This year, three men are going to one of the most spectacular,
the most beautiful and the most exciting places to sail in the world.
Or at least that's what it says in Sail Scotland, the Scottish Tourist Board pamphlet.
The spray is pretty bad here. There's spray in my eyes.
It's a speedboat! We're almost there anyway.
It's not clever. We're almost at Auchinleck House.
It's great to have a place where you can bring the boat straight to, isn't it? It is.
Are you going to moor it up here, then?
Yeah, I will, I'll probably tie it off.
Mayday, Mayday. Mayday.
Mayday. Dara's driving - Mayday.
Oh, that is choppy, isn't it?
'We're taking the longest journey we've ever attempted - to explore
'the Western Isles of Scotland.'
Yeah, this is your standard day in a boat, really, to be honest.
'And on our trip, we stumble into a sea anomaly that nearly kills us.'
'We go native.'
Ah...! The viewers aren't ready for that. The very idea!
'Griff and Dara end up having a Highland fling.'
Griff is the most competitive man in the universe.
'We'll be steaming...sailing...'
Stand by harden up.
HE MOUTHS
'..rowing...'
I havnae got the stamina for it! Think of the money, Griff! Come on!
'..and mooching about the remotest parts of the British Isles.'
I couldn't last an hour living out here before I'd go stark raving mad.
I'd be wondering around the heather naked,
clutching a dead rabbit and a whisky bottle.
Urgh! I'm not eating this now!
'So far, in Three Men And A Boat, we've sailed on my own yacht - badly.'
'Rory's nearly killed us in his Cornish home waters - twice.'
Whoa!
'And Dara ended up in a paddy when we traipsed around Ireland.'
Top of the morning to you!
'With none of us having any connection whatsoever with Scotland,
'we decided we needed some inspiration from some people who've actually done this trip...
'albeit 200 years ago.'
Tell me what you know about this place, then.
This is the Auchinleck House. It's a house, it's in Auchinleck.
Yes. I think the name says it all, doesn't it? It doesn't say enough.
It's Boswell's house.
Boswell was Scottish. Yes. Johnson was English.
In fact, he was from Lichfield.
'In the 1700s, James Boswell was the Judith Chalmers of his day, famed for his travel writing
'and his biography of the famous dictionary writer Dr Johnson, who became his best friend.
'And Auchinleck House near Glasgow was the Boswell family home.'
So what are we doing here anyway?
In the year... Griff.
Yeah? In the year...
I'm listening, yeah.
17... 73. ..73, Boswell and Johnson undertook
a tour of the Western Isles, which is the old name for the...
Yeah. What a handy prop to have - a library full of Boswell's books.
A Tour Of The Hebrides With Samuel Johnson in 1773.
And we are going to recreate that -
backwards.
So our plan is to do our own tour of the Highlands and Islands, by heading up the west coast,
going to Crinan, Oban, isles of Mull, Skye and finally Harris,
where we'll try and catch the last week of the fly-fishing season.
What do you think about a 63-year-old man hanging around with a 33-year-old man?
Think of a 38-year-old man hanging around with two men in their mid-50s,
that's what I want to know.
Boswell was a drinker, apparently.
But he was worried about how much he drank, so he wrote it down.
How's that going to change anything? It just means he has to stop drinking while he writes it down.
The effort of holding a pen would stop him holding a second drink.
So, on Friday the 17th of October, seven pints of claret he had.
It's my intention to write down everything that I eat and drink on this trip in the manner of Boswell.
So we'll start...what have we had so far? Did you have any breakfast?
Yeah, for breakfast, I had... two bottles of Chardonnay,
two bottles of port, and a large rum and Coke.
'To the north of Auchinleck House is Greenock on the Clyde.
'Here, we're going to take advantage of the local transport service to get us on our way.'
Why is this a good way to travel? Somebody explain to me what we're doing.
Dr Johnson. I know what...
No, Johnson and Boswell, when they had to go and travel in the wilds, they reckoned
that travelling by sea was about three times as fast as travelling by land. OK.
So we're going to go a way which is...
six times as fast as travelling by land.
'Well, it is a boat of sorts.'
Wa-hey!
'This is scheduled seaplane service that runs daily, taking passengers all over the islands,
'which we would hopefully and eventually discover by a real boat.'
Three men in a boat - we're not really... On a boat yet.
We've not been on any boats. Well, we're on two boats now, for a short period.
And then the boats lift off.
This feels like cheating...somehow.
'If Boswell and Johnson could have taken a seaplane, they would have done.
'And this one feels like it dates from their time. At least on take-off.'
I cannae get any more out of her, skipper!
Oh, fantastic! Oh, that is great, wow.
You feel like you're in a bombing run, don't you?
Like a Lancaster bomber coming in to drop a few bombs on west Glasgow.
Three men totally given up on boats now.
We'll never get back in a boat again.
Three men only loosely connected with a boat.
'We'll be touching done at the end of the Crinan Canal where our first proper boat is waiting for us.
'From there, we'll head up the coast to where we've been entered
'into a sailing race that will take us all the way to Oban,
'gateway - or doorstep - to the Highlands and Islands.'
From up here, you can see about 58 golf courses.
And a nudist colony over there.
And by the looks of it, the water's very cold.
There is a map, and we're trying to vaguely keep up with where we are, but frankly,
it's an unending tapestry
of incredibly beautiful rugged islands and hills and fish farms, and it's just stunning.
'The Crinan Canal was finished in 1800 and was immediately dubbed the prettiest shortcut in Scotland.
'It was built so that commercial boats on the Clyde near Glasgow
'could get to the islands more quickly.
'But not as quickly as us.'
'One such commercial boat was the Clyde puffer, that we were taking next.
'They were called puffers since they're steam-driven, and Vic 32 is one of the last ones still working.
'Since Griff has form on starting boats, he's offered to get her going.
'And I've come along to mock.'
Hi. Hello? Hello, Griff!
Hi. Can we come down? Yes, certainly.
You're very deep. Yeah, we are, yep, we're below the waterline.
Nice to meet you, I'm Griff. How are you going, Griff, I'm Lyle.
This is Dara. Hello, Dara.
Good to meet you, how are you?
Tell us about the engine, then.
Well, the boat was built in 1943 for the war effort.
It's a two-cylinder compound engine. Yeah.
It's 120 brake horsepower.
And it's condensing, so that means it reuses the steam
that it takes to power it - it converts it back to water. OK.
And can you just switch it on? No.
I guess not.
No, being steam, the first process is you've got to light the fire in the boiler to boil the water.
Right. And that a process that will take us 48 hours to do.
Just a minute - I think we'd better take a...
Yes, we are quite short on time.
'Yes, that's right, we're not going anywhere for two days.
'Nonetheless, we have to get the boiler going, and it all starts with a shovelful of oily rags.'
This is as complex as it gets?
Yes. You have to light a match. Make sure you light all the rags.
Jesus, why are you moving?
Just so you can light the other side!
Warn me!
Now what do we do, boss? Put them in there. Oh, yeah, OK.
And we introduce some fire to the British public.
Young people haven't seen actual fire in a long time.
'The boiler needs to be slowly fed with wood and then coal, whilst it starts.'
We think that watching that happen for two days mightn't be quite
as electric a piece of television as we are renowned for, so, yeah.
This show can be quite slow-moving at the best of times.
And we are a bit too lazy to stay up all night doing that.
We'll see you in two days' time.
Perfect. Very good.
'So while Lyle looks after the boiler, we look after ourselves.
'We hail a local taxi, a water taxi, and head west to the Isle of Jura.'
'The isle is famous for two things.
'It's the second most sparsely inhabited island, after Rhum,
'and they make whisky, which is different from rum.'
My plan is to visit this distillery, which is celebrating its 200th anniversary this year.
It was founded in 1810. You'll have a skalk, will you?
I'll have a skalk. I think we're a bit late for a skalk.
What's a skalk? It's a little glass of whisky.
Dr Johnson talks of it approvingly.
You wake yourself up in the morning with a wee dram and you have it with your breakfast.
It's connected to the Scots Gaelic word meaning "a kick in the head", apparently.
Really? Yeah. Do you need a kick in the head, Rory?
Would you like a kick in the head? I'll let you decide.
I'd imagine most of the lady waiting staff would happily give you a kick in the head.
200 years ago, Jura's population was 1,000.
But, in common with much of the Highlands,
people were cleared to make way for the more profitable sheep.
And another Highland beastie which now outnumbers the locals.
How many people on Jura? There are 189 people on Jura and 5,000 sheep.
No, deer.
You'll see a lot of venison on the menus here.
But we're not going to see the deer - shall we go and see the sheep?
Where are you going? Is it deer? I'm going to the distillery. OK.
Don't drink too much, Rory.
Don't shag too many sheep.
Jura used to be owned by just one clan. The Campbells.
Nowadays it's split into six estates,
the largest being the Ardfin estate,
which covers most of the south of the island. It's up for sale.
What I'm looking around me here, those hills, this is all...
To the left and right, everything you can see on Jura is Ardfin estate.
And are people nervous about who's going to buy it?
I guess, in a way, because you get used to the same owners,
and Ardfin estate have been good owners to the island.
They have been very helpful.
If you're interested, by the way,
it would help if you had £3.5 million, and an interest in hairy cows.
So, whilst Rory goes for his kick in the head, we opted for a kick in the crotch.
We are going to help with the seasonal task of sheep shearing.
I like the way the sheep are being pulled out to greet us.
I'm looking forward to seeing you doing this, but I just know that the camera will pull away,
and I will just have sheep's blood all over me
and I'll be, like, "I'm dreadfully, dreadfully sorry, I've killed your sheep."
Isn't this a skill you've always wanted? No!
Of all the skills we've done, this is not a skill that...
I can never see myself thinking, "Thank heavens I learned shearing that time."
In the middle of, somehow, you're just walking across the hills, one day,
and you go, "I must shear a sheep!"
I can't see any possible context in which I would be grateful.
Meanwhile, I am much more interested in Jura's whisky, which is aged for a minimum of 10 years.
Oh, what a smell that is.
It's cracking, isn't it? This is wonderful.
I'll have a pint, please!
Master distiller Willie Cochrane is experimenting with old casks, to add flavour.
Whisky straight from these is strong, at up to 65% alcohol.
This one here is a Pinot Noir, it's an ex Pinot Noir wine cask.
So this had red wine in it? Yes.
Screw it in... Now children, don't try this at home.
Put it in as far as you can get it. I've heard that before!
Yes. Well done, sir.
Left-handed as well.
Very nice. I'm getting Pinot noir off that. What a coincidence!
What should I, how do I approach this?
Do I nose it first? I would nose it first.
Ah, fantastic. Is that what you mean by nosing?
Here goes. Do you have strong ideas, opinions, about whether you should dilute it, either ice or water, or...
No, it's a no-no. If you're drinking it without water,
which you're about to do, I would only take a little sip and let your saliva reduce the strength of it.
Yes, we like, is good, is good! I want, ja!
I'll take, I'll take it.
Pick him a good one now, David.
One that doesn't kick.
How do I do this?
Rest the sheep's head against your groin.
You actually are in communion with that animal. It is amazing. You and sheep are one.
Does the sheep bite?
No. Well, it could do, but...
Wait a minute, I don't like the disagreement here.
On the potential. It won't.
OK, you're going to come in here,
you're going to let the head drop down there.
Take your hand out of there. OK?
Can't we just leave it at this?
You look great, the way you look already. You don't need this.
Where am I going first?
I don't need any advice from you, Dara!
He's telling me how to do it. He won't do it himself!
I can't believe it.
I'm ready. Oh, OK. All right. Straight on.
Aim for my finger.
Right. Stop. And go back.
That's, that's good. Now, try and lift your hand a little, so that the point of the shear is on the skin.
# I'm an old sheep shearer
# And I'm happy shearing sheep. #
Not there, don't bite there!
There's a manoeuvre where you've got to turn that sheep around.
They haven't taught you that yet. I dread to think what position you are going to end up in.
Whoa!
Went off at once, the sheep went off, and the machine went off,
I think we had better now leave the sheep.
I think the sheep picked its moment.
And while the sheep was picking its moment, Rory has picked his favourite barrel.
What a great day's work this is, eh?
Yeah. How many bottles do we get out of this, then?
You'll get about 300.
300?
We'll just have to cope with 300. Do you think that'll do you?
Yeah! It's not just me. "It's not just me"!
Willie and the other 200 or so islanders are known as Diurachs,
proud of their island and their whisky.
Before forcing me to leave he had a little surprise for me.
Because you're something special, we would like to make you an honourary master Diurach,
so I'd like to award you with this certificate
which we have here.
And you have signed it, you are now a master Diurach.
I am the first? You are the first Master Diurach.
That is, I am so honoured.
That is magnificent.
I want to take a few bottles away with me.
How many are you allowed to take as Master Diurach number one?
Basically, as many as you can carry.
As many as I can carry? Yes.
OK, thanks for that challenge. OK. Yes?
So, whilst Rory has nearly killed himself with freebies
and I've nearly killed myself with a set of electric shears,
we all set off to nearly kill ourselves with some sightseeing.
Put me in the back of a really fast boat zipping over the water and I'll smile like an eight year-old.
Particularly on the way to the Corryvreckan Whirlpool,
a genuine whirlpool created by vortices and the formation of rocks around the islands.
I don't know what to expect, but everyone we say to that we're going to Corryvreckan goes,
"Oh. Corryvreckan." Apparently there's, like, a step in the water, there's danger, serpents.
It is like something out of one of those mappa mundi things,
where there's a whirlpool and there's like a giant tentacle coming out and grabbing boats in.
I've got the whole Jules Verne image in my head of what this is going to look like.
If it turns out it's just a small area of water swirling gently, I'll be enormously disappointed.
We've also been told that we have to get there by three
because apparently the whirlpool knocks off for the afternoon.
The whirlpool's on a pretty tight schedule and if we're not there by three,
it's going to go and whirl somewhere else.
So that's where we're going to hammer down and hopefully,
we will be there before Mr Whirlpool finishes for the day.
And this is that stretch of water, described by the Royal Navy
as the most violent and dangerous in the UK.
George Orwell, who wrote 1984 whilst staying on Jura, nearly drowned by rowing too close.
Is that it there? That's the whirlpool? That's definitely whirling around.
But it doesn't look as if it's going to suck us up, does it? No, it doesn't.
Do you know what? I don't think it's a whirlpool, I think it's just driving around in a circle.
Honestly. I get bigger waves in my local swimming pool, when they switch the wave machine on.
Perhaps the legendary Corryvreckan was having an off-day.
It was quiet...
Look at this - up ahead.
..Too quiet.
Griff, I'm not sure that's the best thing to say near a dangerous sea anomaly.
The whirlpool is angry with us! We've insulted the whirlpool!
Oh!
Argh!
Oh, man!
That'll teach us to slag off the whirlpool.
The gods were angry! We were just saying... That's so childish!
Just cos you didn't get a whirlpool you had to drown us!
Very, very disappointing whirlpool, wasn't it?
After a morning drinking Jura whisky that's just what you want, a solid wall of water breaking over you.
Just perfect - perks you up a treat.
Since we had inadvertently inflated our buoyancy aids,
captain Sandy decided to run us through the whirlpool.
One more time.
We're going for it again.
I've just hung my washing up.
Can we get off now?
The puffer's boiler was still only halfway there, so our first night has been a gentle one.
Lovely cabin I'm in now. Right in the hold of the ship,
in the very bowels of VIC 32,
which basically is just for storing all the stuff
they were taking out to the islands or the ships or whatever.
And now turned into these rather elegant cabins.
Very quiet because you don't hear any noise in a steamboat.
The steam engine doesn't make any noise. It's fantastic.
In fact, it's so quiet, I have no difficulty hearing Rory McGrath snoring at all.
With another day to kill before the puffer can take us anywhere, another day trip was in order.
Oban is a small town whose population triples in the holiday season,
the main draw being its ferry terminal and easy access to the islands.
But, for Rory, the attraction lies elsewhere.
Oban Distillery, the second oldest in Scotland after Glenturret in Crieff.
When Johnson and Boswell came to Oban, all it was was a distillery.
This was all it was. In fact, Oban exists because of this distillery.
And it's built up to be, you know, the seafood capital of Scotland, Gateway to the islands...
But do you intend to start every morning with a trip to a distillery?
The doctor said, "Rory, a distillery every day."
Really? And get it done by, before 10 o'clock.
Brendan is the head of the distillery, and being an old hand at this now, I'm showing Dara the ropes.
That's a 10 year old, but it's cask strength, so 55, 56% alcohol.
I'm just going to give it a quick nose, Brendan.
How often do you drink whisky out of a jug?
Daily.
Smell that. Sorry, "nose" that.
It smells of whisky. Definitely. Distinct whisky smell.
It smells of anger and regret.
Late nights in tears. Yeah, it does.
Smells of it, smells of "I miss my family."
"But she won't let me near the kids." That's what it smells like.
Don't swirl it too much or you'll just get a rush of alcohol.
Oh, Jesus. That's a great face!
I tell you what, it's an honest face.
So, Johnson, in all his travels writes down everything he drinks and whisky is never mentioned.
Port, madeira, rum, sherry, red wine.
That's kind of before whisky became a legitimate business.
Back then, whisky was, farmers would make it from leftover
barley that they couldn't feed.
It was just a way to make some more money... Was it legal?
No. It was all illicit. Was it like poitin?
It was still whisky.
It was the same process. It was simply done out in fields, by rivers,
and they didn't pay tax on it, because they produced it illicitly.
The whisky they made then would taste almost identical to the whisky we make today,
when they had a good day, but there would be a real amount of inconsistency in what they produced.
Did they discover that American barrels were good,
simply because somebody had to get barrels from somewhere?
You made it in a field as quickly as you could, collected it in whatever material you had.
Some stuff they probably wouldn't even have put in anything,
they'd have just sold it straightaway. And that was rough.
Griff, meanwhile, is also looking at whisky at one of the tourist shops.
It's everywhere, the whisky. Look, this is a whisky shop here.
This is just the sort of Coca-Cola of the Highlands, whisky, really.
It's just a great big marketing invention, a wonderful marketing invention,
as far as Scotland's concerned, cos making whisky keeps the entire islands and Highlands going, really.
The actual whisky, the actual stuff, the bottle, the labelling,
the stuff that goes in it only costs 15p.
The rest of it is all tax.
The Government takes most of it in tax.
Of course, I'm only talking as one who drank his allocation of whisky before the age of 30.
So, I don't touch the stuff.
Actually, I have to say...
thinking back, as a bit of a reformed toper,
thinking back, I have to say that probably the most odious drink
that you could ever drink was whisky.
Except possibly a cup of Scottish coffee. No, no. It was lovely.
Just what we needed before going to the Kilmore Highland games.
We've long jumps and high jumps, hammer, wide hammer... Get hammered.
Weight over bar. What weight?
I think anything that requires strength or ability, we should not do.
You think we should aim for skill?
Oh, wait a second. Caber. Yay.
Haven't you tossed a caber at all?
Yes, I'm a well known tosser around these parts.
And how, is it easy? It is difficult.
It is the hardest thing. We would not be able to pick up, the three of us, one of the cabers they toss.
Really? Very, very heavy. There's a caber for 11-15 year olds. We'll do that one. OK.
But, to actually take part in the Games, the rules state that you must be wearing Highland attire.
Since none of us have much more than jeans and T-shirt,
and most of those are soaked through, thanks to a certain, vengeful tidal anomaly,
we head to the local tailors.
So this afternoon, we have to turn up completely as bogus Scotsmen. Definitely not that, definitely.
What tartan would you recommend that we wore? To cause no trouble. We don't want to cause any...
I will get you something that will suit you.
Is that how much it costs? Yep.
Let's just go sailing. It's cheaper!
Honestly, you can get a full... 745 quid!
Let's get kilted up then. Yes!
In you come, sir.
I'm impressed by the fact that the dressing room curtain is in a tartan.
It's a spare kilt for an extremely large person.
Yes! Well, we have an extremely large person in there.
"We've got nothing that fits you, except the changing room curtain."
"We'll drape it around you, Rory!"
Are you all right there? Assume the position!
RORY GRUNTS
I tell you the other thing, though, this suits Rory.
He'll look good in this, because he has very shapely legs. Really?!
Wait for it. We're talking about 20 years ago now, but he used to appear
in these horrible, lemon-yellow, very skimpy little shorts cos he thought it excited waitresses.
And when he returns, you'll be surprised by how shapely his legs are.
I'll look forward to it. I may be as out of shape as the rest of him is.
Excuse me. Watch yourself.
That feel all right? Good. Good.
Yeah!
Fantastic. It looks like a bath towel.
It is a bath towel.
I just had a bath.
And the shapely leg, Rory!
It's a look, anyway.
I don't think this is the right sporran for you. Let's go and look at some of the sporrans.
This is what you need.
It's a big, hairy one.
This is, look, that's much more impressive.
There's a whole badger here!
If you don't mind me saying so, sir, that's much more you.
I don't really do hats well.
You do that hat well. That's the best hat I've ever seen you in.
It really suits you.
# Donald, where's your troosers? #
Oh, that's fantastic, it really suits you.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Don't do that! You're ruining it.
Right, is that the...
That's the native look.
We don't want to... The viewers aren't ready for that!
The very idea! That's how you got to wear it.
That's nice. It creates its own eco-system.
That's the correct way, yeah.
Is that the pregnancy timer here?
That's unfair. Coming from you, particularly.
Ah, yeah. If I may say so.
Griff, it's your turn.
I'm going. Yeah, I'm going now.
Needs to be nice and firm.
Ladies and gentlemen, would you welcome to the shop floor Mr Griff Rhys-McJones?
Oh! Oh, fantastic.
That works, I'd say. Yeah.
Are you...keckless, as we say in... Are you?
No, I've got mine on. Me too.
Am I the only Celt here who's actually gone for this?
The only genuinely, son of the soil, rugged highland...
Now, Rory and I will. Join you.
De-pant. You can, if you want.
Go on, Rory. You just can do it, can you?
I would have put clean ones on, had I known!
Not the first ones I found on the floor in the bedroom.
Aye, Ladies, this is what you've been waiting for.
It's too embarrassing to see this happening.
Feels like like one of those girls on a binge in Nottingham.
Pristine white... No, no, no.
Rory, no comments, please.
It's been the same pants for the past four days.
Can we sniff them, at least?
It's funny how the rough feel of the tartan...
It's chafing you, Griff? Are you being chafed?
Quite disturbing. I'm finding this very liberating.
Not in a kind of karmic way. I'm actually genuinely enjoying it.
Not quite used to it yet.
BAGPIPE MUSIC
The origins of the Highland Games are somewhat blurred,
but one thing is for sure - that the modern resurgence is down to Queen Victoria
and her promotion of all things Highland, including kilts, bagpipes,
and people with ginger hair.
Well, she was nearly successful.
We are the only people wearing kilts!
I thought you had to have a kilt to turn up.
Trousers, trousers, trousers.
Traditional Highland wear is this sort of plastic pac-a-mac.
Are you beginning to feel it now? You don't feel the draught when you're in the shop.
Is the commando backfiring on you?
You get a certain sense of it over here. In the cold.
The original games included events like twisting the legs off a cow.
Unfortunately, nowadays more normal feats of strength are the main attraction.
The Kilmore event is a wee, local affair.
But some Scottish games attract 3,500 competitors - and double that in America.
Do you go round the whole series of Highland Games and compete amongst yourselves?
We travel all over Scotland.
From the Borders right up to the top of Scotland.
We go out on the islands, too.
And as far flung, as well, as America.
That's your summer gone, though is it? Used up?
And then we go out, I was in Jakarta in Indonesia a few months back.
And then we got out as far as Japan, too.
And do you pull trucks along and things like that as well?
Have done. I pulled a car this year.
Pulling a few out of the mud today!
Later on, you're doing the caber. That's the last event.
And what's the skill in the caber? it's a different sort of skill, is it?
It's the skill of flipping it over.
You want it to land on 12 o'clock, right in front of you.
So you have a back judge, a side judge, so if it doesn't go over, the side judge will give you the angle.
While Griff makes his way around the Games, we have our own special event planned.
And Griff doesn't know about it yet - even though he is the main attraction.
There we are. Dara, does that read OK? Yeah, yeah.
I can see that. Beat The Griff.
A Rowing Race.
I think it's a rowing race. Yeah.
Might want to tighten that up a bit.
Hang on. Look, Rory. Look.
But that is actually taller than Griff is.
Yeah, it is. It makes him look quite handsome, though.
The weird thing is his eyes follow you around the tent. They do, yeah.
Who wouldn't want to beat this in a rowing race?
What, you mean that sort of smug Englishman?
Yeah. Pretending to be Welsh.
If the rowing race doesn't work, we can use him as the target for the hammer throwing.
Great idea. OK, let's get the punters in.
I'm very conscious now, funnily. I know it's weird, isn't it?
But I am conscious all the time that I'm not wearing any underpants!
I expect Lindsay Lohan feels like this all day.
Welcome to Beat The Griff.
What's you previous rowing experience? Purely recreational. That'll do.
If you saw someone like that as your opponent,
a smug Englishman pretending to be Welsh?
I'd be fairly confident I could beat him.
Hello. Welcome to Beat The Griff.
What do you have to do?
THEY LAUGH
How do I beat Griff? You don't, Griff, but...
What do I do? Apparently, there's a rowing race being organised. Yes.
You versus the pick of the Highlands.
Yes. A load of people have signed up to try and beat you. Right-o.
They've been really enthusiastic. The picture has helped.
Can you beat that? Griff is having a toss at the moment.
No, he's not. He's throwing a hammer. My mistake.
The race is the last competition of the day,
so, in the mean time, we have a go at the other events.
OK. This is where you went.
This is where you went, and this is where I went. Yeah.
I'm not even attempting to compete, I'm just trying to spur him on, that all.
Griff is the most competitive man in the universe.
Dara really looks like one of those guys, doesn't he? Ooh!
It's that, is it? Yeah. That's it, is it? That's it, yeah.
I need a go on this.
I definitely need a go on this. There's no need to be coy.
Dara needs an opponent. Clearly Griff's not built for these kind of sports
and, anyway, he needs to conserve his energy for the rowing.
Something like that.
And the big fellows look a bit big.
Luckily, Dee, The Games' over-35 champion, is up for a bit of action.
And what are we going to have on this wager then?
Fiver. Fiver it is. OK.
Well, I'll take side bets on this.
You two get yourselves prepared.
I've got to work The Games.
It's as if he was born to this.
He looks so authentic.
Not bad, Dara! That's really, really bad.
A lot of practise, a lot of practise.
That was rubbish. That was really bad. That was great.
Fantastic. Let the games commence.
Hold the bit back, hold the bit back.
She's good. She's good.
I've got a tenner on you to win this.
Really? But I only got 2-1 from the miserable, mean bookie.
He's quite scroungey. Have you seen the amount of money in his sporran?
Wads of it!
I tell you, if Dara gets good at this, we're not going to see him again.
He's going to be off across the Highlands for the rest of the summer, appearing.
Probably more money than stand up in it.
Nice big twirl, Dara.
Nice big twirl.
Jesus Christ! Yes!
Ooh, it's close!
That's tight.
I'm genuinely quite nervous now.
Good luck, Dara.
20 quid, Dara.
This is for Ireland.
Go on! Go on!
Oh, no. Not as good. It's all to play for.
Where does he get that strength in his wrists from?
No. Didn't get any further.
That's shattering. The last one wasn't good at all.
I've given her a window of opportunity. It's that tight.
Well, maybe.
Dara has only thrown half the distance that a professional could achieve,
but nonetheless the final result is too close to call and the measure is out.
First Dara's throw...
..then Dee's. Wait a minute!
Wait a minute! And Dee has friends in the right places.
All bets are off!
Null and void. Bookie takes all, I'm afraid.
Please, behave yourselves!
Dara, it's yours. You've won!
There's my competitor.
It's never been seen on television before - Griff handing over money.
I've got this the wrong way round.
I was... I was only taking bets on Dee.
There's your original stake. There's the original stake, plus the 20.
Yeah, OK. All right. You see?
Out of all of those who signed up for the Beat The Griff Race, we now have to pick a likely contender.
We had a discussion and we decided that Angus is the man.
What I want to do, just to make it...
Put your knickers on. No, no. I'm happy about rowing with no pants on.
Remember this morning you were talking about tartan and everything?
He's a guy called Angus Scott, in a pair of jeans.
You, Griff Rhys Jones, are the one dressed head to toe in tartan and tweed. Hold my hat.
Angus, you're representing Scotland now. Come on, Angus.
You're there Andy Murray of rowing.
Without even looking now, I'll go for Angus. I'm going for Griff. OK. How much? Are you giving odds?
50-50. We'll do straight evens.
25 quid. 25 quid?
Don't you owe me 25 quid? I won't at the end of this!
On your marks, get set, go!
Come on, Angus!
Griff! Griff!
It's a simple course - from the shore, around the white buoy and back again.
Oh, God!
I havenae got the stamina for it!
Come on, Angus.
Straight! Straight! Straight!
Did we pick a guy who's never rode a boat before in his life?
The 50-year-old man is taking great pleasure in beating the 17-year-old.
Drama. Griff has lost one of his rowlocks.
The rowlocks, by the way, other small things that the oars sit in.
Shame on you if you thought anything different.
Oh, he's lost an oar. This is genuinely tense.
What's he doing? They're going to hit each other.
OK, Right, right, right!
Griff has got no thought in his head of my 25 quid, at all.
I just lost my thing there. Griff, that's it. Back!
Come on, Angus! Griff, come on!
Come on, Angus!
Think of my money, Griff!
Poor Angus. Humiliated on national television by a Welshman in a skirt.
Superior technique is winning out.
Correction. A cheating Welshman in a skirt.
Angus, come over here.
Come over here, man.
Come here because, look. I've got a little secret to let you into, Angus.
Lift up that boat.
That's half the weight of your boat. I'm sorry about that.
When you go in a rowing race, go down and check both boats
cos one of them is a good deal lighter than the other one. One's got an engine on the back as well.
Well done. OK. And the next!
My boy.
My boy Griff! I knew you wouldn't want to lose.
And finally the old boiler has warmed up and is ready to let off a bit of steam.
Not Griff, but the Vic 32.
Aw. We've had to return the Highland gear to the hire shop,
although it definitely tickled our fancies.
Just to be clear, the puffer will take us on to where we meet our next boat, a yacht,
which is entered into a race that will take us all the way to Oban.
Should we go and see Nick the captain? Where are we going?
Are we joining a race? We're not racing on this! Hello?
Permission to come aboard?
Too late, we're on.
Griff may have a history of taking the helm, but Rory has a reputation of crashing boats.
Somebody should warn Captain Nick.
How annoyed will Griff be if he finds out I'm actually steering this boat?
You can all take turns. I know but...
He gets upset? Yeah.
Gently. Gently now. Come to port.
We're about to hit a yacht.
Do you want to hit the yacht or not, Nick?
No. The insurance company might be upset. OK.
But good fun, anyway?
Well, adds excitement to life.
The strange thing about being on a steamboat is how quiet it is.
But also, how much hard work.
It's 20 shovels of coal every 20 minutes.
Lovely!
Dara...is there anybody there?
I can hear you, Rory. Can you hear me?
'I can hear you so clearly. It's amazing, this, isn't it?'
It's incredible. You'd think we were almost in the same room.
Well, I can actually see you.
You can see me?! You really are good at this tube thing, aren't you?
Here's a question for you, Dara.
Guess who is steering the ship?
Oh, shut up! I'm only taking over because you're speaking down the phone.
He's not barking instructions. Well, he is, but just leave the word "instructions" off the end of that.
'Do you want us to put more coal on?'
'I tell you what, Dara. A little treat for you.' Yes?
'Hold your hand out. I'm going to drop a little sweetie down for you.'
Oh!
Hey!
'And if you're a good boy you can have another one.'
Thank you very much, it's a cough sweet.
Nice, nice work, my friend.
HORN TOOTS
That's nice, that was nice.
The other one as well.
HORN TOOTS
That's a good noise.
HORN TOOTS
The coastguard will be saying, "Who's making sound signals in the Sound of Jura?".
Well done. Hear, hear.
This is a special treat for you, Dara.
In here we have, I think it's a 14 year-old Jura,
which has been aged in a Pinot Noir...
Having played out all our childhood fantasies about wrecking a steamboat,
it was time to tuck in to the free food and drink we'd managed to blag so far -
lamb from the estate, and whisky from the distillery.
They managed to whip up 14-year aged wine just in time for you to arrive?
In 20 minutes, yes. I rang ahead 14 years ago.
Do you want one as well? Oh, my lord.
God, this is heaven!
Mmm, doesn't that look good? That looks amazing. What does the whisky taste like?
It tastes very rich, and you get a certain intense sense of the wine it was casked in.
Musty?
Not at all, no. Dark? Like a sweaty man coming out of a gym? No, it's not musty.
I'm just thinking of the flavour of type, the deep, interesting scent of Rory.
It doesn't smell of... It is ruddy, you've got to admit it is ruddy.
It's not peaty or medicinal, is it?
It's smoother, vanilla, more sort of sulphury.
It's strong, like you, Rory.
It's strong like me, it's bright red like me. Slightly out of control...
God, that's good.
That's really good. We're in heaven.
I still think I'd prefer to have the actual Pinot Noir rather than the whisky. With the lamb, yeah.
After a day's steaming, we make it to Craobh Haven.
Next morning, there's an race, a leg of the West Highland Yachting Week.
We need to go ashore to sign in,
and this seems to be a more elaborate procedure than we had expected.
Yeah! Thank you very much, everyone.
Very nice. Great drummer. That's never not embarrassing, yeah?
I think we've come to the wrong place.
God, imagine if we have.
Imagine them going, "This isn't Alan Titschmarch".
Well, what a surprise.
All I can say is we'd better win the race after that.
Perhaps, Griff, it's more sensible not to win.
Next morning, Griff was up and about early,
eyeing up the competition with Ross,
whose boat we would be borrowing for the race.
Our main job is just to look good on the water, I think.
Oh, dear, don't tell the others that!
Do you understand how competitive they are? Until we get on board.
West Highland Yachting Week is one of Scotland's largest sailing events,
and we'd be up against 120 other yachts on a 17-mile sail up through the Firth of Lorne to Oban.
Something you should know, Ross. Griff is a very good sailor, Dara and I are completely incompetent.
No, you're not. Don't do yourself down. We do it once a year.
Once a year we get shouted at by you and taught the same things
we learned the year before but have forgotten.
The Truant was built on the Clyde in 1905 by William Fife, the Enzo Ferrari of boat builders.
Ross has spent years restoring it to its original condition, and now he's a worried man.
She's an exceptional yacht with an unexceptional crew.
OK, bear away, bear away, Griff.
Bearing a way. Mind this boat, mind this board.
At the start, it's a little bit hectic, but we mustn't cross the line before that gun sounds.
That's tight, that's tight, that's tight. Good stuff.
Do you know what's happening, Dara? No. No, I don't have an idea.
It's falling over, help me, somebody. Have you got the tiller?
And that's our gun, and we're off.
Keep an eye on this red bloke.
Yep, he's dead ahead, just on your port side.
We'll sail right by him, take his wind.
OK, we're the overtaking boat, then, yeah? Yes.
Just tell me if you want me to dip. Head on up, go above him, Griff...
Can we have subtitles for this section?
Watch your backs, mind your coat.
OK, we'll sit in here.
I'm not shouting at you, I'm just instructing, cos we've got this big red boat here and we've got...
"I'm not shouting at you, I'm just instructing you."
That's bad parenting in a nutshell.
The crucial part of the race is at the buoy,
where we have to make a sharp right turn to take us up the coast.
Which side do we lean on?
On the starboard side. OK.
It's said that whoever makes the turn first has the advantage,
and it seems that every other boat in our class knows this.
Round we go. Let's get to windward of all these boats. OK.
Pull it back towards you, pull it back towards you!
We're going, these guys, what are they doing? We need room!
We need room! We need room! We need room!
No, no, no, no, no, no, tack, tack, guys, come on.
Barely, barely, barely. I know, what are they doing?
An evil business, we have to launch a protest against these guys.
We should have stayed on our tack for longer, cleared all of them and then tacked.
The mistake we made was tacking into amongst them, and finding that the boat immediately to our...
downwind of us, or upwind of us, was... Not upwind, I mean, yeah, nearer the mark,
actually had not tacked, had just stayed on their course.
Then when we tried to overcome that we found we had this big green bastard who'd come in and tacked on.
Now he was the one who shouldn't have done that.
What Griff is saying, in a nutshell is, it wasn't his fault.
Yeah. basically, all you should take from that is "big green bastard".
No, it was my fault, I accept it was my error to tack too soon.
By the way, this is the way Griff talks all the time on these trips.
We actually just stop listening.
Once out in open water, all we can do is find the wind and bomb on up the coast as fast as we can.
There's a lot of water coming over here.
Yeah, I used to sit there.
I used to sit there, where that ocean is now. Really?
It's going to be clean, isn't it?
One thing is sure, this is a hell of a way to see Scotland,
if you can actually take your eyes off the race.
I will say this for sailing races - it may be an endurance test,
but you do get to eat a sandwich and have a drink midway through. Yeah.
Jenson Button, does he have a drink half way round the track?
I don't think, in the pit, he stops to eat a sandwich, no.
I think he has a mini bar in his car, doesn't he?
During the race, several protests have already been lodged
with the race committee about our buoy incident,
so even at the end we'll have no idea what our final position is.
Standby to harden up.
Stand by. Start hardening up, start hardening.
In fact, the finish line itself is a little bit confusing.
Harden!
That's us, Griff. Is it?
Hooray! Hip hip, hooray!
Hey, we've finished, that's us?
Finished, that's it?! Yes, I thought the finish was... I've just done a....
You know what? Your speech was longer than the instructions for the finish...
Oh! There's my racing hat gone. He raised his hat to the finish.
The ending came very suddenly, cos we all thought the ending was further along.
But then someone went... HE MIMICS HORN
and we went, "Oh, it's over".
That's how yacht races end, a man goes... HE MIMICS HORN
..and then you just stop.
Next time, our journey continues north...
..Testing our sailing skills...
She's caught on something. I can hear it ripping.
..Our fishing skills...
I've got it, I'm on.
..And Rory's skills at blagging yet more free whisky.
We get more remote, and the boat becomes more crowded - three men become four.
I feel like I'm a pawn in a game here.
I'm being drawn into a maelstrom of bitchiness and gossip.
But hang on, Griff, what about the race? Where did we come in the race?
Which class were we in? Class seven, we were Class 7.
That's four, five, seven...
Second!
Ha-ha! We'll take that.
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