The mini break of the colossal cauldron of cray-cray,
within which boils a bewildering broth of baffle.
How the cuss can you be certain your condensed campaign of consumption is
proceeding correctly?
But fear not, for I,
the localised drizzle that is Richard Ayoade am here to get your
short-haul game tight.
Each week, I'll purloin the most pliable person available at time of
recording and wantonly rang you through an overpacked mini break.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, a 48-hour schlep through Stockholm.
30 mil bods flock to the Swedish capital each year,
no doubt lured by its commitment to data privacy,
which sees it ranked a reassuring seventh worldwide.
Joining me for this Baltic blast is actor and comedian Sally Phillips.
We must never speak of this again.
Together, we will scale unimaginable heights...
You are, like, so masculine. Thank you.
..pay due respect to a phenomenon...
That zip goes all the way to the genitals.
..and tell yet another lie.
It's much better than the IKEA meatball.
We're here, but should we have come? Yeah.
Really?
With a two-and-a-half-hour flight figuratively behind us, we arrive,
breeze-battered, on one of the 14 islands
that make up the Baltic-based
ballast that insists on the name Stockholm.
I can only apologise, in retrospect,
I probably should have sprung for a cab.
Yeah. It's a statue of a large crucified mitten, back there.
Yes. Yes, that's a piece I commissioned.
So, I'm guessing you didn't bring me here for the weather.
Why did you bring me?
I did bring you for the weather,
but I'm going to tell you the other reasons now.
Stock-to-the-holm, the largest city in Scandinavia, was founded in 1252,
promoted to Sweden's capital in 1634,
but was frankly an irrelevance until the formation of ABBA in 1972.
Stockholm and its surrounds have poured forth a full flagon
of cultural colossi, including a couple of Bergmans,
Ingrid and Ingmar,
Alfred "Prize" Nobel, and head-banded pant designer Bjorn Borg.
And, if that hadn't broken the camel's back,
Sweden is the root cause of dynamite, matches, zips, GPS, Skype,
Spotify, ultrasound, the pacemaker,
and everyone's favourite tetrahedron storage carton -
I'm talking Tetra Pak.
A short hop to the 'holm could cost the cash-strapped cat
257.31, or you could fling your full purse at this hotel on
Norrmalmstorg Square - the most expensive spot in Swedish Monopoly.
Look at this, Nobis hotel.
You'll remember this from the 1973 bank heist... Yeah.
..that gave rise to the term "Stockholm syndrome".
Yes, I was three, I remember vividly.
The hotel is on the site of the former Kreditbanken,
where four employees, held hostage during a six-day siege, developed
sympathetic feelings towards their captors,
giving rise to the term Stockholm syndrome.
Hi. Welcome. Hi there. Phillips.
Phillips? And Ayoade, spelt as you'd imagine.
Can I be in the same room that Kanye West stayed in?
Yes, so you will have the Nobis Suite, sir.
Thank you. I ask that whenever I check-in -
regardless of where I am.
At over 2k a night, I immediately call up Jimmy Carr's
accountant to discuss options.
Should be enough apples.
Room 359, my lucky number.
Sally's room is, for some baffling reason, called the corner suite.
Swedes have invented many things...
..among them, the colour greige.
Sally, I'm here, directly above you in a way that is in no way contrived.
But we can't languish here,
we've got to hit the streets of Stockholm, now!
Ah!
With time refusing to relent,
we lollop to the island of Riddarholmen
for a high-eyed view of the city.
What a beautiful day.
Yes. Well, you'll want to take advantage
of the visibility to see Stockholm at height...
That'd be a fantastic... ..while attached to a safety harness...
Oh. ..from this building.
Hello. Hi. Hello.
Stockholm's only rooftop tour takes place at the summit of the old
parliament building, where guide Gabriela waits with our girdles.
Always sort of vaguely humiliating these, aren't they?
Like getting a massive metal nappy on.
Oh, warning.
Thank you. Great.
Displaying the bravery on which all light entertainment is based...
Ah! ..we clip in and commence our 300-metre ascent.
You never quite get used to heights.
Have you ever thought of just putting up a rail?
Well, it's supposed to be a bit exciting.
Oh, I see. Otherwise we could just be walking down there.
Yes, you are right. The thought of dropping down to our death is making
the sightseeing more vibrant.
With brief, darting glances,
we courageously survey the Riddarholm Church and the City Hall,
where, one day, I will humbly collect my Nobel Prize.
You see, a royal palace flat roof with scaffolding,
it took them 60 years to build it.
That's builders for you, 60 years.
Is the Princess Australian?
Is that right, is that Sweden? No, no, that's Denmark.
Denmark, sorry.
It's very similar. Denmark, Norway, Sweden.
OK, whoa. We look the same, speak the same.
Hey, don't say say Norway is similar to any of these.
Norway is completely unique. You think?
I'm half Norwegian. Oh!
I'd like to see you produce a band of the same quality as A-ha.
ABBA? Oh, please. Don't even mention.
Now, I'd say this is quite windy.
It is. It's very windy.
Feel free to steady yourself.
You're, like, so masculine.
Thank you. Look at you.
I mean, if I only had a pound for every time that's been said to me.
This is our most critical part. OK.
If you would fall down here,
this is where you would be hanging off the roof.
Oh, my word.
After 60 magical mins, our tour truncates.
Well, look, I love being at this level,
but why don't we try ground again?
Having reached sightseeing saturation,
we head for Swedish sustenance at Malarpaviljongen.
It's absolutely rammed, isn't it?
I've pre-ordered, though...
Thank goodness for you. ..to circumvent this circus.
Chunking cinnamon pastries and quaffing coffee co-comprise the
cultural concept called fika,
the daily social ritual in which Swedes insist on squandering time
socialising over buns.
That's the review they want.
Well, I think this is so nice, being by the water,
and I quite like the gentle rocking motion.
Oh, I wish I was on solid ground.
So, is fika-ing more or less serious than four o'clock tea?
It's more serious, Sally.
Sometimes twice a day.
If you refuse to fika with someone,
you could be shut out of Swedish society forever.
Do you have a point of relaxation time during your daily life?
I suppose just after the school run
and before I wash up the cereal bowls.
OK. That's your time.
What about you? Nothing?
The idea of relaxing makes me tense.
This is not for me, quite frankly.
I can't fika all day, we've got stuff to do.
You either take your bun with you...
I'm going to... ..or leave it on the lily pad.
Our secret sacks stuffed silly, we move on.
And, for our next mode of transport,
we wisely select Stockholm's extensive tram network.
Number seven to Djurgarden.
Sweden, of course, has got the largest musical export
per capita of any country.
You literally know everything, don't you?
No, I don't know anything.
I'm fed everything via an earpiece.
That's a very...
I'm barely here. Someone's telling me to put my arm on this pole.
Seeking to submerge our souls in Swedish pop, we disembark and,
after a brief off-camera pilgrimage to the Ace of Base museum,
end up at this joint.
ABBA. Oh, yeah.
ABBA The Museum
pays homage to Sweden's most enduring cultural achievement...
Wow.
..as well as colour matching my coat,
which partway justifies the expense.
That zip goes all the way to the genitals.
The museum is rightly renowned for providing
an antidote to Swedish minimalism.
Wow, look.
This is exactly where they wrote all their songs,
in front of this screensaver.
That will have been very similar to the type of cup,
conceivably, one of them might have picked up.
It's very moving to see it.
There wasn't room for the girls, was there? There's not room. There's not room.
That's like, "Hey, girls, you know, you're very talented and everything but..."
Yeah, but, come in when the song's finished.
When ABBA wrote the lyrics "ring, ring, why don't you give me a call?"
Perhaps they'd anticipated this moving moment.
The phone rings, pick it up, it's ABBA calling -
or one member. I always found him the most attractive, this guy.
That guy? Noel Edmonds.
I would say, of the four, he's the least attractive.
He's probably going to call in now.
How long do you think we should give this? Two days?
Maybe they're just not going to ring in today. Oh, come off it. I mean, they can't just be sitting at home,
waiting to ring tourists. This is the first time I've not been
randomly called by a super group in my life.
Oh, dear.
I'm loving this,
like, in direct proportion to how little you're enjoying it.
I feel very uncomfortable.
But my understanding of uncomfortable expands exponentially as we enter a
karaoke booth for what I hope is the last time ever.
# All the things I could do If I had a little money
# It's a rich man's world... #
And then...
SHE HOLLERS
With her entire blood supply now in her bonce,
Sally demands we meander to the museum's most popular exhibit.
Oh, wow, this is really creepy.
# I've been cheated by you since I don't know when... #
Wow. Come on, ABBA.
# So I made up my mind... #
Scanning your ticket before taking the stage
ensures a digital record of the CGI catastrophe.
# Yes, I've been broken-hearted
# Ooh, since the day we parted
# My, my, I could never let you go... #
Oh, they've disappeared.
We must never speak of this again.
If anything, you were better than the rest of them.
If this was a five-piece, I'd say you should go solo.
All right, I'm going to leave now. I think that might be wise.
We acknowledge ABBA for the music and abscond.
And, as the midsummer sun eventually sets at the absurd hour of 11pm,
we still have shizz to scope.
Well, this tower is abandoned... Yeah.
..as well as being 72 metres high.
The abandoned Telefonplan Tower in the south of the city is home to an
interactive light installation.
You select which window you want to control,
I mean, I don't want to control any of these colours.
Designed to get people to connect with their surroundings via an app.
Here we go, it's saying it's going red. Oh, it is going red.
Ah, this is thrilling. How are you coping with the adrenaline of this?
I quite like it. I'm so pleased we're here to document this.
That's good. I think that's a pleasing combination of things.
Do you want to...? Yeah. I'd love to have a go.
Have a go on the wheels.
I feel like, if you were a teenager, you could send messages to
each other. What would yellow, pink, yellow mean?
"My mum won't let me out."
You've really locked into that, haven't you?
I have. I've never seen you so alive.
You're thrilled.
You just don't like it, do you?
I love it. And I think I'm scared of how much I like it,
that I'm scared to express it, because I can't take it with me.
And how will I deal with the hurt?
I don't want to shatter the illusion of television,
but we have been here for two hours now.
With my data roaming well into double digits,
we must quit the night.
In the part that's yet to be, things get deep in the deep freeze...
Who did you grow up with, the Krays?
..we battle the Baltic...
And this could only be improved by an outboard motor.
..and asked the bravest questions on television.
Do you home pickle? No! Everyone's home pickling.
You rejoin actor and comedian Sally Phillips and I,
TV's Richard Ayoade, halfway through a Swedish sojourn in Stockholm.
Ah!
Previously we crept...
The thought of dropping down to our death
is making the sightseeing more vibrant.
..cried...
Ah-ha-a!
I'm loving this in direct proportion
to how little you're enjoying it.
..and acted our age.
If you were a teenager you could send messages to each other.
We are the new candid one.
It is mega.
In an attempt to part-digest the fika,
day two starts with light leg work.
You probably have an ungovernable hankering to board that
and pedal as if your life depended upon it.
Yeah. Shall we fulfil that dream?
Wikipedia warns us Stockholm is one third water...
..so we decide to battle the enemy and pedal past some POIs.
It's just gorgeous. I mean, it's like an animation.
It's that pretty. It's ridiculous.
I mean, this could only be improved by an outboard motor.
Our raw animality propels us past two museums,
the Nordic and Maritime, the TV Tower...
Great to see it live.
And a 19th century notable.
Oh-h-h, look at that!
That's a Jenny Lind statue that was inaugurated in 1924!
The famous opera singer from the 1800s.
She'd scored about ?14.2 million in today's money
and donated it all.
Good for her. Do you think Shakira's done that?
Maybe Shakira has done that, I don't know.
Maybe she has, who knows? I don't want to judge Shakira,
this isn't the forum.
What's your feeling about commemorative statues?
Well, I'm still waiting for mine.
Yeah, it'll come.
Maybe a plaque first.
After nigh on an hour in the drink, we head to the nearest pontoon.
Well, I've just got whiplashed, so I'm going to consult my lawyer.
Although I prefer to eat my meatballs
nearer to flat pack furniture...
These only serve people. Meatballs for the people?
Stockholmers are free to eat kottbullar
in the many restaurants devoted to spherical meat.
Hi. Hello, how are you? OK, thanks. Fine, thank you.
Of course it's not in a glass.
No, it's in a jar. Why would it be in a glass?
Here, they ladle out a rotating roster of organic options,
including reindeer, moose and wild boar.
Which we are asked to accompany
with vinegared veg.
Pickle station. Pickle station.
Do you home pickle?
No! You don't home pickle? No.
Everyone's home pickling.
It's a great way to spend the time.
I think I've got enough, but I mean, we can always come back.
It's what I'm thinking. It's not far.
What are you talking about?
The aim is to get up on the house.
You've got to hurt the people who provide the buffet.
Look at that.
It's much better than the Ikea meatball.
What animal is that?
I think they just grow them on Norman Lamont's back,
and then just scythe them off.
So, this is the national dish?
It's the national dish for Sweden.
What's the English national dish?
So, roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.
Probably ought to just get Danny Dyer's menu plan,
and that's how we'll know what the national dish is.
The puns are getting to me.
And this mirror is of interest.
"You can't buy happiness, but you can buy meatballs."
Yeah. Why remind us that we can't purchase happiness?
Yeah. That in itself is depressing.
Yeah. They should really just say meatballs for sale.
OK. Shall we pay? No.
No. Run for your life.
We're not paying for this, we're on television.
How dare they suggest we should pay.
Belts a-bulge, we test our new wits in the field.
This is a bit of a personal pilgrimage for me.
Oh, yeah. Europe's third narrowest alley.
I've got to tick off the other two before I can die.
Where's its narrowest point?
Well, let's find out.
This is part of the whole exploration,
which is making this moment so exciting. Yeah.
I feel actually extraordinarily moved by this. Do you?
No.
In our continuing commitment to compression,
we secure a 45-min slot at the world's first permanent ice bar.
This is good.
Capes on, we rock in.
So, this is minus five.
Minus five, yes. Minus five. That's right.
They've had to chisel gum off this floor many a night.
The bar is built using crystal clear ice
from the Arctic Circle's Torne River.
As are the ludicrously chunky glasses!
Don't worry, I've got incredible bar presence.
And if it comes down to it, I will fight these people.
More vodka med lingon juice. Yeah.
Tack. Hej, hej.
That was very, very impressive. Thank you, it was very good.
How do you clean this place?
We have ice maintenance twice a year.
You clean it twice a year?
Wow, that's wonderful.
After that sobering stat,
we commandeer a corner in this alcoholic Arundel.
Oh, that's even colder than I thought it would be.
Yeah.
I mean, it's so cold, I can't tell what's happening to me.
It's quite strong. Is it? I can't tell. For me.
I've just gone into survival mode.
Perhaps the only thing I like about this
is the rigidity of the 45 minute time slot you're given. Yeah.
I would be able to relax more socially
if I knew that it would be over in 45 minutes.
Any trip, to any bar? Anything.
Also, you don't want to be in here so long that you need a wee.
That used to be something people used to do, isn't it?
They used to wee... Go on.
..on a tray, freeze it, and then slide it under people's doors.
Where... Who did you grow up with, the Krays?
Who did this? You'd need to use cheap trays.
How many trays are you... Cheap trays,
or else you can stick stuff through the dishwasher, can't you?
Well, you're... But that's not... ..you're not getting your tray back,
are you, after that?
Until you also return the tray once you've discovered the urine.
No, no, you take it off the tray - it's frozen. Oh!
And you slide just the wee under the door. Just...
Oh! Cos then it fits under the door.
See, I'm so polite I would have left them the tray.
You couldn't get the tray under the door.
You'd freeze the urine, you take it off the tray,
you put it under the door,
it defrosts... It defrosts, and then there's a puddle of wee.
People are fiendish.
That's presumably a kid thing to do.
Well, it's been worth coming here to find that out.
As I struggle to process man's inhumanity to man
and the use of urine as liquid rebuke,
we say goodbye to this creepy cube.
With the departure lounge looming,
we steal a second to salute one of Sweden's sons.
Well, this is an exciting spot to be in.
Ingmar Bergman, the formidable film and theatre director, worked at
Stockholm's Royal Dramatic Theatre from '63 to '66.
And in 2008, the street from which he would hail his cabs
was given his moniker.
It's a very short street. It is short.
It's like... It seems like an ambiguous mark of respect.
Yes. Like...
Well, I think it's very moving that it's opposite the Louis Vuitton,
which he loved so much. Yeah.
He loved picking up individual pieces of luggage
after tackling Chekhov.
We should probably get a cab now. Just like Bergman.
Yes, as he would.
Can we go to the world's largest hemispherical building, please?
Yeah, sure. Thank you.
An 11-min cross city fling takes us to our final destination -
the Ericsson Globe,
which has enclosed Sweden's national hockey team,
Beyonce, U2 and the former Pope.
Do you want to ascend the globen? Can't wait to ascend the globen.
Of course you can't.
It's like Thunderbirds. It is very like it.
Retractable roof.
This whole area's quite Visions of the Future.
Now, that is a view, isn't it?
It's a very ordered urban sprawl.
It's funny that they've pointed out the former headquarters
of the Swedish Tax Authority.
And I'd love to see that up close.
?13.48 for a shimmy around the globe
takes the cost of our Swedish saga to ?1,837.75 per pers!
All that's left to do now is adjudicate.
It seems ludicrous to ask for highlights.
Yeah. And yet, I must ask.
I liked all of it. I'd like to go back to the ABBA museum.
Yes, yes. Well, you should with someone less... Yeah.
With someone who likes ABBA. Did you like the ICEBAR?
The ICEBAR...
I liked looking at the ice... Right.
..but I ended up with the feeling that I would rather go and see
some ice in the wild. Yes.
The atmosphere here, I love. Good.
So, the streets are wide.
So, the wandering around is great. Yes.
And the Swedes are so incredibly nice.
And the air is so clean.
And the food... Yes.
Moose meatballs excepting, is... OK, was good.
.. is fantastic.
So, I feel there's lots to do and I'd like to come back.
OK. But with someone less ornery. But not with you?
Well, that could be the subtitle for this entire series,
so thank you for your honesty.
I can be as difficult in any European city.
Subtitles by Ericsson