To mini break is to fling one's fragile form into a fog of folly.
How in Kent can a cat keep from flipping his lid
and blowing his bundle?
But do not let fury's cry chafe your cheeks,
for I, everyone's favourite everyman, aka Richard Ayoade,
am here to get your short haul ship to shore.
Whoo! Gutted!
Lassoed to a litany of light ent entities, I'm going
to glibly guide you through a global gambol.
This, this, this is travel without mercy.
Tonight, 48-hours in Brussels.
This lowland landmass trawls in tourists by the thou
lured by its arcane architecture, micturating monuments,
and high-carb comestibles.
Joining me for this Belgian blow-off is comedian, actor and writer, Lee Mack.
Eat them. Thank you.
Together, we will question man's desire for power...
There is a temptation to just stand in the middle of it and go, "Grrrr!"
I wish you would.
..challenge those that would mock...
My surname is Mack.
That wasn't a joke. That's my name.
..and push the boundaries of naturalism.
I used to go out with one of these puppets.
No strings attached. I love that. You can have that.
We're here, but should we have come?
Are you to scale?
Our elegant journey begins by choo-choo.
Have you been to Brussels before? I have been to Brussels, yes.
To negotiate Brexit?
Mount up. In you go. Please. Ah. Thank you. No. Come on.
Please. Thank you.
You're making a meal of this.
The two hour ten min trip allows me
to hone my world-class conversational skills.
I can't wait to go through the tunnel. You won't fly?
I don't like... You are the BA Baracus of light ent.
I ain't getting on no plane, fool. Course you aren't.
Yeah, I'm not as committed to train travel as you.
I don't actually dress as a train driver like your good self.
I have prioritised visibility today. OK?
So, why are we going to Brussels?
Well, I'm pleased you've asked, cos I'm about to tell you.
Founded in 979AD, Brussels only rose to capital status after
the Belgian Revolution of 1830.
It houses 1.1 mill bods, and if you're every asked how many
visitors per annum it receives, you're to look that dude in the eye and answer 6.8 mil.
Belgian is bordered by France, Germany, Luxemburg,
the Netherlands and the sea.
In short, the joint's surrounded,
hence it's trio of official languages.
Brussels has given birth to Hepburn comma Audrey,
Damme comma Jean Claude Van, blue buffoons the Smurfs
and bequiffed bourgeois Tintin.
It's also the one time home of Antoine Joseph Sax
inventor of the saxhorn, and Kenny G's go-to, the saxophone.
And if that slurred stat swipe didn't tilt your rudder,
value hunting viewers could cop a crock of brux for approx 205 pp.
Bags bundled into one of my Brussels bunkers,
we blunder towards the Grand Place.
This frickin' square has seen flower festivals, markets and executions,
all surrounded by the high-falutin' HQ's of well old trade guilds.
We touched hands there. We did a bit, didn't we?
It didn't feel right.
I'd like to just hold your hand, actually.
110 metres by 68 metres.
Most of it restored after the 1695 bombardment of Brussels by France.
Being with you is like being with Wikipedia.
All killer, no filler here. Full of guildhalls.
Bread, beer, town hall.
I don't know where the grease makers are but I want to know.
Is there really a grease makers? Course there is.
That's the one I'm interested in. John Travolta's just bought it.
I've got a very squeaky door. Let's exit.
As the history books may one day remind us, Brussels is EU central.
I see they got rid of the British flag already. What do you expect?
You want your ex-girlfriend to keep photos of you? Let it go.
It's over.
To fully ingest Brussels' EU-philia we cross the cobbles to
viddie one of Katie Hopkins' favourite attractions.
You do realise you blend with every road surface in this town.
All right, Big Bird.
We're about to go into this second most popular ticketed
attraction in Brussels.
I love a mini village.
Mini Europe contains 350 dioramas from 90 EU cities and cost
a colossal 12.5 mil euros.
Well, it's small, innit?
One to 25.
I find that incredible that everything is exactly one to 25,
and I'm trying to work out if that's true? It is true.
Or are they just saying it? Those cows aren't to scale.
They are. Those soldiers most definitely aren't to scale.
Everything is one to 25. That's not true.
It is true.
Miniature Grand Place. Wow!
19,000 man hours to create.
375,000 euros.
Can I just say it could be man or woman hours.
Hashtag everyday sexism. It's incredible.
How much do you reckon it cost?
375,000 euros. Did you say that? Yes.
Oh, I'm sorry, I tuned out when you were sexist.
Do you think they cover it up at night with a big tarpaulin?
Do you think the real one gets covered up with a massive tarpaulin?
No, I do not think the real one gets...
Everything is the same rules but just downscale everything.
It's not everything. Everything is the same.
Those people are entirely static.
Under strict instructions from whoever's currently in charge, we head home.
I thought this was a celebration of Europe but it's specifically
the European Union. That's right.
So what happens when we're not in the European Union?
It's awkward.
It's flipping awkward.
Oh, look, there's a Brexit... Protest.
Sherlock Holmes on a boat, there, solving a few crimes.
He's got a gun as well or is that a hairdryer?
The Berlin Wall, and there's a blue button there.
Come on. Hit the button. Here we go.
Ohhh, I see. That's wonderful.
It's knocked down the Berlin Wall. Is that it?
I'm a massive fan of this model village. Yes.
But that was phenomenally underwhelming. Ohhh.
I don't want to hear this kind of negativity.
Maybe I should go in there and kick a bit of wall down.
Who are you? Give freedom to the East. David Hasselhoff.
Let's bust this joint.
Still smarting from my solid and up-to-date burn,
I seek to sooth Lee's injured pride by securing a visit to
Brussels' most popular ticketed attraction.
The Atomium. Yeah.
A mixture of atom and aluminium and used to be made of aluminium
although of course it's been refurbed with stainless steel recently.
I've got a lot of aluminium foil at home, actually,
so this is making me feel very at-home-ium.
Ah, that was lovely.
I sense that such deft wordplay will have left Lee tired,
spent and potentially peckish.
I'm immediately vindicated.
I want a waffle. Well, we're going to have to go our separate ways.
You get a waffle. I'll go and drink in the culture.
Phone me when you're up there. Of course.
Lee hits up the nearest Tutti Frutti...
..while I soar at a mind-melting five metres per second -
a European record at time of construction.
That was a sweet ride.
I can highly recommend these if you want one.
They're fantastic.
Nothing.
The Atomium was built for a 1958 expo to evangelize
the completely and hilariously impossible utopian
dream of an interconnected Europe.
I'll tell you what...
Lee Mack. TV's Richard Ayoade. I can see you.
You're by a waffle van.
Where are you? I'm in the top one.
Can you see me? For once, I can't see your jacket.
This is compelling TV.
You do realise what you've just missed. What?
You've just missed Europe's fastest elevator.
Oh, not again.
Well, it was in 1958.
It's not the fastest one now. Oh.
I cannot tell you the pleasure I've just had eating that waffle.
Do you want to get you one, so that when you come down, it's there?
Yes, I would like that.
After what could be unfairly dismissed as a series
of establishing shots, we retrieve our luggage and head to our hostel.
You've got my diet, yeah?
Yeah.
Whale meat and poppadums.
You all right? There's a fossilised motorbike here. Oh, yeah.
Hello. Welcome to The Jam Hotel. Thank you.
How can I help you?
Erm, I was just wondering what you call brussel sprouts?
It's the show that asks the big questions.
It's called spruitjes.
I would've thought you would have just called them sprouts.
Interesting. Because we don't say the full English.
Oh, yeah, we do, don't we? We do. Bad example.
The Hotel Jam is situated in a former art school
and is ideal for one man who looks like he was kicked out of Devo and
another man who looks like he plays keyboards for the Kaiser Chiefs.
Wow!
Before we think something is about to happen, so early
on in the show, it's just because your room is identical to this.
I can't work out if this is really cool or it will be when it's done.
Stop conforming to type. It's very competitively priced.
Right. You can fit five people. Two, one, one, someone you don't like.
This is all well and good but you've got to ask yourself this.
Has it got a cactus in a marmalade jar? Oh, hang on.
Yeah, we're all right. I like it. That's fine.
Go to your quarters, Lee. We'll meet shortly.
Before Lee goes on another epic and potentially mean spirited
hipster bash, we abscond for a dash of Belgium's unofficial
national dish, which this joint ladles out 69 different ways.
Here you are. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Please. No, please. Thank you. You're welcome.
Wonderful. So, we like mussels, don't we?
I don't think I've ever eaten mussels before. You must have.
That's impossible. No.
How can you have gone through your life not eating mussels?
I just always don't order them.
I have never gone a day without eating mussels. Interesting.
That's the menu. Oh, I like Asterix the Gaul.
This is not the Tintin story I remember.
Moules Stink Puut.
Stink Puut means stinky feet.
Wow. It's with a special cheese, smells very rare.
Stinky foot. Really. What is your bestselling mussel's dish?
That'll be the sweaty armpit. No.
First, it's the classic one. 33.
33. All the threes. I like the sound of that.
I might have a 33.
I'm happy to go fisherman's style.
Why don't you go fisherman's style and I'll go 33. All right.
Then we'll go back to mine and smell each other's feet
and have our own stinky feet session.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
I don't... Meet me in the middle. Come on.
Is that your chat up line? Meet me in the middle?
OK, here we are. So you chose the Fisherman. Wow.
And that's the 33.
I'll bring the fries and the sauces.
Don't open it. It's very hot. Was that do or don't?
I think he said, "Do." Oh, it's hot. Yes.
Could've warned us. Here you are. Lovely.
Home-made sauces. Here we go. Ohhh. That looks beautiful.
And here you are. That's lovely. Enjoy it.
Thank you very much.
I would say these are large, good, big, solid, fat, girthy mussels.
Now that will be on the board out front.
Big, fat, healthy mussels Lee Mack.
These are the nicest mussels I've tasted.
You just splashed me with mussel juice, you heathen.
Now listen in, at the end,
will you have the courage to pick up this and just drink it like a soup?
Is that what you're meant to do? Definitely.
In fact, if you knew what you were doing, you'd ask for a straw.
That's what the real connoisseurs do. Of course it is.
You're going to be weeing mussel juice.
Sounds like a threat.
You're going to be weeing mussel juice by the end of the night.
I'm full, I'm absolutely full. I couldn't eat another mussel.
Lee. You've got a long history with mussels, how does this rank?
I would.... This is genuinely my top mussel experience.
Thank you but it's the company you keep.
Er... yes, it is. Yeah. That was too long a pause.
It showed doubt, didn't it? Yes, there was a lot of doubt. Yeah.
The only thing that remains is for us to leave without paying.
Are you doing a runner? Of course.
Can I get the bill, please?
With a belly full of brine, we crawl forth for a cultural digestif
and what better way to metabolise seafood than sitting through
a back street puppet show?
There's a lot of dolls. It looks like a mass hanging.
I do like a puppet. Do you? It was my first go at performing.
I got a little ventriloquist puppet and tried to perform to my parents.
How did that go? They weren't supportive.
They just said we'll see your next movie.
Oh. I was really moving my lips. That's a shame.
Brussels once contained roughly 50 puppet theatres.
It is now home to precisely one, the Royal Toone.
Tonight's show, in French, is the three musketeers.
A tale of a clumsy man...
Oh, that's got to hurt. That has got to hurt.
..given to tears... Ohh.
The fella with the long hair is getting upset.
..and violent outbursts. Oh, hello.
It's kicking off now.
Puppet Master, Nicolas Geal, provides off-stage comms
while a team of six puppeteers manhandle the marionettes.
Why don't we just aim for the strings and then they just collapse. I know.
Oh, wow! Happy endings.
Very good.
What is French for encore? Encore.
Oh, yeah. Thoughts? Reflections? Reviews?
Well, I love the puppetry.
It was clearly very funny because everyone was laughing.
Everyone was laughing. We didn't get it.
Our language was not up to it.
I mean I don't get everything you say. You know that. No.
And we speak the same language-ish. Ish. Fair enough. Off we go.
Well, yes. I enjoyed that.
After that timely meditation on the legacy of Babel
we barrel bedwards to snatch some z's in time for Part 2.
A part which features slashing statuary...
Couple of drops first and then we're going to get a gush.
..precision piping...
It's that dribble at the end.
..and alarming honesty.
I get hit by a car, it'll be a relief.
Your reluctant return sees Lee Mack and I, a vision in lemon,
recommencing a rummage through the bowels of Brussels.
And scenes that are now the stuff of digital data,
we strode like colossi...
Well, it's small, innit.
..flirted...
You're going to be weeing mussel juice.
Sounds like a threat.
..and subsidised the arts.
It's kicking off now.
As morn breaks like a weakened crisp, we thump up to a tourist
attraction that some might struggle to justify - the Mannekin Pis.
Wow! Would it be better if that water was dyed yellow?
You wanted more urine?
The girls know its urine.
That's a Dolly Parton song, isn't it?
Urine, Urine, Urine...
The Mannekin Pis has been symbolically
spraying urea since the 15th century and was originally
built as a water source for its morally ambivalent townsfolk.
Oh! The water's turned off. Because they're going to dress him.
What are they going to dress him as?
I think they're dressing him as Andrew Ridgeley.
Well, if you'd come all the way from Japan, as a tourist, to see this...
Or even Peckham... dressed, you'd be really annoyed, wouldn't you?
You'd be here going, "Off, off, off, off, off, off, off!"
Our visit coincides with Paris Fashion Week, and as a tribute
to this most vital of events, junior pis is styled as a leather worker.
Does someone have to make these bags, or... I wonder.
Who else is using those bags?
Well. Too big for a doll.
Too small for a human.
Well, you can get big dolls these days.
It's starting to urinate. There we go.
Well done, lad.
If you think this is the only civic waz in town, you're not right.
Jeanekke Pis created as a counterpart to re-dress
the gender in-balance.
Ahh.
50 centimetres high.
Smaller than the diddy one. Yeah, but she is squatting. Well...
Can you stand up so we can measure you properly?
Oh, we've seen a boy and a girl
but I'm disappointed we haven't seen any sort of animal weeing. Wait.
I thought you meant, "Wait, that's a zebra crossing." And also that.
Road safety, and civic monument.
1998, this bad boy. Really? Literally, Zinneke Pis.
What does Zinneke mean? Well... bastard dog.
Why do they call it a bastard dog?
Because that's a nickname for the people of Brussels.
No, it's not. It is. How do you know? Try it out.
After a brief inter-scene scuffle,
we arrive at an affluent arcade called the Galeries St Hubert.
Look at this. Look at this.
There are two things I love in life chocolate and shoplifting.
Can we go in? Have some respect.
This is where praline was invented in 1912. Here.
How do you know this stuff? It says on the sign. Oh, yeah.
Birthplace of the Belgian praline.
Belgium exports over half a million tonnes of choc per annum,
so we decide to increase the manufacturing base.
Ahh, hello. How are you?
Master chocolatier, Laurent Gerbaud, offers workshops
so high rollers like us can hone our skills.
That's very good.
Then I shake it to take out the bubbles.
But what if I wanted to make an aero?
An aero?
Because they put bubbles in.
OK, but you just shake it like that, or... Fine.
I don't think he knows what an aero is, so a bit embarrassing.
Now you decorate as you like. Lovely.
Then back to the fridge.
That's a good catchphrase. It is. Back to the fridge.
And after it will look something like this.
Oh, that's nice. I'll take that one.
I know that, you want to take that one because it's...
See he understands my... Course he does.
Left hand, right hand? I've got both. OK.
This guy's on fire. Right. Here we go.
It's going straight under.
When do I stop? Stop. I'd stop now. Stop.
Oh! I just coughed. I just coughed into the chocolate.
Into the cylinder. Into the whole cylinder, Lee. Lee!
I'm so sorry. That's a whole batch ruined.
We have to close down the shop.
I think it might have been a bit of mussel. Oh, dear.
There's like 12 kilos.
Trays rammed with confectionary and Lee's innards,
it's time to aestheticize.
Normally we see the psychotic problem of people,
the way they make it.
You think this shows I am as a psychosis?
Yours is a bit messy. Mine? Yeah. Thank you.
This one is very repetitive.
Thank you.
That could be my wife talking.
After that joke from the 70s, we move on to the next stage.
Next job. You will have to make pralines.
Ohh, I love pralines. Filled pralines.
Oh, I hate filled pralines.
We create the hard outer shells. Fill it.
Whack it. Smack it. Twist it. Shake it. Shake it.
Bake it. Scrape it.
Fill them with praline mixture before briefly pausing
for an OCD pinch point.
Hello. Stop. Stop. Stop. I've got to get the last one out.
It's going to irritate me if I can't get it out.
All right. I've got to get it out.
I won't be able to relax until... Oh, it's out.
Our triumph self evident, we embrace our master. Thank you very much.
This is really lovely. Thank you so much. That's a pleasure, Laurent.
Come on. There we go.
Laurent, it is very rare I hug anyone.
That's how much I've enjoyed this experience.
What did he say?
He doesn't usually like to touch other men,
but he's made an exception for you. Oh, OK, nice.
Thank you very much, Laurent. See you, boys.
Pumped full of praline, we have time for
but one more stop off before we are station bound.
But which one?
Will it be the chip museum, a temple to the frite?
Will your boys bounce to Trainworld, the new museum that cost 15 million euros?
No, why would you get it so wantonly wrong?
Those were mere montages.
We're in a completely different place.
The colours, compared to me, are relatively subdued.
You would be easier to draw as a cartoon strip.
I am a cartoon character.
Belgium has the densest per square mile concentration of comic strip
authors on earth and this museum gives these dudes
and the dudes that came before those dudes their due.
And for increased ocular input,
we curtail our convo for a curated comic book walking tour.
You are the most Belgian looking man I have ever seen.
Now I want to meet this Bart.
I never thought I'd say that to a grown man.
Why is Belgium so good at comic making?
We have a huge tradition when it comes to making comics.
And the first real Belgian comic we still know today as is Tintin.
Tintin started out as a journalist addressing the kids on how
people lived in countries around the world.
He was the original Travel Man.
He was the real Travel Man.
The only Travel Man.
We don't owe him royalties.
Well, we're also going to see some murals outside, are we not?
Yes. Well, let's go now. Now? Should we?
Let's go right now. OK. I'd like to have another look round.
Let's wait a bit and then go.
Brussels' bromance with the bandes dessinnees sees it bedecked
with 50-ish plus murals.
This is Lucky Luke. Is this somebody's house? Yes.
Are they happy, that they don't mind?
Guys living in Brussels are very happy.
It must be worth a lot of money now.
It makes the houses more expensive, like a Banksy. Maybe, even.
I don't know. We woke up and there was a Banksy on the side of our house.
It was very exciting. Oh, really? Well, we're not sure it's a Banksy.
It says, "Sharon is a slag." Is that a Banksy? That's a Banksy.
That's a Banksy. So we think it might be worth a lot of money.
This is Thorgal. Who's done the mural?
The artists are making the drawing.
The drawing is passed on to a firm that makes the murals.
I think comic book artist's job is not this.
This is a completely different skill. Same skill, bigger brushes.
Surely.
Lastly Bart leads us to Yoko Tsuno, scientist, black belt, diver,
pilot, astronaut, and serial over-achiever.
Not this lady, she seems fine but it's not her.
She's got all these superpowers and yet she struggles to keep
hold of an orange. It's not an orange. Citrus fruit.
It's a planet. To be fair, that could be an orange.
Bart. Thank you. Heck of a tour.
It's been massive.
Yeah, thank you for your attention.
You're not on E4, Lee. It's been mega, Bart.
It's been absolutely, this has been... This has been sick.
This has been some sick shiz. We must head this way.
Don't get run over, Richard. I'll try not to.
537 quid down, we must volunteer a verdict on Brussels for the
sake of our children and their children and what viewers remain.
So we're finished, are we?
Gosh, you're very keen for this to end.
Ah, well, thank you for having me. How have you found it?
A lot quieter without the kids. Good.
But Brussels, it's been all right. What have been your highlights?
I mean I hate to press you to individual moments, but I must.
I did like the chocolate waffle. I'm a simple man with simple needs.
The one moment when I wasn't there... Yeah.
..was your highlight of the trip? It was two euros well spent.
Well, thank you. What have you enjoyed?
Well, I'm not so sure about a city so dedicated to urinating.
It's big, innit?
In many ways I support that as a frequent urinator myself.
But you know, I'm a fan. I like Brussels a lot.
I like Brussels. I like mussels.
I like chocolate. I like waffles.
I like murals. I like comic books.
I like yellow jackets. I like copper streets.
I like beige jackets. And I like you.
There's your headline.
Let's get back on the train. Let's go home together.
Let's turn the cameras off and, er... Explore each other's bodies.
Explore each other's bodies, finally.
OK. Oh, I'm paying for this as well, am I? Yeah.
Next week, a two day detainment in Oslo with Fay Ripley.
Oh! Ahhh!
Fruity!