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I'm Frankie Boyle. There comes
a time in every comedian's career

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when he decides to do travelogues.
In fact, among comedians,

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the phrase "Gone to do travelogues"
is slang for when someone dies.

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I've started to tour round
some smaller theatres in Scotland

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to get my show ready for a big run
in Glasgow and Edinburgh.

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I've decided that I really need to
reconnect with the place.

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It's my first tour of Scotland
since 2012,

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and back then,
I was mainly doing it

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to avoid the One Show sofa
at the London Olympics.

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Bringing my own views
and sometimes my own facts,

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I'm going to explore and learn about

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important Scottish
historical figures

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and the many and varied ways
in which English people killed them.

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I'll be reunited
with the toymaker who built me

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and find out what now
counts as foreplay in East Kilbride.

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I'll come to regret
my extensive genital piercings,

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attempt to contact the spirits

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of some of Scotland's
greatest serial killers,

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and travel back in time
to Scotland in the 1970s.

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And you'll even get to watch
my senseless death

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through the eyes
of a military drone.

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Before a tour begins,
I usually warm up

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and road test my material
at a comedy club in Glasgow.

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I think the most I laughed
last year...

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I actually fell onto my knees
laughing at this, right.

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I went to a personal trainer
in Glasgow.

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That's not the joke.
LAUGHTER

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I went to a personal trainer
who had a moustache.

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Now, when I tell
English audiences that,

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they never quite hook in
immediately,

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but we know, us Scottish people,

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that any Scottish guy with
a moustache is fucking psychotic.

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Remember Graeme Souness
back in the day?

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DEEP, SLOW VOICE: They all speak
as if they're trying to hold back

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some kind of dreadful memory.

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LAUGHTER

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And this guy,
he actually said this to me, right.

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He went, "Mr Boyle,
I see from your food diary

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"that yesterday, for dinner,
you ate a bag of chocolate money."

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LAUGHTER

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I didn't realise you could
get sacked by a personal trainer.

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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That would have been better
if you'd put your fucking phone off.

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Yeah, that's great. Turn it up.
The glockenspiel. Why not?

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LAUGHTER

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This is just the right time to draw
attention to yourself. Who's that?

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Was it him?
See, when you were born...

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LAUGHTER

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..the doctor said to your mother,
"Do you want gas?"

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And she said,
"Surely it would be quicker

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"to just drown it in a bucket."
LAUGHTER

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You can never quite be sure
when you tour

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because you can assemble
all the ingredients

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but it's like making a souffle
or something.

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It's still got to work

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and it's got to work in the rooms
that you're playing,

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so to take anything out of wee clubs
and go, "This all works now,"

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and go, "Well, this is something
that 2,000 people will laugh at

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"in a big theatre
on a Friday night,"

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is like two different things.

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But I think there's always been a
colonial side to charity in Britain.

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Look at it at the minute
in Yemen, right?

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Britain is the number two provider
of bombs and weapons

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to Saudi Arabia
that they use to bomb Yemen

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to engineer a famine in Yemen.

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And at the same time,
we're the number one provider

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of aid to Yemen. And why not?

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Life gives you Yemen,
you give Yemen aid.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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That one's staying in.

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LAUGHTER

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Stand-up comics travel loads,

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but usually only see the country
accidentally

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in a reflection
on their phone screen

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or at speed
as they're being chased out of town.

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But this time, I'm going to
get to know more about the land

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I'm passing through,
how it has shaped Scotland

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and how it shapes us.

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I like watching the countryside
roll by.

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I remember one time,
I was doing a gig in Rothesay,

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so I got the train down.

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There was an old guy
sitting beside me the whole way

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and it's just lashing rain.

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And he just looks at the fields
the whole way down there,

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and then just before we got there,
he turned round to me

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and he went, "Fuck being a sheep."

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This journey is taking me east
from Aberdeen,

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across the north-east coast
and then onto the west coast,

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through some of Scotland's
most dramatic landscapes.

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Most of it's amazing.

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The only towns
you really have to worry about

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are places that call themselves
the gateway to somewhere,

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do you know what I mean?
Gateway to Midlothian, or something.

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Just basically saying,
"There's nothing here, keep going."

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The rural north-east of Scotland
is sparsely populated,

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so it's perfect for people
who crave a quieter, isolated life,

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and who may or may not be
on the run from the law.

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Perfect, too, for people who want to
stave off a nervous breakdown

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by staring at conifers.

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I'm thinking of
buying a hut up here myself,

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so that when the wheels of my mind
finally come off,

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I can run up and down
these beautiful glens

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wearing a crown of pine cones

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and screaming my jokes
at confused otters.

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I'm en route to meet with a man
who's chosen to live

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in splendid isolation
among the shallow graves

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of the dense forests of Rhynie
in Aberdeenshire.

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I don't know how the production
have set up a meeting with a hermit.

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I assume they've just shaved
a time and date

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into a badger's back
and released it into the woods.

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It'll be interesting to meet someone
who's officially antisocial,

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cos I consider myself
to be pretty...

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a pretty gifted amateur
at being antisocial.

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But what if I meet him

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and, like, compared to me he's like
Graham Norton or something?

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Jake Williams' place
is a fixer-upper, for sure,

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and it comes with enough firewood

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to see anyone through
the impending apocalypse.

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Nice to meet you, man.
Good, come in.

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It's a great part of the world here,
man. It's beautiful. It's great.

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How long have you been up here?

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Long enough that I don't tell people
how long I've been here.

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That's my sign of permanence, when
you've got a treehouse in a tree

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that you planted yourself
when you came. Oh, right, cool.

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As an occasional break
in Jake's seclusion,

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he's been marketing one of the most
bizarre holiday lets in Britain.

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It's a caravan up a tree!
Is it totally safe, Jake?

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Cos it sort of looks a bit like...
Don't worry. It's perfectly safe!

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It kind of reminds me

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of a really low-level Scottish
Dignitas, do you know what I mean?

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THEY LAUGH

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What sort of people come up?
It's young couples.

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A lot of them are
on these mad tours,

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where they were
at Loch Ness yesterday

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and they're just stopping
the night here

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and they're away to Edinburgh Castle
tomorrow and stuff.

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How do book it?
Do people book online? It's Airbnb.

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Can I go up and have a look?
Might as well, now you're here.

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Luckily, I'm not afraid of heights,
although it turns out

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I do have a mild phobia of falling
through the rotten floorboards

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of a caravan up a tree
and plummeting to the ground below.

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This is where I'd like to come

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if I was in witness protection
or something. Aye.

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I don't think
anyone's going to find me here.

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Well, that's a niche market
to get into.

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FRANKIE LAUGHS
Yeah, witness protection Airbnb.

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It's a wild wee spot.
What about when it's windy?

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Well, there's been a few storms
and, touch wood, it's still here.

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Imagine if you owned this caravan
originally.

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Aye. And you went on your holidays
in it with your kids,

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just imagining one day
it's going to be up a tree.

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Do you ever feel
you're kind of tied to one spot now?

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Do you miss travelling?
No, I don't think so.

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I always find travelling really hard
and then I love the memories.

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You know that whole thing
of trying to live in the moment.

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I'm never convinced by that.

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Live in the moment
like a heroin addict or a dog.

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THEY LAUGH

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I'm always thinking
we should live in the moment,

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but I'm always thinking
what will I have for my tea tonight?

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I tried to get into that as well

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and then I thought I love thinking
about the past and the future. Aye.

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The moment's often a little dull.
Not this moment, though!

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This is, if anything,
filled with fear...

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..that we're going to plummet
to the ground.

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Have you ever seen Top Gear? It's
a car programme. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

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This is kind of like the aftermath
of one of their stunts,

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do you know what I mean?

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No, it would be burnt.

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I felt he was a lovely guy.

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He was obviously a slightly
eccentric guy, but not a hermit.

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The caravan up the tree
felt genuinely quite precarious.

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I was thinking,
if his main customers are couples,

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that place has seen
some of the most careful sex.

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It must be proper
prison strokes up there.

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Scotland's not just for those
who want to be alone.

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There's also room for those
who want to be alone together.

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50 miles west of Jake's house
in Rhynie

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is Scotland's best-known commune.

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The founders of the commune
arrived here back in 1962,

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which makes Findhorn the same age
as Jon Bon Jovi.

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Findhorn has grown from
an idea in the '60s

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into a thriving commune
of around 300 people.

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It has an eco-village,
its own currency

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and, sadly, its own theatre.

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Mari Hollander has lived
in the commune for over 40 years

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and is taking me to the place

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where the founders of Findhorn
toiled for years

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to turn salty sand dunes
into a land of plenty.

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Another fucking caravan.

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So, even though this is a sandhill -
and when you see

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some of the land elsewhere, you'll
see it's really pure sand dunes -

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they worked it with muck and seaweed
and anything they could find,

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which made a big hit
in about the late '60s,

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when everything was interesting.
Right. Yay, '60s!

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So, people started to
come and visit.

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What had they done to make so many
species of plants and flowers

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and beginning of trees
and fruit trees grow

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in such a short time on such
an inhospitable piece of soil?

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That's interesting to me
as well, you know,

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the idea that you would have started
in a tradition

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from the late '60s and '70s,
I assume, yourself,

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of... There was a counterculture,
as it was called then,

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and there was, like,

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the anti-Vietnam War movement
and all that stuff.

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There was a lot of hope
attached to that stuff. Mm.

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How do you feel...
How do you feel about now?

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I feel like it's more of
a discipline to stay hopeful,

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I have to say. Right.

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I'm determined to, to still see
that it's ignorance and fear

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and that can be healed, that can be
overcome, that can be met.

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It's a less buoyant atmosphere,
clearly, in the world today.

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Because of, like, climate change
and all that stuff?

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Yeah, all the crises
that are unfolding,

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all the dimensions
of planetary health

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that are at the limits of viability,

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be it the seas or the climate
or the land.

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We have to turn it around.

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Findhorn is not in Just Eat's
delivery radius,

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so self-sufficiency is key.

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I joined head gardener Luke Whitney
to try to be of some use,

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but also for respite
from a biblical downpour.

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It's like Blade Runner out there.
We can barely hear ourselves.

225
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So, you work up here all the time?
I've been here about 12 years now.

226
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:27,040
And what kind of stuff
do you grow up here?

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From lettuce through to tomatoes,
cucumbers,

228
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chard, kale, cabbage in the winter.

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We estimate, this time of year,
around 80% of all the produce

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coming from here
will be from this garden.

231
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So, what are you doing here?

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Trying to sow
a couple of trays of lettuce.

233
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So, just putting them
into the modules here

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and it's a very methodical,
very meditative type of job.

235
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,240
I don't even know if I have
the fine motor skills to do that.

236
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:51,760
Can I do that one at the top?
I'd like to test your motor skills.

237
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,520
I'm tempted to just lick my finger.
You can do if you want. Yeah?

238
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,120
Nothing wrong with that, yeah.

239
00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:59,000
Because I was an alcoholic
for so long,

240
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,040
I think if I tried to do them
by picking up,

241
00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:03,560
it would be like one of those
fairground machines. The DTs.

242
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:05,000
THEY LAUGH

243
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,040
Some people just spend hours
doing this, you know.

244
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,280
And does it mean
you spend a lot of time alone?

245
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:13,240
No, you've come on a very quiet day.

246
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,440
Usually, we have
huge groups of people here.

247
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,720
That struck me
as a wee bit of a contradiction,

248
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,640
is, like, there's, to some extent,

249
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:25,760
people moving away from society
to here, and yet,

250
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,880
when you're here, you have to be
much more community-minded.

251
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,800
I don't think everyone who's here
is naturally an extrovert

252
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:36,040
and that's also something I struggle
with, personally, myself at times.

253
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,960
Yeah, I've often struggled
with sociability.

254
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:42,360
I don't trust extroverts on some
level, do you know what I mean?

255
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:45,640
What are you so happy about?
Kind of with you on that one, yeah.

256
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,920
I've been enjoying meeting
other antisocials,

257
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,800
so I'm pleased it's 12.30

258
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,000
and everyone gets to swim
to the lunch hall.

259
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,040
There's more organic veg here

260
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:58,080
than I could ever leave on the side
of my plate in a lifetime.

261
00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,640
So, we're going to bless the food.

262
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:05,760
Welcome to Saturday lunch.

263
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:09,360
And we have rice, potatoes, lasagne,

264
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,080
various vegetables, hot and cold,

265
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:15,320
some beautiful salads
and a green bean and potato soup.

266
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:18,040
So, let's just take a moment
to appreciate

267
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:21,000
all the people who've been involved
in making this meal -

268
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:24,960
the farmers, the growers,
our gardeners,

269
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,080
and then the people
who bring it to our door

270
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,160
so that we can make it for you.

271
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:31,560
And may this food nourish us
on all levels.

272
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,200
Blessings on the meal.

273
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,760
Thank you for cooking it.
ALL: Thank you.

274
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:42,800
Yes, double carbs, here I come!
What you need on a day like today.

275
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:45,200
I've carb-loaded enough
to run a marathon

276
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,400
- or sleep in a people carrier -

277
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,360
but I want to show my gratitude
before I leave.

278
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,120
Leaving a wee donation
in the bowl there.

279
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:58,160
I did an exchange, got some of the
local poppy there, the local sheets.

280
00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:01,240
Not a challenge to a good forger,
I wouldn't think.

281
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,720
I think a good forger up here
could have

282
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,640
all the sprouts they could handle.
That was good.

283
00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:12,200
The journey south from Findhorn
to Oban takes me through Glencoe,

284
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:15,080
some of Scotland's
most beautiful landscape.

285
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,560
I feel a lot in common
with the land here.

286
00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:20,000
Like me, it has a rugged
and dramatic beauty,

287
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:23,200
and we've both caused
several ramblers to go missing.

288
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:26,280
Over 300 years ago,
these valleys became infamous

289
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,960
when 30 members of the MacDonald
Clan were massacred here,

290
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:31,520
and it still has
an air of the uncanny.

291
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,880
Glencoe, one of the most beautiful
places in Scotland.

292
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:39,120
People come here from all over
the world to admire its grandeur,

293
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:42,680
clamber about aimlessly
and defecate behind clumps of gorse.

294
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:44,880
Of course, it's always associated

295
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,240
with the Massacre of Glencoe
in 1692,

296
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:49,160
an example of what could happen

297
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:51,920
when you wanted to pacify
the Highlands before heroin.

298
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,960
It's fairly typical of Scotland's
relationship with history,

299
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,600
though we still think of it
as a story of clan warfare,

300
00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:00,440
when it actually happened
by order of William of Orange

301
00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:02,880
on the advice of the Lowland Scots
who served him,

302
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:06,360
and the task was entrusted
to a regiment in the British Army.

303
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:12,000
The DJ and sex monster Sir Jimmy
Savile owned a house at Glencoe

304
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,160
until his "death" in 2011.

305
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:18,560
Here, the elderly pervert would sit
long into the Highland evenings,

306
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:22,000
quietly sipping Scotch
and molesting fell walkers.

307
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,520
Here, he entertained such luminaries
as his friend Margaret Thatcher

308
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:29,880
and the demon Adramelech, the
ancient Assyrian commander of hell.

309
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:33,120
Why did Savile want to live
on the site of a massacre?

310
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:36,240
Well, we can safely assume
that the DJ was a time vampire.

311
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:38,240
Cross-legged in his pentagram,

312
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:41,560
his nostrils would flare
as his foetid soul, hungry for pain,

313
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,880
sniffed back through the centuries,

314
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:47,080
latching onto the death screams
of the Clan MacDonald.

315
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,800
Savile would teleport back
into the mayhem.

316
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,560
In his demonic form, he would
happily roam the killing field,

317
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:54,400
gorging on the panic.

318
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,600
He would grant dying wishes
to Highlanders,

319
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:59,280
who would then find their soul
inexplicably hurled

320
00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,560
into the body of a Boy Scout
on a roller-coaster.

321
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:05,600
His activities have had
an enduring legacy.

322
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,880
The Gaelic word for "demon"
is pronounced...

323
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:10,640
THICK ACCENT:
..tracksuit-wearing paedophile.

324
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,240
HE LAUGHS

325
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,760
Scotland often sees itself
as a liberal,

326
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:19,800
cultural and sexual paradise.

327
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,640
But when it comes to
who owns the land,

328
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,920
Scotland is one of the most
backward-looking countries

329
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,280
in the world.

330
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:27,400
This is the village of Inveraray,

331
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,840
which sits on land
owned by the Duke of Argyll,

332
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:32,200
one of the largest landowners
in Scotland.

333
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,720
In the 18th century,

334
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:38,040
the then Duke of Argyll decided
to demolish

335
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,720
and rebuilt it here,
on the shores of Loch Fyne,

336
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:43,520
so didn't spoil the view
from his magnificent new castle.

337
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:46,160
To consider why Scotland's
land ownership remains

338
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:49,440
in the hands of so few people,
I've met up with Andy Wightman,

339
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:52,680
who's been campaigning for
land reform in Scotland for decades.

340
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:55,320
The thing about Britain,
Scotland as well,

341
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,360
is we never had a revolution,

342
00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:00,080
whereas in Continental Europe,
you had the French Revolution,

343
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:01,640
and that, basically,

344
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:04,120
chopped the heads off
the king and the aristocrats.

345
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:08,680
It gave the church its parishes,
turned them into municipalities,

346
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:12,040
civil administrative units,
and that swept right across Europe.

347
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:13,840
And it changed
the law on inheritance,

348
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,280
so children had the legal right
to inherit land.

349
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,160
That swept across
Continental Europe,

350
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:20,720
but it never happened in Britain,
so even today,

351
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:24,200
children in Scotland do not have
the legal right to inherit property.

352
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:26,400
And that's been
a critical ingredient

353
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,480
in the perpetuation
of land and power.

354
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,480
We only abolished primogeniture -

355
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:33,640
you know, the eldest male son
shall inherit - in 1968.

356
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,760
So, the eldest would inherit
the estate

357
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:39,000
and they would keep it together, and
then the other children had nothing.

358
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:42,040
And that was a factor in colonialism
because the second son would go,

359
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:43,840
"I'd better go and invade
India then."

360
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:47,600
That's right, yeah,
or run somebody else's estate.

361
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:52,800
And the daughters would get married
off to other landed classes, yeah.

362
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,200
We could revolutionise the ownership

363
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,360
and occupation of land in Scotland
if we wanted to.

364
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,640
So, we don't have the will then.
Cos I remember,

365
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:01,760
when Donald Trump built
his golf course

366
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,240
on a Site of Special Scientific
Interest,

367
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:07,520
that was a really depressing moment,
I think, for people who thought,

368
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:10,040
"Things can be different
in the future in Scotland."

369
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:12,520
He's not even President then.
He's just some guy.

370
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:15,000
God's twisted some haemorrhoids
into a balloon animal

371
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,280
and we've gone, "OK, let's give him
whatever he wants."

372
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:22,280
He was convinced of his right
to do what he liked.

373
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,320
He didn't even know, at the time,

374
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:27,080
that he would have to get
planning consent and stuff.

375
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:28,640
He saw that as an inconvenience.

376
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:33,480
And the condition was, "OK, you can
destroy this beautiful dune system

377
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:37,560
"because we think that the benefits,
in terms of jobs and stuff,

378
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,120
"balances that out."

379
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:42,760
The tragedy is he was never forced
to put a bond down

380
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:45,440
or any guarantee
that these jobs would come.

381
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,720
So, he destroyed the dune,
built the golf course,

382
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,600
and he still hasn't provided
the jobs,

383
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,640
so actually, we've done it all
for nothing.

384
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,160
The fact is that anyone
from anywhere in the world can buy

385
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,600
anything they like in Scotland,
no questions asked.

386
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:04,320
The wealthy buy up chunks
of the Highlands for tax reasons.

387
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:07,960
The ruler of Dubai, Sheikh Mohammed
bin Rashid al-Maktoum,

388
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,920
owns 70,000 acres.

389
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,680
But he's not buying any more -

390
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:14,200
not since he found out
how women get treated here.

391
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,520
Fewer than 500 people own
half the land in Scotland.

392
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:18,920
Indeed, the real reason

393
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:22,000
the royals holiday in Balmoral
is so they can use Scottish staff

394
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,000
to teach their children
about mortality,

395
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,920
in the same way that you or I
would let them have hamster.

396
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:30,800
IN ENGLISH ACCENT: I'm afraid
old Jock's dead, son, but he was 35.

397
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:34,080
In Scottish years,
that's two World Cup qualifications.

398
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:37,640
Aristocrats get their power
from vast estates,

399
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,320
but north of Inveraray,

400
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,720
there's a radically different way
of generating power.

401
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,760
I'm heading along the River Awe
to get inside Ben Cruachan.

402
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,960
We're not dogging.
Ben Cruachan is a mountain -

403
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,160
a mountain that I'm about
to take a hard left into,

404
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,440
like Buddy Holly's pilot,

405
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,080
because about a mile inside is
a very unusual power station.

406
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,480
This dam was part of a massive
building project across Scotland

407
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:01,240
to create hydroelectric power,

408
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:04,240
but it's what's underneath the dam
that's most remarkable.

409
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:07,480
Four huge turbines produce
massive amounts of electricity

410
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:10,120
that's supplied all across Britain
when it's needed most.

411
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,360
I love the decor.

412
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:16,920
It's all that kind of Scottish 1970s
school and chapel kind of thing.

413
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:19,280
You know, like you'd see
Stations of the Cross

414
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,120
in a modern church
when you were a kid.

415
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:23,720
And that's the legend there
of Ben Cruachan,

416
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,640
which is an old Celtic legend,
that there was a witch,

417
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:30,840
and her job was to put a slab
over a spring every night,

418
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:32,280
over a wee fountain.

419
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,560
And she forgot to do it one night
and she fell asleep

420
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:37,760
and it flooded the whole place,
and that's where Loch Awe comes from

421
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:40,000
and that's where the River Awe
comes from.

422
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,000
It really just reminds me of church
as a boy.

423
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,880
I used to do the readings at Mass
when I was a wee boy,

424
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,880
so I had to dress up really smart
every Sunday.

425
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,200
Except for midnight Mass
at Christmas,

426
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,400
when I had to dress up
as a shepherd.

427
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,640
HE LAUGHS

428
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:59,280
Hundreds of men hollowed out this
mountain more than 50 years ago.

429
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:02,200
Some lost their lives
in the harsh working conditions.

430
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,800
Ian MacLean is one of the men who
became known as the Tunnel Tigers.

431
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,040
What was health and safety like
in those days?

432
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:11,360
Some days, you couldn't see
maybe about 20 feet in front of you.

433
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:15,560
Smoke, diesel off the dump trucks,
and if they were blasting,

434
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:19,040
there was gelignite. It was
quite uncomfortable, you know.

435
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:21,920
It's a dangerous life, isn't it?
It's quite dangerous, aye.

436
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:24,240
I remember, one time,
there was four guys came.

437
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,080
They were coalminers,

438
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:29,720
and by the 11 o'clock tea break,
they'd left

439
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:33,280
and said they wouldn't work in
the conditions we were working in.

440
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,440
We were too young.
We didn't know any better.

441
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,600
It's a very impressive place.
Opened by the Queen.

442
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,120
Mad life, being the Queen.

443
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:43,640
You've got to get up one morning
and go and open a mountain.

444
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:45,640
This is, like, 50 years ago though,
isn't it?

445
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,320
So, probably, like,
we're two or three years away

446
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:51,400
from a mountain being hollowed out
on Grand Designs.

447
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,320
AS KEVIN MCCLOUD: Philip and Tamsin
are hollowing out a mountain,

448
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,120
but as Christmas approaches,

449
00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:59,200
the slate hasn't arrived
and the twins are on their way.

450
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:00,680
HE LAUGHS

451
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:02,800
Those people are always in crisis,
aren't they?

452
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,360
There's always twins on their way.

453
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:08,480
Performing stand-up in Oban
isn't as heroic

454
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:10,760
as blasting away
at the inside of a mountain,

455
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,800
but it can be equally daunting.

456
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:16,400
I used to do gigs in Oban
when I started out in comedy

457
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,600
and they'd just kind of
put on a night somewhere.

458
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:21,600
I remember there was one
in a Mexican restaurant in Oban.

459
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:25,440
Er... And one time, I went up

460
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:28,120
and they were really drunk,
the crowd.

461
00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:31,600
And the first act on died,

462
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:35,720
as anybody can
in a Mexican restaurant in Oban.

463
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:39,520
And then the second act was
a kind of comedy poet.

464
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:41,280
She came on and she went,

465
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:44,640
"The first thing I have to say is
I'm not actually a comedian."

466
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:47,560
And someone went,
"Not a-fucking-nother one."

467
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:49,720
HE LAUGHS

468
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,280
I hope they've cheered up
since then.

469
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:57,240
Oban's always been best known as
a thriving fishing town

470
00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:59,000
and you'll still get crabs here.

471
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,960
But I've got a day before my gig
in Oban's Corran Halls.

472
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,800
That's them
over to the left of my van.

473
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:07,240
So, I thought I'd show you
my favourite ferry trip in Scotland,

474
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,840
because you get thrown out
of Travelogue Club

475
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:11,440
if you don't have a boat moment.

476
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:15,000
This is the ferry journey
from Oban over to Mull

477
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,920
and I've done it
loads and loads of times.

478
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:19,680
And what I love about it
is the light changes every time.

479
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:21,920
It's a different journey every time.
Look at that.

480
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:25,600
You can see how, even in the breaks
in the cloud, it changes it.

481
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:29,760
And it's starting to rain.
But, like, I used to think,

482
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:33,520
"Scotland's beautiful but it rains."
And then gradually, you realise

483
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:36,360
Scotland's beautiful
BECAUSE it rains.

484
00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:39,160
So, it feels amazing
just to be here.

485
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:41,160
It's interesting to
try and talk about

486
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,360
something like
the Scottish landscape

487
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:46,600
cos I used to watch Billy Connolly,
you know, when I was younger,

488
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:48,280
and I loved the way
he talked about it

489
00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:50,080
cos he had such enthusiasm,

490
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:53,560
and he's, like, really atypical
for a Scottish man, really.

491
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:55,880
But then, I think
a lot of people came after that

492
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:57,640
who were saying things like...

493
00:23:57,640 --> 00:23:59,880
They'd try and look terribly
sort of wind-tossed

494
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:03,520
and go,
"Scotland, the land of contrasts.

495
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,840
"Well, some of it is
and some of it isn't.

496
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:08,440
"That's what makes it
such a land of contrasts."

497
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:14,320
I suppose part of what I feel
is I look at places across there

498
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:17,440
and I kind of fantasise about them.
I go, "Imagine living over there."

499
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:20,120
And it's a good fantasy,
but then you sort of realise

500
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:22,640
that there's no shops
and you'd be dead in a week.

501
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:27,080
What we'll actually
probably end up doing

502
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:29,360
is just showing you
some of the scenery

503
00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:32,360
and playing a beautiful
wee Scottish song over it,

504
00:24:32,360 --> 00:24:36,040
which I'll introduce by turning
dramatically away from camera,

505
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,640
like this.

506
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:41,680
MUSIC: Da Flugga
by Jenna Reid and Bethany Reid

507
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:49,800
I'm now going to recreate
the moment from Titanic

508
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:53,680
by going below decks and fucking
someone in a really old car.

509
00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:58,920
The trip to Mull
takes less than an hour.

510
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:00,640
The crossing itself is enough
for me,

511
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:03,320
so I haven't planned
anything exciting to do on Mull.

512
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:08,360
I'm already worrying about my gig.

513
00:25:08,360 --> 00:25:10,960
You always worry about your show
a bit, you know.

514
00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:13,400
It's funny when you're
out in rural places

515
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:15,480
and there's all this
beautiful scenery,

516
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,600
and you're just kind of
lost in there, you know.

517
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:19,960
I remember one time,
I was doing a gig in Lochinver,

518
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:21,880
which is way, way up
the far north,

519
00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:25,840
and I was walking around the harbour
waiting to go on, doing my lines.

520
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:28,400
And I realised that,
as I was worrying about this show,

521
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:31,640
I was actually making eye contact
with a seal, you know.

522
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:33,360
HE LAUGHS

523
00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:36,280
Comedy is a bit like that. It makes
you look at the world, you know,

524
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:39,160
but it also takes you
away from the world a wee bit.

525
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:41,280
I've done gigs
where I've been waiting to go on

526
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:43,120
and I've been with a cow.

527
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:45,280
I've been with a cow and its calf
one time.

528
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:47,320
One time, I did a gig near Edinburgh

529
00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:50,400
and there was a field
outside where we did the show

530
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:52,400
that had horses in it.

531
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:55,480
And in the next field is, like,
you know, the jumps that horses do

532
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:58,600
when they're showjumping but they've
just left the polls on the ground.

533
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:00,840
So I was really bored,
and I ran round,

534
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:04,600
jumping over the wee jumps,
like I was a horse, for a laugh.

535
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:06,400
And when I looked round,

536
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:08,600
I saw the three horses
had come down to the fence

537
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:11,680
and they were looking over, like
that, going like this... Like that.

538
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:15,360
Which I like to imagine is horse
laughter, do you know what I mean?

539
00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:17,000
I hope it is.

540
00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:22,160
Interspecies laughter.
That's the toughest kind to get.

541
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,400
HE LAUGHS
I'll take it.

542
00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:32,400
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's make some Oban noise

543
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:37,520
and bring onto the stage
the one, the only Mr Frankie Boyle!

544
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:39,760
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

545
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:42,520
It's good to be here.
Oban. Oban, man.

546
00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,440
CHEERING

547
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:48,240
I like Oban cos Oban's a community
and that means something.

548
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:51,680
It means that everyone in this room
knows at least three people

549
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:53,440
they can phone after midnight

550
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:55,840
that'll help them ditch a body
in the sea.

551
00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:58,080
LAUGHTER

552
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:02,200
Just in case you're a tourist
and you don't know,

553
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,640
Oban is where drugs come
into Scotland.

554
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:08,520
And they don't all make it
back out again.

555
00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:10,720
LAUGHTER

556
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:13,560
Last time I was here,
I got murdered by midges.

557
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:15,720
I got absolutely devastated
by midges.

558
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:17,440
And I finally realised

559
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:20,120
it was cos they're used to
feeding on the locals

560
00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:22,520
and have become addicted to heroin.

561
00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:24,520
LAUGHTER

562
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:26,960
HE LAUGHS

563
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:31,360
I know, like, cocaine is actually
the drug here, cocaine.

564
00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:35,200
And I know why you'd need
the confidence of cocaine

565
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:38,600
when you're selling seafood
to tourists at these prices.

566
00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:40,840
LAUGHTER

567
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:43,040
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

568
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:47,480
£17 for a fish supper.

569
00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:49,840
I'll do a line
before I take the bill over.

570
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:52,080
LAUGHTER

571
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:57,760
I first started coming up to Oban
maybe about 20 years ago.

572
00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:00,280
I remember, the first night,
I went to a pub

573
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:04,360
and a guy was absolutely mortal
and he left.

574
00:28:04,360 --> 00:28:07,000
And I went, "Is he going to be OK?
He's not driving, is he?"

575
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:09,920
And someone went,
"No, no, no. He's got a boat."

576
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,320
LAUGHTER

577
00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:14,800
I was, like, "A boat?!
Is that safe?"

578
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:17,880
And no kidding, the guy went,
"He's only rowing."

579
00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:21,080
He's only fucking rowing?!

580
00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:25,440
It shows you just how different
life is here, man.

581
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:28,440
Hi, my name's Andy. I'm your Uber.

582
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:30,760
LAUGHTER

583
00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:36,560
On my next journey,
I'll be on the east coast,

584
00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:38,960
as I brave Edinburgh
during the festival...

585
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:44,560
..head north to spend a day
in a Scottish prison...

586
00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:47,600
Wow, it's a beautiful day
to go to jail.

587
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,120
It's lovely, yeah, it's lovely.

588
00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:51,920
..and do a gig in Aberdeen.

589
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:54,000
APPLAUSE

590
00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:06,000
I'm Frankie Boyle. There comes a
time in every comedian's career when

591
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:10,800
he decides to do travelogues, like a
racehorse being put out to pasture

592
00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:14,400
to eat sugar lumps
and have sex with donkeys.

593
00:29:14,900 --> 00:29:16,800
So I'm off on a tour of Scotland.

594
00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:19,500
I've decided that I really need
to reconnect with the place,

595
00:29:19,500 --> 00:29:21,600
playing a bunch of smaller theatres
around the country

596
00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:25,000
in preparation for a big run
in Glasgow and Edinburgh.

597
00:29:26,300 --> 00:29:28,540
I haven't toured Scotland
since 2012,

598
00:29:28,540 --> 00:29:30,380
and back then,
I spent most of my time

599
00:29:30,380 --> 00:29:32,380
in hotel rooms and dressing rooms,

600
00:29:32,380 --> 00:29:34,620
struggling to get porn
on a 2G reception.

601
00:29:35,900 --> 00:29:38,140
But this time,
I'm going to explore Scotland,

602
00:29:38,140 --> 00:29:41,260
find the real nation
beyond the cliches and tourist
traps,

603
00:29:41,260 --> 00:29:43,180
meeting some of its most
unique people,

604
00:29:43,180 --> 00:29:47,460
and considering some of its most
important historical characters.

605
00:29:47,460 --> 00:29:50,500
You'll see me stare
into the middle distance in a hotel,

606
00:29:50,500 --> 00:29:52,500
seated, and from the stage.

607
00:29:53,580 --> 00:29:56,580
I'll be meeting people with beards,
statues without beards,

608
00:29:56,580 --> 00:29:59,220
and fighting a man
because I want to win his beard.

609
00:30:00,460 --> 00:30:02,620
As I tour Scotland,
I'll finally find a way

610
00:30:02,620 --> 00:30:04,940
of talking to my therapist
about my father,

611
00:30:04,940 --> 00:30:07,060
and take part in a
vegetable-based seance.

612
00:30:08,980 --> 00:30:11,340
And wherever possible,
I'll be throwing money

613
00:30:11,340 --> 00:30:13,660
at unnecessary drone shots,
just like this one.

614
00:30:20,340 --> 00:30:22,580
I think my favourite royal story
at the minute,

615
00:30:22,580 --> 00:30:24,380
have you seen this story?

616
00:30:24,380 --> 00:30:29,060
They've got a plan to evacuate the
Queen in the event of a Brexit riot.

617
00:30:29,060 --> 00:30:33,180
Who in the middle of a riot
is thinking, "Let's do the Queen"?

618
00:30:35,420 --> 00:30:39,020
I mean, you're trying to steal some
loo rolls and some Minstrels

619
00:30:39,020 --> 00:30:41,460
out of a burning Asda,

620
00:30:41,460 --> 00:30:45,940
and you stop yourself and go, "No,
you know what I need to be doing?

621
00:30:45,940 --> 00:30:51,020
"I need to be sprinting across
open moorland towards Balmoral..."

622
00:30:51,020 --> 00:30:55,020
..to where the Queen is
lying in wait for you, by the way.

623
00:30:55,020 --> 00:30:58,740
The Queen has been preparing
for this like fucking Skyfall.

624
00:31:00,300 --> 00:31:03,500
Prince Philip bursts out in his Jeep
like fucking Mad Max.

625
00:31:06,500 --> 00:31:09,220
The Queen starts to assume
her dragon form.

626
00:31:11,100 --> 00:31:13,420
The Queen has a dragon form.

627
00:31:13,420 --> 00:31:15,460
That's why Pall Mall is so long
and wide.

628
00:31:15,460 --> 00:31:16,860
It's a kind of runway...

629
00:31:18,660 --> 00:31:21,220
..for the...

630
00:31:21,220 --> 00:31:24,500
For the Queen's
demonic dragon body

631
00:31:24,500 --> 00:31:26,980
to get airborne over a riot.

632
00:31:28,860 --> 00:31:31,060
That's why we have flypasts
at royal occasions.

633
00:31:31,060 --> 00:31:32,700
We're just reminding the Queen,

634
00:31:32,700 --> 00:31:36,620
"Hey, we have the firepower
to subdue you".

635
00:31:36,620 --> 00:31:39,260
Watch the Queen on the balcony.

636
00:31:39,260 --> 00:31:42,780
She always looks up at
the Red Arrows like that. "Rrarr!"

637
00:31:42,780 --> 00:31:45,060
LAUGHTER

638
00:31:51,940 --> 00:31:54,860
When I'm on the road, I'll be
thinking a wee bit about language,

639
00:31:54,860 --> 00:31:58,260
which is a big preoccupation
for stand-up comedians.

640
00:31:58,260 --> 00:32:01,180
I'm going to encounter Scots
language, English language,

641
00:32:01,180 --> 00:32:03,940
sign language, and of course,
some bad language.

642
00:32:05,860 --> 00:32:07,780
Swearing is different in Scotland.

643
00:32:07,780 --> 00:32:10,860
Here, the word "fucking" is just
a warning that a noun is on its way.

644
00:32:13,020 --> 00:32:16,180
On this journey, like so many
promising showbusiness careers,

645
00:32:16,180 --> 00:32:19,820
I'm starting in the capital, but
ending up doing a gig in Aberdeen.

646
00:32:19,820 --> 00:32:21,220
I know Edinburgh well

647
00:32:21,220 --> 00:32:23,660
from many years performing
as a stand-up at the Fringe.

648
00:32:26,020 --> 00:32:28,300
There's really two Edinburghs.

649
00:32:28,300 --> 00:32:32,220
Economically,
there is huge inequality here.

650
00:32:32,220 --> 00:32:35,220
Much as it's like two cities
economically,

651
00:32:35,220 --> 00:32:37,540
there are also two Festivals
as well.

652
00:32:38,860 --> 00:32:42,780
The Festival is very different
for local people.

653
00:32:42,780 --> 00:32:45,380
I remember when I was starting
out in comedy,

654
00:32:45,380 --> 00:32:47,300
I can't remember what it was for,

655
00:32:47,300 --> 00:32:50,900
but I was doing vox pops
around Edinburgh, talking to locals.

656
00:32:50,900 --> 00:32:53,260
Pretty much the first guy
I talked to,

657
00:32:53,260 --> 00:32:56,100
I went, "Are you excited about
the Festival?"

658
00:32:56,100 --> 00:32:58,740
He was like, "Yeah, yeah".
"What do you like about it?"

659
00:32:58,740 --> 00:33:00,660
He said, "Tourists dropping money".

660
00:33:03,100 --> 00:33:05,500
During the Edinburgh Festival,

661
00:33:05,500 --> 00:33:09,020
the city swells in population
by almost 200,000 cunts.

662
00:33:09,020 --> 00:33:11,180
MUSIC: Keep Yourself Warm,
by Frightened Rabbit

663
00:33:11,180 --> 00:33:13,980
Anywhere on the Royal Mile, you can
throw a rock and hit a juggler,

664
00:33:13,980 --> 00:33:15,620
or I suppose you could use a hammer.

665
00:33:17,580 --> 00:33:19,780
The Edinburgh Fringe is a place
full of hope,

666
00:33:19,780 --> 00:33:23,140
which is probably why I'm not
really welcome any more.

667
00:33:23,140 --> 00:33:26,620
But I came to see one show that
ponders a difficult transformation

668
00:33:26,620 --> 00:33:28,980
of a young man
from addict to performer

669
00:33:28,980 --> 00:33:31,500
to prize-winning author
and social commentator.

670
00:33:31,500 --> 00:33:33,660
Darren McGarvey has become
well known

671
00:33:33,660 --> 00:33:36,980
as a voice for the unheard or
ignored, and in much of his show,

672
00:33:36,980 --> 00:33:39,020
he rails against class stereotypes

673
00:33:39,020 --> 00:33:42,460
while attempting to rationalise
his sudden change in circumstances.

674
00:33:46,460 --> 00:33:51,180
Now, travelling first class would
not represent any sort of conflict

675
00:33:51,180 --> 00:33:52,980
for many ABC1s in here.

676
00:33:52,980 --> 00:33:56,220
Indeed, they will have become
accustomed to that quality of life,

677
00:33:56,220 --> 00:33:58,820
any contraction in which will make
them feel very aggrieved,

678
00:33:58,820 --> 00:34:02,180
almost like they're experiencing
some form of oppression.

679
00:34:02,180 --> 00:34:03,700
But when you are raised
in a community

680
00:34:03,700 --> 00:34:05,860
where it's ingrained in you
from an early age

681
00:34:05,860 --> 00:34:10,020
that people who travel first class
are in fact wankers,

682
00:34:10,020 --> 00:34:13,380
then you can imagine
the inner conflict felt by me.

683
00:34:16,460 --> 00:34:18,340
After the show,
I caught up with Darren,

684
00:34:18,340 --> 00:34:20,140
as we climbed up
to the inner sanctum

685
00:34:20,140 --> 00:34:22,300
of a multistorey
illuminati sex temple

686
00:34:22,300 --> 00:34:25,100
to talk about how
he feels language has empowered him

687
00:34:25,100 --> 00:34:27,380
and how it's been
formative for both of us.

688
00:34:29,380 --> 00:34:32,020
Darren, loved the show, man.
Thank you. It was really good.

689
00:34:32,020 --> 00:34:35,980
It's really self-critical,
and it's really reflective.

690
00:34:35,980 --> 00:34:39,740
I wonder how huge an effect language
can have on people sometimes.

691
00:34:39,740 --> 00:34:44,660
I remember when Lara Croft,
Tomb Raider first came out,

692
00:34:44,660 --> 00:34:47,060
me and my pal were sitting
in this flat down in London

693
00:34:47,060 --> 00:34:48,900
and someone was showing us
this game,

694
00:34:48,900 --> 00:34:53,220
and it's like she hangs off these
big blocks, and I was going,

695
00:34:53,220 --> 00:34:55,820
"So it's basically
a game about dreeping, right?"

696
00:34:55,820 --> 00:34:57,740
They were like,
"What are you talking about?"

697
00:34:57,740 --> 00:34:59,860
And I was going, "You know
how you dreep off a wall?"

698
00:34:59,860 --> 00:35:00,940
They were like, "No".

699
00:35:00,940 --> 00:35:02,700
And I was like,
"Well, you climb up the wall

700
00:35:02,700 --> 00:35:05,140
"and if you couldn't get back down
by jumping, it's too high,

701
00:35:05,140 --> 00:35:07,940
"you have to hang yourself off
and drop.

702
00:35:07,940 --> 00:35:11,300
"You don't have a word for that?"
They were like, "No".

703
00:35:11,300 --> 00:35:14,180
I said, "What did you do when you
were up a wall when you were a kid?"

704
00:35:14,180 --> 00:35:17,420
They were like, "We got stuck!
We'd have to shout for our mums."

705
00:35:17,420 --> 00:35:19,540
Maybe because you don't
have the word.

706
00:35:19,540 --> 00:35:23,460
That's a great point, and I think
that that also applies

707
00:35:23,460 --> 00:35:25,660
to social problems and politics,

708
00:35:25,660 --> 00:35:29,380
where if we're all using
different terminology

709
00:35:29,380 --> 00:35:32,100
to describe the reality around us,

710
00:35:32,100 --> 00:35:35,500
then we lose the ability
through language

711
00:35:35,500 --> 00:35:37,700
to start to conceptualise

712
00:35:37,700 --> 00:35:39,900
what a solution to a problem might
look like

713
00:35:39,900 --> 00:35:41,860
or what the problem is in
the first place.

714
00:35:41,860 --> 00:35:44,980
The good thing about language is
that everyone has access to it,

715
00:35:44,980 --> 00:35:46,980
or most people have access to it.

716
00:35:46,980 --> 00:35:49,020
It's just when you start
making pronouncements

717
00:35:49,020 --> 00:35:51,980
about what is the right language
and what's the wrong language,

718
00:35:51,980 --> 00:35:54,060
that's when it becomes exclusionary.

719
00:35:54,060 --> 00:35:57,580
From the classroom to the courtroom,
lower-class people are conditioned

720
00:35:57,580 --> 00:36:00,220
that there is a voice of reason
and there is a voice of authority,

721
00:36:00,220 --> 00:36:02,060
and that voice,
whether it's Jeremy Kyle

722
00:36:02,060 --> 00:36:05,100
or whether it's a newsreader,
is always middle-class.

723
00:36:05,100 --> 00:36:07,100
It's very hard to shake that,
isn't it?

724
00:36:07,100 --> 00:36:10,140
One of the first days I was at uni,
I went to uni in England

725
00:36:10,140 --> 00:36:13,300
and I remember telling people
what a scramble was in Glasgow,

726
00:36:13,300 --> 00:36:16,020
you know, at weddings.
Did you have that? Money.

727
00:36:16,020 --> 00:36:17,780
Yeah. The father of the bride

728
00:36:17,780 --> 00:36:19,900
would come out
with a load of change,

729
00:36:19,900 --> 00:36:22,460
maybe 50ps if it was a good wedding,

730
00:36:22,460 --> 00:36:25,260
and would just fire it
into the gutter.

731
00:36:25,260 --> 00:36:28,180
And the kids would
fight each other for it.

732
00:36:28,180 --> 00:36:31,140
And this to them sounded like...
Barbaric.

733
00:36:31,140 --> 00:36:34,620
..the opening scene of a musical
or something, and it's terrific.

734
00:36:35,620 --> 00:36:39,140
And you sort of learnt to go,
"Maybe file that memory away".

735
00:36:42,700 --> 00:36:44,260
Edinburgh at Festival time

736
00:36:44,260 --> 00:36:46,900
is overrun with performers
and tourists.

737
00:36:46,900 --> 00:36:49,340
During August, you could club a man
unconscious here,

738
00:36:49,340 --> 00:36:50,980
and so long as your face
was painted,

739
00:36:50,980 --> 00:36:52,780
people would assume it was theatre.

740
00:36:54,980 --> 00:36:57,140
It's also Scotland's
most literary city,

741
00:36:57,140 --> 00:36:58,900
with three branches of WHSmith,

742
00:36:58,900 --> 00:37:01,700
and home to many of its
greatest writers and thinkers.

743
00:37:03,180 --> 00:37:05,060
Some are commemorated with statues,

744
00:37:05,060 --> 00:37:07,700
but one of them
has his own monument.

745
00:37:07,700 --> 00:37:11,100
No single writer has done more to
define the very idea of Scotland.

746
00:37:13,060 --> 00:37:16,380
Sir Walter Scott was born
in 1771 in Edinburgh's Old Town,

747
00:37:16,380 --> 00:37:18,100
although it was newer then.

748
00:37:18,100 --> 00:37:20,820
He contracted polio
and developed a limp in childhood.

749
00:37:20,820 --> 00:37:23,660
Only in Scotland would they build
a monument with so many stairs

750
00:37:23,660 --> 00:37:25,540
to a guy with a limp.

751
00:37:25,540 --> 00:37:27,140
Edinburgh's Waverley Station

752
00:37:27,140 --> 00:37:29,220
is still the only train station
in the world

753
00:37:29,220 --> 00:37:31,180
that's named after a novel,
which is a pity,

754
00:37:31,180 --> 00:37:33,700
as who wouldn't want to get
a bus replacement service

755
00:37:33,700 --> 00:37:35,500
from American Psycho?

756
00:37:35,500 --> 00:37:38,100
Scott initially wrote his novels
anonymously,

757
00:37:38,100 --> 00:37:40,180
as novel-writing had no real
social standing

758
00:37:40,180 --> 00:37:41,940
and it wasn't clear
if it was something

759
00:37:41,940 --> 00:37:44,300
that a poet should be
concerning himself with.

760
00:37:44,300 --> 00:37:46,740
The ambiguity about the authorship
of the novels

761
00:37:46,740 --> 00:37:49,300
contributed to the popularity.
It's the same reason

762
00:37:49,300 --> 00:37:52,580
that Prince Harry is more popular
than Prince William.

763
00:37:52,580 --> 00:37:54,780
Scott was not without his critics,

764
00:37:54,780 --> 00:37:58,220
but in his romanticising of
Highland tropes among Lowland Scots,

765
00:37:58,220 --> 00:38:01,100
Scott hit on a vision of
a more unified idea of Scotland

766
00:38:01,100 --> 00:38:02,980
that has persisted to this day.

767
00:38:06,900 --> 00:38:10,500
A couple of miles south of Edinburgh
city centre is Morningside.

768
00:38:10,500 --> 00:38:13,180
It's a genteel and refined part
of Edinburgh,

769
00:38:13,180 --> 00:38:14,740
and even has its own accent,

770
00:38:14,740 --> 00:38:18,140
which sounds a bit like Jacob
Rees-Mogg gargling pound coins.

771
00:38:20,060 --> 00:38:22,780
They say, "Write what you know,"

772
00:38:22,780 --> 00:38:25,460
hence crime fiction in Scotland
is incredibly popular.

773
00:38:26,580 --> 00:38:29,140
It's far removed from the romance
of Sir Walter Scott,

774
00:38:29,140 --> 00:38:30,820
but its appeal is
just as international.

775
00:38:32,820 --> 00:38:35,100
I've put on my best bunnet
and come to Morningside

776
00:38:35,100 --> 00:38:36,700
to meet writer Val McDermid,

777
00:38:36,700 --> 00:38:40,420
whose crime novels have been
translated into 40 languages

778
00:38:40,420 --> 00:38:42,500
and sold over 16 million copies.

779
00:38:42,500 --> 00:38:45,940
I just started reading your new book
last night, so no spoilers.

780
00:38:45,940 --> 00:38:49,100
They found a bunch of bodies.
As usually happens in my books.

781
00:38:49,100 --> 00:38:50,100
BOTH LAUGH

782
00:38:52,940 --> 00:38:56,700
Unprompted by the director,
we silently agree to take a seat.

783
00:39:00,220 --> 00:39:04,020
I think we nailed that.
Totally. We walked in and sat down.

784
00:39:04,020 --> 00:39:06,220
Nobody fell over or anything.

785
00:39:06,220 --> 00:39:09,180
It's so nice to meet you, Val.
It's lovely to meet you too.

786
00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:11,940
Cos I've kind of known you
through books for years.

787
00:39:11,940 --> 00:39:14,420
You wrote a really good book
on forensics,

788
00:39:14,420 --> 00:39:21,340
and apparently, one of the slabs at
Dundee Pathology is named after you.

789
00:39:21,340 --> 00:39:25,740
Yes, the whole mortuary's
named after me! Oh, right!

790
00:39:25,740 --> 00:39:29,100
Why did it take so long for crime
fiction to take root in Scotland?

791
00:39:29,100 --> 00:39:32,140
You don't really get here till the
'70s. It's interesting, isn't it?

792
00:39:32,140 --> 00:39:34,980
Somebody has to make that
imaginative leap

793
00:39:34,980 --> 00:39:37,780
to get to a place where it's
possible, and I think for us

794
00:39:37,780 --> 00:39:41,060
it was Willie McIlvanney's book
Laidlaw in the late 1970s.

795
00:39:41,060 --> 00:39:44,540
Nobody had written a crime novel
like that in Scotland before,

796
00:39:44,540 --> 00:39:47,300
and I remember reading it
and being astonished

797
00:39:47,300 --> 00:39:49,740
that there was actually
a book written

798
00:39:49,740 --> 00:39:53,180
with working-class characters,
and a murder in it as well.

799
00:39:53,180 --> 00:39:55,620
It was a crime novel.
It was accessible.

800
00:39:55,620 --> 00:39:59,060
People talked the way you heard
people talking in the streets,

801
00:39:59,060 --> 00:40:01,740
and that was revelatory for me.
How do you write dialogue?

802
00:40:01,740 --> 00:40:04,300
Do you feel some people
just have a natural ear for it?

803
00:40:04,300 --> 00:40:09,020
With dialogue, it's about making it
how people expect dialogue to be.

804
00:40:09,020 --> 00:40:11,900
One of the things I do is go
and listen to local radio

805
00:40:11,900 --> 00:40:16,220
on the internet and listen to the
phone-ins, and listen to the bams.

806
00:40:16,220 --> 00:40:19,380
That's where all the criminals are,
on the phone-ins.

807
00:40:19,380 --> 00:40:22,460
And listen to how they speak, and
you start to hear the speech rhythms

808
00:40:22,460 --> 00:40:26,500
in your head so you can render it
on the page and it becomes credible.

809
00:40:26,500 --> 00:40:29,460
For me, there's a wee bit
of subversiveness,

810
00:40:29,460 --> 00:40:32,100
because I always like to slip
the odd Scots dialect word in.

811
00:40:32,100 --> 00:40:35,620
So I'll talk about the weather being
dreich, or "I used to could."

812
00:40:35,620 --> 00:40:38,860
"I used to could do that,
but I cannae dae it noo".

813
00:40:38,860 --> 00:40:40,740
I love that, "I used to could".

814
00:40:40,740 --> 00:40:43,900
You say that to an English prison
and they go, "What?"

815
00:40:47,380 --> 00:40:50,020
MUSIC: Get It Right Next Time,
by Gerry Rafferty

816
00:40:53,100 --> 00:40:55,340
This sequence can mean
only one thing.

817
00:40:55,340 --> 00:40:57,940
My gig material at the end
of the show is unbroadcastable,

818
00:40:57,940 --> 00:40:59,700
so we're bulking up
with road shots.

819
00:41:01,340 --> 00:41:04,500
I've left Edinburgh to travel north
in this very comfortable

820
00:41:04,500 --> 00:41:08,220
and surprisingly fuel-efficient
Volkswagen van.

821
00:41:08,220 --> 00:41:11,860
During the war, a considerable
percentage of Volkswagen's workforce

822
00:41:11,860 --> 00:41:14,140
was slave labour from
concentration camps,

823
00:41:14,140 --> 00:41:16,460
but that's a whole different
documentary.

824
00:41:18,860 --> 00:41:21,140
For now, I'm travelling up
Scotland's east coast

825
00:41:21,140 --> 00:41:23,940
to Peterhead, where tomorrow,
I'll spend a day in prison.

826
00:41:28,580 --> 00:41:31,860
Before that, I'm spending the night
in a hotel that has a unique role

827
00:41:31,860 --> 00:41:33,820
in one of the world's
most famous novels.

828
00:41:35,340 --> 00:41:38,180
I'm here in the Kilmarnock Arms
Hotel.

829
00:41:38,180 --> 00:41:45,060
Kilmarnock arms sounds a bit like a
euphemism for a heroin junkie.

830
00:41:45,060 --> 00:41:47,460
"He's wearing a long-sleeved shirt
today,

831
00:41:47,460 --> 00:41:49,380
"he's got the Kilmarnock arms".

832
00:41:49,380 --> 00:41:53,060
That's a horrible joke
about a very nice hotel.

833
00:41:53,060 --> 00:41:56,100
And this is apparently where
Bram Stoker

834
00:41:56,100 --> 00:41:59,660
wrote the first few chapters
of Dracula.

835
00:41:59,660 --> 00:42:02,180
If you want to write
about the undead,

836
00:42:02,180 --> 00:42:05,540
then the greater Peterhead area
in the off-season

837
00:42:05,540 --> 00:42:07,220
is a good place to start.

838
00:42:08,420 --> 00:42:11,300
Some people say about Dracula

839
00:42:11,300 --> 00:42:14,820
that Bram Stoker was
a deeply sublimated homosexual.

840
00:42:16,060 --> 00:42:19,140
Um, he was in a sexless marriage.

841
00:42:21,580 --> 00:42:24,340
He spoke out against homosexuals
publicly,

842
00:42:24,340 --> 00:42:26,100
but he started writing Dracula

843
00:42:26,100 --> 00:42:30,620
a couple of weeks after Oscar Wilde
went to jail.

844
00:42:30,620 --> 00:42:32,740
So some people think that Dracula's

845
00:42:32,740 --> 00:42:36,940
an expression of his
frustrated sexuality, you know,

846
00:42:36,940 --> 00:42:41,580
you get bitten on the neck by a guy,
and life changes forever.

847
00:42:44,940 --> 00:42:47,500
Isn't that just a case of
wanting to imagine

848
00:42:47,500 --> 00:42:51,740
that public figures were really
unhappy, you know what I mean?

849
00:42:51,740 --> 00:42:55,180
I like to think that Bram Stoker
came up here every year or so

850
00:42:55,180 --> 00:42:57,380
and got shagged really hard

851
00:42:57,380 --> 00:43:00,980
by a local farmer
or a gillie or something,

852
00:43:00,980 --> 00:43:04,860
and he'd just look down
at his own white knuckles,

853
00:43:04,860 --> 00:43:08,300
and then he'd come back here
to the hotel

854
00:43:08,300 --> 00:43:11,100
and write Dracula standing up.

855
00:43:17,340 --> 00:43:20,020
Peterhead Prison was once the most
notorious in Britain.

856
00:43:20,020 --> 00:43:21,620
Thankfully, it's now a museum

857
00:43:21,620 --> 00:43:24,300
and they've built a nice,
shiny new prison next door to it.

858
00:43:28,140 --> 00:43:30,580
I've never been in prison,
something which I attribute

859
00:43:30,580 --> 00:43:32,980
to being lucky enough
to get a proper education,

860
00:43:32,980 --> 00:43:34,980
where I learned
that bleach destroys DNA.

861
00:43:39,740 --> 00:43:41,820
Perfect. Thanking you.

862
00:43:41,820 --> 00:43:46,860
You don't have any mobile phones,
communication devices? No. Perfect.

863
00:43:46,860 --> 00:43:49,220
Could you just walk through there
for me?

864
00:43:49,220 --> 00:43:52,100
Can I get you to take off your belt,
your shoes and glasses as well?

865
00:43:52,100 --> 00:43:54,460
Sometimes that sets off the metal
detector. Right.

866
00:43:54,460 --> 00:43:57,500
VOICEOVER: Any filming that
requires me to take off my belt,

867
00:43:57,500 --> 00:43:59,340
trainers and glasses
gets me a little nervous.

868
00:43:59,340 --> 00:44:00,780
And your glasses as well.

869
00:44:00,780 --> 00:44:03,620
And through the metal detector...
Perfect.

870
00:44:03,620 --> 00:44:05,300
But it's all reassuringly thorough.

871
00:44:05,300 --> 00:44:08,420
People are certainly going to
struggle to break into this place.

872
00:44:08,420 --> 00:44:10,340
And turn round for me.

873
00:44:11,820 --> 00:44:13,260
Perfect, thanking you.

874
00:44:14,940 --> 00:44:17,780
My glasses have fallen into my shoe.
That's a good start to the day.

875
00:44:17,780 --> 00:44:20,340
HE CHUCKLES

876
00:44:22,940 --> 00:44:26,620
Not surprisingly, entering a prison
has a certain tension about it,

877
00:44:26,620 --> 00:44:29,220
which I try to ease with
my legendary small talk.

878
00:44:29,220 --> 00:44:33,060
Wow. It's a beautiful day
to go to jail. It's lovely.

879
00:44:37,980 --> 00:44:42,260
This is where we are in terms of
our education department.

880
00:44:46,300 --> 00:44:49,340
The education department
is deep inside the prison,

881
00:44:49,340 --> 00:44:52,180
a space for inmates to
express themselves artistically,

882
00:44:52,180 --> 00:44:55,460
give them a much-needed outlet
for their frustrations and hopes.

883
00:44:58,940 --> 00:45:00,860
I'm here to join
a Scots language class

884
00:45:00,860 --> 00:45:04,100
that's part of the prison's
rehabilitation programme.

885
00:45:04,100 --> 00:45:07,020
How are you doing? I'm Frankie.
Nice to meet you.

886
00:45:07,020 --> 00:45:08,460
How are you doing, buddy?

887
00:45:11,260 --> 00:45:14,620
The new facilities are disarmingly
modern, and the following section

888
00:45:14,620 --> 00:45:17,100
will probably disappoint viewers
who've tuned in

889
00:45:17,100 --> 00:45:20,020
hoping to see someone blinded
with a sharpened lunch tray.

890
00:45:21,820 --> 00:45:23,900
The class is run
by Alistair Heather,

891
00:45:23,900 --> 00:45:27,140
who encourages the guys to see
their local dialect of Doric

892
00:45:27,140 --> 00:45:29,100
as just as valid
as standard English.

893
00:45:30,460 --> 00:45:34,420
Something that we're trying to
push at Aberdeen University

894
00:45:34,420 --> 00:45:38,500
is the validity and legitimacy of
Doric as a means of self-expression

895
00:45:38,500 --> 00:45:41,020
as part of the Scots
language family.

896
00:45:41,020 --> 00:45:43,940
Chris, you're quite
a confident, educated guy.

897
00:45:43,940 --> 00:45:45,860
What's your experience
of Scots been?

898
00:45:47,020 --> 00:45:50,300
I speak Scots with my pals,
you know? We'll all speak it,

899
00:45:50,300 --> 00:45:52,900
but at school,
you're taught to speak English,

900
00:45:52,900 --> 00:45:54,540
try to speak "properly."

901
00:45:54,540 --> 00:45:57,420
So you get pulled between the two.

902
00:45:57,420 --> 00:46:01,260
That kind of biding in two worlds
simultaneously, linguistically,

903
00:46:01,260 --> 00:46:03,940
is a really common experience
for Scots speakers.

904
00:46:03,940 --> 00:46:06,740
So, the different dialect regions
of Scots,

905
00:46:06,740 --> 00:46:08,980
some words are popular in A dialect,

906
00:46:08,980 --> 00:46:11,340
and will fall out of favour
in others.

907
00:46:11,340 --> 00:46:14,300
In Glasgow until quite recently,
they would say "bairn" for child,

908
00:46:14,300 --> 00:46:17,660
and they would say "ken"
for knowing something.

909
00:46:17,660 --> 00:46:19,460
But they dinnae dae that any mair,

910
00:46:19,460 --> 00:46:22,540
and things go in and oot of fashion
in different dialect areas.

911
00:46:22,540 --> 00:46:26,660
I had a friend who worked in a
comedy club, he was from Fife,

912
00:46:26,660 --> 00:46:29,900
and he was always
talking about his bairns.

913
00:46:29,900 --> 00:46:31,500
He was going through this divorce.

914
00:46:31,500 --> 00:46:34,500
And I had another pal who
used to come down to the comedy club

915
00:46:34,500 --> 00:46:36,140
who was from Northern Ireland

916
00:46:36,140 --> 00:46:38,500
and this guy kept going
on to him about his bairns

917
00:46:38,500 --> 00:46:40,460
and how worried he was
about his bairns.

918
00:46:40,460 --> 00:46:41,900
And it turned out weeks later,

919
00:46:41,900 --> 00:46:44,820
that the Northern Irish guy thought
he was talking about his balls.

920
00:46:44,820 --> 00:46:46,580
He'd never head this word before.

921
00:46:46,580 --> 00:46:49,060
He thought he was getting separated
from his balls!

922
00:46:50,620 --> 00:46:52,660
So you've got sports vocab.

923
00:46:52,660 --> 00:46:54,860
Yous were saying "fitba park,"
absolutely.

924
00:46:56,100 --> 00:46:58,620
Head-the-baw actually has nothing
to do with football,

925
00:46:58,620 --> 00:47:01,180
it just means a nutter.
Heid-the-baw? Heid-the-baw, aye.

926
00:47:01,180 --> 00:47:03,380
Heid-the-baw does mean nutter, aye.

927
00:47:03,380 --> 00:47:06,660
And stoat-the-baw means a
paedophile. Is that right? Yeah.

928
00:47:06,660 --> 00:47:09,380
Different dialect regions
hae different influences

929
00:47:09,380 --> 00:47:11,460
and different fashions in speech.

930
00:47:11,460 --> 00:47:13,500
Absolutely, especially in Ayrshire.

931
00:47:13,500 --> 00:47:16,740
Everyone I've known from there
is dead different from Glasgow.

932
00:47:16,740 --> 00:47:19,660
So you get people who say,
"Whit dae ye cry him?"

933
00:47:19,660 --> 00:47:21,820
Would you say that around here?
"Whit dae ye cry him?"

934
00:47:21,820 --> 00:47:23,540
In here, it's like
"What's your crime?"

935
00:47:23,540 --> 00:47:25,020
LAUGHTER

936
00:47:25,020 --> 00:47:28,460
Which is a subject we're no
covering the day, thank you!

937
00:47:28,460 --> 00:47:30,820
VOICEOVER: We're put into groups
and assigned the task

938
00:47:30,820 --> 00:47:33,540
of writing a sports report
that uses Scots vocabulary.

939
00:47:34,900 --> 00:47:37,940
"Lionel Messi is not a
stoat-the-baw..."

940
00:47:37,940 --> 00:47:39,340
To the best of our knowledge.

941
00:47:39,340 --> 00:47:42,020
HE LAUGHS

942
00:47:43,500 --> 00:47:45,660
That's our fifth sentence.

943
00:47:47,900 --> 00:47:50,940
Despite a dreich day and a minging
pitch, the Broch blootered Celtic

944
00:47:50,940 --> 00:47:53,180
10-0, all doon to their new star
signing Lionel Messi,

945
00:47:53,180 --> 00:47:54,980
who recently transferred
fae Barcelona

946
00:47:54,980 --> 00:47:57,020
after being exposed as a
stoat-the-baw,

947
00:47:57,020 --> 00:47:59,020
who flitted to Scotland as,
due to the lack of

948
00:47:59,020 --> 00:48:02,260
extradition treaty post-Brexit, he
cannae get booted oot the country.

949
00:48:03,660 --> 00:48:06,380
Legal disclaimer - Lionel Messi
is not a stoat-the-baw,

950
00:48:06,380 --> 00:48:08,780
to the best of our knowledge.

951
00:48:08,780 --> 00:48:10,700
LAUGHTER

952
00:48:14,180 --> 00:48:16,940
Ali, you get this thing from people
sometimes where they go,

953
00:48:16,940 --> 00:48:19,780
"The thing with Scots is,
I don't know anyone who speaks it."

954
00:48:19,780 --> 00:48:22,340
And I always think, "No, they don't
speak it to YOU.

955
00:48:22,340 --> 00:48:24,220
"They have different registers
for people,

956
00:48:24,220 --> 00:48:26,860
"and they know you're the sort
of person who's not receptive".

957
00:48:26,860 --> 00:48:27,940
You could wonder aboot

958
00:48:27,940 --> 00:48:30,420
the north-east only
speaking English and think,

959
00:48:30,420 --> 00:48:33,220
"Nobody here speaks Scots,
they're all speaking English".

960
00:48:33,220 --> 00:48:35,660
But if you go to Belgium,
and you only speak English,

961
00:48:35,660 --> 00:48:38,020
Belgian folk will just
speak English to you.

962
00:48:38,020 --> 00:48:40,180
It doesnae mean their languages
there dinnae exist.

963
00:48:40,180 --> 00:48:42,980
50 years ago, there was naebody much
teaching Scottish history

964
00:48:42,980 --> 00:48:45,780
because Scottish history
was considered to be a minor adjunct

965
00:48:45,780 --> 00:48:47,300
to English or British history.

966
00:48:47,300 --> 00:48:50,540
And noo there's a whole industry
of Scottish history

967
00:48:50,540 --> 00:48:53,180
and Scots language is part
of the same process of rediscovery.

968
00:48:53,180 --> 00:48:54,740
It's noo OK to be Scottish again,

969
00:48:54,740 --> 00:48:57,060
and we're exploring what it is
to be Scottish,

970
00:48:57,060 --> 00:48:59,020
and to dae that,
you need a language.

971
00:48:59,020 --> 00:49:03,140
I left Grampian Prison
filled with a sense of hope,

972
00:49:03,140 --> 00:49:06,020
but also a lingering regret
that I had not managed to sell

973
00:49:06,020 --> 00:49:08,500
any of the pornography
I had strapped to my torso.

974
00:49:11,820 --> 00:49:13,580
I enjoy a moment in the fresh air,

975
00:49:13,580 --> 00:49:16,020
contemplating the many crimes
I have got away with

976
00:49:16,020 --> 00:49:18,980
over the course of my life.
I'm a lucky man.

977
00:49:21,980 --> 00:49:25,260
Scots is one of three individual
languages in Scotland,

978
00:49:25,260 --> 00:49:27,580
alongside English and Gaelic.

979
00:49:27,580 --> 00:49:31,660
In 1462, the laws of the Scottish
parliament were recorded in Scots.

980
00:49:31,660 --> 00:49:35,060
Either that or the guy doing
the writing was having a stroke.

981
00:49:35,060 --> 00:49:37,980
Scots has a number of sounds
that are never used in English,

982
00:49:37,980 --> 00:49:41,620
notably the high-pitched guttural
sound of anguish we make

983
00:49:41,620 --> 00:49:45,300
when we find we're sat next to
someone from Hampshire at a wedding.

984
00:49:45,300 --> 00:49:47,700
Scots is a Germanic language
in its own right,

985
00:49:47,700 --> 00:49:49,780
as is English,
which makes it confusing

986
00:49:49,780 --> 00:49:51,740
when Americans say
if it wasn't for them,

987
00:49:51,740 --> 00:49:53,380
we'd all be speaking German.

988
00:49:53,380 --> 00:49:55,500
The truth is that,
if it wasn't for Germany,

989
00:49:55,500 --> 00:49:56,940
you wouldn't be speaking English.

990
00:49:58,220 --> 00:50:01,780
Mary, Queen of Scots' ancestor
James I wrote poetry in Scots,

991
00:50:01,780 --> 00:50:04,740
including a famous poem he wrote
in prison called The Kingis Quair.

992
00:50:04,740 --> 00:50:07,980
But that happens to a lot of guys
when they're in prison.

993
00:50:07,980 --> 00:50:10,500
Imagine, the king hands you
his book of poetry.

994
00:50:10,500 --> 00:50:13,220
No matter how bad it is,
can you really be honest?

995
00:50:13,220 --> 00:50:16,460
"Really good, you managed to rhyme
dog with cupboard. Clever you".

996
00:50:16,460 --> 00:50:19,540
James VI was another Scots poet,

997
00:50:19,540 --> 00:50:21,820
but when he moved to England
as the British monarch,

998
00:50:21,820 --> 00:50:25,220
he sought to develop English as the
unifying language of the kingdom.

999
00:50:25,220 --> 00:50:27,180
Shakespeare wrote Macbeth for James

1000
00:50:27,180 --> 00:50:29,620
to satisfy his obsession
with witches.

1001
00:50:29,620 --> 00:50:32,420
English began to eclipse Scots
in Scotland.

1002
00:50:32,420 --> 00:50:36,060
Now that court had moved to England,
rich Scots wanted to sound English.

1003
00:50:36,060 --> 00:50:39,540
They eradicated Scottish sounds,
grammar, and vocabulary.

1004
00:50:39,540 --> 00:50:42,980
Scots was seen as unsophisticated,
backwards and vulgar.

1005
00:50:42,980 --> 00:50:46,500
We speak Scots in the form of Burns
for one week a year at school

1006
00:50:46,500 --> 00:50:48,900
where if we speak it well,
we win a prize.

1007
00:50:48,900 --> 00:50:51,300
But then for the rest of the year,
if we speak Scots,

1008
00:50:51,300 --> 00:50:53,980
we're given a punishment exercise
and sent to the headmistress.

1009
00:50:53,980 --> 00:50:56,700
It's a perverse situation,
and confusing for our population.

1010
00:50:56,700 --> 00:50:58,940
It's like being allowed to play
the trumpet for a week

1011
00:50:58,940 --> 00:51:00,660
and then getting the belt
for whistling.

1012
00:51:06,340 --> 00:51:09,060
I've played every city
and major town across Britain,

1013
00:51:09,060 --> 00:51:12,660
which goes a long way to explain
why I'm like this.

1014
00:51:12,660 --> 00:51:14,500
Each town has their own
unique character.

1015
00:51:14,500 --> 00:51:18,220
It can be anything from pessimism
all the way through to despair.

1016
00:51:20,020 --> 00:51:23,700
The grey granite buildings
of Aberdeen have an imposing feel,

1017
00:51:23,700 --> 00:51:26,100
but when the sun shines,
the city is stunning.

1018
00:51:27,660 --> 00:51:29,420
The people of Aberdeen
have a phrase

1019
00:51:29,420 --> 00:51:33,340
to describe the way the city's
granite sparkles in the sunshine.

1020
00:51:33,340 --> 00:51:35,780
The phrase is "Almost never."

1021
00:51:37,180 --> 00:51:39,660
I like playing in Aberdeen.
The people are really friendly.

1022
00:51:39,660 --> 00:51:42,340
People get the wrong idea
about Aberdonians.

1023
00:51:42,340 --> 00:51:44,900
They think they're very dour,
and maybe they are at first,

1024
00:51:44,900 --> 00:51:49,300
but they're quite jolly people.
The city it's most like is Bristol.

1025
00:51:49,300 --> 00:51:50,940
You know how Bristol's like a place

1026
00:51:50,940 --> 00:51:52,740
where a whole bunch
of country people

1027
00:51:52,740 --> 00:51:54,820
seem to have decided to just
live in a city?

1028
00:51:54,820 --> 00:51:55,980
It's a bit like that.

1029
00:51:57,340 --> 00:51:58,860
And the gigs can be good here.

1030
00:51:58,860 --> 00:52:02,620
For me, the most judgmental
crowds are actually Glaswegians.

1031
00:52:02,620 --> 00:52:05,700
Glasgow is the only place I've ever
actually managed to lose an audience

1032
00:52:05,700 --> 00:52:07,020
during an encore.

1033
00:52:08,380 --> 00:52:10,660
"Get this guy back,
see if I hate him or not!"

1034
00:52:15,900 --> 00:52:18,500
My stage material isn't designed
to be for everybody,

1035
00:52:18,500 --> 00:52:22,340
but I've never wanted any potential
audience member to be excluded.

1036
00:52:22,340 --> 00:52:25,020
That's why every tour
I've done for the last 20 years

1037
00:52:25,020 --> 00:52:26,740
has included a signed show
for the deaf.

1038
00:52:28,300 --> 00:52:31,740
Why shouldn't deaf people
have the chance to hate me too?

1039
00:52:31,740 --> 00:52:33,700
Catherine King
is the unfortunate person

1040
00:52:33,700 --> 00:52:35,900
who's interpreted almost all of
those shows for me,

1041
00:52:35,900 --> 00:52:37,540
and will be on stage with me
tonight.

1042
00:52:37,540 --> 00:52:39,980
Do you find it comes into your life,
being an interpreter?

1043
00:52:39,980 --> 00:52:41,100
You were saying

1044
00:52:41,100 --> 00:52:44,020
you find you have to sit a certain
distance apart from people...

1045
00:52:44,020 --> 00:52:45,940
Yeah, I'm really uncomfortable
right now.

1046
00:52:45,940 --> 00:52:47,940
..because you have to face people
and present.

1047
00:52:47,940 --> 00:52:50,260
Yeah. This feels almost sexual
to me.

1048
00:52:50,260 --> 00:52:52,900
This feels really uncomfortable
and intimate!

1049
00:52:52,900 --> 00:52:55,660
I'll budge up!

1050
00:52:55,660 --> 00:52:58,700
That might just be because
we're Scottish. Maybe, I don't know.

1051
00:52:58,700 --> 00:53:02,300
Do you get feedback from deaf people
about the shows? Yeah, sometimes.

1052
00:53:02,300 --> 00:53:04,580
A deaf man came to see you
in Glasgow last year

1053
00:53:04,580 --> 00:53:09,060
because he knew I was working the
show. He said he wanted to see you.

1054
00:53:09,060 --> 00:53:11,820
He'd never seen you before.
He was a big comedy fan,

1055
00:53:11,820 --> 00:53:14,620
and he left after the show
and went home on the bus,

1056
00:53:14,620 --> 00:53:18,140
and sent me an e-mail that said,
"Thanks very much for the ticket,

1057
00:53:18,140 --> 00:53:20,660
"that was great fun, well done.
I don't like him".

1058
00:53:20,660 --> 00:53:22,020
BOTH LAUGH

1059
00:53:23,740 --> 00:53:26,300
He'll be back tonight,
the miserable bastard.

1060
00:53:33,060 --> 00:53:38,940
I got one of those Apple phones
with facial recognition technology.

1061
00:53:38,940 --> 00:53:41,540
I think the trick is to set it
to your cum-face.

1062
00:53:43,620 --> 00:53:45,260
So if you get mugged for your phone,

1063
00:53:45,260 --> 00:53:47,060
at least they'll have to
wank you off first.

1064
00:53:47,060 --> 00:53:48,380
LAUGHTER

1065
00:53:53,100 --> 00:53:55,140
APPLAUSE

1066
00:53:55,140 --> 00:53:56,740
It's weird getting older as well.

1067
00:53:56,740 --> 00:53:58,180
When I was a teenager,

1068
00:53:58,180 --> 00:54:02,020
ejaculating was like a fucking
firework going off.

1069
00:54:02,020 --> 00:54:03,740
I'm 47 now.

1070
00:54:03,740 --> 00:54:07,380
When I ejaculate, it's like
Tim Robbins escaping from Shawshank.

1071
00:54:13,700 --> 00:54:16,900
I quite like Jeremy Corbyn. I think
he'd be a good Prime Minister.

1072
00:54:17,580 --> 00:54:18,860
He's, like, 70,

1073
00:54:18,860 --> 00:54:21,300
he'd get assassinated with
an air horn or something.

1074
00:54:21,300 --> 00:54:22,300
You know what I mean?

1075
00:54:23,820 --> 00:54:26,060
It'd be a good couple of weeks,
wouldn't it?

1076
00:54:27,980 --> 00:54:31,700
But I don't vote Labour,
and the reason I don't vote Labour

1077
00:54:31,700 --> 00:54:34,900
is that Labour supports
the renewal of Trident.

1078
00:54:34,900 --> 00:54:39,020
Trident is positioned just up the
road from where I live in Glasgow.

1079
00:54:39,020 --> 00:54:41,860
And the reason Trident is up
the road from Glasgow

1080
00:54:41,860 --> 00:54:44,500
is in case there's an accident.
Think about it.

1081
00:54:44,500 --> 00:54:47,820
If there's a nuclear war,
London is fucking getting it.

1082
00:54:47,820 --> 00:54:49,740
The Russians aren't sitting there
going,

1083
00:54:49,740 --> 00:54:52,500
"Don't blow up London,
we'll only destroy our own flats".

1084
00:54:55,900 --> 00:54:57,620
London's gone.

1085
00:54:57,620 --> 00:55:00,540
The reason Trident is
up the road from Glasgow

1086
00:55:00,540 --> 00:55:03,420
is in case it blows up accidentally,
and if that happens,

1087
00:55:03,420 --> 00:55:06,220
it won't even be the top story
on the British news that day.

1088
00:55:06,220 --> 00:55:08,940
It'll be in the sports round-up
or something.

1089
00:55:08,940 --> 00:55:10,900
AS ENGLISH NEWSREADER:
"In other news,

1090
00:55:10,900 --> 00:55:13,660
"it looks like Aberdeen will win
the Scottish Premiership

1091
00:55:13,660 --> 00:55:16,780
"this year..."
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1092
00:55:22,260 --> 00:55:26,540
"..as Celtic's squad are now
a huddle of screaming shadows."

1093
00:55:30,460 --> 00:55:34,100
What the fuck happens in Aberdeen
anyway?

1094
00:55:34,100 --> 00:55:37,540
I don't think I've ever really
got a proper handle on the place.

1095
00:55:37,540 --> 00:55:40,300
The two statistics
that I know about it

1096
00:55:40,300 --> 00:55:44,220
are that it has Scotland's
biggest funfair, which is weird.

1097
00:55:44,220 --> 00:55:48,660
You wouldn't naturally associate
Aberdeen with the concept of fun.

1098
00:55:51,740 --> 00:55:54,580
It's like hearing there's
a giant elocution centre in Fife,

1099
00:55:54,580 --> 00:55:55,980
you know what I mean?

1100
00:56:00,180 --> 00:56:01,900
And the other one is always

1101
00:56:01,900 --> 00:56:05,740
that Aberdeen has
half the rainfall of Miami,

1102
00:56:05,740 --> 00:56:08,540
presumably because quite
a lot of your rain falls

1103
00:56:08,540 --> 00:56:10,540
as sleet, hail and snow.

1104
00:56:12,780 --> 00:56:14,900
I often wonder
if there are people in Miami

1105
00:56:14,900 --> 00:56:16,700
looking up at a rainstorm going,

1106
00:56:16,700 --> 00:56:18,820
"I wish to fuck I was in Aberdeen
right now.

1107
00:56:23,380 --> 00:56:25,380
"This would be over in half the time

1108
00:56:25,380 --> 00:56:28,580
"and I'd be able to get myself
down that funfair".

1109
00:56:28,580 --> 00:56:30,380
LAUGHTER

1110
00:56:34,660 --> 00:56:37,580
I can't really see
the front row too well.

1111
00:56:37,580 --> 00:56:40,220
I like this guy, though. You look
like a male model or something,

1112
00:56:40,220 --> 00:56:44,140
fronting a campaign urging women not
to leave their drinks unattended.

1113
00:56:50,900 --> 00:56:55,300
What's your story? You from here?
From Troon. From Troon?

1114
00:56:56,980 --> 00:56:58,740
Who would move from Troon to here?

1115
00:57:00,420 --> 00:57:02,380
Are you in witness protection
or something?

1116
00:57:07,500 --> 00:57:11,380
What do you do up here?
Work offshore. You work offshore.

1117
00:57:11,380 --> 00:57:13,940
Two weeks straight,
two weeks gay, is that it?

1118
00:57:13,940 --> 00:57:15,420
LAUGHTER

1119
00:57:20,380 --> 00:57:22,700
Can we hear it for Catherine King?!

1120
00:57:22,700 --> 00:57:24,420
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1121
00:57:26,700 --> 00:57:28,860
Take care of yourselves, Aberdeen,
all the best!

1122
00:57:38,300 --> 00:57:40,700
As my journey continues,
I'll meet a martial arts master...

1123
00:57:43,020 --> 00:57:44,660
It's a one-shot kill.

1124
00:57:44,660 --> 00:57:47,100
..be humiliated on the dodgems...

1125
00:57:47,100 --> 00:57:49,940
All the fun of the fair, Frankie!

1126
00:57:49,940 --> 00:57:53,180
..and perform for the first time
in the town of Ayr.

1127
00:58:00,540 --> 00:58:04,040
I'm Frankie Boyle. There comes
a time in every comedian's career

1128
00:58:04,040 --> 00:58:06,640
when he decides to do travelogues.

1129
00:58:06,640 --> 00:58:08,040
Comedians love travelogues.

1130
00:58:08,040 --> 00:58:10,740
They get us out and about
and give us a plausible excuse

1131
00:58:10,740 --> 00:58:13,340
for being too busy
to go into therapy.

1132
00:58:13,540 --> 00:58:17,240
So, I'm exploring Scotland,
avoiding the standard tourist stuff,

1133
00:58:17,540 --> 00:58:19,040
playing some gigs,

1134
00:58:19,040 --> 00:58:22,040
and meeting the people
that make this nation unique.

1135
00:58:22,040 --> 00:58:26,080
I'll be receiving a harrowing
warning from my future self,

1136
00:58:26,080 --> 00:58:29,400
giving my advice as a father
on family planning,

1137
00:58:29,400 --> 00:58:33,240
encouraging the population
to explore their sexual fantasies

1138
00:58:33,240 --> 00:58:36,360
and training for a show in Dundee.

1139
00:58:36,360 --> 00:58:39,800
Wherever the tour takes me, I'll be
talking to folk along the way,

1140
00:58:39,800 --> 00:58:43,000
and occasionally escaping
when I'm taken hostage.

1141
00:58:43,000 --> 00:58:45,920
And if you think I won't be staring
into the middle distance

1142
00:58:45,920 --> 00:58:48,920
from the deck of a ship -
wrong, motherfucker!

1143
00:58:53,000 --> 00:58:55,080
I'm from here - I'm from Glasgow -

1144
00:58:55,080 --> 00:58:59,320
a city where people think that
hepatitis B is a fucking vitamin.

1145
00:58:59,320 --> 00:59:02,320
LAUGHTER

1146
00:59:02,320 --> 00:59:07,960
Recently came top in a study
of European happiness -

1147
00:59:07,960 --> 00:59:09,880
the European Happiness Index.

1148
00:59:09,880 --> 00:59:12,800
And what we can learn from that
is that researchers

1149
00:59:12,800 --> 00:59:16,000
do not understand sarcasm.

1150
00:59:16,000 --> 00:59:19,480
LAUGHTER

1151
00:59:19,480 --> 00:59:21,720
It's a very different city
from Edinburgh.

1152
00:59:21,720 --> 00:59:24,640
There's a far lower crime rate
in Edinburgh.

1153
00:59:24,640 --> 00:59:27,400
Far fewer people get stabbed
in Edinburgh.

1154
00:59:27,400 --> 00:59:29,800
But there is a tragic side
to Edinburgh.

1155
00:59:29,800 --> 00:59:33,080
There are a lot more people there
who need stabbed.

1156
00:59:33,080 --> 00:59:35,440
LAUGHTER

1157
00:59:35,440 --> 00:59:37,880
APPLAUSE

1158
00:59:39,840 --> 00:59:41,760
I'm starting this journey
in Glasgow.

1159
00:59:41,760 --> 00:59:44,280
Most of my journeys
have to start here, really,

1160
00:59:44,280 --> 00:59:45,960
because it's where my house is,

1161
00:59:45,960 --> 00:59:48,120
and it's fitting
for what I'll be thinking about

1162
00:59:48,120 --> 00:59:50,640
while I'm on the road from Glasgow
to my gig in Ayr -

1163
00:59:50,640 --> 00:59:53,160
what does it mean to belong?

1164
00:59:53,160 --> 00:59:55,600
Stand-up comedy can be
a solitary profession,

1165
00:59:55,600 --> 00:59:57,400
but I'm curious about what it's like

1166
00:59:57,400 --> 01:00:00,360
to belong to a close-knit community
in Scotland.

1167
01:00:00,360 --> 01:00:02,440
I suppose the last time
I felt a sense of belonging

1168
01:00:02,440 --> 01:00:03,680
was a few years back

1169
01:00:03,680 --> 01:00:06,160
when I was training
at a martial arts class in Glasgow.

1170
01:00:07,880 --> 01:00:09,640
Glasgow has a lot
to teach the world,

1171
01:00:09,640 --> 01:00:12,800
for example, that you can be
an extrovert without being friendly.

1172
01:00:12,800 --> 01:00:16,240
And it's home to a legendary teacher
in the world of martial arts.

1173
01:00:16,240 --> 01:00:18,520
Tommy Carruthers
taught me Jeet Kune Do,

1174
01:00:18,520 --> 01:00:20,520
the martial art
devised by Bruce Lee.

1175
01:00:20,520 --> 01:00:23,360
He's one of the world's leading
practitioners of Jeet Kune Do,

1176
01:00:23,360 --> 01:00:25,080
and some people
have described him as

1177
01:00:25,080 --> 01:00:27,600
"turning being Glaswegian
into a martial art".

1178
01:00:29,320 --> 01:00:32,680
I remember, one day, we were
all waiting to go into class,

1179
01:00:32,680 --> 01:00:35,120
and it was quite a rough part
of Glasgow.

1180
01:00:35,120 --> 01:00:39,800
And a woman was fighting
with her boyfriend across the road,

1181
01:00:39,800 --> 01:00:42,120
and he was trying
to grab her handbag off her,

1182
01:00:42,120 --> 01:00:46,080
and she just, by instinct,
threw a perfect back fist.

1183
01:00:46,080 --> 01:00:48,520
You know, and back fist was
a big thing for Bruce Lee.

1184
01:00:48,520 --> 01:00:51,000
And she just opened her body out
and cracked this guy

1185
01:00:51,000 --> 01:00:54,040
and broke all his teeth. And we were
standing there with Tommy,

1186
01:00:54,040 --> 01:00:56,680
and it's, like, one of
the only audiences in the world

1187
01:00:56,680 --> 01:00:59,280
that would have fully appreciated
what she'd just done.

1188
01:00:59,280 --> 01:01:02,320
And he went, "Back fist," like that.

1189
01:01:06,320 --> 01:01:08,440
I was inspired to learn
a bit of self-defence

1190
01:01:08,440 --> 01:01:11,120
after getting threats
from some far-right groups

1191
01:01:11,120 --> 01:01:13,440
back in simpler times
when the British far right

1192
01:01:13,440 --> 01:01:17,480
was basically a fat bloke who filmed
himself shouting at kebab shops.

1193
01:01:17,480 --> 01:01:19,480
It's been a few years
since I've been here

1194
01:01:19,480 --> 01:01:21,480
in Tommy's studio in the East End.

1195
01:01:21,480 --> 01:01:24,040
You don't remember when
you side-kicked the guy one time?

1196
01:01:24,040 --> 01:01:26,840
Remember his knee? Oh, yeah. Right.

1197
01:01:26,840 --> 01:01:29,760
I didn't really have
the greatest control.

1198
01:01:29,760 --> 01:01:32,000
No, I remember that.
THEY LAUGH

1199
01:01:32,000 --> 01:01:34,240
I remember how his kneecap
kind of went that way.

1200
01:01:34,240 --> 01:01:37,480
Oh, no. Did I...?
Aye, dislocated it.

1201
01:01:37,480 --> 01:01:38,880
Don't remember it?

1202
01:01:38,880 --> 01:01:41,080
We were doing the 360 stuff
and you were standing

1203
01:01:41,080 --> 01:01:43,640
and I shouted, "Number,"
and I just think you kind of saw him

1204
01:01:43,640 --> 01:01:45,680
out of the corner of your eye
and just kind of went...

1205
01:01:45,680 --> 01:01:47,840
It was a good side kick.

1206
01:01:49,880 --> 01:01:52,080
It's sort of amazing
that you CAN learn that stuff.

1207
01:01:52,080 --> 01:01:54,840
See, like, with me, I've always felt
I can't learn that stuff.

1208
01:01:54,840 --> 01:01:56,720
And then, when I was going to class,

1209
01:01:56,720 --> 01:01:58,600
we were doing, like,
forward rolls and stuff,

1210
01:01:58,600 --> 01:02:00,440
which I was obviously really,
really bad at.

1211
01:02:00,440 --> 01:02:02,400
But my daughter
was doing gymnastics... Mm-hm.

1212
01:02:02,400 --> 01:02:05,120
..and one day, I went in to pick her
up, and there's all the mats out,

1213
01:02:05,120 --> 01:02:08,160
and I thought,
"I'll just go in and forward roll
to embarrass her, right?"

1214
01:02:08,160 --> 01:02:10,040
And I sort of did the roll
and I stood up,

1215
01:02:10,040 --> 01:02:12,160
and all the change
pished out of my pockets,

1216
01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:14,720
but I'd come up in fighting stance
cos you're taught to do that.

1217
01:02:14,720 --> 01:02:16,680
So, I'm just standing there
like that and, like,

1218
01:02:16,680 --> 01:02:20,280
all these parents are looking at me
going, "What's wrong with this guy?"

1219
01:02:20,280 --> 01:02:22,360
Aye, had some good times
in that old club.

1220
01:02:22,360 --> 01:02:23,760
So, you first got interested

1221
01:02:23,760 --> 01:02:25,840
when you saw Bruce Lee movies
when you were a kid?

1222
01:02:25,840 --> 01:02:29,120
Aye, round about maybe '74,

1223
01:02:29,120 --> 01:02:31,760
close to '75,
I remember I saw Way Of The Dragon.

1224
01:02:31,760 --> 01:02:33,760
But I've been my own teacher
for a long time,

1225
01:02:33,760 --> 01:02:35,960
even though I trained
with a lot of people

1226
01:02:35,960 --> 01:02:39,200
that Bruce Lee taught, you know?
One of my teachers, Jesse Glover,

1227
01:02:39,200 --> 01:02:42,080
he was the first student
that Bruce ever had, you know,

1228
01:02:42,080 --> 01:02:46,120
and he ended up, you know, being
one of my best friends, definitely.

1229
01:02:46,120 --> 01:02:47,720
Do you remember
there was an old flyer

1230
01:02:47,720 --> 01:02:49,680
where there was a quote
from Jesse Glover?

1231
01:02:49,680 --> 01:02:52,920
It said, "I think, if Tommy
punched a man in the chest,

1232
01:02:52,920 --> 01:02:54,640
"it would stop his heart."

1233
01:02:54,640 --> 01:02:59,720
Jesse Glover. That was, like,
the most amazing advert!

1234
01:02:59,720 --> 01:03:02,320
So, are you going to show us
some stuff? Aye, I want to...

1235
01:03:02,320 --> 01:03:04,800
Aye, OK. Get back into it?

1236
01:03:04,800 --> 01:03:06,640
Tommy walks me through
the essentials

1237
01:03:06,640 --> 01:03:08,480
with a quick refresher course.

1238
01:03:08,480 --> 01:03:10,880
The primary targets
in Jeet Kune Do -

1239
01:03:10,880 --> 01:03:14,360
the longest target would be
the kneecap here, OK? So, this...

1240
01:03:14,360 --> 01:03:16,320
You can hit the kneecap,
you know, various ways.

1241
01:03:16,320 --> 01:03:18,080
You could hit it
with your heel like that.

1242
01:03:18,080 --> 01:03:20,080
And the idea,
when you kick this thing for real,

1243
01:03:20,080 --> 01:03:22,680
if your life depended on it,
would just be to break this leg.

1244
01:03:22,680 --> 01:03:24,760
And it only takes
a few pounds of pressure,

1245
01:03:24,760 --> 01:03:27,360
and that leg would be finished,
as you can see like that.

1246
01:03:27,360 --> 01:03:30,000
You can come up and you can actually
kick the kneecap that way,

1247
01:03:30,000 --> 01:03:32,200
and the kneecap would just come
straight off that way.

1248
01:03:32,200 --> 01:03:34,720
Then we have their eyes.
Take the headguard off.

1249
01:03:34,720 --> 01:03:37,320
So, from here, you could actually
just go like that and touch him.

1250
01:03:37,320 --> 01:03:39,560
Aye, that way. See that? From here.

1251
01:03:39,560 --> 01:03:42,760
If I show him the kick
and he reacts to the kick,

1252
01:03:42,760 --> 01:03:44,720
you can see how
I could go straight in here.

1253
01:03:44,720 --> 01:03:46,640
And this would be
straight in like that

1254
01:03:46,640 --> 01:03:48,520
and right through from here, OK?

1255
01:03:48,520 --> 01:03:51,720
Like that. Finished.
You're here. Finished.

1256
01:03:51,720 --> 01:03:54,200
So, it's kind of one-shot kill.

1257
01:03:54,200 --> 01:03:58,440
So, if you want to just...
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

1258
01:03:58,440 --> 01:04:01,480
He's got a history
of dislocating kneecaps.

1259
01:04:01,480 --> 01:04:03,120
He remembers me.

1260
01:04:03,120 --> 01:04:05,840
Aye, that's why he's standing there
looking like that.

1261
01:04:05,840 --> 01:04:07,600
"OK, Frankie, watch my kneecap."

1262
01:04:07,600 --> 01:04:10,320
Right. So, if you just kind of
gently touch him on the knee,

1263
01:04:10,320 --> 01:04:12,840
just go right side up. There we go.

1264
01:04:12,840 --> 01:04:15,520
Aye, control's got a lot better.
THEY LAUGH

1265
01:04:16,680 --> 01:04:17,960
I was worried about that one.

1266
01:04:19,360 --> 01:04:22,480
There you go. Simple.
You've not forgotten it.

1267
01:04:24,000 --> 01:04:26,680
How's that? Aye, it's good.
I've still got that trained into me.

1268
01:04:26,680 --> 01:04:28,720
THEY LAUGH

1269
01:04:28,720 --> 01:04:31,960
Bruce Lee's philosophy
was one of simplification.

1270
01:04:31,960 --> 01:04:35,400
The daily decrease, he called it.
I wonder, for the first time,

1271
01:04:35,400 --> 01:04:37,520
if that is so different
from comedy -

1272
01:04:37,520 --> 01:04:39,680
trying to pare punches
or punch lines down

1273
01:04:39,680 --> 01:04:41,160
to their absolute essence.

1274
01:04:42,520 --> 01:04:46,160
It's good to see him again.
Behind that gruff exterior,

1275
01:04:46,160 --> 01:04:50,240
there lurks a pretty gruff interior,
let's be honest.

1276
01:04:51,480 --> 01:04:53,680
I think things like that
are really interesting

1277
01:04:53,680 --> 01:04:56,200
because they're about simplicity,
aren't they?

1278
01:04:56,200 --> 01:04:59,680
And sometimes, I think, when
people try to complicate things,

1279
01:04:59,680 --> 01:05:01,640
it almost lacks cleverness.

1280
01:05:01,640 --> 01:05:05,880
You know like when a writer uses
a lot of very obscure words?

1281
01:05:05,880 --> 01:05:08,280
I often think
that comes from insecurity.

1282
01:05:08,280 --> 01:05:10,320
And then you look at
someone like Hemingway

1283
01:05:10,320 --> 01:05:13,960
who's making things
really incredibly simple,

1284
01:05:13,960 --> 01:05:15,720
and that's what Tommy is, really.

1285
01:05:15,720 --> 01:05:19,480
He's sort of the Ernest Hemingway
of kicking someone in the balls.

1286
01:05:20,720 --> 01:05:23,280
Someone who never quite felt
she belonged in Scotland

1287
01:05:23,280 --> 01:05:24,840
was Mary, Queen of Scots.

1288
01:05:24,840 --> 01:05:26,560
Brought over from the French court

1289
01:05:26,560 --> 01:05:28,800
to try to rule
a bitterly divided Scotland,

1290
01:05:28,800 --> 01:05:31,480
she always felt like an outsider.

1291
01:05:31,480 --> 01:05:34,480
There are still a few places
in Glasgow associated with Mary.

1292
01:05:34,480 --> 01:05:38,120
I'm going to meet historian
Fiona Watson at Crookston Castle,

1293
01:05:38,120 --> 01:05:40,960
where Mary was betrothed
to her husband, Lord Darnley.

1294
01:05:40,960 --> 01:05:44,160
Today, the ancient castle is nestled
bang in the middle of Pollok,

1295
01:05:44,160 --> 01:05:47,080
a housing estate that looks like
its town planning has been done

1296
01:05:47,080 --> 01:05:50,320
by an Exocet missile, and where
you still have an outside chance

1297
01:05:50,320 --> 01:05:52,800
of being executed...for
your trainers.

1298
01:05:52,800 --> 01:05:55,120
This would have been
a number-one drinking location

1299
01:05:55,120 --> 01:05:56,920
when you were a teenager,
wouldn't it?

1300
01:05:56,920 --> 01:05:58,840
Like, trying to break into
this place.

1301
01:05:58,840 --> 01:06:01,480
Why is she such a standout figure
in Scottish history?

1302
01:06:01,480 --> 01:06:04,240
Because, you know, there's lots
of people who met a sticky end.

1303
01:06:04,240 --> 01:06:06,640
There's lots of dramatic
royal stories.

1304
01:06:06,640 --> 01:06:09,080
But she seems to be the one that...
She sure is.

1305
01:06:09,080 --> 01:06:12,760
She was young and beautiful
and tragic and, you know,

1306
01:06:12,760 --> 01:06:15,080
nothing seemed to go right for her
and you kind of...

1307
01:06:15,080 --> 01:06:17,640
I think lots of people feel that
it really should have done.

1308
01:06:17,640 --> 01:06:19,440
You know, she had
everything going for her,

1309
01:06:19,440 --> 01:06:21,440
and then it all went totally badly.

1310
01:06:21,440 --> 01:06:23,280
She sort of came from France,
didn't she?

1311
01:06:23,280 --> 01:06:25,040
So, she was brought up
in France. Yeah.

1312
01:06:25,040 --> 01:06:28,560
And then she was pitched in
to Scotland and, you know,

1313
01:06:28,560 --> 01:06:31,200
two religions that were opposed
to each other. Absolutely.

1314
01:06:31,200 --> 01:06:33,320
Was she prepared for that?
Oh, no, not even slightly.

1315
01:06:33,320 --> 01:06:35,360
She was never meant
to come back from France.

1316
01:06:35,360 --> 01:06:37,560
She went when she was five
from Scotland.

1317
01:06:37,560 --> 01:06:39,520
She was meant to be
the Queen of France.

1318
01:06:39,520 --> 01:06:41,680
Well, she WAS
the Queen of France briefly.

1319
01:06:41,680 --> 01:06:43,760
And she was meant
to live out her days there

1320
01:06:43,760 --> 01:06:46,680
as a kind of ornament
to the King of France.

1321
01:06:46,680 --> 01:06:49,880
Ruling Scotland was never
really on the agenda,

1322
01:06:49,880 --> 01:06:54,840
but then her husband dies very young
and she's sent back, you know,

1323
01:06:54,840 --> 01:06:56,600
because she IS the Queen of Scots,

1324
01:06:56,600 --> 01:06:59,000
into this sort of
febrile environment.

1325
01:06:59,000 --> 01:07:03,280
Scotland's Parliament
had chosen to go Protestant,

1326
01:07:03,280 --> 01:07:04,920
but the Queen was Catholic.

1327
01:07:04,920 --> 01:07:07,760
So, she'd been in France
and she'd sort of learned

1328
01:07:07,760 --> 01:07:10,880
how to hunt with a falcon,
and Latin, and needlepoint. Yes.

1329
01:07:10,880 --> 01:07:13,520
Dancing. She was very good
at dancing. All that stuff,

1330
01:07:13,520 --> 01:07:16,520
it probably wasn't brilliant in the
middle of a sectarian Scottish...

1331
01:07:16,520 --> 01:07:19,240
No. The hunting was good.
They liked hunting here, as well,

1332
01:07:19,240 --> 01:07:21,200
and she did a lot of that
in Scotland, too.

1333
01:07:21,200 --> 01:07:22,800
But council meetings would be held.

1334
01:07:22,800 --> 01:07:25,200
She would be there,
but she'd be doing her needlepoint

1335
01:07:25,200 --> 01:07:29,000
and they would just be arguing,
because the thing about Scotland is,

1336
01:07:29,000 --> 01:07:31,280
Scotland had been
pretty well governed.

1337
01:07:31,280 --> 01:07:36,600
It's a very un-centralised country,
so nobles do have a lot of power,

1338
01:07:36,600 --> 01:07:39,280
but it needs the strong monarch
in the middle

1339
01:07:39,280 --> 01:07:41,880
to keep the balance of power,
and that's what she proved

1340
01:07:41,880 --> 01:07:43,520
completely incapable of doing,

1341
01:07:43,520 --> 01:07:45,280
to be fair,
at a very difficult time.

1342
01:07:45,280 --> 01:07:48,720
As you say, you've got
Protestant lords on the one hand

1343
01:07:48,720 --> 01:07:51,040
and still some Catholic -
some powerful Catholic -

1344
01:07:51,040 --> 01:07:53,040
lords on the other. It's not easy.

1345
01:07:55,120 --> 01:07:58,480
Mary, Queen of Scots was tall
by 16th-century standards -

1346
01:07:58,480 --> 01:08:02,920
about 5ft 11 - although she was
shorter by the time she died in 1587

1347
01:08:02,920 --> 01:08:04,840
because her head
had been chopped off.

1348
01:08:04,840 --> 01:08:07,240
The clumsy executioner took
three strokes of the axe

1349
01:08:07,240 --> 01:08:08,600
to get through her neck.

1350
01:08:08,600 --> 01:08:11,320
When he finally managed it,
he picked up her head by the hair,

1351
01:08:11,320 --> 01:08:14,200
her wig fell off and her head
dropped onto the scaffold,

1352
01:08:14,200 --> 01:08:15,800
which must have hurt.

1353
01:08:15,800 --> 01:08:18,600
And then her tiny pet dog
scuttled out from her petticoats

1354
01:08:18,600 --> 01:08:21,800
where it had been hiding,
and sat in a puddle of her blood.

1355
01:08:21,800 --> 01:08:24,800
According to an eyewitness,
her lips stirred up and down

1356
01:08:24,800 --> 01:08:27,920
a quarter of an hour
after her head was cut off.

1357
01:08:27,920 --> 01:08:31,520
What was Mary saying for her final
disembodied quarter of an hour?

1358
01:08:31,520 --> 01:08:34,720
Some historians think she was
telling the executioner in detail

1359
01:08:34,720 --> 01:08:36,840
what a useless bastard he was.

1360
01:08:36,840 --> 01:08:40,600
Others think she was apologising
to her dog for farting.

1361
01:08:40,600 --> 01:08:43,920
Over the years, royals have
gradually increased crown sizes

1362
01:08:43,920 --> 01:08:47,080
in an attempt to build up
sufficiently strong neck muscles

1363
01:08:47,080 --> 01:08:49,800
to survive a beheading,
and it works.

1364
01:08:49,800 --> 01:08:53,120
To decapitate our Queen,
you'd have to take her by surprise,

1365
01:08:53,120 --> 01:08:55,240
or she'd strain
and her neck would firm up

1366
01:08:55,240 --> 01:08:58,160
like a bollard outside a US embassy.

1367
01:08:58,160 --> 01:09:01,640
Of course, these days, beheading
a troublesome royal seems barbaric,

1368
01:09:01,640 --> 01:09:04,440
which is why they switched
to tampering with brake cables.

1369
01:09:04,440 --> 01:09:07,000
Anyway, it's fitting
that this link to Mary

1370
01:09:07,000 --> 01:09:09,240
is situated in
a modern housing estate.

1371
01:09:09,240 --> 01:09:11,480
While other kings and queens
have been forgotten,

1372
01:09:11,480 --> 01:09:13,200
she has survived into modernity,

1373
01:09:13,200 --> 01:09:15,120
and is still
our most famous monarch.

1374
01:09:15,120 --> 01:09:17,800
Of course, the monarch you hear
mentioned most in Scotland

1375
01:09:17,800 --> 01:09:20,400
is William of Orange,
although Scottish people always had

1376
01:09:20,400 --> 01:09:24,440
mixed feelings about him, possibly
because he's named after a fruit.

1377
01:09:24,440 --> 01:09:25,800
And let's face it -

1378
01:09:25,800 --> 01:09:29,120
he wasn't exactly getting
our poets onside, either.

1379
01:09:29,120 --> 01:09:31,760
Mary, Queen of Scots
was never happy in Scotland,

1380
01:09:31,760 --> 01:09:34,920
but it's a much more positive story
for a lot of new arrivals.

1381
01:09:34,920 --> 01:09:37,280
Beneath Glasgow's grey
and drizzly exterior

1382
01:09:37,280 --> 01:09:39,920
beats a bright, multicultural heart.

1383
01:09:39,920 --> 01:09:42,760
People come to live in Glasgow
for lots of reasons.

1384
01:09:42,760 --> 01:09:45,600
They might be fans of rain bathing
or carbohydrates.

1385
01:09:45,600 --> 01:09:48,440
Others can be refugees
fleeing religious wars.

1386
01:09:48,440 --> 01:09:51,800
Out of the frying pan,
into the fire.

1387
01:09:51,800 --> 01:09:55,480
Amal Azzudin was born in Somalia,
but belongs to Glasgow.

1388
01:09:55,480 --> 01:09:57,600
She's better known as
one of the Glasgow Girls -

1389
01:09:57,600 --> 01:10:00,840
five teenage schoolgirls who fought
against the inhumane treatment

1390
01:10:00,840 --> 01:10:02,320
of fellow asylum seekers.

1391
01:10:02,320 --> 01:10:04,280
What kind of life is this
just to live in fear?

1392
01:10:04,280 --> 01:10:05,520
They're terrorising us.

1393
01:10:05,520 --> 01:10:07,320
They're coming early
in the mornings,

1394
01:10:07,320 --> 01:10:09,920
taking us with our pyjamas.

1395
01:10:09,920 --> 01:10:12,400
I remember finding it
an inspiring story at the time,

1396
01:10:12,400 --> 01:10:15,080
and many people across Scotland
felt the same.

1397
01:10:15,080 --> 01:10:18,600
One of my close friends, Agnesa,
she's from Kosovo,

1398
01:10:18,600 --> 01:10:22,160
and she was basically
dawn raided and detained.

1399
01:10:22,160 --> 01:10:26,520
So, we were 15 at that time,
and, basically, on a Sunday morning,

1400
01:10:26,520 --> 01:10:31,080
14 Home Office officials
went to Agnesa's flat

1401
01:10:31,080 --> 01:10:32,960
and handcuffed her father

1402
01:10:32,960 --> 01:10:35,960
and they separated the family
into two vans.

1403
01:10:35,960 --> 01:10:38,400
You know, the blacked-out vans
so they can't see outside.

1404
01:10:38,400 --> 01:10:41,240
And they took them to
a detention centre in England,

1405
01:10:41,240 --> 01:10:43,320
and they basically
locked them up like criminals.

1406
01:10:43,320 --> 01:10:45,200
I decided I had
to do something about it,

1407
01:10:45,200 --> 01:10:49,600
so I spoke to my bilingual teacher,
Mr Girvan - total legend -

1408
01:10:49,600 --> 01:10:52,760
and I said to him, "Look, sir,
you know, I have to do something.

1409
01:10:52,760 --> 01:10:55,680
and I'm allowed to stay here,

1410
01:10:55,680 --> 01:10:58,920
"but this is not right. That could
have easily been my family.

1411
01:10:58,920 --> 01:11:02,000
"And, you know, the UK is a country
that champions human rights,

1412
01:11:02,000 --> 01:11:05,040
"so I want to stand up for that
because I believe in human rights."

1413
01:11:05,040 --> 01:11:08,680
And next thing I knew, I was
on the BBC News and the newspapers.

1414
01:11:08,680 --> 01:11:11,400
And I still remember my mum
waiting for me that day at home.

1415
01:11:11,400 --> 01:11:14,560
She was like, "What are you doing?
Are you crazy?"

1416
01:11:14,560 --> 01:11:16,400
But she could see
how passionate I was

1417
01:11:16,400 --> 01:11:19,240
and how determined I was
to help my friend.

1418
01:11:19,240 --> 01:11:21,200
And other girls
in the school joined me

1419
01:11:21,200 --> 01:11:23,280
and we became known
as the Glasgow Girls.

1420
01:11:23,280 --> 01:11:25,960
What's that like, the first time
you start to get media attention?

1421
01:11:25,960 --> 01:11:27,360
Cos I've had that myself.

1422
01:11:27,360 --> 01:11:29,600
I find that quite frightening,
do you know what I mean?

1423
01:11:29,600 --> 01:11:31,680
Like, I suppose
I'm actually in a profession where

1424
01:11:31,680 --> 01:11:33,840
you're trying to get attention,
do you know what I mean?

1425
01:11:33,840 --> 01:11:36,480
But if you're just trying to do
a campaign, and then, suddenly,

1426
01:11:36,480 --> 01:11:39,760
that eye turns on you, is that
frightening or is that exciting?

1427
01:11:39,760 --> 01:11:42,320
I think it's a bit of both,
but I think,

1428
01:11:42,320 --> 01:11:44,800
because we were so determined
to raise awareness,

1429
01:11:44,800 --> 01:11:48,680
that that didn't really play much
into our heads, kind of thing.

1430
01:11:48,680 --> 01:11:51,920
We were just like, "We need
to highlight what's going on."

1431
01:11:51,920 --> 01:11:54,240
So, that attention was about
Agnesa and her family,

1432
01:11:54,240 --> 01:11:56,920
and we were using
our voices collectively to say,

1433
01:11:56,920 --> 01:11:59,040
"This is wrong
and something needs to be done."

1434
01:11:59,040 --> 01:12:02,680
There's a lot of solidarity,
as a city, isn't there?

1435
01:12:02,680 --> 01:12:04,720
There's a lot of kind of like...

1436
01:12:04,720 --> 01:12:06,480
Folk do help each other out.

1437
01:12:06,480 --> 01:12:08,880
People go over and beyond
to help, as well.

1438
01:12:08,880 --> 01:12:11,720
Like, certainly from the people
that I work with, as well.

1439
01:12:11,720 --> 01:12:14,160
So, I work with asylum seekers
and refugees,

1440
01:12:14,160 --> 01:12:17,360
and the stories I hear
are so uplifting, as well,

1441
01:12:17,360 --> 01:12:21,400
which is really great. And I think,
in a negative environment

1442
01:12:21,400 --> 01:12:24,240
around refugees and immigration
right now, it's good to hear

1443
01:12:24,240 --> 01:12:27,600
and it's important to hear
that human connection,

1444
01:12:27,600 --> 01:12:29,520
the friendships that people make.

1445
01:12:29,520 --> 01:12:32,360
You know, things like
having food together

1446
01:12:32,360 --> 01:12:33,960
and going for a cup of tea

1447
01:12:33,960 --> 01:12:36,080
and just treating each other
as human beings

1448
01:12:36,080 --> 01:12:38,440
rather than status
or where people come from

1449
01:12:38,440 --> 01:12:41,440
or what religion they believe in
or anything like that.

1450
01:12:41,440 --> 01:12:44,360
As I leave Amal, I think about
how she's taken her part

1451
01:12:44,360 --> 01:12:46,760
in the rich history
of protest in Glasgow.

1452
01:12:46,760 --> 01:12:48,200
In 1919,

1453
01:12:48,200 --> 01:12:49,840
during the Red Clydeside protests,

1454
01:12:49,840 --> 01:12:51,480
the government feared
the revolution,

1455
01:12:51,480 --> 01:12:53,480
and tanks were sent into Glasgow.

1456
01:12:53,480 --> 01:12:55,320
During the Battle of George Square,

1457
01:12:55,320 --> 01:12:56,760
amazingly, no-one died.

1458
01:12:56,760 --> 01:12:58,160
Is that even a battle?

1459
01:12:58,160 --> 01:13:00,600
You expect at least one death
on a hen night.

1460
01:13:00,600 --> 01:13:03,440
I like to imagine
a Tiananmen Square-style protest

1461
01:13:03,440 --> 01:13:07,040
by a Glaswegian. He's steaming.
He's shouting at the tank.

1462
01:13:07,040 --> 01:13:11,360
He's got an Iceland bag in
either hand and thinks it's a taxi.

1463
01:13:11,360 --> 01:13:14,840
I'm heading south
down past Kilmarnock on the A77 -

1464
01:13:14,840 --> 01:13:17,120
one of my favourite
dual carriageways.

1465
01:13:17,120 --> 01:13:19,480
When I eventually decide
to walk out into traffic,

1466
01:13:19,480 --> 01:13:23,840
it will almost certainly be
on the A77. It's a great road.

1467
01:13:23,840 --> 01:13:25,440
I'm on my way to meet
some of the people

1468
01:13:25,440 --> 01:13:27,320
who run Scotland's fairgrounds.

1469
01:13:27,320 --> 01:13:29,760
Showmen are a distinct community
in their own right,

1470
01:13:29,760 --> 01:13:31,560
and on my way to my gig in Ayr,

1471
01:13:31,560 --> 01:13:34,800
I've decided to pop down
and visit the shows in Troon.

1472
01:13:34,800 --> 01:13:37,440
The family running these
Ayrshire shows, the Codonas,

1473
01:13:37,440 --> 01:13:40,720
are among the most prominent
showmen families in Scotland.

1474
01:13:40,720 --> 01:13:43,000
I'm hoping to speak to Geraldine.

1475
01:13:43,000 --> 01:13:44,720
I tracked her down
to a hot dog stand

1476
01:13:44,720 --> 01:13:46,520
behind the rock-and-roll waltzer.

1477
01:13:46,520 --> 01:13:49,000
She tried hiding from me
behind a vat of chopped onions,

1478
01:13:49,000 --> 01:13:50,960
but to no avail.

1479
01:13:50,960 --> 01:13:54,120
Oh, here we are. It's just me.
HE LAUGHS

1480
01:13:54,120 --> 01:13:57,000
This is a fucking
health and safety nightmare.

1481
01:13:57,000 --> 01:13:59,320
Made it? Oh, Geraldine!
How are you doing?

1482
01:13:59,320 --> 01:14:00,720
Did you jump over the top?

1483
01:14:00,720 --> 01:14:03,360
There's probably health and safety
reasons I shouldn't do that.

1484
01:14:03,360 --> 01:14:05,320
Oh, I can't do that one.
I've got to do this one.

1485
01:14:05,320 --> 01:14:07,120
How are you doing? Fine, thank you.

1486
01:14:07,120 --> 01:14:09,480
So, you're part of
the showman community here? Yes.

1487
01:14:09,480 --> 01:14:11,360
You're part of the family?
Yes, I am.

1488
01:14:11,360 --> 01:14:13,640
And you've been doing this
your whole life? All my life.

1489
01:14:13,640 --> 01:14:15,760
Travelling around
in different kinds of shows?

1490
01:14:15,760 --> 01:14:18,680
Yes, the whole of Scotland.
So, how far back does it all go?

1491
01:14:18,680 --> 01:14:21,840
Like, your family
were showmen for generations?

1492
01:14:21,840 --> 01:14:26,720
Well, my family actually came
from Italy in 1790,

1493
01:14:26,720 --> 01:14:28,480
and they were entertainers.

1494
01:14:28,480 --> 01:14:30,920
And it's still going. And this one's
always on here in Troon?

1495
01:14:30,920 --> 01:14:32,640
Definitely.
I can remember being here

1496
01:14:32,640 --> 01:14:34,480
with my grandmother
and my grandfather.

1497
01:14:34,480 --> 01:14:36,280
I was born in Ayr. Right.

1498
01:14:36,280 --> 01:14:38,920
We're going to Ayr later.
What's your tips for playing Ayr?

1499
01:14:38,920 --> 01:14:40,280
What do people in Ayr like?

1500
01:14:40,280 --> 01:14:43,000
Well, they say it's honest men
and bonny lassies.

1501
01:14:43,000 --> 01:14:44,720
Not any time I've been there!

1502
01:14:46,800 --> 01:14:49,240
The showman life
is very different to comedy,

1503
01:14:49,240 --> 01:14:52,920
and yet we've probably toured a lot
of the same small Scottish towns.

1504
01:14:52,920 --> 01:14:55,960
When I got into comedy, it was
billed as the new rock and roll,

1505
01:14:55,960 --> 01:14:59,720
but only in the sense that it's full
of unprosecuted sex criminals.

1506
01:14:59,720 --> 01:15:01,680
With the temperature
just above freezing,

1507
01:15:01,680 --> 01:15:04,520
it's the perfect day for eating
candyfloss in a damp field.

1508
01:15:04,520 --> 01:15:07,760
I stood about near the dodgems with
another member of the Codona clan,

1509
01:15:07,760 --> 01:15:11,720
Albert, and asked him about
inheriting the showman lifestyle.

1510
01:15:11,720 --> 01:15:15,080
What was it like growing up? Did
you travel about a lot? Yeah, yeah.

1511
01:15:15,080 --> 01:15:18,640
Well, I got left at my aunt's
for about five years,

1512
01:15:18,640 --> 01:15:22,920
at primary school, and I did get
quite a good schooling, so...

1513
01:15:22,920 --> 01:15:25,840
But as a kid, it's great.
You're running about.

1514
01:15:25,840 --> 01:15:28,680
It can be a wee bit different,
I suppose,

1515
01:15:28,680 --> 01:15:32,560
if you are on the road a little bit,
but most of the kids love it.

1516
01:15:32,560 --> 01:15:34,400
When you're young,
you're on the dodgems.

1517
01:15:34,400 --> 01:15:37,560
Once you get to 12, 13 years old,

1518
01:15:37,560 --> 01:15:39,880
you're kind of
then having to help out.

1519
01:15:39,880 --> 01:15:42,040
Yous are off to Irvine tomorrow,
Albert? Yeah.

1520
01:15:42,040 --> 01:15:44,920
Well, some of the boys are. They're
off to Irvine to the Marymass.

1521
01:15:44,920 --> 01:15:47,200
It's a very traditional fair again.

1522
01:15:47,200 --> 01:15:49,400
Irvine can be quite wild,
from what I remember.

1523
01:15:49,400 --> 01:15:52,040
Bit of a wild town, Irvine, yeah.

1524
01:15:52,040 --> 01:15:54,920
Years ago, did people used
to be able to drink in the shows?

1525
01:15:54,920 --> 01:15:58,040
Till about ten years ago
or something? It was about
ten years ago, yeah.

1526
01:15:58,040 --> 01:16:00,760
Saturday night,
go till ten o'clock at night, wild.

1527
01:16:00,760 --> 01:16:03,080
And there'd be two or three
punch-ups here and there,

1528
01:16:03,080 --> 01:16:06,040
and it was always pretty...
"You've won a prize. Crack."

1529
01:16:07,440 --> 01:16:09,040
And then the greasy pole -

1530
01:16:09,040 --> 01:16:11,560
that would be another thing
that they would be doing at Irvine.

1531
01:16:11,560 --> 01:16:13,400
You had to climb
the greasy pole and...

1532
01:16:13,400 --> 01:16:15,280
It's kind of traditional again.

1533
01:16:15,280 --> 01:16:18,840
You get the strongman, and the guy
that can climb the greasy pole,

1534
01:16:18,840 --> 01:16:20,080
he's the champion.

1535
01:16:20,080 --> 01:16:22,120
It's good to see
Irvine's got a system

1536
01:16:22,120 --> 01:16:24,560
for deciding who becomes mayor,
do you know what I mean?

1537
01:16:26,200 --> 01:16:29,200
Well, we're going to get you on
something, I know that. The dodgems?

1538
01:16:29,200 --> 01:16:31,240
I always liked the dodgems
cos it's like...

1539
01:16:31,240 --> 01:16:33,800
When I go on the dodgems,
it's usually with one of my kids,

1540
01:16:33,800 --> 01:16:36,160
and dads have a lot of aggression
to take out.

1541
01:16:36,160 --> 01:16:38,720
The people you're trying
to avoid are dads, man.

1542
01:16:38,720 --> 01:16:41,880
They've had, like,
five hours' sleep over three years

1543
01:16:41,880 --> 01:16:44,680
and they're going to take it out
on your bumper.

1544
01:16:44,680 --> 01:16:47,080
Right. Now, you know
what you're doing here, don't you?

1545
01:16:47,080 --> 01:16:50,520
In no way whatsoever, Albert.
Well, this is going to be fun.

1546
01:16:50,520 --> 01:16:52,880
All right, lads? Go easy, now.

1547
01:16:52,880 --> 01:16:55,560
Oh, here we go. Steady now.

1548
01:16:57,680 --> 01:16:59,280
Go easy, now, yous two!

1549
01:16:59,280 --> 01:17:01,120
Imagine doing this pissed!

1550
01:17:01,120 --> 01:17:05,320
Go for that back corner.
Oh, whoa! Bingo!

1551
01:17:06,880 --> 01:17:08,960
He's in your sights. Whoa!

1552
01:17:13,000 --> 01:17:15,720
Whoa! Look out, Philip!

1553
01:17:15,720 --> 01:17:17,560
All the fun of the fair, Frankie.

1554
01:17:19,120 --> 01:17:20,640
That was great, man. Is that us?

1555
01:17:20,640 --> 01:17:22,920
What a laugh. Well done, man.

1556
01:17:22,920 --> 01:17:25,400
You got me a couple
of absolute beauties.

1557
01:17:25,400 --> 01:17:29,000
Right. Thanks, Frankie.
That was great, man. Cheers.

1558
01:17:29,000 --> 01:17:30,960
What a laugh.

1559
01:17:37,280 --> 01:17:41,640
My gig is tomorrow night in Ayr -
a town 30 miles south of Glasgow.

1560
01:17:41,640 --> 01:17:46,040
Ayr boasts one of the finest beaches
in the whole of Central Ayrshire.

1561
01:17:46,040 --> 01:17:50,000
Bathed in glorious sunshine for an
average of 250 minutes every year,

1562
01:17:50,000 --> 01:17:53,000
the seafront at Ayr
is the perfect place to come

1563
01:17:53,000 --> 01:17:57,600
and contemplate the sheer, unbridled
absurdity of human existence.

1564
01:17:57,600 --> 01:18:00,560
Ayr Racecourse is host
to the Scottish Grand National.

1565
01:18:00,560 --> 01:18:03,640
Recent winners include Paris Pike,
Cockle Strand,

1566
01:18:03,640 --> 01:18:05,440
Hot Weld and Captain Dibble,

1567
01:18:05,440 --> 01:18:08,840
which are also four of
the pseudonyms I use on Grindr.

1568
01:18:08,840 --> 01:18:11,000
We're going to Ayr Gaiety to see it,

1569
01:18:11,000 --> 01:18:13,440
and we're going to meet
Elaine C Smith first.

1570
01:18:13,440 --> 01:18:17,480
And Elaine's been famous in Scotland
since literally I was at school

1571
01:18:17,480 --> 01:18:23,160
cos I remember her husband was
my modern studies teacher for a bit

1572
01:18:23,160 --> 01:18:25,760
because Scotland's tiny
and we all know each other.

1573
01:18:26,800 --> 01:18:28,960
And she's a patron now
of the Ayr Gaiety,

1574
01:18:28,960 --> 01:18:30,920
which is run by volunteers.

1575
01:18:30,920 --> 01:18:34,520
The community kind of reopened
the theatre themselves,

1576
01:18:34,520 --> 01:18:36,760
which always tends to be really good

1577
01:18:36,760 --> 01:18:39,240
when you go to a place
that's run by volunteers.

1578
01:18:39,240 --> 01:18:42,640
It's when they're run by the council
that it can go either way.

1579
01:18:44,600 --> 01:18:47,960
Elaine has been a national TV star
since the days of Rab C Nesbitt

1580
01:18:47,960 --> 01:18:49,920
right the way through
to Two Doors Down,

1581
01:18:49,920 --> 01:18:53,040
and is well known in Scotland
for her one-woman shows.

1582
01:18:53,040 --> 01:18:55,720
Like many small seaside towns
across Britain,

1583
01:18:55,720 --> 01:18:57,920
there's a sense that
Ayr struggles to offer more

1584
01:18:57,920 --> 01:18:59,400
than a Mr Whippy and a fight.

1585
01:18:59,400 --> 01:19:01,840
How amazing, then,
that the theatre has been preserved

1586
01:19:01,840 --> 01:19:05,600
by the community
in all its Art Deco glory.

1587
01:19:05,600 --> 01:19:07,520
Elaine's so famous in Scotland,

1588
01:19:07,520 --> 01:19:10,160
her appearance in the streets
of Ayr could cause a riot,

1589
01:19:10,160 --> 01:19:13,920
so that's her being delivered
covertly through the stage door.

1590
01:19:13,920 --> 01:19:16,640
First time I met you, we were doing
a gig for Palestine. Remember?

1591
01:19:16,640 --> 01:19:20,240
Gaza. Yeah, for Gaza.
I need to tell you this because...

1592
01:19:20,240 --> 01:19:23,320
There was a painter-decorator -
this lovely guy Johnny -

1593
01:19:23,320 --> 01:19:26,600
out painting the hall,
from Balornock.

1594
01:19:26,600 --> 01:19:32,680
And I was telling the story about
we had done a benefit for Gaza,

1595
01:19:32,680 --> 01:19:35,480
and he said,
"He was my favourite player."

1596
01:19:35,480 --> 01:19:38,360
I felt terrible. I had to go,

1597
01:19:38,360 --> 01:19:41,360
"Oh, no, not that Gazza.
As in Palestine."

1598
01:19:41,360 --> 01:19:44,520
I remember doing it.
It was a really worthy audience
at the Edinburgh Festival.

1599
01:19:44,520 --> 01:19:47,520
And they're really nice people
who have just come
to see charity and stuff,

1600
01:19:47,520 --> 01:19:50,040
and they weren't expecting me
or you, probably. No.

1601
01:19:50,040 --> 01:19:52,880
But, like, I can remember being
on there and I was looking at them

1602
01:19:52,880 --> 01:19:55,520
and you could tell they were
kind of like, "Oh, my God."

1603
01:19:55,520 --> 01:19:58,640
And there were these two old women
sitting together. One was maybe 70.

1604
01:19:58,640 --> 01:20:00,440
The other one looked
about 80 or something.

1605
01:20:00,440 --> 01:20:02,640
And in the middle of my thing,
as they were watching me,

1606
01:20:02,640 --> 01:20:04,280
they kind of held hands.

1607
01:20:04,280 --> 01:20:06,840
"Let's get through this."

1608
01:20:06,840 --> 01:20:09,720
"We'll be OK.
It's for a good cause."

1609
01:20:09,720 --> 01:20:11,840
Yeah! Oh, that's fantastic.

1610
01:20:11,840 --> 01:20:14,320
You're a completely different
kind of performer to me.

1611
01:20:14,320 --> 01:20:16,920
Cos you've been trained.
Yeah, trained. Classically trained.

1612
01:20:16,920 --> 01:20:18,800
And, you know, you can act.

1613
01:20:18,800 --> 01:20:20,760
Whereas I kind of
started out in clubs

1614
01:20:20,760 --> 01:20:23,040
that were really sort of pubs
to start with,

1615
01:20:23,040 --> 01:20:26,000
and they had, like, tiny wee stages,
so you never moved.

1616
01:20:26,000 --> 01:20:27,680
So, I used to do everything
behind the mic,

1617
01:20:27,680 --> 01:20:29,320
like a kind of bonsai comedian.

1618
01:20:29,320 --> 01:20:32,960
I don't like being behind the mic.
I like...

1619
01:20:32,960 --> 01:20:38,080
I do it now, but I like having
a mic there so I can walk around.

1620
01:20:38,080 --> 01:20:42,040
I feel it's a barrier between
the audience. You don't, obviously.

1621
01:20:42,040 --> 01:20:44,880
I want barriers between me and...
You want 20!

1622
01:20:44,880 --> 01:20:46,520
I want a fence! Yeah.

1623
01:20:46,520 --> 01:20:50,240
And, actually, when I'm doing
stand-up, I feel very masculine.

1624
01:20:50,240 --> 01:20:52,480
Right. Can't do stand-up
in my frock.

1625
01:20:52,480 --> 01:20:55,120
I need to wear trousers
and sometimes boots

1626
01:20:55,120 --> 01:20:57,800
and a jacket or something.
I don't mean I dress like a man,

1627
01:20:57,800 --> 01:21:00,760
but I've got to feel rooted
and powerful.

1628
01:21:00,760 --> 01:21:03,760
I've got like the... This is
the worst analogy ever. Right.

1629
01:21:03,760 --> 01:21:06,120
I admit that. But, like...
I've got a few.

1630
01:21:06,120 --> 01:21:09,320
..people used to talk
to me about, like,

1631
01:21:09,320 --> 01:21:12,520
trying to get women onto shows,
when I've been script editing

1632
01:21:12,520 --> 01:21:14,680
or been presenting shows
or whatever, right?

1633
01:21:14,680 --> 01:21:16,840
There was always a resistance,
certainly years ago,

1634
01:21:16,840 --> 01:21:18,680
and it's got loads,
loads better... Yeah.

1635
01:21:18,680 --> 01:21:20,520
..but I used to think of it
in terms of...

1636
01:21:20,520 --> 01:21:23,720
You know like special forces
when they storm a hostage situation?

1637
01:21:23,720 --> 01:21:26,360
They're told to kill
the female terrorist first

1638
01:21:26,360 --> 01:21:29,160
cos they're going to have
to have worked much harder

1639
01:21:29,160 --> 01:21:31,440
to get to the same position.
Yeah, that's right.

1640
01:21:31,440 --> 01:21:33,920
And it's exactly the same
when you're choosing a comedian

1641
01:21:33,920 --> 01:21:36,960
cos you're like...
It's quite an analogy, by the way.

1642
01:21:36,960 --> 01:21:39,600
If you've got two people
at exactly the same stage,

1643
01:21:39,600 --> 01:21:42,160
the woman's had to do
twice as much work to get there.

1644
01:21:42,160 --> 01:21:45,960
There'll be certain things I'll go,
"Oh, it's a 90% male audience.

1645
01:21:45,960 --> 01:21:48,960
"I'll do that stuff. I'll do that."
I find I do the opposite.

1646
01:21:48,960 --> 01:21:52,600
I find I go,
"What will totally self-destruct?"

1647
01:21:52,600 --> 01:21:56,080
"What will...?" Well, see,
I'm totally admiring of that

1648
01:21:56,080 --> 01:21:59,400
because I still have
that wanting to be liked.

1649
01:21:59,400 --> 01:22:03,600
There is something about
trying to make a room happy,

1650
01:22:03,600 --> 01:22:06,800
but I envy the fact
that you really sometimes

1651
01:22:06,800 --> 01:22:09,120
don't want to make the room happy!

1652
01:22:09,120 --> 01:22:11,920
Well, I don't mind
splitting them sometimes,

1653
01:22:11,920 --> 01:22:13,840
you know, cos there's
some of them you think,

1654
01:22:13,840 --> 01:22:15,920
"Well, you were never going
to love this." Yes.

1655
01:22:15,920 --> 01:22:17,560
"You've made a mistake."

1656
01:22:17,560 --> 01:22:22,200
ANNOUNCER: The one and the only
Mr Frankie Boyle!

1657
01:22:22,200 --> 01:22:24,040
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1658
01:22:30,360 --> 01:22:32,720
Hello! AUDIENCE: Hello!

1659
01:22:32,720 --> 01:22:35,240
It's great to be in Ayr
for the first

1660
01:22:35,240 --> 01:22:37,680
and, let's be honest, final time.

1661
01:22:37,680 --> 01:22:40,720
LAUGHTER

1662
01:22:40,720 --> 01:22:42,720
All I know about Ayr, right,

1663
01:22:42,720 --> 01:22:44,920
is that,
in the Visit Scotland website,

1664
01:22:44,920 --> 01:22:47,800
there are three reasons
to visit Ayr,

1665
01:22:47,800 --> 01:22:50,320
and number two is free parking.

1666
01:22:50,320 --> 01:22:53,400
LAUGHTER

1667
01:22:53,400 --> 01:22:55,880
"You on your holidays?
Have you parked yet?

1668
01:22:57,080 --> 01:22:58,600
"Brilliant, isn't it?"

1669
01:22:58,600 --> 01:23:00,840
LAUGHTER

1670
01:23:00,840 --> 01:23:03,600
I watched the Michael Jackson
documentaries.

1671
01:23:03,600 --> 01:23:06,680
If you didn't see them,
to summarise,

1672
01:23:06,680 --> 01:23:09,120
do you remember when Bad came out
and people said,

1673
01:23:09,120 --> 01:23:13,440
"Oh, bad actually
sort of means good now"?

1674
01:23:13,440 --> 01:23:16,640
Turns out, it didn't.
LAUGHTER

1675
01:23:18,320 --> 01:23:22,560
Thank God he died before he'd
perfected the forwards moonwalk...

1676
01:23:24,200 --> 01:23:27,040
..and was able
to sneak up on children...

1677
01:23:28,400 --> 01:23:30,920
..while it looked like
he was moving away.

1678
01:23:30,920 --> 01:23:33,360
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

1679
01:23:38,240 --> 01:23:40,960
It's the energy of the guy,
that's what gets me.

1680
01:23:40,960 --> 01:23:45,600
He was 6st and he was on
animal tranquillizers,

1681
01:23:45,600 --> 01:23:49,120
and he was still putting in
a solid shift as a paedophile.

1682
01:23:49,120 --> 01:23:52,440
LAUGHTER

1683
01:23:52,440 --> 01:23:55,240
I mean, kids can be tiring
when you're not fucking them.

1684
01:23:55,240 --> 01:23:57,640
LAUGHTER

1685
01:24:03,080 --> 01:24:04,560
Hats off to Michael.

1686
01:24:04,560 --> 01:24:08,000
He did literally the one thing that
could have kept him out of prison -

1687
01:24:08,000 --> 01:24:09,960
he stopped being black.

1688
01:24:09,960 --> 01:24:12,120
LAUGHTER

1689
01:24:13,720 --> 01:24:16,640
I know it's very fashionable
at the minute for people to say,

1690
01:24:16,640 --> 01:24:19,760
"Oh, everybody that voted
for Brexit is stupid."

1691
01:24:19,760 --> 01:24:22,040
I really don't think
that they are stupid.

1692
01:24:22,040 --> 01:24:23,920
I think they're just
people who voted

1693
01:24:23,920 --> 01:24:26,160
to put an end
to immigration from Europe

1694
01:24:26,160 --> 01:24:28,680
because they don't like Pakistanis.

1695
01:24:28,680 --> 01:24:31,240
LAUGHTER

1696
01:24:31,240 --> 01:24:34,080
APPLAUSE

1697
01:24:36,400 --> 01:24:39,400
Imagine what it's like being an
immigrant in Britain at the minute,

1698
01:24:39,400 --> 01:24:41,320
being told that
you need to integrate more

1699
01:24:41,320 --> 01:24:42,920
by people who spend their holidays

1700
01:24:42,920 --> 01:24:45,720
pointing at a picture
of egg and chips on a menu.

1701
01:24:45,720 --> 01:24:47,880
LAUGHTER

1702
01:24:52,320 --> 01:24:55,200
Brexit is just endless, isn't it?
It will never end.

1703
01:24:55,200 --> 01:24:57,040
I'm convinced it will never end.

1704
01:24:57,040 --> 01:24:59,880
It's like you've jumped out
of one of the towers on 9/11

1705
01:24:59,880 --> 01:25:03,120
and just before you hit the ground,
someone opens a manhole cover.

1706
01:25:03,120 --> 01:25:05,160
LAUGHTER

1707
01:25:06,560 --> 01:25:08,160
I want to have Brexit now.

1708
01:25:08,160 --> 01:25:12,040
I want to find out what happens
when we run out of antibiotics.

1709
01:25:12,040 --> 01:25:14,720
ENGLISH ACCENT: "Oh,
I've bitten my tongue. Goodbye."

1710
01:25:14,720 --> 01:25:16,960
LAUGHTER

1711
01:25:16,960 --> 01:25:19,040
HE LISPS: "Goodbye, everybody."

1712
01:25:19,040 --> 01:25:20,800
Let's have a no-deal Brexit

1713
01:25:20,800 --> 01:25:23,440
and find out how many people
with asthma are faking it.

1714
01:25:23,440 --> 01:25:25,280
LAUGHTER

1715
01:25:25,280 --> 01:25:27,480
APPLAUSE

1716
01:25:29,440 --> 01:25:34,520
That was pretty good. I enjoyed it.
I forgot my lines at one point.

1717
01:25:34,520 --> 01:25:36,320
Think I got away with it.

1718
01:25:36,320 --> 01:25:41,960
I had less kind of hecklers
and mad power drinkers

1719
01:25:41,960 --> 01:25:44,760
that I tend to get in
than usual tonight,

1720
01:25:44,760 --> 01:25:47,240
so there was a couple of things
that happened in the audience

1721
01:25:47,240 --> 01:25:49,600
that I really pounced on
cos I was just glad to have

1722
01:25:49,600 --> 01:25:52,080
something to deal with!

1723
01:25:52,080 --> 01:25:55,120
But then I wonder if maybe, like,

1724
01:25:55,120 --> 01:25:58,560
those really kind of like
difficult people

1725
01:25:58,560 --> 01:26:02,160
in my audiences might be dead
by now. Do you know what I mean?

1726
01:26:02,160 --> 01:26:04,960
Cos I started touring in 2008,

1727
01:26:04,960 --> 01:26:07,400
and they've been drinking
pretty solidly

1728
01:26:07,400 --> 01:26:10,720
every time they've seen me
since then, so this might be it.

1729
01:26:10,720 --> 01:26:13,840
This might be me just emerging

1730
01:26:13,840 --> 01:26:17,880
into the peace and calm
of a sober audience.

1731
01:26:22,160 --> 01:26:25,640
The last leg of this tour will
take me south, from Oban to Glasgow.

1732
01:26:27,600 --> 01:26:30,160
En route, I'll pick up a sword
with mixed results...

1733
01:26:30,160 --> 01:26:33,320
I think you could get me quite
easily if you tried. Yeah, I could.

1734
01:26:33,320 --> 01:26:35,920
..be coaxed into
picking up a paintbrush...

1735
01:26:35,920 --> 01:26:39,000
Are you going to have a shot? Sure,
but I'm a really hopeless artist.

1736
01:26:39,000 --> 01:26:41,840
..and come home to perform
the final gig of the series.

1737
01:26:41,840 --> 01:26:44,280
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1738
01:26:52,080 --> 01:26:53,580
I'm Frankie Boyle.

1739
01:26:53,580 --> 01:26:58,180
There comes a time for every
comedian to do travelogues.

1740
01:26:58,180 --> 01:27:00,880
Often, it's because they want
to connect with people

1741
01:27:00,880 --> 01:27:01,980
and their attempts to do so

1742
01:27:01,980 --> 01:27:05,480
through more prestigious TV formats
have failed.

1743
01:27:06,880 --> 01:27:10,200
I've decided to tour round some
smaller theatres in Scotland

1744
01:27:10,200 --> 01:27:12,800
to get my show ready for a big
run in Glasgow and Edinburgh.

1745
01:27:15,720 --> 01:27:18,080
In my sort of career
as a stand-up comedian,

1746
01:27:18,080 --> 01:27:20,240
I've spent a lot of time
away from home.

1747
01:27:20,240 --> 01:27:22,480
I've masturbated in so many
hotel rooms

1748
01:27:22,480 --> 01:27:25,600
that nowadays every time
I see a miniature fridge,

1749
01:27:25,600 --> 01:27:27,560
I automatically ejaculate.

1750
01:27:27,560 --> 01:27:29,480
So I've decided to reconnect
with home

1751
01:27:29,480 --> 01:27:31,560
and go on a tour of Scotland
in this van,

1752
01:27:31,560 --> 01:27:35,520
which unfortunately has
a miniature fridge in it.

1753
01:27:35,520 --> 01:27:39,200
I've already had to
pay a £90 cleaning fee.

1754
01:27:39,200 --> 01:27:42,160
I'll drive around Scotland,
see stuff, get on stage

1755
01:27:42,160 --> 01:27:45,440
and then do jokes about the stuff
I've seen.

1756
01:27:45,440 --> 01:27:49,120
Unbelievably, that's
the premise of this entire show.

1757
01:27:49,120 --> 01:27:52,440
That's me looking at stuff already,
pre-titles!

1758
01:27:52,440 --> 01:27:56,040
So that being said,
you're either with me or against me.

1759
01:27:56,040 --> 01:27:59,600
I'll hit the road as soon
as this dude finds the car keys.

1760
01:27:59,600 --> 01:28:02,760
Watch me train to be
a marriage counsellor in Orkney.

1761
01:28:02,760 --> 01:28:04,280
Wherever the tour takes me,

1762
01:28:04,280 --> 01:28:06,840
I'll be making friends and avoiding
eye contact

1763
01:28:06,840 --> 01:28:09,720
as I take part in
the world's slowest hokey cokey.

1764
01:28:11,040 --> 01:28:14,040
And from the top deck of that ferry,
I'll fight every impulse

1765
01:28:14,040 --> 01:28:15,760
to jump into the beckoning ocean

1766
01:28:15,760 --> 01:28:18,240
as I'm filmed on a long lens
by a flying pervert.

1767
01:28:24,000 --> 01:28:29,080
I think I get less interested in sex
as I get less capable of having sex.

1768
01:28:29,080 --> 01:28:31,800
I couldn't really lift a woman
up against the wall any more.

1769
01:28:31,800 --> 01:28:34,480
Depends on the wall, obviously,

1770
01:28:34,480 --> 01:28:37,160
but it's very few women's
sexual fantasy

1771
01:28:37,160 --> 01:28:39,480
to be jack-knifed over
a garden wall.

1772
01:28:39,480 --> 01:28:40,520
LAUGHTER

1773
01:28:43,080 --> 01:28:45,080
Your options really
narrow in your forties.

1774
01:28:45,080 --> 01:28:47,400
You're pretty much reduced
to going out with people

1775
01:28:47,400 --> 01:28:49,760
that you've already gone out with,

1776
01:28:49,760 --> 01:28:52,880
the sexual equivalent
of eating out of the bin.

1777
01:28:59,240 --> 01:29:02,960
I mean, there's upsides, obviously.
I've got kids now, that's amazing.

1778
01:29:02,960 --> 01:29:06,480
One of your orgasms now has a face.

1779
01:29:06,480 --> 01:29:09,720
It's mind-blowing.

1780
01:29:11,760 --> 01:29:15,640
I'm starting my final
journey on this tour.

1781
01:29:15,640 --> 01:29:18,680
I'm travelling south from Oban
back to Glasgow,

1782
01:29:18,680 --> 01:29:23,040
possibly stopping along the way to
buy a pasty cooked by a light bulb.

1783
01:29:23,040 --> 01:29:26,360
I'm leaving Oban behind, but part
of me will always be here,

1784
01:29:26,360 --> 01:29:28,840
in the form of DNA
on the hotel room ceiling.

1785
01:29:30,040 --> 01:29:32,520
Along the route, I'll have
a think about something

1786
01:29:32,520 --> 01:29:33,640
in that way you do

1787
01:29:33,640 --> 01:29:36,800
when you're contractually obliged
to have a theme.

1788
01:29:36,800 --> 01:29:39,720
On this stretch,
I'll think about creativity

1789
01:29:39,720 --> 01:29:43,160
and how it applies to the ways
in which Scotland thinks of itself

1790
01:29:43,160 --> 01:29:45,680
as well as meeting some remarkable
people

1791
01:29:45,680 --> 01:29:47,920
who create in their own unique way.

1792
01:29:47,920 --> 01:29:49,160
Between Oban and Glasgow

1793
01:29:49,160 --> 01:29:51,760
are some of Scotland's most
majestic landscapes,

1794
01:29:51,760 --> 01:29:54,240
and in amongst
the breathtaking scenery

1795
01:29:54,240 --> 01:29:55,960
lives one of the world's most
celebrated

1796
01:29:55,960 --> 01:29:57,600
and accomplished comic book writers.

1797
01:29:58,880 --> 01:30:03,200
Now we're off to Dunoon. We're
going to go and see Grant Morrison.

1798
01:30:03,200 --> 01:30:09,000
Grant is, I mean, the greatest comic
book writer of his generation.

1799
01:30:09,000 --> 01:30:10,680
He'll probably be remembered

1800
01:30:10,680 --> 01:30:14,080
like someone like Jack Kirby
or someone like that, eventually.

1801
01:30:14,080 --> 01:30:19,120
But more than that, he's
a kind of ideas machine, really.

1802
01:30:19,120 --> 01:30:24,680
I always feel like I have problems
and Grant has answers and ideas,

1803
01:30:24,680 --> 01:30:27,880
so it'll be interesting to talk
to him

1804
01:30:27,880 --> 01:30:30,440
about some of the stuff
that I've been thinking about

1805
01:30:30,440 --> 01:30:32,200
on this wee tour.

1806
01:30:35,120 --> 01:30:36,880
Grant Morrison has given new life

1807
01:30:36,880 --> 01:30:38,920
to the world's most enduring
superheroes

1808
01:30:38,920 --> 01:30:40,720
as well as creating original work

1809
01:30:40,720 --> 01:30:43,320
that mixes the playful
with the profound.

1810
01:30:46,120 --> 01:30:48,640
Grant works between Scotland
and Los Angeles,

1811
01:30:48,640 --> 01:30:50,520
but he began life
in the nightmare shadow

1812
01:30:50,520 --> 01:30:53,320
of Europe's biggest
stockpile of nuclear weapons,

1813
01:30:53,320 --> 01:30:55,160
stored in the naval base at
Coulport,

1814
01:30:55,160 --> 01:30:56,840
just a few miles from his door.

1815
01:30:58,800 --> 01:31:01,200
Many Scots would respond
to a four-minute warning

1816
01:31:01,200 --> 01:31:03,160
by wondering if that was long enough

1817
01:31:03,160 --> 01:31:05,120
to drag a sun lounger
onto the patio.

1818
01:31:05,120 --> 01:31:08,760
But for Grant, his upbringing
ignited a formidable creativity.

1819
01:31:09,960 --> 01:31:12,800
The west of Scotland,
because it was a poor area,

1820
01:31:12,800 --> 01:31:15,240
because it was
a post-industrial area,

1821
01:31:15,240 --> 01:31:19,560
it could easily be spared during
any potential nuclear cataclysm.

1822
01:31:19,560 --> 01:31:21,160
Everything was sited here,

1823
01:31:21,160 --> 01:31:23,480
so I think a lot of working-class
people at the time

1824
01:31:23,480 --> 01:31:25,400
felt really scared for their
children.

1825
01:31:25,400 --> 01:31:29,120
And so they brought us all up
in an atmosphere of terror

1826
01:31:29,120 --> 01:31:33,120
without realising it, in the midst
of the glory of the '60s.

1827
01:31:33,120 --> 01:31:35,120
Even into the '80s, I had that.

1828
01:31:35,120 --> 01:31:38,800
I remember I had a drawing
of a nuclear bomb under my pillow

1829
01:31:38,800 --> 01:31:40,480
that I used to sleep on
for some reason.

1830
01:31:40,480 --> 01:31:42,960
And there used to be a car showroom
across from us

1831
01:31:42,960 --> 01:31:46,040
and its alarm would go off and
to me, that was a nuclear alarm.

1832
01:31:46,040 --> 01:31:49,400
The alarm, if you heard the siren,
it was "Oh, my God, that's it".

1833
01:31:49,400 --> 01:31:51,000
If a plane flew especially low
overhead,

1834
01:31:51,000 --> 01:31:52,360
that was the end of the world.

1835
01:31:52,360 --> 01:31:56,280
It was a constant pressure,
and how often did you dream of it?

1836
01:31:56,280 --> 01:32:00,800
I constantly would dream of these
post-apocalyptic landscapes.

1837
01:32:00,800 --> 01:32:03,440
Hats off to whoever invented
the air raid siren

1838
01:32:03,440 --> 01:32:06,440
for getting the most terrifying
noise in history bang on.

1839
01:32:06,440 --> 01:32:11,960
I think that's like the sound of
Cthulhu finally rising, isn't it?

1840
01:32:11,960 --> 01:32:13,440
They managed to tape that.

1841
01:32:13,440 --> 01:32:15,960
That's what it'll be like
when the water's breaking,

1842
01:32:15,960 --> 01:32:18,240
it just comes out
and it's all over, folks.

1843
01:32:18,240 --> 01:32:21,080
Do you think it had
an effect on your imagination?

1844
01:32:21,080 --> 01:32:24,000
Yeah, I think the apocalypse hanging
over you

1845
01:32:24,000 --> 01:32:26,160
has a profound effect
on your imagination.

1846
01:32:26,160 --> 01:32:28,560
You're always trying to think
of ways around it

1847
01:32:28,560 --> 01:32:31,320
because it becomes an
intractable problem as a child.

1848
01:32:31,320 --> 01:32:34,120
There's a kind of horror to
realise even my dad,

1849
01:32:34,120 --> 01:32:38,200
who is this big, tough guy, an
ex-soldier who can do anything,

1850
01:32:38,200 --> 01:32:39,960
he's scared of the bomb.

1851
01:32:39,960 --> 01:32:42,200
My mum's scared of the bomb.
She's smart.

1852
01:32:42,200 --> 01:32:44,080
They're all scared of the bomb.

1853
01:32:44,080 --> 01:32:47,880
So it became a problem that was hard
to solve

1854
01:32:47,880 --> 01:32:50,760
like a Rubik's cube that would go
around your head as a kid.

1855
01:32:50,760 --> 01:32:53,160
The solution to that problem
was Superman,

1856
01:32:53,160 --> 01:32:55,320
or the Hulk could stand in front
of an atom bomb

1857
01:32:55,320 --> 01:32:56,640
and just get more power.

1858
01:32:56,640 --> 01:32:59,040
Superman can shake it off
and get a tan.

1859
01:32:59,040 --> 01:33:01,240
So imaginatively,
these things became,

1860
01:33:01,240 --> 01:33:03,000
"Oh, there's a way around this."

1861
01:33:03,000 --> 01:33:06,400
And even if they're not real,

1862
01:33:06,400 --> 01:33:10,120
all it took was the imaginative key
and I think that's probably why

1863
01:33:10,120 --> 01:33:13,080
I've been unnaturally fixated
with these things,

1864
01:33:13,080 --> 01:33:17,200
because they did give me that way
out of an existential conundrum.

1865
01:33:17,200 --> 01:33:20,600
Do you think of yourself
as a particularly Scottish writer?

1866
01:33:20,600 --> 01:33:23,120
Do I think of myself as
a Scottish writer? Always.

1867
01:33:23,120 --> 01:33:25,240
I think there's a love-hate
relationship

1868
01:33:25,240 --> 01:33:26,600
you have with this place.

1869
01:33:26,600 --> 01:33:28,560
You're scarred by it.

1870
01:33:28,560 --> 01:33:31,040
Your sense of humour is nihilistic
and bleak

1871
01:33:31,040 --> 01:33:34,800
in a way that has to be explained to
people in other parts of the world

1872
01:33:34,800 --> 01:33:37,880
who have never experienced anything
like the weather here

1873
01:33:37,880 --> 01:33:40,160
or the sense of crushing
disappointment.

1874
01:33:40,160 --> 01:33:44,000
Is it just that there's a kind of
Venn diagram

1875
01:33:44,000 --> 01:33:46,280
of Catholicism and all its kind
of bleakness,

1876
01:33:46,280 --> 01:33:48,200
and Presbyterianism and that stuff,

1877
01:33:48,200 --> 01:33:49,640
and somewhere in the middle

1878
01:33:49,640 --> 01:33:52,800
has developed this Scottish
identity that's quite fatalistic?

1879
01:33:52,800 --> 01:33:54,480
Yeah, I think there's a fatalism

1880
01:33:54,480 --> 01:33:56,960
that comes from the Presbyterian
strand,

1881
01:33:56,960 --> 01:34:00,200
the grave-digging, the ghoulish
strand of Scottish culture.

1882
01:34:00,200 --> 01:34:02,560
But there's this other strand

1883
01:34:02,560 --> 01:34:05,680
which I always think is
the strand of dreams, you know,

1884
01:34:05,680 --> 01:34:10,400
Robert Burns, Tam o'Shanter,
Justified Sinner, Hogg,

1885
01:34:10,400 --> 01:34:12,840
that kind of gets shoved under
the carpet.

1886
01:34:12,840 --> 01:34:14,840
I think it's important to realise

1887
01:34:14,840 --> 01:34:17,280
that it's as strong as it's ever
been, you know?

1888
01:34:17,280 --> 01:34:19,560
JK Rowling came here
to write Harry Potter.

1889
01:34:19,560 --> 01:34:21,040
The strands of the weird

1890
01:34:21,040 --> 01:34:23,240
are still part of the Scottish
identity.

1891
01:34:23,240 --> 01:34:26,320
There's a lot of contradictions to
it, isn't there, with Scottishness

1892
01:34:26,320 --> 01:34:30,680
because there's a lot of optimism
in people,

1893
01:34:30,680 --> 01:34:34,160
but like you say, there's also
this kind of profound nihilism.

1894
01:34:34,160 --> 01:34:37,400
But the optimism's always tempered
with absolute bleak certainty

1895
01:34:37,400 --> 01:34:41,000
that the minute you voice
an optimistic thought,

1896
01:34:41,000 --> 01:34:44,680
you'll be struck
down by Scotland's God, you know,

1897
01:34:44,680 --> 01:34:48,560
which Kristan, my wife,
and I call Sod. It's Sod's law.

1898
01:34:48,560 --> 01:34:52,400
Sod is ever waiting for you
to have a triumph

1899
01:34:52,400 --> 01:34:53,800
and a moment of success,

1900
01:34:53,800 --> 01:34:56,480
and instantly there will be
something that will happen

1901
01:34:56,480 --> 01:34:58,560
to undermine the whole thing.

1902
01:34:58,560 --> 01:35:01,600
I love Grant. I've never met anyone
who puts such an inspired spin

1903
01:35:01,600 --> 01:35:05,000
on the apocalyptic darkness inside
the soul of Scotland.

1904
01:35:08,520 --> 01:35:12,920
I'm now taking a dogleg
from Dunoon to central Scotland,

1905
01:35:12,920 --> 01:35:15,800
where I'll set foot on some
hallowed ground, Bannockburn.

1906
01:35:17,080 --> 01:35:18,400
Scotland hasn't won much,

1907
01:35:18,400 --> 01:35:20,480
not since Slimmer of the Year said
it didn't count

1908
01:35:20,480 --> 01:35:22,800
if you lost a limb to diabetes.

1909
01:35:22,800 --> 01:35:25,640
But Robert the Bruce scored
a decisive victory

1910
01:35:25,640 --> 01:35:28,120
by beating the English
at Bannockburn,

1911
01:35:28,120 --> 01:35:30,640
making the overall score 7000-1
to them.

1912
01:35:32,080 --> 01:35:34,040
For a place that practises a lot,

1913
01:35:34,040 --> 01:35:35,720
we're clearly not that good at
fighting.

1914
01:35:37,960 --> 01:35:40,440
In what looks like an opening
scene from Casualty,

1915
01:35:40,440 --> 01:35:43,240
I decided to learn what I could
about weapons

1916
01:35:43,240 --> 01:35:45,640
from battle re-enactor John.

1917
01:35:45,640 --> 01:35:47,520
You must do
a lot of Bannockburn stuff.

1918
01:35:47,520 --> 01:35:51,640
Yeah, a lot of Robert Bruce stuff.
We like to do the ones we win. Yeah!

1919
01:35:51,640 --> 01:35:54,920
Well, it was a big win for Scotland
and famously,

1920
01:35:54,920 --> 01:35:57,680
he fought in single combat
with someone

1921
01:35:57,680 --> 01:35:59,640
the day before the main battle.

1922
01:35:59,640 --> 01:36:04,440
An English nobleman, Henry de Bohun,
charged at the king.

1923
01:36:04,440 --> 01:36:07,480
Robert the Bruce waited to accept
the charge of Henry de Bohun

1924
01:36:07,480 --> 01:36:09,520
and when he got close,
he sidestepped him,

1925
01:36:09,520 --> 01:36:12,720
stood up in his stirrups and smote
him down with his battle-axe,

1926
01:36:12,720 --> 01:36:15,120
allegedly cutting all the way
through his helmet,

1927
01:36:15,120 --> 01:36:16,760
his skull and his collarbone.

1928
01:36:16,760 --> 01:36:18,960
Good start, isn't it?
It was a good omen.

1929
01:36:18,960 --> 01:36:21,840
Can we have a look at some
of the swords and weapons?

1930
01:36:21,840 --> 01:36:23,760
Yes,
we've got our broadswords here,

1931
01:36:23,760 --> 01:36:26,240
so I actually have...
This is a hand and a half sword.

1932
01:36:26,240 --> 01:36:27,800
The hand and a half sword,

1933
01:36:27,800 --> 01:36:30,400
that's what they used to call
the bastard sword,

1934
01:36:30,400 --> 01:36:32,960
halfway between a broadsword
and a shortsword?

1935
01:36:32,960 --> 01:36:35,200
Yeah, it's got a longer blade.

1936
01:36:35,200 --> 01:36:38,640
A footman sword might be
as much as 12 inches shorter.

1937
01:36:38,640 --> 01:36:41,880
Every part of it is for killing
people. This bit's the pommel.

1938
01:36:41,880 --> 01:36:43,320
If you hold this hand up,

1939
01:36:43,320 --> 01:36:45,480
then we're going to smash
somebody's skull in.

1940
01:36:45,480 --> 01:36:48,040
That's where the word
"pummelled" comes from, isn't it?

1941
01:36:48,040 --> 01:36:50,560
That's right. The other piece here,
the quillon,

1942
01:36:50,560 --> 01:36:53,280
if you were to slide your blade down
my blade,

1943
01:36:53,280 --> 01:36:55,160
this would protect my hand.

1944
01:36:55,160 --> 01:36:58,000
But if I was to punch up with
this against your chest

1945
01:36:58,000 --> 01:37:01,520
and under your helmet, this would
come into your throat here.

1946
01:37:01,520 --> 01:37:03,840
Very messy, very hard to breathe,
lots of blood.

1947
01:37:03,840 --> 01:37:05,160
That's the murder punch.

1948
01:37:05,160 --> 01:37:06,880
Horrible phase, murder punch.

1949
01:37:06,880 --> 01:37:10,440
"Did you have a good night?"
"Oh, I got murder punched."

1950
01:37:10,440 --> 01:37:13,520
Shall we have a go at it
with the shields?

1951
01:37:13,520 --> 01:37:15,720
This should just slide down now.

1952
01:37:15,720 --> 01:37:18,800
Imagine heading down to the pub
in that.

1953
01:37:18,800 --> 01:37:21,680
Feels safe now, eh?

1954
01:37:21,680 --> 01:37:22,920
HE LAUGHS

1955
01:37:22,920 --> 01:37:24,000
Cheers, John.

1956
01:37:25,400 --> 01:37:27,400
That's got to be
awkward on the battlefield

1957
01:37:27,400 --> 01:37:30,240
when you're trying to get your strap
back in. "Wait a minute!"

1958
01:37:32,880 --> 01:37:37,440
Shall we have a wee go at it,
very gently? OK. Right.

1959
01:37:39,760 --> 01:37:42,640
Good, I can see
the concentration on your face.

1960
01:37:42,640 --> 01:37:46,160
There's something about a huge sword
that really concentrates the mind.

1961
01:37:46,160 --> 01:37:47,240
Exactly!

1962
01:37:48,160 --> 01:37:50,120
Remember, your shield is for defence

1963
01:37:50,120 --> 01:37:52,160
but your sword
is also good for defence.

1964
01:37:52,160 --> 01:37:54,240
So if I was to stab at you, you want
to parry,

1965
01:37:54,240 --> 01:37:55,600
so just push my blade away

1966
01:37:55,600 --> 01:38:00,120
and you've automatically
got an opening there. Right.

1967
01:38:05,200 --> 01:38:08,400
I think you could get me quite
easily if you tried. Yeah, I could.

1968
01:38:08,400 --> 01:38:11,080
What you're doing is pointing up.

1969
01:38:11,080 --> 01:38:13,040
So you've got lots of armour
on the top,

1970
01:38:13,040 --> 01:38:14,720
so if I was to come down like this,

1971
01:38:14,720 --> 01:38:19,000
you need to get your sword down
to block that. OK.

1972
01:38:24,240 --> 01:38:26,000
Your footwork's good. That's it.

1973
01:38:28,560 --> 01:38:30,960
The change in where your hand
needs to be

1974
01:38:30,960 --> 01:38:34,400
and where your sword needs to be
is really quick, isn't it?

1975
01:38:34,400 --> 01:38:37,120
The quicker it is, the more likely
you are to succeed.

1976
01:38:37,120 --> 01:38:39,800
That's one of my favourite
ways of finishing people off

1977
01:38:39,800 --> 01:38:42,520
in re-enactment, coming in
for a big, obvious overhead.

1978
01:38:42,520 --> 01:38:44,400
Everybody wants to put
their sword up

1979
01:38:44,400 --> 01:38:46,840
and then I flick my wrist
and it's through the belly.

1980
01:38:46,840 --> 01:38:48,720
What's it like to take one
on the shield?

1981
01:38:48,720 --> 01:38:52,120
If I give you a gentle whack there,
that doesn't hurt.

1982
01:38:52,120 --> 01:38:55,440
If I hit harder, you can't feel it,
it's not doing any damage,

1983
01:38:55,440 --> 01:38:57,600
but you start to feel the impact.

1984
01:38:57,600 --> 01:39:01,040
Thanks for showing us that, John.
No problem.

1985
01:39:01,040 --> 01:39:03,880
There goes my helmet!

1986
01:39:06,760 --> 01:39:10,080
I've slowly circled
and gently tapped swords together,

1987
01:39:10,080 --> 01:39:13,400
so fuck you, Simon Schama,
I'm now ready to speak at length

1988
01:39:13,400 --> 01:39:15,880
about Scotland's most famous king.

1989
01:39:15,880 --> 01:39:20,480
Robert the Bruce remains an
inspiration to many in Scotland,

1990
01:39:20,480 --> 01:39:21,800
having lived to 54.

1991
01:39:21,800 --> 01:39:26,520
In 1305 Robert the Bruce,
taking refuge from battle in a cave,

1992
01:39:26,520 --> 01:39:30,520
was inspired by a spider to spend
four days trapped in the bath.

1993
01:39:30,520 --> 01:39:33,960
Robert went on to defeat the English
at Bannockburn and Berwick.

1994
01:39:33,960 --> 01:39:35,680
Even today as a mark of respect,

1995
01:39:35,680 --> 01:39:37,800
everyone in Berwick
continues to look defeated.

1996
01:39:37,800 --> 01:39:39,040
The Battle of Bannockburn

1997
01:39:39,040 --> 01:39:41,520
was perhaps the most
famous of Scottish victories,

1998
01:39:41,520 --> 01:39:44,400
closely followed by getting
a London taxi driver

1999
01:39:44,400 --> 01:39:46,320
to accept a Clydesdale Bank 20.

2000
01:39:46,320 --> 01:39:48,680
Robert was a warrior,
but also a cunning ruler

2001
01:39:48,680 --> 01:39:50,800
who managed to use an alliance with
France

2002
01:39:50,800 --> 01:39:54,800
to capitalise on English fears
of an invasion.

2003
01:39:54,800 --> 01:39:57,600
Can you imagine if England had
fallen under French rule?

2004
01:39:57,600 --> 01:40:00,080
Right now from Newcastle
right down to Plymouth,

2005
01:40:00,080 --> 01:40:01,400
they would be speaking...

2006
01:40:01,400 --> 01:40:02,520
Louder English.

2007
01:40:02,520 --> 01:40:07,080
Ultimately, France didn't invade,
possibly because they needed England

2008
01:40:07,080 --> 01:40:11,120
as a vital safety buffer between
their own and Scottish cuisine.

2009
01:40:11,120 --> 01:40:14,480
Robert led Scotland to its first
war of independence,

2010
01:40:14,480 --> 01:40:18,040
700 years before Nicola Sturgeon
took on his mantle and his haircut.

2011
01:40:18,040 --> 01:40:20,480
And yet many people, I suppose,
will only know him

2012
01:40:20,480 --> 01:40:21,880
from the section of Braveheart

2013
01:40:21,880 --> 01:40:24,000
where he was played
by Angus Macfadyen

2014
01:40:24,000 --> 01:40:26,560
in a role so cherished by the makers
of the film

2015
01:40:26,560 --> 01:40:29,160
that they spelled his name wrong in
the credits.

2016
01:40:29,160 --> 01:40:31,360
Angus Macfadyen has been
in the headlines recently

2017
01:40:31,360 --> 01:40:34,920
when a cinema chain didn't pick
up his biopic of Bruce.

2018
01:40:34,920 --> 01:40:37,120
A story caught on that the film was
banned

2019
01:40:37,120 --> 01:40:39,400
as a result of some
pro-union conspiracy,

2020
01:40:39,400 --> 01:40:42,080
rather than it just being
a small-scale film

2021
01:40:42,080 --> 01:40:45,600
based in a country people
enjoy ignoring.

2022
01:40:45,600 --> 01:40:47,600
But for the record, I would like to
state

2023
01:40:47,600 --> 01:40:50,920
that my pornographic rewriting
of the career of pop duo Hue and Cry

2024
01:40:50,920 --> 01:40:53,760
was unfairly suppressed by
a fearful British government.

2025
01:40:57,920 --> 01:41:00,160
With my edged weapon skills
polished,

2026
01:41:00,160 --> 01:41:02,720
I feel more than ready to head
west back to Glasgow.

2027
01:41:05,080 --> 01:41:09,400
Bannockburn still carries a message
of Scottish glory and defiance.

2028
01:41:09,400 --> 01:41:10,640
Somewhat less glorious

2029
01:41:10,640 --> 01:41:14,000
but equally defiant are the messages
daubed on Glasgow's walls.

2030
01:41:15,040 --> 01:41:17,640
But recently, some of the
aesthetics of street artists

2031
01:41:17,640 --> 01:41:20,520
have become incorporated
into civic murals.

2032
01:41:20,520 --> 01:41:22,360
Once, murals would have been
popular

2033
01:41:22,360 --> 01:41:24,160
for the chance to huff paint fumes,

2034
01:41:24,160 --> 01:41:26,560
but today they're created to
spread civic pride,

2035
01:41:26,560 --> 01:41:30,400
celebrate heroes and cover up
quite a bit of racist graffiti.

2036
01:41:33,200 --> 01:41:35,840
Every year Glasgow
stages a Doors Open Day,

2037
01:41:35,840 --> 01:41:39,680
a brief chance to see inside grand
buildings without a court summons.

2038
01:41:41,000 --> 01:41:45,120
A 30th anniversary mural celebrating
Glasgow's most iconic buildings

2039
01:41:45,120 --> 01:41:47,080
has been commissioned.

2040
01:41:47,080 --> 01:41:49,640
So I'm going to a car park to
meet four artists

2041
01:41:49,640 --> 01:41:51,600
who studied together at art school

2042
01:41:51,600 --> 01:41:54,200
and now work together
as the Cobolt Collective.

2043
01:41:54,200 --> 01:41:56,760
This looks great,
how long have you been doing this?

2044
01:41:56,760 --> 01:41:59,840
We started on Monday,
so it's only been two days.

2045
01:41:59,840 --> 01:42:02,400
How much longer will you
have to do it?

2046
01:42:02,400 --> 01:42:06,080
We're hoping to have it done
by next Sunday. We'll see, though.

2047
01:42:06,080 --> 01:42:08,720
There's going to be 40mph winds,

2048
01:42:08,720 --> 01:42:11,600
so that will put a halt on things.

2049
01:42:11,600 --> 01:42:14,600
They need the car park back, so
we need to be as quick as possible.

2050
01:42:14,600 --> 01:42:17,880
Of course, this overlooks...
They're kicking us out.

2051
01:42:17,880 --> 01:42:20,080
..one of Glasgow's bleaker
car parks,

2052
01:42:20,080 --> 01:42:22,320
but you've got this very optimistic
mural.

2053
01:42:22,320 --> 01:42:24,920
It'll be sad when they first find
a body under this.

2054
01:42:26,880 --> 01:42:29,040
So you're going to have
a crack at this now?

2055
01:42:29,040 --> 01:42:32,400
Yeah, are you going to have a shot?
Sure, but I'm a hopeless artist.

2056
01:42:32,400 --> 01:42:34,000
That's fine, the wall's so bumpy

2057
01:42:34,000 --> 01:42:36,360
that you can't do a straight line
anyway.

2058
01:42:36,360 --> 01:42:39,600
But what if I'm looking at that
in a hundred years going,

2059
01:42:39,600 --> 01:42:41,000
"I fucked that bit up"?

2060
01:42:41,000 --> 01:42:43,160
THEY LAUGH

2061
01:42:43,160 --> 01:42:48,040
Is it hard painting murals
in Glasgow with the weather? Yeah.

2062
01:42:48,040 --> 01:42:51,160
It's the worst city we probably
could have chosen to do this.

2063
01:42:51,160 --> 01:42:54,000
You always see pictures of people
in LA in the sunshine,

2064
01:42:54,000 --> 01:42:56,240
and we're battered with the winds
and the rain.

2065
01:42:56,240 --> 01:42:58,960
Rain must be your worst enemy. Yeah.

2066
01:42:58,960 --> 01:43:03,240
You're neater than me, that's
pretty good. I fucked that up.

2067
01:43:03,240 --> 01:43:04,840
It just adds character.

2068
01:43:04,840 --> 01:43:08,480
I've seen a few of your murals.
They seem so upbeat and hopeful.

2069
01:43:08,480 --> 01:43:12,720
My thing is, when I try
and do something optimistic,

2070
01:43:12,720 --> 01:43:15,160
I find that I'm having to
manufacture that to some extent.

2071
01:43:15,160 --> 01:43:17,480
I'm having to go,
"I want to say something positive."

2072
01:43:17,480 --> 01:43:20,400
Do you have to do that, or do you
find it comes naturally?

2073
01:43:20,400 --> 01:43:24,440
The subjects we choose to talk
about aren't necessarily positive,

2074
01:43:24,440 --> 01:43:28,800
but I feel like the way the country
and the world is at the moment,

2075
01:43:28,800 --> 01:43:33,040
it wouldn't reflect well if it was
really political. Sectarian.

2076
01:43:33,040 --> 01:43:35,920
Sectarian! There's plenty of those
murals.

2077
01:43:35,920 --> 01:43:38,680
How are you finding the wobbliness?

2078
01:43:38,680 --> 01:43:40,360
I'm not minding it at all.

2079
01:43:40,360 --> 01:43:43,720
I find that as you get into middle
age, you start to think,

2080
01:43:43,720 --> 01:43:45,240
"I've lived my life.

2081
01:43:45,240 --> 01:43:49,840
"I'd just like to go out
in an entertaining way."

2082
01:43:49,840 --> 01:43:52,120
Do you see these things,
when you go about

2083
01:43:52,120 --> 01:43:55,520
and you see something you've done
on a wall? That must be a buzz.

2084
01:43:55,520 --> 01:43:59,360
It is weird. You can also see them
from Google Earth when you zoom in.

2085
01:43:59,360 --> 01:44:01,440
Really? You can see your paintings
from space.

2086
01:44:01,440 --> 01:44:03,760
I don't think you get used to that.

2087
01:44:04,920 --> 01:44:06,520
Do you know that thing
in Islamic art,

2088
01:44:06,520 --> 01:44:08,200
where they put in
a tiny imperfection

2089
01:44:08,200 --> 01:44:10,800
because only God is perfect?
I didn't know that.

2090
01:44:10,800 --> 01:44:14,560
Yeah, only Allah's perfect,
so if you see, like, a carpet,

2091
01:44:14,560 --> 01:44:18,280
there's always one little bit
that's out of symmetry.

2092
01:44:18,280 --> 01:44:20,560
That's amazing. I feel
like I've brought that here.

2093
01:44:20,560 --> 01:44:22,000
THEY LAUGH

2094
01:44:22,000 --> 01:44:24,840
Thanks for coming in.

2095
01:44:24,840 --> 01:44:27,920
No, it's been cool. Cheers. Cheers.

2096
01:44:32,560 --> 01:44:34,960
I took my helmet off for the bit
where it was most likely

2097
01:44:34,960 --> 01:44:36,160
that I was going to fall!

2098
01:44:39,880 --> 01:44:43,720
Glasgow's murals are remarkable, but
what lies beneath is problematic.

2099
01:44:43,720 --> 01:44:46,920
Many of our buildings come from a
dark chapter in the city's history.

2100
01:44:49,800 --> 01:44:53,360
Much of Glasgow's grandest
architecture and wealth

2101
01:44:53,360 --> 01:44:56,400
was created off the back
of slavery in the British colonies,

2102
01:44:56,400 --> 01:44:58,960
and some streets still commemorate
the merchants

2103
01:44:58,960 --> 01:45:01,880
who profited the most
from trading humans.

2104
01:45:03,400 --> 01:45:05,520
I'm meeting with local councillor
Graham Campbell

2105
01:45:05,520 --> 01:45:07,080
in Glasgow's Merchant City,

2106
01:45:07,080 --> 01:45:09,360
who's uneasy with his city's
shameful past.

2107
01:45:09,360 --> 01:45:10,920
I'm always a bit conflicted

2108
01:45:10,920 --> 01:45:13,600
about the fact that this is called
the Merchant City.

2109
01:45:13,600 --> 01:45:17,200
It shouldn't be named after them,
really.

2110
01:45:17,200 --> 01:45:20,400
Tobacco, sugar and cotton,
those are the three commodities.

2111
01:45:20,400 --> 01:45:24,120
It started with tobacco. Glasgow is
here because of the tobacco trade.

2112
01:45:24,120 --> 01:45:27,400
If you had a cigarette habit,
you got your tobacco from Glasgow.

2113
01:45:27,400 --> 01:45:31,560
Glasgow's to blame for that. Right.
All that cancer, it's all us.

2114
01:45:31,560 --> 01:45:34,720
But we became rich because
we monopolised the tobacco trade.

2115
01:45:34,720 --> 01:45:38,560
I understand why the slogan's, like,
"Glasgow's miles better"

2116
01:45:38,560 --> 01:45:44,880
and not "We used slaves to make
cancer", right? It's not as catchy.

2117
01:45:44,880 --> 01:45:49,280
But why have we known
so little about it historically?

2118
01:45:49,280 --> 01:45:52,320
Because Glasgow, unlike Liverpool,
Bristol or London,

2119
01:45:52,320 --> 01:45:54,080
doesn't have a conscious memory

2120
01:45:54,080 --> 01:45:56,040
of actually selling slaves
on the market.

2121
01:45:56,040 --> 01:45:57,880
We were known for shipping
the commodities,

2122
01:45:57,880 --> 01:46:01,920
so we were at a distance from the
trade itself, the trade in people.

2123
01:46:01,920 --> 01:46:05,240
So anybody who was a merchant sold
tobacco, then sugar, then cotton.

2124
01:46:05,240 --> 01:46:10,440
They were up
to their necks in slavery.

2125
01:46:10,440 --> 01:46:13,000
And loads of streets round
here are named after them.

2126
01:46:13,000 --> 01:46:15,160
When I'm on stage,
I go to people sometimes,

2127
01:46:15,160 --> 01:46:16,960
"We benefited from slavery,

2128
01:46:16,960 --> 01:46:19,000
"so that's why we have
the Kingston Bridge

2129
01:46:19,000 --> 01:46:20,680
"and that's why we have Jamaica
Street".

2130
01:46:20,680 --> 01:46:24,520
And you can tell, people go, "Oh".
They've just never even heard that.

2131
01:46:24,520 --> 01:46:28,320
The evidence is in plain sight.
This is Virginia Place.

2132
01:46:28,320 --> 01:46:32,320
Virginia is after the tobacco
plantations. It's telling you,

2133
01:46:32,320 --> 01:46:34,600
"We're very proud of getting
our tobacco wealth

2134
01:46:34,600 --> 01:46:36,040
"from slavery plantations

2135
01:46:36,040 --> 01:46:38,320
"but we're not going to mention
the slavery bit."

2136
01:46:38,320 --> 01:46:42,040
Jamaica Street, of course,
that whole spot on the Clyde

2137
01:46:42,040 --> 01:46:45,160
was where you sailed away to Jamaica
to go and make your fortune.

2138
01:46:45,160 --> 01:46:47,600
And there's Jamaica Streets
all over Scotland.

2139
01:46:47,600 --> 01:46:50,920
There are. You never think of it.
It's like people think

2140
01:46:50,920 --> 01:46:54,440
maybe Peterhead had a really
thriving reggae scene or something.

2141
01:46:54,440 --> 01:46:56,480
Where do they think it came from?

2142
01:46:56,480 --> 01:46:58,800
I suppose people need to envision

2143
01:46:58,800 --> 01:47:01,480
just how Scots were involved in
Jamaica.

2144
01:47:01,480 --> 01:47:06,320
About one third of the white
plantocrats were Scots.

2145
01:47:08,560 --> 01:47:11,800
As the profits from the plantations
in the New World flooded in,

2146
01:47:11,800 --> 01:47:15,520
Glasgow began to expand
and was transformed.

2147
01:47:15,520 --> 01:47:18,920
Every one of the major
buildings in this area

2148
01:47:18,920 --> 01:47:22,200
was paid for by sugar plantation
slavery.

2149
01:47:22,200 --> 01:47:24,000
Plantations is the nice word for it.

2150
01:47:24,000 --> 01:47:28,000
They were death camps for forced
labour till they died.

2151
01:47:28,000 --> 01:47:29,880
It was cheaper to work them to death

2152
01:47:29,880 --> 01:47:32,560
and then replace them with another
one

2153
01:47:32,560 --> 01:47:35,440
coming from West Africa
from another slave ship.

2154
01:47:35,440 --> 01:47:37,720
So what do you think about the idea

2155
01:47:37,720 --> 01:47:40,320
of maybe changing
the names of streets?

2156
01:47:40,320 --> 01:47:43,560
I want the names to stay up there,
but I want it also to say

2157
01:47:43,560 --> 01:47:47,600
that Ingram was the such and such
owner of plantation slavery,

2158
01:47:47,600 --> 01:47:51,400
or Glassford was the person
who exploited people.

2159
01:47:51,400 --> 01:47:55,040
I want it to say where they got
their money from. I'm a Campbell.

2160
01:47:55,040 --> 01:47:56,400
My name is Graham Campbell.

2161
01:47:56,400 --> 01:47:58,400
You couldn't get more Scottish
than that.

2162
01:47:58,400 --> 01:48:01,480
My name is proof that the
Scots are part of my history.

2163
01:48:01,480 --> 01:48:03,800
When you're part of the crime scene,

2164
01:48:03,800 --> 01:48:05,960
you can't let the evidence
walk away.

2165
01:48:07,320 --> 01:48:10,040
Glasgow has resembled a
crime scene for many comedians.

2166
01:48:10,040 --> 01:48:13,880
It's a city with such a cavalier
attitude to drink and drugs

2167
01:48:13,880 --> 01:48:17,800
that a common greeting here is
simply the words "What's happening?"

2168
01:48:19,040 --> 01:48:21,520
I've played at the King's Theatre
countless times.

2169
01:48:21,520 --> 01:48:23,920
I mean, I could count them,
but I can't be fucked.

2170
01:48:25,440 --> 01:48:30,720
It's much bigger than the venues
I've played on this tour so far

2171
01:48:30,720 --> 01:48:31,920
but often, that just means

2172
01:48:31,920 --> 01:48:33,880
there's twice the mob to chase me
afterwards.

2173
01:48:33,880 --> 01:48:36,080
I think there will be upsides to
Brexit, obviously.

2174
01:48:36,080 --> 01:48:39,160
I think it will be nice for the
Irish to watch a British famine.

2175
01:48:39,160 --> 01:48:41,200
LAUGHTER

2176
01:48:47,920 --> 01:48:50,760
I wonder if English politicians
have just forgotten

2177
01:48:50,760 --> 01:48:52,920
what Northern Ireland is like.

2178
01:48:52,920 --> 01:48:56,000
To me, Northern Ireland
and the Republic of Ireland

2179
01:48:56,000 --> 01:48:59,640
are like two halves
of one bipolar personality.

2180
01:48:59,640 --> 01:49:02,040
"Let's get
the jolly old fiddle out."

2181
01:49:02,040 --> 01:49:04,120
"And stick it through
some cunt's head."

2182
01:49:07,800 --> 01:49:09,640
It terrifies me over there.

2183
01:49:09,640 --> 01:49:13,840
Even just the number of places
that begin with the word "Kill".

2184
01:49:13,840 --> 01:49:15,720
"I'm from Killafewmore.

2185
01:49:15,720 --> 01:49:18,680
"Just up the road
from Killemallagain."

2186
01:49:18,680 --> 01:49:19,760
LAUGHTER

2187
01:49:24,440 --> 01:49:26,640
My parents are from Donegal.

2188
01:49:26,640 --> 01:49:29,800
And I know it's very fashionable
at the minute

2189
01:49:29,800 --> 01:49:33,360
for comedians to have their parents
on a TV show with them.

2190
01:49:33,360 --> 01:49:36,840
Not an option if your parents are 80
and from Donegal.

2191
01:49:36,840 --> 01:49:40,440
"I don't trust elevators.

2192
01:49:42,320 --> 01:49:44,160
"And I'll tell you what else
I don't trust.

2193
01:49:44,160 --> 01:49:45,600
"Ham."

2194
01:49:45,600 --> 01:49:46,640
LAUGHTER

2195
01:49:48,880 --> 01:49:52,880
My parents have very,
very mournful Donegal voices,

2196
01:49:52,880 --> 01:49:55,720
very, very sad voices indeed.

2197
01:49:55,720 --> 01:49:59,480
My dad could make the lyrics
to Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah...

2198
01:50:00,800 --> 01:50:04,440
..sound like a fucking
cancer diagnosis.

2199
01:50:06,480 --> 01:50:08,120
When I was growing up,

2200
01:50:08,120 --> 01:50:12,800
there was still quite a lot of
anti-Irish racism in Glasgow,

2201
01:50:12,800 --> 01:50:14,520
which had two parts to it.

2202
01:50:14,520 --> 01:50:16,480
One was "Irish people are really
stupid"

2203
01:50:16,480 --> 01:50:19,880
and the other part was "Irish people
are taking Scottish folks' work",

2204
01:50:19,880 --> 01:50:21,040
which wasn't even true.

2205
01:50:21,040 --> 01:50:23,880
It's an incredible self-own
when you think about it.

2206
01:50:23,880 --> 01:50:25,680
"If they import any more idiots,

2207
01:50:25,680 --> 01:50:27,440
"I'm going to be
out of a fucking job here."

2208
01:50:27,440 --> 01:50:31,200
RIPPLES OF LAUGHTER FOLLOWED BY MORE

2209
01:50:31,200 --> 01:50:33,880
HE LAUGHS

2210
01:50:34,920 --> 01:50:36,880
The Irish people are finding it
quite ironic

2211
01:50:36,880 --> 01:50:39,520
that it took the Scottish people
a long time to get that one.

2212
01:50:43,160 --> 01:50:45,800
When I first went down
to London as a teenager,

2213
01:50:45,800 --> 01:50:49,320
they had anti-Scottish racism
and that had two parts to it.

2214
01:50:49,320 --> 01:50:53,040
One was, "Scottish people are all
alcoholics", and I was.

2215
01:50:54,560 --> 01:50:57,560
And the other part was, "Scottish
people are all really mean.

2216
01:50:57,560 --> 01:51:00,840
"They're really tight with money."
That doesn't even make sense.

2217
01:51:00,840 --> 01:51:03,400
I don't know how many
alcoholics you've met.

2218
01:51:03,400 --> 01:51:05,960
They tend not to be
brilliant at budgeting.

2219
01:51:08,880 --> 01:51:11,080
Of all the mornings I woke up going,

2220
01:51:11,080 --> 01:51:13,280
"What the fuck did I do last
night?"

2221
01:51:13,280 --> 01:51:16,760
I never discovered that
I'd changed energy provider.

2222
01:51:16,760 --> 01:51:17,800
LAUGHTER

2223
01:51:23,720 --> 01:51:26,720
Oh, here's a joke that goes really
differently in England

2224
01:51:26,720 --> 01:51:29,560
from the way it goes in Scotland,
see if you can work out why.

2225
01:51:29,560 --> 01:51:32,480
When I was at school, there were
two guys in my class

2226
01:51:32,480 --> 01:51:35,040
who were really badly bullied
but luckily,

2227
01:51:35,040 --> 01:51:39,000
it didn't affect them in later life
because they both committed suicide.

2228
01:51:43,200 --> 01:51:46,440
I'm not kidding,
that gets a huge laugh in England.

2229
01:51:46,440 --> 01:51:49,960
That gets a huge, uncomplicated
laugh,

2230
01:51:49,960 --> 01:51:52,360
whereas by the time you get
to Glasgow,

2231
01:51:52,360 --> 01:51:55,160
people are going,
"Yeah, they probably did.

2232
01:51:55,160 --> 01:51:56,200
"Sad story."

2233
01:51:59,160 --> 01:52:02,880
I was taken down
from my school's wall of fame.

2234
01:52:03,960 --> 01:52:07,240
I salute them for doing it.
I admire them for doing it.

2235
01:52:07,240 --> 01:52:09,400
It was because I did a joke
about this guy

2236
01:52:09,400 --> 01:52:11,480
and he was a brilliant guy,

2237
01:52:11,480 --> 01:52:13,040
a wonderful human being,

2238
01:52:13,040 --> 01:52:15,680
but it was his job to teach us
sex education.

2239
01:52:15,680 --> 01:52:20,120
So he'd come round once a month
and preach the withdrawal method.

2240
01:52:20,120 --> 01:52:25,240
And he had nine children.

2241
01:52:25,240 --> 01:52:27,240
And a twitch.

2242
01:52:31,240 --> 01:52:32,320
I'm always amazed

2243
01:52:32,320 --> 01:52:36,040
that the Catholic Church still take
the moral high ground about anything

2244
01:52:36,040 --> 01:52:37,800
after the stuff the priests did.

2245
01:52:37,800 --> 01:52:40,640
Even the incense was just
so they could create a fog

2246
01:52:40,640 --> 01:52:42,320
that they could emerge from.

2247
01:52:47,800 --> 01:52:50,160
You'd smell that at school
and everyone would scatter.

2248
01:52:51,840 --> 01:52:54,840
One wee asthmatic boy would go
missing.

2249
01:52:54,840 --> 01:52:57,120
"What happened to Gregor?"

2250
01:52:58,160 --> 01:53:01,160
"The last I saw,
he was being raped by a cloud!"

2251
01:53:08,680 --> 01:53:11,120
Like a 16-year-old labrador
heading to the vet's,

2252
01:53:11,120 --> 01:53:13,600
sadly, I have come
to the end of my journey.

2253
01:53:15,560 --> 01:53:18,840
Where better to reflect on the
vibrant pulse of modern Scotland

2254
01:53:18,840 --> 01:53:20,880
than at the top of Glasgow's
necropolis?

2255
01:53:22,440 --> 01:53:24,520
I hope to be buried here myself
someday,

2256
01:53:24,520 --> 01:53:26,440
probably in about six months,

2257
01:53:26,440 --> 01:53:29,200
maybe seven if I can give up crack,
which I can't.

2258
01:53:30,520 --> 01:53:34,000
When I look back on the last month
or so of this tour,

2259
01:53:34,000 --> 01:53:36,080
I see a Scotland that's in quite
a predicament,

2260
01:53:36,080 --> 01:53:39,720
filled with wonderful, open,
talented, generous people

2261
01:53:39,720 --> 01:53:41,360
and owned by arseholes.

2262
01:53:41,360 --> 01:53:43,920
About a quarter of the country
is sporting estates

2263
01:53:43,920 --> 01:53:48,320
given over to people shooting
grouse, a sort of chicken in drag.

2264
01:53:48,320 --> 01:53:50,320
I actually grew up
on a sporting estate.

2265
01:53:50,320 --> 01:53:53,760
We always gave someone a head
start before we mugged them.

2266
01:53:53,760 --> 01:53:57,400
Another problem here is this
inaccurate idea we have of ourselves

2267
01:53:57,400 --> 01:53:59,640
as a historically oppressed nation.

2268
01:53:59,640 --> 01:54:03,320
In the late 18th century,
Scots owned 30% of Jamaica.

2269
01:54:03,320 --> 01:54:06,360
Now we own approximately
30% of our own furniture, and teeth.

2270
01:54:06,360 --> 01:54:08,440
We weren't colonised by England,

2271
01:54:08,440 --> 01:54:12,080
we were complicit with the British
Empire's colonial endeavours,

2272
01:54:12,080 --> 01:54:15,040
but have conveniently decided to
redefine ourselves

2273
01:54:15,040 --> 01:54:16,480
as another of its victims,

2274
01:54:16,480 --> 01:54:18,960
a bit like Rose West hearing
the police sirens

2275
01:54:18,960 --> 01:54:21,600
and quickly burrowing
under some paving slabs.

2276
01:54:22,760 --> 01:54:25,640
Our history even before that
isn't really that of a proud nation

2277
01:54:25,640 --> 01:54:27,600
seeking self-determination.

2278
01:54:27,600 --> 01:54:31,080
Scotland was historically a thing
passed around among the powerful

2279
01:54:31,080 --> 01:54:34,320
in much the way that nowadays, they
might pass around a sexy orphan.

2280
01:54:34,320 --> 01:54:37,080
The long death of the union
has led to Scottish culture

2281
01:54:37,080 --> 01:54:39,600
being increasingly marginalised
and patronised.

2282
01:54:39,600 --> 01:54:41,600
When James Kelman
won the Booker Prize,

2283
01:54:41,600 --> 01:54:42,840
he accepted by saying,

2284
01:54:42,840 --> 01:54:45,400
"My culture and my language have the
right to exist.

2285
01:54:45,400 --> 01:54:47,320
"No-one has the
authority to dismiss them".

2286
01:54:47,320 --> 01:54:49,920
That is an incredible thing for
someone to have to say,

2287
01:54:49,920 --> 01:54:51,960
to have to insist on their own
validity,

2288
01:54:51,960 --> 01:54:53,880
their right to speak in their own
voice.

2289
01:54:53,880 --> 01:54:55,560
I think that in the years
ahead of us

2290
01:54:55,560 --> 01:54:57,560
there'll be a lot of new
Scottish voices

2291
01:54:57,560 --> 01:55:02,840
charting us away from the
cultural cringe

2292
01:55:02,840 --> 01:55:05,440
and the nuclear missile-based
status and the food banks

2293
01:55:05,440 --> 01:55:06,760
and the religious neuroses

2294
01:55:06,760 --> 01:55:09,120
and the difficulty
that we have, let's be honest,

2295
01:55:09,120 --> 01:55:12,600
in allowing ourselves
to find joy in each other

2296
01:55:12,600 --> 01:55:15,320
and towards a new enlightenment,

2297
01:55:15,320 --> 01:55:20,520
of which we're well capable now
that we've had a good, long rest.

2298
01:55:20,520 --> 01:55:26,160
MUSIC: Some Candy Talking
by The Jesus And Mary Chain