1
00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:05,240
Mini-breaks are 50 shades
of cray-cray.

2
00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:08,440
How can anyone be expected to go
somewhere new and enjoy themselves

3
00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:10,800
without at least a decade
to decompress?

4
00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:13,080
With no idea where to go,
what to do or how to eat,

5
00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:14,800
it's impossible to stop
the whole thing

6
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:16,400
turning into a monumental fudge-up.

7
00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,960
But do not unleash the raging
of various machines

8
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:21,760
for I, the missed opportunity
that is Richard Ayoade,

9
00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:24,480
am here to massively sort shiz out.

10
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:26,800
Forcibly chaperoned
by a televised face

11
00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:28,920
to give me the remote chance
of relatability,

12
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:32,320
I'm going to drag you howling
through an maxi mini break.

13
00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:33,360
Yep.

14
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:37,280
This is travel without mercy.

15
00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:41,280
Tonight, 48 hours in Germany's
uber-cool capital, Berlin,

16
00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:43,840
a city engulfed by history, culture,

17
00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:45,800
beer and sausage.

18
00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:47,040
GEARS SCRAPE

19
00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:50,400
Joining me on this Teutonic trial is
writer, comedian and stand-up person

20
00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,200
Roisin Conaty.

21
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,280
Just leaning here, guys.

22
00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:55,920
Together and individually,

23
00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:57,920
we will drive like Noddies...

24
00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:00,000
I could be the new Matt LeBlanc.

25
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,880
..bowl like Daniel Day-Lewis...

26
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:04,560
AS DANIEL PLAINVIEW:
I abandoned my child!

27
00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:08,240
..and breakfast like T'Pau.

28
00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:12,240
We're here but should we have come?

29
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:18,760
A two-hour flight to Berlin

30
00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,240
is the same price as a cab
from Peckham to Putney.

31
00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:23,280
Ludicrously overpriced.

32
00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:25,080
How was the flight for you?

33
00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:27,560
I didn't dribble or talk
in my sleep, you assured me.

34
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:30,040
Well, check Twitter.

35
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:32,400
That's all I can say.

36
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:36,320
So, Richard, why have you
brought me to Berlin?

37
00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:38,360
Well, thank goodness you asked
at this junction

38
00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:42,360
because we're literally about
to cut to the answer.

39
00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:44,480
Berlin's incident-crammed past

40
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:48,280
has seen it fragmented, divided
and, more recently, reunified.

41
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:51,120
It has also tirelessly supported
David Hasselhoff

42
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:53,280
as a musician and as a storyteller,

43
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:56,480
where many others were
writing him off as a spent force.

44
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:59,960
It is currently ranked as the
world's third most liveable city

45
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,080
and, if that entirely arbitrary
summation wasn't enough,

46
00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:07,080
127 tonnes of sausage is consumed
on these streets every day.

47
00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:14,880
A thrifty weekend in Berlin
can be had for just 134 GBP,

48
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:18,880
a figure we will exceed
because we are spoilt and greedy.

49
00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:22,960
And this consumerist pilgrimage
begins in earnest at this hotel

50
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:26,960
on the banks of the river Spree
in former East Berlin.

51
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,040
Wow. Wow.

52
00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:32,960
They have really committed
to a colour scheme here.

53
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:35,960
This reeks of a first draft.

54
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:39,800
And that view is... Just reminds me
of early Richard and Judy.

55
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,600
Why are you saying it
like it's a bad thing?

56
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,800
I'm not saying it as a bad thing.
They've got a lot to teach us still.

57
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,720
Hello. Welcome to nhow Berlin.

58
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:50,440
How do you say the name of the
hotel? It's nhow. Nhow Berlin.

59
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,160
You don't need that H.
You realise that?

60
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:55,360
No, we don't need the H.

61
00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:57,720
Announcing itself as a music hotel,

62
00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:00,560
the nhow offers two
recording studios,

63
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:03,760
open mic nights
and musical room service.

64
00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:05,280
Do you have any flutes?

65
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,320
You know, if you want to do
kind of folk rock.

66
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,240
No.

67
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,480
And the lifts have broken
themselves down into genres.

68
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:15,200
I say jazz. OK, let's go jazz.

69
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:16,800
Let's get some Mingus. Come on.

70
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:18,520
Oh, don't close on us, jazz.

71
00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:20,480
That's jazz. It's gone.
The moment's gone.

72
00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,640
Jazz is open again.
It's unpredictable, jazz.

73
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:26,640
You never know
what's going to happen.

74
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:31,960
Wow. It's like a spaceship

75
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:35,560
that Barbie's made.

76
00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:39,560
I mentally scan the 60 square metres
of my junior suite for trip hazards

77
00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:41,840
and make a note
of the slipper situation

78
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:45,840
before we bust out of the joint
for a city tour.

79
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,280
Because I like to travel
in confined spaces

80
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:51,320
with death hovering by my heels,

81
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:52,880
we head with studied alacrity

82
00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:55,680
towards the nearest
East German Trabant tour.

83
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,080
Don't blow our cover.
The guy's name is McGinty.

84
00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:01,560
We don't know who he is.
We just move the ice.

85
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:05,000
Hi. Hi. Hello, I'm Roisin.
How are you? Fine.

86
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,120
Please enter. I give you
a short instruction

87
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:10,320
how to use these old-timers. OK.

88
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:13,080
Were East Germans really small?

89
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:17,080
For £35 each, Arvid, a man whose
eyebrows cannot be contained,

90
00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,240
will lead us on his Trabi safari
round Berlin,

91
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:24,080
doling out spiel on a clutch
of the city's attractions.

92
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,040
Oh, here we go. I've lost power.

93
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,640
We're losing our own freedom!

94
00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,520
Imagine if this was your way out
of East Germany. No, I need to pull.

95
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:34,520
OK, we go to the right side.

96
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,280
Oh. I've got the hand brake on.

97
00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:37,960
Here we go.

98
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,200
Am I indicating?

99
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,360
I don't think we indicate here.

100
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,120
Wow, that's a wide turn.

101
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:45,160
You're doing well. I know.

102
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:48,080
I could be the new Matt LeBlanc.

103
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:51,000
It's when you see other motorists
look at you with pity

104
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:55,000
that you know you're
in an unsafe vehicle.

105
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,320
The Trabant's reputation
for unreliability

106
00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,720
will keep us alive
to the transience of life

107
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:02,320
during our punishing
sightseeing schedule.

108
00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:06,320
Oh, hello. Bumps.

109
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:10,120
Sorry about that.

110
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:13,200
So, we are going to pass
the Reichstag building.

111
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,880
This is the place where Adolf Hitler

112
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:18,880
became the German Chancellor
in January 1933.

113
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:23,160
Got to say, I'm still very...

114
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,760
..very so-so on Hitler.

115
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,160
The more I hear about him,

116
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,440
the less warmly I feel towards him.

117
00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:31,560
Turn left to the concert hall.

118
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:32,880
Concert hall.

119
00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:34,840
This is all their big, good stuff.

120
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,160
Oh, here we go.

121
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:38,360
We've stalled! We've stalled!

122
00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:40,040
Man down!

123
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,960
Here we go.
Don't let it stress you out.

124
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,080
You're doing a good job.

125
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:45,920
You're a natural at this. I mean...

126
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,880
ENGINE REVS

127
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:51,880
I've got a feeling
that something's not right.

128
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:56,680
Do I turn now? I'm going to do like
really apologetic hand waves.

129
00:05:56,680 --> 00:06:00,680
I'm still in first gear, by the way.

130
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,640
My confident motoring
powers us past the TV tower,

131
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,800
Victory Column and Brandenburg Gate

132
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:10,080
as pedestrians look on
with hushed reverence.

133
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,760
There's a famous landmark in town,

134
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,520
the last city gate.

135
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:18,520
We are the fallen!
Do you know it?

136
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,560
I don't even look in my mirrors

137
00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:23,240
because there's nothing I could do.

138
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:24,880
I just want death to come quick.

139
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,240
ENGINE REVS STRANGELY
Why is it doing that?

140
00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:29,880
I mean, that's not good.

141
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,840
You haven't got the handbrake on,
have you?

142
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:35,440
No.

143
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,960
Completely in command
of the vehicle...

144
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,080
That's a bad sound.

145
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:42,400
..we pull up at our
final destination,

146
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,800
the most famous border crossing
between West and East.

147
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,800
There's something not quite right
about taking a selfie

148
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,640
in front of Checkpoint Charlie...

149
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:53,000
Or the actors.
..with a selfie stick.

150
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:54,840
I feel we're showing
far greater deference

151
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:58,840
by going round in these Trabants.

152
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,560
Made it.

153
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,760
So, thank you so much.
I hope you enjoyed the tour.

154
00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:05,720
It was a pleasure for me.
Auf wiedersehen.

155
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:09,720
I'll see you tomorrow.
We'll do the same thing.

156
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,800
Although Berlin is the birthplace
of the doner kebab,

157
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,320
we instead idiotically decide
to book in

158
00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:19,880
for the Michelin-starred nosebag
at Nobelhart & Schmutzig.

159
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,960
I just hope someone doesn't open
the door wearing a codpiece.

160
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,880
Trying to counter
Germany's reputation

161
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:27,120
as a gastronomic
nicht-nicht district,

162
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:30,440
chef Micha Schafer
and restaurateur Billy Wagner

163
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:33,360
serve up a gruellingly thorough
ten-course tasting menu,

164
00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:37,000
so we don't have to squander crucial
seconds deciding on what to chomp.

165
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,400
You know, I always compare it
with a record.

166
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:43,080
It's much nicer to listen to an
album than only to several songs

167
00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:46,760
because you get much more an idea
what the artist wants to tell you

168
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:48,520
and it's the same with the chef.

169
00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:51,400
You obviously haven't heard
Kula Shaker.

170
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:52,680
Health. To your health.

171
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:53,920
And to endurance.

172
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:56,040
To endurance and to Berlin.

173
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:59,760
Every one of the ten courses
adheres to Billy's solemn manifesto

174
00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:01,920
of using seasonal food
so locally sourced

175
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:03,960
it has that have
the Berlin postcode.

176
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:07,200
He also flings out edicts
on how to consume the things.

177
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,720
Please eat it with your hands.

178
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,520
OK. OK. Enjoy.

179
00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:13,560
I wonder why you have to eat
this eel with your hands.

180
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:14,680
There's no reason.

181
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,360
Apart from Billy says so.

182
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:18,760
I get the feeling that he'd be upset

183
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,960
if we didn't use our hands.

184
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,480
But our hands aren't from Berlin.

185
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,720
I'm going to taste
my English fingers.

186
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:27,960
Ooh, that tastes like Berlin.

187
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:30,200
That's bloody local.

188
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:32,080
The brutal approach to sourcing

189
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:35,120
means many ubiquitous ingredients
are massively verboten.

190
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:36,720
What will you not serve?

191
00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:38,160
Chocolate. Vanilla.

192
00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:40,640
Lemon. Oranges. Olive oil.

193
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,520
I might try and cook
without something.

194
00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:44,920
What can I lose? Really push myself.

195
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,280
Star anise.

196
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:48,080
Could you cut that out?

197
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:52,080
I don't think I could.

198
00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:57,920
So this fish was catched yesterday.

199
00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,760
This is fresh as hell. OK. Enjoy.

200
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:02,760
Danke schon. Thank you very much.

201
00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:04,160
I'm still on the wooden knife.

202
00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:06,440
No, the wooden knife
is just for the butter.

203
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,320
Billy is going to throw a fit.

204
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:09,720
No!

205
00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:11,960
That is so inauthentic.

206
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,760
Don't tell Billy. Don't tell Billy!
We can't tell Billy.

207
00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:17,120
This is excellent.
All choice has been taken away.

208
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:19,560
This is basically
a hostage situation.

209
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:20,760
"Have this. Eat this.

210
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,000
"Use this knife. Use your hands."

211
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:26,280
But we know resistance
will be crushed.

212
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:27,840
This is excellent, Billy.

213
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:31,840
Thank you very much. Appreciate it.

214
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,760
Befuddled by rules
and pumped up on variety,

215
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:36,640
we wage war with course seven -

216
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:39,480
indigenous red cabbage and eel soup.

217
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:43,480
This may be where I part company
with the menu for the first time.

218
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,200
No.

219
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:48,080
You need to down it...

220
00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:50,920
..or you're going to wake up
with Billy over your head

221
00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:52,240
bawling,

222
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:55,600
dropping salty tears into your eyes.

223
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:59,120
"I locally sourced this, Roisin.

224
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:03,120
"Roisin, I locally sourced it."

225
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,160
Wow. I nearly did it.

226
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:06,960
I'm getting like the sweats.

227
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:10,520
Billy, how come this is allowed?
Because it's from Italy.

228
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:11,920
Absolutely. Roisin...

229
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:15,000
When we talk about regional stuff,
we talk about food-wise. OK.

230
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:19,000
Otherwise... Oh, my God.
..we only would serve beer and corn.

231
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,320
I see. I see. I see.

232
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,920
I'm absolutely dying. Thank you.

233
00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:24,880
Oh.

234
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,320
I had to ask.

235
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:28,440
Thank you.

236
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:30,000
This is hurting now.

237
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,920
It's actually hurting me.

238
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,560
How much more have we got?

239
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:36,480
We've got willow, quince
and carrots,

240
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:39,000
followed by quince, pollen
and grape seed oil.

241
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,360
Oh, they've really lost their minds.

242
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,160
As I strap on my reserve
extra large belt,

243
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:47,000
we ram down the first
of two local, excellent,

244
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,280
yet fatally dense deserts.

245
00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:52,080
OK, here it comes. Number ten.

246
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:56,080
I think ten courses is my limit.

247
00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:00,400
I think I'm tasting the future.

248
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,280
Wow.

249
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:03,800
Goodnight, Billy.

250
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:05,640
I think it's been amazing.

251
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:06,880
A great choice.

252
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,480
At last, some acknowledgement

253
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,640
of some of the management
of this trip.

254
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:14,720
Billy, I don't think I'm going
to be hungry for 48 hours.

255
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:17,440
This was excellent.
Really great. Really great.

256
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:20,920
I don't mean to be so crude as to
ask for the bill but we must go.

257
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:23,160
Thank you very much. Thank you.

258
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,680
Look at that. I mean, this...

259
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:29,680
Even that leather's locally sourced.

260
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,400
After such a colossal ingestion,

261
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,440
we need to see if our legs
still work.

262
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:36,880
Berlin is famed for its nightlife

263
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:39,320
but that's no reason to plunge
into severe depression

264
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:42,160
because it also contains
this vintage Kegelbahn.

265
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,160
Hidden in bar basements
all over Berlin,

266
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:45,880
the low-tech game
of nine-pin bowling

267
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:49,600
is having a welcome resurgence
thanks to people like Julian here.

268
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,440
How long has this game existed
in Germany?

269
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,400
I need a precise date.

270
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:58,400
OK, let's say 3rd December in 1169.

271
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,320
That was a great year for bowling.
Back in the 12th century.

272
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,440
Did they have disco lighting
as early as that? No.

273
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:05,920
First one to...

274
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,680
I mean, we could call it a day
after this one.

275
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:12,680
It looks like a drunk man
trying to get home.

276
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:14,240
You've got four.

277
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:17,240
This is going to make
great television, isn't it?

278
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:21,240
Let's have a look at this.

279
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,160
Uh-uh!

280
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:24,680
Wait.

281
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:26,080
Don't write it off yet.

282
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:28,240
Write it off now.

283
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:31,120
I plan on restaging the end of
There Will Be Blood in here.

284
00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:33,560
I'm going to try and do my
Daniel Day-Lewis impression.

285
00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:35,080
AS DANIEL PLAINVIEW: Eli!

286
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:36,640
Eli!

287
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,120
Eli!

288
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,320
That might work.

289
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:43,040
Here we go. Oh, my God. See? That's
all you needed, a bit of heart.

290
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:44,680
Just needed a bit of
Daniel Day-Lewis.

291
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:47,280
Just keep going. We're not leaving
until I get a strike. Do it.

292
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:49,520
We may miss the entire rest
of the trip. That's fine.

293
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,440
Come on. Focus in.
Stay in the zone. Focus in.

294
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,080
You're blocking me. Let's focus in.

295
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,800
OK. Here we go. Let's focus in.

296
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,840
Here we go.

297
00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,360
That is an eight.

298
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:02,880
Oh! I need a nine.

299
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,640
This is the one. Come on.

300
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,720
That's not the one.
It's two off the one.

301
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,840
Sensing an opportunity
to elevate the sport...

302
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:11,880
Come on.

303
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:14,320
..and add fresh layers
to my growing mythology,

304
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:15,960
I decide to play on solo,

305
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:19,880
my focus becoming Zen-like.

306
00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:22,720
My favourite bit
is you've stopped blinking.

307
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:26,120
I don't think you've blinked.
I don't know why you're talking

308
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,960
during such important matchplay.

309
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:31,960
Last one if it's a nine.

310
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:36,840
It's a five.

311
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:40,440
Here we go. This might be the one.
AS DANIEL PLAINVIEW: Eli!

312
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,000
Oh! He got it!

313
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,200
That's a nine.

314
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:44,560
I can't believe you got it.

315
00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:46,280
That's a nine, we can leave.

316
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,640
We can leave and we can rest.

317
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,240
And, now,

318
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,680
now you see how fun

319
00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:55,880
being with me can feel.

320
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,920
I haven't thrown a ball
in about an hour.

321
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,440
Don't make this about you.

322
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,360
Allow me my moment.

323
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:03,920
Well done. Thank you.

324
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,640
Bit late. Too late.

325
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,800
That hadn't been done
since the 14th century.

326
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,520
A nine.

327
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,960
With the Kegelbahn
a team-building triumph,

328
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,880
day one ends bestrewn with glory.

329
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:18,760
Let's go and find lots of people
to tell.

330
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:20,800
Coming up, we go East...

331
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,000
It looks like Coronation Street.

332
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,640
..and photograph our own faces.

333
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:34,000
I was trying to get my money back
in that one.

334
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,240
'We are midway through
our circumspect 48-hour

335
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:42,680
'schlep round Berlin.

336
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:45,360
'Thus far, we have carved up
the cobbles...'

337
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:46,880
Sorry about that.

338
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,680
'..distended our bellies...#

339
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,120
This is hurting now.

340
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:52,360
'..and created a new kind of hero.'

341
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:54,880
That hasn't been done
since the 14th century.

342
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:58,560
'Morning is broken at the music
hotel by a room service delivery

343
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,400
'containing a tower of brek,

344
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,320
'some synth, and a maroon axe.'

345
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,000
KNOCKING AT DOOR

346
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,520
HE SIGHS
Unbelievable.

347
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,520
'I've summoned Roisin to back me up

348
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:12,320
'as I start my morning exploration
of the fretboard.'

349
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,880
Hi, Roisin. Hey, Richard.
Good sleep?

350
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,800
Yeah, great sleep.
What is going on in here?

351
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,240
I was thinking of starting in G.
I've been waiting for four hours.

352
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,120
OK? Get going.

353
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,680
Get some salmon between
that crusty white bread.

354
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:28,280
Are we jamming? This is my first
ever jam. Let's just jam in G.

355
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,960
I imagine you've jammed loads,
right? Come on.

356
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,920
I was born in a jam.

357
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:36,920
You've got a good guitar face.
Thanks.

358
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,480
HE PLAYS A GUITAR SOLO

359
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:42,600
You look like you...

360
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:43,640
SHE LAUGHS

361
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:45,320
DRUMBEAT STARTS

362
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,920
HE PLAYS

363
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:52,920
That's it.
Any song that ends with this.

364
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:58,480
SHE LAUGHS

365
00:15:58,480 --> 00:15:59,680
SHE PLAYS THE KEYBOARD

366
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,040
See, we're in dialogue now. Yeah?
This is good.

367
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:05,200
I'm just going to put something
in between everything you say. OK.

368
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,800
Making my life like a blues story?
Yeah. OK.

369
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,280
So what happened this morning?

370
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:12,800
Woke up this morning.

371
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:15,160
Had to wash my hair.

372
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,200
Then I remembered!

373
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:20,040
Had to play the keyboards.

374
00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:22,520
And I might have lied
to the producers.

375
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,480
Said I was a bit better than I am.

376
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:28,080
I can't play at all.

377
00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:29,800
And now...

378
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:32,280
I've got...

379
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:34,480
..the blues shame.

380
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:37,480
SHE PLAYS THE KEYBOARD
No, you've gone Gary Numan. Have I?

381
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,000
That's not the blues.

382
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,680
OK, I've finished expressing myself.
We need to leave.

383
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:43,160
Come on. It's over.

384
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:45,240
I didn't get much of a go.
Here's a plectrum.

385
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:46,720
Bang, we're out.

386
00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:50,720
SHE LAUGHS

387
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:55,240
'After what is a new
and now documented nadir,

388
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:59,240
'we flee the scene and pound towards
what remains of the Berlin Wall.

389
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,640
'Built in 1961 to stop
East Germans fleeing west,

390
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:05,720
'it's now a tourist attraction.'

391
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,640
It's incredible.
Not a site of great happiness.

392
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:11,400
No, but they've kept it and turned
it into something positive,

393
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,680
I suppose. They've salvaged
something good. Yeah.

394
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:17,160
'The East Side Gallery,
or art mile,

395
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:21,160
'features 101 paintings commissioned
after the fall of the wall in 1989.'

396
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:24,800
No-one's chosen to commemorate

397
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:28,800
Hasselhoff's contribution
in any way.

398
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:33,200
'From the nearly 200 museums
to choose from,

399
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:37,120
'we selected the twice-nominated
European Museum Of The Year,

400
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:38,360
'the DDR,

401
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:42,080
'in which a bod can interactively
experience life as it used to be

402
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:46,080
'in what was the first
socialist state on German soil.'

403
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:48,760
Oh!

404
00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:51,320
I see why this museum
is so busy now.

405
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:55,320
Four out of five East Germans
regularly went swimming unattired.

406
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:56,880
That's a great stat.

407
00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:58,800
I'm not sure about the tennis nude.

408
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,160
That feels like it's just taking it
to another extreme.

409
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:03,080
That feels, a lot of stuff
was ungoverned.

410
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:04,240
SHE LAUGHS

411
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:06,480
'With much of life
under surveillance,

412
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:09,680
'the home became a palette
on which the self was writ.'

413
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:11,920
Looks like Coronation Street.

414
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:15,000
I don't watch that,
for political reasons.

415
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,760
Now, this I like -
easy access to the toilet.

416
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,720
There are normally doors there,
right? Not during this era.

417
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:23,680
I'd like to get back to this era.

418
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,720
I mean, this is ideal.

419
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:27,560
SHE LAUGHS

420
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,520
Homes Under The Hammer.

421
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:31,800
Deal or no deal? Are you sure
they didn't have doors?

422
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,360
Deal or no deal? Deal or no deal?

423
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:36,920
Deal!

424
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:39,280
And you're back. Sexual education?

425
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,360
Nothing I don't know.

426
00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:43,720
There's lots I don't know. Loads.

427
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:44,840
SHE GASPS

428
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:46,880
Oh, I'm just face-to-face
with a vagina.

429
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,360
Why is it up in that cupboard?
Is that standard issue?

430
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:51,720
That's where you keep the vaginas,
Richard.

431
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,280
OK, the kitchen's nice. It's good.

432
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:56,440
There's access through.
There's flow through.

433
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:59,000
It feels like we're a couple
and you're the laziest husband

434
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,560
looking at a house. Yeah.

435
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,080
OK, there's a cupboard in here
called Women's Day.

436
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:06,120
"At work, the comrade director
presented various hard-working women

437
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:09,440
"with medals and cash bonuses.
Everybody present thanked the party

438
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:12,400
"and state for achieving
gender equality.

439
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,280
"The afternoon was one long round
of coffee and cake.

440
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,360
"Not only did the men
serve the women,

441
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,080
"they even did the washing up!"

442
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:22,880
Pfft, I'm pleased
that didn't catch on.

443
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:25,920
'The state also sanctioned
a pretty racy-looking dance

444
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,880
'called the Lipsi.'

445
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:32,240
They thought rock and roll
was too capitalist.

446
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,080
Well, they'd probably heard
Billy Joel by this stage.

447
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:37,800
Do you dance at all? No, I don't.
I don't know what it's for.

448
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:40,000
For yourself! Like,
dance like no-one's watching.

449
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,640
Dancing for yourself?

450
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,160
SHE LAUGHS

451
00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:46,200
Listen to that statement
back in your own head.

452
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,600
I think we should learn Lipsi.
I'm not learning Lipsi.

453
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:52,360
Lipsi's the devil's music.
Oh, you've gone very formal.

454
00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:54,200
You've pulled your... No, OK?

455
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:57,800
I live my life by the same rules
as Captain Mainwaring. Right.

456
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:01,800
Dignity. Full dignity,
and never remove your trousers.

457
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,560
Well...

458
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:09,000
We'll just casually lean up
against this railing.

459
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,040
Yes, please. Like Michael Portillo.
My favourite.

460
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:13,520
It's too low for this lean,

461
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,000
but I've committed now.
Just leaning here, guys.

462
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,240
How did you feel about that museum?
Who says the DDR couldn't be fun?

463
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:22,120
Really loved it. Yeah.
Thank you for taking me. Not at all.

464
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:23,880
One of the best museums
I've ever been to.

465
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:25,520
What are we up to now, Rich?

466
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:29,520
I think we ought to go to one of
the many vintage photo booths

467
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:34,640
that have started springing up
around Berlin.

468
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:35,880
'Although lesser people

469
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:37,920
'might wish to photograph
Berlin itself,

470
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,840
'we are only interested in creating
further images of our faces

471
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,560
'before rampant glibness
ravages them irreparably.

472
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:45,920
'Using an app, we locate
one of the 25 restored

473
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:49,920
'black and white Photoautomats
to facilitate our wish.'

474
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:53,000
Here we are. OK. Automat.

475
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,240
It's OK, I'll stump up
the two euros. Thank you. It's fine.

476
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:59,240
This is what's going to happen.
You give four expressions,

477
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:03,240
and then I'll give my four,
and we'll compare.

478
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:10,000
I don't know how many I've taken.

479
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:14,880
Now, the first one I look like
I'm in The Bill and I'm saying,

480
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:16,800
"I know nothing."

481
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:19,200
Here we go.

482
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:20,840
Let's put them together.

483
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:23,520
Let's look at the variety
of expressions here.

484
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,400
Look at the journey.

485
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:28,880
There's one variant.

486
00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:31,360
I was trying to get my money back
in that one.

487
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,080
SHE LAUGHS

488
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:34,720
Well, I'm very pleased with that.

489
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:36,760
This way, we've got a bookmark each,

490
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,920
but if I have this in my book
and you get murdered, I don't want

491
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:42,680
to get blamed for the crime
in the film noir version of this.

492
00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:44,720
Then you better make sure
I never get murdered.

493
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:48,720
That's a promise I cannot take on.

494
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:53,040
'Now that that thing has been done,
we must now do another thing.'

495
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:55,560
Oh, weather's taken
a turn for the worse. Oh, nice.

496
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,760
'Despite a potentially
continuity-destroying

497
00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:59,240
'barrage of weather...'

498
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:00,760
I'm enjoying it, though.

499
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:03,320
'I refuse to cancel
our trip to a beer garden,

500
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,760
'especially as this one
is in the Tiergarten,

501
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:09,320
'surely a lost title opportunity
for a Tears For Fears album.'

502
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:11,000
We're lucky to get a table.

503
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,480
This is the most popular
beer garden in Berlin.

504
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:17,440
I've pre-ordered, and again,
we'll settle up at the end.

505
00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:19,760
Oh, crumbs. Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.

506
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,080
You're taking a very cavalier
attitude to the cold.

507
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,720
Thank you very much. Thank you.

508
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:25,040
'At ?2.40 apiece,

509
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:27,640
'the price of a beer takes
our Teutonic twirl

510
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:31,240
'to ?455.36 per person.'

511
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:34,400
What was your favourite
moment of the trip,

512
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:38,040
other than just clinking
these unrealistic beers?

513
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,200
I enjoyed driving the Trabant,

514
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,960
because that made me feel glad
to be alive at the end. Yes.

515
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,200
And the ten-course meal.
And Billy. Billy.

516
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,760
Who I sort of fell in love with,
in a scary way.

517
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:51,000
I liked getting reacquainted
with the neck of a guitar.

518
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,280
Oh, you were great.

519
00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:55,040
Because I think I'm really going
into midlife crisis mode.

520
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,800
As soon as I get back, I'm going
to buy a boxy leather jacket

521
00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,080
and look at Porsche rentals.

522
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:03,080
Berlin - will you be revisiting?

523
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,160
It's quite strange.
There's a strangeness

524
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,280
that I am not articulate
enough to convey.

525
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:08,880
That's good for this moment.

526
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,320
Just think it, and we'll pick it up.

527
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:13,640
There you go. OK. You get that?
That's good.

528
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,360
Well, thank you for your attendance.
Thank you for having me.

529
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:18,640
I'll invoice you.
I haven't really spent...

530
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:21,160
28 days you've got to pay.

531
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:25,160
And then I come after you.

532
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:44,000
Subtitles by Ericsson

533
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,000
</P></Sync> </Body>