1 00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:06,200 This programme contains adult humour. 2 00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:10,600 The world is undergoing the worst recession in living memory. 3 00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:14,280 Super-rich bankers created the mess we're in. 4 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:17,080 But what about the other end of the food chain? 5 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:28,680 I will skive, skive and skive again to save the lifestyle I love! 6 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:30,880 State benefits account for a quarter 7 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:33,080 of Britain's national expenditure. 8 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,520 What punishment are we meting out 9 00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:38,400 to the scroungers and wastrels of this country? 10 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:39,400 Sorry, Mary hen. 11 00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:42,880 Looks like as if I'm away on one of my extended business trips again. 12 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:47,920 Are the super-poor as much to blame for broken Britain 13 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:49,200 as the super rich? 14 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:52,960 I aim confront one of the waster classes for myself. 15 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:57,400 He's been on state benefits for most of his adult life. 16 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:02,160 His name, if you don't know it, is Rab C Nesbitt. 17 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,080 Hello! 18 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,280 Smile! 19 00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:12,360 The meek shall inherit the earth! 20 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:21,160 And they don't come much meeker than me, boy! 21 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:26,320 And what the hell are you looking at? 22 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:30,200 A nutter. A 3D nutter. 23 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:41,160 And don't you ever, ever forget it. 24 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:45,640 Come on! Get ye in front of me! 25 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:47,160 You're late, ya bastard. 26 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:48,880 Take that, ya swine! 27 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,200 A true saying, Rab. 28 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:01,440 It's intelligence that separates men frae the animals. 29 00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:14,920 You'll be Rab C Nesbitt. 10 points for a coconut! You're dead right. 30 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:16,720 That's me, aye. 31 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:20,160 And you, of course, will be the latest establishment figure 32 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,080 to come up here and rebrand his career 33 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:24,640 and make wallopers oot a us locals, likely, eh? 34 00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:29,000 I can see we're going to get on famously. Aye, of course we will! 35 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:31,320 Come away into the office. 36 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:36,840 # If I had my life to live over 37 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:41,120 # I would still fall in love with you... # 38 00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:45,120 I see your hands are shaking. 39 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:48,400 Sure your nose is running. So what? 40 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,960 I'll get straight to the point, Mr Nesbitt. 41 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,280 How much, approximately, do you drink? 42 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:55,720 Sorry? Oh, I couldnae tell you that, chief. 43 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:59,160 I'm never sober enough to tally it up, you know! 44 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:02,160 There's nothing the matter wi' a wee drink. 45 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,400 Who the hell are you, by the way? 46 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:09,000 Oh, come on, Rab - use your imagination. 47 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:12,480 I'm the heebie-jeebies. 48 00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:22,400 So, this is your local. What do you like about this place? 49 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:26,680 Oh, well, it's the proximity, Johnny. It's the proximity. 50 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,480 It's 15 feet from my hoose, you know? 51 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:33,280 Alcoholic, pub, pub, alcoholic - you know what I'm saying? Shall we start? 52 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:34,880 Yes, certainly. 53 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:39,600 This is where we get down to the business. The old third degree. 54 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,320 The moral means test. 55 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:44,680 Does that worry you, Rab? May I call you Rab? 56 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:48,360 You can call me whatever the hell you like, boy. 57 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:51,560 Some people call you a feckless prat, don't they? 58 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:54,040 What exactly do you mean by "feckless"? 59 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:56,960 Well, I mean someone who's irresponsible, useless, 60 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,240 lazy and selfish. 61 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,520 Someone who contributes nothing to society 62 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:05,680 and who hasn't done a single day's work in his life. 63 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:13,880 There is a working population in this country of 20 million. 64 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:16,640 There is only 17 million jobs to go roond. 65 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,480 So some poor bugger's got to be on the bru, haven't they? 66 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:21,600 So, it might as well be them that likes it! 67 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:24,000 The case just doesn't meet the necessary conditions. 68 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,320 I don't know how you do your job. 69 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:29,120 I don't know how you sleep in your bed at night. 70 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,000 Because I couldnae sleep in ma bed at night. 71 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,440 That's cos you sleep during the day, da. Shut it! 72 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:36,880 I'll tell you this, boy. There's only one bloody job I want in here, 73 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:38,160 and that's your job. 74 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:39,880 Because frae where I'm standing, 75 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:43,600 you're getting paid good money for hee bloody haw! 76 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,160 Look, I think you'd better just leave it. Come on, ya... 77 00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,840 Away and work! 78 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:04,320 I don't actually think you've quite grasped 79 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:07,880 the subtlety of my business plan here, have you? 80 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:09,800 You're saying you're NOT a waster? 81 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:11,960 Oh, no, no, no - I'm not saying that. 82 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,440 No, no - I'm... I'm a waster all right. 83 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:16,880 But I am a cost-effective waster. 84 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:20,560 Unlike the banks, the poor don't hoard money. 85 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,440 See when I die, John? 86 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,920 When I die, there'll be nothing in my pockets but my testicles. 87 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:32,520 # Money money money 88 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:33,760 # Must be funny 89 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:35,000 # In a rich man's... # 90 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:38,840 Aha! Look at that! Hey! 91 00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:43,000 50p, ya beauty! Eh? 50p! 92 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,520 Might no mean much to you, 93 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:48,000 but it liberates my suit frae the pawn, you know what I'm saying? 94 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,440 Top of that, the washing machine's buggered. 95 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:54,040 I'm having to scrape the rubbish oot ma Y-fronts wi' a kirby grip 96 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:55,320 every couple a days. 97 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:59,160 Which is an oddly therapeutic experience, as it happens. 98 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:02,600 The simple pleasures of the poor, eh? 99 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,640 Look at this, boy. 100 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,680 It might no be by its sell-by date, 101 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,720 but it's long past its knock-by date, know what I mean? 102 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:18,000 Eh, excuse me, brother. City of Culture. 103 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,280 Ten pence for a fondue set? 104 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:23,120 Any chance of ten pence so I can phone an ambulance? 105 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:26,160 How do I know you won't spend it on drink? 106 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:29,240 Because if I do, 107 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:32,760 it'll come spurting out from the bayonet wound in my back here. 108 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,320 Oh look, there's a character. 109 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,520 GLASS SMASHES 110 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:46,680 'Rab's answering my questions truthfully enough 111 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,360 'but with a sort of practised detachment that tells me 112 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:52,640 'I'm not really testing him, getting under his skin. 113 00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:56,520 'Politicians defend themselves with arrogant self-assurance. 114 00:06:56,520 --> 00:07:01,800 'Wasters achieve the same effect with a thick blubber of complacency.' 115 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,520 A pint of lager, please. 116 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:05,680 And a pie! 117 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,400 Oh, and a pie. 118 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:09,800 Make that two. 119 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:11,440 'I've done my own research 120 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:15,400 'and have come up armed with my own damning Rab C Nesbitt file. 121 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:19,200 'With it, I mean to bury this character in the pit 122 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:22,040 'of his own filth and fecklessness. 123 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:25,080 'A sort of dirty dossier, if you will. 124 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:29,520 'I realise if I'm going to understand Rab, 125 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:32,720 'I have to discover his world for myself, 126 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:36,280 'to see it from the inside. But to do that, 127 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:39,000 'I need to walk a mile in his shoes.' 128 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:47,280 So here we are in Govan Cemetery, Rab. 129 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:49,840 What does this cemetery mean to you? 130 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,080 Nothing at all. 131 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:54,520 The Nesbitt family get the bin bag treatment. We're all cremated. 132 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,640 I know that's not strictly true, is it? 133 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,840 Your father is buried in Govan, isn't he? 134 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:02,040 My father and me had what's known in family circles 135 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:05,320 as a strained relationship. 136 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:10,040 How frank can I be here, John? Can I talk about violence? 137 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,600 Use code. Find another word for violence. 138 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:14,120 Er... 139 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,880 How about tickling? Lovely. 140 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:20,880 Basically my father would tickle my mother, I'd tickle him, 141 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:25,440 and we'd all roll about on the floor tickling each other till somebody passed out 142 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:29,240 or, well, something good came on the telly, you know? 143 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,080 SHOUTING 144 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:37,160 I don't need to be sneered at by you! 145 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:41,360 You've said ye'd do something one day - this had better be the day. 146 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:46,520 Right, ye big bastard. Come on! 147 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:51,400 Put that down, kid. 148 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,840 If I've got to come over there, I'll... 149 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:58,720 I'll... It's all right, I'll wait till you think of something. 150 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:01,640 HE GURGLES AND CHOKES 151 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:09,480 I think he's had a heart attack. 152 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,920 Well, let's hear it for cholesterol. 153 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,440 In fact, he's dead. 154 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:18,640 It's as well for him, or I'd have whisked the shite out of him. 155 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,880 My old man's headstone. 156 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:24,920 30 years dead today. 157 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:31,200 You'd think he'd be called by now, eh? 158 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:32,840 He was Rab B Nesbitt. 159 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,240 His fellah was Rab A, I'm Rab C. 160 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,720 What are we going to do when we run out of the alphabet? 161 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:42,440 I'd like to talk to you about your childhood. 162 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:46,280 Were you close to your father? Well, not if I could help it. 163 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:49,880 Otherwise, I'd get a boot aboot the melt, you know? Really? 164 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,200 And what is your earliest memory of him? 165 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:56,000 When I was 15, I'll always remember the friction burns 166 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,840 he left on the carpet when I handed over my first wage packet. 167 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,680 Oh... 168 00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:04,400 Well, that just goes to show you, doesn't it, Doctor? 169 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:09,400 You can live with somebody all your life, but you never really know them. 170 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:12,760 Did you not know my father was an alkie? 171 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,720 Oh, aye. But I never knew you had a job. 172 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:21,680 I mean, back then, well, my father's job was to get bladdered. 173 00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:23,800 That's what he did, you know? 174 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:27,680 My mother used to sit at the fireplace with a pot of stewed tea, 175 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:30,160 a packet of fags up the sleeve of her cardigan, 176 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:33,160 offloading to her eldest son, basically. 177 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:38,840 Would you like a cup of tea, son? 178 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:42,080 No, thanks. No trouble. No, thanks. 179 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,920 I'm having one myself. 180 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,000 No, thanks. Are you sure? 181 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,240 Mother? What? 182 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,360 Gonnae stick your tea up your arse! 183 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,800 But would you like some? 184 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,360 All right. Aye, I knew you would. 185 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,000 Nurse! Nurse! 186 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:05,240 Mr Nesbitt. Is everything all right? 187 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:08,880 All right? All right is it, no! 188 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:12,000 Everything is not bloody well all right! 189 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:17,280 You see that woman lying there? You see that woman lying there? That is my mother! That's my mother! 190 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:21,600 One of the finest, finest human beings ever to walk on this earth. 191 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,600 Yes, I know. Aye, well, look! 192 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,160 Bloody well look! Sorry? 193 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:29,640 She has not got her teeth in. 194 00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:33,240 Her gob is a calcium-free zone, isn't it? 195 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:36,680 And this is the woman that was so self-conscious 196 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:41,000 she used to have a dish towel over her knees when she was watching the telly, 197 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:45,480 because she thought Trevor McDonald could see in up her bloody skirt! 198 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:54,000 Rab, this is Restitution Street Secondary. 199 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:58,560 Was school a happy time for you? Happy? Have you got a dictionary? 200 00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:04,160 Actually, come to think of it, you know, to be honest with you, there was one happy memory. 201 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,560 We'll come to that later, eh? All right. 202 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:10,760 Do you remember any of your teachers? Couldn't forget them. 203 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,640 Be quiet and read. Be quiet and read? 204 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:20,880 Wee a bit of a contradiction there, sir, but I'll do my best. 205 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:24,280 I'm a wee bit of a character, but you'll get to know that. 206 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:33,760 "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. 207 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:37,440 "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. 208 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:41,120 "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." 209 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:44,000 Oh, come on! 210 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:48,800 I mean, the first two, I'll give you, but the meek inheriting the earth? 211 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:53,760 I mean what do you get after the earth - a Ford Popular and a free apartment in Castlemilk? 212 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:56,040 Right! That is the Bible! 213 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:58,880 But the Bible's talking keech, sir. Hands up! 214 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:05,280 You've talked about a single happy memory. What was that? 215 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:07,920 Well, I was a just a wee... 216 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,480 simple wee thing, you know? 217 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:14,440 I got sent a Valentine card, there you are. 218 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:16,680 Oh, I know, I know, me. 219 00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:18,480 Ugly, scabby Rab, eh? 220 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,920 I didnae do anything about it. 221 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:24,280 Why not? She was obviously interested. 222 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:28,080 No, John, no. Her people was classy. 223 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:31,720 I mean, they paid full rent and everything, you know? 224 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:38,400 Whereas you could've worn your living room carpet like a poncho, the size of the hole that was in it. 225 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,520 What ye got a big reddy for? 226 00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:52,320 Was that your first guess? 227 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,440 Good kisser, aren't I? 228 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,400 SHE SPITS 229 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:06,440 Sorry, Isabel, I should have finished my crisps before I kissed you. 230 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,920 Oh, it's all right. 231 00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:11,840 It's great bringing a picnic, isn't it? Aye. 232 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:14,800 I've never been on a picnic before. 233 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,800 Govan picnic. Ten fags and a bottle of Tizer. 234 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:23,920 'Well, it's the end of day one and what have I discovered? 235 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:28,000 'I know that Rab is streetwise and shifty. 236 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:32,480 'I know that I still despise everything he stands for, 237 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:34,920 'and that won't change. 238 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:40,160 'But significantly, I no longer despise Rab himself. 239 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,240 'What changed me? 240 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:46,680 'It was that little tale he told about the St Valentine's Day card. 241 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:52,880 'This gave him - and me - an insight, an illumination. 242 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:56,040 'I could see it in his face. 243 00:14:56,040 --> 00:15:00,080 'The path not taken, the life that might have been but never was. 244 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:06,040 'It's day two, and I fully intend to employ insider knowledge 245 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:10,000 'to outflank Rab. There's someone coming to see me 246 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,560 'who can help me achieve just that.' 247 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,000 All right? Thanks. Lovely. 248 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,880 Who's paying for this, Johnny boy, eh? 249 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:24,080 My licence fee, eh? Rab! 250 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:28,120 Mary, how probing can I make my questions? 251 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,560 Well, eh... 252 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,600 Hey, hey, you probe away, 253 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:34,320 I'll be in the toilet. 254 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,240 I have to ask you this. 255 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:39,880 How could an intelligent, attractive woman like you 256 00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:43,760 choose a disgusting reprobate like Rab for a husband? 257 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:45,400 She got lucky! Aw, butt out! 258 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:50,960 Well, deep down, Rab is a romantic. 259 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,520 FARTING AND URINATING NOISES 260 00:15:53,520 --> 00:16:00,400 And he wooed me with a heady combination of chips and ginger. 261 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:03,080 Oh, er...fizzy juice. 262 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,960 We're Rab and Mary Nesbitt here, you know? 263 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,800 Our marriage is mair stable than the monarchy. 264 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:16,640 Our marriage is an encouragement to every heidbanger, deviant 265 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:20,080 and mouth-breathin' sociopath in Wine Alley! 266 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,960 This is no time to romanticise, Rab. 267 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,120 Rab? Hey! 268 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:29,640 Do I look all right? 269 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,920 Oh, you look better than all right. 270 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:37,560 You look...no bad. 271 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:43,560 I wish you'd get it into your napper that... 272 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,480 that I love ye, ya daft bitch! 273 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:50,800 And I love you... 274 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:52,880 ya honkin' midden. 275 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:56,480 So you're saying it was a love match right from the start? 276 00:16:56,480 --> 00:17:02,160 Well, I was inexperienced. I had nothing to compare him with. 277 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:05,880 I thought all men must have no shirts and smell of bins. 278 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:09,480 I tell ye, see women nowadays? I don't know. 279 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:12,680 I mean, mibbe you can tell me. Cos see mine? 280 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:16,360 All I ever get is, "I want this," and, "Gimme that." 281 00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:17,640 See in the old days? 282 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:22,160 All ye ever had to give them was a quick skite around the chops. 283 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:25,000 I'll tell you something else, they were happier for it. 284 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:29,400 They loved ye for it! Even begged ye for more! 285 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,200 No that you ever gave them any, y'understand. 286 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:33,920 Ye don't want to spoil them. 287 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:37,720 Nowadays, ye cannae even talk to them, you know? 288 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:42,520 D'you know what it was last year? An orgasm. Eh? 289 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:47,280 "Hey, you, gie's an orgasm! Her next door got one." 290 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:51,520 Well, away across the landing and get a lend of hers! 291 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:55,720 You'll get nae sexual satisfaction fae me, lady! Tell ye. 292 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,080 Give it ecstasy once and next thing ye know, it'll be, 293 00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:04,520 "Aw, Rab, let us fondle your simmit. How was it for you?" 294 00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:06,640 I just tell her straight, I say, 295 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:09,360 "Listen, lady, I have no idea how it was for me, 296 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:13,040 "cos I always make a point of going to sleep before we finish." 297 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:17,120 If you could turn back the clock and live your life all over again, 298 00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:19,040 what would you change? 299 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,160 Oh, well... 300 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,160 my living room carpet. 301 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,720 Dark colours show up everything. 302 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:31,320 Oh, and my PIN number. Rab stole my credit card again. Didn't you, Rab? 303 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:36,000 Rab? Rab! 304 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:39,240 DOOR SLAMS Such larks, eh? 305 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:49,760 Hello, there, Mary doll! What the hell time do you call this? 306 00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:53,240 What am I talking about? What the hell MONTH do you call this? 307 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,520 C'mon, don't be like that, c'mere. 308 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:59,040 Don't you "come here" me, Rab Nesbitt! 309 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:01,960 You come staggering back here after three months on the jug 310 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,240 and you expect me to welcome you with open arms? 311 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:07,040 Open legs would be better. 312 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:11,320 How can I put this without hurting your feelings? 313 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:13,960 See if I was marooned on Fanny Island? 314 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:18,240 And there was nothing but fannies as far as the eye could see? 315 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,920 And I spotted a footprint in the sand 316 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:26,720 and I discovered that footprint was made by Rab "Two Cocks" Nesbitt? 317 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:30,240 I wouldnae take a lend of those two cocks to rub together to make a fire. 318 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:33,880 That's how much chance you have of a wee snuggle up. 319 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:38,560 Are you readin' me, Rab? Oh, yes. Loud and clear, Mary. 320 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:41,400 No semaphore required. 321 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:45,880 Night, then, sweetheart. Good night, sweetheart. 322 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,800 See that woman there? See that woman? 323 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:53,400 If it came to a choice between that woman or Michelle Pfeiffer... 324 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,840 I would choose Michelle Pfeiffer. 325 00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:59,920 Mind you, I'd have the decency to fee a wee bit guilty about it, 326 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:04,040 you know? That's the kind of big-hearted bastard I am. 327 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:06,360 Watch and learn. 328 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,240 Is that you, Mary doll? 329 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,600 Aye, that's me, Rab. And my lunch better be on the table. 330 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,400 It certainly is! 331 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:21,760 Surprise! 332 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,640 Wrap your gnashers roon that! 333 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,160 I was just... 334 00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:30,760 Anybody fancy chips? 335 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:34,760 Eh, Rab...see that TLC? 336 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:36,240 You got any left for me? 337 00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:40,720 If you have the pollen, Mary, 338 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,760 I have the stem! 339 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,600 That's the thing about Mary, isn't it? 340 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:51,360 Doesnae matter how tame you get. Your wullie's still aff its heid. 341 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:58,600 'Mary is a lovely woman, but understandably she's biased. 342 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,640 'I need to talk to Nesbitt's friends, 343 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:04,080 'and who better or worse than the toxic waster in a jacket 344 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,440 'that is James Aaron Cotter.' 345 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:10,880 Jamesie, what is your relationship with Rab? 346 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,200 I am Rab's best friend. 347 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:18,720 Ya big, mawkit, wet-brained keech-kicker, that ye are. 348 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:22,000 You, ya wee heap of rancid pus that you are, eh? 349 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:27,400 Rab describes himself as a drunken waster - are you the same? 350 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:31,160 Rab is more guzzle-orientated than myself. 351 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,760 I can be drinking quietly, then lo, 352 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:37,000 I hear the call of the wild hunting horn 353 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:41,040 from down below in my loins and I veer off down the alleyways of Govan 354 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:46,760 in pursuit of joyful, meaningless, empty sex. 355 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:53,040 You're too good for this world. 356 00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:55,480 You've never been understood. 357 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:58,080 D'you mean that? 358 00:21:58,080 --> 00:21:59,560 Or are you just bein'... 359 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,480 I'm Jamesie... 360 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,440 I'm here to help. 361 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:08,640 Eh, here she's Strippin' The Willow there, eh? 362 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,720 D'you want me to strip her for ye? 363 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:19,080 This is the game, eh? 364 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:22,080 See this is what I call living, Mary hen. 365 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,920 If ever I fancy going out with 366 00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:27,560 a married middle-aged loser that's got bigger tits than I've got, 367 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:29,400 I'll be sure to get in touch. 368 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,000 Right, well. 369 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:32,240 No, no, I needed that, 370 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:34,160 cos I've been a bit too successful 371 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,800 wi' the bints lately, know? 372 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:39,240 Rab... 373 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:42,440 Rab! 374 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:47,720 Did I get aff wi' Esther Rantzen last night? 375 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,560 Gonnae, gonnae take a... 376 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:58,000 Gonnae take a look and tell me what to dae. 377 00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,960 Dae what you always dae. 378 00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:01,800 Bung her a fake phone number 379 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,560 and tell her you'll gie her a bell next week. 380 00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:08,160 Come on, champ! 381 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:12,040 Pick yerself up. 382 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:14,000 You've still got your pride. 383 00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:21,200 DOG WHINES AND BARKS 384 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:33,920 You describe yourself as Rab's best friend, 385 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:35,800 but one of the woman you had an affair with 386 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,280 was Mary, his wife, didn't you? 387 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:44,320 This is what we in the sleaze industry call a revenge rumba. 388 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:47,600 You see Rab had been indelicate with a young lady. 389 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:52,080 Upon hearing this, I immediately rushed round to comfort Mary... 390 00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:54,000 with my... 391 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:55,720 comforter. 392 00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:58,560 How often did you comfort her? 393 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,440 A gentleman never tells. 394 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:06,720 Four times altogether excluding an exuberant fumble on parting. 395 00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:15,640 Don't lump all men together, Mary. I mean, I'm a feminist myself, you know. 396 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:19,680 I understand women. Well, I should - I've shagged hundreds of you. 397 00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,200 All right there, Mary hen? 398 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:22,920 Aye. 399 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:27,000 I was just saying to the boys here that you must be feeling a wee bit miserable, you know, 400 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,240 wi' Rab being away. A wee bit insecure, like. 401 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,040 Aye. I'll tell ye something else. 402 00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:31,920 What's that? 403 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:33,920 I'm no half missing a podger. 404 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:43,440 I've never told you this before, but see you, Mary? You're a fine- lookin' woman, by the way. 405 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:48,920 And you're...a fine-lookin' man, Jamesie. 406 00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:59,040 In the name of God! 407 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:05,200 Cotter. You ruined my life. You stole my wife. 408 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:09,040 I went to the jail because of you. You hear me, Cotter? 409 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:11,760 I'm no scared of you, Nesbitt. 410 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:17,160 If you wannae fight, sure, I'll be happy to take you outside 411 00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,200 and teach you a lesson. 412 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:23,280 Unfortunately, I am blind. 413 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:26,520 A tragic drinking accident robbed me of my sight, 414 00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:28,520 otherwise I would be willing... 415 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:31,400 nay, delighted to take you outside 416 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:34,600 and gie you a thrashing you'd never forget. 417 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:37,320 It cannae be adultery. I'm your mate. 418 00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:38,480 What does that make it? 419 00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:39,960 Friendly fire. 420 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:45,800 Do you promise me that what you said was true that you never once 421 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,320 betrayed me with that woman? 422 00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:49,640 My word of honour. 423 00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:54,360 And do you promise that you have never been unfaithful to me? 424 00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:55,800 Oh, I do, Rab. 425 00:25:55,800 --> 00:26:00,920 Cos let's face it, what is a marriage without honesty? 426 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:02,880 Happy anniversary, Rab. 427 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:05,200 Happy anniversary, Mary doll. 428 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:13,640 Right, then, now that's settled, why don't we all get pished, strip to the scuddy 429 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,920 and have a wee foursome on the carpet for old times' sake? 430 00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:20,560 Worth a shot. 431 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,160 Apart from sleeping with his wife, 432 00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:25,840 you also coaxed Rab back into drinking, didn't you? 433 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:30,880 Yes. That is correct. But I don't look for thanks. 434 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:42,680 Naw, naw, naw, I'm no going back to the drink. Ye can cut that oot right now. 435 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,120 It's self, self, self with you, in't it? 436 00:26:45,120 --> 00:26:46,680 What about your pals? 437 00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:49,240 We need a chronic alcoholic in our lives. 438 00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:51,440 It takes the bad look off the rest of us. 439 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:53,960 Pure gallus, eh? 440 00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:57,960 Hey, it gets better, too. Show them, Rab. 441 00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:00,720 Hey! 442 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:06,520 I'll tell you, it's a bloody sight more fun worn inside than out, eh? 443 00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:09,840 I know what you're thinking here. 444 00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:14,280 I am not, I am not an alkie, 445 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:18,040 because alkies get pissed 446 00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:21,600 and lie aboot in gutters. 447 00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:26,200 Well, fair enough, I am pissed. 448 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:28,000 I am lying in a gutter. 449 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,240 But the point is, 450 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:34,080 I just dae it casual, you know? 451 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:39,360 I mean, to alkies, that's their day job. 452 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:42,400 I mean, see drink? 453 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:45,760 I just take it to be sociable, 454 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:48,600 to pass myself in company, you know? 455 00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:57,760 To lay down the bottom line, I can take drink and I can leave it. 456 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,560 I'd sooner take it, all the same. 457 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:12,080 'While still in the pub, a flirtatious female of uncertain vintage caught my attention. 458 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:14,440 'It was Jamesie Cotter's wife.' 459 00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:15,520 My name is Ella. 460 00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:20,600 Along with Mary, I'm a joint director and fellow operative 461 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:23,920 of the House Mice Hygiene Enterprises. 462 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:25,920 You mean you're a cleaner? Correct. 463 00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:28,320 If I could ask you this, now just... 464 00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:32,600 I bet you've never had relations this far north, have you? 465 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:35,240 You should try it. 466 00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:37,400 Scottish women are always ready - 467 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:39,480 it's the damp in the air that does it. 468 00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:47,960 Pleased to meet you...Joe. 469 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:52,680 Pleased to meet you...Ella. 470 00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:00,400 You all right, Ella? Can I get you anything? 471 00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:04,680 Start with a dry pair of knickers. 472 00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:08,760 Aaaaarrrrggghhh! 473 00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:12,680 Put the mask on, put the mask on! 474 00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:15,240 Ella. 475 00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:16,240 What? 476 00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,920 Are we having a lesbian love affair? 477 00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:22,360 I don't know Mary. How? 478 00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:26,680 Cos we're woke up in the same bed and we're lying in the bare scuddy. 479 00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:29,040 We are? 480 00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:32,320 In the name o' God! 481 00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:36,800 Oh...and that's no the only thing. 482 00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:41,280 What is it? You've got a love bite on your neck! 483 00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:43,240 That's nothing, Mary. What? 484 00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:47,520 You've got one on your arse! 485 00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:52,600 If you could have one wish granted, what would it be? 486 00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:56,040 I wouldn't want anything for myself. 487 00:29:56,040 --> 00:30:01,640 But I'd like a fatal stroke for Jamesie. I think he deserves it. 488 00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:06,440 Are you still on that Bumhole.com? Naw, I'm on Facebook. 489 00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:12,000 The last place on earth where a man can give a woman a poke without getting his coupon slapped! 490 00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:18,000 Are there two Fs in sphincter? 491 00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:25,560 'Heartened insights gleaned in the pub, I sought to run my scalpel 492 00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:31,400 'down the bared nerves of Rab's psyche. I'm exaggerating a bit, but it's a nice sentence.' 493 00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:33,920 We're born alone and we die alone. 494 00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:38,920 And the bit in the middle, well, it's negotiable, innit? 495 00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:43,360 Is that why you found religion? No. Religion actually found me, John. 496 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:49,080 I was actually hiding at the bottom of an empty glass, but funnily enough, it knew where to look. 497 00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:54,760 Would you care to join us, Mr Nesbitt? 498 00:30:54,760 --> 00:31:00,600 What, with the Masonic version of Christianity? Oh, aye. 499 00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:05,960 And lo, three Protestants came from the Eastern Star bearing gifts - 500 00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:09,400 gold, frankincense, and Nick Faldo golf clubs. 501 00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:12,480 And they looked upon the Saviour and said, 502 00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:15,720 "Verily, I think ye looketh a bit Papal to me. 503 00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:18,320 "Look at the way his eyebrows meeteth in the middle. 504 00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:22,480 "And look at the way his bootees waggle when we showeth him 505 00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:25,040 "the video of Riverdance. 506 00:31:25,040 --> 00:31:27,760 "Nevertheless, we shall call him Findlay. 507 00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:32,360 "Findlay Corstorphine Christ. We'll put his name down for St Andrews 508 00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:36,920 "and we shall buy him a Hillman Imp for his 21st." 509 00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:42,840 Oh, you're all right, I think I'll just have a fag instead. 510 00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:49,400 ..When Jesus came of age and he knew there were a number of things that he must do. 511 00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:51,880 And he went up to Jerusalem 512 00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:59,840 and he found in the temple there those that sold oxen and sheep and the changers of the money, 513 00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:02,600 sitting... You go on, yerself, son! You tell 'em! 514 00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:11,160 And after Jesus had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple! 515 00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:13,600 And the sheep and the oxen! 516 00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:16,720 That's all yous he's talking about, by the way. 517 00:32:16,720 --> 00:32:23,120 All you Frasers and Emilias with your Benetton oxes and your Pringle sheep! Get them all away! 518 00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:24,920 I'll tell you this, boy. 519 00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:32,120 See me? I've got nothing, by the way, nothin'! But I have never once coveted my neighbour's wife! 520 00:32:32,120 --> 00:32:36,880 There ye are. Even though she's separated now. 521 00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:39,400 That's not my style! Not my style! 522 00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:41,600 Look, pal, I appreciate your enthusiasm, 523 00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:44,800 but if I wanted a support act, I'd have booked one. Now get lost! 524 00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:46,480 All right, all right, all right! 525 00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:50,920 Why is religion such a divisive subject in Sotland? 526 00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:55,960 It's not just divisive in Scotland, is it? It's divisive anywhere. 527 00:32:55,960 --> 00:33:01,800 Up here, they ask what school you went to, so they can find out what religion you are. 528 00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:05,160 But in the home counties, they ask you what school you went to 529 00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:08,040 to find out if you were privately educated or not. 530 00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:11,080 See England? Class. That's what your religion is. 531 00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:19,280 Excuse me, Jim. I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm trying to get to Sidcup, no? 532 00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:22,520 The wife's cousin's going to gie us a billet down there, 533 00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:25,880 so I'm wanting to know how to get there and that, no? What? 534 00:33:25,880 --> 00:33:29,280 Sidcup. I'm trying to get to Sidcup. 535 00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:32,560 I'm sorry, I can't understand what you're saying. 536 00:33:32,560 --> 00:33:35,120 Eh, you can't understand what I'm saying? 537 00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:36,360 Oh, is that a fact? 538 00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:38,160 Well, answer me this, boy. 539 00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:42,480 Do you watch the television? Eh? Do you watch Neighbours? 540 00:33:42,480 --> 00:33:43,760 Neighbours, yes. 541 00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:45,800 Do you understand that? 542 00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:47,000 Of course. 543 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:50,240 Well, that's a funny thing, isn't it? That's a funny thing. 544 00:33:50,240 --> 00:33:53,320 Because I will tell you, that is Australian, by the way. 545 00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:56,440 That comes from halfway round the other side of the world! 546 00:33:56,440 --> 00:34:00,440 And I just come from five minutes up the road in Glasgow. 547 00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:03,760 So if you can understand that, you can understand me. 548 00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:07,120 So in future, clean your bloody ears oot! 549 00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:11,800 Ignorant bamstick. 550 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:16,080 What we're eating here is a common Govan delicacy 551 00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:18,720 called a fish supper. Is that right, Rab? 552 00:34:18,720 --> 00:34:22,640 Well, yeah, that's right, but it's no really right. 553 00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:26,920 For reasons obscure, there's actually no "aitch" in it, no "aitch". 554 00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:30,800 It's actually...a "fiss supper", a "fiss supper". 555 00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:33,640 A fiss supp-urr. Correct! 556 00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:39,280 MARY: Gie me the chips. 557 00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:43,520 They'll be cold by noo. Aw, so what? I hate posh dinners. 558 00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:46,520 Tiny wee amounts, having to eat before ye eat. 559 00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:01,440 DOOR OPENS 560 00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:03,800 Hello... BOTH: Hello! 561 00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:12,720 Some place, Govan, eh? Where else can you get a fish supper at nine o'clock in the morning? 562 00:35:12,720 --> 00:35:13,800 Simple. 563 00:35:13,800 --> 00:35:20,040 You just pamp it off a drunk that's been lying pissed ootside his close all night. 564 00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:23,400 Want a wee drop of this? Aye... 565 00:35:35,280 --> 00:35:38,920 Diet up here is notoriously unhealthy. 566 00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:42,200 Did you never eat fruit or vegetables as a child? 567 00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:46,240 Well...really, we were just like everybody else up here, 568 00:35:46,240 --> 00:35:48,720 every other family in the street. 569 00:35:48,720 --> 00:35:52,720 I mean, we had a fruit bowl, we just didnae have any fruit. 570 00:35:52,720 --> 00:35:55,640 For years, I thought kirby grips and gas bills must be fruit, 571 00:35:55,640 --> 00:35:59,280 cos, well, that was a' that was ever in the fruit bowl, you know? 572 00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:01,480 Do you blame your parents for that? Nah. 573 00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:04,120 I realised the wheel turns full circle. 574 00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:08,400 I mean, I came to realise it's... well, you must know this yersel', 575 00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:11,320 it's thankless being a parent, innit? 576 00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:19,600 Burney...come here, son. I've a wee present for ye. 577 00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:24,080 Oh, great, can I, Da, can I? Aye, go on, son, you deserve it! 578 00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:34,240 That's my boy! That's my boy. 579 00:36:34,240 --> 00:36:38,640 There's nothing wrong with the human body - it's a perfectly normal and natural thing. 580 00:36:38,640 --> 00:36:41,280 Does that mean you'll be going topless, then, Maw? 581 00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:43,960 Certainly not! I think it's bloody disgusting. 582 00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:47,280 Thank Christ for that. Shut it you, ya wee... 583 00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:51,600 Don't be so sexist. Your mother's got marvellous tits. 584 00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:54,920 Want a wee chip, Burney, son? 585 00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:58,760 Stick yer chips up yer arse! Hey, hey, hey, manners! 586 00:36:58,760 --> 00:37:00,600 Please! 587 00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:03,840 So, ye pump your arse oot the window and you tell your ugly 588 00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:06,560 wee granddaughter the story of your life. 589 00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:09,560 Where you drank a' the drink, ate a' the pies 590 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:12,400 and shit logs that you could block the Clyde with. 591 00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:15,200 It's all a load o' crap, of course, but it's the only thing 592 00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:18,040 that keeps her stupid wee yap shut, you know what I'm saying? 593 00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:21,920 I feel sullied! But we are sullied, we're Nesbitts. 594 00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:24,120 Shut it, you! Yer maw's right. 595 00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:27,200 Youse boys don't realise the kind of world we're living in here. 596 00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:29,200 The kind of things your mother and I 597 00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:32,480 try and protect you against, like drugs and violence... 598 00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:34,920 And work. Aye, exactly! 599 00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:37,160 I mean, the world's no the place it used to be. 600 00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:39,760 Fair enough, I might be a parasite, 601 00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:43,240 but there is a breed of super-parasite oot there noo 602 00:37:43,240 --> 00:37:47,200 that makes us Nesbitts look like...the bloody Royal Family! 603 00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:50,240 Come on, Rab, we're no that bad. 604 00:37:50,240 --> 00:37:56,280 It's sad to think that this place was the hub of British industry. 605 00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:59,840 Aye... You know, the truth of the matter is, John, 606 00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:03,920 nae welder in Govan can get a job as a welder nowadays. 607 00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:07,240 But you'll get a grant to put on a play about welders IN Govan, 608 00:38:07,240 --> 00:38:08,880 you know what I'm sayin'? 609 00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:11,440 I mean, actually some day the dole's going to offer me 610 00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:14,320 a job as a mime artist - miming being on the dole. 611 00:38:14,320 --> 00:38:16,680 Are you with me? 612 00:38:19,720 --> 00:38:21,840 Do you want this job or not? 613 00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:24,880 No, I don't want this job, of course I don't want this job! 614 00:38:24,880 --> 00:38:28,040 You're gonnae gie it to me anyway and just shut up? 615 00:38:28,040 --> 00:38:31,480 Right. Who here would like a job? 616 00:38:34,680 --> 00:38:37,960 Mrs Maxwell, can I introduce Rab, who's been tidying your garden for you? 617 00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:40,920 I'm 84, you know. 618 00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:43,400 Aye, I thought that. 619 00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:46,360 No really worth your while goin' on, is it? 620 00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:49,400 That is why I have prepared you this...! 621 00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,520 But that's no a'... 622 00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:55,400 I'll throw ye a bin bag as well! 623 00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:58,960 It is a 24/7 job these days, avoiding work. D'ye know that? 624 00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:04,520 I actually pity young wasters comin' into the laziness industries nowadays. What chance have they got? 625 00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:07,400 You've really done nothing in your life, have you, Rab? 626 00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:10,440 Actually, funny you should say that, I mean... 627 00:39:10,440 --> 00:39:15,280 cos I was actually just mappin' the genome there before I come oot the hoose. 628 00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:17,520 Catch a grip of yersel'! 629 00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:20,360 You tellin' me you've come all the way up here frae London 630 00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:22,880 to interview a guy that's done nothin' with his life? 631 00:39:22,880 --> 00:39:25,040 And you're takin' a wage packet for that?! 632 00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:27,240 Have ye no pride, man, have ye nae pride? 633 00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:32,320 Now, if you'll excuse me - I'm away to find a cure for cancer, 634 00:39:32,320 --> 00:39:33,440 ya bam that ye are! 635 00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:40,840 'At last, I'd succeeded in getting under Rab's skin. 636 00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:46,120 'I don't want to leave Govan on bad terms, 637 00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:50,640 'so I've agreed to meet Rab and the others for a wee swally before I go.' 638 00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:57,840 So, what was your question again? What are you? 639 00:39:57,840 --> 00:40:01,600 I've telt ye. I'm a statistic! 640 00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:03,640 I mean, poverty never goes oot of fashion 641 00:40:03,640 --> 00:40:06,080 so I'll tell you one thing, my future is secure. 642 00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:09,920 I mean, how many of you people in work can say the same thing? 643 00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:11,120 I can't. 644 00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:17,000 Naebody knows what I'm talkin' aboot! 645 00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:20,080 SHOUTING 646 00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:23,840 IMPASSIONED RANTING IN SPANISH 647 00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:31,040 Bandy! Bandy! 648 00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:35,120 Bandy, bandage, aye... Bandage! 649 00:40:35,120 --> 00:40:38,360 Oh, amigo, amigo...! 650 00:40:38,360 --> 00:40:41,000 You tell the bastards! You tell the bastards! 651 00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:43,640 EXCITED TORRENT OF SPANISH 652 00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:46,640 Hands across the sea, brother! Hands across the sea! 653 00:40:46,640 --> 00:40:50,520 Adios! Adios! 654 00:40:56,080 --> 00:41:00,240 There's nothing restores your faith mair in human nature 655 00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:05,000 than meetin' some poor bastard that's just as mad as yersel', eh? 656 00:41:05,000 --> 00:41:09,240 Wait and see this. I love this, watch this... 657 00:41:09,240 --> 00:41:11,240 Look, look, look. Ready? 658 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:18,160 Soft eject. See that, ye see that? 659 00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:20,600 I'll do it again, I'll do it again. 660 00:41:20,600 --> 00:41:22,640 I love it. I lap it up, so I dae. 661 00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:29,480 A moment of sanity in a world gone mad. 662 00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:34,000 I'm goin'. I'm goin'. 663 00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:38,080 You'll go far, by the way, you know? 664 00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:39,880 Your patter's magic(!) 665 00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:45,960 They're worse than I am, worse. And I'm scum! 666 00:41:45,960 --> 00:41:50,080 Eh? I mean, maybe you can work it oot, because I cannae. 667 00:41:50,080 --> 00:41:53,640 But then again, who am I, eh? Who am I? Eh? 668 00:41:53,640 --> 00:41:58,120 Nah, nah... See when you scrape it a' away, a' the crap, 669 00:41:58,120 --> 00:42:01,480 and you get right doon to it, right doon to the bottom line - 670 00:42:01,480 --> 00:42:04,880 they're all a lot o' jumped-up fascist bastards, that's what they are! 671 00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:07,160 C'mon. What about a drink? 672 00:42:07,160 --> 00:42:11,160 Maybe just the one, out of politeness. 673 00:42:11,160 --> 00:42:13,520 Hey-hey! You're the man for me. 674 00:42:17,080 --> 00:42:20,560 BOTH: # We got married in a fever 675 00:42:21,520 --> 00:42:24,400 # Hotter than a pepper sprout 676 00:42:25,600 --> 00:42:28,560 # We've been talkin' about Jackson 677 00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:32,200 # Ever since the fire went out 678 00:42:32,200 --> 00:42:34,840 # I'm going to Jackson 679 00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:38,440 # I'm going to mess around 680 00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:42,320 # Yeah, I'm going to Jackson 681 00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:46,400 # Look out, Jackson town! # 682 00:42:47,560 --> 00:42:50,680 You're looking a wee bit peely-wally there, Johnny boy... 683 00:42:50,680 --> 00:42:54,840 No, I'm all right, I just had a bad pint. I'm OK. 684 00:42:54,840 --> 00:42:58,720 Oh, a wee bad pint. Oh, yes, it's been known to happen. 685 00:42:58,720 --> 00:43:02,160 I believe you, I believe you. Oh, good. 686 00:43:02,160 --> 00:43:03,560 Thank you. Aye. 687 00:43:03,560 --> 00:43:07,680 And th-thank you for everything. Aye, nae bother. 688 00:43:07,680 --> 00:43:10,680 I, er... You know, I... 689 00:43:10,680 --> 00:43:12,000 I love you. 690 00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:15,000 I love you, big fella, I really do. 691 00:43:15,000 --> 00:43:18,200 Aye, nae bother... Nae bother... I love you tae! 692 00:43:18,200 --> 00:43:19,440 Argh...! 693 00:43:23,680 --> 00:43:27,840 'I arrived in Govan in search of Rab C Nesbitt's recession. 694 00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:31,840 'The poverty I was looking for is easy to find. 695 00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:35,440 'It's in the leaky trainer and the choked aorta valve. 696 00:43:35,440 --> 00:43:39,400 'Miraculously, that Govan heart still beats - and strongly. 697 00:43:41,080 --> 00:43:43,000 'But why should I be surprised? 698 00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:45,720 'As Rab says, scum always rises to the top. 699 00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:50,840 'So do I approve of Rab? No. 700 00:43:50,840 --> 00:43:53,760 'Do I like him? Yes. 701 00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:57,000 'Will any of his ways rub off on me? 702 00:43:57,000 --> 00:43:58,920 'Not a chance. 703 00:44:00,880 --> 00:44:03,200 'Now, what are you waiting for? 704 00:44:04,240 --> 00:44:06,360 'Beat it!' 705 00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:33,000 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 706 00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:34,600 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk