1
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:10,220
It's 1964. The BBC, or Auntie Beeb
as she was known, is 45 years old.

2
00:00:10,220 --> 00:00:15,420
So far, she's given birth
to one televisual child.

3
00:00:15,420 --> 00:00:17,860
And on April the 20th of that year,

4
00:00:17,860 --> 00:00:21,220
she was to find herself
once again in labour.

5
00:00:23,580 --> 00:00:26,420
Do come on, Auntie Beeb,
stop making a fuss and push.

6
00:00:26,420 --> 00:00:28,420
Ooh!

7
00:00:28,420 --> 00:00:30,260
The child was on its way.

8
00:00:30,260 --> 00:00:31,700
But what was it to be called?

9
00:00:31,700 --> 00:00:33,820
We have one television channel.

10
00:00:33,820 --> 00:00:36,220
Tonight we launch a second.

11
00:00:36,220 --> 00:00:38,300
What on earth are we
going to call it?

12
00:00:38,300 --> 00:00:39,820
Pipes in. Pencils out.

13
00:00:41,660 --> 00:00:46,340
I've calculated that
if we do indeed have two channels,

14
00:00:46,340 --> 00:00:49,260
then the current channel -
BBC Television -

15
00:00:49,260 --> 00:00:52,380
should be known as BBC One.

16
00:00:52,380 --> 00:00:55,660
I've checked your calculations
and they're correct.

17
00:00:55,660 --> 00:00:58,700
If the current channel
equals BBC One,

18
00:00:58,700 --> 00:01:00,820
what does the new channel add up to?

19
00:01:00,820 --> 00:01:03,300
X to the power of -13.

20
00:01:03,300 --> 00:01:07,420
This new channel shall be called
BBC X To The Power Of -13.

21
00:01:07,420 --> 00:01:09,900
You've blundered in your reduction
of this fraction,

22
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:11,500
you horrid little homosexual.

23
00:01:13,620 --> 00:01:15,780
X to the power of -13
cancelled out is two.

24
00:01:17,220 --> 00:01:18,620
BBC Two.

25
00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:20,860
Can't we call it BBC Stalin?

26
00:01:20,860 --> 00:01:22,700
Are you a communist?

27
00:01:22,700 --> 00:01:26,300
This is the BBC -
we're all communists, aren't we?

28
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:28,620
ALL: Sh.

29
00:01:28,620 --> 00:01:31,980
So we're all agreed. BBC Two.

30
00:01:31,980 --> 00:01:33,020
AUNTIE BEEB YELLS

31
00:01:33,020 --> 00:01:34,460
That's better.

32
00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:36,900
"BABY" CRIES

33
00:01:36,900 --> 00:01:38,620
Two.

34
00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:39,940
Cup of tea?

35
00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:59,060
The new channel has a name.

36
00:01:59,060 --> 00:02:01,900
All it needs now
is someone to run it.

37
00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:05,100
A king or queen. A tsar.

38
00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:08,380
A Fuhrer. A Fat Controller.

39
00:02:08,380 --> 00:02:14,460
There was only one man for the job
and his name was Porky Peacock.

40
00:02:14,460 --> 00:02:18,940
And Porky Peacock knew exactly
what Porky Peacock wanted.

41
00:02:18,940 --> 00:02:22,180
Long documentaries about
the First World War

42
00:02:22,180 --> 00:02:25,140
that went on for weeks and weeks

43
00:02:25,140 --> 00:02:29,180
and weeks and weeks and weeks.

44
00:02:30,940 --> 00:02:32,900
By the winter of 1914,

45
00:02:32,900 --> 00:02:36,140
the war on the Western Front
had reached stalemate.

46
00:02:36,140 --> 00:02:39,700
From Switzerland to the sea,
British and German forces

47
00:02:39,700 --> 00:02:42,980
faced each other in a deadly battle
of attrition that was

48
00:02:42,980 --> 00:02:47,580
to last for the next four years,
except for one day -

49
00:02:47,580 --> 00:02:51,700
December the 25th, 1914,
Christmas Day.

50
00:02:51,700 --> 00:02:55,300
And right opposite us
there's a rubbly old nunk

51
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,540
and Gerry dug in fast.

52
00:02:57,540 --> 00:03:01,020
Come dawn of Christmas Day,
up he pops as bold as brass.

53
00:03:01,020 --> 00:03:04,420
He's standin' there,
right on top of the rubbly old nunk

54
00:03:04,420 --> 00:03:06,900
and I'm proper plabber-glasted.

55
00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:09,980
We were stuck in the trenches
with all the mud

56
00:03:09,980 --> 00:03:13,140
and fizz-bangs going off
left, right and centre.

57
00:03:13,140 --> 00:03:14,980
It was jolly wet and noisy.

58
00:03:14,980 --> 00:03:18,380
We hear Gerry singing this
Christmas Carol, so we do now.

59
00:03:18,380 --> 00:03:20,860
It's a good Protestant carol,
so it is now.

60
00:03:20,860 --> 00:03:23,380
These Gerries are Hanoverians,
so they are now.

61
00:03:23,380 --> 00:03:25,780
They're the people of King Billy,
so they are now.

62
00:03:25,780 --> 00:03:29,100
So we join in now, so we join in,
so we do now, so we do.

63
00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:31,980
And suddenly these shapes
came over the top -

64
00:03:31,980 --> 00:03:36,340
and they were short and brutish
and wearing skirts.

65
00:03:36,340 --> 00:03:38,780
We recognised them as Highlanders.

66
00:03:38,780 --> 00:03:42,220
We're standin' there
in no-man's-land

67
00:03:42,220 --> 00:03:45,580
and I've shown a picture to Fritz

68
00:03:45,580 --> 00:03:49,940
of our Martha. And his eyes have
fairly popped out of his head,

69
00:03:49,940 --> 00:03:52,580
cos she's big as a bus, our Martha.

70
00:03:52,580 --> 00:03:55,220
She's a whacking great whale
of a woman.

71
00:03:55,220 --> 00:03:58,580
We are chatting away to
these German scallywags

72
00:03:58,580 --> 00:04:01,220
and one of them is touching me
on the face and hands -

73
00:04:01,220 --> 00:04:03,500
I don't think he'd ever seen
a dusky fellow before.

74
00:04:04,540 --> 00:04:07,820
We were so starved of the fairer sex

75
00:04:07,820 --> 00:04:10,700
and because these
Highlanders wore skirts,

76
00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:14,540
I observed some of my men
acquiring the trouser tents.

77
00:04:14,540 --> 00:04:18,580
This I wished to discourage
so I improvised a game of Fussball.

78
00:04:18,580 --> 00:04:21,220
Out of nowhere comes a football.

79
00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:25,140
We started playing football,
so we started playing football,
so we did now, so we did.

80
00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:29,940
We got to playing the football game,
right aside the rubbly old nunk.

81
00:04:29,940 --> 00:04:33,420
It vas fundamentally like polo
but without the horses.

82
00:04:33,420 --> 00:04:35,780
And the game ended in
a nil-all draw.

83
00:04:35,780 --> 00:04:39,300
And it's one-all at full time.
One-all.

84
00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:41,060
A three-all draw.

85
00:04:41,060 --> 00:04:43,140
Five goals apiece.

86
00:04:43,140 --> 00:04:46,620
It ended four-all.
And thus it went to penalties.

87
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,620
And the Germans won on penalties.

88
00:04:49,620 --> 00:04:51,380
The Germans won on penalties.

89
00:04:51,380 --> 00:04:52,580
Fritz won on penalties.

90
00:04:52,580 --> 00:04:54,940
And the Germans,
they won on penalties.

91
00:04:54,940 --> 00:04:57,340
And we Germans won on penalties.

92
00:04:58,980 --> 00:05:02,260
The Germans won on penalties.

93
00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:05,060
Ground-breaking documentaries
there might be,

94
00:05:05,060 --> 00:05:09,540
but Peacock also wanted his
channel that was new to have news.

95
00:05:09,540 --> 00:05:12,980
And not just news,
but news at night.

96
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,060
Nightnews.

97
00:05:15,260 --> 00:05:18,140
Is the Government
right about everything?

98
00:05:18,140 --> 00:05:21,140
Good evening.
I'm Gerald Manley Paxman.

99
00:05:21,140 --> 00:05:22,980
Is the Government
right about everything?

100
00:05:22,980 --> 00:05:24,900
I'm joined by
the Government Minister.

101
00:05:24,900 --> 00:05:26,660
Good evening, Government Minister.

102
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,620
Good evening, Gerald Manley.

103
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:30,660
Is the Government
right about everything?

104
00:05:30,660 --> 00:05:31,900
Yes.

105
00:05:31,900 --> 00:05:32,940
Are you sure?

106
00:05:32,940 --> 00:05:34,940
Are you doubting me?

107
00:05:34,940 --> 00:05:37,620
Not for a moment, and I do apologise
if I appear to be.

108
00:05:37,620 --> 00:05:40,540
Please continue to speak
for as long as you like

109
00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:42,820
without any interruption whatsoever.

110
00:05:42,820 --> 00:05:46,300
The Government is right
about everything
because it is a good government,

111
00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:48,340
composed of extremely intelligent,

112
00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:50,580
high-minded
and deeply moral ministers.

113
00:05:50,580 --> 00:05:54,660
Thank you, Minister. You are the
most interesting man I've ever met.

114
00:05:54,660 --> 00:05:57,100
Time to look at tomorrow's papers.

115
00:05:57,100 --> 00:06:00,500
The Times leads with,
"The Government's right
about everything."

116
00:06:00,500 --> 00:06:04,140
The Telegraph goes for,
"The Government is right
about everything."

117
00:06:04,140 --> 00:06:08,100
And this rag leads with
some complete poppycock.

118
00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:17,380
The new channel was,
like its elder sibling,

119
00:06:17,380 --> 00:06:19,540
to be funded by the licence fee.

120
00:06:19,540 --> 00:06:21,660
Freed from the pressures
of the marketplace,

121
00:06:21,660 --> 00:06:26,940
it was to be very much
BBC T double-O. BBC Too.

122
00:06:28,380 --> 00:06:32,100
But it still wanted to compete
with commercial ITV.

123
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,980
And compete it did. Dramatically.

124
00:06:34,980 --> 00:06:37,180
Well, The Forsyte Saga was...

125
00:06:37,180 --> 00:06:38,780
Actually, tell you the truth,

126
00:06:38,780 --> 00:06:40,980
I don't remember
a great deal about it -

127
00:06:40,980 --> 00:06:42,580
but I was there!

128
00:06:42,580 --> 00:06:46,420
I'd had the wonderful idea
of shooting the whole thing

129
00:06:46,420 --> 00:06:49,220
on a single camera with no editor.

130
00:06:49,220 --> 00:06:53,740
Now, I got the idea from drinking
three bottles of wine one lunchtime,
at the BBC bar.

131
00:06:55,860 --> 00:06:57,220
Television history.

132
00:06:57,220 --> 00:07:00,260
MUSIC: Theme to "The Forsyte Saga"

133
00:07:06,980 --> 00:07:08,420
Father.

134
00:07:08,420 --> 00:07:09,620
Ah, Julia.

135
00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:11,500
Come in and sit quite close to me.

136
00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:17,540
A little closer, my dear.

137
00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:26,460
I'm worried. You work so hard,
Father. What are these?

138
00:07:26,460 --> 00:07:29,700
Important documents for
the attention of your cousin Julius,

139
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,420
who will attend to them at ten.

140
00:07:31,420 --> 00:07:34,820
I'm attentive to his attentions
to myself, Father.

141
00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:37,620
Pay no attention.
His attentions are tentative.

142
00:07:38,660 --> 00:07:42,100
Good day, Jolyon. Ah, Cousin Julia.

143
00:07:42,100 --> 00:07:43,740
Cousin Julius. You are well?

144
00:07:43,740 --> 00:07:46,380
Indeed. Do you like my mop-top?

145
00:07:46,380 --> 00:07:47,900
I do.

146
00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:52,260
I trust I am the only man
in the 1890s with such a hairdo.

147
00:07:52,260 --> 00:07:53,340
Won't you sit down?

148
00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:58,340
No, thank you. I won't be in shot.

149
00:07:58,340 --> 00:08:02,020
Cousin, I've tendered these
documents for your attention.

150
00:08:02,020 --> 00:08:04,940
I beg your pardon, Cousin Jolyon.
Could you repeat that?

151
00:08:04,940 --> 00:08:07,100
SQUEAKING

152
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:09,900
Attend to these documents
that I've tendered.

153
00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:13,380
They relate to a trust fund which
I set up for the benefit of

154
00:08:13,380 --> 00:08:15,180
any future children you might have,

155
00:08:15,180 --> 00:08:17,540
should you one day choose marriage.

156
00:08:17,540 --> 00:08:18,780
Marriage?

157
00:08:18,780 --> 00:08:21,100
SCRATCHING
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

158
00:08:24,420 --> 00:08:26,580
SHE CLEARS THROAT

159
00:08:26,580 --> 00:08:29,020
May I come in? Why, of course.

160
00:08:31,460 --> 00:08:36,580
Oh! Worried I am.
Very, very worried about everything.

161
00:08:36,580 --> 00:08:41,700
GLASS SMASHES
All I can do is worry and
I fear I shall die of worrying.

162
00:08:41,700 --> 00:08:45,460
Worry, worry, worry.
Endless days and nights of worry.

163
00:08:45,460 --> 00:08:46,780
I worry.

164
00:08:46,780 --> 00:08:51,780
All work and no play
makes Jack a dull boy.

165
00:08:51,780 --> 00:08:54,020
Peacock wanted laughter
on his channel.

166
00:08:54,020 --> 00:08:57,700
And not just laughter, but laughter
from somewhere that, hitherto,

167
00:08:57,700 --> 00:09:01,940
no-one at the BBC had ever dreamt
there was laughter.

168
00:09:01,940 --> 00:09:06,020
Somewhere full of dread,
dirt and depravity.

169
00:09:06,020 --> 00:09:07,660
The North.

170
00:09:07,660 --> 00:09:09,980
FOGHORN BLOWS

171
00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:17,380
Ee, Terry, what you done
to me bike?

172
00:09:19,980 --> 00:09:23,020
I've bumped into a bus
and bust it, Bob.

173
00:09:23,020 --> 00:09:25,300
I'm very sorry.
You'll get your money.

174
00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:26,740
Oh, bloomin' Nora!

175
00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:30,980
And I'm supposed to be meeting
Thelma at t'pictures in half hour.

176
00:09:30,980 --> 00:09:33,180
Are you going to hold her hand?

177
00:09:33,180 --> 00:09:35,260
I've only known her eight months.

178
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:39,300
I reckon she'd love it.

179
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:44,500
Ee, Terry! Wash yer mouth out
wi' carbolic, why don't you?

180
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:45,620
Eh!

181
00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:51,100
It was a wonderful show -
absolutely super.

182
00:09:51,100 --> 00:09:52,340
It was one of those shows

183
00:09:52,340 --> 00:09:55,300
that was wonderful and super
at the same time.

184
00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:57,780
Absolutely wonderful
and totally super.

185
00:09:57,780 --> 00:09:59,820
Wonderful and super, perhaps,

186
00:09:59,820 --> 00:10:03,140
but Southerners couldn't understand
the Northern accents.

187
00:10:03,140 --> 00:10:07,020
And as for Northerners,
well, this was 1964 -

188
00:10:07,020 --> 00:10:10,820
they'd only just learnt
how to use a lavatory.

189
00:10:10,820 --> 00:10:12,620
TOILET FLUSHES

190
00:10:14,860 --> 00:10:17,740
Education was still
a Northerner's dream.

191
00:10:17,740 --> 00:10:21,940
ITV, yes. BBC Two - ee, by gum, no.

192
00:10:21,940 --> 00:10:24,380
And this was a problem.

193
00:10:24,380 --> 00:10:28,420
Peacock appeared more Lord Reith
than Lady Gaga,

194
00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:33,580
and this was the '60s -
the generation of the baby-boomers,
or Baby Gagas.

195
00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:40,660
Young people had been invented
in 1957 by Mr Elvis Presley,

196
00:10:40,660 --> 00:10:42,980
and here we were, a decade later,

197
00:10:42,980 --> 00:10:45,140
with only one programme for them

198
00:10:45,140 --> 00:10:46,740
and that was Keep Still.

199
00:10:46,740 --> 00:10:51,220
Keep Still ran for eight hours
a day, every day of the week.

200
00:10:51,220 --> 00:10:53,060
One had to sit very still.

201
00:10:53,060 --> 00:10:56,300
If one moved at all, well...

202
00:10:56,300 --> 00:10:57,500
CHALK SQUEAKS

203
00:10:57,500 --> 00:10:59,940
STICK SMACKS

204
00:10:59,940 --> 00:11:02,500
The clown was absolutely terrifying.

205
00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:04,860
He could talk
without moving his mouth.

206
00:11:04,860 --> 00:11:08,100
'Charlie's gonna eat your face off.'
SHE GASPS

207
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:10,980
Keep Still was the end for Peacock.

208
00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:12,740
GUARD GRUNTS

209
00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:15,380
He was booted upstairs to BBC One.

210
00:11:15,380 --> 00:11:18,340
His replacement -
David Attenborough.

211
00:11:18,340 --> 00:11:19,860
And for Attenborough it was,

212
00:11:19,860 --> 00:11:24,700
"Hello, good evening and, well, I'm
here - let's get on with the job."

213
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:28,620
Out went Nightnews.
In came Naughty Nightie News.

214
00:11:28,620 --> 00:11:31,660
# Naughty Nightie News. #

215
00:11:31,660 --> 00:11:35,700
Is corporal punishment outdated?

216
00:11:35,700 --> 00:11:37,860
Should it be abolished
in our schools?

217
00:11:39,140 --> 00:11:40,180
Hugh Parsley.

218
00:11:40,180 --> 00:11:45,460
Well, Joan, I believe it to be
a demeaning form of punishment.

219
00:11:45,460 --> 00:11:49,500
Sir Hubert Tuft, if I were naughty,
would you cane me?

220
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:50,740
I would.

221
00:11:50,740 --> 00:11:52,740
You have to remember it was
the '60s.

222
00:11:52,740 --> 00:11:55,420
We were all feeling frisky
all the time.

223
00:11:55,420 --> 00:11:57,860
Is sex a good thing?

224
00:11:59,060 --> 00:12:00,660
Edward Rhys Spoon?

225
00:12:00,660 --> 00:12:03,300
I hate sex and so does my wife.

226
00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:05,340
It's horrible and stupid.

227
00:12:05,340 --> 00:12:07,580
How about you, Donald Hairwave?

228
00:12:07,580 --> 00:12:09,420
I rather like sex.

229
00:12:09,420 --> 00:12:10,660
So do I.

230
00:12:10,660 --> 00:12:13,060
I'd like to have sex with you.

231
00:12:13,060 --> 00:12:14,500
So would I.

232
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:17,340
# Naughty Nightie News. #

233
00:12:17,340 --> 00:12:21,700
It's the mid-'60s,
and television is about to get ugly.

234
00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:25,260
And your starter for ten -
what is the theme tune to this show?

235
00:12:25,260 --> 00:12:26,900
Gruesome College Cambridge?

236
00:12:26,900 --> 00:12:27,820
Ba-woom.

237
00:12:27,820 --> 00:12:29,100
# Bing-dang-dung. #

238
00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:31,140
HE TRUMPETS THEME TO
"University Challenge"

239
00:12:31,140 --> 00:12:32,980
Very ugly.

240
00:12:32,980 --> 00:12:35,620
Welcome to Ask The Ugly Family.

241
00:12:35,620 --> 00:12:39,380
This week we say hello to our
ugly family from Leicester...

242
00:12:39,380 --> 00:12:41,500
Hello. Hello.

243
00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:43,020
Hello. Hello.

244
00:12:43,020 --> 00:12:47,420
..and, dare I say it,
our even uglier family from Norfolk.

245
00:12:47,420 --> 00:12:48,660
Hello.

246
00:12:48,660 --> 00:12:49,860
Hello.

247
00:12:49,860 --> 00:12:50,940
Hello.

248
00:12:50,940 --> 00:12:52,100
Hello.

249
00:12:52,100 --> 00:12:56,060
BBC Two wanted a slice of
the ugly action.

250
00:12:56,060 --> 00:13:00,900
Hello. I'm Professor
Bill Borderline-Spectrum.

251
00:13:00,900 --> 00:13:03,500
And I'm Dr Fiona Firmly-Spectrum.

252
00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:08,020
Today we are going to be looking at
one of the most exciting things
in the world...

253
00:13:13,020 --> 00:13:15,020
Or, as we prefer to say...

254
00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:17,420
L-bar gamma to the mu

255
00:13:17,420 --> 00:13:21,220
times the quantity I-delta
sub-mu minus one-half G...

256
00:13:21,220 --> 00:13:25,220
tau.W sub-mu minus one-half G,

257
00:13:25,220 --> 00:13:30,100
prime YB sub-mu times L
plus R-bar gamma to the mu

258
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:34,820
times the quantity I-delta
sub-mu minus one half G

259
00:13:34,820 --> 00:13:37,780
prime YB sub-mu times R.

260
00:13:37,780 --> 00:13:40,020
HE MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY

261
00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:44,100
# Sport, sport, I like sport

262
00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:46,340
# Running and jumping
I'm a physical sort. #

263
00:13:46,340 --> 00:13:49,340
Sport, sport, I like sport.

264
00:13:49,340 --> 00:13:52,180
Running and jumping -
I'M a physical sort.

265
00:13:52,180 --> 00:13:53,500
But Attenborough wasn't.

266
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:56,300
He liked sport, sport,
he liked sport -

267
00:13:56,300 --> 00:14:00,140
but of the sitting around,
drinking beer and smoking fags sort.

268
00:14:02,060 --> 00:14:03,380
Snooker.

269
00:14:03,380 --> 00:14:07,940
But snooker came with a problem
that almost snookered BBC Two.

270
00:14:09,460 --> 00:14:11,700
COMMENTATOR: And in goes
the darkish-grey ball,

271
00:14:11,700 --> 00:14:13,620
nicely into the centre pocket.

272
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:19,140
So here's the choice - the lightish
grey ball into the bottom corner

273
00:14:19,140 --> 00:14:21,300
or the darker light-grey ball
into the centre.

274
00:14:22,660 --> 00:14:25,100
Darker light-grey ball into centre.

275
00:14:25,100 --> 00:14:27,380
Narrowly missing the lighter
darker-light-grey ball.

276
00:14:28,980 --> 00:14:31,500
For Attenborough,
it couldn't carry on.

277
00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:35,900
On July the 1st 1967,
BBC Two got colourful.

278
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:39,500
And so did snooker.

279
00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:42,380
JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

280
00:14:42,380 --> 00:14:45,660
COMMENTATOR: Ray Spencer reacts
by rubbing his upper lip.

281
00:14:45,660 --> 00:14:47,780
What a colourful character.
COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES

282
00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:52,500
What a tremendous personality.

283
00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:54,780
Now he's chuckled.
COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES

284
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:59,020
Here comes the Hurricane.
Will it be the yellow or the brown?

285
00:15:00,460 --> 00:15:03,020
He's gone for them both.
COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES

286
00:15:04,340 --> 00:15:05,940
Oops.
COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES

287
00:15:07,780 --> 00:15:10,220
What's he going to do
with the white?

288
00:15:10,220 --> 00:15:12,660
Up it goes. What a super hit.

289
00:15:15,580 --> 00:15:18,660
COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES
What a great sequence of shots!

290
00:15:21,580 --> 00:15:24,540
Colour television brought with it
endless possibilities

291
00:15:24,540 --> 00:15:26,460
for grand documentaries.

292
00:15:26,460 --> 00:15:29,900
And there was none more grand than
Jacob Bronowski's epic series...

293
00:15:33,260 --> 00:15:36,420
I'm rather a long way away from you.

294
00:15:36,420 --> 00:15:39,140
Now I am much closer.

295
00:15:39,140 --> 00:15:43,900
Now you can observe with clarity
the riot of beige

296
00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:47,140
which is my jacket, shirt and tie.

297
00:15:47,140 --> 00:15:49,620
Now I am on top of this hillock.

298
00:15:49,620 --> 00:15:52,660
How did I get here? It's a mystery.

299
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:56,740
Now I am much, much closer -
almost too close for comfort.

300
00:15:57,900 --> 00:16:00,420
When one thinks
of David Attenborough,

301
00:16:00,420 --> 00:16:02,700
one thinks of animals dying.

302
00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:04,660
'Buffalo.' Fuck!

303
00:16:04,660 --> 00:16:06,860
'Zebras.' Oh, fuck!

304
00:16:06,860 --> 00:16:09,140
'Pythons.' Fuck!

305
00:16:09,140 --> 00:16:10,940
And Monty Pythons.

306
00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:12,980
After three series on BBC One,

307
00:16:12,980 --> 00:16:15,180
Attenborough brought them
to his channel

308
00:16:15,180 --> 00:16:18,700
to bear witness to their
televisual death throes.

309
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:21,940
Hello, I'd like to buy one, please.

310
00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:24,860
I'm very sorry - we haven't got any.
Now look 'ere, Miss.

311
00:16:24,860 --> 00:16:28,020
Is this going to be
a very long sketch? Oh, yes.

312
00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:33,900
You see, I'd already been to see
the BBC Two people and I'd said,

313
00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:36,740
"I'm not going to do any more
Monty Python,

314
00:16:36,740 --> 00:16:39,860
"and cos I'm much, much funnier
than all the others

315
00:16:39,860 --> 00:16:44,220
"and much, much more popular,
you'd better cancel it."

316
00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:47,220
And they said "John, we disagree."

317
00:16:47,220 --> 00:16:49,340
WHEEZY LAUGH

318
00:16:49,340 --> 00:16:53,820
Ha! I mean, the arrogance
of these people!

319
00:16:53,820 --> 00:16:57,500
So, just how long is this sketch
going to be, then? Very long indeed.

320
00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,660
And even when it's eventually ended,

321
00:16:59,660 --> 00:17:02,340
we'll continue to reprise it
throughout the rest of the show...

322
00:17:02,340 --> 00:17:03,580
Oh, Gawd!

323
00:17:03,580 --> 00:17:06,580
..before reviving it every decade
for the next half century...

324
00:17:06,580 --> 00:17:10,220
Oh, Gawd! ..when it is definitely
past its sell-by date.

325
00:17:10,220 --> 00:17:12,460
Oh, Gawd!
When it is a dead sketch.

326
00:17:12,460 --> 00:17:15,300
Oh, Gawd!
When it is pushing up daisies.

327
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:17,780
Oh, Gawd! No, sorry, I like
that bit - do carry on.

328
00:17:17,780 --> 00:17:19,620
When it has shuffled off
this mortal coil.

329
00:17:19,620 --> 00:17:20,780
Oh, that was brilliant.

330
00:17:20,780 --> 00:17:24,940
When it has run down the curtain
and joined the choir invisible!

331
00:17:24,940 --> 00:17:27,540
I never wanted to do this
in the first place.

332
00:17:27,540 --> 00:17:29,940
I... I wanted to be...

333
00:17:29,940 --> 00:17:32,340
a travel-show presenter!

334
00:17:32,340 --> 00:17:34,420
It was the end of Python.

335
00:17:34,420 --> 00:17:37,260
Palin wanted to travel the world.

336
00:17:37,260 --> 00:17:39,940
# I'll put on linen clothing

337
00:17:39,940 --> 00:17:42,780
# And hang around in bazaars. #

338
00:17:42,780 --> 00:17:45,260
LOCALS: Hang around in bazaars?!

339
00:17:45,260 --> 00:17:50,140
John Cheese-Shop-Sketch yearned
for more sophisticated comedy.

340
00:17:50,140 --> 00:17:53,100
Come here, you stupid
racial stereotype.

341
00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:55,740
I from Barcelona - I know nothing!

342
00:17:56,940 --> 00:17:59,500
Ah! Sorry about that.

343
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:02,900
And the only female Python,
Cherri Jones...

344
00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:05,300
Ooh, I'm gonna bash your brains out.

345
00:18:05,300 --> 00:18:07,940
..had a sex change and became a man.

346
00:18:07,940 --> 00:18:11,900
They put these testicles
where my vagina used to be,

347
00:18:11,900 --> 00:18:14,020
and rather a small cock.

348
00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:23,380
It's the 1970s and time for
the new channel to get serious.

349
00:18:23,380 --> 00:18:25,620
Dramatically serious.

350
00:18:25,620 --> 00:18:27,060
About drama.

351
00:18:27,060 --> 00:18:31,100
I remember very, very clearly
that I was pissed the whole time.

352
00:18:31,100 --> 00:18:32,700
I don't remember anything.

353
00:18:33,860 --> 00:18:35,180
But I was there!

354
00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:37,620
I decided to commission
a high-quality classical piece

355
00:18:37,620 --> 00:18:40,660
and for that I required the best
classical actors in the country.

356
00:18:40,660 --> 00:18:44,540
I saw Ian McKellen. He was a lovely
boy but he just wasn't right.

357
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:47,540
And I saw Alan Rickman
and he was a lovely, lovely boy

358
00:18:47,540 --> 00:18:49,020
but he just wasn't right.

359
00:18:49,020 --> 00:18:50,980
And I saw Derek Jacobi
and I thought,

360
00:18:50,980 --> 00:18:54,140
"What a lovely boy.
Lovely, lovely, lovely boy."

361
00:18:54,140 --> 00:18:57,700
We had this wonderful chap playing
Caesar - what was his name again?

362
00:18:57,700 --> 00:19:00,740
Lionel Lovely, Simon Super?
No, no, no - Brian Blessed!

363
00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:02,020
I was there.

364
00:19:02,020 --> 00:19:04,100
The result of this collaboration?

365
00:19:04,100 --> 00:19:05,380
One Clavdivs.

366
00:19:05,380 --> 00:19:06,660
One Clavdivs.

367
00:19:06,660 --> 00:19:08,060
One Clavdivs.

368
00:19:18,860 --> 00:19:23,060
'Rome was fast falling
into parlousness.

369
00:19:23,060 --> 00:19:26,660
'All the men were
acting their sandals off -

370
00:19:26,660 --> 00:19:31,260
'yet still they introduced
all manner of actory business.'

371
00:19:31,260 --> 00:19:36,260
I do like your eye make-up,
my dear Empress Marc Bolana.

372
00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:40,780
It is predicted by the high priests
of Jupiter that one day all girls

373
00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:44,420
shall have make up like this
in the 1970s, on Top Of The Pops.

374
00:19:44,420 --> 00:19:47,100
It suits you merrily, merrily.

375
00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:52,060
Father, I come to warn you
of my brother, Baftus Nomination.

376
00:19:52,060 --> 00:19:54,500
Out! I will not hear of it!

377
00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:56,820
Baftus Nomination is a fine boy,

378
00:19:56,820 --> 00:20:00,260
trained by Radus
in all things flourishy.

379
00:20:00,260 --> 00:20:02,540
My brother schemes behind your back.

380
00:20:02,540 --> 00:20:06,740
He will poison you and put me to the
slaughter and claim Rome as his own.

381
00:20:06,740 --> 00:20:09,980
Oh, calm down, Actus Tremendous.

382
00:20:09,980 --> 00:20:13,580
He is in league with my sister
Whatta Scorcia!

383
00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:18,140
Do not hate Whatta Scorcia -
she is indeed your sister.

384
00:20:18,140 --> 00:20:20,860
Go to her bed and make love to her.

385
00:20:20,860 --> 00:20:22,820
That I shall.

386
00:20:22,820 --> 00:20:26,380
And presently shall I tear our
unborn foetus from her womb

387
00:20:26,380 --> 00:20:29,340
and eat it in bloody fashion.

388
00:20:30,340 --> 00:20:32,180
Ooh, he's a very odd ball.

389
00:20:34,820 --> 00:20:39,420
There is a delegation from Palestine
to see you, Caesar.

390
00:20:39,420 --> 00:20:43,220
From a new religion
called the C-C-Christians.

391
00:20:43,220 --> 00:20:44,540
Show them in!

392
00:20:48,420 --> 00:20:53,700
Blessed be the Brian, for he hath
a loud and warming voice.

393
00:20:53,700 --> 00:20:57,740
Yes, yes, I'm very pleased with you.
I will give you lands.

394
00:20:57,740 --> 00:21:01,420
Where is my Governor of Palestine -
Pontius Pilates?

395
00:21:03,260 --> 00:21:07,020
Ooh, yes,
I'm just finishing a class.

396
00:21:07,020 --> 00:21:08,940
Cat stretch, girls!

397
00:21:08,940 --> 00:21:10,900
Ooh, yes.

398
00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:12,780
Ooh, I can smell it from here.

399
00:21:12,780 --> 00:21:15,020
He's also a very odd ball.

400
00:21:15,020 --> 00:21:16,020
Ooh!

401
00:21:16,020 --> 00:21:18,900
One Clavdivs was hugely popular.

402
00:21:18,900 --> 00:21:21,780
But was that what BBC Two
was really about?

403
00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:24,380
Shouldn't BBC Two
be just a bit boring?

404
00:21:25,820 --> 00:21:29,380
Well, the BBC music department
was very powerful.

405
00:21:29,380 --> 00:21:32,860
The music industry had to take us
very seriously.

406
00:21:32,860 --> 00:21:36,060
And so when they came to us
and said,

407
00:21:36,060 --> 00:21:41,420
"Can we have a vibrant, happening,
groovy show for BBC Two,"

408
00:21:41,420 --> 00:21:43,260
I said, "No.

409
00:21:44,460 --> 00:21:46,100
"I want something dull."

410
00:21:53,300 --> 00:21:57,900
HE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY
IN HUSHED TONES

411
00:21:59,180 --> 00:22:02,260
My highlight was when
the lead guitarist

412
00:22:02,260 --> 00:22:05,420
of the prog-rock group Aeon

413
00:22:05,420 --> 00:22:07,780
died on stage of boredom.

414
00:22:07,780 --> 00:22:10,140
GUITAR RIFF PLAYS

415
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:19,420
And by the time the drummer
had pretty much finished his solo,

416
00:22:19,420 --> 00:22:22,220
the guitarist had
completely decomposed.

417
00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:27,860
It was one of those shows
that was wonderful and super

418
00:22:27,860 --> 00:22:31,940
at the same time. Absolutely
wonderful and totally super.

419
00:22:31,940 --> 00:22:36,500
As the '70s wore on, rumours of
a culture of sexual depravity

420
00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:39,740
at Television Centre
began to circulate.

421
00:22:39,740 --> 00:22:44,020
It was decided to tackle this
potential time bomb head on,

422
00:22:44,020 --> 00:22:46,380
on prime-time BBC Two.

423
00:22:46,380 --> 00:22:51,940
Hello and welcome to a show
which could quite easily be called
Would I Lie To You?,

424
00:22:51,940 --> 00:22:54,740
will soon to be known as
Call My Bluff

425
00:22:54,740 --> 00:22:58,620
and is currently entitled
Speech Impediment.

426
00:22:58,620 --> 00:23:00,460
And we like it that way.

427
00:23:00,460 --> 00:23:01,860
And our first word is...

428
00:23:03,620 --> 00:23:04,900
..paedophile.

429
00:23:04,900 --> 00:23:06,980
Frank, what is a paedophile?

430
00:23:06,980 --> 00:23:10,620
Well, a pae-do-pa-hilly,

431
00:23:10,620 --> 00:23:14,300
a fruh, a fruh-fruh fruh-fruh.

432
00:23:14,300 --> 00:23:16,780
Frank thinks it's a type of
chocolate bar

433
00:23:16,780 --> 00:23:19,540
made of nuts and fruit.
Is he right, Patrick?

434
00:23:19,540 --> 00:23:23,020
A...
INCOHERENT POPPING

435
00:23:24,860 --> 00:23:26,380
..toes.

436
00:23:26,380 --> 00:23:28,740
Patrick says it's
a type of instrument

437
00:23:28,740 --> 00:23:32,140
for scraping the dead skin
off your feet. Derek?

438
00:23:32,140 --> 00:23:34,780
Pee-pa-pa-pe-pe, pee-pa-pa-pa, poh.

439
00:23:34,780 --> 00:23:36,900
Or is it, as Derek suggests,

440
00:23:36,900 --> 00:23:41,500
a ceremonial dress worn by
German women on Maundy Thursday?

441
00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:43,500
And the answer is...

442
00:23:45,100 --> 00:23:46,860
Well, you're all wrong

443
00:23:46,860 --> 00:23:50,740
because there's no such thing
as a paedophile.
APPLAUSE

444
00:23:52,220 --> 00:23:54,140
Britain was changing.

445
00:23:54,140 --> 00:23:57,540
There was strife, unemployment
and nationwide grumpiness.

446
00:23:57,540 --> 00:24:01,980
And BBC Two drama was to reflect
the new puritanism.

447
00:24:01,980 --> 00:24:04,140
I wanted to make a drama about
the poor darling

448
00:24:04,140 --> 00:24:06,860
Northern working classes,
who had been thrown onto the dole

449
00:24:06,860 --> 00:24:08,700
by Margaret Thatcher.

450
00:24:08,700 --> 00:24:13,420
And I couldn't find a single person
from Oxford or Cambridge in the BBC
bar who was prepared to write it.

451
00:24:13,420 --> 00:24:16,180
'Man Alive happened to be making
a documentary at the time'

452
00:24:16,180 --> 00:24:18,020
about how marvellous I was, er,

453
00:24:18,020 --> 00:24:21,020
which I'd commissioned, when this
chap burst into my office.

454
00:24:21,020 --> 00:24:23,100
SCOUSE: All right, mate, go on,
gizza job, mate.

455
00:24:23,100 --> 00:24:25,540
I could write that drama.
Go on, gizza job, mate, gizza job!

456
00:24:25,540 --> 00:24:28,220
Were you at Oxford? Or Camb...

457
00:24:28,220 --> 00:24:31,020
He was a funny, angry little
creature. I rather liked him.

458
00:24:31,020 --> 00:24:32,180
He was a lovely boy.

459
00:24:36,700 --> 00:24:40,500
I'm not'n, Beryl. My life is not'n.

460
00:24:40,500 --> 00:24:43,020
Oh, yeah, great joke, God.

461
00:24:43,020 --> 00:24:45,260
"Here's Michael, he's not'n."

462
00:24:45,260 --> 00:24:48,700
You've done your best, Michael.
What more can you do? Not'n.

463
00:24:48,700 --> 00:24:50,100
Me best's not'n.

464
00:24:50,100 --> 00:24:53,620
When I'm dead, you know what me
gravestone's going to say?

465
00:24:53,620 --> 00:24:57,420
"Here lies not'n.
Dust to dust, not'n to not'n."

466
00:24:57,420 --> 00:25:00,500
And you know why, Beryl?
You want to know why?

467
00:25:00,500 --> 00:25:01,740
Don't, Michael.

468
00:25:01,740 --> 00:25:05,540
Because I haven't got
a catch phrase.

469
00:25:05,540 --> 00:25:07,620
And without a catch phrase,

470
00:25:07,620 --> 00:25:11,660
you're not'n in Maggie Thatcher's
broken Britain.

471
00:25:13,100 --> 00:25:15,900
What you doing, Michael?
Sitting on the settee, eh?

472
00:25:15,900 --> 00:25:18,700
I could do that.
Gizza job sitting on the settee, eh?

473
00:25:18,700 --> 00:25:20,300
Hey! Not now, Yosser.

474
00:25:20,300 --> 00:25:22,260
Gizza job, Beryl.

475
00:25:22,260 --> 00:25:25,140
All right, Yosser, calm down,
calm down!

476
00:25:25,140 --> 00:25:27,500
Calm down! Calm down!

477
00:25:27,500 --> 00:25:28,980
All right, calm down!

478
00:25:28,980 --> 00:25:31,580
Eh! Eh! Calm down.
Calm down. All right.

479
00:25:31,580 --> 00:25:35,140
Boys From The Blackstuff
was the right stuff for the viewer,

480
00:25:35,140 --> 00:25:38,300
but the wrong stuff
for the Conservative government.

481
00:25:38,300 --> 00:25:39,980
It was furious.

482
00:25:39,980 --> 00:25:44,180
Its anger was vented by a young MP
called John Major.

483
00:25:44,180 --> 00:25:47,420
The British people don't wunt
programmes like this.

484
00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:50,220
They wunt programmes without bias.

485
00:25:50,220 --> 00:25:53,180
They wunt fairness,
they wunt to say,

486
00:25:53,180 --> 00:25:56,420
"We wunt our old BBC back,
and we wunt it now".

487
00:25:56,420 --> 00:26:00,140
It's not "wunt",
you complete rhymes-with-wunt.

488
00:26:00,140 --> 00:26:02,860
The BBC was being crucified.

489
00:26:04,260 --> 00:26:08,340
It agreed to make a drama that would
balance Boys From The Blackstuff.

490
00:26:08,340 --> 00:26:09,940
But who would write it?

491
00:26:09,940 --> 00:26:11,980
I could do that. Gizza job, go on.

492
00:26:14,020 --> 00:26:16,660
MUSIC: JAUNTY RENDITION OF
"Land Of Hope And Glory"

493
00:26:18,180 --> 00:26:20,340
Hey, all right, Michael?

494
00:26:20,340 --> 00:26:22,860
All right, Yosser?
What are you doing on that thing?

495
00:26:22,860 --> 00:26:25,180
I got on my bike and started
looking for work

496
00:26:25,180 --> 00:26:27,020
like Norman Tebbit told us to.

497
00:26:27,020 --> 00:26:28,860
He's a top man, that Tebbit.

498
00:26:28,860 --> 00:26:33,340
BOTH: Tories! Tories! Tories!
Five more years!

499
00:26:33,340 --> 00:26:35,780
Hey, have you seen Sid?

500
00:26:35,780 --> 00:26:41,860
I have - he told me the good old
Tories and Maggie Thatcher
are privatising British Gas!

501
00:26:41,860 --> 00:26:44,100
I fuckin' love the Tories.

502
00:26:44,100 --> 00:26:46,300
I've gone and got meself
some shares!

503
00:26:50,980 --> 00:26:53,620
Gizza hob.
Come 'ead, gizza hob, eh?

504
00:26:53,620 --> 00:26:56,100
All right, calm down!
Eh? Come 'ead, gizza hob, eh?

505
00:26:56,100 --> 00:26:57,700
Eh? Eh? Eh?

506
00:26:57,700 --> 00:27:00,620
Eh, eh, eh. All right? Eh, eh, eh.

507
00:27:00,620 --> 00:27:04,180
I think BBC Two had an ambivalence
towards Mrs Thatcher.

508
00:27:04,180 --> 00:27:06,220
Sometimes it found her frustrating

509
00:27:06,220 --> 00:27:08,260
a-a-and sometimes quite sexy.

510
00:27:10,100 --> 00:27:12,100
'Tonight on 40 Minutes...

511
00:27:12,100 --> 00:27:14,540
'Margaret Thatcher - is she sexy?'

512
00:27:14,540 --> 00:27:16,060
Good morning, John.

513
00:27:16,060 --> 00:27:19,060
.."goose fat," and he said,
"I know, madam."

514
00:27:19,060 --> 00:27:23,220
Margaret was never the easiest
person to get on with in cabinet,

515
00:27:23,220 --> 00:27:25,340
but there was something about her.

516
00:27:25,340 --> 00:27:27,780
We remember Geoffrey
coming to see us one day,

517
00:27:27,780 --> 00:27:30,500
with a policy that
we didn't much care for.

518
00:27:30,500 --> 00:27:32,620
And I said, "Please, Margaret."

519
00:27:32,620 --> 00:27:34,540
And we said, "No, Geoffrey, no."

520
00:27:34,540 --> 00:27:38,700
She was a very sexy woman -
I remember going to her.

521
00:27:38,700 --> 00:27:42,180
And we remember Nigel came to see us
and he said,

522
00:27:42,180 --> 00:27:44,620
"You must, Prime Minister,
I insist."

523
00:27:44,620 --> 00:27:46,660
I was very insistent.

524
00:27:46,660 --> 00:27:48,900
And we said, "No, Nigel, no!"

525
00:27:48,900 --> 00:27:51,620
I said, "Margaret, please."

526
00:27:51,620 --> 00:27:54,380
And we said "No, Geoffrey! No!"

527
00:27:54,380 --> 00:27:57,500
I said, "Margaret, please listen."

528
00:27:57,500 --> 00:28:00,340
And we said "No, Nigel,
we will not listen!"

529
00:28:00,340 --> 00:28:04,540
I said, "Margaret, I'm pleading
with you on bended knee, you mad..."

530
00:28:04,540 --> 00:28:06,860
"..power-crazed bint."

531
00:28:06,860 --> 00:28:09,420
And we said, "No, Geoffrey! No!"

532
00:28:09,420 --> 00:28:13,900
I said, "Margaret, just listen
for one minute, you completely..."

533
00:28:13,900 --> 00:28:15,700
"..deranged old boot."

534
00:28:15,700 --> 00:28:16,900
I said, "Margaret."

535
00:28:16,900 --> 00:28:19,380
We said, "No, Nigel, no!

536
00:28:19,380 --> 00:28:21,180
"Bad dog, Nigel!

537
00:28:21,180 --> 00:28:24,900
"No, no, no. You bad dog!"

538
00:28:24,900 --> 00:28:28,100
And I found myself
on all fours in front of her,

539
00:28:28,100 --> 00:28:30,340
and she literally trampled me
underfoot.

540
00:28:30,340 --> 00:28:34,500
And we remember very clearly
that Nigel was very cross.

541
00:28:34,500 --> 00:28:36,980
It was really quite erotic.

542
00:28:36,980 --> 00:28:40,380
But life under the Tories
wasn't all doom and gloom.

543
00:28:40,380 --> 00:28:42,500
There was also fun to be had.

544
00:28:42,500 --> 00:28:44,980
..thinks about, talks about.
You ask him what he's doing!

545
00:28:44,980 --> 00:28:46,380
Give yourself...

546
00:28:48,780 --> 00:28:52,060
I'd like to buy
a dead parrot, please.

547
00:28:52,060 --> 00:28:55,820
I don't want to be a shop keeper -
I want to be a travel host.

548
00:28:57,540 --> 00:29:00,300
Comedy is an incredibly
serious business.

549
00:29:00,300 --> 00:29:02,420
Anyone who tells you otherwise

550
00:29:02,420 --> 00:29:05,060
simply isn't taking it
seriously enough.

551
00:29:05,060 --> 00:29:08,860
Rowan Atkinson's probably the most
serious person who's ever been born,

552
00:29:08,860 --> 00:29:10,780
ergo he's the funniest.

553
00:29:10,780 --> 00:29:16,420
Lump? Thistle? Blurt? 'I think it's
fair to say that every single word
that Rowan says is funny.'

554
00:29:16,420 --> 00:29:18,860
Hooligan?
LAUGHTER

555
00:29:18,860 --> 00:29:21,300
Nubble?
LAUGHTER

556
00:29:21,300 --> 00:29:23,980
Wastepaper basket?
LAUGHTER

557
00:29:23,980 --> 00:29:27,620
I put Rowan together with
the cleverest man in the world,
Stephen Fry.

558
00:29:27,620 --> 00:29:30,020
Stephen, of course,
invented adult humour.

559
00:29:30,020 --> 00:29:32,940
Bum chums and willy biscuits.
LAUGHTER

560
00:29:32,940 --> 00:29:35,660
Ladies, wee-wees, and poo-poos.
LAUGHTER

561
00:29:36,900 --> 00:29:39,420
Gentlemen's diarrhoea.
LAUGHTER

562
00:29:39,420 --> 00:29:42,700
So we did a pilot of Blackadder
for BBC Two.

563
00:29:42,700 --> 00:29:44,500
It was just dynamite.

564
00:29:44,500 --> 00:29:47,020
Button up your botty hole,
Blackadder.

565
00:29:47,020 --> 00:29:48,420
Here comes the new king.

566
00:29:48,420 --> 00:29:50,540
Top blimmin' hurrahs, Blackadder!

567
00:29:50,540 --> 00:29:54,420
Congratulations on being crowned
King Edward VIII,

568
00:29:54,420 --> 00:29:56,420
King Edward VIII.

569
00:29:56,420 --> 00:30:01,220
This is my new totty, Mrs Simpson.
She's a bloomin' yank!

570
00:30:01,220 --> 00:30:04,060
I'm gonna be Queen of England!

571
00:30:04,060 --> 00:30:08,340
Bum-trouseringly good news,
eh, Blackadder?

572
00:30:08,340 --> 00:30:12,340
Although personally,
I'd prefer Bertrand Russell's

573
00:30:12,340 --> 00:30:17,860
bloated boil-faced brother became
betrothed to your Royal Bigness.

574
00:30:17,860 --> 00:30:20,700
Yee whizz and pooey!

575
00:30:20,700 --> 00:30:24,700
Have you met my new prime minister,
Sir Stanley Baldrick?

576
00:30:24,700 --> 00:30:26,140
Hello, Blackadder.

577
00:30:27,620 --> 00:30:29,260
Bloody hell.

578
00:30:29,260 --> 00:30:31,700
Botty-boiled bastard!

579
00:30:33,020 --> 00:30:35,660
Ah, General Disaster!

580
00:30:37,900 --> 00:30:40,220
What news, General Disaster?

581
00:30:42,540 --> 00:30:45,100
Bad news, I'm afraid, Lord Melchett.

582
00:30:45,100 --> 00:30:47,220
One - I've cut my finger.

583
00:30:47,220 --> 00:30:49,460
You bloody disaster.

584
00:30:54,940 --> 00:30:57,820
And two -
Hitler has invaded the Rhineland.

585
00:30:57,820 --> 00:31:01,620
Top bloody hurrahs and all that.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.

586
00:31:01,620 --> 00:31:03,300
Pooey! Bum.

587
00:31:03,300 --> 00:31:05,900
Balderdash and big bugger burps,
Blackadder.

588
00:31:08,740 --> 00:31:11,980
It was a wonderful
show. Absolutely super.

589
00:31:11,980 --> 00:31:14,060
It was one of
those shows that was

590
00:31:14,060 --> 00:31:16,700
wonderful and super
at the same time.

591
00:31:16,700 --> 00:31:19,500
Absolutely wonderful
and totally super.

592
00:31:22,180 --> 00:31:24,420
Historical comedy there might be,

593
00:31:24,420 --> 00:31:27,740
but there was also room
for history to be dramatic.

594
00:31:34,380 --> 00:31:36,220
LEEDS ACCENT: It's snowing again.

595
00:31:36,220 --> 00:31:39,020
It's always snowing in Moscow
at this time of year.

596
00:31:40,420 --> 00:31:43,860
I can see Comrade Milankova
down by the statue of me.

597
00:31:44,980 --> 00:31:49,620
She's a widow, Comrade Milankova.
Her husband died of natural causes -

598
00:31:49,620 --> 00:31:52,420
which is not at all natural
in Moscow at the moment,

599
00:31:52,420 --> 00:31:54,420
if you get me drift.

600
00:31:54,420 --> 00:31:57,940
I can't seem to stop
having people bumped off.

601
00:31:57,940 --> 00:32:00,420
I call it me urge to purge.

602
00:32:01,820 --> 00:32:03,420
'Ere comes trouble.

603
00:32:05,220 --> 00:32:07,300
Comrade Jim Broadbentovich.

604
00:32:07,300 --> 00:32:09,900
Hello, Stalin. How are you?

605
00:32:09,900 --> 00:32:11,940
Very well, thank you. Yep.

606
00:32:11,940 --> 00:32:13,860
How's the five-year plan going?

607
00:32:13,860 --> 00:32:18,060
I'm afraid it's failed.
So I suppose that's curtains for me.

608
00:32:18,060 --> 00:32:19,860
Well, you can have these ones
if you like.

609
00:32:19,860 --> 00:32:21,900
Very kind of you.

610
00:32:21,900 --> 00:32:25,140
I thought I might go for chintz -
it's nice and cheery.

611
00:32:25,140 --> 00:32:26,460
What do you think?

612
00:32:26,460 --> 00:32:29,460
Brighten the place up a bit,
wouldn't they, Stalin?

613
00:32:29,460 --> 00:32:32,260
I'm having him shot later.
It's a shame, really.

614
00:32:32,260 --> 00:32:33,860
He's a nice man.

615
00:32:34,980 --> 00:32:39,020
Now history began to happen
before our very eyes.

616
00:32:39,020 --> 00:32:42,140
The Cold War ended,
the Wall came down,

617
00:32:42,140 --> 00:32:44,620
and for BBC Two
trouble was brewing -

618
00:32:44,620 --> 00:32:46,980
in not one, two, three

619
00:32:46,980 --> 00:32:48,300
but 4-form.

620
00:32:48,300 --> 00:32:51,140
The new channel was young,
anti-establishment,

621
00:32:51,140 --> 00:32:53,700
and it wanted to shaft BBC Two.

622
00:32:53,700 --> 00:32:55,180
Up the arse.

623
00:32:55,180 --> 00:32:57,220
SQUEAKING AND WAILING

624
00:32:57,220 --> 00:33:00,020
It was time to change
or be buggered.

625
00:33:00,020 --> 00:33:02,860
And change came in the form
of a new controller.

626
00:33:02,860 --> 00:33:05,980
And his name was Yentob.

627
00:33:10,460 --> 00:33:12,580
VERY DEEP VOICE: I made
Citizen Kane.

628
00:33:12,580 --> 00:33:14,500
HE CAWS

629
00:33:14,500 --> 00:33:19,580
Orson! Oh, Orson!
Yentob Orson friend.

630
00:33:19,580 --> 00:33:22,900
ORSON GRUNTS,
YENTOB TRILLS

631
00:33:22,900 --> 00:33:25,500
Yentob may have had
an arts background

632
00:33:25,500 --> 00:33:28,540
but he could see that
Channel 4 was dumbing down fast

633
00:33:28,540 --> 00:33:31,060
and he wanted a piece of the action.

634
00:33:31,060 --> 00:33:34,220
Yentob in turmoil! Yentob...

635
00:33:34,220 --> 00:33:37,460
He needed a man with the skill to
dumb down an entire channel.

636
00:33:37,460 --> 00:33:38,700
And he found him.

637
00:33:40,300 --> 00:33:42,940
Albus Dumbledowne.

638
00:33:42,940 --> 00:33:45,580
Yentob see salvation!

639
00:33:48,420 --> 00:33:51,980
These red leather seats
are really quite cosseting.

640
00:33:51,980 --> 00:33:57,460
Be vulgar, Jeremy! Be mockney!

641
00:33:57,460 --> 00:34:01,220
EXAGGERATED ACCENT: Oh, my God.
I feel like...

642
00:34:02,460 --> 00:34:04,460
..I'm in a vagina.

643
00:34:04,460 --> 00:34:05,500
Mm.

644
00:34:07,140 --> 00:34:09,140
I'm a dildo!

645
00:34:09,140 --> 00:34:12,980
Yentob brought in this ghastly new
head of comedy, Paul Someone.

646
00:34:12,980 --> 00:34:14,420
He was a horrid little man.

647
00:34:14,420 --> 00:34:16,860
I didn't want all that elitist
Oxbridge crap -

648
00:34:16,860 --> 00:34:19,700
I wanted alternative comedy. Edgy
comedy, full of edge and edginess

649
00:34:19,700 --> 00:34:22,540
by working-middle-class people
who failed to get into Oxbridge.

650
00:34:22,540 --> 00:34:24,500
Ah! Here!

651
00:34:24,500 --> 00:34:28,220
Aargh!

652
00:34:28,220 --> 00:34:30,020
Hur-hur-hur.

653
00:34:30,020 --> 00:34:32,740
Ha-ha! Ah.

654
00:34:32,740 --> 00:34:34,900
Oh shut up, Neil!

655
00:34:37,380 --> 00:34:39,020
Ow.

656
00:34:39,020 --> 00:34:40,820
Where's Mike?

657
00:34:40,820 --> 00:34:44,900
Hey! It's cool out there -
and so am I.

658
00:34:44,900 --> 00:34:47,740
WIND BLOWS

659
00:34:47,740 --> 00:34:49,980
Somebody hit someone,
for God's sake.

660
00:34:49,980 --> 00:34:52,180
Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

661
00:34:53,620 --> 00:34:56,300
It was all edgy comedy then.
Just edge.

662
00:34:56,300 --> 00:34:59,780
No side, no top, no bottom, no back,
no front - just edge, edge, edge.

663
00:34:59,780 --> 00:35:02,140
Would you like to suck my lollipop?

664
00:35:02,140 --> 00:35:05,580
Ooh, you are awful but I like you,

665
00:35:05,580 --> 00:35:07,020
young man!

666
00:35:08,260 --> 00:35:09,660
Young man!

667
00:35:11,460 --> 00:35:14,340
Yentob was successful in his quest

668
00:35:14,340 --> 00:35:16,740
to beat Channel 4
at its own moronic game.

669
00:35:17,820 --> 00:35:22,700
But he was uneasy, agitated,
distressed.

670
00:35:22,700 --> 00:35:27,340
Yentob unhappy.
High culture he crave.

671
00:35:27,340 --> 00:35:30,220
And who, from the world of
high culture,

672
00:35:30,220 --> 00:35:35,060
exiled to America and rejected
there, was as alienated as Yentob?

673
00:35:35,060 --> 00:35:37,100
Mr Potter!

674
00:35:37,100 --> 00:35:42,580
Yes! Only Mr Potter
can make Yentob happy!

675
00:35:42,580 --> 00:35:44,620
Yes! Yes!

676
00:36:02,020 --> 00:36:04,700
'He's the one. Yes. Him.

677
00:36:04,700 --> 00:36:06,340
'I choose him.'

678
00:36:13,860 --> 00:36:15,500
Oh! Oh!

679
00:36:15,500 --> 00:36:19,540
Oh, I'm sorry.
I do beg your pardon. Oh, I say!

680
00:36:19,540 --> 00:36:21,580
How are you? Er, do I...?

681
00:36:21,580 --> 00:36:25,860
Yes! Last week - you remember!
Yes, of course.

682
00:36:25,860 --> 00:36:29,340
And now it's today!
So you must be on your way to...

683
00:36:29,340 --> 00:36:32,700
The rehearsals.
Yes. For the play, isn't it?

684
00:36:32,700 --> 00:36:34,340
The television play.

685
00:36:34,340 --> 00:36:37,620
Yes, the one that I wrote!
I'll come with you. Come along.

686
00:36:37,620 --> 00:36:39,620
Are we still rehearsing in the...

687
00:36:39,620 --> 00:36:42,700
The hospital? Yes. Yes.

688
00:36:42,700 --> 00:36:45,340
POTTER CACKLES

689
00:36:51,020 --> 00:36:53,460
Stop it. What are you doing?

690
00:36:53,460 --> 00:36:56,140
What are you doing to our Mary?

691
00:36:56,140 --> 00:36:58,740
I saw something.
Something in the woods.

692
00:36:58,740 --> 00:37:01,580
Our Mary Whitehouse being porked.

693
00:37:01,580 --> 00:37:03,860
Right in her Forest of Dean.

694
00:37:03,860 --> 00:37:05,700
Look at your face!

695
00:37:05,700 --> 00:37:08,100
I've got cornflake eczema.

696
00:37:09,300 --> 00:37:12,140
And I've got Rice Krispie psoriasis.

697
00:37:12,140 --> 00:37:14,260
What's to be done?

698
00:37:14,260 --> 00:37:17,860
Maybe we could do something weird,
like mime along to an old song.

699
00:37:17,860 --> 00:37:20,460
RECORDING: # Good mornin', skin game

700
00:37:21,700 --> 00:37:25,740
# Hollerin' skin game, please last

701
00:37:26,980 --> 00:37:29,860
# Good mornin', skin game

702
00:37:29,860 --> 00:37:33,900
# Hollerin' skin game, please last

703
00:37:37,780 --> 00:37:40,180
# I done staked my man to win

704
00:37:40,180 --> 00:37:44,460
# And I hope my money will pass. #

705
00:37:47,500 --> 00:37:49,940
Well, that didn't work,
did it, Potter?

706
00:37:49,940 --> 00:37:52,260
Maybe my nephew can help.

707
00:37:52,260 --> 00:37:54,860
Skin complaintus, disappearus.

708
00:37:56,420 --> 00:37:57,900
Is he simple?

709
00:37:57,900 --> 00:38:00,180
There's something mouldy
on your foot.

710
00:38:00,180 --> 00:38:01,540
It's a wart.

711
00:38:01,540 --> 00:38:05,380
That is the lord of
all mouldy warts.

712
00:38:06,380 --> 00:38:08,940
Lord Mouldy Wart killed my parents!

713
00:38:08,940 --> 00:38:13,420
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Will my career come to this?

714
00:38:13,420 --> 00:38:15,780
HE CHUCKLES
You sold your soul, Michael!

715
00:38:17,180 --> 00:38:19,780
HE CACKLES

716
00:38:21,660 --> 00:38:25,460
Right, Mr Singsong. It's time for me
to grease up your winky.

717
00:38:25,460 --> 00:38:26,700
Oh, God.

718
00:38:28,140 --> 00:38:31,780
I had absolutely no idea
what was going on at the time

719
00:38:31,780 --> 00:38:33,820
but it was bloody marvellous.

720
00:38:33,820 --> 00:38:36,260
Yentob had done all he could
for the channel.

721
00:38:36,260 --> 00:38:38,500
It was time for him to move on.

722
00:38:38,500 --> 00:38:42,420
The new controller was
his disciple - Michael Jackson.

723
00:38:42,420 --> 00:38:44,780
What kind of programmes do you
want to commission?

724
00:38:44,780 --> 00:38:46,500
What about current affairs?

725
00:38:46,500 --> 00:38:49,260
I want a sketch show
that's very, very fast.

726
00:38:52,660 --> 00:38:56,140
This week I are bein'
mostly in 'Arry Potter.

727
00:39:02,060 --> 00:39:04,980
The trouble with you lot
is you can't act.

728
00:39:09,020 --> 00:39:10,380
I'll get me cloak.

729
00:39:14,660 --> 00:39:16,060
Harry Emery.

730
00:39:16,060 --> 00:39:20,140
Enfield. Same thing.
Why weren't you in The Fast Show?

731
00:39:20,140 --> 00:39:23,780
Oh, well... Paul Whitehouse and
Charlie Higson were in your show.

732
00:39:23,780 --> 00:39:26,540
Why weren't you in theirs? Well,
I didn't really want to be, so...

733
00:39:26,540 --> 00:39:28,060
Did they ever ask you? No.

734
00:39:28,060 --> 00:39:32,660
Were you disappointed by the lack
of BAFTAs that your show got?

735
00:39:32,660 --> 00:39:35,580
Not at all, no. I never really
think about awards.

736
00:39:35,580 --> 00:39:37,380
And The Fast Show got...how many?

737
00:39:37,380 --> 00:39:38,700
I've no idea. Four.

738
00:39:38,700 --> 00:39:41,060
Four. And your show got...?

739
00:39:41,060 --> 00:39:42,740
None. Does that bother you?

740
00:39:44,100 --> 00:39:48,580
Fast Show - four. Your show,
Harry Enfield and Chums...

741
00:39:48,580 --> 00:39:51,900
You changed the name - Harry
Enfield's Television Programme.

742
00:39:51,900 --> 00:39:53,540
Still no awards.

743
00:39:53,540 --> 00:39:55,580
Honestly, not a problem.

744
00:39:56,900 --> 00:39:57,940
No bitterness?

745
00:39:57,940 --> 00:40:01,380
None whatsoever.
I'm extremely proud of my show.

746
00:40:01,380 --> 00:40:03,620
BAFTA wasn't. Great to speak to you.

747
00:40:06,020 --> 00:40:08,260
There were storm clouds brewing.

748
00:40:08,260 --> 00:40:11,940
A new man had taken charge
of the whole BBC.

749
00:40:11,940 --> 00:40:15,620
And his name was Burt. Burt John.

750
00:40:15,620 --> 00:40:19,020
Burt John wasn't really
a BBC man at all.

751
00:40:19,020 --> 00:40:22,060
I mean, he gathered us together
and gave some funny little speech

752
00:40:22,060 --> 00:40:23,980
about something called
value for money.

753
00:40:23,980 --> 00:40:26,540
I didn't really understand a word -
but I was there!

754
00:40:26,540 --> 00:40:30,220
It seemed to mean getting rid
of the subsidy in the BBC bar.

755
00:40:30,220 --> 00:40:32,260
And I was very much there.

756
00:40:32,260 --> 00:40:35,660
Well, it's very difficult, you know,
to come up with wonderful ideas

757
00:40:35,660 --> 00:40:38,140
that the nation will take
completely to their hearts

758
00:40:38,140 --> 00:40:40,580
unless one's somewhat sozzled!

759
00:40:40,580 --> 00:40:42,180
Er, no...

760
00:40:43,420 --> 00:40:46,060
Burt John was a total cu...

761
00:40:46,060 --> 00:40:49,700
He brought in a woman
to run BBC Two.

762
00:40:49,700 --> 00:40:52,460
That woman was Jane Brute.

763
00:40:52,460 --> 00:40:54,260
And she wanted women.

764
00:40:54,260 --> 00:40:57,220
I wanted Robert Robinson to front
the new quiz show.

765
00:40:57,220 --> 00:41:00,580
But the woman in charge
wanted a woman.

766
00:41:00,580 --> 00:41:02,500
So we used Robert's daughter.

767
00:41:02,500 --> 00:41:05,820
Welcome to Is Your Child An Idiot?

768
00:41:05,820 --> 00:41:08,580
Tonight, who is our idiot?

769
00:41:08,580 --> 00:41:10,660
Is it you, Susan?

770
00:41:10,660 --> 00:41:12,900
Or is it Andrew?

771
00:41:12,900 --> 00:41:15,620
Or perhaps it's Simon.

772
00:41:15,620 --> 00:41:17,940
Or quite possibly Sally.

773
00:41:19,580 --> 00:41:21,780
What is the Latin name
of the rice-field rat?

774
00:41:21,780 --> 00:41:24,820
Rattus argentiventer.

775
00:41:24,820 --> 00:41:26,700
What was the name of
the General

776
00:41:26,700 --> 00:41:29,260
who led the ANZAC troops
in the First World War?

777
00:41:31,740 --> 00:41:33,420
William Birdwood.

778
00:41:33,420 --> 00:41:38,460
RMS Lusitania, torpedoed and
sunk by the Germans in 1915,

779
00:41:38,460 --> 00:41:40,900
was designed by who?

780
00:41:40,900 --> 00:41:43,540
Leonard Peskett. Bank!

781
00:41:43,540 --> 00:41:45,220
Who was the Secretary General

782
00:41:45,220 --> 00:41:49,700
of the Hungarian Communist
government from 1949 to 1956?

783
00:41:49,700 --> 00:41:51,660
Enver Hoxha.
BUZZER

784
00:41:51,660 --> 00:41:55,500
Oops. Oh, dear.

785
00:41:55,500 --> 00:41:57,540
And at the end of that round...

786
00:41:57,540 --> 00:42:02,340
Sally, you think Hungary
and Albania are the same, do you?

787
00:42:03,740 --> 00:42:06,220
The Hungarian dictator was...

788
00:42:06,220 --> 00:42:07,500
Matyas Rakosi.

789
00:42:07,500 --> 00:42:12,780
Knowing the answer now doesn't make
you any less of a moronic buffoon,

790
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:16,220
any less of a cretinous dolt.

791
00:42:17,460 --> 00:42:21,460
Sally, you are an idiot. Goodbye.

792
00:42:25,780 --> 00:42:28,620
A new decade dawned.

793
00:42:28,620 --> 00:42:30,260
With comedy.

794
00:42:30,260 --> 00:42:31,660
With Dawn.

795
00:42:47,500 --> 00:42:48,540
Kertanger.

796
00:42:50,980 --> 00:42:53,580
I like shagging, dead people...

797
00:42:53,580 --> 00:42:57,700
don't like shagging...
cos they're dead, yeah?

798
00:42:57,700 --> 00:43:01,020
I like shagging dead people.

799
00:43:01,020 --> 00:43:02,300
Look from Dawn.

800
00:43:03,420 --> 00:43:04,580
Joke!

801
00:43:04,580 --> 00:43:07,420
I most certainly do NOT
like shagging dead people.

802
00:43:07,420 --> 00:43:09,460
Obviously.

803
00:43:09,460 --> 00:43:12,740
Only done it once.
It was impersonal.

804
00:43:12,740 --> 00:43:14,540
Look from Hobbit.

805
00:43:15,580 --> 00:43:16,740
Dawn.

806
00:43:18,580 --> 00:43:19,700
Hobbit.

807
00:43:21,460 --> 00:43:25,100
As the noughties dragged on,
a new threat loomed.

808
00:43:25,100 --> 00:43:27,340
Recession. Money was tight.

809
00:43:27,340 --> 00:43:31,460
It was time for BBC Two
to make programmes

810
00:43:31,460 --> 00:43:33,260
about nothing at all.

811
00:43:33,260 --> 00:43:36,380
Grumpy Old Bores are minor
celebrities with absolutely

812
00:43:36,380 --> 00:43:40,940
nothing interesting to say about how
there's too much plastic packaging.

813
00:43:40,940 --> 00:43:43,980
I find plastic packaging
terribly difficult to open.

814
00:43:43,980 --> 00:43:47,020
And you always have to pop
all the bubbles on bubble wrap -

815
00:43:47,020 --> 00:43:48,260
it's quite addictive.

816
00:43:48,260 --> 00:43:49,700
I mean, what's going on?

817
00:43:49,700 --> 00:43:51,900
You go to buy a cucumber
and it's covered in a condom!

818
00:43:51,900 --> 00:43:54,020
HE CHUCKLES

819
00:43:54,020 --> 00:43:58,820
And you end up slashing at
the plastic packaging with a knife

820
00:43:58,820 --> 00:44:01,700
and you cut your bleedin' finger.

821
00:44:01,700 --> 00:44:05,140
Sometimes it takes my servants
hours to get the packaging off

822
00:44:05,140 --> 00:44:07,580
the many important things
that arrive for me every day,

823
00:44:07,580 --> 00:44:11,020
which, er...
which makes me quite grumpy. Grr!

824
00:44:11,020 --> 00:44:14,060
I mean, all this plastic packaging's
a pain in the arse, innit?

825
00:44:14,060 --> 00:44:17,900
Grumpy old bores will say obvious
things about anything for the money.

826
00:44:17,900 --> 00:44:20,940
Now talk about reading glasses.

827
00:44:20,940 --> 00:44:23,580
They make you look like
you've got four eyes.

828
00:44:23,580 --> 00:44:25,860
What's wrong with contact lenses?

829
00:44:25,860 --> 00:44:27,420
Contact lenses.

830
00:44:27,420 --> 00:44:33,620
They're so hard to get in your
eyes. Laser surgery's the thing.

831
00:44:33,620 --> 00:44:37,100
And just when you've had enough
of Grumpy Old Bores,

832
00:44:37,100 --> 00:44:39,060
they bring on Grumpy Old Bags.

833
00:44:39,060 --> 00:44:43,500
I mean, why do we even need this
World Wide Web anyway?

834
00:44:43,500 --> 00:44:46,140
And they won't even take
money on the buses any more.

835
00:44:46,140 --> 00:44:48,380
You have to have...
a Scallop card, is it?

836
00:44:48,380 --> 00:44:50,180
SHE GRUNTS

837
00:44:50,180 --> 00:44:52,020
And my grandson - he's always...

838
00:44:52,020 --> 00:44:55,500
If BBC Two was hitting the depths,
it didn't want you to think so.

839
00:44:57,340 --> 00:45:00,380
In came a late-night arts show.

840
00:45:00,380 --> 00:45:03,420
It was to be more of
a pseudo-intellectual snack

841
00:45:03,420 --> 00:45:06,060
than a delicious donnish dinner.

842
00:45:06,060 --> 00:45:09,620
It was dark, bitter
and thinly spread -

843
00:45:09,620 --> 00:45:11,340
Smarmnite.

844
00:45:11,340 --> 00:45:16,020
Hello, I'm Mark Egghead. This week -
meh-meh-eew! - The X Factor.

845
00:45:16,020 --> 00:45:19,260
Meh-meh-meh. Simon Cowell et al.

846
00:45:19,260 --> 00:45:22,300
David Ponse. Well, I've never
actually eurgh The X Factor.

847
00:45:22,300 --> 00:45:23,940
I've never eurgh Simon Cowell

848
00:45:23,940 --> 00:45:25,900
and I've certainly
never eurgh Louis Walsh.

849
00:45:25,900 --> 00:45:30,660
It was a solid... Please, let
me finish. And I hope I'm spared
any more of this lamentable eurgh.

850
00:45:30,660 --> 00:45:33,700
Well, the minor... Paul Poorly.

851
00:45:33,700 --> 00:45:36,740
Betrayal of working class,
bread and dripping, Ian Curtis.

852
00:45:36,740 --> 00:45:39,860
Tom Appalling?
Well, I rather liked it.

853
00:45:39,860 --> 00:45:42,780
Ugh! But surely - meh-meh-meh -

854
00:45:42,780 --> 00:45:46,060
Sharon Osbourne and - meh-meh-meh -
Louis Walsh.

855
00:45:46,060 --> 00:45:48,700
Mah-ma-ma-ma-mah, ma-ma-ma-mah...

856
00:45:51,340 --> 00:45:54,780
BBC Two was fast
running out of viewers - and money.

857
00:45:54,780 --> 00:45:57,940
To solve this problem would
take all the brainiest brains

858
00:45:57,940 --> 00:46:00,700
of the BBC's brightest brains.

859
00:46:00,700 --> 00:46:03,900
This channel needs stars.
Stars cost money.

860
00:46:03,900 --> 00:46:07,620
We need stars that don't cost money.
Pipes in. Pencils out.

861
00:46:11,060 --> 00:46:12,500
I have the solution.

862
00:46:12,500 --> 00:46:15,140
Ordinary people.
HE CLEARS THROAT

863
00:46:15,140 --> 00:46:17,900
Psst! Are you still a communist?

864
00:46:17,900 --> 00:46:19,780
No. Nor am I.

865
00:46:19,780 --> 00:46:21,420
I still am.

866
00:46:21,420 --> 00:46:24,060
That's because you're
a horrid little homosexual.

867
00:46:24,060 --> 00:46:26,580
Gentlemen, I have calculated that

868
00:46:26,580 --> 00:46:31,780
a famous person plus money
equals a star.

869
00:46:31,780 --> 00:46:34,300
I've checked your calculation -
it's correct.

870
00:46:34,300 --> 00:46:40,100
I have also calculated that a star
is greater than...

871
00:46:40,100 --> 00:46:41,900
an ordinary person.

872
00:46:41,900 --> 00:46:45,380
If you take away money,

873
00:46:45,380 --> 00:46:48,700
you have to cancel out the star.

874
00:46:48,700 --> 00:46:52,220
But you are left with
a famous person

875
00:46:52,220 --> 00:46:56,740
who is greater than
an ordinary person.

876
00:46:56,740 --> 00:46:59,700
Ah! Hmm.

877
00:47:07,540 --> 00:47:09,340
I'm better than you.

878
00:47:09,340 --> 00:47:11,460
Yes, Lord Sugar.

879
00:47:11,460 --> 00:47:13,820
And I'm better than you.

880
00:47:13,820 --> 00:47:15,820
Yes, Lord Sugar.

881
00:47:17,100 --> 00:47:18,700
Look at my watch.

882
00:47:18,700 --> 00:47:21,060
Have you got a watch
as nice as this one?

883
00:47:21,060 --> 00:47:23,780
I don't think so -
I'm better than you.

884
00:47:23,780 --> 00:47:25,820
Yes, Lord Sugar.

885
00:47:25,820 --> 00:47:29,940
You haven't even got a watch -
I'm better than you.

886
00:47:29,940 --> 00:47:31,300
Yes, Lord Sugar.

887
00:47:34,300 --> 00:47:38,700
I earn more money every year
than you'll earn in your lives.

888
00:47:40,420 --> 00:47:41,660
Because I'm better than you.

889
00:47:41,660 --> 00:47:43,260
Yes, Lord Sugar.

890
00:47:43,260 --> 00:47:44,620
And I'm better than you.

891
00:47:44,620 --> 00:47:46,700
In due respect, Lord Sugar,

892
00:47:46,700 --> 00:47:49,700
I-I feel in my gut of guts that
I could be nearly as good as you...

893
00:47:49,700 --> 00:47:51,580
but she's holding me back.

894
00:47:54,140 --> 00:47:55,620
Oh, do you, now?

895
00:47:55,620 --> 00:47:59,940
Well, let me tell you, Sonny Jim Boy
With A Lot Of Glue In Your Hair,

896
00:47:59,940 --> 00:48:02,780
you'll never be as good as me
cos I'm better than you.

897
00:48:02,780 --> 00:48:04,700
Yes, Lord Sugar.

898
00:48:04,700 --> 00:48:06,860
And I'm better than you.
Oh, yes, Lord Sugar.

899
00:48:06,860 --> 00:48:09,820
Now, get out. Thank you very much,
Lord Sugar. Thank you, Lord Sugar.

900
00:48:14,340 --> 00:48:17,820
Simon is cooking
for three very important people.

901
00:48:17,820 --> 00:48:21,620
They're better chefs than Simon.
They're better people than Simon.

902
00:48:21,620 --> 00:48:23,260
They're all better than him.

903
00:48:31,420 --> 00:48:34,260
You've got five minutes, Simon,
and the clock's ticking.

904
00:48:34,260 --> 00:48:36,500
Which means you've only got
two minutes.

905
00:48:38,580 --> 00:48:42,580
Time's money to them, Simon,
and you've got just four minutes.

906
00:48:42,580 --> 00:48:46,340
Or 75p. Don't keep them waiting.
They're better than you.

907
00:48:47,900 --> 00:48:51,620
You've got 90 seconds left, Simon,
and that's less than ten minutes.

908
00:48:51,620 --> 00:48:54,580
This is no time to panic, mate,
but hurry up!

909
00:48:54,580 --> 00:48:58,900
Simon's got to give this meal 100%
and if he doesn't - phew!

910
00:49:00,260 --> 00:49:02,380
And I'm in a different room to you.

911
00:49:02,380 --> 00:49:04,500
What do you think his chances are?

912
00:49:04,500 --> 00:49:07,260
Exactly. I'm yellower than you.

913
00:49:10,420 --> 00:49:14,700
Mmm, mmm. They do
look absolutely marvellous.

914
00:49:14,700 --> 00:49:16,300
Not a hint of a soggy bottom.

915
00:49:16,300 --> 00:49:18,740
What a clever little
ordinary person you are.

916
00:49:18,740 --> 00:49:21,580
Wouldn't I make a wonderful queen?

917
00:49:21,580 --> 00:49:24,340
And I'm better than you.

918
00:49:24,340 --> 00:49:28,820
50 years ago,
this cathedral of programme making

919
00:49:28,820 --> 00:49:31,340
brought joy to the great unwashed.

920
00:49:31,340 --> 00:49:33,780
I like television.
I like Bruce Forsyth.

921
00:49:33,780 --> 00:49:35,060
I like Doctor Who.

922
00:49:35,060 --> 00:49:37,260
I like Coronation Street.

923
00:49:37,260 --> 00:49:40,980
How different
television looks today.

924
00:49:40,980 --> 00:49:42,500
I like Bruce Forsyth.

925
00:49:42,500 --> 00:49:44,020
I like Doctor Who.

926
00:49:44,020 --> 00:49:45,980
I like Coronation Street.

927
00:49:45,980 --> 00:49:49,980
BBC Two's contribution
has been immeasurable.

928
00:49:49,980 --> 00:49:53,700
I think the best show was
entirely my idea,

929
00:49:53,700 --> 00:49:59,660
made up entirely of live bands
presented by Jools Holland -

930
00:49:59,660 --> 00:50:03,020
and I cannot understand
why it didn't work.

931
00:50:03,020 --> 00:50:06,860
Ladies and gentlemen,
a very warm welcome to Earlier
with me, Jools Holland,

932
00:50:06,860 --> 00:50:09,500
the only breakfast show,
of course, with all live bands.

933
00:50:09,500 --> 00:50:12,140
And what a treat - Jeff Beck!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

934
00:50:12,140 --> 00:50:16,420
Jeff, perhaps if I could prod you
awake, a little poke there.

935
00:50:16,420 --> 00:50:17,900
No?

936
00:50:17,900 --> 00:50:21,100
But never mind because in reserve
it's Klaxons - that's right.

937
00:50:21,100 --> 00:50:22,940
APPLAUSE

938
00:50:22,940 --> 00:50:25,580
And no definite signs of life
but never mind -

939
00:50:25,580 --> 00:50:27,620
it's live TV, we move on.

940
00:50:27,620 --> 00:50:30,860
Round here in a great sweep
reminiscent of the Mississippi -

941
00:50:30,860 --> 00:50:33,380
of course the Mississippi Delta,
birthplace of the Blues -

942
00:50:33,380 --> 00:50:36,980
to the wonderful, charming
and wide-awake Damon Albarn.

943
00:50:36,980 --> 00:50:38,580
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

944
00:50:38,580 --> 00:50:40,500
Go away.

945
00:50:40,500 --> 00:50:42,460
I'll keep that thought
upmost in my mind

946
00:50:42,460 --> 00:50:44,700
and as I come round here,
I can see in the gloom

947
00:50:44,700 --> 00:50:47,500
a friend of the show over in
the corner - Rowland Rivron -

948
00:50:47,500 --> 00:50:51,300
but first we must traverse
the sleeping Chrissie Hynde,

949
00:50:51,300 --> 00:50:54,620
ladies and gentlemen. Sh.
FAINT APPLAUSE

950
00:50:54,620 --> 00:50:56,100
So I'm going to move here.

951
00:50:56,100 --> 00:50:58,700
Come along, come along. And joy
of joys - who's this here?

952
00:50:58,700 --> 00:51:01,540
It's Rowland Rivron,
ladies and gentlemen. Hootenanny!

953
00:51:01,540 --> 00:51:04,180
Yeah, and that, yes. I see you've
brought your dog Rover Rivron.

954
00:51:04,180 --> 00:51:06,060
Rover Rivron, ladies and gentlemen.

955
00:51:06,060 --> 00:51:09,300
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What type of dog is Rover Rivron,
Rowland Rivron?

956
00:51:09,300 --> 00:51:13,140
He's a Yorkshire Terrier, Jools.
That is quite fascinating
and really much more reminiscent

957
00:51:13,140 --> 00:51:15,140
of breakfast TV.
Thank you very much.

958
00:51:15,140 --> 00:51:18,140
I think in drama,
I'm most excited about our new

959
00:51:18,140 --> 00:51:20,420
Scandinavian series from
the director of The Killing.

960
00:51:24,340 --> 00:51:26,500
DOOR BELL RINGS

961
00:51:29,260 --> 00:51:31,820
RINGING CONTINUES

962
00:51:31,820 --> 00:51:33,820
MUSIC: OMINOUS VERSION OF
"Pingu" THEME

963
00:51:35,660 --> 00:51:38,900
HE SPEAKS
SCANDINAVIAN-SOUNDING GIBBERISH

964
00:51:42,820 --> 00:51:44,780
Waa-waa!

965
00:51:44,780 --> 00:51:46,100
Waa-waa!

966
00:51:51,900 --> 00:51:52,900
Waa-waa!

967
00:52:11,780 --> 00:52:13,620
Waa-bla-bla.

968
00:52:21,780 --> 00:52:22,980
Waa-waa!

969
00:52:35,780 --> 00:52:37,820
DOOR BELL RINGS

970
00:53:07,860 --> 00:53:10,220
SIREN WAILS

971
00:53:29,060 --> 00:53:31,620
I think in comedy,
the cheapest show -

972
00:53:31,620 --> 00:53:34,300
I mean, the best show -
has to be Panel Show.

973
00:53:36,260 --> 00:53:39,180
Hello and welcome to Panel Show.

974
00:53:39,180 --> 00:53:42,380
This week, I'm going to be sacked
for shagging about.

975
00:53:43,660 --> 00:53:45,140
And replaced by me.

976
00:53:46,940 --> 00:53:49,740
Ian, for whom did everything
go wrong this week?

977
00:53:49,740 --> 00:53:50,940
The Government?

978
00:53:52,660 --> 00:53:55,620
Is it Boris Johnson,
tousle-haired shagger?

979
00:53:56,820 --> 00:53:58,660
Boyish coy look.

980
00:53:58,660 --> 00:54:01,900
I love Poundland and potatoes
and I have periods.

981
00:54:01,900 --> 00:54:03,700
Ha-ha-ha! Rude word!

982
00:54:03,700 --> 00:54:05,740
What actually happened
was the Government...

983
00:54:05,740 --> 00:54:07,180
Is it a dolphin in a bathtub?

984
00:54:10,620 --> 00:54:14,940
Er, wasn't it total cock-up?
Er, the Government?

985
00:54:14,940 --> 00:54:17,340
And the interesting thing
about the Government

986
00:54:17,340 --> 00:54:20,260
is it has 428 on each tentacle,

987
00:54:20,260 --> 00:54:23,060
which allows it to eat
its own regurgitated sick.

988
00:54:23,060 --> 00:54:26,500
Alan, look like an overripe
strawberry.

989
00:54:28,300 --> 00:54:30,140
What did Ed Miliband this week?

990
00:54:30,140 --> 00:54:32,580
Er, Ed Miliband, total cock-up?

991
00:54:34,180 --> 00:54:37,300
I think what actually happened was
Ed Miliband - bad misjudgement,

992
00:54:37,300 --> 00:54:40,100
which was amusing because...
Is it a dolphin in a bath tub?

993
00:54:42,740 --> 00:54:46,580
Russell. Oh, my God, the Daily Mail!

994
00:54:46,580 --> 00:54:49,020
Oh, my God, the Daily Mail.

995
00:54:49,020 --> 00:54:51,260
Oh, my God, the Daily Mail!

996
00:54:51,260 --> 00:54:53,820
Oh, God, yeah, the Daily Mail.

997
00:54:53,820 --> 00:54:56,460
Oh, my God, the Daily Mail!

998
00:54:56,460 --> 00:54:59,380
Daily Mail, Boris Johnson,
a couple of slappers.

999
00:55:00,820 --> 00:55:03,020
Boyish coy look.

1000
00:55:03,020 --> 00:55:05,380
What actually happened
was the Daily Mail, Boris Johnson,

1001
00:55:05,380 --> 00:55:07,140
which... Is it a dolphin
in a bathtub?

1002
00:55:09,980 --> 00:55:13,380
Oh, my God, the Daily Mail -
total Nazis.

1003
00:55:13,380 --> 00:55:16,020
And the interesting thing
about the Nazis is

1004
00:55:16,020 --> 00:55:20,100
they actually won the Second World
War but it was changed in the film.

1005
00:55:21,740 --> 00:55:23,060
Alan, strawberry.

1006
00:55:24,380 --> 00:55:28,100
The interesting thing about Nazis -
there's no T in it.

1007
00:55:28,100 --> 00:55:30,580
Should actually be pronounced
"nah-zee".

1008
00:55:32,900 --> 00:55:36,300
Diddy Andy Hamilton,
please sneer at Ann Widdecombe.

1009
00:55:36,300 --> 00:55:37,780
Ann Widdecombe.

1010
00:55:38,820 --> 00:55:41,460
Ann Widdecombe! Eurgh!

1011
00:55:41,460 --> 00:55:43,500
And the truth about
Ann Widdecombe...

1012
00:55:43,500 --> 00:55:45,340
Is Ann Widdecombe
a dolphin in a bathtub?

1013
00:55:46,740 --> 00:55:49,940
And the interesting thing about
Ann Widdecombe is it's pronounced

1014
00:55:49,940 --> 00:55:52,100
"Ann Wuddicome" in parts of Scotland

1015
00:55:52,100 --> 00:55:54,620
and "Anne Wycombe"
in parts of Wycombe.

1016
00:55:54,620 --> 00:55:57,260
And I spend my evenings
cuddling me cushion,

1017
00:55:57,260 --> 00:55:59,100
which is more fun than
me boyfriend,

1018
00:55:59,100 --> 00:56:00,620
and it hides me cake shelf.

1019
00:56:02,140 --> 00:56:04,580
Oh, my God, the Daily Mail!

1020
00:56:04,580 --> 00:56:08,060
Can we bully some old people now?

1021
00:56:08,060 --> 00:56:11,540
Number one's an ugly ginge.
Number two's ugly and stupid.

1022
00:56:11,540 --> 00:56:13,620
Number three's ugly,
stupid and mental.

1023
00:56:13,620 --> 00:56:15,980
Number four's an ugly,
stupid, mental wanker.

1024
00:56:15,980 --> 00:56:19,420
And number five's an ugly, stupid,
mental wanker paedophile.

1025
00:56:20,820 --> 00:56:23,060
Number five's definitely a paedo.

1026
00:56:23,060 --> 00:56:28,140
A wonky-eyed-wanker paedo -
I'm going to throw a brick at him.

1027
00:56:28,140 --> 00:56:30,380
Look - I've cut his 'ead open!

1028
00:56:30,380 --> 00:56:31,980
It's number five,

1029
00:56:31,980 --> 00:56:35,260
the ugly, stupid, mental,
wonky-eyed wanker paedophile!

1030
00:56:37,060 --> 00:56:39,540
Disapproving look.

1031
00:56:39,540 --> 00:56:41,940
Stop-stop-stop starting
and start stopping.

1032
00:56:41,940 --> 00:56:44,500
Oh, my God, the Daily Mail!

1033
00:56:44,500 --> 00:56:46,060
Good night!

1034
00:56:46,060 --> 00:56:49,500
If BBC Two's past has been worth
celebrating,

1035
00:56:49,500 --> 00:56:51,540
what about the present?

1036
00:56:51,540 --> 00:56:54,060
Of course, what I'm
really excited about

1037
00:56:54,060 --> 00:56:57,660
is a brand-new 26-part documentary
we've just made

1038
00:56:57,660 --> 00:57:00,540
to celebrate the centenary
of the First World War.

1039
00:57:00,540 --> 00:57:04,700
December the 25th, 1914,
Christmas Day.

1040
00:57:06,180 --> 00:57:10,820
And up popped this German
right on top of the rubbly old nunk.

1041
00:57:12,260 --> 00:57:16,100
And we are chatting away to
these German scallywags.

1042
00:57:17,620 --> 00:57:20,780
I improvised a game of Fussball.

1043
00:57:20,780 --> 00:57:24,020
The game ended in a nil-all draw.

1044
00:57:24,020 --> 00:57:26,460
And the Germans won on penalties.

1045
00:57:26,460 --> 00:57:29,700
The Germans won on penalties,
so they won on penalties.

1046
00:57:29,700 --> 00:57:33,140
And the Germans won on penalties.

1047
00:57:33,140 --> 00:57:36,420
We Germans won on penalties.

1048
00:57:36,420 --> 00:57:40,260
The Germans won on penalties.

1049
00:57:49,220 --> 00:57:51,620
I've got wandering hands.

1050
00:57:53,460 --> 00:57:57,100
And in 50 years' time,
with so many new channels,

1051
00:57:57,100 --> 00:58:00,260
so many different
new forms of media,

1052
00:58:00,260 --> 00:58:02,620
will there be BBC Two?

1053
00:58:02,620 --> 00:58:05,620
And if there is,
will there be BBC Two...Too?

1054
00:58:39,580 --> 00:58:43,860
Johnny and I married a decade or so
after he directed me in the show

1055
00:58:43,860 --> 00:58:48,900
and we still like to keep the spark
alive for up to eight hours a day.

1056
00:58:51,580 --> 00:58:54,820
Charlie's going to eat
your face off! Oh!

1057
00:58:54,820 --> 00:58:55,820
Ah!

1058
00:59:01,420 --> 00:59:01,940
Goodness Gracious Me returns,

1059
00:59:02,140 --> 00:59:03,580
Oh, yes,
I bet you are well jel, in't it.