1
00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:06,999
To mini-break is to fling one's
fragile form into a fog of folly.

2
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:10,039
How in Kent can a cat
keep from flipping his lid

3
00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:11,639
and blowing his bundle?

4
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:14,519
But do not let fury's cry
chafe your cheeks,

5
00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:17,599
for I, everyone's favourite
everyman, aka Richard Ayoade,

6
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:20,399
am here to get your short-haul ship
to shore.

7
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:23,159
Lassoed to a litany of light-ent
entities,

8
00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:27,160
I'm going to glibly guide you
through a global gambol.

9
00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:31,240
This, this,
this is travel without mercy.

10
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:34,319
Tonight, we double
down on the Cote d'Azur,

11
00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:37,119
flip-flopping from Nice to Monaco.

12
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:41,120
11-mill persons per annum
parade on this sun-strafed shore,

13
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,279
lured by the questionable
prospect of levity.

14
00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:47,279
Joining me to show that travel
isn't just about enjoyment

15
00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:50,079
is comedian and prominent
Midlander, Shazia Mirza.

16
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,119
Yes! We're very close, Richard.

17
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:53,839
I'm very unhappy about it.

18
00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:56,479
Together, we will command
the highways...

19
00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:59,119
14km an hour is
a perfectly-acceptable speed. What?!

20
00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:00,959
..convert nouns into verbs...

21
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:04,719
Look at him, with his big yacht,
yachting over us.

22
00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:07,079
..and waz our wads at the wheel.

23
00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,079
Calm down, Shirley Valentine.

24
00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:11,079
We're here, but should we have come?

25
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:12,479
We'll soon find out.

26
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:16,480
That sounded ominous.

27
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,679
Two hours by wing sees us
on the shores of Nice,

28
00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:28,680
the common-law capital
of the Cote d'Azur.

29
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,559
I'm finding it very difficult
to keep the shape of this hat.

30
00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:35,239
It looks very good. That's very kind of
you, but it's completely ungoverned.

31
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:37,399
I think I may have to send it
back for moulding.

32
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,519
It's perfect for this area.

33
00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:42,559
But, anyway, why have you brought me
to the Cote d'Azur?

34
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:46,560
We're literally about to cut
to an explanatory montage.

35
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:51,639
The Cote d'Azur, or Blue Coast,
was so named in 1887 by some dude

36
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:54,959
and takes in the tranche of turf from
the Rhone River to the Italian coast.

37
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,319
We're talking St to the Tropez,
Cannes, Nice

38
00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,639
and Mon to the A to the Co.

39
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:02,559
This sought-after strip has
a pop of approx 4.5 mill,

40
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:05,839
who wantonly withstand
300 days of rays a year.

41
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:09,759
The bods who've dumped down in this district
include the Medieval Russell Grant - Nostradamus,

42
00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:13,119
a passel of painters eg
Cezanne and your boy Matisse,

43
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:14,879
a tank of tax-shy Formula 1 types

44
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:18,880
and high-profile xenophobe
Brigitte Bardot.

45
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:26,680
With a whole region through which
to wang, we wangle some wheels.

46
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:29,879
Is it Nice car or nice car?
As you prefer. OK.

47
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:33,880
We play with the word "nice".
It's lovely wordplay.

48
00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:39,840
Because I like to be patronised by
passing pedestrians, we hire a Nice car.

49
00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:43,199
Little did I know it came
with an invisible whoop generator.

50
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,559
Whoo! Whoo! Come on!

51
00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:49,079
Is this your first time
in a powered vehicle?

52
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:51,479
Patrons can follow a set route
or roam free.

53
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:54,599
We opt for a deux-heures tour
around central Nice

54
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,759
and its immediate vicinity.

55
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:01,399
With our slow chug along
the promenade Anglais-stoking

56
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,439
the vapours of vehicular rage,

57
00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:05,599
Shazia seeks to reclaim
the narrative.

58
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:07,559
Bonjour!

59
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:09,639
We are seriously royalty.

60
00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:13,640
I think you're confusing royalty
with laughing stock.

61
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,479
We trundle towards Trompe-l'oeil,
La Chaise de Sab

62
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:21,480
and use the gratis Nicecar app to
get the automated word on the route

63
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,759
about what's en route.

64
00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:25,759
The 75-ton steel structure

65
00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:29,760
symbolises the nine valleys
forming the former county of Nice.

66
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:34,399
So that is the Nine Oblique Lines.

67
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:37,519
Oh, it sounds like
a Massive Attack album.

68
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,639
Another potentially-alienating
pop culture reference made,

69
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:41,919
we hobble into the hills.

70
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,519
I like it that it's very green
up here.

71
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,119
It is very green. And then
you've got the sea down there.

72
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:49,959
You've got the two colours
right next to one another.

73
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,719
I feel the natural beauty

74
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:55,720
of the South of France
really coming through now.

75
00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:58,519
I know I sound like
David Attenborough, don't I?

76
00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,719
Almost alarmingly so.

77
00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:04,720
That Blue Planet voiceover job
is yours.

78
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,959
Ooo! Great emergency stop there.
Little bit of overconfidence.

79
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:18,839
After my precision stop, we flop out
at the Fort du Mont Alban,

80
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,719
whence we can force a full vista of
Cap Ferrat

81
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,999
into our breeze-buffeted eyeballs.

82
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:27,199
Wow! Tax exemption, it is.

83
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,079
It's amazing. One day, I think
I'll own... The whole bay.

84
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,759
Me and Shirley Bassey will live
next door to each other.

85
00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:33,839
OK. We'll be neighbours.

86
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,839
Like some kind of episode of Bread.

87
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,199
Me, Elton John, Shirley Bassey.

88
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,519
Shall we go and see this more-or-less
intact 16th century garrison?

89
00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:43,399
Yes. Garrison of 50 men.

90
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:46,559
Well, it was built between 1556
and 1560, apparently.

91
00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:50,560
That's right. I don't think
there's a coffee shop here.

92
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:56,040
Actually, the entire back of the
fort has been repurposed as a Costa,

93
00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:58,999
so after a soothing cup of watery
Joe,

94
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:02,439
we feel sufficiently caffeinated
to plough on.

95
00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:05,279
Is this your regular
shopping experience?

96
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:07,679
I do like markets
when I'm on holiday

97
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,319
because you get things,
like, look, sausages...

98
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:13,879
Sure... jam... Yeah... cheese,
all in one area.

99
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,759
Have you been to a supermarket
before?

100
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:17,519
This is all out in the open.

101
00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:19,159
So, you don't like roofs?

102
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,959
We have come to sink some Soca.

103
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:25,960
Since 1925, this Nicoisian chickpea
pancake has been blasted out

104
00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:28,879
mere metres from the market,

105
00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:31,959
then pedalled under pain of death
to Tereasa's stall.

106
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,159
Here comes a young leaven
pancake man.

107
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,439
Oh, the pancake man. Yes.

108
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,519
Oh! Look at the size of
that pancake!

109
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:42,319
I don't think that's one.
I think they cut it up.

110
00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,839
Deux, s'il vous plait. Deux? Merci.

111
00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:47,199
I'm fluent. Tres bien, Richard.

112
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:50,359
Oh! Is that salt?
Just a little pepper on it.

113
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,159
Oh! Thank you. Yeah.

114
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,159
You are very good at doing this.
Yeah.

115
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:58,160
Thank you very much. Merci beaucoup. Au revoir.
Merci beaucoup, mademoiselle.

116
00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:02,199
Did your heart break a little bit when you
found out she wasn't putting Nutella on these?

117
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:05,399
Yes. I mean, I wanted honey, cream,
strawberries.

118
00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:07,279
Yeah, the basic snack items.

119
00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:08,599
Who puts pepper on a pancake?

120
00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:10,759
I mean, my blood sugar's basically
the same.

121
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:14,760
That's not what I want from a snack.

122
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:17,799
It's quite nice, actually.
It is quite nice, though. Mm!

123
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,759
It's good.
I can really taste the chickpeas.

124
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:23,760
Oh, that unleavened chickpea
is unmistakable.

125
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:27,639
Humbled by our hubris,
we decide to redeem ourselves

126
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,479
with the crutch of culture.

127
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,559
Can I draw your attention to that?

128
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:35,959
Thinking Inside The Box,
Sacha Sosno.

129
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,719
It did catch my eye, yes.

130
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:40,199
It stands 85-metres high.

131
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,799
It's very interesting. It's like a
rubix cube without the colours.

132
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:47,800
That's not the feedback he wants.

133
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:53,760
As two of the British Isle's
foremost time-tight aesthetes...

134
00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:56,519
Oh, my God!

135
00:06:56,520 --> 00:07:00,119
..we need to restrict the scope
of our parameters to one place,

136
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:03,439
one artist, and one distinct hue.

137
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:07,440
Am I missing something,
or is that just a blue square?

138
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:12,159
How dare you say that to this piece?

139
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,839
I mean, it is a blue square,
you can't deny that.

140
00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:18,199
I'm not sure
it's definitely a square.

141
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:22,079
Yves Klein became well famous for
the works rendered solely in the hue

142
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:24,399
known as International Klein Blue.

143
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:28,319
That's right, dude was IF for IKB.

144
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:31,199
Do you prefer that one?

145
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,399
The blue one... or the blue one?

146
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:36,479
Well, this is just a loose pigment.

147
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:37,919
You mustn't touch it, though.

148
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,919
If you let one rip,
this could be onto the deck.

149
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,279
I'm not saying you would.

150
00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:44,999
It looks like the Queen's carpet.

151
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,559
Klein took a shade close to
lapis lazuli

152
00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:51,560
and mixed it with a resin to create
a bluer than blue blue.

153
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:54,759
What happened?

154
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:58,760
Three women daubed with paint,
applied to the chest area,

155
00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:01,999
the stomach and the buttocks,
made this.

156
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:03,879
What, and dragged across the canvas?

157
00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,279
I think they self-propelled.

158
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:07,959
There's a lot of action in this bit.

159
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,439
What happened there?

160
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:10,999
Maybe one of them coughed.

161
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:15,000
I do like it.
I mean, I would buy it.

162
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:17,199
After Shazia's final, low,

163
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,959
three-figure offer was roundly
rejected,

164
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:23,679
we leave to locate our quarters,
The Windsor.

165
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:25,839
Hello. Bonjour.

166
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:28,199
Hello. Bonjour. Hello! Bonjour!

167
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,439
Bonjour, mademoiselle.

168
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,119
Two rooms please. Deux chambre,
s'il vous plait. Oui.

169
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:35,199
Each annum, the lobby
becomes an art installation.

170
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,319
It's art.

171
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:39,959
I'm sensing hostility.
It's very unusual.

172
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,879
There's these two men here,
sliding on bars of soap.

173
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:45,639
Quite funny
if you look at it long enough.

174
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,399
Yes, many things are.

175
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:51,400
The elevator is the work of former
Andy Warhol protege, Ultra Violet.

176
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,599
Eight, seven, six.

177
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,039
We have main engine start.

178
00:08:57,040 --> 00:09:01,040
Four, three, two, one, and liftoff.

179
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:06,559
Upstairs, 31 of the 57 rooms
are decorated by artists. Thank you.

180
00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:10,560
Mine by Ben Vautier, in his
distinctively persistent daub.

181
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:16,599
Well, this is relaxing.

182
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:20,119
While Shazia is stunned
into Stendhalian solemnity

183
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:24,120
by Francois Morellet's
white and yellow scheme.

184
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:28,959
I feel like I'm in hospital.

185
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,199
Yes.

186
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:34,200
Oddly, unable to sleep, we lock up
and lollup out

187
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:37,999
to find the smallest, most
authentically Nicoisean restaurant

188
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:39,639
on the whole d'Azurian coast.

189
00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:42,479
We meet success
with uncanny alacrity.

190
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:45,479
They have no e-mail here,
there's no phone.

191
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:47,959
Right, so, it's like 1936? Yes.

192
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,519
Do you know what?
It feels like a sauna.

193
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:53,559
I mean, we are
literally on top of each other.

194
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:56,119
Over 20 years ago, chef
Dominiqueue Le Stanc

195
00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:59,719
turned his two Michelin-starred
back on uptown shiz,

196
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:03,720
picked up some denim overalls and
got rustic in this low-key bistro.

197
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,839
Bonsoir, monsieur.

198
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:09,840
In defiance of Dominique's controlling
finger, I order the layered meat,

199
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:13,759
While Shazia opts for onion tart.

200
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,679
Oh! Do I have to finish this?

201
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:18,639
The sentence every restaurateur
wants to hear.

202
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,519
"Do I have to finish this?"

203
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:23,959
Next, pasta vert and pesto.

204
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,439
And oxtail and orange.

205
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:30,279
What I noticed was he didn't give me
any Parmesan.

206
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,159
And there's no massive peppermill.

207
00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:33,279
There was no show.

208
00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:37,119
Have you ever been tempted to buy a
giant peppermill for personal use?

209
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,199
What do you mean?
What did you think I meant?

210
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,239
Not in a sexual-use way.

211
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,999
It's a peppermill. I know.

212
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,359
That would be one of
the worst things.

213
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:46,919
You said for personal use.

214
00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:50,479
I'm talking about non-commercial use
within the home.

215
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,639
I do like large peppermills.

216
00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:55,679
Why not?
For use with pasta... dishes.

217
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:59,359
Before I have a moment to fully
mourn the death of innocence,

218
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:00,919
it's time for pud pud.

219
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,679
I'll have chocolate mousse.

220
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:05,479
If you have mousse, I might have
pears, then have some of your mousse.

221
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:07,759
OK. You're not a sharer?

222
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,399
No, I am a sharer.
You're not a sharer.

223
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:12,319
I just don't like people getting
into my mousse. I understand.

224
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:15,119
When I mentioned trying some
of your mousse, your face dropped.

225
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:17,159
My mousse is for me.
You protect your portion.

226
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:20,519
With barely a begrudging glance,
Shazia relents

227
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:23,919
and graciously consents
to a partial desert division.

228
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,879
Um... don't drop it in my pear
juice.

229
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:29,279
You want more mousse? Not now.

230
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,639
Yeah, but stop looking at it, then!
I'm not looking at it.

231
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:34,399
You were looking at it,
that means you want it.

232
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:36,359
You do want it. The moment's passed.

233
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:37,559
I do not want it. Well...

234
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:38,879
What is this? There you go.

235
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:41,439
You were looking at my mousse.
I was not looking at your..

236
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,119
What are you, 12?

237
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:47,120
The remainder of our repast whizzes by
in a similar whirl of wry repartee,

238
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:52,079
and the magic only ends when we're
asked to leave and never come back.

239
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:55,079
Coming up - a second part,

240
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,959
in which we pretend to care about
the man on the street...

241
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:00,719
Think of the people on the 50 bus.

242
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,399
..wonder at nature...

243
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,239
To be fair,
a lot of it looks like knick-knacks.

244
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,799
..and go to the world's brightest
casino.

245
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:14,000
Calm down, Shirley Valentine.

246
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:23,159
Comedian Shazia Mirza and I,
the heavily compromised

247
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,119
Richard Ayoade, are taking a two-day
detour round the Cote D'Azur.

248
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,199
In Part One, we ruled the roads...

249
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,999
Did they just flip us the bird?

250
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,999
Yes.

251
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,119
..questioned the male gaze...

252
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:37,679
I always find the female form rather
more attractive than the male form.

253
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:39,599
Have you seen David Beckham?

254
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:41,759
..and tested the limits of the
word "literally."

255
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,559
Do you know what? It feels like
a sauna.

256
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:46,599
We're literally on top of
each other.

257
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,799
In Part Two, the unwelcome
continuation of Part One,

258
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:53,639
we take flight from France
and 'copter down the coast.

259
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,759
This is not like the 50 bus, is it?

260
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:59,719
No, it's like the title sequence of
50 Shades Of Grey,

261
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,719
but where nothing's going to happen.

262
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:03,879
Urgh!

263
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,759
Helicopters are where it started
going wrong for Oasis.

264
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:09,839
Yeah, I do think so.

265
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:13,840
The seven min journey is the most
frequent scheduled helicopter

266
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,119
service in the world, with 50
flights per day choppering off

267
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:18,479
at 15 min intervals,

268
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,799
or MINtervals.

269
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,799
I can swim, you know. Can you?

270
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:26,479
Can you swim? Of course I can't.

271
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,719
Look down, then. Look down.

272
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:32,039
If this crashes,
I'm not going to try and survive.

273
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:34,839
Oh! Ooh.

274
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:36,239
OK.

275
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:39,439
I have to say,
the pilot landed that admirably.

276
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,839
We need to give him a round
of applause. Well done. Woo!

277
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:46,840
It's probably what the
Crown Prince of Monaco does.

278
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,519
Monaco is the most
densely-populated country on Earth

279
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:55,119
and consists of 10 wards.
Monte Carlo is one of them.

280
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,639
Let's find out if it's only a hatred
of redistributing wealth

281
00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:59,959
that draws people here.

282
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,999
Do you know what?
To look at these people,

283
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:04,799
I wouldn't actually know that
any of them were millionaires.

284
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:08,639
Well, 1 in 3 of the population
are millionaires.

285
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,479
I haven't seen any Rolexes.

286
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:13,039
Have you not? No. No cigars.

287
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:14,919
You're just scoping wrists!

288
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:18,519
I've just been looking
and there's nothing there.

289
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:21,119
After a brief bundle round the
old town...

290
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,439
Imagine, part of this might be
televised.

291
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:26,199
..we hobble to the harbour...
Lovely.

292
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:27,879
If you like blue sea.

293
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:31,880
..to find an affordable ride
amongst the stifling yawn of yachts.

294
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,279
Can we wait for the Bateau bus?
Bus du Bateau.

295
00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:38,799
Two euros a person. Is that return?

296
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,119
I think it's just one way.

297
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:43,239
See if you can get two for the price
of one. I'll haggle.

298
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:44,679
I'll certainly haggle.

299
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,479
For years, I wondered whether my
correspondence course

300
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:49,279
on European mooring fees had

301
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:53,280
been an overly-niche endeavour,
but today, I was finally vindicated.

302
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:57,199
Do you know how much it costs to
moor your yacht here?

303
00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:00,999
1,200 Euros per day. Of course it goes
up during the year... Oh, my gosh.

304
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,519
..on major yachting events,
so avoid those.

305
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,039
During the Grand Prix,

306
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:08,759
86,000 euros for a week
for a large yacht.

307
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:11,559
Do you think
the people on the small yachts

308
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:14,919
look at the people on the big yachts and go,
"Look at them, they're so up themselves."

309
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,439
"Who do they think they are?"

310
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,279
Why can't they have a more
modest yacht?

311
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:22,199
Look at him with his big yacht,
yachting over us.

312
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,239
That one's got taxis attached to it.

313
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:25,759
That's a cruise ship.

314
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:29,760
Seeing taxis on a cruise ship always
reminds me of one singular sir.

315
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,039
I miss Roger Moore. Do you?

316
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:35,519
I really liked him.
He was my favourite Bond.

317
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:37,519
Of course he was.
He was a man of elegance.

318
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:40,399
He had very old-fashioned values.
He did.

319
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,879
Here's a diamond, love.

320
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:46,880
Now, put the kettle on.

321
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,799
OK.

322
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:54,800
Not bad for two euros.
Not bad. I didn't even pay the guy.

323
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,719
Before the guy referred to
tracks us down and extracts

324
00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:00,199
his bitter retribution,

325
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,239
we take refuge in the
Jardin Exotique,

326
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:07,240
home to the world's largest
collection of succulents and cacti.

327
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:12,120
I feel cacti and I are relatively
similar in terms of approachability.

328
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,479
I feel like we're
in a Clint Eastwood film.

329
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:18,480
We're the comic relief scenes that
people skip through on the DVD.

330
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:22,640
Bonjour, madam. Bonjour, monsieur.
Bonjour. Bonjour.

331
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:26,799
Oui.

332
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:30,519
OK. D'accord.

333
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:32,599
Eddie Izzard makes a big
deal of doing this.

334
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,719
But he has jokes in it as well.

335
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:36,559
What are you talking about?

336
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,879
Entrance to the garden
also entitles you to visit

337
00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:40,399
the Grotte de l'Observatoire,

338
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:43,879
the only cave in Europe that gets
warmer as you descend.

339
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:47,039
That's right, it's
oppressive AND hot.

340
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,719
It feels like, you know when you
go on the London underground

341
00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:52,999
and you can't be bothered to get in the
lift and then you decide to take the stairs

342
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:56,079
and then you don't realise there's
three million steps?

343
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:58,319
That's what this feels like. OK.

344
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:01,319
Guide Patrick's 35 min tour
helps you realise,

345
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:05,320
on a visceral level, just how
much can be said about caves...

346
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:12,720
..and geology also, as well...

347
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:17,880
..and how crucial it is to
repeatedly warn.

348
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:23,000
Oui. OK. OK.

349
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:28,159
The tour's thrilling climax is
the system's largest chamber,

350
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:31,439
The Cathedral, with some parts that
look exactly like spires...

351
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:32,919
Wow!

352
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:35,639
..a feature that's
a facsimile of an organ...

353
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:36,679
Wow. Lovely jubbly.

354
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,319
..and a protrusion that
couldn't look any more

355
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:43,320
like the Virgin Mary without
it being plain spooky.

356
00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:48,399
I think he feels sad to leave us,
really.

357
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,679
I think we did connect, didn't we?

358
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:53,119
On some basic level, yes. Yeah. Hm.

359
00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:55,559
Will you keep in touch? No. OK.

360
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,359
There's a lot to see here. There is

361
00:17:57,360 --> 00:18:00,239
A lot of a beauty in here.
Yes. Different colours.

362
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:01,519
Different shapes.

363
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:04,639
But to be fair, a lot of it looks
more like someone has put

364
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,639
a Berocca in a massive
bucket of cream soda.

365
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:09,359
Oh! Tasty.

366
00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:12,559
Our horizons both expanded
and oddly shrunken,

367
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,639
we bowl into Monte Carlo itself.

368
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:18,759
Well, for motoring nuts like us,
what a thrill to be at

369
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,359
the highest point of the
Monaco Grand Prix circuit,

370
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,759
44 metres above its lowest point.

371
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:26,519
Wow.

372
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:30,520
Buoyed by Shazia's enthusiastic
response to my seamless stat off,

373
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:34,640
I guide us into Monaco's most famous
landmark, the Monte Carlo casino.

374
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:39,280
Opened in 1863, it transformed
this minuscule principality

375
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:42,199
into its current
Mediterranean majesty.

376
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:46,200
You'll no doubt remember this casino from
the smash hit film Once Upon A Crime.

377
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:47,919
Really? Yeah.

378
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:51,559
The tithe from this dice joint has
jacked up Monaco's economy

379
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:55,560
for an aeon, and allows residents to avoid
the egregious iniquities of income tax.

380
00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:59,079
Well, this is my natural habitat.

381
00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:03,080
You must spend a lot of time in
casinos in your civilian life? I do.

382
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:06,999
In the afternoon, the dress code is
reassuringly smart cas

383
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,759
and the callow card shark can even
get some expert guidance.

384
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,359
With a stack of bunce on our hips,

385
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:14,279
we bum down with the rest of the
waxworks at the blackjack table.

386
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:18,199
Bonjour, monsieur. Bonsoir. OK, this is Blackjack.
Do you know how to play?

387
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,479
Of course not. No.

388
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:22,199
The aim of the game is to take
cards as near as possible

389
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,719
to 21, without exceeding it. OK? OK.

390
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,199
Place your bet.
I'm going to start with 10 euros.

391
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,399
It's a good idea.

392
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,959
Err... I think I'll go higher.

393
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:34,879
Do you know Bruce Forsyth? No?

394
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:36,759
OK, one more, please.

395
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:38,319
17.

396
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,959
I need to go one higher, please.

397
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:42,959
Oh, yeah, I've won!

398
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,919
No, you're bust. It's the opposite
of winning.

399
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,759
You've lost. Oh, so I went
over by 3. You went over.

400
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:51,199
You went over.

401
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:52,479
Oh, come off it!

402
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:53,919
This is a bit suspicious.

403
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:56,799
21? The casino always wins.

404
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:58,479
Let's try again. Sure.

405
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:00,639
Fresh from his stint at the
Overlook Hotel,

406
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:04,640
Romane deals another
belief-beggaring hand.

407
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:06,999
Dude, you've got 21 twice in a row.

408
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,399
Yeah.

409
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,119
I'm putting another ten, and this
time, I advise you to watch it!

410
00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:12,999
Yeah! I'm a dangerous woman.

411
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,879
I'll go 50. You go 50. Off you go.

412
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:16,959
Jack.

413
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:19,279
Ooh, a six. Blackjack. Stop.

414
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,799
You've basically lost.
I haven't lost. I've literally won.

415
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,759
You've got Blackjack.
I've got Blackjack.

416
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,119
What does that mean?

417
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:28,799
When you have two cards that match
aces and ten, it's Blackjack.

418
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:32,039
So I might go for it, actually.
Go for it. You hit? Yeah.

419
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:33,479
Ooh! 23.

420
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:37,480
Crumbs. You're unlucky.

421
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,919
Look me in the eyes.

422
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:41,239
Level with me.

423
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,999
You've got three 21s in a row.

424
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,359
Yes. Yes.

425
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:46,719
My advice is lose once so it looks
plausible.

426
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,119
That's my advice.

427
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:51,279
In an attempt to
soothe the smart of such

428
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:55,039
a suspicious stiffing,
we rock up to the roulette table.

429
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:57,719
Where can I put this with the best
chance of winning?

430
00:20:57,720 --> 00:20:59,839
In your pocket. That's not
a victory.

431
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:01,319
No.

432
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:04,919
I sensibly select all
numbers between 13 and 36

433
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:08,920
while Shazia stakes 0 to 12 ensuring
a definite score for one of us.

434
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,039
Bang. It looks nice.

435
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:15,040
Roll 'em. Roll 'em, Jerome.

436
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,999
Quatorze. 14. Bang!

437
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,359
Well, it's a good job
I didn't gamble the house. Big win.

438
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:22,919
It's good. Mic drop. I'm out
of here. Yeah, but...

439
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:24,519
Walk away. Always walk away
a winner.

440
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:28,520
You only got ten like chips more.
It's not massive!

441
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,519
50 euros. Ouch.

442
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:33,119
Stings, does it? 50 euros down.

443
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:34,399
Ooh. Ouch.

444
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,079
What do you want to do with that
one? You keep it, Jerome.

445
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:41,080
Thank you, sir. You keep that.
Thank you. No probs.

446
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:46,760
That emphatic victory helps claw
back some of our savage spend

447
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:50,239
of?463.50 per person,

448
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:53,159
with not a penny used to straighten
my hat,

449
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:56,799
which by this point is practically
a sombrero. I mean, look at it!

450
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:59,399
This is where all the vertigo
sufferers in Monaco

451
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:00,879
come to build up tolerance.

452
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:02,599
Rich vertigo sufferers.

453
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,199
That goes without saying. Yes.

454
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,839
How have you found the experience
of not just Monaco,

455
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,199
but Nice, the Cote D'Azur?

456
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,399
There were many
quirky things about it,

457
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,839
like the Nice cars -
I really enjoyed them.

458
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:16,159
Or NICE cars.
I really liked the tiny restaurant.

459
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:19,199
We were closer than was ideal. Yes.
I'll give you that.

460
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:22,239
I liked the helicopter. If you want
something short and thrilling,

461
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:23,719
that's the thing to do, I think.

462
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:27,119
Well, there are other things... I know,
but I think... the helicopter's up there.

463
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:28,799
Were there any high points for you?

464
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:32,800
Aside from the delight of your
company, being amongst so many cacti.

465
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:37,160
I felt they respected my boundaries
and I respected their boundaries.

466
00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:39,599
I liked that they all
decided on a colour scheme.

467
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:41,039
What a privilege. What a joy.

468
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,439
And another thing
ticked off my bucket list.

469
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,199
If you had to choose between Nice
and Monaco... Yes.

470
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,519
..and you do have to choose... Yes.

471
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:51,079
..which would you choose?
I would choose Monaco.

472
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:53,839
Would you? As a tourist,
there's a lot to see,

473
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,199
and there's also a chance that
things could change for you

474
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,679
overnight and you could
become a millionaire just like that.

475
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:00,519
You beat the system.
And I like that thrill.

476
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:03,439
Well, thank you... Thank you.
..for being a steadfast companion.

477
00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:06,119
Thank you. Unfortunately, we have
spent a good deal of our funds on

478
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,959
that helicopter, so we're going to
have to walk at least halfway back.

479
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:10,439
OK, let's do that, then.

480
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:14,440
We'll get the plane from Frankfurt.
It's cheaper.