1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:09,920 'Hugh Dennis and I have spent the summer on an epic tour in search of independent British drinks.' 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,360 Isn't that rewarding. It's very rewarding. 3 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:14,480 This is absolutely tremendous. 4 00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:18,560 'We've taken our camper south and north.' 5 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,720 Could sell that to Dyno Rod or something. 6 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:23,000 'To Scotland and Ireland.' 7 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:26,200 There are various other holes that I could put this stuff in. 8 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:30,720 'Now it's nearly time to open our pub for one night only. 9 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:33,360 'And take each other on with rival bars.' 10 00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:36,240 You're being very competitive. Taking it seriously. 11 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:40,600 'We've assembled some of the most irresistible drinks Britain has to offer. 12 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:45,800 'Some of the finest spirits.' Come on in, this is where the magic happens. Cor! 13 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:49,840 'Award-winning Sussex fizz.' 14 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:55,720 'Ginger beer that packs a priestly punch.' 15 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,960 That is powerful stuff. 16 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:04,560 'And scrumptious cider from the West Country.' I used to drink about 20 pints one time a day. 17 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:08,120 'With the clash of the taverns just around the corner, 18 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:11,040 'we need to gather the last of our drinks and bar snacks.' 19 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:12,760 Now, that is fantastic. 20 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,160 Iechyd da. Iechyd da. 21 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,480 I see pork scratchings as one of the sexiest things in the world. 22 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:21,280 'And learn about what our customers really want - both men...' 23 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:23,760 THEY SHOUT 24 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:26,000 '..and women.' 25 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,240 We've now found that women want you to spoon your nuts. 26 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:35,120 'And finally, we pit my taste against Hugh's in a climactic battle of the bars.' 27 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,040 Another sparkling wine? Home-brew? 28 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:39,280 And that's whiskey-ey beer. 29 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:43,320 'If we get it right, there'll be a pub full of winners.' 30 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:46,240 Cheers, mate. Well done. I reckon that was close. 31 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,320 'And just one loser.' 32 00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:50,560 CHEERING 33 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:05,000 We've already amassed a wild and wonderful collection of British drinks, 34 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,400 but what we haven't got is any pub know-how. 35 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:13,160 And I think the answer to that 36 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:15,400 might be to go to a pub. 37 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:18,560 We haven't been going to enough pubs? We need to go a pub! 38 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:26,720 Well, I've heard there's a fantastic pub in a quaint Herefordshire village. 39 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,160 What, a friendly local? 40 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,760 Of course. The whole place is full of them. 41 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:35,040 Ah, here it is. 42 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:43,000 This is one of the last examples of what pubs used to be like hundreds of years ago. 43 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:47,600 There's no bar, there's no counter, there's nothing, it's called a lounge inn. 44 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:49,480 They were called parlour inns. 45 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:55,480 'This a public house that really is just that...' Well, that must be where we get a drink. 46 00:02:55,480 --> 00:03:00,560 'A public house.' Well, you've all got drinks, where do we get drinks? Who do we ask? 47 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:06,120 One of the last remaining parlour inns, The Sun has been run just like this for over 200 years. 48 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:09,800 Today, it's a piece of living history. 49 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,640 You're the bloke that'll give us a drink? That's right. 50 00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:16,400 'I'd say Oz is pretty keen on a drink, but where is it?' Ah, barrels. 51 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:22,160 'Of course, it's a house, in the kitchen.' This is the way that beer is at its best, 52 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:26,040 stored like this and just served from the barrel. 53 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:29,760 If you haven't got a bar, how do you take the money? 54 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:33,760 Well, he hasn't yet because you've not paid him. 55 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:37,120 There's not a lot of money, actually. £4.40. 56 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:42,240 It's in there. Where? There's the honesty box in there, the notes and the coins are there. 57 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:43,920 In here? Yep. 58 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:46,560 And to be honest, you've been privileged tonight. 59 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:50,560 I've served you, when a lot of the regulars have to serve themselves. 60 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:54,040 'They also do some very tasty-looking pub grub.' 61 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:56,240 What have we got? Squirrel. 62 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:58,040 Squirrel. Fantastic. 63 00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:02,080 Do you go round the A44 in the morning and picking them all off the road at 6.30? 64 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:03,800 No, no, they've been trapped. 65 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:07,480 They got hit by something! They're not roadkill, anyway. 66 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:10,120 They would have been if we'd been around. 67 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:16,000 'Actually, squirrel is very low in fat, high in iron, with tons of vitamin B12.' 68 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,840 It's a bit like chicken, isn't it? 69 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:22,920 Bit like rabbit. It's like a furry chicken that climbs trees. 70 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,440 With a big tail. Does it go well with your bitter? 71 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,400 It's quite bony, isn't it? 72 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:31,280 There's a lot of bones, Does it go well with my bitter? 73 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:33,880 Yeah, it does. I wondered when you'd answer! 74 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:37,840 I'm getting used to this - I ask him a question, two days later, he answers. 75 00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:41,760 I'd better try one of these to see what it's like. Excuse me. 76 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:43,800 See if it goes with the squirrel. 77 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:45,560 You'd find out fairly quickly. 78 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,120 I'm finding it a bit difficult to get... Is it good? 79 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:52,600 Who put that hair in my glass? 80 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:56,400 Come on... Well, it certainly wasn't you. 81 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,840 ALL: Oooh! 82 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,480 LAUGHTER 83 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:04,800 'Uh-oh, looks like Hiawatha's turned up.' Am I allowed to ask, 84 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:08,840 it's one thing eating a squirrel, but you appear to be wearing a squirrel... 85 00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:13,640 No, this is the mayoral regalia, mark two. Of what? 86 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:16,880 'Mayoral regalia? What IS he talking about?' 87 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,520 But mayoral what? 88 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,600 The pub, The Sun Inn. The pub has a mayor? 89 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:23,320 The pub has a mayor. And you are the mayor of the pub. 90 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:28,720 I am, I have been democratically or arbitrarily chosen. By yourself? 91 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:32,360 No, by the good lady on the side, to be this year's mayor. 92 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,400 Democratically chosen by this lady? 93 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:38,120 Yes. What about everybody else? With everybody else's full agreement! 94 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:43,160 That's not democratic. What power do you have over this gathering? 95 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:47,800 I was the mayor last year. The mayor last year... You can arbitrarily choose him. 96 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,400 Where is your office? 97 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:52,880 You're in it. You're in the office! 98 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:57,360 'Did you ever see the Wicker Man? Yes. What if they turn on us. 99 00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:01,240 'Make us mayor for the night or something.' 100 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:06,680 I think the great thing for me about this is that it hasn't involved any loss of dignity at all. 101 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:08,720 LAUGHTER 102 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,440 Nothing! 103 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:16,040 I will now give you a speech at one word each. Thank you. 104 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,080 Very. Much. 105 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:21,000 CHEERING 106 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:24,440 Tell me, why doesn't the name of your village appear on the map? 107 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:30,680 'Lost in the Herefordshire triangle.' The thing to do is just to...just to back out slowly. 108 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,880 Back out slowly. 109 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,160 How about a pagan ritual for our pub? 110 00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,560 What, like human sacrifice on a full moon? 111 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:42,200 Well, we are going to need some bar snacks. 112 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:46,680 HARMONIOUS SINGING 113 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:56,240 'And so, to the final country in our grand tour of the United Kingdom.' 114 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:59,200 There you go, Oz - Wales. 115 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:01,880 It's lovely. 116 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,600 I bet you they put a male voice choir over this bit. 117 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:11,280 SINGING CONTINUES 118 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:13,640 I hate it when they do that. 119 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:21,360 'It's very beautiful. What have you got lined up for us? 120 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:24,040 'When the Queen and Prince Philip were here last, 121 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,680 'they bought some of the local blackberry stout. 122 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:30,600 'If it's good enough for royalty, I reckon it's good enough for our pub. 123 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,040 'So you are taking me to another brewery?!' 124 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:37,760 I don't know why you always complain about breweries. In Ireland you never even got there. 125 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:41,000 Perfectly good breweries set up, you like drinking beer, 126 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:45,000 and yet you don't seem to want to make the effort to go and see how it's made. 127 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,080 I've been to every brewery in Britain. You have not. 128 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:50,320 I have. You've hardly been to any at all. 129 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:53,960 She's a female brewer. She'll make us do stuff. I've done everything. 130 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,000 She does everything herself. 131 00:07:56,000 --> 00:08:00,760 She won't even let her family touch any of the brewing, 132 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,520 so don't worry, you won't have to do anything at all. 133 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:06,360 You'll just have to sit there and drink the beer. 134 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:12,600 The two-year-old Waen Brewery in Powys, is run by the Sue the Brew. It's already winning awards. 135 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:16,320 Hi. Hi, Sue. 136 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,560 Hello. Hiya, I'm Hugh, you're Sue. 137 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:21,400 Hi, Hugh. I am, nice to meet you, Hugh. This is it. 138 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:25,640 This is it. This is... The lot, all in one tiny place. ..our brewery. Absolutely. 139 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,280 So this is our grain. Have a go at that. 140 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:32,520 This is what we use in our blackberry stout. Blackberry stout? 141 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:36,800 Fantastic. It works really well. And you do everything yourself. 142 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:39,240 Everything, except for driving the van. 143 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:41,080 But all the brewing is done by you? 144 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:45,120 All the brewing I do myself. Yeah, absolutely everything. Told you so. 145 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,680 Yeah. So nothing we can do at all? 146 00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:53,160 If you're really wanting to help, there are some blackberries that need picking for this brew, 147 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:56,920 so you're more than welcome to do some of that for me, if you like. 148 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,720 Why did you ask? 149 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:07,000 Why did you...ask? 150 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:15,600 You said you were fed up with breweries. 151 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:20,480 Is a blackberry stout going to work in the bar? 152 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:24,160 Yeah, it's a good idea, cos basically, stout's nice and dark, 153 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:27,880 blackberries are dark and...stout's sometimes rather dry, and so... 154 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:31,600 The fruit mixes with... That sweet blackberry fruit would be good. 155 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,360 Are we going to try it, then? 156 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:36,000 Yeah. If we like it, we'll have it. 157 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:40,080 This time of year, by the way, they get bitten by a certain sort of fly 158 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,800 which leaves a sourness in them - 159 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,600 the ones that have got flies on them, don't pick those. 160 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:48,240 It's called the devil's bite. 161 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:51,160 Have you ever been employed by an insomniac? 162 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:52,760 Fly on the wall. 163 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,000 Come on, that's enough. 164 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,480 There is more there. Don't care. 165 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:05,120 Can Stanley Matthews beat... 166 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:06,760 Peter Shilton? 167 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:10,760 Calm down. 168 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:12,440 Oh, God. Now I'm in trouble! 169 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,640 OZ LAUGHS 170 00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:29,200 Mission accomplished. Excellent. 171 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:30,760 Just. 172 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:34,680 You're going to like those. Excellent. We threw a lot of them at each other. 173 00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:37,280 I'm sorry. But we kept the best ones for you. 174 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:42,240 Fantastic, thank you. So I guess I need to give you something in return here now, guys. 175 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:48,680 Well, a drink would be nice. Right, you're going to sample some of your lovely blackberry stout here. 176 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:50,440 Now, that looks tremendous. 177 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,080 There you go. 178 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:56,960 It's dark, rich. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you very much. 179 00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:00,160 Lovely sort of cappuccino-y kind of smell. 180 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,920 And yet, just a bit sweeter. 181 00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:05,960 Mm. 182 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,480 It's very good. 183 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:15,160 Can I taste the blackberries? What I get is bitterness rather than blackberries, and it's so reassuring 184 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:18,680 as too many modern stouts and porters haven't got any bitterness. 185 00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:23,040 The blackberries you just get on the finish, it just gives a tartness to the finish. 186 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:29,080 Also with very slight fresh... glimmer of sweetness. Well, this is very good. 187 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:33,520 I wasn't that keen on going to another brewery cos I've been to 7...how many is it? 188 00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:36,520 700... 713. But I'm very, very glad I came. 189 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:39,000 Good. Glad to hear it. 190 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,120 Iechyd da. Iechyd da. Iechyd da. Slainte. 191 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,280 Iechyd da. Slainte for... 192 00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:49,680 Slainte.... Slainte mhath. 1800 TDI. Thank you very much. 193 00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,800 Cheers. 194 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:59,400 Right, we've got a pub to open and Sue's stout is still up for grabs. 195 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:03,000 I liked it. I didn't taste many blackberries in it, to be honest. 196 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,920 But we didn't pick many blackberries. 197 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,320 Anyway, who's going to get it for the pub? 198 00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:11,720 I'll toss you for it. 199 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:13,920 No, I won't, I'll rephrase that. 200 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:20,840 Without going into details, Hugh won the toss and chose the Welsh stout for his side of the pub. 201 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:29,480 Our next destination is that most traditional of Welsh beer-drinking institutions, the rugby club. 202 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,240 But it seems the times might be a-changin'... 203 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:36,440 By 2039, more Welsh men in pubs 204 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,600 will drink wine than beer, apparently. 205 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:42,160 Welshmen in pubs will drink more wine than beer? 206 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:44,200 Well, according to this. Brilliant. 207 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:48,440 We're going to the rugby club, we'll ask them. 208 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,720 You...YOU can ask them! 209 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,920 Have we got life insurance? Have we? 210 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:55,760 We'll offer them some Welsh wine. 211 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:59,600 Sugarloaf Blush is a medium dry rose with delicious strawberry flavours. 212 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,600 Sounds masculine. 213 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,720 I bet we can change some age-old habits. Doubtful. 214 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,560 He can't even use his arms. 215 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,840 They're enormous. Are you frightened? 216 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:13,440 I'm more frightened for you cos I know I can run a lot faster than you. Come on. 217 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:19,360 If I'm right... ..and we don't end up tethered to a lamppost with no trousers... 218 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:22,600 ..we'll have the Welsh wine for our pub. 219 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:28,080 We've got a survey to show that Welsh men will shortly prefer wine to beer. 220 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:31,880 Give you some nice, pink blush and see what you think. 221 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:37,040 We haven't got a hope. It's all right, yeah. 222 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:40,560 Will you let me take away your lager and give you a glass of wine? 223 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:43,520 Not a chance. 224 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:47,360 'It's not over yet. Drinking behaviour IS changing. 225 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,400 'Yep, from beer to alcopops.' 226 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:59,520 'So, what will the younger generation make of our Sugarloaf wine?' Are you sure that's Welsh? 227 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:03,840 'Ah, there's a palette ripe for education.' First we'll taste it. 228 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:09,400 Right, who else? What about..? Look at that, that's what I call enthusiasm. Enthusiasm. 229 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,720 So it seems to me on this table of rugby players... 230 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:15,960 And he's looking all coy, what is that about? 231 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,720 Do you prefer wine to beer? 232 00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:23,880 I love wine. In the general occasions, yes, I can see you love it by the way you knock it back. 233 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:26,760 'Yep. Right idea, wrong glass. 234 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,880 'Well, it's not big and it's not clever. 235 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,720 'Are you going to tell him? I'm not going to tell him. 236 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:40,360 'Hang on, isn't that the wine for our pub? It was.' 237 00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:43,200 It wasn't really very delicate wine drinking. 238 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,680 It could have been the fact that it was free, 239 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:49,600 but I think they thought it was... they genuinely thought it tasted good. 240 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:53,960 I think for the pub it's made me think that we've probably got to have some wine on. 241 00:14:53,960 --> 00:15:01,120 If there are more men who drink wine by 2039, the country's going to have an enormous alcohol problem. 242 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:03,320 'It's going to run out of wine for a start.' 243 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:09,040 Well, that was fantastic and I couldn't have been more wrong. 244 00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:11,480 I could not have been more wrong. 245 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:17,560 Unbelievable, look at them. All those great big rugby lads, all say, "We drink wine." 246 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:22,320 What did I tell you? Yeah, every single one of them drank wine. One of them drank a pint of wine. 247 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:25,680 In about 12 seconds. Unbelievable! 248 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:28,920 THEY SING There'll be two hours more of this. There will. 249 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:33,160 I don't want to leave. No, those lyrics are a bit dodgy. I want to go and learn some. 250 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:40,560 That's my favourite bit about rugby, all those bawdy songs they sing. 251 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:43,360 Yes, but they wouldn't be allowed on television. 252 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:47,120 I could always change the words. 253 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,880 Maybe if I just lie here like Lenin. 254 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:55,920 'Twas on the good ship Venus By Christ you should have seen us The figurehead was... 255 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,520 Oh, can't say that. 256 00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:01,040 The cabin boy's name was Ripper He was a foul-mouthed little nipper. 257 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:04,120 We're doing well... No, we're not. No, we're not. 258 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:08,640 The cook's name was Bilkie His hands were soft and silky 259 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:13,600 He worked all night by candlelight To keep the porridge milky. 260 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:19,720 And when we reached our station Through skilful navigation 261 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:23,360 The ship got sunk in a wave of... No, no, no, no. 262 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,320 So, what makes the porridge milky? 263 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,760 Up at the crack of lunchtime. 264 00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:33,560 Well, I am! 265 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,600 And with another tasty recipe up my sleeve. 266 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:38,560 The one the rain denied us in Ireland. 267 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:46,760 Carefully check your chief ingredient, then shove the rest up your bird. 268 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:55,840 Yes, I'm cooking a classic Sunday roast. 269 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:58,080 Beer butt chicken. 270 00:16:58,080 --> 00:16:59,760 Oz'll love that. 271 00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:05,840 Just cook at a medium heat for about two hours for the perfect Sunday lunch. 272 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:14,800 So lunch is under way, Oz is awake and this campsite even has a luxury latrine. 273 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:20,400 Happy days! What are you doing? I'm on an archaeological dig. In my washbag? 274 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:24,680 There are a couple of things. You'll know them when you find them. 275 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:30,800 Don't take them out. 'So, what does the world's finest palate regard as wash time essentials.' Corkscrew. 276 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,840 Why have you got a corkscrew in your sponge bag? 277 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:39,160 Viagra. Stop it. 278 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:42,400 Germoloids. 279 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,920 Yeah, if you're going to have a curry. Yeah. 280 00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:47,360 HUGH CHUCKLES 281 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:49,440 Well, that is fantastic. 282 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:55,600 Helena Rubinstein eye sculptor. What is wrong with that? 283 00:17:55,600 --> 00:18:01,280 Well, one, there isn't anything in it which, means you've actually used most of it, haven't you? 284 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,080 Yes. You've used Helena Rubinstein eye sculptor. 285 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:07,080 And you haven't even noticed! 286 00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,760 What's it do? It sculpts your eyes. 287 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:13,080 To look like what. Fathead! 288 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:17,480 What's it for? It's to look marginally better in the morning. 289 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:21,760 That's been incredibly instructive. Thank you very much. 290 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,440 # What a day 291 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,480 # For a daydream 292 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:32,320 # What a day for a daydreaming boy... # 293 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:35,360 Is it ready yet? No. 294 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:38,840 Is it ready yet? 295 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:40,560 Yes. 296 00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:45,800 You'll like this. 297 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:48,360 Oh, look at that! 298 00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:50,840 Look at that! 299 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:55,720 It's dripping beer. 'I'm very worried about the new me.' 300 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:59,400 And there's still some beer in the can. Look at that! 301 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:03,240 It's an old recipe. Leg or breast, sir? 302 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:05,280 I'd like whatever bit won't kill me. 303 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:07,720 Well, I think it'll all be fine, look. 304 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:14,400 I think this is... You've rediscovered the ancient art of Peking crispy chicken. 305 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:18,800 It smells like beer, but not beer as we know it. 306 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:22,920 It smells like beer that's probably been drunk before. 307 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,040 Shall I tell you what that tastes of? What. 308 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,680 Quite dry chicken. 309 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,120 Well... 310 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:42,800 Well... 311 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:46,680 That's...all it needed, really. 312 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:50,840 That beer makes a really good gravy. I think you've discovered something. 313 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:54,800 I'm glad we put the table here, because this is perfect. 314 00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:01,920 Why did...? Did you put...? You can't blame me! 315 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:07,480 Now, before we leave Wales, I want you to introduce you to a really good Welsh bitter. 316 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:11,200 In a field? Yes. 317 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:15,360 Monty's Sunshine beer is a golden, hoppy and floral bitter 318 00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:18,200 recently voted one of the top ten real ales in the UK. 319 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,600 It's very popular with the locals round here. 320 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,640 ..means the white... Oh, yes! 321 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,320 It's like BP all over again. 322 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:31,280 HE CHUCKLES Great. Well, have some, then. 323 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:34,600 Well, it's not for you, Hugh. It's for the cows. 324 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,400 And why on earth... Whoa! 325 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,400 Why on earth are you feeding them beer? 326 00:20:56,400 --> 00:21:00,680 It keeps them quiet, they're easier to handle and it makes them taste better. 327 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:04,800 How much of this do they have a day, then? About half a gallon each. 328 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,560 Half a gallon each. 329 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,400 So that's what, half a gallon is four pints, isn't it? 330 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,400 Perfect. It's less than you have! 331 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,440 You give them three or four pints of this stuff 332 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:18,880 they'd all go and lie down, so they wouldn't be using all their muscles, 333 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:22,000 get nice and fat, and then they taste better. 334 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:24,760 Yes, that is part of the theory behind it all. 335 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:29,000 The ones that have seven or eight, they go and cause trouble in the local village. 336 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:32,560 I hope they don't start fighting now. They sing songs and they fight. 337 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:36,000 Farmer Humphries rears his herd of Japanese Black Wagyu cows 338 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:39,240 to produce sensuous and delectable Kobe-style beef. 339 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:42,880 It's the most expensive beef in the world. 340 00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:45,160 Is the beer any good? 341 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,960 Would you like to try some? I'd love to try some, yeah. 342 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:52,160 We've got a glass. We have got a glass. 343 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:53,640 Go on, have a go. 344 00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:00,200 It actually is rather good. Quite fruity. It's got... 345 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,800 Not as feral as I... Could you suck that bit off? 346 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:06,040 I haven't got a big enough tongue. I need that tongue there. 347 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:10,720 Did you know a cow's tongue is pink in the middle on the bottom and black round the edges. 348 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:13,160 It doesn't surprise me that you know that 349 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:16,120 because you're fascinated by their eyes. 350 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,040 Not just the eyes, I tell you. 351 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:20,480 We could have this beer in the pub, yeah. 352 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:24,720 Monty's beer. If it's good enough for cows, it's good enough for you. 353 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,400 Let's have an UDDER one. 354 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:32,920 These pampered ladies who lunch on Monty's Sunshine beer 355 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:36,120 also enjoy a regular massage to their backsides. 356 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:39,160 It's said to keep the meat juicy and tender. 357 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:42,280 You'd love to massage one, wouldn't you? I'm hoping to. 358 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:45,600 Get over there. This is the fella. Can I have a go at that? 359 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:50,120 Yeah, please do. No, don't go. They've seen you coming. Doesn't like the idea. 360 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:55,840 I'm just going to... Don't get frightened. Don't... 361 00:22:55,840 --> 00:23:00,600 What is it about me and cows? I think it's cos you're walking like this towards a cow. 362 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:04,920 If you walk like that towards a cow, they think, one, it's a zombie. 363 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:09,840 Come to get them. That's the only way to get hold of it! You can't do that towards a cow. 364 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:13,920 'This looks like a reconstruction from Rural Crimewatch.' 365 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:18,320 It's just bizarre what he is prepared to do. 366 00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:22,200 # You're just too good to be true 367 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:26,000 # Can't take my eyes off you 368 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:29,120 # You'd be like heaven to touch 369 00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:33,640 # I want to hold you so much 370 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,000 # At long last... # 371 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,440 What is he doing? 372 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:42,000 # And I thank God I'm alive 373 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:45,160 # You're just too good to be true... # 374 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:48,640 Oz Clarke, cow whisperer. 375 00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:52,680 # I love you, baby And if it's quite all right 376 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:55,960 # I need you, baby... # 377 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,520 He's gone down! 378 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:00,160 He's fallen over! 379 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:06,520 I think, classically, he will have slipped on a cowpat. 380 00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:11,760 What's happened to you there is exactly what happened to you the last time you were in a theatre - 381 00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:13,280 everyone's run away. 382 00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:18,400 'Just for the sheer amusement, I think Oz deserves the beer for his side of the pub. 383 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:21,120 'I'm sure the cows won't mind. 384 00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:27,840 'I suppose they might mind about this bit, though.' Ah. 385 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,880 Now, that is fantastic. That's got to be the Wagyu. 386 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,880 That's genuinely fantastic. Isn't that lovely? 387 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,560 Could we have that as a snack in our pub? 388 00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:38,800 Well, the point is... 389 00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:42,480 Will people be prepared to pay £80... Or more. ..for a snack? 390 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:46,320 It might cos £120 in London. Oh, that'd be fine. A kilo, not for a piece. 391 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:49,640 You have that on your side of the pub, right? 392 00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:54,240 All right. Well, that... I'll have peanuts for 35p for about 400 peanuts. 393 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,120 That would be... That's more the market I'm aiming at. 394 00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:00,080 Yes, I know. That's fantastic, though. Iechyd da. 395 00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:02,120 Well done. Iechyd da. Iechyd da. 396 00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:03,960 Iechyd da. Iechyd da. 397 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:05,760 What does it mean? 398 00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:14,080 We're armed with Welsh wine, blackberry stout and Monty's Sunshine bitter. 399 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:17,080 Now it's back to England with our boozy booty. 400 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:22,040 There you go, look - border. 401 00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:25,240 England. Quick, stop! Pull in. 402 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:30,360 No, pull in here. There's something I've got to do, before I leave Wales. 403 00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:34,760 'Could you not have gone before we left? Not that!' 404 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:37,880 What are you doing? 405 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:39,320 Just come with me. 406 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:43,200 What are you doing? 407 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:45,920 Well, this is the last bit of land in Wales. Yeah. 408 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:48,240 It's the land of my fathers, so I thought... 409 00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,200 The land of a quarter of your fathers. 410 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:51,840 Yes, all right, then. 411 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:58,480 I thought I would toast to Wales before we left Wales in Welsh whisky. 412 00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,480 Right, here we are. Here's to the land of my fathers. 413 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:10,680 Splendid, very good to have done. I'm delighted. I'm going back over here now. Where are you going? 414 00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:12,800 We've got to go. Are you going? 415 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:18,840 Here I am on the first sod of fair English soil. 416 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:28,680 So, I've got a bottle of English whisky and I'm going to toast my adopted land. 417 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:32,560 Here's to you, England, in English whisky. 418 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:38,440 'This single malt comes from the first whisky distillery in England for over 100 years.' 419 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:41,120 Thank you. 420 00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:42,800 Excellent. 421 00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,160 You look like a sort of alcoholic hobbit. 422 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,920 Welsh whisky was possibly the first whisky ever. 423 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:49,840 They make whisky all over the place. 424 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:53,360 What do you think the Swiss call their whisky? Swhisky. 425 00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:55,960 Very good. That's exactly what they call it. 426 00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:58,520 See what I have to put up with. 427 00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:01,160 'Pearls before swine.' 428 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:22,560 Is that a new tradition of yours, that drinking, toasting a country as you're leaving it? 429 00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:28,080 No, it's a brilliant tradition - leave a country, toast it. Arrive in a new one toast it, 430 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:32,280 I don't understand where the whisky came from. We haven't been to get any. 431 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:37,960 Yeah, but the thing about Welsh whisky is that it's possibly the original whisky that... 432 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:42,640 Before Ireland and definitely before Scotland, in about 425, something like that, 433 00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:46,680 a great chieftain called Reaullt Hir, who was.. 434 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:51,160 Have you got a cloth? Just got to do that. 435 00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:55,840 So, from Wales to Herefordshire... ..and onwards to Warwickshire. 436 00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:59,840 Next stop... ..another campsite without a shower. 437 00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:07,200 Oh! Ah! 438 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:11,280 What's so difficult about... getting some hot water? 439 00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:14,200 I'm looking forward to a really good fry-up. 440 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:16,200 Black pudding. 441 00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:17,720 Chipolata? 442 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:19,200 Towel! 443 00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:27,200 Is that it? 444 00:28:29,120 --> 00:28:30,720 Is that it? 445 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:32,880 Pathetic. Hang on! 446 00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:37,760 Don't look! Don't look. Mind your own business. 447 00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:39,600 You're putting me off my breakfast. 448 00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:45,360 I don't know how you do that. 449 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:48,920 How can you drink at breakfast? 450 00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:53,320 You're in charge of the breakfast. There's no coffee. Where we going today? 451 00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:55,880 Going to a pork scratchings factory. 452 00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:58,160 'More pork.' 453 00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,040 Then why have I cooked this? 454 00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:02,440 Why have you let me cook a fried breakfast... 455 00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:04,440 It's delicious. ..that I rarely have 456 00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:07,560 when I'm going to have pork scratchings for the rest of the day? 457 00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:10,200 And why are we going there anyway? 458 00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:16,680 Because we've got to have some decent bar snacks for our pub and it's nearly opening time. 459 00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:19,320 I'm not sure about this pork scratchings factory. 460 00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:22,520 Pork scratchings... I love a pork scratching, 461 00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,640 but I don't necessarily want to see one being made. 462 00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:28,360 What, in case it takes the mystery away from it? 463 00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:30,880 It's like a pork pie, isn't it? 464 00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:33,400 You don't really want to know. Delicious, 465 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:35,520 but you don't really want to know. 466 00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:38,600 This way guys, after you. 467 00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:40,440 Through here? Yeah, through here. 468 00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:44,080 'But here at Midland Snacks, we get down to the fatty facts 469 00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:47,000 'with pork-scratching zealot Nigel Moore.' 470 00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:51,000 Oh, hello. This is where the process starts. 471 00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:56,280 Frozen - minus 20 degrees - block of quality rind 472 00:29:56,280 --> 00:30:01,200 and this is exactly what we do with it, 550 times a day. 473 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:02,800 Down the chute. 474 00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:07,120 Would you press the button? And we're starting the production process. 475 00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:11,320 Something quite serious is happening in there. 476 00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:13,360 And we can see the block now being cut. 477 00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:16,600 You can pull the tray out underneath to see the amount of rind. 478 00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:21,080 Look at that! That is massive, isn't it? 479 00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:24,520 That isn't one pork scratching, is it? That's a pork chop. 480 00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:27,080 This is a perfect size for a scratching. 481 00:30:27,080 --> 00:30:30,160 When you actually render the product in the cooking process, 482 00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:31,840 you lose two thirds of that size. 483 00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:34,560 And rendering is what, melting down the fat, is it? 484 00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:36,120 It's just rendering off the... 485 00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:38,840 Well, it's not fat, it's lard. Pure lard. 486 00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:45,640 The bit that we use in terms of this particular product is the top half of the leg, the shank. 487 00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:48,640 We only use that bit - the softest, tenderest part of the pig. 488 00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:50,560 Cos when you think about it, Hugh, 489 00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:54,400 right at the top of your leg there is in fact the softest bit. 490 00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:57,440 Are you aware of the BBC's taste and decency rules? 491 00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:02,320 Yes, I am, I'm doing a very specific simple fact. 492 00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:05,040 The top of you leg, where the sun goeth not, 493 00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:06,200 that is the softest bit. 494 00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:08,080 Just trying to be helpful. 495 00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:11,440 Well, it's nice to see you guys are entering into the spirit of it, 496 00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:15,600 cos I see pork scratchings as one of the sexiest things in the world. 497 00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:16,920 Yeah, I do. 498 00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:18,760 Have you seen someone about this? 499 00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:21,160 No, I'm not taking therapy, that's for sure. 500 00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:22,520 So what happens after? 501 00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:26,680 I'm not sure a therapist that could cope with that! Moving on swiftly... 502 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:29,320 'to the really sexy deep-fat fryer. Phwoar!' 503 00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:32,560 It's hitting it now with about 170, 180 degrees. 504 00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:35,600 As you can see, it's like a cauldron of hot oil and steam. 505 00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:37,640 And how long do they have to cook for? 506 00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:42,120 Scratchings in this temperature will be there for about an hour and a half. 507 00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:45,120 I bet you can't wait to taste these guys, can you? 508 00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:48,160 Hey? Lovely, lovely! 509 00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:54,080 'Hm... Doesn't turn me on exactly, but it's quite nice.' 510 00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:55,680 Delicious. 511 00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:57,800 Absolutely delicious! 512 00:31:57,800 --> 00:32:01,040 You get quite excited by these, don't you? Absolutely, yeah. 513 00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:05,440 I think you need to go and have a sit down...or a cold shower! I'm not sure which to offer. 514 00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:09,120 Look at this. Just very, very simple flavour, this. 515 00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:11,840 Everyone fights over roast pork on the Sunday lunch. 516 00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:16,000 That's the nearest you can get to a roast-pork crackling from Sunday lunch. 517 00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:19,920 What we do with them on the racks, we move them round into the cooling room 518 00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:23,760 before we then actually go into the next process, which is very important 519 00:32:23,760 --> 00:32:29,640 because it removes nipples, hairs and anything else that's a foreign object in the scratchings. 520 00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:33,920 If you're only buying this bit of the thigh, why are there any nipples in there. 521 00:32:33,920 --> 00:32:36,560 Well, we look for them, just in case. 522 00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:39,960 Now the extremely serious business of quality control. 523 00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:41,960 Take me to your leader. Oh. 524 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,600 Oh, that is gross, isn't it? 525 00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:47,840 Look at that! That is a beauty! 526 00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:50,840 Two gorgeous great bristles. 527 00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:55,640 43% of that is as good for you as olive oil. That makes 57% not good for you. 528 00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:59,760 No, no, another 13% is stearic acid, which is a neutral kind of thing. 529 00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:02,520 So basically for... 40... 530 00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:04,680 56%... Oh, lovely! 531 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:09,280 That is yeah you could actually be an air hostess or in fact the pilot. 532 00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:13,120 Have you found any bosoms? No, I haven't found any nipples. Not one. 533 00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:16,760 The lovely thing about pork scratchings is when you've had a few 534 00:33:16,760 --> 00:33:19,560 you're actually gagging for your next pint of beer 535 00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:21,040 so it's brilliant for pubs. 536 00:33:21,040 --> 00:33:26,120 I wonder if any other tender piggy titbits would make a tasty pork scratching? 537 00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:29,160 Well, we won't know unless we try. 538 00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:36,960 Pig nipples, look at that. There, look. 539 00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:39,680 Oh, that is deeply unpleasant, isn't it? 540 00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:41,560 No, it's not. Beautiful nipple. 541 00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:45,680 They've got nice meat behind it, there, bit of fat, bit of meat. 542 00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:48,960 It might be a really, really good tasty snack. 543 00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:51,800 'I can't quite believe Oz is doing this.' 544 00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:53,280 Lovely. Put one in for me. 545 00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:55,560 'Believe me, they're both for you.' 546 00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:58,320 Looking forward to it? Yeah, very much. 547 00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:00,880 But what we're doing here is a social service, 548 00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:04,960 cos these are very edible things which cost very little and are going to waste. 549 00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:08,480 You see that? The nipple is self-righting. 550 00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:13,040 'Honestly!' When you turn the nipple upside down to get more crackly, it self-rights. 551 00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:15,520 'The Exorcist was less disturbing than this.' 552 00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:20,760 Now, what do you reckon? I think that is one of the most unpleasant things I've ever seen in my life. 553 00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:23,360 And... I think it looks like one of those... 554 00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:25,600 Is it Stollen cakes the Austrians make? 555 00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:27,440 It looks like a nipple 556 00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:29,880 that's been fried in boiling oil. 557 00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:32,120 'And now for the moment of truth. 558 00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:33,720 'Do I have to? Yes. 559 00:34:33,720 --> 00:34:36,760 'Deep fried pork titbit.' 560 00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:38,880 HUGH CRUNCHES 561 00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:49,200 Bit overcooked. 562 00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:50,960 No, it's about right. 563 00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:56,000 Doesn't taste any different, does it, from another pork scratching? 564 00:34:56,000 --> 00:35:00,160 But I just can't get out of my head the fact that that is a nipple. 565 00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:03,000 We're really not going to use them in our pub, 566 00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:05,240 so what... No, thank you. 567 00:35:05,240 --> 00:35:09,480 So what do you think? What's the conclusion? 568 00:35:09,480 --> 00:35:12,040 I personally would just go for nuts. 569 00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:14,080 'Oh, no, now they're staring at me. 570 00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:17,000 'I'm simply pushing the envelope of taste.' 571 00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,640 ..In any sense. You can't buy those in a pub. 572 00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:24,760 Now this pub we're going to open, who's going to come? 573 00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:27,680 Uh-oh! There's something we've completely forgotten. 574 00:35:27,680 --> 00:35:31,160 Women. Women! Very good point. 575 00:35:31,160 --> 00:35:34,600 As luck would have it, we're only a few miles away from a brewery 576 00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:37,600 that's holding an all-women's beer tasting. 577 00:35:37,600 --> 00:35:41,400 It's the perfect opportunity to find out exactly what women want from a pub. 578 00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:45,880 We'd better come up with some incisive and penetrating questions. 579 00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:49,880 What do you think women like about pubs and don't like about pubs? 580 00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:52,760 Men and men. 581 00:35:52,760 --> 00:35:56,080 What three drinks would you want every pub to serve? 582 00:35:56,080 --> 00:35:59,280 Beer... No, I'm not asking you. 583 00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:01,080 These are questions for the women. 584 00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:03,600 What is your favourite British tipple? 585 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:06,600 Probably, when I'm in the mood, really nice draft... 586 00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:10,440 These questions for you. These are questions for the women. 587 00:36:10,440 --> 00:36:12,600 Is that a good question to ask the women? 588 00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:14,320 Yep, that's a very good question. 589 00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:17,960 OK. What's the best chat-up line a bloke can...? 590 00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:20,000 Do you think we ought maybe to... 591 00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:24,040 ..find out a bit more about what women like in pubs? 592 00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:28,080 I just asked you! What's the best chat-up line? That's an excellent thing. 593 00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:31,520 The women will really want to have a bloke with a good chat-up line. 594 00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:33,200 They go to pubs the same reason... 595 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:35,840 What's the worst chat-up line? Just as good. Have both. 596 00:36:35,840 --> 00:36:39,080 It's probably someone coming in and saying something like, 597 00:36:39,080 --> 00:36:41,480 "There's a party going on in my mouth, 598 00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:44,040 "would you like to join in?" 599 00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:45,840 Have you ever said that to someone? 600 00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:47,680 No, I would never have said it. 601 00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:51,400 I've always been terrible at chat-up lines. 602 00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:55,280 At what point do you turn to your partner and say...? 603 00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:58,200 Enough. That would be different for everybody. 604 00:36:58,200 --> 00:37:01,240 That's why I'm asking the question. How do you phrase it? 605 00:37:01,240 --> 00:37:08,160 How many are they allowed to have before they say, "We are going home," pause, "now." 606 00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:11,360 That's how it happens, isn't it? Very good question, that. 607 00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:14,800 What smell do women least like on a man's breath in a pub? 608 00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:18,840 That's a really important question. 609 00:37:20,240 --> 00:37:23,720 'This is a four-year-old microbrewery called Purity. 610 00:37:23,720 --> 00:37:28,840 'They market their prize-winning UBU bitter to young people and women 611 00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:32,640 'so they hold regular female focus groups right here.' 612 00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:36,200 That's slightly darker, yeah. 613 00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:41,680 'So are you ready with our in-depth survey?' 614 00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:48,320 13 questions. 615 00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:50,680 This lot look quite serious. 616 00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:53,720 Looks to me like an UBU cos that looks like the darkest. 617 00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:58,320 I think I'll let you do the talking. 618 00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:00,440 And that looks like Mad Goose to me. 619 00:38:00,440 --> 00:38:04,200 We're travelling round Britain and we're trying to put together 620 00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:07,960 a British pub, aren't we, at the end of it, a best-of-British pub. 621 00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:10,640 It occurred to us... Frightening thought, that is! 622 00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:14,520 It occurred to us that we didn't know anything at all about what women want. 623 00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:16,560 WOMEN LAUGH 624 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:18,800 It occurred to HIM. 625 00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,160 What's your favourite British tipple? 626 00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:23,600 Gin and tonic. Beer! 627 00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:26,240 Gin and tonic. Cider. 628 00:38:26,240 --> 00:38:27,960 Cider! 629 00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:30,800 It's the way forward. Beer is the way forward. 630 00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:33,600 No, it's not! You can't say that in my beer tasting! 631 00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:35,200 She says cider! 632 00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:37,080 This is great, there could be a fight! 633 00:38:39,080 --> 00:38:41,280 What bar snacks would you like? 634 00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:44,160 Nuts. Nuts. 'Nuts! I knew I was right!' 635 00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:47,000 A spoon to go with it. A spoon?! 636 00:38:48,800 --> 00:38:50,600 Did you hear that? 637 00:38:50,600 --> 00:38:56,800 They... This.. In Italy, you have a spoon to spoon your peanuts cos you don't know who's been... 638 00:38:56,800 --> 00:39:02,280 I've never heard a more bizarre non-masculine idea in my life. 639 00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:04,920 No, that is... Yeah. But this is why we're here. 640 00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:09,360 This is because we've now found that women want you to spoon your nuts. 641 00:39:09,360 --> 00:39:11,440 LAUGHTER 642 00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:14,640 What makes a man attractive to a woman in a pub? 643 00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:16,880 Wallet! Beer goggles! 644 00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:18,120 Someone said, "Wallet." 645 00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:22,400 This is all good stuff. It's very good stuff. 646 00:39:22,400 --> 00:39:25,600 What is the worst chat-up line you have ever heard? 647 00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:27,520 If you were a bogey, I'd pick you. 648 00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:36,360 I'm really sorry. I wish I'd never said it. 649 00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:38,280 Fantastic, great. 650 00:39:39,400 --> 00:39:40,960 I'm going to use that 651 00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:43,960 cos it'll get the conversation going, won't it? 652 00:39:43,960 --> 00:39:48,840 Well, I mean that leads to what is the best chat-up line you've ever had on you? 653 00:39:48,840 --> 00:39:51,440 Would you like a drink? 654 00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:55,320 I've spent years of my life trying to find out 655 00:39:55,320 --> 00:40:01,000 what the golden question is and it's, "Would you like a drink?" 656 00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:02,800 Yes. Can I buy you a drink? 657 00:40:04,080 --> 00:40:07,040 Not, "Would you like a drink," but "Can I buy you a drink?" 658 00:40:07,040 --> 00:40:08,720 Simple. 659 00:40:08,720 --> 00:40:10,720 I've been on the wrong track for so long. 660 00:40:10,720 --> 00:40:12,720 It doesn't show. 661 00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:16,880 How many pints is your partner allowed 662 00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:21,200 before you get cross and say "We're going home..." 663 00:40:21,200 --> 00:40:22,280 "..Now!" 664 00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:25,160 Yes! 665 00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:27,400 Four. Five. Five. It depends. 666 00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:30,040 Five? You're my kind of girl. 667 00:40:30,040 --> 00:40:33,280 And do they feel like they are very male places, pubs? 668 00:40:33,280 --> 00:40:35,360 Yes. Yeah, a lot of them. 669 00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:39,000 Yeah. How could you make them more female-friendly? 670 00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:42,040 I'm really up for some real, good, decent food 671 00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:44,840 and some nicer glasses to serve everything in. 672 00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:47,360 Nicer glasses. Yeah, nicer glasses. 673 00:40:47,360 --> 00:40:50,720 Don't you like those big pint glasses? No, they're horrible. 674 00:40:50,720 --> 00:40:54,160 Well, we will see what we can do for you in our... Good. 675 00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:55,480 I hope so. ..in our pub, 676 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:59,440 so if you come along, you'll see we've taken everything on board. 677 00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:06,560 It's been very, very illuminating and not slightly frightening. 678 00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:08,520 Cheers! On with the drinking! 679 00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:11,080 THEY CHEER 680 00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:14,600 'This beer is very popular with the ladies. 681 00:41:14,600 --> 00:41:17,400 'And that's why I'm having it for my bar. Mm. We'll see.' 682 00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:21,120 Right. That was our last stop. 683 00:41:21,120 --> 00:41:23,440 It's time to open our pub. 684 00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:26,880 # Oh, the weather outside is frightful 685 00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:30,120 # But the fire is so delightful... # 686 00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:33,400 Well, it's almost time to open our pub. 687 00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:35,880 As weather watchers among you can tell, 688 00:41:35,880 --> 00:41:39,480 it's taken Oz a little bit longer than he thought to get round to it. 689 00:41:39,480 --> 00:41:41,480 But it's worth the wait, 690 00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:47,120 because I found the ideal location, slap bang in the middle of Britain. 691 00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:52,120 This isn't the middle of Britain. This is Warwickshire. The middle of Britain is Lancashire or... 692 00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:56,760 If you count the Hebrides and you count Rockall and Gibraltar it's probably somewhere... 693 00:41:56,760 --> 00:41:59,800 off the west coast of Ireland. That's the middle of the sea. 694 00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:03,280 Some people say that Meriden is actually the centre of England. 695 00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:06,800 That's only four miles away from this pub. It's still four miles. 696 00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:08,920 Do you know what? I don't care! 697 00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:11,440 This is a wonderful pub for our competition. 698 00:42:11,440 --> 00:42:14,440 You can stay out here all day talking to yourself. 699 00:42:14,440 --> 00:42:17,280 'The inn that Oz has chosen is this award-winning pub 700 00:42:17,280 --> 00:42:21,680 'in Shustoke, Warwickshire, slap bang in the middle of... well, nowhere. 701 00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:25,400 'Look, the main thing is it's a fantastic local pub, famous for its beer 702 00:42:25,400 --> 00:42:29,400 'and the landlord Michael Pugh is allowing us to take the helm this evening.' 703 00:42:29,400 --> 00:42:31,080 How are you? What a great pub! 704 00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:33,720 So how do you feel about handing over your pub to us? 705 00:42:33,720 --> 00:42:37,680 I've never pulled a pint. Well, it's best if you haven't pulled a pint. 706 00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:41,080 It's best that I show you how to do it properly and it'll be all right. 707 00:42:41,080 --> 00:42:44,520 Why don't I take you to the cellar, show you the cellar? Good idea. 708 00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:49,080 If somebody offers to take you down to the cellar, you need to be slightly wary of them. 709 00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:51,160 Only if they're Austrian. Oh, OK. 710 00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:52,400 MICHAEL LAUGHS 711 00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:55,640 Oz, these are your pulls. 712 00:42:55,640 --> 00:42:58,520 'So, here it is. The field of combat. Our bar.' 713 00:42:58,520 --> 00:43:00,520 Hugh, these are your pulls here. 714 00:43:00,520 --> 00:43:02,960 'But battle begins down below. 715 00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:04,560 'All our beers nicely settled. 716 00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:10,280 '72 firkins of our carefully chosen ales, stouts and lagers.' 717 00:43:10,280 --> 00:43:11,960 You get your... Ohh... Ah! 718 00:43:11,960 --> 00:43:15,320 OZ AND MICHAEL LAUGH 719 00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:17,760 My turn, I'll do this one here. 720 00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:21,040 This is Spitting Feathers from Chester, remember that? 721 00:43:21,040 --> 00:43:22,280 I got stung by a wasp. 722 00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:25,960 'So this honey beer's all mine.' 723 00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:32,040 Thank God I'm wearing my cheap watch! 724 00:43:32,040 --> 00:43:35,240 'Now, the chance to pull my first ever pint.' 725 00:43:35,240 --> 00:43:36,800 That's it. 726 00:43:43,920 --> 00:43:46,600 That's lovely. 727 00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:48,280 My first... 728 00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:52,560 Today? No, my first pulled pint. MICHAEL LAUGHS 729 00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:57,200 'All our drinks are here and we've divided them up between us. Well, almost.' 730 00:43:57,200 --> 00:43:59,040 UBU. Now that was mine, wasn't it? 731 00:43:59,040 --> 00:44:02,080 Why would it be yours? What did you do to deserve it? 732 00:44:02,080 --> 00:44:05,760 What I did to deserve it was I banged a thing into it 733 00:44:05,760 --> 00:44:08,720 and I've got a pipe running to it to my side of the bar. 734 00:44:08,720 --> 00:44:11,000 That goes to my side of the bar. 735 00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:14,720 That's a fait accompli, as they say in French. Pretty much. Damn it. 736 00:44:14,720 --> 00:44:19,360 All right. Well I'll have Lancashire's finest - Mad Monk stout. 737 00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:22,720 Good! See you in a bit. I'm going to go and pump some beer up. 738 00:44:22,720 --> 00:44:24,360 'I don't think so.' 739 00:44:30,520 --> 00:44:32,320 Just all air, but... 740 00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:37,120 It's as though the thing isn't connected at all. 741 00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:39,640 God, I hope I have! Oh, lord. 742 00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:40,800 'What's going on? 743 00:44:40,800 --> 00:44:42,880 'It worked before.' 744 00:44:42,880 --> 00:44:45,960 That is so utterly irresponsible. 745 00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:49,800 He's going to be doing the same stuff to me later on, isn't he? 746 00:44:49,800 --> 00:44:51,640 I just thought I'd get in first. 747 00:44:51,640 --> 00:44:55,320 If he thinks he'll win by getting me in a thoroughly bad temper, 748 00:44:55,320 --> 00:44:59,160 by continually trying to undercut my attempts to run my side of the bar, 749 00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:01,000 he's got another thing coming. 750 00:45:01,000 --> 00:45:05,320 'OK, it was slightly underhand, but with time running out, fiendishly effective.' 751 00:45:05,320 --> 00:45:10,120 If he's going to start cheating all the way through the evening, it'll really spoil things. 752 00:45:11,360 --> 00:45:12,920 Oh, bloody hell! 753 00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:18,240 'Time to show off the bountiful fruits of our summer's labours.' 754 00:45:18,240 --> 00:45:19,960 This is yours, this is mine. 755 00:45:19,960 --> 00:45:24,920 'Possibly the finest collection of British drinks ever assembled under one roof.' 756 00:45:24,920 --> 00:45:27,880 Is this MY bottle of Kilbeggan? 757 00:45:27,880 --> 00:45:29,600 Ginger beer - Weapons Grade. 758 00:45:29,600 --> 00:45:31,920 'With 504 pints of beer...' 759 00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:34,480 Stop it. '..71 pints of cider... 760 00:45:34,480 --> 00:45:36,960 'Eight bottles of mead...' 761 00:45:36,960 --> 00:45:41,080 Well, no, honestly, I'd ask for your help if I didn't think it was worth it. 762 00:45:41,080 --> 00:45:42,840 '..34 bottles of English wine...' 763 00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:45,600 Where's this come from. What? This one. 764 00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:46,880 It's mine. 765 00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:49,280 '..528 shots of spirits...' 766 00:45:49,280 --> 00:45:55,200 I've got English whisky, I've got Welsh whisky and I've got Scotch whisky. 767 00:45:55,200 --> 00:45:57,240 '..148 pints of lager...' 768 00:45:57,240 --> 00:46:01,280 Beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful. 769 00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:05,200 More mead. '..And 160 bottles of mixers.' 770 00:46:05,200 --> 00:46:07,280 Did we get a bottle of Kilbeggan each? 771 00:46:07,280 --> 00:46:10,240 Who's going to buy that then? Look at the label on it. 772 00:46:10,240 --> 00:46:11,920 It's all right. What's it say on it? 773 00:46:11,920 --> 00:46:16,960 Jellyfish. 'And finally, my secret weapon - pork scratchings and local cheeses 774 00:46:16,960 --> 00:46:20,240 'to lure customers to my side of the bar.' 775 00:46:20,240 --> 00:46:24,480 They're wonderful cheeses. These are Warwickshire cheeses, local cheeses. 776 00:46:24,480 --> 00:46:29,760 And these, these are pork pies made by a bloke who actually comes into the pub and drinks in this pub! 777 00:46:29,760 --> 00:46:31,800 He made the pork pies. What's that? 778 00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:33,400 What's what? 779 00:46:33,400 --> 00:46:36,600 It's a quiz machine. A quiz machine in our pub?! 780 00:46:36,600 --> 00:46:37,960 In my pub. 781 00:46:37,960 --> 00:46:41,000 You seriously think people will come to your side of the pub 782 00:46:41,000 --> 00:46:43,840 and you've got some wretched modern machine there?! 783 00:46:43,840 --> 00:46:46,200 What's wrong with a quiz? It's only a quiz. 784 00:46:46,200 --> 00:46:49,440 It's a horrible machine in a lovely old-fashioned pub. 785 00:46:49,440 --> 00:46:50,800 Don't look at me like that. 786 00:46:52,120 --> 00:46:54,960 QUIZ MACHINE BEEPS LOUDLY 787 00:46:54,960 --> 00:46:58,080 'Well, let the skirmish of the snacks begin. 788 00:46:58,080 --> 00:46:59,600 'I know what ladies love. 789 00:46:59,600 --> 00:47:01,120 'Nut cutlery.' 790 00:47:02,680 --> 00:47:07,480 No-one is going to choose your peanuts over my lot. 791 00:47:07,480 --> 00:47:10,000 You're getting very competitive. 792 00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:12,160 I'm taking it seriously. 793 00:47:12,160 --> 00:47:14,880 Are you having a mid-life crisis? 794 00:47:14,880 --> 00:47:18,960 I'm having a mid-evening crisis, mostly caused by you. 795 00:47:21,560 --> 00:47:24,400 What are you doing round there? 796 00:47:24,400 --> 00:47:27,840 That is my side of the bar. 797 00:47:27,840 --> 00:47:29,480 Er, put that... 798 00:47:29,480 --> 00:47:32,320 Right! What is that? No, I've had enough of this. 799 00:47:32,320 --> 00:47:38,160 'From the bar to the back wall of the saloon, the battle line is drawn across the Griffin.' 800 00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:43,480 I know normality, you know, is quite a varied thing, 801 00:47:43,480 --> 00:47:45,440 it's quite a wide thing, isn't it? 802 00:47:45,440 --> 00:47:47,960 But you're definitely on the mad side of it. 803 00:47:47,960 --> 00:47:48,960 Not at all. 804 00:47:48,960 --> 00:47:51,720 My side, your side. 805 00:47:51,720 --> 00:47:57,240 'The landlord here is a real-ale expert and his regulars definitely know their stuff. 806 00:47:57,240 --> 00:48:02,160 'Both bars are full of our choices of the best of British. 807 00:48:02,160 --> 00:48:03,760 'We've got an assistant each. 808 00:48:03,760 --> 00:48:06,440 'It's seven o'clock. And it's opening time. 809 00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:07,920 'Time to raise the bar. 810 00:48:10,120 --> 00:48:15,360 '100 discerning drinkers and two hours to decide which of our bars 811 00:48:15,360 --> 00:48:17,400 'will serve the very best of British. 812 00:48:19,400 --> 00:48:22,480 OK, last chance to make your case.' 813 00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:27,520 Welcome! Welcome to this gladiatorial contest of British drink 814 00:48:27,520 --> 00:48:29,240 and you've got to decide tonight 815 00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:33,080 who has chosen the best of British drinks. 816 00:48:33,080 --> 00:48:36,640 So if you want to try wine from England's most northerly vineyard, 817 00:48:36,640 --> 00:48:40,520 if you want to try Ireland's most exciting pale ale, 818 00:48:40,520 --> 00:48:44,080 if you want to try Somerset's most traditional cider, 819 00:48:44,080 --> 00:48:46,640 if you want to try Wales' most Welsh whisky, 820 00:48:46,640 --> 00:48:51,280 try it here on my side of the bar! 821 00:48:53,200 --> 00:48:58,200 Ladies and gentleman, obviously I can't compete with Henry V here, 822 00:48:58,200 --> 00:49:01,680 but all I would say is, I also have a fantastic selection of locals. 823 00:49:01,680 --> 00:49:03,440 I have a Warwickshire beer here. 824 00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:08,800 On my side of the bar, there is more drink because I haven't drunk quite so much of it myself. 825 00:49:10,600 --> 00:49:13,240 So, em, shall we commence? 826 00:49:13,240 --> 00:49:14,880 Let the competition start! 827 00:49:14,880 --> 00:49:16,720 CROWD CHEERS 828 00:49:17,880 --> 00:49:21,120 Have to give you that in whatever your... 829 00:49:21,120 --> 00:49:25,040 'Each customer has enough tokens for plenty of drinks from each of the bars. 830 00:49:25,040 --> 00:49:29,720 'And he who collects the most tokens in the next two hours, wins.' 831 00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:40,880 Galway Hooker, Irish pale ale, you'll love it. Go on. 832 00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:44,520 'Now, Oz may be in his element, but that could be his undoing.' 833 00:49:44,520 --> 00:49:46,600 There's one farm in Norfolk, 834 00:49:46,600 --> 00:49:50,440 which has got 17 different brewers buying its barley, 835 00:49:50,440 --> 00:49:54,120 making 50 different beers from different bits of the fields. 836 00:49:54,120 --> 00:49:56,040 'While he's chatting up customers, 837 00:49:56,040 --> 00:49:58,360 'I'm chalking up the orders.' 838 00:49:58,360 --> 00:50:01,640 Hugh's got great beers I really like on the bar, 839 00:50:01,640 --> 00:50:06,680 but then Oz is such a charmer and was telling us a bit more about the stories of the drinks. 840 00:50:06,680 --> 00:50:11,080 Taking the time to have a bit of banter, a bit of a chat, even tasting customer's wine 841 00:50:11,080 --> 00:50:16,040 when they weren't going for beer, he'd try the wine and give his opinion on whether it was good. 842 00:50:16,040 --> 00:50:18,640 I can give you a sparkling wine, yeah. 843 00:50:18,640 --> 00:50:20,720 Brilliant. 'That's the Nyetimber.' 844 00:50:20,720 --> 00:50:24,560 Two Honey Traps at the end there. Look at that. Two UBU. 845 00:50:24,560 --> 00:50:27,760 Oz's wines proved too sickly so I've gone to Hugh's bar. 846 00:50:27,760 --> 00:50:30,880 I'm now enjoying the Innis & Gunn which will see me off nicely 847 00:50:30,880 --> 00:50:33,480 and Hugh's bar in my mind at the moment is winning. 848 00:50:33,480 --> 00:50:35,960 Here we go and... 849 00:50:35,960 --> 00:50:37,880 'So who is making the early running?' 850 00:50:37,880 --> 00:50:40,800 It's actually rather good. Fantastic, that's 50! 851 00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:46,080 And 48 of them have been UBU. 852 00:50:46,080 --> 00:50:49,160 I think Hugh's got the most popular beer, single beer. 853 00:50:49,160 --> 00:50:52,320 Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, out of the way. 854 00:50:52,320 --> 00:50:54,320 'He's ahead and he's still cheating.' 855 00:50:54,320 --> 00:50:56,840 Stop it, stop it! 856 00:50:56,840 --> 00:50:59,600 Cheers! Cheers! 857 00:50:59,600 --> 00:51:01,640 I think I might start again on that one. 858 00:51:01,640 --> 00:51:05,360 'I'm struggling, let's try the Cornish flavoured beers. They're mine!' 859 00:51:05,360 --> 00:51:07,000 No blueberries in this, 860 00:51:07,000 --> 00:51:10,880 but there's oysters in it and there's a little bit of ginger. 861 00:51:10,880 --> 00:51:14,360 I've got one of Oz's and he can't pour a pint, but the beer's good. 862 00:51:14,360 --> 00:51:17,520 I tried the jellyfish cos I was told there's lumps in it, 863 00:51:17,520 --> 00:51:20,640 and that was good enough to try, so now I'm trying the offal. 864 00:51:20,640 --> 00:51:23,040 So far so good, I haven't found any lumps yet. 865 00:51:23,040 --> 00:51:28,360 Pork scratchings, absolutely gone, people really do like proper snacks. 866 00:51:28,360 --> 00:51:31,400 No-one has even looked at the spoons in my nuts. 867 00:51:31,400 --> 00:51:34,200 But that can come later. There's plenty of time. 868 00:51:34,200 --> 00:51:36,880 Don't wince, Hugh. Next time. 869 00:51:36,880 --> 00:51:38,600 Look at that, you see that. I know it's perfect. 870 00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:42,120 Fantastic. But in a way it makes me look very, very impressive. 871 00:51:42,120 --> 00:51:45,520 Hugh might just have the edge, to be fair. 872 00:51:47,600 --> 00:51:49,040 He's the better-looking one. 873 00:51:50,120 --> 00:51:53,040 We've run out of Ampleforth cider now. Jellyfish. 874 00:51:53,040 --> 00:51:56,400 And we're about to run out of Nyetimber. 875 00:51:56,400 --> 00:51:58,800 'Now for my home-brew.' 876 00:51:58,800 --> 00:52:00,040 Home-brew, yes. 877 00:52:00,040 --> 00:52:04,320 Brewed by a schoolboy in his bedroom. His dad didn't know, but it was really good. 878 00:52:04,320 --> 00:52:07,520 I think we've discovered a genius in the making. 879 00:52:07,520 --> 00:52:08,760 Thank you. 880 00:52:08,760 --> 00:52:12,800 Roger Wilkins. Do you want a double or do you want a single? (Double.) 881 00:52:12,800 --> 00:52:15,440 Second most popular drink now is gin and tonic, 882 00:52:15,440 --> 00:52:19,400 so I've sent Olly to steal all the tonic from Oz's fridge 883 00:52:19,400 --> 00:52:21,320 and Oz hasn't noticed yet. 884 00:52:21,320 --> 00:52:24,440 'Ah, but two can play at that game.' 885 00:52:24,440 --> 00:52:27,480 So far I've not had a single person asking for spirits. 886 00:52:27,480 --> 00:52:31,040 No, we've had a gin. Have we? We've had a gin. We don't have any gin! 887 00:52:31,040 --> 00:52:33,680 I may have stolen it, I stole it. 888 00:52:33,680 --> 00:52:38,000 You stole...? Oh, Rebecca a girl after Hugh Dennis' own heart! 889 00:52:38,000 --> 00:52:40,680 That's my beer. That's MY beer! 890 00:52:40,680 --> 00:52:42,920 We gave you, um... No, that's my beer. 891 00:52:42,920 --> 00:52:45,760 That's two! No, that's two, that's two. 892 00:52:45,760 --> 00:52:47,720 That's my beer. One, under one. 893 00:52:47,720 --> 00:52:49,800 Have one back. Thank you very much. 894 00:52:49,800 --> 00:52:53,240 Thank you. The Welsh whisky comes from a Madeira barrel 895 00:52:53,240 --> 00:52:55,880 so that's why you've got extra colour in it. 896 00:52:55,880 --> 00:52:58,120 Look at the difference in colour. Yeah. 897 00:52:58,120 --> 00:53:01,760 So that gives you a little bit more colour. OK. 898 00:53:01,760 --> 00:53:04,240 And that's in a rum cask so that's going to be 899 00:53:04,240 --> 00:53:08,280 rummy beer and that's whisky-ee-ee beer. 900 00:53:08,280 --> 00:53:09,520 Yeah, do you fancy that? 901 00:53:09,520 --> 00:53:12,760 I'm getting a tremendous feeling that people love real beers. 902 00:53:12,760 --> 00:53:16,080 It's a little more difficult to persuade them to other stuff, 903 00:53:16,080 --> 00:53:19,320 but I try one person on the English whisky 904 00:53:19,320 --> 00:53:22,440 and four or five other people tried it and wanted some of that. 905 00:53:22,440 --> 00:53:25,840 A couple of people have gone mad on the Wilkins Cider. 906 00:53:25,840 --> 00:53:28,640 They're liking the stuff which tastes of somewhere. 907 00:53:28,640 --> 00:53:32,240 Meantime London lager, Saltaire, 908 00:53:32,240 --> 00:53:33,880 Purity that I know of, 909 00:53:33,880 --> 00:53:38,960 Innis & Gunn rum-cask beer and whisky beer. Incredible. 910 00:53:38,960 --> 00:53:40,960 Who's the name of the famous...? 911 00:53:40,960 --> 00:53:42,760 'Yes, but I know what women want. 912 00:53:42,760 --> 00:53:44,960 'They like my quiz machine and this lady 913 00:53:44,960 --> 00:53:47,760 'is fascinated by my patented peanut provider.' 914 00:53:47,760 --> 00:53:54,400 Nuts with a spoon, so you don't have to use your hands, and no-one's been to the loo and you know... 915 00:53:54,400 --> 00:53:55,840 They're spooning the nuts. 916 00:53:55,840 --> 00:53:59,320 That shows the British populace can be persuaded to do anything, 917 00:53:59,320 --> 00:54:01,880 however bonkers it is. They'll spoon their nuts. 918 00:54:05,760 --> 00:54:08,320 Last orders, ten minutes to go. 919 00:54:08,320 --> 00:54:10,240 Come on, get these drinks in. 920 00:54:10,240 --> 00:54:12,720 That's four Mad Monks I've served already. 921 00:54:12,720 --> 00:54:15,200 'The final straight and still all to play for.' 922 00:54:15,200 --> 00:54:18,000 Two Honey Traps at the end, two more of these spikes, 923 00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:21,160 straight through Hugh Dennis where it really hurts. 924 00:54:22,840 --> 00:54:24,440 What would you like, madam? 925 00:54:24,440 --> 00:54:26,960 Have some home-brew, who wants some home-brew? 926 00:54:26,960 --> 00:54:28,320 Who wants home-brew? 927 00:54:31,160 --> 00:54:35,800 'That's the last of my Mount Pleasant wine from Morecambe Bay.' 928 00:54:35,800 --> 00:54:37,040 You got a glass or not? 929 00:54:38,840 --> 00:54:41,280 Seems quite close actually between them both, 930 00:54:41,280 --> 00:54:42,760 so I wouldn't like to call it. 931 00:54:42,760 --> 00:54:44,560 Hugh seemed to have a good start, 932 00:54:44,560 --> 00:54:47,960 but Oz seems to be coming back so I don't know. 933 00:54:47,960 --> 00:54:51,480 I'll say Hugh cos I've spent most time down that end of the bar. 934 00:54:51,480 --> 00:54:55,360 All right, it's knackering, isn't it? Stop drinking now. 935 00:54:55,360 --> 00:54:57,360 We're going to count the tickets now. 936 00:55:00,200 --> 00:55:03,520 Give us ten minutes and we'll let you know the score, all right. 937 00:55:03,520 --> 00:55:09,200 I think he would be a very good manager for a large global multinational bar chain 938 00:55:09,200 --> 00:55:12,200 and I would be a better landlord of a village pub, 939 00:55:12,200 --> 00:55:16,480 but that may mean that he ends up, you know, selling more drink than I do tonight. 940 00:55:16,480 --> 00:55:19,120 You're preparing yourself for defeat. No, I'm not. 941 00:55:19,120 --> 00:55:21,960 I'm actually saying... I don't think you will lose. 942 00:55:21,960 --> 00:55:27,240 What it takes to be a good landlord, you've got to talk to people, become their friends in the bar. 943 00:55:27,240 --> 00:55:30,000 I've been talking, I just haven't been lecturing. 944 00:55:30,000 --> 00:55:33,360 'Oz will win. He's very knowledgeable about what he's selling -' 945 00:55:33,360 --> 00:55:38,200 the wine, the beers - and he's got a very attractive barmaid assisting him. 946 00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:39,880 He's going to win no problem. 947 00:55:39,880 --> 00:55:44,280 Possibly Hugh, purely because I've seen tons of beers 948 00:55:44,280 --> 00:55:47,160 that I've heard about and not tried on his side of the bar. 949 00:55:47,160 --> 00:55:49,520 Ah, Oz will win this easy. 950 00:55:49,520 --> 00:55:51,120 Cheers, mate. Well done. 951 00:55:51,120 --> 00:55:54,000 I reckon that was really close. It was really good as well. 952 00:55:56,640 --> 00:55:59,280 Quiet, quiet. Come on. THEY CHEER 953 00:55:59,280 --> 00:56:01,000 Quiet! 954 00:56:01,000 --> 00:56:02,520 OK, I've got the results. 955 00:56:03,960 --> 00:56:05,480 I've counted them twice. 956 00:56:05,480 --> 00:56:06,800 Here we go then. 957 00:56:06,800 --> 00:56:12,120 Hugh, 384. Not bad! 958 00:56:12,120 --> 00:56:13,360 Ozzie... 959 00:56:15,360 --> 00:56:17,200 394. 960 00:56:17,200 --> 00:56:18,400 CHEERING 961 00:56:29,760 --> 00:56:31,520 Thank you. 962 00:56:31,520 --> 00:56:34,440 10 in 394. That's 2%. 963 00:56:34,440 --> 00:56:37,120 It's not bad, is it? It's 2%. 964 00:56:37,120 --> 00:56:42,240 I'm entirely relaxed about the result, but I want a recount! 965 00:56:42,240 --> 00:56:45,440 'And with that, I rest my case.' 966 00:56:45,440 --> 00:56:49,000 That is the most ridiculous summer I have ever had. 967 00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:52,880 You don't mean that. You don't. Don't I? 968 00:56:52,880 --> 00:56:56,080 You really don't. It's the most wonderful summer you've had. 969 00:56:56,080 --> 00:56:58,160 Fantastic, yeah. But bizarre. 970 00:56:58,160 --> 00:57:00,480 It is bizarre, but isn't it good? 971 00:57:00,480 --> 00:57:02,880 And there's a photographic record of it. 972 00:57:02,880 --> 00:57:04,640 I can't get away with it at all! 973 00:57:04,640 --> 00:57:06,720 I can't pretend I was doing anything else. 974 00:57:10,000 --> 00:57:13,760 It's time to call time on our great adventure. 975 00:57:13,760 --> 00:57:17,320 In a way, I've been far more British than you, I think. 976 00:57:17,320 --> 00:57:19,080 Why? By losing. 977 00:57:20,560 --> 00:57:22,600 By losing elegantly. 978 00:57:22,600 --> 00:57:26,680 No, you've been losing with ill-grace and complaining... In fact, you've... 979 00:57:26,680 --> 00:57:31,040 You're a whinging Pom, rather than a British person. 980 00:57:51,000 --> 00:57:54,080 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 981 00:57:54,080 --> 00:57:57,040 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk