Mini-breaks are 50 shades of cray-cray.
How can anyone be expected to go somewhere new and enjoy themselves
without at least a decade to decompress?
With no idea where to go, what to do or how to eat,
it's impossible to stop the whole thing
turning into a monumental fudge-up.
But do not unleash the raging of various machines
for I, the missed opportunity that is Richard Ayoade,
am here to massively sort shiz out.
Forcibly chaperoned by a televised face
to give me the remote chance of relatability,
I'm going to drag you howling through an maxi mini break.
Yep.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, 48 hours in Germany's uber-cool capital, Berlin,
a city engulfed by history, culture,
beer and sausage.
GEARS SCRAPE
Joining me on this Teutonic trial is writer, comedian and stand-up person
Roisin Conaty.
Just leaning here, guys.
Together and individually,
we will drive like Noddies...
I could be the new Matt LeBlanc.
..bowl like Daniel Day-Lewis...
AS DANIEL PLAINVIEW: I abandoned my child!
..and breakfast like T'Pau.
We're here but should we have come?
A two-hour flight to Berlin
is the same price as a cab from Peckham to Putney.
Ludicrously overpriced.
How was the flight for you?
I didn't dribble or talk in my sleep, you assured me.
Well, check Twitter.
That's all I can say.
So, Richard, why have you brought me to Berlin?
Well, thank goodness you asked at this junction
because we're literally about to cut to the answer.
Berlin's incident-crammed past
has seen it fragmented, divided and, more recently, reunified.
It has also tirelessly supported David Hasselhoff
as a musician and as a storyteller,
where many others were writing him off as a spent force.
It is currently ranked as the world's third most liveable city
and, if that entirely arbitrary summation wasn't enough,
127 tonnes of sausage is consumed on these streets every day.
A thrifty weekend in Berlin can be had for just 134 GBP,
a figure we will exceed because we are spoilt and greedy.
And this consumerist pilgrimage begins in earnest at this hotel
on the banks of the river Spree in former East Berlin.
Wow. Wow.
They have really committed to a colour scheme here.
This reeks of a first draft.
And that view is... Just reminds me of early Richard and Judy.
Why are you saying it like it's a bad thing?
I'm not saying it as a bad thing. They've got a lot to teach us still.
Hello. Welcome to nhow Berlin.
How do you say the name of the hotel? It's nhow. Nhow Berlin.
You don't need that H. You realise that?
No, we don't need the H.
Announcing itself as a music hotel,
the nhow offers two recording studios,
open mic nights and musical room service.
Do you have any flutes?
You know, if you want to do kind of folk rock.
No.
And the lifts have broken themselves down into genres.
I say jazz. OK, let's go jazz.
Let's get some Mingus. Come on.
Oh, don't close on us, jazz.
That's jazz. It's gone. The moment's gone.
Jazz is open again. It's unpredictable, jazz.
You never know what's going to happen.
Wow. It's like a spaceship
that Barbie's made.
I mentally scan the 60 square metres of my junior suite for trip hazards
and make a note of the slipper situation
before we bust out of the joint for a city tour.
Because I like to travel in confined spaces
with death hovering by my heels,
we head with studied alacrity
towards the nearest East German Trabant tour.
Don't blow our cover. The guy's name is McGinty.
We don't know who he is. We just move the ice.
Hi. Hi. Hello, I'm Roisin. How are you? Fine.
Please enter. I give you a short instruction
how to use these old-timers. OK.
Were East Germans really small?
For £35 each, Arvid, a man whose eyebrows cannot be contained,
will lead us on his Trabi safari round Berlin,
doling out spiel on a clutch of the city's attractions.
Oh, here we go. I've lost power.
We're losing our own freedom!
Imagine if this was your way out of East Germany. No, I need to pull.
OK, we go to the right side.
Oh. I've got the hand brake on.
Here we go.
Am I indicating?
I don't think we indicate here.
Wow, that's a wide turn.
You're doing well. I know.
I could be the new Matt LeBlanc.
It's when you see other motorists look at you with pity
that you know you're in an unsafe vehicle.
The Trabant's reputation for unreliability
will keep us alive to the transience of life
during our punishing sightseeing schedule.
Oh, hello. Bumps.
Sorry about that.
So, we are going to pass the Reichstag building.
This is the place where Adolf Hitler
became the German Chancellor in January 1933.
Got to say, I'm still very...
..very so-so on Hitler.
The more I hear about him,
the less warmly I feel towards him.
Turn left to the concert hall.
Concert hall.
This is all their big, good stuff.
Oh, here we go.
We've stalled! We've stalled!
Man down!
Here we go. Don't let it stress you out.
You're doing a good job.
You're a natural at this. I mean...
ENGINE REVS
I've got a feeling that something's not right.
Do I turn now? I'm going to do like really apologetic hand waves.
I'm still in first gear, by the way.
My confident motoring powers us past the TV tower,
Victory Column and Brandenburg Gate
as pedestrians look on with hushed reverence.
There's a famous landmark in town,
the last city gate.
We are the fallen! Do you know it?
I don't even look in my mirrors
because there's nothing I could do.
I just want death to come quick.
ENGINE REVS STRANGELY Why is it doing that?
I mean, that's not good.
You haven't got the handbrake on, have you?
No.
Completely in command of the vehicle...
That's a bad sound.
..we pull up at our final destination,
the most famous border crossing between West and East.
There's something not quite right about taking a selfie
in front of Checkpoint Charlie...
Or the actors. ..with a selfie stick.
I feel we're showing far greater deference
by going round in these Trabants.
Made it.
So, thank you so much. I hope you enjoyed the tour.
It was a pleasure for me. Auf wiedersehen.
I'll see you tomorrow. We'll do the same thing.
Although Berlin is the birthplace of the doner kebab,
we instead idiotically decide to book in
for the Michelin-starred nosebag at Nobelhart & Schmutzig.
I just hope someone doesn't open the door wearing a codpiece.
Trying to counter Germany's reputation
as a gastronomic nicht-nicht district,
chef Micha Schafer and restaurateur Billy Wagner
serve up a gruellingly thorough ten-course tasting menu,
so we don't have to squander crucial seconds deciding on what to chomp.
You know, I always compare it with a record.
It's much nicer to listen to an album than only to several songs
because you get much more an idea what the artist wants to tell you
and it's the same with the chef.
You obviously haven't heard Kula Shaker.
Health. To your health.
And to endurance.
To endurance and to Berlin.
Every one of the ten courses adheres to Billy's solemn manifesto
of using seasonal food so locally sourced
it has that have the Berlin postcode.
He also flings out edicts on how to consume the things.
Please eat it with your hands.
OK. OK. Enjoy.
I wonder why you have to eat this eel with your hands.
There's no reason.
Apart from Billy says so.
I get the feeling that he'd be upset
if we didn't use our hands.
But our hands aren't from Berlin.
I'm going to taste my English fingers.
Ooh, that tastes like Berlin.
That's bloody local.
The brutal approach to sourcing
means many ubiquitous ingredients are massively verboten.
What will you not serve?
Chocolate. Vanilla.
Lemon. Oranges. Olive oil.
I might try and cook without something.
What can I lose? Really push myself.
Star anise.
Could you cut that out?
I don't think I could.
So this fish was catched yesterday.
This is fresh as hell. OK. Enjoy.
Danke schon. Thank you very much.
I'm still on the wooden knife.
No, the wooden knife is just for the butter.
Billy is going to throw a fit.
No!
That is so inauthentic.
Don't tell Billy. Don't tell Billy! We can't tell Billy.
This is excellent. All choice has been taken away.
This is basically a hostage situation.
"Have this. Eat this.
"Use this knife. Use your hands."
But we know resistance will be crushed.
This is excellent, Billy.
Thank you very much. Appreciate it.
Befuddled by rules and pumped up on variety,
we wage war with course seven -
indigenous red cabbage and eel soup.
This may be where I part company with the menu for the first time.
No.
You need to down it...
..or you're going to wake up with Billy over your head
bawling,
dropping salty tears into your eyes.
"I locally sourced this, Roisin.
"Roisin, I locally sourced it."
Wow. I nearly did it.
I'm getting like the sweats.
Billy, how come this is allowed? Because it's from Italy.
Absolutely. Roisin...
When we talk about regional stuff, we talk about food-wise. OK.
Otherwise... Oh, my God. ..we only would serve beer and corn.
I see. I see. I see.
I'm absolutely dying. Thank you.
Oh.
I had to ask.
Thank you.
This is hurting now.
It's actually hurting me.
How much more have we got?
We've got willow, quince and carrots,
followed by quince, pollen and grape seed oil.
Oh, they've really lost their minds.
As I strap on my reserve extra large belt,
we ram down the first of two local, excellent,
yet fatally dense deserts.
OK, here it comes. Number ten.
I think ten courses is my limit.
I think I'm tasting the future.
Wow.
Goodnight, Billy.
I think it's been amazing.
A great choice.
At last, some acknowledgement
of some of the management of this trip.
Billy, I don't think I'm going to be hungry for 48 hours.
This was excellent. Really great. Really great.
I don't mean to be so crude as to ask for the bill but we must go.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Look at that. I mean, this...
Even that leather's locally sourced.
After such a colossal ingestion,
we need to see if our legs still work.
Berlin is famed for its nightlife
but that's no reason to plunge into severe depression
because it also contains this vintage Kegelbahn.
Hidden in bar basements all over Berlin,
the low-tech game of nine-pin bowling
is having a welcome resurgence thanks to people like Julian here.
How long has this game existed in Germany?
I need a precise date.
OK, let's say 3rd December in 1169.
That was a great year for bowling. Back in the 12th century.
Did they have disco lighting as early as that? No.
First one to...
I mean, we could call it a day after this one.
It looks like a drunk man trying to get home.
You've got four.
This is going to make great television, isn't it?
Let's have a look at this.
Uh-uh!
Wait.
Don't write it off yet.
Write it off now.
I plan on restaging the end of There Will Be Blood in here.
I'm going to try and do my Daniel Day-Lewis impression.
AS DANIEL PLAINVIEW: Eli!
Eli!
That might work.
Here we go. Oh, my God. See? That's all you needed, a bit of heart.
Just needed a bit of Daniel Day-Lewis.
Just keep going. We're not leaving until I get a strike. Do it.
We may miss the entire rest of the trip. That's fine.
Come on. Focus in. Stay in the zone. Focus in.
You're blocking me. Let's focus in.
OK. Here we go. Let's focus in.
Here we go.
That is an eight.
Oh! I need a nine.
This is the one. Come on.
That's not the one. It's two off the one.
Sensing an opportunity to elevate the sport...
Come on.
..and add fresh layers to my growing mythology,
I decide to play on solo,
my focus becoming Zen-like.
My favourite bit is you've stopped blinking.
I don't think you've blinked. I don't know why you're talking
during such important matchplay.
Last one if it's a nine.
It's a five.
Here we go. This might be the one. AS DANIEL PLAINVIEW: Eli!
Oh! He got it!
That's a nine.
I can't believe you got it.
That's a nine, we can leave.
We can leave and we can rest.
And, now,
now you see how fun
being with me can feel.
I haven't thrown a ball in about an hour.
Don't make this about you.
Allow me my moment.
Well done. Thank you.
Bit late. Too late.
That hadn't been done since the 14th century.
A nine.
With the Kegelbahn a team-building triumph,
day one ends bestrewn with glory.
Let's go and find lots of people to tell.
Coming up, we go East...
It looks like Coronation Street.
..and photograph our own faces.
I was trying to get my money back in that one.
'We are midway through our circumspect 48-hour
'schlep round Berlin.
'Thus far, we have carved up the cobbles...'
Sorry about that.
'..distended our bellies...#
This is hurting now.
'..and created a new kind of hero.'
That hasn't been done since the 14th century.
'Morning is broken at the music hotel by a room service delivery
'containing a tower of brek,
'some synth, and a maroon axe.'
KNOCKING AT DOOR
HE SIGHS Unbelievable.
'I've summoned Roisin to back me up
'as I start my morning exploration of the fretboard.'
Hi, Roisin. Hey, Richard. Good sleep?
Yeah, great sleep. What is going on in here?
I was thinking of starting in G. I've been waiting for four hours.
OK? Get going.
Get some salmon between that crusty white bread.
Are we jamming? This is my first ever jam. Let's just jam in G.
I imagine you've jammed loads, right? Come on.
I was born in a jam.
You've got a good guitar face. Thanks.
HE PLAYS A GUITAR SOLO
You look like you...
SHE LAUGHS
DRUMBEAT STARTS
HE PLAYS
That's it. Any song that ends with this.
SHE LAUGHS
SHE PLAYS THE KEYBOARD
See, we're in dialogue now. Yeah? This is good.
I'm just going to put something in between everything you say. OK.
Making my life like a blues story? Yeah. OK.
So what happened this morning?
Woke up this morning.
Had to wash my hair.
Then I remembered!
Had to play the keyboards.
And I might have lied to the producers.
Said I was a bit better than I am.
I can't play at all.
And now...
I've got...
..the blues shame.
SHE PLAYS THE KEYBOARD No, you've gone Gary Numan. Have I?
That's not the blues.
OK, I've finished expressing myself. We need to leave.
Come on. It's over.
I didn't get much of a go. Here's a plectrum.
Bang, we're out.
SHE LAUGHS
'After what is a new and now documented nadir,
'we flee the scene and pound towards what remains of the Berlin Wall.
'Built in 1961 to stop East Germans fleeing west,
'it's now a tourist attraction.'
It's incredible. Not a site of great happiness.
No, but they've kept it and turned it into something positive,
I suppose. They've salvaged something good. Yeah.
'The East Side Gallery, or art mile,
'features 101 paintings commissioned after the fall of the wall in 1989.'
No-one's chosen to commemorate
Hasselhoff's contribution in any way.
'From the nearly 200 museums to choose from,
'we selected the twice-nominated European Museum Of The Year,
'the DDR,
'in which a bod can interactively experience life as it used to be
'in what was the first socialist state on German soil.'
Oh!
I see why this museum is so busy now.
Four out of five East Germans regularly went swimming unattired.
That's a great stat.
I'm not sure about the tennis nude.
That feels like it's just taking it to another extreme.
That feels, a lot of stuff was ungoverned.
SHE LAUGHS
'With much of life under surveillance,
'the home became a palette on which the self was writ.'
Looks like Coronation Street.
I don't watch that, for political reasons.
Now, this I like - easy access to the toilet.
There are normally doors there, right? Not during this era.
I'd like to get back to this era.
I mean, this is ideal.
SHE LAUGHS
Homes Under The Hammer.
Deal or no deal? Are you sure they didn't have doors?
Deal or no deal? Deal or no deal?
Deal!
And you're back. Sexual education?
Nothing I don't know.
There's lots I don't know. Loads.
SHE GASPS
Oh, I'm just face-to-face with a vagina.
Why is it up in that cupboard? Is that standard issue?
That's where you keep the vaginas, Richard.
OK, the kitchen's nice. It's good.
There's access through. There's flow through.
It feels like we're a couple and you're the laziest husband
looking at a house. Yeah.
OK, there's a cupboard in here called Women's Day.
"At work, the comrade director presented various hard-working women
"with medals and cash bonuses. Everybody present thanked the party
"and state for achieving gender equality.
"The afternoon was one long round of coffee and cake.
"Not only did the men serve the women,
"they even did the washing up!"
Pfft, I'm pleased that didn't catch on.
'The state also sanctioned a pretty racy-looking dance
'called the Lipsi.'
They thought rock and roll was too capitalist.
Well, they'd probably heard Billy Joel by this stage.
Do you dance at all? No, I don't. I don't know what it's for.
For yourself! Like, dance like no-one's watching.
Dancing for yourself?
SHE LAUGHS
Listen to that statement back in your own head.
I think we should learn Lipsi. I'm not learning Lipsi.
Lipsi's the devil's music. Oh, you've gone very formal.
You've pulled your... No, OK?
I live my life by the same rules as Captain Mainwaring. Right.
Dignity. Full dignity, and never remove your trousers.
Well...
We'll just casually lean up against this railing.
Yes, please. Like Michael Portillo. My favourite.
It's too low for this lean,
but I've committed now. Just leaning here, guys.
How did you feel about that museum? Who says the DDR couldn't be fun?
Really loved it. Yeah. Thank you for taking me. Not at all.
One of the best museums I've ever been to.
What are we up to now, Rich?
I think we ought to go to one of the many vintage photo booths
that have started springing up around Berlin.
'Although lesser people
'might wish to photograph Berlin itself,
'we are only interested in creating further images of our faces
'before rampant glibness ravages them irreparably.
'Using an app, we locate one of the 25 restored
'black and white Photoautomats to facilitate our wish.'
Here we are. OK. Automat.
It's OK, I'll stump up the two euros. Thank you. It's fine.
This is what's going to happen. You give four expressions,
and then I'll give my four, and we'll compare.
I don't know how many I've taken.
Now, the first one I look like I'm in The Bill and I'm saying,
"I know nothing."
Here we go.
Let's put them together.
Let's look at the variety of expressions here.
Look at the journey.
There's one variant.
I was trying to get my money back in that one.
SHE LAUGHS
Well, I'm very pleased with that.
This way, we've got a bookmark each,
but if I have this in my book and you get murdered, I don't want
to get blamed for the crime in the film noir version of this.
Then you better make sure I never get murdered.
That's a promise I cannot take on.
'Now that that thing has been done, we must now do another thing.'
Oh, weather's taken a turn for the worse. Oh, nice.
'Despite a potentially continuity-destroying
'barrage of weather...'
I'm enjoying it, though.
'I refuse to cancel our trip to a beer garden,
'especially as this one is in the Tiergarten,
'surely a lost title opportunity for a Tears For Fears album.'
We're lucky to get a table.
This is the most popular beer garden in Berlin.
I've pre-ordered, and again, we'll settle up at the end.
Oh, crumbs. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.
You're taking a very cavalier attitude to the cold.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
'At ?2.40 apiece,
'the price of a beer takes our Teutonic twirl
'to ?455.36 per person.'
What was your favourite moment of the trip,
other than just clinking these unrealistic beers?
I enjoyed driving the Trabant,
because that made me feel glad to be alive at the end. Yes.
And the ten-course meal. And Billy. Billy.
Who I sort of fell in love with, in a scary way.
I liked getting reacquainted with the neck of a guitar.
Oh, you were great.
Because I think I'm really going into midlife crisis mode.
As soon as I get back, I'm going to buy a boxy leather jacket
and look at Porsche rentals.
Berlin - will you be revisiting?
It's quite strange. There's a strangeness
that I am not articulate enough to convey.
That's good for this moment.
Just think it, and we'll pick it up.
There you go. OK. You get that? That's good.
Well, thank you for your attendance. Thank you for having me.
I'll invoice you. I haven't really spent...
28 days you've got to pay.
And then I come after you.
Subtitles by Ericsson