drews,

636
00:33:51,220 --> 00:33:56,820
rules, alongside his lovely
and 23-years-younger Queen, Ramona.

637
00:33:56,820 --> 00:33:59,900
Tourists travel literally yards
to get close to this sun-kissed,

638
00:33:59,900 --> 00:34:01,300
sexy pair.

639
00:34:01,300 --> 00:34:04,580
A lot of people in the music biz say
I'm just a dirty old man,

640
00:34:04,580 --> 00:34:07,940
but to be honest with you,
I couldn't give a toss.

641
00:34:07,940 --> 00:34:10,580
And there's never a shortage
of young girls queueing up to

642
00:34:10,580 --> 00:34:12,300
snatch Ramona's man.

643
00:34:12,300 --> 00:34:15,860
Well, Jurgen's the King, inn'he?
The King Of Majorca. Majorca, yeah.

644
00:34:15,860 --> 00:34:18,820
He's funny, he's sexy,
and he really rocks, you know?

645
00:34:21,060 --> 00:34:24,220
In Germany, it's hard to miss
their biggest musical attraction -

646
00:34:24,220 --> 00:34:27,060
Wildecker Herzbuben,
or The Wild Heart Boys,

647
00:34:27,060 --> 00:34:30,740
the most popular German
folk duo of all time.

648
00:34:30,740 --> 00:34:34,860
We've always been known as the band
with two fat blokes in.

649
00:34:34,860 --> 00:34:38,140
But getting the band onto the stage
can prove quite a challenge.

650
00:34:38,140 --> 00:34:40,420
I'm sorry, chaps,
you're going to have to get out.

651
00:34:40,420 --> 00:34:41,780
We'll never get up the hill.

652
00:34:43,220 --> 00:34:46,020
But once there,
they really get the crowd rocking.

653
00:34:48,780 --> 00:34:51,300
Well, they're absolutely fantastic,
you know?

654
00:34:51,300 --> 00:34:53,900
And they're talented and...
Oh, they're so gorgeous.

655
00:34:53,900 --> 00:34:55,660
I'm quite moist.

656
00:34:55,660 --> 00:34:59,340
Hello, Eurotrash, I'm Randy.
Do you want to see my magic wand?

657
00:34:59,340 --> 00:35:02,580
But Germany's most
memorable contributor

658
00:35:02,580 --> 00:35:05,540
to our artistic grand tour
is Magic Randy,

659
00:35:05,540 --> 00:35:07,620
a man who always likes
to look the part.

660
00:35:09,580 --> 00:35:12,460
Personal grooming is
very important to me.

661
00:35:12,460 --> 00:35:14,980
I think, if you're going
to touch members of the audience,

662
00:35:14,980 --> 00:35:17,060
the least you can do is smell nice.

663
00:35:17,060 --> 00:35:19,500
Whilst his tricks are impressive,
let's be honest,

664
00:35:19,500 --> 00:35:22,180
it's his magic wand
that's the main attraction.

665
00:35:24,340 --> 00:35:25,740
Good news, my friends.

666
00:35:25,740 --> 00:35:30,460
It's time for another of my
incredible European Union Fun Facts.

667
00:35:34,740 --> 00:35:36,020
Today's fact -

668
00:35:36,020 --> 00:35:42,900
did you know that the European Union
has 23 official languages? 23!

669
00:35:42,900 --> 00:35:44,620
Ah, that's amazing, Jean Paul,

670
00:35:44,620 --> 00:35:47,780
but to help you better understand
the European Union, I have

671
00:35:47,780 --> 00:35:52,180
cleverly had a map of Europe painted
onto the body of a semi-naked

672
00:35:52,180 --> 00:35:55,420
contortionist, just trying
to keep things interesting.

673
00:35:57,300 --> 00:35:58,380
Et voila!

674
00:35:58,380 --> 00:36:01,540
Watch as all the little
countries bend

675
00:36:01,540 --> 00:36:06,380
and stretch and work together
to make one beautiful union.

676
00:36:06,380 --> 00:36:10,820
Yes, watch as bloated bureaucrats
in Brussels tell everybody

677
00:36:10,820 --> 00:36:13,380
how to drive their cars,
and make their cheese,

678
00:36:13,380 --> 00:36:16,060
and soon we will end up
arse over tit, like this.

679
00:36:17,180 --> 00:36:20,380
I think I like arse over tits.
Yeah, I'm not surprised.

680
00:36:23,180 --> 00:36:24,420
After the break,

681
00:36:24,420 --> 00:36:27,260
things get cultural as this lady
roams the museum halls,

682
00:36:27,260 --> 00:36:29,940
this man paints with his balls,

683
00:36:29,940 --> 00:36:33,140
plus we take a look back
at the biggest breasts of all.

684
00:36:43,020 --> 00:36:46,940
I was so excited to be back
with my old pal Jean Paul Gaultier

685
00:36:46,940 --> 00:36:50,740
that I commissioned an artist
to paint his portrait

686
00:36:50,740 --> 00:36:53,980
and I knew there was only
one knob for the job -

687
00:36:53,980 --> 00:36:56,860
the master painter, Pricasso.

688
00:36:58,500 --> 00:36:59,820
G'day! I'm Pricasso -

689
00:36:59,820 --> 00:37:03,780
it's a combination of "prick"
and Picasso and, yes,

690
00:37:03,780 --> 00:37:05,780
I work wonders with my willy.

691
00:37:07,940 --> 00:37:11,060
As you can tell by his accent
and hair colouring,

692
00:37:11,060 --> 00:37:15,140
Pricasso comes from
the British colony of Australia,

693
00:37:15,140 --> 00:37:17,380
and if you're wondering
why an Australian

694
00:37:17,380 --> 00:37:19,260
is on a show about Europe,

695
00:37:19,260 --> 00:37:22,060
we can give you three good reasons.

696
00:37:22,060 --> 00:37:23,460
Number one -

697
00:37:23,460 --> 00:37:26,420
if Eurovision can have
Australian, why not us?

698
00:37:26,420 --> 00:37:30,500
Number two -
because he paints with his penis.

699
00:37:30,500 --> 00:37:33,300
And number three -
because he paints with his penis.

700
00:37:33,300 --> 00:37:36,740
But I guess the big question,
Mr Pricasso, is why?

701
00:37:36,740 --> 00:37:39,260
Well, when I first
thought of the idea, I just thought,

702
00:37:39,260 --> 00:37:40,660
"If I get really good at this,

703
00:37:40,660 --> 00:37:44,260
"I can make a living by doing
the three things I like best -

704
00:37:44,260 --> 00:37:48,420
"creating art, being naked
and playing with my penis." Ah!

705
00:37:48,420 --> 00:37:50,740
Have you ever painted
with an erect penis?

706
00:37:50,740 --> 00:37:53,700
Ah, yeah, quite a few times, yep,
at parties and things like that.

707
00:37:53,700 --> 00:37:56,540
Do you use also your balls?

708
00:37:56,540 --> 00:37:57,700
I do, yeah, yeah.

709
00:37:57,700 --> 00:38:01,460
You can sort of hold the whole lot
together like that and dip it in.

710
00:38:01,460 --> 00:38:04,020
I see. And then scrub away
like that.

711
00:38:04,020 --> 00:38:05,420
Oh, it gets quicker.

712
00:38:05,420 --> 00:38:08,460
It's quicker, yeah. You can cover
a big area very quickly. Oh, I see.

713
00:38:08,460 --> 00:38:09,660
Nice. Bon!

714
00:38:09,660 --> 00:38:13,420
While Pricasso gets ready to finish
things off, let's take a little walk

715
00:38:13,420 --> 00:38:18,580
down Memory and Mammary Lane with
a loving look back at Lolo Ferrari.

716
00:38:20,900 --> 00:38:22,740
Tonight, we are proud to present

717
00:38:22,740 --> 00:38:24,820
three of the biggest stars
in France -

718
00:38:24,820 --> 00:38:28,980
Lolo Ferrari and her incredible,
edible, bouncing boobies!

719
00:38:28,980 --> 00:38:31,060
Hello, boobies! Hello!

720
00:38:31,060 --> 00:38:34,060
# I've got a lovely
bunch of coconuts... #

721
00:38:34,060 --> 00:38:36,220
So, what does Lolo mean?

722
00:38:36,220 --> 00:38:39,660
TRANSLATION: Lolo means big tits.

723
00:38:39,660 --> 00:38:42,660
Lolo Ferrari and
her breathtaking boobies

724
00:38:42,660 --> 00:38:44,940
were firm favourites
in the Eurotrash family,

725
00:38:44,940 --> 00:38:48,500
and Lolo, who boasted the world's
biggest breasts - size 54J -

726
00:38:48,500 --> 00:38:50,740
knew which side
her boobs were buttered.

727
00:38:50,740 --> 00:38:54,300
TRANSLATION: Let's face it -
men are obsessed with their mothers

728
00:38:54,300 --> 00:38:57,020
and the first connection
they have is through the breast.

729
00:38:57,020 --> 00:38:59,380
That's a source of
comfort and nourishment,

730
00:38:59,380 --> 00:39:00,820
so men take one look at me

731
00:39:00,820 --> 00:39:03,900
and it's like, you know, big sexy
mama with the massive wangers.

732
00:39:03,900 --> 00:39:06,420
In order to create her unique look,

733
00:39:06,420 --> 00:39:10,100
she employed the services of one
of America's hottest engineers.

734
00:39:11,860 --> 00:39:16,060
He's actually the geezer that
works for Boeing and he, erm,

735
00:39:16,060 --> 00:39:18,700
you know, he designs the 747.

736
00:39:18,700 --> 00:39:22,100
SHE GIGGLES

737
00:39:22,100 --> 00:39:26,660
We were there when Lolo started her
girl group, The Silicone Girls.

738
00:39:26,660 --> 00:39:28,820
However, her backup singers
were required

739
00:39:28,820 --> 00:39:30,900
to make a few minor changes
before joining.

740
00:39:30,900 --> 00:39:33,740
# I'm only half of me... #

741
00:39:36,060 --> 00:39:37,860
And it was in Look At Lolo,

742
00:39:37,860 --> 00:39:39,940
accompanied by her
two hunks in trunks,

743
00:39:39,940 --> 00:39:44,100
that Lolo Ferrari really had
British TV audiences gripped

744
00:39:44,100 --> 00:39:46,860
with her expertise in gardening,

745
00:39:46,860 --> 00:39:48,620
ability to stroll round
supermarkets,

746
00:39:48,620 --> 00:39:52,180
how to hula hoop and her intimate
knowledge of modern technology.

747
00:39:52,180 --> 00:39:54,780
Telephone, television, satellite...
BELL DINGS

748
00:39:54,780 --> 00:39:58,020
..internet, CD-ROM, microwave...
BELL DINGS

749
00:39:58,020 --> 00:40:00,220
..liposuction...
BUZZING

750
00:40:00,220 --> 00:40:01,940
Plastic surgery,
BUZZING

751
00:40:01,940 --> 00:40:04,420
Viagra, personal computer...
BELL DINGS

752
00:40:04,420 --> 00:40:08,020
..credit card, home video,
electric...
BELL DINGS

753
00:40:08,020 --> 00:40:09,140
..panties,
BUZZING

754
00:40:09,140 --> 00:40:10,700
silicone...
BELL DINGS

755
00:40:10,700 --> 00:40:13,820
Yes, Lolo shows you everything!

756
00:40:13,820 --> 00:40:15,900
Yes! Thank you, Lolo!

757
00:40:15,900 --> 00:40:18,300
THEY LAUGH

758
00:40:24,340 --> 00:40:29,940
Well, we are back and I'm very
excited to say that Pricasso has

759
00:40:29,940 --> 00:40:35,580
just about completed his historic
penile portrait of Jean Paul.

760
00:40:35,580 --> 00:40:39,620
Does it bother you to have his penis
so close to your mouth? Not at all.

761
00:40:39,620 --> 00:40:41,380
That's fine, you know, for me.

762
00:40:41,380 --> 00:40:43,780
Ah, Pricasso,
would you sign it for Jean Paul?

763
00:40:43,780 --> 00:40:45,420
I will do right now, yeah.

764
00:40:45,420 --> 00:40:48,100
FANFARE

765
00:40:48,100 --> 00:40:50,300
Oh, bravo!
THEY APPLAUD

766
00:40:50,300 --> 00:40:54,180
Fantastic! Thank you so much.
I need to clean myself off.

767
00:40:54,180 --> 00:40:56,700
Have you got anything
I can clean myself with?

768
00:40:58,860 --> 00:41:01,820
You're welcome.
SQUELCHING

769
00:41:11,460 --> 00:41:14,220
For the last leg of
our European grand tour,

770
00:41:14,220 --> 00:41:17,740
Eurotrash came to Dusseldorf
to discover a lady with a big box

771
00:41:17,740 --> 00:41:20,860
on her boobs, letting total
strangers have a squeeze.

772
00:41:20,860 --> 00:41:23,100
HORN HONKS
Oh!

773
00:41:23,100 --> 00:41:25,340
TRANSLATION: Oh, it's
like a dream, isn't it?

774
00:41:25,340 --> 00:41:27,580
And Eurotrash wanted to know why.

775
00:41:27,580 --> 00:41:30,340
TRANSLATION: It's for the woman,
not the man, to decide

776
00:41:30,340 --> 00:41:32,140
when and where she can be touched.

777
00:41:32,140 --> 00:41:33,380
It's my body, my decision

778
00:41:33,380 --> 00:41:37,220
and today I've decided that people
can touch my breasts.

779
00:41:37,220 --> 00:41:39,740
Her name is Milo Moire
and, as you've probably guessed,

780
00:41:39,740 --> 00:41:42,100
she's one of Eurotrash's
favourite things -

781
00:41:42,100 --> 00:41:44,460
a beautiful young
Swiss performance artist

782
00:41:44,460 --> 00:41:46,820
who insists on stripping off
to prove a point.

783
00:41:46,820 --> 00:41:49,300
You can look, but don't touch!

784
00:41:49,300 --> 00:41:52,620
Here, for example, she spent the day
wearing words for clothes

785
00:41:52,620 --> 00:41:54,460
rather than the clothes themselves.

786
00:41:54,460 --> 00:41:56,940
This not only cut down on
the laundry bill, but it forced

787
00:41:56,940 --> 00:42:00,620
people to question the robotic
mundanity of modern life and...

788
00:42:00,620 --> 00:42:03,580
Well, you know the rest.

789
00:42:03,580 --> 00:42:08,460
I like confrontation.
Sexual confrontation, yeah, yeah.

790
00:42:08,460 --> 00:42:11,100
Here, she walked the corridors
of a museum

791
00:42:11,100 --> 00:42:14,060
filled with plastic paintings
of naked women.

792
00:42:14,060 --> 00:42:17,180
As Milo expected, while the punters
were happy to ogle

793
00:42:17,180 --> 00:42:21,100
exposed bits on canvas, they were
terrified to look at the real thing.

794
00:42:22,300 --> 00:42:25,180
I mean, people get so embarrassed
when they see me,

795
00:42:25,180 --> 00:42:27,700
but I certainly don't get
embarrassed, ever.

796
00:42:30,500 --> 00:42:34,180
Milo leads a spiritual,
healthy and very naked life.

797
00:42:34,180 --> 00:42:37,580
There's yoga in the nude,
steamed vegetables in the nude,

798
00:42:37,580 --> 00:42:40,940
there's flirty massage with
lesbian undertones in the nude -

799
00:42:40,940 --> 00:42:43,620
very popular in the office.
All right, don't overdo it!

800
00:42:43,620 --> 00:42:45,540
But despite this pristine lifestyle,

801
00:42:45,540 --> 00:42:48,740
some of Milo's family
members are concerned.

802
00:42:48,740 --> 00:42:52,140
Oh, bless, my nan is religious
and she goes to church

803
00:42:52,140 --> 00:42:54,020
and prays for me all the time.

804
00:42:54,020 --> 00:42:57,260
She actually thinks
I'm possessed by the Devil!

805
00:42:59,780 --> 00:43:02,740
Well, Nan must have loved this
next cunning stunt which,

806
00:43:02,740 --> 00:43:06,220
believe it or not, also involved
popping eggs out of orifices -

807
00:43:06,220 --> 00:43:08,580
obviously the big trend this year.

808
00:43:08,580 --> 00:43:10,860
But in this case,
they were filled with paint

809
00:43:10,860 --> 00:43:14,620
and stored up the lady's nest,
which made it much more classy.

810
00:43:14,620 --> 00:43:16,820
Eggs, for me, symbolise creation

811
00:43:16,820 --> 00:43:20,980
so I thought I'd fill eggs with
paint and put them in my fanny.

812
00:43:20,980 --> 00:43:24,540
I tried all sorts of eggs, you know,
chicken eggs, duck eggs

813
00:43:24,540 --> 00:43:26,700
and swan eggs.

814
00:43:26,700 --> 00:43:27,700
Very nice.

815
00:43:30,380 --> 00:43:32,820
Meanwhile,
back in downtown Dusseldorf -

816
00:43:32,820 --> 00:43:35,740
God, I love saying that -
Milo had attracted a large

817
00:43:35,740 --> 00:43:39,300
and appreciative crowd, who were
more than happy to lend a hand.

818
00:43:41,580 --> 00:43:45,860
Here? Yeah. Oh... Oh! Ohhhhh!

819
00:43:45,860 --> 00:43:49,940
TRANSLATION: It can't be real.
No-one would let us grab her tits.

820
00:43:49,940 --> 00:43:52,180
I want to get a mix of people.

821
00:43:52,180 --> 00:43:55,180
I really don't care what
they look like or how they smell.

822
00:43:55,180 --> 00:43:58,100
I don't care. Besides, I don't
have a choice in it.

823
00:43:58,100 --> 00:44:00,540
I mean, that's the bloody point!

824
00:44:00,540 --> 00:44:03,300
At least it's warming ma hands, hen!

825
00:44:04,500 --> 00:44:06,460
Here at Eurotrash,

826
00:44:06,460 --> 00:44:10,620
we have always been big supporters
of sexual equality.

827
00:44:10,620 --> 00:44:14,300
Which is why, when we saw Milo Moire
sharing her boobies

828
00:44:14,300 --> 00:44:18,540
with half of Germany, we decided
that we should return the favour

829
00:44:18,540 --> 00:44:20,740
by sharing our balls with her.

830
00:44:20,740 --> 00:44:23,460
Thank you, that's very kind.
You're more than welcome.

831
00:44:23,460 --> 00:44:26,340
That's what European unity
is all about.

832
00:44:27,980 --> 00:44:29,780
You boys ready?

833
00:44:29,780 --> 00:44:31,060
BOTH: Yes.

834
00:44:31,060 --> 00:44:33,660
The little boys, too?

835
00:44:33,660 --> 00:44:35,540
BOTH: Yes! OK.

836
00:44:35,540 --> 00:44:38,780
Music, Maestro.
JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

837
00:44:38,780 --> 00:44:42,020
SQUEAKING

838
00:44:44,100 --> 00:44:46,980
SQUEAK-SQUEAK!
SQUEAK-SQUEAK!

839
00:44:46,980 --> 00:44:48,180
SQUELCH!

840
00:44:48,180 --> 00:44:51,300
You know, Antoine, I cannot think
of a better way

841
00:44:51,300 --> 00:44:55,100
how to end this fabulous edition
of Eurotrash. Yes, Jean Paul.

842
00:44:55,100 --> 00:44:58,580
Hopefully, my friends,
we'll be back in another ten years

843
00:44:58,580 --> 00:45:01,180
when we'll all be
a little bit older,

844
00:45:01,180 --> 00:45:03,780
our balls a little bit longer,

845
00:45:03,780 --> 00:45:04,860
but you Brits,

846
00:45:04,860 --> 00:45:08,340
you will be still totally confused
about to what to do with Europe.

847
00:45:10,180 --> 00:45:13,100
We leave you now with
the naughty sounds of Nikita.

848
00:45:13,100 --> 00:45:15,180
Salut to you, my British chums!

849
00:45:15,180 --> 00:45:17,540
Allez! Salut... Maintenant!

850
00:45:21,660 --> 00:45:25,580
# I'm-a tie you with a rope,
now I know I can make it

851
00:45:25,580 --> 00:45:29,180
# Never underestimate
when I say I don't fake it

852
00:45:29,180 --> 00:45:33,980
# I've been waiting for so long,
but not again, cos I hate it

853
00:45:33,980 --> 00:45:36,900
# It's time

854
00:45:36,900 --> 00:45:40,460
# I'm-a tie you with a rope,
now you know you've been chosen

855
00:45:40,460 --> 00:45:44,300
# You will hear what I'll say
to your latest proposal

856
00:45:44,300 --> 00:45:48,380
# I've been waiting for so long
and now you're at my disposal

857
00:45:48,380 --> 00:45:51,300
# You're mine... #

858
00:45:52,540 --> 00:45:56,100
SHE SINGS IN HER OWN LANGUAGE

859
00:46:08,060 --> 00:46:11,380
SHE SINGS IN HER OWN LANGUAGE

860
00:46:21,740 --> 00:46:25,180
# I'm-a tie you with a rope,
now I know I can make it

861
00:46:25,180 --> 00:46:28,940
# Never underestimate
when I say I don't fake it

862
00:46:28,940 --> 00:46:33,420
# I've been waiting for so long,
but not again, cos I hate it

863
00:46:33,420 --> 00:46:36,580
# It's time

864
00:46:36,580 --> 00:46:40,580
# I'm-a tie you with a rope,
now you know you've been chosen

865
00:46:40,580 --> 00:46:43,940
# You will hear what I'll say
to your latest proposal

866
00:46:43,940 --> 00:46:48,140
# I've been waiting for so long
and now you're at my disposal

867
00:46:48,140 --> 00:46:51,300
# You're mine

868
00:46:51,300 --> 00:46:54,940
# I'm-a tie you with a rope,
now I know I can make it

869
00:46:54,940 --> 00:46:59,020
# Never underestimate
when I say I don't fake it

870
00:46:59,020 --> 00:47:03,420
# I've been waiting for so long,
but not again, cos I hate it

871
00:47:03,420 --> 00:47:04,900
# You're mine. #

872
00:47:06,260 --> 00:47:09,380
Subtitles by Ericsson