1
00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:05,840
The mini-break is nothing less than
complete submission to

2
00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:07,360
ungovernable chaos.

3
00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:08,680
For once you leave the house,

4
00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:10,680
how the flip can a cat be
expected to find food,

5
00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:12,200
shelter and adequate entertainment?

6
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:13,920
In short , once you leave the
borders.

7
00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:16,360
How the heck can you locate
the Guccis?

8
00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:18,400
But do not unsheathe your secret
fury

9
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:20,560
for I,
the barely human Richard Ayoade,

10
00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:22,880
am here to make your short-haul
holiday game

11
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,760
the stuff of dreams that could one
day become anecdotes!

12
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:28,160
I, while saddled with some of the
available people

13
00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:30,080
in the world of entertainment,

14
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:31,760
am going to savagely barrel you

15
00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:35,240
through the colossally clustered
mini-break.

16
00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:39,240
This is travel without mercy.

17
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:43,480
Tonight, 48 hours in the city that
affixed a "Pest" to its "Buda".

18
00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:48,640
3.7 mill cats congregate in the
Hungarian capital each year

19
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:52,480
to take its waters and bask
in bohemian beauty.

20
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:54,320
SHE SNEEZES

21
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:56,520
Joining me to shoulder the burden
is writer, comedian

22
00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:57,800
and actor Aisling Bea.

23
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:58,960
Barmy army.

24
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:02,760
Together, we will take
a train staffed by youths.

25
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,000
They grow up so fast, Richard.

26
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,240
..behave like ruddy students,

27
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,160
and brook aural assault.

28
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:12,400
Where the heck are these
meaty pancakes?

29
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:14,680
We're here! But should we have come?

30
00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:16,440
Checkmate.

31
00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:20,440
I'm not focusing, yeah?
I'm presenting.

32
00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:25,120
In a manner that's very much
off screen,

33
00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:28,840
we traverse the 906 miles twixt
Britain and Hungary

34
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,720
before thudding down in its
principal vill.

35
00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:34,600
Part of the Austro-Hungarian
Empire for 50 years,

36
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,560
it withstood 40 years of communism

37
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:40,360
before the final indignity of our
two-day occupation.

38
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,400
So, Richard, why Budapest?

39
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:46,400
A full answer awaits
outside of this frame.

40
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:54,120
Budapest was so named
on 17th November 1873,

41
00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:57,080
when the three settlements of
Pest, Buda and Obuda

42
00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:59,520
were united into a megacity.

43
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,320
Let's weaponise the stat cannon.

44
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:03,720
Hungary is home
to 1,500 thermal springs,

45
00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,320
450 public baths,

46
00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,680
eight indigenous grape varieties and
six different types of paprika.

47
00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,960
It's the birthplace of the Biro
and the Rubik's Cube,

48
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,640
as well as being the very place in
which vitamin C was discovered,

49
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:17,640
which makes it something of
a personal pilgrimage.

50
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:21,000
The cash-strapped mini-breaker

51
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,160
can broker 48 hours of Buda biz

52
00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:25,520
for just over 61,000 HUF,

53
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:29,520
aka 180 GBP.

54
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,320
To give us the illusion of
authenticity,

55
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,200
I've checked us into a hostel.

56
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:37,080
I've been assured it's
probably safe.

57
00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:40,960
Look. In you go. What sort of
weekend break have you led me into?

58
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,200
You're more than welcome.
Thank you.

59
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,160
Richard, my bag's so heavy.

60
00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:48,680
The Lavender Circus offers
alarmingly low-priced accommodation.

61
00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:50,040
Oh, God!

62
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:53,240
The four flights of stairs allows us
time to ponder the extremely

63
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:56,360
unlikely possibility that there's
a catch.

64
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:57,920
Oh, look!

65
00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:00,240
This looks kind of quirky.

66
00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:01,520
Thank you.

67
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:05,520
There's a traditional bottle of...
Bleach. ..bleach there.

68
00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:09,840
That's important.
You'll need that.

69
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,000
En-suite sleeping quarters
are available

70
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:15,880
pre-etched from bespoke scribblings
from its proprietor.

71
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:19,880
OK. This is a tough night-time wee.

72
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,840
Oh, wow!

73
00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:27,840
This doesn't look budget at all.

74
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:32,040
This is too low.

75
00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:36,560
My room's lovely, actually.
What's yours like?

76
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,280
It is highly dangerous.
It wouldn't pass UK building regs.

77
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,720
It's like the set of
Roman Polanski's The Tenant,

78
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,400
and that's a reference no-one's
going to get.

79
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,960
But before we can cop the
city's culture,

80
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,920
we must first master Hungarian,

81
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:52,920
one of the hardest languages for
native English speakers to learn.

82
00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:55,720
Waiting, as if by appointment,

83
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:59,080
is our poker-faced Fungarian
tour guide Miklos.

84
00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:01,120
Aisling. Miklos.

85
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:02,920
Richard. Rich-ard!

86
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,760
I've been saying it wrong
my whole life? No,

87
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:09,160
but the Hungarian way is that.
OK. Yes.

88
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:12,560
The stress is always on the first
syllable. On the first.

89
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:13,800
So you would go,

90
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,560
SUPER-califragilistic
expialidocious!

91
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,080
Exactly. OK.

92
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:21,000
'With an hour to conquer its
ten dialects,

93
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,760
'18 noun cases
and 14 vowel sounds...'

94
00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:27,160
Oh-oh. We're like the Teletubbies.

95
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:30,400
Ee-ee. You could probably lose
that vowel, I'd say.

96
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:33,640
'Miklos starts to get our
linguistic shiz tight.'

97
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,960
TRANSLATION:

98
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:38,920
HE REPEATS THE PHRASE HALTINGLY

99
00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:40,560
All the best.

100
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:41,840
Never mind, Rich-ard. OK.

101
00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:45,840
Finally, when you drink,
you want to say cheers...

102
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:48,920
RICHARD REPEATS THE PHRASE

103
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:51,280
That's how everything sounds after
you start drinking.

104
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:54,280
How do I say thank you?
Koszonom. Koszonom.

105
00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:56,200
I'm never going to forget that.

106
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:58,480
Now we've achieved near fluency,

107
00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:01,200
we start lining our eyeballs
with landmarks.

108
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,040
Miklos insists that we document
these momentous moments

109
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:06,000
by attaching a smartphone to a stick

110
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:09,880
and turning the lens on our very
selves in a selfie tour.

111
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:13,320
So now we are approaching the
parliament. Mm-hm.

112
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:17,320
You might ask why such a small
country has such a huge parliament.

113
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,200
Corruption.

114
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:20,360
No! Oh.

115
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:22,720
Because it was built in 1896,

116
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:26,600
when Hungary was three times as
big as it is now.

117
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:30,160
Part of the
Austro-Hungarian Empire.

118
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:32,600
So if you'd like to take a selfie...

119
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,200
It just feels like an
Ozzy Osbourne album cover.

120
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,560
You should look happier.

121
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:38,920
I am looking happy.

122
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:42,320
That's Richard, like, at Christmas.

123
00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,880
'And what could almost pass
for a montage,

124
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,680
'we clicked through the Museum
of Ethnography...'

125
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,040
OK, ready?

126
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:52,240
'..celebrated socialist poet
Attila Jozsef,

127
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,200
'and leading homicide
detective Columbo,

128
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:58,120
'rev'd here because of Peter Falk's
Hungarian ancestry,

129
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:02,120
'and shared surname with
the 19th-century politician.'

130
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,400
You come this side. There we go.

131
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,000
Looking straight up...

132
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,040
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

133
00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:11,800
Wow. That's a great selfie.

134
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,200
Get the bridge in?

135
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,840
Within two hours,
we've almost wiped the city dry

136
00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:19,800
with out infernal wand...

137
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,680
..leaving one last site to scope,

138
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,840
the Hadik Memorial.

139
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:27,360
A popular spot for students.
Before their exams,

140
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,680
they come here and they touch
a sensitive part of the horse

141
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:33,400
and they think it will bring luck.

142
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,360
If you look up

143
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,800
and you see the shiniest part,

144
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:41,280
you will see what...
Because people have been rubbing it.

145
00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:43,680
Give me a leg-up, Richard.

146
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:45,120
Oh, great!

147
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:46,480
You made it.

148
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:50,480
The last Hungarian word we are
going to learn is "tok".

149
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:52,960
"Tok"? What's "tok"?
That sounds cute.

150
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,040
Since it belongs to the horse,

151
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,680
and horse is "lo"... Lo. Lo.

152
00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:58,920
The lo tok...

153
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,640
Away, now,
that's "horse balls", is it?

154
00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:03,920
You said that.
I don't use such words.

155
00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:07,040
Take the selfie stick.
There we go. OK.

156
00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:08,680
Get the lo toks in.

157
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:10,880
Please, let's not cheat on this.

158
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:13,160
There's a lot of horse to get
in here. OK.

159
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:16,480
I think my head's in the way of
the undercarriage.

160
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,000
Thank you very much.

161
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,760
It was great fun.

162
00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:22,440
Mikloz, as they say in Budapest...

163
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:26,440
SHE ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK HUNGARIAN

164
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,720
Understandably famished,
fatigued and frightened,

165
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,200
our vowels ached for the
appeasement of lunch,

166
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:36,200
located a 20-min taxi trundle
towards Buda's oldest part.

167
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:39,120
Well, look at this.

168
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,680
This looks ruddy rustic.

169
00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:44,680
Kehli Vendeglo have been ladling out
authentic Hungarian fare to

170
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:49,000
locals and Caucasian film
actors since 1899.

171
00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:53,440
This is a roll call.
Roger Moore looks exhausted.

172
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,560
But why Charles Bronson on a horse?

173
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,160
Who's Charles Bronson?

174
00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:58,520
Deathwish, please.

175
00:07:58,520 --> 00:07:59,960
Man's films. High School Musical?

176
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,120
About men.

177
00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:02,720
Killing other men.

178
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,240
Oh, classic men!

179
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:06,120
HE SPEAKS HUNGARIAN

180
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:07,640
Si. Um...

181
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,800
SHE STUTTERS

182
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,040
You can do it. Push through.

183
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:16,040
SHE SPEAKS HUNGARIAN HALTINGLY

184
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,480
HE REPLIES IN HUNGARIAN

185
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,240
Oh. Koszonom.

186
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:24,080
Yes, Kszonom. Yes.

187
00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:26,800
With the accent on substantial,

188
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:29,840
we perused the paprika'd provisions.

189
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,400
I would recommend the
fisherman's soup...

190
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:35,880
I could eat that, because I'm
famously a pescatarian, Richard.

191
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,720
Is there any dead animal that you'd
like to eat here, Richard?

192
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:41,400
Yes, please.
Don't let me put you off.

193
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,760
Yes. I think I'll just have some...

194
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:47,120
I'm just going to have some
meaty pancakes.

195
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,840
SHE SNIGGERS

196
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:50,320
What's in them?

197
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:54,320
Could be anything at this
stage of the day.

198
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,240
Can you...

199
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,960
THEY PLAY A TRADITIONAL TUNE

200
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,320
Wow.

201
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,080
This is good.

202
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:03,120
Ohh!

203
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:04,520
Hey, guys!

204
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:08,520
The guy with the bass has got
a harder job, though.

205
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,360
This is good.

206
00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:12,840
All these faces.

207
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:15,880
It is a montage sequence in
a Sherlock Holmes...

208
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,840
Puts you into a bit of a frenzy,
like I want to eat like...

209
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:20,480
Yeah.

210
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:24,480
TEMPO INCREASES

211
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,400
What are you meant to do?

212
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,680
Are we meant to continue as
if we're talking?

213
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:34,120
Or are we just meant to listen?
Oh, yeah, which is respectful?

214
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,960
OK. Uh...

215
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,440
That was great. Whoo!

216
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:40,440
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.

217
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,640
Koszonom...

218
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:45,520
Koszonom. You're welcome. Very good.

219
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:47,160
Koszonom.

220
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:51,160
Where the heck are these
meaty pancakes?

221
00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:53,880
To tide us over,

222
00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:56,480
we spoon through Hungary's
national dish,

223
00:09:56,480 --> 00:10:00,480
goulash and fish soup.

224
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,080
Oh, yeah, it's nice. It's good.

225
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:06,240
Then we thunder on with marrowbone
in gingham napkins,

226
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:07,680
cabbage noodles,

227
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:10,000
bread mounted with garlic,

228
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:13,160
and, at long last,
my meaty pancakes.

229
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:14,280
Hmm.

230
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,960
Well?

231
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,760
I can see why they don't
specify the meat.

232
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:22,560
A funny dish, where they cover it
in a bucket of sauce

233
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:25,600
and you're like,
"Something's amiss here." Yeah.

234
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,560
It's like when you go into
someone's house

235
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:31,160
and there's a smell of bleach,
you're like, "Who was killed here?"

236
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,120
You've just described my house.

237
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:34,680
OK, here we go.

238
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:38,680
OK. BOTH: One, two, three...

239
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,960
Thank you very much.
He had it anyway.

240
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,880
In his hands. Thank you very much.

241
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:46,520
I'm actually just now not feeling
like much of a feminist.

242
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:50,520
Could you get this? It's fine.
Although that is steep(!)

243
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,640
Fuller than is wise,

244
00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:00,640
we waddle on in search of
steep gradients.

245
00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:06,520
Established 1870.

246
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,720
1.5 metres a second. Pff!

247
00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:11,440
I love it when you drop
a fact on me, Richard.

248
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:15,440
I have absolutely filled the fat
bucket to overflow.

249
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,280
I'm drinking every little bit of
dribble that comes out.

250
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:21,640
Please. Don't drink direct from
the fat bucket.

251
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:25,640
SHE LAUGHS

252
00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:29,880
180 steps later,

253
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,720
we've arrived in the
Buda Castle district,

254
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:35,600
a World Heritage Site riddled with
historic squares,

255
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,720
palaces and vantage points.

256
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,960
Aisling, if you had to make
a sweeping generalisation

257
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:44,240
about this city based on the view,
what would it be?

258
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:47,120
They're hiding something.

259
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:48,920
Wow.

260
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:52,920
That is like a Jeremy Kyle
assessment.

261
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,800
As evening cloaks our
crumbling flesh,

262
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:03,240
we see what goes down in
Pest post-pm.

263
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,360
Since the magical noughties,

264
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:07,960
ruin pubs started to
self-perpetuate in the

265
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:11,080
long-abandoned buildings of the
Jewish Quarter.

266
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:14,160
We've descended on the original,
Szimpla Kert.

267
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:15,680
Hello. Hello.

268
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:19,680
THEY SPEAK HUNGARIAN

269
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:23,600
Two? It's brutal when they answer
in English.

270
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,400
Unicum, the local libation,

271
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,680
is made from over 40 herbs
and spices,

272
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:31,680
originally brewed as an indigestion
tonic for Emperor Joseph II in 1790

273
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:36,280
by his physician Dr Zwack.
It, for some reason, still exists.

274
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,000
We'll be back for more in a bit.

275
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:43,000
We're absolute legends.
We're going to...

276
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,520
INDISTINCT

277
00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,360
Everyone's having a laugh.

278
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:51,360
I do not like going out.

279
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,240
This is terrific.

280
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,240
These are very unfortunately
named shots,

281
00:12:56,240 --> 00:13:00,200
Unicum, which I would have thought
could have done with a rebranding.

282
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:01,880
It is a shame.

283
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:05,880
You ready? Sip in...
One, two, three.

284
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:13,560
Jesus, Mary and Joseph and all of
his carpenter friends!

285
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:14,840
Come on.

286
00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:17,080
As well as its smooth aftertaste,

287
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,240
Unicum also contains the dormant
spirit of Danny Dyer.

288
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,320
IMITATING DANNY: "Danny won!
Danny won!

289
00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:23,800
"Lads, lads, lads.

290
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,080
"Barmy army."

291
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:27,520
Knock it down.
No, I'm not knocking it down.

292
00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,320
What am I, on your hen do? Yeah!

293
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:31,520
It's the nearest I'll get to
a hen do any time soon.

294
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,320
Come on. Please. There's still hope.
There's not much. Please...

295
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,160
That is not a drink for fun.

296
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:38,400
I've done all I need to do here.

297
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,400
If you leave me here with one shot
glass and one empty,

298
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:45,400
it'll look from afar like
an Adele video.

299
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:47,120
You've just sold me.

300
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:50,760
But before the strings swell and we
fade to black and white,

301
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:53,720
the day calls it a night.

302
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,880
In the park that may well
be called two,

303
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:58,120
at least three things will happen.

304
00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:00,160
This thing... # Do-do-do-do-do! #

305
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:01,840
This thing...

306
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:03,280
And this thing.

307
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:09,000
I feel my suffering
has only just begun.

308
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:17,040
In the previous half of our now
iconic barrel through Budapest,

309
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,200
we mastered its tongue...

310
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,920
HE SPEAKS HUNGARIAN HALTINGLY

311
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:22,160
All the best.

312
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,160
..captured our own image...

313
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,640
It just feels like
an Ozzy Osbourne album cover.

314
00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:28,080
..and necked this nip.

315
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,880
SHE COUGHS

316
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:33,040
Day two
starts with my customary quest

317
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:37,040
for healing waters and board games.

318
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:41,440
One mil per annum schlep
to the Szechenyi baths.

319
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:45,240
Its high mineral content supposedly
aids degenerative joint illnesses,

320
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,320
so I suggest
we make a pre-emptive strike.

321
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:51,320
LAUGHTER

322
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:55,040
Ignoring the crowd's crass calls
for me to unstrap my bangers,

323
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,600
we plunge in.

324
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:59,960
This is the most visited attraction
in Budapest.

325
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:03,320
You can tell that because of
all the people. I don't like this.

326
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,040
There's a lot of flesh on display.

327
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,400
You've managed
to keep a bit of dignity there.

328
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:10,320
I've given people so much, why
should I give them my naked body?

329
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,920
Don't give them any more.

330
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:14,400
Since the Romans,

331
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,800
bathing in hot springs
has become unquestioned,

332
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,240
and in order to make the practice
even more baffling,

333
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:23,240
locals have started to combine it
with chess.

334
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:26,960
You're white,
so you've got the advantage.

335
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:30,040
I don't want this to be....

336
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:31,840
Oh! Sorry.

337
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,280
Don't go there.

338
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:36,880
This is the queen, the most powerful
piece on the board.

339
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:40,040
It can move this way, that way...
OK. ..that way.

340
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,160
So, this is Beyonce. Sure.

341
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,960
This is Jay Z. This is Jay Z.

342
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,640
Jay Z can only move one at a time.
Less powerful. Yeah. OK.

343
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:50,080
OK, I'll go one... OK.
Now your move.

344
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,080
By the way, do you feel any better?

345
00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:56,080
I don't really, despite the high
incidence of magnesium in the water.

346
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:59,120
Do you feel like
you're suffering less? No.

347
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:03,120
I feel my suffering
has only just begun.

348
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:06,880
Before my Breton top
shrinks ever tighter round my bosom,

349
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:10,880
we split this zone to cop some
chimney cake, a local speciality.

350
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,400
Hello. Hello.

351
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:17,000
My young colleague
knows how to order.

352
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:21,000
SHE SPEAKS HUNGARIAN HALTINGLY

353
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:26,560
You don't have to sound old.

354
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:30,560
Cone-shaped dough is basted
in butter and roasted on a spit.

355
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:32,720
Traditionally served sweet,

356
00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,960
there's a controversial
new savoury slant

357
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,280
to the chimney cake scene.

358
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:40,280
We decide to order
a brace of options.

359
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:43,360
Aisling, I'm bang out of huf.
Got any?

360
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,480
Have I got huf? Yes, I do.

361
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:47,560
Lay some huf down.
I've got some huf.

362
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,080
Don't flash your huf in my face.
2,770.

363
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,080
Whoa, that's a lot of huf.
That's a lot of huf.

364
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,200
Koszonom. Koszonom. Koszonom.

365
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:55,760
Koszonom. Thank you.

366
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,480
Ohh!

367
00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,960
Mm-mm-mmm!

368
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,520
We're lucky to have got this spot.

369
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,120
I do feel like a bit of a chump
without the ice cream bit.

370
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:06,880
I'm going to start with ham,
and I'll feed back.

371
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:09,560
If you did it the other way round,
I'd think you were a psychopath.

372
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:13,560
That's a bit like a Subway.
Mm-hm. This...

373
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:19,000
..like a standard 99. Could I...?
Yeah, of course. Could I?

374
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,200
My funnel's good,
but I do get worried I might...

375
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,840
It's also known as a funnel cake.
..go into it and get a bit...

376
00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:27,440
That's the only trouble
with getting in.

377
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:30,640
It's hard to eat.
You're making elegant work of it.

378
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:34,640
I think sometimes you either
have class or you don't. You know?

379
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,120
Before our digestive tracts
take us to task,

380
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,600
we head for the frankly ethereal
Children's Railway,

381
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,720
where all jobs
apart from the driver -

382
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:47,080
because what child
wants to be an engine driver? -

383
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:48,800
are discharged by kids.

384
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:50,200
Here we go.

385
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,000
Look at this stone-faced killer.
Order.

386
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,840
Hello, young man.

387
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:57,040
SHE SPEAKS HUNGARIAN

388
00:17:57,040 --> 00:18:01,040
I have no doubt in my mind that
all of these children are ghosts.

389
00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:05,640
Oh!

390
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:07,640
Oh! Oh, hello. Hello.

391
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,440
I'm going to try
not to be patronising. OK.

392
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:13,440
You work on the train? Very good!

393
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:19,000
Originally set up for the youth wing
of the Communist Party

394
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:20,480
to promote teamwork,

395
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:24,480
this piece of juve-nalia has been
chuffing through Buda since 1948.

396
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:27,480
Oooh!

397
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:31,480
Ehh-ehh!

398
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:37,080
The ticket? Oh, yes. Thank you.

399
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:39,920
I don't know if I agree
with child labour. Thank you.

400
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,200
No, I don't think they're paid,
so is it labour?

401
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:45,080
Do you get money to work here?

402
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:47,480
Er, no. What have women fought for,

403
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:51,200
only to have our daughters
working on trains for free?

404
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,040
This is your daughter? Yeah.

405
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:57,040
Well, this is an embarrassing way
to meet up again. Mm.

406
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:01,800
HE SPEAKS HUNGARIAN

407
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,400
I think he might be talking to us.

408
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,120
Yes, I think that means
the buffet car is closed.

409
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:10,120
So we should leave.

410
00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:15,840
Bye. Bye.
Thank you, children friends.

411
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,680
Let's just step across these tracks.

412
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:21,680
Yeah, that's normally worked out
well for people, hasn't it(?)

413
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:29,920
They grow up so fast, Richard.

414
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,040
To fully leverage our position

415
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,080
at the drizzle-doused apex
of Janos Hill,

416
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:36,560
the highest peak in Budapest,

417
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:40,560
we head for the adult-operated
Zugliget chairlift.

418
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:45,760
OK, straight in. Down.
OK, down. Sit.

419
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,560
Oh, God!

420
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:51,560
Ow! Ow! That's my shin.

421
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:54,880
Ohh!

422
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:58,880
Look at that view.

423
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,480
There's some great
gobbing opportunities from up here,

424
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:03,240
if we were punks. Yeah.

425
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,800
Were you ever one of those kids,
one of those teenagers,

426
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,120
who used to spit?

427
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:10,400
Well, I did come from Ipswich,
but no.

428
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:13,240
You do not want to have an argument
at the top of this. No.

429
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:16,640
Because it's 1km. 15 mins.

430
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,880
That's a long sulk. I've done it.

431
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,800
You've sat in a sulk for that long?
I've gone days.

432
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:25,800
"No, no, it's fine. Fine, I'm fine."
Is something wrong?

433
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,760
Seems like
you're putting that on me.

434
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,120
Do you...? Sorry, I was just
trying to read. It's just...

435
00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:32,680
Do you want to talk about something?

436
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:35,080
It just feels like your silence
is very loud.

437
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:37,120
Ohh! Why don't you just say
what's on your mind,

438
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:38,560
rather than telling me how I feel?

439
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:41,880
Oh, you're good at it!
You're so clever at that. Thank you.

440
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:45,880
Ohh! You must be a nightmare
to be married to. Oh, it's tough.

441
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:51,240
After a further 15 minutes
of unmotivated personal attacks,

442
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:54,480
I feel the reassuring sensation
of foliage underfoot.

443
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:57,040
SHE HUMS

444
00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:00,440
Are we about to sweep
into someone's garden?

445
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:03,680
1970 was a bad year
for whoever bought this property.

446
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,000
They must have gone, "Oh, come on!"

447
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:09,200
I've actually really enjoyed
this little trip. I loved it.

448
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:12,720
The only thing that could have made
this more connective

449
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:15,840
to inner peace would be if
we were colouring in a little book,

450
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,840
maybe an ironic picture book
of Tom Hiddleston.

451
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:22,080
Land looms below,

452
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:25,840
and our protracted dangle
comes to a merciful end.

453
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,160
Off we get.

454
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:29,760
Thank you.

455
00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:31,520
Hey, high-five.

456
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:34,400
Nailed it.

457
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:38,160
With our remaining time in Budapest
slipping through our clammy mitts,

458
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,880
we decide to swivel the lens
on our sorry selves

459
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,400
for a final soul-sapping snap.

460
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,520
Richard, where the hell are we?
St Stephen's Basilica.

461
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:49,680
Finished in 1905. Took 50 years cos
the central dome kept collapsing.

462
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:53,680
It's also got a 9.5-tonne bell.
Document it.

463
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:57,920
Move on. We're out of here.

464
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:03,400
After a trim trawl
to the tune of ?4.70,

465
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:04,720
we have little left to do

466
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:08,720
but recount our vast accomplishments
in this most Buda of pests.

467
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:11,520
Koszonom, Richard.

468
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:12,720
Well...

469
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:16,720
let's see if Hungarian champagne
is as good as everyone says. Mm!

470
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:20,320
Cos the word on the street
is that it's average.

471
00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:22,240
I'm sure it's good.
I can't drink champagne.

472
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,480
It's too associated
with fun and revelry.

473
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:28,440
Let us commence our assessment.

474
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:29,520
First of all,

475
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:32,920
I feel like Budapest brought
its 'A' game architecturally.

476
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:35,360
I've enjoyed
the diffidence of the people.

477
00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:37,920
If I knew what "diffidence" was,
I'd absolutely high-five you.

478
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,920
Thank you.
The Children's Railway. Yes.

479
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:43,800
Why are they not at school?
Why are they not getting paid?

480
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:45,120
Why are they all ghosts?

481
00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:46,880
Why did they turn
their heads round 360?

482
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,160
Why did they open their mouths
and they had black tongues?

483
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,960
Why were their backs all stitched?

484
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:54,200
I got a chill just there, Richard,
even thinking about those children.

485
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:57,000
No, they were good lads.
Would you like to "cheers"?

486
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,560
This is my one Hungarian phrase
I remembered.

487
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:03,560
Egeszsegere.
To better times. To better times.

488
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:08,040
Next time, a Canarian caper
round Tenerife with Lena Dunham.

489
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:13,000
There! Yes! Yes. Yes.

490
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:32,000
Subtitles by Ericsson

491
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:33,000
</P></Sync> </Body>