1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,680 That's world renowned wine expert, Oz Clarke. 2 00:00:04,680 --> 00:00:06,320 And that's Hugh Dennis. 3 00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:09,960 At last - a drinker is born. 4 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:14,120 We're on a mission to find the best of independent British drinks, 5 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:17,680 and open a pub at the end of it all for one night only. 6 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:19,040 ALL: Slainte Mhor! 7 00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:20,760 We'll go head to head with two bars, 8 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:23,760 each stocked with our own personal favourites. 9 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:26,480 That's tremendous. That's very, very good. 10 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:32,680 So far our tour of the nation has been hugely rewarding. 11 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:35,600 In the south, a miracle - a beer Oz didn't like. 12 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:38,400 It's jellyfish! Jellyfish! 13 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:41,280 And some knockout west country cider. 14 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:45,800 I'm hoping Oz is going to drink quite a lot, because if he goes to sleep he might stop talking. 15 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:49,840 And then to Scotland, where we sampled some single malts you dare not have as a double. 16 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:53,960 This is actually between 65% and 70% alcohol. 17 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:56,440 Happy days. Happy days, yeah, well. 18 00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:58,480 We've braved the elements. 19 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:01,800 My pants have just got slightly wet, because it's gone over the top of my waders. 20 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:06,280 And now we're heading to the north of England in a half timbered camper. 21 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:08,920 Things are about to get lively 22 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:12,320 when a real ale tasting gets completely out of hand. 23 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,040 Do you want another? 24 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:16,600 Oz the oracle fails again. 25 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,680 Have you been making cider here 26 00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:21,360 since the Benedictines arrived in 1802? 27 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:24,080 I'm afraid we haven't. We only started about ten years ago. 28 00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:28,800 And we go incognito on a pub crawl with some thirsty students. 29 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:32,440 ALL: Put it on! Put it on! 30 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,440 Today our quest to find Britain's drink high points 31 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,320 brings us to tranquil Cheshire. 32 00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:51,480 Every time that I leave London for the north, 33 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:53,560 I feel good, I feel excited. 34 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:58,600 The people in London feel delighted as well. Yes! 35 00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:03,040 I normally see parties at Euston Station, standing at Euston Station. 36 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,240 Brass bands and banners waving. 37 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:10,080 We're on our way to the village of Waverton 38 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:13,440 and a farm brewery where they grow and make their own ingredients. 39 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:17,520 We're going to see a man with hives. Sounds nasty. 40 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:19,280 Is he going to show me his hives? 41 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:22,560 He will have to, he'll give you special clothing. 42 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:24,080 Oh you mean "hives"! 43 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:28,960 Do you feel you're about to deal with a nuclear disaster of some sort? 44 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,560 But what's all this got to do with beer? You'll see. 45 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,480 Push that forward so your nose doesn't come in contact. 46 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:37,280 It's up there, my nose. But if your nose gets in contact the bees can... 47 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:38,960 Yeah, well my nose isn't in contact. 48 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:43,200 All right, but it's just in case. Whereas by contrast... Stop it! 49 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:48,640 All will soon be revealed by master brewer and apiarist extraordinaire, Mathew Whalley. 50 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:51,480 Right, we'll give the bees a little puff of smoke, 51 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:54,400 to settle them and let them know we're here, that's the entrance. 52 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:57,000 I've read Winnie the Pooh so I know roughly how to do this. 53 00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:00,080 Oh, excellent. Bees communicate a lot using pheromones, 54 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:03,680 so the smoke is... It subdues them by being slightly unpleasant, 55 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:06,800 but also breaks up the communication to a certain degree. Lid off. 56 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,720 Aren't they getting a bit lively? 57 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:11,440 Do you think they smelt my pheromones? 58 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:13,640 Have you been communicating with them? 59 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,040 I've been doing my best. 60 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:17,680 There are thousands of bees in these hives 61 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,200 making hundreds of jars of honey every year, 62 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:25,640 some of which goes into every barrel of Mathew's special beer. 63 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:29,840 So that hive's back together now, the bees will settle down quickly, 64 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:33,720 so we'll take this super full of honey away and extract it. 65 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:37,360 Oh, I get it. He makes honey and beer and then mixes them together. 66 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:40,640 Into a delicious golden ale he calls Honeytrap. 67 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:45,880 Favourite drink of the Russian secret service. 68 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,440 The stuff's pouring off now, you'll be delighted to hear. 69 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,960 It's flying out, you can see it running down the sides. 70 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,680 Flying out. In great torrents. 71 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:56,280 You're very good at that. I should think that should do us. 72 00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:59,720 It sounds like a big tumble drier. Sort of salad drier. 73 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:01,560 Yeah. Do you have a salad spinner? 74 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:05,040 You don't have a salad spinner. Tell me you don't dry your salads. 75 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:07,040 Please tell me you don't dry salads. 76 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:09,080 I'm going to leave that till later. 77 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:15,440 And finally the key ingredient is ready. 78 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:19,640 Hopefully you'll agree with me it's absolutely delicious. 79 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:22,160 It is. I'll agree with you. It's absolutely delicious. Excellent. 80 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:25,480 I love honey. It's got acid as well, that's what I love about good honey. 81 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:26,960 It's so sweet, but if it.... 82 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:31,040 It's full strength. If it didn't have acidity with it, it wouldn't work. That's right. 83 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,040 And now for the wondrous alchemical moment 84 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:36,160 when the fresh, homemade honey is added to the fermentation process. 85 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,120 It contains quite a lot of enzymes, 86 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:41,000 which could potentially give trouble in the beer. 87 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,600 So it's important we put it into the boiling liquid 88 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,600 to expose it to that heat and de-nature the enzymes 89 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:49,600 that are present, and then it all dissolve and then... 90 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:52,680 Ah! Got me, got me, got me, that one. 91 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,200 What beastly rotten luck! It was a wasp. 92 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:57,680 Well there was the culprit, he just fell out. 93 00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:01,480 Would you like to suck out the poison? Because I don't want you to. 94 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:04,080 I'll do that, I'll bite. I don't want you to suck. I'll bite and suck. 95 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:07,240 You're just making a massive amount of fuss about nothing. 96 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,600 Well shall we get out the brewery and leave these wasps alone? 97 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,080 Do you hear that? Wasps. 98 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,880 As it happens Matthew's Spitting Feathers brewery 99 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:19,160 has its own very popular bar in a barn. 100 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:20,600 Time for a tasting. 101 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:23,840 Want a beer I think. I want some of the stuff we've just been doing. 102 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,880 Two pints of Honeytrap. Which is that Honeytrap, please. 103 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:29,920 Honeytrap please. Cheers. Cheers. Let me know what you think. 104 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:33,560 Cheers, lovely. 105 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,400 Mmm. Tastes like beer to me. 106 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,840 Well in that case, I'm having it for my bar. 107 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:40,840 That's nice, that's good, isn't it? 108 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,360 What can you smell? Intensely nutty? 109 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:45,760 You can taste something, but it's a completely dry beer. 110 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:49,840 97%, 98% of the sugar in honey is fermentable. 111 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:54,080 It will ferment right down and give you a dry, slightly stronger beer. 112 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:56,080 Can you get that 3%. 113 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:59,560 I wasn't really listening to you. 114 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:02,960 I was just drinking my beer. 115 00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:20,280 We should probably be going, you know. Are you driving? 116 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:23,720 No, you're driving. 117 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:25,720 You drive, I can't drive. Nor can I. 118 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:27,600 You said you'd drive. 119 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,240 I may have done. 120 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,480 You said you'd drive. I take it back. 121 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,920 We won't drive. We're not going anywhere. 122 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:38,000 Two more pints? 123 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:41,200 We're not going anywhere. 124 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,880 So tonight we sleep in the field. 125 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,160 There are all sorts of bees in a hive. 126 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:52,760 Joiner bees, to bee or not to bees, wannabees. 127 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:55,240 Hammurabees. 128 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,240 THUMP 129 00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:58,640 Ooh, ow. 130 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,640 SHEEP BLEATS 131 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:08,040 Why have you got your foot in the sink? Your foot's in the sink! 132 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:09,280 # When I wake up 133 00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:11,480 # Well, I know I'm gonna be 134 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:14,920 # I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you 135 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,120 # When I go out 136 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,520 # Yeah, I know I'm gonna be 137 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:22,640 # I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you 138 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:23,640 # If I get drunk 139 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:25,680 # Well, I know I'm gonna be 140 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:29,320 # I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you 141 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:30,640 # And if I haver 142 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:32,800 # Well, I know I'm gonna be 143 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:37,080 # I'm gonna be the man whose havering to you 144 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,680 # But I would walk 500 miles... # 145 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:45,680 Coffee. Do you feel the van moving? 146 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:47,880 It's the sheep. The sheep? 147 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:50,680 The sheep under the van. BLEATING AND THUMPING 148 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:53,960 That is the noise of the sheep under the van. What are they doing? 149 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,400 I don't know. They're rock hard those sheep though, 150 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:57,720 they're a bit scary actually. 151 00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:59,600 That one's got three ears. 152 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,960 They're very northern, these sheep. 153 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:06,760 They're gritty. Well, what are they doing? 154 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:12,560 I don't know! They'd be scared of you though, I think, looking at you. 155 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:18,000 You look like a cardinal who's kind of been fired for various offences. 156 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,280 BLEAT Did you make that noise? 157 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:23,960 How did you do that? Because you're not moving your lips or anything. 158 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,440 # I would walk 500 miles 159 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:29,880 # And I would walk 500 more... # 160 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:33,280 Right, we've got one pub and two bars to stock. 161 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:37,400 We're going to need more beer, more proper English beer. 162 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:44,680 Excellent, Manchester! A city and some beers I recognise. 163 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,360 Not where we're going. 164 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:49,600 Ever heard of Bishop's Finger, Fiddlers Elbow, Dogfish Head? 165 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,440 I think that last one was by The Smiths. 166 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:55,880 They're all fabulously tasty, passionately brewed beers, 167 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:57,440 and they're all in one place. 168 00:08:57,440 --> 00:09:01,960 I'm going to show you the fantastic variety of different beers that we can actually have. 169 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,560 Ah lovely, thank you. Thank you. 170 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:09,040 Yes, here we are look, 300 casked ales, all under one roof. 171 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,600 To be honest I've never been to a beer festival. 172 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:14,160 This is a great opportunity to learn about different beers. 173 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:18,080 And they make me a little nervous. Everyone's got a beard. 174 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:23,120 No they haven't. Everyone looks like that, they're walking in like that. 175 00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:25,840 It suits you very well actually. How many months is it, dear? 176 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:29,400 But actually it's a bit like being in the back of the camper. 177 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,880 It's got the same distinctive smell. 178 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:36,320 There are hundreds of versions of my travelling companion and it's packed full of beer. 179 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:40,800 So many pumps in fact it looks like the inside of an enormous piano. 180 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:45,280 300, that's the minimum of 150 pints each. 181 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,440 What I'm going to do, there's so many beers around, 182 00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:49,320 I really want to try as many as I can. 183 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:53,320 I'll see you later, I'll pick you up from accident and emergency. 184 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:55,200 Oz is going to find so many friends here, 185 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:56,600 but I decided to pace myself. 186 00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:00,880 If I stand here and I look like this, 187 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:04,720 I won't have to drink very much. 188 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:07,000 But I would love to trip up Oz. 189 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:10,320 All I need is a real ale expert. Now who are you? 190 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:13,240 We were judging the beers yesterday for the competition. 191 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:14,960 We? "We were"? You're a judge? 192 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,640 Oh yeah, yeah, I judge a lot of these beer competitions. 193 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:21,520 Brilliant, a festival judge. Now for my cunning plan. 194 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:25,840 So, if you took ten beers or something, would you be able to tell which were the top three? 195 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:27,440 It would be quite tough. 196 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:30,760 If you had one of the world's finest palates, for example, like Oz... 197 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,080 Like your friend, Oz. Yeah. 198 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:35,800 That should be easy, is it? That would be a good challenge. 199 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,280 Fantastic. A co-conspirator. 200 00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:40,840 I've bought some beer for my friend, Hugh, 201 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:44,320 which he presumably drank, I haven't seen him since. 202 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:47,400 Frothingham. Frothingham. So where can we put them then? 203 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,280 On this table over here I think. Is this going to be really difficult? 204 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:52,960 So what have you go there? Beer. Got Sheffield Mild. 205 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,520 Shall I try it? Yes, please do. 206 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:59,000 Thank you very much. Yes, of course. OK, you find him, I'll lay them out. 207 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:03,160 Now Oz loves a game, especially a drinking game. 208 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:08,520 Oz. OK. Over there they've lined up ten beers. 209 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:11,160 Three of them are award winning. 210 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,600 If you can't pick the three award winning beers, 211 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,800 you will drink the yard of ale. 212 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:20,600 I got this from the same people who supply my Viagra. 213 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:24,640 All right. Very nice like that. Give the palate a go. 214 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:28,200 So challenge accepted, but if he does pick the three award winning beers, 215 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:29,640 I have to drink the yard of ale. 216 00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:32,520 Cleverer than you. 217 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:35,760 So off we go. 218 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:39,400 So what have I got to do? Pick three award winning beers. 219 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:40,960 And seven others didn't win an award. 220 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:45,080 Seven others didn't win an award, three did. Got it. 221 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,840 Taste buds don't fail me now! 222 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:53,120 All right, I mean it's a perfectly nice beer, 223 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,560 but I like a little more hops. 224 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:04,720 Much richer on the palate. He seems very sure of himself. 225 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:08,280 I like it, it's milling around, much more bitter at the back than the other two. 226 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,920 So you're halfway through now. You feeling confident? Yeah. 227 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:15,120 Six. Really nice that, quite full. 228 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:18,400 A little bit of smokiness, but not much. 229 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,800 Slightly milky. 230 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:27,760 Ooh, I'm quite worried now. 231 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,160 Better than 8, richer, more sugar left in it, 232 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:34,440 more sweetness, but actually it's a cleaner beer. 233 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,080 A touch of coal, getting sort of coal smoke, 234 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:43,560 as if though you're at the bottom of a...of a coal... 235 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:48,360 A mine? Coal mine? Coal, coal bunker? 236 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,400 Coal, coal... Coal fire? Coal... 237 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:53,760 Cole Porter? Cole, ha-ha-ha! 238 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:59,840 OK, let's go. Now my first one is that one. That's an award-winner. 239 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:04,520 Number one. Number one, my second one is number six. 240 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,320 Number six, right. 241 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:12,720 My third one is number nine. 242 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:15,280 The moment of truth. 243 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,640 3, 9, and 10. 244 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,200 3, 9 and 10. They're the award-winners. 245 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:23,960 As opposed to 1, 6, and 9. 246 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:27,640 Oh what a relief, super nose has scored only one. I'm safe. 247 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:31,320 Which, to me, adds up to a drink, doesn't it? Adds up to a drink? 248 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:32,960 A long, a rather long drink. 249 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,760 Come on Oz a yard isn't far, unless you're drinking it. 250 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:37,840 I'd stand back if I were you! 251 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:41,520 That's the weirdest way of taking your temperature I've ever seen. 252 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:53,040 Oh, well done. I'm not finished yet. 253 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,520 You try it then. 254 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,960 You're a very bad man. 255 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:09,200 Right, do you want another? 256 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:12,560 I'd like another shirt. Perfect. 257 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,400 Well who's going to drive now? 258 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,640 Well, not me, look at me. You can drive. 259 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:20,240 I can't drive, can I? I've had from there to there, I can't drive. 260 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:22,920 Pathetic. All right, we stay here then, I don't care. 261 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,960 Well Hugh Dennis with a yard of good British ale, 262 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,800 even a half empty one, some kind of progress. 263 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:35,280 No, a foreign lager, about 5% proof, 100% certain to irritate Oz. 264 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:38,720 What are you doing? 265 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,000 I'm having a drink. That?! 266 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:45,040 There's 300 fantastic beers downstairs 267 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,720 and you're drinking that muck. 268 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:50,960 It's a very successful international beer. Do you want one? 269 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,400 No, I do not! 270 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:58,280 If I'm going to share a room with that heathen 271 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,080 I'm going to need something more reassuringly fortifying. 272 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:09,840 Can I have a pint of Mad Monk please? Thank you very, very much. 273 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:16,520 Ah, that's better. Beautiful Lancashire stout, perfect night cap. 274 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:20,920 Perfect for my bar. 275 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:28,720 On the road again and I've found more examples of Oz's wine wisdom. 276 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,360 I've found another leaflet in the Tonka. 277 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:35,560 This is a useful one though, because this is about wine tasting. 278 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:38,800 These are words that you used. 279 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,280 "Aromatic." 280 00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:42,360 Aromatic is not just, "it smells", 281 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:45,400 because it might smell of, might smell of a cowpat. 282 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:48,040 It's particularly pungent and spicy. 283 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:50,520 A cowpat is pungent, rarely spicy. 284 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:55,960 Chewy. Chewy. Yeah, I mean you chew your, well you chew your lamb chop, 285 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:59,480 you chew your broccoli, why can't you chew your wine? 286 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:01,240 If you're chewing your wine 287 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:04,600 then there's something seriously wrong with that wine. 288 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:05,920 Idiot! 289 00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:13,840 Anyway, where are we going? 290 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,280 We're off to Morecambe Bay in Lancashire, 291 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,880 and the most northerly vineyard in England. 292 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,400 Michael Graham established it 12 years ago 293 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:24,000 and he now produces up to 400 bottles a year. 294 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:29,280 Wow, this is a completely new experience for me, 295 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:32,480 a vineyard this far north, it's just fantastic. 296 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:39,640 Looks so healthy. Unlike either of us. 297 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:41,680 Hello, I'm Oz and this is Hugh. 298 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:45,160 Hi, nice to meet you. Hello, nice to meet you both. 299 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,560 I'm so excited to be here. I've been reading about your wonderful 300 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:49,160 Mount Pleasant place for years 301 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:52,440 and I've never got here, and I thought, "What's it like?" Well it's fantastic. 302 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,720 I'm glad you think so, it's been, an awful lot of work, 303 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:59,320 building up, a lot of trial and error. But you love it, though? 304 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:03,120 Yes and it's not too bad growing the vines, that's not too difficult, 305 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:07,000 it's the making the wine afterwards where the star turn comes in. 306 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:11,080 But you're saying it's not too difficult growing the vines in Lancashire? 307 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:12,720 Morecambe Bay's just over there! 308 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,960 Well that's one help, from Morecambe Bay, 309 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,360 the nice Gulf Stream round Morecambe Bay, 310 00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:20,400 keeps this place not free of frost, but very little frost. 311 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:22,280 Historic moment for me, this. 312 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,320 My most northerly ever English wine. 313 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:31,200 The secret of Michael's success lies in his selection of grape varieties 314 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:34,080 that thrive in colder climates, 315 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:39,560 such as Rondo for his red and Madeleine Angevine for the white. 316 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:44,840 It is so pale, Michael, almost no colour at all. It's gorgeous. 317 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:47,000 If it tastes all right, that's the main thing. 318 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,280 Testing time. 319 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,400 It's almost as though you've got the green fruit 320 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:59,840 and you've got a little bit of the bark off an apple tree or something. 321 00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,920 Well I think it's great. It's almost as though someone 322 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:06,760 had dipped a bit of bark of a tree into the vat. 323 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:10,480 You're so sharp. I mean, you're right. That's the answer. 324 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,640 You'll cut yourself! Well you are actually right, actually. 325 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,920 It's not at all what I expected, actually. Could we try the red? 326 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,840 Certainly, yes. 327 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:20,920 That is a serious colour, Michael. 328 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,440 You really do get a good colour with this. 329 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:27,440 And the smell, delicious. In a blind tasting if you gave me that, 330 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,480 on the smell I, I would be saying, somewhere in France, not sure where. 331 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:33,520 Would never be saying Bolton-le-Sands, 332 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:35,600 just off the Morecambe Bay. 333 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:44,120 That's a pretty decent glass of red wine, Michael. 334 00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:46,400 I swallowed it a bit too quickly. 335 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,760 That is one thing about the Rondo, it's got some body in. 336 00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:52,400 Merlot and Cabernet Sauvignon and what have you 337 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,160 would never ripen here, so we couldn't grow them. 338 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:57,920 Michael, you've told me about three times as much 339 00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,360 as I got from your leaflet, 340 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:03,040 and just in the last minute, maybe you should write another one. 341 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:07,200 So, who gets Michael's Mount Pleasant wines for their side of the bar? 342 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,720 Don't spoil the moment Hugh, we'll decide later, 343 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:11,560 for now let's just raise a glass 344 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,400 to the unlikely wonders of Lancashire wine. 345 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:18,680 Lovely vineyard up there, you can see it, look, there, on the crest of that hill. 346 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,680 You can actually see the wall where the vines are up against. 347 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,600 You know what's great about this trip though? 348 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:27,840 Is that almost everyone we've met has been incredibly enthusiastic and committed to what they do. 349 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,320 And nice. 350 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,280 Yeah and really, really pleasant. 351 00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:35,920 And also, what appeals to me about it is the rhythm of making beer 352 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:39,240 or the rhythm of making wine and all that kind of stuff. 353 00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:42,840 It sort of imposes a rhythm on your life which isn't the rhythm 354 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:47,200 I have in my life, but it's made me think that I just rush around 355 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:49,960 like a maniac most of the time. So do I. 356 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,800 That's because you are a maniac. 357 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,280 But we've got lots more, that's what I love about this. 358 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,240 We've got a whole summer ahead of us 359 00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:58,880 and we're going to find lots more of these places. 360 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,320 Thank you very much for giving me some more wine, by the way. 361 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,960 Oh, do you want some? Charming of you. Your manners. 362 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,360 I thought you would have said. 363 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:08,040 I'm sitting here with my friend, watching the sun go down 364 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,360 over Morecambe Sands, I would have expected you to offer me some. 365 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:14,480 I was just beginning to get used to you and starting to like you 366 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:17,120 and now it's all off, it's all over. 367 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:25,080 Ah, look at that! A stunning view over magnificent Lake Windermere! 368 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,000 You see where that single space is there? 369 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,360 A bubble car wouldn't fit in that single space. 370 00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:31,800 No, no, but it'll be all right. 371 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:35,640 Yes, but we're in a car park and you're at the wheel. 372 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,840 Yeah, got it. 373 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,960 If you can get out and see whether I'm at the back or not... 374 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:47,840 I can't get out, can I? Because essentially... 375 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,520 I'm in a hedge. 376 00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:55,000 I'm actually in this beech hedge. What about that, is that better? 377 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,960 Just stop now. Oh, can you get out? Yeah. 378 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,320 You make a lot of fusses. 379 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,320 Now what have you lined up for my drinks education today? 380 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,000 Some fruit, some veg, some spirits and a few liqueurs. 381 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:15,120 And this would be the best of British what? 382 00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:20,320 Pimms. Now, you could buy this ready made branded stuff 383 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:21,520 and just add lemonade, 384 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,800 or you could go back to the raw ingredients. 385 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,360 This is an archetypical English summer drink. 386 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:29,480 We're going to make our own Pimms according to the original classic recipe. 387 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:33,360 OK, off you go, start chopping and I shall prepare What do I chop? That. 388 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,760 What am I chopping? Where am I chopping? 389 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,800 Why am I chopping? 390 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,440 How many, how much advice do you need about chopping a cucumber? 391 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:42,760 Not much. 392 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:47,800 Very interesting gin. 393 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:54,280 Two of these, all right. See that? 394 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:57,240 Two measures of that. 395 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,040 I'm doing this by memory, but I have a good memory for these kind of things. What's left of it. 396 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:03,160 Two measures of red vermouth. 397 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:09,600 Should be nice and bitter. Now, one of these, this is orange Curacao. 398 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:13,360 Curacao's blue, and that's orange. 399 00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:16,800 Natural Curacao is orange. Then why do they make it blue? 400 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:20,680 That's not a question that I think I'm going to answer. 401 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:24,200 What we now need is lemonade. 402 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:29,000 Oh dear. Now you can make, five parts to one, something like that. 403 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:31,840 My Pimms going to be one part to one. One to one. 404 00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:35,160 One to one. I have to say, it's a rather fine idea, 405 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:38,120 but it's not quite as classic as I'd hoped. 406 00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:42,800 Put this in it? Yeah, please. 407 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:46,800 Now this is a very... Don't just throw it in, have some respect here. 408 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:49,680 That's enough. It's going all over my trousers, stop it. 409 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:52,760 This here is the shop one. 410 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,720 Which is, you're saying, the real one. This is the prepared one. 411 00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:56,800 Oh, OK, yeah. 412 00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:03,320 Quite lemonade-y isn't it, that one? Mm, but I don't mind that. 413 00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:08,280 I think, lemonade-y, cos you get a slight bitterness from the herbs and the oranges. 414 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:11,000 It's quite good that, I think. Now, try this one. 415 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:24,560 That's quite strong, isn't it? That's genuinely quite strong, isn't it? 416 00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:28,320 I think you could probably use that to get the weeds off paths. 417 00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:31,760 This is an absolute head banger. It doesn't taste like it at all. 418 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,800 Doesn't taste anything like that at all, no, 419 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:36,320 really doesn't taste anything... It's the same sort of colour. 420 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:40,440 I hate to admit that I think that the shop bought stuff 421 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:42,120 is better than my stuff. 422 00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:43,760 How about this then? 423 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:50,040 Lovely afternoon. I did row, I rowed with seven other men, 424 00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:53,560 all sweaty, but when you've punted 425 00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:55,800 on similar bits of water, 426 00:23:55,800 --> 00:24:00,000 I did hope that this would bring me rich rewards 427 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,640 of the pulchritudinous kind. 428 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:05,160 And were the girls impressed by that? 429 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:06,880 I was disappointed. 430 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,320 So were they, by the way! 431 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:16,920 It's evening on the Otley Road in Leeds, 432 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:19,480 home to a string of typical English pubs. 433 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:21,680 And why are we here? 434 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:24,520 I'm worried that our pubs are beginning 435 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:26,800 to lose their sense of localness. 436 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:28,520 I'll tell you what I've done, 437 00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:32,640 I've enrolled us in a thing called the Otley Run 438 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,040 which is one of the most famous pub crawls in Britain 439 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,640 and I bet you that the majority of pubs 440 00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:41,200 won't have more than two local products on sale. 441 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,200 Of course they will. They won't. 442 00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:44,640 I bet you they have more than two. 443 00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:47,400 No. And the forfeit for the loser? 444 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:49,760 Whoever loses this, you empty the chemical toilet. 445 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:51,400 Oh! 446 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:57,880 I think they have more than two. It's a terrible bet. OK then. 447 00:24:57,880 --> 00:24:59,800 I hope to God I win. Who have you enrolled us with? 448 00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:04,160 Oh, just a few locals. 449 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:05,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 450 00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:10,520 Some locals! Good evening! 451 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:17,400 We're trying to do a serious review of pubs in this area, 452 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:21,600 so we look as though we got the right bunch. 453 00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:26,320 First of all you need fancy dress. Oh, really? 454 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:30,880 Well I'm trying to do a serious survey of the pubs around here. 455 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:34,720 Put it on, put it on. Oh God! 456 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:39,080 I'm really enjoying this(!) 457 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,320 You've got it on backwards. 458 00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:45,200 How am I going to explain this to my wife? 459 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,960 That's it? 460 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:50,840 I need a drink very, very badly. 461 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,680 OK so we're surrounded by Heidi, the Queen of Hearts, 462 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:57,480 and the Captain from Fantasy Island, but let's not forget the bet. 463 00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,400 Does this pub have more than two local products? 464 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:01,280 Speckled Hen, no that's not. 465 00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:04,720 Moreland. No, no, no, that's in Suffolk or somewhere like that. 466 00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:06,520 Guinness, no, nothing, you see what I mean? 467 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:10,280 Nothing is going to be local here. 468 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:16,440 Wharf Bank, yes, Black Sheep, yes, John Smith's - all local. 469 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:19,360 So Hugh's found three local beers in this pub, 470 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:22,360 but, like our fellow pub crawlers, the night is young. 471 00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:37,600 Oh, off we go. Well done, boys. Let's go! 472 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:44,880 I wagered there would be no more than two locally made drinks in each pub, but I kind of hope I'm wrong. 473 00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:48,200 I'm really excited that you've actually got local stuff on here. 474 00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:50,080 Look at this, I've seen it, look at it. 475 00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:54,440 Leeds Pale, beautiful, we don't know what that is. 476 00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:57,880 The point is I'm losing my bet and I'm delighted to be losing my bet, 477 00:26:57,880 --> 00:26:59,720 because I said that the local pubs 478 00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:03,240 would not have more than two local products on, 479 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:07,560 because we were losing our sense of localness in Britain. 480 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:09,600 And we're not at all. And he said, "No, no, no." 481 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:10,640 And look. 482 00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:12,560 Hey Oz, you can get tablets for that. 483 00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:17,400 Careful, I think our evening's about to get even more fruity. Shots? 484 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,440 Yes. Oh no, not shots. Shots. 485 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:22,320 I'm here on a serious mission. 486 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:24,560 So are we. 487 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:29,560 I think I'll leave the shots to the girls and stick with an honest pint. 488 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:31,440 This is Leeds Pale. 489 00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:33,000 Leeds Pale, I don't know. 490 00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:36,320 But it's local, we're determined to try and do local. 491 00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:40,400 This is a very nice pint of Yorkshire Bitter. 492 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:44,440 On to the next one. Next one. We do pride ourselves. 493 00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:46,920 So there you go, 2-0 to me. 494 00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:50,800 Looks like the chemical loo's got your name all over it. 495 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:54,600 Hang on, there's nothing local about this place. 496 00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:57,000 That's just one, one local thing. 497 00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:58,920 Have you got local, other, anything else? 498 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:00,760 You haven't any Yorkshire spirits? 499 00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:03,560 I'm the Yorkshire spirit! 500 00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:07,800 You win. Unbelievable. 2-1. 2-1. 501 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:10,840 I could be making a comeback but I'm not sure if I can keep count. 502 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:13,480 Could you at least keep up though? 503 00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:16,120 THEY CHATTER 504 00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:20,480 No, not in here, they have a "no yellow fruit" rule. 505 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:21,760 What did I tell you? 506 00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:24,080 What's wrong with being a banana? Why won't they serve me? 507 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:29,520 Don't you think we just look a bit sad? 508 00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:31,720 No, I'm ecstatic. 509 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:35,720 I'm still thinking that it's not right that two men in middle age 510 00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:41,320 should be wandering around with a group of second year female students. 511 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:48,040 Actually, are you happy? What I think is, I've actually forgotten that I'm dressed as a banana. 512 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:50,040 'I'm not sure I will ever forget. 513 00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:53,480 'But I thought this was about proving a point! It is.' 514 00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:56,160 Here's another pub without a local tipple in sight. 515 00:28:57,760 --> 00:28:59,400 We found zero. 516 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:05,240 So is that 2-all or 3-all? No idea. Next pub. 517 00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:07,480 Everyone keeps pulling my banana. 518 00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:10,160 And you've won again, 4-3. Good. 519 00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:12,800 I was 3-1 up and now you're 4-3, OK. 520 00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:16,600 I want to lose this bet because I want a decent drink. 521 00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:19,480 'But you don't want to empty the chemical loo, which you will be. 522 00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:22,240 'I won't. Yes, you will. The night is young. 523 00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:26,240 'I remain confident that tomorrow morning, I will 524 00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:30,000 'be inside the caravan and you will be battling with that thing.' 525 00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:36,680 "Push the container a bit backwards and at the same time push the yellow handle upwards." 526 00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:39,640 I can't believe I lost last night. 527 00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:42,280 I'm trying to tell you how this... I was 3-1 up at one point. 528 00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:45,320 "The container will be removed with the help of a spring." 529 00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:47,560 The worst thing is that you were loving it. 530 00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:51,400 You didn't care about the competition. You would happily have lost it. 531 00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:55,840 You were loving it, dressed as a banana with girls who could easily... 532 00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:59,200 You're old enough... I'm old enough to be their father - 533 00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:01,200 you could be their grandfather. 534 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:06,160 I was dressed as a whoopee cushion. Deeply embarrassing. I spent most 535 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:10,200 of the time thinking, "How will I explain this to my family? How will I do that?" 536 00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:11,800 It was perfectly natural. 537 00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:15,240 Didn't you find it a bit odd, the age gap? Slightly embarrassing? 538 00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:17,960 Not at all? Not a bit. 539 00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:19,800 Right, how do I do this anyway? 540 00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:21,840 I've just told you. 541 00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:25,280 Ugh. 542 00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:29,000 Oh, God... Ugh... Ugh, God! 543 00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:31,400 You're ruining my coffee. Put that back. 544 00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:33,320 It's a disgusting smell. 545 00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:36,040 Put your nose in that bit, put your nose in. 546 00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:39,640 No, don't. Stop it, stop it, stop it. 547 00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:41,640 What are you getting off that? 548 00:30:41,640 --> 00:30:45,600 Nutty, intense? I'm getting massive amounts of hydrogen sulphide 549 00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:49,680 implying there's been a serious defect in the wine-making process. 550 00:30:59,840 --> 00:31:01,560 Oh! 551 00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:22,240 Absolutely disgusting. 552 00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:30,760 I've been telling Oz that we need some non-alcoholic drinks for our pubs. 553 00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:35,400 And I've ignored you, until now. 554 00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:39,600 I thought what we'd do today is briefly have a sort of look at the 555 00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:47,120 kind of world of... What do you call them? Adult soft drinks, you know. 556 00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:50,440 What do you mean an adult? Like mixers, you mean? Yeah. 557 00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:58,040 And you are subjecting yourself to going to a non-alcoholic beverage manufacturing plant. 558 00:31:58,040 --> 00:31:59,120 Yeah. 559 00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:01,800 'Well, no actually. 560 00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:06,080 You see Fentimans the soft drinks maker is based in a brewery 561 00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:11,240 and not just any old brewery but the makers of the very first pint I ever drank. 562 00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:12,840 I knew there had to be a catch. 563 00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:14,760 You're Chris? 564 00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:18,920 Chris. Fantastic. This is Hugh. This is Robinson's brewer. 565 00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:21,680 We're meant to be at Fentimans, not Robinson's. 566 00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:23,120 I know that. I'm confused. 567 00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:25,520 I'm Eldon from Fentimans. Pleased to meet you. 568 00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:27,960 Nice to meet you. Oh, hello. Why are you here? 569 00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:29,480 We've been using Robinson's for 15 years, to get our 570 00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:33,680 products made and I pop down every now and again and just have a word with Chris, the head brewer. 571 00:32:33,680 --> 00:32:36,080 We ought to go and look in Fentimans cos that's why we're here. 572 00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:38,040 Yes, I'll be one second. 573 00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:39,400 Can I just try a... 574 00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:42,720 'Oh, I get it. You want me to take the factory tour... 575 00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:47,480 'While I take a trip down memory lane! Now which one was it?' 576 00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:49,840 So here we go. 577 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:56,520 No, I think the one I had was a little hoppier. 578 00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:02,960 It turns out that these soft drinks aren't completely, well, soft. 579 00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:05,800 They're actually half a percent alcohol by volume. 580 00:33:05,800 --> 00:33:07,440 See what you think of that. 581 00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:13,720 I've worked out that I'll have to drink twenty pints of this to not be allowed to drive the Tonka. Yeah. 582 00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:18,880 So I'll be all right. Yeah, yeah, I think you'll be perfectly safe. 583 00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:20,040 Oh, that's lovely. 584 00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:24,840 That's properly gingery, isn't it? 585 00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:26,400 Oh, yes, certainly is, yeah. 586 00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:31,800 Could this be the long-lost taste of my first ever bitter? 587 00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:37,080 We've got our second product here, a Victorian lemonade which is made with Sicilian lemon juice. 588 00:33:37,080 --> 00:33:39,880 There we are, try that. Tell us what you think. 589 00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:42,120 This is what Oz does when he tastes, so I... Yeah. 590 00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:49,880 Oh, that's good as well. My grandmother used to make lemonade. 591 00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:51,720 Yeah. And that's very like that. 592 00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:01,920 Oz isn't here so I suppose I get all this stuff. 593 00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:05,080 I love ginger beer and I love the lemonade. Yeah. And tonic. 594 00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:06,840 Oz and I are having a pub at the end. 595 00:34:06,840 --> 00:34:11,880 Are you? We're going to need mixers for our drinks, so would I be able to try some of that? 596 00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:15,800 Certainly, yes. We've cut down on the quinine and put lemongrass in there. 597 00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:20,720 Where's the sugar come from in this, what do you put in for that? 598 00:34:20,720 --> 00:34:22,360 We just use natural sucrose. 599 00:34:22,360 --> 00:34:25,360 That's very good tonic. And a natural tonic flavour. 600 00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:32,120 I can't remember. 601 00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:34,720 I think you'll have to fill them and try again. 602 00:34:34,720 --> 00:34:36,960 You're my kind of brewer! 603 00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:45,520 What about a little Yorkshire cider for our pub? 604 00:34:45,520 --> 00:34:48,200 I thought cider came from Somerset. 605 00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:50,160 Not necessarily. 606 00:34:50,160 --> 00:34:53,840 We're off to a see a monk who's been keeping alive an ancient tradition. 607 00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:58,480 These Benedictines are a great bunch of good Yorkshire monks. 608 00:34:58,480 --> 00:35:01,360 When they started out in 800 and something, 609 00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:06,640 they were allowed what worked out at about four litres of ale a day. 610 00:35:06,640 --> 00:35:10,920 But the nuns nearby were allowed seven litres. 611 00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:12,760 That's astonishing. 612 00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:18,440 The first person ever to write about the use of the hop, anywhere, 613 00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:21,120 was St Hildegard of Bingen and she was an abbess. 614 00:35:21,120 --> 00:35:24,320 She also was the first person to write about the female orgasm. 615 00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:30,240 I bet that's after seven pints of... After seven pints of ale. 616 00:35:30,240 --> 00:35:35,480 However, it's not beer they make in these parts, it's cider. 617 00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:40,200 So this cider is completely British, is it? Utterly British. 618 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:46,240 Cider-making by monks in England, 1,000 years, because they came over with William the Conqueror. 619 00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:52,200 Hello. Good morning. 620 00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:56,600 Very nice to see you. I'm Father Rainer, welcome to Ampleforth Abbey. 621 00:35:56,600 --> 00:35:58,360 So, we follow you? You follow me. 622 00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:04,320 Cool. OK. So, Father Rainer, the all-British cider-making monk. 623 00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:06,840 They're good at ciders though, the Germans, aren't they? 624 00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:10,840 No, they're not. Aren't they? I've never heard of a German cider. 625 00:36:10,840 --> 00:36:15,680 So Father Rainer may be a German, but mark my words, his orchards will 626 00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:21,160 be English and ancient and filled with the very best cider apples. 627 00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:23,120 So which cider apples do you have? 628 00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:24,680 I'm afraid we have got none. 629 00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:29,200 We've got eating and cooking apples, no cider apples whatsoever. 630 00:36:29,200 --> 00:36:31,560 Hmm, no cider apples. 631 00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:35,200 Have you been making cider here since the Benedictines arrived in 1802? 632 00:36:35,200 --> 00:36:38,240 I'm afraid we haven't. We only started about ten years ago. 633 00:36:38,240 --> 00:36:44,200 We realised that apples and the favour of people were sort of two different things and we ended up 634 00:36:44,200 --> 00:36:51,040 in having a lot of apples which were not meeting the criteria of people wanting to buy them and what do you 635 00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:54,960 do with large, huge quantities of apples which are unwanted? 636 00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:57,840 You make cider. 637 00:36:57,840 --> 00:37:02,040 I was told you can't make cider from these apples and, well, if you 638 00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:06,120 tell me I can't do something, it's probably a good incentive to try. 639 00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:12,400 So we tried. From there on we took courage and produced more and more and now we're using all our apples. 640 00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:15,800 Can we try some? Can we make some? Let's go, yes, try some. 641 00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:19,440 So are you, are you an English cider, even though you're German? 642 00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:23,120 I get that and I'm delighted to see you, but you are an English cider, aren't you? 643 00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:25,360 No, we're making Yorkshire cider. 644 00:37:25,360 --> 00:37:26,360 Ah ha! 645 00:37:28,400 --> 00:37:29,800 (Three things wrong.) 646 00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:36,400 Father Rainer's commercial enterprise may be recent, 647 00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:39,000 but he makes his cider in the traditional way. 648 00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:45,720 'Apparently I'm scratting over 40 varieties of apples from 2,000 trees.' 649 00:37:45,720 --> 00:37:48,240 Here's your spoon. What, straight on? 650 00:37:48,240 --> 00:37:51,080 Yeah. 651 00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:53,480 I'm rather good at this. In any particular way? 652 00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:55,120 No. Until it's just full. 653 00:37:55,120 --> 00:38:01,880 'The scratted apples are then stacked and wrapped in muslin for pressing. This is called a cheese.' 654 00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:04,520 Everything gets heavier and heavier all of a sudden. 655 00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:07,360 Does it fit? It does, yes. 656 00:38:07,360 --> 00:38:10,440 This is a 12-ton hydraulic bottle jack. Yes. 657 00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:13,280 There's... Oh, here, here he comes. 658 00:38:13,280 --> 00:38:16,280 There we are, it works. 659 00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:19,360 Hang on, let's have a look. My apple juice coming out. 660 00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:22,440 Isn't that rewarding? It's very rewarding. 661 00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:25,640 It's a wonderful moment, Father. Nothing happens and then suddenly 662 00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:31,400 beads of it start to appear and then the whole thing comes out like an avalanche, fantastic. 663 00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:34,640 It looks a bit brown now, because it has got all the oxidation. 664 00:38:34,640 --> 00:38:37,680 Once you get the yeast working on it, that disappears. 665 00:38:37,680 --> 00:38:40,440 'The result is a strong, dry cider, where the final 666 00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:44,200 'phase of fermentation often takes place in the bottle. 667 00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:46,120 'Like the off milk you have as a student? 668 00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:47,120 'Oh, stop it.' 669 00:38:47,120 --> 00:38:48,760 Come, now, and have some. 670 00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:52,080 Oh, yeah. You can't have anything. 671 00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:55,600 I'm the one who hasn't got the cider. 672 00:38:55,600 --> 00:38:58,200 I've never tasted cider. 673 00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:02,240 Taste it now then and stop mucking about. 674 00:39:02,240 --> 00:39:03,920 Say something intelligent now. 675 00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:08,120 That tastes fantastic. It's very, very good. 676 00:39:09,240 --> 00:39:10,840 I'll have that. All right. 677 00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:13,760 It smells wonderfully cider-y. 678 00:39:13,760 --> 00:39:15,960 No cider apples in this? No. 679 00:39:15,960 --> 00:39:18,880 So, cider apples would make it sweeter? 680 00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:20,920 No, they would add some tannin. 681 00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:23,320 Did you say, yes, then? 682 00:39:23,320 --> 00:39:25,640 I think you went "mmm". 683 00:39:25,640 --> 00:39:27,840 I was just so excited by the flavour. 684 00:39:27,840 --> 00:39:31,320 Oh, so you say. I think you went yes, cider apples would make it sweeter. 685 00:39:31,320 --> 00:39:35,200 I said nothing of the kind. This is absolutely tremendous. 686 00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:39,040 I would never have guessed you weren't making a cider full of cider apples. 687 00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:43,160 The cider really only gains its tannin from cider apples. 688 00:39:43,160 --> 00:39:45,360 The taste itself comes from the apples 689 00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:47,160 and the wider the varieties of the apples, 690 00:39:47,160 --> 00:39:50,600 the more flavour you have in there, the more flavour you'll find in the cider. 691 00:39:50,600 --> 00:39:52,440 And what does tannin give you? 692 00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:55,520 It makes the cider more safe. 693 00:39:55,520 --> 00:39:58,040 It kills off bacteria and fungi. 694 00:39:58,040 --> 00:40:00,400 So this tastes very good but we might die? 695 00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:05,960 Not at all, of course the alcohol in there and the carbon dioxide keeps all the other guys checked. 696 00:40:05,960 --> 00:40:08,280 I said, say something intelligent. 697 00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:10,560 OK. 698 00:40:10,560 --> 00:40:17,840 This is top-notch. If someone had said this comes from somewhere like Somerset, I'd have said absolutely. 699 00:40:17,840 --> 00:40:21,680 Yorkshire. You'd say "No, Yorkshire!" Yorkshire. 700 00:40:23,920 --> 00:40:25,520 Goodbye, Ampleforth. 701 00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:33,640 Yet another lovely bloke. 702 00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:35,320 Passionate about his cider. 703 00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:39,480 I asked him what he did with the spent apples, the crushed apples. 704 00:40:39,480 --> 00:40:46,280 And he said that they went to a local farm where the cattle ate them, but the cattle particularly liked them 705 00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:52,600 when they start fermenting and the cattle broke into a shed apparently to get hold of the fermenting apples. 706 00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:55,480 You're not serious? Presumably they get slightly drunk. 707 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:58,680 Slightly pissed cows. 708 00:40:58,680 --> 00:41:04,080 The only species that we've discovered so far which is not affected by alcohol is 709 00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:08,200 the sparrow and the sparrow has an enzyme that deals with alcohol 710 00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:13,000 which is 14 times stronger than the enzyme that human beings have. 711 00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:18,560 Do you think a sparrow knows that it's unaffected by alcohol? Do you think sparrows go around 712 00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:19,680 thinking, "Oh..." 713 00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:25,520 I think that sparrows go around thinking, "Why's everyone having a better time than I am?" 714 00:41:25,520 --> 00:41:31,120 'You know what we haven't done? Divide up the drinks and decide who gets what for their bar. 715 00:41:31,120 --> 00:41:33,480 'All right. Where shall we do that? 716 00:41:33,480 --> 00:41:35,440 'Where do you think? The pub.' 717 00:41:35,440 --> 00:41:39,160 We are actually both in this together to see what we like, 718 00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:45,480 to make sure that one or other of us, at the end of the series, has a pub that the general public prefer. 719 00:41:45,480 --> 00:41:47,200 Honey beer, do you like that? 720 00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:50,880 No, cos I got stung by a wasp when we went to get that. That's bad memories. 721 00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:54,800 If you can't tell the difference between a bee and a wasp, I'll have the honey beer. 722 00:41:54,800 --> 00:41:55,880 'It was a wasp!' 723 00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:57,760 What else? Ginger beer.. Ginger beer and Victorian lemonade, 724 00:41:57,760 --> 00:42:02,240 which, I would suggest, is beyond its sell-by date if it is genuinely Victorian. 725 00:42:02,240 --> 00:42:07,520 I'll have the Victorian lemonade. Ah. No, I'll have this cider. 726 00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:10,720 You can't possibly have that because you thought it was 727 00:42:10,720 --> 00:42:14,640 completely British and you thought they'd been making it for 200 years. 728 00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:19,920 It turned out to be made by a German man, who started making it in the 80s. I want that. 729 00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:24,360 I don't mind, you have it. You have it. 730 00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:27,000 Now, what about these? 731 00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:30,240 Coming from the most northerly... 732 00:42:30,240 --> 00:42:32,680 Registered vineyard... 733 00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:34,080 In? England. 734 00:42:34,080 --> 00:42:36,120 Yeah, well done. Thanks. 735 00:42:36,120 --> 00:42:37,920 What do you think about that? Did you like them? 736 00:42:37,920 --> 00:42:42,400 Well, I like wine. What worries me about this isn't the wine, 737 00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:48,160 or the bottle, it's not the taste or anything. It's the fact that, to me, coming from London, Mount Pleasant 738 00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:54,720 - lovely name - but to me that means Europe's largest post office. 739 00:42:54,720 --> 00:42:57,280 Mount Pleasant is a perfectly nice name. 740 00:42:57,280 --> 00:43:00,000 All my post came through Mount Pleasant, 741 00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:03,800 only a third of it arrived ever, so actually I'll have the red. 742 00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:05,000 OK, I'll have the white. 743 00:43:09,040 --> 00:43:10,680 There is one other drink. 744 00:43:10,680 --> 00:43:13,200 Who's going to have that? 745 00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:17,800 What is that? Where did you get that? It came from the minibar. 746 00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:23,160 The whole point, Hugh, is we're trying to go around Britain, to actually seek out 747 00:43:23,160 --> 00:43:29,720 the fantastic variety of drinks that this, our own nation, makes and try to put them forward and say, 748 00:43:29,720 --> 00:43:34,480 look, isn't Britain fantastic? You can get whatever you want from inside the British borders. 749 00:43:34,480 --> 00:43:36,480 You don't have to go to some foreign place... 750 00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:39,320 I didn't have to go to a foreign place. I went to the minibar. 751 00:43:39,320 --> 00:43:41,360 This is local, the minibar, literally, 752 00:43:41,360 --> 00:43:46,000 if you're lying in bed, the minibar is about there. 753 00:43:48,560 --> 00:43:50,520 All right Oz, look, I'm sorry. 754 00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:54,360 What's your theory about the local beer where we're heading? 755 00:43:54,360 --> 00:43:57,080 Don't ask me, what do I know? 756 00:43:57,080 --> 00:43:59,040 Ask a Yorkshire man. 757 00:43:59,040 --> 00:44:03,440 They're always going on about the fact that Yorkshire beer 758 00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:09,040 is stronger than southern beer which is complete and utter tosh. 759 00:44:09,040 --> 00:44:14,720 Yorkshire beer, a lot of it, is basically coal miners' beer and steel workers' beer 760 00:44:14,720 --> 00:44:18,600 and the last thing someone coming up from coal mining wants 761 00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:21,200 is ten pints of powerful tasting beer. 762 00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:25,840 They want ten pints of very light, easily drinkable beer. That's what they want. 763 00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:31,880 Would you say to a Yorkshire man's face, "Your beer is tosh." 764 00:44:31,880 --> 00:44:35,600 Yeah, definitely and I would also say that it's tosh that 765 00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:40,080 they say that their beer is better than southern beer. Absolute tosh. 766 00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:45,160 Later tonight, would you mind if I got a Yorkshire man and you said that to him? 767 00:44:45,160 --> 00:44:49,640 Probably a really big Yorkshire man who was quite angry anyway. 768 00:44:49,640 --> 00:44:54,680 Preferably not a big Yorkshire man. Preferably a small Yorkshire man with a mellow personality. 769 00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:57,720 'A man like Tony Gartland for example. 770 00:44:57,720 --> 00:45:01,400 'A brewer in Saltaire, West Yorkshire who's invited us 771 00:45:01,400 --> 00:45:04,600 'to taste his extraordinary flavoured beers.' 772 00:45:13,160 --> 00:45:18,960 We take some of our base beers then we add to it a whole range of syrups 773 00:45:18,960 --> 00:45:21,320 or essences, or it could be 774 00:45:21,320 --> 00:45:27,400 sort of fresh or dried herbs and we can create things which are really just quite different. 775 00:45:28,480 --> 00:45:31,680 On this plate, we've got galangal and black cardamom. 776 00:45:31,680 --> 00:45:37,080 Here we've got lemongrass, kaffir lime leaves. 777 00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:42,080 I've ground this up in a pestle and mortar, boiled it in a little beer 778 00:45:42,080 --> 00:45:47,120 to get a really good strong infusion and then basically casked it. 779 00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:50,960 'So, it's a sort of beer vindaloo?' 780 00:45:50,960 --> 00:45:54,400 That's tremendous. Full of flavour. 781 00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:58,440 You sort of lose a bit of the old American hops in it, don't you? 782 00:45:58,440 --> 00:46:01,400 They can't stand up to these. Very nice. 783 00:46:01,400 --> 00:46:04,960 'I know that beer goes with curry but this is absurd. 784 00:46:04,960 --> 00:46:07,840 'Not as absurd as the challenge Tony's about to set us.' 785 00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:12,800 I've got 60 members of our beer club turning up. We're going to do a beer each. 786 00:46:12,800 --> 00:46:15,760 We've got the cherry mix here and then we've got, on the dark side, 787 00:46:15,760 --> 00:46:19,600 the stout and the chocolate and the treacle here. 788 00:46:19,600 --> 00:46:23,040 They'll taste the result of this, what you've made and they'll give you marks. 789 00:46:23,040 --> 00:46:24,840 Be careful with your dosing. 790 00:46:24,840 --> 00:46:27,760 These are a mix of syringes of different sizes. 791 00:46:27,760 --> 00:46:33,200 Not going to tell you which one to use, but I'll give you the clue - little is more with this stuff. 792 00:46:33,200 --> 00:46:36,360 If you want to make a cow pregnant, that's the one to use. 793 00:46:36,360 --> 00:46:39,360 I'm not turning my back on you while we're doing this. 794 00:46:39,360 --> 00:46:41,960 OK, gents, you have five minutes to do your beers, 795 00:46:41,960 --> 00:46:45,760 then we'll take them downstairs to the critical beer club. Good. That's what I'm worried about. 796 00:46:45,760 --> 00:46:48,040 Honour amongst thieves. Less is more. 797 00:46:48,040 --> 00:46:49,960 Let's get going. 798 00:46:49,960 --> 00:46:52,560 Have you tasted your base beer yet? 799 00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:55,960 I think it's the same as the base beer we tasted before, isn't it? 800 00:46:55,960 --> 00:46:59,000 I recommend you taste it again and see what you're working with. 801 00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:01,960 I know what I'm working with. Unless you've got a very good taste memory. 802 00:47:01,960 --> 00:47:03,880 Taste your beer! Well, if you don't want to... 803 00:47:03,880 --> 00:47:06,680 I haven't got a glass to pour it into. Hang on. You don't have to. 804 00:47:06,680 --> 00:47:09,320 Are you trying to delay me? 805 00:47:09,320 --> 00:47:13,200 Just trying to be helpful, but why do I bother? 806 00:47:14,400 --> 00:47:17,840 Down below our audience awaits - 60 Northern real ale drinkers. 807 00:47:28,600 --> 00:47:30,680 Three minutes, guys. Hang on. 808 00:47:30,680 --> 00:47:33,920 'Chocolate and stout - perfect bedfellows.' 809 00:47:33,920 --> 00:47:35,160 Two minutes to go. 810 00:47:35,160 --> 00:47:38,200 'I know people like lime in lager, but can this be right?' 811 00:47:41,880 --> 00:47:44,720 One minute left, you better get moving. 812 00:47:46,120 --> 00:47:49,600 I was going to do it with a certain element of quality control, 813 00:47:49,600 --> 00:47:51,600 but now... Let it all go in, I think. 814 00:47:51,600 --> 00:47:53,040 I might balance it a bit now. 815 00:47:53,040 --> 00:47:55,280 Some liquorice, all gone in. I'll count you down now. 816 00:47:55,280 --> 00:47:57,680 Ten, nine... Chocolate. Eight... 817 00:47:57,680 --> 00:48:01,920 Loads of that. Seven, six, five... 818 00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:08,040 A bit of that in there. Four, three, two, one... 819 00:48:08,040 --> 00:48:10,480 That's it. Let's go. 820 00:48:12,120 --> 00:48:13,920 That is some beer. Look at that. 821 00:48:15,440 --> 00:48:19,880 Right... Right, guys. 822 00:48:19,880 --> 00:48:24,720 Oz and Hugh have made a beer each upstairs. I'm not telling you who made which one. 823 00:48:24,720 --> 00:48:27,000 Have a taste, see what you think. 824 00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:32,440 Score it out of ten, write truthful and honest comments. 825 00:48:32,440 --> 00:48:40,000 'Let the people choose between my quintuple chocolate death by stout and Hugh's very merry cherry beer.' 826 00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:43,640 You'll never have had anything like this. 827 00:48:43,640 --> 00:48:46,880 By the way, before you try that, I'd put the other one down, otherwise you'll drop it. 828 00:48:46,880 --> 00:48:50,880 'One could make you sick, the other one might kill you. 829 00:48:50,880 --> 00:48:54,080 'Let's hope they've got time to vote me the winner.' 830 00:48:54,080 --> 00:48:59,880 I thought the dark one's very nice. Hangs on the palate, goes down smooth. Oh. 831 00:48:59,880 --> 00:49:03,760 I wasn't very impressed. It was far too sweet and sickly. 832 00:49:03,760 --> 00:49:06,720 Just tasted like a strong cappuccino, if I'm honest. 833 00:49:06,720 --> 00:49:09,280 I loved it. Very chocolate-y, I love the chocolate. 834 00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:12,440 The dark beer was very nice. I liked that one. 835 00:49:12,440 --> 00:49:14,600 The red one was actually even worse. 836 00:49:14,600 --> 00:49:17,640 It's a bit tarty. 837 00:49:17,640 --> 00:49:19,240 Your red one's like bad medicine. 838 00:49:19,240 --> 00:49:21,400 Like a fruity tea. 839 00:49:21,400 --> 00:49:23,680 Which, when you're drinking beer, you don't want that, do you? 840 00:49:23,680 --> 00:49:29,320 I really like this one, but the dark one, bit too much for me. 841 00:49:33,320 --> 00:49:38,440 Right, the results are in. The first result is for the dark beer. 842 00:49:38,440 --> 00:49:41,280 Couple of comments on the dark beer. 843 00:49:41,280 --> 00:49:44,920 "Bloody awful, tosh..." 844 00:49:44,920 --> 00:49:49,240 and the score was 121. 845 00:49:50,800 --> 00:49:53,960 OK, the next one is the red beer. 846 00:49:53,960 --> 00:49:59,960 "Lacked taste. Looked more like something you'd put in your car engine..." 847 00:50:02,000 --> 00:50:04,240 "Also repels mosquitoes." 848 00:50:06,080 --> 00:50:11,240 And the result on that one, points, 163. 849 00:50:11,240 --> 00:50:12,720 CHEERING 850 00:50:12,720 --> 00:50:15,240 'Good grief I seem to have won by making a beer 851 00:50:15,240 --> 00:50:17,440 'marginally less revolting than Oz's.' 852 00:50:17,440 --> 00:50:19,480 My lips are sealed... 853 00:50:19,480 --> 00:50:23,320 ..by the corrosive pink stuff I've just been drinking. 854 00:50:25,160 --> 00:50:30,000 The key thing is that neither of them were anywhere near as good as this man's beer. 855 00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:33,000 CHEERING 856 00:50:33,320 --> 00:50:37,320 And the free barrel goes to my friend here. 857 00:50:37,320 --> 00:50:39,760 This is turning into Top Gear. 858 00:50:42,000 --> 00:50:44,880 Strongly-flavoured drinks are a great British tradition, 859 00:50:44,880 --> 00:50:48,160 but somehow in modern times we seem to have lost track of them. 860 00:50:48,160 --> 00:50:50,160 Don't tell me - "until now." 861 00:50:50,160 --> 00:50:54,720 Seemed to me when I looked at that, we probably had the ingredients 862 00:50:54,720 --> 00:50:59,920 for about four centuries' worth of drinking that fashion forsook. 863 00:50:59,920 --> 00:51:03,360 I knew you'd like that. Forgot. Forsook. Is that the same? 864 00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:09,280 I'm making a mediaeval caudle, which is a breakfast dish. 865 00:51:09,280 --> 00:51:11,000 As you can see, it's coming along nicely. 866 00:51:11,000 --> 00:51:15,280 'Add to a pint and a half of wine a tea spoon of ginger.' 867 00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:18,800 What was this one for? 17th century, when they knew how to breakfast. 868 00:51:18,800 --> 00:51:21,240 'A dollop of clear honey.' 869 00:51:21,240 --> 00:51:22,800 Oh, honey, honey. 870 00:51:22,800 --> 00:51:25,080 'Some ground almonds.' 871 00:51:25,080 --> 00:51:26,720 Just have a smell of that. 872 00:51:26,720 --> 00:51:28,160 That's about... 873 00:51:28,160 --> 00:51:31,800 'And a pinch of saffron and, finally, two eggs.' 874 00:51:31,800 --> 00:51:35,480 That's like Chinese soup. It's exactly like Chinese soup, so... 875 00:51:35,480 --> 00:51:37,440 Who lived on this? Knights or peasants? 876 00:51:37,440 --> 00:51:40,600 This'd be, oh, this was... peasants? For goodness' sake. 877 00:51:40,600 --> 00:51:44,480 Peasants? Where are peasants going to get wine from? 878 00:51:44,480 --> 00:51:48,040 How can you get Bulgarian Chardonnay if you're a peasant? 879 00:51:48,040 --> 00:51:51,920 If you're a Bulgarian peasant, probably quite easily. 880 00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:57,360 It's actually a perfectly reasonable drink and I'm rather disappointed by how reasonable that is. 881 00:51:57,360 --> 00:51:58,840 Let's have another one. 882 00:51:58,840 --> 00:52:02,280 Morning Glory Fizz is a Victorian hangover cure. 883 00:52:02,280 --> 00:52:07,600 You start by mixing an egg white in water, add the juice of a lemon, 884 00:52:07,600 --> 00:52:11,760 12 drops of lime juice and - the star of the show - absinthe. 885 00:52:11,760 --> 00:52:13,400 Isn't it really vicious, absinthe? 886 00:52:13,400 --> 00:52:17,560 It's really vicious. The people who actually make absinthe are mostly Czechs. 887 00:52:17,560 --> 00:52:20,720 Yeah, they didn't ban it like everyone else. Why was it banned? 888 00:52:20,720 --> 00:52:22,400 Banned for making people go mad. 889 00:52:22,400 --> 00:52:24,400 'I wonder what caused it in your case.' 890 00:52:24,400 --> 00:52:28,960 'Next in, whisky and a generous dash of bicarbonate of soda.' 891 00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:30,320 That's more like it. 892 00:52:30,320 --> 00:52:34,360 So this is essentially a vicious alcoholic drink and Alka-Seltzer, all in one? 893 00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:36,960 It's a kind of cure to its own problem. 894 00:52:36,960 --> 00:52:39,480 So the more you drink, the better you feel. Look at the head on it. 895 00:52:39,480 --> 00:52:43,280 It's fantastic, isn't it? And that's just some bicarbonate of soda. 896 00:52:43,280 --> 00:52:45,280 That's terrific. 897 00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:53,800 Morning Glory, how do you feel? 898 00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:58,160 Are you still in your own body? 899 00:53:00,480 --> 00:53:02,400 Ah, excellent. 900 00:53:02,400 --> 00:53:07,080 Cos you can actually feel, as the alcohol begins to attack you, 901 00:53:07,080 --> 00:53:11,720 the bicarbonate of soda calms it down, tells it to behave itself, go away. 902 00:53:11,720 --> 00:53:14,760 'Which would be fine if it had dissolved.' 903 00:53:14,760 --> 00:53:16,800 One of your tonsils has just come out. 904 00:53:16,800 --> 00:53:20,240 It's a solid piece of bicarbonate of soda. 905 00:53:20,240 --> 00:53:22,760 Oh, that is so disgusting. 906 00:53:22,760 --> 00:53:26,320 We can't use that in a pub. 907 00:53:26,320 --> 00:53:29,360 Why not? You could sell that to Dyno-Rod or something! 908 00:53:29,360 --> 00:53:33,440 Oh, that is just so... Oh! 909 00:53:33,440 --> 00:53:35,440 Oh! 910 00:53:35,440 --> 00:53:40,960 'Well, let us forsake these foul and forgotten fermentations that fashion hath forsook. 911 00:53:40,960 --> 00:53:42,800 'What say you, Hubert?' 912 00:53:42,800 --> 00:53:45,200 Fancy a pint? God, we've planned ahead. 913 00:53:58,080 --> 00:54:01,200 I love a service station. Don't you? Why? 914 00:54:01,200 --> 00:54:07,120 Well, they've got everything you want here. You could live here. 915 00:54:07,120 --> 00:54:09,200 I could live here. 916 00:54:09,200 --> 00:54:14,520 How many chews do you take on the average mouthful? 48. 917 00:54:14,520 --> 00:54:17,280 This is almost blissful for me. 918 00:54:17,280 --> 00:54:19,240 Just complete silence. 919 00:54:19,240 --> 00:54:24,240 The more you chew, the more you squeeze out all the juices 920 00:54:24,240 --> 00:54:27,560 and essences of what you're eating. 921 00:54:27,560 --> 00:54:30,880 As you get older, and you're only able to eat soft food, 922 00:54:30,880 --> 00:54:34,800 you're going to find that an enormous amount of time is freed up 923 00:54:34,800 --> 00:54:37,200 for doing other interesting things. 924 00:54:37,200 --> 00:54:39,960 Like not eating, for example! 925 00:54:39,960 --> 00:54:42,920 Shall we go? 926 00:54:42,920 --> 00:54:46,040 What? I haven't finished my breakfast! 927 00:54:46,040 --> 00:54:47,600 I'll see you later then. 928 00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:52,680 Don't forget that at some point, probably in a few months, 929 00:54:52,680 --> 00:54:54,960 this programme has to be broadcast. 930 00:54:54,960 --> 00:54:58,120 So it would be nice if you could finish your breakfast by then. 931 00:55:03,440 --> 00:55:05,560 20. Tomatoes are 20. 932 00:55:08,720 --> 00:55:13,400 So 2,513 chews later, and we're finally leaving Yorkshire 933 00:55:13,400 --> 00:55:16,720 for Lincolnshire's finest, Cleethorpes. 934 00:55:16,720 --> 00:55:19,080 And a place I know you're going to like. 935 00:55:19,080 --> 00:55:21,160 Ah, not another hotel with a minibar? 936 00:55:21,160 --> 00:55:26,120 Well, actually, it is a sort of minibar, yeah. 937 00:55:26,120 --> 00:55:29,920 This is what is in Cleethorpes. Look... 938 00:55:29,920 --> 00:55:33,480 The smallest pub on the planet? The smallest pub on the planet. 939 00:55:33,480 --> 00:55:37,560 Big enough for two of us, I hope? 940 00:55:37,560 --> 00:55:39,160 It's tiny! Hi! 941 00:55:39,160 --> 00:55:43,040 How are you doing? I'm very well. 942 00:55:43,040 --> 00:55:44,680 Excuse me, I'm so sorry. 943 00:55:44,680 --> 00:55:48,720 This is really rude. Two pints of XXX beer, please, landlord. 944 00:55:48,720 --> 00:55:50,600 Two pints of XXX coming up. 945 00:55:50,600 --> 00:55:54,880 Right. Here's to you. Here's to Lincolnshire ale. Good health. 946 00:55:54,880 --> 00:55:57,080 Oh, it's good, isn't it? 947 00:55:57,080 --> 00:55:59,000 So this is the smallest pub in the world? 948 00:55:59,000 --> 00:56:03,240 Yes, we were challenged by an American place. 949 00:56:03,240 --> 00:56:09,440 They got their solicitor to send a lovely letter, mentioning the word "litigation". 950 00:56:09,440 --> 00:56:14,520 We had to be measured independently for the floor area. And they did. 951 00:56:14,520 --> 00:56:18,160 Theirs was 108 square feet. 952 00:56:18,160 --> 00:56:20,640 This one is 64. 953 00:56:20,640 --> 00:56:23,520 And do you have regulars? Do lots of people come in? 954 00:56:23,520 --> 00:56:27,120 We have a good clientele, yes, that really support us here. 955 00:56:27,120 --> 00:56:28,960 Not too many at a time. 956 00:56:28,960 --> 00:56:33,760 To have more than say six or eight regulars would be problematic. 957 00:56:33,760 --> 00:56:40,360 It's when we have to use the scaled drinking vessels. 958 00:56:40,360 --> 00:56:41,560 Ah, that's a pint? 959 00:56:41,560 --> 00:56:43,400 That's my size. Yes. 960 00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:46,440 He's a lightweight this one. He's a lightweight. 961 00:56:46,440 --> 00:56:50,480 The smallest pint on the planet. Here's to Hugh Dennis. 962 00:56:50,480 --> 00:56:53,080 With a nice head on it. Thank you very much. 963 00:56:53,080 --> 00:56:56,560 Down in one... What a drink. 964 00:56:56,560 --> 00:56:59,000 Can I have a yard of ale, please? 965 00:56:59,880 --> 00:57:02,680 So what you learned about the north? 966 00:57:02,680 --> 00:57:06,800 Well, that you... That beer is quite difficult to make. 967 00:57:06,800 --> 00:57:10,600 And flavour! Quite proud of that. 968 00:57:10,600 --> 00:57:14,040 Monks are very good at making cider, traditional English cider. 969 00:57:14,040 --> 00:57:19,200 And that you really are going to have to do more driving, 970 00:57:19,200 --> 00:57:21,240 because I'm quite getting into this. 971 00:57:21,240 --> 00:57:23,360 TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS 972 00:57:23,360 --> 00:57:26,040 It's a steam train. 973 00:57:27,080 --> 00:57:28,440 It's a steam train! 974 00:57:42,120 --> 00:57:45,800 Do you know where we're going next, Hugh? Wales! 975 00:57:46,920 --> 00:57:48,520 TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS 976 00:57:48,520 --> 00:57:50,600 It's that way! 977 00:57:55,280 --> 00:57:57,880 As soon as I get a signal, I'm phoning my agent. 978 00:58:03,800 --> 00:58:06,360 Next time, on the final furlong of our journey... 979 00:58:06,360 --> 00:58:08,880 Ieuan's finest runs amok in a Welsh field. 980 00:58:08,880 --> 00:58:10,920 Oz Clarke, cow whisperer! 981 00:58:10,920 --> 00:58:12,640 He's gone down! 982 00:58:14,640 --> 00:58:18,880 Conclusive proof that Welsh rugby players know how to appreciate fine wine... 983 00:58:18,880 --> 00:58:21,120 CHEERING AND SHOUTING 984 00:58:21,120 --> 00:58:26,920 And the doors finally open on our very own all-British pub. 985 00:58:36,920 --> 00:58:39,960 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 986 00:58:39,960 --> 00:58:43,000 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk