1
00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:06,760
To mini break is to prise open
the crack of crazy,

2
00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:09,280
behind which lurks the absurd notion
of leaving your house,

3
00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:10,920
certain motion sickness

4
00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:14,000
and the terrifying prospect
of interacting with other cultures.

5
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,120
How can a cat get his
or her bearings

6
00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:18,240
without jettisoning
a full bag of marbles?

7
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:20,680
But do not uncoil your private fury.

8
00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:23,280
For I, the current avatar
for Richard Ayoade,

9
00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:27,280
am about to separate the fresh
from the wickety-wickety-wack.

10
00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:30,600
I, whilst yoked to some people who
have long since lost their right

11
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,000
to earthly anonymity,

12
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:36,000
am going to take you hurtling
through a maxi mini break.

13
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:40,240
This is travel without mercy.

14
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:44,240
Tonight, 48 hours in -
or not very far from - Naples.

15
00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:48,080
Over 2.5 mill tourists a year

16
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:51,200
come here to amble
through ancient history,

17
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:55,200
nuzzle 'neath natural wonders and
peruse a phalanx of other phenomena.

18
00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:00,280
'Joining me to explore this
Neapolitan nebula is comedian,

19
00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:04,280
'writer and fellow enthusiast,
Jack Dee.

20
00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:07,360
'Together, we will scoot
like one linen beast...'

21
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:10,520
I should have a cigarette
and a coffee.

22
00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,240
'..lose our shiz
in a pizzeria...'

23
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:17,080
He's just taken over. He's not
allowing me to build my confidence.

24
00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,040
'..and apply hip-hop vernacular
to footwear.'

25
00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:22,760
People's sandal game is tight here.

26
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:26,760
We're here but should we have come?

27
00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:33,800
A flight time of 150 mins brings you
to Italy's third-largest city.

28
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Stazione di Montesanto.

29
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:41,000
That's right. 1891.

30
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:44,760
Is that when it was built?
It's been doing business since 1891.

31
00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:47,520
You know a lot. Oh, thanks.

32
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,640
'Like many cities that aren't
Norwich,

33
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:52,520
'Naples is hilly, so its public
transport is fashioned

34
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:56,520
'to eviscerate inclines.'
Here we are.

35
00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,800
Buongiorno.

36
00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:01,320
Montesanto funicular?
Yeah.

37
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:04,120
The orange line, one
of my favourites.

38
00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:06,440
The second of the city's
four funicular lines.

39
00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:09,120
I'll be 100% honest with you,
though, Richard,

40
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,920
it's not as steep
as I was hoping it would be.

41
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:14,000
This makes me think they could have
probably got away

42
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:17,360
with a normal flat train
and just people doing that a bit.

43
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:19,640
You're saying this is an
affectation?

44
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,080
I won't go as far as that.

45
00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:24,160
I'm just saying it's not as much
fun-icular as I thought it would be.

46
00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,920
I understand. Do you see what I did?
Yeah.

47
00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:30,000
So, Richard, why have you
brought me to Naples?

48
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:33,800
Well, I'm literally
about to tell you.

49
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,600
Settled by the ancient Greeks
approx 2000 years BC,

50
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:40,600
Naples is 1,300 years older than the
embarrassingly nouveau city of Rome

51
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:43,080
and is rammed full of old shiz.

52
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,840
The Bay of Naples offers comely
coastline as well as

53
00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:48,200
the possibility
of airborne lava.

54
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:49,760
And the novelist Stendhal

55
00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:52,560
called Naples and Paris
the two only capitals,

56
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:56,560
shortly before he massively
failed his geography GCSE.

57
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:01,520
'Mini breakers with a tight mitt
on their wad

58
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,960
'could enjoy a weekend in Naples
for £235 per pers,

59
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:08,960
'a figure we will supersede as soon
as we check into this hotel.'

60
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:12,080
Buongiorno.
Buongiorno.

61
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,160
Welcome in Naples.

62
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:18,160
The hotel San Francesco Al Monte
is a 500-year-old former monastery.

63
00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:22,320
As well as modish guff
like a rooftop pool and a spa,

64
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:26,320
it retains attractive old shiz like
staircases dug into the hillside...

65
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,680
This must be a nightmare to dust.

66
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,840
'..and original artwork.'

67
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,440
I imagine that's what breakfast
will be like.

68
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,440
Yeah, very similar. Less dairy.

69
00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:41,440
'Its lockable rooms offer what are
very much views of the city
and Mount Vesuvius.

70
00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,160
'But we don't have time to gawp at
the currently dormant crust of a

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00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:47,600
'planetary mass object.'

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00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,120
We need to scope the city's
landmarks,

73
00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:53,680
reduce the character of Naples
and the Neapolitan people
to a few soundbites

74
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:55,960
and then finish with some
kind of vista while we summarise

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00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,280
the overall experience
in an overly glib manner.

76
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:01,800
There's no time to lose!

77
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,200
Welcome to Naples. Thank you.

78
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,800
This is Napoleon Vespa.

79
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:08,160
This is the best way for running
tour in Naples

80
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,080
because we can avoid
all the traffic jam

81
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:14,120
and we can reach
all the areas of Naples.

82
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,960
'The tour uses classic 1960s Vespas
and is powered by fuel

83
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:21,400
'sourced from Paul Weller's
discarded Rickenbackers.'

84
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:25,400
Are you going to come on the back
with me? I was born a passenger.

85
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,560
'Most people taking the tour
ride pillion

86
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:31,560
'but Jack's motorcycle prowess
cannot be contained by regs.'

87
00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:34,120
Come with me.

88
00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:37,400
Michele snakes us through
Naples' historic centre.

89
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,200
We round the Piazza Trieste
e Trento,

90
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,560
its equivalent
to Piccadilly Circus.

91
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,440
Isn't that nice? Isn't that so nice?

92
00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:45,640
Oh, my goodness.

93
00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,680
'Before we perimeter
the city's largest square,

94
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:51,520
'the Piazza Del Plebiscito...

95
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:53,400
'..all of which pass in a heady haze

96
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,560
'as Jack rides roughshod
round the city's cobbles...'

97
00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,960
Oh, hello. They are extremely
rough to ride on, aren't they?

98
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:03,680
'..and embraces its relaxed
approach to road safety.'

99
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:05,720
It seems to be that everyone
just pushes in

100
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,920
and expects everyone else to stop.

101
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:11,120
I think if you did something like
indicate or use your mirrors,

102
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:15,120
you would just spoil
the system here.

103
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:18,840
'As well as showing us a sampling
of the city's notable landmarks,

104
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:22,240
'Michele secretes us under the skin
of Naples by taking us to one of

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00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,400
'its oldest neighbourhoods.'

106
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:28,000
This area is named
the Spanish quarter.

107
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:32,000
We can consider this
like the heart of Naples.

108
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:36,240
'Built in the 16th century to house
the occupying Spanish garrison,

109
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:39,560
'the quarter is characterised
by narrow streets,

110
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:43,080
'6-storey apartment blocks
and a rough and ready atmos.

111
00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:46,240
'Suffice to say,
we feel ruddy authentic.'

112
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:50,000
The people that lives here
is very, very Neapolitan.

113
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:53,600
100%. So people here,
they feel proud?

114
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,440
They don't feel ashamed.

115
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,960
No. I don't think I'll fit in,
this is the problem.

116
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,480
I'm beginning to warm to it,
you see. I'm chameleon-like.

117
00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,080
I can fit in anywhere.

118
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:06,200
We look like a really uptight people
trying to be relaxed.

119
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,760
What do we look like?
Where does he look like he's from?

120
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,560
England. Thank you.

121
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:13,920
Let's go.

122
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:17,920
'Back on the bike, Jack dives
ever deeper into character.'

123
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:23,040
If they see you riding around like
a kind of casual guy, like this,

124
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:25,240
they're going to take you seriously.

125
00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:28,400
Just sort of do this. See,
this guy, he's not going to hit me.

126
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,960
He thinks I'm local cos I'm so cool.

127
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:34,120
I should have a cigarette... OK.
..and a coffee.

128
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:37,360
Maybe you should be
flipping a pancake? Exactly.

129
00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:39,200
'After a lap of the new castle,

130
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,600
'built when Naples was the
capital of southern Italy,

131
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,280
'our tour ends at Ortensio,

132
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:47,280
'an area usually known
for its fine views of the Bay.

133
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:52,600
Today, the weather
is not really good but normally

134
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,600
the Vesuvius Mountain
is just in front of us.

135
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,120
That could blow at any moment? Yes.

136
00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:01,320
Maybe we could just keep a hold
of these Vespas

137
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:03,160
for a little bit longer.

138
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:05,000
You're a coward, aren't you?

139
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,960
I am frightened
of volcanoes erupting.

140
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,760
Do you think you could beat one?

141
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,880
It's not going to go.
It's not likely at all.

142
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:14,880
When I'm out of here on my Vespa,
laughing, when you're going...

143
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:20,080
..we'll see.
We'll see who's the fool.

144
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:23,120
'Now we have an expert handle on the
city's geography

145
00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,840
'and the Neapolitan psyche,
we turn our attention

146
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:28,160
'to commanding its cuisine.'

147
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:30,600
What have you lined up here?
What are we doing? 

148
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,440
We're going to learn to make pizza

149
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,480
because I know
you're a gourmet chef.

150
00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,000
All Naples is talking about it.

151
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,120
Oh, no, no, that's not true.

152
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,880
'Naples is the birthplace of pizza
and at this seafront restaurant,

153
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:44,480
'Kira and chef Guillermo
teach students

154
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,680
'to make a totally authentic pizza

155
00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:50,680
'adhering to the strict rules of the
true Neapolitan Pizza Association.'

156
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,400
Just wash our hands and...

157
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:56,000
Oh, never mind. You're kind
of picking it up like that.

158
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,520
'Type 00 flour, sea salt,

159
00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:01,360
'water and yeast are mixed in a
traditional wooden bucket
for ten minutes

160
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,480
'before kneading can begin.'

161
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:05,280
I make bread, so I have done it.

162
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:07,640
I've done this bit before.
It's boring, but...

163
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:10,360
Yeah, and you're probably
a really sensitive lover as well.

164
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:14,360
It's just sickening. It's like
looking at a young Paul Hollywood.

165
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,840
'It was the arrival
of the tomato from America

166
00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:19,560
'that gave birth to the pizza,

167
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:23,320
'so our tutors insist
we study this fruit in earnest.'

168
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,520
That's a heck of a tomato.

169
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,840
In America, do you get this type
of tomato?

170
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,600
Probably just whatever you can get
out of the can. Really?

171
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:33,880
'The rules stipulate a pizza base
must be formed by hand,

172
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,320
'not exceed 350 millimetres
in diameter

173
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:39,160
'and be four millimetres thick
at the centre.'

174
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:42,000
So, can we call that one mine?
No? OK.

175
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:45,680
'Students who fail to get it exactly
right are cruelly humiliated

176
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:49,680
'and forced to practise
with a tea towel.'

177
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:52,880
I have to go in that corner.
You go to the corner!

178
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:54,720
I know. I went to school.

179
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,480
Take the tea towel and practise.

180
00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:58,160
OK, here we go.

181
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,440
Sorry about Richard -
he's very insecure.

182
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,040
OK.

183
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:03,800
OK. Here he goes.

184
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,560
Perfect. Did you hear that, Richard?

185
00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:08,560
Yeah, teacher's pet, I see.

186
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:10,240
Is that the pizza or the tea towel?

187
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,160
I can't tell.

188
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:15,120
OK. Sorry. I'm trying to learn.

189
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:18,840
I'm trying to learn.

190
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:22,160
'According to tradition, there are
only two true types of pizza,

191
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:24,120
'the margarita and the marinara.

192
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:27,320
'So toppings are ruthlessly
regulated.'

193
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:31,320
He's just taken over. He is not
allowing me to build my confidence.

194
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,880
'Then our creations are consigned
to the searing heat of a traditional

195
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:38,880
'woodfired oven for approx
90 secs.'

196
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,200
Do you like it?

197
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,440
No, it's fine. A little
pineapple wouldn't have hurt.

198
00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:46,920
Do you ever put pineapple on pizza?

199
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,160
No.

200
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,040
Sorry. That was his idea.

201
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:51,520
You eat pizza with pineapple?

202
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,120
You've never had pineapple pizza?

203
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:57,120
No. Well, it seems like you are
the student and I am the master.

204
00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:58,720
No.

205
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:02,720
'I realise these primitive people
are opposed to progress so we chip.'

206
00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:05,960
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Ciao.

207
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:09,960
'Like frantic voles, we now resolve
to burrow into Roman history,

208
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:13,480
'the biggest tourist draw in Naples.

209
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:17,480
'One of the best preserved Roman
ruins on earth is Herculaneum.

210
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:21,560
'This attractive Roman town was
buried under metres of volcanic mud

211
00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:23,600
'when Vesuvius erupted in 79AD

212
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:27,600
'and was subsequently enveloped
by suburban Naples.

213
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:32,120
'We hire a guide, Emiliano,
for added historical heft.'

214
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:35,960
Is it true everyone escaped
from Herculaneum?

215
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:39,400
No, not true. Most of the people
died by the sea.

216
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:43,400
They first died from the gas
and afterwards, the mudslides
covered them.

217
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:48,360
'Until the eruption compromised
everyone's comfort,

218
00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:50,600
'Herculaneum was a great place to
live,

219
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,520
'with excellent local amenities.'

220
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,720
A public toilet. I would have been
all over that.

221
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:58,160
I know where all of them are.
I have a tiny bladder.

222
00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:01,520
'Homes were so small that Romans
ate out most of the time.

223
00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:04,840
'There were restaurants.'
What sort of food would be in here?

224
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:08,840
Simple food. You know, they served
the bread, cheese, olives,
dried figs.

225
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:11,040
Were people quite short
because this is low?

226
00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:14,320
The average height of a Roman
legionary was five foot three.

227
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:17,200
This is wheelchair-friendly.

228
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:18,920
'And this was an open-air gym.'

229
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,840
That's probably where I'd be
most of the time.

230
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,320
Yes. Are you good
at Greco-Roman fight?

231
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,120
Yes, I am. OK. Want to try?

232
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:28,120
Let's go. Slowly touch.

233
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,640
OK, that's it. Did I win that one?

234
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:32,600
And then what happens? I push you.

235
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,760
Oh, crumbs, he's very strong.
Just push against...

236
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,480
OK, I don't know whether
that was orthodox rules.

237
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,120
That was impressive. It was.

238
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,480
This is the kind of town
I'd like to have lived in.

239
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,120
Yes, it would have suited Richard.

240
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:47,040
No cars, you can eat out,
you can work out, and there's
a public toilet.

241
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,200
And you're done. OK.

242
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:51,640
I still have a few more remains
to see but I'll get back to you.

243
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:54,480
Thank you very much.
It's been terrific.

244
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,560
We appreciate it. See you.
All right.

245
00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:57,840
Cheers. Bye.

246
00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:00,120
Is there a gift shop?

247
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,880
'Bonces abounding
with freshly culled knowledge,

248
00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:06,880
'we draw to part one's timely end,
but on our triumphant return,

249
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,680
'we will wage war over wagers...'

250
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:11,720
If I win, 100%.

251
00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:13,840
If you win, 50%.

252
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,240
'Have this brief verbal exchange.'

253
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,520
When we go home, are you going to
call it CAP-ri?

254
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,840
I'm going to never speak
of this again.

255
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,480
'And start preparations
for Christmas.'

256
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,720
Don't be surprised at the back of
the shop if you find a shopkeeper

257
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:32,000
bent over a figurine.

258
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,480
Jack Dee and I, Richard Ayoade,

259
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,760
the man saddled with this
dreadful voice,

260
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,960
are halfway through an
exemplary weekend in Naples.

261
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,520
Thus far, we have scooted...

262
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:49,640
We look like some awful, oatmeal,
mod duo.

263
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,080
..surveyed...

264
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,560
Were people were quite short?
Because this is low.

265
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,040
..and swallowed pizza.

266
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:56,920
That's a heck of a tomato.

267
00:12:56,920 --> 00:13:00,480
Day two begins with rain
and recklessness.

268
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,400
The continually present threat of
death via volcano

269
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:06,080
has made Neapolitans
uncommonly superstitious,

270
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:07,720
and obsessed with luck.

271
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:11,520
The lottery's been in rude business
here since the 17th century,

272
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,760
and with the draw held later today,

273
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:17,440
we throw in our figurative hat.

274
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:21,000
This chart is based on an ancient
book, La Smorfia.

275
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,880
It translates your dreams
into numbers,

276
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:26,880
and is a common sight in Neapolitan
lottery shops.

277
00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:29,880
If you dreamed about flowers,
you put 81.

278
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,440
What does the hand dream?

279
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:36,440
Refers to the five fingers, magical
symbol for thousands of years.

280
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:38,920
Oh, you brought your own guide?

281
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,080
See, you're prepared.
I don't know anything.

282
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:42,240
This is...

283
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:45,320
..a squid inside a guitar.

284
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,040
No interpretation required, really.

285
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:48,560
But... No, go on.

286
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:52,560
Well, it is the sexual congress.

287
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:55,240
Right. It means intercourse.

288
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:56,800
Really? Yeah.

289
00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:00,520
To me, what this looks like is
that squid's trying to get out.

290
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:01,560
Rather than in?

291
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:05,520
He got lost last night and is going,
"I've ended up in a guitar again."

292
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:08,120
You know, a lot of it is weird,
cos, you know,

293
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:12,080
they say dreams are actually only
a fraction of a second long.

294
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,640
But I know that isn't the case

295
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:17,360
cos in a dream I had,
quite recently, I boiled an egg.

296
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:19,000
Right.

297
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,320
Four minutes. Yes.

298
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,360
Four minutes.

299
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:25,600
OK. I'm not even going to fill in
the last two numbers.

300
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:26,680
I want you to do them.

301
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,840
You want me to do them for you?
Yes, based on your new and frankly

302
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,760
terrifying command of numerology.

303
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:34,840
I'm going to pay, so if I win, 100%.

304
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:37,520
If you win, 50%.

305
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:38,560
Cos, I am paying.

306
00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:40,960
Ah, but I'm choosing.
I've helped you a lot.

307
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,800
That's not going to stand up
in court at all.

308
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:47,800
Cos you can see, the money's come
from my pocket.

309
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,480
How much, for this?

310
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,080
There's going to be a real
language problem here.

311
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:56,840
That's 1 euro?

312
00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:59,400
And if I don't win,
do I get a refund?

313
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:00,680
OK.

314
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:02,080
Seems like we've just bought one.

315
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,800
We made quite heavy weather of that.
Yeah.

316
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,920
With the winning ticket selected
and the weather wettening apace,

317
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,480
we head to the port.

318
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:12,200
Whenceforth, we'll set sail
for the isle of Capri,

319
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,800
a site that demands any
mini-breaker's eyeballs.

320
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:17,200
It's not really what I was
hoping for.

321
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:21,200
I don't think this is top
manufacturing on this umbrella.

322
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,360
Oh, dear. Yes, is it falling
apart already?

323
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,920
Because my yacht's helicopter pad
is being repainted,

324
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:28,480
we're bumming a ride on the ferry.

325
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,760
It seems like it's clearing.

326
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:34,000
I don't do brilliantly on ferries,

327
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,600
so, we could be looking at
a Linda Blair situation here.

328
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,480
Do you feel a bit queasy?

329
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:41,680
I feel pretty queasy.

330
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:44,840
As many as 20,000 tourists a day
disembark at Capri,

331
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:47,800
lured here by its movie glamour,
dramatic topography,

332
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,800
and reputation for risque revelry.

333
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:53,560
Yet it somehow lacks the raw
vitality of a Guernsey.

334
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,640
It's a bit sad about the weather.
Are you?

335
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:58,280
We should have come yesterday,
like I said.

336
00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:00,240
You're being quite negative.

337
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:04,080
You can reach the town of Capri
by another funicular railway,

338
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:07,760
or in one of the island's
hubristically ruthless taxis.

339
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:09,640
Is it safe driving around
the island?

340
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:11,240
Yes. Sure, sure.

341
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,360
If we go slow, it's more panoramic.

342
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,000
If you go fast,
you don't see nothing.

343
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,120
No, we won't see anything,
you're right.

344
00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:20,880
We rollock forth in the skid marks
of Grace Kelly,

345
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:24,160
Jackie Kennedy and Mariah Carey.

346
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:26,040
What do you want to know about
CAP-ri,

347
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:27,560
as it is pronounced locally?

348
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:30,440
Well, that is the thing I was
anxious to know about.

349
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:32,520
Where to put the syllabic emphasis.

350
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:35,000
Well, I was self-conscious that
I was calling it Cap-RI and...

351
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,080
Yes, from the Ford Cap-RI. Yeah.

352
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:41,080
Also named after CAP?ri, with the
Caprese salad and the Capri pant.

353
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,240
Yeah, and I have been getting
it wrong, it's CAP-ri.

354
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:44,280
CAP-ri.

355
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,880
When we go home, are you going to
call it CAP-ri?

356
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,080
I'm going to never speak of this
again.

357
00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:50,560
Yeah. That's wise.

358
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:54,360
Now, this was first inhabited in
the eighth century BC,

359
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,120
by the Greeks.

360
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:57,840
Then Augustus rocked up,

361
00:16:57,840 --> 00:16:59,440
followed by Tiberius.

362
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,280
He retired here... Did he?

363
00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,920
..and started a lot of
pyjama parties. Like Hef.

364
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:06,480
It was known for its debauchery,
wasn't it?

365
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:08,000
It was known for its debauchery.

366
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,840
Not something I approve of.

367
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,440
The debauch.

368
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,680
No. I concede that you wouldn't
really like that scene.

369
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,800
I'm not saying I would.

370
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:20,520
Well, super injunctions don't apply
out here, Jack.

371
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:23,840
Like the tourists we are,
we conclude our Capri schlep

372
00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:26,600
with a meander through Capri Town.

373
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,560
That car is too thin.

374
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,880
Gawping at fussily arranged window
displays of

375
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:32,920
super-inflated knick-knackery.

376
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:36,160
Very preppy jackets. Yeah.

377
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:40,160
Before heading to the vendor of
traditional Italian quenchers.

378
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:43,040
What do you call them here?

379
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,880
Granita di limone. Granita,
of course. Sorry, yeah.

380
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:49,880
It's just fresh lemon, 2%
of sugar and a little bit of water.

381
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,280
Very big lemons.

382
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:53,560
These lemons come from our gardens.

383
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,280
Do you want a pack of Crik Crok?

384
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:59,280
Yes, I would like some.
Can we get two Crik Croks?

385
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:06,560
Quite wealthy, Capri,
compared to Naples.

386
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,040
It's incredibly beautiful. Yes.

387
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:10,920
But, their boutiques and stuff,
it's like a...

388
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:14,280
Very fancy. Yeah, it's like a really
smart shopping mall that has

389
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:16,880
somehow escaped and started
its own island.

390
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:20,000
Swarming with people
who don't live here.

391
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:23,280
I think about two million a year
come... It's only five miles across.

392
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,080
They've all come today as well.

393
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:26,520
They're all here.

394
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:29,920
All come to look in the window
of Prada.

395
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:31,920
After our fill of Capri sun,

396
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:35,040
we return to Naples
in search of souvenirs.

397
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:39,040
We decide that the most reflective
image of our stay is the Nativity,

398
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,200
so we head to the Via San
Gregorio Armeno,

399
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:45,720
where the crib scene is strong.

400
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:47,320
Since the 17th century,

401
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:51,320
year-round, you can get
Nativity scenes.

402
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,000
They make them themselves?
They make them, they paint them.

403
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,760
I was reading a guide, it said don't
be surprised if you walk into

404
00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:01,760
the back of the shop and find
the shopkeeper bent over a figurine.

405
00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:04,000
Don't be surprised. Don't judge him.

406
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,320
Very awkward moment for me.

407
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,280
This is exactly how it would have
been in Bethlehem.

408
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:12,360
With all of these people.
This is a modernisation of it.

409
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:16,160
Your crib can now incorporate
all these modern people.

410
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:17,760
Amy Winehouse.

411
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:19,760
Prince Harry - it's a bit of
an embarrassing one.

412
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,120
Right.

413
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:22,520
Well.

414
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,040
Bongiorno. Bongiorno.

415
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:25,160
You're doing the...?

416
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:26,280
Yes.

417
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:27,480
Who is it?

418
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,080
Er, quo...qui esta?

419
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:33,080
HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

420
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:35,480
OK.

421
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:39,400
Entranced by the artistry, we
move to the next logical step...

422
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:40,560
Acquisition.

423
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:41,680
How much is this one?

424
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:45,360
How much?

425
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,280
3,000 euro.

426
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,040
3,000 euros.

427
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,440
We may be looking at a smaller one.

428
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:55,440
This is all I have.
I have 100 euros.

429
00:19:56,320 --> 00:20:00,160
We're looking more over here.
The smaller ones, I think.

430
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,880
Donkey. How much is this?

431
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:03,560
20. 20 euros.

432
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:05,680
20? You could afford five donkeys.

433
00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:08,400
How much for these two
depressed bunnies?

434
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,120
40 euro. 40 each?

435
00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:15,000
So, for my 100, I can get this.

436
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:19,000
OK. Thank you very much.

437
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:21,840
I feel, in a way, this is more
compensation for your time...

438
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:22,880
Thank you!

439
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,720
..than anything else.

440
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:26,040
He's been very patient with you.

441
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,440
He's been very patient.

442
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:31,960
Oh, look at that. And a bow.
Thank you very much. Bye-bye.

443
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,920
See you soon. Ciao!

444
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,640
I think you did quite well there.
Thank you.

445
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:40,320
I was expecting you to haggle. No.

446
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:41,760
With check-in looming,

447
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:45,760
we cop cakes and coffee before
heading seawards for a debrief.

448
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:52,760
This last chomp rounds out
a spend of ?536 each.

449
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,400
So, what do you make of Naples?

450
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,840
Well, I like that
it's not really touristy.

451
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:04,160
The nice thing about going to
somewhere like Naples, no-one says,

452
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:07,200
"Oh, you should have come here ten
years ago before it all changed."

453
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:10,720
I think if you want a really
authentic experience,

454
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:12,720
I think this is the place for that.

455
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:15,440
In a trip of highlights,

456
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,720
which has been your favourite?

457
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:21,600
Probably the Vespa tour.

458
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:22,840
I felt free.

459
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,400
Well, you're an expert rider, I
have to say that. Well, thank you.

460
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,440
Did you feel safe?

461
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:30,000
In many ways, I felt more alive than
I've ever felt.

462
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,800
Gosh. Well, that is
a nice compliment.

463
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,160
What about you, Richard?
To use a horrible expression,

464
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,600
what's your takeaway?

465
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:40,600
Well, I think this moment,
assessing all the other moments...

466
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:42,720
Yes. Looking back.

467
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,280
..and ranking them.

468
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:45,880
And also, this. The lottery.

469
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:47,040
Ah, the lottery. Of course!

470
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:50,280
That was tremendous, and let's
see... I've got the ticket.

471
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:52,320
Do you want to see?

472
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,080
Do we have a 17?

473
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:55,280
Er, no.

474
00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:56,600
A 72?

475
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,880
No. A 36?

476
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:00,560
No. A 42?

477
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:02,480
Oh, wait a minute,

478
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,080
42, you say? Yeah.

479
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:05,600
No. 59?

480
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:08,000
No. OK.

481
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:11,320
That's it. We probably haven't won.

482
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:12,680
Well, thanks for coming.

483
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,280
No, thank you for inviting me.

484
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:16,440
I'd like to make this
an annual trip.

485
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,480
Yes, er, and, you know,

486
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:21,480
I think you should invite someone
different each time, though.

487
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:23,600
OK, that's not...what I was...

488
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:26,880
OK. Hmm.

489
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:30,880
I'm going to have my cake.

490
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:49,000
Subtitles by Ericsson

491
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:50,000
</P></Sync> </Body>