The mini break is a colossal cauldron of crazy,
within which walls a bewildering broth of baffle.
How the cuss can you be certain your condensed campaign of consumption
is perceiving correctly?
But fear not, for I,
the localised drizzle that is Richard Ayoade, am here
to get your short-hols game tight.
Each week, I will co-opt the most pliable person available at time of
recording and brutally barrel you through an over-packed mini break.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, a 48 hour vroom round Valencia,
AKA, the city of 100 bell towers.
Here's a sample sprinkling.
BELL RINGS
Joining me on this Spanish swoop, is comedian, Sara Pascoe.
I'm absolutely hammered. I can tell.
Together we will...kick off in the kitchen...
Hey! I'm just learning, OK?
Hey, put down the spoon.
..encase ourselves in plastic...
It's the enthusiasm I can't stand.
..and meander through ten miles of meat.
This is a vegan's dream.
Yeah, it's like being in a house of horrors.
We're here, but should we have come?
I think is the best idea you've ever had.
I wouldn't dignify it with the word idea.
I just have to fill the time.
After a journey so dull, it digitally erased itself.
We arrive in Spain's third-largest city.
Here we are foregrounded by the Torres de Serranos.
Prime example of Valencian gothic, built in 1398.
I think it's now a KFC or a Chicken Cottage.
I don't know, a chicken outlet. It's very interesting.
But why have you brought me here to Valencia?
I'm literally on the way to telling you.
Valencia was founded by mini-break pioneers the Romans, under the name
Valencia Edetanorum, in 138 BC,
making it one of the oldest cities in Spain.
The principal conurbation on the Costa del Azahar,
or Orange Blossom Coast,
Valencia is the citrus capital of Europe - producing
1.37 mil tonnes of oranges every annum.
And if that stat doesn't make you sit up and be counted,
it is the birthplace of paella.
That's right, someone gave birth to paella right here.
Valencianos celebrate Paella Day in March.
And perhaps even more importantly than that...
..won a brutally competitive campaign to get a paella emoji,
which was finally introduced in 2016 along with, as we all now know,
ones for bacon, avocado, and my continuing adversary, the croissant.
A cat can command a 48-hour vidi of Valencia for £225.60 per purse.
But we've already spaffed that by staying at this joint.
We're at the Caro Hotel.
Bono's been here. Everyone gets a free album.
And you can't give it back. He slips it under your door.
You can't give it back. Why would you want to, though? Well...
Restoration of this former 19th-century palace unearthed a
whole load of massively old shiz, including Moorish lanterns,
and a 12th century Arabic wall.
Sara's 60 open-plan square metres...
This is absolutely splendid and a million times nicer than my house.
..are integrated into a 12th century watchtower to form the oldest room
in the hotel.
SHE EXHALES
My quarters are comprised of the former grand ballroom,
library, and tea room.
HE SNIFFS Bono.
With Bono's private scent still in my nostrils,
we joined some of the seven mil dudes who per year descend on the
Turia Gardens, the hub of the city.
And to ensure we spread ourselves a thin as poss,
I've booked this crate.
Look at this bike. It's just so conveniently arranged.
Have you told them we're going to take it? No, just pedal.
Nine KMs of urban park, run along the course of the old Turia River.
Oh, now I get it. This is the river.
We're underneath the bridges. We're in the river.
It's a long river path. Exactly.
Which was diverted south of the city, after a
catastrophic flood in 1957.
It's beautiful!
There's quite a few people cycling towards us with a look
that suggests we're in the wrong lane. Oh.
Or maybe we are meant to be in the centre.
OK, this runner's going to have to move.
Oh, no! He's going to have to move. You're crazy!
WHEELS SQUEAK
I need to get some oil on these wheels.
Is that your knees? How dare you? I'm sorry. I'm not yet 40. I know.
What would you say if I said we're about to cycle under the
third oldest bridge in Valencia?
You better be telling the truth. Don't let me down.
Well, we're about to. 1591. Puente del Mar.
1591? That's right. It's so old looking!
It's so old. Ask me how long this bridge is.
You don't know how long it is. How long is it? 160 metres. Whoa!
That's right. You have no way of verifying that.
This is what we should be in.
We'd be having a great time there.
Did we not have the money? No.
OK, we're stopping. Yeah?
You want to know why? Good. My legs are tired. Yeah?
Yeah. That's one of the reasons.
The other reason lies down this path. Oh! What's happening?
It's just arbitrary transition, deal with it.
Halfway along the riverbed, is Park Gulliver,
where landlubbers like us can live it up like a Lilliputian.
You've not got... I've got terribly impractical shoes on.
You've not got the best footwear. If you need assist...
Luckily, I've got the balance of a mountain goat.
It was inaugurated in 1990... Hey, guys.
..and has no comprehensible connection to Valencia.
So, I completely forgot to tell you that this is 70 metres long,
and at its highest point, nine metres.
This is highly appropriate for
two people with a combined age of over 70.
Yeah? Yeah.
If it weren't for these pesky kids, I could really enjoy myself.
See you later, everyone! OK.
Oh! Whoa! That was ungoverned.
Oh, that's how you do it.
It doesn't look as much fun when you do it. It's more fun. OK.
That's the face of someone having fun.
But before we blow our personal perspective forever, we chit.
Sorry about this. I'm like locked in a pay dispute with Uber, so...
I'm sorry. I booked paella school for us. Have you? Yes.
Or pa-eya. Oh. Is that what you learn at paella school?
Yeah, you learn how to say it... How to pronounce it.
..in a more pompous way. Yeah. OK. You're all right with that?
I'm vegan, so is this going to be a problem? That's a shame.
I think they do have vegetables there. Ah.
Hello! Hello.
Chef Benny has presided over 5,000 paella pupils,
while consistently looking like John Cale.
I know it's not going well. I can tell. No, don't worry.
I can tell by the looks.
With paella, aficionado Maria judging us with each fiery glance,
we set to work on one traditional and one flesh-free version of
Valencia's famous rice-based dish.
TRANSLATION:
And in your father-in-law's house. OK. Here we go.
It may shake you to your core to learn that traditional Valencian
paella does not contain seafood.
It contains flippin' chicken and rabbit.
This gives it a feeling of jeopardy.
If you, if we blow this, that's going to burn,
so we've got to hurry up. Don't worry.
Do you cook a lot at your father-in-law's house?
Oh, my father-in-law can't get me off his barbecue.
SARA LAUGHS
Who even has a father-in-law any more, you know? No-one.
Still, this is a compelling argument for delivery.
After an hour of vigorous vegging, we hit the pans.
In a way that's real.
Get down. Get down.
Take the paella, swish to the left.
This device I like. Yeah...
Ah, it's like being a lobster.
You shut your mouth. Senor. Here we go. Vale, muy bien.
To the outside? Yes. All around like a clock.
Like a meat clock. A meat clock.
Ah, I'd love a meat clock.
It's like an aesthetically pleasing graveyard?
High five. How dare you?
After some fizzle and frying...
..we add a shiz tonne of water.
It feels like we're ruining something we've spent ages on.
Followed by a scoop of snails.
And one from here. OK?
And now you must stay concentrated.
This feels like just mocking the snails.
Don't splash me with your snail juice.
Then, without warning, a mysterious and unnerving ceremony commences.
MUSIC: Paquito el Chocolatero Pasodoble
Ba-ba-ra-ba...
Venga, da la vuelta! Os gustara la paella.
Da la vuelta, da la vuelta. If I get sacrificed...
Da la vuelta. ..tell my wife and children I love them.
I don't want to die in this weird paella ritual.
This was your idea. It's like the end of the Wicker Man.
We're going to go in the pot!
Ba-ba-ba-ba... Oh, it goes on, it goes on.
ALL: Hey! OK.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Chef Benny claims this demented dance aids the cooking process,
of which there's another off-camera hour.
Hey! Hey! Hey...
After this impromptu Valencian voodoo
comes to its harrowing conclusion,
we prepare to plough through our pans.
It's going to be a slow afternoon.
Mmm, really good. The beans I think of the best bit.
The beans are very good. It's good.
What's your favourite food? Probably crisps.
Do you like kettle chips? I do like kettle chips.
I remember when they first came out. Yeah, big day?
Blew the whole crisps scene wide open. Gourmet crisps, hello.
Unbelievable. When I first saw a bag, I said, "I'm never
paying a dollar for this."
One year later, half my wages. Kettle chips.
I've eaten so many kettle chips my mouth bled and I still didn't stop.
Would you do a bag? Oh, easily. A whole bag? Two flavours, yeah.
So two bags? Yeah.
Do you mix flavours, or do a flavour then do the next bag?
Mix flavours. Mixed. Mix flavours. We sound like we're eight.
Do you like the colour yellow? It's my favourite, too.
Who's your favourite Care Bear? I like the pink one.
I don't know what he's called, but he's cool.
PHONE RINGS
That's Channel 4 ringing to say, "Pick this up."
"Excuse me, what are you doing?" "What is this?
"You do know this is being broadcast?"
Guts a-glut, we fix coordinates on my favourite sub culture - feral cats.
So much walking, it's exhausting.
I like the walking. It makes me feel like we're on holiday. Stop, Sara.
Look at this. This tiny house.
Spain's most elaborate mogg flat is the gateway to a house bequeathed
by an old lady in 1904, to the city's felines,
in memory of a colossal cat cull in the 11th century.
Who slaughtered the cats? A knight.
I really like cats, and I hate knights, I always have.
You can't hate all knights. Yeah. Even King Arthur?
He's the worst. Really? He's the ringleader.
Oh, they've had a Kinder egg. Yeah. They love Kinder eggs.
They love surprises. Of course they do!
Who doesn't like Kinder eggs? Unless the surprise is
they're getting massacred. Yeah.
BELL RINGS
What time is it? It's time to leave the ball.
Quickly! OK.
Valencia's motto is vivir sin dormir,
or, live without sleep.
Which means that people here go out in the evening.
Now, this is La Bella de Cadiz.
Is this where we're going? Yes.
I don't know what her affiliation is, who knows. She's the landlady.
Oh, my gosh. Everything's for sale.
This is what I imagine your house to look like.
This rejected set from rent-a-ghost, also serves the hard stuff.
Good. Perhaps up to precipitate ill-advised impulse purchases.
This is disturbing. Oh, that's brilliant!
Oh, it's a lampshade.
Look at young Brian James.
Shut the door. I've been looking for this tour poster for a long time.
Phil Collins' Seriously Tour.
Three exclamation marks either side of the word tour.
But we've resolved to ingest a local cocktail, Agua de Valencia -
a muddling mix of sugar, vodka, gin,
fresh Valencian orange juice, and cava.
For the totally foolhardy, Cointreau can also be added.
Hey, cheers. Is there a Spanish way of saying cheers?
I'm sure they've managed to think up an equivalent.
That's already hit me, I'm afraid to say.
Vodka and cava in the same glass? And gin. This is too much.
It's too much. I mean, this is the mo... I mean, what...?
This is the... Also, why is it so...?
Was the table this small when we sat down? No.
Why is it so fast-acting as well? It's immediate.
It takes a while to hit... It's like it's been injected.
As the OJ floods our main arteries, we embark on a sorry jazz odyssey.
HE STRUMS NOTES BADLY
Those lessons really paid off, huh?
After a thorough strum, we return to conversation.
Pffff!
I'm absolutely hammered. I can tell.
You're in pieces. Yeah, I am.
Do want one more? SHE SNIGGERS
Only one. OK.
SHE SLURPS
My personal paramedic still refusing to respond to my urgent texts,
day one ends in disgrace.
I don't think I've ever had a better time than this.
I can't talk any more. I mean...
I can't talk any more! Oh, good grief.
Coming up...
A montage featuring things that will be coming up.
It's a little cup.
How dare you?
In the first half of our victorious Valencian visit,
Sara Pascoe and I, the owner of this voice,
semi-drained a jug of juiced booze...
We are against the clock, and yet I'm intrigued to see what happens
if you reach the bottom of that. Don't make me.
..something that could have been done anywhere.
Day two starts with an architectural assault at Valencia's iconic
City of Arts and Sciences.
Well, this offers no protection from the rain.
This space-age cultural complex houses a science museum,
an opera house, a planetarium, a sculpture park, an Imax cinema,
and Europe's largest aquarium.
Well, the City of Arts and Sciences.
It's beautiful! Best known for its appearance in the
2015 film Tomorrowland, starring George Clooney.
I knew it from somewhere. Exactly, 1.2 billion,
went four times over budget.
Did it? But that's architect Santiago Calatrava for you.
But the best way to appreciate this architectural apogee
is from within a plastic ball!
Have you zorbed before?
I never have, have you? I've never zorbed.
Are you into it? For a claustrophobic, it's a dream.
In you go.
Nothing about that's right.
AIR PUMP STARTS
What is this? Who are you?
Go on.
Oh... Wow, that's undignified.
Put your feet inside. Both feet.
Right, stand up first.
I should be able to - that's my actual job.
OK. Whoa...
I'm standing up, look!
Like a couple of overdressed hamsters,
we roll across the water for an endless ten mins.
Stand up!
Stand up, Richard! What are you trying to achieve?
See who can stand up the longest!
It looks like you're trying to fight out of this thing.
There's no way out.
I'm just going to lie down.
SARA LAUGHS
You look demented.
Just relax.
It's the enthusiasm I can't stand.
Ridiculous.
You ever wonder where we've gone wrong as a civilisation?
I think this is a pretty good image.
VOICEOVER: Suffocating from our own BO...
Here we go.
..we are finally released in a spurt of noxious gas.
Well, thank you.
How was that? It was, like, the best and worst thing
I've ever done, all at once. Interesting.
I kept vacillating between, "This is fun. I'm going to be sick".
Oh, yes. You know what, it does make you appreciate not being
in there any more. It does.
Like, this is nice, isn't it? It's good. Yeah.
You take not being encased in plastic for granted.
I have, my entire life. Yeah.
Other watery pursuits are available.
Eg this - Europe's fifth-biggest port gives way to a 6K stretch
of beach, which I fully intend to avoid.
Do you find the beach pleasing?
Love it. What do you like about it?
The heat, the sun, the sea. I want to get in the sea and swim.
Splash everyone, get your armbands on!
I don't want to stay afloat if I'm in the sea that long,
I just want to go down and let death overcome me.
Overcome by oceanic awe,
we slope towards the coveted top spot
of TripAdvisor's Sweet Shizz To Do In Valencia.
Number one! That's right. In Valencia! Exactly. Here it is! Yes.
It's Europe's largest market, the Mercado Central!
A bit of a pilgrimage for me.
The first place to have computerised scales back in '96.
'96? Computerised scales. The times have changed. Changed the game...
..of weighing produce.
This is a vegan's dream!
Yeah, it's like being in a house of horrors at the funfair.
That is a lot of snails. A lot of snails.
You ate these little guys earlier.
Yeah, I mean...
Do you want to apologise? I don't feel great about it.
"Auntie Margaret hasn't replied to my Christmas card!" Yeah. Uh-oh.
That just looks like one of those bag of nuts you get
for Christmas has come alive. Yeah.
Look at that, one of those computerised scales
I was talking about.
I mean, to be in the place that introduced computerised weighing...
It hasn't sunk in. In a market. It hasn't sunk in.
I'm still tingling, I'm tingling!
The excitement is so great,
we decide to centre ourselves with some local comestibles.
Horchata and farton.
Hola. Dos horchatas e un farton, por favor. Muy bien.
The accent is just bang-on.
Horchata is made from tigernuts, water, cinnamon,
and a whole heap of sugar.
Tigernut, of course, isn't a nut, it's a tuber.
Oh, like a potato? I guess, you reached the limits of
my knowledge as soon as I said "tuber".
Yep. Very sweet, isn't it? Very sweet.
Well, wait till... Very sweet, and then very planty.
I like it a lot. Mmm, that's a heck of a farton.
I've not even had better at Greggs.
They don't sell fartons in Greggs.
You have to ask, under the counter. Oh, my gosh!
You need to know management to get a farton at Greggs.
Peter Kay can get a farton at Greggs. Yeah, I bet.
He's no mug.
As our blood turns to treacle, we sludge forth.
What would you do if I just tried to hold your hand?
SARA LAUGHS
I'd punch you right on the nose.
SARA LAUGHS
Like your boy Dan Brown, we decide to pursue, and ultimately locate,
the Holy Grail.
ANGELIC CHOIR MUSIC PLAYS
Our search is part aided by the common knowledge that it's purportedly
housed in Valencia's 13th-century cathedral!
Well?
The World Cup.
Some claim that this is the Holy Grail.
The Holy Grail, for me, was getting invited to do Travel Man.
You're not alone. Of course I'm not.
It was the same for Paul Rudd.
I've never seen a man smile so much.
Paul Rudd? He was a competition winner. Is he? Yeah.
Thought by some to be the actual vessel used by Jesus during
the Last Supper, this is the only cup to have been
recognised by the Vatican
as the potential Holy Grail.
I can't really see it, if I'm telling the truth.
Do you want to borrow these? Can I? Sure. I'm short-sighted.
It's a little cup. It is a tiny cup, 17cm high.
That's pretty little, isn't it? Yeah.
This is amazing. Yeah.
And there's blobs of people!
Yeah, they are. Are they monks?
You need to go to the optician's, dear.
I know, I know! What is going on? I know.
Those chairs are too small.
They're for kneeling. Oh.
They're exactly the right height. OK.
Has this cup been on the Antiques Roadshow?
It hasn't been as yet.
I don't know what David Dickinson would make of it.
Oh, well, let's get it, let's take it on there.
We'd have to get through the bulletproof glass,
that's the problem.
With my fact cannon exhausted...
This is the kind of walk where it looks like that's going to blow up.
..our mini-break must come to an end.
That's fortunate, isn't it?
A completely empty table in an incredibly busy square.
And you said that you phoned ahead and ordered drinks?
Yes. That's great.
Two mineral waters, yeah? Oh, did you say mineral water?
I thought you said Agua de Valencia. That is specifically
what I did not say. Thank you very much. Gracias. Muchas gracias.
Look how buff he's got just from lifting these things.
I think this one's even stronger than yesterday!
Oh, man. Do you remember when I...
..couldn't speak any more? Yeah, I do remember that moment.
Get ready to see it again! OK.
Our fizzy orange takes the price of our Valencian voyage
to 646.50 PP.
ALL: Hey!
How do you feel about Valencia?
Did it please you? Really pleased me.
I did like walking around Gulliver, the cycling around the park... Yes.
That's beautiful, wasn't it?
How did you feel about the zorbing?
No, nah... No, furious. I don't want to ever zorb again.
My zorbing days are over, no, thank you.
Your zorbing days are behind you? Yep. It's been beautiful weather!
Good weather. And what's good on a holiday, though... Yeah?
..is to start looking forward to going back. Ah... I like home.
Well, if this trip has only served the function of reminding you
how much you like being at home, then I feel I've done my job.
You have! I can't drink any more of that and make it to the airport.
I'll finish your Agua de Valencia! OK, you have this.
Thank you. You're more than welcome.
I'll check us in online. Oh, thank you. OK.
Do you want to go at the front? I'll go near the loos at the back.
You don't want to sit with me on the plane?
Has this all been fake?
Sara, right? You mean...
Sara?
Next week, a double-day dunk in Amsterdam with the man Joe Lycett!
I feel so alive!
Subtitles by Ericsson