I'm approaching the city of Gdansk from the Baltic Sea.
This unremarkable stretch of waterway has seen two seismic events in recent history.
On September 1st 1939, World War II began over there on Westerplatte,
when the German warship Schleswig-Holstein opened fire on the Polish garrison.
They held out very gamely, but within a matter of weeks, all of Poland was overrun.
By the end of the war, the Poles had lost 20% of their population,
a higher proportion than any other European country.
Even when the Nazis were finally driven out of Poland by Stalin's Red Army,
things didn't really get much better.
The Poles merely exchanged one tyranny for another.
So it went on through the '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s, until something quite remarkable happened
here at the Gdansk shipyards, not 10 minutes by small boat from where World War II began.
CHANTING
An electrician called Lech Walesa led a series of strikes
that were the beginning of the end of Communism in Europe.
Under the agreement that followed,
free trade unions became legal for the first time in any of the Soviet bloc countries.
The famous gates of what was then the Lenin Shipyard
are still decorated as they were in the days of defiance,
with the name of Walesa's union, Solidarity, and his inspiration, the Polish Pope John Paul II.
Lech Walesa helped maintain a fleet of electronic buggies like this one,
a job which kept him in contact with workers all over the yard.
The shipyards themselves, shorn of their socialist subsidies, later went bust.
They were bailed out, but the workforce today is a shadow of what it once was.
'I ask the manager if there's still a sense of pride about what happened here.'
What do the workforce here today think about Lech Walesa?
Well, they are very proud,
knowing that Mr Walesa was for a long time
employed here in Gdansk shipyard
and he was trying to help afterwards while being a president of Poland, for example.
And they still have good links, knowing some friendships were still maintained.
Do they regard him as a good president?
Definitely, yes. Yeah, yeah.
Gdansk, reduced to rubble in the war, has been restored to its former glories,
and ex-President Walesa has been granted a grace and favour office
in this imposing former royal residence.
It's here that he's agreed to see me.
Few living Europeans are as illustrious as Lech Walesa.
Married to Danuta, eight children, loves computers, has a Nobel Prize, an airport named after him,
a daughter doing well in Poland's Celebrity Come Dancing, is serious and hates small talk.
Mr President, what is the best thing about your life now?
TRANSLATION: The best things are good food, good wine and women.
But I must remember that I am 63.
So I have to watch myself.
Well, I'd like to say I'm 63 and much inspired!
Remember what Churchill said, "The things we like are either immoral or bad for us."
Comparing Poland then and now, what has improved?
It depends how you look at it, how you look at the benefits.
For me, the main benefits are freedom and democracy,
that people can travel freely,
that you can go to church.
That I can be president.
Anyone can become president.
I think that these things are worth dying for, but there are other people.
For them, the important thing is jobs...
..how much money they have.
They see the benefit in a different light from me.
Trade made Gdansk rich.
It shows in the harmonious grace of its Dutch-influenced squares.
Down by the canal, the largest medieval crane in Europe still stands, but no longer lifts.
An hour's drive away and I'm at another waterfront.
This is Elblag, equally war-battered but less well restored than Gdansk.
It's the starting point for what is to be a most remarkable journey on the Elblag-Ostroda Canal.
Our boat is called Labedz, the Swan.
It's functional rather than elegant and Ugly Duckling might have been better.
Either would be quite suitable as we make our way through a nature reserve of marsh and woodland
that's a haven for birdwatchers.
Oh. He's found one.
The canal opened in 1872, just before the railway that took away most of its trade.
It has to cope with a rise of 360 feet from one end to the other.
The engineers solved the problem in a most spectacular way.
As we enter the lock, the Swan slides into an underwater cradle.
In an engine-room built beside the canal,
mighty wheels are slowly powered into action which turn a drive wheel,
which turns a cable, which will slowly draw the boat,
secure in its watery hammock, out of the water and up the hill.
This is pretty remarkable
because we've been dragged out of the canal onto dry land.
It's not a lock system, it's a slipway system.
Basically, the boat has to be raised 100 metres in the course of the canal
and this is one of these locks and I've never seen anything quite like this,
so instead of just being in a water lock, you are actually taken out of the water and up the hill.
What amazes me is that no one bats an eyelid at the sight of a boat going up a hill.
Well, it has been doing this for a 140 years, I suppose.
Once over the hill, we're eased gently back into the water.
This whole wonderful Heath Robinson process will happen four more times before they reach Ostroda.
Amazing. We've come over the hill, the rails have led us up and we're now back in the water again.
We have ceased to be a railway.
We're now a boat again.
Extraordinary!
Really delightful, if cumbersome machinery.
Raised above the countryside.
I'm not going all the way to the end as I have to be back in Elblag
for a professional engagement.
With a top cabaret!
Well, this could be another career break. I've been asked by a group called Ani Mru Mru.
They are a Polish group. They're very popular, very successful. Ani Mru Mru means, "Shh!"
Don't worry, or something like that, which I quite like.
Anyway, they know of Python. They know I'm in town and asked me to come and do a small part.
I'll do my best.
I'm rushed to wardrobe to discuss my costume with one of the stars.
What do you think? Shorts?
Yes, it's very nice. Yeah, I knew they would come in useful somewhere on my trip to Poland.
Yeah, they're very nice, those. OK. And what with the...
From Milan or... From Milan, yes, especially with that...
Jean-Paul Gaultier. Jean-Paul Gaultier.
It's like a codpiece coming out of your hip.
Yeah, it looks like it. Kooky? Yeah, kind of weird, anyway.
When you do these shows, is the humour satirical? I mean, what makes the audience laugh?
You never know. It's like...
Well, you know Monty Python, you must have seen it. Yeah, I know it.
Lots of people in Poland know you cos of Monty Python.
I'm now joining a Polish group.
So there, Cleese, Idle, Jones and the other one!
I've been given the role of a five-year-old boy,
a big test for any method actor.
Oh dear!
I still can't decide.
That's too grown up, that's too silly.
I suppose silly's what it's all about.
Oh dear!
Maybe... I don't know.
HE SPEAKS IN POLISH
Anyway, darlings, if you'd just give me a moment. Give me a moment.
Just give me a moment. Yes.
I'm ready.
The sketch is a satire on pop stars who use sweet little children in their act.
HE SINGS IN POLISH
I've modelled my performance on the theme of over-excitement...
..and incontinence.
Fortunately, I don't know the Polish for "get off!"
Michael Palin!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I hung around in Elblag for a while, but the phone didn't ring.
So I'm off to Warsaw.
Warsaw, the Polish capital, will be the mid-point of my journey,
before carrying on to Poznan, then south to Krakow and the Slovakian border.
Warsaw suffered dreadfully in World War II.
In his fury at the uprising of 1944, Hitler ordered the city removed from the map.
Over 800,000 citizens died or disappeared.
After the war, Poland's capital was rebuilt by the Communists.
'Stalin gave this Palace of Culture to the Poles to show how much they meant to the USSR.'
Did you want it?
Apparently, he gave us a choice - "You either get a Metro system or a palace of culture."
We said, "Oh, can we have the Metro, please"? He said, "OK, I'll give you the palace."
That's how it started.
'Perverse. My guide is Polish journalist, Monica Richardson.'
It sort of plonks itself down right in the middle of the city like some alien creature.
Like a scar. Absolutely.
It does cut the city right in half.
When you look out at your city from here, do you find it a little grey?
Do you think it's a beautiful city?
No, it's not a beautiful city. But it's a working city. I have a lot of respect for it.
It's a good, down to earth city of people who have busy lives.
Yes. You get a great view of the city without having to see the Palace of Culture.
I suppose in that way, it's kind of... It's a blessing in disguise.
It's better being in it than being out there looking at it. Absolutely. It's an awful place.
Well, it's got a certain grandeur.
An edifice like this brings to mind some form of architectural imperialism,
plonked down to dominate the subjugated people.
Very true, but it's become a symbol of Warsaw, whether we're happy about this or not,
just like the fact that Warsaw is such an old new city.
An old new city? Yes, that's a good way of seeing it.
Kind of like an Eiffel Tower in a sense, it's on all the postcards.
Love it or loathe it.
This is the Congress Hall.
This is where the Communist Party would have its congresses every so many years,
just to explain to people why things hadn't turned out quite as beautifully as they were going to.
All of the delegates would be sitting here from all over Poland
and the leaders would be up the top there, talking for hours on end,
with people sort of dozing away as it's all televised live for days and days.
The irony is that people like Bob Dylan have come and performed here now.
I'm sure they knew nothing about the history of this place.
It reflects the history. Of course, a few days ago,
Miss World took place on the same stage that the fiery communist leaders were giving their rhetoric.
How bizarre! What would Stalin make of that?
I'm sure he's turning in his grave. Oh, that would make a sound.
That would be a sort of 10.6 on the Richter scale - Stalin turning in his grave.
NEWSREEL: Left in the wake of the onrushing Reds is the ruined city of Warsaw,
scene of an indescribable five-year reign of terror.
But at last, the exiled population, those still alive,
are able to return to the shells of their former homes.
For once more, the Polish flag flies over Warsaw.
It's remarkable that this was rebuilt after the war.
It was complete rubble. This has been built in my lifetime, rather than 300 years ago.
Yes, it was rebuilt to the exact specifications of the way it had been in the 18th century,
rather than directly after the war.
For some reason, the architects decided that the 18th century
was when the old town in Warsaw was at its biggest glory, the highest glory.
That's how they did it. But in a sense, it's completely artificial.
But it was supposed to be very beautiful, wasn't it? People compared it with Paris.
Yes. Around here is really lovely.
Actually, it's a testimony to the amazing efforts of those people
who, in 1945-46, decided to actually keep this the capital of Poland.
It wasn't, if you think about it, all that obvious at all.
85% of it was in rubble.
Do you think that places like this, these squares,
that have been beautifully restored,
is that sort of helping to remind Poland of a past, a golden past?
After all, there was a time when Poland was a big player in Europe,
much bigger than Russia or Germany.
Do people hark back to that?
No. I think I can see where you're coming from asking that question,
but no, I don't think we've got any illusions of grandeur past or present or future dreams of it.
I think we just want to be taken seriously,
as a nation that's a force in Europe,
as a nation that's got a fantastic history to it,
as a brave nation that however has something to offer here and now,
rather than being a martyr for generations and generations.
Plenty of Poles have come to work in the UK.
But I'm off to meet an Englishman who's happier working in Poland.
He's a cockney called Kevin Aiston.
He came here 15 years ago, without a visa, doing whatever jobs he could find
and picking up the language along the way.
He's ended up in the Polish fire brigade.
When I got the hang of the Polish language and I felt confident enough,
I knocked on the doors of the Polish fire brigade and said, "Hi, I want to be a fireman, can I?"
I passed all the tests and everything and they said, "Come on in."
I'm a section leader in the Polish fire brigade.
You're saying lightly that, "Oh, I learned the language," but it must have been very, very difficult.
I find it a very difficult language indeed.
Polish actually is amongst five of the most difficult languages in the world.
I don't know how I've done it.
How do you do it? Did you do it from books? No books.
At one point, Michael, I wouldn't even like to think about it,
cos I'm sure I've drunk a car learning this Polish language,
but the best way to learn Polish really is buy a beer, buy a Polish guy a beer,
sit down and chat with him.
How similar are the Poles to the English? Or how different?
They're very different. I wouldn't say similar.
They're not similar at all. They're very, very opposite, I'd say
But they're opposites which attract. The Poles like the English, the English like the Poles.
The Poles, for example, they're very gallant, if you're talking about women.
They kiss women on the hand for hello and goodbye.
English guy does this, "Hi, how are you?" It's a little bit cold.
The Poles are very hospitable - if you go to their house, they will empty out the fridge
and knock on the neighbour's door to get their fridge emptied to entertain you.
What about your love life here, if it's not a rude question? Are the girls easy to meet?
Yes. Yes, I did. When I came out here, I was 21.
21, 22.
Not married.
The Polish women are really beautiful.
They really are.
Also, very hospitable.
They love English.
They love the Englishman as well, not only their language.
But I'm married so I can't say too much now.
I'm sure my wife is going to watch this.
I'm married to a Polish woman.
We're building a house now in the forest, which is coming on very nicely.
I would not be able to do that in Great Britain, I'm sure of it.
And we have a lovely daughter whose name actually by the way is Chelsea.
So there's a nice piece of English heritage still being implanted in Poland
and it's being raised in Poland so...
I've still got Great Britain close to my heart and everything, even though I'm a long way away.
But I would say this one thing for the Poles that are in my country
is that I hope that Great Britain treats them as well as Poland has treated me here.
That's the best that I could ever wish them, really.
There's something I've always wanted to do.
Michael. I don't like these gates, they look very serious.
This one is quite serious. It's a long way down from here.
It certainly looks a lot further from here.
But we're going to get you down there safely.
What you've got to on this fire pole is first...
throw that into your shoulder.
Here, here. Do not hold it with your hands, because you'll burn them going down.
Do it with your sleeves, one leg, two legs.
And you go. Got it?
You nearly went then. Nearly.
I'll go after you.
So, in like that. Woah!
No arms. One leg. Then the other.
And then you go down. Let gravity take over.
That's brilliant. Whoa!
Not so bad, eh? Ah!
It's like sandpaper.
Now let go of the pole, Michael.
Let go of the pole? Oh, I don't take it with me?
How was that? Deux points?
Absolute Mont Blanc.
So simple.
'I can't wait to try it again.'
LOUD BEEPING
'This could be my chance.'
Wait!
Hang on!
I eventually catch up with Kevin at Polish Television, where he's something of a star.
He says he can get me on a top morning TV show.
This could be the break I've been waiting for.
THEY SPEAK IN POLISH
'He thinks it would be a good wheeze
'to test my Polish pronunciation on camera.'
THEY SPEAK IN POLISH
We're going to be on after an item about ladies' hairdressing.
Back in make-up, I asked Kevin how on earth he got into all this.
I signed a contract for three episodes.
What of? A comedy show? Yeah.
That was four years ago.
On Friday, we're recording the 100th episode.
Amazing. You do stage stuff as well?
Stand-up comedy as well.
In Polish, to a Polish audience?
Yes, my hero in Great Britain, heroes - are Jimmy Jones...
Jimmy Jones. Roy Chubby Brown?
No, Lee Evans. I love Lee Evans.
Shall we go, Michael? We're done, OK.
Hello, Michael Palin.
This is my honour, really. I never thought I can shake your hand.
You've created my sense of humour, really.
Is that a good thing?
That's your fault!
THEY SPEAK IN POLISH
Thank you for being here with us.
HE SPEAKS IN POLISH
We're going to try and do some Polish.
MICHAEL SPEAKS IN POLISH
Very good.
MICHAEL SPEAKS IN POLISH
That's a difficult one.
MICHAEL SPEAKS IN POLISH
Very good!
It's your handwriting that's so bad.
MICHAEL SPEAKS IN POLISH
Very good, almost, almost.
This is going to be one of your favourites.
I'll show this to the camera first. We've got this.
What is that, Michael?
MICHAEL SPEAKS IN POLISH
Close. THEY SPEAK IN POLISH
Can he just say goodbye to the viewers?
Of course. Right here.
THEY SPEAK IN POLISH
Thank you. Thank you, Michael.
Now it's just back to normal life.
My moment of glory is over.
Polish Television conquered.
Tomorrow, the world.
The world in this case being the Great European Plain, where Poland was forged over 1,000 years ago.
It grew strong and successful until the Russians, the Austrians and then the Germans swallowed up their land.
It's only now, in the new Europe,
that Poland is regaining its stability, confidence and its history.
Poznan is another picture postcard piece of restoration.
Its Old Square, where past meets the present,
is the perfect place to watch the world go by and sort out the mobile phone offers.
No, no. The thing is, I was on your two for one
and I now want to change to the four for three,
which is tariff five.
So four for three on tariff five and I'm going on to Krakow, southern Poland,
so I believe that changes to the special offer then,
which is like...
I only want it for a week there. I don't want it for the full three months. I see.
That would be ... Oh, do you?
That's interesting. That's interesting. OK. Right.
So this is the ten for one.
That's wonderful.
That's only in this part? Right.
That's in where? That's in Moscow.
No, I'm not going to Moscow.
But that's a fantastic rate.
Ten for one. I think I might go to Moscow.
I'll have a word with the director, anyway.
'The highlight here is the midday display on the town hall clock.
'It commemorates a legend by which two rams, or is it goats,
'locked horns outside the town hall,
'alerting everyone to the fact that it was on fire at the time.
'This is something not to be missed.'
BELL TOLLS
Sorry, I've got to stop now, the two rams are coming out.
CLOCK CHIMES
TRUMPET PLAYS
Butting completed, the rams or goats, retire till midday tomorrow.
I wouldn't say the place was gripped with excitement,
but it's given everyone something to do apart from shopping.
I've got a terrific deal from Japanese Telecom.
Posnan Central Station.
The 8.58 to Wolsztyn prepares to leave, with a very new driver.
This is it, this is the mighty, oily beast that I shall be driving, and I've got the outfit.
I might look a bit like a gents' hairdressser but this is actually the PKP drivers' jacket.
PKP meaning Polish Regional Railways.
The great thing is, this is a scheduled service.
There will be passengers on board.
They haven't been told that
a member of a comedy troupe from England is actually going to be driving. Probably just as well.
Anyway, I can't wait to get on, so here we go. See you later.
Englishman Bob Wyatt was one of the inspirations behind a very bold
operation, an Anglo-Polish engine driving school.
Morning. Michael.
OK, great. Thank you. So...
So, Michael, are you going to drive to Wolsztyn? So I'm told.
If you'd let me drive to Wolsztyn.
It seems a dangerously big thing for me to be in charge of, so... OK.
I can also be a fireman if I want to but I've been allowed to practise getting the coal on.
That's why you have to practise!
It's 8.58, and as the commuters pour into Posnan, it's time to go.
Regulator goes down. There's always a gap between the regulator moving and the train moving off.
There we are, the crowd swarming into Posnan.
Now, I'd better just concentrate.
This isn't Thomas The Tank Engine.
This is the real thing on a real railway... WHISTLE BLOWS
..with real passengers.
Once we're clear of the main line, Janos puts me into the driving seat.
Is that a station ahead?
Lift the break. Lift the break.
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
STEAM HISSES
All right, it's not Grand Central, but it's my first station.
I'm rather proud of it.
Beautiful.
This is just stopping!
Stopping!
Starting's the bit I like.
There we go. Ooh!
WORDS DROWNED OUT BY ENGINE
OK... No, no, Michael.
There we are.
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
I'm beginning to get the hang of it. TOOTS WHISTLE
Phew! We're in the depot of Wolsztyn.
We're back and almost on time.
I think we're about two minutes late.
Once you get over the actual fear of being on the footplate
of this enormous hurtling bit of mass of metal,
once you get over that it's very exhilarating.
But normally now we just press buttons and things happen.
On this you have to pull a lever which presses a flange,
which pulls another valve which turns some wheels, and it's really hard physical work.
So, I've great respect for these guys.
I suppose they are a bit dodos like this, but it was a great run, and I do apologise to any passengers
who had heart attacks. We'll refund the money.
I'm just going to help out greasing down the old beast.
I always wanted to be an engine driver and now my dream's come true.
It'll be a real anti-climax being a TV presenter again.
This is Jasna Gora monastery in Czestochowa,
the most important religious site in a deeply religious country.
At the entrance is the powerful figure of Cardinal Wyszynski,
the Catholic primate who refused to compromise with the Communists.
So many hundreds of thousands of pilgrims come here every year
that special days have to be organised for them.
This is interesting. Throughout the year, the various pilgrim groups have their own special days.
The year is almost packed with different groups coming in.
We are... That's ours.
25th to the 28th, Kapelani WP.
Chaplains of the Polish army.
That, I'm told, Lesnicy, are Forest Guards.
So, they all have their special day of pilgrimage.
Doesn't say BBC.
What they've all come to see is the mysterious black Madonna,
a likeness of the Virgin Mary said to have been painted by St Luke on a beam from Jesus' home in Nazareth.
Pilgrims process on their knees around the chapel where it's displayed.
The Madonna has been associated with some great Polish victories over
the years and is believed to have miraculous powers.
Monks of the Pauline order, whose monastery this is, celebrate Mass almost non-stop throughout the day.
The climax is always the moment when the Madonna is revealed.
SINGING
The great moment is announced with a drum roll.
A screen of beaten gold slowly rises.
And the black Madonna, nestling in jewel-encrusted robes, is at last revealed.
My guide Father Tomon tells me what it means.
It's meaning the queen of Poland, Mary,
was elected
proclaimed queen of Polish nation, and after the...wars,
martial law proclaimed by General Jaruzelski,
after this period of Communism we have this place where we were free.
This holy icon is a sign of presence, her presence here.
She is here and we believe that she is a mother, a queen of the Polish nation, of course.
Then the time comes for the queen of Poland to be hidden again.
Two hours from the monastery is one of the most infamous places in Europe.
Occupied Poland was where the Nazis put their most notorious concentration camps.
This, one of the earliest, is in the town of Oswiecim.
In German, Auschwitz.
Converted in 1940 from a Polish army barracks, Auschwitz One
is where the techniques of mass killing were honed.
This was one of the gas chambers.
And these are some of the first ovens developed to destroy
quickly and efficiently all traces of organised murder.
In the rooms where men, women and children were incarcerated
are displays of what was found when the camp was finally liberated.
Canisters of the killing gas, Zyklon B.
Piles of human hair.
And, somehow most moving of all for me, the bags and suitcases
that once contained someone's last possessions.
And on them, the names of their owners, written in hope.
I suppose it's good that places like this are still here,
with the evidence of brutality kept in good condition.
But I wish I could believe that people will never be like this again.
Now here's something the Poles are proud of and which every schoolchild has to see.
A salt mine. We start our way down to the mine.
Yep. To the first level only.
64 metres, about 200 feet below the surface.
It will be 380 steps.
If you look down into the shaft, you will see the way to the first level is 64 metres...
'People flock to the mine not just to see, well, salt,
'but to see what can be done with salt if you've a bit of spare time,
'a fair amount of talent, and a lot of dedication.
'For this is where all these steps lead to...
'St Kinga's Chapel, where everything,
'walls, floor, ceiling,
'even the crystal on the chandeliers,
'is made out of salt.'
That's beautifully done, isn't it, really?
It's the Last Supper.
It's almost like a marble. Is it really? Yes, it's hard.
In order to have such smooth surfaces of faces, hands,
they could polish it by something wet. Yeah.
So that's the difference between salt carving and wooden carving,
that they could use the water to polish salt. Yeah.
This is the side altar,
of Sacred Heart Of Maria.
It's a nice salt, very clean kind of salt. Very translucent.
And the relief called Miracle Incarna,
Jesus changing water into wine during the party.
It has beautiful perspective.
It digs so deep in the wall. Yes.
It all looks so exceptional. Of course, they're lucky to have the cyrstals too -
adds that touch. Like the chandeliers.
Yeah, chandeliers, they are made of salt cyrstals. Of course, the frame is wooden.
Same cyrstals, they are behind the statue of Kinga.
These are crystals of halite, that's the name of the mineral. Pure salt.
I mean, these guys who carved all this, were they artists already?
Did they do other work, or any other carvings,
any sculptures around the area or they just worked here?
Just ordinary miners. They were just miners!
In their spare time, after their work, after their shift,
they carved salt figures, so it wasn't them doing their regular shift,
just doing eight hours after it. They had to do a day's work in the mines too?
Yes. And then after one or two hours, not every day,
as a kind of passion, they carved here.
This must have been very recent.
This statue of the Pope John Paul II
was finished seven years ago, also by the miner.
Very clever. We still have miners, they continue the tradition of carving.
Seven of them, they do it, still.
Same families, is it? No. No?
'I've reached Krakow.
'My conveyance this morning is the Trabant.
'Made in East Germany, it was the people's car of Communist Europe.'
Thank you. Thanks very much.
Hello there. Good morning.
I'm Michael.
Let's go!
Oh, reverse!
Great. Woah!
'Among some young Poles, the humble Trabant has aquired cult status.
'Entrepreneurs, like my driver Kuba,
'are using them to offer less conventional city tours.'
Tell me about the car, the great Trabant.
Well, here we've just got the speed meter, yep.
There is temperature of oil, which, of course, doesn't work!
And the most tricky thing about Trabants is that it doesn't have a fuel gauge.
No fuel gauge? And the gas tank is under the hood.
So, we've got the hood, the engine, and the gas tank.
Yeah. The gas tank is just by the engine, you know,
so some people claim that it's not too safe. Yeah.
And what are those over there? This, er...?
Yeah. This? That knob, yeah!
This knob is to turn on the light. I see.
Well, you better have that, because I don't know quite where it goes.
Well, me either, so...! OK.
Well, we'll just...
Keep that in your pocket for later. Yeah, maybe... Maybe...
..I'll hang onto it for you. OK. OK. So what are the ones next to it?
The next is for the windscreen, er...
This is for lights, I think. Yeah, this one is for lights, yeah.
That's good. Windscreen wipers - that's fine.
But the lights don't work properly, so I just don't use them...
until it's dark, it's too dark.
So, there's the heating. It's not air conditioned, it's just basic heating.
But the thing is, I've been doing these tours for six months and I've no idea how it works.
Yeah. So, er... we don't know how it works.
'For a small car, the Trabant leaves a hell of a carboon footprint
'But Kuba seems undettered.
'It's a minor worry compared to SOME of his problems.'
Quite often, I mean, once in a month or something like that,
er...the wheels...they fell off.
I mean, not all of the wheels...
it's just the one wheel.
But we've got four of them, and in two of them, the wheels fell off three times.
So, of course, it happened during the tour.
So, you drive a Trabant like now, 60 or something,
and suddenly you are without the wheel.
So you are in the middle of the road, in the middle of the traffic,
and you have big problem, cos it's not so easy
to keep it running straight with three wheels!
'It's not just the car that's different on the tour.
'It's the destination.
'The suburb called Nowa Huta, built in the 1950s
'as the ideal Socialist city.'
So, here we are, old part of Nowa Huta.
Shape of the semi-circle, yeah? Like a fan.
I can show you a few photos...
cos...it's good to see
how big an achievement it was. Cos, back in the '50s,
so, please remember, 1949,
beginning of the whole construction, first settlers.
That's just farmland, as it was then. Just the farmland.
Exactly. Green field, nothing on it.
But in the ten years, well, take a look what they did. Oh, yeah.
We've got this central square that we can see on the map. It's here. Yes.
And you see how grand it is. Very formal. Very formal.
'Kuba shows me the grand arcades of Nowa Huta,
'designed to prove that the proletariat could have a city just as beautiful
'as anything in snobby, priest-ridden Krakow.
'But in the 1980s, he tells me, it all went wrong.
'Like the shipyard workers of Gdansk, the steelworkers of Nowa Huta
'rose in protest, turning on the party and looking instead to the West.
'The sight of mountain peaks comes as quite a shock after weeks on the plain.
'Ahead are the high Tatras, half in Poland, half in Slovakia.
'I'm in a village where a highland wedding is about to take place.
THEY SING IN POLISH
'Two all-singing masters of ceremonies are delivering the bridegroom,
'a ski instructor, to the home of his bride-to-be,
'also a ski instructor. He is escorted by two bridesmaids,
'quite possibly ski instructors.
'On arrival at the house, Marius is welcomed by his bride Berta,
'wearing a heavy metre-long head-dress
'she's not allowed to take off until the end of the wedding day.
'They're serenaded into the house and up to the bride's bedroom.
'Here, amidst a total lack of privacy, he has to take off his shirt
'and put on one prepared by his bride.
'No fumbling goes unrecorded.'
Oh!
'At some point in the day's crowded programme,
'the bride and groom actually get to church and marry each other.
'After the wedding, I take a walk in the hills,
'only to find the photographer's got them up here as well!'
THEY LAUGH AND TALK EXCITEDLY
'Berta's being photographed with all the men she HASN'T married today.
'She seems to be rather enjoying it!
'But who am I to talk?'
Woah, lovely!
Ah! Oh, don't...!
Oh, this is lovely! This is heaven!
'I keep trying to get away, but the photographer is insatiable!'
OK, legs together!
'Now the wedding action shifts bizarrely to the local fire station.
'In small villages like this,
'it's often the only place with a room big enough for a party.
'I really feel for Berta. Ski instructing must be a doddle after this!'
It's very hard to dance when you're drunk!
Yeah, exactly. We're not doing too badly!
Quite... Quite dainty.
'A supercharged vodka, especially bottled for this great day, keeps the 200 guests going.
'And going!'
This is supposed to be a bit of a comedy performance, or is it supposed to be serious?!
We also have wedding vodka.
What is wedding vodka? Is it different from normal vodka?
It's much stronger, I have to say. It's almost 90%.
This is what these people have been drinking
for the last six hours? Yes. Two bottles per head.
Wow. They prepared 1,600 bottles for this wedding.
And they come back tomorrow, don't they, some of them? Two more days.
Tomorrow is the after-party,
and the day after tomorrow is another after-party.
They have to drink all those bottles they prepared.
They know how to get married, these Poles, don't they?
'I'm very happy for Marius and Berta.
'This is a night they will never forget.
'And probably never remember!
'I'm in the gorge of the Dunajec River,
'which, after my long journey through the country,
'will take me out of Poland.
'And as I've learnt here in the Tatras,
'mountain people have a special way of doing things.'
THEY SING
Well, this for me is the last of Poland.
And I mean literally the last of Poland,
because this river marks the southern border of the country.
So it's farewell and thank you for everything to Poland,
and...here we come Slovakia!