1
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:06,199
To mini break is to fling one's
fragile form into a fog of folly.

2
00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:09,239
How in Kent can a cat
keep from flipping his lid

3
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:10,839
and blowing his bundle?

4
00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:13,039
But do not let fury's cry
chafe your cheeks,

5
00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:15,719
for I, everyone's favourite
everyman, aka Richard Ayoade,

6
00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:18,239
am here to get your short
haul ship to shore.

7
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:19,679
Whoo! Gutted!

8
00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:22,719
Lassoed to a litany of light
ent entities, I'm going

9
00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:25,079
to glibly guide you through
a global gambol.

10
00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:29,080
This, this,
this is travel without mercy.

11
00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:33,199
Tonight, 48-hours in Brussels.

12
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:36,719
This lowland landmass
trawls in tourists by the thou

13
00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:40,719
lured by its arcane architecture,
micturating monuments,

14
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:43,719
and high-carb comestibles.

15
00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:47,720
Joining me for this Belgian blow-off is
comedian, actor and writer, Lee Mack.

16
00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:50,759
Eat them. Thank you.

17
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:54,039
Together, we will question man's
desire for power...

18
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:57,599
There is a temptation to just stand
in the middle of it and go, "Grrrr!"

19
00:00:57,600 --> 00:00:58,799
I wish you would.

20
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,439
..challenge those that would mock...

21
00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:01,600
My surname is Mack.

22
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:04,359
That wasn't a joke. That's my name.

23
00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:06,279
..and push the boundaries
of naturalism.

24
00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:08,119
I used to go out with
one of these puppets.

25
00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:10,479
No strings attached. I love that.
You can have that.

26
00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:13,719
We're here, but should we have come?

27
00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:17,720
Are you to scale?

28
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:27,359
Our elegant journey begins by
choo-choo.

29
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:30,439
Have you been to Brussels before?
I have been to Brussels, yes.

30
00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:32,479
To negotiate Brexit?

31
00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:36,480
Mount up. In you go. Please. Ah.
Thank you. No. Come on.

32
00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:37,919
Please. Thank you.

33
00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:40,319
You're making a meal of this.

34
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:42,559
The two hour ten min trip allows me

35
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:46,560
to hone my world-class
conversational skills.

36
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,959
I can't wait to go through the
tunnel. You won't fly?

37
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,039
I don't like... You are the
BA Baracus of light ent.

38
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,279
I ain't getting on no plane, fool.
Course you aren't.

39
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,439
Yeah, I'm not as committed to
train travel as you.

40
00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,959
I don't actually dress as a train
driver like your good self.

41
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:01,639
I have prioritised visibility today.
OK?

42
00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:04,159
So, why are we going to Brussels?

43
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:08,160
Well, I'm pleased you've asked,
cos I'm about to tell you.

44
00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:12,239
Founded in 979AD, Brussels only rose
to capital status after

45
00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:15,279
the Belgian Revolution of 1830.

46
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:19,280
It houses 1.1 mill bods,
and if you're every asked how many

47
00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:23,520
visitors per annum it receives, you're to
look that dude in the eye and answer 6.8 mil.

48
00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:27,239
Belgian is bordered
by France, Germany, Luxemburg,

49
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:28,839
the Netherlands and the sea.

50
00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:30,599
In short, the joint's surrounded,

51
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,599
hence it's trio of official
languages.

52
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,799
Brussels has given birth to Hepburn
comma Audrey,

53
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,639
Damme comma Jean Claude Van, blue
buffoons the Smurfs

54
00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:40,439
and bequiffed bourgeois Tintin.

55
00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:43,639
It's also the one time
home of Antoine Joseph Sax

56
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:47,640
inventor of the saxhorn,
and Kenny G's go-to, the saxophone.

57
00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:52,719
And if that slurred stat swipe
didn't tilt your rudder,

58
00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:56,720
value hunting viewers could cop
a crock of brux for approx 205 pp.

59
00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:01,599
Bags bundled into one
of my Brussels bunkers,

60
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,199
we blunder towards the Grand Place.

61
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:08,200
This frickin' square has seen flower
festivals, markets and executions,

62
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:13,119
all surrounded by the high-falutin'
HQ's of well old trade guilds.

63
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:15,359
We touched hands there.
We did a bit, didn't we?

64
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,719
It didn't feel right.

65
00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:20,359
I'd like to just
hold your hand, actually.

66
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,119
110 metres by 68 metres.

67
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:26,120
Most of it restored after the 1695
bombardment of Brussels by France.

68
00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,279
Being with you is like being
with Wikipedia.

69
00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,239
All killer, no filler here.
Full of guildhalls.

70
00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:34,319
Bread, beer, town hall.

71
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,839
I don't know where the grease
makers are but I want to know.

72
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,959
Is there really a grease makers?
Course there is.

73
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,959
That's the one I'm interested in.
John Travolta's just bought it.

74
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:45,960
I've got a very squeaky door.
Let's exit.

75
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:51,440
As the history books may one day
remind us, Brussels is EU central.

76
00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:57,999
I see they got rid of the British
flag already. What do you expect?

77
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:01,359
You want your ex-girlfriend to keep
photos of you? Let it go.

78
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:03,799
It's over.

79
00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:07,799
To fully ingest Brussels' EU-philia
we cross the cobbles to

80
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:11,799
viddie one of Katie Hopkins'
favourite attractions.

81
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:15,319
You do realise you blend with every
road surface in this town.

82
00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:16,719
All right, Big Bird.

83
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,079
We're about to go into this second
most popular ticketed

84
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:20,399
attraction in Brussels.

85
00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:24,399
I love a mini village.

86
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:28,159
Mini Europe contains 350 dioramas
from 90 EU cities and cost

87
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:32,160
a colossal 12.5 mil euros.

88
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,639
Well, it's small, innit?

89
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:36,919
One to 25.

90
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,999
I find that incredible that
everything is exactly one to 25,

91
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,359
and I'm trying to work out if that's
true? It is true.

92
00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:44,639
Or are they just saying it?
Those cows aren't to scale.

93
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:47,199
They are. Those soldiers most
definitely aren't to scale.

94
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,359
Everything is one to 25.
That's not true.

95
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:52,799
It is true.

96
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,359
Miniature Grand Place. Wow!

97
00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,679
19,000 man hours to create.

98
00:04:57,680 --> 00:04:59,279
375,000 euros.

99
00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:01,279
Can I just say it could be
man or woman hours.

100
00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:03,479
Hashtag everyday sexism.
It's incredible.

101
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:04,719
How much do you reckon it cost?

102
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,159
375,000 euros. Did you say that?
Yes.

103
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,439
Oh, I'm sorry,
I tuned out when you were sexist.

104
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,959
Do you think they cover it
up at night with a big tarpaulin?

105
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:15,960
Do you think the real one gets
covered up with a massive tarpaulin?

106
00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:17,879
No, I do not think the real
one gets...

107
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,439
Everything is the same rules
but just downscale everything.

108
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,359
It's not everything.
Everything is the same.

109
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,079
Those people are entirely static.

110
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:29,080
Under strict instructions from whoever's
currently in charge, we head home.

111
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:31,719
I thought this was a celebration of
Europe but it's specifically

112
00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:33,719
the European Union. That's right.

113
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:36,039
So what happens when we're
not in the European Union?

114
00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:37,239
It's awkward.

115
00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:38,679
It's flipping awkward.

116
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:40,999
Oh, look, there's a Brexit...
Protest.

117
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:44,279
Sherlock Holmes on a boat, there,
solving a few crimes.

118
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:47,159
He's got a gun as well or is
that a hairdryer?

119
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:50,039
The Berlin Wall,
and there's a blue button there.

120
00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:53,279
Come on. Hit the button.
Here we go.

121
00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:55,159
Ohhh, I see. That's wonderful.

122
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:58,119
It's knocked
down the Berlin Wall. Is that it?

123
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:01,319
I'm a massive fan of this
model village. Yes.

124
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,759
But that was phenomenally
underwhelming. Ohhh.

125
00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:05,719
I don't want to hear this
kind of negativity.

126
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,039
Maybe I should go in there
and kick a bit of wall down.

127
00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:11,319
Who are you? Give freedom to the
East. David Hasselhoff.

128
00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:13,919
Let's bust this joint.

129
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:17,119
Still smarting from my solid
and up-to-date burn,

130
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:20,879
I seek to sooth Lee's injured
pride by securing a visit to

131
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:24,519
Brussels' most popular
ticketed attraction.

132
00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:26,239
The Atomium. Yeah.

133
00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:29,559
A mixture of atom and aluminium and
used to be made of aluminium

134
00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,759
although of course it's been refurbed
with stainless steel recently.

135
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,839
I've got a lot of aluminium
foil at home, actually,

136
00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:37,079
so this is making me
feel very at-home-ium.

137
00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,519
Ah, that was lovely.

138
00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:43,279
I sense that such deft wordplay will
have left Lee tired,

139
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:44,919
spent and potentially peckish.

140
00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:48,079
I'm immediately vindicated.

141
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,759
I want a waffle. Well, we're going
to have to go our separate ways.

142
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:52,959
You get a waffle. I'll go
and drink in the culture.

143
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,679
Phone me when you're up there.
Of course.

144
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:59,680
Lee hits up the nearest
Tutti Frutti...

145
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,719
..while I soar at a mind-melting
five metres per second -

146
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:09,720
a European record at time
of construction.

147
00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:13,079
That was a sweet ride.

148
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:15,039
I can highly recommend these
if you want one.

149
00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:16,599
They're fantastic.

150
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,199
Nothing.

151
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:22,119
The Atomium was
built for a 1958 expo to evangelize

152
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,439
the completely
and hilariously impossible utopian

153
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:28,440
dream of an interconnected Europe.

154
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,480
I'll tell you what...

155
00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:36,599
Lee Mack. TV's Richard Ayoade.
I can see you.

156
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,279
You're by a waffle van.

157
00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:40,319
Where are you? I'm in the top one.

158
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,879
Can you see me?
For once, I can't see your jacket.

159
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,199
This is compelling TV.

160
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:46,359
You do realise what you've
just missed. What?

161
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:49,239
You've just missed Europe's
fastest elevator.

162
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:50,599
Oh, not again.

163
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,599
Well, it was in 1958.

164
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,439
It's not the fastest one now. Oh.

165
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,359
I cannot tell you the pleasure I've
just had eating that waffle.

166
00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:00,279
Do you want to get you one, so that
when you come down, it's there?

167
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,239
Yes, I would like that.

168
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:05,599
After what could be unfairly
dismissed as a series

169
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:09,600
of establishing shots, we retrieve
our luggage and head to our hostel.

170
00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:10,839
You've got my diet, yeah?

171
00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,439
Yeah.

172
00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:16,359
Whale meat and poppadums.

173
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:19,599
You all right? There's a fossilised
motorbike here. Oh, yeah.

174
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,959
Hello. Welcome to The Jam Hotel.
Thank you.

175
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,439
How can I help you?

176
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,159
Erm, I was just wondering what
you call brussel sprouts?

177
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,239
It's the show that asks
the big questions.

178
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:29,399
It's called spruitjes.

179
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,999
I would've thought you would have
just called them sprouts.

180
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,279
Interesting. Because we don't say
the full English.

181
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:38,280
Oh, yeah, we do, don't we? We do.
Bad example.

182
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:42,239
The Hotel Jam is
situated in a former art school

183
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:46,240
and is ideal for one man who looks
like he was kicked out of Devo and

184
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:49,959
another man who looks like he plays
keyboards for the Kaiser Chiefs.

185
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,199
Wow!

186
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:54,799
Before we think something
is about to happen, so early

187
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:58,039
on in the show, it's just because
your room is identical to this.

188
00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:00,999
I can't work out if this is really
cool or it will be when it's done.

189
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,879
Stop conforming to type.
It's very competitively priced.

190
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:07,679
Right. You can fit five people. Two,
one, one, someone you don't like.

191
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:10,959
This is all well and good but you've
got to ask yourself this.

192
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,239
Has it got a cactus in a marmalade
jar? Oh, hang on.

193
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:15,319
Yeah, we're all right. I like it.
That's fine.

194
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:17,439
Go to your quarters, Lee.
We'll meet shortly.

195
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:21,439
Before Lee goes on another epic
and potentially mean spirited

196
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,439
hipster bash, we abscond for a dash
of Belgium's unofficial

197
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:28,399
national dish, which this joint
ladles out 69 different ways.

198
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,439
Here you are. Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

199
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:33,039
Please. No, please. Thank you.
You're welcome.

200
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:36,519
Wonderful.
So, we like mussels, don't we?

201
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:39,479
I don't think I've ever eaten
mussels before. You must have.

202
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:40,879
That's impossible. No.

203
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,359
How can you have gone through
your life not eating mussels?

204
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:44,839
I just always don't order them.

205
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:47,479
I have never gone a day without
eating mussels. Interesting.

206
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:49,639
That's the menu.
Oh, I like Asterix the Gaul.

207
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,519
This is not the Tintin story
I remember.

208
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:52,799
Moules Stink Puut.

209
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,759
Stink Puut means stinky feet.

210
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:59,760
Wow. It's with a special cheese,
smells very rare.

211
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:03,679
Stinky foot. Really. What
is your bestselling mussel's dish?

212
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,319
That'll be the sweaty armpit. No.

213
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,679
First, it's the classic one. 33.

214
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:10,199
33. All the threes.
I like the sound of that.

215
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:11,759
I might have a 33.

216
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,799
I'm happy to go fisherman's style.

217
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,599
Why don't you go fisherman's style
and I'll go 33. All right.

218
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,959
Then we'll go back to mine
and smell each other's feet

219
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,639
and have our own stinky feet
session.

220
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:23,359
Thank you very much. Thank you.

221
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:25,599
I don't... Meet me in the middle.
Come on.

222
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,280
Is that your chat up line?
Meet me in the middle?

223
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:40,439
OK, here we are. So you chose the
Fisherman. Wow.

224
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:41,959
And that's the 33.

225
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,879
I'll bring the fries and the sauces.

226
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:46,239
Don't open it. It's very hot.
Was that do or don't?

227
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,359
I think he said, "Do."
Oh, it's hot. Yes.

228
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,519
Could've warned us. Here you are.
Lovely.

229
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,719
Home-made sauces. Here we go.
Ohhh. That looks beautiful.

230
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,359
And here you are. That's lovely.
Enjoy it.

231
00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:58,559
Thank you very much.

232
00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:02,519
I would say these are large, good,
big, solid, fat, girthy mussels.

233
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,479
Now that will be on the board
out front.

234
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,359
Big, fat, healthy mussels Lee Mack.

235
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:09,399
These are the nicest
mussels I've tasted.

236
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,679
You just splashed me
with mussel juice, you heathen.

237
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:13,359
Now listen in, at the end,

238
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,599
will you have the courage to pick up
this and just drink it like a soup?

239
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:18,679
Is that what you're meant to do?
Definitely.

240
00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:22,039
In fact, if you knew what you were
doing, you'd ask for a straw.

241
00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:24,359
That's what the real
connoisseurs do. Of course it is.

242
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:25,999
You're going to be weeing
mussel juice.

243
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,399
Sounds like a threat.

244
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:30,319
You're going to be weeing mussel
juice by the end of the night.

245
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:34,320
I'm full, I'm absolutely full.
I couldn't eat another mussel.

246
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:38,239
Lee. You've got a long history with
mussels, how does this rank?

247
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:41,359
I would.... This is genuinely my top
mussel experience.

248
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:45,119
Thank you
but it's the company you keep.

249
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:47,159
Er... yes, it is. Yeah.
That was too long a pause.

250
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,999
It showed doubt, didn't it?
Yes, there was a lot of doubt. Yeah.

251
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,639
The only thing that remains
is for us to leave without paying.

252
00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:56,640
Are you doing a runner? Of course.

253
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:02,079
Can I get the bill, please?

254
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:05,919
With a belly full of brine, we crawl
forth for a cultural digestif

255
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:09,919
and what better way to metabolise
seafood than sitting through

256
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:13,079
a back street puppet show?

257
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,359
There's a lot of dolls. It looks
like a mass hanging.

258
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,359
I do like a puppet. Do you?
It was my first go at performing.

259
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:21,279
I got a little ventriloquist puppet
and tried to perform to my parents.

260
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,199
How did that go? They weren't
supportive.

261
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,159
They just said we'll
see your next movie.

262
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,959
Oh. I was really moving my lips.
That's a shame.

263
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:31,439
Brussels once contained
roughly 50 puppet theatres.

264
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:35,440
It is now home to precisely one,
the Royal Toone.

265
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:41,719
Tonight's show, in French, is the
three musketeers.

266
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,719
A tale of a clumsy man...

267
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,959
Oh, that's got to hurt.
That has got to hurt.

268
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:48,759
..given to tears... Ohh.

269
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,279
The fella with the long hair is
getting upset.

270
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,919
..and violent outbursts. Oh, hello.

271
00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:55,359
It's kicking off now.

272
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:58,959
Puppet Master, Nicolas Geal,
provides off-stage comms

273
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:02,159
while a team of six puppeteers
manhandle the marionettes.

274
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:05,480
Why don't we just aim for the strings
and then they just collapse. I know.

275
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,959
Oh, wow! Happy endings.

276
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:12,960
Very good.

277
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,359
What is French for encore? Encore.

278
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:18,199
Oh, yeah.
Thoughts? Reflections? Reviews?

279
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:19,479
Well, I love the puppetry.

280
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:21,919
It was clearly very funny
because everyone was laughing.

281
00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:23,879
Everyone was laughing.
We didn't get it.

282
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:25,079
Our language was not up to it.

283
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:27,359
I mean I don't get everything you
say. You know that. No.

284
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:31,039
And we speak the same language-ish.
Ish. Fair enough. Off we go.

285
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:34,479
Well, yes. I enjoyed that.

286
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:37,919
After that timely
meditation on the legacy of Babel

287
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:41,839
we barrel bedwards to snatch some
z's in time for Part 2.

288
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:44,599
A part which features
slashing statuary...

289
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,959
Couple of drops first
and then we're going to get a gush.

290
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,599
..precision piping...

291
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,159
It's that dribble at the end.

292
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:51,919
..and alarming honesty.

293
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:58,000
I get hit by a car,
it'll be a relief.

294
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,279
Your reluctant return sees
Lee Mack and I, a vision in lemon,

295
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:11,280
recommencing a rummage through the
bowels of Brussels.

296
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:15,319
And scenes that are now
the stuff of digital data,

297
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,239
we strode like colossi...

298
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:18,519
Well, it's small, innit.

299
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:19,959
..flirted...

300
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,639
You're going to be
weeing mussel juice.

301
00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:23,439
Sounds like a threat.

302
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,239
..and subsidised the arts.

303
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,159
It's kicking off now.

304
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:31,159
As morn breaks like a weakened
crisp, we thump up to a tourist

305
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:35,160
attraction that some might struggle
to justify - the Mannekin Pis.

306
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:41,040
Wow! Would it be better
if that water was dyed yellow?

307
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,159
You wanted more urine?

308
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:44,799
The girls know its urine.

309
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,279
That's a Dolly Parton song,
isn't it?

310
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:48,759
Urine, Urine, Urine...

311
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,279
The Mannekin Pis has been
symbolically

312
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:55,039
spraying urea since the 15th century
and was originally

313
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:59,040
built as a water source for its
morally ambivalent townsfolk.

314
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,919
Oh! The water's turned off.
Because they're going to dress him.

315
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:03,479
What are they going to dress him as?

316
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,599
I think they're dressing him
as Andrew Ridgeley.

317
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:09,439
Well, if you'd come all the way from
Japan, as a tourist, to see this...

318
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:12,479
Or even Peckham... dressed, you'd be
really annoyed, wouldn't you?

319
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:16,199
You'd be here going, "Off, off,
off, off, off, off, off!"

320
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:20,200
Our visit coincides with Paris
Fashion Week, and as a tribute

321
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:23,799
to this most vital of events, junior
pis is styled as a leather worker.

322
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,639
Does someone have to make
these bags, or... I wonder.

323
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,199
Who else is using those bags?

324
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,399
Well. Too big for a doll.

325
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:31,439
Too small for a human.

326
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:35,440
Well, you can
get big dolls these days.

327
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,519
It's starting to urinate.
There we go.

328
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:39,959
Well done, lad.

329
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:43,960
If you think this is the only civic
waz in town, you're not right.

330
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:47,799
Jeanekke Pis created
as a counterpart to re-dress

331
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,159
the gender in-balance.

332
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:50,319
Ahh.

333
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:51,639
50 centimetres high.

334
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:54,559
Smaller than the diddy one. Yeah,
but she is squatting. Well...

335
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:57,159
Can you stand up
so we can measure you properly?

336
00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:58,759
Oh, we've seen a boy and a girl

337
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:02,760
but I'm disappointed we haven't seen
any sort of animal weeing. Wait.

338
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,959
I thought you meant, "Wait, that's
a zebra crossing." And also that.

339
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,879
Road safety, and civic monument.

340
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:13,519
1998, this bad boy. Really?
Literally, Zinneke Pis.

341
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:16,439
What does Zinneke mean?
Well... bastard dog.

342
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,079
Why do they call it a bastard dog?

343
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,439
Because that's a nickname
for the people of Brussels.

344
00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:24,439
No, it's not. It is.
How do you know? Try it out.

345
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,839
After a brief inter-scene scuffle,

346
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:30,279
we arrive at an affluent arcade
called the Galeries St Hubert.

347
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,159
Look at this. Look at this.

348
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:34,839
There are two things I love in life
chocolate and shoplifting.

349
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,439
Can we go in? Have some respect.

350
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:39,599
This is where praline was
invented in 1912. Here.

351
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:42,519
How do you know this stuff?
It says on the sign. Oh, yeah.

352
00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:45,599
Birthplace of the Belgian praline.

353
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:49,600
Belgium exports over half a million
tonnes of choc per annum,

354
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:53,199
so we decide to increase
the manufacturing base.

355
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,799
Ahh, hello. How are you?

356
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:58,479
Master chocolatier, Laurent Gerbaud,
offers workshops

357
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:02,279
so high rollers like us
can hone our skills.

358
00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:03,519
That's very good.

359
00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:07,520
Then I shake it to take out
the bubbles.

360
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,239
But what
if I wanted to make an aero?

361
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,519
An aero?

362
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:13,559
Because they put bubbles in.

363
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:16,919
OK, but you just shake
it like that, or... Fine.

364
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:19,599
I don't think he knows what an aero
is, so a bit embarrassing.

365
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,239
Now you decorate as you like.
Lovely.

366
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:23,959
Then back to the fridge.

367
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,999
That's a good catchphrase.
It is. Back to the fridge.

368
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,399
And after it will look
something like this.

369
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,559
Oh, that's nice.
I'll take that one.

370
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:35,839
I know that, you want to take that
one because it's...

371
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:38,239
See he understands my...
Course he does.

372
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:41,959
Left hand, right hand?
I've got both. OK.

373
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,719
This guy's on fire. Right.
Here we go.

374
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:45,039
It's going straight under.

375
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:47,920
When do I stop? Stop. I'd stop now.
Stop.

376
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,799
Oh! I just coughed.
I just coughed into the chocolate.

377
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:54,439
Into the cylinder. Into the whole
cylinder, Lee. Lee!

378
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,479
I'm so sorry. That's a whole
batch ruined.

379
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:57,839
We have to close down the shop.

380
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,159
I think it might have been
a bit of mussel. Oh, dear.

381
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:01,879
There's like 12 kilos.

382
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:05,399
Trays rammed with confectionary
and Lee's innards,

383
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:06,639
it's time to aestheticize.

384
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:09,919
Normally we see the psychotic
problem of people,

385
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:11,359
the way they make it.

386
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:14,999
You think this shows I am
as a psychosis?

387
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:17,599
Yours is a bit messy. Mine? Yeah.
Thank you.

388
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,839
This one is very repetitive.

389
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:20,959
Thank you.

390
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,079
That could be my wife talking.

391
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:26,799
After that joke from the 70s,
we move on to the next stage.

392
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:29,359
Next job.
You will have to make pralines.

393
00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:31,719
Ohh, I love pralines.
Filled pralines.

394
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:32,999
Oh, I hate filled pralines.

395
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,639
We create the hard outer
shells. Fill it.

396
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:38,279
Whack it. Smack it.
Twist it. Shake it. Shake it.

397
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,039
Bake it. Scrape it.

398
00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:43,359
Fill them with praline mixture
before briefly pausing

399
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:44,719
for an OCD pinch point.

400
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:48,159
Hello. Stop. Stop. Stop.
I've got to get the last one out.

401
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,599
It's going to irritate me
if I can't get it out.

402
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,599
All right. I've got to get it out.

403
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,079
I won't be able to relax until...
Oh, it's out.

404
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:58,999
Our triumph self evident, we embrace
our master. Thank you very much.

405
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,279
This is really lovely. Thank you
so much. That's a pleasure, Laurent.

406
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:05,359
Come on. There we go.

407
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:07,639
Laurent, it is
very rare I hug anyone.

408
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:09,639
That's how much I've enjoyed
this experience.

409
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:10,919
What did he say?

410
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:12,959
He doesn't usually like to
touch other men,

411
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,039
but he's made an exception for you.
Oh, OK, nice.

412
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:19,040
Thank you very much, Laurent.
See you, boys.

413
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,839
Pumped full of praline,
we have time for

414
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:25,119
but one more stop
off before we are station bound.

415
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,119
But which one?

416
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:31,120
Will it be the chip museum,
a temple to the frite?

417
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:35,240
Will your boys bounce to Trainworld, the
new museum that cost 15 million euros?

418
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:39,439
No, why would you get it
so wantonly wrong?

419
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,319
Those were mere montages.

420
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,999
We're in a completely
different place.

421
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,479
The colours, compared to me,
are relatively subdued.

422
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:48,439
You would be easier to
draw as a cartoon strip.

423
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,999
I am a cartoon character.

424
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:55,000
Belgium has the densest per square
mile concentration of comic strip

425
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,999
authors on earth and this museum
gives these dudes

426
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,359
and the dudes that
came before those dudes their due.

427
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:03,439
And for increased ocular input,

428
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:07,440
we curtail our convo for a curated
comic book walking tour.

429
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:10,919
You are the most Belgian looking man
I have ever seen.

430
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,079
Now I want to meet this Bart.

431
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:14,199
I never thought I'd say that
to a grown man.

432
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:17,239
Why is Belgium
so good at comic making?

433
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:20,439
We have a huge tradition
when it comes to making comics.

434
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:24,440
And the first real Belgian comic
we still know today as is Tintin.

435
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:29,120
Tintin started out as a journalist
addressing the kids on how

436
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,839
people lived in countries
around the world.

437
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,279
He was the original Travel Man.

438
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:34,839
He was the real Travel Man.

439
00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:35,999
The only Travel Man.

440
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:37,399
We don't owe him royalties.

441
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:41,399
Well, we're also going to see some
murals outside, are we not?

442
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:44,039
Yes. Well, let's go now.
Now? Should we?

443
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,559
Let's go right now. OK. I'd like to
have another look round.

444
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:48,239
Let's wait a bit and then go.

445
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:52,240
Brussels' bromance with the
bandes dessinnees sees it bedecked

446
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,679
with 50-ish plus murals.

447
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:58,119
This is Lucky Luke.
Is this somebody's house? Yes.

448
00:20:58,120 --> 00:20:59,879
Are they happy, that they
don't mind?

449
00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:01,799
Guys living in Brussels
are very happy.

450
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,599
It must be worth a lot of money now.

451
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,359
It makes the houses more expensive,
like a Banksy. Maybe, even.

452
00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:09,319
I don't know. We woke up and there was
a Banksy on the side of our house.

453
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,199
It was very exciting. Oh, really?
Well, we're not sure it's a Banksy.

454
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:14,679
It says, "Sharon is a slag."
Is that a Banksy? That's a Banksy.

455
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:18,680
That's a Banksy. So we think it
might be worth a lot of money.

456
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:23,039
This is Thorgal.
Who's done the mural?

457
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,559
The artists are making the drawing.

458
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:29,560
The drawing is passed on to a firm
that makes the murals.

459
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:32,999
I think comic book artist's
job is not this.

460
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,919
This is a completely different
skill. Same skill, bigger brushes.

461
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,399
Surely.

462
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:41,079
Lastly Bart leads us to Yoko Tsuno,
scientist, black belt, diver,

463
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:43,959
pilot, astronaut,
and serial over-achiever.

464
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,999
Not this lady,
she seems fine but it's not her.

465
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:49,119
She's got all these superpowers
and yet she struggles to keep

466
00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:51,439
hold of an orange. It's not an
orange. Citrus fruit.

467
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,679
It's a planet.
To be fair, that could be an orange.

468
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:55,919
Bart. Thank you. Heck of a tour.

469
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:57,239
It's been massive.

470
00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:58,879
Yeah, thank you for your attention.

471
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:00,719
You're not on E4, Lee.
It's been mega, Bart.

472
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:03,119
It's been absolutely, this has
been... This has been sick.

473
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,279
This has been some sick shiz.
We must head this way.

474
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:08,479
Don't get run over, Richard.
I'll try not to.

475
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:12,480
537 quid down, we must volunteer
a verdict on Brussels for the

476
00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:17,600
sake of our children and their
children and what viewers remain.

477
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:20,639
So we're finished, are we?

478
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,239
Gosh, you're very keen for this to
end.

479
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,759
Ah, well, thank you for having me.
How have you found it?

480
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:26,799
A lot quieter without the kids.
Good.

481
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:29,639
But Brussels, it's been all right.
What have been your highlights?

482
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,159
I mean I hate to press you
to individual moments, but I must.

483
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:34,959
I did like the chocolate waffle.
I'm a simple man with simple needs.

484
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:36,799
The one moment when I wasn't
there... Yeah.

485
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:39,719
..was your highlight of the trip?
It was two euros well spent.

486
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:41,919
Well, thank you.
What have you enjoyed?

487
00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:45,920
Well, I'm not so sure about a city
so dedicated to urinating.

488
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:47,359
It's big, innit?

489
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:50,759
In many ways I support
that as a frequent urinator myself.

490
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:52,999
But you know, I'm a fan.
I like Brussels a lot.

491
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:54,999
I like Brussels. I like mussels.

492
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,119
I like chocolate. I like waffles.

493
00:22:57,120 --> 00:22:59,239
I like murals. I like comic books.

494
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,479
I like yellow jackets.
I like copper streets.

495
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:04,479
I like beige jackets.
And I like you.

496
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:05,959
There's your headline.

497
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:08,519
Let's get back on the train.
Let's go home together.

498
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,719
Let's turn the cameras off and,
er... Explore each other's bodies.

499
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:13,599
Explore each other's bodies,
finally.

500
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:17,600
OK. Oh, I'm paying for this as well,
am I? Yeah.

501
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:22,159
Next week, a two day
detainment in Oslo with Fay Ripley.

502
00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:24,919
Oh! Ahhh!

503
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,760
Fruity!