'Hugh Dennis and I have spent the summer on an epic tour in search of independent British drinks.'
Isn't that rewarding. It's very rewarding.
This is absolutely tremendous.
'We've taken our camper south and north.'
Could sell that to Dyno Rod or something.
'To Scotland and Ireland.'
There are various other holes that I could put this stuff in.
'Now it's nearly time to open our pub for one night only.
'And take each other on with rival bars.'
You're being very competitive. Taking it seriously.
'We've assembled some of the most irresistible drinks Britain has to offer.
'Some of the finest spirits.' Come on in, this is where the magic happens. Cor!
'Award-winning Sussex fizz.'
'Ginger beer that packs a priestly punch.'
That is powerful stuff.
'And scrumptious cider from the West Country.' I used to drink about 20 pints one time a day.
'With the clash of the taverns just around the corner,
'we need to gather the last of our drinks and bar snacks.'
Now, that is fantastic.
Iechyd da. Iechyd da.
I see pork scratchings as one of the sexiest things in the world.
'And learn about what our customers really want - both men...'
THEY SHOUT
'..and women.'
We've now found that women want you to spoon your nuts.
'And finally, we pit my taste against Hugh's in a climactic battle of the bars.'
Another sparkling wine? Home-brew?
And that's whiskey-ey beer.
'If we get it right, there'll be a pub full of winners.'
Cheers, mate. Well done. I reckon that was close.
'And just one loser.'
CHEERING
We've already amassed a wild and wonderful collection of British drinks,
but what we haven't got is any pub know-how.
And I think the answer to that
might be to go to a pub.
We haven't been going to enough pubs? We need to go a pub!
Well, I've heard there's a fantastic pub in a quaint Herefordshire village.
What, a friendly local?
Of course. The whole place is full of them.
Ah, here it is.
This is one of the last examples of what pubs used to be like hundreds of years ago.
There's no bar, there's no counter, there's nothing, it's called a lounge inn.
They were called parlour inns.
'This a public house that really is just that...' Well, that must be where we get a drink.
'A public house.' Well, you've all got drinks, where do we get drinks? Who do we ask?
One of the last remaining parlour inns, The Sun has been run just like this for over 200 years.
Today, it's a piece of living history.
You're the bloke that'll give us a drink? That's right.
'I'd say Oz is pretty keen on a drink, but where is it?' Ah, barrels.
'Of course, it's a house, in the kitchen.' This is the way that beer is at its best,
stored like this and just served from the barrel.
If you haven't got a bar, how do you take the money?
Well, he hasn't yet because you've not paid him.
There's not a lot of money, actually. £4.40.
It's in there. Where? There's the honesty box in there, the notes and the coins are there.
In here? Yep.
And to be honest, you've been privileged tonight.
I've served you, when a lot of the regulars have to serve themselves.
'They also do some very tasty-looking pub grub.'
What have we got? Squirrel.
Squirrel. Fantastic.
Do you go round the A44 in the morning and picking them all off the road at 6.30?
No, no, they've been trapped.
They got hit by something! They're not roadkill, anyway.
They would have been if we'd been around.
'Actually, squirrel is very low in fat, high in iron, with tons of vitamin B12.'
It's a bit like chicken, isn't it?
Bit like rabbit. It's like a furry chicken that climbs trees.
With a big tail. Does it go well with your bitter?
It's quite bony, isn't it?
There's a lot of bones, Does it go well with my bitter?
Yeah, it does. I wondered when you'd answer!
I'm getting used to this - I ask him a question, two days later, he answers.
I'd better try one of these to see what it's like. Excuse me.
See if it goes with the squirrel.
You'd find out fairly quickly.
I'm finding it a bit difficult to get... Is it good?
Who put that hair in my glass?
Come on... Well, it certainly wasn't you.
ALL: Oooh!
LAUGHTER
'Uh-oh, looks like Hiawatha's turned up.' Am I allowed to ask,
it's one thing eating a squirrel, but you appear to be wearing a squirrel...
No, this is the mayoral regalia, mark two. Of what?
'Mayoral regalia? What IS he talking about?'
But mayoral what?
The pub, The Sun Inn. The pub has a mayor?
The pub has a mayor. And you are the mayor of the pub.
I am, I have been democratically or arbitrarily chosen. By yourself?
No, by the good lady on the side, to be this year's mayor.
Democratically chosen by this lady?
Yes. What about everybody else? With everybody else's full agreement!
That's not democratic. What power do you have over this gathering?
I was the mayor last year. The mayor last year... You can arbitrarily choose him.
Where is your office?
You're in it. You're in the office!
'Did you ever see the Wicker Man? Yes. What if they turn on us.
'Make us mayor for the night or something.'
I think the great thing for me about this is that it hasn't involved any loss of dignity at all.
LAUGHTER
Nothing!
I will now give you a speech at one word each. Thank you.
Very. Much.
CHEERING
Tell me, why doesn't the name of your village appear on the map?
'Lost in the Herefordshire triangle.' The thing to do is just to...just to back out slowly.
Back out slowly.
How about a pagan ritual for our pub?
What, like human sacrifice on a full moon?
Well, we are going to need some bar snacks.
HARMONIOUS SINGING
'And so, to the final country in our grand tour of the United Kingdom.'
There you go, Oz - Wales.
It's lovely.
I bet you they put a male voice choir over this bit.
SINGING CONTINUES
I hate it when they do that.
'It's very beautiful. What have you got lined up for us?
'When the Queen and Prince Philip were here last,
'they bought some of the local blackberry stout.
'If it's good enough for royalty, I reckon it's good enough for our pub.
'So you are taking me to another brewery?!'
I don't know why you always complain about breweries. In Ireland you never even got there.
Perfectly good breweries set up, you like drinking beer,
and yet you don't seem to want to make the effort to go and see how it's made.
I've been to every brewery in Britain. You have not.
I have. You've hardly been to any at all.
She's a female brewer. She'll make us do stuff. I've done everything.
She does everything herself.
She won't even let her family touch any of the brewing,
so don't worry, you won't have to do anything at all.
You'll just have to sit there and drink the beer.
The two-year-old Waen Brewery in Powys, is run by the Sue the Brew. It's already winning awards.
Hi. Hi, Sue.
Hello. Hiya, I'm Hugh, you're Sue.
Hi, Hugh. I am, nice to meet you, Hugh. This is it.
This is it. This is... The lot, all in one tiny place. ..our brewery. Absolutely.
So this is our grain. Have a go at that.
This is what we use in our blackberry stout. Blackberry stout?
Fantastic. It works really well. And you do everything yourself.
Everything, except for driving the van.
But all the brewing is done by you?
All the brewing I do myself. Yeah, absolutely everything. Told you so.
Yeah. So nothing we can do at all?
If you're really wanting to help, there are some blackberries that need picking for this brew,
so you're more than welcome to do some of that for me, if you like.
Why did you ask?
Why did you...ask?
You said you were fed up with breweries.
Is a blackberry stout going to work in the bar?
Yeah, it's a good idea, cos basically, stout's nice and dark,
blackberries are dark and...stout's sometimes rather dry, and so...
The fruit mixes with... That sweet blackberry fruit would be good.
Are we going to try it, then?
Yeah. If we like it, we'll have it.
This time of year, by the way, they get bitten by a certain sort of fly
which leaves a sourness in them -
the ones that have got flies on them, don't pick those.
It's called the devil's bite.
Have you ever been employed by an insomniac?
Fly on the wall.
Come on, that's enough.
There is more there. Don't care.
Can Stanley Matthews beat...
Peter Shilton?
Calm down.
Oh, God. Now I'm in trouble!
OZ LAUGHS
Mission accomplished. Excellent.
Just.
You're going to like those. Excellent. We threw a lot of them at each other.
I'm sorry. But we kept the best ones for you.
Fantastic, thank you. So I guess I need to give you something in return here now, guys.
Well, a drink would be nice. Right, you're going to sample some of your lovely blackberry stout here.
Now, that looks tremendous.
There you go.
It's dark, rich. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you very much.
Lovely sort of cappuccino-y kind of smell.
And yet, just a bit sweeter.
Mm.
It's very good.
Can I taste the blackberries? What I get is bitterness rather than blackberries, and it's so reassuring
as too many modern stouts and porters haven't got any bitterness.
The blackberries you just get on the finish, it just gives a tartness to the finish.
Also with very slight fresh... glimmer of sweetness. Well, this is very good.
I wasn't that keen on going to another brewery cos I've been to 7...how many is it?
700... 713. But I'm very, very glad I came.
Good. Glad to hear it.
Iechyd da. Iechyd da. Iechyd da. Slainte.
Iechyd da. Slainte for...
Slainte.... Slainte mhath. 1800 TDI. Thank you very much.
Cheers.
Right, we've got a pub to open and Sue's stout is still up for grabs.
I liked it. I didn't taste many blackberries in it, to be honest.
But we didn't pick many blackberries.
Anyway, who's going to get it for the pub?
I'll toss you for it.
No, I won't, I'll rephrase that.
Without going into details, Hugh won the toss and chose the Welsh stout for his side of the pub.
Our next destination is that most traditional of Welsh beer-drinking institutions, the rugby club.
But it seems the times might be a-changin'...
By 2039, more Welsh men in pubs
will drink wine than beer, apparently.
Welshmen in pubs will drink more wine than beer?
Well, according to this. Brilliant.
We're going to the rugby club, we'll ask them.
You...YOU can ask them!
Have we got life insurance? Have we?
We'll offer them some Welsh wine.
Sugarloaf Blush is a medium dry rose with delicious strawberry flavours.
Sounds masculine.
I bet we can change some age-old habits. Doubtful.
He can't even use his arms.
They're enormous. Are you frightened?
I'm more frightened for you cos I know I can run a lot faster than you. Come on.
If I'm right... ..and we don't end up tethered to a lamppost with no trousers...
..we'll have the Welsh wine for our pub.
We've got a survey to show that Welsh men will shortly prefer wine to beer.
Give you some nice, pink blush and see what you think.
We haven't got a hope. It's all right, yeah.
Will you let me take away your lager and give you a glass of wine?
Not a chance.
'It's not over yet. Drinking behaviour IS changing.
'Yep, from beer to alcopops.'
'So, what will the younger generation make of our Sugarloaf wine?' Are you sure that's Welsh?
'Ah, there's a palette ripe for education.' First we'll taste it.
Right, who else? What about..? Look at that, that's what I call enthusiasm. Enthusiasm.
So it seems to me on this table of rugby players...
And he's looking all coy, what is that about?
Do you prefer wine to beer?
I love wine. In the general occasions, yes, I can see you love it by the way you knock it back.
'Yep. Right idea, wrong glass.
'Well, it's not big and it's not clever.
'Are you going to tell him? I'm not going to tell him.
'Hang on, isn't that the wine for our pub? It was.'
It wasn't really very delicate wine drinking.
It could have been the fact that it was free,
but I think they thought it was... they genuinely thought it tasted good.
I think for the pub it's made me think that we've probably got to have some wine on.
If there are more men who drink wine by 2039, the country's going to have an enormous alcohol problem.
'It's going to run out of wine for a start.'
Well, that was fantastic and I couldn't have been more wrong.
I could not have been more wrong.
Unbelievable, look at them. All those great big rugby lads, all say, "We drink wine."
What did I tell you? Yeah, every single one of them drank wine. One of them drank a pint of wine.
In about 12 seconds. Unbelievable!
THEY SING There'll be two hours more of this. There will.
I don't want to leave. No, those lyrics are a bit dodgy. I want to go and learn some.
That's my favourite bit about rugby, all those bawdy songs they sing.
Yes, but they wouldn't be allowed on television.
I could always change the words.
Maybe if I just lie here like Lenin.
'Twas on the good ship Venus By Christ you should have seen us The figurehead was...
Oh, can't say that.
The cabin boy's name was Ripper He was a foul-mouthed little nipper.
We're doing well... No, we're not. No, we're not.
The cook's name was Bilkie His hands were soft and silky
He worked all night by candlelight To keep the porridge milky.
And when we reached our station Through skilful navigation
The ship got sunk in a wave of... No, no, no, no.
So, what makes the porridge milky?
Up at the crack of lunchtime.
Well, I am!
And with another tasty recipe up my sleeve.
The one the rain denied us in Ireland.
Carefully check your chief ingredient, then shove the rest up your bird.
Yes, I'm cooking a classic Sunday roast.
Beer butt chicken.
Oz'll love that.
Just cook at a medium heat for about two hours for the perfect Sunday lunch.
So lunch is under way, Oz is awake and this campsite even has a luxury latrine.
Happy days! What are you doing? I'm on an archaeological dig. In my washbag?
There are a couple of things. You'll know them when you find them.
Don't take them out. 'So, what does the world's finest palate regard as wash time essentials.' Corkscrew.
Why have you got a corkscrew in your sponge bag?
Viagra. Stop it.
Germoloids.
Yeah, if you're going to have a curry. Yeah.
HUGH CHUCKLES
Well, that is fantastic.
Helena Rubinstein eye sculptor. What is wrong with that?
Well, one, there isn't anything in it which, means you've actually used most of it, haven't you?
Yes. You've used Helena Rubinstein eye sculptor.
And you haven't even noticed!
What's it do? It sculpts your eyes.
To look like what. Fathead!
What's it for? It's to look marginally better in the morning.
That's been incredibly instructive. Thank you very much.
# What a day
# For a daydream
# What a day for a daydreaming boy... #
Is it ready yet? No.
Is it ready yet?
Yes.
You'll like this.
Oh, look at that!
Look at that!
It's dripping beer. 'I'm very worried about the new me.'
And there's still some beer in the can. Look at that!
It's an old recipe. Leg or breast, sir?
I'd like whatever bit won't kill me.
Well, I think it'll all be fine, look.
I think this is... You've rediscovered the ancient art of Peking crispy chicken.
It smells like beer, but not beer as we know it.
It smells like beer that's probably been drunk before.
Shall I tell you what that tastes of? What.
Quite dry chicken.
Well...
That's...all it needed, really.
That beer makes a really good gravy. I think you've discovered something.
I'm glad we put the table here, because this is perfect.
Why did...? Did you put...? You can't blame me!
Now, before we leave Wales, I want you to introduce you to a really good Welsh bitter.
In a field? Yes.
Monty's Sunshine beer is a golden, hoppy and floral bitter
recently voted one of the top ten real ales in the UK.
It's very popular with the locals round here.
..means the white... Oh, yes!
It's like BP all over again.
HE CHUCKLES Great. Well, have some, then.
Well, it's not for you, Hugh. It's for the cows.
And why on earth... Whoa!
Why on earth are you feeding them beer?
It keeps them quiet, they're easier to handle and it makes them taste better.
How much of this do they have a day, then? About half a gallon each.
Half a gallon each.
So that's what, half a gallon is four pints, isn't it?
Perfect. It's less than you have!
You give them three or four pints of this stuff
they'd all go and lie down, so they wouldn't be using all their muscles,
get nice and fat, and then they taste better.
Yes, that is part of the theory behind it all.
The ones that have seven or eight, they go and cause trouble in the local village.
I hope they don't start fighting now. They sing songs and they fight.
Farmer Humphries rears his herd of Japanese Black Wagyu cows
to produce sensuous and delectable Kobe-style beef.
It's the most expensive beef in the world.
Is the beer any good?
Would you like to try some? I'd love to try some, yeah.
We've got a glass. We have got a glass.
Go on, have a go.
It actually is rather good. Quite fruity. It's got...
Not as feral as I... Could you suck that bit off?
I haven't got a big enough tongue. I need that tongue there.
Did you know a cow's tongue is pink in the middle on the bottom and black round the edges.
It doesn't surprise me that you know that
because you're fascinated by their eyes.
Not just the eyes, I tell you.
We could have this beer in the pub, yeah.
Monty's beer. If it's good enough for cows, it's good enough for you.
Let's have an UDDER one.
These pampered ladies who lunch on Monty's Sunshine beer
also enjoy a regular massage to their backsides.
It's said to keep the meat juicy and tender.
You'd love to massage one, wouldn't you? I'm hoping to.
Get over there. This is the fella. Can I have a go at that?
Yeah, please do. No, don't go. They've seen you coming. Doesn't like the idea.
I'm just going to... Don't get frightened. Don't...
What is it about me and cows? I think it's cos you're walking like this towards a cow.
If you walk like that towards a cow, they think, one, it's a zombie.
Come to get them. That's the only way to get hold of it! You can't do that towards a cow.
'This looks like a reconstruction from Rural Crimewatch.'
It's just bizarre what he is prepared to do.
# You're just too good to be true
# Can't take my eyes off you
# You'd be like heaven to touch
# I want to hold you so much
# At long last... #
What is he doing?
# And I thank God I'm alive
# You're just too good to be true... #
Oz Clarke, cow whisperer.
# I love you, baby And if it's quite all right
# I need you, baby... #
He's gone down!
He's fallen over!
I think, classically, he will have slipped on a cowpat.
What's happened to you there is exactly what happened to you the last time you were in a theatre -
everyone's run away.
'Just for the sheer amusement, I think Oz deserves the beer for his side of the pub.
'I'm sure the cows won't mind.
'I suppose they might mind about this bit, though.' Ah.
Now, that is fantastic. That's got to be the Wagyu.
That's genuinely fantastic. Isn't that lovely?
Could we have that as a snack in our pub?
Well, the point is...
Will people be prepared to pay £80... Or more. ..for a snack?
It might cos £120 in London. Oh, that'd be fine. A kilo, not for a piece.
You have that on your side of the pub, right?
All right. Well, that... I'll have peanuts for 35p for about 400 peanuts.
That would be... That's more the market I'm aiming at.
Yes, I know. That's fantastic, though. Iechyd da.
Well done. Iechyd da. Iechyd da.
Iechyd da. Iechyd da.
What does it mean?
We're armed with Welsh wine, blackberry stout and Monty's Sunshine bitter.
Now it's back to England with our boozy booty.
There you go, look - border.
England. Quick, stop! Pull in.
No, pull in here. There's something I've got to do, before I leave Wales.
'Could you not have gone before we left? Not that!'
What are you doing?
Just come with me.
What are you doing?
Well, this is the last bit of land in Wales. Yeah.
It's the land of my fathers, so I thought...
The land of a quarter of your fathers.
Yes, all right, then.
I thought I would toast to Wales before we left Wales in Welsh whisky.
Right, here we are. Here's to the land of my fathers.
Splendid, very good to have done. I'm delighted. I'm going back over here now. Where are you going?
We've got to go. Are you going?
Here I am on the first sod of fair English soil.
So, I've got a bottle of English whisky and I'm going to toast my adopted land.
Here's to you, England, in English whisky.
'This single malt comes from the first whisky distillery in England for over 100 years.'
Thank you.
Excellent.
You look like a sort of alcoholic hobbit.
Welsh whisky was possibly the first whisky ever.
They make whisky all over the place.
What do you think the Swiss call their whisky? Swhisky.
Very good. That's exactly what they call it.
See what I have to put up with.
'Pearls before swine.'
Is that a new tradition of yours, that drinking, toasting a country as you're leaving it?
No, it's a brilliant tradition - leave a country, toast it. Arrive in a new one toast it,
I don't understand where the whisky came from. We haven't been to get any.
Yeah, but the thing about Welsh whisky is that it's possibly the original whisky that...
Before Ireland and definitely before Scotland, in about 425, something like that,
a great chieftain called Reaullt Hir, who was..
Have you got a cloth? Just got to do that.
So, from Wales to Herefordshire... ..and onwards to Warwickshire.
Next stop... ..another campsite without a shower.
Oh! Ah!
What's so difficult about... getting some hot water?
I'm looking forward to a really good fry-up.
Black pudding.
Chipolata?
Towel!
Is that it?
Pathetic. Hang on!
Don't look! Don't look. Mind your own business.
You're putting me off my breakfast.
I don't know how you do that.
How can you drink at breakfast?
You're in charge of the breakfast. There's no coffee. Where we going today?
Going to a pork scratchings factory.
'More pork.'
Then why have I cooked this?
Why have you let me cook a fried breakfast...
It's delicious. ..that I rarely have
when I'm going to have pork scratchings for the rest of the day?
And why are we going there anyway?
Because we've got to have some decent bar snacks for our pub and it's nearly opening time.
I'm not sure about this pork scratchings factory.
Pork scratchings... I love a pork scratching,
but I don't necessarily want to see one being made.
What, in case it takes the mystery away from it?
It's like a pork pie, isn't it?
You don't really want to know. Delicious,
but you don't really want to know.
This way guys, after you.
Through here? Yeah, through here.
'But here at Midland Snacks, we get down to the fatty facts
'with pork-scratching zealot Nigel Moore.'
Oh, hello. This is where the process starts.
Frozen - minus 20 degrees - block of quality rind
and this is exactly what we do with it, 550 times a day.
Down the chute.
Would you press the button? And we're starting the production process.
Something quite serious is happening in there.
And we can see the block now being cut.
You can pull the tray out underneath to see the amount of rind.
Look at that! That is massive, isn't it?
That isn't one pork scratching, is it? That's a pork chop.
This is a perfect size for a scratching.
When you actually render the product in the cooking process,
you lose two thirds of that size.
And rendering is what, melting down the fat, is it?
It's just rendering off the...
Well, it's not fat, it's lard. Pure lard.
The bit that we use in terms of this particular product is the top half of the leg, the shank.
We only use that bit - the softest, tenderest part of the pig.
Cos when you think about it, Hugh,
right at the top of your leg there is in fact the softest bit.
Are you aware of the BBC's taste and decency rules?
Yes, I am, I'm doing a very specific simple fact.
The top of you leg, where the sun goeth not,
that is the softest bit.
Just trying to be helpful.
Well, it's nice to see you guys are entering into the spirit of it,
cos I see pork scratchings as one of the sexiest things in the world.
Yeah, I do.
Have you seen someone about this?
No, I'm not taking therapy, that's for sure.
So what happens after?
I'm not sure a therapist that could cope with that! Moving on swiftly...
'to the really sexy deep-fat fryer. Phwoar!'
It's hitting it now with about 170, 180 degrees.
As you can see, it's like a cauldron of hot oil and steam.
And how long do they have to cook for?
Scratchings in this temperature will be there for about an hour and a half.
I bet you can't wait to taste these guys, can you?
Hey? Lovely, lovely!
'Hm... Doesn't turn me on exactly, but it's quite nice.'
Delicious.
Absolutely delicious!
You get quite excited by these, don't you? Absolutely, yeah.
I think you need to go and have a sit down...or a cold shower! I'm not sure which to offer.
Look at this. Just very, very simple flavour, this.
Everyone fights over roast pork on the Sunday lunch.
That's the nearest you can get to a roast-pork crackling from Sunday lunch.
What we do with them on the racks, we move them round into the cooling room
before we then actually go into the next process, which is very important
because it removes nipples, hairs and anything else that's a foreign object in the scratchings.
If you're only buying this bit of the thigh, why are there any nipples in there.
Well, we look for them, just in case.
Now the extremely serious business of quality control.
Take me to your leader. Oh.
Oh, that is gross, isn't it?
Look at that! That is a beauty!
Two gorgeous great bristles.
43% of that is as good for you as olive oil. That makes 57% not good for you.
No, no, another 13% is stearic acid, which is a neutral kind of thing.
So basically for... 40...
56%... Oh, lovely!
That is yeah you could actually be an air hostess or in fact the pilot.
Have you found any bosoms? No, I haven't found any nipples. Not one.
The lovely thing about pork scratchings is when you've had a few
you're actually gagging for your next pint of beer
so it's brilliant for pubs.
I wonder if any other tender piggy titbits would make a tasty pork scratching?
Well, we won't know unless we try.
Pig nipples, look at that. There, look.
Oh, that is deeply unpleasant, isn't it?
No, it's not. Beautiful nipple.
They've got nice meat behind it, there, bit of fat, bit of meat.
It might be a really, really good tasty snack.
'I can't quite believe Oz is doing this.'
Lovely. Put one in for me.
'Believe me, they're both for you.'
Looking forward to it? Yeah, very much.
But what we're doing here is a social service,
cos these are very edible things which cost very little and are going to waste.
You see that? The nipple is self-righting.
'Honestly!' When you turn the nipple upside down to get more crackly, it self-rights.
'The Exorcist was less disturbing than this.'
Now, what do you reckon? I think that is one of the most unpleasant things I've ever seen in my life.
And... I think it looks like one of those...
Is it Stollen cakes the Austrians make?
It looks like a nipple
that's been fried in boiling oil.
'And now for the moment of truth.
'Do I have to? Yes.
'Deep fried pork titbit.'
HUGH CRUNCHES
Bit overcooked.
No, it's about right.
Doesn't taste any different, does it, from another pork scratching?
But I just can't get out of my head the fact that that is a nipple.
We're really not going to use them in our pub,
so what... No, thank you.
So what do you think? What's the conclusion?
I personally would just go for nuts.
'Oh, no, now they're staring at me.
'I'm simply pushing the envelope of taste.'
..In any sense. You can't buy those in a pub.
Now this pub we're going to open, who's going to come?
Uh-oh! There's something we've completely forgotten.
Women. Women! Very good point.
As luck would have it, we're only a few miles away from a brewery
that's holding an all-women's beer tasting.
It's the perfect opportunity to find out exactly what women want from a pub.
We'd better come up with some incisive and penetrating questions.
What do you think women like about pubs and don't like about pubs?
Men and men.
What three drinks would you want every pub to serve?
Beer... No, I'm not asking you.
These are questions for the women.
What is your favourite British tipple?
Probably, when I'm in the mood, really nice draft...
These questions for you. These are questions for the women.
Is that a good question to ask the women?
Yep, that's a very good question.
OK. What's the best chat-up line a bloke can...?
Do you think we ought maybe to...
..find out a bit more about what women like in pubs?
I just asked you! What's the best chat-up line? That's an excellent thing.
The women will really want to have a bloke with a good chat-up line.
They go to pubs the same reason...
What's the worst chat-up line? Just as good. Have both.
It's probably someone coming in and saying something like,
"There's a party going on in my mouth,
"would you like to join in?"
Have you ever said that to someone?
No, I would never have said it.
I've always been terrible at chat-up lines.
At what point do you turn to your partner and say...?
Enough. That would be different for everybody.
That's why I'm asking the question. How do you phrase it?
How many are they allowed to have before they say, "We are going home," pause, "now."
That's how it happens, isn't it? Very good question, that.
What smell do women least like on a man's breath in a pub?
That's a really important question.
'This is a four-year-old microbrewery called Purity.
'They market their prize-winning UBU bitter to young people and women
'so they hold regular female focus groups right here.'
That's slightly darker, yeah.
'So are you ready with our in-depth survey?'
13 questions.
This lot look quite serious.
Looks to me like an UBU cos that looks like the darkest.
I think I'll let you do the talking.
And that looks like Mad Goose to me.
We're travelling round Britain and we're trying to put together
a British pub, aren't we, at the end of it, a best-of-British pub.
It occurred to us... Frightening thought, that is!
It occurred to us that we didn't know anything at all about what women want.
WOMEN LAUGH
It occurred to HIM.
What's your favourite British tipple?
Gin and tonic. Beer!
Gin and tonic. Cider.
Cider!
It's the way forward. Beer is the way forward.
No, it's not! You can't say that in my beer tasting!
She says cider!
This is great, there could be a fight!
What bar snacks would you like?
Nuts. Nuts. 'Nuts! I knew I was right!'
A spoon to go with it. A spoon?!
Did you hear that?
They... This.. In Italy, you have a spoon to spoon your peanuts cos you don't know who's been...
I've never heard a more bizarre non-masculine idea in my life.
No, that is... Yeah. But this is why we're here.
This is because we've now found that women want you to spoon your nuts.
LAUGHTER
What makes a man attractive to a woman in a pub?
Wallet! Beer goggles!
Someone said, "Wallet."
This is all good stuff. It's very good stuff.
What is the worst chat-up line you have ever heard?
If you were a bogey, I'd pick you.
I'm really sorry. I wish I'd never said it.
Fantastic, great.
I'm going to use that
cos it'll get the conversation going, won't it?
Well, I mean that leads to what is the best chat-up line you've ever had on you?
Would you like a drink?
I've spent years of my life trying to find out
what the golden question is and it's, "Would you like a drink?"
Yes. Can I buy you a drink?
Not, "Would you like a drink," but "Can I buy you a drink?"
Simple.
I've been on the wrong track for so long.
It doesn't show.
How many pints is your partner allowed
before you get cross and say "We're going home..."
"..Now!"
Yes!
Four. Five. Five. It depends.
Five? You're my kind of girl.
And do they feel like they are very male places, pubs?
Yes. Yeah, a lot of them.
Yeah. How could you make them more female-friendly?
I'm really up for some real, good, decent food
and some nicer glasses to serve everything in.
Nicer glasses. Yeah, nicer glasses.
Don't you like those big pint glasses? No, they're horrible.
Well, we will see what we can do for you in our... Good.
I hope so. ..in our pub,
so if you come along, you'll see we've taken everything on board.
It's been very, very illuminating and not slightly frightening.
Cheers! On with the drinking!
THEY CHEER
'This beer is very popular with the ladies.
'And that's why I'm having it for my bar. Mm. We'll see.'
Right. That was our last stop.
It's time to open our pub.
# Oh, the weather outside is frightful
# But the fire is so delightful... #
Well, it's almost time to open our pub.
As weather watchers among you can tell,
it's taken Oz a little bit longer than he thought to get round to it.
But it's worth the wait,
because I found the ideal location, slap bang in the middle of Britain.
This isn't the middle of Britain. This is Warwickshire. The middle of Britain is Lancashire or...
If you count the Hebrides and you count Rockall and Gibraltar it's probably somewhere...
off the west coast of Ireland. That's the middle of the sea.
Some people say that Meriden is actually the centre of England.
That's only four miles away from this pub. It's still four miles.
Do you know what? I don't care!
This is a wonderful pub for our competition.
You can stay out here all day talking to yourself.
'The inn that Oz has chosen is this award-winning pub
'in Shustoke, Warwickshire, slap bang in the middle of... well, nowhere.
'Look, the main thing is it's a fantastic local pub, famous for its beer
'and the landlord Michael Pugh is allowing us to take the helm this evening.'
How are you? What a great pub!
So how do you feel about handing over your pub to us?
I've never pulled a pint. Well, it's best if you haven't pulled a pint.
It's best that I show you how to do it properly and it'll be all right.
Why don't I take you to the cellar, show you the cellar? Good idea.
If somebody offers to take you down to the cellar, you need to be slightly wary of them.
Only if they're Austrian. Oh, OK.
MICHAEL LAUGHS
Oz, these are your pulls.
'So, here it is. The field of combat. Our bar.'
Hugh, these are your pulls here.
'But battle begins down below.
'All our beers nicely settled.
'72 firkins of our carefully chosen ales, stouts and lagers.'
You get your... Ohh... Ah!
OZ AND MICHAEL LAUGH
My turn, I'll do this one here.
This is Spitting Feathers from Chester, remember that?
I got stung by a wasp.
'So this honey beer's all mine.'
Thank God I'm wearing my cheap watch!
'Now, the chance to pull my first ever pint.'
That's it.
That's lovely.
My first...
Today? No, my first pulled pint. MICHAEL LAUGHS
'All our drinks are here and we've divided them up between us. Well, almost.'
UBU. Now that was mine, wasn't it?
Why would it be yours? What did you do to deserve it?
What I did to deserve it was I banged a thing into it
and I've got a pipe running to it to my side of the bar.
That goes to my side of the bar.
That's a fait accompli, as they say in French. Pretty much. Damn it.
All right. Well I'll have Lancashire's finest - Mad Monk stout.
Good! See you in a bit. I'm going to go and pump some beer up.
'I don't think so.'
Just all air, but...
It's as though the thing isn't connected at all.
God, I hope I have! Oh, lord.
'What's going on?
'It worked before.'
That is so utterly irresponsible.
He's going to be doing the same stuff to me later on, isn't he?
I just thought I'd get in first.
If he thinks he'll win by getting me in a thoroughly bad temper,
by continually trying to undercut my attempts to run my side of the bar,
he's got another thing coming.
'OK, it was slightly underhand, but with time running out, fiendishly effective.'
If he's going to start cheating all the way through the evening, it'll really spoil things.
Oh, bloody hell!
'Time to show off the bountiful fruits of our summer's labours.'
This is yours, this is mine.
'Possibly the finest collection of British drinks ever assembled under one roof.'
Is this MY bottle of Kilbeggan?
Ginger beer - Weapons Grade.
'With 504 pints of beer...'
Stop it. '..71 pints of cider...
'Eight bottles of mead...'
Well, no, honestly, I'd ask for your help if I didn't think it was worth it.
'..34 bottles of English wine...'
Where's this come from. What? This one.
It's mine.
'..528 shots of spirits...'
I've got English whisky, I've got Welsh whisky and I've got Scotch whisky.
'..148 pints of lager...'
Beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful.
More mead. '..And 160 bottles of mixers.'
Did we get a bottle of Kilbeggan each?
Who's going to buy that then? Look at the label on it.
It's all right. What's it say on it?
Jellyfish. 'And finally, my secret weapon - pork scratchings and local cheeses
'to lure customers to my side of the bar.'
They're wonderful cheeses. These are Warwickshire cheeses, local cheeses.
And these, these are pork pies made by a bloke who actually comes into the pub and drinks in this pub!
He made the pork pies. What's that?
What's what?
It's a quiz machine. A quiz machine in our pub?!
In my pub.
You seriously think people will come to your side of the pub
and you've got some wretched modern machine there?!
What's wrong with a quiz? It's only a quiz.
It's a horrible machine in a lovely old-fashioned pub.
Don't look at me like that.
QUIZ MACHINE BEEPS LOUDLY
'Well, let the skirmish of the snacks begin.
'I know what ladies love.
'Nut cutlery.'
No-one is going to choose your peanuts over my lot.
You're getting very competitive.
I'm taking it seriously.
Are you having a mid-life crisis?
I'm having a mid-evening crisis, mostly caused by you.
What are you doing round there?
That is my side of the bar.
Er, put that...
Right! What is that? No, I've had enough of this.
'From the bar to the back wall of the saloon, the battle line is drawn across the Griffin.'
I know normality, you know, is quite a varied thing,
it's quite a wide thing, isn't it?
But you're definitely on the mad side of it.
Not at all.
My side, your side.
'The landlord here is a real-ale expert and his regulars definitely know their stuff.
'Both bars are full of our choices of the best of British.
'We've got an assistant each.
'It's seven o'clock. And it's opening time.
'Time to raise the bar.
'100 discerning drinkers and two hours to decide which of our bars
'will serve the very best of British.
OK, last chance to make your case.'
Welcome! Welcome to this gladiatorial contest of British drink
and you've got to decide tonight
who has chosen the best of British drinks.
So if you want to try wine from England's most northerly vineyard,
if you want to try Ireland's most exciting pale ale,
if you want to try Somerset's most traditional cider,
if you want to try Wales' most Welsh whisky,
try it here on my side of the bar!
Ladies and gentleman, obviously I can't compete with Henry V here,
but all I would say is, I also have a fantastic selection of locals.
I have a Warwickshire beer here.
On my side of the bar, there is more drink because I haven't drunk quite so much of it myself.
So, em, shall we commence?
Let the competition start!
CROWD CHEERS
Have to give you that in whatever your...
'Each customer has enough tokens for plenty of drinks from each of the bars.
'And he who collects the most tokens in the next two hours, wins.'
Galway Hooker, Irish pale ale, you'll love it. Go on.
'Now, Oz may be in his element, but that could be his undoing.'
There's one farm in Norfolk,
which has got 17 different brewers buying its barley,
making 50 different beers from different bits of the fields.
'While he's chatting up customers,
'I'm chalking up the orders.'
Hugh's got great beers I really like on the bar,
but then Oz is such a charmer and was telling us a bit more about the stories of the drinks.
Taking the time to have a bit of banter, a bit of a chat, even tasting customer's wine
when they weren't going for beer, he'd try the wine and give his opinion on whether it was good.
I can give you a sparkling wine, yeah.
Brilliant. 'That's the Nyetimber.'
Two Honey Traps at the end there. Look at that. Two UBU.
Oz's wines proved too sickly so I've gone to Hugh's bar.
I'm now enjoying the Innis & Gunn which will see me off nicely
and Hugh's bar in my mind at the moment is winning.
Here we go and...
'So who is making the early running?'
It's actually rather good. Fantastic, that's 50!
And 48 of them have been UBU.
I think Hugh's got the most popular beer, single beer.
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, out of the way.
'He's ahead and he's still cheating.'
Stop it, stop it!
Cheers! Cheers!
I think I might start again on that one.
'I'm struggling, let's try the Cornish flavoured beers. They're mine!'
No blueberries in this,
but there's oysters in it and there's a little bit of ginger.
I've got one of Oz's and he can't pour a pint, but the beer's good.
I tried the jellyfish cos I was told there's lumps in it,
and that was good enough to try, so now I'm trying the offal.
So far so good, I haven't found any lumps yet.
Pork scratchings, absolutely gone, people really do like proper snacks.
No-one has even looked at the spoons in my nuts.
But that can come later. There's plenty of time.
Don't wince, Hugh. Next time.
Look at that, you see that. I know it's perfect.
Fantastic. But in a way it makes me look very, very impressive.
Hugh might just have the edge, to be fair.
He's the better-looking one.
We've run out of Ampleforth cider now. Jellyfish.
And we're about to run out of Nyetimber.
'Now for my home-brew.'
Home-brew, yes.
Brewed by a schoolboy in his bedroom. His dad didn't know, but it was really good.
I think we've discovered a genius in the making.
Thank you.
Roger Wilkins. Do you want a double or do you want a single? (Double.)
Second most popular drink now is gin and tonic,
so I've sent Olly to steal all the tonic from Oz's fridge
and Oz hasn't noticed yet.
'Ah, but two can play at that game.'
So far I've not had a single person asking for spirits.
No, we've had a gin. Have we? We've had a gin. We don't have any gin!
I may have stolen it, I stole it.
You stole...? Oh, Rebecca a girl after Hugh Dennis' own heart!
That's my beer. That's MY beer!
We gave you, um... No, that's my beer.
That's two! No, that's two, that's two.
That's my beer. One, under one.
Have one back. Thank you very much.
Thank you. The Welsh whisky comes from a Madeira barrel
so that's why you've got extra colour in it.
Look at the difference in colour. Yeah.
So that gives you a little bit more colour. OK.
And that's in a rum cask so that's going to be
rummy beer and that's whisky-ee-ee beer.
Yeah, do you fancy that?
I'm getting a tremendous feeling that people love real beers.
It's a little more difficult to persuade them to other stuff,
but I try one person on the English whisky
and four or five other people tried it and wanted some of that.
A couple of people have gone mad on the Wilkins Cider.
They're liking the stuff which tastes of somewhere.
Meantime London lager, Saltaire,
Purity that I know of,
Innis & Gunn rum-cask beer and whisky beer. Incredible.
Who's the name of the famous...?
'Yes, but I know what women want.
'They like my quiz machine and this lady
'is fascinated by my patented peanut provider.'
Nuts with a spoon, so you don't have to use your hands, and no-one's been to the loo and you know...
They're spooning the nuts.
That shows the British populace can be persuaded to do anything,
however bonkers it is. They'll spoon their nuts.
Last orders, ten minutes to go.
Come on, get these drinks in.
That's four Mad Monks I've served already.
'The final straight and still all to play for.'
Two Honey Traps at the end, two more of these spikes,
straight through Hugh Dennis where it really hurts.
What would you like, madam?
Have some home-brew, who wants some home-brew?
Who wants home-brew?
'That's the last of my Mount Pleasant wine from Morecambe Bay.'
You got a glass or not?
Seems quite close actually between them both,
so I wouldn't like to call it.
Hugh seemed to have a good start,
but Oz seems to be coming back so I don't know.
I'll say Hugh cos I've spent most time down that end of the bar.
All right, it's knackering, isn't it? Stop drinking now.
We're going to count the tickets now.
Give us ten minutes and we'll let you know the score, all right.
I think he would be a very good manager for a large global multinational bar chain
and I would be a better landlord of a village pub,
but that may mean that he ends up, you know, selling more drink than I do tonight.
You're preparing yourself for defeat. No, I'm not.
I'm actually saying... I don't think you will lose.
What it takes to be a good landlord, you've got to talk to people, become their friends in the bar.
I've been talking, I just haven't been lecturing.
'Oz will win. He's very knowledgeable about what he's selling -'
the wine, the beers - and he's got a very attractive barmaid assisting him.
He's going to win no problem.
Possibly Hugh, purely because I've seen tons of beers
that I've heard about and not tried on his side of the bar.
Ah, Oz will win this easy.
Cheers, mate. Well done.
I reckon that was really close. It was really good as well.
Quiet, quiet. Come on. THEY CHEER
Quiet!
OK, I've got the results.
I've counted them twice.
Here we go then.
Hugh, 384. Not bad!
Ozzie...
394.
CHEERING
Thank you.
10 in 394. That's 2%.
It's not bad, is it? It's 2%.
I'm entirely relaxed about the result, but I want a recount!
'And with that, I rest my case.'
That is the most ridiculous summer I have ever had.
You don't mean that. You don't. Don't I?
You really don't. It's the most wonderful summer you've had.
Fantastic, yeah. But bizarre.
It is bizarre, but isn't it good?
And there's a photographic record of it.
I can't get away with it at all!
I can't pretend I was doing anything else.
It's time to call time on our great adventure.
In a way, I've been far more British than you, I think.
Why? By losing.
By losing elegantly.
No, you've been losing with ill-grace and complaining... In fact, you've...
You're a whinging Pom, rather than a British person.
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