'Hugh Dennis and I are on a mission to set up two bars
'packed full of the best independent drinks that Britain has to offer.
'Oh, at last, a drinker is born.'
Yes, it seems that the British pub is under threat.
So Oz Clarke and I plan to breathe life back into this much-loved institution.
'We don't agree what makes a perfect pub so we'll open our own bars and go head to head for one night only.
'But before that, we'll battle over the unsung heroes of British drinks to stock our cellars.
'And all in the name of research...'
That is the liquid equivalent of barbed wire.
'..although you could be forgiven for thinking the whole thing was just a chance for a road trip
'in a camper van, where we didn't pay much priority to either hygiene or decorum.'
'So far, we've popped our corks in the south of England,
'destroyed more synapses than we can spare in the South West...'
That is powerful stuff.
'..and left those who tried our hangover cures thinking they'd rather have the hangover.'
Now we're heading to Scotland and Ireland to continue our search for the hidden gems of British drink.
Cheers. 'The fresher the better.'
I've got this one going like a power shower. 'Where you find the most unconventional of pub games.'
Too strong. Too strong.
'There'll be no holds barred.'
All the whisky in Scotland.
'May the best man win!'
This time.
I've really been looking forward to this bit of the journey,
because I love Scotland and I love the whole romance of the place.
I love the hills and the heather and the mist.
The sense you're away from it all, the glens, the lochs, glistening in the sunshine.
And this is, you know, beer-making, fine, this, Scottish whisky, is like
the romantic centre of British alcohol. Would you ever wear a kilt?
I've worn women's clothing, obviously, everyone's done that, but...
A kilt technically isn't women's clothing, is it?
Not if you're Scottish. Of course, to the rest of the world, yes, it is.
Basically, up here, rather than a kilt, what you really want to wear is a huge two-legged duvet.
So that's our entry for Dragon's Den sorted out.
We'd better get back to the job in hand, though.
We still need more drinks for our bar.
'Calm down, dear. First, I'm going to give you an initiation into whisky.
'Glasgow's got 600 pubs and counting, but I've found one
'which stocks an amazing 500 different types of malt whisky.
'Which is great, but it's only ten in the morning and I don't really drink.
'Owner Ken Storrie's the ultimate whisky buff, so listen and learn.'
'OK. Lead on, Macduffer.' Hey, Ken, hi. How are you? This is...
Hi, I'm Hugh. Oh, that's it, yeah.
Nice to see you, Hugh. I've come here cos you've got the best whisky collection I know anywhere.
I just want you to give us some of it and explain the fantastic differences in whiskies.
Whiskies are just as different as glasses of wine.
There you go. What do I do with it?
Have a small taste, just hold it there on your palate.
This whisky has spent ten years in an ex-American bourbon barrel.
That's where you get all the flavours from.
Good bit of that. Hm, smells like a verdello.
Do you know what a verdello is? No, and I don't want to know.
See, no-one knows, Oz, no-one knows. You could say anything.
Now, this is a good point. This is a single malt whisky, isn't it?
Yeah, single malt. You tell me what you think a single malt is.
It's just one type of barley, presumably, isn't it?
It's actually whisky made in a single distillery. I tell you what, have you got some blends? Yeah.
Could we put some blends...? Blends and malts?
A blend and malt up, to see.
Because basically, the malt whisky should have a pure statement of where it comes from, what it is, whereas
a blend is more likely to be a sort of generalised view of what whisky might be supposed to taste like.
Oh, look at those. Five single malts and one of them is a blended whisky.
Do you two know about whisky? Drink it a little bit.
Well, come on then, you come and laugh at my friend Hugh.
There's six whiskies. And what's your name?
Frank. So you're going to pick out a blended whisky from six here? I am.
Just by nosing? Just by nosing.
My whole career's been based on nosing. No chance. No chance.
I tell you what, there you go, no chance at all. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!
A nice Scottish £20 note. You're not serious. 40.
There you are, I'll make it 60.
£60! Is that just by your nose, you're going to pick out that blend?
Hey, I tell you what, look, that's not fair.
If you're shoving that money in, you two have got to do it as well.
Aye, cool, no worries. I'm into it.
Cos you'll take till sunset, anyway.
They've all got mixed up anyway now.
Have you any ideas? I've got no idea. I would say number one. Why?
Why. That is the question I was hoping you wouldn't ask.
Cos it doesn't taste of any one particular thing. It's a sort of...blend.
That's actually quite a reasonable account of yourself, but I agree with you, I think it's number one.
I'm going for number one as well.
Maybe he does know what he's talking about.
Right, unfortunately yous are all right, number one.
So who gets the money?
I get the money. The money pays for the whisky.
Thank you. Good God, I was... Congratulations.
Yeah, and at this point, I'll tell you, that was just a guess.
'There was I thinking you'd actually learnt something.
'So that's it then, is it?
'Bit of a nose and then we're off?
'Aren't we even going to choose a whisky for our bar?
'Not yet. Your whisky enlightenment isn't complete.
'Anyway, you're driving.
'I've already had a dram.'
Right, well, if I'm driving, that also puts me in charge of the in-car entertainment.
# Old man river
# That old man river... #
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: # ..He just keep rolling
# He all keep rolling
# That old man river
# He just keep rolling along. #
That sounds very good. I mean, if Hinge and Brackett ever need a spare.
You could have Hinge and Spanner.
You could be Hinge and Big End.
Thanks. 'Well, if ever you needed proof
'that karaoke is a bad idea for a pub, that was it.
'We're off to Perthshire to look for more possible drinks for our pub.
'Cairn O' Mohr make fruit wines from the fruit, leaves and flowers that grow nearby.
'Fruit wine? Flowers? Leaves?
'Hang on, my image of the hard-drinking Scots is under assault here. Is that alcohol, even?
'Well, some of it is.
'Judy and Ron Gillies have also come up with an ingenious use
'for their surplus bottles - a brilliant new pub game. Really?
'This one's definitely original.
'The aim is to smash a bottle on the target to score a point.
'Right, so a cross between darts and a student riot.
'OK, then. Winner takes all the fruit wine for the pub.'
It's not like bowling, because a bottle's different.
It's got a different dynamic as it flies through the air.
And not many people know it, because not many people do it.
Not many people get to throw bottles,
so it's not as easy as it looks.
But you never know, you might do well.
I might be a natural. Right, Oz, your go.
What have you put in this, Ron?
Good luck, Oz. Godspeed. May your shot be true.
Got to be overhand now.
Not that way? Got to be overhand.
Overhand? Overarm, overarm. Does it have to be overhand?
Can I just say, please don't talk to him too much,
cos we could be here till dark. Go on, go on, Oz.
Too strong, too strong.
That's me.
'Oh, close! But it doesn't count if it doesn't smash.
'Yeah, OK, then.
'Well, let's see if you can do any better.'
CHEERING
That was fantastic.
It was dead centre.
Dead centre. Dead centre. We have a clear winner here.
And it's... Was that bottle tampered with?
..Oz Clarke. Wa-hey!
We should give Oz a bottle of wine for his pub.
Of course. Six bottles! Which one would you like?
Is there elderflower, have you got any of that? Elderflower wine?
Elderflower sparkling, or... Non-alcohol sparkling?
Which have you got? Non-...?
Non-alcoholic sparkling.
That's not a bad idea.
Why are you looking at me? It's in your pub.
No, because it'll give you something to drink when you come to my side of the pub. Yeah, that'd be great, yeah.
I tell what, I'd like just a bottle of the raspberry, to show everybody
what a good Scottish raspberry tastes like, freshly drawn off the bush.
Brilliant. 'Well, it certainly makes traditional darts look a bit last year, although it would need a pub
'with a massive garden, and it might be a bit dangerous near the children's play area.
'Anyway, you're welcome to the fruit wine. It's the whisky I'm after.
'When are we going to get some? 'Not yet. You have to be patient.
'You've got a one-track mind at the moment.'
You see, why is your mind so little and your head is so big?
I don't know, I think it's got a lot of air round it.
I think you'd find that an awful lot of the inside of it is jelly.
If Heston Blumenthal opened your head up, he'd probably be quite excited by the possibilities.
He is very scientific in his approach to food, isn't he?
He comes up with these wonderful weird recipes but all he's doing,
he is cooking the recipes of a man who's come back drunk from the pub.
You know, "I'll have pork pie with marmalade and mayonnaise."
We've all done that. I've done that, I do that.
There's nothing new in that. I do that every week.
'Well, the next possible drink for our pub
'is from a brewer who makes just about the most Scottish beer
'you could possibly think of.
'We're heading to Loch Fyne in South West Argyll, which is the longest sea loch in Scotland.
'Yeah, which is interesting but irrelevant.
'Hang on, we're here to continue your whisky education. At last.
'By trying a unique Scottish beer matured in old whisky barrels.
'So still not actually whisky then?
'No!'
This is the weirdest brewery I've ever seen.
I didn't say we were going to the brewery.
I said we're going to taste the beer.
You said we were going to Innis and Gunn.
They believe that beer tastes best with food.
Well, where's the food? Here.
In the loch.
In the loch? What, we're fishing? Yeah.
If you don't catch any fish, you don't eat.
'Let's hope brewer Dougal Sharp knows what he's doing or we could go very hungry.'
It's quite difficult fishing with a bottle, isn't it?
It is, yeah. I think I might just try putting this in my pocket.
What goes best with your beer, then? Just fish, is it?
It goes well with all sorts of stuff. Definitely the seafood that you get in this loch,
like lobster, langoustine, would go beautiful with that.
This is a ripe fruit, Hugh, do you get that?
Almost slightly halfway to sort of apples, sort of peaches. No, no. You don't get it? OK.
I'm getting sort of oak-ey, vanilla-ey, toffee-ey things that I've read off the label.
I was just going to say it sounds as though you've been reading the label again!
Excuse me for a second. I'm just...
Oz. What? Just take the Tonke, go to a fish shop.
I'm attempting to play my part in this by fishing for fish.
Fishing for fish. It's all the same.
We looked at the map earlier and there's a loch which I love called Loch Lochy.
I think that's the most fantastic name, don't you? Very efficient.
Loch Lochy. "What do you call this?" "We call this the Rivery River."
I'm really enjoying this, my first drink in two weeks.
Our baby daughter Ruby was born two weeks ago today.
Congratulations, congratulations. Are you exhausted?
Bit of a prickly sleeper.
Can you not give her some beer? That would send her off.
I'd love to but I think Child Protection would have something to say about it!
My pants have just gone slightly wet cos I stepped backwards. It's gone over the top of my waders.
Well, I have heard there's a really nice wee restaurant just along the road here.
Let's go to it. This is a complete mystery to me.
Well, I'm looking forward to this.
This looks fantastic. A proper meal.
Now, which of these did you catch, Hugh? Forgive me, I've forgotten.
Cheers. Here's to fishing. Long may it prosper.
For everybody else except us.
I think the fish are safe around us. So, what's this one I've got here?
This one, it's the Highland, so we've matured that in 21-year-old Speyside whisky barrels.
Very sort of vinegary, isn't it?
Do you find you can really taste the whisky in it?
I can. What I mistook for vinegar is in fact whisky. That's a mistake I've made before.
Your vinaigrettes are famous throughout the Home Counties.
Don't drive after you've been to his for dinner!
Don't drive after a salad at Hugh's!
Exactly, yeah.
"I haven't drunk anything, I've just had some balsamic vinegar."
The scallop would, I think, work really well with the Highland cask because the way the scallop's
been cooked, it's been seared on the outside and you get that lovely sort
of sweet caramelisation and that will work really well, the intensity of flavour with the Highland cask.
You sound remarkably like him, the way you describe it.
Been watching him on the telly.
You know, if it wasn't for the wig, you couldn't tell us apart.
'Have you ever worn a wig? 'I've played General Peron in Evita, one of my greatest performances.
'Yeah, well, I've invented a new salad dressing.
'That makes me the new Paul Newman.
'Did I ever tell you about my time in the theatre?
'Yes, yesterday and the day before, but not now, please, I've got to sort this bed out.
'This came with the van, right?'
A sheet, a fitted sheet to fit this bed.
Watch this.
There's a piece missing.
I do not believe even the Dutch could have actually invented a bed with an entire chunk missing.
The other danger with this bed is if you sit here, on this bit,
and you might in the night, there's nothing underneath,
nothing at all.
You know, you can't have a bloody shower in here without standing in the bog. It's absolutely pathetic.
Don't get anything wet.
What are you doing?
Got one loo roll now.
Well, you try and have a shower in here standing in the bog without getting the loo roll wet.
Also, if you're so keen on it, why don't you remind me to remove the loo roll before I start?
That would be helpful.
I'm staying in here.
Actually, that's quite a good idea.
I think the time has finally come to visit a whisky distillery.
What, and see actual whisky?
We're going to head around the coast to Campbeltown.
It's a bit of a drive but it'll be worth it.
Why are we going to Campbeltown?
Because I think Campbeltown is the forgotten whisky distillery.
Well, not surprising, is it? It's 3,000 miles away.
Will you be quiet and let me say what I'm trying to say?
It's forgotten but it's possibly the greatest of all.
And that's why we're going. Springbank.
And he's doing well? I tell you what he could do even better is change
his name to Springwatch and put a picture of Kate Humble on the label.
'Seriously, though, this is one of the oldest independently owned distilleries in Scotland.
'Frank McHardy has been working here so long, he's already had a single malt named after him.
'Yeah, but he's not a patch on Kate Humble, is he?'
Hello. You're late. Sorry, yeah. What time of day is this?
Well, we didn't realise it was 3,000 miles from the next nearest town.
We need to get going. If you follow me, we'll give you a look round.
'This is the only distillery in Scotland that carries out a 100% of the whisky process under one roof.
'Starting with the malting of the barley, which seems
'to entail Hector here walking up and down with a rake all day.
'Must be a bit of a drag.
'So for the process we looked in a barrel with some frothy stuff.
'Actually, Hugh, that's called the wort, where hot water is added to the mashed barley.
'Then another barrel with more frothy stuff.
'That's the fermentation area where yeast is added to the wort to make the wash.
'The pot stills where the spirit is distilled.
'OK, then finally down to the serious stuff, the alcohol.'
We have three stills here, so we do a form of 2½ distillation when we're making Springbank.
And that is finally the whisky?
That is not whisky. You have to store it
for a minimum period of three years in an oak cask in a warehouse
in Scotland before you can call it Scotch.
Do you want to taste some spirit? Yeah. Well, yes.
Isn't that an incredible colour there? That's copper what, sulphate?
Copper sulphate. There's quite a lot of sulphur in the process and the copper helps to neutralise it.
This is actually between 65% and 70% alcohol...
Be careful with it.
There's very, very little peat influence in this at all.
Oh. That is quite powerful, isn't it?
You're enjoying that. It's remarkably smooth, then, for 70%.
It doesn't actually taste of very much, does it?
I think it's got a... It smells a bit like a sort of a fruit eau de vie from somewhere like France.
It's quite meaty on the palate, and slightly smoky. In the old days...
I mean I started working in 1963 in distilleries, and at that time
you got what they called an official dram - 8am, 12pm, 5pm.
And it was always that that you got...
And people drank it all the time. How much, how big is the dram? Bigger than that.
Happy days.
Happy days, yeah, they were. As far as they can remember.
All right, guys. Now you really want to come and look at some of the good stuff that's in our warehouses.
But actually before that, you have to do a little work.
We've got to get you in a stage where you will appreciate the whisky, so...
I am, I am in a stage where I'll appreciate it.
Well, if you want to follow.
I am, honestly. Follow me, I'll make you even more of a stage.
Come with me. Take that with you.
Yeah, I might need it.
Oh, no, I know what's coming.
These spent barley grains are perfect for recycling as animal feed and we're going to have to shift it.
And we'll show you what you have to do. Oh!
We've got to empty that, haven't we?
You have to empty this. So we have a pair of rubber boots each for you, no expense spared. Right, then.
Is this why this distillery has lasted so long, because you just exploit visiting English people?
Absolutely, yes, nothing we like better.
How do you get in?
One leg over. Don't slip now, take it easy, it's quite slippery.
What do you do - just whack it down the hole? Whack it down the hole.
Are you managing there? Do you want a scaffold?
You want to get in here, cos there are various other holes that I could put this stuff in.
Yes.
Oh, damn! Not so fast.
I'm going, I'm gone!
I feel like a tiny man, digging his way out of a bowl of breakfast cereal.
I suppose we ought to drink to Hugh's health. Slainte. Slainte.
Absolutely lovely. I can just imagine a little bit of water
on the top of it, to just bring out some of that sweetness in it.
Once you take this into a warm atmosphere and add some water,
within no time at all the whole room is filled with the flavours.
Well, maybe this smell will go out of the door and wend its way up towards Hugh.
Eventually, you get so thin doing this that you can just drop yourself down the hole.
Got some gorgeous whisky here, Hugh.
Oh, not finished yet?
I am, yeah.
Don't worry I'll save some for you.
Ha, ha, ha, you jammy sod, you missed. I've still got the whisky!
I'm not having, no, no more!
This time.
'That's it, I've had it with doing all the work round here.
'Just because you've got the bottles in your hand, doesn't mean you get to keep them for your bar.
'Possession, I think you'll find, is nine tenths of the law.
'We'll see about that.
'I'm going to take you to a place where I'm guaranteed
'a drink - Easdale Island in the Inner Hebrides, one of the 790 islands off the Scottish coast.'
This is fantastic, isn't it?
It's absolutely wonderful, but why are we on this boat?
Well, because I thought we'd done all the producers, we've seen whisky
and beer and fruit wine, but we're forgetting what we've got to do at the end, we've got to have a pub.
Yes, why are we on this boat?
Because we're going to a pub.
A fantastic pub!
The Puffer Inn is the most popular pub on the island.
'How many pubs are there?
'One.' You first.
This is more like it, isn't it? So, this is my bar.
Hello. Hi, how do? Hello, hi. Do you want a drink?
He said to me, "I'm going to take you to a pub,"
and that was about 50 miles away and about half an hour ago.
Well, you're here now. On a completely different part of the world.
What do you want? Loch Fyne for me. And I'll have a skinny. You have...
I'll have a Skinny Blonde, yeah. A Skinny Blonde. There you go.
Cheers. Cheers! Slainte. Slainte. Is it Slainte mhath or Slainte mhor?
You say Slainte mhath, we say Slainte mhor. Slainte mhath.
Slainte mhor. Isn't it fantastic though, seeing lots and lots
of happy people, this is what pubs should be about, isn't it?
This is what pubs are. This is what pubs are for.
This is a good pub, by the way. Oh, it's a great pub. You're right.
Great pub. We keep wandering around looking at drinks, and we forget
that the whole point of the drinks is this place where the drinks are.
The drinks are only part of it. Yeah, the feeling.
There's smiles on people's faces, the noise, the chatter, you know.
Is this the whole population of the island here?
No, we've got some visitors here tonight, we've got about 66 full-time residents on the island.
66. When you say about 66, you're not sure you might have lost one?
There's at least about 35 in here.
Yeah, it's a busy night, yeah. Do you know what we've not done?
What? We've not divided up the Scottish stuff.
We haven't divided any of that up for the pub.
We don't have to, I've won all of it.
Well, you haven't got the Springbank and you haven't got the Innis and Gunn.
I certainly have got the Springbank. No, you can't possibly take the Springbank
because you behaved very, very badly at Springbank.
Well, I've got it.
Yeah, but you haven't got it morally, because morally I should
have it, because you left me doing that mash thing.
All right, then, well, then, you can't have some of your favourite beer, you can't have that.
I can't have Innis and Gunn? No. How many bottles of Springbank are there?
Two. Well, then one each, then.
We'll have one each but I keep Innis and Gunn, that's fair, because you behaved very, very badly.
Didn't you? You behaved very badly.
All right. I haven't got anything.
Is that a deal?
It's a deal. Excellent.
'You're unbelievable sometimes.'
So we've seen the model pub and got some great Scottish whisky and beer for our bars. Where next?
Northern Ireland is our next stop.
Ireland used to have a great brewing tradition and now at last there's a micro brewery boom...
'Well, it's more of a mini boom.
'What a mini micro boom, or a micro mini boom?
'What? Look, the fight back against the corporate giants has begun.
'Viva la revolution, which I would have said in Gaelic but I don't know any.
'Indeed. Have I mentioned that I'm two-thirds Irish?
'Er, yes.' And here we are!
Well, it's the shortest bit. Northern Ireland.
A matter of a few miles, in fact even less Irish miles than ordinary miles, cos Irish miles are longer.
Isn't it wonderful? Yep.
What are these things, anyway?
They're a volcanic extrusion of basalt that once stretched
in a plateau from Norway to the Faroe Islands.
Is that it? Thank God for that.
'OK, geography lesson over, time to get back on the road and where better
'to stock up on drinks and tips for a great pub
'than the island of Ireland?'
What I love about the whole of Ireland is the drinking culture is an all-embracing one.
It's a public one, it's an open one, there's nothing furtive about drinking over here at all.
But they don't actually have that many drinks producers, do they, Ireland?
Because there's one, isn't there, there's one dominant brewery, isn't there? I presume.
Yeah, there's one dominant brewery, which is a massive player
and really sort of savagely keeps the rest of the brewers at bay.
There's one even more dominant distiller. Why are we here, then?
Well, I'm going to find the sort of green shoots of independence.
At one point, um, the biggest sort of independent player
is not in whiskey or in beer at all.
So the cream whiskey stuff, what is it? Irish cream. Irish cream.
Irish whiskey cream.
Absolutely. We're going to see a really quite big independent Irish whiskey cream producer.
I got slightly obsessed by Irish cream whiskey as a student. Why?
Cos it's really... I don't know why. It was very easy to drink.
What kind of image were you trying to give to your friends?
I wasn't, I drank it secretly.
You were a secret Irish whiskey cream liqueur drinker.
Yeah. That's pathetic!
We're here. And in here. At last.
'This is St Brendan's Irish Cream in Derry.
'Aah, I'm getting a whiff of my misspent youth.
'The tricky thing about Irish liqueur is combining the whiskey with cream without curdling.
'I'm hoping that Michael Corey will let us in on the secret.'
We've got to put these on, have we?
And our obligatory hair nets.
Oh, no - really? They're as effective as a contraceptive.
That's good, cos I've been using a shower cap. For a contraceptive? Yeah.
Does it work? You put a shower cap on and no-one's ever going to sleep with you.
It's like there's a Woody Allen joke about how his wife has started using an oral contraceptive.
She says "No", and that's it. It's great.
I'm going to look good in this.
You don't look good.
No, no, but I'm getting a vision of you with a sort of blue quiff.
Look at that. You look...
You could easily get a part in Cranford dressed like that.
Just say this to me - "The railway is coming."
Is that how they...?
Cranford's all about the railway coming. I know. You'd love it. I'd love it.
I don't know why they didn't cast me as resident bore in Cranford.
Because they've cast you as resident bore in this. Now...
Anyway, we've finally found you.
Sorry we took so long. And I'm pleased cos you can give me a drink.
You'll get a drink when you've learnt something. Can you tell us about this product of yours? Right.
If you take milk,
it's a mixture mainly of water and butterfat.
They're incompatible, but they're held in suspension
by a wonderful emulsifier in milk called casein.
If you acidify milk or put a drop of alcohol in milk, it will immediately curdle.
So we increase the caseinate level almost tenfold
and that gives us the ability to stabilise water,
butterfat and alcohol. Would you like a sample?
Yeah, no, I'd love a sample.
Sorry, I wasn't sure I'd heard you correctly there.
These are restricted to 5ml.
That's fine, I'll have three of them.
Component parts, Hugh?
Milk, whisky, coffee...
a lot of joy.
You're only half right in the flavour. Other flavours.
Some coffee, but there's much more cocoa flavour.
Cocoa flavouring - cheers. I just got the cocoa flavour. Well done.
Oh, God.
Hey, it's great. Do you know what I'm getting a taste of now? Tell me.
1984. That's when I was a student.
1984. You were 106.
How many more weeks have you to go?
I'm thinking of just ending it all in about a week. I think there'll be a strangling before the...
Yeah... Maybe before the night is up.
We've got several more high bridges to drive over, I'll alert you to when they're coming up.
'Said Ena Sharples, sinisterly.
'Maybe you'll be less cantankerous with some food inside you.
'Luckily I've brought my favourite cookbook about cooking with booze.
'Are the recipes are any good?
'Maybe we can serve them up in our pub.'
Right, I've chosen three dishes for us which you're going to cook.
One's called wine soup, you can do that easy.
There's another one I've got to do - Highland fondue... Easy, simple.
Highland fondue?
Onion, butter, milk, mature cheddar cheese, cornflour and Scotch whisky.
Have we got all that stuff? Simple.
We've got all this stuff - I've got it all. What do we need?
Then we're going to do beer butt chicken. That's really good,
it's all about your favourite barbecue rub. Chicken and beer.
'For the soup, add some eggs, wine, water.
'That's it.
'Not forgetting a firm whisking action.'
There's something extremely unpleasant about that.
Soup isn't meant to have a head. Soup, with a head.
'And now the Highland fondue, which involves plenty of cheese.'
HE LAUGHS
Isn't it brilliant? All that cheese.
Yeah, but you're going to have to grate it again.
What you've done is you've grated it and made a lump of cheese.
Don't break it up... It's nice, it's rather attractive. Oh, this is great.
It's actually pouring with rain.
Look - a rainbow, there's a rainbow.
Yeah, it's lovely, it's in the middle of that very black cloud.
Doesn't matter. People don't realise about us, that we're rock hard, do you know that?
Bear Grylls, nothing.
We're almost as rock hard...
in fact, I think, as the people who presented Changing Rooms.
What - Laurence Llewelyn Bowen? Yeah, him. Is he rock hard? No.
Ah, right. But I reckon we're harder than him, I reckon I could have him in a fight.
I reckon I could have him and I reckon I could have the bloke off Watchdog.
And I could almost certainly take out the bloke from Homes Under The Hammer.
Do you watch all these shows?
You... Doesn't matter.
I've caught some on my knee.
Can you take the stuff as I hand it up?
Yeah.
How much gravel do you want?
Don't get the cheese out of the gravel... It's going to be cooked, it won't hurt you.
Gravel, that is cheddar embedded with gravel.
Don't be such a wuss.
You're the one who said you're a hard man. No gravel in that.
Has it rained again? You know what that is?
That's God's judgement on your cooking.
Hang on.
Hard or not...
Let's keep cooking.
THUNDER CRACKS
Let's not. No, come on. Right.
OK. Thanks for the brolly, that's great(!)
OK, then!
Close the door.
Oh, God, look at my bed!
Come on, it's only a bit of water!
You said you're a hard man.
Well, your bed looks fine, doesn't it, at the other end?
Well, we can share.
'You know, this is why they don't film Masterchef outside.
'Shame, I was looking forward to beer butt chicken.
'Good job this wine soup's hitting the mark.'
Goes quite well with the beer.
Which is surprising, really, cos this is a wine soup
and you wouldn't expect the wine soup to go so well with a beer, but it does.
Oh...gravel.
Oh...
I've got most of the road in here.
What was the chicken recipe?
Take a chicken, take a can of beer,
stick it up its bum...
..and cook it.
It's good, works.
Chicken likes it.
Hmm. Well, I look forward to meticulously preparing that some other time.
Judging by last night, I don't think our customers are going to be that keen on our pub grub,
but I've been thinking - how about we make our own Irish cream whiskey? I mean, it can't be THAT hard!
OK, if we're going to do it, we're going to go back to basics, starting with the cream.
Do you know, it's taken us 20 minutes or something to get here,
we could just have gone to a supermarket.
But why would we do that? To get the cream.
But why would we want to get supermarket cream to make our stuff with,
when we can get real cream from a real farm, a real cow?
Do you think they'll let me milk a cow?
Hugh, I think they'll be absolutely delighted if we can find one.
So far we've seen about 400 bullocks.
There's got to be some cows here.
I should be allowed to milk a cow because my restraining order has finished now.
Has it? Yeah.
Haven't you got that tag on you at the moment? Yeah. That bovine tag?
Bovine tag! When you get close to a cow, it starts rattling
and Scotland Yard says, "Yes, Whitehall 1212."
"Oh, he's at it again, is he?"
Is this it? This is... Yes, cows, yes, this is our farm.
Cows, anyway.
Tremendous smell of slurry. Dunno where the farmer is, exactly.
Oh, God!
Absolutely... Did you tread in that? Yeah, I did.
It's a fantastic colour, isn't it?
It's like nothing has gone in that cow's stomach except grass.
Go on, you're so smart, smell it. Smell it.
What, to see if it smells of grass? See if it smells of grass, yeah.
Oh, cowpat, no, no, no, no...
I said smell the shoe, I did not say... How much? Come on.
Nothing, smell my shoe.
All the whisky in Scotland.
Yes, all right! 'Glad we've got that sorted.
'At least we're in the right place.
'Ian Smyth's cows do supply cream for the Irish cream liqueur industry.'
Hello. Hello. Hi. How are you doing?
Hello. Oh, no, I can't.
Was that you or mine? I don't know.
My hand, my hand is clean.
How did it happen? I don't know.
I'll shake. There you go.
Left hand? Ah, OK. Excellent. Pleased to meet you. Yeah.
You'll have to get that washed. You've got cream, haven't you? That's right, I do dairy.
And we need cream. All right, well, I'll try to see if I can get you some.
Fresh as can be. Straight from the cow.
Oh, wow.
This is some of our cows here, I have for you to milk, you know, I thought maybe I'd let yous...
To milk? I walked in here and I had a sinking feeling.
Have you ever milked a cow?
What they say is you must treat a cow as you would a woman.
There'll be millions of women out there thinking, "I'm glad I've never had a date with Oz Clarke"!
There are millions of women who've never had a date with me.
That, and then... You squeeze.
Sing whatever fits the rhythm.
Do you want to have a go? It's actually really good fun.
Shall I try?
Oh, absolutely solid!
Now, what...? Oh, there we go, wow!
There's always some!
I think I'm squeezing and pulling at the right...
Oh, here we go, the cow's all... The cow doesn't particularly appreciate my manual dexterity.
Sorry about this, Buttercup, but it won't last forever.
I've got this one going like a power shower.
Those milkmaids must have had bloody strong wrists.
I imagine they were enormously popular in the village.
Look at that, Oz. There.
That's enough for Irish cream now, isn't it?
You haven't got as much as I've got in mine. Look at that. Where?
You can see it, also you can see the globules of cream on the top of mine.
Getting ready to be made into Oz & Hugh's Irish Delight.
So that's the cream sorted, now what about the whiskey?
Well, slightly easier said than done.
Believe it or not, there isn't a single independent whiskey distiller in Northern Ireland.
So we're going to have to cross the border to the Republic of Ireland to get some for our Irish cream liqueur.
'I'm finding you strangely attractive in that.
'Just keep your eyes on the road.'
I mean, 100 years ago, Irish whiskey was the most famous whiskey in the world.
And do you need Irish whiskey to make Irish cream?
Yes. It's Irish cream, and Irish people are extremely proud of Irish things, so yeah.
I don't really know the difference between an Irish whiskey and a Scotch whisky.
Yes, you would. No, I don't.
You don't know the difference?
All right, differences are - Irish whiskey is distilled three times,
Scotch is normally distilled only twice. That means it's a much finer, clearer spirit.
I bet you most Irish people wouldn't know that. They would.
I bet you they wouldn't.
And I bet you even if they do, I bet you they don't care.
A, they care, because it's Irish, and B, they do know the difference.
Every Irishman in the street will know the difference.
I honestly bet you they don't. Well, ask them.
Want to stop, want to stop?
Go out into the streets of Ireland and say,
"Excuse me, sir, will you tell me whether you know the difference between this and that?"
Well, easy enough to do. I don't mind. OK.
I don't mind. I bet you they don't.
I bet you they do.
Excuse me, do you know the difference between Irish and Scotch whisky?
No, I don't drink. Sorry. Brilliant(!)
Do you know the difference between Irish and Scotch whisky? Is there a difference, like?
Yeah, apparently. This man can tell you exactly what it is. He's been telling me all morning.
I'm trying to work now, I didn't...
Irish whiskey's distilled three times, not twice,
and it's made with ordinary raw barley, not malted barley.
Oh, I must try and sample that again and see what is the difference.
What's weird about that was he said he was in a hurry.
Yes. But also, what was wonderful about it was that I didn't understand a word he said, absolutely wonderful.
What I did understand was that he didn't know the difference between Irish and Scotch whisky.
No, no. Basically I'm winning.
Well, you are winning, but only on miscomprehension.
Let's find someone else.
Do you know the difference between Irish and Scotch whisky?
No, sorry I don't. Would you care?
No, not really. No.
Perfect. 2-0.
Could we ask you a question?
Would that be all right?
Have I got a big glowing red face? No, no, no, you're fine.
Do you know the difference between Scotch and Irish whisky?
It's a nicer flavour, goes down better, less of a hangover.
SHE LAUGHS
And that makes it 3-0.
Where are you going?
I've met a man who says he's got some original Irish whiskey -
not for sale, but he might let us have a taste.
What's that? That's original Irish whiskey, is it?
Yeah, you want to try, just a small drop.
Look at the colour of it!
That doesn't seem to have an awful lot of...
There was a bit of sediment, so I might have shook it a little bit.
There's not an awful lot of oak barrel ageing in there. No. Oh!
It's a... It's remarkably good.
But it's powerful. Ah!
That is really good, isn't it?
It's really sweet at the finish.
When you've swallowed it down, your mouth fills with fruit.
Fruit. This is the flavour of the stuff,
this is why, let's say, slightly extra-curricular distilling
went on so much longer in Ireland than it went on in Scotland, because it's better in Ireland.
That's delicious. That is absolutely delicious.
Good, though.
Your breath. Is it?
Your breath, standing near you. Tell you what, I've got a...
If I was smoking, my hair would have caught fire.
To a flame thrower, yeah. That's fantastic, thank you very much.
I wouldn't touch it. Wouldn't you?
OK. Nice to see you. Thank you. Cheers. Thank you very much.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
HE EXHALES
Do you know what? Cor.
Ooh!
That was extraordinary. So, do you think that actually was it?
That was poteen. Was it?
That was poteen. 21st century, middle of a perfectly normal Irish town.
We wander into a shop...
That's just bizarre. It's woken you up!
It certainly has. Gordon Bennett! Must remember the name of the shop!
'Why don't we get some poteen for our pub?
'Well, apart from the fact that it burns your eyes out from the inside, that's a very good idea.
'OK. Let's go and buy what we came here for -
'some real independent Irish whiskey from the distillery across town.
'It's one of the oldest in Ireland.'
Well, two distillations, or three distillations, doesn't matter, it's really nice and it's mine.
'We've got all the ingredients,
'so why don't we just get on with making our own brand of Irish cream?
'And I know just the place to make it, one of the 16,000 pubs that claim to be the oldest pub in Ireland.
'It's just down the way in Athlone - watch and learn.'
Right.
'All it takes is three generous glugs of whiskey, a splash of creme de cacao,
'a soupcon of coffee liqueur and a smattering of ice.'
Just a little bit in there, please. That's enough - lovely.
'Then smother with delicious fresh cream.
'Shake into a frenzy of frothy loveliness.
'You sound like a hybrid of Nigella and Stuart Hall, and as for your face...'
You look like someone who was extraordinarily constipated.
It hasn't curdled, that's what I'm thrilled about, it hasn't curdled!
Right, blind testing. If yours is better
than the commercially available Irish cream,
I will let you have the Irish cream in the pub.
But if mine's better, why would I want the commercially available one?
If yours is better, I'll have the commercially available one,
and if yours is worse, I'll have the commercially available one.
That's a deal.
OK, that sounds fair enough.
In fact, that's just about the best deal you've made all week!
Blind test. Right, who's up for this?
You are, right.
It's good.
There's that one or there's this one.
I'm going for that one.
'That'll be the 1-0 to the commercially available alternative, if I'm not mistaken.'
Right, there's that one.
Nice.
Lovely.
"Nice" and "lovely". I go for this.
You go for that one? Yeah.
Jolly good, that's 1-1. One for each.
Right, you come forward.
Give you a go. What is it?
Well, we don't know yet, you tell us - which one do you like best?
Down in one?
Well, I'm not going to stop you, you do whatever you want to do.
That's nice, yeah.
What about that one?
Still nice.
Which is nicer? It's hard to know. Nicer. Get this man some more.
There you go.
CHEERING
Welcome to Athlone!
OK, that's 2-1 to your homemade Irish cream whiskey but I'm not sure
that last voter was particularly discerning. He certainly was.
I don't mind losing. And anyway, I've stolen his treasure map.
'The next morning, and it's my first Irish cream hangover since well before the fall of the Berlin Wall.
'Lucky one of us stayed sober last night.
'Anyway, I've got just the thing to perk you up.
'We're going to visit an independent pale-ale brewery.
'Now, let me tell you the difference between a dark ale and a pale ale.
'No, please don't, not today.'
It was London which sort of created the general idea of dark beers. I know!
Because they've got different water and it's not very good for growing pale ale. Even Hodgsons...
You don't grow pale ale. ..original pale ale...
How do you grow pale ale?
Make, make. But even Hodgsons original pale ale, even that was probably a bit amberish,
but the point is about when Burton-upon-Trent got involved with actually...
Where are we going? Here?
Probably.
When Burton-upon-Trent got involved, because they had so much gypsum in their soil,
because they've got so many salts, and it needed something which was refreshing...
Have you ever thought of becoming an anaesthetist?
I fear I've gone the wrong way round a roundabout.
Well, just go quickly... Is this the wrong way round the roundabout? Yes.
It is, isn't it, is anyone looking?
# I have stockings of silk
# Boots of fine green leather
# Combs to buckle my hair... #
Left. Left. Yes. Oops.
Ah, yes, this is it.
Brewery, beer.
I really can't do this today.
Don't be such a wimp.
Whoops!
Bloody hell - the hand brake!
You're still in drive!
All right! All right!
Oh, God, smell the malt!
What a smell.
Come on, let's get tasting.
'Right, here's my chance, there must be somewhere quiet beyond that fence.'
'Where the hell is he?
'Oh, you missed meeting Ronan Brennan and Aidan Murphy!
'They've set up their own micro-brewery, they're going to take on the big brands!'
Hi, Oz. Welcome to Galway Hooker brewery. It's a palace!
Thank you, thank you. A Mecca.
There's supposed to be two of us, but I don't know where the other one is. Oh, I've just seen this, excuse me.
You're interrupting our quality-control process!
It's a tough job.
Oh, those hops, that's such a rare thing in Irish beer.
It's got that beautiful bitterness of really good home-made marmalade, orange, and peel and it's chewy.
That's what Ireland needs, more hoppy beers, and you're here to do it.
And you're just in time to add the hops. Oh, you're hopping today?
Yeah, yeah, it's starting to boil, so we need to add the hops. Excellent. Let's go, let's do it.
Do you know, the silence is just magnificent.
I have felt a couple of times today like a crash-test dummy in that car.
I feel like I'm testing the seat belt, I'm a sort of prototype.
Badoom.
So this is it, this is the brew house.
Mash tun, hot liquor tank.
All nice and small.
Yeah, oh, very small.
Yeah, we brewed 650. Small little batches.
It's so important what you're doing.
A great drinking nation like Ireland with so little independence of thought...
You're here to bring it back.
We're changing things, one pub at a time! Yeah.
So where are these hops of yours? The hops are here, so if you just want to come up here.
'He'll be on about hops at the moment.'
He's a bit pervy about hops.
He will. He'll have been doing this...
Oh! Yeah, it's great, isn't it?
This to me is one of the most exotic, thrilling, sexual kind of smells in the world.
It's hard to beat it.
What I often do is, I rub some on my hand and I don't wash my hands
for about two days, and it is, it's an erotic...
Yeah. ..kind of smell.
I think his whole life is sensory.
He likes the...
Basically, he likes sniffing, rubbing and licking.
Cheers, fellas. Welcome.
Absent friends. Yes. Well, one absent friend. Do you actually watch Hugh Dennis?
Who is he, again?
Oh, I love you, I love you!
The tall or the small one?
He's the one... Well, he's the ugly one.
'I get the pale ale, as I'm the only one who bothered to turn up.
'You'd have enjoyed it - I could've enjoyed it more if I wasn't driving.
'Yeah, well, you need the practice. I only had a sip.'
Today I had a lot of fun on my own, made a nice change.
Oz, it's not about...
You know, it's not you, it's me.
You know what I really do want before we leave Ireland? What's that? A pint of stout.
Ah, I'm hoping that I'm going to satisfy your every need.
I'm hoping that you'll not.
We're heading to the West Coast, they've got an oyster festival there
and they will be serving oceans of stout.
I think oysters and stout is really one of those fantastic combinations.
They only do one stout, don't they, here?
Oh, I hope not. You've put a dreadful spectre in my mind.
It sounds like a song, and quite a good one.
"You've Put A Dreadful Spectre In My Mind", sounds like a Motown hit.
'Sadly, though, the spectre is all too real.
'The stout and oyster festival turns out to be a sort of corporately-sponsored Irish Henley
'without an oyster or a pint of independent stout in sight.'
This is not what I expected.
I expected it to be down by the sea, to be lovely tables set out and lots of lovely oysters...
Where's all the independent stout you promised me? There's none here.
You must be able to get independent stout.
Yeah. I know a man.
Trust me.
'Oh, no, I don't like it when Oz has a plan.'
'Do you realise how ridiculous we...? Sssh!
MUSIC: "The Pink Panther Theme"
'Is this it?
'Yep! Great. Can we take our sunglasses off now?'
Well, this is more like it.
Bottle of Porterhouse independently brewed stout,
lake, sunset, western Ireland...
And no oysters. No oysters, I know.
But the stout is wonderful stuff.
This is the kind of stout that Ireland used to drink.
Yet it's so difficult for these independent companies to get their stuff accepted anywhere.
It's a real, real battle, and they'll do it, like these guys, by tasting better.
'But there are only eight independent stout makers in the whole of Ireland
'so you've got to go to a bit of trouble to find it.
'But if you do, you'll be helping to ensure the future for Ireland's new wave of small brewers.
'In which case, I'll take this for my pub.
'I don't think so, with all the strings I pulled to get it here!
'Anyway, that's Ireland done and dusted.
'Looks like we're pretty even on the drinks tally for our bars,
'even though you shamelessly plundered the Scottish whisky.
'Well, morally, I don't think there was any other course of action.
'And after a lifetime of alcoholic over-indulgence
'it is much better for you to get the non-alcoholic elderflower sparkling.
'Four words - secret cream liqueur drinker.
'Yeah? So? What's embarrassing about that? That pirate drank a bucket of it.'
Anyway, we'd better be going, we've got a ferry to catch.
So we have. Are you driving?
Ha-ha! Well, if you want to catch the ferry, probably not!
I think you are. There you go. Come on.
Absolute cheek! I mean, if you don't like my driving, then YOU can drive!
I've had too much to drink. Come on.
'Next time, we're in northern England for a home-made flavoured beer showdown.
'And the results aren't good.'
"Bloody awful, tosh. Also repels mosquitoes."
'And the gritty reality of being on the road hits home.'
It's not really like anything I've ever smelt before in my life.
'We go undercover to see how many local brews are served in the local pubs.
'Oz's idea of research, of course.
'And we prove we're prepared to take extreme measures to find the best of British.'
Does it worry you that you look
as if you're about to deal with a nuclear disaster?
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.
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