1 00:00:00,020 --> 00:00:04,060 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:04,060 --> 00:00:06,860 I'm Frankie Boyle. I'm a comedian, and I've always loved football. 3 00:00:06,860 --> 00:00:08,100 We've got a crowd in. 4 00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:10,780 It's like my first Edinburgh Fringe up there! 5 00:00:12,340 --> 00:00:15,700 This year, Russia will host the World Cup for its first time. 6 00:00:17,220 --> 00:00:20,180 How do you think the World Cup is going to go? Brilliant. 7 00:00:20,180 --> 00:00:23,060 Come to Moscow, don't be afraid of anything. 8 00:00:23,060 --> 00:00:24,500 Come on, what can go wrong? 9 00:00:26,980 --> 00:00:29,660 When the BBC was looking for someone to explore Russia 10 00:00:29,660 --> 00:00:32,100 in the build-up to the greatest show on Earth, 11 00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:34,020 it had my name written all over it. 12 00:00:36,460 --> 00:00:39,180 In the run-up to the 2018 World Cup, 13 00:00:39,180 --> 00:00:42,100 relations between Russia and Britain are so bad 14 00:00:42,100 --> 00:00:46,420 that nothing I can say or do could possibly make them any worse... 15 00:00:46,420 --> 00:00:49,060 ..is the lie that I told BBC commissioners. 16 00:00:51,340 --> 00:00:52,780 But there's one problem - 17 00:00:52,780 --> 00:00:54,700 I'm terrified of flying, 18 00:00:54,700 --> 00:00:57,620 so, my 2,000 mile journey from Glasgow to Moscow 19 00:00:57,620 --> 00:01:01,620 relied on cars, buses and trains. 20 00:01:01,620 --> 00:01:04,780 Not the best way to navigate the largest country on earth... 21 00:01:15,220 --> 00:01:17,740 ..but, with Scotland not in this year's tournament, 22 00:01:17,740 --> 00:01:19,860 and worse still, England qualifying... 23 00:01:21,260 --> 00:01:24,100 ..how else can I enjoy Russia 2018... 24 00:01:27,740 --> 00:01:31,620 ..and discover a whole other world behind the World Cup? 25 00:01:31,620 --> 00:01:33,180 RAPS: # ..turn you on like Bathsheba 26 00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,660 # Then cut you off like Crimea... # 27 00:01:34,660 --> 00:01:36,860 Meet my friend Vladimir. 28 00:01:36,860 --> 00:01:38,140 Yah! 29 00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:40,620 This...is the sea. 30 00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:44,100 Oh, a wee bit of grey in the beard. 31 00:01:53,740 --> 00:01:56,500 RUSSIAN CHOIR 32 00:01:58,820 --> 00:02:01,980 Ever since Russia was awarded the World Cup in 2010, 33 00:02:01,980 --> 00:02:05,140 there has been controversy about whether it deserves to host 34 00:02:05,140 --> 00:02:08,140 the biggest sporting tournament on earth. 35 00:02:08,140 --> 00:02:10,580 Russia has a state-run doping programme, 36 00:02:10,580 --> 00:02:13,940 which puts their athletes at an unfair advantage, 37 00:02:13,940 --> 00:02:15,660 as competitors from other countries 38 00:02:15,660 --> 00:02:17,500 actually have to pay for their drugs. 39 00:02:18,580 --> 00:02:21,580 Some people say that there's no place for drugs in sport, 40 00:02:21,580 --> 00:02:25,500 and those people have never tried watching Scottish football sober. 41 00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:30,420 The Russian national team couldn't win the World Cup 42 00:02:30,420 --> 00:02:33,540 if they took every performance enhancing drug simultaneously 43 00:02:33,540 --> 00:02:35,420 and the other teams were on methadone. 44 00:02:36,860 --> 00:02:39,860 Russia was actually banned from the Winter Olympics in Korea - 45 00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:41,420 but so what? 46 00:02:41,420 --> 00:02:43,820 I'm banned from the Glasgow branch of IKEA, 47 00:02:43,820 --> 00:02:46,140 you don't see me bitching about it. 48 00:02:46,140 --> 00:02:49,100 When I need a shit, I just use the lavatory displays in B&Q. 49 00:02:51,260 --> 00:02:53,140 Today, the Russian football team 50 00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:55,380 could probably only have qualified as hosts. 51 00:02:57,100 --> 00:02:59,180 MUSIC: Soviet National Anthem 52 00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:01,100 Russia haven't always been terrible. 53 00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:02,500 In the Soviet era, 54 00:03:02,500 --> 00:03:06,060 the national side made it to three World Cup quarterfinals and a semi. 55 00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:09,820 With the tournament about to kick off, 56 00:03:09,820 --> 00:03:11,500 I want to find out what's happened 57 00:03:11,500 --> 00:03:13,740 to this once great footballing nation. 58 00:03:13,740 --> 00:03:17,660 # Long live our Soviet motherland... # 59 00:03:17,660 --> 00:03:19,260 In the post-Communist era, 60 00:03:19,260 --> 00:03:21,180 Russian wealth has become concentrated 61 00:03:21,180 --> 00:03:23,300 into the hands of a few billionaires. 62 00:03:23,300 --> 00:03:25,300 It's very different from Soviet times, 63 00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:28,540 when wealth was shared among a few party members. 64 00:03:29,940 --> 00:03:32,020 When they're not buying up swathes of Kensington, 65 00:03:32,020 --> 00:03:34,940 billionaires have been known to impulse-buy a football club 66 00:03:34,940 --> 00:03:37,940 for the price of a mid-range sex yacht. 67 00:03:37,940 --> 00:03:40,460 It's very tiring being a Russian billionaire, 68 00:03:40,460 --> 00:03:42,380 as you have to spend most of your day 69 00:03:42,380 --> 00:03:45,100 forcing your rivals into a wood chipper. 70 00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:47,780 Indeed, Russian billionaires are so preoccupied with 71 00:03:47,780 --> 00:03:49,540 forcing their rivals into wood chippers 72 00:03:49,540 --> 00:03:52,740 that the makers of wood chippers have become billionaires. 73 00:03:54,180 --> 00:03:55,900 And it's not just English clubs 74 00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:58,580 that Russian billionaires have got their eyes on. 75 00:03:58,580 --> 00:04:04,220 In 2003, former military apparatchik turned oil dealer Leonid Fedun 76 00:04:04,380 --> 00:04:07,060 splashed out on Russia's most famous club... 77 00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:11,900 ..and now Spartak Moscow have had a face-lift 78 00:04:11,900 --> 00:04:14,140 bigger than the one that's made Simon Cowell's dog 79 00:04:14,140 --> 00:04:16,300 no longer come when he calls it. 80 00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:19,140 They have a brand-new World Cup Stadium thanks to Fedun, 81 00:04:19,140 --> 00:04:22,780 at a reported cost of £350 million. 82 00:04:26,620 --> 00:04:29,140 In the World Cup, during the groups, 83 00:04:29,140 --> 00:04:31,460 they're going to have Argentina-Iceland here, 84 00:04:31,460 --> 00:04:33,660 and then I think they've got Belgium-Tunisia - 85 00:04:33,660 --> 00:04:36,100 so, imagine seeing Messi here, or seeing De Bruyne here. 86 00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:39,140 It feels like the crowd's right in on top of everybody - 87 00:04:39,140 --> 00:04:41,380 and then, at the end, at the end of the groups, 88 00:04:41,380 --> 00:04:43,140 it's Brazil are playing here. 89 00:04:43,140 --> 00:04:44,140 Should be amazing. 90 00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:48,260 Today, Spartak Moscow are the plaything 91 00:04:48,260 --> 00:04:49,780 of a running dog of capitalism - 92 00:04:49,780 --> 00:04:51,940 but their origins are more humble. 93 00:04:54,420 --> 00:04:56,540 In early 1900s Soviet Russia, 94 00:04:56,540 --> 00:04:59,740 the army, the police, every state institution, 95 00:04:59,740 --> 00:05:01,420 formed their own sports club. 96 00:05:04,500 --> 00:05:07,300 Spartak were created by trade unionists, 97 00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:09,740 and known as the People's Team. 98 00:05:09,740 --> 00:05:12,660 Spartak are Russia's most successful team. 99 00:05:14,060 --> 00:05:16,340 They dominated football in the '90s 100 00:05:16,340 --> 00:05:18,620 like Oasis dominated the music scene... 101 00:05:18,620 --> 00:05:20,420 # What a life it would be... # 102 00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:21,820 ..and the arsehole scene... 103 00:05:21,820 --> 00:05:23,980 # If you would come to mine for tea... # 104 00:05:23,980 --> 00:05:27,540 ..but since the billionaire took over Spartak, 105 00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:31,020 just like Oasis, it's been mainly downhill. 106 00:05:33,220 --> 00:05:34,740 I imagine Spartak's founders 107 00:05:34,740 --> 00:05:36,980 would hate what the People's Team has become 108 00:05:36,980 --> 00:05:39,020 almost as much as they'd hate Oasis. 109 00:05:46,540 --> 00:05:49,180 I've come to this wealthy neighbourhood in Moscow 110 00:05:49,180 --> 00:05:51,380 to meet one of Spartak's biggest fans. 111 00:05:53,860 --> 00:05:56,060 Apparently, he loves the People's Team so much 112 00:05:56,060 --> 00:05:59,380 that he has Spartak registration plates on his cars. 113 00:06:01,500 --> 00:06:02,580 Is this the right one? 114 00:06:04,060 --> 00:06:07,540 What number are we? I'm not sure. We've all totally forgotten! 115 00:06:07,540 --> 00:06:09,260 I think it was five... 116 00:06:09,260 --> 00:06:10,500 Floor five? 117 00:06:12,780 --> 00:06:15,300 Valery, how you doing? Come on in. Nice to meet you, man. 118 00:06:16,420 --> 00:06:17,820 Please take your shoes off, eh? 119 00:06:17,820 --> 00:06:20,660 That's the Russian thing. All right. That's a good rule, but. 120 00:06:20,660 --> 00:06:23,460 That snow's the first clean these shoes have ever had. 121 00:06:24,740 --> 00:06:28,900 Valery Rodin has supported Spartak since he was a small boy. 122 00:06:28,900 --> 00:06:31,300 Now a wealthy international businessman, 123 00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:33,940 he still tries to attend every Spartak match. 124 00:06:35,580 --> 00:06:36,700 So. 125 00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:38,060 FRANKIE CHUCKLES 126 00:06:38,060 --> 00:06:41,500 It took us, like, four goes to remember the flat number. 127 00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:43,100 Oh, really? Yeah. 128 00:06:43,100 --> 00:06:45,540 Be careful - on the sixth and on the seventh floor, 129 00:06:45,540 --> 00:06:48,420 there are the premises of the boss of Spartak owner. 130 00:06:48,420 --> 00:06:50,340 Oh, right, cos we were on six. 131 00:06:50,340 --> 00:06:52,820 We were floating about... You'd rather not disturb him, eh? 132 00:06:52,820 --> 00:06:55,580 Right. I'm glad we didn't just knock and ask him! 133 00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:58,940 Bullet through the eyehole. 134 00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:02,740 Michael Palin always opened his interviews 135 00:07:02,740 --> 00:07:04,980 with a bullet through the eyehole joke. 136 00:07:04,980 --> 00:07:06,780 It's a good start. 137 00:07:06,780 --> 00:07:09,540 What I remember, like, as a teenager, I remember, like, 138 00:07:09,540 --> 00:07:12,380 they got to...was it, like, the semis of the European Cup, 139 00:07:12,380 --> 00:07:14,820 and I kind of remember there being a lot 140 00:07:14,820 --> 00:07:16,860 of really good Russian club sides then - 141 00:07:16,860 --> 00:07:18,340 but what happened, then? 142 00:07:18,340 --> 00:07:21,300 Because, like, you know, now, you seem to have fallen off, 143 00:07:21,300 --> 00:07:24,700 and the national side seems to have fallen off, as well. 144 00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:29,140 In 2008, a limit for foreign players had been imposed in Russia. 145 00:07:29,140 --> 00:07:31,940 If you're a Russian player, if you have a Russian passport, 146 00:07:31,940 --> 00:07:33,700 if you could kick a ball a little bit, 147 00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:37,420 immediately, your agent asks for a multimillion dollar contract 148 00:07:37,420 --> 00:07:39,420 and they say to you, "No worries. 149 00:07:39,420 --> 00:07:42,900 "You don't like my guy, I'll bring him to another Moscow club." 150 00:07:42,900 --> 00:07:47,500 We get so much money out of nowhere, all of a sudden, 151 00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:50,300 and you understand, the next game you're going to play, 152 00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:52,020 the next game you're going to play, 153 00:07:52,020 --> 00:07:54,940 because you don't have a competitor with a Russian passport... Right. 154 00:07:54,940 --> 00:07:57,500 ..and there is just so many opportunities 155 00:07:57,500 --> 00:07:59,460 for Russians to squeeze in on the field. 156 00:07:59,460 --> 00:08:01,540 Right, it's made it too easy for Russians. Sure. 157 00:08:01,540 --> 00:08:02,860 Right. You lose it. 158 00:08:02,860 --> 00:08:04,460 So, where does all the money come from? 159 00:08:04,460 --> 00:08:05,980 The owner of Spartak is a rich guy. 160 00:08:05,980 --> 00:08:08,660 He has more money than Abramovich. Yeah, yeah. 161 00:08:08,660 --> 00:08:12,460 God bless him for all the money he spent over 15 years on Spartak, 162 00:08:12,460 --> 00:08:15,140 because that's a lot of money. That's really a lot. 163 00:08:15,140 --> 00:08:18,180 So, the average salary is 500 euros a month. 164 00:08:18,180 --> 00:08:20,300 It's a very unequal society here, 165 00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:24,100 and there's a lot of poverty among people. 166 00:08:24,100 --> 00:08:25,500 Do you feel weird about that? 167 00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:28,420 The fact that there's so much money gets spent on football. 168 00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:30,380 OK, I have a box at Spartak. 169 00:08:31,660 --> 00:08:36,260 I pay more than they pay in Man United for the box, 170 00:08:36,260 --> 00:08:40,540 and we have 52 boxes - all of them are sold out, because it's Spartak. 171 00:08:40,540 --> 00:08:41,700 That's serious money - 172 00:08:41,700 --> 00:08:45,860 and, yes, it's not fair, but, Frankie, our world is not fair. 173 00:08:48,940 --> 00:08:52,260 Later on, Valery will be taking me to see Spartak play. 174 00:08:52,260 --> 00:08:56,020 Spartak are currently ranked 89th in the world by FootballDatabase, 175 00:08:56,020 --> 00:08:58,700 while their fans are ranked 13th in the world 176 00:08:58,700 --> 00:09:00,700 by Ultimate Fighting magazine. 177 00:09:05,380 --> 00:09:07,140 Some of the preamble for the World Cup 178 00:09:07,140 --> 00:09:09,460 is, "Oh, this is going to be the tournament from hell," 179 00:09:09,460 --> 00:09:10,780 and there's violent fans - 180 00:09:10,780 --> 00:09:12,900 you think there's going to be any violence? 181 00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:15,060 Of course we have hooligans, Frankie, 182 00:09:15,060 --> 00:09:19,980 and they all have been brought up on these old ideas of English football 183 00:09:19,980 --> 00:09:23,180 back in the '70s and the '80s. Oh, right, are they into that...? 184 00:09:23,180 --> 00:09:25,820 Oh, absolutely. Absolutely - 185 00:09:25,820 --> 00:09:28,500 but the thing is, they're not stupid. 186 00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:32,260 They've been told to sit tight, and they will sit tight. 187 00:09:32,260 --> 00:09:33,980 Generally, before these tournaments, 188 00:09:33,980 --> 00:09:36,980 they sort of go, in Britain, "This will be the tournament from hell," 189 00:09:36,980 --> 00:09:39,620 or the Olympics from hell - pretty much everything! 190 00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:41,860 Frankie, why don't you come to Moscow in June, 191 00:09:41,860 --> 00:09:43,780 why don't you see for yourself? 192 00:09:43,780 --> 00:09:46,380 MUSIC: Dance of the Little Swans by Tchaikovsky 193 00:09:46,380 --> 00:09:50,020 Today, Spartak are playing away to local rivals Lokomotiv. 194 00:09:51,420 --> 00:09:54,780 I might go for one of those hats soon. Something over the ears. 195 00:09:54,780 --> 00:09:57,340 No prizes for guessing Lokomotiv's origin. 196 00:09:58,940 --> 00:10:02,180 They were the railway workers' club, founded in 1922. 197 00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:05,940 The club are still owned by Russian Railways - 198 00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:07,180 not like Britain, 199 00:10:07,180 --> 00:10:11,460 where they'd have been consumed by sun-dried Bee Gee Richard Branson. 200 00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:14,700 THEY SPEAK IN RUSSIAN 201 00:10:16,660 --> 00:10:18,380 Where are you taking them, Valery? 202 00:10:23,900 --> 00:10:24,940 Hiya. 203 00:10:26,380 --> 00:10:27,380 Hi. 204 00:10:29,940 --> 00:10:32,180 I'm looking forward to getting out into the stands 205 00:10:32,180 --> 00:10:35,100 to watch my first Russian premiership derby. 206 00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:41,020 That's clearly not how Valery enjoys games. 207 00:10:43,220 --> 00:10:47,580 He's hired a £3,000 box with brandy and canapes. 208 00:10:49,180 --> 00:10:50,260 Have you noticed, 209 00:10:50,260 --> 00:10:52,860 it's like seven-foot-tall female hostesses here, 210 00:10:52,860 --> 00:10:54,580 who you sort of say hello to, 211 00:10:54,580 --> 00:10:57,740 but there seem to - the thing between men is a sort of formal nod, 212 00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:59,580 very kind of sombre. 213 00:11:02,380 --> 00:11:04,700 We're soon joined by Valery's Spartak mates, 214 00:11:04,700 --> 00:11:07,220 the great and good of the Moscow business community. 215 00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:10,100 You're invited to bet. 216 00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:12,540 You just give the result, any result. OK. 217 00:11:12,540 --> 00:11:17,380 Based on the fact that Spartak were in my hotel last night drinking, 218 00:11:17,380 --> 00:11:20,900 so, I'm going to go 2-1 Lokomotiv. 219 00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:22,980 2-1 Lokomotiv. 220 00:11:22,980 --> 00:11:24,540 THEY TOAST IN RUSSIAN 221 00:11:25,980 --> 00:11:27,300 THEY CHEER 222 00:11:28,740 --> 00:11:31,340 Outside, the warm-up act are in full swing. 223 00:11:35,300 --> 00:11:37,740 MUSIC ON SOUND SYSTEM: Jump by Van Halen 224 00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:39,740 HE CHUCKLES 225 00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:41,980 It's Eddie Van Halen's Jump! 226 00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:45,460 It's a weird thing, because it's Russia, 227 00:11:45,460 --> 00:11:47,860 you don't know if that's supposed to be nostalgic, 228 00:11:47,860 --> 00:11:50,100 of that's them trying to be up to date, you know? 229 00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,340 It felt like... 230 00:11:51,340 --> 00:11:52,500 HE LAUGHS 231 00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:54,380 It felt like 1994 or something. 232 00:11:55,620 --> 00:11:57,380 I'm not sure if they're cheerleading 233 00:11:57,380 --> 00:12:01,060 or offering a semaphore severe weather warning. 234 00:12:01,060 --> 00:12:03,820 MUSIC: We Will Rock You by Queen 235 00:12:03,820 --> 00:12:06,380 All the classics. 236 00:12:06,380 --> 00:12:07,900 HE LAUGHS 237 00:12:19,300 --> 00:12:21,900 Spartak are white? Spartak is red. Red? 238 00:12:29,740 --> 00:12:30,940 Oh! 239 00:12:37,420 --> 00:12:39,060 CROWD CHANTS 240 00:12:42,980 --> 00:12:44,660 Quite a mental experience. 241 00:12:44,660 --> 00:12:48,580 There's a kind of flag-waving bit that feels quite Viking, and stuff. 242 00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:57,860 Three huge explosions went off. 243 00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:01,220 People have obviously smuggled in massive fireworks or something, 244 00:13:01,220 --> 00:13:04,540 which is quite encouraging for the security situation in the World Cup, 245 00:13:04,540 --> 00:13:06,180 because if a bomb goes off, 246 00:13:06,180 --> 00:13:09,020 probably no-one will know until after the game. 247 00:13:11,820 --> 00:13:15,660 Down in the stands, the crowds are doing a lot of bouncing up and down. 248 00:13:15,660 --> 00:13:18,940 Presumably just to stop their heart valves icing shut. 249 00:13:20,940 --> 00:13:23,940 They look like they're having a lot more fun down there in the stands 250 00:13:23,940 --> 00:13:25,700 than up here in Valery's corporate box. 251 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:29,940 I feel like a Politburo member on the Kremlin terrace 252 00:13:29,940 --> 00:13:32,020 looking down on the proles. 253 00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:49,220 The game ends in a grim 0-0 draw, 254 00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:50,540 so I lost my bet. 255 00:13:51,860 --> 00:13:52,980 My toes turning black, 256 00:13:52,980 --> 00:13:55,620 it's time to warm up with some corporate hospitality. 257 00:13:55,620 --> 00:13:57,780 I wonder if salmon-filled vol-au-vents 258 00:13:57,780 --> 00:14:00,420 is what the Communist founders of Spartak had in mind 259 00:14:00,420 --> 00:14:02,780 when they formed the People's Team. 260 00:14:07,340 --> 00:14:09,620 So, that was an interesting day. 261 00:14:09,620 --> 00:14:13,820 The sheer kind of soullessness, really, of corporate hospitality, 262 00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:16,140 which I think has sort of become an industry 263 00:14:16,140 --> 00:14:19,740 of, like, rich people denying that they're lonely. 264 00:14:19,740 --> 00:14:22,100 So, it's a way that you can pretend that your money 265 00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:24,180 doesn't cut you off from ordinary people, 266 00:14:24,180 --> 00:14:26,300 but you can see the ordinary people underneath you. 267 00:14:27,540 --> 00:14:29,820 I mean, think of all the things you're missing out on. 268 00:14:29,820 --> 00:14:32,420 You're missing out on all the stuff you get at a football game - 269 00:14:32,420 --> 00:14:34,580 the camaraderie, just losing yourself in a crowd, 270 00:14:34,580 --> 00:14:36,620 losing yourself when a goal goes in, or whatever, 271 00:14:36,620 --> 00:14:39,660 and you're selling it for what? For, like, canapes. 272 00:14:48,940 --> 00:14:53,620 RUSSIAN VERSION OF EMINEM'S LOSE YOURSELF 273 00:14:53,620 --> 00:14:55,460 In Russia, like most of the world, 274 00:14:55,460 --> 00:14:57,860 the people's game is now the rich people's game, 275 00:14:57,860 --> 00:15:01,660 with money making it as joyless as a bedtime story from Mick McCarthy. 276 00:15:03,260 --> 00:15:06,660 But some grassroots teams here are trying to reignite the passion 277 00:15:06,660 --> 00:15:09,980 for the game, with the Moscow Street Madness team at the forefront. 278 00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:16,220 Street Madness believes that playing on the streets 279 00:15:16,220 --> 00:15:18,260 is where the greatest players are born. 280 00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:25,780 People seem very skilful. The way they're playing, 281 00:15:25,780 --> 00:15:28,100 it's more the sort of thing you'd expect to see in Brazil 282 00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:30,500 or something like that. Doing tricks and... Yeah, yeah. 283 00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:34,420 People who are playing street soccer expect to get some tricks. 284 00:15:34,420 --> 00:15:35,820 People have no coach, 285 00:15:35,820 --> 00:15:38,300 they're trying to make themselves more skilful 286 00:15:38,300 --> 00:15:40,860 so they start to learn tricks instead of tactics, and stuff. 287 00:15:42,420 --> 00:15:45,220 It's football but in six inches of snow and wearing an anorak, 288 00:15:45,220 --> 00:15:47,500 which doesn't put off the Street Madness crew. 289 00:15:49,620 --> 00:15:52,060 This would be very different in the UK. 290 00:15:52,060 --> 00:15:54,140 For a start, there would be no-one here. 291 00:15:54,140 --> 00:15:56,380 They'd be in Asda, queueing for bread, because 292 00:15:56,380 --> 00:15:58,980 a few inches of snow would have brought the country to its knees. 293 00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:03,940 Is it a big scene in Russia? Oh, yeah, this is a big scene. 294 00:16:05,260 --> 00:16:08,580 Most of the guys here, they use soccer not just to help... 295 00:16:09,820 --> 00:16:11,820 ..like a kind of expression of themselves. 296 00:16:14,860 --> 00:16:17,340 Street Madness and other street football teams 297 00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:21,860 practise in city courtyards called korobkas. Built by the Soviets 298 00:16:21,860 --> 00:16:25,300 in the 1970s, they were intended to be used as hockey pitches. 299 00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:28,940 But were soon hijacked by footballers, 300 00:16:28,940 --> 00:16:30,580 looking for somewhere free to play. 301 00:16:32,660 --> 00:16:34,780 Today, korobka has become so popular, 302 00:16:34,780 --> 00:16:37,100 it's given rise to a massive street sub-culture. 303 00:16:38,380 --> 00:16:40,820 But the corporate influence extends here, too. 304 00:16:40,820 --> 00:16:44,380 Big brands are desperate to hock their goods to the korobka kids, 305 00:16:44,380 --> 00:16:47,580 and everyone wears 18 layers so there's a lot to sell. 306 00:16:47,580 --> 00:16:52,580 The one in the yellow hat, and this guy in grey sweat pants, 307 00:16:52,580 --> 00:16:54,860 they kind of pushed it to a new level. 308 00:16:56,620 --> 00:17:00,420 Bizex and Papen from Street Madness are using their skills to make 309 00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:04,420 some coin, appearing in ads for Adidas, Nike and Coca-Cola. 310 00:17:04,420 --> 00:17:06,260 Coke's a strange sponsor, 311 00:17:06,260 --> 00:17:10,300 with many of football's key skills trickier to perform with diabetes. 312 00:17:14,060 --> 00:17:17,220 These guys are pioneers of the game? Yeah, in that sense, yeah. 313 00:17:18,740 --> 00:17:21,420 Bizex and Papen aren't just in it for the money. 314 00:17:21,420 --> 00:17:24,300 They hope to use street football to revive interest in the game 315 00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:25,860 throughout the country. 316 00:17:25,860 --> 00:17:28,220 And, to do this, they've launched their own academies, 317 00:17:28,220 --> 00:17:29,660 teaching kids tricks and skills. 318 00:17:32,620 --> 00:17:34,940 You looking forward to the World Cup? Yeah, of course. 319 00:17:34,940 --> 00:17:38,740 It's a big event, like, most of the guys here, I wouldn't say waited 320 00:17:38,740 --> 00:17:42,180 for this all their lives but it's a great, great big deal for them. 321 00:17:58,940 --> 00:18:00,980 Football is big money in Russia, 322 00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:04,220 but not every club here is owned by a billionaire oligarch. 323 00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:11,700 I'm heading 90 miles east of Moscow to Shatura, 324 00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:16,460 a small industrial town of 33,000 people, one power station 325 00:18:16,460 --> 00:18:18,980 and a struggling semiprofessional football team. 326 00:18:22,260 --> 00:18:24,500 The team was set up by Denis McGoalach, 327 00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:26,700 a fellow Celtic fan, living in Shatura. 328 00:18:29,060 --> 00:18:32,700 He loved Celtic so much, he named his own football team after them. 329 00:18:34,020 --> 00:18:35,820 Hello, Denis, how are you doing? 330 00:18:37,660 --> 00:18:41,980 So, welcome, Frankie. Cool.. Here is my friend. 331 00:18:41,980 --> 00:18:44,460 There's something you should know about Denis. 332 00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:47,900 He wasn't born Denis McGoalach, isn't Scottish, 333 00:18:47,900 --> 00:18:50,580 and has never visited Scotland. 334 00:18:50,580 --> 00:18:55,220 This is Sunday Mail post about Celtic. 335 00:18:55,220 --> 00:18:56,540 FRANKIE LAUGHS 336 00:18:56,540 --> 00:18:59,460 Oh, aye, cos you've actually changed your name to Denis McGoalach. 337 00:18:59,460 --> 00:19:03,860 Aye. What brought that on? Why did you choose that, McGoalach? 338 00:19:03,860 --> 00:19:07,380 Because McGoalach, "son of loving parents." 339 00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:13,180 Because "goalach" is a Scottish word, it means "loving." Right. 340 00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:15,340 So a play on words. Aye. 341 00:19:15,340 --> 00:19:17,580 I'd had to come all the way to Russia 342 00:19:17,580 --> 00:19:20,020 to learn the Scottish word for love. 343 00:19:20,020 --> 00:19:23,460 This is my team. The huddle. Yes, the huddle. 344 00:19:23,460 --> 00:19:25,300 We do it before every game. 345 00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:27,580 I'd imagined that in local temperatures, 346 00:19:27,580 --> 00:19:29,660 the huddle is more of a survival strategy. 347 00:19:29,660 --> 00:19:33,700 And this is size of first teams. 348 00:19:33,700 --> 00:19:36,220 Oh, right, this is your Celtic... 349 00:19:36,220 --> 00:19:38,660 ..Shatura Celtic. Yeah, this is our badge. 350 00:19:38,660 --> 00:19:41,340 Is this an official thing or is this the first Celtic 351 00:19:41,340 --> 00:19:43,500 are hearing about it? Aye. Yeah. Is it? 352 00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:44,900 LAUGHTER 353 00:19:46,260 --> 00:19:49,540 Manager Denis has taken Celtic Shatura all the way to the Russian 354 00:19:49,540 --> 00:19:50,860 third division. 355 00:19:50,860 --> 00:19:52,820 I've no idea if that's good or not. 356 00:19:52,820 --> 00:19:55,100 I thought the Russian third division 357 00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:57,060 was the battalion of tanks that annexed Crimea. 358 00:19:58,260 --> 00:20:01,340 What year did you first start watching Celtic? 359 00:20:01,340 --> 00:20:05,220 I start watching Celtic when I was a boy, around four years old for me. 360 00:20:05,220 --> 00:20:09,540 I watched Celtic on TV first time, and I fell in love. 361 00:20:09,540 --> 00:20:14,380 We have home town players, they are ordinary workers. 362 00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:18,100 Some of them work, like me, in power station. 363 00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:21,380 That's the main thing in the town, isn't it, a big power station? Yes. 364 00:20:21,380 --> 00:20:22,980 Where did you learn English? 365 00:20:22,980 --> 00:20:25,020 Because your English sounds quite Glaswegian. 366 00:20:25,020 --> 00:20:27,540 Like, "by the way" is a really Glaswegian thing to say. 367 00:20:29,740 --> 00:20:31,900 I think... 368 00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:33,860 ..many people in national English... 369 00:20:33,860 --> 00:20:37,700 Yeah, they do, but yours sounds... Yours sounds quite Scottish. 370 00:20:37,700 --> 00:20:39,420 It sounds quite Glaswegian. 371 00:20:39,420 --> 00:20:42,380 Are you watching fan videos and stuff? 372 00:20:42,380 --> 00:20:44,620 Because probably... Probably... 373 00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:51,220 Every time I speak with Celtic supporters, so maybe that's why... 374 00:20:51,340 --> 00:20:53,300 It's rubbing off! Good man, great. 375 00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:55,980 Programme of Celtic and Zenit. 376 00:20:55,980 --> 00:21:01,380 Cool. We were going to go to this, myself and Denis, to Zenit, 377 00:21:01,540 --> 00:21:04,460 the Celtic leg over here but thank God we missed it. 378 00:21:04,460 --> 00:21:06,180 FRANKIE LAUGHS 379 00:21:06,180 --> 00:21:08,140 That was really hard watching on TV, 380 00:21:08,140 --> 00:21:11,020 I don't know what it would have been like being there. 381 00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:13,780 I missed the game, thanks to a four-day train journey 382 00:21:13,780 --> 00:21:16,020 but Celtic lost 3-0 away to Zenit. 383 00:21:17,060 --> 00:21:19,060 Leigh Griffiths! Aye, Leigh. 384 00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:22,460 He had a birthday, so this marks his present for birthday. 385 00:21:24,380 --> 00:21:27,300 Amazing footballer, looks a bit like an ultrasound. 386 00:21:33,260 --> 00:21:36,300 Denis has invited me to have a kickabout with his team. 387 00:21:36,300 --> 00:21:38,820 THEY LAUGH AND CHAT 388 00:21:40,380 --> 00:21:42,020 Frankie Boyle! 389 00:21:42,020 --> 00:21:43,380 HE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN 390 00:21:43,380 --> 00:21:44,940 APPLAUSE 391 00:21:50,300 --> 00:21:52,460 After all, age is just a number. 392 00:21:52,460 --> 00:21:56,060 A number that predicts quite accurately when you're going to die. 393 00:21:57,100 --> 00:21:59,020 It's fair to say I'm not match fit. 394 00:21:59,020 --> 00:22:02,140 This game footage you're about to see isn't slowed down, 395 00:22:02,140 --> 00:22:03,900 it's my actual speed. 396 00:22:05,780 --> 00:22:07,540 We've got a crowd in! 397 00:22:07,540 --> 00:22:10,180 It's like my first Edinburgh Fringe up there. 398 00:22:10,180 --> 00:22:11,820 HE LAUGHS 399 00:22:11,820 --> 00:22:14,060 Hopefully she's Googling CPR. 400 00:22:16,980 --> 00:22:19,060 You'll be our captain today. 401 00:22:19,060 --> 00:22:20,540 Thanks, man. 402 00:22:20,540 --> 00:22:22,020 Bit of a shocker for the fans, 403 00:22:22,020 --> 00:22:24,820 the introduction of a 45-year-old captain. 404 00:22:27,420 --> 00:22:28,900 WHISTLE BLOWS 405 00:22:43,060 --> 00:22:45,340 Once you reach a certain level as a comedian... 406 00:22:46,620 --> 00:22:48,220 ..you can get laughs in any medium. 407 00:22:50,060 --> 00:22:52,820 These guys prefer my early stuff. 408 00:23:03,100 --> 00:23:05,420 I'm struck by how easy everyone goes on me. 409 00:23:05,420 --> 00:23:08,340 If I tried to join in a five-a-side match in a British provincial town, 410 00:23:08,340 --> 00:23:10,340 the tackles would be presumably 411 00:23:10,340 --> 00:23:12,860 more in the style of Frank Miller's Batman. 412 00:23:25,820 --> 00:23:28,100 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 413 00:23:36,460 --> 00:23:39,380 Man of the match today is Frankie Boyle. 414 00:23:41,300 --> 00:23:42,540 Cheers. 415 00:23:44,340 --> 00:23:45,660 Fantastic. 416 00:23:47,660 --> 00:23:49,900 A wee bit of grey in the beard there as well. 417 00:23:49,900 --> 00:23:51,500 It's quite a nice touch. 418 00:23:51,500 --> 00:23:52,860 Nice bit of detail. 419 00:23:54,940 --> 00:23:57,860 Frankie, after good match, all Russians drink vodka. 420 00:23:57,860 --> 00:23:59,940 Oh, is there vodka in there? 421 00:24:03,140 --> 00:24:05,540 I thought there'd be wee dolls all the way down - 422 00:24:05,540 --> 00:24:07,300 it's actually a bottle of vodka. 423 00:24:07,300 --> 00:24:10,220 A fitting man of the match award in a country where 424 00:24:10,220 --> 00:24:13,540 deaths from alcohol poisoning are marked up as natural causes. 425 00:24:16,740 --> 00:24:18,820 ALL: Celtic! Celtic! Celtic! 426 00:24:18,820 --> 00:24:22,180 Richly undeserved first footballing award. 427 00:24:22,180 --> 00:24:23,980 HE LAUGHS 428 00:24:25,060 --> 00:24:27,860 THEY TALK AND LAUGH 429 00:24:45,140 --> 00:24:47,780 On my way out of town, there's somewhere I want to visit. 430 00:24:47,780 --> 00:24:49,580 DOG BARKS 431 00:24:49,580 --> 00:24:51,380 A place whose inhabitants are benefiting 432 00:24:51,380 --> 00:24:54,180 more from the World Cup than anyone else in Russia. 433 00:24:54,180 --> 00:24:56,940 MORE DOGS BARK 434 00:24:56,940 --> 00:25:01,380 These are the lucky dogs of the Red Pine Shelter. 435 00:25:01,380 --> 00:25:04,300 Most of them were going to be killed as part of a massive 436 00:25:04,300 --> 00:25:08,420 World Cup clean-up campaign but now they are looked after by Varia. 437 00:25:10,180 --> 00:25:14,540 They like... They like visitors, huh? What? What would...? 438 00:25:14,540 --> 00:25:16,260 LAUGHTER 439 00:25:16,260 --> 00:25:19,740 Are they barking because there's new people here? Yes! 440 00:25:19,740 --> 00:25:23,700 It's like greeting, like, "Hello, take me home! 441 00:25:23,700 --> 00:25:27,820 "We are waiting for our owners." Yes, they love people. 442 00:25:28,980 --> 00:25:32,100 We'd read dogs are going to get rounded up for the World Cup, 443 00:25:32,100 --> 00:25:34,020 they were going to get exterminated. 444 00:25:34,020 --> 00:25:40,300 The same amount of dogs even before the World Cup, so there are lots of 445 00:25:40,460 --> 00:25:46,700 homeless animals not because of World Cup or problems in Russia, 446 00:25:46,860 --> 00:25:51,100 but because problems of people who are not really responsible. 447 00:25:51,100 --> 00:25:52,980 BARKING CONTINUES 448 00:25:52,980 --> 00:25:56,940 Russia has two million stray dogs roaming its 11 World Cup cities, 449 00:25:56,940 --> 00:26:00,340 so dog-loving Putin ordered that they're all sent to shelters, 450 00:26:00,340 --> 00:26:01,340 like these... 451 00:26:02,620 --> 00:26:05,740 ..right after he cancelled his order calling for them all 452 00:26:05,740 --> 00:26:08,380 to be exterminated by canine death squads. 453 00:26:13,500 --> 00:26:15,980 I don't think he's in the good boy side. 454 00:26:15,980 --> 00:26:18,140 I think you've gone back to the bad boy side. 455 00:26:19,740 --> 00:26:22,500 The decision to save the dogs from the death squads was 456 00:26:22,500 --> 00:26:26,260 prompted by an online petition of two million animal-loving Russians. 457 00:26:28,300 --> 00:26:32,660 Out of the city, out of the towns, there are no shelters at all. 458 00:26:32,660 --> 00:26:35,820 Homeless animals are killed outside the city. 459 00:26:35,820 --> 00:26:38,540 And, so, some people put puppies, 460 00:26:38,540 --> 00:26:42,540 little puppies in boxes to Moscow and St Petersburg, 461 00:26:42,540 --> 00:26:47,380 because they're trying, they hope that they will not be killed. 462 00:26:47,380 --> 00:26:49,820 And they post them? No! 463 00:26:51,740 --> 00:26:53,140 So long! 464 00:27:01,420 --> 00:27:03,580 They want to kiss you. 465 00:27:03,580 --> 00:27:05,820 Together, they could push me over. 466 00:27:08,540 --> 00:27:10,100 They are friends. 467 00:27:11,700 --> 00:27:13,340 Just as you said that... "Grr!" 468 00:27:14,820 --> 00:27:16,740 You have a dark side hiding here. 469 00:27:16,740 --> 00:27:19,020 Thanks for showing us around, Varia. 470 00:27:19,020 --> 00:27:22,700 Thank you, thank you that you come here. Thank you very much. 471 00:27:22,700 --> 00:27:24,340 It's a good thing you're doing. 472 00:27:26,940 --> 00:27:28,780 I was going to tell Varia a story 473 00:27:28,780 --> 00:27:30,980 then I managed to stop myself in time. 474 00:27:30,980 --> 00:27:33,860 I went to Romania about 20 years ago. 475 00:27:33,860 --> 00:27:36,340 I went to a town called Valcea, and a new mayor had just been 476 00:27:36,340 --> 00:27:39,660 elected on a ticket of getting rid of all the stray dogs. 477 00:27:39,660 --> 00:27:43,380 And what he did was feed all the dogs to the lions in the zoo. 478 00:27:43,380 --> 00:27:46,580 It was so bad, Brigitte Bardot turned up. 479 00:27:46,580 --> 00:27:49,740 You know it's a bad sign if you're a dog, if Brigitte Bardot turns up. 480 00:27:49,740 --> 00:27:52,620 It's like John Simpson checking into your hotel. 481 00:27:52,620 --> 00:27:54,300 You know it's not going to be good. 482 00:27:55,740 --> 00:27:59,580 The big question is what happens to these dogs after the World Cup? 483 00:27:59,580 --> 00:28:02,420 I've slipped Brigitte's number to Varia just in case. 484 00:28:11,300 --> 00:28:14,860 I'm heading nearly 700 miles south now to the village 485 00:28:14,860 --> 00:28:17,220 of Kushchovskaya in Krasnodar territory. 486 00:28:20,700 --> 00:28:22,620 It helps to be hard if you live here. 487 00:28:22,620 --> 00:28:26,780 This area has a reputation for lawlessness, freewheeling banditry 488 00:28:26,780 --> 00:28:29,620 and it's home to the toughest football team in Russia. 489 00:28:33,860 --> 00:28:37,460 The team is called Kometa. That's the changing room over there. 490 00:28:38,860 --> 00:28:41,980 Their dressing room is a warehouse full of motorbike parts. 491 00:28:41,980 --> 00:28:44,700 Much like any team in the Scottish Championship. 492 00:28:46,540 --> 00:28:49,300 Kometa is one of Russia's leading Motoball teams. 493 00:28:49,300 --> 00:28:52,860 Motoball is like football, except played on bikes. 494 00:28:52,860 --> 00:28:56,260 Football at a different speed and scale. 495 00:28:58,180 --> 00:29:01,100 Is this the ball? Is it? 496 00:29:01,100 --> 00:29:02,660 Cool. 497 00:29:02,660 --> 00:29:05,660 I watched a bit of it on YouTube. 498 00:29:05,660 --> 00:29:08,180 It looks quite dangerous. 499 00:29:08,180 --> 00:29:10,260 Dangerous, very dangerous. 500 00:29:15,140 --> 00:29:17,860 What's odd is that for a sport that sounds so modern, 501 00:29:17,860 --> 00:29:20,860 there's a real air of tradition - ritual, even - 502 00:29:20,860 --> 00:29:22,860 as everyone gets into their leathers. 503 00:29:40,660 --> 00:29:43,020 Motoball is the fastest team sport in the world. 504 00:29:47,220 --> 00:29:50,380 They are just warming up, taking a few shots at the keeper here. 505 00:29:50,380 --> 00:29:53,420 He doesn't look it, but he's a cat. 506 00:29:53,420 --> 00:29:56,020 He is a master of catching the big ball. 507 00:29:56,020 --> 00:29:57,700 Your best hope, pretty much, is to wait 508 00:29:57,700 --> 00:30:01,180 until he's saving one from the kids and then sneak yours in at the side. 509 00:30:03,260 --> 00:30:06,740 Always a bad sign for a goalie if you have to wear a crash helmet. 510 00:30:13,020 --> 00:30:14,500 It's amazing, man. 511 00:30:16,180 --> 00:30:18,620 Can I go in and try and save one? 512 00:30:18,620 --> 00:30:20,100 It'll be safe? 513 00:30:24,540 --> 00:30:26,140 Fucking hell. 514 00:30:26,140 --> 00:30:30,100 MUSIC: Night on Bald Mountain by Modest Mussorgsky 515 00:30:32,420 --> 00:30:34,220 It's really painful to save. 516 00:30:39,780 --> 00:30:41,300 It's fucking massive! 517 00:30:52,260 --> 00:30:54,740 It's really fucking sore. 518 00:30:54,740 --> 00:30:56,620 Oh, fuck. 519 00:31:01,900 --> 00:31:05,540 That's it. 520 00:31:05,540 --> 00:31:07,020 Sore! 521 00:31:07,020 --> 00:31:09,220 Those balls are really heavy. 522 00:31:11,020 --> 00:31:14,140 When you get behind them, man, they hurt. 523 00:31:28,100 --> 00:31:30,460 Russia may be struggling at actual football, 524 00:31:30,460 --> 00:31:34,580 but when it comes to motoball, it enjoys international dominance. 525 00:31:36,380 --> 00:31:39,460 It's weird, isn't it, because I thought it was an amateur thing 526 00:31:39,460 --> 00:31:42,140 we were coming to, do you know what I mean, and it would be 527 00:31:42,140 --> 00:31:43,340 a bit scrappy and stuff, 528 00:31:43,340 --> 00:31:46,180 but they're actually full-on brilliant at it, aren't they? 529 00:31:49,300 --> 00:31:51,820 Wonder what the injury lists are like in this game. 530 00:31:53,300 --> 00:31:57,620 Ilovic is missing this season as he has lost both legs at the knee. 531 00:32:03,100 --> 00:32:05,100 I noticed a lot of this, man. 532 00:32:05,100 --> 00:32:08,060 Just a lot of...you need to be able to do this 533 00:32:08,060 --> 00:32:12,300 and get it behind you because the bike is going so fast. 534 00:32:16,740 --> 00:32:17,740 Yeah, yeah. 535 00:32:21,260 --> 00:32:23,060 I noticed, as well... 536 00:32:26,780 --> 00:32:28,180 Huh? 537 00:32:33,500 --> 00:32:35,140 Oh, you can do it? 538 00:32:35,140 --> 00:32:36,140 Ah, right. 539 00:32:37,940 --> 00:32:39,500 No, man... 540 00:32:44,260 --> 00:32:47,500 Some of my team-mates are whisking me off for a post-match surprise. 541 00:32:51,740 --> 00:32:53,380 This is a banya, 542 00:32:53,380 --> 00:32:57,900 and what happens here is that we get really, really hot 543 00:32:57,900 --> 00:33:01,740 and then we get some leaves out, or some sticks, essentially, 544 00:33:01,740 --> 00:33:04,100 and I will be beaten with these sticks, 545 00:33:04,100 --> 00:33:06,580 and then I have to jump into a plunge pool. 546 00:33:06,580 --> 00:33:08,460 It apparently gives you a real high. 547 00:33:13,180 --> 00:33:15,180 This is a venik massage. 548 00:33:15,180 --> 00:33:18,780 Being brushed with a leafy bundle of twigs will boost my circulation, 549 00:33:18,780 --> 00:33:20,580 slow down the ageing process 550 00:33:20,580 --> 00:33:23,500 and soften me up for the beating that lies ahead. 551 00:33:48,220 --> 00:33:50,180 He's saying, give it to him. 552 00:34:01,700 --> 00:34:03,420 My instincts were correct. 553 00:34:04,980 --> 00:34:07,220 This is very important. 554 00:34:12,780 --> 00:34:15,140 I don't have to jump in the pool? 555 00:34:17,300 --> 00:34:19,860 I am Russian - jump, jump, jump. 556 00:34:19,860 --> 00:34:21,420 The Russians jump in. 557 00:34:28,180 --> 00:34:31,100 Ready, go! 558 00:34:38,060 --> 00:34:40,460 My friend. 559 00:34:40,460 --> 00:34:42,620 Thanks, man. Cheers. 560 00:34:48,580 --> 00:34:50,260 Thanks, man. 561 00:34:50,260 --> 00:34:52,620 Lots of Russians have banyas in their homes. 562 00:34:52,620 --> 00:34:54,100 They are a great way to bond. 563 00:34:55,700 --> 00:34:59,180 You like...what sports? 564 00:34:59,180 --> 00:35:03,380 Football. Everyone in Scotland is obsessed with football. 565 00:35:03,380 --> 00:35:06,460 Soccer. Yeah, totally. 566 00:35:06,460 --> 00:35:08,340 Cricket? 567 00:35:08,340 --> 00:35:10,500 Not cricket. Hate cricket. 568 00:35:17,060 --> 00:35:18,980 Wife, wife? Is that what this is about? 569 00:35:18,980 --> 00:35:20,860 Would I be here if I had a woman? 570 00:35:23,900 --> 00:35:29,300 # From Russia with love... # 571 00:35:31,580 --> 00:35:36,500 That was the banya, which had mild homoerotic undertones... 572 00:35:36,500 --> 00:35:39,460 ..and overtones, to be quite honest. 573 00:35:39,460 --> 00:35:42,420 I wonder if it is good for your circulation, 574 00:35:42,420 --> 00:35:45,540 or if two guys were surprised doing it one day 575 00:35:45,540 --> 00:35:48,420 and claimed it was for their circulation. 576 00:35:48,420 --> 00:35:50,460 That's how it took off. 577 00:35:50,460 --> 00:35:53,820 It's the one part of the trip I felt really confident about, 578 00:35:53,820 --> 00:35:57,780 because when you're touring as a comedian in theatres, 579 00:35:57,780 --> 00:36:00,620 you have to have follow spots on you, 580 00:36:00,620 --> 00:36:03,620 so it gets really, really hot on stage, 581 00:36:03,620 --> 00:36:06,780 so when I'm touring I'm always in saunas, 582 00:36:06,780 --> 00:36:12,180 so the rest of my body is shot, but my circulation has to work. 583 00:36:19,820 --> 00:36:23,260 Next stop, St Petersburg, the World Cup host city 584 00:36:23,260 --> 00:36:25,660 and Russia's cultural capital. 585 00:36:33,060 --> 00:36:36,940 This is Saint Isaac's Cathedral and that's St Petersburg. 586 00:36:36,940 --> 00:36:39,380 People from St Petersburg say that if you come up here 587 00:36:39,380 --> 00:36:42,060 at a different hour in the day, you see a different city, 588 00:36:42,060 --> 00:36:45,300 because of the way the light hits all the different domes and stuff, 589 00:36:45,300 --> 00:36:47,140 so you could imagine in the World Cup, 590 00:36:47,140 --> 00:36:49,700 when it's going to be the white night period 591 00:36:49,700 --> 00:36:51,260 when it never really gets dark 592 00:36:51,260 --> 00:36:54,860 how amazing some of the views are going to be from here. 593 00:36:54,860 --> 00:36:57,780 This cathedral was finished in 1858, 594 00:36:57,780 --> 00:37:01,500 then the Communists turned it into a museum of atheism. 595 00:37:03,980 --> 00:37:07,580 So, you can see behind me, we've got Russian icons, 596 00:37:07,580 --> 00:37:09,460 these were done in the 19th century, 597 00:37:09,460 --> 00:37:13,420 so it's an updated version, by which time they've incorporated 598 00:37:13,420 --> 00:37:15,660 Western traditions and Catholicism 599 00:37:15,660 --> 00:37:17,620 and a couple on either side of the door, there, 600 00:37:17,620 --> 00:37:19,060 with the Virgin Mary and Jesus, 601 00:37:19,060 --> 00:37:22,820 you could see them probably in a Catholic church back home. 602 00:37:22,820 --> 00:37:25,340 I know that's not what you're expecting 603 00:37:25,340 --> 00:37:28,420 from a World Cup warm-up show, but allow it. 604 00:37:35,540 --> 00:37:38,980 Communism might have turned this place into a museum of atheism, 605 00:37:38,980 --> 00:37:43,980 but capitalism put a gift shop underneath the resurrection. 606 00:37:45,100 --> 00:37:46,940 Swings and roundabouts. 607 00:37:52,820 --> 00:37:56,780 St Petersburg is the birthplace of Russian football. 608 00:37:56,780 --> 00:38:00,420 The game was introduced to Russia just over 106 years ago 609 00:38:00,420 --> 00:38:03,180 by a Scotsman called Arthur MacPherson. 610 00:38:05,940 --> 00:38:08,740 To find out more, I've come to visit a football collector 611 00:38:08,740 --> 00:38:11,580 who knows more about the game than anyone else in Russia. 612 00:38:14,740 --> 00:38:16,460 Vladimir. 613 00:38:17,980 --> 00:38:20,660 I don't understand collecting football memorabilia 614 00:38:20,660 --> 00:38:23,780 when there's so much good Nazi medical equipment on the market... 615 00:38:24,900 --> 00:38:28,220 ..but I'm grateful to Vladimir Falin for taking me into his flat, 616 00:38:28,220 --> 00:38:31,860 which is a virtual museum of Russian football history. 617 00:38:33,140 --> 00:38:34,860 You've done this your whole life? 618 00:38:34,860 --> 00:38:37,380 You've always collected football memorabilia. 619 00:38:49,180 --> 00:38:51,340 I think we could all write a book called that. 620 00:38:53,900 --> 00:38:57,220 English football fans will be interested to know that Vladimir 621 00:38:57,220 --> 00:39:00,980 has a stamp celebrating their country's World Cup victory. 622 00:39:02,460 --> 00:39:05,420 World Cup 1966, that's a commemorative stamp there. 623 00:39:05,420 --> 00:39:08,300 They should have had a ball bouncing just on a line 624 00:39:08,300 --> 00:39:09,940 it clearly didn't go over. 625 00:39:09,940 --> 00:39:11,940 A blind linesman. 626 00:39:11,940 --> 00:39:14,500 Vlad also has evidence of a Russian team's 627 00:39:14,500 --> 00:39:16,420 first-ever visit to Scotland. 628 00:39:21,060 --> 00:39:23,220 Rangers versus Moscow Dynamo. 629 00:39:23,220 --> 00:39:25,500 It was at the end of the war. 1945. 630 00:39:25,500 --> 00:39:26,980 "We are very proud of the honour 631 00:39:26,980 --> 00:39:28,980 "of entertaining our guests and war allies." 632 00:39:30,660 --> 00:39:33,380 See how much better Russian and Britain got on before the Cold War. 633 00:39:41,460 --> 00:39:44,900 I think it's a fascinating historical document. 634 00:39:44,900 --> 00:39:46,700 Oh, I want to check they got beat. 635 00:39:46,700 --> 00:39:48,340 What was the score in this one? 636 00:39:53,300 --> 00:39:54,940 Looks like Vlad's on a roll now. 637 00:40:00,060 --> 00:40:04,740 At Hampden, 1967. We would have had a really good team then. 638 00:40:06,820 --> 00:40:11,260 How did we do? We are at home, we lost 2-0. 639 00:40:11,260 --> 00:40:13,180 In 1967, we were good then! 640 00:40:15,940 --> 00:40:18,820 At last, Vlad addresses the reason I am here to see him 641 00:40:18,820 --> 00:40:22,220 and introduces me to the Scot that brought football to Russia, 642 00:40:22,220 --> 00:40:23,340 Arthur MacPherson. 643 00:40:25,820 --> 00:40:28,860 Businessmen, philanthropist, head of many sports organisations 644 00:40:28,860 --> 00:40:32,300 and unions, he devoted all his life to the development of Russian sport. 645 00:40:44,820 --> 00:40:47,260 Arthur was from a Scottish family of ex-pats 646 00:40:47,260 --> 00:40:49,180 and became the first president 647 00:40:49,180 --> 00:40:51,620 of Russia's football Federation in 1912. 648 00:40:53,980 --> 00:40:57,660 He's quite stocky for a footballer, Arthur MacPherson. 649 00:41:08,700 --> 00:41:10,900 That's enough of me trying to shoehorn Scotland 650 00:41:10,900 --> 00:41:12,580 into Russia's World Cup. 651 00:41:12,580 --> 00:41:15,100 Here's a scene I want to shoehorn into this programme. 652 00:41:16,820 --> 00:41:21,140 Tomorrow, I've kind of got a half day off 653 00:41:21,140 --> 00:41:24,260 and I'm going to go souvenir shopping, 654 00:41:24,260 --> 00:41:26,860 the kids want some souvenirs. 655 00:41:26,860 --> 00:41:29,100 I always think it's quite a... 656 00:41:29,100 --> 00:41:33,060 ..it's quite a middle-class, working-class division, souvenirs, 657 00:41:33,060 --> 00:41:35,420 because if you're middle-class, 658 00:41:35,420 --> 00:41:40,420 a souvenir is something you buy for yourself, a conversation piece. 659 00:41:40,420 --> 00:41:42,420 "That tribal mask, oh, yeah. 660 00:41:42,420 --> 00:41:46,980 "It was a nightmare getting it shipped over here, the insurance," 661 00:41:46,980 --> 00:41:50,820 all that kind of thing, whereas if you're working class, 662 00:41:50,820 --> 00:41:55,820 a souvenir is something that someone else, that one of your family, 663 00:41:55,820 --> 00:42:00,300 bring you back from holiday as a memento of a trip 664 00:42:00,300 --> 00:42:03,340 that you weren't on, you know what I mean? 665 00:42:03,340 --> 00:42:05,300 "What's that on your wall?" 666 00:42:05,300 --> 00:42:07,740 "I don't know, my mum went to Mexico. 667 00:42:07,740 --> 00:42:10,100 "Don't touch it, I think it plays a tune." 668 00:42:13,060 --> 00:42:14,900 MUSIC: Danse des Mirlitons by Tchaikovsky 669 00:42:14,900 --> 00:42:18,380 Right, back to where we're supposed to be - St Petersburg. 670 00:42:18,380 --> 00:42:20,740 Every World Cup needs an animal oracle. 671 00:42:20,740 --> 00:42:23,860 In South Africa, there was Paul the Octopus. 672 00:42:23,860 --> 00:42:26,700 In Brazil, Norman the Armadillo, 673 00:42:26,700 --> 00:42:29,980 and in Russia, it's Achilles the Cat. 674 00:42:29,980 --> 00:42:31,740 Achilles is one of 75 cats 675 00:42:31,740 --> 00:42:35,820 living in St Petersburg's world famous Hermitage Museum, 676 00:42:35,820 --> 00:42:38,780 but he's the only one with the power to see into the future. 677 00:42:44,460 --> 00:42:47,340 We're here to meet Achilles the oracular cat 678 00:42:47,340 --> 00:42:51,460 who's had some success in predicting the Confederations Cup. 679 00:42:51,460 --> 00:42:56,500 We're quite excited to see if we can harness his psychic powers 680 00:42:56,500 --> 00:42:58,340 for our own use. 681 00:42:58,340 --> 00:43:02,500 Apparently, Achilles only developed his ability to tell the future 682 00:43:02,500 --> 00:43:04,460 after he was castrated. 683 00:43:04,460 --> 00:43:06,620 If only he'd developed it the day before, 684 00:43:06,620 --> 00:43:09,820 he'd have known not to get in the car. 685 00:43:09,820 --> 00:43:14,060 We've decided to ask him here today who's going to win World War III - 686 00:43:14,060 --> 00:43:17,140 will it be Russia or will it be the United States? 687 00:43:21,980 --> 00:43:23,300 Achilles. 688 00:43:26,780 --> 00:43:28,860 Achilles sat in his tent. 689 00:43:31,140 --> 00:43:35,140 You've swapped them round now, that's the United States. 690 00:43:35,140 --> 00:43:38,780 If I have to do this, I'm taking it seriously... 691 00:43:42,860 --> 00:43:44,620 ..but Achilles obviously isn't. 692 00:43:44,620 --> 00:43:46,220 It's time to give up... 693 00:43:52,060 --> 00:43:53,820 ..but my director has other ideas. 694 00:43:56,300 --> 00:43:59,420 This is a 45-year-old man genuinely thinking, 695 00:43:59,420 --> 00:44:02,740 "If I eat both bowls of cat food, can we leave?" 696 00:44:09,100 --> 00:44:11,460 There we have it - Russian victory in World War III. 697 00:44:11,460 --> 00:44:13,060 It's what the West deserves. 698 00:44:13,060 --> 00:44:14,940 HE CHIRPS 699 00:44:14,940 --> 00:44:17,460 CAT MEOWS 700 00:44:24,580 --> 00:44:26,700 I've really enjoyed my time in St Petersburg. 701 00:44:26,700 --> 00:44:28,180 They often talk, don't they, 702 00:44:28,180 --> 00:44:31,820 about a World Cup or an Olympics opening a country up to tourism? 703 00:44:31,820 --> 00:44:34,580 But in Russia, you feel that it could really happen. 704 00:44:35,860 --> 00:44:38,740 Also, it's very cheap here for Westerners. 705 00:44:38,740 --> 00:44:40,980 The rouble has crashed a couple of times - 706 00:44:40,980 --> 00:44:43,140 the first time on the back of gas prices, 707 00:44:43,140 --> 00:44:46,060 then the second time on the back of sanctions. 708 00:44:46,060 --> 00:44:50,300 So, while we are all trembling on the brink of World War III, 709 00:44:50,300 --> 00:44:52,060 the silver lining is, 710 00:44:52,060 --> 00:44:55,020 snacks here are very cheap. 711 00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:04,340 There's free train travel for away fans in the World Cup, 712 00:45:04,340 --> 00:45:06,540 and you know there's a certain type of England fan 713 00:45:06,540 --> 00:45:08,580 who could watch England win the World Cup 714 00:45:08,580 --> 00:45:09,900 and all they'd talk about 715 00:45:09,900 --> 00:45:12,740 was the time they didn't have to pay for a train in Russia. 716 00:45:12,740 --> 00:45:15,060 I'm heading out to a town called Repino, 717 00:45:15,060 --> 00:45:17,460 where the England team will soon be based. 718 00:45:17,460 --> 00:45:20,180 It hasn't gone down that well in the British press. 719 00:45:20,180 --> 00:45:22,420 Some people are saying that the facilities in Repino 720 00:45:22,420 --> 00:45:23,980 aren't good enough for the World Cup. 721 00:45:23,980 --> 00:45:26,820 Although you'd have thought not being good enough for the World Cup 722 00:45:26,820 --> 00:45:28,820 would suit England right down to the ground. 723 00:45:34,020 --> 00:45:36,660 Repino is a village tucked away on the Gulf of Finland. 724 00:45:37,820 --> 00:45:39,620 It's a lively weekend resort 725 00:45:39,620 --> 00:45:41,700 for wealthy residents of St Petersburg, 726 00:45:41,700 --> 00:45:43,820 who escape here in the summer 727 00:45:43,820 --> 00:45:46,860 for its golden beaches and clear, blue waters. 728 00:45:51,820 --> 00:45:54,020 But in the winter, it's very different. 729 00:45:55,980 --> 00:45:57,140 This... 730 00:45:58,500 --> 00:46:00,060 ..is the sea. 731 00:46:01,820 --> 00:46:05,500 Repino is less than 500 miles from the Arctic Circle. 732 00:46:05,500 --> 00:46:08,820 Its sea can be frozen for as long as five months of the year... 733 00:46:09,980 --> 00:46:12,740 ..but that doesn't mean I want to risk walking on it. 734 00:46:14,060 --> 00:46:17,980 If the ice cracks, we all drown. 735 00:46:17,980 --> 00:46:20,180 A professional operation. 736 00:46:20,180 --> 00:46:21,780 You couldn't drown here. 737 00:46:21,780 --> 00:46:25,060 You might do. It's just a tiny bit of water. We don't know that. 738 00:46:25,060 --> 00:46:27,380 We don't know. Literally no idea. 739 00:46:27,380 --> 00:46:31,060 How many people have said that, just before they drowned horribly? 740 00:46:35,580 --> 00:46:37,340 LOUD CRACK 741 00:46:35,580 --> 00:46:37,340 Fucking hell! 742 00:46:39,700 --> 00:46:41,060 This is the sea! 743 00:46:43,740 --> 00:46:47,660 Sports journalist Ivan Zhidkov has lived in Repino all his life. 744 00:46:48,900 --> 00:46:50,660 I only trust the ice if you're on it. 745 00:46:52,100 --> 00:46:56,260 He's braced for the English invasion at this year's World Cup. 746 00:46:56,260 --> 00:46:59,180 It's crazy to think that in a few months, there's going to be, like, 747 00:46:59,180 --> 00:47:02,780 England fans sleeping it off on this beach, isn't it? 748 00:47:02,780 --> 00:47:06,580 Yeah, it will be umbrellas, sun umbrellas over there - 749 00:47:06,580 --> 00:47:09,380 and people are going to be swimming here. 750 00:47:09,380 --> 00:47:13,380 So, er, it will be a good advantage 751 00:47:13,380 --> 00:47:16,340 for Russian and English people to meet each other. 752 00:47:16,340 --> 00:47:18,660 I have a feeling if the results go the wrong way, 753 00:47:18,660 --> 00:47:21,020 this beach could be like the D-Day Landings. 754 00:47:24,260 --> 00:47:26,300 Do the people of Repino really know 755 00:47:26,300 --> 00:47:29,380 what they're letting themselves in for this summer - 756 00:47:29,380 --> 00:47:32,500 particularly following the spy poisoning scandal? 757 00:47:35,140 --> 00:47:37,820 I-I'm sure that most of people in Russia 758 00:47:37,820 --> 00:47:40,540 even cannot understand what's going on. 759 00:47:40,540 --> 00:47:43,180 This poisoning. So, whom poisoning... 760 00:47:43,180 --> 00:47:45,540 Who poisoned and why? 761 00:47:45,540 --> 00:47:48,580 So, and I'm totally sure... 762 00:47:48,580 --> 00:47:51,700 ..that the same is in UK. Yeah. 763 00:47:51,700 --> 00:47:55,780 But I think it's... It has nothing with football. 764 00:47:55,780 --> 00:47:59,540 So, I'm pretty sure that it will be hype about that 765 00:47:59,540 --> 00:48:02,420 until the first kick-off whistle. Yeah. 766 00:48:02,420 --> 00:48:06,100 After the first kick-off whistle, it will be silent and only football. 767 00:48:08,500 --> 00:48:11,900 Ivan wants to show me where the England team will be training. 768 00:48:11,900 --> 00:48:15,460 The ground has been specially chosen by Gareth Southgate 769 00:48:15,460 --> 00:48:19,180 because it's remote, far away from the prying eyes of the press, 770 00:48:19,180 --> 00:48:21,300 and has round-the-clock security... 771 00:48:22,900 --> 00:48:24,260 ..but there's a problem. 772 00:48:25,300 --> 00:48:27,020 The fence is too wee. 773 00:48:30,460 --> 00:48:31,660 So, this is it. 774 00:48:33,140 --> 00:48:35,980 You can see how they're a bit worried about the fence. 775 00:48:35,980 --> 00:48:37,580 You can see in. 776 00:48:37,580 --> 00:48:43,620 It's very easy to get in and to get all secrets from tactics and all... 777 00:48:43,780 --> 00:48:46,500 Do you think they'll raise it before the World Cup? 778 00:48:46,500 --> 00:48:48,300 I think they have to do it. Yeah. 779 00:48:53,020 --> 00:48:55,500 I'm not sure the England players will enjoy getting papped 780 00:48:55,500 --> 00:48:57,700 practising free kicks. 781 00:48:57,700 --> 00:49:00,540 Besides, if the press want to surprise them, 782 00:49:00,540 --> 00:49:02,100 they know exactly where to go. 783 00:49:03,380 --> 00:49:05,580 This is Repino's only nightclub. 784 00:49:09,500 --> 00:49:12,100 It's called Zaliv, meaning "gulf". 785 00:49:12,100 --> 00:49:13,580 As in the gulf between 786 00:49:13,580 --> 00:49:16,100 what you hoped the inside of the club might look like... 787 00:49:16,100 --> 00:49:18,340 ..and reality. 788 00:49:18,340 --> 00:49:20,420 DANCE MUSIC PLAYS 789 00:49:20,420 --> 00:49:23,140 Russian people are tremendously non-judgemental 790 00:49:23,140 --> 00:49:25,460 about the fact that you don't speak Russian. 791 00:49:27,780 --> 00:49:30,780 Aye-aye. Could I get a Coke Zero? 792 00:49:30,780 --> 00:49:34,340 A Coke Light? Coca Light? Coca-Cola...? 793 00:49:35,900 --> 00:49:37,460 Even if they don't speak English, 794 00:49:37,460 --> 00:49:40,180 they'll still try to communicate with you very patiently. 795 00:49:40,180 --> 00:49:42,180 That morning, I'd had a waitress explain 796 00:49:42,180 --> 00:49:43,900 that the omelette was on special, 797 00:49:43,900 --> 00:49:45,980 entirely through the medium of charades. 798 00:49:49,500 --> 00:49:53,300 It sort of feels like quite a downbeat wedding in here. 799 00:49:53,300 --> 00:49:55,780 Like a second marriage or something. 800 00:49:57,900 --> 00:50:00,540 MUSIC: I Wanna Dance with Somebody by Whitney Houston 801 00:50:05,620 --> 00:50:05,700 This is actually how all nightclubs look when you're not drinking. 802 00:50:05,700 --> 00:50:08,940 This is actually how all nightclubs look when you're not drinking. 803 00:50:08,940 --> 00:50:11,420 Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, 804 00:50:11,420 --> 00:50:13,740 and it's hard to be judgmental about anyone 805 00:50:13,740 --> 00:50:16,380 who manages to have a good time on a frozen tundra. 806 00:50:20,740 --> 00:50:25,820 # Clock strikes upon the hour And the sun begins to fade... # 807 00:50:25,940 --> 00:50:27,500 That's Repino's nightclub, 808 00:50:27,500 --> 00:50:31,180 and nothing has ever so perfectly captured the spirit 809 00:50:31,180 --> 00:50:33,900 of last orders at your cousin's wedding. 810 00:50:33,900 --> 00:50:35,660 I really enjoyed it. 811 00:50:35,660 --> 00:50:38,220 Some older ladies with a lot of stamina there - 812 00:50:38,220 --> 00:50:40,620 and some guys turning up without a jacket, 813 00:50:40,620 --> 00:50:44,420 despite the fact that just across the car park, the sea is frozen. 814 00:50:44,420 --> 00:50:47,060 You can pretty much walk to Finland from here, 815 00:50:47,060 --> 00:50:49,020 and a guy just had a jumper on. 816 00:50:49,020 --> 00:50:52,540 I think it's a really good choice of base for England, 817 00:50:52,540 --> 00:50:55,220 cos England's perennial problem in tournaments 818 00:50:55,220 --> 00:50:56,620 is that their squad 819 00:50:56,620 --> 00:51:00,700 tends to be a bunch of inhibition-free sexual buccaneers, 820 00:51:00,700 --> 00:51:03,460 and this should put a cork in it. 821 00:51:20,380 --> 00:51:22,100 Today is election day. 822 00:51:22,100 --> 00:51:25,740 Over the next 22 hours, Russians across the country's 11 time zones 823 00:51:25,740 --> 00:51:28,100 will be voting for their next president... 824 00:51:29,940 --> 00:51:33,900 ..but you don't have to be Achilles the Oracle Cat to know who will win. 825 00:51:41,060 --> 00:51:46,340 Amazingly, the crew and I can just wander in, no questions asked. 826 00:51:46,500 --> 00:51:49,500 This is a Russian polling station. Pretty busy. 827 00:51:59,620 --> 00:52:02,420 There might be eight candidates at this year's election, 828 00:52:02,420 --> 00:52:04,380 but there's only going to be one winner. 829 00:52:04,380 --> 00:52:07,700 Vladimir Putin has won Russia's last three elections, 830 00:52:07,700 --> 00:52:10,180 despite having the name of a gay porn star. 831 00:52:13,380 --> 00:52:16,220 Russians are still coming to terms with democracy. 832 00:52:16,220 --> 00:52:18,820 It's very much a managed democracy - 833 00:52:18,820 --> 00:52:21,060 and in this managed democracy, 834 00:52:21,060 --> 00:52:23,380 Putin has managed to be in power for 18 years. 835 00:52:25,580 --> 00:52:28,460 I'm a musician, 65 years. 836 00:52:28,460 --> 00:52:32,380 Now I have 77. Wow. 837 00:52:32,380 --> 00:52:35,020 You are look very nice, you are young... 838 00:52:35,020 --> 00:52:36,700 I'm not, I'm 45. ..young boy. 839 00:52:36,700 --> 00:52:38,540 OK, put it in my hand! 840 00:52:38,540 --> 00:52:40,620 OK? 841 00:52:40,620 --> 00:52:45,260 HE PLAYS LA MARSEILLAISE 842 00:52:45,260 --> 00:52:46,620 Outside the polling station, 843 00:52:46,620 --> 00:52:49,900 an old man decides to play me the French national anthem, 844 00:52:49,900 --> 00:52:51,700 for reasons that remain unclear. 845 00:52:53,180 --> 00:52:55,220 HE CONTINUES TO PLAY 846 00:53:10,060 --> 00:53:11,540 So, that's the polling station, 847 00:53:11,540 --> 00:53:14,340 and for all we've heard about there's worries about turnout 848 00:53:14,340 --> 00:53:16,900 and people we've met have said they weren't voting, 849 00:53:16,900 --> 00:53:18,780 it seems really busy here. 850 00:53:18,780 --> 00:53:20,300 Lots of... 851 00:53:20,300 --> 00:53:22,460 Lots of really old people, lots of people who don't 852 00:53:22,460 --> 00:53:24,780 look like they'd survive these kind of winters. 853 00:53:24,780 --> 00:53:29,620 Lots of families, the occasional trumpeter... 854 00:53:30,820 --> 00:53:32,980 ..but you can see on the way here, I mean, 855 00:53:32,980 --> 00:53:36,420 it's snow all around here and it's just absolutely spotless 856 00:53:36,420 --> 00:53:39,860 at the polling station, so they really want people to vote. 857 00:53:39,860 --> 00:53:43,300 Then a group of women insist on taking me somewhere. 858 00:53:43,300 --> 00:53:45,700 It's very interesting, it's five minutes. 859 00:53:45,700 --> 00:53:48,260 OK, you want to show us the exhibition? Cool. 860 00:53:48,260 --> 00:53:50,100 THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN 861 00:53:50,100 --> 00:53:51,740 I have no idea where we're going. 862 00:54:03,940 --> 00:54:06,540 SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN 863 00:54:08,980 --> 00:54:11,300 SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN 864 00:54:13,860 --> 00:54:16,660 Ah, it's all papier mache? Da, da. Yeah. 865 00:54:16,660 --> 00:54:20,300 It's a papier mache exhibition of children's art. 866 00:54:22,740 --> 00:54:25,460 It's kind of amazing, for kids, isn't it? 867 00:54:27,900 --> 00:54:30,220 You can see the impact the Second World War 868 00:54:30,220 --> 00:54:31,980 still has on the Russian psyche. 869 00:54:34,020 --> 00:54:37,220 A lot of this children's art is really quite dark! 870 00:54:38,620 --> 00:54:41,100 "Children, for this year's project, 871 00:54:41,100 --> 00:54:43,740 "the A group will focus on famine, 872 00:54:43,740 --> 00:54:47,140 "and groups B and C, war and death." 873 00:54:55,340 --> 00:54:57,980 That's particularly sinister. 874 00:54:57,980 --> 00:55:01,540 Seems to be a couple of dead kids. 875 00:55:01,540 --> 00:55:05,020 It's not every day you get to see famine, war and death 876 00:55:05,020 --> 00:55:08,500 realised through the medium of glue and toilet paper. 877 00:55:23,380 --> 00:55:26,500 FIREWORKS CRACKLE AND WHISTLE 878 00:55:26,500 --> 00:55:27,900 I'm leaving Russia 879 00:55:27,900 --> 00:55:31,460 just as Vladimir Putin is entering his fourth term in office, 880 00:55:31,460 --> 00:55:35,700 after storming the elections with a whopping 77% of the vote. 881 00:55:42,540 --> 00:55:44,860 CHEERING 882 00:55:48,380 --> 00:55:52,060 Next chapter for Russia, the World Cup 2018. 883 00:55:53,700 --> 00:55:55,500 It's been a great trip to Russia, 884 00:55:55,500 --> 00:55:57,180 and what stood out for me 885 00:55:57,180 --> 00:56:00,460 is the warmth and the openness of the Russian people - 886 00:56:00,460 --> 00:56:04,580 but you can't judge a society by how people behave towards you. 887 00:56:04,580 --> 00:56:06,980 I mean, American people are very, very, friendly. 888 00:56:06,980 --> 00:56:10,140 Americans are friendly because they have all the stuff, 889 00:56:10,140 --> 00:56:12,060 and because they're on medication... 890 00:56:12,060 --> 00:56:14,820 ..and because they're worried that you might have a gun. 891 00:56:14,820 --> 00:56:17,220 But American society is pretty messed up. 892 00:56:17,220 --> 00:56:19,980 And Russian society is also pretty messed up. 893 00:56:23,700 --> 00:56:27,140 Sometimes, when I was interviewing pretty normal people, 894 00:56:27,140 --> 00:56:29,380 they'd stop in the middle of the interview 895 00:56:29,380 --> 00:56:32,260 and make it clear that they weren't criticising Russia, 896 00:56:32,260 --> 00:56:35,260 or that they weren't criticising the authorities. 897 00:56:35,260 --> 00:56:37,180 And that to me seems a sign 898 00:56:37,180 --> 00:56:40,540 of a pretty repressive, authoritarian regime. 899 00:56:43,260 --> 00:56:45,940 Look, I know this is just a wee show about the World Cup. 900 00:56:45,940 --> 00:56:48,500 A lot of you have just tuned in to see the stadiums, right? 901 00:56:48,500 --> 00:56:50,940 But let's talk about othering. 902 00:56:50,940 --> 00:56:55,580 Othering is the idea that, often for political purposes, 903 00:56:55,580 --> 00:56:58,780 we create a group of people who are an "out" group, 904 00:56:58,780 --> 00:57:01,100 who are the people who are totally different, 905 00:57:01,100 --> 00:57:03,260 totally alien to ourselves... 906 00:57:05,100 --> 00:57:07,860 ..and I think it's a mistake to do that with Russia, 907 00:57:07,860 --> 00:57:10,780 because the idea that Russia is uniquely corrupt, 908 00:57:10,780 --> 00:57:13,500 or is uniquely insular, 909 00:57:13,500 --> 00:57:15,900 or uniquely resistant to democracy, 910 00:57:15,900 --> 00:57:19,020 that's the same idea that Vladimir Putin uses 911 00:57:19,020 --> 00:57:20,740 to control the society. 912 00:57:22,220 --> 00:57:26,180 The things that we say to paint Russia as an official enemy 913 00:57:26,180 --> 00:57:28,940 are exactly the same things that Putin says 914 00:57:28,940 --> 00:57:32,620 to create a picture of a society under siege. 915 00:57:32,620 --> 00:57:35,100 During the Cold War, it suited both sides 916 00:57:35,100 --> 00:57:37,700 to call what was happening here socialism, 917 00:57:37,700 --> 00:57:41,020 even though it didn't look like any definition of socialism 918 00:57:41,020 --> 00:57:42,540 that there had ever been - 919 00:57:42,540 --> 00:57:45,140 but it suited them both to say that it was, 920 00:57:45,140 --> 00:57:47,820 and now I think it suits both sides 921 00:57:47,820 --> 00:57:50,820 to pretend that Russia has completely different values 922 00:57:50,820 --> 00:57:52,580 to the rest of Europe, 923 00:57:52,580 --> 00:57:55,300 and to be honest, I just don't think that that's true. 924 00:57:56,860 --> 00:57:59,300 Anyway, it's been a fun trip... 925 00:57:59,300 --> 00:58:02,460 ..but to be honest, I've been on the road for three weeks, 926 00:58:02,460 --> 00:58:04,500 I've got a stinking cold, 927 00:58:04,500 --> 00:58:07,580 and I'm really looking forward to watching the World Cup 928 00:58:07,580 --> 00:58:09,820 at home, on my own sofa. 929 00:58:11,020 --> 00:58:12,460 Fuck this place.