To mini break is to prise open the crack of crazy,
behind which lurks the absurd notion of leaving your house,
certain motion sickness
and the terrifying prospect of interacting with other cultures.
How can a cat get his or her bearings
without jettisoning a full bag of marbles?
But do not uncoil your private fury.
For I, the current avatar for Richard Ayoade,
am about to separate the fresh from the wickety-wickety-wack.
I, whilst yoked to some people who have long since lost their right
to earthly anonymity,
am going to take you hurtling through a maxi mini break.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, 48 hours in - or not very far from - Naples.
Over 2.5 mill tourists a year
come here to amble through ancient history,
nuzzle 'neath natural wonders and peruse a phalanx of other phenomena.
'Joining me to explore this Neapolitan nebula is comedian,
'writer and fellow enthusiast, Jack Dee.
'Together, we will scoot like one linen beast...'
I should have a cigarette and a coffee.
'..lose our shiz in a pizzeria...'
He's just taken over. He's not allowing me to build my confidence.
'..and apply hip-hop vernacular to footwear.'
People's sandal game is tight here.
We're here but should we have come?
A flight time of 150 mins brings you to Italy's third-largest city.
Stazione di Montesanto.
That's right. 1891.
Is that when it was built? It's been doing business since 1891.
You know a lot. Oh, thanks.
'Like many cities that aren't Norwich,
'Naples is hilly, so its public transport is fashioned
'to eviscerate inclines.' Here we are.
Buongiorno.
Montesanto funicular? Yeah.
The orange line, one of my favourites.
The second of the city's four funicular lines.
I'll be 100% honest with you, though, Richard,
it's not as steep as I was hoping it would be.
This makes me think they could have probably got away
with a normal flat train and just people doing that a bit.
You're saying this is an affectation?
I won't go as far as that.
I'm just saying it's not as much fun-icular as I thought it would be.
I understand. Do you see what I did? Yeah.
So, Richard, why have you brought me to Naples?
Well, I'm literally about to tell you.
Settled by the ancient Greeks approx 2000 years BC,
Naples is 1,300 years older than the embarrassingly nouveau city of Rome
and is rammed full of old shiz.
The Bay of Naples offers comely coastline as well as
the possibility of airborne lava.
And the novelist Stendhal
called Naples and Paris the two only capitals,
shortly before he massively failed his geography GCSE.
'Mini breakers with a tight mitt on their wad
'could enjoy a weekend in Naples for £235 per pers,
'a figure we will supersede as soon as we check into this hotel.'
Buongiorno. Buongiorno.
Welcome in Naples.
The hotel San Francesco Al Monte is a 500-year-old former monastery.
As well as modish guff like a rooftop pool and a spa,
it retains attractive old shiz like staircases dug into the hillside...
This must be a nightmare to dust.
'..and original artwork.'
I imagine that's what breakfast will be like.
Yeah, very similar. Less dairy.
'Its lockable rooms offer what are very much views of the city and Mount Vesuvius.
'But we don't have time to gawp at the currently dormant crust of a
'planetary mass object.'
We need to scope the city's landmarks,
reduce the character of Naples and the Neapolitan people to a few soundbites
and then finish with some kind of vista while we summarise
the overall experience in an overly glib manner.
There's no time to lose!
Welcome to Naples. Thank you.
This is Napoleon Vespa.
This is the best way for running tour in Naples
because we can avoid all the traffic jam
and we can reach all the areas of Naples.
'The tour uses classic 1960s Vespas and is powered by fuel
'sourced from Paul Weller's discarded Rickenbackers.'
Are you going to come on the back with me? I was born a passenger.
'Most people taking the tour ride pillion
'but Jack's motorcycle prowess cannot be contained by regs.'
Come with me.
Michele snakes us through Naples' historic centre.
We round the Piazza Trieste e Trento,
its equivalent to Piccadilly Circus.
Isn't that nice? Isn't that so nice?
Oh, my goodness.
'Before we perimeter the city's largest square,
'the Piazza Del Plebiscito...
'..all of which pass in a heady haze
'as Jack rides roughshod round the city's cobbles...'
Oh, hello. They are extremely rough to ride on, aren't they?
'..and embraces its relaxed approach to road safety.'
It seems to be that everyone just pushes in
and expects everyone else to stop.
I think if you did something like indicate or use your mirrors,
you would just spoil the system here.
'As well as showing us a sampling of the city's notable landmarks,
'Michele secretes us under the skin of Naples by taking us to one of
'its oldest neighbourhoods.'
This area is named the Spanish quarter.
We can consider this like the heart of Naples.
'Built in the 16th century to house the occupying Spanish garrison,
'the quarter is characterised by narrow streets,
'6-storey apartment blocks and a rough and ready atmos.
'Suffice to say, we feel ruddy authentic.'
The people that lives here is very, very Neapolitan.
100%. So people here, they feel proud?
They don't feel ashamed.
No. I don't think I'll fit in, this is the problem.
I'm beginning to warm to it, you see. I'm chameleon-like.
I can fit in anywhere.
We look like a really uptight people trying to be relaxed.
What do we look like? Where does he look like he's from?
England. Thank you.
Let's go.
'Back on the bike, Jack dives ever deeper into character.'
If they see you riding around like a kind of casual guy, like this,
they're going to take you seriously.
Just sort of do this. See, this guy, he's not going to hit me.
He thinks I'm local cos I'm so cool.
I should have a cigarette... OK. ..and a coffee.
Maybe you should be flipping a pancake? Exactly.
'After a lap of the new castle,
'built when Naples was the capital of southern Italy,
'our tour ends at Ortensio,
'an area usually known for its fine views of the Bay.
Today, the weather is not really good but normally
the Vesuvius Mountain is just in front of us.
That could blow at any moment? Yes.
Maybe we could just keep a hold of these Vespas
for a little bit longer.
You're a coward, aren't you?
I am frightened of volcanoes erupting.
Do you think you could beat one?
It's not going to go. It's not likely at all.
When I'm out of here on my Vespa, laughing, when you're going...
..we'll see. We'll see who's the fool.
'Now we have an expert handle on the city's geography
'and the Neapolitan psyche, we turn our attention
'to commanding its cuisine.'
What have you lined up here? What are we doing?
We're going to learn to make pizza
because I know you're a gourmet chef.
All Naples is talking about it.
Oh, no, no, that's not true.
'Naples is the birthplace of pizza and at this seafront restaurant,
'Kira and chef Guillermo teach students
'to make a totally authentic pizza
'adhering to the strict rules of the true Neapolitan Pizza Association.'
Just wash our hands and...
Oh, never mind. You're kind of picking it up like that.
'Type 00 flour, sea salt,
'water and yeast are mixed in a traditional wooden bucket for ten minutes
'before kneading can begin.'
I make bread, so I have done it.
I've done this bit before. It's boring, but...
Yeah, and you're probably a really sensitive lover as well.
It's just sickening. It's like looking at a young Paul Hollywood.
'It was the arrival of the tomato from America
'that gave birth to the pizza,
'so our tutors insist we study this fruit in earnest.'
That's a heck of a tomato.
In America, do you get this type of tomato?
Probably just whatever you can get out of the can. Really?
'The rules stipulate a pizza base must be formed by hand,
'not exceed 350 millimetres in diameter
'and be four millimetres thick at the centre.'
So, can we call that one mine? No? OK.
'Students who fail to get it exactly right are cruelly humiliated
'and forced to practise with a tea towel.'
I have to go in that corner. You go to the corner!
I know. I went to school.
Take the tea towel and practise.
OK, here we go.
Sorry about Richard - he's very insecure.
OK.
OK. Here he goes.
Perfect. Did you hear that, Richard?
Yeah, teacher's pet, I see.
Is that the pizza or the tea towel?
I can't tell.
OK. Sorry. I'm trying to learn.
I'm trying to learn.
'According to tradition, there are only two true types of pizza,
'the margarita and the marinara.
'So toppings are ruthlessly regulated.'
He's just taken over. He is not allowing me to build my confidence.
'Then our creations are consigned to the searing heat of a traditional
'woodfired oven for approx 90 secs.'
Do you like it?
No, it's fine. A little pineapple wouldn't have hurt.
Do you ever put pineapple on pizza?
No.
Sorry. That was his idea.
You eat pizza with pineapple?
You've never had pineapple pizza?
No. Well, it seems like you are the student and I am the master.
No.
'I realise these primitive people are opposed to progress so we chip.'
Thank you very much. Thank you. Ciao.
'Like frantic voles, we now resolve to burrow into Roman history,
'the biggest tourist draw in Naples.
'One of the best preserved Roman ruins on earth is Herculaneum.
'This attractive Roman town was buried under metres of volcanic mud
'when Vesuvius erupted in 79AD
'and was subsequently enveloped by suburban Naples.
'We hire a guide, Emiliano, for added historical heft.'
Is it true everyone escaped from Herculaneum?
No, not true. Most of the people died by the sea.
They first died from the gas and afterwards, the mudslides covered them.
'Until the eruption compromised everyone's comfort,
'Herculaneum was a great place to live,
'with excellent local amenities.'
A public toilet. I would have been all over that.
I know where all of them are. I have a tiny bladder.
'Homes were so small that Romans ate out most of the time.
'There were restaurants.' What sort of food would be in here?
Simple food. You know, they served the bread, cheese, olives, dried figs.
Were people quite short because this is low?
The average height of a Roman legionary was five foot three.
This is wheelchair-friendly.
'And this was an open-air gym.'
That's probably where I'd be most of the time.
Yes. Are you good at Greco-Roman fight?
Yes, I am. OK. Want to try?
Let's go. Slowly touch.
OK, that's it. Did I win that one?
And then what happens? I push you.
Oh, crumbs, he's very strong. Just push against...
OK, I don't know whether that was orthodox rules.
That was impressive. It was.
This is the kind of town I'd like to have lived in.
Yes, it would have suited Richard.
No cars, you can eat out, you can work out, and there's a public toilet.
And you're done. OK.
I still have a few more remains to see but I'll get back to you.
Thank you very much. It's been terrific.
We appreciate it. See you. All right.
Cheers. Bye.
Is there a gift shop?
'Bonces abounding with freshly culled knowledge,
'we draw to part one's timely end, but on our triumphant return,
'we will wage war over wagers...'
If I win, 100%.
If you win, 50%.
'Have this brief verbal exchange.'
When we go home, are you going to call it CAP-ri?
I'm going to never speak of this again.
'And start preparations for Christmas.'
Don't be surprised at the back of the shop if you find a shopkeeper
bent over a figurine.
Jack Dee and I, Richard Ayoade,
the man saddled with this dreadful voice,
are halfway through an exemplary weekend in Naples.
Thus far, we have scooted...
We look like some awful, oatmeal, mod duo.
..surveyed...
Were people were quite short? Because this is low.
..and swallowed pizza.
That's a heck of a tomato.
Day two begins with rain and recklessness.
The continually present threat of death via volcano
has made Neapolitans uncommonly superstitious,
and obsessed with luck.
The lottery's been in rude business here since the 17th century,
and with the draw held later today,
we throw in our figurative hat.
This chart is based on an ancient book, La Smorfia.
It translates your dreams into numbers,
and is a common sight in Neapolitan lottery shops.
If you dreamed about flowers, you put 81.
What does the hand dream?
Refers to the five fingers, magical symbol for thousands of years.
Oh, you brought your own guide?
See, you're prepared. I don't know anything.
This is...
..a squid inside a guitar.
No interpretation required, really.
But... No, go on.
Well, it is the sexual congress.
Right. It means intercourse.
Really? Yeah.
To me, what this looks like is that squid's trying to get out.
Rather than in?
He got lost last night and is going, "I've ended up in a guitar again."
You know, a lot of it is weird, cos, you know,
they say dreams are actually only a fraction of a second long.
But I know that isn't the case
cos in a dream I had, quite recently, I boiled an egg.
Right.
Four minutes. Yes.
Four minutes.
OK. I'm not even going to fill in the last two numbers.
I want you to do them.
You want me to do them for you? Yes, based on your new and frankly
terrifying command of numerology.
I'm going to pay, so if I win, 100%.
If you win, 50%.
Cos, I am paying.
Ah, but I'm choosing. I've helped you a lot.
That's not going to stand up in court at all.
Cos you can see, the money's come from my pocket.
How much, for this?
There's going to be a real language problem here.
That's 1 euro?
And if I don't win, do I get a refund?
OK.
Seems like we've just bought one.
We made quite heavy weather of that. Yeah.
With the winning ticket selected and the weather wettening apace,
we head to the port.
Whenceforth, we'll set sail for the isle of Capri,
a site that demands any mini-breaker's eyeballs.
It's not really what I was hoping for.
I don't think this is top manufacturing on this umbrella.
Oh, dear. Yes, is it falling apart already?
Because my yacht's helicopter pad is being repainted,
we're bumming a ride on the ferry.
It seems like it's clearing.
I don't do brilliantly on ferries,
so, we could be looking at a Linda Blair situation here.
Do you feel a bit queasy?
I feel pretty queasy.
As many as 20,000 tourists a day disembark at Capri,
lured here by its movie glamour, dramatic topography,
and reputation for risque revelry.
Yet it somehow lacks the raw vitality of a Guernsey.
It's a bit sad about the weather. Are you?
We should have come yesterday, like I said.
You're being quite negative.
You can reach the town of Capri by another funicular railway,
or in one of the island's hubristically ruthless taxis.
Is it safe driving around the island?
Yes. Sure, sure.
If we go slow, it's more panoramic.
If you go fast, you don't see nothing.
No, we won't see anything, you're right.
We rollock forth in the skid marks of Grace Kelly,
Jackie Kennedy and Mariah Carey.
What do you want to know about CAP-ri,
as it is pronounced locally?
Well, that is the thing I was anxious to know about.
Where to put the syllabic emphasis.
Well, I was self-conscious that I was calling it Cap-RI and...
Yes, from the Ford Cap-RI. Yeah.
Also named after CAP?ri, with the Caprese salad and the Capri pant.
Yeah, and I have been getting it wrong, it's CAP-ri.
CAP-ri.
When we go home, are you going to call it CAP-ri?
I'm going to never speak of this again.
Yeah. That's wise.
Now, this was first inhabited in the eighth century BC,
by the Greeks.
Then Augustus rocked up,
followed by Tiberius.
He retired here... Did he?
..and started a lot of pyjama parties. Like Hef.
It was known for its debauchery, wasn't it?
It was known for its debauchery.
Not something I approve of.
The debauch.
No. I concede that you wouldn't really like that scene.
I'm not saying I would.
Well, super injunctions don't apply out here, Jack.
Like the tourists we are, we conclude our Capri schlep
with a meander through Capri Town.
That car is too thin.
Gawping at fussily arranged window displays of
super-inflated knick-knackery.
Very preppy jackets. Yeah.
Before heading to the vendor of traditional Italian quenchers.
What do you call them here?
Granita di limone. Granita, of course. Sorry, yeah.
It's just fresh lemon, 2% of sugar and a little bit of water.
Very big lemons.
These lemons come from our gardens.
Do you want a pack of Crik Crok?
Yes, I would like some. Can we get two Crik Croks?
Quite wealthy, Capri, compared to Naples.
It's incredibly beautiful. Yes.
But, their boutiques and stuff, it's like a...
Very fancy. Yeah, it's like a really smart shopping mall that has
somehow escaped and started its own island.
Swarming with people who don't live here.
I think about two million a year come... It's only five miles across.
They've all come today as well.
They're all here.
All come to look in the window of Prada.
After our fill of Capri sun,
we return to Naples in search of souvenirs.
We decide that the most reflective image of our stay is the Nativity,
so we head to the Via San Gregorio Armeno,
where the crib scene is strong.
Since the 17th century,
year-round, you can get Nativity scenes.
They make them themselves? They make them, they paint them.
I was reading a guide, it said don't be surprised if you walk into
the back of the shop and find the shopkeeper bent over a figurine.
Don't be surprised. Don't judge him.
Very awkward moment for me.
This is exactly how it would have been in Bethlehem.
With all of these people. This is a modernisation of it.
Your crib can now incorporate all these modern people.
Amy Winehouse.
Prince Harry - it's a bit of an embarrassing one.
Right.
Well.
Bongiorno. Bongiorno.
You're doing the...?
Yes.
Who is it?
Er, quo...qui esta?
HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
OK.
Entranced by the artistry, we move to the next logical step...
Acquisition.
How much is this one?
How much?
3,000 euro.
3,000 euros.
We may be looking at a smaller one.
This is all I have. I have 100 euros.
We're looking more over here. The smaller ones, I think.
Donkey. How much is this?
20. 20 euros.
20? You could afford five donkeys.
How much for these two depressed bunnies?
40 euro. 40 each?
So, for my 100, I can get this.
OK. Thank you very much.
I feel, in a way, this is more compensation for your time...
Thank you!
..than anything else.
He's been very patient with you.
He's been very patient.
Oh, look at that. And a bow. Thank you very much. Bye-bye.
See you soon. Ciao!
I think you did quite well there. Thank you.
I was expecting you to haggle. No.
With check-in looming,
we cop cakes and coffee before heading seawards for a debrief.
This last chomp rounds out a spend of ?536 each.
So, what do you make of Naples?
Well, I like that it's not really touristy.
The nice thing about going to somewhere like Naples, no-one says,
"Oh, you should have come here ten years ago before it all changed."
I think if you want a really authentic experience,
I think this is the place for that.
In a trip of highlights,
which has been your favourite?
Probably the Vespa tour.
I felt free.
Well, you're an expert rider, I have to say that. Well, thank you.
Did you feel safe?
In many ways, I felt more alive than I've ever felt.
Gosh. Well, that is a nice compliment.
What about you, Richard? To use a horrible expression,
what's your takeaway?
Well, I think this moment, assessing all the other moments...
Yes. Looking back.
..and ranking them.
And also, this. The lottery.
Ah, the lottery. Of course!
That was tremendous, and let's see... I've got the ticket.
Do you want to see?
Do we have a 17?
Er, no.
A 72?
No. A 36?
No. A 42?
Oh, wait a minute,
42, you say? Yeah.
No. 59?
No. OK.
That's it. We probably haven't won.
Well, thanks for coming.
No, thank you for inviting me.
I'd like to make this an annual trip.
Yes, er, and, you know,
I think you should invite someone different each time, though.
OK, that's not...what I was...
OK. Hmm.
I'm going to have my cake.
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