To mini break is to fling one's fragile form into a fog of folly.
How can a cat keep from flipping its lid
and blowing his bundle?
But do not let furies cry, chafe, or cheat.
For I, lad's lad, Richard Ayoade,
am here to get your short-haul ship to shore.
Lassoed to a litany of light entities,
I am going to glibly guide you through a global gambol.
This, this, this is travel without mercy.
Tonight, 48 hours in what the kids are calling subtropical Madeira,
an autonomous region of Portugal.
One mill tourists per an dump down in this most Atlantic
of pearls, to purloin its greenery,
well warm weather and curvy yellow seed-bearing structures.
Joining me is person's person, Robert Webb.
What is wrong with that?
Together, we will handle some handicraft...
I'm starting to sweat.
..libate like legends...
It's got that sort of, vino's afterburn.
..and scintillate with similes.
I mean, it is like something off the telly.
We're here, but should we have come?
Yes!
A four-hour haul from London leaves us 499 K M
from the coast of Africa.
Well, Robert. Here we are in Funchal, the capital of Madeira.
Basically underscored by the trundle of our own carry-ons.
What did people do before wheelie luggage?
I suppose it was a quieter but more muscly time.
Yes. But, Richard, why have you brought me here to Madeira?
I am about to tell you. Oh, good.
Madeira was both founded and claimed in 1419 by the Portuguese.
It is best known for its fortified wine and deeply dense cake.
Madeira is roughly the same size as Scarborough, and like Scarborough,
Madeira enjoys considerable independence from Portugal
and is a semi-tropical island with six distinct climate zones.
Also known as the island of eternal spring,
previous visitors include transatlantic early adopter Chris Columbus
as well as politician, lateral slurrer and amateur bricklayer
Winston Churchill. It is also the birthplace of Cristiano Ronaldo,
who plays football.
A woman, or man,
can maintain the Madeiran mini break for a modest £275 P P.
But, wanton wangers like us may well bust out some supplementary Benjamins.
This is one of the best shopping centres in Funchal.
It also contains our hotel.
You can buy a hotel here?
After that low energy comic misunderstanding,
we wallop into our wine-themed hotel.
Hello. Hello, welcome to The Vine.
It has a roof terrace with enough room for this elegant panning shot.
Floors that look like tiny roads.
And at least three other areas.
Yes, posh hotel room.
Nice bath for exhibitionists.
Nice view, very romantic.
I might write some poetry.
Probably won't.
My personal holding pen claims to evoke the secrecy and mystery
of the wine cellar.
Which is a creepy way of admitting that it lacks light.
I think they may have over-developed this plant.
To see how Madeira delivers the kind of thrills that keeps this bunch of
street toughs jacked, we hit the cobbles.
I just thought we could stand here and squint a while before we set off.
It is a classic Funchillian vista.
You know where the world's biggest New Year's Eve firework display is?
Is it Edinburgh? Right here on Funchal?
Close the fridge.
It's open and it is letting out cold facts right on your face.
Shall we get on the bus? OK.
And, because we hate to pick sides between maroon and cream,
we cop this crate...
There it is. Old Timer Tours. How exciting.
..in which we will curmudgeonly chug passed a crescent of
local landmarks in a mere matter of mins.
When you holiday, do you tend to hire your own minibus?
I normally get to the place where I am going on holiday and just stay
there. In the airport?
Yes. We're here now. That's right.
Come on, kids. Stop crying. Let's not waste money on accommodation.
That is why we brought the sleeping bags.
First, the Sao Lourenco palace,
home to the president of Madeira.
Look at that. Built between 1529 and 1540.
Let's have a look.
Oh, it is a beaut.
It is a good palace. It looks a bit like a Harvester's.
Harvesters don't usually have cannons.
You've not been to Peckham.
Shall we move on? Yeah.
There is a lot to get through in Funchal.
You know, of course, what Funchal means.
I don't know. Fennel plantation.
Fennel plantation?
That is a lot of syllables to get into Funchal.
They built this city, not on rock and roll, but on fennel.
Coming up to the farmers' market now.
The flower sellers are required by law to wear traditional costume.
No way. I don't know how many people have done porridge
for flouting that law.
And at last, the itsy islet of Pontinha,
where Madeira's founder Zarco first landed in 1419.
At the dawn of the second millennium, an art teacher bought it
and in an act of clear-mindedness,
subsequently declared himself both a Prince and
independent from Portugal.
I'd love to get into Pontinha but there is a flipping ongoing tax dispute.
That's the same reason we are not allowed into Jimmy Carr's house.
It's Brexit in microcosm.
Yes, but if anything, this is being handled in a more dignified fashion.
I think so.
Look, there's one of the feral cats on the red carpet. That's special.
I mean, this is a good place to lay down a folk-rock album.
Unable to source a decent flugelhorn,
we instead schlep off for sustenance
and if you want to masticate like a Madeiran,
you are going to want to double down on deep sea scabbard fish.
HR Diga's favourite fish dish is best consumed at this cliffside eatery,
accessible only by sea or cable descent.
Our destination is Faja dos Padres.
You've just made that up. I haven't.
Say it again. Faja dos Padres.
And again. Faja dos Padres.
I believe you now.
It's run by people who have very lazy consonant sounds,
my kind of people. OK.
Faja dos Padres.
It's all a bit verdant for my liking.
It's very verdant.
This superficially pleasant resort has its own microclimate,
hectares of locally sourced ingredients and a restaurant specifically
geared to the prep thereof.
I've pre-ordered. Right. Scabbard fish and banana.
We had barely sat before some dude mistakes us for sushiphiles.
Typical fish from Madeira.
So it's very special.
And it died eating itself.
Before battering the bottom feeder.
Verdict. I like fish, I like banana.
I like banana fish.
Do you know that this proud land has been unable to export its bananas...
..for a long time because of EU strangulations?
What was the EU's problem with the bananas?
Oh, they weren't big enough. Really?
Did you read that in a column written by Jeremy Clarkson?
Very good.
It tastes quite like cod.
It just goes to show that scary-looking animals...
Can be delicious. Maybe we should be eating more puma.
That would stick it to the EU as well.
I bet they've got something about conservation of pumas.
Exactly. Oh, let's not hunt the pumas to extinction.
Bloody curvy pumas not allowed, thank you.
Slap it on the barbie. Honestly.
How do you feel about the microclimate down here?
Enjoying it? I believe in microclimates.
I don't think they have just been made up in the last five years
and I'm really enjoying whatever this climate is.
Well, it's been an excellent meal.
Why don't I pretend to pay the bill and then we can move on. Right.
Excellent.
Unsettled by Webb's unprovoked attack on my bezzy Jezzy C
and his dubious for-the-cameras-only anti-Brexit stance,
I decide to re-route some of my rage into high velocity wicker.
Why are there so many Morris dancers standing around?
Well, they have all retrained to become toboggan jockeys.
Really? Yes. Hi, can we mount up?
OK, there we go.
Right. It doesn't seem very stable, does it? Not really.
I've got to say I don't love this.
This is not what you want to do if you are a control freak, for sure.
No, we are very much in the hands of these burly men.
Yes.
OK. Oh, that was close.
That was interesting. That was very close to that drain.
You do know what you are doing, lads, don't you?
For 2km from the town of Monte down to Funchal,
we literally slide along the road in a greased basket.
I think I've achieved most of the things I have wanted to in life,
so I mean if I were to die today...
So that was a junction with cars on it.
Yeah. Fine.
We're heading for the sea.
Yes, there's a ramp and you go straight on to a Saga cruise ship.
Aargh!
I feel they are doing that just to test us.
They certainly know what they are doing.
It's all very different. Oh, the toboggan!
Our voices now at full Partridge, we skid to a halt.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Heck of a ride. Heck of a ride.
That's the fastest I've gone in wicker.
Our urge to see a massive statue of Madeira's most famous son spreading
his huge thighs can be brooked no longer.
Who is it? Cristiano Ronaldo.
Named after Ronald Reagan, who was his father's favourite actor.
Imagine if Ronald Reagan was your favourite actor
and you had seen others act.
I don't think he is even Ronald Reagan's favourite actor.
And he's a very good at football I gather.
Yes, the best. As good as Bryan Robson or ones that I've heard of?
I think he's up there. He's up there, right.
Cristiano Ronaldo. That's right. Mm-hm. Yep.
No, it is funny.
How long should we give this pilgrimage?
I think we've given it a ruddy good go. Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you for your football.
Well done. Thank you for what you've done for hair products.
With eve tight on our tails, we strut out into the life of night.
There's a glut of grog at former grocer's Taberna de Poncha.
This joint has been serving its beverage namesake
for the last 70 years to people who want to alter their brain chemistry fast.
Hello. Hello.
Dos ponchas, poor favor.
Dos ponchas.
Peanut?
Thanks. You are welcome just to throw the shell on the floor.
That's what they do here.
Poncha is an ill-advised mix of citrus juice...
That was quite liberating. ..Honey....
It also makes me feel quite butch to be able to go
like that. Quite nice.
..and the rum-like aguardiente de cana.
There's a real theatre to it, isn't there? There is.
Oh, blimey.
That was something.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
That's bloody competitive. Competitively priced.
They've given me back more than I gave her!
Right, cheers. To better times.
Gosh. You can taste the savings.
It knows who it is. Yeah.
That kind of paraffin fuel.
Yeah.
A lot of fishermen used to drink this in the 18th century.
Before they invented... Nicer things to drink.
It's a sort of liquid Fishermen's Friend.
Yes.
As this destabilising decongestant takes effect,
day one dribbles to its due demise.
Tomorrow brings with it the triple prongs of slow service...
Thank goodness the scones have arrived.
I can relax. Good.
..competitive walking...
There are some pretty spry pensioners on this
particular stretch.
The ones who have just lapped us? Yes.
..and hellish handicrafts.
You see, normally I'm just patching cords
and I don't mind if they look bad.
You rejoin Robert Webb and I - fact, enter Richard Ayoade -
midway through our subtropical two-hander.
I love it in Funchal. They can't do enough for you.
Thus far, we have seen the terrors of gravity...
Aargh!
..and, briefly, turned into silhouettes.
I've ploughed through it. I've got no class.
Chased by some of the fastest-moving clouds
this broadcaster has ever seen, we flee Funchal
for the distressingly verdant Ribeiro de Frio,
13 miles north of the capital.
This is purportedly the world's most visited trout farm.
Really? Yeah. I think the second most visited trout farm
only has one person in it currently.
And they've got teeth on the rooves of their mouth.
On the rooves? On the rooves.
On the roofs! On the rooves?
On their mouth roofs? Yeah.
After an hour,
we call the whole thing off and head off on a hike,
following one of my favourite Madeiran irrigation systems,
the Levadas.
Started in the 1400s.
They finished the last one about 70 years ago.
Right. Unesco World Heritage site.
Is it? It is.
Largest laurel forest in the world. Another world-beater? Another.
I mean, it's just racking up. Winners here.
Ah, stats.
After 12 minutes of brutally angry silence...
Do you know what? I'm getting so into this walking that
any minute now, I think I'm going to take my hands out of my pockets?
..we stop to self refresh with some Madeiran plonk.
You know, George Washington apparently drank
a pint of this a day. Did he? Yeah.
Just all in one go, or just over the course of the day?
I don't know. Maybe just before bath-time.
I mean, there probably are people who don't drink fortified wine
in the middle of the day, but they're not expert walkers like us.
No. They don't know anything about aerobic exercise. No.
The rapidly ripening fruit in front of us has a hubristic moniker -
delicious fruit.
I don't know how widespread the delicious fruit is,
but I've not seen it in Tesco's.
It certainly smells of the farm that I used to play on as a child
next door to our house. Yeah.
It looks like something that David Cronenberg might include in a film.
Mm!
Wow! Well, it's sort of like if a pineapple had had a really bad day.
And that stinging sensation,
at the back of the throat, that's part of its charm.
What's interesting is I've been chewing it for some time...
It doesn't want to yield. I'll just wash it down,
with some wine. Oh!
Crumbs! That feels like it would burn easily. Oh!
You know, this wine can last up to 200 years,
which for me is a bad sign.
How old is this one so far?
I think Kenny Rogers was still relevant when this was made.
I'm done with that. I'm done with this. Yes.
Shall we move on? I think we're ready for more hiking now.
We vainly attempt to metabolise our indigestible intake
by power walking for an additional almost half mile.
Oh, now then.
Visibly shattered, we stand proud at the Ribeira da Metade.
Remaining viewers will be unsurprised to find us overwhelmed
with oceanic feelings.
Yeah, I mean, it's...
It's high up.
It's impressive. Yep. I mean, it's like something off the telly.
And if this makes the edit, it literally will be on the telly.
Even better. So shall we exit shot?
OK, let's exit shot.
Back in the big smoke, we head to the old town,
where this 15th century street has been transformed
into an open-air gallery to rival any community mural.
This is very evocative.
It's like Eddie Large, but thinner, and a woman.
He's a very attractive man, in a way, Eddie Large.
Deceptively so. Yeah, yeah, well.
Over 200 doors on Rua Santa Maria...
It puts the "fun" back into Funchal.
..have been duly daubed by local artists
since 2011.
Door art about door art, isn't it? It's already quite meta.
I don't know how long to give it. I think we've been more than fair.
Look at this. Katy Perry, and a young Ron Wood.
Why is he down there?
We don't know. What's she standing on that's so firm?
You want to know more about them, though,
and I think that's what true art does. Do you?
Yes, I do. OK.
We've reached a dangerous deadlock.
Unless we take it to its inevitably physical outworking,
we must distract our digits.
How's your needlecraft?
Pretty, erm, pretty rusty, actually. Is it? Yeah. Well, let's hone it.
Madeira's embroidery scene is strong.
Here at the world-renowned Bordal, cats work from over 40,000 designs,
preserving a tradition that's well old.
We're walking quite fast. Yes.
Hello. Hello. Welcome to Bordal. Thank you very much for having us.
Thanks for having us.
We join a 90-min workshop led by the fiery fingers of Felice Bella,
and it's scarcely a few secs
before we're at the business end of perforation.
This could be a real...
Action sequence. But in the hands of a visionary like John Woo...
This is sort of the embroidery version of Face/Off.
I think it's OK, for now. Yeah, I mean, it's definitely OK.
It's no more than that.
Second course.
From the look of her hands, I ought to remove my white jacket.
If you're taking your jacket off, I'm going to take my jacket off too.
Yeah, let's both jacket-off.
With alarming alacrity, we employ dye to stencil a pattern
onto what will become a couple of kerchiefs. Right, there's Merrick.
Yes. I think I'm going to drop off. You and everyone else watching this.
Then Felice Bella decides to drop the nice guy act
and get ruddy real.
Now we do the ponta da corda.
OK, so this is just a classic backstitch,
the kind of backstitch that... Oh, now I know where I am.
..that you might use for stitching on your name tags to your shirts.
Do you know what? I don't actually nametag my clothes any more.
Really? Yeah. When did you stop doing that? Uni?
Er...
I think it was before uni. Really?
"I'm in sixth form now,
"I'm too busy listening to the new Suede record..." Yeah.
"..to care about identifying my garments."
Bernard Butler doesn't identify his garments.
Course he doesn't. Why would he?
After some highly flattering low angle shots...
Why is this so stressful?
..Felice, in an off-camera fury
that is now in the hands of Funchalian law-enforcement,
shames us into some shadow point.
I'm starting to sweat.
Oh! Come on, you...
Come on.
You've got to get annoyed with her, haven't you?
Is she on that machine cos she can't do this?
Better. Better.
Thank you. "Better," followed by an undermining laugh.
Having mastered the craft...
Very nice, Robert. And yours is... Yes, it is very nice. Thank you.
..our dominance is documented.
Yes, certificate! We have here the certificate.
Brilliant, thank you.
Erm... It's stamped, it's dated, it's on good quality paper. Yeah.
It's not laminated. Thank you. Thanks very much. OK.
Heck of an operation you've got here.
To celebrate,
the very water droplets in the air reflect, refract and disperse
in a semi-circular multicolour light form.
This is a relief. Reid's Hotel.
40% of the guests are British.
We're going to feel at home, much like Roger Moore did,
when he stayed here. Did he?
Winston Churchill, a significant UK-based politician,
wrote his memoirs in this 19th-century hotel.
Now we join this bunch of stone-faced killers
for scones and cheers.
Hello, good afternoon. Good afternoon. Thank you.
Thank you, enjoy. Thank you very much. Splendid.
I can really imagine Roger Moore enjoying and appreciating this.
Oh, yes.
Trying to claim back this against tax.
Roger, your tanning consultant has just arrived. Oh...
Good.
?60 for tea for two takes the crippling cost
of our Madeira mini-break to?813 each!
All we can do now is redact.
What did we do? What about the walk?
The walk, the walk. The walk. The walk.
I mean, who could forget the walk? There was the walk with a taste...
Well, I felt you just did.
I sort of had. Yeah.
It was good. There was the, erm...
What else did we do?
You literally can't remember anything else? I can't remember...
I've been drinking a lot. That is true.
We went in the bus.
That was great, actually.
I appreciated that the facts were thick on the ground,
and you were just licking them up. Thank you.
You're more than welcome, for that opportunity, for fact lick.
Yeah. And then, erm, there was the, er...
Cable car! Yes, we went on a cable car down to...
Have you just been blocking this entire thing out?
Well... And will you book to come back soon?
Or leave it to retirement like everyone else?
I don't think I'll book to come back soon.
I think I'm just going to stay here.
I've got scones, I've got my embroidery to finish.
I'm happy, if you're... Good.
If we've done enough, erm, whimsical travelogue. It sounds very good.
Fork you a scone? Please.
Next, a 48-hour cri de coeur on the Cote d'Azur, with Shazia Mirza.
We're very close. I'm very unhappy about it.