1
00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:08,120
To mini break is to fling one's
fragile form into a fog of folly.

2
00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:11,199
How can a cat keep from
flipping its lid

3
00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:12,639
and blowing his bundle?

4
00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:15,079
But do not let furies cry,
chafe, or cheat.

5
00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:17,599
For I, lad's lad, Richard Ayoade,

6
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:21,439
am here to get your short-haul
ship to shore.

7
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:23,879
Lassoed to a litany
of light entities,

8
00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:27,599
I am going to glibly guide
you through a global gambol.

9
00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:31,600
This, this, this is travel
without mercy.

10
00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:36,080
Tonight, 48 hours in what the kids
are calling subtropical Madeira,

11
00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:38,039
an autonomous region of Portugal.

12
00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:41,639
One mill tourists per an
dump down in this most Atlantic

13
00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:43,919
of pearls, to purloin its greenery,

14
00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:47,920
well warm weather and curvy yellow
seed-bearing structures.

15
00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:53,399
Joining me is person's person,
Robert Webb.

16
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:55,879
What is wrong with that?

17
00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:58,079
Together, we will handle
some handicraft...

18
00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:00,159
I'm starting to sweat.

19
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:02,239
..libate like legends...

20
00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:04,719
It's got that sort of,
vino's afterburn.

21
00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:06,959
..and scintillate with similes.

22
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,919
I mean, it is like something off
the telly.

23
00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:12,879
We're here, but should we have come?

24
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:16,880
Yes!

25
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:22,759
A four-hour haul from London
leaves us 499 K M

26
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:24,879
from the coast of Africa.

27
00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:28,880
Well, Robert. Here we are in
Funchal, the capital of Madeira.

28
00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:32,799
Basically underscored by the trundle
of our own carry-ons.

29
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:35,039
What did people do before
wheelie luggage?

30
00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:37,599
I suppose it was a quieter
but more muscly time.

31
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:40,959
Yes. But, Richard, why have you
brought me here to Madeira?

32
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:44,960
I am about to tell you. Oh, good.

33
00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:50,160
Madeira was both founded and claimed
in 1419 by the Portuguese.

34
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:54,119
It is best known for its fortified
wine and deeply dense cake.

35
00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:57,079
Madeira is roughly the same size as
Scarborough, and like Scarborough,

36
00:01:57,080 --> 00:02:00,239
Madeira enjoys considerable
independence from Portugal

37
00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:03,399
and is a semi-tropical island with
six distinct climate zones.

38
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:06,199
Also known as the island
of eternal spring,

39
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,719
previous visitors include transatlantic
early adopter Chris Columbus

40
00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:12,879
as well as politician, lateral
slurrer and amateur bricklayer

41
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:16,319
Winston Churchill. It is also the
birthplace of Cristiano Ronaldo,

42
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:19,919
who plays football.

43
00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:21,679
A woman, or man,

44
00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:25,439
can maintain the Madeiran mini break
for a modest £275 P P.

45
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:29,440
But, wanton wangers like us may well
bust out some supplementary Benjamins.

46
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:33,840
This is one of the best shopping
centres in Funchal.

47
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,999
It also contains our hotel.

48
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:40,000
You can buy a hotel here?

49
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:45,239
After that low energy comic
misunderstanding,

50
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,999
we wallop into
our wine-themed hotel.

51
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,159
Hello. Hello, welcome to The Vine.

52
00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:54,160
It has a roof terrace with enough
room for this elegant panning shot.

53
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:57,559
Floors that look like tiny roads.

54
00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:01,560
And at least three other areas.

55
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:05,760
Yes, posh hotel room.

56
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:11,199
Nice bath for exhibitionists.

57
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,399
Nice view, very romantic.

58
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:15,239
I might write some poetry.

59
00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:17,039
Probably won't.

60
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:20,399
My personal holding pen claims to
evoke the secrecy and mystery

61
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,839
of the wine cellar.

62
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:26,479
Which is a creepy way
of admitting that it lacks light.

63
00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:30,480
I think they may have over-developed
this plant.

64
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:37,079
To see how Madeira delivers the kind
of thrills that keeps this bunch of

65
00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:41,079
street toughs jacked,
we hit the cobbles.

66
00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:45,080
I just thought we could stand here and
squint a while before we set off.

67
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,079
It is a classic Funchillian vista.

68
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:51,319
You know where the world's biggest
New Year's Eve firework display is?

69
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,159
Is it Edinburgh?
Right here on Funchal?

70
00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:55,799
Close the fridge.

71
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:59,800
It's open and it is letting out
cold facts right on your face.

72
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:04,159
Shall we get on the bus? OK.

73
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:07,279
And, because we hate to pick
sides between maroon and cream,

74
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,639
we cop this crate...

75
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,199
There it is. Old Timer Tours.
How exciting.

76
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:14,479
..in which we will curmudgeonly chug
passed a crescent of

77
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:18,480
local landmarks in a mere matter
of mins.

78
00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,399
When you holiday, do you tend
to hire your own minibus?

79
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,399
I normally get to the place where I
am going on holiday and just stay

80
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,199
there. In the airport?

81
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,839
Yes. We're here now. That's right.

82
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,799
Come on, kids. Stop crying. Let's
not waste money on accommodation.

83
00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:35,559
That is why we brought
the sleeping bags.

84
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:37,079
First, the Sao Lourenco palace,

85
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,359
home to the president of Madeira.

86
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:42,039
Look at that.
Built between 1529 and 1540.

87
00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:45,239
Let's have a look.

88
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,239
Oh, it is a beaut.

89
00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:50,679
It is a good palace. It looks a bit
like a Harvester's.

90
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,319
Harvesters don't
usually have cannons.

91
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,719
You've not been to Peckham.

92
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:57,239
Shall we move on? Yeah.

93
00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:01,240
There is a lot to get through
in Funchal.

94
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,279
You know, of course,
what Funchal means.

95
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:09,479
I don't know. Fennel plantation.

96
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:11,119
Fennel plantation?

97
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:13,639
That is a lot of syllables
to get into Funchal.

98
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:17,640
They built this city, not on rock
and roll, but on fennel.

99
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:24,159
Coming up to the farmers'
market now.

100
00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:27,399
The flower sellers are required
by law to wear traditional costume.

101
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,719
No way. I don't know how many people
have done porridge

102
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,919
for flouting that law.

103
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:34,479
And at last, the itsy
islet of Pontinha,

104
00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:38,239
where Madeira's founder Zarco
first landed in 1419.

105
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:41,479
At the dawn of the second
millennium, an art teacher bought it

106
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,199
and in an act of clear-mindedness,

107
00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:45,719
subsequently declared himself
both a Prince and

108
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,319
independent from Portugal.

109
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:52,320
I'd love to get into Pontinha but there
is a flipping ongoing tax dispute.

110
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:56,360
That's the same reason we are not
allowed into Jimmy Carr's house.

111
00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:00,039
It's Brexit in microcosm.

112
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,959
Yes, but if anything, this is being
handled in a more dignified fashion.

113
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,759
I think so.

114
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:08,079
Look, there's one of the feral cats
on the red carpet. That's special.

115
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:12,080
I mean, this is a good place
to lay down a folk-rock album.

116
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:16,079
Unable to source
a decent flugelhorn,

117
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,159
we instead schlep off for sustenance

118
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,919
and if you want to masticate
like a Madeiran,

119
00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:24,719
you are going to want to double
down on deep sea scabbard fish.

120
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:28,720
HR Diga's favourite fish dish is best
consumed at this cliffside eatery,

121
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:33,200
accessible only by sea
or cable descent.

122
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,559
Our destination is Faja dos Padres.

123
00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:38,079
You've just made that up. I haven't.

124
00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:39,439
Say it again. Faja dos Padres.

125
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,319
And again. Faja dos Padres.

126
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:42,759
I believe you now.

127
00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:46,760
It's run by people who have
very lazy consonant sounds,

128
00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:48,719
my kind of people. OK.

129
00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:50,079
Faja dos Padres.

130
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:54,080
Faja dos Padres.

131
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:58,559
It's all a bit verdant
for my liking.

132
00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,359
It's very verdant.

133
00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:04,759
This superficially pleasant resort
has its own microclimate,

134
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:08,479
hectares of locally sourced ingredients
and a restaurant specifically

135
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:10,079
geared to the prep thereof.

136
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:14,080
I've pre-ordered. Right.
Scabbard fish and banana.

137
00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:18,759
We had barely sat before some dude
mistakes us for sushiphiles.

138
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,279
Typical fish from Madeira.

139
00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:21,919
So it's very special.

140
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:24,079
And it died eating itself.

141
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:28,080
Before battering the bottom feeder.

142
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:33,679
Verdict. I like fish, I like banana.

143
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,279
I like banana fish.

144
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:39,280
Do you know that this proud land has
been unable to export its bananas...

145
00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:46,159
..for a long time because
of EU strangulations?

146
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:48,759
What was the EU's problem
with the bananas?

147
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,439
Oh, they weren't big enough. Really?

148
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,399
Did you read that in a column
written by Jeremy Clarkson?

149
00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:55,479
Very good.

150
00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:57,999
It tastes quite like cod.

151
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,519
It just goes to show that
scary-looking animals...

152
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:05,520
Can be delicious. Maybe we should be
eating more puma.

153
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,199
That would stick it to the EU
as well.

154
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:10,679
I bet they've got something about
conservation of pumas.

155
00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:13,199
Exactly. Oh, let's not hunt the
pumas to extinction.

156
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,639
Bloody curvy pumas not allowed,
thank you.

157
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:18,759
Slap it on the barbie. Honestly.

158
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:21,199
How do you feel about the
microclimate down here?

159
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,359
Enjoying it? I believe in
microclimates.

160
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:26,359
I don't think they have just been
made up in the last five years

161
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:29,279
and I'm really enjoying
whatever this climate is.

162
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,479
Well, it's been an excellent meal.

163
00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:34,519
Why don't I pretend to pay the bill
and then we can move on. Right.

164
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:38,520
Excellent.

165
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:42,799
Unsettled by Webb's unprovoked
attack on my bezzy Jezzy C

166
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:46,319
and his dubious for-the-cameras-only
anti-Brexit stance,

167
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:50,320
I decide to re-route some of my rage
into high velocity wicker.

168
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,639
Why are there so many Morris dancers
standing around?

169
00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:57,640
Well, they have all retrained
to become toboggan jockeys.

170
00:08:57,680 --> 00:09:01,680
Really? Yes. Hi, can we mount up?

171
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:05,719
OK, there we go.

172
00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:09,720
Right. It doesn't seem very stable,
does it? Not really.

173
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:14,240
I've got to say I don't love this.

174
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:17,999
This is not what you want to do if
you are a control freak, for sure.

175
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:21,319
No, we are very much in the hands
of these burly men.

176
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:22,759
Yes.

177
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:25,599
OK. Oh, that was close.

178
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:28,679
That was interesting. That was very
close to that drain.

179
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:31,439
You do know what you are doing,
lads, don't you?

180
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:34,159
For 2km from the town
of Monte down to Funchal,

181
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:37,399
we literally slide along the road
in a greased basket.

182
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:40,639
I think I've achieved most of the
things I have wanted to in life,

183
00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:44,640
so I mean if I were to die today...

184
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,559
So that was a junction with cars on
it.

185
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:49,879
Yeah. Fine.

186
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,599
We're heading for the sea.

187
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:55,600
Yes, there's a ramp and you go
straight on to a Saga cruise ship.

188
00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:57,639
Aargh!

189
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,719
I feel they are doing that just to
test us.

190
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,839
They certainly know what they are
doing.

191
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:05,840
It's all very different.
Oh, the toboggan!

192
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:09,959
Our voices now at full Partridge,
we skid to a halt.

193
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:13,639
Thank you. Thank you very much.

194
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:17,039
Heck of a ride. Heck of a ride.

195
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:21,040
That's the fastest
I've gone in wicker.

196
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:27,399
Our urge to see a massive statue of
Madeira's most famous son spreading

197
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,359
his huge thighs can be
brooked no longer.

198
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:34,360
Who is it? Cristiano Ronaldo.

199
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:38,359
Named after Ronald Reagan, who was
his father's favourite actor.

200
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:41,039
Imagine if Ronald Reagan
was your favourite actor

201
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:43,159
and you had seen others act.

202
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:47,160
I don't think he is even Ronald
Reagan's favourite actor.

203
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,359
And he's a very good at football
I gather.

204
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:52,519
Yes, the best. As good as Bryan
Robson or ones that I've heard of?

205
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:55,079
I think he's up there.
He's up there, right.

206
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,760
Cristiano Ronaldo.
That's right. Mm-hm. Yep.

207
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,439
No, it is funny.

208
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,399
How long should we
give this pilgrimage?

209
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:09,279
I think we've given it
a ruddy good go. Yeah. Yeah.

210
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,599
Thank you for your football.

211
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:15,600
Well done. Thank you for what you've
done for hair products.

212
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:21,200
With eve tight on our tails, we
strut out into the life of night.

213
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:27,719
There's a glut of grog at former
grocer's Taberna de Poncha.

214
00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:30,959
This joint has been serving
its beverage namesake

215
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:34,960
for the last 70 years to people who want
to alter their brain chemistry fast.

216
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:38,359
Hello. Hello.

217
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:40,599
Dos ponchas, poor favor.

218
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:43,879
Dos ponchas.

219
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,159
Peanut?

220
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:47,599
Thanks. You are welcome just to
throw the shell on the floor.

221
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,279
That's what they do here.

222
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:53,279
Poncha is an ill-advised mix
of citrus juice...

223
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,559
That was quite liberating.
..Honey....

224
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:57,479
It also makes me feel quite butch
to be able to go

225
00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:01,159
like that. Quite nice.

226
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:05,160
..and the rum-like
aguardiente de cana.

227
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,159
There's a real theatre to it,
isn't there? There is.

228
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:11,719
Oh, blimey.

229
00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:15,720
That was something.

230
00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:21,280
Thank you. Thank you very much.

231
00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:24,159
That's bloody competitive.
Competitively priced.

232
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,519
They've given me back more than
I gave her!

233
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:31,520
Right, cheers. To better times.

234
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:38,159
Gosh. You can taste the savings.

235
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,399
It knows who it is. Yeah.

236
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:41,719
That kind of paraffin fuel.

237
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,359
Yeah.

238
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:48,360
A lot of fishermen used to drink
this in the 18th century.

239
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:51,159
Before they invented...
Nicer things to drink.

240
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:54,519
It's a sort of liquid
Fishermen's Friend.

241
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:57,039
Yes.

242
00:12:57,040 --> 00:13:00,199
As this destabilising decongestant
takes effect,

243
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:04,200
day one dribbles to its due demise.

244
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,639
Tomorrow brings with it the triple
prongs of slow service...

245
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,519
Thank goodness the scones
have arrived.

246
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:12,119
I can relax. Good.

247
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:13,839
..competitive walking...

248
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:15,919
There are some pretty spry
pensioners on this

249
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:16,959
particular stretch.

250
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,079
The ones who have just lapped us?
Yes.

251
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,919
..and hellish handicrafts.

252
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,799
You see, normally I'm just
patching cords

253
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:29,000
and I don't mind if they look bad.

254
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:37,319
You rejoin Robert Webb and I -
fact, enter Richard Ayoade -

255
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:40,079
midway through our
subtropical two-hander.

256
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:43,839
I love it in Funchal.
They can't do enough for you.

257
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,759
Thus far, we have seen
the terrors of gravity...

258
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,439
Aargh!

259
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:51,199
..and, briefly,
turned into silhouettes.

260
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:55,199
I've ploughed through it.
I've got no class.

261
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,359
Chased by some of the
fastest-moving clouds

262
00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:00,559
this broadcaster has ever seen,
we flee Funchal

263
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,999
for the distressingly verdant
Ribeiro de Frio,

264
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,239
13 miles north of the capital.

265
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:09,839
This is purportedly the world's
most visited trout farm.

266
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:13,840
Really? Yeah. I think the second
most visited trout farm

267
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:16,279
only has one person in it currently.

268
00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:18,399
And they've got teeth on the rooves
of their mouth.

269
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,159
On the rooves? On the rooves.

270
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,919
On the roofs! On the rooves?

271
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:25,920
On their mouth roofs? Yeah.

272
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,079
After an hour,

273
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,879
we call the whole thing off
and head off on a hike,

274
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:32,719
following one of my favourite
Madeiran irrigation systems,

275
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,919
the Levadas.

276
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:37,799
Started in the 1400s.

277
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:40,599
They finished the last one
about 70 years ago.

278
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,799
Right. Unesco World Heritage site.

279
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:45,159
Is it? It is.

280
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:48,679
Largest laurel forest in the world.
Another world-beater? Another.

281
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:52,599
I mean, it's just racking up.
Winners here.

282
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:56,600
Ah, stats.

283
00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:59,799
After 12 minutes of brutally
angry silence...

284
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:02,039
Do you know what? I'm getting
so into this walking that

285
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:04,759
any minute now, I think I'm going to
take my hands out of my pockets?

286
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:07,799
..we stop to self refresh
with some Madeiran plonk.

287
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,919
You know, George Washington
apparently drank

288
00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:12,199
a pint of this a day. Did he? Yeah.

289
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,599
Just all in one go,
or just over the course of the day?

290
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:17,599
I don't know.
Maybe just before bath-time.

291
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,279
I mean, there probably are people
who don't drink fortified wine

292
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:23,679
in the middle of the day, but
they're not expert walkers like us.

293
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:27,639
No. They don't know anything
about aerobic exercise. No.

294
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:31,479
The rapidly ripening fruit in front
of us has a hubristic moniker -

295
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:32,679
delicious fruit.

296
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:35,399
I don't know how widespread
the delicious fruit is,

297
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:36,999
but I've not seen it in Tesco's.

298
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,439
It certainly smells of the farm
that I used to play on as a child

299
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:41,919
next door to our house. Yeah.

300
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:45,920
It looks like something that David
Cronenberg might include in a film.

301
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,999
Mm!

302
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:54,000
Wow! Well, it's sort of like if a
pineapple had had a really bad day.

303
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:57,679
And that stinging sensation,

304
00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:01,680
at the back of the throat,
that's part of its charm.

305
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:05,999
What's interesting is I've been
chewing it for some time...

306
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:09,399
It doesn't want to yield.
I'll just wash it down,

307
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:12,999
with some wine. Oh!

308
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:17,000
Crumbs! That feels like
it would burn easily. Oh!

309
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:21,239
You know, this wine
can last up to 200 years,

310
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,399
which for me is a bad sign.

311
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,479
How old is this one so far?

312
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,999
I think Kenny Rogers was still
relevant when this was made.

313
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,279
I'm done with that.
I'm done with this. Yes.

314
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:34,799
Shall we move on? I think
we're ready for more hiking now.

315
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:38,399
We vainly attempt to metabolise
our indigestible intake

316
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:41,519
by power walking for an additional
almost half mile.

317
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,479
Oh, now then.

318
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:46,959
Visibly shattered, we stand proud
at the Ribeira da Metade.

319
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:50,199
Remaining viewers will be
unsurprised to find us overwhelmed

320
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,039
with oceanic feelings.

321
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:53,279
Yeah, I mean, it's...

322
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:57,079
It's high up.

323
00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:59,799
It's impressive. Yep. I mean,
it's like something off the telly.

324
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,239
And if this makes the edit,
it literally will be on the telly.

325
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,679
Even better. So shall we exit shot?

326
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:09,680
OK, let's exit shot.

327
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,559
Back in the big smoke,
we head to the old town,

328
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:17,479
where this 15th century street
has been transformed

329
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:21,480
into an open-air gallery
to rival any community mural.

330
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,479
This is very evocative.

331
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:28,039
It's like Eddie Large, but thinner,
and a woman.

332
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:30,279
He's a very attractive man,
in a way, Eddie Large.

333
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:32,919
Deceptively so. Yeah, yeah, well.

334
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:35,559
Over 200 doors on Rua Santa Maria...

335
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:37,639
It puts the "fun" back into Funchal.

336
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:41,319
..have been duly daubed
by local artists

337
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:42,999
since 2011.

338
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:46,399
Door art about door art, isn't it?
It's already quite meta.

339
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:50,400
I don't know how long to give it.
I think we've been more than fair.

340
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:55,239
Look at this. Katy Perry,
and a young Ron Wood.

341
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,479
Why is he down there?

342
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:59,199
We don't know. What's she
standing on that's so firm?

343
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:01,079
You want to know more about them,
though,

344
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:05,080
and I think that's what
true art does. Do you?

345
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:08,199
Yes, I do. OK.

346
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:09,999
We've reached a dangerous deadlock.

347
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,159
Unless we take it to its inevitably
physical outworking,

348
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,439
we must distract our digits.

349
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,879
How's your needlecraft?

350
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:21,880
Pretty, erm, pretty rusty, actually.
Is it? Yeah. Well, let's hone it.

351
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,959
Madeira's embroidery scene
is strong.

352
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:28,960
Here at the world-renowned Bordal,
cats work from over 40,000 designs,

353
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,759
preserving a tradition that's
well old.

354
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:35,439
We're walking quite fast. Yes.

355
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:38,759
Hello. Hello. Welcome to Bordal.
Thank you very much for having us.

356
00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:39,879
Thanks for having us.

357
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:43,880
We join a 90-min workshop led by
the fiery fingers of Felice Bella,

358
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:46,319
and it's scarcely a few secs

359
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:48,879
before we're at the business end
of perforation.

360
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,759
This could be a real...

361
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:54,760
Action sequence. But in the hands
of a visionary like John Woo...

362
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,960
This is sort of the
embroidery version of Face/Off.

363
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:03,999
I think it's OK, for now.
Yeah, I mean, it's definitely OK.

364
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,919
It's no more than that.

365
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:08,159
Second course.

366
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,639
From the look of her hands,
I ought to remove my white jacket.

367
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:15,359
If you're taking your jacket off,
I'm going to take my jacket off too.

368
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:19,360
Yeah, let's both jacket-off.

369
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:24,079
With alarming alacrity,
we employ dye to stencil a pattern

370
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:28,039
onto what will become a couple of
kerchiefs. Right, there's Merrick.

371
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:32,040
Yes. I think I'm going to drop off.
You and everyone else watching this.

372
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,519
Then Felice Bella decides
to drop the nice guy act

373
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,359
and get ruddy real.

374
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:40,479
Now we do the ponta da corda.

375
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:43,639
OK, so this is just
a classic backstitch,

376
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:45,999
the kind of backstitch that...
Oh, now I know where I am.

377
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,239
..that you might use for stitching
on your name tags to your shirts.

378
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:52,399
Do you know what? I don't actually
nametag my clothes any more.

379
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,199
Really? Yeah.
When did you stop doing that? Uni?

380
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:57,399
Er...

381
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,879
I think it was before uni. Really?

382
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:01,079
"I'm in sixth form now,

383
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:04,039
"I'm too busy listening to the
new Suede record..." Yeah.

384
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,519
"..to care about identifying
my garments."

385
00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:09,879
Bernard Butler doesn't identify
his garments.

386
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:13,439
Course he doesn't. Why would he?

387
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:17,440
After some highly flattering
low angle shots...

388
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,639
Why is this so stressful?

389
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:21,239
..Felice, in an off-camera fury

390
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:24,079
that is now in the hands of
Funchalian law-enforcement,

391
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:26,199
shames us into some shadow point.

392
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,639
I'm starting to sweat.

393
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:31,640
Oh! Come on, you...

394
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:37,759
Come on.

395
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:40,079
You've got to get annoyed with her,
haven't you?

396
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:44,080
Is she on that machine
cos she can't do this?

397
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:47,479
Better. Better.

398
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:51,480
Thank you. "Better,"
followed by an undermining laugh.

399
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,319
Having mastered the craft...

400
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:57,320
Very nice, Robert. And yours is...
Yes, it is very nice. Thank you.

401
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:00,279
..our dominance is documented.

402
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:03,519
Yes, certificate!
We have here the certificate.

403
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:05,039
Brilliant, thank you.

404
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,759
Erm... It's stamped, it's dated,
it's on good quality paper. Yeah.

405
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:12,760
It's not laminated. Thank you.
Thanks very much. OK.

406
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:18,559
Heck of an operation
you've got here.

407
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:19,639
To celebrate,

408
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:23,159
the very water droplets in the air
reflect, refract and disperse

409
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:26,919
in a semi-circular multicolour
light form.

410
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,239
This is a relief. Reid's Hotel.

411
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:31,279
40% of the guests are British.

412
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:33,559
We're going to feel at home,
much like Roger Moore did,

413
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:36,679
when he stayed here. Did he?

414
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:39,999
Winston Churchill, a significant
UK-based politician,

415
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,000
wrote his memoirs in this
19th-century hotel.

416
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:46,879
Now we join this bunch of
stone-faced killers

417
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:48,199
for scones and cheers.

418
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,839
Hello, good afternoon.
Good afternoon. Thank you.

419
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,039
Thank you, enjoy.
Thank you very much. Splendid.

420
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:55,839
I can really imagine Roger Moore
enjoying and appreciating this.

421
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:57,239
Oh, yes.

422
00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:59,879
Trying to claim back
this against tax.

423
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:03,880
Roger, your tanning consultant
has just arrived. Oh...

424
00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:05,959
Good.

425
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:09,359
?60 for tea for two
takes the crippling cost

426
00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:12,919
of our Madeira mini-break
to?813 each!

427
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,799
All we can do now is redact.

428
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:17,719
What did we do? What about the walk?

429
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:20,359
The walk, the walk.
The walk. The walk.

430
00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:23,079
I mean, who could forget the walk?
There was the walk with a taste...

431
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,919
Well, I felt you just did.

432
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:26,639
I sort of had. Yeah.

433
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,959
It was good. There was the, erm...

434
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,519
What else did we do?

435
00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:33,239
You literally can't remember
anything else? I can't remember...

436
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,919
I've been drinking a lot.
That is true.

437
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,359
We went in the bus.

438
00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:39,479
That was great, actually.

439
00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:41,759
I appreciated that the facts
were thick on the ground,

440
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,639
and you were just licking them up.
Thank you.

441
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:46,359
You're more than welcome,
for that opportunity, for fact lick.

442
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:50,360
Yeah. And then, erm,
there was the, er...

443
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:54,519
Cable car! Yes, we went on
a cable car down to...

444
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:57,079
Have you just been blocking
this entire thing out?

445
00:22:57,080 --> 00:23:00,759
Well... And will you book
to come back soon?

446
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,639
Or leave it to retirement
like everyone else?

447
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:04,319
I don't think I'll book
to come back soon.

448
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:05,799
I think I'm just going to stay here.

449
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:09,359
I've got scones, I've got
my embroidery to finish.

450
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:11,279
I'm happy, if you're... Good.

451
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:14,599
If we've done enough, erm, whimsical
travelogue. It sounds very good.

452
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:16,639
Fork you a scone? Please.

453
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:20,640
Next, a 48-hour cri de coeur on
the Cote d'Azur, with Shazia Mirza.

454
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:26,720
We're very close.
I'm very unhappy about it.