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00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:06,840
The mini break is a colossal
cauldron of crazy,

2
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,440
within which walls a bewildering
broth of baffle.

3
00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:12,320
How the cuss can you be certain your
condensed campaign of consumption

4
00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:14,440
is perceiving correctly?

5
00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:15,720
But fear not, for I,

6
00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:18,400
the localised drizzle
that is Richard Ayoade, am here

7
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:21,400
to get your short-hols game tight.

8
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:24,320
Each week, I will co-opt the most
pliable person available at time of

9
00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:28,320
recording and brutally barrel you
through an over-packed mini break.

10
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:32,400
This is travel without mercy.

11
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,880
Tonight, a 48 hour vroom
round Valencia,

12
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AKA, the city of 100 bell towers.

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Here's a sample sprinkling.

14
00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:41,480
BELL RINGS

15
00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:44,960
Joining me on this Spanish swoop,
is comedian, Sara Pascoe.

16
00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:47,440
I'm absolutely hammered. I can tell.

17
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:50,320
Together we will...kick off in
the kitchen...

18
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,080
Hey! I'm just learning, OK?

19
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:54,520
Hey, put down the spoon.

20
00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:56,440
..encase ourselves in plastic...

21
00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:58,600
It's the enthusiasm I can't stand.

22
00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:01,000
..and meander through ten miles
of meat.

23
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,800
This is a vegan's dream.

24
00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,240
Yeah, it's like being in a house
of horrors.

25
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We're here, but should we have come?

26
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,560
I think is the best idea you've
ever had.

27
00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,440
I wouldn't dignify it with the
word idea.

28
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:15,440
I just have to fill the time.

29
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:23,440
After a journey so dull,
it digitally erased itself.

30
00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:27,440
We arrive in Spain's third-largest
city.

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Here we are foregrounded by the
Torres de Serranos.

32
00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:33,600
Prime example of Valencian gothic,
built in 1398.

33
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:35,760
I think it's now a KFC or a
Chicken Cottage.

34
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,000
I don't know, a chicken outlet.
It's very interesting.

35
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,040
But why have you brought me here
to Valencia?

36
00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:44,040
I'm literally on the way to
telling you.

37
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:48,800
Valencia was founded by mini-break
pioneers the Romans, under the name

38
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Valencia Edetanorum, in 138 BC,

39
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,360
making it one of the oldest cities
in Spain.

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The principal conurbation on
the Costa del Azahar,

41
00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:56,840
or Orange Blossom Coast,

42
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Valencia is the citrus capital
of Europe - producing

43
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:02,400
1.37 mil tonnes of oranges
every annum.

44
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And if that stat doesn't make you
sit up and be counted,

45
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it is the birthplace of paella.

46
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That's right, someone gave birth
to paella right here.

47
00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,840
Valencianos celebrate Paella Day
in March.

48
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,960
And perhaps even more importantly
than that...

49
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:17,160
..won a brutally competitive
campaign to get a paella emoji,

50
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:21,160
which was finally introduced in 2016
along with, as we all now know,

51
00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:25,160
ones for bacon, avocado, and my
continuing adversary, the croissant.

52
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:31,400
A cat can command a 48-hour vidi
of Valencia for £225.60 per purse.

53
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:36,520
But we've already spaffed that by
staying at this joint.

54
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,920
We're at the Caro Hotel.

55
00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:43,640
Bono's been here. Everyone gets
a free album.

56
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:46,040
And you can't give it back.
He slips it under your door.

57
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:48,800
You can't give it back. Why would
you want to, though? Well...

58
00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:51,880
Restoration of this former
19th-century palace unearthed a

59
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whole load of massively old shiz,
including Moorish lanterns,

60
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and a 12th century Arabic wall.

61
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,880
Sara's 60 open-plan
square metres...

62
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:07,800
This is absolutely splendid and a
million times nicer than my house.

63
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:11,160
..are integrated into a 12th century
watchtower to form the oldest room

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in the hotel.

65
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,760
SHE EXHALES

66
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My quarters are comprised of the
former grand ballroom,

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library, and tea room.

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00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:29,520
HE SNIFFS
Bono.

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00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,600
With Bono's private scent still
in my nostrils,

70
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,880
we joined some of the seven mil
dudes who per year descend on the

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00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:38,480
Turia Gardens, the hub of the city.

72
00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:41,320
And to ensure we spread ourselves a
thin as poss,

73
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:42,800
I've booked this crate.

74
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:46,800
Look at this bike. It's just so
conveniently arranged.

75
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:52,760
Have you told them we're going to
take it? No, just pedal.

76
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:57,000
Nine KMs of urban park, run along
the course of the old Turia River.

77
00:03:57,640 --> 00:03:59,440
Oh, now I get it. This is the river.

78
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,560
We're underneath the bridges.
We're in the river.

79
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,360
It's a long river path. Exactly.

80
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:05,880
Which was diverted south of
the city, after a

81
00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:09,440
catastrophic flood in 1957.

82
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:12,480
It's beautiful!

83
00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:15,760
There's quite a few people cycling
towards us with a look

84
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,640
that suggests we're in the
wrong lane. Oh.

85
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,120
Or maybe we are meant to be
in the centre.

86
00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:23,320
OK, this runner's going to
have to move.

87
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:27,320
Oh, no! He's going to have to move.
You're crazy!

88
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,120
WHEELS SQUEAK

89
00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:34,840
I need to get some oil on these
wheels.

90
00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:38,840
Is that your knees? How dare you?
I'm sorry. I'm not yet 40. I know.

91
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,440
What would you say if I said we're
about to cycle under the

92
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,040
third oldest bridge in Valencia?

93
00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:46,440
You better be telling the truth.
Don't let me down.

94
00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:49,120
Well, we're about to. 1591.
Puente del Mar.

95
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:52,360
1591? That's right.
It's so old looking!

96
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,560
It's so old.
Ask me how long this bridge is.

97
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,400
You don't know how long it is.
How long is it? 160 metres. Whoa!

98
00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:00,760
That's right. You have no way
of verifying that.

99
00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:02,760
This is what we should be in.

100
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,960
This is what we should be in.
We'd be having a great time there.

101
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:09,960
Did we not have the money? No.

102
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:11,840
OK, we're stopping. Yeah?

103
00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:14,120
You want to know why? Good.
My legs are tired. Yeah?

104
00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:16,160
Yeah. That's one of the reasons.

105
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:19,760
The other reason lies down
this path. Oh! What's happening?

106
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:23,760
It's just arbitrary transition,
deal with it.

107
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:27,400
Halfway along the riverbed,
is Park Gulliver,

108
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:31,400
where landlubbers like us can
live it up like a Lilliputian.

109
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:34,640
You've not got... I've got terribly
impractical shoes on.

110
00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:37,000
You've not got the best footwear.
If you need assist...

111
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:39,440
Luckily, I've got the balance of a
mountain goat.

112
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:42,240
It was inaugurated in 1990...
Hey, guys.

113
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,960
..and has no comprehensible
connection to Valencia.

114
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,720
So, I completely forgot to tell you
that this is 70 metres long,

115
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:51,320
and at its highest point,
nine metres.

116
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,200
This is highly appropriate for

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00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:57,200
two people with a combined age
of over 70.

118
00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,920
Yeah? Yeah.

119
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,920
If it weren't for these pesky kids,
I could really enjoy myself.

120
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,240
See you later, everyone! OK.

121
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:09,240
Oh! Whoa! That was ungoverned.

122
00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:12,720
Oh, that's how you do it.

123
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:16,240
It doesn't look as much fun
when you do it. It's more fun. OK.

124
00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:19,280
That's the face of someone
having fun.

125
00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:23,080
But before we blow our personal
perspective forever, we chit.

126
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:26,680
Sorry about this. I'm like locked
in a pay dispute with Uber, so...

127
00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:30,160
I'm sorry. I booked paella school
for us. Have you? Yes.

128
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,840
Or pa-eya. Oh. Is that what you
learn at paella school?

129
00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:35,120
Yeah, you learn how to say it...
How to pronounce it.

130
00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:37,760
..in a more pompous way. Yeah. OK.
You're all right with that?

131
00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:40,280
I'm vegan, so is this going to be
a problem? That's a shame.

132
00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:44,280
I think they do have vegetables
there. Ah.

133
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:47,760
Hello! Hello.

134
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:51,440
Chef Benny has presided over
5,000 paella pupils,

135
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:55,440
while consistently looking like
John Cale.

136
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:58,720
I know it's not going well.
I can tell. No, don't worry.

137
00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:00,960
I can tell by the looks.

138
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:04,960
With paella, aficionado Maria
judging us with each fiery glance,

139
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:08,200
we set to work on one traditional
and one flesh-free version of

140
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,360
Valencia's famous rice-based dish.

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00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:15,360
TRANSLATION:

142
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:20,640
And in your father-in-law's house.
OK. Here we go.

143
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:25,200
It may shake you to your core to
learn that traditional Valencian

144
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,600
paella does not contain seafood.

145
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:30,200
It contains flippin' chicken
and rabbit.

146
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,600
This gives it a feeling of jeopardy.

147
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:35,200
If you, if we blow this, that's
going to burn,

148
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:39,080
so we've got to hurry up.
Don't worry.

149
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,360
Do you cook a lot at your
father-in-law's house?

150
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,720
Oh, my father-in-law can't get me
off his barbecue.

151
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,200
SARA LAUGHS

152
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:49,440
Who even has a father-in-law
any more, you know? No-one.

153
00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:53,160
Still, this is a compelling
argument for delivery.

154
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:57,160
After an hour of vigorous vegging,
we hit the pans.

155
00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,160
In a way that's real.

156
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:02,040
Get down. Get down.

157
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:03,520
Take the paella, swish to the left.

158
00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:05,760
This device I like. Yeah...

159
00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:07,840
Ah, it's like being a lobster.

160
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:11,840
You shut your mouth. Senor.
Here we go. Vale, muy bien.

161
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:15,160
To the outside? Yes.
All around like a clock.

162
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:16,840
Like a meat clock. A meat clock.

163
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:20,080
Ah, I'd love a meat clock.

164
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,200
It's like an aesthetically
pleasing graveyard?

165
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,680
High five. How dare you?

166
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,520
After some fizzle and frying...

167
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:30,080
..we add a shiz tonne of water.

168
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:32,880
It feels like we're ruining
something we've spent ages on.

169
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,520
Followed by a scoop of snails.

170
00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:37,280
And one from here. OK?

171
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:39,720
And now you must stay concentrated.

172
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,880
This feels like just mocking
the snails.

173
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,880
Don't splash me with your
snail juice.

174
00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:48,880
Then, without warning, a mysterious
and unnerving ceremony commences.

175
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,840
MUSIC: Paquito el Chocolatero
Pasodoble

176
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,080
Ba-ba-ra-ba...

177
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:57,000
Venga, da la vuelta! Os gustara
la paella.

178
00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:00,200
Da la vuelta, da la vuelta.
If I get sacrificed...

179
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,840
Da la vuelta. ..tell my wife and
children I love them.

180
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:06,360
I don't want to die in this weird
paella ritual.

181
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:08,880
This was your idea. It's like
the end of the Wicker Man.

182
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,200
We're going to go in the pot!

183
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:15,200
Ba-ba-ba-ba... Oh, it goes on,
it goes on.

184
00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:17,400
ALL: Hey! OK.

185
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:20,120
Hey! Hey! Hey!

186
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:23,800
Chef Benny claims this demented
dance aids the cooking process,

187
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,920
of which there's another off-camera
hour.

188
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:29,920
Hey! Hey! Hey...

189
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,920
After this impromptu Valencian
voodoo

190
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,920
comes to its harrowing conclusion,

191
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:38,920
we prepare to plough through
our pans.

192
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:40,520
It's going to be a slow afternoon.

193
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:43,520
Mmm, really good. The beans I think
of the best bit.

194
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,920
The beans are very good. It's good.

195
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,440
What's your favourite food?
Probably crisps.

196
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,560
Do you like kettle chips?
I do like kettle chips.

197
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:53,680
I remember when they first came out.
Yeah, big day?

198
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,280
Blew the whole crisps scene
wide open. Gourmet crisps, hello.

199
00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:58,560
Unbelievable. When I first saw
a bag, I said, "I'm never

200
00:09:58,560 --> 00:09:59,840
paying a dollar for this."

201
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,880
One year later, half my wages.
Kettle chips.

202
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,840
I've eaten so many kettle chips my
mouth bled and I still didn't stop.

203
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,280
Would you do a bag? Oh, easily.
A whole bag? Two flavours, yeah.

204
00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:10,080
So two bags? Yeah.

205
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,480
Do you mix flavours, or do a flavour
then do the next bag?

206
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:16,480
Mix flavours. Mixed. Mix flavours.
We sound like we're eight.

207
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:19,920
Do you like the colour yellow?
It's my favourite, too.

208
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,080
Who's your favourite Care Bear?
I like the pink one.

209
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,120
I don't know what he's called,
but he's cool.

210
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:25,480
PHONE RINGS

211
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:27,920
That's Channel 4 ringing to say,
"Pick this up."

212
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,080
"Excuse me, what are you doing?"
"What is this?

213
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:33,680
"You do know this is being
broadcast?"

214
00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:37,680
Guts a-glut, we fix coordinates on
my favourite sub culture - feral
cats.

215
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,040
So much walking, it's exhausting.

216
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:45,040
I like the walking. It makes me feel
like we're on holiday. Stop, Sara.

217
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:47,720
Look at this. This tiny house.

218
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:51,520
Spain's most elaborate mogg flat is
the gateway to a house bequeathed

219
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,760
by an old lady in 1904, to the
city's felines,

220
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:58,360
in memory of a colossal cat cull
in the 11th century.

221
00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:00,320
Who slaughtered the cats? A knight.

222
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,080
I really like cats, and I hate
knights, I always have.

223
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,800
You can't hate all knights. Yeah.
Even King Arthur?

224
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:08,240
He's the worst. Really?
He's the ringleader.

225
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:11,560
Oh, they've had a Kinder egg. Yeah.
They love Kinder eggs.

226
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:13,240
They love surprises.
Of course they do!

227
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,440
Who doesn't like Kinder eggs?
Unless the surprise is

228
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:16,880
they're getting massacred. Yeah.

229
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,480
BELL RINGS

230
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:21,960
What time is it?
It's time to leave the ball.

231
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:25,960
Quickly! OK.

232
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:30,440
Valencia's motto is
vivir sin dormir,

233
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,120
or, live without sleep.

234
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:35,760
Which means that people here go out
in the evening.

235
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,640
Now, this is La Bella de Cadiz.

236
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,080
Is this where we're going? Yes.

237
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:43,080
I don't know what her affiliation
is, who knows. She's the landlady.

238
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,520
Oh, my gosh. Everything's for sale.

239
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,480
This is what I imagine your house
to look like.

240
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:51,160
This rejected set from rent-a-ghost,
also serves the hard stuff.

241
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:55,160
Good. Perhaps up to precipitate
ill-advised impulse purchases.

242
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:59,040
This is disturbing.
Oh, that's brilliant!

243
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:00,920
Oh, it's a lampshade.

244
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,920
Look at young Brian James.

245
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:06,800
Shut the door. I've been looking for
this tour poster for a long time.

246
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:08,680
Phil Collins' Seriously Tour.

247
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:12,680
Three exclamation marks either side
of the word tour.

248
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,840
But we've resolved to ingest a local
cocktail, Agua de Valencia -

249
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:20,720
a muddling mix of sugar, vodka, gin,

250
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,920
fresh Valencian orange juice,
and cava.

251
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:27,920
For the totally foolhardy,
Cointreau can also be added.

252
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:31,080
Hey, cheers. Is there a
Spanish way of saying cheers?

253
00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:34,840
I'm sure they've managed to think up
an equivalent.

254
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,360
That's already hit me, I'm afraid
to say.

255
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:41,360
Vodka and cava in the same glass?
And gin. This is too much.

256
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:45,520
It's too much. I mean, this is
the mo... I mean, what...?

257
00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,960
This is the...
Also, why is it so...?

258
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,200
Was the table this small when
we sat down? No.

259
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,480
Why is it so fast-acting as well?
It's immediate.

260
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,560
It takes a while to hit...
It's like it's been injected.

261
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:59,560
As the OJ floods our main arteries,
we embark on a sorry jazz odyssey.

262
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:06,680
HE STRUMS NOTES BADLY

263
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:12,400
Those lessons really paid off, huh?

264
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:16,400
After a thorough strum, we return
to conversation.

265
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,360
Pffff!

266
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,960
I'm absolutely hammered. I can tell.

267
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,520
You're in pieces. Yeah, I am.

268
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:26,280
Do want one more?
SHE SNIGGERS

269
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,440
Only one. OK.

270
00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:32,000
SHE SLURPS

271
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:36,000
My personal paramedic still refusing
to respond to my urgent texts,

272
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:38,560
day one ends in disgrace.

273
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:40,680
I don't think I've ever had a better
time than this.

274
00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:43,240
I can't talk any more. I mean...

275
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:47,240
I can't talk any more!
Oh, good grief.

276
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:49,600
Coming up...

277
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:53,600
A montage featuring things that will
be coming up.

278
00:13:54,480 --> 00:14:01,000
It's a little cup.

279
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:06,440
How dare you?

280
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,160
In the first half of our
victorious Valencian visit,

281
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:12,160
Sara Pascoe and I,
the owner of this voice,

282
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:15,360
semi-drained a
jug of juiced booze...

283
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:18,080
We are against the clock, and yet
I'm intrigued to see what happens

284
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,520
if you reach the bottom of that.
Don't make me.

285
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:24,520
..something that could have
been done anywhere.

286
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:29,120
Day two starts with an architectural
assault at Valencia's iconic

287
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:32,880
City of Arts and Sciences.

288
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,800
Well, this offers no protection
from the rain.

289
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:39,120
This space-age cultural complex
houses a science museum,

290
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:43,120
an opera house, a planetarium,
a sculpture park, an Imax cinema,

291
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:47,640
and Europe's largest aquarium.

292
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,760
Well, the City of Arts and Sciences.

293
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:52,480
It's beautiful!
Best known for its appearance in the

294
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,320
2015 film Tomorrowland,
starring George Clooney.

295
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,400
I knew it from somewhere.
Exactly, 1.2 billion,

296
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:58,800
went four times over budget.

297
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,840
Did it? But that's architect
Santiago Calatrava for you.

298
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:04,800
But the best way to appreciate
this architectural apogee

299
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:08,800
is from within a plastic ball!

300
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,000
Have you zorbed before?

301
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,800
I never have, have you?
I've never zorbed.

302
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:16,800
Are you into it?
For a claustrophobic, it's a dream.

303
00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:19,800
In you go.

304
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:21,760
Nothing about that's right.

305
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:25,760
AIR PUMP STARTS

306
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:29,920
What is this? Who are you?

307
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:33,760
Go on.

308
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:37,040
Oh... Wow, that's undignified.

309
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,640
Put your feet inside. Both feet.

310
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:41,920
Right, stand up first.

311
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,480
I should be able to -
that's my actual job.

312
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:48,480
OK. Whoa...

313
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:52,680
I'm standing up, look!

314
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:55,920
Like a couple of
overdressed hamsters,

315
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:59,000
we roll across the water
for an endless ten mins.

316
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,720
Stand up!

317
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:04,720
Stand up, Richard!
What are you trying to achieve?

318
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,320
See who can stand up the longest!

319
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,520
It looks like you're trying to
fight out of this thing.

320
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:10,800
There's no way out.

321
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,480
I'm just going to lie down.

322
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:15,080
SARA LAUGHS

323
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:17,520
You look demented.

324
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,240
Just relax.

325
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:23,240
It's the enthusiasm I can't stand.

326
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:25,480
Ridiculous.

327
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,960
You ever wonder where we've gone
wrong as a civilisation?

328
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:32,960
I think this is a pretty good image.

329
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,240
VOICEOVER: Suffocating from
our own BO...

330
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:36,480
Here we go.

331
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:39,680
..we are finally released
in a spurt of noxious gas.

332
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:41,680
Well, thank you.

333
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:43,800
How was that? It was, like,
the best and worst thing

334
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,920
I've ever done, all at once.
Interesting.

335
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,960
I kept vacillating between,
"This is fun. I'm going to be sick".

336
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,440
Oh, yes. You know what, it does
make you appreciate not being

337
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:52,960
in there any more. It does.

338
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,840
Like, this is nice, isn't it?
It's good. Yeah.

339
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:57,000
You take not being encased
in plastic for granted.

340
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,880
I have, my entire life. Yeah.

341
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:04,800
Other watery pursuits are available.

342
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:08,800
Eg this - Europe's fifth-biggest
port gives way to a 6K stretch

343
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:13,400
of beach,
which I fully intend to avoid.

344
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,000
Do you find the beach pleasing?

345
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,160
Love it. What do you like about it?

346
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,320
The heat, the sun, the sea. I want
to get in the sea and swim.

347
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:23,440
Splash everyone,
get your armbands on!

348
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:25,360
I don't want to stay afloat
if I'm in the sea that long,

349
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:28,960
I just want to go down
and let death overcome me.

350
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,960
Overcome by oceanic awe,

351
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,200
we slope towards the
coveted top spot

352
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,240
of TripAdvisor's
Sweet Shizz To Do In Valencia.

353
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:40,120
Number one! That's right. In
Valencia! Exactly. Here it is! Yes.

354
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:44,120
It's Europe's largest market,
the Mercado Central!

355
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,240
A bit of a pilgrimage for me.

356
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:51,080
The first place to have
computerised scales back in '96.

357
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:55,080
'96? Computerised scales. The times
have changed. Changed the game...

358
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:58,120
..of weighing produce.

359
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,080
This is a vegan's dream!

360
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:04,080
Yeah, it's like being in a house
of horrors at the funfair.

361
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:07,240
That is a lot of snails.
A lot of snails.

362
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,400
You ate these little guys earlier.

363
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:10,880
Yeah, I mean...

364
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:14,080
Do you want to apologise?
I don't feel great about it.

365
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:17,800
"Auntie Margaret hasn't replied to
my Christmas card!" Yeah. Uh-oh.

366
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,920
That just looks like one of those
bag of nuts you get

367
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:23,920
for Christmas has come alive. Yeah.

368
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:26,800
Look at that, one of those
computerised scales

369
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:28,000
I was talking about.

370
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:32,000
I mean, to be in the place that
introduced computerised weighing...

371
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,280
It hasn't sunk in. In a market.
It hasn't sunk in.

372
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,960
I'm still tingling, I'm tingling!

373
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,440
The excitement is so great,

374
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:41,960
we decide to centre ourselves with
some local comestibles.

375
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,760
Horchata and farton.

376
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:47,680
Hola. Dos horchatas e un farton,
por favor. Muy bien.

377
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:51,240
The accent is just bang-on.

378
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:54,760
Horchata is made from
tigernuts, water, cinnamon,

379
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:58,560
and a whole heap of sugar.

380
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:01,120
Tigernut, of course, isn't a nut,
it's a tuber.

381
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:04,200
Oh, like a potato?
I guess, you reached the limits of

382
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:08,200
my knowledge as soon
as I said "tuber".

383
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,400
Yep. Very sweet, isn't it?
Very sweet.

384
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:17,200
Well, wait till...
Very sweet, and then very planty.

385
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:20,840
I like it a lot.
Mmm, that's a heck of a farton.

386
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:23,240
I've not even had better at Greggs.

387
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,280
They don't sell fartons in Greggs.

388
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:28,760
You have to ask, under
the counter. Oh, my gosh!

389
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:32,320
You need to know management
to get a farton at Greggs.

390
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:35,440
Peter Kay can get a farton
at Greggs. Yeah, I bet.

391
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,240
He's no mug.

392
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:42,240
As our blood turns to treacle,
we sludge forth.

393
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,560
What would you do if I just
tried to hold your hand?

394
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,000
SARA LAUGHS

395
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,400
I'd punch you right on the nose.

396
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,360
SARA LAUGHS

397
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:53,360
Like your boy Dan Brown, we decide
to pursue, and ultimately locate,

398
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:54,720
the Holy Grail.

399
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:56,280
ANGELIC CHOIR MUSIC PLAYS

400
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,760
Our search is part aided by the
common knowledge that
it's purportedly

401
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:03,760
housed in Valencia's
13th-century cathedral!

402
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:12,920
Well?

403
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,600
The World Cup.

404
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:18,600
Some claim that this is
the Holy Grail.

405
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:22,200
The Holy Grail, for me, was getting
invited to do Travel Man.

406
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,160
You're not alone. Of course I'm not.

407
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:25,840
It was the same for Paul Rudd.

408
00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:27,320
I've never seen a man smile so much.

409
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:31,320
Paul Rudd? He was a competition
winner. Is he? Yeah.

410
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:34,520
Thought by some to be the actual
vessel used by Jesus during

411
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:37,520
the Last Supper, this is the only
cup to have been

412
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:39,320
recognised by the Vatican

413
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:43,240
as the potential Holy Grail.

414
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,160
I can't really see it,
if I'm telling the truth.

415
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:48,760
Do you want to borrow these?
Can I? Sure. I'm short-sighted.

416
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:52,520
It's a little cup.
It is a tiny cup, 17cm high.

417
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:55,040
That's pretty little, isn't it?
Yeah.

418
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:57,040
This is amazing. Yeah.

419
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:58,760
And there's blobs of people!

420
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,400
Yeah, they are. Are they monks?

421
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,200
You need to go to the
optician's, dear.

422
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,920
I know, I know!
What is going on? I know.

423
00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:07,520
Those chairs are too small.

424
00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:09,040
They're for kneeling. Oh.

425
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,920
They're exactly the
right height. OK.

426
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,200
Has this cup been on
the Antiques Roadshow?

427
00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:15,600
It hasn't been as yet.

428
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,680
I don't know what David Dickinson
would make of it.

429
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:19,560
Oh, well, let's get it,
let's take it on there.

430
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:21,520
We'd have to get through the
bulletproof glass,

431
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,560
that's the problem.

432
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,920
With my fact cannon exhausted...

433
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:29,040
This is the kind of walk where it
looks like that's going to blow up.

434
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:32,240
..our mini-break must come
to an end.

435
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,080
That's fortunate, isn't it?

436
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:38,080
A completely empty table in an
incredibly busy square.

437
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:41,240
And you said that you
phoned ahead and ordered drinks?

438
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,560
Yes. That's great.

439
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:45,760
Two mineral waters, yeah?
Oh, did you say mineral water?

440
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:48,280
I thought you said Agua de Valencia.
That is specifically

441
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:52,200
what I did not say. Thank you
very much. Gracias. Muchas gracias.

442
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:54,320
Look how buff he's got just from
lifting these things.

443
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,720
I think this one's
even stronger than yesterday!

444
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,880
Oh, man. Do you remember when I...

445
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:01,360
..couldn't speak any more?
Yeah, I do remember that moment.

446
00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:04,240
Get ready to see it again! OK.

447
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:07,440
Our fizzy orange takes the
price of our Valencian voyage

448
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:10,920
to 646.50 PP.

449
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:12,840
ALL: Hey!

450
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:16,720
How do you feel about Valencia?

451
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,600
Did it please you?
Really pleased me.

452
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:22,480
I did like walking around Gulliver,
the cycling around the park... Yes.

453
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:24,120
That's beautiful, wasn't it?

454
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:27,160
How did you feel about
the zorbing?

455
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:29,880
No, nah... No, furious.
I don't want to ever zorb again.

456
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:31,600
My zorbing days are over,
no, thank you.

457
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,400
Your zorbing days are behind you?
Yep. It's been beautiful weather!

458
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:36,880
Good weather. And what's good on
a holiday, though... Yeah?

459
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:39,680
..is to start looking forward
to going back. Ah... I like home.

460
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:42,280
Well, if this trip has only served
the function of reminding you

461
00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:45,240
how much you like being at home,
then I feel I've done my job.

462
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:48,840
You have! I can't drink any more of
that and make it to the airport.

463
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,720
I'll finish your Agua de Valencia!
OK, you have this.

464
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:53,680
Thank you. You're more than welcome.

465
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,600
I'll check us in online.
Oh, thank you. OK.

466
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:58,360
Do you want to go at the front?
I'll go near the loos at the back.

467
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:00,320
You don't want to sit with
me on the plane?

468
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:02,320
Has this all been fake?

469
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:04,560
Sara, right? You mean...

470
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:05,920
Sara?

471
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:09,920
Next week, a double-day dunk in
Amsterdam with the man Joe Lycett!

472
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:15,200
I feel so alive!

473
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Subtitles by Ericsson

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