1 00:00:59,614 --> 00:01:05,325 Oh, Michael! Good morning, my dear friend! 2 00:01:05,494 --> 00:01:07,724 Welcome to my Leningrad. 3 00:01:07,894 --> 00:01:11,204 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 4 00:01:14,294 --> 00:01:17,047 I think I recognise you. 5 00:01:17,214 --> 00:01:20,251 Let me take your temperature. 6 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:23,565 You are alive! This is extraordinary. 7 00:01:23,734 --> 00:01:26,646 Thanks for welcoming me to your city. 8 00:01:26,814 --> 00:01:31,649 Alexander Godkov is a Lenin impersonator. Not everyone appreciates this. 9 00:01:31,814 --> 00:01:36,092 (THEY ARGUE IN RUSSIAN) 10 00:01:38,174 --> 00:01:41,530 But the younger Leningraders don't seem to bat an eyelid. 11 00:01:41,694 --> 00:01:45,653 Imitating Communism's patron saint would recently have been treason. 12 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:52,049 To add insult to injury, 52% of the city has just voted to change the name back to St Petersburg. 13 00:02:01,854 --> 00:02:04,322 You're trusted to stamp your own ticket. 14 00:02:04,494 --> 00:02:09,648 I'm glad to say technology hasn't taken over from brute forcel 15 00:02:11,574 --> 00:02:13,212 Sit there. 16 00:02:15,934 --> 00:02:20,132 Tickets are ten kopeks each. That's practically a free ride. 17 00:02:22,014 --> 00:02:27,372 - Is this all over Leningrad? - Yes, always. 18 00:02:27,534 --> 00:02:30,367 A tram-rover. 19 00:02:31,374 --> 00:02:35,287 (BRASS BAND PLAYS "1812 OVERTURE") 20 00:02:35,454 --> 00:02:40,289 There is money in Leningrad, much of it relieved from tourists ingeniously. 21 00:02:40,454 --> 00:02:42,922 This is one of the most agreeable ways. 22 00:02:43,094 --> 00:02:48,805 Musicians, often from top orchestras, play guests into their hotels. 23 00:02:54,894 --> 00:02:59,445 I get on well with Alexander, or Sasha, as he now insists I call him. 24 00:02:59,614 --> 00:03:01,605 We agree to meet again. 25 00:03:01,774 --> 00:03:06,609 I'm sure he thinks I'm a Michael Palin impersonator! 26 00:03:14,894 --> 00:03:17,169 They're there again next morning, 27 00:03:17,334 --> 00:03:23,967 but I'm so preoccupied with finding my way round, they don't even get a kopek! 28 00:03:24,134 --> 00:03:27,490 (MUSIC INDICATES THEIR DISPLEASURE) 29 00:03:28,614 --> 00:03:32,368 Sasha has agreed to give me the Lenin city tour. 30 00:03:32,534 --> 00:03:37,608 He returned to this station from exile to organise the revolution. 31 00:03:37,774 --> 00:03:40,925 30 April 1917. 32 00:03:41,094 --> 00:03:44,211 - April 1917, when you came back. - Yes. 33 00:03:44,374 --> 00:03:47,207 This... Many, many people. 34 00:03:47,374 --> 00:03:50,366 - They are all gathered. - Yes. 35 00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:54,163 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 36 00:04:00,054 --> 00:04:02,363 Then that was it. 37 00:04:03,494 --> 00:04:06,133 I recognised the "Bolshevik" word. 38 00:04:06,294 --> 00:04:09,764 You had a big coat on. It was very cold. 39 00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:15,206 Among the great man's most enthusiastic supporters 40 00:04:15,374 --> 00:04:19,287 were the sailors on board the cruiser Aurora. 41 00:04:20,574 --> 00:04:25,011 The Aurora survives almost exactly where she was in 0ctober 1917 42 00:04:25,174 --> 00:04:28,405 when a single shot was fired from this cannon. 43 00:04:28,574 --> 00:04:34,126 It was just what the Bolsheviks had been waiting for. Cut to the Winter Palace. 44 00:04:35,134 --> 00:04:39,207 So they heard the gun from the Aurora, the sailors and the army, 45 00:04:39,374 --> 00:04:43,083 they came across the square and stormed these gates. 46 00:04:45,134 --> 00:04:48,331 They couldn't have made it much easier. 47 00:04:48,494 --> 00:04:52,407 The gates are a fine example of a Baroque climbing frame! 48 00:04:52,574 --> 00:04:54,724 A great moment for you. 49 00:04:54,894 --> 00:04:57,966 What a year for you! What a year! 50 00:04:58,134 --> 00:05:01,206 They look easy gates to climb. 51 00:05:01,374 --> 00:05:04,047 Quickly, quickly. 52 00:05:05,414 --> 00:05:09,771 Here's a branch of John Lewis! What's that doing there? 53 00:05:14,294 --> 00:05:18,287 I leave Lenin to savour his triumphs and head further back into history, 54 00:05:18,454 --> 00:05:25,724 to 1703, when Peter the Great ordered a swamp to be turned into this grand European city. 55 00:05:31,694 --> 00:05:35,528 Composers and writers used these canals for inspiration. 56 00:05:35,694 --> 00:05:39,687 Disgruntled aristocrats used them for drowning Rasputin. 57 00:05:39,854 --> 00:05:46,851 Uh-oh. These people have been tipped off that there's a Michael Palin impersonator in town. 58 00:05:47,934 --> 00:05:50,607 We pass on under Nevsky Prospekt, 59 00:05:50,774 --> 00:05:55,211 the street that has always been the heart of this city's life. 60 00:06:01,894 --> 00:06:06,126 I'm heading for a monument to a Russian hero even greater than Lenin 61 00:06:06,294 --> 00:06:09,445 and Peter the already Great. 62 00:06:13,014 --> 00:06:18,372 Alexander Nevsky defeated the Swedes in an epic battle in the year 1240. 63 00:06:18,534 --> 00:06:21,970 Peter ordered this monastery to be built in his name. 64 00:06:22,134 --> 00:06:25,285 (CHANTING) 65 00:06:27,174 --> 00:06:30,723 Religion in Russia is no longer an undercover activity. 66 00:06:30,894 --> 00:06:34,807 Churches are reopening and attendances booming. 67 00:06:42,094 --> 00:06:45,211 This may look like an obscure Russian party game, 68 00:06:45,374 --> 00:06:50,050 but it is in fact one of the increasingly popular christening ceremonies. 69 00:06:50,214 --> 00:06:55,004 They're not just for babies but people of all ages. 70 00:06:55,174 --> 00:06:59,087 I wasn't aware of all this when, to be respectful, 71 00:06:59,254 --> 00:07:02,371 I simply did what everyone else was doing. 72 00:07:07,254 --> 00:07:10,564 "Michael Palin impersonator!" 73 00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:14,522 (RECITES IN RUSSIAN) 74 00:07:25,454 --> 00:07:28,048 I don't know what's going on! 75 00:07:28,214 --> 00:07:32,366 Not wanting to stand out, I achieve precisely the opposite effect! 76 00:07:32,534 --> 00:07:35,094 The service grinds to a halt around me. 77 00:07:35,254 --> 00:07:37,324 The priest is very sympathetic, 78 00:07:37,494 --> 00:07:42,284 but I only just avoid being inducted into the Russian 0rthodox Church! 79 00:07:42,454 --> 00:07:49,246 No, it's all right. No, I understand. Tell him I understand. I will listen. 80 00:07:53,454 --> 00:07:56,446 My reprieve comes not a moment too soon. 81 00:07:56,614 --> 00:08:00,050 The priest dons another outfit 82 00:08:00,214 --> 00:08:03,684 and I can only speculate what my fate might have been. 83 00:08:03,854 --> 00:08:06,732 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 84 00:08:37,574 --> 00:08:40,611 Exhausted by my near-christening experience, 85 00:08:40,774 --> 00:08:45,211 I take refuge in the Tikhvin cemetery, where lie the greats of Russian culture. 86 00:08:45,374 --> 00:08:48,730 If you're immortal, you'll have been buried here. 87 00:08:48,894 --> 00:08:52,648 Fyodor Dostoyevsky. Fyodra. 88 00:08:52,814 --> 00:08:58,093 How did you cope with it? All the book signings, press launches? 89 00:08:58,254 --> 00:09:00,529 What did you write? 90 00:09:00,694 --> 00:09:05,449 "Sincerely yours. Sorry about the sad bits. 91 00:09:05,614 --> 00:09:09,129 "Sorry it's a bit gloomy. Yours, Fyodor." 92 00:09:09,294 --> 00:09:13,731 "Pole To Pole" - good title? I thought as much. 93 00:09:13,894 --> 00:09:16,567 "Death At The Poles"? 94 00:09:16,734 --> 00:09:20,488 "Having A Miserable Time At The Pole"? 95 00:09:20,654 --> 00:09:22,929 He wasn't much help! 96 00:09:23,094 --> 00:09:26,131 I went to see Rimsky-Korsakov. 97 00:09:26,294 --> 00:09:29,923 (MUSIC: "FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLE BEE" BY RIMSKY-KORSAKOV) 98 00:09:38,174 --> 00:09:43,806 There's an outstanding concentration of great and defunct tunesmiths here. 99 00:09:43,974 --> 00:09:47,284 Here's Mussorgsky, with his music written on his tombstone. 100 00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:51,811 (MUSIC: "PICTURES AT AN EXHIBITION" BY MUSSORGSKY) 101 00:09:57,654 --> 00:10:03,012 Behind Borodin's ear, a few chiselled bars remind us what he bequeathed to the world. 102 00:10:03,174 --> 00:10:09,966 # Hold my hand, I'm a stranger in paradise # 103 00:10:15,174 --> 00:10:19,725 (MUSIC: "PRINCE IGOR" BY BORODIN) 104 00:10:21,734 --> 00:10:27,331 Surrounded by begonias and wrought iron is the greatest of them all - 105 00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:29,928 Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky. 106 00:10:30,094 --> 00:10:34,451 If he'd lived as long as his music, he'd be 151. 107 00:10:34,614 --> 00:10:38,493 (MUSIC: "1812 OVERTURE" BY TCHAIKOVSKY) 108 00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:16,971 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 109 00:11:18,454 --> 00:11:22,333 It's one of the city's greatest honours to fire the noonday gun. 110 00:11:22,494 --> 00:11:27,568 I waited for a revolution to start... but nothing happened! 111 00:11:29,094 --> 00:11:31,813 This is the Harrods food hall of Leningrad. 112 00:11:31,974 --> 00:11:35,330 Food has come direct from private farms. 113 00:11:38,534 --> 00:11:42,322 It's expensive, as I find when I buy some pears. 114 00:11:42,494 --> 00:11:45,247 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 115 00:11:45,414 --> 00:11:47,974 - Kilogram? - Kilogram? 116 00:11:48,134 --> 00:11:51,843 Er, I want about um... six. 117 00:11:52,014 --> 00:11:54,574 (THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN) 118 00:11:55,654 --> 00:11:59,408 Six bits. Good. Sem. 119 00:11:59,574 --> 00:12:01,166 Sem is actually "seven". 120 00:12:01,334 --> 00:12:03,689 They cost me 15 roubles. 121 00:12:03,854 --> 00:12:07,529 At the time, the average weekly wage was 70 roubles, 122 00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:13,291 which is why there were so many people outside trying to raise some kopeks. 123 00:12:26,414 --> 00:12:31,727 Compared to "Harrods Food Hall", the state supermarket is cheaper and more hygienic, 124 00:12:31,894 --> 00:12:35,204 but largely uncontaminated by food. 125 00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:39,563 However, today there's a bustle. 126 00:12:39,734 --> 00:12:42,726 A consignment of Buffalo Brown vodka has arrived. 127 00:12:42,894 --> 00:12:46,330 Since the anti-alcohol laws, a bottle is a prized possession. 128 00:12:46,494 --> 00:12:50,692 (THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN) 129 00:12:53,414 --> 00:12:56,008 I have money, but it's not that simple. 130 00:12:56,174 --> 00:12:59,371 "Vodka by coupon." 131 00:12:59,534 --> 00:13:02,412 Maybe I could buy a coupon? 132 00:13:04,294 --> 00:13:07,047 - How much? - I not sell. 133 00:13:07,214 --> 00:13:10,843 No? How am I going to get some coupons? 134 00:13:14,814 --> 00:13:17,886 If I have a coupon I can get some. 135 00:13:20,694 --> 00:13:25,404 Well, the problem is that you have to buy a coupon first. 136 00:13:25,574 --> 00:13:30,853 I've got to find a coupon. I'll find that man and offer him my pears. 137 00:13:31,014 --> 00:13:32,527 I'll try. 138 00:13:32,694 --> 00:13:36,323 This is becoming like a sketch I was once in. 139 00:13:36,494 --> 00:13:39,167 For coupon, read parrot. 140 00:13:41,534 --> 00:13:43,331 Miss? 141 00:13:44,334 --> 00:13:46,052 Hello? Miss? 142 00:13:49,774 --> 00:13:55,644 Miss seems to be absent, so I think that's the end of the vodka hunt. 143 00:13:55,814 --> 00:13:59,250 I can do without it. I d-d-don't n-n-need it! 144 00:14:01,934 --> 00:14:05,973 About to give up, I meet someone who'll risk the wrath of the law 145 00:14:06,134 --> 00:14:08,932 by selling me a coupon in public. 146 00:14:09,094 --> 00:14:12,643 (SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 147 00:14:12,814 --> 00:14:15,612 Vosem is eight. 148 00:14:15,774 --> 00:14:19,005 A coupon for one bottle costs eight roubles, 149 00:14:19,174 --> 00:14:23,292 about half the cost of my rapidly disintegrating bag of pears. 150 00:14:23,454 --> 00:14:26,605 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 151 00:14:26,774 --> 00:14:31,165 She sounds happy, anyway. I now can get my vodka. 152 00:14:31,334 --> 00:14:32,687 Hello, miss. 153 00:14:32,854 --> 00:14:34,845 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 154 00:14:35,014 --> 00:14:36,606 What? 155 00:14:36,774 --> 00:14:40,005 - Kassir. - Cash? 156 00:14:40,174 --> 00:14:42,813 Kassir. Kassir. 157 00:14:42,974 --> 00:14:47,206 I now have a coupon, but I still can't buy the vodka. 158 00:14:47,374 --> 00:14:51,526 A kind gentlemen explains I have to pay elsewhere. 159 00:14:51,694 --> 00:14:54,686 I join another queue at the cashier's. 160 00:14:56,934 --> 00:14:58,413 Cash. 161 00:14:58,574 --> 00:15:00,849 Right. There we are. 162 00:15:01,854 --> 00:15:03,765 Ten... 163 00:15:03,934 --> 00:15:05,731 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 164 00:15:05,894 --> 00:15:08,727 Can I have a bag? 165 00:15:10,814 --> 00:15:13,203 Yeah? That's right? 166 00:15:13,374 --> 00:15:15,649 Ah, that's it. 167 00:15:15,814 --> 00:15:18,169 - (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) - Thank you. 168 00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:21,849 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 169 00:15:22,014 --> 00:15:24,323 Can I have a bag? 170 00:15:24,494 --> 00:15:28,043 40 kopeks for a bag. 171 00:15:28,774 --> 00:15:31,049 There we are. 172 00:15:31,214 --> 00:15:34,365 No, keep the change. It's for you. 173 00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:37,970 It's a mistake to offer a shop assistant money! 174 00:15:38,134 --> 00:15:41,604 My retail therapist goes to the cashier for me. 175 00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:45,528 40 kopeks is about a quarter of a penny. 176 00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:49,164 There's my bottle. I'll put those in there. 177 00:15:49,334 --> 00:15:51,290 There we are. 178 00:15:51,454 --> 00:15:56,369 What a man needs after a long day buying vodka is a bottle of vodka! 179 00:15:56,534 --> 00:16:01,130 Er, have you a bottle opener? Only joking! 180 00:16:02,494 --> 00:16:06,806 Unable to face more shopping, I climb to the top of St Isaac's Cathedral, 181 00:16:06,974 --> 00:16:12,492 where the sound of street orchestras and a fine view can be obtained without coupons. 182 00:16:14,094 --> 00:16:17,291 I like Leningrad. It's a proud survivor of a city. 183 00:16:17,454 --> 00:16:20,014 Now that communism is slackening off, 184 00:16:20,174 --> 00:16:25,043 you can't help feeling things must improve. 185 00:16:34,654 --> 00:16:37,532 But things haven't improved for everyone. 186 00:16:37,694 --> 00:16:42,768 In a Leningrad studio, a theatre has been assembled from pieces of scrap. 187 00:16:42,934 --> 00:16:48,645 Elaborate machines and figures animate to tell satirical and subversive stories. 188 00:16:50,894 --> 00:16:54,853 But since glasnost, the audience for this sort of thing has dwindled. 189 00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:59,371 The machines now make their protest to empty rooms. 190 00:17:20,694 --> 00:17:24,812 Stalin wields his axe amongst a crowd of goblins and hobgoblins 191 00:17:24,974 --> 00:17:28,762 whilst Lenin rants and raves from his pulpit. 192 00:17:28,934 --> 00:17:31,971 This was once very strong stuff. 193 00:17:51,374 --> 00:17:55,572 It's fascinating, but it's time to be moving on. 194 00:17:58,374 --> 00:18:02,526 The morning bus to Novgorod, 120 miles to the south. 195 00:18:07,214 --> 00:18:12,129 I'm touched that Lenin has taken time off to come and say goodbye. 196 00:18:19,374 --> 00:18:23,287 Then off he goes, probably to brush up his Yeltsin! 197 00:18:30,254 --> 00:18:34,566 We head south along major highways and major tests of suspension. 198 00:18:34,734 --> 00:18:40,092 This is the main road between Leningrad and Moscow, Russia's M1. 199 00:18:41,094 --> 00:18:44,086 We have an important deadline to meet. 200 00:18:44,254 --> 00:18:48,327 The last sailing of the season across the Black Sea. 201 00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:53,614 Ahead of us we still have Kiev and 0dessa, but first, Novgorod. 202 00:18:53,774 --> 00:18:58,290 Novgorod, which means "new town", is the oldest city in Russia. 203 00:18:58,454 --> 00:19:03,164 It's twinned with Watford. It even has its own gap! 204 00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:11,329 Watford and Novgorod have been together for eight years. 205 00:19:11,494 --> 00:19:17,012 Novgorod has not been faithful. She's twinned up with at least six other cities! 206 00:19:24,174 --> 00:19:27,086 I've been told there's a film industry here. 207 00:19:27,254 --> 00:19:33,329 As we don't have one in England any more, I go and see the Russian recipe for success. 208 00:19:35,494 --> 00:19:38,611 There's certainly no over-manning! 209 00:19:40,974 --> 00:19:43,886 (THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN) 210 00:19:52,974 --> 00:19:58,287 I can't quite work out what sort of film it is. A remake of "From Here To Eternity"? 211 00:19:58,454 --> 00:20:01,685 "20,000 Millimetres Under The Sea"? 212 00:20:18,454 --> 00:20:21,890 It turns out to be a film about crayfish. 213 00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:24,887 They're still doing the auditions! 214 00:20:25,054 --> 00:20:27,693 The director is Edward Ranenko. 215 00:20:27,854 --> 00:20:31,893 (THEY GREET EACH OTHER IN RUSSIAN) 216 00:20:37,174 --> 00:20:40,450 - I no speak English! - Then we'll get on fine! 217 00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:43,765 Can I watch what you're doing? 218 00:20:43,934 --> 00:20:47,131 (HE REPLIES IN RUSSIAN) 219 00:20:49,454 --> 00:20:52,526 Things are happening in the water? 220 00:20:52,694 --> 00:20:55,891 I'll watch what you're doing. 221 00:21:01,134 --> 00:21:06,128 Ranenko saw me for a man who'll do anything provided he doesn't understand it. 222 00:21:06,294 --> 00:21:11,527 After seconds of tough negotiation, I'm offered the part of Frogman's Hand. 223 00:21:13,134 --> 00:21:17,093 It's a bit of overkill for a crayfish, but still... 224 00:21:17,254 --> 00:21:19,484 Ah... So. 225 00:21:20,974 --> 00:21:23,534 Ready? Call "Action"? 226 00:21:25,374 --> 00:21:28,013 Is that "Action"? 227 00:21:38,054 --> 00:21:40,727 I've blown it. 228 00:21:40,894 --> 00:21:43,806 Overacting? Oh, down there. 229 00:21:43,974 --> 00:21:46,442 That's a big one. 230 00:21:46,614 --> 00:21:49,845 OK. As quickly as that? Yeah? 231 00:21:51,414 --> 00:21:54,133 Are you filming? 232 00:22:05,014 --> 00:22:06,732 OK? 233 00:22:07,654 --> 00:22:11,567 Well, that was a moment of film history. 234 00:22:13,014 --> 00:22:16,290 I've now got three more weeks to get out of this! 235 00:22:39,534 --> 00:22:43,493 Now I know what my mother went through! Thank you! 236 00:22:47,094 --> 00:22:52,612 My reward for acting with the crayfish was to eat her that evening, 237 00:22:52,774 --> 00:22:58,770 along with samogon, Edward's own vodka produced illegally in his garage. 238 00:22:58,934 --> 00:23:02,370 Edward's distillation process, like his filming, 239 00:23:02,534 --> 00:23:06,322 is a triumph of ingenuity over availability. 240 00:23:06,494 --> 00:23:11,568 An old steriliser from a hospital acts as a still to boil grain, yeast and sugar 241 00:23:11,734 --> 00:23:16,808 into a mixture which he promises will not give me a headache in the morning. 242 00:23:19,174 --> 00:23:22,610 Ah, this is what you get up to in your garage. 243 00:23:24,294 --> 00:23:27,206 What are the little bits in it? 244 00:23:27,374 --> 00:23:30,650 Slivers of garlic fortify the vodka. 245 00:23:30,814 --> 00:23:33,169 Here goesl 246 00:23:33,334 --> 00:23:37,532 (OFFERS A TOAST IN RUSSIAN) 247 00:23:42,254 --> 00:23:46,566 The first toast is to the guest. Edward welcomes me to his country 248 00:23:46,734 --> 00:23:51,762 and drinks to the day when they can all go to my country and taste my home brew. 249 00:23:51,934 --> 00:23:56,769 (THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN) 250 00:24:01,854 --> 00:24:04,004 Mmm! Excellent! 251 00:24:04,174 --> 00:24:07,689 - Very happy to be here, Edward! - Nyet! 252 00:24:12,614 --> 00:24:16,971 I'm not a vodka drinker, so I've got a lot to get used to. 253 00:24:17,134 --> 00:24:21,650 I drink Coca-Cola, but not vodka. You tried to fool me with that bottle! 254 00:24:21,814 --> 00:24:25,966 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 255 00:24:30,534 --> 00:24:34,129 Wonderful things are happening to my body! 256 00:24:34,294 --> 00:24:36,888 (SECOND TOAST IN RUSSIAN) 257 00:24:37,054 --> 00:24:38,692 Thank you. 258 00:24:38,854 --> 00:24:42,085 I suspect that was a toast to crayfish. 259 00:24:42,254 --> 00:24:44,893 The second toast follows briskly 260 00:24:45,054 --> 00:24:49,923 and Russian hospitality begins its slow assault on the brain cells. 261 00:24:50,094 --> 00:24:53,086 You didn't give your life in vain! 262 00:24:57,294 --> 00:24:59,967 Ah! That's terrific! 263 00:25:00,134 --> 00:25:03,524 - OK? - Yeah, fine! 264 00:25:03,694 --> 00:25:08,814 Now I know why he made the furniture look like this! Too much vodka! 265 00:25:08,974 --> 00:25:13,570 Only a vodka freak could design things like this! 266 00:25:14,974 --> 00:25:17,534 I'm fine! 267 00:25:18,414 --> 00:25:22,373 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 268 00:25:22,534 --> 00:25:28,484 Well, I should like to propose a toast to the Soviet government 269 00:25:28,654 --> 00:25:32,203 whose attempt to stop people drinking vodka 270 00:25:32,374 --> 00:25:39,052 has resulted in Edward going into his garage and producing this beverage! 271 00:25:39,214 --> 00:25:41,603 (REPLIES IN RUSSIAN) 272 00:25:41,774 --> 00:25:44,368 The Soviet government! 273 00:25:44,534 --> 00:25:48,368 And governments who do silly things everywhere! 274 00:25:48,534 --> 00:25:51,606 (CHATTER IN RUSSIAN) 275 00:25:51,774 --> 00:25:53,253 Ah! 276 00:25:55,494 --> 00:25:59,612 It gets better. A little bit better each time. 277 00:25:59,774 --> 00:26:02,049 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 278 00:26:02,214 --> 00:26:05,206 Isn't it time for another toast? Sorry! 279 00:26:05,374 --> 00:26:11,051 I've had enough toasts to last me a lifetime. Who wants to make a speech? 280 00:26:11,214 --> 00:26:13,489 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 281 00:26:13,654 --> 00:26:18,853 Let's toast the fish. Why not? Toast the ketchup. I'm game for anything. 282 00:26:19,014 --> 00:26:21,767 (MAN SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 283 00:26:21,934 --> 00:26:24,607 Wonderful people, they really are! 284 00:26:24,774 --> 00:26:27,368 (CONTINUES IN RUSSIAN) 285 00:26:30,294 --> 00:26:32,888 Well, cheers! 286 00:26:33,054 --> 00:26:35,010 Thank you! 287 00:26:35,174 --> 00:26:38,849 (EDWARD SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 288 00:26:39,014 --> 00:26:40,845 Ah. Right. 289 00:26:48,334 --> 00:26:50,609 Now I can eat the fish. 290 00:26:54,254 --> 00:26:57,166 Can I wear a rubber suit now, please? 291 00:26:57,334 --> 00:27:00,406 (MEN CHATTER IN RUSSIAN) 292 00:27:04,814 --> 00:27:07,282 - That's good? - At least! 293 00:27:07,454 --> 00:27:10,491 There's an enormous interest in this! 294 00:27:10,654 --> 00:27:12,929 (TOAST IN RUSSIAN) 295 00:27:13,094 --> 00:27:16,882 This is a toast to me raising my right arm! 296 00:27:17,054 --> 00:27:22,003 Oh, beautiful. Lovely. Have you ever done brain surgery? 297 00:27:22,174 --> 00:27:25,484 (TALK CONTINUES IN RUSSIAN) 298 00:27:36,014 --> 00:27:38,289 OK. Here we go. 299 00:27:39,934 --> 00:27:42,892 By my count, that's number 23! 300 00:27:43,054 --> 00:27:46,808 Funny how you get used to anything, really! 301 00:27:53,134 --> 00:27:56,285 After the vodka, I had a strange dream. 302 00:27:56,454 --> 00:27:59,571 I was in a big car clutching a speech. 303 00:27:59,734 --> 00:28:02,487 I seemed to be on an important mission. 304 00:28:13,254 --> 00:28:16,485 (THEY SING IN RUSSIAN) 305 00:28:18,734 --> 00:28:22,522 Young children serenaded me with folk songs 306 00:28:22,694 --> 00:28:27,688 as I strode into the main square to meet the mayor of Novgorod. 307 00:28:27,854 --> 00:28:31,051 I realised that this was my moment in history. 308 00:28:31,214 --> 00:28:36,049 (INTRODUCES PALIN IN RUSSIAN) 309 00:28:36,214 --> 00:28:37,852 (PALIN REPLIES IN RUSSIAN) 310 00:28:41,734 --> 00:28:44,487 "We, the people of your twin town of Watford, 311 00:28:44,654 --> 00:28:49,011 "take this opportunity to send our warmest greetings. 312 00:28:49,174 --> 00:28:53,326 "We believe the link of friendship between Watford and Novgorod, 313 00:28:53,494 --> 00:28:57,123 "formed in 1984, has been of great mutual benefit. 314 00:28:57,294 --> 00:29:02,163 "Many ordinary people, including sportsmen and women, students, dancers, 315 00:29:02,334 --> 00:29:06,373 "children, families, environmentalists and actors 316 00:29:06,534 --> 00:29:12,166 "have had the opportunity to visit a town and a country previously unknown to them. 317 00:29:12,334 --> 00:29:18,489 "We are sure that the bond between our towns will continue to grow and flourish. 318 00:29:19,454 --> 00:29:23,049 "We look forward to the day when every school and organisation 319 00:29:23,214 --> 00:29:28,607 "in Novgorod and in Watford can contribute to the development of our links. 320 00:29:28,774 --> 00:29:33,450 "We wish you success in your work to increase international understanding." 321 00:29:33,614 --> 00:29:35,969 (PALIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 322 00:29:36,134 --> 00:29:41,925 We would like to give you a present on behalf of the people of Watford. 323 00:29:42,094 --> 00:29:43,971 Thank you. 324 00:29:44,134 --> 00:29:45,613 Thank you. 325 00:29:52,734 --> 00:29:57,091 - This is our souvenir. - That's beautiful. 326 00:29:57,254 --> 00:30:01,133 - Novgorod, Watford. - There we go. Marvellous. 327 00:30:01,294 --> 00:30:03,762 Thank you very much, Mayor. 328 00:30:05,334 --> 00:30:10,613 I thought this strange dream was over, but I'd reckoned without the folk dancers. 329 00:30:12,214 --> 00:30:17,732 I found myself jumping on some Russians, being kissed by a strange lady 330 00:30:17,894 --> 00:30:20,647 and thrust into some sort of circle. 331 00:30:22,054 --> 00:30:25,933 This would never have happened in Watford! 332 00:30:50,134 --> 00:30:52,489 How many? More? More! 333 00:30:52,654 --> 00:30:56,647 Just as I was beginning to enjoy myself, I woke up. 334 00:30:58,134 --> 00:31:00,443 (TRAIN WHISTLES) 335 00:31:00,614 --> 00:31:06,007 It's half past one in the morning at Dno station, north-west Russia. 336 00:31:06,174 --> 00:31:12,090 Er, the literal Russian translation of Dno is actually "the bottom". 337 00:31:12,254 --> 00:31:17,282 So you could say after four weeks of travelling we've reached the bottom! 338 00:31:17,454 --> 00:31:23,643 But things should get better from now on because this is the Leningrad-Kiev Express 339 00:31:23,814 --> 00:31:29,684 which will take us 1,000 kilometres further south in 19 hours tomorrow. 340 00:31:29,854 --> 00:31:34,006 Dno station is known not only for its fantastic nightlife, 341 00:31:34,174 --> 00:31:43,003 but also because this was the station where the last tsar of Russia, Nicholas II, abdicated in 1917. 342 00:31:43,174 --> 00:31:46,086 This is where the tsar decided to call it a day, 343 00:31:46,254 --> 00:31:50,327 and I can understand, having been here for an hour myself. 344 00:31:50,494 --> 00:31:55,488 So I'd better get on the train. So had you. Come on! 345 00:32:00,174 --> 00:32:03,928 Next morning, we're in Belorussia, White Russia. 346 00:32:04,094 --> 00:32:07,564 50 years ago, these were the killing fields of Europe. 347 00:32:07,734 --> 00:32:12,125 Two million Belorussians lost their lives in the Second World War. 348 00:32:12,294 --> 00:32:15,411 Now they talk of independence, as do the Ukrainians. 349 00:32:15,574 --> 00:32:21,604 Vadim Castelli learned English from listening to "The Voice 0f America". 350 00:32:21,774 --> 00:32:24,368 I see Ukrainian history being revived. 351 00:32:24,534 --> 00:32:30,723 I see Ukrainian culture, the culture which many people thought was gone. 352 00:32:30,894 --> 00:32:35,092 Now we're getting back to our roots. There is so much to do here. 353 00:32:35,254 --> 00:32:39,293 If one feels Ukrainian, if one feels it's one's roots, 354 00:32:39,454 --> 00:32:44,369 this is a very exciting period to live through in our history. 355 00:33:10,574 --> 00:33:14,772 - Are we in the Ukraine yet? - Yeah. This is Ukraine. 356 00:33:14,934 --> 00:33:20,008 - Let's drink to being in the Ukraine. - Thank you. To the Ukraine. 357 00:33:20,974 --> 00:33:24,808 (PALIN) It's a rich... People say the bread basket of Russia. 358 00:33:24,974 --> 00:33:29,365 What's the food gonna be like in the Ukraine? 359 00:33:29,534 --> 00:33:35,484 Well, even despite the 75 years of the Soviet regime, it's still quite a rich land. 360 00:33:36,894 --> 00:33:40,091 When I start thinking about the land... 361 00:33:40,254 --> 00:33:46,011 It would be so rich if it were not for the Bolsheviks first, 362 00:33:46,174 --> 00:33:48,608 for Chernobyl... 363 00:33:50,214 --> 00:33:52,489 Despite what Vadim says, 364 00:33:52,654 --> 00:33:57,330 these ominous shadows seem to have left little mark on the countryside. 365 00:33:57,494 --> 00:34:01,203 But you can't take anything for granted in this country. 366 00:34:01,374 --> 00:34:06,368 Just as I was having lovely dreams of breaking my day's fast 367 00:34:06,534 --> 00:34:10,004 at one of the best restaurants in Kiev, 368 00:34:10,174 --> 00:34:13,564 in the bread basket of Russia, the Ukraine, 369 00:34:13,734 --> 00:34:20,287 we've had a bit of bad luck with the train and we're going to be stopped in the forest. 370 00:34:20,454 --> 00:34:25,767 I think they've invaded someone's house and are looting their water. 371 00:34:25,934 --> 00:34:30,166 I'll go and do a bit of looting and pillaging. 372 00:34:33,374 --> 00:34:36,366 The two-hour delay turns into a party. 373 00:34:43,974 --> 00:34:48,126 A nearby lake becomes an impromptu holiday camp. 374 00:34:56,094 --> 00:34:58,972 These passengers know how to have a good time. 375 00:34:59,134 --> 00:35:02,604 Could you imagine this happening on the 7.53 to Victoria? 376 00:35:07,334 --> 00:35:10,246 There you go, Mr Johnson! 377 00:35:12,374 --> 00:35:16,970 You can feel the disappointment when it's time for the train to move on. 378 00:35:18,414 --> 00:35:20,609 This plant is wormwood. 379 00:35:20,774 --> 00:35:24,608 The Book of Revelations tells of a poisonous star called wormwood 380 00:35:24,774 --> 00:35:28,892 which at Judgement Day will fall to earth, infecting the waters. 381 00:35:29,054 --> 00:35:32,683 The Ukrainian word for wormwood is Chernobyl. 382 00:35:33,534 --> 00:35:36,173 It grows abundantly here in Narodichi, 383 00:35:36,334 --> 00:35:41,044 only 40 miles from the scene of the world's worst nuclear accident. 384 00:35:41,214 --> 00:35:44,286 Vadim... Patti... 385 00:35:44,454 --> 00:35:47,491 Fraser and Michael. 386 00:35:47,654 --> 00:35:50,771 Carry this one. If it emits a loud wail, 387 00:35:50,934 --> 00:35:54,529 get out of the area 'cause it means it's a hot spot. 388 00:35:54,694 --> 00:35:57,288 - Is it on? - Turn it on there. 389 00:35:58,614 --> 00:36:03,642 No one knows how dangerous this area is, but none of our Russian guides would come. 390 00:36:03,814 --> 00:36:07,284 0nly Vadim would join me. 391 00:36:08,454 --> 00:36:11,207 This maternity hospital was closed 392 00:36:11,374 --> 00:36:16,573 when the village it served was declared unsafe for human habitation last year, 393 00:36:16,734 --> 00:36:19,646 four years after the disaster. 394 00:36:24,094 --> 00:36:30,852 Equipment, notices, even medical records remain here untouched, tainted. 395 00:36:34,614 --> 00:36:38,607 The poison that infects these ghost villages is invisible. 396 00:36:38,774 --> 00:36:43,450 But, as happened outside this old village shop, it can be heard. 397 00:36:44,694 --> 00:36:47,891 (BEEPER) 398 00:36:52,414 --> 00:36:56,805 0n our way out, we catch sight of the only people we've seen all day. 399 00:36:56,974 --> 00:36:58,885 The old lady is 90. 400 00:36:59,054 --> 00:37:03,286 (VADIM TRANSLATES) I feel sick. My daughter is sick. Only we are left. 401 00:37:03,454 --> 00:37:07,049 (SHE SPEAKS UKRAINIAN) 402 00:37:16,454 --> 00:37:21,369 (VADIM) I wish I could die in my own house, but it's fenced off. 403 00:37:21,534 --> 00:37:25,812 The windows are broken and I can't stay there any longer. 404 00:37:25,974 --> 00:37:30,286 I keep moving from one house to another. Just like that. 405 00:37:30,454 --> 00:37:34,049 We're the only ones left. It's scary, but what can you do? 406 00:37:41,374 --> 00:37:43,490 Kiev, capital of the Ukraine, 407 00:37:43,654 --> 00:37:46,805 is the third-largest city of the Soviet Union. 408 00:37:46,974 --> 00:37:52,571 If the wind had blown from the north on 26th April 1986, it would be dead. 409 00:37:56,214 --> 00:38:00,765 As it is, 0ctober Revolution Square today is bright, busy and well kept. 410 00:38:00,934 --> 00:38:04,722 But it remains a place where Ukrainians go to be Ukrainian, 411 00:38:04,894 --> 00:38:08,250 to dwell on a sad past and an uncertain future. 412 00:38:08,414 --> 00:38:11,884 (SINGS UKRAINIAN SONG) 413 00:38:34,454 --> 00:38:39,482 Boris Antonienko sings Ukrainian songs, banned until recently. 414 00:38:39,654 --> 00:38:43,533 Songs like "The Mighty Dnieper". 415 00:39:00,894 --> 00:39:06,173 We've hitched a lift down the mighty Dnieper on the trading barge Katun. 416 00:39:06,334 --> 00:39:11,533 It was in the river here at Kiev 1,000 years ago that Christianity came to Russia. 417 00:39:11,694 --> 00:39:13,173 There was no option. 418 00:39:13,334 --> 00:39:16,929 Prince Vladimir had a baptism squad of Greek priests 419 00:39:17,094 --> 00:39:21,406 plunge the entire population into the water. 420 00:39:23,214 --> 00:39:27,253 Christian churches, lovingly restored, are the most striking buildings 421 00:39:27,414 --> 00:39:30,884 in a city that's been communist for 70 years. 422 00:39:31,054 --> 00:39:37,607 People still bathe in the Dnieper, only 55 miles downstream from Chernobyl. 423 00:39:38,694 --> 00:39:43,324 Below Kiev, the river has been swollen into a series of vast inland seas 424 00:39:43,494 --> 00:39:49,012 created by power-hungry administrators desperate for hydro-electricity. 425 00:39:52,774 --> 00:39:57,404 The pace may be leisurely, but Russian rivers are smoother than Russian roads, 426 00:39:57,574 --> 00:40:03,092 and all I can do is wait until the Dnieper becomes the Black Sea. 427 00:40:07,374 --> 00:40:10,764 The last 100 miles are difficult, I admit! 428 00:40:10,934 --> 00:40:15,086 But I keep pedalling, and after crossing 1,400 miles of Soviet Union, 429 00:40:15,254 --> 00:40:20,169 I reach the Black Sea shore at Arcadia Beach, 0dessa. 430 00:40:20,334 --> 00:40:22,609 But I'm just too late. 431 00:40:22,774 --> 00:40:25,811 There's not a single sunbed left! 432 00:40:37,454 --> 00:40:40,127 There are plenty of spaces at a nearby beach. 433 00:40:42,814 --> 00:40:46,853 Who are these people? Some sort of secret society? 434 00:40:47,014 --> 00:40:50,802 The hushed-up evidence of some Soviet sun cream disaster? 435 00:40:50,974 --> 00:40:54,808 Not a bit of it! They're here because they love mud! 436 00:40:54,974 --> 00:40:59,684 At the end of the day you go back and wash it all off? 437 00:40:59,854 --> 00:41:03,563 Yeah. Yeah... It doesn't look smart. 438 00:41:03,734 --> 00:41:06,726 This lady doctor regularly indulges. 439 00:41:06,894 --> 00:41:10,933 The marine deposits, she says, contain healing properties. 440 00:41:11,094 --> 00:41:13,688 It turns you into an active soul! 441 00:41:13,854 --> 00:41:16,846 Do you think I should try some myself? 442 00:41:17,014 --> 00:41:18,606 For me? 443 00:41:18,774 --> 00:41:22,733 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 444 00:41:22,894 --> 00:41:25,886 Oh, I see. Turns you into an athlete? 445 00:41:26,054 --> 00:41:28,284 I see. Yeah. 446 00:41:29,854 --> 00:41:32,288 Seeking the answer to anabolic steroids, 447 00:41:32,454 --> 00:41:35,332 I make my way to the Kuyalnik sanatorium, 448 00:41:35,494 --> 00:41:38,930 in Tsarist times the most fashionable resort in Russia. 449 00:41:39,094 --> 00:41:43,610 Now a little faded, but still dispensing the best mud in the country. 450 00:41:52,334 --> 00:41:57,010 The treatment room hovers uneasily between hospital and abattoir. 451 00:41:57,174 --> 00:42:02,202 There's a smell of rotten eggs from the sulphurous mud. 452 00:42:02,374 --> 00:42:05,093 What on earth is going on? 453 00:42:13,334 --> 00:42:17,122 Maybe it's a day-care centre for vampires! 454 00:42:17,294 --> 00:42:19,933 (WOMAN CALLS IN RUSSIAN) 455 00:42:20,094 --> 00:42:25,566 There's no escape now. "This", as they say in police dramas, "is my patch". 456 00:42:34,174 --> 00:42:37,166 The first surprise is that it's warm. 457 00:42:39,934 --> 00:42:42,004 Ahh, Bisto! 458 00:42:54,214 --> 00:42:59,493 No one's ever done this to me before. I suppose I've never asked them to! 459 00:43:09,734 --> 00:43:14,808 Feels like all the things you were told never to do in bed rolled into one! 460 00:43:14,974 --> 00:43:18,205 It's very nice and warm. Thank you. 461 00:43:20,534 --> 00:43:22,729 I may look like a sausage roll, 462 00:43:22,894 --> 00:43:26,887 but I've rarely tasted such primal, illicit contentment. 463 00:43:27,054 --> 00:43:29,124 Not much I can do now! 464 00:43:38,094 --> 00:43:40,244 Time up? Finished? 465 00:43:42,534 --> 00:43:46,368 After 20 minutes, it's time to be unwrapped. 466 00:43:53,134 --> 00:43:56,524 I can't imagine I shall ever be clean again! 467 00:43:56,694 --> 00:43:59,288 This is a job for "Dyno-Rod"! 468 00:44:03,214 --> 00:44:08,208 Next morning, with a spring in my step and mud in all sorts of strange places, 469 00:44:08,374 --> 00:44:13,573 I leave the Hotel Londonskya, a Black Sea version of the Reform Club, 470 00:44:13,734 --> 00:44:19,730 and walk down the famous Potemkin Steps and out of the Soviet Union. 471 00:44:24,934 --> 00:44:29,132 Well, not quite, for I have two days aboard the Junost, 472 00:44:29,294 --> 00:44:34,288 a training ship turned passenger ferry on its last voyage of the year to Istanbul. 473 00:44:35,774 --> 00:44:40,973 It's odd, really. I don't want to go. But I feel lucky to be able to go. 474 00:44:41,734 --> 00:44:44,931 17 days. Strange days. 475 00:44:45,094 --> 00:44:50,771 It's the sort of place that makes you really go spare, tear your hair out. 476 00:44:50,934 --> 00:44:55,769 But at the same time there are enormous pleasures. 477 00:44:55,934 --> 00:44:59,449 The people who looked after us were tremendous. 478 00:44:59,614 --> 00:45:01,730 I'll miss it. 479 00:45:01,894 --> 00:45:04,567 And I won't forget a day of it. 480 00:45:05,574 --> 00:45:10,602 Still, I'll be able to cut down on the vodka. I don't even like vodka! 481 00:45:10,774 --> 00:45:12,571 Ah, well. 482 00:45:15,934 --> 00:45:17,572 Dosvidanya! 483 00:45:19,494 --> 00:45:22,691 Two days later, the generals attempted a coup 484 00:45:22,854 --> 00:45:25,926 and the end of the Soviet Union began. 485 00:45:33,214 --> 00:45:38,288 The swimming pool of the Junost is, in the grand tradition of Russian improvisation, 486 00:45:38,454 --> 00:45:42,925 a packing case filled with a bit of Black Sea. 487 00:45:45,654 --> 00:45:48,487 It's so small I thought only I'd seen it, 488 00:45:48,654 --> 00:45:52,442 but I'd forgotten about the Russian love of the outdoor life. 489 00:45:52,614 --> 00:45:56,209 Pool attendant! I'll do a couple of lengths before lunch! 490 00:45:56,374 --> 00:45:58,490 May I take a dive? 491 00:45:58,654 --> 00:46:04,047 I tried to remember the Russian for "I am married with three children". 492 00:46:04,214 --> 00:46:06,648 You know about this. 493 00:46:06,814 --> 00:46:10,011 Um... is it... Oh, that's the idea. 494 00:46:10,174 --> 00:46:15,089 Yes. Hmm... You're all right. You're dressed properly. 495 00:46:15,254 --> 00:46:18,246 (WOMAN GIGGLES) 496 00:46:19,054 --> 00:46:22,330 I'm going to float on my back. 497 00:46:23,374 --> 00:46:25,842 Do you come here often? 498 00:46:26,014 --> 00:46:27,811 (LAUGHTER) 499 00:46:27,974 --> 00:46:31,250 I resort to the only line of Russian I can still remember. 500 00:46:31,974 --> 00:46:35,125 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 501 00:46:35,294 --> 00:46:37,364 That only makes things worse. 502 00:46:37,534 --> 00:46:39,445 - Lyuba. Lyuba. - Lyuba? 503 00:46:39,614 --> 00:46:42,811 - Lyuba. Amore. - Amore? 504 00:46:42,974 --> 00:46:45,442 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 505 00:46:45,614 --> 00:46:48,970 - Lyuba means amore? - Is amore. 506 00:46:49,134 --> 00:46:51,773 - Love? - Love, yes. 507 00:46:51,934 --> 00:46:55,688 - A little love. - What a very suitable name. 508 00:46:59,774 --> 00:47:03,244 I'm gonna do a few lengths before lunch. Backstroke. 509 00:47:03,414 --> 00:47:06,645 Here we go. No, that's obviously out. 510 00:47:11,174 --> 00:47:13,324 Little baby, baby. 511 00:47:13,494 --> 00:47:16,486 Your flower needs a little watering. 512 00:47:21,374 --> 00:47:24,013 In the end, to both our surprises, 513 00:47:24,174 --> 00:47:28,884 we discover a mutual interest in church architecture. 514 00:47:30,254 --> 00:47:35,851 At dawn on the third day we enter the strait between Europe and Asia, the Bosporus. 515 00:47:36,014 --> 00:47:38,687 There's a nervous energy along the banks, 516 00:47:38,854 --> 00:47:42,164 a prosperity and confidence we've not seen in three weeks. 517 00:47:42,334 --> 00:47:48,284 Now the Junost looks what it is, an ill-equipped country cousin of a ship. 518 00:47:50,254 --> 00:47:54,486 But I've grown fond of the quiet, eccentric pleasures of the Junost 519 00:47:54,654 --> 00:47:57,646 and the country it represents. 520 00:48:05,174 --> 00:48:10,168 Now Istanbul beckons, not just with its domes and minarets, 521 00:48:10,334 --> 00:48:13,565 but with its rewards and its insatiable demands. 522 00:48:13,734 --> 00:48:16,726 The smell of opportunity is in the air. 523 00:48:16,894 --> 00:48:21,365 Whatever it may look like, I am back in the West.