1
00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:34,020
They call me Richard Ayoade

2
00:00:34,020 --> 00:00:37,260
and as well as being
a distilled blast of Yuletide fun,

3
00:00:37,260 --> 00:00:38,980
I am now the full legal owner

4
00:00:38,980 --> 00:00:42,220
of yet another in a
lifelong series of Christmas trees.

5
00:00:42,220 --> 00:00:46,340
With just a scattering of gadgetry,
I've harvested this optimum specimen

6
00:00:46,340 --> 00:00:48,660
which I can now transport to my crib

7
00:00:48,660 --> 00:00:52,100
like a boss. Let the wild
Xmas-based rumpus begin.

8
00:00:54,660 --> 00:00:56,740
'And begin it must, because tonight,

9
00:00:56,740 --> 00:00:59,300
'with the aide of
companions both qualified...'

10
00:00:59,300 --> 00:01:01,180
You look like the man
from Milk Tray.

11
00:01:01,180 --> 00:01:03,140
'..unqualified...

12
00:01:03,140 --> 00:01:04,660
'but crucially available...'

13
00:01:04,660 --> 00:01:07,740
In a way, this is the spirit
of Christmas right here.

14
00:01:07,740 --> 00:01:10,260
'..I will show how the perils,
prangs and probs...'

15
00:01:10,260 --> 00:01:11,540
Whoa! What?

16
00:01:11,540 --> 00:01:14,700
'..that may impede
your Christmas cheer can be crushed

17
00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,700
'with just a few choice gadgets.'

18
00:01:16,700 --> 00:01:18,660
Wow! What a rush.

19
00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:21,220
Hang up before this becomes
a story on the Daily Mail.

20
00:01:21,220 --> 00:01:22,780
Hang on! Wow. There we go.

21
00:01:22,780 --> 00:01:24,500
I applaud you, Richard Ayoade.

22
00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:31,740
As if it were
an almost annual occurrence,

23
00:01:31,740 --> 00:01:33,380
Christmas is upon us once more

24
00:01:33,380 --> 00:01:36,820
and although my tough-guy persona
might suggest otherwise,

25
00:01:36,820 --> 00:01:38,500
I'm very much pro-Yule.

26
00:01:38,500 --> 00:01:41,220
What I'm definitely con,
vis-a-vis said Yule,

27
00:01:41,220 --> 00:01:45,260
is the epic wave of faff that I must
rebuff during the festive build-up.

28
00:01:47,260 --> 00:01:51,500
Already-insane activities
such as shopping and entertaining

29
00:01:51,500 --> 00:01:54,820
are made even more unbearable
by a seasonal hysteria

30
00:01:54,820 --> 00:01:57,900
that can severely test
a brother's capacity for goodwill.

31
00:02:00,580 --> 00:02:02,020
As I shall demonstrate during

32
00:02:02,020 --> 00:02:04,340
this perhaps overlong
television broadcast,

33
00:02:04,340 --> 00:02:08,380
there is no aspect of Christmas that
technology cannot improve wildly,

34
00:02:08,380 --> 00:02:11,500
starting with the decoration
of my personal premises.

35
00:02:13,460 --> 00:02:16,020
# Chestnuts roasting
on an open fire... #

36
00:02:17,820 --> 00:02:20,620
Nat "King" Cole
would rigorously reject

37
00:02:20,620 --> 00:02:23,580
any Christmas chestnut
not roasted on one,

38
00:02:23,580 --> 00:02:24,660
but open fires

39
00:02:24,660 --> 00:02:26,900
have just been sent back
to the Stone Age,

40
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where they belong,
by this wi-fi connected

41
00:02:29,220 --> 00:02:30,700
bio-ethanol fireplace.

42
00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:33,260
Not only is this is this fire
smokeless and odourless,

43
00:02:33,260 --> 00:02:35,540
it burns only bio-ethanol vapours,

44
00:02:35,540 --> 00:02:39,060
plus I can also adjust the flame
size and burning time over wi-fi

45
00:02:39,060 --> 00:02:40,740
using my smartphone, which,

46
00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:43,820
even if you are using
a third-generation industrial

47
00:02:43,820 --> 00:02:46,940
manservant like Baxter
to roast your chestnuts,

48
00:02:46,940 --> 00:02:48,940
makes it that little bit easier.

49
00:02:48,940 --> 00:02:52,100
But how the rudd
can I place a star atop the tree

50
00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:55,700
without risking my physical
integrity by balancing precariously

51
00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:58,020
on an unsuitable item of furniture?

52
00:02:58,020 --> 00:03:00,660
By reaping the full rewards
of the recent advances

53
00:03:00,660 --> 00:03:03,580
in drone technology, that's how.

54
00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:06,140
MUSIC: Flight of the Bumblebee
by Rimsky-Korsakov

55
00:03:08,060 --> 00:03:10,180
Check my Multicopter Hexatron.

56
00:03:10,180 --> 00:03:13,380
Small enough to fly indoors,
it's quieter than a helicopter

57
00:03:13,380 --> 00:03:16,660
and its six-axis gyro makes it
perfect for the carrying

58
00:03:16,660 --> 00:03:18,780
and positioning of decorative tat.

59
00:03:25,660 --> 00:03:27,900
How was life even possible before?

60
00:03:31,460 --> 00:03:34,580
Would that I could just stay here
and enjoy the majesty.

61
00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:38,300
Alack, I cannot.

62
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Sources close to me tell me

63
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:43,620
there is considerable seasonal
pressure to buy gifts for others -

64
00:03:43,620 --> 00:03:46,420
in other words,
I must go Christmas shopping.

65
00:03:49,940 --> 00:03:51,740
Sadly, this is one activity

66
00:03:51,740 --> 00:03:54,740
that cannot always be accomplished
over the internet.

67
00:03:54,740 --> 00:03:58,500
It seems some workshy companies
won't even deliver on Christmas Day.

68
00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:03,780
So overwhelmed am I by the demands
of Yule that I need someone

69
00:04:03,780 --> 00:04:06,820
with an unfathomable commitment
to positivity for backup.

70
00:04:08,820 --> 00:04:12,620
'It's broadcasting's own
gift to the nation, Jonathan Ross.'

71
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:15,060
That is such an ostentatious lean.

72
00:04:15,060 --> 00:04:16,740
Well, I was waiting for my date.

73
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Well, I'm here.
Thank you for joining me.

74
00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:22,380
My pleasure. Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas to you. In advance.

75
00:04:22,380 --> 00:04:25,380
How do you find the Christmas
experience? I love it!

76
00:04:25,380 --> 00:04:28,740
You're an enthusiast. I like
the idea of gathering the gifts,

77
00:04:28,740 --> 00:04:31,180
I like the moment when
I can give them to people... Sure.

78
00:04:31,180 --> 00:04:34,380
But being in shops sometimes can
be a pain. It's crowded, it's hot,

79
00:04:34,380 --> 00:04:37,060
you don't know what to buy,
you have to queue up at the till.

80
00:04:37,060 --> 00:04:39,500
I don't enjoy that, no-one does.
Well, you can rest at ease

81
00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:41,220
because I've got an app

82
00:04:41,220 --> 00:04:43,300
called London Crowd.

83
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:44,580
I press on the cameras

84
00:04:44,580 --> 00:04:46,380
and I can see a live feed

85
00:04:46,380 --> 00:04:48,460
of what kind of human congestion
there is.

86
00:04:48,460 --> 00:04:50,980
Here's the thing. Go on.
By the time we've got over there,

87
00:04:50,980 --> 00:04:53,660
it may have changed. That's why
you'd have to keep the app open

88
00:04:53,660 --> 00:04:56,260
and look at it, rather than
engage with your surroundings.

89
00:04:56,260 --> 00:04:58,540
If you get halfway there and see
it gets more crowded,

90
00:04:58,540 --> 00:05:00,100
what do you do - turn back?
Turn back.

91
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,060
OK, it's comparatively useless,
really.

92
00:05:02,060 --> 00:05:04,460
For my needs, no.
You shut your stinking mouth.

93
00:05:04,460 --> 00:05:07,100
This is the most valuable
step forward since the wheel.

94
00:05:08,340 --> 00:05:09,820
'But if we do get caught out

95
00:05:09,820 --> 00:05:12,340
'and end up in a stormy swirl
of Christmas shoppers...'

96
00:05:12,340 --> 00:05:14,420
You need a sports periscope.

97
00:05:14,420 --> 00:05:16,340
'With adjustable magnification,

98
00:05:16,340 --> 00:05:19,420
'allowing you to see over
the heaving crowd, there's no way

99
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:21,460
'we can lose each other now.'

100
00:05:21,460 --> 00:05:23,860
Oh, well,
that's crystal clear there(!)

101
00:05:23,860 --> 00:05:25,260
I'm getting to the stage where

102
00:05:25,260 --> 00:05:28,180
I could do with these to read
the instructions on pill packets.

103
00:05:28,180 --> 00:05:30,580
That you keep very high up?
Could I try both?

104
00:05:31,820 --> 00:05:35,060
Now I've got it in stereo,
that's pretty good. That's good?

105
00:05:35,060 --> 00:05:38,180
'But how will we get to
our chosen shopping destination?

106
00:05:38,180 --> 00:05:40,820
'With the Navigate Jacket,
that's how.'

107
00:05:40,820 --> 00:05:42,860
And look at this -
I can also now look like

108
00:05:42,860 --> 00:05:44,340
I'm in Coldplay. Wow.

109
00:05:44,340 --> 00:05:47,500
So, if I press this,
it will tell you to turn right? Yeah.

110
00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:49,740
'Seamlessly integrating technology

111
00:05:49,740 --> 00:05:52,940
'with the latest fashion, it will
guide you to your destination.'

112
00:05:52,940 --> 00:05:54,340
Oh, now left?

113
00:05:54,340 --> 00:05:58,060
'Using a system of built-in LEDS
and vibration motors,

114
00:05:58,060 --> 00:06:00,300
'producing a wearable GPS system.'

115
00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:02,340
No, back, come... OK, right...

116
00:06:02,340 --> 00:06:05,420
Do you realise
these have no functionality?

117
00:06:05,420 --> 00:06:06,820
This is part of the design.

118
00:06:06,820 --> 00:06:08,820
Well, that's the look I associate
with you.

119
00:06:08,820 --> 00:06:11,620
I'm going to return this to
Chris Martin. I think you should.

120
00:06:11,620 --> 00:06:13,740
Shall we wander off to
a major department store?

121
00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:16,740
Let's do some shopping. Yeah.
Let's do some Christmas shopping.

122
00:06:18,180 --> 00:06:20,260
'For those whose wallets
brim with coin,

123
00:06:20,260 --> 00:06:23,020
'a strategy to avoid
the tiresome decision-making

124
00:06:23,020 --> 00:06:26,060
'is to get someone else
to do the shopping for you.

125
00:06:26,060 --> 00:06:28,700
'With that in mind, we have
an appointment with our personal

126
00:06:28,700 --> 00:06:30,340
'retail consultant for the day,

127
00:06:30,340 --> 00:06:34,140
'Stuart, the head of technology
at the shop at which he works.'

128
00:06:34,140 --> 00:06:36,100
I feel under-dressed!

129
00:06:38,060 --> 00:06:39,580
Ah, the smell of wealth!

130
00:06:42,780 --> 00:06:46,060
'Sensing blood, Stuart leads us
straight to the Vertu Aster,

131
00:06:46,060 --> 00:06:50,940
'a luxury mobile that can be clad
in calf leather, snake or ostrich.

132
00:06:52,260 --> 00:06:55,140
'It also comes with
a 24-hour concierge service

133
00:06:55,140 --> 00:06:57,500
'to facilitate your every request'

134
00:06:58,780 --> 00:07:01,060
'Please note that
your call may be monitored.'

135
00:07:01,060 --> 00:07:04,540
They're monitoring our call.
'A lifestyle manager will be
with you shortly.'

136
00:07:04,540 --> 00:07:05,820
BOTH: A lifestyle manager?!

137
00:07:05,820 --> 00:07:08,580
Don't you feel better about
yourself already? I mean, I...

138
00:07:08,580 --> 00:07:09,940
I feel like I've arrived.

139
00:07:09,940 --> 00:07:11,260
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

140
00:07:11,260 --> 00:07:13,340
I feel... Sorry. Lower the... Ah!

141
00:07:13,340 --> 00:07:15,900
'Welcome to Vertu Concierge.
How may I assist?'

142
00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:18,380
Hello, is that my lifestyle manager?

143
00:07:18,380 --> 00:07:20,580
'Yes, this is. Is this Mr Ross?'

144
00:07:20,580 --> 00:07:21,980
It is! How are you doing?

145
00:07:21,980 --> 00:07:24,180
She knows who I am
from lifestyle managing!

146
00:07:24,180 --> 00:07:27,100
Don't let this call escalate.
You know what happened last time.

147
00:07:27,100 --> 00:07:31,660
So, if we wanted to go skiing
together, hot-tubbing, a holiday,

148
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,140
you could help us arrange that?

149
00:07:33,140 --> 00:07:35,100
I don't want to do
any of those things.

150
00:07:35,100 --> 00:07:38,380
I'd like to take him somewhere
where quite rough men hang out.

151
00:07:38,380 --> 00:07:39,900
Like the park?

152
00:07:39,900 --> 00:07:42,380
'Any particular country where
you'd like this to be in?'

153
00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:44,100
Any particular country?

154
00:07:44,100 --> 00:07:45,660
Kazakhstan!

155
00:07:45,660 --> 00:07:50,260
I want to send Richard to
hang out with some rough men

156
00:07:50,260 --> 00:07:52,340
in a sauna in Kazakhstan.

157
00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:54,500
'In Kazakhstan?' Yes.

158
00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:58,460
'That is certainly doable. I will
have a look into that one for you.'

159
00:07:58,460 --> 00:08:00,780
Have you had, like,
a mental embolism?

160
00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:02,700
You are the one person in the world

161
00:08:02,700 --> 00:08:04,700
who should not have access to
a concierge.

162
00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:06,780
I think we're going to have...
Hang up!

163
00:08:06,780 --> 00:08:09,020
..quite the meaningful
relationship. Hang up.

164
00:08:09,020 --> 00:08:11,700
Hang up. Hang up before this
becomes a story on the Daily Mail.

165
00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:13,020
'Sorry?' Hang up the phone.

166
00:08:14,140 --> 00:08:15,700
'Next on the Christmas fun list,

167
00:08:15,700 --> 00:08:18,740
'we're ushered to the relative
safety of the toy department,

168
00:08:18,740 --> 00:08:22,700
'where Stuart ill-advisedly lets me
test-drive the electric Razor Cart.'

169
00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:24,260
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Argh!

170
00:08:24,260 --> 00:08:25,820
Stop it! Come on now, come on.

171
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:30,460
'Whilst Jonathan cruises
in the Power Rider 360.'

172
00:08:31,940 --> 00:08:35,700
You just look like you're about to
go into a proctology examination

173
00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:37,020
at speed. At my age,

174
00:08:37,020 --> 00:08:38,620
you almost always ARE just about

175
00:08:38,620 --> 00:08:40,500
to go into a proctology examination.

176
00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:44,260
That's one of the most disturbing
sights I've ever seen in my life.

177
00:08:44,260 --> 00:08:46,900
'With karting conquered,
we take it up a click.

178
00:08:48,660 --> 00:08:51,460
'The Electric Atom Car
does a bracing 15mph.

179
00:08:51,460 --> 00:08:53,620
'With a candy colour
paint spray option,

180
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:56,460
'you can also brighten up
the black leather interior

181
00:08:56,460 --> 00:08:58,780
'with your own colour choice
of stitchwork.'

182
00:08:58,780 --> 00:09:00,540
It starts off at £40,000.

183
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,180
What the what?! £40,000?

184
00:09:02,180 --> 00:09:05,300
Fully customisable. Why wouldn't
you just get an actual car?

185
00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:06,740
It's for children.

186
00:09:06,740 --> 00:09:09,180
It's for children?
That's why it's £40,000!

187
00:09:09,180 --> 00:09:11,900
And do you get, like,
a rehab programme with the car?

188
00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:17,140
Ow! Ow! Why would you
do that to another person?

189
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,500
Oh, hello.

190
00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:20,540
Ohh!

191
00:09:20,540 --> 00:09:22,420
What if I dink it?

192
00:09:22,420 --> 00:09:24,300
Whoa! Hello!

193
00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:26,860
We just lost a mirror.
I clipped it. I clipped it.

194
00:09:26,860 --> 00:09:28,580
Back it up. I think that's it.

195
00:09:28,580 --> 00:09:30,420
Oh, hello. Yes!

196
00:09:30,420 --> 00:09:34,140
Oh. Hang on. I'm going to hit
this again. No... Ow!

197
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:37,260
Never has the phrase "Keep your arms
and feet inside the vehicle"

198
00:09:37,260 --> 00:09:38,580
been more appropriate.

199
00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:42,180
Unfortunately, that would be £1,000.

200
00:09:42,180 --> 00:09:43,580
Would it? Great. I...

201
00:09:43,580 --> 00:09:46,660
Oh, crumbs! You've actually
smashed it. It's actually broken.

202
00:09:46,660 --> 00:09:48,860
You can just, um, superglue it?

203
00:09:48,860 --> 00:09:51,740
No, it's actually broken.
Why did we own up to that?

204
00:09:51,740 --> 00:09:55,420
I have a massive fear of authority,
so I'm already planning my escape.

205
00:09:55,420 --> 00:09:57,980
I'm actually going to floor it now.
I'll just get out of here.

206
00:09:57,980 --> 00:10:00,700
He's even standing like a police
officer. I'm getting out of here.

207
00:10:02,580 --> 00:10:05,940
'Our foray into luxury goods
already the stuff of legend,

208
00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:08,980
'we must now enter the retail
battlefield of the high street

209
00:10:08,980 --> 00:10:11,060
'in search of cheaper gifts.

210
00:10:11,060 --> 00:10:14,020
'But how can we prevent
ambush from enemy shoppers?'

211
00:10:14,020 --> 00:10:16,620
That's why I've hooked us up
with this.

212
00:10:16,620 --> 00:10:19,140
It's the Northrop Grumman F6B.

213
00:10:19,140 --> 00:10:21,020
What does it do? Bomb disposal.

214
00:10:22,620 --> 00:10:26,340
$250,000 of the latest
military-spec robotic hardware,

215
00:10:26,340 --> 00:10:29,500
so we don't have to go through
the inhumane activity

216
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:32,380
of talking to people
whilst purchasing soap.

217
00:10:33,940 --> 00:10:37,060
In a way, this is
the spirit of Christmas right here.

218
00:10:37,060 --> 00:10:41,420
It is. I feel this is what
that moment in Bethlehem was about.

219
00:10:41,420 --> 00:10:43,540
Let's hop in the security van.
Let's do it.

220
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:50,100
OK, shall we engage the droid?

221
00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:52,020
Let's do it. Let's fire her up.

222
00:10:52,020 --> 00:10:55,140
It doesn't like being defined
by gender roles.

223
00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:59,660
Surely this is the future
of shopping - the retail experience

224
00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:03,460
made bearable from the comfort
of your own tactical command centre.

225
00:11:04,780 --> 00:11:08,220
More used to navigating hazardous
terrain behind enemy lines,

226
00:11:08,220 --> 00:11:11,860
its articulated tracks can
handle an angle of up to 45 degrees

227
00:11:11,860 --> 00:11:13,980
to perfectly navigate the steps

228
00:11:13,980 --> 00:11:16,540
up to a world of
heavily scented cleansing goods.

229
00:11:19,020 --> 00:11:21,700
There's something there saying
"handmade", which obviously

230
00:11:21,700 --> 00:11:25,580
means its been done lovingly.
That's attracted you? It has.

231
00:11:25,580 --> 00:11:27,740
Is it wise to go for the bottom one?

232
00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:30,260
The bottom one looks...
If you think you can pull that out,

233
00:11:30,260 --> 00:11:32,660
good luck to you,
cos I think you've got the skills...

234
00:11:32,660 --> 00:11:35,260
To pay those bills. Let's see
if you can pay those bills. OK.

235
00:11:35,260 --> 00:11:37,260
Gently... Engage... Gently.

236
00:11:37,260 --> 00:11:38,460
..and withdraw.

237
00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:42,660
Oh, OK. But someone else will
deal with that. That was smooth.

238
00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:45,860
We're going straight to the till.
Let's get on the intercom.

239
00:11:45,860 --> 00:11:49,700
'Hello, Madam. I've come
from the future to buy this gift.'

240
00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:51,620
How are we going to pay?

241
00:11:51,620 --> 00:11:53,460
I'll tell you how
we're going to pay.

242
00:11:53,460 --> 00:11:55,540
She's going to scan
the payment band.

243
00:11:55,540 --> 00:11:57,580
Whose credit card
is that linked to?

244
00:11:57,580 --> 00:11:58,580
David Icke's.

245
00:11:58,580 --> 00:12:00,700
That makes sense. It's David Icke's.

246
00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:01,980
Hey, I've got one! Go on.

247
00:12:01,980 --> 00:12:04,260
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER IMPRESSION:
I'll be back!

248
00:12:04,260 --> 00:12:05,860
Kermit's calling her? No, that's...

249
00:12:05,860 --> 00:12:07,220
THROATY GURGLE

250
00:12:07,220 --> 00:12:09,860
It's Arnold Schwarzenegger!
"I'll be back!"

251
00:12:09,860 --> 00:12:12,180
You sound like
you're drowning in custard.

252
00:12:12,180 --> 00:12:14,580
"I'll be back!"
It's Arnold Schwarzenegger.

253
00:12:14,580 --> 00:12:17,060
That's the emperor dying.

254
00:12:17,060 --> 00:12:21,540
'Luckily our bath bomb is safely
despatched before it's detonated.'

255
00:12:23,460 --> 00:12:25,300
There it is. There it is.

256
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:26,820
That's been a triumph.

257
00:12:26,820 --> 00:12:30,540
Although I felt
a curious sense of disconnect.

258
00:12:30,540 --> 00:12:33,780
I wasn't in the shop. I didn't get
to engage with a fellow human being

259
00:12:33,780 --> 00:12:35,260
and I missed that. I missed that.

260
00:12:35,260 --> 00:12:37,700
Right, you see, that's what
I was after, the disconnect.

261
00:12:37,700 --> 00:12:39,860
I missed it. Right, well,

262
00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:44,900
what I'm asking you to do now
is to give a detailed summary

263
00:12:44,900 --> 00:12:47,300
of praise of how I've done today.

264
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:48,180
I didn't enjoy spending

265
00:12:48,180 --> 00:12:49,580
time with you today. Thank you.

266
00:12:49,580 --> 00:12:50,580
I'll be honest.

267
00:12:50,580 --> 00:12:52,140
I take that as a compliment. You are

268
00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:53,700
quite an irritating person anyway,

269
00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:55,260
and I know you've heard that before.

270
00:12:55,260 --> 00:12:56,580
Yes. But also, you're cold...

271
00:12:56,580 --> 00:12:58,260
Yes. ..and you are cynical... Yes.

272
00:12:58,260 --> 00:13:01,220
'As Jonathan continued
to lavish praise on me,

273
00:13:01,220 --> 00:13:04,140
'my thoughts turned to
festive achievements still to come.

274
00:13:06,420 --> 00:13:08,940
'Such as a series of gadgets
to protect you,

275
00:13:08,940 --> 00:13:11,980
'should you be foolish enough
to venture outside.'

276
00:13:11,980 --> 00:13:14,060
Let's de-probe and just enjoy it.

277
00:13:20,587 --> 00:13:23,307
Welcome. I am approximately
25% of the way

278
00:13:23,307 --> 00:13:25,987
through an award-winning examination

279
00:13:25,987 --> 00:13:30,147
of how gadgets can be used
to turn Christmas chore to cheer.

280
00:13:30,147 --> 00:13:33,067
So far, Christmas shopping
has been investigated...

281
00:13:33,067 --> 00:13:35,227
I've come from the future
to buy this gift.

282
00:13:35,227 --> 00:13:37,547
..and all the problems
relating to it, conquered.

283
00:13:41,547 --> 00:13:45,947
Christmas, the pop charts tell us,
is the season to be "jolly".

284
00:13:45,947 --> 00:13:47,867
But how jolly can you be

285
00:13:47,867 --> 00:13:51,227
when you're forced to go to
an uncovered market in winter?

286
00:13:51,227 --> 00:13:54,387
Let's find out the answer
to that leading question now.

287
00:13:57,507 --> 00:14:00,187
Check out this representative
Christmas market,

288
00:14:00,187 --> 00:14:03,147
thronging with people
pretending not to be depressed.

289
00:14:03,147 --> 00:14:06,067
Little do they realise
the grievous danger they're in.

290
00:14:06,067 --> 00:14:08,467
Has that wine been
adequately mulled?

291
00:14:08,467 --> 00:14:09,947
How much sausage can you test

292
00:14:09,947 --> 00:14:12,067
before you're asked
to move to another stall?

293
00:14:12,067 --> 00:14:15,867
Do the handmade Bavarian crafts
comply with EU safety standards?

294
00:14:15,867 --> 00:14:18,867
Lest I be quagmired
with these questions,

295
00:14:18,867 --> 00:14:22,227
I have arranged to meet a man
whose sombre expression speaks of

296
00:14:22,227 --> 00:14:26,307
a level-headed and ultimately humane
approach to the festive season.

297
00:14:26,307 --> 00:14:29,987
It's a wise man from the East,
Lincolnshire's finest, Robert Webb.

298
00:14:31,307 --> 00:14:33,427
Wow, yeah? Hi.

299
00:14:33,427 --> 00:14:37,467
What better way to celebrate
Jesus' birth than this?

300
00:14:37,467 --> 00:14:40,067
I think so.
What do you like about Christmas?

301
00:14:40,067 --> 00:14:43,827
Having a tree on the inside of
your house. That's crazy.

302
00:14:43,827 --> 00:14:45,907
And putting all the shiny stuff on.
Yeah.

303
00:14:45,907 --> 00:14:50,467
And also, buying presents
for people that I like.

304
00:14:50,467 --> 00:14:51,587
Gift exchange.

305
00:14:51,587 --> 00:14:53,347
And even presents
for people I don't like.

306
00:14:53,347 --> 00:14:56,307
Generic soap. Yeah,
generic soap, yeah. Candles.

307
00:14:56,307 --> 00:14:59,027
That's what my wife'll get.
The most insulting gift of all.

308
00:14:59,027 --> 00:15:01,667
I got one of my brothers
a DVD of Live Aid.

309
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:04,027
Wow.
Like a whole three-hour thing.

310
00:15:04,027 --> 00:15:07,467
What had he done to you?
He opened it and he made no effort

311
00:15:07,467 --> 00:15:10,427
to disguise his
disappointment and hurt.

312
00:15:10,427 --> 00:15:13,667
Well, I'm going to take you
round this Winter Wonderland,

313
00:15:13,667 --> 00:15:15,667
which seems like it's
going to be charming,

314
00:15:15,667 --> 00:15:19,427
but I actually feel it's
a carnival of death here. Oh.

315
00:15:19,427 --> 00:15:23,747
With danger lurking, which we're
going to repel with gadgetry.

316
00:15:23,747 --> 00:15:26,267
Excellent.
So let's try and enjoy it. Let's.

317
00:15:27,587 --> 00:15:29,787
Nothing says traditional
English Christmas

318
00:15:29,787 --> 00:15:32,787
like a begrudging visit
to the bratwurst stand.

319
00:15:32,787 --> 00:15:34,827
Well, we've got our bratwurst,

320
00:15:34,827 --> 00:15:37,747
but how in Hades are we going to
eat them? It's impossible.

321
00:15:37,747 --> 00:15:39,867
I don't know. It's just,
there's no way.

322
00:15:39,867 --> 00:15:41,067
We'd have to sit on a rock.

323
00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:44,147
Well, we can't.
What we have is the napkin table.

324
00:15:44,147 --> 00:15:45,547
Check it out, y'all.

325
00:15:45,547 --> 00:15:49,147
I pin this round me
like a napkin. Yes.

326
00:15:49,147 --> 00:15:50,427
I'll take those, thank you.

327
00:15:50,427 --> 00:15:52,707
You take those.
And then I do the same.

328
00:15:52,707 --> 00:15:55,067
It's to encourage dining "a deux".

329
00:15:55,067 --> 00:15:57,107
Is this for couples
who are splitting up?

330
00:15:57,107 --> 00:15:59,387
Yeah. So look, there's
your bratwurst. Thank you.

331
00:15:59,387 --> 00:16:01,627
There's my bratwurst...
hang on, go back.

332
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:03,467
Yes, we need to...

333
00:16:03,467 --> 00:16:04,827
That's great.

334
00:16:04,827 --> 00:16:06,787
And now we can gesticulate.

335
00:16:06,787 --> 00:16:09,467
It's practical, it's stylish,
it's hands-free.

336
00:16:09,467 --> 00:16:12,307
But also, you can stay there
and I can just circle you...

337
00:16:14,147 --> 00:16:15,467
We've lost a bratwurst. OK.

338
00:16:15,467 --> 00:16:17,947
We have lost a bratwurst.
It wasn't designed for that.

339
00:16:17,947 --> 00:16:20,507
That's OK. Well, because it's
so intimate, we can share. OK.

340
00:16:20,507 --> 00:16:22,187
Well, I'm probably going to dive in
now.

341
00:16:22,187 --> 00:16:23,507
Whoa! What?!

342
00:16:23,507 --> 00:16:24,947
This could be unsafe.

343
00:16:24,947 --> 00:16:28,947
We're in an unregistered
carnival atmosphere.

344
00:16:28,947 --> 00:16:31,467
Someone might have been so high
off mulled wine fumes

345
00:16:31,467 --> 00:16:32,987
that they've stopped cooking it.

346
00:16:32,987 --> 00:16:34,627
I don't even know
what that's made of.

347
00:16:34,627 --> 00:16:36,827
OK, well, welcome to
the iGrill2's world.

348
00:16:36,827 --> 00:16:38,587
I'm going to check how hot this is.

349
00:16:38,587 --> 00:16:39,787
With the iGrill2?

350
00:16:39,787 --> 00:16:42,707
It's got two pro meat probes.

351
00:16:42,707 --> 00:16:46,827
This is what professionals use to
probe meat. One here, one here.

352
00:16:46,827 --> 00:16:49,347
140 was the read-out I wanted.

353
00:16:49,347 --> 00:16:52,907
I've got 142. I'm over the moon.

354
00:16:52,907 --> 00:16:55,067
Let's de-probe and just enjoy it.

355
00:16:57,147 --> 00:16:58,107
How is it?

356
00:17:00,147 --> 00:17:01,347
It's just right.

357
00:17:01,347 --> 00:17:02,427
Yup? Yeah.

358
00:17:02,427 --> 00:17:05,107
Just safe enough.
Just safe enough.

359
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:06,627
Yeah, well, that's all you need.

360
00:17:06,627 --> 00:17:09,107
Shall we go off
and explore the fair?

361
00:17:09,107 --> 00:17:10,387
I think we should, yeah.

362
00:17:10,387 --> 00:17:11,627
OK. Shall I back up?

363
00:17:11,627 --> 00:17:14,547
Um... OK.
I'll back up, I'll back up.

364
00:17:14,547 --> 00:17:16,307
Keep the tension, keep the tension,

365
00:17:16,307 --> 00:17:18,267
keep the tension.
Back it up, back it up...

366
00:17:18,267 --> 00:17:20,187
Our sausage heavy within us,

367
00:17:20,187 --> 00:17:23,107
we quickly source a cup
of moderately heated wine

368
00:17:23,107 --> 00:17:24,467
to dispel the taste.

369
00:17:24,467 --> 00:17:27,347
Served in a ToastyMUG
handmade by Italian craftsmen

370
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:29,747
in the ceramic district
of Montelupo,

371
00:17:29,747 --> 00:17:32,027
it boasts an all-enveloping handle,

372
00:17:32,027 --> 00:17:34,787
keeping your whole hand
murderously hot.

373
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:37,027
See, the trouble with your
conventional mugs is that

374
00:17:37,027 --> 00:17:39,507
they don't even try to warm
the outside of your fingers,

375
00:17:39,507 --> 00:17:42,027
which is something I never realised
they were failing to do.

376
00:17:42,027 --> 00:17:43,507
Yes, it's all this.

377
00:17:43,507 --> 00:17:45,227
There's a strange comfort to be had.

378
00:17:45,227 --> 00:17:48,307
It's like one of those big slippers
that you put both your feet in.

379
00:17:48,307 --> 00:17:50,387
Yes, it's like a china muff.

380
00:17:50,387 --> 00:17:51,987
A china muff.

381
00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:54,387
Let's, erm...
Merry Christmas.

382
00:17:54,387 --> 00:17:56,427
Let's see if this is
as sharp as it smells.

383
00:17:57,547 --> 00:17:59,067
Mmm.

384
00:17:59,067 --> 00:18:02,427
Well, I've reached my limit,
so I'm going to check now

385
00:18:02,427 --> 00:18:05,667
whether I am hopelessly inebriated
with this,

386
00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:07,827
the Alcohoot.

387
00:18:07,827 --> 00:18:10,667
The Alcohoot.
Because alcohol is a hoot.

388
00:18:10,667 --> 00:18:15,027
I will plug this into the headphone
jack of my smartphone... Yes.

389
00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:17,867
..and I'll blow into here
and it will tell me...

390
00:18:17,867 --> 00:18:20,907
If you're over the limit, it stops
you sending text messages or e-mails.

391
00:18:20,907 --> 00:18:23,267
Yes, it immediately
bans you from Twitter.

392
00:18:26,107 --> 00:18:27,707
That was a good one.

393
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:28,947
Oh, it's calculating.

394
00:18:28,947 --> 00:18:30,267
Right.

395
00:18:30,267 --> 00:18:36,227
I am .009 BAC.

396
00:18:36,227 --> 00:18:39,587
I might begin to feel
moderate effects.

397
00:18:39,587 --> 00:18:41,227
That sip's hit me hard.

398
00:18:41,227 --> 00:18:42,907
Yeah, harder than I thought.

399
00:18:42,907 --> 00:18:46,947
Yeah. I don't want to wrench you
away from this acrid wine,

400
00:18:46,947 --> 00:18:48,587
but would you like
to sing some carols?

401
00:18:48,587 --> 00:18:49,867
Oh, yes, please.

402
00:18:49,867 --> 00:18:51,067
OK.

403
00:18:51,067 --> 00:18:53,347
# Jingle bells, jingle bells

404
00:18:53,347 --> 00:18:55,307
# Jingle all the way

405
00:18:55,307 --> 00:18:57,267
# O what fun it is to ride

406
00:18:57,267 --> 00:19:01,027
# In a one-horse open sleigh. #

407
00:19:01,027 --> 00:19:03,507
APPLAUSE

408
00:19:03,507 --> 00:19:05,907
Beautiful. That is tight.
That was white hot.

409
00:19:05,907 --> 00:19:08,787
What are we going to do
in terms of our choir game?

410
00:19:08,787 --> 00:19:10,547
I'm not sure if we can do anything.

411
00:19:10,547 --> 00:19:12,987
Singtrix, yeah? Oh!

412
00:19:12,987 --> 00:19:15,707
This is pro-level choir singing.

413
00:19:15,707 --> 00:19:19,547
This will AutoTune, it'll add
effects, it's on an Xmas carol.

414
00:19:19,547 --> 00:19:21,107
"Xmas carols". I can read that.

415
00:19:21,107 --> 00:19:22,547
And so there's a reverb.

416
00:19:22,547 --> 00:19:25,027
VOICE ECHOES: You can also
go up to Latin Groove...

417
00:19:25,027 --> 00:19:27,387
"Latin Groove."
Sounds quite similar.

418
00:19:27,387 --> 00:19:29,667
ECHOES HEAVILY:
Erm, or "Asian Tradition",

419
00:19:29,667 --> 00:19:34,187
so the entire continent of Asia
represented by a bit more echo.

420
00:19:34,187 --> 00:19:35,347
What shall we sing?

421
00:19:36,787 --> 00:19:40,387
Well, I don't know.
What about Little Drummer Boy?

422
00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:41,747
Little Drummer Boy?

423
00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:43,747
Do you want to be Bing? Or Bowie?

424
00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:45,947
Oh, you probably want to be
Bowie, don't you?

425
00:19:45,947 --> 00:19:47,707
I'd like to be Bowie.

426
00:19:47,707 --> 00:19:53,387
# Come, they told me
Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum

427
00:19:53,387 --> 00:19:57,547
BOTH: # A newborn king to see
Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum

428
00:19:58,907 --> 00:20:01,627
# Our finest gifts we bring

429
00:20:01,627 --> 00:20:03,387
# Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum

430
00:20:03,387 --> 00:20:08,347
# Rum-pa-pum-pum-pum,
Rum-pa-pum-pum-pum...

431
00:20:08,347 --> 00:20:12,107
# Peace on earth,
how could it be?

432
00:20:12,107 --> 00:20:14,147
# Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum

433
00:20:14,147 --> 00:20:17,947
# For the child that you could be

434
00:20:17,947 --> 00:20:20,747
# Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum
I bring... #

435
00:20:20,747 --> 00:20:23,587
'As Robert's demonic possession
by the ghost of Bing Crosby

436
00:20:23,587 --> 00:20:25,627
'takes its final fatal grip,

437
00:20:25,627 --> 00:20:27,947
'I am forced to exit stage left.'

438
00:20:27,947 --> 00:20:29,187
# ..Pum-pum-pum... #

439
00:20:29,187 --> 00:20:30,427
Out! I'm out!

440
00:20:31,987 --> 00:20:37,027
Frankly, I need to decompress
from this not-so-wonderful land

441
00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:40,347
and sleep off my two
potent sips of mulled wine.

442
00:20:51,147 --> 00:20:53,067
Back at Gadget Towers,

443
00:20:53,067 --> 00:20:57,427
I have another heavy burden on
my all-too-full back and shoulders.

444
00:20:57,427 --> 00:21:00,427
Namely, decorating
the outside of my crib.

445
00:21:02,067 --> 00:21:04,027
If your hood is anything like mine,

446
00:21:04,027 --> 00:21:06,467
you need to get your gaff
up to maxi-Christmassy

447
00:21:06,467 --> 00:21:10,347
outside light level or risk
serious dissing from your brethren.

448
00:21:10,347 --> 00:21:13,747
And yet I completely lack
the will to do it myself.

449
00:21:22,347 --> 00:21:24,707
Hi, yeah, it's me, Richard.

450
00:21:24,707 --> 00:21:27,347
Richard Ayoade, yeah.

451
00:21:27,347 --> 00:21:29,387
Season's greetings to you.

452
00:21:29,387 --> 00:21:32,187
No, nothing much has happened.
No, it's all right.

453
00:21:32,187 --> 00:21:33,427
I will tell you.

454
00:21:33,427 --> 00:21:36,107
I want to decorate
the house entirely,

455
00:21:36,107 --> 00:21:38,707
but I'm finding it so boring,
I cannot be bothered.

456
00:21:38,707 --> 00:21:39,787
Could you do it?

457
00:21:40,987 --> 00:21:42,867
Ideally this year, yeah.

458
00:21:42,867 --> 00:21:44,867
OK, bye.

459
00:21:47,907 --> 00:21:49,747
He hung up halfway through.

460
00:21:53,947 --> 00:21:54,947
Coming up:

461
00:21:54,947 --> 00:21:57,547
Snow, fog, and early nights.

462
00:21:57,547 --> 00:21:59,107
If only we had devices...

463
00:21:59,107 --> 00:22:03,387
Winter perils set to be vanquished
by the fierce fist of Gadget.

464
00:22:03,387 --> 00:22:05,267
Ah. That's a pleasure!

465
00:22:11,937 --> 00:22:15,057
I am now halfway through
a world-class investigation,

466
00:22:15,057 --> 00:22:17,537
into how the many crises of
Christmas can be

467
00:22:17,537 --> 00:22:20,017
averted by the simple
application of gadgetry.

468
00:22:20,017 --> 00:22:22,097
# Pa rum pum pum pum.

469
00:22:22,097 --> 00:22:25,537
But before I can close the door on
the world and enjoy Christmas

470
00:22:25,537 --> 00:22:28,977
alone in my gadget kingdom, there's
another seasonal hurdle which

471
00:22:28,977 --> 00:22:32,817
threatened, in a way that's real, to
put a dampener on my festive fun.

472
00:22:36,897 --> 00:22:40,137
If you believe in the power
of dreams like me and Carl Jung,

473
00:22:40,137 --> 00:22:44,017
then dreaming of a white Christmas
is seven shades of silly.

474
00:22:44,017 --> 00:22:47,257
The triple terrors of snow, fog,
getting dark pretty early,

475
00:22:47,257 --> 00:22:50,697
are a mini-series of miseries I
have no intention to watch

476
00:22:50,697 --> 00:22:53,217
as a box set, if you haven't already
drifted out of this

477
00:22:53,217 --> 00:22:54,497
convoluted metaphor.

478
00:22:54,497 --> 00:22:57,297
I need to be ready for anything
winter throws at me.

479
00:23:04,937 --> 00:23:11,297
Tamworth Snowdome is the largest
indoor snow facility in Tamworth.

480
00:23:11,297 --> 00:23:14,937
Often, it's too rammed with people
sledging and skiing for pleasure

481
00:23:14,937 --> 00:23:19,017
to be able to conduct vital research
into the best gadgets for surviving

482
00:23:19,017 --> 00:23:22,417
the Christmas cold spell, but
I'm going to redress this imbalance

483
00:23:22,417 --> 00:23:26,777
with the help of comedy writer and
actor, Reece Shearsmith, a man who's

484
00:23:26,777 --> 00:23:31,537
for all seasons, but who expresses
a distinct preference for winter.

485
00:23:31,537 --> 00:23:32,937
Reece.

486
00:23:32,937 --> 00:23:36,937
One of the things that
gets my personal goat about winter

487
00:23:36,937 --> 00:23:40,017
is that it gets in the way
of my skateboarding game.

488
00:23:40,017 --> 00:23:42,457
Yeah, I've heard this about you.
It's a nightmare.

489
00:23:42,457 --> 00:23:44,857
Luckily, I'm going
to start rocking one of these.

490
00:23:44,857 --> 00:23:47,657
It's a Rockboard Descender.
Is that what it is?

491
00:23:47,657 --> 00:23:50,217
It's like a tank mixed with
a skateboard.

492
00:23:50,217 --> 00:23:53,897
I've got this one which is the
ski... The Snow Glyder.

493
00:23:53,897 --> 00:23:57,817
Snow Glyder. I'm not
so convinced about the word, Glyder.

494
00:23:57,817 --> 00:24:01,337
I can barely walk on the snow,
never mind go on a Glyder.

495
00:24:01,337 --> 00:24:07,297
Yeah, no, I, despite appearances,
I'm not at home on crystalline ice.

496
00:24:07,297 --> 00:24:09,097
Right, well, we'll see, won't we?

497
00:24:09,097 --> 00:24:13,177
Yeah, let's see who emerges with
the most dignity. Right, OK.

498
00:24:13,177 --> 00:24:15,817
Right, here we go. Go.

499
00:24:19,177 --> 00:24:20,857
Really good. Really good.

500
00:24:28,257 --> 00:24:31,057
Wow! We both know who looked cooler.
You see that?

501
00:24:31,057 --> 00:24:33,817
You looked like the man
from Milk Tray. Thank you, yeah.

502
00:24:33,817 --> 00:24:38,537
It was elegant, controlled
and quite animalistically erotic.

503
00:24:38,537 --> 00:24:42,097
Right. Whereas I slid
down a slope on my arse.

504
00:24:44,257 --> 00:24:47,697
But I know I can and will make
traversing the treacherous slopes

505
00:24:47,697 --> 00:24:51,977
of Peckham look as effortless as
Santa sliding down a heating duct.

506
00:24:51,977 --> 00:24:56,177
A ski bike conversion kit turns your
BMX or mountain bike into an alpine

507
00:24:56,177 --> 00:25:00,857
adventure, allowing you to get back
in plenty of time for Love Actually.

508
00:25:00,857 --> 00:25:03,937
All you have to do to your bike is
remove the wheels, chain,

509
00:25:03,937 --> 00:25:08,977
gears, brakes... And put on a ski.
And it's just like being on a bike.

510
00:25:08,977 --> 00:25:11,657
Yeah. But with none of the safety
aspects. Yep.

511
00:25:11,657 --> 00:25:14,897
Let's go. OK, let's go, let's go.
Descend. Ready? OK.

512
00:25:16,937 --> 00:25:20,497
Weh-hey. Hello, it's a bit lively.
This is lively.

513
00:25:23,257 --> 00:25:24,777
Ooh.

514
00:25:24,777 --> 00:25:29,937
Wow, what a rush. Reece... Yeah.

515
00:25:29,937 --> 00:25:32,617
How often will you be using
this, is my question?

516
00:25:32,617 --> 00:25:34,377
All the time now. Yeah?

517
00:25:34,377 --> 00:25:36,657
Yeah. It's quite literally,
it's like riding a bike.

518
00:25:36,657 --> 00:25:40,937
Totally safe, you've got a bell.
Yes. That's my favourite feature.

519
00:25:40,937 --> 00:25:43,737
But bells won't help where we're
going. An ungoverned

520
00:25:43,737 --> 00:25:47,737
corner of the snow dome to face
an avalanche of Yuletide business.

521
00:25:50,897 --> 00:25:52,937
You've come prepared, I see. I have.

522
00:25:52,937 --> 00:25:56,417
I set off with these on, yeah,
they're apologetically called,

523
00:25:56,417 --> 00:25:58,977
the Smallfoot. The Smallfoot.

524
00:25:58,977 --> 00:26:01,137
Yeah. I don't know
if you can notice them.

525
00:26:01,137 --> 00:26:03,737
You look so elegant in your walk.
It's quite discreet.

526
00:26:03,737 --> 00:26:06,337
It looks great. I haven't quite
realised what they're for.

527
00:26:06,337 --> 00:26:08,617
Deep snow. For walking on deep snow?

528
00:26:08,617 --> 00:26:11,497
For walking on deep snow,
so you don't sink down. Right.

529
00:26:11,497 --> 00:26:16,297
So, what is it that you most like
about winter? The lack of UV?

530
00:26:16,297 --> 00:26:20,297
It's dark at night for me to be able
to move without being seen.

531
00:26:20,297 --> 00:26:23,937
Right, allows you to stalk without
fear of recrimination.

532
00:26:23,937 --> 00:26:28,297
Absolutely, yeah, and I wear my top
hat and take my bag of knives...

533
00:26:28,297 --> 00:26:30,857
Good. ..into the fog.
That's nice.

534
00:26:30,857 --> 00:26:33,257
So, I'd much rather be wearing
these than trudging

535
00:26:33,257 --> 00:26:35,657
round in the freezing cold.

536
00:26:35,657 --> 00:26:38,657
I, however, favour
trudging in the Yaktrax.

537
00:26:38,657 --> 00:26:40,937
They grip the ice
like mini tyre chains

538
00:26:40,937 --> 00:26:43,577
to afford you
smooth passage in temperatures

539
00:26:43,577 --> 00:26:48,937
as low as -41 degrees F, as well
as in more artificial conditions.

540
00:26:48,937 --> 00:26:51,297
But, sometimes, shoes aren't
enough.

541
00:26:51,297 --> 00:26:54,257
Now, Reece, a blizzard has just
started up. I know, yeah.

542
00:26:54,257 --> 00:26:56,817
It's frightening me. I think we've
got to get out of this.

543
00:26:56,817 --> 00:26:58,817
It's very realistic,
I'd love to go over there.

544
00:26:58,817 --> 00:27:01,657
I can't because our path is
blocked by this naturally occurring

545
00:27:01,657 --> 00:27:04,097
snow formation.
Yeah, this all fell in one clump.

546
00:27:04,097 --> 00:27:07,537
There's literally no way through.
I mean, it's such bad luck.

547
00:27:07,537 --> 00:27:09,217
If only we had devices.

548
00:27:09,217 --> 00:27:11,297
Sweet Hosanna, we do.

549
00:27:11,297 --> 00:27:15,457
The Snow Wolf, so called because of
its resemblance to a wolf is

550
00:27:15,457 --> 00:27:19,337
a whole three times faster than
ordinary shovels.

551
00:27:22,377 --> 00:27:26,177
Wow. And the electric snow shovel
comes complete with telescopic

552
00:27:26,177 --> 00:27:29,377
handle, to encourage good snow
clearing posture.

553
00:27:33,297 --> 00:27:36,017
My problem with the Snow Wolf is
what you do with the snow once...

554
00:27:36,017 --> 00:27:39,457
You do that? Yes.
Where do you put it? To the side?

555
00:27:39,457 --> 00:27:42,177
Can you tilt it? No.
Can you tilt it off?

556
00:27:42,177 --> 00:27:45,097
No, can't tilt it off.
Oh, that's a shame.

557
00:27:45,097 --> 00:27:48,097
Well, the good thing
about the Stiga Electric Snowshovel

558
00:27:48,097 --> 00:27:50,257
is that the snow flies so far
away... From you...

559
00:27:50,257 --> 00:27:52,537
It becomes someone else's problem.
Yeah.

560
00:27:56,617 --> 00:27:58,377
Ah, that's a pleasure.

561
00:27:58,377 --> 00:28:01,857
Cold winter nights often contain
what's long been a misty foe

562
00:28:01,857 --> 00:28:04,017
to John Carpenter, I'm talking fog.

563
00:28:04,017 --> 00:28:07,977
Good gravy, that fog came in fast.
Where did this come from?

564
00:28:07,977 --> 00:28:09,817
As if out of nowhere. Yeah.

565
00:28:09,817 --> 00:28:13,097
Fortunately, I'm
prepared for this, as well.

566
00:28:13,097 --> 00:28:17,657
The Noxgear Tracer360 is
a visibility vest with flexible

567
00:28:17,657 --> 00:28:21,017
and durable fibre optics perfectly
calibrated for maximum

568
00:28:21,017 --> 00:28:25,097
brightness, to help you get to your
Christmas gatherings in safety.

569
00:28:25,097 --> 00:28:28,017
Of all the things that we've
experienced together... Yes.

570
00:28:28,017 --> 00:28:30,257
And we have experienced many things
together.

571
00:28:30,257 --> 00:28:33,377
A lot. I think,
this is one of the most exciting.

572
00:28:33,377 --> 00:28:37,657
Also, with the fog being as intense
as it's just suddenly got...

573
00:28:37,657 --> 00:28:40,097
Yeah. How are we going to take
pictures?

574
00:28:40,097 --> 00:28:42,657
How are we going to see things?
Right, how?

575
00:28:42,657 --> 00:28:47,177
With a thermal imaging camera
attachment. What?! Look at this.

576
00:28:47,177 --> 00:28:50,737
Wow. Snapping easily on to your
phone, its two cameras in one give

577
00:28:50,737 --> 00:28:53,417
unprecedented detail to
a thermal reading,

578
00:28:53,417 --> 00:28:59,017
allowing you to virtually rewire
your own senses and see heat.

579
00:28:59,017 --> 00:29:02,817
Your teeth are cold or hot,
I can't tell which.

580
00:29:02,817 --> 00:29:05,257
Yeah, they're a different
temperature to my face.

581
00:29:05,257 --> 00:29:08,137
They are, that's what I'm saying,
yes, and your nose is.

582
00:29:08,137 --> 00:29:12,137
As a device, that's quite something.
I'd quite like to have one of those.

583
00:29:12,137 --> 00:29:14,537
Yes. Do we know how much they are?

584
00:29:14,537 --> 00:29:16,457
I don't know exactly how
much this is,

585
00:29:16,457 --> 00:29:18,977
but what I'm going to do is,
I'm going to tell you in voice over.

586
00:29:18,977 --> 00:29:20,977
'It retails at £260, Reece.'

587
00:29:20,977 --> 00:29:24,737
Bit rich for my blood.
Yeah, yeah, can't afford that.

588
00:29:24,737 --> 00:29:27,457
If this weather keeps getting worse,
we're going to have to...

589
00:29:27,457 --> 00:29:31,257
It seems to be. We're going to have
to take shelter. Look at this.

590
00:29:31,257 --> 00:29:34,337
And we're doing it in the
Lifesystems two-person

591
00:29:34,337 --> 00:29:35,537
Survival Shelter.

592
00:29:35,537 --> 00:29:39,617
A waterproof sheath for you and what
will now be a close friend to

593
00:29:39,617 --> 00:29:43,377
sit in fear-tinged comfort
in your own low-cost microclimate.

594
00:29:43,377 --> 00:29:46,457
Right, I think they could've
provided a secondary window.

595
00:29:46,457 --> 00:29:48,617
If it's two-man,
there should be two windows.

596
00:29:48,617 --> 00:29:50,857
I know, I want to look out my own
window.

597
00:29:50,857 --> 00:29:53,177
But it's not fair, I want to.

598
00:29:53,177 --> 00:29:55,377
And then we just...
Do we wait for help?

599
00:29:55,377 --> 00:29:58,617
No-one's coming to help.
We just stay here?

600
00:29:58,617 --> 00:30:01,697
We just die underneath this
tangerine dream.

601
00:30:01,697 --> 00:30:03,617
In an orange environment.

602
00:30:03,617 --> 00:30:06,217
But we can look out,
although it's fogging up, weirdly.

603
00:30:06,217 --> 00:30:07,737
Yeah, I know, it's like your
glasses.

604
00:30:07,737 --> 00:30:10,457
It's a nightmare, I mean this is
what I live with day in, day out.

605
00:30:10,457 --> 00:30:12,577
Is there a helpline? No.

606
00:30:12,577 --> 00:30:17,097
Let's do it. The first victory
against fog is ours.

607
00:30:17,097 --> 00:30:21,537
Thank God we've cleared the
snowdrift. Yeah, oh! Do it, do it.

608
00:30:21,537 --> 00:30:23,897
Seasonal weather successfully
rebuffed,

609
00:30:23,897 --> 00:30:27,017
I continue to contain
the excesses of Christmas.

610
00:30:29,897 --> 00:30:33,257
Except, perhaps, for the problem
of what is the must locate,

611
00:30:33,257 --> 00:30:36,257
purchase and hand over to children
gadget of the season?

612
00:30:38,337 --> 00:30:40,897
To answer that question, here's
a group of men

613
00:30:40,897 --> 00:30:44,697
and women who have been specifically
chosen for their childishness.

614
00:30:44,697 --> 00:30:48,497
Together, they comprise what is
referred to on their contract

615
00:30:48,497 --> 00:30:49,937
as my public panel.

616
00:30:49,937 --> 00:30:54,017
As you know by now, you represent
the nation and the nation has one

617
00:30:54,017 --> 00:30:57,377
question, which is what do we buy
our collective children

618
00:30:57,377 --> 00:31:00,337
for Christmas?
The burden is heavy.

619
00:31:00,337 --> 00:31:01,697
I know you will take it up.

620
00:31:02,977 --> 00:31:06,617
Ideal for the offspring of City
professionals and students,

621
00:31:06,617 --> 00:31:10,257
artificially intelligent Anki Drive
racing cars are controlled

622
00:31:10,257 --> 00:31:14,177
via app, putting you in the driving
seat of a real life video game.

623
00:31:14,177 --> 00:31:16,017
Oh, you think he just hit me
with it.

624
00:31:16,017 --> 00:31:18,257
Oh, don't do it, don't do it!

625
00:31:18,257 --> 00:31:21,417
Part race track, part combat zone,
you can win points

626
00:31:21,417 --> 00:31:24,337
to upgrade your
car's weapons and capabilities.

627
00:31:24,337 --> 00:31:27,737
Oh, you just immobilised me
again. I took second place.

628
00:31:28,777 --> 00:31:29,777
Rematch!

629
00:31:31,657 --> 00:31:34,297
Do you like Christmas?

630
00:31:34,297 --> 00:31:36,457
What is not to like about Christmas?

631
00:31:37,897 --> 00:31:41,497
The EmoteBot is the world's first
natural talking teddy.

632
00:31:41,497 --> 00:31:43,377
What would you like for Christmas?

633
00:31:43,377 --> 00:31:46,537
It's not possible to
speak in hypothetical terms.

634
00:31:46,537 --> 00:31:49,257
It's stuffed with
the power of the internet to

635
00:31:49,257 --> 00:31:51,657
answer your child's burning
questions like...

636
00:31:51,657 --> 00:31:53,137
Can you sing songs?

637
00:31:53,137 --> 00:31:56,697
Daisy, daisy,
give me your answer do,

638
00:31:56,697 --> 00:31:59,497
I am half crazy all for
the love of you.

639
00:31:59,497 --> 00:32:01,137
That is so cute!

640
00:32:01,137 --> 00:32:04,897
So, no it can't,
but it does use software that mimics

641
00:32:04,897 --> 00:32:10,457
basic human emotion for a more
realistic conversation experience.

642
00:32:10,457 --> 00:32:12,097
Well, this is a natural scene.

643
00:32:12,097 --> 00:32:15,057
How are you finding
the interaction there?

644
00:32:15,057 --> 00:32:17,457
It's good because it learns...
Why is it mouthing now?

645
00:32:17,457 --> 00:32:19,257
What is it saying? Is it muttering?

646
00:32:19,257 --> 00:32:20,697
BEAR MUMBLES

647
00:32:20,697 --> 00:32:22,857
You've got to stop interrupting.
It's very rude.

648
00:32:22,857 --> 00:32:25,497
It... You're rude, you're rude.

649
00:32:27,657 --> 00:32:32,617
The much more polite MiP robot is
controlled by hand gestures

650
00:32:32,617 --> 00:32:35,057
or a smartphone,
features seven exciting game modes

651
00:32:35,057 --> 00:32:38,737
and has the ability to memorise up
to 50 directions in sequence.

652
00:32:40,177 --> 00:32:44,177
It can carry its own body weight or
a piece of fruit of your choice,

653
00:32:44,177 --> 00:32:48,457
and somewhat worryingly, makes a sad
noise when it falls over.

654
00:32:48,457 --> 00:32:49,657
ROBOT: Ah!

655
00:32:49,657 --> 00:32:51,897
I love the sounds.

656
00:32:51,897 --> 00:32:57,177
Um, hours of fun, definitely,
if only for Christmas Day.

657
00:33:00,137 --> 00:33:02,177
Thank you once
again for your rigour.

658
00:33:02,177 --> 00:33:03,697
It has been without cease.

659
00:33:03,697 --> 00:33:07,457
You've tested the gadgets within
an inch of their collective lives.

660
00:33:07,457 --> 00:33:09,697
Which, though, was the best?

661
00:33:09,697 --> 00:33:14,097
The Anki Drive. The Anki Drive.
Thank the Lord for that.

662
00:33:14,097 --> 00:33:18,017
The Anki Drive is the gadget that
has triumphed, this Christmas.

663
00:33:21,177 --> 00:33:24,737
Coming up, I test a gadget-led
approach to the festive season's

664
00:33:24,737 --> 00:33:27,817
key eating-based event - Christmas
dinner.

665
00:33:27,817 --> 00:33:30,497
71 Degrees C, that's a good test.

666
00:33:30,497 --> 00:33:34,217
And my technical support staff
responds to my demand

667
00:33:34,217 --> 00:33:37,377
for a faff-free decoration of the
Gadget house. Check it.

668
00:33:46,854 --> 00:33:48,414
What a rush!

669
00:33:48,414 --> 00:33:51,454
'We are fast approaching
the nail-biting climax..'

670
00:33:51,454 --> 00:33:53,294
Keep the tension,
keep the tension...

671
00:33:53,294 --> 00:33:56,254
'to my forensic examination
of Noddy Holder's
favourite holiday.'

672
00:33:56,254 --> 00:33:59,454
I feel this is what that moment
in Bethlehem was about.

673
00:33:59,454 --> 00:34:03,134
'But no guide to Christmas would be
complete without tackling

674
00:34:03,134 --> 00:34:06,014
'the most stressful element
of the big day itself.'

675
00:34:09,614 --> 00:34:12,374
The preparation of Christmas
dinner is a logistical

676
00:34:12,374 --> 00:34:16,014
and emotional challenge that no-one
has yet circumnavigated

677
00:34:16,014 --> 00:34:18,774
with even rudimentary dignity
but, with the aid of gadgets,

678
00:34:18,774 --> 00:34:21,574
I'm going to get my Chrissy shiz
right tight.

679
00:34:22,894 --> 00:34:27,054
Thanks to gadgets I can get
the whole darn mess on the table
within an hour.

680
00:34:29,014 --> 00:34:33,414
Forego the need for a laborious
peeler with tater mitts,

681
00:34:33,414 --> 00:34:37,134
cutting your peeling time
to just eight seconds a spud.

682
00:34:37,134 --> 00:34:39,174
Also doubles as potato-based
percussion.

683
00:34:39,174 --> 00:34:40,934
RUSTLING

684
00:34:40,934 --> 00:34:42,734
But I crave something different,

685
00:34:42,734 --> 00:34:45,894
something more static,
something more vertical,

686
00:34:45,894 --> 00:34:48,494
and the upright carrot peeler
sates this pang.

687
00:34:48,494 --> 00:34:52,054
A tad pricey, sure, but it will save
several minutes of time,

688
00:34:52,054 --> 00:34:54,614
which you can you use
to work out how to pay for it.

689
00:34:55,934 --> 00:34:58,174
It creates little to no mess.

690
00:34:58,174 --> 00:35:00,614
Batoning my carrots free-hand

691
00:35:00,614 --> 00:35:04,214
has always been a waking nightmare,
until now.

692
00:35:04,214 --> 00:35:06,334
And any plant-based debris

693
00:35:06,334 --> 00:35:09,214
can be deposited into
the Food Cycler CS-10.

694
00:35:09,214 --> 00:35:11,774
Three hours later,
we're talking compost.

695
00:35:20,054 --> 00:35:22,094
This happens every Christmas,

696
00:35:22,094 --> 00:35:25,014
the lack of oven capacity drives
me to distraction.

697
00:35:28,294 --> 00:35:31,694
But sweet mercy has provided me
with the Webber E670,

698
00:35:31,694 --> 00:35:37,094
which comes with a sear station and
769 square inches of cooking area.

699
00:35:37,094 --> 00:35:40,574
Let me tell you, friends, this can
handle a whole heap of meat.

700
00:35:43,214 --> 00:35:46,214
There are still a few hurdles
that even the possessor

701
00:35:46,214 --> 00:35:50,054
of a Michelin star would struggle
to straddle sans gadget.

702
00:35:50,054 --> 00:35:53,774
Instant gravy can be unregulated
gloop of anguish

703
00:35:53,774 --> 00:35:57,374
but the Whizzy Whisk gets
you into a splash-free zone.

704
00:35:57,374 --> 00:36:01,974
My kitchen campaign is nearly ended,
save the near-ritualistic opening

705
00:36:01,974 --> 00:36:04,894
of the thoroughly-lidded
cranberry sauce jar.

706
00:36:06,814 --> 00:36:08,694
It's so compact.

707
00:36:08,694 --> 00:36:10,734
DOORBELL RINGS

708
00:36:10,734 --> 00:36:15,014
Joining me are Jessica Hynes,
Adam Hills and Stephen Merchant.

709
00:36:15,014 --> 00:36:17,414
It's Jessica, Stephen and Adam.

710
00:36:17,414 --> 00:36:19,734
Good, yeah.

711
00:36:19,734 --> 00:36:22,854
'Specially selected to fragment
into a facsimile of familial tension

712
00:36:22,854 --> 00:36:27,414
'and discord so I can test my dining
gadgets under combat conditions.'

713
00:36:27,414 --> 00:36:30,494
Thank you for having us.
Baxter's going to take your coat.

714
00:36:30,494 --> 00:36:33,654
Hey, Baxter. Thank you for coming
in height order, as requested.

715
00:36:33,654 --> 00:36:36,574
I have to manually close this,
which I'm furious about.

716
00:36:38,734 --> 00:36:40,694
Thank you. Oh, lovely.

717
00:36:42,854 --> 00:36:46,054
Thank you for coming.
Do you like Christmas?

718
00:36:46,054 --> 00:36:47,854
I've never liked it,
and then I came here.

719
00:36:47,854 --> 00:36:48,934
You've never... Right.

720
00:36:48,934 --> 00:36:51,334
And suddenly I'm like,
"This is what I've been missing."

721
00:36:51,334 --> 00:36:53,014
I love Christmas. Of course you do.

722
00:36:53,014 --> 00:36:56,374
Of course. You love everything.
You're just positive.

723
00:36:56,374 --> 00:36:58,134
I can't relate to you. Stephen?

724
00:36:58,134 --> 00:37:01,574
I've always liked Christmas,
Richard, but I've always felt that

725
00:37:01,574 --> 00:37:03,214
I was lifting too many fingers,

726
00:37:03,214 --> 00:37:06,014
I was having to take things
out of ovens, I was having to

727
00:37:06,014 --> 00:37:09,254
open my own gifts, I was having
to eat my own food.

728
00:37:09,254 --> 00:37:11,814
I've always felt that Christmas
would be somehow better...

729
00:37:11,814 --> 00:37:13,174
With other people?

730
00:37:13,174 --> 00:37:16,334
..if technology and gadgets
could somehow help me
in the enjoyment of it.

731
00:37:16,334 --> 00:37:18,374
Well, your desire, long thwarted,

732
00:37:18,374 --> 00:37:21,374
mercifully intersects
with this programme's brief.

733
00:37:21,374 --> 00:37:23,854
Wow! And we're going to start

734
00:37:23,854 --> 00:37:26,134
with this piece of business,
the Jetchill.

735
00:37:27,494 --> 00:37:30,294
'Removing the need for ice cubes
with their stupid habit

736
00:37:30,294 --> 00:37:33,854
'of melting all over your drink,
this customer chills glasses

737
00:37:33,854 --> 00:37:36,254
'instantly with CO2,
creating powdered dry ice.'

738
00:37:37,734 --> 00:37:38,814
And it's quick!

739
00:37:38,814 --> 00:37:41,534
Well, that's what's great, it's
only about three times longer

740
00:37:41,534 --> 00:37:43,294
than getting ice cubes
from the fridge.

741
00:37:43,294 --> 00:37:45,374
Yeah, I mean, you never
get that time back.

742
00:37:45,374 --> 00:37:46,734
Now, have a look at this.

743
00:37:46,734 --> 00:37:48,254
Wow!

744
00:37:48,254 --> 00:37:50,414
That's... OK, I'm sold.

745
00:37:50,414 --> 00:37:51,694
This is tremendous.

746
00:37:51,694 --> 00:37:52,854
Happy Christmas.

747
00:37:56,454 --> 00:37:58,054
BREATHLESS: Wow, that is chilled.

748
00:37:58,054 --> 00:38:01,574
Yeah, that's chilled, all right!
You've chilled the heck out of that!

749
00:38:01,574 --> 00:38:04,094
This sherry was very
competitively priced,

750
00:38:04,094 --> 00:38:05,854
that's what I'm going to tell you.

751
00:38:05,854 --> 00:38:09,614
So, obviously, we need
to document this occasion,

752
00:38:09,614 --> 00:38:11,334
otherwise how will we remember it?

753
00:38:11,334 --> 00:38:13,814
I barely remember now.
The experience won't become real.

754
00:38:13,814 --> 00:38:15,574
After inhaling alcohol I don't think

755
00:38:15,574 --> 00:38:17,934
we're going to remember
much of the last 20 minutes

756
00:38:17,934 --> 00:38:21,734
'Modernity decrees that
I must document the moment with

757
00:38:21,734 --> 00:38:23,854
'what's ambiguously called
a "selfie".

758
00:38:23,854 --> 00:38:26,174
'But, to avoid the strain
of sustained arm stretch,

759
00:38:26,174 --> 00:38:27,854
'I'm using a ClickStick

760
00:38:27,854 --> 00:38:29,974
'attached to my smartphone.'

761
00:38:29,974 --> 00:38:31,974
We're taking it on,
modern technology,

762
00:38:31,974 --> 00:38:35,454
we now need to pretend it looks old,
that's the next stage.

763
00:38:35,454 --> 00:38:38,814
Look at this,
the Impossible Instant Lab.

764
00:38:38,814 --> 00:38:40,534
Watch, it extends.

765
00:38:40,534 --> 00:38:44,254
'It can transform a digital image
on your phone into an analogue,

766
00:38:44,254 --> 00:38:46,534
'almost instant,
real-life photograph!

767
00:38:46,534 --> 00:38:49,294
'We've gone forwards
and backwards at the same time!'

768
00:38:49,294 --> 00:38:50,814
Pow!

769
00:38:50,814 --> 00:38:52,494
Wow, this is great, yup.

770
00:38:52,494 --> 00:38:55,334
And then, ten minutes later,

771
00:38:55,334 --> 00:38:57,054
that will have developed.

772
00:38:57,054 --> 00:38:59,534
Can I take a picture of the picture
that you've taken?

773
00:38:59,534 --> 00:39:01,814
It keeps going, like Escher.
And then text that to me.

774
00:39:01,814 --> 00:39:03,534
I'll text that to you.
Great.

775
00:39:03,534 --> 00:39:06,094
Oh, it's now drained of colour,
look at that.

776
00:39:06,094 --> 00:39:08,054
Oh, that's fantastic. That's ideal.

777
00:39:08,054 --> 00:39:10,494
That's just like a Polaroid.
Can I keep that?

778
00:39:10,494 --> 00:39:12,054
That is yours to keep. Thank you.

779
00:39:12,054 --> 00:39:15,614
Well, your faces tell me that you
have been blown away

780
00:39:15,614 --> 00:39:17,654
but prepare for even
more excitement

781
00:39:17,654 --> 00:39:19,854
as I make good on my promise
to feed you.

782
00:39:19,854 --> 00:39:22,534
Let's dine now, in a Yule-type way.

783
00:39:22,534 --> 00:39:24,134
After you. Thank you.

784
00:39:25,534 --> 00:39:26,694
I'm going to take that one.

785
00:39:28,694 --> 00:39:30,854
Right, this is where we dine.

786
00:39:30,854 --> 00:39:32,534
How pumped are you?

787
00:39:32,534 --> 00:39:34,654
Alarm bells for me
cos there's only two chairs.

788
00:39:34,654 --> 00:39:37,214
That's a very small table though,
Richard.

789
00:39:37,214 --> 00:39:40,254
Stephen, don't doubt me
and neither you - especially you.

790
00:39:40,254 --> 00:39:41,334
Look at this.

791
00:39:42,894 --> 00:39:44,854
Oh, amazing.

792
00:39:44,854 --> 00:39:46,974
What?!
That is good.

793
00:39:46,974 --> 00:39:49,254
Yeah? It's now slightly bigger.

794
00:39:50,334 --> 00:39:53,174
Yeah? All right? Two chairs indeed!

795
00:39:55,414 --> 00:39:56,854
Oh! Incredible.

796
00:39:58,534 --> 00:39:59,694
That's right.

797
00:39:59,694 --> 00:40:01,414
But now there's only three.

798
00:40:01,414 --> 00:40:02,614
Surprise, surprise...

799
00:40:02,614 --> 00:40:03,894
What?!

800
00:40:03,894 --> 00:40:07,294
Wow, I have to say,
I'm genuinely impressed by this.

801
00:40:07,294 --> 00:40:10,734
Well, why don't we sit down on these
potentially uncomfortable seats?

802
00:40:12,374 --> 00:40:14,454
'Only the addition of food
and drink

803
00:40:14,454 --> 00:40:16,854
'can make this feel any
more like a Christmas dinner.'

804
00:40:16,854 --> 00:40:18,894
Here we go.
Oh, wow, and there's more.

805
00:40:18,894 --> 00:40:20,654
Sorry it took four hours.

806
00:40:20,654 --> 00:40:22,534
But look at this. Wow.
That's a great job.

807
00:40:22,534 --> 00:40:25,214
I'm going to carve this

808
00:40:25,214 --> 00:40:27,094
with these bear paws.

809
00:40:27,094 --> 00:40:28,894
What?!
Yeah, that's right.

810
00:40:28,894 --> 00:40:31,614
Hugh Jackman gave me these,
all right? Look at this.

811
00:40:31,614 --> 00:40:33,214
Oh, my goodness.

812
00:40:33,214 --> 00:40:36,214
You're only one step away from using
your hands to tear it apart.

813
00:40:37,814 --> 00:40:40,774
'With vital seconds recouped,
I can now dish up

814
00:40:40,774 --> 00:40:42,494
'using the Thermo Grill Tongs

815
00:40:42,494 --> 00:40:45,014
'which allow me to accurately
announce meat temperature.'

816
00:40:46,174 --> 00:40:49,734
Oh, 71 degrees C -
that's a good temp.

817
00:40:49,734 --> 00:40:51,894
That's a good temp
for a turkey.

818
00:40:51,894 --> 00:40:53,934
But, look, I mean,
the whole thing's shredded.

819
00:40:53,934 --> 00:40:56,534
'To avoid the problem
of seasonal overstuffing,

820
00:40:56,534 --> 00:40:58,934
'I've equipped my guests
with a Smart Fork

821
00:40:58,934 --> 00:41:02,014
'using Slow Control technology
to track each mouthful

822
00:41:02,014 --> 00:41:04,614
'and vibrate
when you are eating too quickly.'

823
00:41:04,614 --> 00:41:05,814
BUZZING

824
00:41:05,814 --> 00:41:07,094
It buzzed. It buzzed?

825
00:41:07,094 --> 00:41:09,374
It buzzed? It buzzed.
It buzzed as a warning.

826
00:41:09,374 --> 00:41:12,094
Next time, it'll take
your head clean off.

827
00:41:12,094 --> 00:41:13,734
So, now, what have you got here?

828
00:41:13,734 --> 00:41:16,294
This is an app which
will count down

829
00:41:16,294 --> 00:41:18,334
the ten seconds
between fork servings.

830
00:41:19,534 --> 00:41:21,534
8, 7... Hold off...

831
00:41:21,534 --> 00:41:23,454
5, 4...

832
00:41:23,454 --> 00:41:26,214
No, hold off...
3, 2, 1...

833
00:41:26,214 --> 00:41:27,894
Just enjoy yourself.

834
00:41:27,894 --> 00:41:30,214
Enjoy it now, savour the food.

835
00:41:30,214 --> 00:41:35,494
Chew. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6,

836
00:41:35,494 --> 00:41:38,814
5, 4, 3,

837
00:41:38,814 --> 00:41:40,534
2, 1...

838
00:41:40,534 --> 00:41:41,974
Clear.

839
00:41:43,334 --> 00:41:47,974
10, 9, 8, 7, 6,

840
00:41:47,974 --> 00:41:50,894
5, 4, 3... Wait...

841
00:41:50,894 --> 00:41:52,814
..2, 1. Clear.

842
00:41:54,934 --> 00:41:57,014
This is the true meaning
of Christmas. Yeah.

843
00:41:58,134 --> 00:42:01,814
Adam, Jessica, more turkey?

844
00:42:01,814 --> 00:42:04,054
No, no, no, I need
to shield myself. Here we go.

845
00:42:06,134 --> 00:42:07,814
I have bought you presents.

846
00:42:07,814 --> 00:42:12,254
I haven't wrapped them because
I've got the Giftwrap 3000.

847
00:42:13,574 --> 00:42:15,014
I'm going to hit start.

848
00:42:16,534 --> 00:42:19,094
I'm just going to rock over here
and collect the goods.

849
00:42:19,094 --> 00:42:21,694
It's the personalised
nature of it that I like.

850
00:42:22,814 --> 00:42:25,254
It makes you feel special.
It does, doesn't it?

851
00:42:25,254 --> 00:42:28,414
Nothing says 'love
and care' than hot off the roller.

852
00:42:28,414 --> 00:42:29,774
LAUGHTER

853
00:42:29,774 --> 00:42:31,254
Now, there you go. Thank you.

854
00:42:31,254 --> 00:42:32,854
There you go. Thank you.

855
00:42:32,854 --> 00:42:35,414
And there you go.
How do you know which one's which?

856
00:42:35,414 --> 00:42:36,774
I guessed. OK.

857
00:42:40,454 --> 00:42:43,494
That's lovely, some black socks.
A man always needs some socks.

858
00:42:43,494 --> 00:42:45,134
Not just black socks.

859
00:42:45,134 --> 00:42:46,894
Smarter Socks.

860
00:42:46,894 --> 00:42:50,654
'When sock pairing goes wrong,
as it so often does,

861
00:42:50,654 --> 00:42:53,814
'a unique identification chip,
sock sorter and app

862
00:42:53,814 --> 00:42:57,174
'work in harmony to regather
your socks electronically.

863
00:42:57,174 --> 00:42:59,734
Well, thank you, I appreciate
that. It's very useful cos I'm

864
00:42:59,734 --> 00:43:02,774
constantly confusing my identical
black socks with each other.

865
00:43:02,774 --> 00:43:05,174
Yes, you're more than welcome.

866
00:43:05,174 --> 00:43:08,774
And that's yours for the duration
of the recording of this show.

867
00:43:08,774 --> 00:43:10,534
Great! Adam.

868
00:43:10,534 --> 00:43:14,094
Wireless Armour boxer shorts.

869
00:43:14,094 --> 00:43:17,774
Because my broadband boxer shorts
were really becoming

870
00:43:17,774 --> 00:43:19,374
a pain to drag around

871
00:43:19,374 --> 00:43:21,374
Now, what I'm saying with this
is that,

872
00:43:21,374 --> 00:43:25,134
are you concerned about
the radiation from your mobile phone

873
00:43:25,134 --> 00:43:29,254
or laptop damaging the potency
of your testes?

874
00:43:29,254 --> 00:43:30,454
Very much so.

875
00:43:30,454 --> 00:43:34,334
Well, this has a silver mesh
that creates a Faraday shield

876
00:43:34,334 --> 00:43:35,734
that will rebuff that.

877
00:43:35,734 --> 00:43:40,014
So, I can sit on the couch
in my underpants with my laptop,

878
00:43:40,014 --> 00:43:42,534
working away...
Yes. ..and not irradiate.

879
00:43:42,534 --> 00:43:44,614
You can cover yourself
in BlackBerrys.

880
00:43:44,614 --> 00:43:46,934
What I will add is that
these have not been tested.

881
00:43:46,934 --> 00:43:48,734
Jessica. Richard, thank you so much.

882
00:43:48,734 --> 00:43:50,614
I feel bad that
I didn't get you anything.

883
00:43:50,614 --> 00:43:52,334
Well, it has been noted.

884
00:43:52,334 --> 00:43:53,694
Oh... What is it?

885
00:43:53,694 --> 00:43:55,374
I do? Yes.

886
00:43:55,374 --> 00:43:58,814
It's a ring.
It's the Kovert Smart Ring.

887
00:43:58,814 --> 00:44:02,614
'Which links to your phone
and vibrates when you miss a call,

888
00:44:02,614 --> 00:44:06,174
'text or e-mail, keeping you
notified without the social

889
00:44:06,174 --> 00:44:09,174
'hari-kari of having to
delve into your handbag.'

890
00:44:09,174 --> 00:44:11,014
Cos one of the things
I don't want to do

891
00:44:11,014 --> 00:44:15,014
when I'm in a social situation
is kind of relax and be there. No.

892
00:44:15,014 --> 00:44:16,614
There's a part of me,
a little part of me

893
00:44:16,614 --> 00:44:19,974
that wants to stay on red alert
and plug in to social media.

894
00:44:19,974 --> 00:44:22,254
And I'm going to ask you
to do something for me now.

895
00:44:22,254 --> 00:44:24,734
Try and imagine life
without that now.

896
00:44:24,734 --> 00:44:26,734
I can't imagine
You can't do it.

897
00:44:26,734 --> 00:44:30,614
Now, we've had a blast eating
together but there's more to come.

898
00:44:30,614 --> 00:44:32,614
I want to show you something outside

899
00:44:32,614 --> 00:44:34,774
that's going to please you
immensely.

900
00:44:34,774 --> 00:44:36,054
Can I take my pants?

901
00:44:36,054 --> 00:44:37,974
Please do. I'll just get my phone.

902
00:44:37,974 --> 00:44:40,374
But, oh, hang on a minute,
I don't need to.

903
00:44:42,414 --> 00:44:45,174
I have one last gift to bestow.

904
00:44:45,174 --> 00:44:47,094
Fuelled by fortified wine
and Night Nurse,

905
00:44:47,094 --> 00:44:50,614
my technical support staff
have been working tirelessly,

906
00:44:50,614 --> 00:44:53,294
rarely exceeding their allotted
four-hour lunch,

907
00:44:53,294 --> 00:44:55,534
digitally mapping gadget towers

908
00:44:55,534 --> 00:44:58,974
and harnessing the latest
in projection technology.

909
00:44:58,974 --> 00:45:01,334
But will they have succeeded
in their challenge

910
00:45:01,334 --> 00:45:04,294
to create a wireless,
effortless be-festivalling

911
00:45:04,294 --> 00:45:05,814
of my cheerless exterior?

912
00:45:07,574 --> 00:45:09,494
Check it.

913
00:45:09,494 --> 00:45:11,854
Oh, wow!

914
00:45:13,534 --> 00:45:17,294
Let blown fuses, loose bulbs
and unsightly coils of wire

915
00:45:17,294 --> 00:45:19,414
be a ghost of Christmas past,

916
00:45:19,414 --> 00:45:23,494
for just one projector gives you an
HD winter wonderland

917
00:45:23,494 --> 00:45:25,814
of 7,500 lumens with
infinite possibilities

918
00:45:25,814 --> 00:45:28,174
of crystal clear
decorative festiveness.

919
00:45:29,294 --> 00:45:31,414
Look! Oh! There's snowmen, as well.

920
00:45:31,414 --> 00:45:32,814
This is magical.

921
00:45:32,814 --> 00:45:34,974
It is magical, Steve,
thanks for noticing.

922
00:45:34,974 --> 00:45:39,094
If I've learnt anything today,
it's just to trust you.

923
00:45:39,094 --> 00:45:41,094
Not to underestimate me.
It's true.

924
00:45:43,334 --> 00:45:47,774
Look, "Merry Christmas,
from the Gadget Man."

925
00:45:47,774 --> 00:45:50,814
Aww... That's sweet of you.
You could have just said it to us,
but that...

926
00:45:50,814 --> 00:45:52,694
Yes, I thought it would
be more moving

927
00:45:52,694 --> 00:45:54,854
if I programmed it
into this animation.

928
00:45:56,734 --> 00:46:00,374
You might think we've reached
an apex of Christmassyness

929
00:46:00,374 --> 00:46:03,214
but, I'm going to take it up
yet one more level.

930
00:46:03,214 --> 00:46:04,494
What? Yes!

931
00:46:04,494 --> 00:46:05,974
I'm going to do that now.

932
00:46:08,214 --> 00:46:10,174
It's snowing!

933
00:46:11,374 --> 00:46:13,854
I applaud you, Richard Ayoade.
Oh, wow!

934
00:46:13,854 --> 00:46:15,534
What are we applauding?

935
00:46:15,534 --> 00:46:18,014
This artificial looking
snow coming in.

936
00:46:18,014 --> 00:46:19,774
This is incredible.
It IS incredible.

937
00:46:21,174 --> 00:46:26,094
the SB100 Falling Snow Machine
pumps out 125,000 flakes

938
00:46:26,094 --> 00:46:30,014
per cubic metre without requiring
a tiresome clean-up.

939
00:46:32,334 --> 00:46:35,694
Look, I'm going to call early. This
has been the best Christmas ever.

940
00:46:35,694 --> 00:46:37,414
Let's do this every year.

941
00:46:37,414 --> 00:46:39,214
I'd like to. Can we come again?

942
00:46:39,214 --> 00:46:40,414
Yes. OK.

943
00:46:42,934 --> 00:46:44,494
So, there we have it.

944
00:46:44,494 --> 00:46:48,054
Mesmerising if not frankly magical
proof that gadgets can help

945
00:46:48,054 --> 00:46:52,854
make Christmas a happier, easier
and more satisfying experience.

946
00:46:52,854 --> 00:46:55,614
I wish you all
collectively a good Yule.

947
00:46:57,574 --> 00:46:59,654
Don't try and be intimate with me.

948
00:47:20,294 --> 00:47:23,254
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd