This programme contains some strong language
I'm Frankie Boyle. I'm a comedian, and I've always loved football.
We've got a crowd in.
It's like my first Edinburgh Fringe up there!
This year, Russia will host the World Cup for its first time.
How do you think the World Cup is going to go? Brilliant.
Come to Moscow, don't be afraid of anything.
Come on, what can go wrong?
When the BBC was looking for someone to explore Russia
in the build-up to the greatest show on Earth,
it had my name written all over it.
In the run-up to the 2018 World Cup,
relations between Russia and Britain are so bad
that nothing I can say or do could possibly make them any worse...
..is the lie that I told BBC commissioners.
But there's one problem -
I'm terrified of flying,
so, my 2,000 mile journey from Glasgow to Moscow
relied on cars, buses and trains.
Not the best way to navigate the largest country on earth...
..but, with Scotland not in this year's tournament,
and worse still, England qualifying...
..how else can I enjoy Russia 2018...
..and discover a whole other world behind the World Cup?
RAPS: # ..turn you on like Bathsheba
# Then cut you off like Crimea... #
Meet my friend Vladimir.
Yah!
This...is the sea.
Oh, a wee bit of grey in the beard.
RUSSIAN CHOIR
Ever since Russia was awarded the World Cup in 2010,
there has been controversy about whether it deserves to host
the biggest sporting tournament on earth.
Russia has a state-run doping programme,
which puts their athletes at an unfair advantage,
as competitors from other countries
actually have to pay for their drugs.
Some people say that there's no place for drugs in sport,
and those people have never tried watching Scottish football sober.
The Russian national team couldn't win the World Cup
if they took every performance enhancing drug simultaneously
and the other teams were on methadone.
Russia was actually banned from the Winter Olympics in Korea -
but so what?
I'm banned from the Glasgow branch of IKEA,
you don't see me bitching about it.
When I need a shit, I just use the lavatory displays in B&Q.
Today, the Russian football team
could probably only have qualified as hosts.
MUSIC: Soviet National Anthem
Russia haven't always been terrible.
In the Soviet era,
the national side made it to three World Cup quarterfinals and a semi.
With the tournament about to kick off,
I want to find out what's happened
to this once great footballing nation.
# Long live our Soviet motherland... #
In the post-Communist era,
Russian wealth has become concentrated
into the hands of a few billionaires.
It's very different from Soviet times,
when wealth was shared among a few party members.
When they're not buying up swathes of Kensington,
billionaires have been known to impulse-buy a football club
for the price of a mid-range sex yacht.
It's very tiring being a Russian billionaire,
as you have to spend most of your day
forcing your rivals into a wood chipper.
Indeed, Russian billionaires are so preoccupied with
forcing their rivals into wood chippers
that the makers of wood chippers have become billionaires.
And it's not just English clubs
that Russian billionaires have got their eyes on.
In 2003, former military apparatchik turned oil dealer Leonid Fedun
splashed out on Russia's most famous club...
..and now Spartak Moscow have had a face-lift
bigger than the one that's made Simon Cowell's dog
no longer come when he calls it.
They have a brand-new World Cup Stadium thanks to Fedun,
at a reported cost of £350 million.
In the World Cup, during the groups,
they're going to have Argentina-Iceland here,
and then I think they've got Belgium-Tunisia -
so, imagine seeing Messi here, or seeing De Bruyne here.
It feels like the crowd's right in on top of everybody -
and then, at the end, at the end of the groups,
it's Brazil are playing here.
Should be amazing.
Today, Spartak Moscow are the plaything
of a running dog of capitalism -
but their origins are more humble.
In early 1900s Soviet Russia,
the army, the police, every state institution,
formed their own sports club.
Spartak were created by trade unionists,
and known as the People's Team.
Spartak are Russia's most successful team.
They dominated football in the '90s
like Oasis dominated the music scene...
# What a life it would be... #
..and the arsehole scene...
# If you would come to mine for tea... #
..but since the billionaire took over Spartak,
just like Oasis, it's been mainly downhill.
I imagine Spartak's founders
would hate what the People's Team has become
almost as much as they'd hate Oasis.
I've come to this wealthy neighbourhood in Moscow
to meet one of Spartak's biggest fans.
Apparently, he loves the People's Team so much
that he has Spartak registration plates on his cars.
Is this the right one?
What number are we? I'm not sure. We've all totally forgotten!
I think it was five...
Floor five?
Valery, how you doing? Come on in. Nice to meet you, man.
Please take your shoes off, eh?
That's the Russian thing. All right. That's a good rule, but.
That snow's the first clean these shoes have ever had.
Valery Rodin has supported Spartak since he was a small boy.
Now a wealthy international businessman,
he still tries to attend every Spartak match.
So.
FRANKIE CHUCKLES
It took us, like, four goes to remember the flat number.
Oh, really? Yeah.
Be careful - on the sixth and on the seventh floor,
there are the premises of the boss of Spartak owner.
Oh, right, cos we were on six.
We were floating about... You'd rather not disturb him, eh?
Right. I'm glad we didn't just knock and ask him!
Bullet through the eyehole.
Michael Palin always opened his interviews
with a bullet through the eyehole joke.
It's a good start.
What I remember, like, as a teenager, I remember, like,
they got to...was it, like, the semis of the European Cup,
and I kind of remember there being a lot
of really good Russian club sides then -
but what happened, then?
Because, like, you know, now, you seem to have fallen off,
and the national side seems to have fallen off, as well.
In 2008, a limit for foreign players had been imposed in Russia.
If you're a Russian player, if you have a Russian passport,
if you could kick a ball a little bit,
immediately, your agent asks for a multimillion dollar contract
and they say to you, "No worries.
"You don't like my guy, I'll bring him to another Moscow club."
We get so much money out of nowhere, all of a sudden,
and you understand, the next game you're going to play,
because you don't have a competitor with a Russian passport... Right.
..and there is just so many opportunities
for Russians to squeeze in on the field.
Right, it's made it too easy for Russians. Sure.
Right. You lose it.
So, where does all the money come from?
The owner of Spartak is a rich guy.
He has more money than Abramovich. Yeah, yeah.
God bless him for all the money he spent over 15 years on Spartak,
because that's a lot of money. That's really a lot.
So, the average salary is 500 euros a month.
It's a very unequal society here,
and there's a lot of poverty among people.
Do you feel weird about that?
The fact that there's so much money gets spent on football.
OK, I have a box at Spartak.
I pay more than they pay in Man United for the box,
and we have 52 boxes - all of them are sold out, because it's Spartak.
That's serious money -
and, yes, it's not fair, but, Frankie, our world is not fair.
Later on, Valery will be taking me to see Spartak play.
Spartak are currently ranked 89th in the world by FootballDatabase,
while their fans are ranked 13th in the world
by Ultimate Fighting magazine.
Some of the preamble for the World Cup
is, "Oh, this is going to be the tournament from hell,"
and there's violent fans -
you think there's going to be any violence?
Of course we have hooligans, Frankie,
and they all have been brought up on these old ideas of English football
back in the '70s and the '80s. Oh, right, are they into that...?
Oh, absolutely. Absolutely -
but the thing is, they're not stupid.
They've been told to sit tight, and they will sit tight.
Generally, before these tournaments,
they sort of go, in Britain, "This will be the tournament from hell,"
or the Olympics from hell - pretty much everything!
Frankie, why don't you come to Moscow in June,
why don't you see for yourself?
MUSIC: Dance of the Little Swans by Tchaikovsky
Today, Spartak are playing away to local rivals Lokomotiv.
I might go for one of those hats soon. Something over the ears.
No prizes for guessing Lokomotiv's origin.
They were the railway workers' club, founded in 1922.
The club are still owned by Russian Railways -
not like Britain,
where they'd have been consumed by sun-dried Bee Gee Richard Branson.
THEY SPEAK IN RUSSIAN
Where are you taking them, Valery?
Hiya.
Hi.
I'm looking forward to getting out into the stands
to watch my first Russian premiership derby.
That's clearly not how Valery enjoys games.
He's hired a £3,000 box with brandy and canapes.
Have you noticed,
it's like seven-foot-tall female hostesses here,
who you sort of say hello to,
but there seem to - the thing between men is a sort of formal nod,
very kind of sombre.
We're soon joined by Valery's Spartak mates,
the great and good of the Moscow business community.
You're invited to bet.
You just give the result, any result. OK.
Based on the fact that Spartak were in my hotel last night drinking,
so, I'm going to go 2-1 Lokomotiv.
2-1 Lokomotiv.
THEY TOAST IN RUSSIAN
THEY CHEER
Outside, the warm-up act are in full swing.
MUSIC ON SOUND SYSTEM: Jump by Van Halen
HE CHUCKLES
It's Eddie Van Halen's Jump!
It's a weird thing, because it's Russia,
you don't know if that's supposed to be nostalgic,
of that's them trying to be up to date, you know?
It felt like...
HE LAUGHS
It felt like 1994 or something.
I'm not sure if they're cheerleading
or offering a semaphore severe weather warning.
MUSIC: We Will Rock You by Queen
All the classics.
HE LAUGHS
Spartak are white? Spartak is red. Red?
Oh!
CROWD CHANTS
Quite a mental experience.
There's a kind of flag-waving bit that feels quite Viking, and stuff.
Three huge explosions went off.
People have obviously smuggled in massive fireworks or something,
which is quite encouraging for the security situation in the World Cup,
because if a bomb goes off,
probably no-one will know until after the game.
Down in the stands, the crowds are doing a lot of bouncing up and down.
Presumably just to stop their heart valves icing shut.
They look like they're having a lot more fun down there in the stands
than up here in Valery's corporate box.
I feel like a Politburo member on the Kremlin terrace
looking down on the proles.
The game ends in a grim 0-0 draw,
so I lost my bet.
My toes turning black,
it's time to warm up with some corporate hospitality.
I wonder if salmon-filled vol-au-vents
is what the Communist founders of Spartak had in mind
when they formed the People's Team.
So, that was an interesting day.
The sheer kind of soullessness, really, of corporate hospitality,
which I think has sort of become an industry
of, like, rich people denying that they're lonely.
So, it's a way that you can pretend that your money
doesn't cut you off from ordinary people,
but you can see the ordinary people underneath you.
I mean, think of all the things you're missing out on.
You're missing out on all the stuff you get at a football game -
the camaraderie, just losing yourself in a crowd,
losing yourself when a goal goes in, or whatever,
and you're selling it for what? For, like, canapes.
RUSSIAN VERSION OF EMINEM'S LOSE YOURSELF
In Russia, like most of the world,
the people's game is now the rich people's game,
with money making it as joyless as a bedtime story from Mick McCarthy.
But some grassroots teams here are trying to reignite the passion
for the game, with the Moscow Street Madness team at the forefront.
Street Madness believes that playing on the streets
is where the greatest players are born.
People seem very skilful. The way they're playing,
it's more the sort of thing you'd expect to see in Brazil
or something like that. Doing tricks and... Yeah, yeah.
People who are playing street soccer expect to get some tricks.
People have no coach,
they're trying to make themselves more skilful
so they start to learn tricks instead of tactics, and stuff.
It's football but in six inches of snow and wearing an anorak,
which doesn't put off the Street Madness crew.
This would be very different in the UK.
For a start, there would be no-one here.
They'd be in Asda, queueing for bread, because
a few inches of snow would have brought the country to its knees.
Is it a big scene in Russia? Oh, yeah, this is a big scene.
Most of the guys here, they use soccer not just to help...
..like a kind of expression of themselves.
Street Madness and other street football teams
practise in city courtyards called korobkas. Built by the Soviets
in the 1970s, they were intended to be used as hockey pitches.
But were soon hijacked by footballers,
looking for somewhere free to play.
Today, korobka has become so popular,
it's given rise to a massive street sub-culture.
But the corporate influence extends here, too.
Big brands are desperate to hock their goods to the korobka kids,
and everyone wears 18 layers so there's a lot to sell.
The one in the yellow hat, and this guy in grey sweat pants,
they kind of pushed it to a new level.
Bizex and Papen from Street Madness are using their skills to make
some coin, appearing in ads for Adidas, Nike and Coca-Cola.
Coke's a strange sponsor,
with many of football's key skills trickier to perform with diabetes.
These guys are pioneers of the game? Yeah, in that sense, yeah.
Bizex and Papen aren't just in it for the money.
They hope to use street football to revive interest in the game
throughout the country.
And, to do this, they've launched their own academies,
teaching kids tricks and skills.
You looking forward to the World Cup? Yeah, of course.
It's a big event, like, most of the guys here, I wouldn't say waited
for this all their lives but it's a great, great big deal for them.
Football is big money in Russia,
but not every club here is owned by a billionaire oligarch.
I'm heading 90 miles east of Moscow to Shatura,
a small industrial town of 33,000 people, one power station
and a struggling semiprofessional football team.
The team was set up by Denis McGoalach,
a fellow Celtic fan, living in Shatura.
He loved Celtic so much, he named his own football team after them.
Hello, Denis, how are you doing?
So, welcome, Frankie. Cool.. Here is my friend.
There's something you should know about Denis.
He wasn't born Denis McGoalach, isn't Scottish,
and has never visited Scotland.
This is Sunday Mail post about Celtic.
FRANKIE LAUGHS
Oh, aye, cos you've actually changed your name to Denis McGoalach.
Aye. What brought that on? Why did you choose that, McGoalach?
Because McGoalach, "son of loving parents."
Because "goalach" is a Scottish word, it means "loving." Right.
So a play on words. Aye.
I'd had to come all the way to Russia
to learn the Scottish word for love.
This is my team. The huddle. Yes, the huddle.
We do it before every game.
I'd imagined that in local temperatures,
the huddle is more of a survival strategy.
And this is size of first teams.
Oh, right, this is your Celtic...
..Shatura Celtic. Yeah, this is our badge.
Is this an official thing or is this the first Celtic
are hearing about it? Aye. Yeah. Is it?
LAUGHTER
Manager Denis has taken Celtic Shatura all the way to the Russian
third division.
I've no idea if that's good or not.
I thought the Russian third division
was the battalion of tanks that annexed Crimea.
What year did you first start watching Celtic?
I start watching Celtic when I was a boy, around four years old for me.
I watched Celtic on TV first time, and I fell in love.
We have home town players, they are ordinary workers.
Some of them work, like me, in power station.
That's the main thing in the town, isn't it, a big power station? Yes.
Where did you learn English?
Because your English sounds quite Glaswegian.
Like, "by the way" is a really Glaswegian thing to say.
I think...
..many people in national English...
Yeah, they do, but yours sounds... Yours sounds quite Scottish.
It sounds quite Glaswegian.
Are you watching fan videos and stuff?
Because probably... Probably...
Every time I speak with Celtic supporters, so maybe that's why...
It's rubbing off! Good man, great.
Programme of Celtic and Zenit.
Cool. We were going to go to this, myself and Denis, to Zenit,
the Celtic leg over here but thank God we missed it.
FRANKIE LAUGHS
That was really hard watching on TV,
I don't know what it would have been like being there.
I missed the game, thanks to a four-day train journey
but Celtic lost 3-0 away to Zenit.
Leigh Griffiths! Aye, Leigh.
He had a birthday, so this marks his present for birthday.
Amazing footballer, looks a bit like an ultrasound.
Denis has invited me to have a kickabout with his team.
THEY LAUGH AND CHAT
Frankie Boyle!
HE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN
APPLAUSE
After all, age is just a number.
A number that predicts quite accurately when you're going to die.
It's fair to say I'm not match fit.
This game footage you're about to see isn't slowed down,
it's my actual speed.
We've got a crowd in!
It's like my first Edinburgh Fringe up there.
HE LAUGHS
Hopefully she's Googling CPR.
You'll be our captain today.
Thanks, man.
Bit of a shocker for the fans,
the introduction of a 45-year-old captain.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Once you reach a certain level as a comedian...
..you can get laughs in any medium.
These guys prefer my early stuff.
I'm struck by how easy everyone goes on me.
If I tried to join in a five-a-side match in a British provincial town,
the tackles would be presumably
more in the style of Frank Miller's Batman.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Man of the match today is Frankie Boyle.
Cheers.
Fantastic.
A wee bit of grey in the beard there as well.
It's quite a nice touch.
Nice bit of detail.
Frankie, after good match, all Russians drink vodka.
Oh, is there vodka in there?
I thought there'd be wee dolls all the way down -
it's actually a bottle of vodka.
A fitting man of the match award in a country where
deaths from alcohol poisoning are marked up as natural causes.
ALL: Celtic! Celtic! Celtic!
Richly undeserved first footballing award.
HE LAUGHS
THEY TALK AND LAUGH
On my way out of town, there's somewhere I want to visit.
DOG BARKS
A place whose inhabitants are benefiting
more from the World Cup than anyone else in Russia.
MORE DOGS BARK
These are the lucky dogs of the Red Pine Shelter.
Most of them were going to be killed as part of a massive
World Cup clean-up campaign but now they are looked after by Varia.
They like... They like visitors, huh? What? What would...?
LAUGHTER
Are they barking because there's new people here? Yes!
It's like greeting, like, "Hello, take me home!
"We are waiting for our owners." Yes, they love people.
We'd read dogs are going to get rounded up for the World Cup,
they were going to get exterminated.
The same amount of dogs even before the World Cup, so there are lots of
homeless animals not because of World Cup or problems in Russia,
but because problems of people who are not really responsible.
BARKING CONTINUES
Russia has two million stray dogs roaming its 11 World Cup cities,
so dog-loving Putin ordered that they're all sent to shelters,
like these...
..right after he cancelled his order calling for them all
to be exterminated by canine death squads.
I don't think he's in the good boy side.
I think you've gone back to the bad boy side.
The decision to save the dogs from the death squads was
prompted by an online petition of two million animal-loving Russians.
Out of the city, out of the towns, there are no shelters at all.
Homeless animals are killed outside the city.
And, so, some people put puppies,
little puppies in boxes to Moscow and St Petersburg,
because they're trying, they hope that they will not be killed.
And they post them? No!
So long!
They want to kiss you.
Together, they could push me over.
They are friends.
Just as you said that... "Grr!"
You have a dark side hiding here.
Thanks for showing us around, Varia.
Thank you, thank you that you come here. Thank you very much.
It's a good thing you're doing.
I was going to tell Varia a story
then I managed to stop myself in time.
I went to Romania about 20 years ago.
I went to a town called Valcea, and a new mayor had just been
elected on a ticket of getting rid of all the stray dogs.
And what he did was feed all the dogs to the lions in the zoo.
It was so bad, Brigitte Bardot turned up.
You know it's a bad sign if you're a dog, if Brigitte Bardot turns up.
It's like John Simpson checking into your hotel.
You know it's not going to be good.
The big question is what happens to these dogs after the World Cup?
I've slipped Brigitte's number to Varia just in case.
I'm heading nearly 700 miles south now to the village
of Kushchovskaya in Krasnodar territory.
It helps to be hard if you live here.
This area has a reputation for lawlessness, freewheeling banditry
and it's home to the toughest football team in Russia.
The team is called Kometa. That's the changing room over there.
Their dressing room is a warehouse full of motorbike parts.
Much like any team in the Scottish Championship.
Kometa is one of Russia's leading Motoball teams.
Motoball is like football, except played on bikes.
Football at a different speed and scale.
Is this the ball? Is it?
Cool.
I watched a bit of it on YouTube.
It looks quite dangerous.
Dangerous, very dangerous.
What's odd is that for a sport that sounds so modern,
there's a real air of tradition - ritual, even -
as everyone gets into their leathers.
Motoball is the fastest team sport in the world.
They are just warming up, taking a few shots at the keeper here.
He doesn't look it, but he's a cat.
He is a master of catching the big ball.
Your best hope, pretty much, is to wait
until he's saving one from the kids and then sneak yours in at the side.
Always a bad sign for a goalie if you have to wear a crash helmet.
It's amazing, man.
Can I go in and try and save one?
It'll be safe?
Fucking hell.
MUSIC: Night on Bald Mountain by Modest Mussorgsky
It's really painful to save.
It's fucking massive!
It's really fucking sore.
Oh, fuck.
That's it.
Sore!
Those balls are really heavy.
When you get behind them, man, they hurt.
Russia may be struggling at actual football,
but when it comes to motoball, it enjoys international dominance.
It's weird, isn't it, because I thought it was an amateur thing
we were coming to, do you know what I mean, and it would be
a bit scrappy and stuff,
but they're actually full-on brilliant at it, aren't they?
Wonder what the injury lists are like in this game.
Ilovic is missing this season as he has lost both legs at the knee.
I noticed a lot of this, man.
Just a lot of...you need to be able to do this
and get it behind you because the bike is going so fast.
Yeah, yeah.
I noticed, as well...
Huh?
Oh, you can do it?
Ah, right.
No, man...
Some of my team-mates are whisking me off for a post-match surprise.
This is a banya,
and what happens here is that we get really, really hot
and then we get some leaves out, or some sticks, essentially,
and I will be beaten with these sticks,
and then I have to jump into a plunge pool.
It apparently gives you a real high.
This is a venik massage.
Being brushed with a leafy bundle of twigs will boost my circulation,
slow down the ageing process
and soften me up for the beating that lies ahead.
He's saying, give it to him.
My instincts were correct.
This is very important.
I don't have to jump in the pool?
I am Russian - jump, jump, jump.
The Russians jump in.
Ready, go!
My friend.
Thanks, man. Cheers.
Thanks, man.
Lots of Russians have banyas in their homes.
They are a great way to bond.
You like...what sports?
Football. Everyone in Scotland is obsessed with football.
Soccer. Yeah, totally.
Cricket?
Not cricket. Hate cricket.
Wife, wife? Is that what this is about?
Would I be here if I had a woman?
# From Russia with love... #
That was the banya, which had mild homoerotic undertones...
..and overtones, to be quite honest.
I wonder if it is good for your circulation,
or if two guys were surprised doing it one day
and claimed it was for their circulation.
That's how it took off.
It's the one part of the trip I felt really confident about,
because when you're touring as a comedian in theatres,
you have to have follow spots on you,
so it gets really, really hot on stage,
so when I'm touring I'm always in saunas,
so the rest of my body is shot, but my circulation has to work.
Next stop, St Petersburg, the World Cup host city
and Russia's cultural capital.
This is Saint Isaac's Cathedral and that's St Petersburg.
People from St Petersburg say that if you come up here
at a different hour in the day, you see a different city,
because of the way the light hits all the different domes and stuff,
so you could imagine in the World Cup,
when it's going to be the white night period
when it never really gets dark
how amazing some of the views are going to be from here.
This cathedral was finished in 1858,
then the Communists turned it into a museum of atheism.
So, you can see behind me, we've got Russian icons,
these were done in the 19th century,
so it's an updated version, by which time they've incorporated
Western traditions and Catholicism
and a couple on either side of the door, there,
with the Virgin Mary and Jesus,
you could see them probably in a Catholic church back home.
I know that's not what you're expecting
from a World Cup warm-up show, but allow it.
Communism might have turned this place into a museum of atheism,
but capitalism put a gift shop underneath the resurrection.
Swings and roundabouts.
St Petersburg is the birthplace of Russian football.
The game was introduced to Russia just over 106 years ago
by a Scotsman called Arthur MacPherson.
To find out more, I've come to visit a football collector
who knows more about the game than anyone else in Russia.
Vladimir.
I don't understand collecting football memorabilia
when there's so much good Nazi medical equipment on the market...
..but I'm grateful to Vladimir Falin for taking me into his flat,
which is a virtual museum of Russian football history.
You've done this your whole life?
You've always collected football memorabilia.
I think we could all write a book called that.
English football fans will be interested to know that Vladimir
has a stamp celebrating their country's World Cup victory.
World Cup 1966, that's a commemorative stamp there.
They should have had a ball bouncing just on a line
it clearly didn't go over.
A blind linesman.
Vlad also has evidence of a Russian team's
first-ever visit to Scotland.
Rangers versus Moscow Dynamo.
It was at the end of the war. 1945.
"We are very proud of the honour
"of entertaining our guests and war allies."
See how much better Russian and Britain got on before the Cold War.
I think it's a fascinating historical document.
Oh, I want to check they got beat.
What was the score in this one?
Looks like Vlad's on a roll now.
At Hampden, 1967. We would have had a really good team then.
How did we do? We are at home, we lost 2-0.
In 1967, we were good then!
At last, Vlad addresses the reason I am here to see him
and introduces me to the Scot that brought football to Russia,
Arthur MacPherson.
Businessmen, philanthropist, head of many sports organisations
and unions, he devoted all his life to the development of Russian sport.
Arthur was from a Scottish family of ex-pats
and became the first president
of Russia's football Federation in 1912.
He's quite stocky for a footballer, Arthur MacPherson.
That's enough of me trying to shoehorn Scotland
into Russia's World Cup.
Here's a scene I want to shoehorn into this programme.
Tomorrow, I've kind of got a half day off
and I'm going to go souvenir shopping,
the kids want some souvenirs.
I always think it's quite a...
..it's quite a middle-class, working-class division, souvenirs,
because if you're middle-class,
a souvenir is something you buy for yourself, a conversation piece.
"That tribal mask, oh, yeah.
"It was a nightmare getting it shipped over here, the insurance,"
all that kind of thing, whereas if you're working class,
a souvenir is something that someone else, that one of your family,
bring you back from holiday as a memento of a trip
that you weren't on, you know what I mean?
"What's that on your wall?"
"I don't know, my mum went to Mexico.
"Don't touch it, I think it plays a tune."
MUSIC: Danse des Mirlitons by Tchaikovsky
Right, back to where we're supposed to be - St Petersburg.
Every World Cup needs an animal oracle.
In South Africa, there was Paul the Octopus.
In Brazil, Norman the Armadillo,
and in Russia, it's Achilles the Cat.
Achilles is one of 75 cats
living in St Petersburg's world famous Hermitage Museum,
but he's the only one with the power to see into the future.
We're here to meet Achilles the oracular cat
who's had some success in predicting the Confederations Cup.
We're quite excited to see if we can harness his psychic powers
for our own use.
Apparently, Achilles only developed his ability to tell the future
after he was castrated.
If only he'd developed it the day before,
he'd have known not to get in the car.
We've decided to ask him here today who's going to win World War III -
will it be Russia or will it be the United States?
Achilles.
Achilles sat in his tent.
You've swapped them round now, that's the United States.
If I have to do this, I'm taking it seriously...
..but Achilles obviously isn't.
It's time to give up...
..but my director has other ideas.
This is a 45-year-old man genuinely thinking,
"If I eat both bowls of cat food, can we leave?"
There we have it - Russian victory in World War III.
It's what the West deserves.
HE CHIRPS
CAT MEOWS
I've really enjoyed my time in St Petersburg.
They often talk, don't they,
about a World Cup or an Olympics opening a country up to tourism?
But in Russia, you feel that it could really happen.
Also, it's very cheap here for Westerners.
The rouble has crashed a couple of times -
the first time on the back of gas prices,
then the second time on the back of sanctions.
So, while we are all trembling on the brink of World War III,
the silver lining is,
snacks here are very cheap.
There's free train travel for away fans in the World Cup,
and you know there's a certain type of England fan
who could watch England win the World Cup
and all they'd talk about
was the time they didn't have to pay for a train in Russia.
I'm heading out to a town called Repino,
where the England team will soon be based.
It hasn't gone down that well in the British press.
Some people are saying that the facilities in Repino
aren't good enough for the World Cup.
Although you'd have thought not being good enough for the World Cup
would suit England right down to the ground.
Repino is a village tucked away on the Gulf of Finland.
It's a lively weekend resort
for wealthy residents of St Petersburg,
who escape here in the summer
for its golden beaches and clear, blue waters.
But in the winter, it's very different.
This...
..is the sea.
Repino is less than 500 miles from the Arctic Circle.
Its sea can be frozen for as long as five months of the year...
..but that doesn't mean I want to risk walking on it.
If the ice cracks, we all drown.
A professional operation.
You couldn't drown here.
You might do. It's just a tiny bit of water. We don't know that.
We don't know. Literally no idea.
How many people have said that, just before they drowned horribly?
LOUD CRACK
Fucking hell!
This is the sea!
Sports journalist Ivan Zhidkov has lived in Repino all his life.
I only trust the ice if you're on it.
He's braced for the English invasion at this year's World Cup.
It's crazy to think that in a few months, there's going to be, like,
England fans sleeping it off on this beach, isn't it?
Yeah, it will be umbrellas, sun umbrellas over there -
and people are going to be swimming here.
So, er, it will be a good advantage
for Russian and English people to meet each other.
I have a feeling if the results go the wrong way,
this beach could be like the D-Day Landings.
Do the people of Repino really know
what they're letting themselves in for this summer -
particularly following the spy poisoning scandal?
I-I'm sure that most of people in Russia
even cannot understand what's going on.
This poisoning. So, whom poisoning...
Who poisoned and why?
So, and I'm totally sure...
..that the same is in UK. Yeah.
But I think it's... It has nothing with football.
So, I'm pretty sure that it will be hype about that
until the first kick-off whistle. Yeah.
After the first kick-off whistle, it will be silent and only football.
Ivan wants to show me where the England team will be training.
The ground has been specially chosen by Gareth Southgate
because it's remote, far away from the prying eyes of the press,
and has round-the-clock security...
..but there's a problem.
The fence is too wee.
So, this is it.
You can see how they're a bit worried about the fence.
You can see in.
It's very easy to get in and to get all secrets from tactics and all...
Do you think they'll raise it before the World Cup?
I think they have to do it. Yeah.
I'm not sure the England players will enjoy getting papped
practising free kicks.
Besides, if the press want to surprise them,
they know exactly where to go.
This is Repino's only nightclub.
It's called Zaliv, meaning "gulf".
As in the gulf between
what you hoped the inside of the club might look like...
..and reality.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Russian people are tremendously non-judgemental
about the fact that you don't speak Russian.
Aye-aye. Could I get a Coke Zero?
A Coke Light? Coca Light? Coca-Cola...?
Even if they don't speak English,
they'll still try to communicate with you very patiently.
That morning, I'd had a waitress explain
that the omelette was on special,
entirely through the medium of charades.
It sort of feels like quite a downbeat wedding in here.
Like a second marriage or something.
MUSIC: I Wanna Dance with Somebody by Whitney Houston
This is actually how all nightclubs look when you're not drinking.
Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves,
and it's hard to be judgmental about anyone
who manages to have a good time on a frozen tundra.
# Clock strikes upon the hour And the sun begins to fade... #
That's Repino's nightclub,
and nothing has ever so perfectly captured the spirit
of last orders at your cousin's wedding.
I really enjoyed it.
Some older ladies with a lot of stamina there -
and some guys turning up without a jacket,
despite the fact that just across the car park, the sea is frozen.
You can pretty much walk to Finland from here,
and a guy just had a jumper on.
I think it's a really good choice of base for England,
cos England's perennial problem in tournaments
is that their squad
tends to be a bunch of inhibition-free sexual buccaneers,
and this should put a cork in it.
Today is election day.
Over the next 22 hours, Russians across the country's 11 time zones
will be voting for their next president...
..but you don't have to be Achilles the Oracle Cat to know who will win.
Amazingly, the crew and I can just wander in, no questions asked.
This is a Russian polling station. Pretty busy.
There might be eight candidates at this year's election,
but there's only going to be one winner.
Vladimir Putin has won Russia's last three elections,
despite having the name of a gay porn star.
Russians are still coming to terms with democracy.
It's very much a managed democracy -
and in this managed democracy,
Putin has managed to be in power for 18 years.
I'm a musician, 65 years.
Now I have 77. Wow.
You are look very nice, you are young...
I'm not, I'm 45. ..young boy.
OK, put it in my hand!
OK?
HE PLAYS LA MARSEILLAISE
Outside the polling station,
an old man decides to play me the French national anthem,
for reasons that remain unclear.
HE CONTINUES TO PLAY
So, that's the polling station,
and for all we've heard about there's worries about turnout
and people we've met have said they weren't voting,
it seems really busy here.
Lots of...
Lots of really old people, lots of people who don't
look like they'd survive these kind of winters.
Lots of families, the occasional trumpeter...
..but you can see on the way here, I mean,
it's snow all around here and it's just absolutely spotless
at the polling station, so they really want people to vote.
Then a group of women insist on taking me somewhere.
It's very interesting, it's five minutes.
OK, you want to show us the exhibition? Cool.
THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN
I have no idea where we're going.
SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
Ah, it's all papier mache? Da, da. Yeah.
It's a papier mache exhibition of children's art.
It's kind of amazing, for kids, isn't it?
You can see the impact the Second World War
still has on the Russian psyche.
A lot of this children's art is really quite dark!
"Children, for this year's project,
"the A group will focus on famine,
"and groups B and C, war and death."
That's particularly sinister.
Seems to be a couple of dead kids.
It's not every day you get to see famine, war and death
realised through the medium of glue and toilet paper.
FIREWORKS CRACKLE AND WHISTLE
I'm leaving Russia
just as Vladimir Putin is entering his fourth term in office,
after storming the elections with a whopping 77% of the vote.
CHEERING
Next chapter for Russia, the World Cup 2018.
It's been a great trip to Russia,
and what stood out for me
is the warmth and the openness of the Russian people -
but you can't judge a society by how people behave towards you.
I mean, American people are very, very, friendly.
Americans are friendly because they have all the stuff,
and because they're on medication...
..and because they're worried that you might have a gun.
But American society is pretty messed up.
And Russian society is also pretty messed up.
Sometimes, when I was interviewing pretty normal people,
they'd stop in the middle of the interview
and make it clear that they weren't criticising Russia,
or that they weren't criticising the authorities.
And that to me seems a sign
of a pretty repressive, authoritarian regime.
Look, I know this is just a wee show about the World Cup.
A lot of you have just tuned in to see the stadiums, right?
But let's talk about othering.
Othering is the idea that, often for political purposes,
we create a group of people who are an "out" group,
who are the people who are totally different,
totally alien to ourselves...
..and I think it's a mistake to do that with Russia,
because the idea that Russia is uniquely corrupt,
or is uniquely insular,
or uniquely resistant to democracy,
that's the same idea that Vladimir Putin uses
to control the society.
The things that we say to paint Russia as an official enemy
are exactly the same things that Putin says
to create a picture of a society under siege.
During the Cold War, it suited both sides
to call what was happening here socialism,
even though it didn't look like any definition of socialism
that there had ever been -
but it suited them both to say that it was,
and now I think it suits both sides
to pretend that Russia has completely different values
to the rest of Europe,
and to be honest, I just don't think that that's true.
Anyway, it's been a fun trip...
..but to be honest, I've been on the road for three weeks,
I've got a stinking cold,
and I'm really looking forward to watching the World Cup
at home, on my own sofa.
Fuck this place.