I'm Oz Clarke. And I'm Hugh Dennis.
I'm of the opinion that Britain produces some of the best drinks in the world.
Slainte mhor.
So, we're on a mission - the British pub is under threat
and we've got a plan to revive it.
It's jellyfish.
Jellyfish?
First we'll scour the land in search of the hidden gems of British booze.
This is actually between 65 and 70% alcohol.
Happy days! Happy days, yeah.
We'll risk life and limb in the pursuit of perfection.
Oz Clarke, cow whisperer.
He's gone down!
And make some fabulous new discoveries.
That's tremendous. It's very, very good.
There will be trial...
That is the liquid equivalent of barbed wire.
..and there will be retribution.
It's made him cry.
A grown man crying.
And we'll criss-cross the land in a mighty green camper van.
I think the great thing for me about this is that it hasn't involved any loss of dignity at all.
And at the end of it all, we're going to set up a pub
packed full of the best of British drink.
Put it on, put it on!
The problem is we don't agree on what makes the best pub.
You are a secret Irish whiskey cream drinker.
That's pathetic.
So we're going to open two bars that will go head to head for one night only.
At last, a drinker is born!
The search for the drinks for our pop-up pub has begun.
'What am I doing?'
How many adventures begin in a pub with a bet over a pint?
None of the Famous Five's, but I suppose this one did.
But I still don't understand quite why we're going on this journey.
We're going on this journey because there's a been a sea change
in Britain in the last few years.
I think that we can have a pub
stocked entirely with local drinks.
And I think it'll be the best possible pub,
and people will flock to it.
What's wrong with that? That's perfectly good.
What's right with that?
OK, so it's a brand, so it's foreign, but it tastes very good.
It's fine. No-one minds.
I bet they do. I bet you they don't.
I bet you they do. Wait a second.
'Innocuous banter. But then I made a schoolboy error.'
Excuse me, sorry to interrupt - can I just ask a very quick question,
is anyone here dissatisfied with continental beers, wines or spirits?
Not one.
'I'd lit a fuse...'
Well, they should be.
'..and had to stand back.'
Excuse me. Excuse me. We are in a beautiful British pub here.
Now, if I offered you the chance to drink foaming, Kentish ales
full of locally grown Kentish hops,
if I gave you the chance to drink glittering, sparkling wines
from the Sussex Downs,
if I gave you the chance to drink age-old ciders
from Somerset and the west,
now would you come with me and say, "Yes, we'll proudly drink British"?
Yeah! Yes!
Can I have another half of Stella, please?
And so begins our great adventure.
I've planned a route that will take us all over the British Isles,
and our Grand Tour begins in the south.
And where are we off to now? Cornwall.
And why are we in a converted railway carriage on wheels?
Because we'll be enjoying the English summer
as only true Brits can.
In the rain?
Camping. Camping in the rain.
This is us.
So, apart from looking like something they signed the Armistice in,
how does this thing work?
Ah, the manual.
HUGH SPEAKS DUTCH
So we'll be doing that.
SPEAKS DUTCH
Yes, this thing is Dutch and it's called a Tonke.
Rhyming slang for what I'm going to feel like driving it.
And that isn't my only concern.
This is what worries me about this trip.
One...
..two...
..three.
And I hardly know my camping companion.
He's got one of the world's finest palates, apparently.
He's the world wine-tasting champion,
which he won, I think, in 1970-something,
in a competition which has never been repeated,
so he is still the world wine-tasting champion.
And he's done very well out of it, hasn't he?
He's done very well out of it.
All right.
I think it's time to establish the palate pecking order round here
to show Hugh just who's the tasting daddy.
We're going to a Cornish cottage for a pretty serious tasting challenge.
Stuart Howe from Sharp's Brewery makes beers with some very peculiar ingredients.
You've got a virgin palate.
First impression is probably going to be better than my first impression,
cos mine will be all garbled up with years and years of experience
and your palate'll be just... like an empty screen.
OK, four beers to taste.
Master versus pupil.
Who can spot the mystery ingredient?
Is that fruit? It's not a fruit.
It's more on the palate than the aroma with this one.
It's slightly chilli-like.
This is chilli, chilli beer.
First blood!
This could be a very long summer.
And next...
Darker. Certainly is.
First impressions, good.
This is probably the most difficult.
I thought it smelt of pasties, but then I think...
You're not far away.
Tastes a bit of chocolate to me, but that's probably the malt, is it?
Everyone says chocolate on this one.
It tastes slightly sort of visceral. Very good.
Offal. Offal. Offal. That's it, spot on.
This is one that's brewed with liver, kidney and heart.
And you said offal before I did. I did, yeah.
I do all the work... Well, I think it's a most unfair one-all.
You're going to win though, aren't you?
Not at this rate, I'm not, no.
The nation will find it ridiculous.
Right, two more beers to go.
Time to finish him off and claim these beers for my bar.
This one's going to be tough.
Seaweedy?
Mineral, iodine?
You're on the cusp, Oz.
Oysters? No.
Mussels? No. Cockles. Winkles.
Whelks. No. I think we'll take all day.
We'll have the whole contents of the sea. It's jellyfish.
Jellyfish?
Yes. It's the one thing I absolutely hate.
It's like eating plastic bicycle chain.
When have you eaten a plastic bicycle chain?
I don't understand your analogies half the time.
Jellyfish? How on earth was I going to get that?
OK, last one. Now for the coup de grace.
You should be looking back towards the sea with this one.
Do we get as far as the sea or does it live in the sand?
Um, I think some of them live in the sand.
You haven't made it with turtle. You... No.
Did I just mention these? Yeah.
Oysters. Yes.
2-1 to the giant killer.
I could tell they were in there straightaway.
I try to gently, carry things along, discussing them as we go.
All you're doing is like a predator, waiting to leap.
As soon as I open up the gap for you, in you leap.
Your problem is that you're working on a coalition model.
I've no interest in that. I'm first past the post.
It'll be a pleasure having your beer in our pub. Good.
Yeah, my half of our pub.
Well, I make that David 1, Goliath 0.
Except, of course, it's not a fight.
So, maybe me 1, Yoda 0.
Well, it is an unlikely result,
so perhaps I should test how much the world's greatest taster actually knows?
You haven't got any of my books there.
I have, actually I have. No, I don't care. I have.
Although technically, it's not really a book, it's more of a map.
It was the only one I could find.
With you looking younger.
New York style of white, three words.
Light. No.
Er, aromatic. No.
Nutty. Nutty!
Well, that's some of them, yeah.
Nutty, yeah.
Nutty. In...
Dispensable.
..te...
Intense.
Nutty, intense whites. That's New York.
In Burgundy, chardonnay produces succulent yet bone dry wines with a...
Hefty price tag. With a... ?
Touch of oak. What's one of your favourite phrases?
Intense. Mm-hm.
What kind of intensity?
Nutty. Nutty intensity. You've used it again.
Some of the finest wines in the world,
yet you're still calling them nutty and intense.
Do you know my favourite bit in here? I've just discovered it.
Semillon, right? Where - Bordeaux and Australia.
Style - lemony, waxy dry white.
With oak they gain flavours of...
Custard. Custard!
Yes, custard!
So, when you get our semillon now...
"If you get a semillon"? You can't say that!
That's a... That is a perfectly innocent remark.
That's just really rude.
All this chatter's making me thirsty.
Come on, it's Saturday night in fashionable downtown Falmouth.
OK. You lead, I'll follow.
You know what you're doing.
This is the main street. The place is going to be humping,
it's going to be absolutely beating with stuff.
Yep. You are absolutely right.
The town is... Hang on,
hang on, what did you say?
Did you actually "the town will be humping"?
I meant to say... Not heaving or pumping.
I meant to say pumping. I meant to say heaving and pumping, not humping.
I'm beginning to wonder if Oz is going to teach me anything about drinking.
Stick with me, old fruit. Watch and learn.
You see, a proper English pub must have proper atmosphere.
What about this, then? Oh, this is great.
A pub.
# What shall we do with the drunken sailor
# Earl-aye in the morning
# Hoo-ray And up she rises
# Earl-aye in the morning
# Hoo-ray And up she rises
# Hoo-ray And up...
OK, first lesson - never expect Oz to come back from the bar.
# ..earl-aye in the morning
Hi, I'm Nobby No-mates. I'll just drink the atmosphere.
Am I ever getting my drink?
You've got two pints.
Oh, well. If you can't beat them, join them.
# ..earl-aye in the morning
# Hoo-ray And up she rises
# Earl-aye in the morning. #
OZ AND HUGH LAUGH
Is that more like it? Oh, that was fantastic. Now that is a pub.
Do you want that Shanty band in our bar?
We'd have to take them there in the camper.
What about Middle England shanties?
Only at closing time is Oz finally prepared to leave.
And now, back at the camper,
he wants to record our drink-inspired insights on the beercam.
Trouble is he's struggling with the technology, and quite grumpy.
I have been filming for half an hour...
and it wasn't on.
Why didn't you, as a professional, say, "The red light's not on."
Why didn't you say that?
I can see the red light's on.
I know that as a professional, and what do you do? Nothing.
Don't film this.
Say goodnight. Goodnight.
Don't turn it off. I've got things to say...
Where are your eyes?
I'm suffering from visalgia.
You don't know what that is, do you? No.
Visalgia is a combination of a Greek work for pain,
and a Norwegian word for unease after debauchery.
That's what I'm suffering from.
A hangover? Yeah.
Do you know those explanations that you've been giving me
the whole way through every day?
That I haven't really understood very well.
This book
makes it very clear.
I didn't write it. No, that's exactly why.
I taught him everything he knows.
I don't think you can have done. Cos this book...
is 256 pages long,
and yours is two pages long.
Well, one page, but you've printed on the other side of it
and then folded it.
I reckon the folding probably took longer than the writing, to be honest.
Sort of got an intense, nutty...
Oh, stop it!
..smell.
It's just not fair.
No, it's... Oh, God. Stop that.
I feel ill.
I think my head's going to fall off.
There's no simple remedy for a hangover,
but there are several traditional drinks that claim to provide a cure,
so I'm going to show Hugh how to make them.
First, an aggressive little fella known to those who can still speak
as the Red Eye.
Here we go.
Mix together some whisky, coffee, a raw egg,
Tabasco sauce, a splash of orange juice, and a dash of cayenne pepper.
How does this one work, then, this particular hangover cure?
It's some sort of... It just blows your head off?
This is a Red Eye. I don't think it's meant to give you a red eye.
Cos if you wanted a red eye, the hangover cure
would just be to punch someone in the face.
Tell me when I can stop. No, I would stop you.
It's just you seem to be enjoying yourself
and it's so harmless and you're smiling and happy.
I'd have stopped ages ago. I wouldn't even have done it.
Great. Now, taste that and see what you think.
I've got to taste it?
Well, you don't have to. I thought you'd like to.
I'm going to taste this, then.
It smells fantastic.
Too much egg, not enough whisky.
Will that help?
That is the liquid equivalent of barbed wire.
Razor ribbon in a jug, that, isn't it?
Yep.
Well, if you thought that was hardcore, try this.
A notorious Romanian concoction made from tripe!
Just to remind me. Tripe is...
It's the intestine, it's the stomach of a cow.
Now, Igor, you slice up the stomach
while I attend to the rest of the brew.
To wit, a tin of cheap vegetable soup and a slug of vinegar. Yum.
I'm feeling really quite lively now. Right.
Oh!
If you've got some pickled vegetables, throw 'em in.
That's got nothing to do with the recipe, has it?
No. It'll greatly improve it, I promise you.
Tonic water? Is it in the recipe?
No, it's not. Then why are you putting it in? All right, I won't.
I've put in chilli pepper. I mean, chilli's a natural anti-inflammatory.
It eases hangover pain.
Fantastic!
And a generous dash of double cream.
I think that looks utterly, utterly delicious.
I think it's going to be very difficult to know
whether we produce a BBC recipe sheet
or one of those things that says,
"If you've been affected by any issues in this programme..."
Viewers of a nervous disposition should look away now.
Nice, smells OK.
Have you ever thought of a second career as a hoover?
Just you try. Just you...?
Oh, that was disgusting.
Is it a nice big bit?
As you swallow it, you can feel it desperately trying
to rise back up your throat.
Actually, that is disgusting.
It's beginning to froth.
Look at that. That's now looking like great balls of snot,
sort of licking around
in a foul orange, turbulent witch's cauldron of muck.
Now to put our hangover cures to the test. Right.
Four blokes who felt considerably better early yesterday evening.
Now, these are to try and make you face the day
with a little more optimism than you expected.
Now, this is called the Red Eye.
Cheers, fellas. Cheers.
That's a bit strong. It is intense, that.
Your eyes are actually watering.
Too much chilli. There's no such thing as too much chilli.
You know, do you cook for yourselves? Yeah. Yeah.
Then you know exactly what this will taste like. Absolutely brilliant.
If you want to know more about our hangover cures, press the red button.
Only joking. OK, here we go, fellas. This is going to do you good.
Here we go.
Disgusting!
You're crying.
It's made him cry.
A grown man crying.
Have some more. No. It's all right, thank you.
It was tripe.
I also added in various other things like vinegar,
cos I thought I liked the look of it. Olive?
No, that was unfortunately something that I ate last night.
OTHERS LAUGH
I think what we need to do then is to...
Here's to health, and here's to what everyone says when they've got a hangover.
I am never going to drink again!
Cheers.
The best hangover cure is not to drink too much in the first place.
I'm going to need some soft drinks in my bar.
Ginger beer? Perfect.
Step this way, sir. The Seven Stars in Falmouth.
Why am I feeling vaguely suspicious? I've no idea...
Reverend. Good evening.
My name is Oz, this is Hugh. Nice to meet you.
The barman is wearing a dog collar.
That's a new direction for the C of E. There's something else I haven't told you.
Is that Colin there? That is Colin, yes.
Lovely to meet you. This is Hugh.
I've heard about this terrifying drink that you make.
Alcoholic ginger beer.
Very alcoholic ginger beer, let's say that.
When I got hold of the recipe, when my nan died,
I made her exact recipe, I had hydrometers and it was 9%.
9%!
Ginger beer at 9%.
All the neighbours were very happy.
Would you like to try some? Definitely.
Couple of halves to start? What do you take me for?
Someone with absolutely no interest in soft drinks.
That is powerful stuff.
There's a lot of ginger in there.
I can feel a fire all over my tongue. Bit of burn there, yes.
And how do you get the beautiful clarity that you can see through?
That's basically ginger.
What do you think of that, then? I think it's absolutely brilliant.
What I think is great, though, is the fact
it's obviously a very popular local drink, isn't it?
Here, that's about as individual a pub as you can possibly get,
and all the beers in there are local Cornish beers.
And then you've got this amazing drink.
And it's also fantastic that it is run by a priest.
That, I like. Who is right in the middle of his community.
Well, if a priest is supposed to know all about human nature,
where better to learn about it than behind the bar of a pub?
And the whole of brewing really was a monastic thing, wasn't it?
Absolutely right. I'm learning, aren't I? You are.
Feeling suitably blessed, it's time to leave Cornwall and head east.
Next up, the sweet taste of Somerset.
The thing about Glastonbury, which is thrilling, is that in Arthurian legend,
the island of Avalon is based in Glastonbury.
And Avalon was a magic island in the middle of a lake
and what kind of island was it?
It was an island of magic apples, it was the apple island.
Avalon means "the island of apples".
And we are going to the cider maker
bang in the middle of the Arthurian world of Avalon.
This is the real Somerset.
None of your imported concentrates and fancy bottles down here,
just dry and sweet farmhouse cider,
blended by Roger Wilkins.
This is Hugh. Nice to meet you.
There you are with your glass. A glass of dry?
I'd like some of that, I really would.
Thank you very much.
That's fantastic. Nice and refreshing.
What kind of varieties have you got in there? A mixture.
I was always told years ago, to blend your apples up, blend your cider up.
I learned it off me grandfather years ago, like.
There weren't no chemists about in they days, but the blokes
that used to make it knowed what they were doing.
All by taste, and that's all's I do, is taste everything.
I just think that true cider
is the most natural of all the British drinks.
Purer than the water you'll get out the tap.
So, if we're talking about cider and health,
do you believe it really is good for you? Well, I don't know.
It haven't never hurt me yet and I've drunk me share,
but I hope I'm going to have a drop more.
What does your share mean?
Well, I used to drink about 20 pints, one time, a day. Of this?
And where do you sell it, here? Yeah.
What, if I came in and said, "Can I have a pint of cider?"
I could sit down and have a pint of cider? I can't see your till.
I mean, where do you take my money?
Oh, don't keep a till.
This is the biggest honesty box in England? That's it, yeah.
This is wonderful.
You got any houses to buy around here?
Perfect.
Well, looks like I'm driving.
I'm kind of hoping Oz is going to drink quite a lot.
Cos if he goes to sleep, he might stop talking.
Well, Oz is certainly sold on Roger's cider, but isn't cider just cider?
I mean, is it really different from the stuff you get from the supermarket?
In fact, that gives me an idea.
According to Oz, if it's mass-produced it can't be good.
Frankly, that's just snobbery
and I mean to prove it right here at a festival of cider and perry.
Now, cider comes from apples and perry comes from pears,
but so does something else.
Babycham!
What are you doing? Filling a barrel full of Babycham.
Why?
Cos I'm going to test your ridiculous theory.
We give this a name, we both go and sell it in this cider festival,
we tell people that it comes from a small producer
in upper Herefordshire.
They will not know the difference.
It's fundamentally dishonest.
No, it's not. We'll tell them at the end.
We're not going to charge them anything for it.
I think the chances of it succeeding are completely zero.
What shall we call it?
Um, Choke Dog.
Choke Dog is a well known perry pear. Honey Knob.
We can call it Shambling.
Cos it's Babycham.
Shambling Honey Dog. Honey Knob.
Honey Knob? I spell knob with a K. There you go.
Shambling Honey Knob.
Let's see if I can persuade some discerning perry drinkers
that my mass-produced drink is just as good as all this local stuff.
And so the acid test.
Now, who would like some of this?
I'll have some of that.
Tell us what you think. Shambling Honey Knob.
That's really nice.
Do you like it? It's, um... Yes, I do.
Carefully thought through and... Absolutely, yes.
..beautifully manufactured? Beautifully manufactured.
Slips down. Slips down? Fantastic.
Can you taste the loving way in which it's been produced?
Yes, it's quite... Yeah.
That's nice. It's slightly meady but it's got the lovely bubbles.
Do you want some? Do you want some perry?
Don't be so cocky. Here's one of the organisers.
She'll see through this sham.
And the verdict is?
But I like this. It's got nice fizz to it.
It's just... It's really refreshing.
I can't believe it! I am really beginning to enjoy myself.
Do you want some? Best perry I've had today.
He thinks it's the best perry he's had today.
In Kent, we say this tastes proper.
Yeah, it does taste proper.
Can you tell where they come from?
Who crushed 'em? Did you crush them? Shall we tell you who crushed 'em?
Who crushed 'em? Babycham.
THEY LAUGH
Shoot me down. I don't want it any more.
Can't tell you how happy that's made me.
Who wants some more Babycham?
Maybe they've been swayed by Hugh's irresistible charm and effortless authority.
Yeah, he'd love to smile, yeah.
'I think I've proved my point.'
Now, any self-respecting cider festival
must also include that well known pastime - pig racing.
The noise reminds me of you after you've finished dinner.
'I'll get my own back. I think I fancy the red head.'
Terry. Terry. Now listen to me.
I'm just trying to assert myself over the pig.
You ready? Right, so it's up and down and first one back to the pig pen.
With a bucketful of apples. Easy. Go!
Brilliant. Oz Clark eats dirt.
Let's see that again!
Oh, please. So predictable!
Just enjoy it. You prostrate in front of a pig.
THEME FROM "CHARIOTS OF FIRE" PLAYS
Yes, yes. Well, back to the race.
And my pig takes it by a nose.
All that for nothing.
All right, Hugh. You win. God.
I'll buy you a drink.
Lovely view, eh?
Fantastic view. Here you are, old chap.
Your drink.
Don't look at me like that. That is your drink.
Thank you very much. That's very kind of you.
I drink your health. Was it expensive? A third of a pint.
It seemed if you were starting, I'd better get you a starter's glass.
Is there a model village or something round here?
Do you know term pub only started being used in the 19th century?
And yet the public house is where pubs come from.
A woman would brew some ale and to make a few pence,
she would then put a broom outside her door
and that was the first pub sign.
And travellers would know that if there was a broom outside the door,
that that lady had some ale which she'd brewed for sale.
What's the connection?
Like saying, "I sell vegetables, I'm going to put a penguin out front."
That is as ridiculous.
No, it's not, because there weren't any penguins in the 8th century in England.
There weren't any vegetables. There was very little.
A penguin isn't a vegetable. What are you talking about?
There weren't any penguins?
You're just trying to use your massive intellect on confusing me.
You're the one who's drunk faster than I have.
You said there weren't any penguins, there weren't any vegetables.
I said there weren't either. There were neither.
Do you know whether...
It was the Dark Ages.
For 500 years, nothing happened, people didn't have things.
It was very cold.
It was. I've got the giggles.
You just don't want to learn, do you?
I know things.
OK, so far, we've got beer for the chaps,
and my mass-produced perry drink for the ladies. Not in my bar!
What if our customers want something, you know, a bit classier?
Champagne?
That's not exactly British, is it? Where are you taking me?
'The vineyard at Nyetimber.'
This may seem to you like the depths of Sussex woodland,
but this soil is exactly the same soil as the soil in Champagne.
As we come out at the top here, look at that!
These guys here have been making a sparkling wine
in exactly the same way as champagne
from exactly the same grape varieties,
which has been sweeping the board
and beating the French at their own game.
Meet Brad and Cheri - a pair of crafty Canadians
who produce this world-class British bubbly.
Cheers, guys. Cheers. Thank you.
Here's to the British vintage of 2010.
I let Oz taste, then he tells me what I should think.
Jolly nice. And then I say something roughly the same. Very nice.
And it has bubbles I've noticed. Excellent.
He's a slow learner but, you know... Getting there!
The only reason I would say it wasn't champagne
is cos it's actually too good.
That's the only reason. Well, we're pleased to hear that.
The French sparkling wine industry is based on the same soil.
What is the temperature difference?
So how much hotter does England have to get?
The Champagne region is less than a degree Centigrade,
and in the last 20 years, we have warmed up by at least a degree,
so we are now, our temperature now is sort of like
the Champagne temperature would have been at the end of the 1980s.
Yeah. When they made some wonderful champagne.
You make wine sparkle by creating a second fermentation inside the bottle.
This leaves a sediment of dead yeast cells
which needs to be removed by "degorgement".
So, the trick is to lift the neck of the bottle up
and remove the cap at exactly the same time,
so that the air bubble, with pressure,
pushes the yeast out of the bottle leaving only the clear wine behind.
One, two, three.
Not bad.
I think that the person who actually spills the least wine
actually gets the chance to choose Nyetimber for the pub.
'And now for a degorgement masterclass.'
I'm going to put that like that,
I'm going to pull and...
I've only lost about half a bottle.
I was a bit slow on the thumb.
Right, so just checking,
if I do better than you I can choose to have this stuff for the pub?
That's the deal.
I feel like I've won a grand prix or something.
OK, fair's fair. The choice is yours.
I will have Nyetimber for the pub.
Oh, the humiliation!
Well, that's another great British drink for my bar.
OK, you won.
But it's not all about drink.
We need to think about entertainment, too.
Where do you stand on the pub game then? I think it's like...
Do you like Devil Amongst the Tailors, for instance?
I've no idea what it is. Sounds good.
What happens? I'm trying to remember.
OZ GUFFAWS
Bat and Trap, that's pretty good.
That's a Kent game.
Ring the Bull - tried that?
I think I would have remembered.
Aunt Sally. Have you played Aunt Sally?
You're making all this up again, aren't you?
Next, you'll tell me you've never heard of Dwile Flonking! Dwile what?
CHEERING
And basically it's an ancient court game,
from the court of King Offer in Mercia,
often played to the Waverny Rules. 1585, they were invented.
The people round the edge are "girters".
There's someone in the middle who is actually going to be Dwile Flonking.
Got a swage on the end of his driveller
and basically he's trying to score a wanton, a morther, or a ripple.
Three points, two points, one point. They're starting.
OK, so that's clear as mud.
The girl in the middle stirs a sponge in beer then chucks it at the yokels,
all while a bloke dressed as the Child Catcher plays the bagpipes.
Just another drinking game.
Exactly! Now, before we can play, we've got to get into character.
Did I say I wanted to play?
Right!
I am completely lost.
Come on, Hugh, keep up.
Is it a rule that you have to look like one of the Wurzels?
Close, close. A bit yokelish, yeah.
Now, I usually play by the Norwich rules, but this is Lewes.
You call it swadger, I call it driveller.
So, obviously you're playing by different rules.
Oz is questioning the rules. He does this kind of stuff all the time.
WHISTLE To the right!
Now, pay attention. It's one, two or three points depending on where you hit the body.
WHISTLE, CHEERING
And what happens then? Guess.
Of course. It's down in one.
Any way you wish. And to the left.
Now, watch a master at work.
My aim is true.
Look. My pants are all wet.
Yep, Oz has targeted an innocent lady in an inappropriate place.
We have a hesitation.
I didn't know I was supposed to do it. I just told you!
You didn't tell me when. I blew the whistle.
Two points away for Mr Clarke. Hesitation!
This is what you've been waiting for.
WHISTLE
SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
WHISTLE, CHEERING
I'll give you that. I'm ripe for kissing.
I'm absolutely covered in Lewes beer.
Uh oh. Look out, girls!
Rubbish.
WHISTLE
I think I can get away with this. Just make like a very bad Morris dancer.
WHISTLE
Another shot to the groin!
There was a degree of hesitation there, but I did like the shot.
I got him in the BLEEP.
I think he needs to do the beer. And I think I know what comes next.
WHISTLE
SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
Suddenly, I think I feel an affectionate moment coming on.
'Oh, no. Not even if you are ripe for kissing.'
At last, a drinker is born.
Can I say just at this moment - I've never found you less attractive
than I do at the moment.
So, watch closely. It's three points for the ultimate flonk -
that's a swage to the head from the flonker's driveller.
I think he did that on purpose. Yep, and I think I know who paid him.
So that's Dwile Flonking. Fancy it for our pub?
I think I'll stick to darts.
Right, Oz is sober enough to drive.
Although, of course, that does have its downside.
OK, left hand side of the road - perfect, brilliant.
Now, this'll be a test. How wide am I?
Oh! Was that close? Well, was it or not?
Yes. Because that's what I need to know. Here, I'll slow down and nothing will happen.
Slow down for him because he's a car. I know, but I did miss that van.
You think it was your skill that enabled that van not to hit you, whereas in fact...
He's sitting in a ditch at the moment, wondering who that that Dutch lunatic is.
We've already gathered some excellent British drinks for our pub,
but we've been missing a trick.
Britain is a nation of home brewers.
Are we covered if we poison our customers?
We won't. For one morning only, it's the home brewing roadshow!
That bloke on the left looks like a home brewer.
Fred and Dolly Freebury have an orchard in Somerset and they make their own cider.
What was your inspiration to start brewing, then?
The apples were going to waste and it just seemed...
The natural thing to do was to turn it into cider.
Took the bits out of an old washing machine, built it up. It chops the apples up nice.
I've got high hopes of your Old Gutrot.
I think that's a remarkably sophisticated cider.
Really? You can really smell the orchard in it,
and that lovely sense of autumn.
But it is very, very drinkable. He's a very good judge, cos of his complete ignorance.
I find my enormous knowledge gets in the way.
I'm learning. So does he.
The oldest known drink in Britain is mead -
a fortified liquor made from honey.
Meet Ian Kinnon, Britain's most modern mead maker.
That slips down really quickly and then it hits the back of your throat and you go...
Mead was the warrior's drink. Yes. It's the oldest drink there is.
It's pre-Celtic almost.
It's certainly Celtic. I think it goes back 6-7,000 years, they think.
Goes back forever. Yeah. Are there commercial meads? There are, yes.
I used to use them a lot as a student. For reasons I don't even want to discuss with you.
Mead and incense was my recipe for success.
That's a very nice drink.
Is that getting you in the back of the throat? It is. So it should. That's the alcohol.
14% alcohol will get you there.
I think that mead is a really lovely example of kind of drink we never see nowadays.
Brilliant. Thank you very much indeed. Thanks for that.
And finally, music technology lecturer Doug Rouxel, who brews traditional bitter in his study.
What have you got for us? Just a bitter.
It's got a really nice honeyed, malty quality.
Tastes very good, don't you think?
It's delicious.
It's, like, proper, isn't it? It's delicious. Now, are you using a kit for this?
No, this is all grain, so from scratch.
You make a real, proper beer. Refreshing and bright and...
Nutty. Stop it.
Intense. Stop it!
I'm so pleased with these beers. I'm getting this idea that we might even be able to have
a home brew section in my side of the bar.
Your side as well, if you want.
We've got to make a choice, haven't we? Do we take one, two or three?
I really don't know. That doesn't surprise me.
Actually, it is time we divvied up the drinks for the pub, starting with the mead.
I don't mind it, but my feeling is that unless Friar Tuck
comes into the pub, it's not going to be a big seller.
I like this. I think these home brewers were fantastic.
This was the other home brew. I do think that is a remarkable achievement. So do I.
So, how are we going to decide, then?
Well, OK. We've got the mead and the beer. We've got one each.
Yeah, but you've already got mead, so I get that.
That was a really useless piece of negotiating.
Let's see what else we've got. Ah, yes.
Jellyfish beer, offal beer are mine
because I recognised offal in the beer, at Sharps, didn't I?
You didn't. That was the deal.
Hey, I was within that much of getting it right.
I was just about to tell you what kind of liver was in it.
I was. What kind of liver was it?
I can't remember.
Grandma's Weapons Grade ginger beer.
I don't think it'll sell. It's nice. I just can't see anybody wanting it.
You're going on, "I don't think it's going to sell," you and your sort of brand orientation.
I'm going on what I think will be really good to give
the customers on my side of the bar pleasure. A treat.
OK, I'll have it. What'll give my customers pleasure on my side of the bar
is seeing your customers on your side of the bar drinking that.
Very clever. Right, what next?
Ah, now this is good. That's mine.
Cos I won the degorgement competition.
Is that what it's called, degorgement?
Now that you've learnt the term.
Oh, ha-ha! My negotiation techniques have suddenly got better. I'm having this.
That's not a technique, a negotiation, saying, "I'm having that." Then it'll suit me fine.
Are we going to see more cider? Might do.
OK, you have that. And we've done all these.
Where are we going next? Ah, next.
Somewhere small, artisan, rustic.
You'll like it.
London. The Thames. Isn't it fantastic!
It is fantastic, but what has it got to do with beer
apart from being roughly the same colour as quite a lot of the stuff you've forced me to drink?
Cynic, cynic! The great modern beer styles were invented in London.
London at one time was the largest brewing capital in the world,
and the reason that London was so important was trade and the Industrial Revolution.
And two incredibly important types of beer were invented on the Thames here.
One was Dark Porter, and one was India Pale Ale.
The stronger style of porter was called stout.
In fact, Guinness in Ireland is a stout.
You'd never have Guinness if they hadn't invented porter here.
We're taking the boat down to Greenwich.
The Meantime Brewery is reviving the whole idea of brewing down there
and - you're going to like this - they're brewing lager.
They're reinventing proper lager.
I'm going to prove to Hugh that lager doesn't have to be tasteless foreign muck.
Just because it's foreign doesn't mean it's rubbish.
No, but we can compete with the best when it comes to really good lager,
and Peter Haydon, director of the Meantime Brewery, is going to help me prove my point.
One of these is brewed by Peter at Meantime,
the other three are international brands.
I want you to taste these four beers,
and tell me which one you like best.
'Have I taught him anything?'
Sniffing, I've learnt that. Yep, good.
Can't work out whether you'll be happy or disturbed.
It doesn't really taste of anything. Doesn't taste of anything.
'Hopefully that was a foreign lager. Beer number two.
'Come on, Hugh. Don't let me down.'
Taste of anything? Mm.
'Lager number three.
'This, ladies and gentlemen, is what is called the Dennis poker face.
'Now, the last lager - the future of beer as we know it is at stake.'
Which do I prefer? Yep.
That one's got far more taste than any of the others,
and I think I prefer that one.
Peter, tell us what we've got.
Cheers. London Lager by Meantime Brewery. Hey!
You are learning. The other three are brands which are just about brands,
and this is a beer which is about tasting good.
Peter, why is it better?
Because it's made properly. The word lager is the German word for store.
To lager a beer is to mature it,
and the big guys have decided the best way to make profit
is to cut the maturation time and cut and cut and cut, so there's none left.
Just down to a day or two? Yes. How long have you matured that for?
This is at least 28 days' maturation.
I hate to have fallen into your trap.
I'm delighted. I'm delighted. I am, cos I think your tastebuds are waking up.
'Maybe, but the rest of me wants to go to sleep.'
Right, next stop? The drink London's always been most famous for - gin.
And a truly local distiller.
I actually haven't... actually been here.
I've got a map here of South Devon,
Brixham to Newton Ferrers, that's it.
I tell you what, next road down, Jilly Goolden used to live in it when I first met her.
You don't know where she lives now? Has she told you?
No. She's trying to avoid me!
Now, somewhere round her lies a custom-made, copper pot still in a converted garage.
Ah-ha!
Workplace of Sam Galsworthy a man as smooth as his gin.
Come on in. This is where the magic happens. Cor!
'Behold Prudence - incredibly, London's first custom-made gin still for 189 years.
'This young lady transforms water from the source of the Thames into gin,
'with only a little help from juniper berries, crushed almonds, orange peel and liquorice root.'
The key bit we're at now. All the botanicals, apart from the citrus, which we'll put in in a second,
went in last night. So we have a 12-hour maceration.
So what I'd love to do now is invite you to add
those last two botanicals, the orange peel and the lemon peel.
Pull that back over there. Open it up. Should be a wonderful waft
of a 12-hour maceration. It's fantastic! Isn't it great?
I'll lob some Seville orange in.
I should probably have chosen some lemon.
There you go, close it up.
That's Prudence fully loaded up.
Now, come on here and let's turn her on.
Swirling around, and heating up.
Just mild heat at the bottom.
This is the beginning of something very, very special.
What'll happen in a minute is a wonderful white vociferous bubble
will occur and that is the alcohol turning from a liquid to a vapour.
And what'll happen is it'll rise up through this helmet, up through the swan's neck,
their vapours will run right away along that overhead pipe, down into the condenser.
This is colder, then? This is actually for the vodka, cos we make a gin and a vodka.
That's got nothing to do with it? It doesn't. Nothing to do with it.
That's the condenser and that's just got a coil in. Full marks. Yeah.
You are such a kind marker. This is only used for vodka.
This is the condenser, which has a coil in it.
I might apply for a job on Blue Peter at the end of this.
It might be the only option left for me.
You can always get a job at Sipsmith. We'll be glad to have you.
Is this a tradition which has been completely lost, small-scale distilling?
Yes, I think in all honesty it has. The bigger guys have got bigger,
and for us it was all about reintroducing the sense of craftsmanship.
Everything that we do here is essentially done by hand.
It's all hand crafted, there are no major pipes,
there's no huge buttons, you know, we have two incredible distillers on hand that really work.
Well, thank God we're here.
Substitute for the day.
And if you have a good look in there, you can see a wonderful vociferous.
It's all foaming. Energetic boil.
And here we go, guys.
This is the heads of the gin coming over here. Let's go.
Got it. So, that's closing, move that,
take that away and put that on, wait, lift that up,
hold that up for me, I've got to tear the weight, perfect.
And down it goes.
And that is the heart cup, that's the bit that's bright and flavoursome and tasty,
and these are the bits that capture the flavour.
'Sam's sounding like the back of a bottle again. But now for the taste test.'
It's creamy, isn't it?
It's richer in the mouth.
A lot of commercial gin is rather thin in the mouth.
That citrus thing is most evident, isn't it? It's amazing you get that just from those four bits of peel
and yet, having been distilled, you can still get it.
REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS Sam also makes vodka in his still
and I've got my eye on both his spirits for my bar.
Um, why the reggae music?
Because our final port of call in London is Cottons' Rhum Shack
for another great British spirit for our pub.
But rum is not British, is it?
Yeah, rum is British. Rum is fundamentally British.
The British Navy ran on rum.
Basically, the British Navy had a tot of rum every single day,
every single sailor until about 40 years ago.
Rum is a British drink. It is not a British drink.
Hugh, we'll prove it in here.
'We're here to meet Ian Burrell, rum expert and all-round dude.'
How you doing, guys?
'What this man doesn't know about rum wouldn't even fill a shot glass.'
Welcome to my little Rhum Shack.
I've never seen so many rums in my life.
We've got a few. There's rums from all over the world. Which type of rum would you like?
Ah, now could you make us two glasses of grog?
I haven't had anyone ask for a grog for a long time. Two grogs coming up. Two grogs, please.
No-one drinks grog. I thought everyone would know grog.
Why? It's because it's this famous drink.
The British Navy used to all have half a pint of rum a day, about 80% alcohol.
Eventually Admiral Vernon said everyone was getting too hammered
and he said, "You're going to have to serve the grog watered down,"
and the way they did it was put water with it.
That is basically how you do water things down.
One of the key components of watering things down is to add water.
You must have been a real pain in the neck at school. I was. Not the neck. No.
Two grogs for you. Thank you very much. This should warm you up. Thank you.
Cheers. Splice the main brace.
Splice the main brace.
Do you see how the drink would have been good, though? Basically just rum, water,
lime, either with or without sugar.
It's not a British drink though, is it?
Oh, no. It's definitely a British drink. Rum is a British drink?
Of course. The actual ingredients were British.
The Brits were the first to start blending rum and made it a commercially viable product.
They blended rums, sold it around the world, took it from all the colonies, it's definitely British.
'Oh, dear. OK, Oz wins the argument, but the problem is, when Oz is right, he becomes overconfident
'and when that happens he can't help but take people on.'
Don't go against me, it'd be unfair, but maybe challenge my bartender
and see if you can make a better cocktail than he can.
You up for the challenge, Jules?
Yeah, yeah. I'll take over and you challenge these guys. Please don't let Oz make a cocktail.
Is he that bad, is he?
If he went to a boxing match, if he met Klitschko, for example, he would give him boxing tips.
Well, I know a bit about it. You don't.
'The stakes are high. It's master rum mixer Jules versus Oz, who grew up in Kent
'and would call drinking a can of Lilt a genuine Caribbean experience.
'Oh, dear.'
'He looks like he really means business. Luckily I have the full support of my team-mate.'
My prediction would be that we will lose so badly we have to run all the way to the station.
'And we're off.
'Jules is doing a classic reggae rum punch. Look at that technique.
'Whereas our technique is looking like we don't have any technique.'
Something simple, OK? Can you give us your best tropical juice?
I really love lychee juice.
'Lychee juice! What, Caribbean cocktails as drunk in Beijing?'
You want grenadine? Shall we put some rum in, seeing as that's what the cocktail's based on?
Look at the way Jules does that. Yeah, that's excellent.
'Jules adds orange, pineapple juice and grenadine to his rum.'
'What, no lychee juice then?'
Passionfruit. Passionfruit, sure.
Passionfruit. It needs more rum. No, it doesn't need any more rum.
Raspberries! Raspberries, yeah.
Ice. Ice.
Oh, hello!
'With the Rhum Shack's honour at stake, Jules pulls out all the stops.'
Champagne.
'And, judging by Ian's face, it looks like Oz has just ruined any chance we ever had of winning.'
Stir a tiny little bit of... I think we could release that on the public.
'So, the mixing is over and its time to find out if Oz has managed the improbable.
'Jules' punch has the straws, and ours doesn't.
'Now, Ian tries them on his customers.'
'It could be the last time he ever sees them.'
Prefer the one with the straw, yeah?
That one's easier to drink. You prefer that one? Yeah.
I'm sure I said a sip!
'It's not looking good.'
I think this is a contender, I put in some champagne on the top of it. I just thought...
Prefer the one with the straw? Ooh, 4-2 to the straws.
I like the one without the straw. You like the one without the straw, you like with the straw?
She's finishing it.
Yeah, she's finishing it.
Yeah, the one without the straw.
'Could this be a comeback? To the results!'
Listen, listen. OK, guys, with six votes we had Jules.
I can't believe this - and with seven votes, we have Oz and Hugh's.
CHEERING
Where's Jules? How are you, mate? Bottle of rum.
He's making another one.
I think we should all celebrate and have a bit more Rum Shack fun with a little limbo dancing.
CHEERING Not us.
I think the winners should be going first. Oh, no!
Tradition, tradition!
'There we have it. We've won, and we both deserve rum for our pub.
'And maybe you actually do know what you're talking about.
'Stick with me, son!'
If that's not British, it should be.
And we won!
We won, ha!
We won, oh, we won.
So the South has ended on a high.
We've started stocking our competing bars and it's only just begun.
If you're going to do it, hang on.
Next time we cross British borders to Scotland and Ireland.
It's off to the Inner Hebrides and Easdale Island's most popular, and only, pub. Slainte mhor.
Slainte mhor.
Oz's Irish roots prove no help at all.
Do you know the difference between Irish and Scots whisky? Well, I'm almost trying,
can't bloody get to see... Didn't understand a word he said.
And Hugh takes a beating when I discover a smashing traditional pub game.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk