# La-la la-la-la La-la la-la-la
# La-la la-la-la-la-la
# La-la la-la-la La-la la-la-la
# La-la la-la-la-la-la. #
This programme contains strong language, full frontal nudity and adult humour.
Bon soir, my British chums,
and welcome to another wacky, tacky,
can you believe they brought us backy?
Edition of Eurotrash.
My name is Antoine de Caunes and joining me, as always,
is my beautiful blonde sidekick, Monsieur Jean Paul Gaultier.
Merci, Antoine. Hello again, my friends.
Whenever Channel 4 needs intelligent political commentary
on the situation in Europe, they call us and I don't know why.
Me neither, my little Jean Paul.
But don't worry, my friends, if anyone knows how to put
the "dumb" into referen-DUM, it's Eurotrash,
so now let's get on with the show. Yeah!
Tonight, we use the referendum as a shameless excuse to explore
the nooks and crannies of Europe.
So you can judge for yourself what you could be waving goodbye to.
Lovely!
Coming up, we've got a bit of the old...
Get in there, Fido.
..a bit of the new...
Would you like to play with me?
..and a bit of the poo.
And, for those who want to see the naughty bits, I'm afraid you'll
have to wait a tiny bit longer until we're safely after the watershed.
Here at Eurotrash, we love animals.
No, no, no, we tolerate animals.
But when humans and animals get too friendly, well,
we have to stop them.
For example...
Once upon a time on Eurotrash, Jean Paul had
a pair of very special cardboard chums - Pipi and Popo.
So, Pipi and Popo,
you have to be very nice and do whatever I tell you to do.
Open your mouth. Just kiss. Do you like it?
That's disgusting.
So, good news is that Pipi and Popo
are doing fine and living in Mykonos.
And I have a special new animal friend. OK, you can come.
Don't be shy. Here's a cookie.
I'm afraid it's true, we had a contractual obligation to
give Jean Paul a furry new friend.
This one is called Humanimal
and he has the power to turn himself into any creature
that Jean Paul might desire.
I try not to think about it.
It's time we have to go back.
We have to play in the house, so you come with me.
OK, I will make you a bath. Come with me. Allez.
That guy is a real sicko.
British politicians tend to discuss boring things like welfare cuts
and the NHS,
whereas their European counterparts have always debated the things
that really matter.
Silicon implants should be banned.
Whether it's the 100% Macho Party...
Down with the modern woman!
..the Belgian Banana Party...
..or these Italian revolutionaries.
I want to legalise brothels.
I'll tell you, that's just what Italy needs.
Our essential guide to Europe begins in Italy with Cicciolina,
the porn star who became an MP for the Radical Party after
proving surprisingly popular with male voters.
But after failing to win re-election and turning to God,
she passed the political baton on to fellow porn starlet Eva Henger.
Oh, it's for me?
Hungarian-born Eva fell so in love with her adopted country
and painted herself as the Italian flag.
No-one wants to see that, love.
A women should always dress herself up a bit. You know,
lots of nail varnish and red lipstick.
Maggie Thatcher might have been a really clever woman
but she wasn't very feminine, was she?
All right, Maestro. Maestro Cicciolina!
Ha-ha, Maestro Eva! Cheers.
In 1998, Eva enlisted the help of her political predecessor,
Cicciolina, to pen a song to unite Europe.
Now, listen, what you gotta do is really sort of sensually
and sweetly, you know,
get your gums round that mic.
And this was the result. Eva's passionate call for an open Europe.
Why on earth wasn't that a hit? What's wrong with people?
Ti amo.
In Marseille, politics took on a different form entirely.
I'd like to nominate my dog Saucisse as an independent
candidate for mayor.
Here's the application, including a record of his recent vaccinations.
This two-year-old dachshund's campaign manager
claimed his main platform was cleaning up the streets,
and was itching to introduce a system
where hi-tech pooper scoopers
were on constant alert for any rogue doggy movements.
He's basically saying if our streets are full of shit
then our city is full of shit, and that means ultimately
WE'RE full of shit. It's a controversial message,
and he's the only candidate with the balls to say it -
although he actually doesn't have any balls
cos I had 'em lopped off last year.
'Bollocks! Bollocks!'
Even with glamorous Eurotrash guests,
things have sometimes got political -
as an intimate chat with supermodel Carla Bruni proved.
Do you like my titties? Yes, yes, I like very much your tittles.
The future First Lady of France's linguistic skills
were no doubt appreciated by husband President Sarkozy.
But the couple weren't too thrilled
when this clip resurfaced a few years ago.
..The new Hot! International love and sex guides.
Oh...!
How would you like to say "Put your finger in my bottom"?
Can you stick your finger in my bottom?
I have to think about it. I will tell you in five minutes.
SHE SNIGGERS
France has given the world many legendary artists, designers,
and noses such as Gerard Depardieu
and of course the great Monsieur Jean Paul Gaultier.
Thank you, Antoine, that's very nice of you.
Yes, it is. And you know what else would be very nice? No...
If you said something nice about me. Like what?
Mr Depardoo-doo, I think our British viewers
would be very interested
to hear your views on the UK's upcoming referendum vote.
How do you see it?
HONK! HONK!
Yes, agreed, but you surely see the other side of the argument.
CHORUS OF HONKING TRAFFIC HORNS
Fascinating. SQUELCHY SNEEZE
Well, there you have it, my friends, a Eurotrash exclusive -
Gerard Depardoo-doo on next week's big vote.
HONK!
So really nothing? You couldn't find one nice thing to say about me?
No. I don't see anything to say.
FOGHORN
Really?
The next stop on the Eurotrash European tour is Ukraine.
They achieved political independence in 1991.
Since then, things have got, well, a little bit odd.
Everywhere you look, it's bloody Barbies.
Bizarrely, Odessa is under siege.
Not from Russian separatists,
but from a parade of pouting plastic dolly birds.
It all started with the original Barbie -
eternally 29-year-old
Valeria Lukyanova.
It's like a virus.
All these little wannabe Barbies running around.
But for me it's not a game - it's who I am.
Model/singer/living doll Valeria
claims she's had no cosmetic alterations other than a boob job.
Yeah, right(!)
One of her rivals is also having none of it.
Oh, that is just, like, jokes.
I mean, she's like, really old
and she's got more fake body parts than Frankenstein. Yah.
But no Barbie collection would be complete without a Ken.
I decided to become Ken
because he's like, the idea of male beauty, so to speak.
Cos he's got the cool car, the cool house, complete with Jacuzzi -
and of course he gets too shag all the Barbies.
I love you. KISSING NOISE
Valeria has built up a large and loyal international following,
partly due to photos like these
but also thanks to her YouTube channel,
where hundreds and thousands of young girls
learn how to create
the perfect dead-eye doll face.
D'you think me eyes look big in this?
She's even starred in her very first horror movie -
aptly titled The Doll.
There's...something wrong with Natasha.
As Eurotrash discovered,
Valeria, seen here singing to her pet python for no apparent reason,
isn't like the rest of us.
Greetings, earthlings...!
In fact, she's from another world entirely.
I'm an alien.
I come from a race of superior beings,
who look like monsters on their own planet,
but when they come to Earth they look, like, perfect.
Valeria is not the only space cadet in Odessa -
there's loads of them!
Hiya. All right? Mwah.
You all right, Chewie?
WOOKIEE GRUNT
'Ey, you coming to me party tonight? It's gonna be a right laugh.
Oh, that sounds fabulous. I wouldn't miss it.
Later that night, at Odessa's premier disco venue,
Ken arrived arm in arm with one of his many Barbie admirers.
WOOKIEE GRUNT
As DJ Valeria rocked the house with her wicked Slavic dance beats,
Ken showed off his best robotic dance moves!
Which did nothing for Barbie. Or me.
I mean, he's all right, our Ken.
Everything's in the right place, like.
But why would I settle for a little kid when I can have meself a lord.
That's my girl. Always go with a bad boy.
Just watch out for the lightsaber.
DARTH VADER: Oh, in you pop.
BARBIE: Oh, eh! Off me arse.
After the break, hot, sexy pizzas.
I'll have one of those.
Peaches on beaches.
Oh, yes!
And a smoking hot supermodel.
In a regulation from 1994, the European Commission declares
that all the cucumbers should be straight.
There can be no bendy cucumbers.
Ah, this was a real shame for me, because my cucumber was always
a little bit bendy to the right, and everybody seemed to like it.
Yes, Antoine. That was very, very nice. And it still is, Jean Paul.
Speaking of strange vegetables, this is Paco Parras.
Hello, Paco. Hello, Antoine. Hello, Jean Paul.
And if you don't know who he is or why he's here,
and I certainly don't, then take a look at this.
Hello, Jack, I've come to inspect your plums. Leave it out, Paco.
What do you get when you combine Titchmarsh with Mystic Meg?
Well, you get Senor Paco Porras, Spain's most famous psychic,
and a man who actually believes
he can predict the future just by fondling fruit and veg.
Certain fruits and vegetables
contain their own sort of mystic energy.
Their inner juices just flow with psychic power.
Now, for a Eurotrash exclusive, the great Paco Porras
will predict the result of next week's referendum vote
using only fruit and vegetables.
Choose your weapon, and don't LETTUCE...
get in your way. Music, maestro.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
SQUEAKING
So, Paco, tell us, what is the future of Great Britain?
In.
CHEERING
Yes! Wacko Paco predicts an In vote.
I'm sure all the bookmakers are rushing out
to place their bets right now.
RINGING
Excuse me.
Hello?
Yes? Oh, OK.
Merci. Good news, my friends.
It's time for our next story.
Europe has a rich cultural heritage.
But Eurotrash has never been interested in any of that.
So, here's a look at some of the less edifying delights
we could be missing out on
if we left the bosom of our continental cousins.
In Germany, before Game Of Thrones even existed,
mild-mannered mailmen like this were turning themselves
into full-blooded weekend barbarians.
Right, now I'm Altila the Hun.
It was all part of the bizarre Teutonic trend
where otherwise sane individuals
recreated the good old days of rape and pillage.
Lovely.
After a quick ransack of Markus & Spartacus...
All right, love?
He's a very nice-looking Hun, isn't he?
..the horde continued their cosplay back at the fort with a hog roast
and a glass of bull's blood. Or the supermarket equivalent.
Right, let's get hammered.
It wasn't long before the insults started to fly.
Are you looking at my missus?
Yeah. Have you shagged her?
Yeah. Right, outside. I'll have you.
Hello, pig.
HE IMITATES PIG
No, he's not Bertie Bonkers, he's just a lovable French farmer
celebrating his nation's passion for pork at a local fair.
Shit. Missed the bastard.
And while this may look like it had descended
into an all-nighter at David Cameron's
it was in fact the main event -
the pig-squealing competition!
HE IMITATES PIG
This dynamic duo were the competition's
most serious participants.
Oh, we haven't eaten pork for 50 years. 50? More like 10 or 15.
Get away. 50.
Who gives a toss, anyway?
HE SQUEALS
Italy brought us the pizza and also this pair of tossers -
the Pizza Boys.
They converted a great culinary tradition
into dance chart hit Oh Le Le -
a song dedicated entirely to the joys of the thin crust.
# Oh le le... #
All we did was make pizzas, and now we're bloody superstars.
A lot of people say I look like Ricky Martin.
You know, being famous, we can have as many birds as we want, innit?
The boys' recipe for success also included a saucy selection
of erotic pizzas, which they liked to call Love Pies.
Right, gents, have you decided what you want? I'll have one of those.
In Spain, they have a cheeky addition
to their Christmas festivities - the Catalan crapper,
which represents the return of nourishment to the soil.
While the locals prepared for their annual nativity, Joan,
a real-life crapper, had his own preparations to attend to,
filling up on pork and beans for a very special delivery.
It's a very simple dish,
but it don't half make you go red in the face.
There'll be a north wind blowing tonight, I tell ya.
Joan did provide a handsome example of seasonal cheer.
Unfortunately, we can't show it,
but photos of the Christmas crap are available in the local city hall.
Oh, nice one. Oh. Nice Christmas crap.
Joining us now for Euro Pops...
in which we talk about euro pop music is this most
bewitching of beauties, Miss Andreja PEJic.
Did I pronounce it right? No, it's PejIC, darling.
Pej-IC. (Pej-IC.)
Andreja is one of my favourite muses.
But if you haven't seen her before, here is a little sneaky peaky. Yes!
The beautiful Andreja Pejic actually began her life
and career as Andre before she transitioned.
Born in Bosnia, Andre hit the catwalks at the age of 18,
and her androgynous chic immediately caught the eye of...
who else but Jean Paul Gaultier,
who asked Andreja to be his bride, at least on the runway.
Since her sexual reassignment surgery in 2014,
Anreja has been in more demand than ever,
and was even chosen to hop into bed with Tilda Swinton
and David Bowie in his video The Stars Are Out Tonight.
Lucky girl!
So, Andreja, you make my dream come true. Being in bed with David Bowie.
Tell me all about it.
I mean, are you kidding me? It was incredible.
It's David fucking Bowie.
My whole challenge was to climb on top of him
wearing six-inch heels, stick a golden nail down his throat,
take it out and give him a kiss on the lips.
I had to do that ten times.
It was one of the greatest things I've ever done in my life.
Did you love his music?
Hell, yes. Space Oddity, hello.
Well, tell me something, Andreja Pejic, how do you
feel about big, beefy, bold German men
who sing loud industrial music?
Kind of hot.
Good.
# Reines Mett und Speck vom Schwein... #
Our first slice of euro pop reflects old-world Germanic values,
when men looked like Popeye, pumped iron and drank schnapps,
and women did suggestive things with sausages.
Say, "Guten Tag" to Rummelsnuff.
This East Berlin beefcake with the finest headgear
since Jamiroquai is like many skinheads,
in that he looks tough at first,
but then ends up wrestling naked with his mates.
I think old Rummy will need a cold shower after that.
Know I do.
Andreja not only got to meet David Bowie,
but she also got to meet one of my other English idols -
the Queen of England.
So, what did you wear?
Well, it was kind of like a '90s secretary look. How did she react?
She loved it. I think the Queen is all about gender fluidity now.
# Avocado
# Avo-avocado
# Avo-avocado... #
If you're looking for the sexiest girl group on the planet,
and I certainly am, then look no further than Nikita.
Based in the Ukraine,
they caused a Euro-wide sensation with their promo called Ropes.
To preserve their dignity and ensure a PG rating,
all the girls' naughty bits were artfully covered up.
Naturally, the promo inspired a slew of parodies.
The good news is you'll be seeing a lot more of Nikita
performing later in the show.
A prince will become a princess, a man will become a unicorn.
This, my friends, is the very magic of Europe.
To celebrate this magic, we will now have a special edition of Sit On Me.
Music, maestro!
JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
You like it?
It's nice, huh?
Is it good for you? Uh, it was good. A little bit short.
I like it a little bit longer.
Ah, I just have to ask. Music, maestro.
JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
'Ugh, this could go on all day.'
These amazing twins with the amazing chins
are the 66-year-old Bogdanoff brothers,
France's answer to Brian Cox...
if there were two of him.
BOTH: Learning together can be super cool, so let's do it!
And, yes, you absolutely deserve an explanation
for what you're seeing,
and I promise you'll get one as soon as the boys
stop doing their Buzz Lightyear impression.
Oh, get on with it.
Raised in a chateau in the southwest of France,
the precocious young Bogdanoffs worshipped Albert Einstein.
In their 20s, they were hosting their very own science programme
on French TV.
Welcome aboard our control module.
This is a 12th generation ionic space ship.
We're basically like a science-y Ant and Dec of France.
The show featured groovy space-age graphics -
better than Ant and Dec's, actually.
According to Igor and Grichka, it was decades ahead of its time.
We predicted the mobile phone way back in 1980.
Then we predicted the internet.
People thought we were crazy,
but it's more like we were bloody Nostradamus.
While the Bogdanoffs' scientific credibility was never in question,
they wrote a bestseller, Understand The Big Bang In Three Minutes...
The public did begin to notice subtle changes in their appearance.
OK, a little bit more than subtle.
Who's a pretty boy, then?
We've had absolutely no cosmetic work done.
We look different because we are different.
It's probably because our brains are just bigger.
As Eurotrash discovered
when we followed the B boys to a book-signing,
their fans and the scientific community
feel the size of their heads has been blown way out of proportion.
It's about what they say, not what they look like.
But that's quite a look.
Oh, they're great. They give me a right hot flush, they do.
The Bogdos don't like to get bogged down.
By day, they're busy inspiring their students.
Today we study the Big Bang!
Which will be so much fun.
And by night, they're busy tearing up the Parisian discos.
This video, called Bogda Bogdanoff,
was a dance floor hit in France last year,
which gives you an indication of the current state of French pop music.
The track, which is basically an ode to the twins' chins,
has given the brothers a taste of pop success.
It seems to have gone to their heads.
Pop music is like physics.
It's just a matter of formulating it to the right equation.
I predict that within a year or two, we'll be top of the pop charts.
Yes, that's right, boys. To chinfinity and beyond.
Coming up, Eddie Izzard unravels about his European travels.
We learn to spell on a bus.
And we lounge around on a lilo with Lolo.
DOORBELL RINGS
These big ears and terrifying teeth have
been in storage for the past ten years,
but I made sure to get them out especially for tonight's show
in the hope that I might offend you once again, my British chums.
For me, it was a lot more easy,
because I dress up like Camilla Parker Bowles all the time.
Her sense of style has been a big inspiration to me.
Now, we know that you Brits have fallen in love with
Kate and William, and little Georgie Porgie,
and we know you believe their marriage will last forever.
THEY GIGGLE
But we Frenchies still love King Charles and Queen Camilla,
and we want to make sure you treat them properly.
It's true.
For France, the true face of British royalty will always be this.
And also, please bring back that big redhead, Fergie.
She was the only one with any class.
Bon. All this talk about the Royal Family is getting me excited,
which is good, because our next story is about sex.
Say that again like you mean it.
Sex.
HE GASPS
You know, Cammy, you still get me hot after all these years.
You too, Charlie.
You too.
Hello.
For the Brits, Europe has always represented a land of fetish
and fantasy,
where lovely maidens roam the streets, somehow having
forgotten to put on their pants.
Here, you're a right pair of old tarts, in't ya?
Ignoring the proliferation of naked Germans,
here's our cheeky guide to what else Europe has to offer.
Ooh, hello.
Eurotrash has covered man on woman, woman on woman,
man on man, and old woman on adult baby.
Eugh! My little baby wet himself, naughty boy.
In fact, we've covered it all, especially when it comes
to the world of fetish. Get in there, Fido.
And rubber has always been on the menu,
as this next individual proves.
Hello, Eurotrash. I'm Mr Blow Up.
Great Britain's contribution to our European tour of titillation
was Mr Blow Up.
Oh, hello, come in.
The Blow Ups held regular rubber-wear parties to
show off their latest creations,
and the Blow Ups' gear was specially designed with safety in mind.
Personal hygiene, on the other hand, was up for grabs.
Are you all right in there? Yes, thanks, I'm perfect. Oh, good.
The Blow Ups were so proud of their fetish,
they wanted to share it with the rest of the world.
Sadly, they only got as far as the outskirts of Croydon,
but the reaction was still pretty positive.
It's all nice and "woo." It's like a bouncy castle.
In Germany, Eurotrash exposed
the utterly bizarre and toe-curling world of sneaker-sex,
and met athletic footwear aficionado Daniel Zirngibl.
Well, my favourite sneaker smell is the one you get
off a freshly-worn trainer.
Desperate Dan, who spends most of his spare time
and spare cash on trainers, was on the lookout for a new soulmate.
Oh, orange and blue. Cracking colour combination.
In search of rarer and more pungent aromas to spice up his sex life,
Daniel dipped his toe into the underground sneaker-swapping scene.
"Oh, what's in here? Oh, would you get a load of that, you two?"
"No, thanks, I don't do green ones." "I'd love to, but..."
Ooh, mind you don't hyperventilate.
In Austria, sexual gymnastics
and sporting endeavour combined to form the Sex Olympics,
which saw contestants from all over Europe competing
in various dubious disciplines, including nipple nibbling...
..and orgasm faking,
whatever that is! Hee-hee! Oh, there we are.
It's a very difficult discipline, you know. My nipples are killing me.
After hours of sweaty competition, the eventual winner was Manfred.
APPLAUSE
For those Rio 2016 hopefuls who don't quite match up to Manfred,
don't worry. For him, size isn't everything.
My greatest asset isn't me willy, but me sensitivity.
Oh, come on, Manfred, who cares about your sensitivity?
Can someone pass me a ruler? SHE CHUCKLES
Over the years, the question we get asked most frequently is - "Antoine,
"Jean Paul, who really wears the trousers in the Eurotrash family?"
It is true. It's always the same, you know? "Are you gay? Is he gay?
"Top, bottom, pee pee, po po, chicken or fishy?"
And I say to you, my friends,
let's live in a world where we don't have to make a choice.
A world where we are free to have both.
Pee pee on po po, or chicken on fishy.
I think what my little Jean Paul is trying to say is that
we all have a deep hunger for happiness in our lives,
and, whether we satisfy that hunger through chicken or fishy,
or bi-curious combination of both, well, the important thing is
to take a big bite out of life and then to swallow it with pride.
Are you OK? No.
No. You want some chicken? No.
You want some fishy? No.
You want chicken and fishy? Yes!
SQUAWK!
Hello, Eurotrash, I'm Charlie, and this is a chick with a dick.
SQUAWKING
To keep you abreast of the latest in contemporary French fashion,
Eurotrash popped to Paris to meet wig wizard, Mr Charlie Le Mindu.
Well, hair is me fetish. I love the feel of it, you know?
It really turns me on.
This enfant terrible of haute coiffure has fiddled with
the follicles of the famous.
Not only is Lady Gaga GA-GA over Charlie, he's also given great hair
to Lana Del Rey, Florence Welch, and our very own Antoine de Caunes.
Along with his hair-raising creations, Charlie is
notorious for nudity and rudity on the runways of London and Paris.
I think all naked bodies are sexy, fat or thin.
When Charlie and his hairy hog
hit the streets of Paris, Eurotrash was happy to follow.
Oi-oi, I've got some lube, and bananas.
In rehearsal for his latest project, Charlie showed
he was a man of many talents, starting with a hands-on lube job...
Ta, Charlie, that feels really nice.
..followed by some hairplay... Hey! Watch me barnet.
..and climaxing with his own choreography.
I love Charlie's universe, cos it's dead raunchy, like.
And, well, you know, I'm worth it.
It's all part of Charliewood, his ambitious new production,
which mixes burlesque and fashion, raunchy chickens and naughty noses.
Charliewood is like a theme park. It's like a living exhibition.
Bizarre, yes, but what do you expect from a guy who has
the Gypsi Kings tattooed on his eyelids?
I know, the Gypsi Kings suck.
I got this tat of Lidl, me favourite store,
I got this cool pigeon, and "LOVE COCK," of course.
Squirt.
And then there's this handy ruler,
but the less said about that, the better.
Ooh.
Later that night, Charlie invited us back to his gaff.
Aah, all right, Brian? Mwah, mwah.
As the guests arrived, we headed out to the garden,
where the hen party was really heating up.
Fresh eggs were popped out and collected,
the chicken breasts were tenderised,
and then the big bird was finished off with a fistful of seasoning.
The dinner looked delicious, as long as you don't mind
hair in your food or a bit of eggy conversation.
Doesn't it bother you, eating your own children? Mm?
SINISTER LAUGHTER
ALL: To Charlie and sex!
NARRATOR: Well, we'll drink to that, shall we? Bottoms up.
Joining me now is the marathon man of British comedy,
the multi-talented, multi-lingual,
and just multi-multi Monsieur Eddie Izzard.
Bonsoir, Monsieur Eddie Izzard.
Bonsoir, Antoine. Buenos noches. Guten abend.
And other things like that. OK.
If any of you Brits are planning to come to Europe this summer,
please don't. We have enough of you already.
But if you insist, Eddie has kindly agreed to give us
some tips for places to visit. Yup.
OK. Yup. Are you ready? Ready. Go.
OK, you could go to Avignon, sur le pont d'Avignon, that's a bridge.
Pont, and you can go there, you can dance.
You can go to Antibes, sleep on the beach,
and the police will wake you up with a hosepipe. That's quite fun.
Go to the CERN Collider. It's in Switzerland.
If you run fast enough, you will meet God.
You can have a cup of tea, ask him
what he was doing during the Second World War.
You can go to France and just be rude to waiters.
Be rude to the waiter before they're rude to you.
French people would like that.
Go to China. China is not part of Europe, but if you spell China...
China's actually an anagram of, erm...
France.
Thank you very much, Mr Eddie Izzard. Thank you very much.
Pas de probleme.
NARRATOR: As Eurovision reminds us each year,
Europe is awash with second-rate talent.
BELCHING
Nonetheless, Eurotrash has always strived to be your guide to,
if not the best, then at least the jolliest
..and the walliest...
Wow! Wow! Wow!
..that Euro-tainment has to offer. It's cool, man.
Our first pick of the pops is Michael Nikoley, Europe's most
desperate musician, with 217 songs rejected by music publishers.
I want to be a famous rock star, so I can afford expensive cars and
trash hotel rooms and be surrounded by beautiful, naked birds.
Michael is no quitter.
Here, he prepares for his 218th attempt -
a love song dedicated to his favourite snack.
In the Balearics, the self-styled "King Of Majorca," Jurgen Drews,
rules, alongside his lovely and 23-years-younger Queen, Ramona.
Tourists travel literally yards to get close to this sun-kissed,
sexy pair.
A lot of people in the music biz say I'm just a dirty old man,
but to be honest with you, I couldn't give a toss.
And there's never a shortage of young girls queueing up to
snatch Ramona's man.
Well, Jurgen's the King, inn'he? The King Of Majorca. Majorca, yeah.
He's funny, he's sexy, and he really rocks, you know?
In Germany, it's hard to miss their biggest musical attraction -
Wildecker Herzbuben, or The Wild Heart Boys,
the most popular German folk duo of all time.
We've always been known as the band with two fat blokes in.
But getting the band onto the stage can prove quite a challenge.
I'm sorry, chaps, you're going to have to get out.
We'll never get up the hill.
But once there, they really get the crowd rocking.
Well, they're absolutely fantastic, you know?
And they're talented and... Oh, they're so gorgeous.
I'm quite moist.
Hello, Eurotrash, I'm Randy. Do you want to see my magic wand?
But Germany's most memorable contributor
to our artistic grand tour is Magic Randy,
a man who always likes to look the part.
Personal grooming is very important to me.
I think, if you're going to touch members of the audience,
the least you can do is smell nice.
Whilst his tricks are impressive, let's be honest,
it's his magic wand that's the main attraction.
Good news, my friends.
It's time for another of my incredible European Union Fun Facts.
Today's fact -
did you know that the European Union has 23 official languages? 23!
Ah, that's amazing, Jean Paul,
but to help you better understand the European Union, I have
cleverly had a map of Europe painted onto the body of a semi-naked
contortionist, just trying to keep things interesting.
Et voila!
Watch as all the little countries bend
and stretch and work together to make one beautiful union.
Yes, watch as bloated bureaucrats in Brussels tell everybody
how to drive their cars, and make their cheese,
and soon we will end up arse over tit, like this.
I think I like arse over tits. Yeah, I'm not surprised.
After the break,
things get cultural as this lady roams the museum halls,
this man paints with his balls,
plus we take a look back at the biggest breasts of all.
I was so excited to be back with my old pal Jean Paul Gaultier
that I commissioned an artist to paint his portrait
and I knew there was only one knob for the job -
the master painter, Pricasso.
G'day! I'm Pricasso -
it's a combination of "prick" and Picasso and, yes,
I work wonders with my willy.
As you can tell by his accent and hair colouring,
Pricasso comes from the British colony of Australia,
and if you're wondering why an Australian
is on a show about Europe,
we can give you three good reasons.
Number one -
if Eurovision can have Australian, why not us?
Number two - because he paints with his penis.
And number three - because he paints with his penis.
But I guess the big question, Mr Pricasso, is why?
Well, when I first thought of the idea, I just thought,
"If I get really good at this,
"I can make a living by doing the three things I like best -
"creating art, being naked and playing with my penis." Ah!
Have you ever painted with an erect penis?
Ah, yeah, quite a few times, yep, at parties and things like that.
Do you use also your balls?
I do, yeah, yeah.
You can sort of hold the whole lot together like that and dip it in.
I see. And then scrub away like that.
Oh, it gets quicker.
It's quicker, yeah. You can cover a big area very quickly. Oh, I see.
Nice. Bon!
While Pricasso gets ready to finish things off, let's take a little walk
down Memory and Mammary Lane with a loving look back at Lolo Ferrari.
Tonight, we are proud to present
three of the biggest stars in France -
Lolo Ferrari and her incredible, edible, bouncing boobies!
Hello, boobies! Hello!
# I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts... #
So, what does Lolo mean?
TRANSLATION: Lolo means big tits.
Lolo Ferrari and her breathtaking boobies
were firm favourites in the Eurotrash family,
and Lolo, who boasted the world's biggest breasts - size 54J -
knew which side her boobs were buttered.
TRANSLATION: Let's face it - men are obsessed with their mothers
and the first connection they have is through the breast.
That's a source of comfort and nourishment,
so men take one look at me
and it's like, you know, big sexy mama with the massive wangers.
In order to create her unique look,
she employed the services of one of America's hottest engineers.
He's actually the geezer that works for Boeing and he, erm,
you know, he designs the 747.
SHE GIGGLES
We were there when Lolo started her girl group, The Silicone Girls.
However, her backup singers were required
to make a few minor changes before joining.
# I'm only half of me... #
And it was in Look At Lolo,
accompanied by her two hunks in trunks,
that Lolo Ferrari really had British TV audiences gripped
with her expertise in gardening,
ability to stroll round supermarkets,
how to hula hoop and her intimate knowledge of modern technology.
Telephone, television, satellite... BELL DINGS
..internet, CD-ROM, microwave... BELL DINGS
..liposuction... BUZZING
Plastic surgery, BUZZING
Viagra, personal computer... BELL DINGS
..credit card, home video, electric... BELL DINGS
..panties, BUZZING
silicone... BELL DINGS
Yes, Lolo shows you everything!
Yes! Thank you, Lolo!
THEY LAUGH
Well, we are back and I'm very excited to say that Pricasso has
just about completed his historic penile portrait of Jean Paul.
Does it bother you to have his penis so close to your mouth? Not at all.
That's fine, you know, for me.
Ah, Pricasso, would you sign it for Jean Paul?
I will do right now, yeah.
FANFARE
Oh, bravo! THEY APPLAUD
Fantastic! Thank you so much. I need to clean myself off.
Have you got anything I can clean myself with?
You're welcome. SQUELCHING
For the last leg of our European grand tour,
Eurotrash came to Dusseldorf to discover a lady with a big box
on her boobs, letting total strangers have a squeeze.
HORN HONKS Oh!
TRANSLATION: Oh, it's like a dream, isn't it?
And Eurotrash wanted to know why.
TRANSLATION: It's for the woman, not the man, to decide
when and where she can be touched.
It's my body, my decision
and today I've decided that people can touch my breasts.
Her name is Milo Moire and, as you've probably guessed,
she's one of Eurotrash's favourite things -
a beautiful young Swiss performance artist
who insists on stripping off to prove a point.
You can look, but don't touch!
Here, for example, she spent the day wearing words for clothes
rather than the clothes themselves.
This not only cut down on the laundry bill, but it forced
people to question the robotic mundanity of modern life and...
Well, you know the rest.
I like confrontation. Sexual confrontation, yeah, yeah.
Here, she walked the corridors of a museum
filled with plastic paintings of naked women.
As Milo expected, while the punters were happy to ogle
exposed bits on canvas, they were terrified to look at the real thing.
I mean, people get so embarrassed when they see me,
but I certainly don't get embarrassed, ever.
Milo leads a spiritual, healthy and very naked life.
There's yoga in the nude, steamed vegetables in the nude,
there's flirty massage with lesbian undertones in the nude -
very popular in the office. All right, don't overdo it!
But despite this pristine lifestyle,
some of Milo's family members are concerned.
Oh, bless, my nan is religious and she goes to church
and prays for me all the time.
She actually thinks I'm possessed by the Devil!
Well, Nan must have loved this next cunning stunt which,
believe it or not, also involved popping eggs out of orifices -
obviously the big trend this year.
But in this case, they were filled with paint
and stored up the lady's nest, which made it much more classy.
Eggs, for me, symbolise creation
so I thought I'd fill eggs with paint and put them in my fanny.
I tried all sorts of eggs, you know, chicken eggs, duck eggs
and swan eggs.
Very nice.
Meanwhile, back in downtown Dusseldorf -
God, I love saying that - Milo had attracted a large
and appreciative crowd, who were more than happy to lend a hand.
Here? Yeah. Oh... Oh! Ohhhhh!
TRANSLATION: It can't be real. No-one would let us grab her tits.
I want to get a mix of people.
I really don't care what they look like or how they smell.
I don't care. Besides, I don't have a choice in it.
I mean, that's the bloody point!
At least it's warming ma hands, hen!
Here at Eurotrash,
we have always been big supporters of sexual equality.
Which is why, when we saw Milo Moire sharing her boobies
with half of Germany, we decided that we should return the favour
by sharing our balls with her.
Thank you, that's very kind. You're more than welcome.
That's what European unity is all about.
You boys ready?
BOTH: Yes.
The little boys, too?
BOTH: Yes! OK.
Music, Maestro. JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
SQUEAKING
SQUEAK-SQUEAK! SQUEAK-SQUEAK!
SQUELCH!
You know, Antoine, I cannot think of a better way
how to end this fabulous edition of Eurotrash. Yes, Jean Paul.
Hopefully, my friends, we'll be back in another ten years
when we'll all be a little bit older,
our balls a little bit longer,
but you Brits,
you will be still totally confused about to what to do with Europe.
We leave you now with the naughty sounds of Nikita.
Salut to you, my British chums!
Allez! Salut... Maintenant!
# I'm-a tie you with a rope, now I know I can make it
# Never underestimate when I say I don't fake it
# I've been waiting for so long, but not again, cos I hate it
# It's time
# I'm-a tie you with a rope, now you know you've been chosen
# You will hear what I'll say to your latest proposal
# I've been waiting for so long and now you're at my disposal
# You're mine... #
SHE SINGS IN HER OWN LANGUAGE
# I'm-a tie you with a rope, now I know I can make it
# Never underestimate when I say I don't fake it
# I've been waiting for so long, but not again, cos I hate it
# It's time
# I'm-a tie you with a rope, now you know you've been chosen
# You will hear what I'll say to your latest proposal
# I've been waiting for so long and now you're at my disposal
# You're mine
# I'm-a tie you with a rope, now I know I can make it
# Never underestimate when I say I don't fake it
# I've been waiting for so long, but not again, cos I hate it
# You're mine. #
Subtitles by Ericsson