1 00:00:11,250 --> 00:00:14,960 It's goin'. Goin'! 2 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:17,800 HONKING 3 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,640 Done for! 4 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:41,560 Do you like that? 5 00:00:55,400 --> 00:01:00,240 Looking back on it, Fred Dibnah, the Bolton steeplejack, 6 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:04,920 reckoned the time after his divorce the worst in his life. 7 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:08,000 Livin' here alone weren't much fun. 8 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:13,840 I'd go home, put my pie in the oven, put the kettle on, watch the news 9 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:19,720 and try and keep the time for going to the pub as late as possible. 10 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:22,560 Usually, somewhere around eight o'clock, 11 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:27,280 I'd roll down the pub and join the other divorced characters. 12 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:31,720 I realised you couldn't go on like that for ever 13 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:36,480 or you'd become just another bloke who props the bar up, 14 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:41,080 with not a lot to show for your life on this planet. 15 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:44,800 Then, Sue arrived... Hi. 16 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:50,960 ..a social worker, ready to take an intelligent interest in Fred's steam workshop. 17 00:01:54,560 --> 00:02:00,160 This is my mechanical hammer. CLANKING 18 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:03,000 Wow! When in doubt... 19 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:06,240 And here, we have drills. 20 00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:16,080 CLANKING DROWNS SPEECH 21 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:23,760 This is my wonderful steam-engine thing. 22 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:29,600 It's a bit mucked up at present. I've not cleaned it for months. 23 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:32,880 Yeah, come on... 24 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:39,880 I first met Fred at a big steam rally in Cheshire. 25 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:44,640 It was in the middle of all the divorce problems and everything, 26 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,680 and Fred was, in fact, VERY drunk. 27 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:51,960 He looked awful. He was sad and miserable... 28 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,600 quite a pathetic sort of figure. 29 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:58,680 None of the bounce people knew him for. 30 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:03,800 He invited us to a chimney felling and it was the one at Oldham - 31 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:08,400 the one that he nearly brought down on the top of all of us. 32 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,680 Didn't you work your camera? 33 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,160 Well done! Congratulations! 34 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:35,640 Shortly after that, a friend rang me and asked me 35 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:40,360 if I'd like to go out with him to give him some support, 36 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:46,720 because he was going to Halifax to talk to the Fred Dibnah Appreciation Society. 37 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:52,800 When we arrived at this pub, there were lots of men similar to Fred - 38 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:56,920 all wearing flat caps and smoking Woodbines. 39 00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:01,720 I remember waking up in the middle of the night to a terrible row. 40 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:09,360 Everybody had been hopelessly drunk. The landlord and landlady were throwing things at each other. 41 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:13,400 The projectiles were going through windows! 42 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:20,320 It sounded like there were a war on. When we got up, all the windows were broke. I'll never forget that. 43 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:25,200 They married. And in 1987, their first son was born. 44 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:32,240 Having learned, like, that my new wife were pregnant, 45 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:38,280 the first worry were, would I be a proper father, as you might say. 46 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:43,480 Anyway, little Jack plopped out. Beautiful, you know, in good nick! 47 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:48,000 He's an exciting feller who likes almost everything I do. 48 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:54,720 I can't do it, Da-ad. You can't do it, Fred? Oh, right, where do you want to go now? 49 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:58,720 This vicar friend of mine at Kirkby Malham, 50 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:01,440 he had a problem with his flagpole. 51 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:08,680 We went over to fix him up a new flagpole. While we were there, he said, "What about a weathercock?" 52 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:14,160 OK, we'll make you a weathercock if you christen the little lad 53 00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:18,840 in his 800-year-old font which, of course, he did. 54 00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:23,440 While there, we were also fixing a lightning conductor. 55 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:29,600 As we were digging for the earthing strip, we dug up somebody's bones! 56 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:33,400 So we had a reinterment ceremony. 57 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:39,640 I don't know who he were. Oliver Cromwell had been there so it's an old church. 58 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:47,080 SUE: Fred had some really bad traits when I first met him. 59 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:51,520 He was terribly self-centred and thoughtless. 60 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:56,560 A silly example is, he would go to the pub and we'd be with some people 61 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:59,360 and he wouldn't buy a round. 62 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:04,640 He was SO busy talking about himself that he wouldn't get his money out. 63 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:07,080 I felt so angry with him. 64 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:12,040 Other things that upset me - because I could see they were damaging - 65 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:16,120 were his bad habits of drinking and smoking. 66 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:21,000 And, em...I eventually persuaded him to cut down on his smoking 67 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:25,640 and of his own free will, he said, "I'm going to give up." 68 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:31,400 To encourage him, I got him presents every day that he didn't smoke. 69 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:36,480 Then, I'd a relapse. I went to look at a chimney stack at Great Harwood. 70 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:43,240 The demolition man came up and he'd got two in his mouth and an American flame-thrower lighter. 71 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:48,440 He lit 'em and before I knew it, I'd the thing in between me lips. 72 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:54,760 I thought, "I might as well smoke the damned thing. This is definitely my last." 73 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:59,800 When I got home at tea time, I said to Sue, "I've had a smoke today." 74 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:03,360 I explained the tale. Ooh, very upset! 75 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:06,280 I've never had a cigarette since. 76 00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:10,960 I think I'm a slightly reformed character from what I was. 77 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:16,400 Look at these swanky gates! Aren't they posh? Yeah, aren't they nice? 78 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:21,840 Beautiful! He's makin' it all into, uh...yuppie houses, you see. 79 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,800 The chimney's round the back. 80 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,400 How tall is it? 81 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:32,240 We worked it out yesterday, me and Donald...sorry, me and Neil. 82 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:38,160 It's about 100ft high, I think. Look at the lightning conductor. 83 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:48,440 Stick it in that corner there and then we'll go and do the honours. 84 00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:51,080 You get up the hill wi' Jack. 85 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:55,640 That's it. Right, we have it. 86 00:07:55,640 --> 00:08:00,520 Now, you get up the hill and leave it to us. 87 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:18,080 Jack, look at those cows over there. 88 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:24,200 What'll they think when the chimney falls down? They'll be surprised. 89 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,920 Look, they're looking at the fire. 90 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:47,440 I want to smoke for the last time, John. 91 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:52,120 We went to the first chimney when he was about 18 months old, 92 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:56,800 the first chimney that he really knew what was happening, 93 00:08:56,800 --> 00:09:01,880 and he watched the chimney fall down and as it hit the ground, he said, 94 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:04,600 "It's all gone!" and started crying. 95 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:09,800 We went home and we had a few people, and one of them had a video camera 96 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:14,880 and we ran the video back onto the television and he was SO upset. 97 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:19,560 Fred was so proud. He said, "He's like me. He hates destruction." 98 00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:24,000 OH! 99 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:32,560 Oh, Jack. 100 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,200 Didn't have time to blow the hooter. 101 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:45,000 It fell in December, in the blizzard. 102 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:50,120 Fortunately, it went straight into a snowdrift at the foot of the tower. 103 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,840 It had a lucky escape, then. It was. 104 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,280 It's a bit out of shape, 105 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:59,120 but nobody will notice that up there. No. 106 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:05,040 Right, I'll send a rope down after. 107 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:16,520 Cock-a-doodle. Shout it. It's red! 108 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:21,520 Hello, there! JACK: Cock-a-doodle! 109 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:31,160 Cock-a-doodle! Cock-a-doodle! Cock-a-doodle! 110 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:42,160 Come on, Roger! A second son, Roger, was born in 1991, 111 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:48,520 letting Fred in for another year or two of morning marches to the nursery. 112 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:53,160 It doesn't bother me, shoving this pleasant, little chap about. 113 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,800 He never complains. 114 00:10:55,800 --> 00:11:01,080 He only ever cries when he's hungry which is a natural thing to do. 115 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:05,960 He's similar to what I were when I were little - a pleasant fellow. 116 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,600 Just went off later on in life! 117 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,480 I'm sometimes taken as the grandad. 118 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:16,720 That's a bit embarrassing when they say, "Are they your grandchildren?" 119 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,480 Are they buggery. They're mine. 120 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:23,560 I'm in good condition - of breedable quality. 121 00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:28,600 Now, then, here he is. Hello, Roger. 122 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:33,600 I'm not sure if he'll want to stay. He will! ..Are you going to play? 123 00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:36,680 Your mam's coming at tea time. 124 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:39,480 I'm off before he starts squeaking. 125 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:45,360 It's a long time since Fred himself went to school in the ragged 1940s. 126 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,640 The war was on, food rationed, 127 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:52,880 everything wearing out - a cold and dreary time - 128 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:57,960 but warmed for ever in Fred's memory by a gift from an old man - 129 00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:00,720 a beautiful, model steam-engine. 130 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:11,640 One Sunday, I remember having it in the parlour on a card table. 131 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:16,720 It were whizzing round and in an attempt to get more power out of it, 132 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:22,640 I wedged on the safety valves a die-cast, Dinky toy car 133 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:27,480 that had the effect of holding the dead-weight safety valve down. 134 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,320 It was going like a bat out of hell. 135 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:37,400 Mother and Father were listening to the Albert Sandler's Palm Court Hotel. It's 8.30pm, Sunday night. 136 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:42,240 Bloody great bang and the Dinky toy blasted off up into the sky 137 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:47,680 and stuck in the ceiling, followed by a big plume of boiling water. 138 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:52,600 All the globules of water dripping off the ceiling onto the couch, 139 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,280 and the best, shiny, parlour table. 140 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:05,560 I didn't wait long before Mother arrived and a great bollocking for mucking up the ceiling. 141 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:12,920 We had a patch on there for years after - a little piece of paper stuck over the dinge in the plaster. 142 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:17,040 An introduction to me and the steam-engine. 143 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:24,200 Whereabouts do you come from? I'm coming from Germany. 144 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:28,560 Now in his mid-50s, Fred had become a man of some fame 145 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:32,880 and his workshop, a place of pilgrimage. 146 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:38,720 I was lucky to find two steam rollers. I've got a Rutmeyer and a Zetmeyer. 147 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:42,800 Have you had to spend a lot of money? 148 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:49,120 Not a lot of money. It was very cheap to buy compared to English prices here. 149 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:53,200 It's expensive. They've gone a bit daft. Yes. 150 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,800 I only gave 170 quid for that one, 151 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:58,400 but it's 20-odd years ago. 152 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:02,080 Aye, now, they've gone berserk. 153 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:07,960 It's becoming some sort of tourist attraction, this here garden. 154 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:12,040 You know, we get all sorts of people round, 155 00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:15,080 you know, coming to have a look. 156 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:19,680 A few weeks ago, we had some American visitors 157 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:23,640 who professed to be American steeplejacks. 158 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:27,680 They set bloody fire to the parlour carpet. 159 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:33,000 They brought their video company with them to do this interview 160 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:39,560 of the Americans interviewing me as an English, sort-of-eccentric, steeplejack 161 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:44,720 and, of course, all their tattle were a different voltage than ours. 162 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:47,640 They're supposed to have an adapter. 163 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:54,320 They plugged this gubbage into my electrical system and we'd been at it for half an hour, 164 00:14:54,320 --> 00:15:01,000 when suddenly, there were the most unbelievable explosion and the bloody carpet's on fire! 165 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:05,440 We did well out of that. We got a new carpet. 166 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:13,480 What did your family think of your job? Mother didn't like it. 167 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,440 She wanted me to work in an office. 168 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,960 Next question? Right... 169 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,920 What part of your job do you enjoy best? 170 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,800 ..Putting the ladders up, I think. 171 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:29,800 Putting them red ladders up the side. 172 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:33,800 ..What are you doing with Gilnow Mill? 173 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:38,800 Oh, well, in the very olden days, before your school were even built, 174 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:43,640 there were two big chimneys where your school were. 175 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,680 And it's a rather exciting story. 176 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:50,640 I sort of knocked the wrong one down. 177 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:08,840 You start on that side, there's a good lad. 178 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:12,800 You'll have to rub harder than that, Jack. 179 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:17,280 Jack was now four and making progress in his education. 180 00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,680 Dad? What? 181 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:24,280 I see some sign of rust! No rust? That's very good, Jack. 182 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:27,080 I see some sign of rust! 183 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,840 Jack's a damned nuisance round here. 184 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:34,080 In his way, he's trying to give me a lift, 185 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:38,880 but if I put the spanner down, it disappears round the corner. 186 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:41,760 All sorts of weird things happen. 187 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:46,400 You know he's had it. But he's got such a good memory. 188 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:50,960 If you knew he'd had it last weekend...it's amazing... 189 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:55,760 and if you say, "Where's that big lump of iron with three holes in?" 190 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:58,480 he'll go straight to it and find it. 191 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:02,440 One fault, though, is he likes digging holes, 192 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:08,680 especially if it's raining, there's bloody holes all over full of water. 193 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:11,400 He's a frustrated coal miner. 194 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:18,320 WHISTLE BLOWS 195 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,040 Hey, that were all right. 196 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:30,840 Fred's actually succumbed to a bit of, em...domesticity? 197 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:33,520 Is that the right word? 198 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:38,120 Em...if I ask him to hoover, he makes a super job of it. 199 00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:40,720 He does much better than I do, 200 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:45,680 and because he's a perfectionist, things like that are very good. 201 00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:48,560 The brass work's his responsibility. 202 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:53,040 And window cleaning! I never, ever clean windows. 203 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,760 He loves twinkly windows. 204 00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,520 Things I wouldn't ask him to do... 205 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:02,720 I wouldn't ask him to change the baby's nappy 206 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:08,960 because Roger wouldn't like to be stood on his head, which is how Fred would do the job. 207 00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:18,360 Some things have changed, you know? I've got a more up-market wardrobe. 208 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:23,360 Instead of one suit and a waistcoat, and various pairs of jeans, 209 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:27,960 I've now got a grand selection of pullovers and cardigans 210 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:33,800 and two pairs of shoes and various caps for doing various things in - 211 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:39,120 appearing in public in posh caps and going to work in dirty caps. 212 00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:44,440 I have a wash more now than I used to. I have a shower every night! 213 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,280 Years ago, way before I was married, 214 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:55,400 I would have expected my husband to do more than Fred does in the house, 215 00:18:55,400 --> 00:19:01,280 but I never envisaged the sort of lifestyle that I'm leading now. 216 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:07,200 The general consensus about this sort of sharing things in the home, 217 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:12,600 I think, doesn't really hold for much when a person like Fred, 218 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:17,520 who is doing a very hard job, comes home cold and wet. 219 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:21,960 You know, he's been out really grafting hard all day. 220 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:26,840 Sometimes he'll come home and he'll have busted his thumb with a hammer. 221 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:32,280 You couldn't expect him to come in and then start doing housework. 222 00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:35,400 I just don't think it's fair. 223 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:39,920 You've got to strike a balance. Ours is about 90-10. 224 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,720 Me for 90% housework and Fred for 10. 225 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:48,920 All right? Good morning. Everything OK? Not so bad. 226 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:56,560 We've got the ironwork up and all them iron rods and the castings will stop any cracks getting worse. 227 00:19:56,560 --> 00:20:00,800 How long will it be before you finish? 228 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:06,800 Give it a fortnight cos we need the ladders. We're off to Cambridge. 229 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:11,480 Movin' on! Fred Dibnah International! We get about a bit! 230 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:14,640 HE HUMS 231 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:27,440 You're not doing it right. Just a minute. 232 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,320 Basically, I'm like a Victorian. 233 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:51,120 This feministic outlook, I don't think you can escape from it, 234 00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:58,480 but the Victorians... There were more of them sort of working for a living then, than what there is now. 235 00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:03,400 The lady's place was to be at home getting the tea ready. 236 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:08,440 Now, half of them buggers come home and they have to get their own tea. 237 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:13,320 All these, "I've just come home from the office, darling. 238 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:17,920 "Your tea's in the oven. I'm going out to the bingo." 239 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:21,640 You know, it's a weird situation now. 240 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:26,480 It's a bit like the end of the Roman Empire, innit? 241 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:30,920 They all either turned homosexual and went queer, 242 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:35,440 and went into a great nation of pleasure seeking 243 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:40,160 after they retracted back to Rome from all over the world. 244 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:45,240 They learned us how to have baths and underwater floor heating. 245 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:52,320 Then, they went bloody mad and now they make racing cars and washing machines. It's the end of the road. 246 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:58,320 We've had OUR day. I don't want to seem a die-hard type of person, 247 00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:02,480 but if you think about England, you know, 248 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:07,920 the perfecting of the steam-engine in 17-odds, early 1800s, 249 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:12,320 made England lead the world in engineering 250 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:15,360 from about 1790-odd to about 1914, 251 00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:20,960 and I think ever since then, we've been going a bit down-brew. 252 00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:43,320 You're cutting all the prickly tree! Yes, I'm cutting the prickly tree. 253 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:52,400 SUE: Do you know you've to sing? 254 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:57,120 What do we sing? I don't know. Course you know, Reddy. 255 00:22:57,120 --> 00:23:01,240 # Happy birthday to you... # BABY GARGLES 256 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:06,640 He's singing! # Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday, dear Daddy, 257 00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:09,720 # Happy birthday to you. # 258 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:14,360 Blow the candle out first. Blow it out. Oh, right. 259 00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:20,240 Do you feel a lot older today, now you're 54? It's better than being 55. 260 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:23,040 BABY SHOUTS You, shut up. 261 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:30,040 I really think this is you! 262 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:35,240 Like a... It's bloody... It's like a dress! No way I'm wearing that. 263 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:37,520 No, no, no. 264 00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:40,600 I don't want one. It's not my style. 265 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:47,480 Look, some nice ties! Leave it there. It looks like a bilious attack. I don't want any of them. 266 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:50,120 Oh, just your colours! 267 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:56,040 Oh! Very nice, very modern. No, no, I don't want... 268 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,880 How about, em... 269 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:01,600 Look at that! 270 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:04,320 I'll stick to long johns, I think. 271 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:11,320 Right, come on. Where's the jackets department? Let's look over here. 272 00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:16,160 Look at these. They're all too light a colour. I like that one. 273 00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:19,480 Yeah, if it were dark blue. Yeah... 274 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:26,000 Can I help you, sir? I'm not looking. My wife's looking for a jacket. 275 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:30,560 A sports jacket. It needs to have some blues in it. 276 00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:34,000 About a 42-44 chest. 44. 277 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:39,120 It's slipped down a bit. The best thing we can do, if you don't mind, 278 00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:43,960 is slip your jumper off and we'll try a couple on you. 279 00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:54,720 Just pop this one on. I'll put my cap back on. Turquoise and black. 280 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:59,280 I don't think it's appropriate to keep your cap on! 281 00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:03,800 It' OK. We get all sorts in here. Oh, Fred! 282 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:06,600 Does that feel comfortable? 283 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:11,480 It's all right but it's too long. I'm glowing like a Belisha beacon. 284 00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:16,480 It's gotta be very dark. More sober. The check's a bit loud. 285 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:21,320 It wouldn't last five minutes, this. No. A bit thick of stuff as well. 286 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:26,400 The problem is, now you're coming into summer, everything's lighter - 287 00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:29,240 colour and weight, you see? 288 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:34,280 I'm very old-fashioned. I'd noticed but I didn't like to say anything. 289 00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:37,120 FRED LAUGHS 290 00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:41,440 Let's have a look at some caps. Here you are. 291 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:46,040 ..Here you are. Take that dirty one off. 292 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:48,760 That's it. 293 00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:53,240 Let's have a look. It's too big, that, you know? 294 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:04,840 I rather like my oily cap. It has a smell all of its own. 295 00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:08,960 I've been in pubs and people have said, 296 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:13,320 "What's the flash point of your cap?" You know? 297 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:16,840 When I'm doing some blacksmithing, 298 00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:21,640 occasionally, I take it off and I get hold of some hot iron 299 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:26,520 and it sets on fire, you know! There so much oil in it! 300 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:30,720 I think it's really a replacement for hair. 301 00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:34,280 If I go on holiday without my cap, 302 00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:39,200 I feel as though somebody's shaved all the top of me head. 303 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:45,640 On occasions, I've been so inebriated after days out with this load of old iron, 304 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,400 I've ended up in bed with it on. 305 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:55,000 One day, at work, Fred's cherished cap rounded on him. It was like being savaged by a trusted dog. 306 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:57,840 I've had a bad do with me head. 307 00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:02,760 I came out in red blotches the day before yesterday. 308 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:09,800 Me and the wife were in the building society, withdrawing £2,000 to pay the income tax. 309 00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:14,840 I don't know if it were the shock of getting the money out or what, 310 00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:20,200 but I come over faint and she said, "You're worrying about the money." 311 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:24,640 I came home, had a stiff whisky, come to bed. 312 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:29,520 I were goin' worse. All these red blotches all over me bald head. 313 00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:34,600 Doctor arrived and he said, "You've got scapular cappy-itis," or summat. 314 00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,440 I said, "It must have been me cap!" 315 00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:44,480 It landed in a puddle of water on top of the spinning mill, full of dead pigeons and stuff. 316 00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:51,200 I'd wrung it out, like, put it back on. By dinner time it were dry and I'd forgotten all about it. 317 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:58,120 Apparently, some germ had got in the scratch that were on me bald head, and gone underneath me skin. 318 00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:02,600 If it gets round to your eye holes, it makes you blind. 319 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:07,720 He gave me medicine and luckily it stopped before it got there. 320 00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:12,880 So I still feel a bit groggy but I'm on the mend definitely. 321 00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,160 What does it take to get a piece of fried chicken... 322 00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:40,920 Never tasted anything like it. ..into your hands?