1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,400
'Hugh Dennis and I are on
a mission to set up two bars

2
00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:09,880
'packed full of the best independent
drinks that Britain has to offer.

3
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:14,200
'Oh, at last, a drinker is born.'

4
00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:17,040
Yes, it seems that
the British pub is under threat.

5
00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:20,520
So Oz Clarke and I plan
to breathe life back into this
much-loved institution.

6
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:29,360
'We don't agree what makes a perfect
pub so we'll open our own bars and
go head to head for one night only.

7
00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:33,280
'But before that, we'll battle
over the unsung heroes of British
drinks to stock our cellars.

8
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:35,560
'And all in the name of research...'

9
00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:38,960
That is the liquid equivalent
of barbed wire.

10
00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:43,440
'..although you could be forgiven
for thinking the whole thing
was just a chance for a road trip

11
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:48,200
'in a camper van, where
we didn't pay much priority
to either hygiene or decorum.'

12
00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:54,000
'So far, we've popped our corks
in the south of England,

13
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,680
'destroyed more synapses than
we can spare in the South West...'

14
00:00:56,680 --> 00:01:00,920
That is powerful stuff.

15
00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:05,840
'..and left those who tried
our hangover cures thinking
they'd rather have the hangover.'

16
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:12,280
Now we're heading to Scotland and
Ireland to continue our search for
the hidden gems of British drink.

17
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,240
Cheers. 'The fresher the better.'

18
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:21,440
I've got this one going like
a power shower. 'Where you find the
most unconventional of pub games.'

19
00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:23,600
Too strong. Too strong.

20
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,520
'There'll be no holds barred.'

21
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,720
All the whisky in Scotland.

22
00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:33,080
'May the best man win!'

23
00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:35,200
This time.

24
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,640
I've really been looking
forward to this bit of the journey,

25
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:53,520
because I love Scotland and I love
the whole romance of the place.

26
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:56,200
I love the hills
and the heather and the mist.

27
00:01:56,200 --> 00:02:02,360
The sense you're away from
it all, the glens, the lochs,
glistening in the sunshine.

28
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:07,520
And this is, you know, beer-making,
fine, this, Scottish whisky, is like

29
00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:12,720
the romantic centre of British
alcohol. Would you ever wear a kilt?

30
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:16,880
I've worn women's clothing,
obviously, everyone's
done that, but...

31
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:19,360
A kilt technically
isn't women's clothing, is it?

32
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:22,160
Not if you're Scottish. Of course,
to the rest of the world, yes, it is.

33
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:28,440
Basically, up here, rather than
a kilt, what you really want to
wear is a huge two-legged duvet.

34
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:30,840
So that's our entry
for Dragon's Den sorted out.

35
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:32,920
We'd better get back
to the job in hand, though.

36
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,000
We still need more
drinks for our bar.

37
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:39,200
'Calm down, dear. First, I'm going to
give you an initiation into whisky.

38
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:42,480
'Glasgow's got 600 pubs
and counting, but I've found one

39
00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:46,720
'which stocks an amazing
500 different types of malt whisky.

40
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:51,000
'Which is great, but it's
only ten in the morning
and I don't really drink.

41
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:55,200
'Owner Ken Storrie's the ultimate
whisky buff, so listen and learn.'

42
00:02:55,200 --> 00:03:00,800
'OK. Lead on, Macduffer.'
Hey, Ken, hi. How are you? This is...

43
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,000
Hi, I'm Hugh. Oh, that's it, yeah.

44
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:08,040
Nice to see you, Hugh. I've come
here cos you've got the best
whisky collection I know anywhere.

45
00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:13,880
I just want you to give us some
of it and explain the fantastic
differences in whiskies.

46
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:16,960
Whiskies are just as different
as glasses of wine.

47
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,920
There you go. What do I do with it?

48
00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:22,680
Have a small taste,
just hold it there on your palate.

49
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:26,760
This whisky has spent ten years
in an ex-American bourbon barrel.

50
00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:29,440
That's where you get
all the flavours from.

51
00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:33,640
Good bit of that.
Hm, smells like a verdello.

52
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:36,160
Do you know what a verdello is?
No, and I don't want to know.

53
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:39,720
See, no-one knows, Oz, no-one knows.
You could say anything.

54
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:45,440
Now, this is a good point. This
is a single malt whisky, isn't it?

55
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,880
Yeah, single malt. You tell me
what you think a single malt is.

56
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:52,280
It's just one type of barley,
presumably, isn't it?

57
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:57,200
It's actually whisky made in a
single distillery. I tell you what,
have you got some blends? Yeah.

58
00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,320
Could we put some blends...?
Blends and malts?

59
00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:00,880
A blend and malt up, to see.

60
00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:06,400
Because basically, the malt whisky
should have a pure statement of where
it comes from, what it is, whereas

61
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:12,840
a blend is more likely to be a sort
of generalised view of what whisky
might be supposed to taste like.

62
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:17,520
Oh, look at those. Five single malts
and one of them is a blended whisky.

63
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:20,760
Do you two know about whisky?
Drink it a little bit.

64
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:23,840
Well, come on then, you come
and laugh at my friend Hugh.

65
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:27,080
There's six whiskies.
And what's your name?

66
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:31,560
Frank. So you're going to pick out a
blended whisky from six here? I am.

67
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:33,560
Just by nosing? Just by nosing.

68
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:37,440
My whole career's been based on
nosing. No chance. No chance.

69
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:43,320
I tell you what, there you go, no
chance at all. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!

70
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:47,160
A nice Scottish Ł20 note.
You're not serious. 40.

71
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,000
There you are, I'll make it 60.

72
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:52,640
Ł60! Is that just by your nose,
you're going to pick out that blend?

73
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,680
Hey, I tell you what,
look, that's not fair.

74
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,120
If you're shoving that money in,
you two have got to do it as well.

75
00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,040
Aye, cool, no worries. I'm into it.

76
00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,520
Cos you'll take till sunset, anyway.

77
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:04,640
They've all got mixed up anyway now.

78
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:08,320
Have you any ideas? I've got no
idea. I would say number one. Why?

79
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:12,160
Why. That is the question
I was hoping you wouldn't ask.

80
00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:16,640
Cos it doesn't taste of
any one particular thing.
It's a sort of...blend.

81
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:23,480
That's actually quite a reasonable
account of yourself, but I agree
with you, I think it's number one.

82
00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:25,120
I'm going for number one as well.

83
00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:27,560
Maybe he does know
what he's talking about.

84
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,040
Right, unfortunately yous
are all right, number one.

85
00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,480
So who gets the money?

86
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:37,160
I get the money.
The money pays for the whisky.

87
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:40,040
Thank you. Good God, I was...
Congratulations.

88
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:44,680
Yeah, and at this point, I'll
tell you, that was just a guess.

89
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:47,520
'There was I thinking
you'd actually learnt something.

90
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:49,520
'So that's it then, is it?

91
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:50,760
'Bit of a nose and then we're off?

92
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,040
'Aren't we even going
to choose a whisky for our bar?

93
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,440
'Not yet. Your whisky
enlightenment isn't complete.

94
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,040
'Anyway, you're driving.

95
00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:00,320
'I've already had a dram.'

96
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:03,720
Right, well, if I'm driving,
that also puts me in charge
of the in-car entertainment.

97
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:08,920
# Old man river

98
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:14,640
# That old man river... #

99
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,880
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
# ..He just keep rolling

100
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:22,040
# He all keep rolling

101
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:25,520
# That old man river

102
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:32,120
# He just keep rolling along. #

103
00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:39,200
That sounds very good. I mean, if
Hinge and Brackett ever need a spare.

104
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,720
You could have Hinge and Spanner.

105
00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:45,480
You could be Hinge and Big End.

106
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:48,440
Thanks. 'Well, if ever
you needed proof

107
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:52,320
'that karaoke is a bad idea
for a pub, that was it.

108
00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:56,120
'We're off to Perthshire to look for
more possible drinks for our pub.

109
00:06:56,120 --> 00:07:01,040
'Cairn O' Mohr make fruit wines
from the fruit, leaves
and flowers that grow nearby.

110
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,280
'Fruit wine? Flowers? Leaves?

111
00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:07,320
'Hang on, my image of the
hard-drinking Scots is under assault
here. Is that alcohol, even?

112
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:08,960
'Well, some of it is.

113
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,600
'Judy and Ron Gillies have also
come up with an ingenious use

114
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:15,120
'for their surplus bottles -
a brilliant new pub game. Really?

115
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,080
'This one's definitely original.

116
00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:21,920
'The aim is to smash a bottle
on the target to score a point.

117
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:25,440
'Right, so a cross between
darts and a student riot.

118
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,440
'OK, then. Winner takes
all the fruit wine for the pub.'

119
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:33,960
It's not like bowling,
because a bottle's different.

120
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,440
It's got a different dynamic
as it flies through the air.

121
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:40,600
And not many people know it,
because not many people do it.

122
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:43,560
Not many people get
to throw bottles,

123
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:46,080
so it's not as easy as it looks.

124
00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:49,400
But you never know,
you might do well.

125
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:51,520
I might be a natural.
Right, Oz, your go.

126
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,440
What have you put in this, Ron?

127
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,080
Good luck, Oz. Godspeed.
May your shot be true.

128
00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,520
Got to be overhand now.

129
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:03,200
Not that way? Got to be overhand.

130
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,640
Overhand? Overarm, overarm.
Does it have to be overhand?

131
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:10,040
Can I just say, please don't talk
to him too much,

132
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:15,480
cos we could be here till dark.
Go on, go on, Oz.

133
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:20,240
Too strong, too strong.

134
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,040
That's me.

135
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:41,360
'Oh, close! But it doesn't count
if it doesn't smash.

136
00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,400
'Yeah, OK, then.

137
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,560
'Well, let's see
if you can do any better.'

138
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,280
CHEERING

139
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:56,080
That was fantastic.

140
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,000
It was dead centre.

141
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,680
Dead centre. Dead centre.
We have a clear winner here.

142
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:02,760
And it's... Was that bottle
tampered with?

143
00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:06,160
..Oz Clarke. Wa-hey!

144
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:13,320
We should give Oz
a bottle of wine for his pub.

145
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,680
Of course. Six bottles!
Which one would you like?

146
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:18,960
Is there elderflower, have you
got any of that? Elderflower wine?

147
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:21,160
Elderflower sparkling, or...
Non-alcohol sparkling?

148
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:24,120
Which have you got? Non-...?

149
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:28,280
Non-alcoholic sparkling.

150
00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:32,320
That's not a bad idea.

151
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:34,600
Why are you looking at me?
It's in your pub.

152
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:40,040
No, because it'll give you something
to drink when you come to my side of
the pub. Yeah, that'd be great, yeah.

153
00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:43,120
I tell what, I'd like just a bottle
of the raspberry, to show everybody

154
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:49,520
what a good Scottish raspberry tastes
like, freshly drawn off the bush.

155
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:54,720
Brilliant. 'Well, it certainly makes
traditional darts look a bit last
year, although it would need a pub

156
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:58,040
'with a massive garden,
and it might be a bit dangerous
near the children's play area.

157
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,800
'Anyway, you're welcome to the fruit
wine. It's the whisky I'm after.

158
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:04,520
'When are we going to get some?
'Not yet. You have to be patient.

159
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,840
'You've got a one-track mind
at the moment.'

160
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,920
You see, why is your mind
so little and your head is so big?

161
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,160
I don't know, I think
it's got a lot of air round it.

162
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:17,480
I think you'd find that an awful
lot of the inside of it is jelly.

163
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:22,120
If Heston Blumenthal opened
your head up, he'd probably be quite
excited by the possibilities.

164
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,920
He is very scientific
in his approach to food, isn't he?

165
00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:28,240
He comes up with these wonderful
weird recipes but all he's doing,

166
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:33,760
he is cooking the recipes of a man
who's come back drunk from the pub.

167
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:37,720
You know, "I'll have pork pie
with marmalade and mayonnaise."

168
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,280
We've all done that.
I've done that, I do that.

169
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,480
There's nothing new in that.
I do that every week.

170
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:45,760
'Well, the next possible drink
for our pub

171
00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:48,160
'is from a brewer who makes just
about the most Scottish beer

172
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,000
'you could possibly think of.

173
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:54,640
'We're heading to Loch Fyne
in South West Argyll, which is
the longest sea loch in Scotland.

174
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,000
'Yeah, which is
interesting but irrelevant.

175
00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:01,320
'Hang on, we're here to continue
your whisky education. At last.

176
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:05,760
'By trying a unique Scottish beer
matured in old whisky barrels.

177
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:07,840
'So still not actually whisky then?

178
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:10,680
'No!'

179
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:12,720
This is the weirdest brewery
I've ever seen.

180
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,680
I didn't say we were
going to the brewery.

181
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:16,560
I said we're going to taste the beer.

182
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,400
You said we were
going to Innis and Gunn.

183
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,960
They believe that beer
tastes best with food.

184
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:27,120
Well, where's the food? Here.

185
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,720
In the loch.

186
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,800
In the loch? What, we're fishing?
Yeah.

187
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:34,960
If you don't catch
any fish, you don't eat.

188
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:41,200
'Let's hope brewer Dougal Sharp
knows what he's doing
or we could go very hungry.'

189
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,800
It's quite difficult fishing
with a bottle, isn't it?

190
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:46,440
It is, yeah. I think I might just
try putting this in my pocket.

191
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:49,600
What goes best with your beer, then?
Just fish, is it?

192
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:54,240
It goes well with all
sorts of stuff. Definitely the
seafood that you get in this loch,

193
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:58,360
like lobster, langoustine,
would go beautiful with that.

194
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:01,040
This is a ripe fruit,
Hugh, do you get that?

195
00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:05,920
Almost slightly halfway to sort
of apples, sort of peaches.
No, no. You don't get it? OK.

196
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:12,160
I'm getting sort of oak-ey,
vanilla-ey, toffee-ey things
that I've read off the label.

197
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:17,680
I was just going to say
it sounds as though you've been
reading the label again!

198
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,080
Excuse me for a second. I'm just...

199
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:25,440
Oz. What? Just take
the Tonke, go to a fish shop.

200
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:31,520
I'm attempting to play my part
in this by fishing for fish.

201
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:34,560
Fishing for fish. It's all the same.

202
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:39,440
We looked at the map earlier
and there's a loch which
I love called Loch Lochy.

203
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:43,080
I think that's the most fantastic
name, don't you? Very efficient.

204
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:46,400
Loch Lochy. "What do you call this?"
"We call this the Rivery River."

205
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:49,640
I'm really enjoying this,
my first drink in two weeks.

206
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:53,640
Our baby daughter Ruby
was born two weeks ago today.

207
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,880
Congratulations, congratulations.
Are you exhausted?

208
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:58,280
Bit of a prickly sleeper.

209
00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:00,800
Can you not give her some beer?
That would send her off.

210
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:04,600
I'd love to but I think
Child Protection would have
something to say about it!

211
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:11,000
My pants have just gone slightly
wet cos I stepped backwards.
It's gone over the top of my waders.

212
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:14,360
Well, I have heard there's
a really nice wee restaurant
just along the road here.

213
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,120
Let's go to it.
This is a complete mystery to me.

214
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:20,880
Well, I'm looking forward to this.

215
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,880
This looks fantastic. A proper meal.

216
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:29,800
Now, which of these did you catch,
Hugh? Forgive me, I've forgotten.

217
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:33,760
Cheers. Here's to fishing.
Long may it prosper.

218
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:36,120
For everybody else except us.

219
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,760
I think the fish are safe around us.
So, what's this one I've got here?

220
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:44,200
This one, it's the Highland,
so we've matured that in 21-year-old
Speyside whisky barrels.

221
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:47,600
Very sort of vinegary, isn't it?

222
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:49,280
Do you find you can really
taste the whisky in it?

223
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:53,160
I can. What I mistook
for vinegar is in fact whisky.
That's a mistake I've made before.

224
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:56,680
Your vinaigrettes are famous
throughout the Home Counties.

225
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:59,040
Don't drive after you've
been to his for dinner!

226
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:00,880
Don't drive after a salad at Hugh's!

227
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:02,160
Exactly, yeah.

228
00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:06,440
"I haven't drunk anything, I've
just had some balsamic vinegar."

229
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:11,400
The scallop would, I think, work
really well with the Highland cask
because the way the scallop's

230
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:14,920
been cooked, it's been seared on the
outside and you get that lovely sort

231
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:20,240
of sweet caramelisation and that
will work really well, the intensity
of flavour with the Highland cask.

232
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:25,760
You sound remarkably like him,
the way you describe it.

233
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:27,720
Been watching him on the telly.

234
00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:32,000
You know, if it wasn't for the wig,
you couldn't tell us apart.

235
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:38,280
'Have you ever worn a wig?
'I've played General Peron in Evita,
one of my greatest performances.

236
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,280
'Yeah, well, I've invented
a new salad dressing.

237
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,120
'That makes me the new Paul Newman.

238
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:44,280
'Did I ever tell you about
my time in the theatre?

239
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:48,600
'Yes, yesterday and the day
before, but not now, please,
I've got to sort this bed out.

240
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:51,920
'This came with the van, right?'

241
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,880
A sheet, a fitted sheet
to fit this bed.

242
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:58,280
Watch this.

243
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,840
There's a piece missing.

244
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:06,560
I do not believe even the Dutch
could have actually invented
a bed with an entire chunk missing.

245
00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:11,760
The other danger with this bed
is if you sit here, on this bit,

246
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:18,080
and you might in the night,
there's nothing underneath,

247
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:19,840
nothing at all.

248
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:27,400
You know, you can't have a bloody
shower in here without standing in
the bog. It's absolutely pathetic.

249
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:31,080
Don't get anything wet.

250
00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:34,920
What are you doing?

251
00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:50,000
Got one loo roll now.

252
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:57,920
Well, you try and have a shower
in here standing in the bog
without getting the loo roll wet.

253
00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:02,760
Also, if you're so keen on it,
why don't you remind me to remove
the loo roll before I start?

254
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:05,000
That would be helpful.

255
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:10,200
I'm staying in here.

256
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,000
Actually, that's quite a good idea.

257
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:23,240
I think the time has finally come
to visit a whisky distillery.

258
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:26,120
What, and see actual whisky?

259
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,960
We're going to head around
the coast to Campbeltown.

260
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,480
It's a bit of a drive
but it'll be worth it.

261
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:33,240
Why are we going to Campbeltown?

262
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:36,080
Because I think Campbeltown
is the forgotten whisky distillery.

263
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:39,720
Well, not surprising, is it?
It's 3,000 miles away.

264
00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:41,840
Will you be quiet and let me say
what I'm trying to say?

265
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:45,440
It's forgotten but it's possibly
the greatest of all.

266
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,920
And that's why we're going.
Springbank.

267
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:52,520
And he's doing well? I tell you what
he could do even better is change

268
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:56,200
his name to Springwatch and put a
picture of Kate Humble on the label.

269
00:16:56,200 --> 00:17:00,440
'Seriously, though, this is one
of the oldest independently
owned distilleries in Scotland.

270
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:06,360
'Frank McHardy has been working
here so long, he's already had
a single malt named after him.

271
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:08,240
'Yeah, but he's not
a patch on Kate Humble, is he?'

272
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:11,160
Hello. You're late. Sorry, yeah.
What time of day is this?

273
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:14,480
Well, we didn't realise it was 3,000
miles from the next nearest town.

274
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:17,960
We need to get going. If you follow
me, we'll give you a look round.

275
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:23,200
'This is the only distillery in
Scotland that carries out a 100% of
the whisky process under one roof.

276
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,200
'Starting with the malting
of the barley, which seems

277
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:28,880
'to entail Hector here walking
up and down with a rake all day.

278
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:30,720
'Must be a bit of a drag.

279
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:36,280
'So for the process we looked in
a barrel with some frothy stuff.

280
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:41,680
'Actually, Hugh, that's called
the wort, where hot water is
added to the mashed barley.

281
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:44,440
'Then another barrel
with more frothy stuff.

282
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:48,600
'That's the fermentation area
where yeast is added to
the wort to make the wash.

283
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:55,480
'The pot stills where
the spirit is distilled.

284
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:58,560
'OK, then finally down
to the serious stuff, the alcohol.'

285
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:05,360
We have three stills here,
so we do a form of 2˝ distillation
when we're making Springbank.

286
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:07,480
And that is finally the whisky?

287
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:10,520
That is not whisky.
You have to store it

288
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:13,800
for a minimum period of three years
in an oak cask in a warehouse

289
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,640
in Scotland
before you can call it Scotch.

290
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:19,080
Do you want to taste
some spirit? Yeah. Well, yes.

291
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:22,880
Isn't that an incredible colour
there? That's copper what, sulphate?

292
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:28,200
Copper sulphate. There's quite
a lot of sulphur in the process and
the copper helps to neutralise it.

293
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:33,840
This is actually between 65%
and 70% alcohol...

294
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:36,120
Be careful with it.

295
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:40,880
There's very, very little peat
influence in this at all.

296
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:44,240
Oh. That is quite powerful,
isn't it?

297
00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:50,000
You're enjoying that. It's
remarkably smooth, then, for 70%.

298
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,240
It doesn't actually taste
of very much, does it?

299
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:58,880
I think it's got a... It smells
a bit like a sort of a fruit eau de
vie from somewhere like France.

300
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:03,520
It's quite meaty on the palate, and
slightly smoky. In the old days...

301
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:06,600
I mean I started working in 1963
in distilleries, and at that time

302
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:10,880
you got what they called
an official dram - 8am, 12pm, 5pm.

303
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,280
And it was always
that that you got...

304
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:17,560
And people drank it all the time.
How much, how big is the dram?
Bigger than that.

305
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:20,200
Happy days.

306
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:24,040
Happy days, yeah, they were.
As far as they can remember.

307
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:28,960
All right, guys. Now you really want
to come and look at some of the good
stuff that's in our warehouses.

308
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:32,160
But actually before that,
you have to do a little work.

309
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:35,600
We've got to get you in a stage
where you will appreciate
the whisky, so...

310
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,840
I am, I am in a stage
where I'll appreciate it.

311
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,400
Well, if you want to follow.

312
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,760
I am, honestly. Follow me,
I'll make you even more of a stage.

313
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:43,720
Come with me. Take that with you.

314
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:46,120
Yeah, I might need it.

315
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,480
Oh, no, I know what's coming.

316
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:53,360
These spent barley grains are perfect
for recycling as animal feed and
we're going to have to shift it.

317
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,720
And we'll show you
what you have to do. Oh!

318
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:58,200
We've got to empty that, haven't we?

319
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:05,080
You have to empty this. So we have
a pair of rubber boots each for
you, no expense spared. Right, then.

320
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:10,760
Is this why this distillery has
lasted so long, because you just
exploit visiting English people?

321
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,400
Absolutely, yes,
nothing we like better.

322
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,240
How do you get in?

323
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:19,760
One leg over. Don't slip now,
take it easy, it's quite slippery.

324
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,560
What do you do - just whack it down
the hole? Whack it down the hole.

325
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:25,200
Are you managing there?
Do you want a scaffold?

326
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:28,720
You want to get in here, cos there
are various other holes that I could
put this stuff in.

327
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:34,920
Yes.

328
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:39,120
Oh, damn! Not so fast.

329
00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:42,000
I'm going, I'm gone!

330
00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:48,760
I feel like a tiny man,
digging his way out of a bowl
of breakfast cereal.

331
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:53,640
I suppose we ought to drink
to Hugh's health. Slainte. Slainte.

332
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:02,160
Absolutely lovely. I can just
imagine a little bit of water

333
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:06,040
on the top of it, to just bring
out some of that sweetness in it.

334
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,760
Once you take this into a warm
atmosphere and add some water,

335
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:12,520
within no time at all the whole room
is filled with the flavours.

336
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:17,280
Well, maybe this smell
will go out of the door and wend
its way up towards Hugh.

337
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:24,640
Eventually, you get so thin
doing this that you can just
drop yourself down the hole.

338
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,280
Got some gorgeous whisky here, Hugh.

339
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,160
Oh, not finished yet?

340
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,280
I am, yeah.

341
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:36,480
Don't worry I'll save some for you.

342
00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:45,240
Ha, ha, ha, you jammy sod, you
missed. I've still got the whisky!

343
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:47,920
I'm not having, no, no more!

344
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:51,080
This time.

345
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:54,800
'That's it, I've had it with
doing all the work round here.

346
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:59,360
'Just because you've got the bottles
in your hand, doesn't mean you
get to keep them for your bar.

347
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:02,360
'Possession, I think you'll find,
is nine tenths of the law.

348
00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:04,080
'We'll see about that.

349
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:05,880
'I'm going to take you
to a place where I'm guaranteed

350
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:11,760
'a drink - Easdale Island in
the Inner Hebrides, one of the 790
islands off the Scottish coast.'

351
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:23,240
This is fantastic, isn't it?

352
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:28,400
It's absolutely wonderful,
but why are we on this boat?

353
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:31,560
Well, because I thought we'd done
all the producers, we've seen whisky

354
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:35,760
and beer and fruit wine, but we're
forgetting what we've got to do at
the end, we've got to have a pub.

355
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,600
Yes, why are we on this boat?

356
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:40,680
Because we're going to a pub.

357
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:42,520
A fantastic pub!

358
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,760
The Puffer Inn is the most popular
pub on the island.

359
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:51,840
'How many pubs are there?

360
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,840
'One.' You first.

361
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:03,040
This is more like it, isn't it?
So, this is my bar.

362
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:08,720
Hello. Hi, how do? Hello, hi.
Do you want a drink?

363
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,880
He said to me, "I'm going
to take you to a pub,"

364
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:14,200
and that was about 50 miles away
and about half an hour ago.

365
00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:17,040
Well, you're here now.
On a completely different
part of the world.

366
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:21,240
What do you want? Loch Fyne for me.
And I'll have a skinny. You have...

367
00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:25,600
I'll have a Skinny Blonde, yeah.
A Skinny Blonde. There you go.

368
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:33,200
Cheers. Cheers! Slainte. Slainte.
Is it Slainte mhath or Slainte mhor?

369
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:36,440
You say Slainte mhath, we say
Slainte mhor. Slainte mhath.

370
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:39,920
Slainte mhor. Isn't it fantastic
though, seeing lots and lots

371
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:42,440
of happy people, this is what
pubs should be about, isn't it?

372
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:45,840
This is what pubs are.
This is what pubs are for.

373
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:49,080
This is a good pub, by the way.
Oh, it's a great pub. You're right.

374
00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:52,440
Great pub. We keep wandering around
looking at drinks, and we forget

375
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:57,040
that the whole point of the drinks
is this place where the drinks are.

376
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,480
The drinks are only part of it.
Yeah, the feeling.

377
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:02,560
There's smiles on people's faces,
the noise, the chatter, you know.

378
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:05,360
Is this the whole population
of the island here?

379
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:09,920
No, we've got some visitors here
tonight, we've got about 66
full-time residents on the island.

380
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:14,520
66. When you say about 66, you're
not sure you might have lost one?

381
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:17,800
There's at least about 35 in here.

382
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:21,240
Yeah, it's a busy night, yeah.
Do you know what we've not done?

383
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:24,920
What? We've not divided up
the Scottish stuff.

384
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:27,280
We haven't divided
any of that up for the pub.

385
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:29,560
We don't have to, I've won all of it.

386
00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:33,440
Well, you haven't got
the Springbank and you haven't
got the Innis and Gunn.

387
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:37,120
I certainly have got the Springbank.
No, you can't possibly
take the Springbank

388
00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:39,800
because you behaved
very, very badly at Springbank.

389
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:42,400
Well, I've got it.

390
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:45,400
Yeah, but you haven't got it
morally, because morally I should

391
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:48,680
have it, because you left me
doing that mash thing.

392
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:55,160
All right, then, well, then, you
can't have some of your favourite
beer, you can't have that.

393
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,880
I can't have Innis and Gunn? No.
How many bottles of Springbank
are there?

394
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:00,680
Two. Well, then one each, then.

395
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:04,840
We'll have one each but I keep Innis
and Gunn, that's fair, because
you behaved very, very badly.

396
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:06,480
Didn't you? You behaved very badly.

397
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:10,960
All right. I haven't got anything.

398
00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:13,000
Is that a deal?

399
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:16,760
It's a deal. Excellent.

400
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:19,760
'You're unbelievable sometimes.'

401
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:24,520
So we've seen the model pub and
got some great Scottish whisky
and beer for our bars. Where next?

402
00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:26,760
Northern Ireland is our next stop.

403
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:31,480
Ireland used to have a great
brewing tradition and now at last
there's a micro brewery boom...

404
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:33,760
'Well, it's more of a mini boom.

405
00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:35,360
'What a mini micro boom,
or a micro mini boom?

406
00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:39,640
'What? Look, the fight back against
the corporate giants has begun.

407
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:43,200
'Viva la revolution, which I
would have said in Gaelic
but I don't know any.

408
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:45,680
'Indeed. Have I mentioned
that I'm two-thirds Irish?

409
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:49,080
'Er, yes.' And here we are!

410
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:53,240
Well, it's the shortest bit.
Northern Ireland.

411
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:59,400
A matter of a few miles, in fact
even less Irish miles than ordinary
miles, cos Irish miles are longer.

412
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:01,160
Isn't it wonderful? Yep.

413
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,200
What are these things, anyway?

414
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:07,160
They're a volcanic extrusion
of basalt that once stretched

415
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:10,200
in a plateau from Norway
to the Faroe Islands.

416
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,720
Is that it? Thank God for that.

417
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:19,240
'OK, geography lesson over, time to
get back on the road and where better

418
00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:22,200
'to stock up on drinks and tips
for a great pub

419
00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:24,000
'than the island of Ireland?'

420
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:29,440
What I love about the whole
of Ireland is the drinking culture
is an all-embracing one.

421
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:34,720
It's a public one, it's an open one,
there's nothing furtive
about drinking over here at all.

422
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:39,800
But they don't actually
have that many drinks producers,
do they, Ireland?

423
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:46,680
Because there's one, isn't
there, there's one dominant
brewery, isn't there? I presume.

424
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:51,120
Yeah, there's one dominant brewery,
which is a massive player

425
00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:54,840
and really sort of savagely keeps
the rest of the brewers at bay.

426
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:59,720
There's one even more dominant
distiller. Why are we here, then?

427
00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:03,680
Well, I'm going to find the sort
of green shoots of independence.

428
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:09,200
At one point, um, the biggest
sort of independent player

429
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:12,480
is not in whiskey or in beer at all.

430
00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:17,120
So the cream whiskey stuff, what
is it? Irish cream. Irish cream.

431
00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:18,800
Irish whiskey cream.

432
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:23,440
Absolutely. We're going to see
a really quite big independent
Irish whiskey cream producer.

433
00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:29,040
I got slightly obsessed by Irish
cream whiskey as a student. Why?

434
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:32,840
Cos it's really... I don't know why.
It was very easy to drink.

435
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,080
What kind of image were you trying
to give to your friends?

436
00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:36,920
I wasn't, I drank it secretly.

437
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:41,800
You were a secret Irish
whiskey cream liqueur drinker.

438
00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:43,920
Yeah. That's pathetic!

439
00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:53,080
We're here. And in here. At last.

440
00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:55,920
'This is St Brendan's
Irish Cream in Derry.

441
00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:59,160
'Aah, I'm getting a whiff
of my misspent youth.

442
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:04,480
'The tricky thing about Irish
liqueur is combining the whiskey
with cream without curdling.

443
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:10,160
'I'm hoping that Michael Corey
will let us in on the secret.'

444
00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:11,920
We've got to put these on, have we?

445
00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:13,600
And our obligatory hair nets.

446
00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:16,720
Oh, no - really? They're as
effective as a contraceptive.

447
00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:20,520
That's good, cos I've been using a
shower cap. For a contraceptive?
Yeah.

448
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:24,400
Does it work? You put a shower cap on
and no-one's ever going
to sleep with you.

449
00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:29,240
It's like there's a Woody Allen joke
about how his wife has started using
an oral contraceptive.

450
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:32,880
She says "No", and that's it.
It's great.

451
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:35,320
I'm going to look good in this.

452
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:37,160
You don't look good.

453
00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:41,600
No, no, but I'm getting a vision
of you with a sort of blue quiff.

454
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:45,040
Look at that. You look...

455
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:48,360
You could easily get a part
in Cranford dressed like that.

456
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:51,720
Just say this to me -
"The railway is coming."

457
00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:54,440
"The railway is coming."
Is that how they...?

458
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:57,880
Cranford's all about the railway
coming. I know. You'd love it.
I'd love it.

459
00:28:57,880 --> 00:29:01,480
I don't know why they didn't cast me
as resident bore in Cranford.

460
00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:06,400
Because they've cast you as
resident bore in this. Now...

461
00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:10,080
Anyway, we've finally found you.

462
00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:13,720
Sorry we took so long. And I'm
pleased cos you can give me a drink.

463
00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:18,800
You'll get a drink when you've
learnt something. Can you tell us
about this product of yours? Right.

464
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:21,720
If you take milk,

465
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:26,240
it's a mixture mainly of water
and butterfat.

466
00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:30,000
They're incompatible,
but they're held in suspension

467
00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:33,240
by a wonderful emulsifier
in milk called casein.

468
00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:39,000
If you acidify milk or put
a drop of alcohol in milk,
it will immediately curdle.

469
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:43,400
So we increase the caseinate level
almost tenfold

470
00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:46,440
and that gives us
the ability to stabilise water,

471
00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:50,040
butterfat and alcohol.
Would you like a sample?

472
00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:52,320
Yeah, no, I'd love a sample.

473
00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:55,120
Sorry, I wasn't sure
I'd heard you correctly there.

474
00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:56,840
These are restricted to 5ml.

475
00:29:56,840 --> 00:29:59,000
That's fine,
I'll have three of them.

476
00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:01,040
Component parts, Hugh?

477
00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:03,480
Milk, whisky, coffee...

478
00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:05,920
a lot of joy.

479
00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:08,760
You're only half right
in the flavour. Other flavours.

480
00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:11,840
Some coffee, but there's
much more cocoa flavour.

481
00:30:11,840 --> 00:30:15,640
Cocoa flavouring - cheers. I just
got the cocoa flavour. Well done.

482
00:30:16,680 --> 00:30:18,080
Oh, God.

483
00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:24,800
Hey, it's great. Do you know what
I'm getting a taste of now? Tell me.

484
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:28,120
1984. That's when I was a student.

485
00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:34,520
1984. You were 106.

486
00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:37,960
How many more weeks have you to go?

487
00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:44,720
I'm thinking of just ending it all
in about a week. I think there'll be
a strangling before the...

488
00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:46,760
Yeah...
Maybe before the night is up.

489
00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:52,120
We've got several more high bridges
to drive over, I'll alert you
to when they're coming up.

490
00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:54,680
'Said Ena Sharples, sinisterly.

491
00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:57,720
'Maybe you'll be less cantankerous
with some food inside you.

492
00:30:57,720 --> 00:31:01,760
'Luckily I've brought my favourite
cookbook about cooking with booze.

493
00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:04,040
'Are the recipes are any good?

494
00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:06,040
'Maybe we can serve them up
in our pub.'

495
00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:09,520
Right, I've chosen three dishes
for us which you're going to cook.

496
00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:12,160
One's called wine soup,
you can do that easy.

497
00:31:12,160 --> 00:31:16,800
There's another one I've got to do -
Highland fondue... Easy, simple.

498
00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:18,040
Highland fondue?

499
00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:22,440
Onion, butter, milk, mature cheddar
cheese, cornflour and Scotch whisky.

500
00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:24,400
Have we got all that stuff? Simple.

501
00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:27,200
We've got all this stuff -
I've got it all. What do we need?

502
00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:30,280
Then we're going to do beer butt
chicken. That's really good,

503
00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:33,760
it's all about your favourite
barbecue rub. Chicken and beer.

504
00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:37,280
'For the soup,
add some eggs, wine, water.

505
00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:38,360
'That's it.

506
00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:41,400
'Not forgetting
a firm whisking action.'

507
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:44,240
There's something extremely
unpleasant about that.

508
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:50,640
Soup isn't meant to have a head.
Soup, with a head.

509
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:55,440
'And now the Highland fondue,
which involves plenty of cheese.'

510
00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:00,520
HE LAUGHS

511
00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:02,520
Isn't it brilliant? All that cheese.

512
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:04,880
Yeah, but you're going
to have to grate it again.

513
00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:09,000
What you've done is you've grated it
and made a lump of cheese.

514
00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:15,520
Don't break it up... It's nice, it's
rather attractive. Oh, this is great.

515
00:32:17,320 --> 00:32:20,480
It's actually pouring with rain.

516
00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:22,480
Look - a rainbow, there's a rainbow.

517
00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:25,880
Yeah, it's lovely, it's in the
middle of that very black cloud.

518
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:30,120
Doesn't matter. People don't realise
about us, that we're rock hard,
do you know that?

519
00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:33,760
Bear Grylls, nothing.

520
00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:36,600
We're almost as rock hard...

521
00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:40,080
in fact, I think, as the people
who presented Changing Rooms.

522
00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:43,560
What - Laurence Llewelyn Bowen?
Yeah, him. Is he rock hard? No.

523
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:47,840
Ah, right. But I reckon we're
harder than him, I reckon
I could have him in a fight.

524
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:51,680
I reckon I could have him
and I reckon I could have
the bloke off Watchdog.

525
00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:56,480
And I could almost certainly
take out the bloke from
Homes Under The Hammer.

526
00:32:57,600 --> 00:32:59,560
Do you watch all these shows?

527
00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:03,600
You... Doesn't matter.

528
00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:05,240
I've caught some on my knee.

529
00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:07,080
Can you take the stuff
as I hand it up?

530
00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:08,120
Yeah.

531
00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:12,200
How much gravel do you want?

532
00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:16,480
Don't get the cheese out of the
gravel... It's going to be
cooked, it won't hurt you.

533
00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:19,840
Gravel, that is cheddar
embedded with gravel.

534
00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:20,960
Don't be such a wuss.

535
00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:24,160
You're the one who said you're
a hard man. No gravel in that.

536
00:33:24,160 --> 00:33:27,040
Has it rained again?
You know what that is?

537
00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:31,080
That's God's judgement
on your cooking.

538
00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:33,720
Hang on.

539
00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:39,760
Hard or not...

540
00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:43,680
Let's keep cooking.

541
00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:45,520
THUNDER CRACKS

542
00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:48,960
Let's not. No, come on. Right.

543
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:52,360
OK. Thanks for the brolly,
that's great(!)

544
00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:53,800
OK, then!

545
00:33:56,840 --> 00:33:58,680
Close the door.

546
00:33:58,680 --> 00:34:01,120
Oh, God, look at my bed!

547
00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:02,920
Come on, it's only a bit of water!

548
00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:04,400
You said you're a hard man.

549
00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:07,240
Well, your bed looks fine,
doesn't it, at the other end?

550
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:09,640
Well, we can share.

551
00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:18,080
'You know, this is why they don't
film Masterchef outside.

552
00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:22,600
'Shame, I was looking
forward to beer butt chicken.

553
00:34:23,680 --> 00:34:27,240
'Good job this wine soup's
hitting the mark.'

554
00:34:27,240 --> 00:34:28,960
Goes quite well with the beer.

555
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:32,840
Which is surprising, really,
cos this is a wine soup

556
00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:36,760
and you wouldn't expect the wine soup
to go so well with a beer,
but it does.

557
00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:45,000
Oh...gravel.

558
00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:48,240
Oh...

559
00:34:48,240 --> 00:34:50,280
I've got most of the road in here.

560
00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:54,320
What was the chicken recipe?

561
00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:57,600
Take a chicken, take a can of beer,

562
00:34:57,600 --> 00:35:00,680
stick it up its bum...

563
00:35:02,080 --> 00:35:03,640
..and cook it.

564
00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:07,560
It's good, works.

565
00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:08,960
Chicken likes it.

566
00:35:11,720 --> 00:35:17,080
Hmm. Well, I look forward
to meticulously preparing that
some other time.

567
00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:26,120
Judging by last night, I don't think
our customers are going to be
that keen on our pub grub,

568
00:35:26,120 --> 00:35:31,520
but I've been thinking - how about
we make our own Irish cream whiskey?
I mean, it can't be THAT hard!

569
00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:37,640
OK, if we're going to do it,
we're going to go back to basics,
starting with the cream.

570
00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:41,480
Do you know, it's taken us
20 minutes or something to get here,

571
00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:45,360
we could just have gone
to a supermarket.

572
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:48,000
But why would we do that?
To get the cream.

573
00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:51,840
But why would we want to get
supermarket cream to make
our stuff with,

574
00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:55,120
when we can get real cream
from a real farm, a real cow?

575
00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:58,160
Do you think they'll
let me milk a cow?

576
00:35:58,160 --> 00:36:02,360
Hugh, I think they'll be absolutely
delighted if we can find one.

577
00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:04,600
So far we've seen about 400 bullocks.

578
00:36:04,600 --> 00:36:06,360
There's got to be some cows here.

579
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:10,920
I should be allowed to milk
a cow because my restraining order
has finished now.

580
00:36:10,920 --> 00:36:11,960
Has it? Yeah.

581
00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:15,760
Haven't you got that tag on you
at the moment? Yeah. That bovine tag?

582
00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:22,000
Bovine tag! When you get close
to a cow, it starts rattling

583
00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:25,160
and Scotland Yard says,
"Yes, Whitehall 1212."

584
00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:27,040
"Oh, he's at it again, is he?"

585
00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:34,080
Is this it? This is... Yes, cows,
yes, this is our farm.

586
00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:35,680
Cows, anyway.

587
00:36:35,680 --> 00:36:38,880
Tremendous smell of slurry. Dunno
where the farmer is, exactly.

588
00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:40,360
Oh, God!

589
00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:46,080
Absolutely... Did you tread in that?
Yeah, I did.

590
00:36:46,080 --> 00:36:48,120
It's a fantastic colour, isn't it?

591
00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:51,320
It's like nothing has gone in
that cow's stomach except grass.

592
00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:54,200
Go on, you're so smart, smell it.
Smell it.

593
00:36:54,200 --> 00:36:57,440
What, to see if it smells of grass?
See if it smells of grass, yeah.

594
00:36:57,440 --> 00:36:59,480
Oh, cowpat, no, no, no, no...

595
00:36:59,480 --> 00:37:04,520
I said smell the shoe, I did
not say... How much? Come on.

596
00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:06,360
Nothing, smell my shoe.

597
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:08,000
All the whisky in Scotland.

598
00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:10,040
All the whisky in Scotland.

599
00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:13,960
Yes, all right!
'Glad we've got that sorted.

600
00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:15,760
'At least we're in the right place.

601
00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:19,400
'Ian Smyth's cows do supply cream
for the Irish cream liqueur
industry.'

602
00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:21,400
Hello. Hello. Hi. How are you doing?

603
00:37:21,400 --> 00:37:24,040
Hello. Oh, no, I can't.

604
00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:26,040
Was that you or mine? I don't know.

605
00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:28,120
My hand, my hand is clean.

606
00:37:28,120 --> 00:37:30,080
How did it happen? I don't know.

607
00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:32,000
I'll shake. There you go.

608
00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:36,280
Left hand? Ah, OK. Excellent.
Pleased to meet you. Yeah.

609
00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:40,360
You'll have to get that washed.
You've got cream, haven't you?
That's right, I do dairy.

610
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:45,080
And we need cream. All right,
well, I'll try to see if I can
get you some.

611
00:37:45,080 --> 00:37:47,440
Fresh as can be.
Straight from the cow.

612
00:37:51,840 --> 00:37:53,720
Oh, wow.

613
00:37:53,720 --> 00:37:58,440
This is some of our cows here,
I have for you to milk, you know,
I thought maybe I'd let yous...

614
00:37:58,440 --> 00:38:03,720
To milk? I walked in here
and I had a sinking feeling.

615
00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:07,920
Have you ever milked a cow?

616
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:14,840
What they say is you must treat
a cow as you would a woman.

617
00:38:14,840 --> 00:38:21,200
There'll be millions of women
out there thinking, "I'm glad I've
never had a date with Oz Clarke"!

618
00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:25,440
There are millions of women
who've never had a date with me.

619
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:30,680
That, and then... You squeeze.

620
00:38:32,080 --> 00:38:34,600
Sing whatever fits the rhythm.

621
00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:40,040
Do you want to have a go?
It's actually really good fun.

622
00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:41,200
Shall I try?

623
00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:43,440
Oh, absolutely solid!

624
00:38:43,440 --> 00:38:47,120
Now, what...? Oh, there we go, wow!

625
00:38:47,120 --> 00:38:48,320
There's always some!

626
00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:51,320
I think I'm squeezing
and pulling at the right...

627
00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:57,320
Oh, here we go, the cow's all...
The cow doesn't particularly
appreciate my manual dexterity.

628
00:38:57,320 --> 00:39:00,800
Sorry about this, Buttercup,
but it won't last forever.

629
00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:03,200
I've got this one going
like a power shower.

630
00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:06,040
Those milkmaids must have
had bloody strong wrists.

631
00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:09,360
I imagine they were enormously
popular in the village.

632
00:39:09,360 --> 00:39:12,640
Look at that, Oz. There.

633
00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:15,200
That's enough for
Irish cream now, isn't it?

634
00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:18,840
You haven't got as much as I've got
in mine. Look at that. Where?

635
00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:22,760
You can see it, also you can see the
globules of cream on the top of mine.

636
00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:28,320
Getting ready to be made into
Oz & Hugh's Irish Delight.

637
00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:32,600
So that's the cream sorted,
now what about the whiskey?

638
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:35,200
Well, slightly easier said than done.

639
00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:39,960
Believe it or not, there isn't
a single independent whiskey
distiller in Northern Ireland.

640
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:46,000
So we're going to have to cross the
border to the Republic of Ireland to
get some for our Irish cream liqueur.

641
00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:51,080
'I'm finding you strangely
attractive in that.

642
00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:53,360
'Just keep your eyes on the road.'

643
00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:57,640
I mean, 100 years ago,
Irish whiskey was the most
famous whiskey in the world.

644
00:39:57,640 --> 00:40:01,720
And do you need Irish whiskey
to make Irish cream?

645
00:40:01,720 --> 00:40:07,920
Yes. It's Irish cream, and
Irish people are extremely
proud of Irish things, so yeah.

646
00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:12,000
I don't really know the difference
between an Irish whiskey
and a Scotch whisky.

647
00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:15,480
Yes, you would. No, I don't.

648
00:40:15,480 --> 00:40:17,120
You don't know the difference?

649
00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:21,400
All right, differences are - Irish
whiskey is distilled three times,

650
00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:26,080
Scotch is normally distilled
only twice. That means it's
a much finer, clearer spirit.

651
00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:29,400
I bet you most Irish people
wouldn't know that. They would.

652
00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:30,760
I bet you they wouldn't.

653
00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:34,080
And I bet you even if they do,
I bet you they don't care.

654
00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:38,800
A, they care, because it's Irish,
and B, they do know the difference.

655
00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:42,000
Every Irishman in the street
will know the difference.

656
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:45,240
I honestly bet you they don't.
Well, ask them.

657
00:40:45,240 --> 00:40:47,200
Want to stop, want to stop?

658
00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:49,640
Go out into the streets of Ireland
and say,

659
00:40:49,640 --> 00:40:53,840
"Excuse me, sir, will you tell me
whether you know the difference
between this and that?"

660
00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:56,080
Well, easy enough to do.
I don't mind. OK.

661
00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:58,120
I don't mind. I bet you they don't.

662
00:40:58,120 --> 00:40:59,720
I bet you they do.

663
00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:08,920
Excuse me, do you know the
difference between
Irish and Scotch whisky?

664
00:41:08,920 --> 00:41:12,160
No, I don't drink. Sorry.
Brilliant(!)

665
00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:17,200
Do you know the difference
between Irish and Scotch whisky?
Is there a difference, like?

666
00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:21,680
Yeah, apparently. This man
can tell you exactly what it is.
He's been telling me all morning.

667
00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:25,600
I'm trying to work now, I didn't...

668
00:41:25,600 --> 00:41:29,600
Irish whiskey's distilled
three times, not twice,

669
00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:34,000
and it's made with ordinary
raw barley, not malted barley.

670
00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:38,160
Oh, I must try and sample that again
and see what is the difference.

671
00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:44,280
What's weird about that
was he said he was in a hurry.

672
00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:49,760
Yes. But also, what was wonderful
about it was that I didn't understand
a word he said, absolutely wonderful.

673
00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:54,200
What I did understand was
that he didn't know the difference
between Irish and Scotch whisky.

674
00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:56,080
No, no. Basically I'm winning.

675
00:41:56,080 --> 00:41:59,000
Well, you are winning,
but only on miscomprehension.

676
00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:00,960
Let's find someone else.

677
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:04,760
Do you know the difference
between Irish and Scotch whisky?

678
00:42:04,760 --> 00:42:07,000
No, sorry I don't. Would you care?

679
00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:08,720
No, not really. No.

680
00:42:08,720 --> 00:42:11,320
Perfect. 2-0.

681
00:42:12,360 --> 00:42:14,480
Could we ask you a question?

682
00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:16,000
Would that be all right?

683
00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:19,400
Have I got a big glowing red face?
No, no, no, you're fine.

684
00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:23,760
Do you know the difference
between Scotch and Irish whisky?

685
00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:28,000
It's a nicer flavour, goes
down better, less of a hangover.

686
00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:29,520
SHE LAUGHS

687
00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:32,360
And that makes it 3-0.

688
00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:35,680
Where are you going?

689
00:42:35,680 --> 00:42:38,520
I've met a man who says he's got
some original Irish whiskey -

690
00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:41,920
not for sale,
but he might let us have a taste.

691
00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:47,640
What's that? That's original
Irish whiskey, is it?

692
00:42:47,640 --> 00:42:49,720
Yeah, you want to try,
just a small drop.

693
00:42:51,040 --> 00:42:52,880
Look at the colour of it!

694
00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:57,800
That doesn't seem to
have an awful lot of...

695
00:42:57,800 --> 00:43:01,040
There was a bit of sediment, so I
might have shook it a little bit.

696
00:43:01,040 --> 00:43:06,520
There's not an awful lot of oak
barrel ageing in there. No. Oh!

697
00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:18,680
It's a... It's remarkably good.

698
00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:23,000
But it's powerful. Ah!

699
00:43:26,920 --> 00:43:29,040
That is really good, isn't it?

700
00:43:29,040 --> 00:43:31,320
It's really sweet at the finish.

701
00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:35,520
When you've swallowed it down,
your mouth fills with fruit.

702
00:43:35,520 --> 00:43:39,440
Fruit. This is the flavour
of the stuff,

703
00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:45,120
this is why, let's say,
slightly extra-curricular distilling

704
00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:50,200
went on so much longer in Ireland
than it went on in Scotland,
because it's better in Ireland.

705
00:43:50,200 --> 00:43:53,000
That's delicious.
That is absolutely delicious.

706
00:43:53,000 --> 00:43:55,040
Good, though.

707
00:43:55,560 --> 00:43:57,920
Your breath. Is it?

708
00:43:57,920 --> 00:44:01,760
Your breath, standing near you.
Tell you what, I've got a...

709
00:44:01,760 --> 00:44:04,240
If I was smoking, my hair
would have caught fire.

710
00:44:04,240 --> 00:44:08,120
To a flame thrower, yeah. That's
fantastic, thank you very much.

711
00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:11,320
I wouldn't touch it.
Wouldn't you?

712
00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:14,360
OK. Nice to see you. Thank you.
Cheers. Thank you very much.

713
00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:15,560
I'm glad you enjoyed it.

714
00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:18,000
HE EXHALES

715
00:44:18,000 --> 00:44:21,000
Do you know what? Cor.

716
00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:23,200
Ooh!

717
00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:26,640
That was extraordinary. So, do you
think that actually was it?

718
00:44:26,640 --> 00:44:28,400
That was poteen. Was it?

719
00:44:28,400 --> 00:44:33,440
That was poteen.
21st century, middle of a
perfectly normal Irish town.

720
00:44:33,440 --> 00:44:34,920
We wander into a shop...

721
00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:38,000
That's just bizarre.
It's woken you up!

722
00:44:38,000 --> 00:44:41,400
It certainly has. Gordon Bennett!
Must remember the name of the shop!

723
00:44:41,400 --> 00:44:43,440
'Why don't we get some poteen
for our pub?

724
00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:48,000
'Well, apart from the fact that
it burns your eyes out from the
inside, that's a very good idea.

725
00:44:48,000 --> 00:44:50,200
'OK. Let's go and buy
what we came here for -

726
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:54,360
'some real independent Irish whiskey
from the distillery across town.

727
00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:57,000
'It's one of the oldest in Ireland.'

728
00:44:58,640 --> 00:45:04,280
Well, two distillations, or three
distillations, doesn't matter,
it's really nice and it's mine.

729
00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:05,960
'We've got all the ingredients,

730
00:45:05,960 --> 00:45:09,640
'so why don't we just get on with
making our own brand of Irish cream?

731
00:45:09,640 --> 00:45:15,480
'And I know just the place to make
it, one of the 16,000 pubs that claim
to be the oldest pub in Ireland.

732
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:19,120
'It's just down the way
in Athlone - watch and learn.'

733
00:45:20,960 --> 00:45:22,840
Right.

734
00:45:22,840 --> 00:45:28,120
'All it takes is three
generous glugs of whiskey,
a splash of creme de cacao,

735
00:45:28,120 --> 00:45:32,900
'a soupcon of coffee liqueur
and a smattering of ice.'

736
00:45:32,900 --> 00:45:35,860
Just a little bit in there, please.
That's enough - lovely.

737
00:45:35,860 --> 00:45:39,020
'Then smother with delicious
fresh cream.

738
00:45:39,020 --> 00:45:42,540
'Shake into a frenzy
of frothy loveliness.

739
00:45:42,540 --> 00:45:46,700
'You sound like a hybrid
of Nigella and Stuart Hall,
and as for your face...'

740
00:45:46,700 --> 00:45:49,820
You look like someone who
was extraordinarily constipated.

741
00:45:49,820 --> 00:45:54,060
It hasn't curdled, that's what I'm
thrilled about, it hasn't curdled!

742
00:45:56,300 --> 00:45:59,220
Right, blind testing.
If yours is better

743
00:45:59,220 --> 00:46:03,020
than the commercially available
Irish cream,

744
00:46:03,020 --> 00:46:06,060
I will let you have
the Irish cream in the pub.

745
00:46:06,060 --> 00:46:10,220
But if mine's better, why would I
want the commercially available one?

746
00:46:13,460 --> 00:46:17,660
If yours is better, I'll have
the commercially available one,

747
00:46:17,660 --> 00:46:22,700
and if yours is worse, I'll have
the commercially available one.

748
00:46:23,940 --> 00:46:25,060
That's a deal.

749
00:46:25,060 --> 00:46:27,060
OK, that sounds fair enough.

750
00:46:27,060 --> 00:46:30,260
In fact, that's just about the
best deal you've made all week!

751
00:46:30,260 --> 00:46:32,140
Blind test. Right,
who's up for this?

752
00:46:32,140 --> 00:46:33,620
You are, right.

753
00:46:36,580 --> 00:46:37,700
It's good.

754
00:46:37,700 --> 00:46:39,780
There's that one or there's this one.

755
00:46:45,860 --> 00:46:47,140
I'm going for that one.

756
00:46:47,140 --> 00:46:51,620
'That'll be the 1-0
to the commercially available
alternative, if I'm not mistaken.'

757
00:46:51,620 --> 00:46:53,940
Right, there's that one.

758
00:46:59,620 --> 00:47:01,300
Nice.

759
00:47:05,980 --> 00:47:07,100
Lovely.

760
00:47:07,100 --> 00:47:10,460
"Nice" and "lovely". I go for this.

761
00:47:10,460 --> 00:47:12,980
You go for that one? Yeah.

762
00:47:12,980 --> 00:47:15,940
Jolly good, that's 1-1.
One for each.

763
00:47:15,940 --> 00:47:18,260
Right, you come forward.

764
00:47:18,260 --> 00:47:19,900
Give you a go. What is it?

765
00:47:19,900 --> 00:47:23,340
Well, we don't know yet, you tell
us - which one do you like best?

766
00:47:23,340 --> 00:47:25,660
Down in one?

767
00:47:25,660 --> 00:47:29,300
Well, I'm not going to stop
you, you do whatever you want to do.

768
00:47:34,820 --> 00:47:36,060
That's nice, yeah.

769
00:47:36,060 --> 00:47:37,900
What about that one?

770
00:47:41,900 --> 00:47:43,380
Still nice.

771
00:47:43,380 --> 00:47:50,060
Which is nicer? It's hard to know.
Nicer. Get this man some more.

772
00:47:50,060 --> 00:47:51,420
There you go.

773
00:47:51,420 --> 00:47:53,900
CHEERING

774
00:47:57,340 --> 00:47:58,460
Welcome to Athlone!

775
00:48:04,740 --> 00:48:08,340
OK, that's 2-1 to your homemade
Irish cream whiskey but I'm not sure

776
00:48:08,340 --> 00:48:11,700
that last voter was particularly
discerning. He certainly was.

777
00:48:11,700 --> 00:48:15,860
I don't mind losing. And anyway,
I've stolen his treasure map.

778
00:48:21,780 --> 00:48:28,860
'The next morning, and it's my first
Irish cream hangover since well
before the fall of the Berlin Wall.

779
00:48:28,860 --> 00:48:32,900
'Lucky one of us stayed sober
last night.

780
00:48:40,860 --> 00:48:43,300
'Anyway, I've got
just the thing to perk you up.

781
00:48:43,300 --> 00:48:47,140
'We're going to visit an
independent pale-ale brewery.

782
00:48:47,140 --> 00:48:51,340
'Now, let me tell you the difference
between a dark ale and a pale ale.

783
00:48:51,340 --> 00:48:54,700
'No, please don't, not today.'

784
00:48:54,700 --> 00:48:58,740
It was London which sort of created
the general idea of dark beers.
I know!

785
00:48:58,740 --> 00:49:05,020
Because they've got different water
and it's not very good for growing
pale ale. Even Hodgsons...

786
00:49:05,020 --> 00:49:07,540
You don't grow pale ale.
..original pale ale...

787
00:49:07,540 --> 00:49:09,140
How do you grow pale ale?

788
00:49:09,140 --> 00:49:16,220
Make, make. But even Hodgsons
original pale ale, even that
was probably a bit amberish,

789
00:49:16,220 --> 00:49:21,660
but the point is about when
Burton-upon-Trent got involved
with actually...

790
00:49:21,660 --> 00:49:24,500
Where are we going? Here?

791
00:49:24,500 --> 00:49:25,780
Probably.

792
00:49:26,980 --> 00:49:31,140
When Burton-upon-Trent got involved,
because they had so much gypsum
in their soil,

793
00:49:31,140 --> 00:49:35,820
because they've got so
many salts, and it needed
something which was refreshing...

794
00:49:35,820 --> 00:49:39,340
Have you ever thought
of becoming an anaesthetist?

795
00:49:39,340 --> 00:49:42,020
I fear I've gone the wrong
way round a roundabout.

796
00:49:42,020 --> 00:49:45,980
Well, just go quickly...
Is this the wrong way
round the roundabout? Yes.

797
00:49:45,980 --> 00:49:49,100
It is, isn't it, is anyone looking?

798
00:49:49,100 --> 00:49:52,940
# I have stockings of silk

799
00:49:52,940 --> 00:49:56,180
# Boots of fine green leather

800
00:49:56,180 --> 00:49:59,060
# Combs to buckle my hair... #

801
00:49:59,060 --> 00:50:01,700
Left. Left. Yes. Oops.

802
00:50:03,100 --> 00:50:05,900
Ah, yes, this is it.

803
00:50:06,940 --> 00:50:08,540
Brewery, beer.

804
00:50:08,540 --> 00:50:11,020
I really can't do this today.

805
00:50:12,460 --> 00:50:14,260
Don't be such a wimp.

806
00:50:16,420 --> 00:50:17,580
Whoops!

807
00:50:25,540 --> 00:50:27,060
Bloody hell - the hand brake!

808
00:50:32,140 --> 00:50:34,140
You're still in drive!

809
00:50:34,140 --> 00:50:36,020
All right! All right!

810
00:50:39,660 --> 00:50:42,460
Oh, God, smell the malt!

811
00:50:42,460 --> 00:50:43,940
What a smell.

812
00:50:43,940 --> 00:50:46,140
Come on, let's get tasting.

813
00:50:46,140 --> 00:50:50,420
'Right, here's my chance,
there must be somewhere
quiet beyond that fence.'

814
00:50:53,260 --> 00:50:54,460
'Where the hell is he?

815
00:50:54,460 --> 00:50:57,980
'Oh, you missed meeting
Ronan Brennan and Aidan Murphy!

816
00:50:57,980 --> 00:51:02,020
'They've set up their own
micro-brewery, they're going
to take on the big brands!'

817
00:51:02,020 --> 00:51:06,260
Hi, Oz. Welcome to Galway Hooker
brewery. It's a palace!

818
00:51:06,260 --> 00:51:08,260
Thank you, thank you. A Mecca.

819
00:51:08,260 --> 00:51:14,020
There's supposed to be two of us, but
I don't know where the other one is.
Oh, I've just seen this, excuse me.

820
00:51:14,020 --> 00:51:16,860
You're interrupting
our quality-control process!

821
00:51:16,860 --> 00:51:18,420
It's a tough job.

822
00:51:24,140 --> 00:51:28,220
Oh, those hops, that's such
a rare thing in Irish beer.

823
00:51:28,220 --> 00:51:35,620
It's got that beautiful bitterness
of really good home-made marmalade,
orange, and peel and it's chewy.

824
00:51:35,620 --> 00:51:39,380
That's what Ireland needs, more hoppy
beers, and you're here to do it.

825
00:51:39,380 --> 00:51:42,340
And you're just in time to add the
hops. Oh, you're hopping today?

826
00:51:42,340 --> 00:51:47,460
Yeah, yeah, it's starting to boil,
so we need to add the hops.
Excellent. Let's go, let's do it.

827
00:51:47,460 --> 00:51:51,180
Do you know, the silence
is just magnificent.

828
00:51:55,020 --> 00:52:00,460
I have felt a couple of times today
like a crash-test dummy in that car.

829
00:52:01,540 --> 00:52:05,140
I feel like I'm testing the
seat belt, I'm a sort of prototype.

830
00:52:06,180 --> 00:52:07,540
Badoom.

831
00:52:08,780 --> 00:52:11,180
So this is it,
this is the brew house.

832
00:52:11,180 --> 00:52:13,500
Mash tun, hot liquor tank.

833
00:52:13,500 --> 00:52:14,820
All nice and small.

834
00:52:14,820 --> 00:52:16,380
Yeah, oh, very small.

835
00:52:16,380 --> 00:52:18,660
Yeah, we brewed 650.
Small little batches.

836
00:52:18,660 --> 00:52:20,700
It's so important what you're doing.

837
00:52:20,700 --> 00:52:24,900
A great drinking nation
like Ireland with so little
independence of thought...

838
00:52:24,900 --> 00:52:26,540
You're here to bring it back.

839
00:52:26,540 --> 00:52:28,980
We're changing things,
one pub at a time! Yeah.

840
00:52:28,980 --> 00:52:33,380
So where are these hops of yours?
The hops are here, so if you
just want to come up here.

841
00:52:33,380 --> 00:52:35,140
'He'll be on about hops
at the moment.'

842
00:52:35,140 --> 00:52:37,700
He's a bit pervy about hops.

843
00:52:38,980 --> 00:52:41,980
He will.
He'll have been doing this...

844
00:52:44,380 --> 00:52:46,060
Oh! Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

845
00:52:46,060 --> 00:52:51,100
This to me is one of the most
exotic, thrilling, sexual
kind of smells in the world.

846
00:52:51,100 --> 00:52:52,100
It's hard to beat it.

847
00:52:52,100 --> 00:52:56,380
What I often do is, I rub some on
my hand and I don't wash my hands

848
00:52:56,380 --> 00:52:59,420
for about two days,
and it is, it's an erotic...

849
00:52:59,420 --> 00:53:00,820
Yeah. ..kind of smell.

850
00:53:00,820 --> 00:53:04,780
I think his whole life is sensory.

851
00:53:04,780 --> 00:53:07,500
He likes the...

852
00:53:09,020 --> 00:53:12,780
Basically, he likes sniffing,
rubbing and licking.

853
00:53:15,060 --> 00:53:16,740
Cheers, fellas. Welcome.

854
00:53:16,740 --> 00:53:20,940
Absent friends. Yes.
Well, one absent friend.
Do you actually watch Hugh Dennis?

855
00:53:20,940 --> 00:53:22,780
Who is he, again?

856
00:53:22,780 --> 00:53:26,020
Oh, I love you, I love you!

857
00:53:26,020 --> 00:53:28,220
The tall or the small one?

858
00:53:28,220 --> 00:53:30,900
He's the one...
Well, he's the ugly one.

859
00:53:30,900 --> 00:53:34,340
'I get the pale ale, as I'm the
only one who bothered to turn up.

860
00:53:34,340 --> 00:53:38,020
'You'd have enjoyed it - I could've
enjoyed it more if I wasn't driving.

861
00:53:38,020 --> 00:53:40,900
'Yeah, well, you need the practice.
I only had a sip.'

862
00:53:42,260 --> 00:53:47,260
Today I had a lot of fun
on my own, made a nice change.

863
00:53:47,260 --> 00:53:49,060
Oz, it's not about...

864
00:53:49,060 --> 00:53:52,260
You know, it's not you, it's me.

865
00:53:54,460 --> 00:53:59,620
You know what I really do
want before we leave Ireland?
What's that? A pint of stout.

866
00:53:59,620 --> 00:54:04,020
Ah, I'm hoping that I'm going
to satisfy your every need.

867
00:54:04,020 --> 00:54:05,780
I'm hoping that you'll not.

868
00:54:06,980 --> 00:54:11,100
We're heading to the West Coast,
they've got an oyster festival there

869
00:54:11,100 --> 00:54:13,740
and they will be serving
oceans of stout.

870
00:54:13,740 --> 00:54:17,980
I think oysters and stout is really
one of those fantastic combinations.

871
00:54:17,980 --> 00:54:20,300
They only do one stout,
don't they, here?

872
00:54:20,300 --> 00:54:25,100
Oh, I hope not. You've put a
dreadful spectre in my mind.

873
00:54:25,100 --> 00:54:28,380
It sounds like a song,
and quite a good one.

874
00:54:28,380 --> 00:54:32,020
"You've Put A Dreadful Spectre In
My Mind", sounds like a Motown hit.

875
00:54:34,340 --> 00:54:38,980
'Sadly, though, the
spectre is all too real.

876
00:54:38,980 --> 00:54:44,460
'The stout and oyster festival
turns out to be a sort of
corporately-sponsored Irish Henley

877
00:54:44,460 --> 00:54:48,500
'without an oyster or a pint
of independent stout in sight.'

878
00:54:49,620 --> 00:54:52,500
This is not what I expected.

879
00:54:52,500 --> 00:54:57,820
I expected it to be down by the
sea, to be lovely tables set out
and lots of lovely oysters...

880
00:54:57,820 --> 00:55:01,500
Where's all the independent stout
you promised me? There's none here.

881
00:55:01,500 --> 00:55:04,580
You must be able to get
independent stout.

882
00:55:04,580 --> 00:55:07,580
Yeah. I know a man.

883
00:55:07,580 --> 00:55:09,340
Trust me.

884
00:55:10,820 --> 00:55:14,420
'Oh, no, I don't like
it when Oz has a plan.'

885
00:55:16,980 --> 00:55:19,380
'Do you realise
how ridiculous we...? Sssh!

886
00:55:20,380 --> 00:55:23,420
MUSIC: "The Pink Panther Theme"

887
00:55:35,020 --> 00:55:36,220
'Is this it?

888
00:55:37,660 --> 00:55:42,660
'Yep! Great. Can we take
our sunglasses off now?'

889
00:55:48,020 --> 00:55:50,020
Well, this is more like it.

890
00:55:50,020 --> 00:55:53,260
Bottle of Porterhouse
independently brewed stout,

891
00:55:53,260 --> 00:55:56,900
lake, sunset, western Ireland...

892
00:55:56,900 --> 00:56:00,780
And no oysters. No oysters, I know.

893
00:56:00,780 --> 00:56:03,660
But the stout is wonderful stuff.

894
00:56:03,660 --> 00:56:06,660
This is the kind of stout
that Ireland used to drink.

895
00:56:06,660 --> 00:56:12,300
Yet it's so difficult for these
independent companies to get
their stuff accepted anywhere.

896
00:56:12,300 --> 00:56:17,940
It's a real, real battle,
and they'll do it, like these guys,
by tasting better.

897
00:56:17,940 --> 00:56:21,460
'But there are only eight independent
stout makers in the whole of Ireland

898
00:56:21,460 --> 00:56:23,940
'so you've got to go to
a bit of trouble to find it.

899
00:56:23,940 --> 00:56:29,420
'But if you do, you'll be helping
to ensure the future for Ireland's
new wave of small brewers.

900
00:56:29,420 --> 00:56:32,100
'In which case,
I'll take this for my pub.

901
00:56:32,100 --> 00:56:35,140
'I don't think so, with all the
strings I pulled to get it here!

902
00:56:35,140 --> 00:56:36,940
'Anyway, that's Ireland done
and dusted.

903
00:56:36,940 --> 00:56:40,180
'Looks like we're pretty even
on the drinks tally for our bars,

904
00:56:40,180 --> 00:56:43,300
'even though you shamelessly
plundered the Scottish whisky.

905
00:56:43,300 --> 00:56:46,460
'Well, morally, I don't think there
was any other course of action.

906
00:56:46,460 --> 00:56:48,980
'And after a lifetime
of alcoholic over-indulgence

907
00:56:48,980 --> 00:56:52,820
'it is much better for you
to get the non-alcoholic
elderflower sparkling.

908
00:56:52,820 --> 00:56:56,340
'Four words -
secret cream liqueur drinker.

909
00:56:56,340 --> 00:57:00,340
'Yeah? So? What's embarrassing
about that? That pirate
drank a bucket of it.'

910
00:57:01,540 --> 00:57:04,180
Anyway, we'd better be going,
we've got a ferry to catch.

911
00:57:04,180 --> 00:57:05,940
So we have. Are you driving?

912
00:57:05,940 --> 00:57:10,780
Ha-ha! Well, if you want to catch
the ferry, probably not!

913
00:57:10,780 --> 00:57:15,180
I think you are.
There you go. Come on.

914
00:57:15,180 --> 00:57:21,460
Absolute cheek! I mean, if you don't
like my driving, then YOU can drive!

915
00:57:21,460 --> 00:57:24,140
I've had too much to drink. Come on.

916
00:57:24,140 --> 00:57:29,100
'Next time, we're in northern England
for a home-made
flavoured beer showdown.

917
00:57:29,100 --> 00:57:31,140
'And the results aren't good.'

918
00:57:31,140 --> 00:57:35,820
"Bloody awful, tosh.
Also repels mosquitoes."

919
00:57:37,740 --> 00:57:41,060
'And the gritty reality
of being on the road hits home.'

920
00:57:41,060 --> 00:57:44,100
It's not really like anything
I've ever smelt before in my life.

921
00:57:44,100 --> 00:57:49,580
'We go undercover to see
how many local brews are
served in the local pubs.

922
00:57:49,580 --> 00:57:52,140
'Oz's idea of research, of course.

923
00:57:52,140 --> 00:57:57,180
'And we prove we're prepared
to take extreme measures
to find the best of British.'

924
00:57:57,180 --> 00:57:58,820
Does it worry you that you look

925
00:57:58,820 --> 00:58:01,460
as if you're about to deal
with a nuclear disaster?

926
00:58:10,540 --> 00:58:13,820
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

927
00:58:13,820 --> 00:58:16,980
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk