The mini-break is to prise open the crack of crazy,
behind which lurks the absurd notion of leaving your house,
certain motion sickness and the terrifying prospect of
interacting with other cultures.
How can a cat get his or her bearings,
without jettisoning a full bag of marbles?
But do not uncoil your private fury, for I, a nay-saying twit, called
Richard Ayoade am here to get your short-haul holiday game tight.
I, whilst yoke to some people who have long since lost their right
to earthly anonymity, am going to take you hurtling
through a maxi-mini-break.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, 48 hours in the city that in some ways has eclipsed York -
New York.
58 mill tourists came here last year in dizzy plunder of sights,
skyscrapers and every type of shiz that this conurbation commands.
Joining me for the full furlong in this dense fruit is Canadian
comedian Katherine Ryan.
Together, we will extract edification
in museums of diverse sizes...
Do you want me to enter another reference number? No, I don't.
..bolster our blood sugar...
I think there's more sugar than bread.
I place it in the Haribo family.
# Yes, I'm leaving I'm gone. #
..and descend into a musical mangle.
It was like being trapped.
In a good way?
We're here, but should we have come?
An eight-hour flight followed by a 40-minute taxi ride reveals
New York to be on the outer rim of short-haulery.
We just had a long flight, but I feel no jet lag.
I feel terrible.
I find it very difficult to cope with any form of travel.
Yet you're a travel man. I'm weak.
It's unfortunate casting.
You're probably wondering why the heck
I've brought you the these climes. Are you wondering that?
I wasn't going to ask you till after the bridge, but, Richard,
why have you brought me to Manhattan?
Well, that question is timely.
New York, the Giant Apple, has a population of 8.5 mill.
That makes it America's largest city,
housing twice as many torsos as the frankly quaint LA.
It's the birthplace of the teddy bear,
hip-hop and my desert island must-have - toilet paper.
It contains ten national parks, 237 museums and art galleries,
as well as, in a safety deposit box, Albert Einstein's eyeballs.
And Jay-Z recently gave me his personal assurance that the
streets here are so good that they will both inspire you and
make you feel brand-new.
Alongside some of the statements that were basically just boasting.
New York has five boroughs,
all with varying degrees of interest and attraction.
But for a clock-conscious ram raid of the city's top tat,
we bunker in Manhattan.
And specifically the Highline Hotel in the chic Chelsea district.
Thank you very much. Thank you. Wow.
Wow, that bag is visible. Thank you. Thank you. Have a nice day.
You can see it at the baggage claim.
You can see that from space.
I imagine there's going to be outfit changes.
Many. Really? You must. Blimey.
The Highline had free-to-use bicycles and a coffee van.
The rooms feature vintage furniture, phones and typewriters.
You know, like the ones you use at home.
PHONE RINGS
Hello? Katherine, what's going on?
Oh, hey, Boss. I'm just composing a short novel.
OK, you need to stop that. We've got to go.
I'll see you downstairs. Bye, bye, bye. Bye.
After a gruelling two minute wait, we hit the subway.
Underground aficionados will already know that it is the seventh
most-used underground on earth, with 1.763 billion journeys a year.
You've probably got a ranking system of your favourite underground
transport networks.
How does this rank?
New York City Subway ranks higher than Germany.
Really? Definitely higher than Toronto.
Not as good as London. Thank you.
We're rollicking uptown to midtown
to curve our corneas around the city's sights.
Well, here we are.
About to enjoy Elmgreen and Dragset's Van Gogh's Ear.
This, thankfully temporary,
artwork guards the Fifth Avenue end the Rockefeller Centre.
Home to Radio City Music Hall, TV studios
and a whole heap of other biz.
It is exquisite.
Oh, it's a triumph of the Art Deco style.
A trip to the top of 30 Rock allows a bod a full ocular swoop
of the city's skyline.
Richard!
Well, OK.
Well, you know, yes.
This is densely clustered. It is.
Prince Charles would hate this. SHE LAUGHS
Let's put this via a screen, so that we can really drink this in.
Yeah. This is going to tell us what we're looking at.
What are we looking at?
We're looking at the Empire State building. That's cool.
Oh, you can go around. The Chrysler building. Oh, yeah.
I like that one. Do you like it? That's a good one.
It's one of my favourites.
Do you know, you can buy air space around your building,
preventing anyone else from building there and obstructing your views?
I did not know that.
Sensing myself out of my conversational depth,
I suggest we leave and do something else.
The hot dog is a New York obsession.
Last year, ¤2.5 billion of sausage were sunk in the city.
Papaya King are the dukes of the dog scene,
with 84 years on the clock.
It's good, yeah.
I actually wrote my university thesis on the hot dog and have many
pertinent things to say about its cultural,
historical and socio-political impact.
But just as I was about to speak, Katherine railroaded me.
I think it's important that we had a hot dog in New York. Yeah.
It's the type of food that you don't feel super-proud about
eating, but it was kind of naughty and fun.
Let's bust. You go. Thank you so much, Richard.
It's fine. Thank you.
Having used uncharacteristic politeness to hide my fury,
we huff up to the largest and most visited museum in all America.
It's the Met. Wow.
Within the context of Manhattan, it kind of looks boutique.
Like a bungalow. Yeah.
They haven't used the air space wisely at all.
Considering the value of the real estate.
The problem we face, two million exhibits, our time is limited.
What are we going to do? I'll tell you what were going to do,
off-camera! Wait for me!
In an effort to condense this mammoth museum,
I've secured the services of an independent guide, who insists
he will make our visit subversive, interactive, fun and fast.
We're going to fly through this museum. OK, good.
We're going to blast it into our retina and move on. I love it.
OK. Well, if we're going to do this, we've got to get this thing started.
Shall we? Yes, let's get it started. Yes.
We have a little museum hack tradition that gets us going,
cos I know you want to move fast. Yes, I do.
I need all hands in the centre, please. We go down on, "mu-"
and then up on, "-seum," And then we charged into the Met.
OK, OK. I'm nearly 40. This is quite bad. You're nearly 40?
Well, you're going to have to keep up. OK. Squash it down, move on.
BOTH: Museum! All right, let's go.
That must endear you to people.
And so begins a slide across the surface of the Met's
17 acres of galleries.
Arms In Armour.
I like that they gave a little protection to the horses as well.
This is Henry VIII. And this is...? Before and after.
OK. So as he aged, it he became less concerned about his groin.
Like many men.
Let's move on.
Welcome to Washington Crossing The Delaware. Whoa!
And is this for sale? No, it's not for sale.
Next, prehistoric and the early Greek art. What've we got?
We've got this.
All right, check this out. OK.
They think this may be a 6,000 year-old selfie.
Commentators claim that the proportions of the sculpture
mean the artist may have been looking at herself without a mirror.
Oh, yes. You're looking at this from the wrong angle, gentlemen.
I know. I like that she has natural breasts. Yes.
Is this for sale? Unfortunately not. OK, let's move on.
Welcome to the Temple of Dendur. Thank you.
This is, I mean, it's extraordinary.
The positioning of this gift from Egypt was decided by former first
lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.
Jackie O had purchased a brand-new penthouse apartment right
across the street from the museum.
This is lit up 24/7, 365.
And suddenly the tabloids start referring to this as Jackie's
night-light. It's excellent. It's beautiful, isn't it?
It's really good. You don't have to travel to Egypt.
That's what I like about museums. Yeah.
You can go all over the world in one afternoon. Oh, great.
Our frantic twirl takes us to the roof,
whereon we behold one of the museum's newest exhibits.
This is by Cornelia Parker. It's called PsychoBarn. Yeah.
Right, thank you for having us. It's an excellent museum.
Oh, that's wonderful to hear.
I think now I have added my approbations,
you watch those till receipts soar, My influence is huge.
I didn't even know what the museum till I met Richard. Exactly.
I bow to you, my friend. You mustn't.
You'll start a trend. All right. Bye, guys.
Thank you. You've just gone now. You out of my life. I'm out.
We're never talking again. That's it. That's so weird, isn't it?
As evening encroaches in this series of moving images, we went our
way back to Chelsea, where we towelled down
and prepared for times to come.
Hi. This is good.
Chris de Burgh would love it. Let's go. Yeah.
We are taking a sunset stroll along the Highline,
from which our hotel snatched its Monica.
Straight down. OK.
It's a former elevated railway, now linear park.
Green-fingered viewers will immediately recognise this as
the work of the influential garden designer Piet Oudolf -
whose prairie plantings look particularly plaintiff
in the setting sun.
Thoughts on this? It's glorious.
Let's move on.
As night descends in typically sped up fashion,
an onslaught of options self presents.
We could see one of approximately 150 theatrical performances.
Or visit one of approximately 1,500 bars.
Or combine these two seemingly disparate activities.
I failed to book a Broadway show,
so this is a cost-effective alternative. OK.
You're more than welcome.
Of New York's many bars, only Marie's Crisis persists in
holding a show tune sing-along around the piano every night.
# Doe a deer a female deer... #
Right. Right, I think you're going to need one or seven drinks.
Yes. This is where all the introverts gather.
How are you feeling so far?
I'm OK, how are you?
Yeah. Introverted.
Yeah, this is, this is...
This is too community spirited for me.
We passively pootle to the piano, just as the throng throats
one of Katherine's personal highlights from the musical Rent.
# Don't fight it Don't lose your head
# Yes, I'm leaving
# I'm gone. #
THEY CHEER
Did you like that one? Good.
I feel...
I don't know that song, so I felt...
It was like being trapped.
Being trapped...
In a good way?
In a very one-sided conversation.
Do you guys want to sing another song?
I mean, no.
I imagine you're going to do a song.
Whether you like it or not. Yeah.
He's having a great time. Pretty much.
# Little shop Little shop of horrors
# Little shop... #
Unable to cope with this public expression of joy,
I ripcord this flipper.
I think we need to go.
Did you love it, Richard?
That feels like a leading question.
I'm pleased they were enjoying themselves,
but it was a bit like turning up to a party when everyone is drunk.
Yeah, it's great to watch them having a great time.
They were drunk on show tunes.
Still regretting this first thoughts analogy, we walk away from the lens
in a way that's consistent with the end of part one television grammar.
In a most second of parts, we will shower in sucrose...
Wow, that's so sugary it was almost spicy.
..embark on a prolonged skid...
This is a kind of very slow-moving zombie apocalypse.
..and start sweating in a jumped up garage.
This is hell in here.
Why am I here?
'We are more than halfway through a two-day dalliance in NYC.
'Part one featured the following subheadings -
'taxi, hotel, Rockefeller, hot dogs, museum, High Line, singalong.'
You're going to have to keep up. OK.
'Day two begins with a frankly fascist 7:30am start.'
Are we going for breakfast? Yes, we're going for a cronut.
Cronut?
'In May 2013, after six months' toil,
'Chef Dominique Ansel launched a paradigm-shifting piece of patisserie.
'He called it the cronut.
'Croissant dough is fried, coated in sugar,
'injected with cream and glazed.
'Such is the demand for this confection that queues form at 7am in the morning.'
What time do they open, eight? Yeah.
And then it all kicks off.
'I'm so tired and the strict two cronuts per person limit is enforced.'
We'll get four cronuts.
Four? We will get our maximum allotted amount of cronuts.
Sure, no problem.
'One food writer claimed a cronut contains 1,300 calories,
'over half a man's recommended daily allowance.
'The bakery says this is incorrect and - open quotes - "absurd."
'Close quotes. Controversy like this is part of what makes the pastry
'seem so freaking exciting.'
I'm getting leakage. Yeah, me too.
There's stuff inside here that I did not expect.
Wow.
I think I've just developed diabetes.
I think there's more sugar than bread.
So I'd place it in the Haribo family.
Right. I really like all the wetness of it.
All the cream and sauce.
I can eat this and then I can lie down.
SHE LAUGHS Let my blood adjust...
SHE LAUGHS AGAIN
..while these tiny diabetic birds flap around me and try and get
bits of sugar from the corners of my mouth.
This is great. This is the most sugar you've ever had in your life.
I know! I'm going to put this back up.
OK. My hands are shaking.
OK. Let's go, let's walk this.
I need this... I'm dipping, I'm dipping.
'Before we're engulfed by insulin,
'we flounce off to the ferry terminal
'and board a Manhattan Mainstay.'
It makes me feel like livestock.
In a good way? There's not a good way. No?
'The Staten Island ferry runs 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
'It's 100% gratis,
'offering travellers a time and cost-effective, if somewhat distant
'look at an NYC landmark.'
And there she is. It's an it, it's not a person, it's a statue.
It is she. It's an it.
I'm never sure about that hat.
It seems quite unwelcoming and quite pointy.
I see it as a friendly nod to nearby birds who might want to have a rest.
Right. Do you feel like you've seen the Statue of Liberty now, Richard?
I actually have seen it.
So it's more than a feeling.
It's a reality.
'With the temperature firing into the 100s, we career into Central Park.
'Visitors can explore this uptown rectangle by carriage, bike or leg.'
'After a brief off-camera consultation with our separate stylists,
'we decide to get into our sports shiz.'
What could be better than learning to rollerblade in this heat?
SHE CHUCKLES
'Roller Joel created the first-ever in-line skating school
'in New York City in 1988.
'Former clients include Cindy Crawford who used to work as a model.'
Hey, guys! Hi, are you Roller Joel?
I am indeed Roller Joel, and you are..?
Richard. Richard, pleasure to meet you.
Katherine. Katherine. So, welcome to New York, welcome to Central Park.
Have you skated before? No.
Have you skated before? I have a little bit as a child.
I will make you expert skaters when I'm done with you. Really?
'Natural pessimist Joel gets us padded up...'
This is going to be a good sequence when it's cut together.
'..before we bring the thunder.'
I'm just going to pull you. You're a natural, look at you!
I feel like a retired Dalek.
Now, put your hands forward on your knees and roll.
This is a deleted scene from Night of the Living Dead.
THEY LAUGH
'Katherine shows herself to be a classic ringer...'
That's it.
'..whereas I develop instant osteoporosis.'
Now, when you come back next time...
Sure. ..we're going to go on...
I'll go on foot. ..a much more extensive tour.
We can cover all the acres on skates.
'But we do manage a creditable creep round the park,
'taking in the bandshell used as a location in the film
'Breakfast at Tiffany's...'
Hands forward. No, no, no!
'..and the Bethesda Terrace, which you'll recognise from Stuart Little 2.'
Wow. This is not my natural habitat.
'We finish at the Cherry Hill Fountain which many mistakenly think
'is the fountain at the start of Friends.'
Well, thank goodness.
That was-that was something.
Well, something is better than nothing.
Hope you had a good time. Don't forget, keep on rolling.
Keep on Joeling.
Ooh, I like that even better! That's good.
'Knowing that mot can never be out-bon-ed,
'we swiftly segue from one sequence to another to create the illusion of momentum.'
Look at this. It's quite grand.
It is. Grand Central Terminus.
Terminus? Not station.
Why not? No trains pass through here, it's the end of the line
and the beginning of the line.
750,000 people pass through here daily.
It used so much granite that there is still radiation here.
We're in the middle of a radiation zone. And they've just decided that's fine?
There's nothing they can do about it. There's that much granite.
Let's hit the dining concourse. Yes.
'This corner of the station is home to an acoustic anomaly.'
Hello? Hi, Richard, how are you?
I feel slightly unnerved by this.
'Sound is reflected by the curve of the ceiling so we can hear
'each other clearly despite standing ten metres apart and facing
'in opposite directions.'
This is a much easier way for me to communicate than normal.
It's a lot easier. There's none of that kind of strange eye contact
business or, you know, engaging with someone's face.
I mean, it just looks like you're having a wee.
It does. I'm going to step away now.
OK.
'My urine still warming the wall,
'we canter to Chinatown for one last carafe of culture.'
'A museum that stands in rude opposition to the Met's epic swoop.'
Hello. Hello, welcome to Mmuseumm. That curb's dangerous, by the way.
OK. I almost killed myself.
So, the double M is silent?
Yes. The first M, but the second M, you sound?
If you want to. OK, fine.
Say it again slowly? Mmuseumm.
OK. Mmmmmuseummmm.
Museum. Thank you.
'Opened in 2012, the Mmuseumm is housed in a goods elevator,
'which this afternoon has reached the temperature of fresh lava.'
My glasses are slipping off my nose.
'When they say the Mmuseumm challenges you to find meaning
'in objects from around the world, which had been overlooked,
'dismissed or ignored - and they actually say this
'in this condescending sign - they're not joking about it being a challenge.
'Exhibits include different kinds of cornflakes and things left
'by illegal immigrants crossing into America.'
These are good, these Trump accessories.
The Trump energy drink.
He has an energy drink?
I actually own The Art of the Comeback myself in paperback.
How is it? It's heavy going.
It's heavy going. Maybe he wrote it on the energy drink. Yeah.
'Above the Trump collection are cookies displaying major events
'of 2015, including the VW emission scandal
'and edible instances of the refugee crisis.
'There is also an audio guide - God help us - to unlock the complex imagery.'
Would you like to listen to the audio recording?
I'd like my head to cool down.
It's very hot. I tell you what the story of this,
it's the incredible melting man, that's what the story is right here.
I'm not even incredible.
It's like the slightly bemused melting man.
I want you to be comfortable, that's why I'm here,
that's what friendship is.
AUDIO RECORDING: '21.25 g.'
This is hell. This is hell in here.
I'm in a lift on my phone looking at weird... I mean, this is hell.
AUDIO RECORDING: '..reference number at any time.'
Do you want me to enter another reference number? No, I don't.
I'm very hot. I'm sorry, I apologise.
It's not your fault.
You didn't design this. No, she didn't.
You're just out of work.
Well, thank you. I'm going to leave.
This has been something.
It really has. So great, thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you for being here. We had a really great time.
'My personal ire index at incandescent,
'I insist we blast free of Manhattan and cross, via its eponymous bridge,
'to Brooklyn, leaving Katherine just seconds to source a new outfit.'
Thank you for letting me change my shoes.
You're more than welcome.
I keep causing you delays but I'm so comfortable now.
250,000 people cross the bridge daily.
120,000 vehicles.
It's a good bridge. Hell of a bridge.
1,825 metres.
It feels like longer.
'But enough of this bridge-based baloney.
'The final reckoning is upon us.'
Let's sum this up while we're upstaged by the background.
How's the trip? I'm absolutely thrilled that you've brought me
to New York, Richard. I had a fab time.
Well, you're very welcome. I love the Rockefeller Centre. Good.
I loved the Met. Yes. Mmuseumm.
Yes. I even loved the food tourism.
For me,
this trip was of two halves, Before Cronut and After Cronut.
After Cronut is a blur, I don't know what happened, I'm just...
I don't know what's going on now.
It's still going through my blood.
'Our trip to New York cost ?975 per person.
'Small beans for a weekend crammed with culture, camaraderie and cronuts.'
I mean, New York is very good.
It's the city of dreams.
I think they've certainly built themselves a city
on a national scale, if not an international scale.
It has been my absolute pleasure to join you.
I am thrilled to be here.
Well, you're more than welcome. We'll settle up at the airport.
OK. Because this wasn't cheap. No, of course not.
'Next time, a two-day romp around Helsinki with actor Paul Rudd.'
Oh, God, it's like swallowing phlegm!
Subtitles by Ericsson