1 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:10,840 This year, three men are going to one of the most spectacular, 2 00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:16,440 the most beautiful and the most exciting places to sail in the world. 3 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:21,120 Or at least that's what it says in Sail Scotland, the Scottish Tourist Board pamphlet. 4 00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:26,760 The spray is pretty bad here. There's spray in my eyes. 5 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,360 It's a speedboat! We're almost there anyway. 6 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:32,640 It's not clever. We're almost at Auchinleck House. 7 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:36,920 It's great to have a place where you can bring the boat straight to, isn't it? It is. 8 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:38,600 Are you going to moor it up here, then? 9 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:41,360 Yeah, I will, I'll probably tie it off. 10 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:43,400 Mayday, Mayday. Mayday. 11 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:47,240 Mayday. Dara's driving - Mayday. 12 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:48,960 Oh, that is choppy, isn't it? 13 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:52,760 'We're taking the longest journey we've ever attempted - to explore 14 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:55,400 'the Western Isles of Scotland.' 15 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:59,880 Yeah, this is your standard day in a boat, really, to be honest. 16 00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:05,320 'And on our trip, we stumble into a sea anomaly that nearly kills us.' 17 00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,920 'We go native.' 18 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:11,840 Ah...! The viewers aren't ready for that. The very idea! 19 00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:14,240 'Griff and Dara end up having a Highland fling.' 20 00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:21,280 Griff is the most competitive man in the universe. 21 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:24,320 'We'll be steaming...sailing...' 22 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:25,800 Stand by harden up. 23 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,120 HE MOUTHS 24 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,560 '..rowing...' 25 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:32,160 I havnae got the stamina for it! Think of the money, Griff! Come on! 26 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:36,240 '..and mooching about the remotest parts of the British Isles.' 27 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:39,880 I couldn't last an hour living out here before I'd go stark raving mad. 28 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:42,720 I'd be wondering around the heather naked, 29 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:44,840 clutching a dead rabbit and a whisky bottle. 30 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:51,040 Urgh! I'm not eating this now! 31 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:03,000 'So far, in Three Men And A Boat, we've sailed on my own yacht - badly.' 32 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:06,920 'Rory's nearly killed us in his Cornish home waters - twice.' 33 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:08,880 Whoa! 34 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:12,360 'And Dara ended up in a paddy when we traipsed around Ireland.' 35 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,480 Top of the morning to you! 36 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,600 'With none of us having any connection whatsoever with Scotland, 37 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:25,560 'we decided we needed some inspiration from some people who've actually done this trip... 38 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,480 'albeit 200 years ago.' 39 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:31,760 Tell me what you know about this place, then. 40 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:36,640 This is the Auchinleck House. It's a house, it's in Auchinleck. 41 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:39,760 Yes. I think the name says it all, doesn't it? It doesn't say enough. 42 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,440 It's Boswell's house. 43 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:45,760 Boswell was Scottish. Yes. Johnson was English. 44 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:47,280 In fact, he was from Lichfield. 45 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:55,800 'In the 1700s, James Boswell was the Judith Chalmers of his day, famed for his travel writing 46 00:02:55,800 --> 00:03:02,320 'and his biography of the famous dictionary writer Dr Johnson, who became his best friend. 47 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:07,240 'And Auchinleck House near Glasgow was the Boswell family home.' 48 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,520 So what are we doing here anyway? 49 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,400 In the year... Griff. 50 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,000 Yeah? In the year... 51 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,640 I'm listening, yeah. 52 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:20,160 17... 73. ..73, Boswell and Johnson undertook 53 00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:26,320 a tour of the Western Isles, which is the old name for the... 54 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:30,040 Yeah. What a handy prop to have - a library full of Boswell's books. 55 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:33,840 A Tour Of The Hebrides With Samuel Johnson in 1773. 56 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:37,160 And we are going to recreate that - 57 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,520 backwards. 58 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:43,960 So our plan is to do our own tour of the Highlands and Islands, by heading up the west coast, 59 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:48,800 going to Crinan, Oban, isles of Mull, Skye and finally Harris, 60 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:52,640 where we'll try and catch the last week of the fly-fishing season. 61 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:59,320 What do you think about a 63-year-old man hanging around with a 33-year-old man? 62 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:03,280 Think of a 38-year-old man hanging around with two men in their mid-50s, 63 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:04,880 that's what I want to know. 64 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:10,720 Boswell was a drinker, apparently. 65 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:14,240 But he was worried about how much he drank, so he wrote it down. 66 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:19,240 How's that going to change anything? It just means he has to stop drinking while he writes it down. 67 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:23,080 The effort of holding a pen would stop him holding a second drink. 68 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:29,920 So, on Friday the 17th of October, seven pints of claret he had. 69 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:35,600 It's my intention to write down everything that I eat and drink on this trip in the manner of Boswell. 70 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:39,440 So we'll start...what have we had so far? Did you have any breakfast? 71 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:43,800 Yeah, for breakfast, I had... two bottles of Chardonnay, 72 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:47,400 two bottles of port, and a large rum and Coke. 73 00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:55,000 'To the north of Auchinleck House is Greenock on the Clyde. 74 00:04:55,000 --> 00:05:00,200 'Here, we're going to take advantage of the local transport service to get us on our way.' 75 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,560 Why is this a good way to travel? Somebody explain to me what we're doing. 76 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:05,920 Dr Johnson. I know what... 77 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:10,760 No, Johnson and Boswell, when they had to go and travel in the wilds, they reckoned 78 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:17,600 that travelling by sea was about three times as fast as travelling by land. OK. 79 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:19,720 So we're going to go a way which is... 80 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:23,680 six times as fast as travelling by land. 81 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,240 'Well, it is a boat of sorts.' 82 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:33,840 Wa-hey! 83 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:45,440 'This is scheduled seaplane service that runs daily, taking passengers all over the islands, 84 00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:49,600 'which we would hopefully and eventually discover by a real boat.' 85 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:55,600 Three men in a boat - we're not really... On a boat yet. 86 00:05:55,600 --> 00:06:00,280 We've not been on any boats. Well, we're on two boats now, for a short period. 87 00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:01,960 And then the boats lift off. 88 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:04,640 This feels like cheating...somehow. 89 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:09,280 'If Boswell and Johnson could have taken a seaplane, they would have done. 90 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:13,320 'And this one feels like it dates from their time. At least on take-off.' 91 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:17,320 I cannae get any more out of her, skipper! 92 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:31,400 Oh, fantastic! Oh, that is great, wow. 93 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,960 You feel like you're in a bombing run, don't you? 94 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:38,880 Like a Lancaster bomber coming in to drop a few bombs on west Glasgow. 95 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:41,880 Three men totally given up on boats now. 96 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:44,320 We'll never get back in a boat again. 97 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,200 Three men only loosely connected with a boat. 98 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:57,600 'We'll be touching done at the end of the Crinan Canal where our first proper boat is waiting for us. 99 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,760 'From there, we'll head up the coast to where we've been entered 100 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:04,600 'into a sailing race that will take us all the way to Oban, 101 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:07,760 'gateway - or doorstep - to the Highlands and Islands.' 102 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:11,960 From up here, you can see about 58 golf courses. 103 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,600 And a nudist colony over there. 104 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:21,280 And by the looks of it, the water's very cold. 105 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:33,880 There is a map, and we're trying to vaguely keep up with where we are, but frankly, 106 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:35,440 it's an unending tapestry 107 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:42,080 of incredibly beautiful rugged islands and hills and fish farms, and it's just stunning. 108 00:07:56,800 --> 00:08:02,600 'The Crinan Canal was finished in 1800 and was immediately dubbed the prettiest shortcut in Scotland. 109 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,920 'It was built so that commercial boats on the Clyde near Glasgow 110 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,200 'could get to the islands more quickly. 111 00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:10,560 'But not as quickly as us.' 112 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:33,800 'One such commercial boat was the Clyde puffer, that we were taking next. 113 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:39,320 'They were called puffers since they're steam-driven, and Vic 32 is one of the last ones still working. 114 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:43,240 'Since Griff has form on starting boats, he's offered to get her going. 115 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,080 'And I've come along to mock.' 116 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:46,800 Hi. Hello? Hello, Griff! 117 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:50,680 Hi. Can we come down? Yes, certainly. 118 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:55,480 You're very deep. Yeah, we are, yep, we're below the waterline. 119 00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:58,040 Nice to meet you, I'm Griff. How are you going, Griff, I'm Lyle. 120 00:08:58,040 --> 00:08:59,600 This is Dara. Hello, Dara. 121 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,280 Good to meet you, how are you? 122 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:03,120 Tell us about the engine, then. 123 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:08,240 Well, the boat was built in 1943 for the war effort. 124 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:11,800 It's a two-cylinder compound engine. Yeah. 125 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:14,680 It's 120 brake horsepower. 126 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:19,440 And it's condensing, so that means it reuses the steam 127 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:23,280 that it takes to power it - it converts it back to water. OK. 128 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:26,600 And can you just switch it on? No. 129 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,480 I guess not. 130 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:35,920 No, being steam, the first process is you've got to light the fire in the boiler to boil the water. 131 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:39,840 Right. And that a process that will take us 48 hours to do. 132 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,480 Just a minute - I think we'd better take a... 133 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:45,120 Yes, we are quite short on time. 134 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:50,440 'Yes, that's right, we're not going anywhere for two days. 135 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:56,800 'Nonetheless, we have to get the boiler going, and it all starts with a shovelful of oily rags.' 136 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,200 This is as complex as it gets? 137 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:02,680 Yes. You have to light a match. Make sure you light all the rags. 138 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:05,840 Jesus, why are you moving? 139 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:08,480 Just so you can light the other side! 140 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:10,480 Warn me! 141 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:13,800 Now what do we do, boss? Put them in there. Oh, yeah, OK. 142 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:19,400 And we introduce some fire to the British public. 143 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,240 Young people haven't seen actual fire in a long time. 144 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:27,680 'The boiler needs to be slowly fed with wood and then coal, whilst it starts.' 145 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:31,840 We think that watching that happen for two days mightn't be quite 146 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:36,520 as electric a piece of television as we are renowned for, so, yeah. 147 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,600 This show can be quite slow-moving at the best of times. 148 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:44,600 And we are a bit too lazy to stay up all night doing that. 149 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,240 We'll see you in two days' time. 150 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,240 We'll see you in two days' time. Perfect. Very good. 151 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:54,600 'So while Lyle looks after the boiler, we look after ourselves. 152 00:10:54,600 --> 00:11:01,240 'We hail a local taxi, a water taxi, and head west to the Isle of Jura.' 153 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:03,640 'The isle is famous for two things. 154 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:07,840 'It's the second most sparsely inhabited island, after Rhum, 155 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:11,120 'and they make whisky, which is different from rum.' 156 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:18,200 My plan is to visit this distillery, which is celebrating its 200th anniversary this year. 157 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,920 It was founded in 1810. You'll have a skalk, will you? 158 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:23,880 I'll have a skalk. I think we're a bit late for a skalk. 159 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:26,520 What's a skalk? It's a little glass of whisky. 160 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,960 Dr Johnson talks of it approvingly. 161 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:33,640 You wake yourself up in the morning with a wee dram and you have it with your breakfast. 162 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:38,720 It's connected to the Scots Gaelic word meaning "a kick in the head", apparently. 163 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:42,800 Really? Yeah. Do you need a kick in the head, Rory? 164 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,720 Would you like a kick in the head? I'll let you decide. 165 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:50,240 I'd imagine most of the lady waiting staff would happily give you a kick in the head. 166 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:55,760 200 years ago, Jura's population was 1,000. 167 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:58,080 But, in common with much of the Highlands, 168 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:01,280 people were cleared to make way for the more profitable sheep. 169 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,840 And another Highland beastie which now outnumbers the locals. 170 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:11,000 How many people on Jura? There are 189 people on Jura and 5,000 sheep. 171 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,080 No, deer. 172 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:16,360 You'll see a lot of venison on the menus here. 173 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:20,080 But we're not going to see the deer - shall we go and see the sheep? 174 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:23,600 Where are you going? Is it deer? I'm going to the distillery. OK. 175 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,600 Don't drink too much, Rory. 176 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,160 Don't shag too many sheep. 177 00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:34,720 Jura used to be owned by just one clan. The Campbells. 178 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:36,720 Nowadays it's split into six estates, 179 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,040 the largest being the Ardfin estate, 180 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:42,880 which covers most of the south of the island. It's up for sale. 181 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:46,760 What I'm looking around me here, those hills, this is all... 182 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:49,720 To the left and right, everything you can see on Jura is Ardfin estate. 183 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:52,440 And are people nervous about who's going to buy it? 184 00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:56,640 I guess, in a way, because you get used to the same owners, 185 00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:59,480 and Ardfin estate have been good owners to the island. 186 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:01,240 They have been very helpful. 187 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,040 If you're interested, by the way, 188 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:07,280 it would help if you had £3.5 million, and an interest in hairy cows. 189 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:18,840 So, whilst Rory goes for his kick in the head, we opted for a kick in the crotch. 190 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:22,280 We are going to help with the seasonal task of sheep shearing. 191 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:28,800 I like the way the sheep are being pulled out to greet us. 192 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:33,520 I'm looking forward to seeing you doing this, but I just know that the camera will pull away, 193 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,920 and I will just have sheep's blood all over me 194 00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:41,440 and I'll be, like, "I'm dreadfully, dreadfully sorry, I've killed your sheep." 195 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:45,440 Isn't this a skill you've always wanted? No! 196 00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:48,680 Of all the skills we've done, this is not a skill that... 197 00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:53,600 I can never see myself thinking, "Thank heavens I learned shearing that time." 198 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:57,040 In the middle of, somehow, you're just walking across the hills, one day, 199 00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,640 and you go, "I must shear a sheep!" 200 00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:02,440 I can't see any possible context in which I would be grateful. 201 00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:12,280 Meanwhile, I am much more interested in Jura's whisky, which is aged for a minimum of 10 years. 202 00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:16,600 Oh, what a smell that is. 203 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,920 It's cracking, isn't it? This is wonderful. 204 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:20,840 I'll have a pint, please! 205 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:28,320 Master distiller Willie Cochrane is experimenting with old casks, to add flavour. 206 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:33,720 Whisky straight from these is strong, at up to 65% alcohol. 207 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:38,160 This one here is a Pinot Noir, it's an ex Pinot Noir wine cask. 208 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:39,760 So this had red wine in it? Yes. 209 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:44,960 Screw it in... Now children, don't try this at home. 210 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:49,280 Put it in as far as you can get it. I've heard that before! 211 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,840 Yes. Well done, sir. 212 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:55,680 Left-handed as well. 213 00:14:55,680 --> 00:15:00,440 Very nice. I'm getting Pinot noir off that. What a coincidence! 214 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:02,680 What should I, how do I approach this? 215 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:05,120 Do I nose it first? I would nose it first. 216 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:10,240 Ah, fantastic. Is that what you mean by nosing? 217 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:18,600 Here goes. Do you have strong ideas, opinions, about whether you should dilute it, either ice or water, or... 218 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,520 No, it's a no-no. If you're drinking it without water, 219 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:27,880 which you're about to do, I would only take a little sip and let your saliva reduce the strength of it. 220 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:33,800 Yes, we like, is good, is good! I want, ja! 221 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,320 I'll take, I'll take it. 222 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,280 Pick him a good one now, David. 223 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,320 One that doesn't kick. 224 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,120 How do I do this? 225 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,520 Rest the sheep's head against your groin. 226 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:52,400 You actually are in communion with that animal. It is amazing. You and sheep are one. 227 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,920 Does the sheep bite? 228 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:58,480 No. Well, it could do, but... 229 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:01,240 Wait a minute, I don't like the disagreement here. 230 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:04,240 On the potential. It won't. 231 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,200 OK, you're going to come in here, 232 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:11,480 you're going to let the head drop down there. 233 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:16,120 Take your hand out of there. OK? 234 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:19,680 Can't we just leave it at this? 235 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:23,320 You look great, the way you look already. You don't need this. 236 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,240 Where am I going first? 237 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:30,360 I don't need any advice from you, Dara! 238 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,240 He's telling me how to do it. He won't do it himself! 239 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:37,400 I can't believe it. 240 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,240 I'm ready. Oh, OK. All right. Straight on. 241 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,240 Aim for my finger. 242 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:48,040 Right. Stop. And go back. 243 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:56,640 That's, that's good. Now, try and lift your hand a little, so that the point of the shear is on the skin. 244 00:16:56,640 --> 00:17:00,080 # I'm an old sheep shearer 245 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,040 # And I'm happy shearing sheep. # 246 00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:09,000 Not there, don't bite there! 247 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,840 There's a manoeuvre where you've got to turn that sheep around. 248 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:15,720 They haven't taught you that yet. I dread to think what position you are going to end up in. 249 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:18,080 Whoa! 250 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:21,600 Went off at once, the sheep went off, and the machine went off, 251 00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,840 I think we had better now leave the sheep. 252 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:25,360 I think the sheep picked its moment. 253 00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:31,920 And while the sheep was picking its moment, Rory has picked his favourite barrel. 254 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:35,600 What a great day's work this is, eh? 255 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:38,600 Yeah. How many bottles do we get out of this, then? 256 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,240 You'll get about 300. 257 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:41,840 300? 258 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:45,560 We'll just have to cope with 300. Do you think that'll do you? 259 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:49,000 Yeah! It's not just me. "It's not just me"! 260 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:54,040 Willie and the other 200 or so islanders are known as Diurachs, 261 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:57,160 proud of their island and their whisky. 262 00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:00,520 Before forcing me to leave he had a little surprise for me. 263 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:08,200 Because you're something special, we would like to make you an honourary master Diurach, 264 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:12,840 so I'd like to award you with this certificate 265 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:15,440 which we have here. 266 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:20,080 And you have signed it, you are now a master Diurach. 267 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:23,480 I am the first? You are the first Master Diurach. 268 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:25,160 That is, I am so honoured. 269 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,920 That is magnificent. 270 00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,040 I want to take a few bottles away with me. 271 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:35,800 How many are you allowed to take as Master Diurach number one? 272 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,680 Basically, as many as you can carry. 273 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:39,360 As many as I can carry? Yes. 274 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:42,120 OK, thanks for that challenge. OK. Yes? 275 00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:52,120 So, whilst Rory has nearly killed himself with freebies 276 00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:55,160 and I've nearly killed myself with a set of electric shears, 277 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:59,800 we all set off to nearly kill ourselves with some sightseeing. 278 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:06,960 Put me in the back of a really fast boat zipping over the water and I'll smile like an eight year-old. 279 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:10,440 Particularly on the way to the Corryvreckan Whirlpool, 280 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:15,720 a genuine whirlpool created by vortices and the formation of rocks around the islands. 281 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:20,360 I don't know what to expect, but everyone we say to that we're going to Corryvreckan goes, 282 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:27,080 "Oh. Corryvreckan." Apparently there's, like, a step in the water, there's danger, serpents. 283 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,960 It is like something out of one of those mappa mundi things, 284 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:34,520 where there's a whirlpool and there's like a giant tentacle coming out and grabbing boats in. 285 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:38,800 I've got the whole Jules Verne image in my head of what this is going to look like. 286 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:44,880 If it turns out it's just a small area of water swirling gently, I'll be enormously disappointed. 287 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:48,440 We've also been told that we have to get there by three 288 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:52,560 because apparently the whirlpool knocks off for the afternoon. 289 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:56,720 The whirlpool's on a pretty tight schedule and if we're not there by three, 290 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,120 it's going to go and whirl somewhere else. 291 00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:02,440 So that's where we're going to hammer down and hopefully, 292 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:05,680 we will be there before Mr Whirlpool finishes for the day. 293 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:12,160 And this is that stretch of water, described by the Royal Navy 294 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,720 as the most violent and dangerous in the UK. 295 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:22,920 George Orwell, who wrote 1984 whilst staying on Jura, nearly drowned by rowing too close. 296 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:32,640 Is that it there? That's the whirlpool? That's definitely whirling around. 297 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:37,280 But it doesn't look as if it's going to suck us up, does it? No, it doesn't. 298 00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:42,480 Do you know what? I don't think it's a whirlpool, I think it's just driving around in a circle. 299 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:52,800 Honestly. I get bigger waves in my local swimming pool, when they switch the wave machine on. 300 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:58,080 Perhaps the legendary Corryvreckan was having an off-day. 301 00:20:58,080 --> 00:20:59,600 It was quiet... 302 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,040 Look at this - up ahead. 303 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,520 ..Too quiet. 304 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:07,760 Griff, I'm not sure that's the best thing to say near a dangerous sea anomaly. 305 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:12,840 The whirlpool is angry with us! We've insulted the whirlpool! 306 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,240 Oh! 307 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:17,440 Argh! 308 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:32,560 Oh, man! 309 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:35,840 That'll teach us to slag off the whirlpool. 310 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:40,960 The gods were angry! We were just saying... That's so childish! 311 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:44,400 Just cos you didn't get a whirlpool you had to drown us! 312 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,800 Very, very disappointing whirlpool, wasn't it? 313 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:59,520 After a morning drinking Jura whisky that's just what you want, a solid wall of water breaking over you. 314 00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:02,240 Just perfect - perks you up a treat. 315 00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:07,520 Since we had inadvertently inflated our buoyancy aids, 316 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:12,960 captain Sandy decided to run us through the whirlpool. 317 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,200 One more time. 318 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,480 We're going for it again. 319 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:19,920 I've just hung my washing up. 320 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,600 Can we get off now? 321 00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:46,120 The puffer's boiler was still only halfway there, so our first night has been a gentle one. 322 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,520 Lovely cabin I'm in now. Right in the hold of the ship, 323 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:55,720 in the very bowels of VIC 32, 324 00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:59,600 which basically is just for storing all the stuff 325 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:04,240 they were taking out to the islands or the ships or whatever. 326 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:07,000 And now turned into these rather elegant cabins. 327 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:12,280 Very quiet because you don't hear any noise in a steamboat. 328 00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:15,880 The steam engine doesn't make any noise. It's fantastic. 329 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:23,560 In fact, it's so quiet, I have no difficulty hearing Rory McGrath snoring at all. 330 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:29,640 With another day to kill before the puffer can take us anywhere, another day trip was in order. 331 00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:33,720 Oban is a small town whose population triples in the holiday season, 332 00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:37,080 the main draw being its ferry terminal and easy access to the islands. 333 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:39,760 But, for Rory, the attraction lies elsewhere. 334 00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:49,000 Oban Distillery, the second oldest in Scotland after Glenturret in Crieff. 335 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:53,000 When Johnson and Boswell came to Oban, all it was was a distillery. 336 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:56,080 This was all it was. In fact, Oban exists because of this distillery. 337 00:23:56,080 --> 00:24:03,080 And it's built up to be, you know, the seafood capital of Scotland, Gateway to the islands... 338 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:06,040 But do you intend to start every morning with a trip to a distillery? 339 00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:08,880 The doctor said, "Rory, a distillery every day." 340 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:13,640 Really? And get it done by, before 10 o'clock. 341 00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:20,160 Brendan is the head of the distillery, and being an old hand at this now, I'm showing Dara the ropes. 342 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:25,720 That's a 10 year old, but it's cask strength, so 55, 56% alcohol. 343 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,920 I'm just going to give it a quick nose, Brendan. 344 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:32,120 How often do you drink whisky out of a jug? 345 00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:34,000 Daily. 346 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:37,240 Smell that. Sorry, "nose" that. 347 00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:40,880 It smells of whisky. Definitely. Distinct whisky smell. 348 00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:43,720 It smells of anger and regret. 349 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,720 Late nights in tears. Yeah, it does. 350 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:49,240 Smells of it, smells of "I miss my family." 351 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:52,480 "But she won't let me near the kids." That's what it smells like. 352 00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:59,000 Don't swirl it too much or you'll just get a rush of alcohol. 353 00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:06,720 Oh, Jesus. That's a great face! 354 00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:09,520 I tell you what, it's an honest face. 355 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:16,480 So, Johnson, in all his travels writes down everything he drinks and whisky is never mentioned. 356 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:20,680 Port, madeira, rum, sherry, red wine. 357 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,120 That's kind of before whisky became a legitimate business. 358 00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:27,800 Back then, whisky was, farmers would make it from leftover 359 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:29,760 barley that they couldn't feed. 360 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:33,040 It was just a way to make some more money... Was it legal? 361 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:37,640 No. It was all illicit. Was it like poitin? 362 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:39,280 It was still whisky. 363 00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:42,880 It was the same process. It was simply done out in fields, by rivers, 364 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,920 and they didn't pay tax on it, because they produced it illicitly. 365 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:50,200 The whisky they made then would taste almost identical to the whisky we make today, 366 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:54,160 when they had a good day, but there would be a real amount of inconsistency in what they produced. 367 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:56,800 Did they discover that American barrels were good, 368 00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,800 simply because somebody had to get barrels from somewhere? 369 00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:04,800 You made it in a field as quickly as you could, collected it in whatever material you had. 370 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,280 Some stuff they probably wouldn't even have put in anything, 371 00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:09,680 they'd have just sold it straightaway. And that was rough. 372 00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:20,280 Griff, meanwhile, is also looking at whisky at one of the tourist shops. 373 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:26,600 It's everywhere, the whisky. Look, this is a whisky shop here. 374 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:30,440 This is just the sort of Coca-Cola of the Highlands, whisky, really. 375 00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:34,920 It's just a great big marketing invention, a wonderful marketing invention, 376 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:40,840 as far as Scotland's concerned, cos making whisky keeps the entire islands and Highlands going, really. 377 00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:45,480 The actual whisky, the actual stuff, the bottle, the labelling, 378 00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:48,040 the stuff that goes in it only costs 15p. 379 00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:49,960 The rest of it is all tax. 380 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,560 The Government takes most of it in tax. 381 00:26:52,560 --> 00:27:00,120 Of course, I'm only talking as one who drank his allocation of whisky before the age of 30. 382 00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:02,520 So, I don't touch the stuff. 383 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:04,680 Actually, I have to say... 384 00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:09,840 thinking back, as a bit of a reformed toper, 385 00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:14,560 thinking back, I have to say that probably the most odious drink 386 00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:17,000 that you could ever drink was whisky. 387 00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:24,920 Except possibly a cup of Scottish coffee. No, no. It was lovely. 388 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:29,840 Just what we needed before going to the Kilmore Highland games. 389 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:36,800 We've long jumps and high jumps, hammer, wide hammer... Get hammered. 390 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:39,840 Weight over bar. What weight? 391 00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:44,800 I think anything that requires strength or ability, we should not do. 392 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,080 You think we should aim for skill? 393 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:52,440 Oh, wait a second. Caber. Yay. 394 00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:54,880 Haven't you tossed a caber at all? 395 00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:57,360 Yes, I'm a well known tosser around these parts. 396 00:27:57,360 --> 00:27:59,840 And how, is it easy? It is difficult. 397 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:04,320 It is the hardest thing. We would not be able to pick up, the three of us, one of the cabers they toss. 398 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:09,480 Really? Very, very heavy. There's a caber for 11-15 year olds. We'll do that one. OK. 399 00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:17,560 But, to actually take part in the Games, the rules state that you must be wearing Highland attire. 400 00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:20,480 Since none of us have much more than jeans and T-shirt, 401 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:24,080 and most of those are soaked through, thanks to a certain, vengeful tidal anomaly, 402 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:26,440 we head to the local tailors. 403 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:34,080 So this afternoon, we have to turn up completely as bogus Scotsmen. Definitely not that, definitely. 404 00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:38,960 What tartan would you recommend that we wore? To cause no trouble. We don't want to cause any... 405 00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:40,880 I will get you something that will suit you. 406 00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:42,720 Is that how much it costs? Yep. 407 00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:47,200 Let's just go sailing. It's cheaper! 408 00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:53,040 Honestly, you can get a full... 745 quid! 409 00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:55,040 Let's get kilted up then. Yes! 410 00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:57,160 In you come, sir. 411 00:28:57,640 --> 00:29:01,120 I'm impressed by the fact that the dressing room curtain is in a tartan. 412 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:04,640 It's a spare kilt for an extremely large person. 413 00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:08,280 Yes! Well, we have an extremely large person in there. 414 00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:13,920 "We've got nothing that fits you, except the changing room curtain." 415 00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:16,040 "We'll drape it around you, Rory!" 416 00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:20,480 Are you all right there? Assume the position! 417 00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:21,560 RORY GRUNTS 418 00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:24,640 I tell you the other thing, though, this suits Rory. 419 00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:29,720 He'll look good in this, because he has very shapely legs. Really?! 420 00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:33,280 Wait for it. We're talking about 20 years ago now, but he used to appear 421 00:29:33,280 --> 00:29:38,360 in these horrible, lemon-yellow, very skimpy little shorts cos he thought it excited waitresses. 422 00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:41,960 And when he returns, you'll be surprised by how shapely his legs are. 423 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:45,400 I'll look forward to it. I may be as out of shape as the rest of him is. 424 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:48,160 Excuse me. Watch yourself. 425 00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:51,080 That feel all right? Good. Good. 426 00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:53,920 Yeah! 427 00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:56,160 Fantastic. It looks like a bath towel. 428 00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:58,040 It is a bath towel. 429 00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:00,440 I just had a bath. 430 00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:05,720 And the shapely leg, Rory! 431 00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:07,120 It's a look, anyway. 432 00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:11,800 I don't think this is the right sporran for you. Let's go and look at some of the sporrans. 433 00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:13,080 This is what you need. 434 00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:14,720 It's a big, hairy one. 435 00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:19,000 This is, look, that's much more impressive. 436 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:22,200 There's a whole badger here! 437 00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:25,680 If you don't mind me saying so, sir, that's much more you. 438 00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:33,160 I don't really do hats well. 439 00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:36,840 You do that hat well. That's the best hat I've ever seen you in. 440 00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:38,720 It really suits you. 441 00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:40,960 # Donald, where's your troosers? # 442 00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:46,120 Oh, that's fantastic, it really suits you. 443 00:30:46,120 --> 00:30:47,360 Oh, wait, wait, wait. 444 00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:49,640 Don't do that! You're ruining it. 445 00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:50,800 Right, is that the... 446 00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:54,240 That's the native look. 447 00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:57,600 We don't want to... The viewers aren't ready for that! 448 00:30:57,600 --> 00:30:59,960 The very idea! That's how you got to wear it. 449 00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:02,320 That's nice. It creates its own eco-system. 450 00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:03,920 That's the correct way, yeah. 451 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:06,680 Is that the pregnancy timer here? 452 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,160 That's unfair. Coming from you, particularly. 453 00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:11,200 Ah, yeah. If I may say so. 454 00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:12,640 Griff, it's your turn. 455 00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:14,720 I'm going. Yeah, I'm going now. 456 00:31:18,720 --> 00:31:20,920 Needs to be nice and firm. 457 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:25,680 Ladies and gentlemen, would you welcome to the shop floor Mr Griff Rhys-McJones? 458 00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:28,320 Oh! Oh, fantastic. 459 00:31:28,320 --> 00:31:30,680 That works, I'd say. Yeah. 460 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:34,680 Are you...keckless, as we say in... Are you? 461 00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:37,160 No, I've got mine on. Me too. 462 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:41,000 Am I the only Celt here who's actually gone for this? 463 00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:44,920 The only genuinely, son of the soil, rugged highland... 464 00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:47,480 Now, Rory and I will. Join you. 465 00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:49,160 De-pant. You can, if you want. 466 00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:51,440 Go on, Rory. You just can do it, can you? 467 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:54,040 I would have put clean ones on, had I known! 468 00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:57,960 Not the first ones I found on the floor in the bedroom. 469 00:31:57,960 --> 00:32:01,120 Aye, Ladies, this is what you've been waiting for. 470 00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:05,920 It's too embarrassing to see this happening. 471 00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:08,920 Feels like like one of those girls on a binge in Nottingham. 472 00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:11,600 Pristine white... No, no, no. 473 00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:13,640 Rory, no comments, please. 474 00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:17,400 It's been the same pants for the past four days. 475 00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:19,760 Can we sniff them, at least? 476 00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:30,080 It's funny how the rough feel of the tartan... 477 00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:32,800 It's chafing you, Griff? Are you being chafed? 478 00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:36,120 Quite disturbing. I'm finding this very liberating. 479 00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:39,440 Not in a kind of karmic way. I'm actually genuinely enjoying it. 480 00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:41,720 Not quite used to it yet. 481 00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:45,680 BAGPIPE MUSIC 482 00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:53,920 The origins of the Highland Games are somewhat blurred, 483 00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:58,400 but one thing is for sure - that the modern resurgence is down to Queen Victoria 484 00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:03,080 and her promotion of all things Highland, including kilts, bagpipes, 485 00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:05,000 and people with ginger hair. 486 00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:08,320 Well, she was nearly successful. 487 00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:10,320 We are the only people wearing kilts! 488 00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:12,440 I thought you had to have a kilt to turn up. 489 00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:14,440 Trousers, trousers, trousers. 490 00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:17,920 Traditional Highland wear is this sort of plastic pac-a-mac. 491 00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:22,120 Are you beginning to feel it now? You don't feel the draught when you're in the shop. 492 00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:24,600 Is the commando backfiring on you? 493 00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:28,040 You get a certain sense of it over here. In the cold. 494 00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:35,120 The original games included events like twisting the legs off a cow. 495 00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:39,960 Unfortunately, nowadays more normal feats of strength are the main attraction. 496 00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:43,200 The Kilmore event is a wee, local affair. 497 00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:48,800 But some Scottish games attract 3,500 competitors - and double that in America. 498 00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:53,080 Do you go round the whole series of Highland Games and compete amongst yourselves? 499 00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:55,360 We travel all over Scotland. 500 00:33:55,360 --> 00:33:57,880 From the Borders right up to the top of Scotland. 501 00:33:57,880 --> 00:34:00,320 We go out on the islands, too. 502 00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:03,400 And as far flung, as well, as America. 503 00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:08,000 That's your summer gone, though is it? Used up? 504 00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:12,240 And then we go out, I was in Jakarta in Indonesia a few months back. 505 00:34:12,240 --> 00:34:14,240 And then we got out as far as Japan, too. 506 00:34:14,240 --> 00:34:16,600 And do you pull trucks along and things like that as well? 507 00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:18,840 Have done. I pulled a car this year. 508 00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:21,680 Pulling a few out of the mud today! 509 00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:25,560 Later on, you're doing the caber. That's the last event. 510 00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:29,200 And what's the skill in the caber? it's a different sort of skill, is it? 511 00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:30,880 It's the skill of flipping it over. 512 00:34:30,880 --> 00:34:33,600 You want it to land on 12 o'clock, right in front of you. 513 00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:38,600 So you have a back judge, a side judge, so if it doesn't go over, the side judge will give you the angle. 514 00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:45,640 While Griff makes his way around the Games, we have our own special event planned. 515 00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:50,800 And Griff doesn't know about it yet - even though he is the main attraction. 516 00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:54,400 There we are. Dara, does that read OK? Yeah, yeah. 517 00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:56,120 I can see that. Beat The Griff. 518 00:34:56,120 --> 00:34:57,880 A Rowing Race. 519 00:34:57,880 --> 00:35:00,800 I think it's a rowing race. Yeah. 520 00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:03,080 Might want to tighten that up a bit. 521 00:35:03,080 --> 00:35:05,800 Hang on. Look, Rory. Look. 522 00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:08,640 But that is actually taller than Griff is. 523 00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:11,240 Yeah, it is. It makes him look quite handsome, though. 524 00:35:11,240 --> 00:35:15,120 The weird thing is his eyes follow you around the tent. They do, yeah. 525 00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:17,840 Who wouldn't want to beat this in a rowing race? 526 00:35:17,840 --> 00:35:19,520 What, you mean that sort of smug Englishman? 527 00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:21,200 Yeah. Pretending to be Welsh. 528 00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:24,960 If the rowing race doesn't work, we can use him as the target for the hammer throwing. 529 00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:27,080 Great idea. OK, let's get the punters in. 530 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:37,000 I'm very conscious now, funnily. I know it's weird, isn't it? 531 00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:42,240 But I am conscious all the time that I'm not wearing any underpants! 532 00:35:42,240 --> 00:35:45,360 I expect Lindsay Lohan feels like this all day. 533 00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:53,920 Welcome to Beat The Griff. 534 00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:57,240 What's you previous rowing experience? Purely recreational. That'll do. 535 00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:03,840 If you saw someone like that as your opponent, 536 00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:06,520 a smug Englishman pretending to be Welsh? 537 00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:08,880 I'd be fairly confident I could beat him. 538 00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:14,400 Hello. Welcome to Beat The Griff. 539 00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:15,880 What do you have to do? 540 00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:17,360 THEY LAUGH 541 00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:20,280 How do I beat Griff? You don't, Griff, but... 542 00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:24,680 What do I do? Apparently, there's a rowing race being organised. Yes. 543 00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:26,680 You versus the pick of the Highlands. 544 00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:30,560 Yes. A load of people have signed up to try and beat you. Right-o. 545 00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:33,600 They've been really enthusiastic. The picture has helped. 546 00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:45,360 Can you beat that? Griff is having a toss at the moment. 547 00:36:45,360 --> 00:36:47,960 No, he's not. He's throwing a hammer. My mistake. 548 00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:50,400 The race is the last competition of the day, 549 00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:53,200 so, in the mean time, we have a go at the other events. 550 00:36:54,240 --> 00:36:57,280 OK. This is where you went. 551 00:36:57,280 --> 00:37:01,760 This is where you went, and this is where I went. Yeah. 552 00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:06,120 I'm not even attempting to compete, I'm just trying to spur him on, that all. 553 00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:08,920 Griff is the most competitive man in the universe. 554 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:19,840 Dara really looks like one of those guys, doesn't he? Ooh! 555 00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:23,760 It's that, is it? Yeah. That's it, is it? That's it, yeah. 556 00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:25,960 I need a go on this. 557 00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:29,000 I definitely need a go on this. There's no need to be coy. 558 00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:35,960 Dara needs an opponent. Clearly Griff's not built for these kind of sports 559 00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:39,600 and, anyway, he needs to conserve his energy for the rowing. 560 00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:41,800 Something like that. 561 00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:44,120 And the big fellows look a bit big. 562 00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:48,600 Luckily, Dee, The Games' over-35 champion, is up for a bit of action. 563 00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:51,080 And what are we going to have on this wager then? 564 00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:53,720 Fiver. Fiver it is. OK. 565 00:37:53,720 --> 00:37:56,000 Well, I'll take side bets on this. 566 00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:57,960 You two get yourselves prepared. 567 00:37:57,960 --> 00:38:00,960 I've got to work The Games. 568 00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:05,800 It's as if he was born to this. 569 00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:08,520 He looks so authentic. 570 00:38:08,520 --> 00:38:11,120 Not bad, Dara! That's really, really bad. 571 00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:13,400 A lot of practise, a lot of practise. 572 00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:17,040 That was rubbish. That was really bad. That was great. 573 00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:19,560 Fantastic. Let the games commence. 574 00:38:19,560 --> 00:38:22,360 Hold the bit back, hold the bit back. 575 00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:29,080 She's good. She's good. 576 00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:31,520 I've got a tenner on you to win this. 577 00:38:31,520 --> 00:38:36,000 Really? But I only got 2-1 from the miserable, mean bookie. 578 00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:40,200 He's quite scroungey. Have you seen the amount of money in his sporran? 579 00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:42,320 Wads of it! 580 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:45,200 I tell you, if Dara gets good at this, we're not going to see him again. 581 00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:48,880 He's going to be off across the Highlands for the rest of the summer, appearing. 582 00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:51,840 Probably more money than stand up in it. 583 00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:53,600 Nice big twirl, Dara. 584 00:38:53,600 --> 00:38:55,720 Nice big twirl. 585 00:38:55,720 --> 00:38:57,760 Jesus Christ! Yes! 586 00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:11,160 Ooh, it's close! 587 00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:15,480 That's tight. 588 00:39:15,480 --> 00:39:17,840 I'm genuinely quite nervous now. 589 00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:19,280 Good luck, Dara. 590 00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:29,400 20 quid, Dara. 591 00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:34,320 This is for Ireland. 592 00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:50,360 Go on! Go on! 593 00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:54,520 Oh, no. Not as good. It's all to play for. 594 00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:57,200 Where does he get that strength in his wrists from? 595 00:39:58,240 --> 00:40:00,200 No. Didn't get any further. 596 00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:02,920 That's shattering. The last one wasn't good at all. 597 00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:05,800 I've given her a window of opportunity. It's that tight. 598 00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:15,920 Well, maybe. 599 00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:21,440 Dara has only thrown half the distance that a professional could achieve, 600 00:40:21,440 --> 00:40:26,680 but nonetheless the final result is too close to call and the measure is out. 601 00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:27,880 First Dara's throw... 602 00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:33,440 ..then Dee's. Wait a minute! 603 00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:37,280 Wait a minute! And Dee has friends in the right places. 604 00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:41,400 All bets are off! 605 00:40:41,400 --> 00:40:44,320 Null and void. Bookie takes all, I'm afraid. 606 00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:47,040 Please, behave yourselves! 607 00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:51,760 Dara, it's yours. You've won! 608 00:40:51,760 --> 00:40:53,240 There's my competitor. 609 00:40:56,120 --> 00:41:00,600 It's never been seen on television before - Griff handing over money. 610 00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:02,520 I've got this the wrong way round. 611 00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:05,960 I was... I was only taking bets on Dee. 612 00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:11,800 There's your original stake. There's the original stake, plus the 20. 613 00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:13,640 Yeah, OK. All right. You see? 614 00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:18,320 Out of all of those who signed up for the Beat The Griff Race, we now have to pick a likely contender. 615 00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:22,800 We had a discussion and we decided that Angus is the man. 616 00:41:22,800 --> 00:41:25,200 What I want to do, just to make it... 617 00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:29,400 Put your knickers on. No, no. I'm happy about rowing with no pants on. 618 00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:34,560 Remember this morning you were talking about tartan and everything? 619 00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:37,080 He's a guy called Angus Scott, in a pair of jeans. 620 00:41:37,080 --> 00:41:41,080 You, Griff Rhys Jones, are the one dressed head to toe in tartan and tweed. Hold my hat. 621 00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:45,120 Angus, you're representing Scotland now. Come on, Angus. 622 00:41:45,120 --> 00:41:48,240 You're there Andy Murray of rowing. 623 00:41:48,240 --> 00:41:52,960 Without even looking now, I'll go for Angus. I'm going for Griff. OK. How much? Are you giving odds? 624 00:41:52,960 --> 00:41:55,240 50-50. We'll do straight evens. 625 00:41:55,240 --> 00:41:57,800 25 quid. 25 quid? 626 00:41:57,800 --> 00:42:00,320 Don't you owe me 25 quid? I won't at the end of this! 627 00:42:00,320 --> 00:42:03,760 On your marks, get set, go! 628 00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:08,200 Come on, Angus! 629 00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:12,560 Griff! Griff! 630 00:42:12,560 --> 00:42:17,800 It's a simple course - from the shore, around the white buoy and back again. 631 00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:19,280 Oh, God! 632 00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:24,320 I havenae got the stamina for it! 633 00:42:25,440 --> 00:42:27,760 Come on, Angus. 634 00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:30,600 Straight! Straight! Straight! 635 00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:33,800 Did we pick a guy who's never rode a boat before in his life? 636 00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:40,120 The 50-year-old man is taking great pleasure in beating the 17-year-old. 637 00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:50,720 Drama. Griff has lost one of his rowlocks. 638 00:42:50,720 --> 00:42:54,120 The rowlocks, by the way, other small things that the oars sit in. 639 00:42:54,120 --> 00:42:56,600 Shame on you if you thought anything different. 640 00:42:56,600 --> 00:42:59,320 Oh, he's lost an oar. This is genuinely tense. 641 00:42:59,320 --> 00:43:02,080 What's he doing? They're going to hit each other. 642 00:43:03,320 --> 00:43:05,760 OK, Right, right, right! 643 00:43:05,760 --> 00:43:09,160 Griff has got no thought in his head of my 25 quid, at all. 644 00:43:11,560 --> 00:43:17,520 I just lost my thing there. Griff, that's it. Back! 645 00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:25,400 Come on, Angus! Griff, come on! 646 00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:28,840 Come on, Angus! 647 00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:33,960 Think of my money, Griff! 648 00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:42,080 Poor Angus. Humiliated on national television by a Welshman in a skirt. 649 00:43:42,080 --> 00:43:44,720 Superior technique is winning out. 650 00:43:44,720 --> 00:43:47,360 Correction. A cheating Welshman in a skirt. 651 00:43:47,360 --> 00:43:50,320 Angus, come over here. 652 00:43:50,320 --> 00:43:51,840 Come over here, man. 653 00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:58,880 Come here because, look. I've got a little secret to let you into, Angus. 654 00:43:58,880 --> 00:44:00,760 Lift up that boat. 655 00:44:01,880 --> 00:44:06,320 That's half the weight of your boat. I'm sorry about that. 656 00:44:06,320 --> 00:44:09,360 When you go in a rowing race, go down and check both boats 657 00:44:09,360 --> 00:44:14,200 cos one of them is a good deal lighter than the other one. One's got an engine on the back as well. 658 00:44:15,800 --> 00:44:19,280 Well done. OK. And the next! 659 00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:20,920 My boy. 660 00:44:20,920 --> 00:44:23,760 My boy Griff! I knew you wouldn't want to lose. 661 00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:31,280 And finally the old boiler has warmed up and is ready to let off a bit of steam. 662 00:44:31,280 --> 00:44:34,080 Not Griff, but the Vic 32. 663 00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:38,040 Aw. We've had to return the Highland gear to the hire shop, 664 00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:40,480 although it definitely tickled our fancies. 665 00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:44,560 Just to be clear, the puffer will take us on to where we meet our next boat, a yacht, 666 00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:47,720 which is entered into a race that will take us all the way to Oban. 667 00:44:47,720 --> 00:44:50,720 Should we go and see Nick the captain? Where are we going? 668 00:44:50,720 --> 00:44:53,360 Are we joining a race? We're not racing on this! Hello? 669 00:44:55,280 --> 00:44:57,440 Permission to come aboard? 670 00:44:57,440 --> 00:44:58,560 Too late, we're on. 671 00:44:58,560 --> 00:45:03,440 Griff may have a history of taking the helm, but Rory has a reputation of crashing boats. 672 00:45:03,440 --> 00:45:05,920 Somebody should warn Captain Nick. 673 00:45:11,280 --> 00:45:15,080 How annoyed will Griff be if he finds out I'm actually steering this boat? 674 00:45:15,080 --> 00:45:18,480 You can all take turns. I know but... 675 00:45:18,480 --> 00:45:20,760 He gets upset? Yeah. 676 00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:23,920 Gently. Gently now. Come to port. 677 00:45:23,920 --> 00:45:27,280 We're about to hit a yacht. 678 00:45:27,280 --> 00:45:28,920 Do you want to hit the yacht or not, Nick? 679 00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:32,440 No. The insurance company might be upset. OK. 680 00:45:32,440 --> 00:45:34,000 But good fun, anyway? 681 00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:35,880 Well, adds excitement to life. 682 00:45:43,640 --> 00:45:47,560 The strange thing about being on a steamboat is how quiet it is. 683 00:45:47,560 --> 00:45:49,480 But also, how much hard work. 684 00:45:49,480 --> 00:45:53,400 It's 20 shovels of coal every 20 minutes. 685 00:45:54,520 --> 00:45:55,640 Lovely! 686 00:46:00,920 --> 00:46:07,960 Dara...is there anybody there? 687 00:46:07,960 --> 00:46:10,560 I can hear you, Rory. Can you hear me? 688 00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:13,920 'I can hear you so clearly. It's amazing, this, isn't it?' 689 00:46:13,920 --> 00:46:17,400 It's incredible. You'd think we were almost in the same room. 690 00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:20,000 Well, I can actually see you. 691 00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:23,680 You can see me?! You really are good at this tube thing, aren't you? 692 00:46:23,680 --> 00:46:26,000 Here's a question for you, Dara. 693 00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:28,160 Guess who is steering the ship? 694 00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:32,480 Oh, shut up! I'm only taking over because you're speaking down the phone. 695 00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:37,200 He's not barking instructions. Well, he is, but just leave the word "instructions" off the end of that. 696 00:46:37,200 --> 00:46:38,760 'Do you want us to put more coal on?' 697 00:46:38,760 --> 00:46:41,760 'I tell you what, Dara. A little treat for you.' Yes? 698 00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:44,760 'Hold your hand out. I'm going to drop a little sweetie down for you.' 699 00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:46,360 Oh! 700 00:46:47,440 --> 00:46:49,400 Hey! 701 00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:52,920 'And if you're a good boy you can have another one.' 702 00:46:52,920 --> 00:46:54,960 Thank you very much, it's a cough sweet. 703 00:46:56,480 --> 00:46:58,720 Nice, nice work, my friend. 704 00:47:07,080 --> 00:47:10,720 HORN TOOTS 705 00:47:10,720 --> 00:47:12,480 That's nice, that was nice. 706 00:47:12,480 --> 00:47:14,160 The other one as well. 707 00:47:14,160 --> 00:47:16,120 HORN TOOTS 708 00:47:16,120 --> 00:47:17,200 That's a good noise. 709 00:47:17,200 --> 00:47:19,800 HORN TOOTS 710 00:47:23,880 --> 00:47:28,120 The coastguard will be saying, "Who's making sound signals in the Sound of Jura?". 711 00:47:38,320 --> 00:47:40,400 Well done. Hear, hear. 712 00:47:45,880 --> 00:47:48,240 This is a special treat for you, Dara. 713 00:47:48,240 --> 00:47:54,160 In here we have, I think it's a 14 year-old Jura, 714 00:47:54,160 --> 00:47:57,640 which has been aged in a Pinot Noir... 715 00:47:57,640 --> 00:48:01,680 Having played out all our childhood fantasies about wrecking a steamboat, 716 00:48:01,680 --> 00:48:06,480 it was time to tuck in to the free food and drink we'd managed to blag so far - 717 00:48:06,480 --> 00:48:09,600 lamb from the estate, and whisky from the distillery. 718 00:48:09,600 --> 00:48:14,840 They managed to whip up 14-year aged wine just in time for you to arrive? 719 00:48:14,840 --> 00:48:17,920 In 20 minutes, yes. I rang ahead 14 years ago. 720 00:48:17,920 --> 00:48:20,720 Do you want one as well? Oh, my lord. 721 00:48:22,600 --> 00:48:24,440 God, this is heaven! 722 00:48:24,440 --> 00:48:28,680 Mmm, doesn't that look good? That looks amazing. What does the whisky taste like? 723 00:48:28,680 --> 00:48:34,240 It tastes very rich, and you get a certain intense sense of the wine it was casked in. 724 00:48:34,240 --> 00:48:35,640 Musty? 725 00:48:35,640 --> 00:48:39,560 Not at all, no. Dark? Like a sweaty man coming out of a gym? No, it's not musty. 726 00:48:39,560 --> 00:48:45,000 I'm just thinking of the flavour of type, the deep, interesting scent of Rory. 727 00:48:45,000 --> 00:48:48,640 It doesn't smell of... It is ruddy, you've got to admit it is ruddy. 728 00:48:48,640 --> 00:48:51,240 It's not peaty or medicinal, is it? 729 00:48:51,240 --> 00:48:53,680 It's smoother, vanilla, more sort of sulphury. 730 00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:55,440 It's strong, like you, Rory. 731 00:48:55,440 --> 00:48:59,560 It's strong like me, it's bright red like me. Slightly out of control... 732 00:48:59,560 --> 00:49:01,800 God, that's good. 733 00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:04,640 That's really good. We're in heaven. 734 00:49:06,720 --> 00:49:12,240 I still think I'd prefer to have the actual Pinot Noir rather than the whisky. With the lamb, yeah. 735 00:49:17,120 --> 00:49:21,200 After a day's steaming, we make it to Craobh Haven. 736 00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:26,000 Next morning, there's an race, a leg of the West Highland Yachting Week. 737 00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:28,880 We need to go ashore to sign in, 738 00:49:28,880 --> 00:49:33,560 and this seems to be a more elaborate procedure than we had expected. 739 00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:41,920 Yeah! Thank you very much, everyone. 740 00:49:56,080 --> 00:50:00,400 Very nice. Great drummer. That's never not embarrassing, yeah? 741 00:50:00,400 --> 00:50:02,520 I think we've come to the wrong place. 742 00:50:02,520 --> 00:50:04,280 God, imagine if we have. 743 00:50:04,280 --> 00:50:06,920 Imagine them going, "This isn't Alan Titschmarch". 744 00:50:08,840 --> 00:50:10,560 Well, what a surprise. 745 00:50:10,560 --> 00:50:14,320 All I can say is we'd better win the race after that. 746 00:50:14,320 --> 00:50:17,560 Perhaps, Griff, it's more sensible not to win. 747 00:50:26,000 --> 00:50:29,000 Next morning, Griff was up and about early, 748 00:50:29,000 --> 00:50:31,000 eyeing up the competition with Ross, 749 00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:33,840 whose boat we would be borrowing for the race. 750 00:50:33,840 --> 00:50:36,680 Our main job is just to look good on the water, I think. 751 00:50:36,680 --> 00:50:38,680 Oh, dear, don't tell the others that! 752 00:50:38,680 --> 00:50:42,200 Do you understand how competitive they are? Until we get on board. 753 00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:46,360 West Highland Yachting Week is one of Scotland's largest sailing events, 754 00:50:46,360 --> 00:50:54,400 and we'd be up against 120 other yachts on a 17-mile sail up through the Firth of Lorne to Oban. 755 00:50:56,280 --> 00:51:01,400 Something you should know, Ross. Griff is a very good sailor, Dara and I are completely incompetent. 756 00:51:01,400 --> 00:51:04,520 No, you're not. Don't do yourself down. We do it once a year. 757 00:51:04,520 --> 00:51:07,440 Once a year we get shouted at by you and taught the same things 758 00:51:07,440 --> 00:51:09,600 we learned the year before but have forgotten. 759 00:51:10,760 --> 00:51:17,800 The Truant was built on the Clyde in 1905 by William Fife, the Enzo Ferrari of boat builders. 760 00:51:17,800 --> 00:51:23,720 Ross has spent years restoring it to its original condition, and now he's a worried man. 761 00:51:23,720 --> 00:51:28,280 She's an exceptional yacht with an unexceptional crew. 762 00:51:28,280 --> 00:51:30,120 OK, bear away, bear away, Griff. 763 00:51:30,120 --> 00:51:32,760 Bearing a way. Mind this boat, mind this board. 764 00:51:32,760 --> 00:51:39,480 At the start, it's a little bit hectic, but we mustn't cross the line before that gun sounds. 765 00:51:39,480 --> 00:51:43,040 That's tight, that's tight, that's tight. Good stuff. 766 00:51:43,040 --> 00:51:45,920 Do you know what's happening, Dara? No. No, I don't have an idea. 767 00:51:45,920 --> 00:51:49,640 It's falling over, help me, somebody. Have you got the tiller? 768 00:51:51,240 --> 00:51:53,080 And that's our gun, and we're off. 769 00:52:13,360 --> 00:52:15,280 Keep an eye on this red bloke. 770 00:52:15,280 --> 00:52:18,160 Yep, he's dead ahead, just on your port side. 771 00:52:18,160 --> 00:52:20,160 We'll sail right by him, take his wind. 772 00:52:20,160 --> 00:52:22,720 OK, we're the overtaking boat, then, yeah? Yes. 773 00:52:22,720 --> 00:52:26,120 Just tell me if you want me to dip. Head on up, go above him, Griff... 774 00:52:26,120 --> 00:52:29,640 Can we have subtitles for this section? 775 00:52:29,640 --> 00:52:32,040 Watch your backs, mind your coat. 776 00:52:32,040 --> 00:52:34,360 OK, we'll sit in here. 777 00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:40,080 I'm not shouting at you, I'm just instructing, cos we've got this big red boat here and we've got... 778 00:52:40,080 --> 00:52:43,600 "I'm not shouting at you, I'm just instructing you." 779 00:52:43,600 --> 00:52:46,360 That's bad parenting in a nutshell. 780 00:52:53,000 --> 00:52:55,720 The crucial part of the race is at the buoy, 781 00:52:55,720 --> 00:52:59,200 where we have to make a sharp right turn to take us up the coast. 782 00:53:01,080 --> 00:53:02,760 Which side do we lean on? 783 00:53:02,760 --> 00:53:05,720 On the starboard side. OK. 784 00:53:05,720 --> 00:53:09,840 It's said that whoever makes the turn first has the advantage, 785 00:53:09,840 --> 00:53:13,360 and it seems that every other boat in our class knows this. 786 00:53:13,360 --> 00:53:17,280 Round we go. Let's get to windward of all these boats. OK. 787 00:53:17,280 --> 00:53:19,320 Pull it back towards you, pull it back towards you! 788 00:53:19,320 --> 00:53:23,200 We're going, these guys, what are they doing? We need room! 789 00:53:23,200 --> 00:53:26,600 We need room! We need room! We need room! 790 00:53:26,600 --> 00:53:32,160 No, no, no, no, no, no, tack, tack, guys, come on. 791 00:53:32,160 --> 00:53:37,160 Barely, barely, barely. I know, what are they doing? 792 00:53:37,160 --> 00:53:40,360 An evil business, we have to launch a protest against these guys. 793 00:53:42,600 --> 00:53:49,280 We should have stayed on our tack for longer, cleared all of them and then tacked. 794 00:53:49,280 --> 00:53:56,240 The mistake we made was tacking into amongst them, and finding that the boat immediately to our... 795 00:53:56,240 --> 00:54:02,600 downwind of us, or upwind of us, was... Not upwind, I mean, yeah, nearer the mark, 796 00:54:02,600 --> 00:54:06,840 actually had not tacked, had just stayed on their course. 797 00:54:06,840 --> 00:54:13,040 Then when we tried to overcome that we found we had this big green bastard who'd come in and tacked on. 798 00:54:13,040 --> 00:54:15,480 Now he was the one who shouldn't have done that. 799 00:54:15,480 --> 00:54:18,520 What Griff is saying, in a nutshell is, it wasn't his fault. 800 00:54:18,520 --> 00:54:22,400 Yeah. basically, all you should take from that is "big green bastard". 801 00:54:22,400 --> 00:54:26,600 No, it was my fault, I accept it was my error to tack too soon. 802 00:54:26,600 --> 00:54:30,400 By the way, this is the way Griff talks all the time on these trips. 803 00:54:30,400 --> 00:54:32,320 We actually just stop listening. 804 00:54:32,320 --> 00:54:38,720 Once out in open water, all we can do is find the wind and bomb on up the coast as fast as we can. 805 00:54:40,240 --> 00:54:42,360 There's a lot of water coming over here. 806 00:54:42,360 --> 00:54:44,520 Yeah, I used to sit there. 807 00:54:44,520 --> 00:54:47,320 I used to sit there, where that ocean is now. Really? 808 00:54:47,320 --> 00:54:48,960 It's going to be clean, isn't it? 809 00:54:51,480 --> 00:54:55,640 One thing is sure, this is a hell of a way to see Scotland, 810 00:54:55,640 --> 00:54:59,120 if you can actually take your eyes off the race. 811 00:54:59,120 --> 00:55:02,400 I will say this for sailing races - it may be an endurance test, 812 00:55:02,400 --> 00:55:05,880 but you do get to eat a sandwich and have a drink midway through. Yeah. 813 00:55:05,880 --> 00:55:09,080 Jenson Button, does he have a drink half way round the track? 814 00:55:09,080 --> 00:55:11,360 I don't think, in the pit, he stops to eat a sandwich, no. 815 00:55:11,360 --> 00:55:13,700 I think he has a mini bar in his car, doesn't he? 816 00:55:29,080 --> 00:55:32,520 During the race, several protests have already been lodged 817 00:55:32,520 --> 00:55:35,360 with the race committee about our buoy incident, 818 00:55:35,360 --> 00:55:39,400 so even at the end we'll have no idea what our final position is. 819 00:55:41,480 --> 00:55:43,320 Standby to harden up. 820 00:55:43,320 --> 00:55:46,120 Stand by. Start hardening up, start hardening. 821 00:55:46,120 --> 00:55:50,480 In fact, the finish line itself is a little bit confusing. 822 00:55:52,680 --> 00:55:54,440 Harden! 823 00:55:54,440 --> 00:55:57,720 That's us, Griff. Is it? 824 00:55:57,720 --> 00:56:00,320 Hooray! Hip hip, hooray! 825 00:56:00,320 --> 00:56:03,080 Hey, we've finished, that's us? 826 00:56:03,080 --> 00:56:06,600 Finished, that's it?! Yes, I thought the finish was... I've just done a.... 827 00:56:06,600 --> 00:56:11,040 You know what? Your speech was longer than the instructions for the finish... 828 00:56:11,040 --> 00:56:16,080 Oh! There's my racing hat gone. He raised his hat to the finish. 829 00:56:22,560 --> 00:56:25,880 The ending came very suddenly, cos we all thought the ending was further along. 830 00:56:25,880 --> 00:56:27,960 But then someone went... HE MIMICS HORN 831 00:56:27,960 --> 00:56:29,560 and we went, "Oh, it's over". 832 00:56:29,560 --> 00:56:32,480 That's how yacht races end, a man goes... HE MIMICS HORN 833 00:56:32,480 --> 00:56:34,080 ..and then you just stop. 834 00:56:44,720 --> 00:56:47,840 Next time, our journey continues north... 835 00:56:47,840 --> 00:56:49,720 ..Testing our sailing skills... 836 00:56:49,720 --> 00:56:52,400 She's caught on something. I can hear it ripping. 837 00:56:52,400 --> 00:56:54,000 ..Our fishing skills... 838 00:56:54,000 --> 00:56:55,800 I've got it, I'm on. 839 00:56:55,800 --> 00:56:59,520 ..And Rory's skills at blagging yet more free whisky. 840 00:56:59,520 --> 00:57:05,320 We get more remote, and the boat becomes more crowded - three men become four. 841 00:57:05,320 --> 00:57:07,600 I feel like I'm a pawn in a game here. 842 00:57:07,600 --> 00:57:10,880 I'm being drawn into a maelstrom of bitchiness and gossip. 843 00:57:10,880 --> 00:57:15,880 But hang on, Griff, what about the race? Where did we come in the race? 844 00:57:15,880 --> 00:57:18,720 Which class were we in? Class seven, we were Class 7. 845 00:57:18,720 --> 00:57:21,160 That's four, five, seven... 846 00:57:21,160 --> 00:57:23,760 Second! 847 00:57:23,760 --> 00:57:25,880 Ha-ha! We'll take that. 848 00:57:27,120 --> 00:57:30,120 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 849 00:57:30,120 --> 00:57:33,160 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk