Welcome to a comedy feast fit for kings. Roger my arse!
Tonight, we look back through the Royle Family archives to reveal
the greatest moments of this glorious sitcom.
You were very good there. No, she was.
Thank you, Craig. I mean... I wouldn't normally praise her.
The Royle Family has scooped a staggering
23 awards during its 20-year reign as Britain's best-loved comedy.
He's got it right, that El Mambo, hasn't he?
In a TV exclusive, the show's writers and stars,
Craig Cash and Caroline Aherne, select their 10 favourite scenes.
Aww. Aww, that was one of my favourite bits.
Plus the roll-call of celebrities queuing up to share their favourite
Royle moments reads like a Who's Who of British comedy.
I think it's some of the best writing that has been on the television.
There are so many fantastic moments and it's consistently brilliant.
PHH-RRR-RT!
I don't think since Dad's Army have there been performances that are so fitting to the writing.
Best of all, we reunite Manchester's finest couch potatoes to reveal their all-time favourite scene.
So all rise for The Royle Family Portraits.
Hitting our screens in 1998, more than three million viewers tuned in to watch the Royles watch the telly,
with dad Jim on his throne doing what he does best, picking his arse.
SLURPS
Mam, will you tell Antony to stop slurping his tea?!
Antony, stop slurping your tea.
Dave eats like a pig and you never say 'owt to him.
He does not eat like a pig, that's asthma, thanks very much.
The two of you could eat for bloody England.
Dad!
Stop fiddling with yourself!
I'm not fiddling with myself! I paid a quid for these underpants.
I've got 50p-worth worth stuck up my arse!
Mam, tell him. She's right, if you're not picking your arse, you're picking your teeth.
I'll pick what I like in my own house! When she gets her own house,
she can pick what she likes - her nose, her arse, her teeth.
Just treat yourself! Oh, I'm ashamed of this family, I am really!
Sometimes that happens with underpants, you might even
know it happens with knickers,
but it certainly happens, but you wouldn't normally say it, would you?
It's the little one-liners,
the nose picking, arse scratching...
the whole thing is just so embarrassing,
you're just like, "Oh, God."
Absolutely vulgar. Sometimes too much!
You kind of go, "Oh my God!"
People are still shouting to this day, and it's years old,
"Have you still got them undies, Jim?"
Stuff like that. It just struck a chord, didn't it? It struck a chord, and that's great.
Despite turning laziness into an art form, Jim does occasionally get off his arse and go for a walk.
All the way to the kitchen.
One of my favourite moments definitely is the scene with Jim
and Antony washing-up in the kitchen.
That scene in the kitchen is a tremendous piece
of writing and acting.
Dad...what was Granddad like?
Who, your mam's dad? Aye.
He was hard of hearing, the lucky little bleeder.
What did he do?
He was the finest freehand tool grinder I've ever seen in my life.
What's a freehand tool grinder?
Never you mind, you don't have them in McDonald's, so you'll be all right when you start work.
Here you are, look. You forgot the roasting pan.
Leave that, you'd better leave that until your mother's got a chance to do it.
No man attempts to clean the roasting dish, it's just impossible.
That's the way men and women are.
It's authentic, it's funny and it tells us something truthful about the way we are.
All right, Jim, Ant?
Hello, son. I've been sent in here.
She's trying that wedding dress on, won't let me look at it.
You can look at the bill if you want to.
I'm rough today, me.
My guts are well off. I had a bad pint last night.
I bet you washed it down with a few more though, didn't you?
How do you know if it's a bad pint?
Because you can shit through the eye of a needle.
Where did you go? Pear Tree.
Bloody hell, you don't want to drink in there.
I know that now, don't I? Bloody hell, he doesn't clean his pumps, him.
No, actually the lager is all right.
How would you know, soft lad?
Dad, I'm 15!
Hey, listen, if I ever catch you in the Feathers, I'll clip you round the bloody ear, all right?
You do not shit on your own doorstep.
I nearly did last night.
Couldn't get the key in quick enough.
That's a good line, that's a good line.
That's one of those where I bet Craig...
Sometimes you've got a line coming up where you're going, "Oh yes, I'm looking forward to this one!"
Craig was rubbing his hands with glee for that one.
A bad pint is the least of Dave's problems.
Especially when his old flame, the infamous Beverly Macca, is about.
If you think I'm marrying you now, you pig, I'm not!
Look, look! Well,
a load of lads fancy me, right, and I never bother with them.
Well, bother with them, if you want to!
I don't want to!
Every time we see Beverley Macca it's the same.
You love flirting with her.
I saw your face and you love it.
You get that thing in a small town, there's some woman who's always
a siren, she's always danger,
always the one everyone went out with when they were at school and she still burns bright.
I think that's what I like most about Beverley Macca, she lives
in every town in the United Kingdom.
I'm not even talking about this crap.
Yeah, well...
I could wear a dead, dead tight top and a really, really short mini skirt, but I don't,
because I've got more respect for myself.
But you don't, you don't respect me.
You don't give me any respect.
Oh, Dave, what have you done now?
I've done nowt! She's not crying for nothing, is she?
He was flirting with Beverley Macca.
Was I hell! I'm a DJ, right?
She was asking me for a record.
Yeah, "All right, darlin',"
he kept saying to her. Why? Why did you have to kiss her when she left?
She came over to me.
She's like Denise's nemesis, but it's great.
Denise then has a mirror to hold up,
so she can gauge herself by Beverley
and be one step above her, sort of morally and everything else.
Every time I come out of the toilet, right, she was round him
like flies round shit.
And you're the shit!
She's not even the fly, because she's too fat to be the fly, and she's the shit.
That's what they are, the two shovels of shit.
And that's it.
You don't have to bring shit into it, love. Here.
I love Denise's fury over nothing at all,
and she's so self-absorbed, so that you can see her just getting drawn further and further into this anger
and even she doesn't quite know what it's really about any more.
It's fantastically true, I think.
In the first of their top 10 favourite moments,
Craig and Caroline take us back to the year 2000.
It's Christmas Day, and the Royles are about to receive some very well-to-do visitors.
Hiya.
ALL: Hiya!
This is my mum, Valerie.
Mum, this is Mr and Mrs Royle, Jim and Barbara.
Hello, Valerie. Hello, Jim. Hello, Valerie. Hello, Barbara.
This is my dad, Roger. Hello, Roger. Hello, Jim. Hello, Roger.
Hello, Barbara. This is Denise and David.
Hello, Valerie.
Hello, Denise. Hello, Roger.
Hello, Denise. Hello, Valerie.
Hello, David. Hello, Roger.
Hello, David. And that's Nana over there.
Hello, Valerie. Hello, Nana.
Hello, Roger. Hello, Nana.
And this is Darren. Hello, Valerie.
Hello, Darren. Hello, Roger. Hello, Darren.
It's great because, you know, it kind of...
heightens what the Royle Family are like when a different family come in.
And it's just so awkward.
You can see how excited we all are to be meeting these new people, and they're a step above.
Is it real leather, Valerie? Yes.
Well, come on then, come and sit down. Come on, everybody.
Jim, put some music on. Jim.
Jim. Jim!
All right, Barb. Bloody hell.
Can I sit next to Valerie, Barbara?
Yes, do you want to sit there, Valerie?
You sit there then, Mam.
Denise, will you help me with that?
There you go, Jim. Lovely, a bottle of Moet.
There you go, Dave.
Hide that till the bugger's gone.
Do you want a drink, Rog? Might as well.
I have a friend called Valerie.
Oh, have you? Sadly she's been sectioned.
Your Roger's a big fat lad, isn't he?
I love when they're sat down and Caroline and Sue are trying a coat on in the background.
Trying on Valerie's coat.
But I just love Nana in that episode.
You know, those people, she was fascinated.
"Can I sit next to Valerie?" She looks at her like that.
She's that age, where old people of that age...where they just think,
"Oh, sod the social skills, I'm having a look at her boobs!"
She sits next to her and just stares. It's the way they were all staring at them.
They're lovely, Valerie.
Jim, don't Valerie's implants look lovely?
They're great them, Valerie.
Lovely, them, Valerie.
Dave? Mmm?
Aren't they lovely?
Yeah, they're smashing, them...
two, Valerie.
I remember we had to say
how big is her bust, you know, because we couldn't
remember how big it had been in what we had seen her in. Luckily, when she came, they were a fine pair.
Weren't they? I volunteered to actually go and...
Measure up! It was rejected! But she was really good,
because we said, you know, we're going to be
be talking about them in the programme, is that OK? And she was fine, wasn't she? Mmm!
Valerie, I wanted to have a breast reduction but Dave wouldn't let me.
Well, he works long hours, Denise.
Be fair. Yeah.
It's just a nice little family moment, the Christmas moment.
That why that's in.
'Still to come...'
I'm a bag of nerves now.
It was very hard to keep a straight face.
In fact, that whole episode,
it was really, really hard to keep a straight face.
Hey, Ant, do that muscleman thing!
Oh, not again.
Come on now, we've all had a go.
'Welcome to this Royle Family exclusive.
'Tonight, the cream of British comedy select the greatest moments from this exceptional sitcom,
and its stars and writers, Craig and Caroline, choose their top 10 favourite scenes.
Our next Royle Family portrait is of the Royle wedding, and it's not just the bride who's a bag of nerves.
The main thing you remember
about the wedding is the fact that Jim is running to the lavatory
every couple of minutes.
Barbara, I'm shitting like a newborn baby.
Trust you to get the runs on a day like today!
It's not like that with me. I thought today I'd see some movement, but no.
I tell you what, Barbara, I could take the presents back in my car if you want.
Barbara, what have we got for the trots? We've got nothing.
Thanks, Cheryl love, I'll give you some money towards my fare.
I remember being in a bridesmaid's dress
and thinking, "I look quite good in this," thinking,
"I'm kind of carrying this off."
I think that's when Cheryl was a bit thinner.
I'll tell you what, Barbara, I'm thinking
of asking Dave to run me home to get my comfortable shoes after the church do, ready for the night do.
Nana, Dave can't run you home!
Oh, he will, he's very fond of me, is David.
Dave is the bloody groom, he's not nipping no-one nowhere, no bloody how!
Nana, you'll have to get someone else to run you home.
No, I don't like to ask anybody else.
Oh, but you don't mind asking the groom! Mam, will you tell her?
Mam, you'll have to get a taxi!
I can't do that, my shoes are upstairs. It'll cost me a fortune.
I love Nana wanting Dave to run her home.
She just sort of doesn't quite get it.
I love the fact that, at no point is she portrayed as being
senile or anything like that, she's just a bit off the beat.
Just slightly missed what's going on.
Liz Smith does that so brilliantly.
Go and see if the bloody chemist is open, will you, son?
There's no time. The taxi will be here in a minute.
There's no time. There's no time to watch the bloody telly so get it off!
Jim, why don't you just stop off at the chemist on the way to the church?
We're not stopping off at a bloody chemist!
With me sat in the back in my bride's dress like a knobhead.
Oh, I'm a bag of nerves now. I'll show you nerves on the back of the khazi, if you want!
Oh, right, Antony, over the road, ask Lorraine if she's got 'owt.
Go on! Come on, shift yourself!
There's no doubt he loves his daughter,
wants to be there and wants to be proud about walking down the aisle,
but can't mention he might be having to dash off somewhere to see to his bodily functions!
The newlyweds returned for a second series in 1999.
Unfortunately for Dave, Denise is no Delia when it comes to cooking his tea.
Have you had your teas? BOTH: Yeah.
What did you have?
Dairylea on toast.
Bloody hell, I bet you were looking forward to that all day, Dave.
Wooh! Working hard, waiting to get home to that little delicacy.
Shut it, Dad.
Bloody hell, girl, Dairylea on toast? Come on, now!
Delia Smith has got nothing to worry about, has she?
I made it myself!
Go away!
It's great to see that the standards of cooking, with all of the influence
they get from cookery shows, has got no better than Dairylea on toast.
Can I make you a nice bacon butty, Dave?
Ooh, yes, please, Barbara, that would be lovely.
Go and put some bacon on for us, will you, Antony?
You make a right show of me, Dave. You said that was enough for you.
It's only a bit of bacon.
Oh aye, a bit of my bloody bacon.
My mother was always wanting to feed whoever goes round.
"Can I make you a sandwich, get you this, that...a biscuit?"
Not happy unless they're feeding you, and that's Barbara.
She wants to feed and has to know if they've eaten and what they've eaten.
She's fascinated by it all.
Antony, put some under for me, an' all!
Dad! What?
Your flyhole's all undone!
The cage might be open but the beast is asleep.
Beast, my arse.
One-nil!
Yeah, for the first time, and probably the only time, she gets one up on him.
Barb may have got one up on Jim, but she's about to get the shock of her life from Denise.
Here you are, love. No thanks.
What's up with you? Nothing.
Have you given up?
Yeah.
You've always loved smoking.
Yeah, well, me and Dave have got something to tell you.
You said you weren't going to say 'owt.
Yeah, I know, well I am now. You said it was a big secret.
Yeah, but that was this morning.
That's the moment when a woman wants to say things in her timetable, and she does.
Whatever she's said to her husband, she wants to proudly tell her mum and dad.
Mam, Dad...
we're pregnant.
Bloody hell!
Put it there, David. Well done. Thanks.
Well done, lad. Come here, give your dad a hug!
Well done.
I like the way that they used smoking as the way into this vital bit
of information, because smoking is kind of an additional character in the Royle Family.
The cigarettes are as much a part of that show as any of those individual characters.
There's constantly the rattle of the box and the thing being lit,
so the fact that Denise doesn't want a cigarette is hugely significant.
When did you find out?
My period was late, right, then I was really sick.
I thought, "Oh you know, it's just a hangover" because the night before we had that lock-in at the Feathers.
Then the next day I was really sick again, so I went down Boots and got a pregnancy kit. 10 quid, they are!
Ooh! Anyway, a line came up in the square window.
Oh, Denise, the square window! Yeah.
What was very funny about that whole scene is the way that
mothers want to sort of, they want to savour every moment of the news.
Their daughter is pregnant, that's a very big moment.
They want to ooh-and-aah, they're going to ooh-and-aah when the baby arrives,
but someone just saying "I'm pregnant", what are you meant to ooh-and-aah over?
So of course she oohs-and-aahs over the little square that shows
on the test that she's pregnant. That's beautifully done.
So I was shouting for Dave at the top of the stairs but he was watching something on telly.
What were you watching, Dave?
Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
And then he came up and I'm like, "Hey, Daddy, Daddy, guess what?"
Like that to him, didn't I, Dave?
And did he know what you meant?
No. No, no.
But then I said, you know "Dave, I'm pregnant." Like that, and then the penny dropped, didn't it?
Yeah, straight away, yeah.
You've got it all there, the smoking, the new generation,
the old generation and an obsession with television.
all in a compact scene that should be
one of the most joyous things about a new being coming into the world.
Now for another exclusive moment chosen by Craig and Caroline.
Antony has brought round his new girlfriend to meet the family,
a testing situation for any teenage boy.
Happy birthday. This is Emma.
Hiya! Pleased to meet you, Emma.
We've heard a lot about you.
You don't know who everybody is, do you?
That's Denise, she's Antony's sister. Hiya.
Hiya. This is David, Antony's sister's husband.
Y'all right? Bloody hell, Barbara. It's not This Is Your Life! Oh, shut up, Jim.
That's Jim, Antony's father.
Hello, Mr Royle.
You know Darren, don't you? Yeah. This is Nana. Hello, love. Hello.
And there's Twiggy.
Right. Sit yourself down, love.
Thanks. I'll get you a chair.
I'm sure lots of people can remember bringing the girlfriends back, or boyfriends back, for the first time.
How mortifying it is. ..To meet your parents, and what have you.
It must be so intimidating. She comes in and we're all like that, gawping at her.
But you do, don't you? You want to see it, but Caroline gives a fantastic up-and-down look.
It's really nasty, really. It's kind of weighing her up and down.
So awful, really. Imagine being on the receiving end of that look.
I remember my brother bringing his girlfriend, he's older than me,
so I was only young at the time, bringing his girlfriend home, and she worked in a bank...
so that was like, "Oh, wow, she works in the bank," you know.
My mum had to get some blue flush.
If anybody nice came, she'd always get blue flush.
You know for the toilet, you stick it on the side.
My dad would be like, "What the bloody hell are you wasting your money on blue flush for?
"She's not going to think any more of us because the water's bloody blue!"
Can I get you a ham sandwich? No, thank you. I'm a vegetarian.
Ooh!
Can I do you a Dairylea instead?
No, honestly, I'm fine, thank you.
She can have Dairylea, can't she, Denise? Yeah.
What is she? She's a vegetarian, Nana.
Oh! You could have a bit of cheese, though.
Have we got some cheese, Barbara?
Oh, Emma, it's a shame for you.
If she doesn't want anything, she doesn't want any.
Leave the girl alone.
She's all right.
I just love the idea that they all, as soon as she's vegetarian they're
all like this, as if it's something so weird.
Yeah, that's one of the famous Royle Family head turns.
We've had a few of them where we all turn at the same time, but....especially then.
See, vegetarians are more accepted in society now.
But it was all a bit, if someone was a veggie, it was like, "What for?
"Why? But why are you?"
That smells like dog muck.
Muck for luck.
Who's stepped that in?
Is it you, Darren? Dunno.
Have a look, someone has walked it in!
Is it on there, Jim? No.
Oh, no. I think it's me.
I'm sorry, Emma. You're all right. Dave! Take it off,
you big clown!
Oh, I'm so sorry, Emma.
I'll leave it on to dry, then it'll be easier to get off.
Mam, will you get his shoe off him?
Muck for luck.
Sorry, Emma.
The dog muck thing really...
That was just... I love the way Dave goes, "Oh, I think it might be me,"
and it's obviously him.
But in the old days, you used to always be standing in dog muck.
But now, since pooper scoopers and fines and things like that...
Don't reminisce about the old days when there was dog dirt!
I won't get on to white dog muck, don't worry, that was a long time ago.
But it was such a frequent occurrence in the old days.
The old "muck for luck".
If the whiff of dog muck wasn't bad enough,
Jim likes to add his very own aroma, especially if Norma is downwind.
The relationship between Nana and Jim I think is really important because
it's a love-hate relationship.
He hates her when she's there, but secretly he loves her.
She's the butt of most of his gags.
TV: Tonight, we find out what's happened to baby Cody,
who we saw last week fighting for his life and a risk of brain damage.
Has the new cap that's been fitted to cool his head helped him to recover?
Also, the latest thing out of Africa - Craig Doyle takes a trip on top of
the rain forest in a mission... PHHRR-RR-RTT!
And Lynsey Fallow goes rock climbing indoors, a rugged way of exercising.
I was trained in farting. I can do it at the drop of a hat and I'm thinking of taking it on the stage.
I'm thinking of going round and making an ensemble of it.
There was none of that obviously,
but the sound effects worked overtime.
It's a right Royle knees-up in our next portrait.
Antony is celebrating his 18th birthday and Emma's about to meet the saintly neighbours.
One of my favourite bits was when Emma
is introduced to the family and she meets Mary and Joe from next door.
Happy birthday, Antony.
Cheers, Mary. Thanks.
This must be Emma. Hiya.
Oh, so many new names for you.
Just remember, we're Mary and Joseph, like in the Bible.
But we've got Cheryl, not Jesus.
Hiya. It was very hard to keep a straight face.
In fact, that whole episode, it was really, really hard to keep a straight face.
You could have made Mary a bit of an Irish, you know a bit sort of...
But she's not.
She's always smiling, isn't she?
Everything is great and I love that.
Coming up - Craig and Caroline reveal another of their hand-picked moments.
It really reminds me of being at home and my dad just knocking everything that you ever did.
Welcome back to this treasure trove of Royle moments.
You're lovely, Derek.
Tonight, Craig and Caroline are selecting
their top ten favourite ever scenes.
At number eight, they've picked the poignant moment
between blushing bride Denise and her very proud dad.
Here, have a ciggie off your old dad.
Ta.
Hey, what about poor Cheryl,
what does she look like in that bloody frock? JIM LAUGHS
Dad! It'll make you look better in the photographs.
Dad, you know how I never say anything nice to you?
And I'm always going on at you for...picking your nose and farting?
Well, you know, I...
You and me mam, both of you,
more than anything.
(I know.
(To you.) GLASSES CLINK
Right.
(I hope my arse holds up!)
FRONT DOOR CLOSES
Ahh!
That was one of the moments I love
cos you seldom see Jim be so gentle and...loving, really. Mmm.
Really loving in that scene, isn't he?
Yeah, but you were very good there...
No, she was. Thank you, Craig! I know she's...
I wouldn't normally praise her,
but, yeah, two really good performances
and a lovely moving little moment -
them two, the bride's father and the bride.
And the last moments together before the whole thing kind of kicks off.
And where she tries to tell her dad that she loves him,
but doesn't quite say it, you know. Doesn't say the actual words.
And doesn't need to,
but it's just a lovely, tender moment.
And at the end, you know,
when you see her look round and it's kind of... It's touching.
In her mind, she's thinking,
"This'll be the last time,"
and little did she realise we'd be there every night,
so I wasn't really saying goodbye to my home.
Because every night we'd trawl round, won't we? Yeah.
There's never a quiet moment at the Royles'.
And surprisingly, our next portrait comes courtesy of Joe,
their verbally challenged neighbour.
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
# I will take you home again, Kathleen
# Across the ocean wild and wide... #
(Shh, I love this, I love this.)
# ..To where thy heart has ever been
# Since first you were my bonnie bride... #
'One episode I was in the studio and I thought I was on my own and I started to sing'
and then I realised that Caroline was behind me
and she said, "You can sing."
I said, "Yeah, I was a singer to start with."
"Oh."
That was the end of the conversation. Next episode, she says
"You're going to sing I'll Take You Home Again, Kathleen."
So I said, "One chorus, verse?"
"No, no, no. Three choruses and three verses!"
# ..Home again, Kathleen
# To where your heart will feel no pain
# And when the fields are fresh and green... #
'What an amazing idea to have a maudlin guy who says really nothing'
and then sits in a corner
and pours out a heartfelt Irish ballad.
# ..To your home again... #
Ah, lovely...
# ..I know you love me Kathleen, dear
# Your heart is ever fond and true... #
'I remember watching Joe start I'll Take You Home Again, Kathleen'
and it was immediately moving
because I'd not heard singing like that in a long time
and when I was a kid, you know, everybody on our estate, all the old ones, sang like that.
# ..The smiles that once you gave to me
# I scarcely ever see them now... #
'And then I thought, "She's not going to...'
"She's not going to cut this!
"She's going to roll the whole song."
# ..I'll take you to your home again... #
Your dad used to sing this.
'I remember the day after it was broadcast,
'I remember that had had quite an effect across the workplaces'
and the offices.
People were very moved by it and moved enough to talk about it
because I think people wanted to know, why was it so fantastic?
Why was it so sad and so uplifting?
'It was a fabulous, fabulous moment.
'What people don't realise is that I must have sung that song about 15 times,'
you see, because the lighting's not right, the sound's maybe not quite right,
so you do take after take after take.
By the time I'd finished it...
HE COUGHS
..I couldn't talk! HE LAUGHS
# ..You to your home again. #
I can still smell the shit in here.
I still get people saying,
"What was that line you said on The Royle Family, now,
"when Joe's just been singing?" Everyone still remembers it, it's just one of them moments.
Christmas sets the scene for our next classic moment
as Antony describes a rather different order of events at Emma's house,
much to the amusement of Jim.
Hey, Antony,
what time are you going to Emma's?
Well, her mam said 5.00 for 5.30,
so I think that means about quarter past.
Mmm!
Oh, Antony, isn't it funny, you having to have two Christmas dinners?
Yeah, it's all right, really.
Well, they're all vegetarians so they're having a nut roast.
'There were certain bits'
that I had to Manc up and one of them that always sticks out on me,
I'd go, "God, I really Manc'ed that up,"
was the "Yeah, we're having a nut roast." HE LAUGHS
They're all vegetarians so they're having a nut roast.
It's like, why have I done a Liam Gallagher impression?
The tight gets! All that bloody money and they won't fork out for a bit of turkey?!
I can't believe they're having their Christmas dinner at night.
It'll lay heavy on them, won't it?
Yeah.
Will you be staying late, Antony? Yeah.
But after they've had their dinner, they always play charades, you know,
and parlour games and that.
THEY ALL LAUGH
JIM: Parlour games?!
Is their telly broke?
I love the assumption on Denise's part that the only
possible reason you could have for playing games on Christmas Day
is that your telly's broken down.
She can't fathom any other reason for doing it.
THEY CONTINUE TO LAUGH
Parlour games, my arse!
I was pleased with that, it was a nice bit to get right.
It's nice when you think, "I got that bit right."
And then they all just burst out laughing.
By 2000, The Royle Family was in its third series,
and nine million tuned in to see if
Denise had changed from a lazy arse to young mum of the year.
How's the sleeping going, Denise?
Well, I slept all through last night.
No! I mean Baby David.
Oh, dunno.
Denise, I think once she's had Baby David,
is sort of out of sight, out of mind, quite literally.
She never thinks of the baby.
It never dominates in her affections at all, it's still about HER.
That got darker and darker, the longer it went on -
how bad a mother Denise was.
And Caroline just revelled in it, it was so funny.
He woke up twice last night, Barbara.
Oh, did he? Ah, did he?
Twice, yeah.
Dave, for all his ribbing, is still there for the baby,
so you know the baby will be OK.
For their next favourite family portrait,
Craig and Caroline have chosen the moment when dogsbody Antony reveals his musical ambitions.
Dave, how do you go about getting a gig in The Feathers?
Antony, you haven't told them about your new venture.
What is it?
Well, I'm managing a band.
JIM AND DAVE LAUGH LOUDLY
Bloody hell, it's Brian Epstein!
Oh, Antony, oh, blimey. Oh, man!
You're managing a band?! Who's in it?
Well, Darren's on bass.
Ryan's on vocals and Tiggsy's on drums.
Little Tiggsy, on drums?!
Yeah, well, more of a drum machine, but yes.
Oh, I've got to see this.
Can you get as a gig at The Feathers or what?
Well, you're the manager, aren't you?!
Anyway, what do they sound like?
Sort of a cross between Oasis and the Manics.
What sort of stuff do they do?
Well, we do a cover of Wonderwall, and a song Ryan wrote about his son, Access All Areas.
Ryan's never seen his son.
That's what the song's about,
he can't get access.
BARBARA: Ahh.
(Bloody hell.) So what's the name of this band, then?
Oh, yeah. Exit.
JIM LAUGHS
No, right, listen, listen.
Right, it's a marketing thing, yeah?
Right, wherever we play, our name's up in lights.
Hey, Antony, that's really clever.
Exit, my arse!
'This really reminds me of being at home'
and my dad just knocking everything you ever did, you know.
Giving you no confidence. It would be just a great laugh to them.
I mean, it's so horrible to laugh your head off at your son's efforts, isn't it, really? Yeah.
Barbara's the opposite, she's always delighted with anything Antony's done or anything he tells her.
That's genuinely like the way my dad was with us,
he used to teach us everything just by knocking us.
I remember I was at primary school
and got caught smoking, me and my mate Dave
tried smoking, like most kids did
and when my dad found out, his way of dealing with it wasn't having a right go at me, he would just,
whenever we went to relatives or anything and they were smoking, "Why don't you have one of our Craig's?
"Give him one of yours, he's a 40-a-day man, our Craig, aren't you?"
And I was about eight or nine, just experimenting, stupid thing to do, obviously,
but I never smoked again because I just could not go through the pain
of another week of my dad, like, for ever.
"Have one of our Craig's!"
"Have one of our Craig's! Oh, he loves a cig."
Coming up, Norma gets a little hot under the collar.
"Luciana started to feel herself..."
Hey?
"..weakening as she saw the steely determination of his gait."
'Welcome back to this exclusive celebration of The Royle Family.'
Ha, ha, ha!
Writers and stars Craig and Caroline have chosen their top 10 favourite moments,
and their next features Dave, as he gives Mills & Boon the justice it deserves.
"Luciana started to feel herself."
Eh?!
"Weakening...
"as she saw the steely determination of his gait.
"Suddenly, she felt enveloped by his two strong arms.
"Never had she felt so protected.
"Not with Rico, not with Paulo, and certainly not with Demetrius."
Oh, no, not with him, no.
"She felt his warm breath on the nape of her neck.
"Every sinew in her body ached with desire for this gifted neurosurgeon.
"She wondered how such strong hands could perform such delicate operations.
" 'I want you, Luciana', he whispered.
" 'I've wanted you since the moment I clasped my eyes on you,
" 'dancing alone in the fountain.'
"His lips sought to quench the thirst of her rising passion.
"She knew that this was the moment.
" 'Not here, Luciana, my angel', he whispered, 'Let's wait until Marrakech.' "
What the bloody hell is that doctor playing at?
I've got a little stiffy here and he wants to wait till Marrakech?!
Davy, Davy.
What is a little stiffy?
That was one of my favourite bits.
I think the reason that we put that in is because
I guess that was the most fun we ever had writing, really, wasn't it?
Yeah. Honest to God, we wrote it one afternoon,
and sometimes you write things and you think it's funny,
and the next day you come in and read them back and they're not funny.
That made us laugh even more. Just the story.
It was the story that tickled us. Typical Mills & Boon.
Yeah. All that kind of... Trash.
You know, "She wondered how such big hands could perform such delicate operations."
I mean, who would put that in a book?
Nana is brilliant in that because it's all, "Hmm?", you know.
She just plays... Even sucking her sweets...
She's sucking her sweets, she's basically listening to a story being read,
and she just steals the whole thing away. She's just sublime.
'And from the sublime to the ridiculous,
'as Antony gets promoted from dogsbody to fulltime babysitter.'
Have him while I take your dad's brew up. Oh, Mum... There you are. Ooh!
DOORBELL RINGS
Antony, get that, will you?
Watch his floppy head!
'Antony does have a lot of patience, except I just don't know if that's through choice, really.'
I think he's sort of just resigned to it at this point. It's just easier.
DOORBELL RINGS All right!
Hiya. Hi. Hey, who said you could hold baby David?
Dave? Get baby David off him.
'I'm pretty good with babies because my little brother
'was ten years younger than me. The person who was least worried on set'
was the baby's mum because she'd seen me hold him
and was sort of, "Oh, you know what you're doing,"
and everybody else is like...
What you don't see is, I'm there holding the cornflakes and trying to balance him,
and I've got every crew member like that ready to just sort of...dive in and catch the little thing.
Aw! Who'd like a bacon buttie?
BOTH: Oh, yeah, please!
Antony, go and put some bacon under, love.
'He's the total slave!'
We only had him to do things for us.
"Let's have another child, and he can do everything."
'While the family keep Antony busy, Jim and his best mate, Twiggy,
'are wondering if they should get down to some hard graft and decorate the dining room.'
'The scene where they're supposed to be'
stripping the wallpaper is just a beautifully written scene.
Could Dave not have given you a hand with this, Jim?
No, he's under Denise's bloody thumb, isn't he, the lanky streak of piss!
Have you seen him carrying the baby around all the bloody time?
I never, ever picked my kids up. Unless they fell over!
THEY LAUGH Me neither.
No, he's a bloody old woman with that baby.
Twice last week, he had the emergency doctor out to Baby David.
Ooh, Denise was bloody fuming. He woke her up both times, didn't he?
No, he's completely under her bloody thumb, lad.
Always has been, Jim.
She says, "Shit," he jumps on the shovel. Yeah.
Not even any fun going for a pint with the bugger now, is it?
After three pints, he's got the bloody photograph of the nipper out and he's crying his bloody eyes out!
Oh, and that bloody farmyard he's making for Baby David, ooh, it's doing my 'ead in!
I'm sick of that farmyard, too, Jim.
No, he's bloody terrified!
He's always looking at his watch, he's always on edge!
He's under the bloody thumb all right, he's not a bloody man.
FRONT DOOR OPENS Quick!
Hiya. Oh, I tell you what, this is hard work this, Barb.
Yeah. Hey, you all right, Twiggy?
All right, Barb?
I love the fact that they were sat slagging Dave off,
saying he's really under the thumb, then I come in and they both run.
I don't think Jim's under the thumb, but I think Jim is a bit of, er...
He's very sort of coy and, um,
he's probably made a promise to Barbara that he'll have that wallpaper stripped.
Come what may, he'll have that done.
And so, when he hears the doorbell going, and he jumps up and he does it...
But he never, ever finishes it, so he gets away with it.
Barbara would like the decorating done for the Christening.
I mean, she really would.
But Jim doesn't see it as a priority.
And, in a way, Barbara...
Well, all right, it's a shame, but we'll cope with it.
But really, she'd like it done nicely and she, you know...
But she is married to Jim and she does love him.
'Craig and Caroline have been selecting their all-time favourite moments.
'And their next features frumpy neighbour Cheryl who's on a mission to meet Mr Right.'
BARBARA: 'Sit down, you're amongst friends.'
Have you got the Evening News tonight?
Aw, is it in, babes? Yes!
Dad, have you got the Evening News?
Cheryl's ad's in Matchmaker Matchmaker.
What, the lonely hearts? Ha-ha!
Here you are, Cheryl!
ALL: Ooh!
What happened to that bloke you was writing to for ages, Cheryl?
What happened there? Oh, well, I sent him a picture, like he asked, and then I never heard anything.
Ha-ha! BARBARA AND DENISE: Aw!
Well... There wasn't much future in it, really. Wasn't he in for life?
Yeah.
Here it is.
That's it.
Ooh, all right, let's have a look.
What does it say, Barb? Oh, hang on, hang on.
"Charismatic thirties female..." No, read Cheryl's out(!) Ha-ha!
"Bubbly, cuddly, likes going out for meals or staying in for meals.
"Both vegetarian and meat eaters considered." Ooh, good thinking, babes.
"Looking for friendship/love with male aged any.
"Able-bodied or otherwise.
"Skin colour not essential.
"No height restrictions."
Bloody hell, you're not a roller-coaster, are you, Cheryl?
"Own vehicle not necessary as father will pick up and drop-off."
Oh, you know what the problem is here, don't you?
You're playing too bloody hard to get, girl.
THEY LAUGH
Aw, it's just the description, God love her!
I mean, it includes everyone.
DHSS considered. Yeah.
No height restrictions. Skin colour not essential.
It doesn't even make sense!
Skin colour not essential!
Vegetarian or meat-eaters.
Just anyone. Just anyone, really. Anyone at all.
That's another one of them times where we've really laughed writing it... Yeah.
..when we were doing it, so...
And Jessica's just incredible in that. If you watch her when they're reading it out...
She is mouthing it, she's so proud.
She's really proud of it and into it, but she keeps it all in and so underplays it and just, you know...
Again, you know, she's doing next to nothing, but it's saying so much.
Yeah. And it's just so wonderfully played by her. She's just brilliant.
I hope she does find love.
Hmm.
It's not real!
I know!
The lonely hearts ad was just one in a long line of attempts
'Cheryl has tried in her quest to find true love.
WOMEN LAUGH
Ooh, Cheryl!
Congratulations!
Aw, Cheryl, I'm dead, dead, dead pleased for you.
Thanks, everybody. What's all this about?
Oh, well, Cheryl went to see a clairvoyant yesterday
and she said she'd find true love in two days, two weeks, two months or two years!
Who told you this, Cheryl?
Um, Gemini Astrid up the precinct.
Gemini Astrid? Yeah.
For three quid? Yeah.
She talks complete bollocks, she does, love.
Take no notice.
BARBARA: Aw, Cheryl.
You found love and now you've lost it.
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Yeah.
Cheryl...
Do you want a sausage roll? Yeah, I will. Thanks, Barbara.
And there's this long moment of...
Nobody says anything or does everything.
They all kept looking at her.
Like a whole, "Aw, you found love and now you have lost it again."
Totally stupid!
But we all felt so sorry.
She looks...desolate.
Nobody's ever recognised me in Michelle. Nobody.
'I have to tell them, and I do tell them,
'because I'm so proud of being in it,'
even though it was blooming years ago. I always tell them,
and they go, "Oh? "Oh, her?!" you know!
'Next, have those hankies ready for a classic Royle tear-jerker.'
I'm going to be a granddad!
Welcome back to this Gold exclusive, where we're unveiling those
special moments that made the Royle Family such an iconic sitcom.
# Here we go Here we go... #
Ah-ha-ha! Weee!
Ready for the next Family Portrait?
BOTH: Yeah.
Aw, it's Baby David.
(He loves this song.)
# Doo, doo, doo, doo
# Doo do-do-do-do doo doo
# Doo, doo, doo, doo do-do-do-do-doo
# Do doo, do do, do do do do... #
See, you are a good mother.
# Doo, doo, doo, doo... #
# Do-do-do-do... #
They're doing that to the baby over the crib and it's just the cutest,
funniest moment for me.
# Doo, doo, doo, doo Do do, do do do do
# Doo, doo, doo, doo Do do, do do do do... #
The Royle family live in modern times and Radiohead is a perfect
lullaby for modern babies.
As Dave enjoys fatherhood, two other dads are squaring up.
It's Jim versus Roger Kavanagh, the working-class lad done good.
My mum and dad, they were very sweet but I don't think they meant to come
across rude, but because they'd come into money, they said things
that really wound up Jim and Barbara.
Every dig he could get at Jim, he was having a go, you know?
You know, "I'll invite you on the yacht and we'll go for a spin
"and we'll do this." It was money, money, money.
You ever been on a cruise, Jim?
Oh, no, no, no.
We're going on a cruise this year. Bloody heck.
Takes in all the Med, then we come back and jump on the Orient Express.
You ever been on the Orient Express, Jim? No.
There's a lot of murders on the Orient Express.
You want to watch it on that.
In't that right, Barbara? What?
There's always murders on the Orient Express.
You ever dabble on the stock market, Jim? No.
What a very easy way to make a lot of money.
Do you know, once I made more in a day than I made in a year?
It was quite nerve-racking to go in. As I say, it was quite established.
And all good actors, every one of them, you know?
So to go in, you think, you know, you can only let the side down here.
Hey, I'll tell you what, Jim - Valerie, you can organise this.
We'll get them all down on the boat. It's a 42-footer, you know.
Has it got a toilet?
It's got two.
DAVE WHISTLES
And that's great, that, Rog, because my hovercraft's still being repaired.
Hey, I'm only from a place like this. I'm a self-made man.
Valerie, wasn't my mam's place as bad as this?
I mean, I didn't have a pot to piss in, me.
And look at me now.
'You feel so hurt on the Royle family's behalf.'
I did, anyway, I really felt like I wanted to go and slosh him.
How dare he say that? Because their place is great, actually, it's really nice.
It's warm and it's cosy and it's friendly. How dare he say that?
No gloating, horrible...
sort of wannabe aspirational nouveau riche person
is ever going to really be a nicer person than the Royles.
Writers and stars Craig and Caroline have picked their favourite scenes and their next is from series two,
where the Royles are surprised by an early Christmas delivery.
Denise, it's your dad, love. Come in, Dad. Come in.
It's not too messy, is it? No, come in.
(You're all right.)
What's the matter?
I don't know.
I can't even remember what I'm supposed to be doing...
My baby book says I'm supposed to be doing my breathing
and I can't even remember how to breathe.
Come on, you'll be all right. Here you are...
Let's play your little tape, eh?
CALMING MUSIC PLAYS
"PIE JESU" PLAYS
Denise?
Yeah?
Are you definitely sure it wasn't just a great big piss, love?
No, I know it wasn't.
And I don't know what I'm going to do. And Dave's going to miss it.
And he's supposed to be helping me with me breathing and he's supposed to be counting and things.
He was supposed to be counting them things I'm having.
Dad, I'm so scared. I don't even
think I want the baby any more.
And I don't think Dave wants it either.
He didn't even want to feel it kicking before.
And I bet you he'll leave it all to me.
And I don't even know anything about babies. You'll be all right.
There's nothing to it.
What if the baby doesn't like me?
What if I don't like the baby?
Of course you'll like it, you'll love it.
I remember the first time your mum...
When your mum put you in my arms and I looked at you.
Oh, God, you were beautiful and I knew, I knew then I'd do anything for you,
anything for you. And our Antony.
But what if I'm not a good mum like me mam?
You'll be a wonderful mother.
Dad...
If Dave doesn't come back, will you come with me to the hospital?
Of course I will.
I'll be right there.
Outside.
But your mum'll be inside with you.
You promise you will, Dad?
You will stay with me?
Of course I'll stay with you.
I'll always be there for you.
Always.
Hey, Denise...
I'm going to be a granddad.
I love seeing that side of Ricky cos, you know, he's so not like that
in the rest of it. It's lovely
to give him the depth of having that about him, being a father.
I just remember thinking, cos they had so much to get through all in one shot,
I was just thinking, "Please, let them remember the words,"
because in all that emotion as well, you still have to remember
exactly what to say, the right poignant little lines and stuff, so, you know,
and when they do it, it's real elation, you know?
I'd gone mad on that Pie Jesu, hadn't I?
I thought, "I've got to get it in," and you were going "We can't get it in cos it'll just look false,"
cos we never use... So that's why we had to engineer that...
Ended up being the tape, bringing the tape up.
Big, clunky way of doing it!
I know! Aye up, what's he...?
Like the first thing you'd think -
"My daughter's giving birth, she's gone into labour.
"Oh, where's that cassette recorder?"
We might have been tugging the heartstrings a bit.
A violinist in the bath...
A plumber just happened to have a violin.
She'd have bloody got music in whatever, wouldn't you?
In 2006, more than eight million viewers tuned in for a Royle Family special.
The Queen of Sheba.
The special, the Queen of Sheba, was,
I think, one of my favourite pieces of television.
They have...occasionally, these set pieces which are designed to make you fall about with laughter.
All push together! Together!
It's no good pushing, there's a bloody big gap there.
Look at that!
There's a big gap in the expansion, you silly bugger!
The shot of Nana with the big Joker face, looking at their bottoms poking up, laminating the floor.
I mean, it's a real...
It's a work of art.
Looking through an eyeglass with her eye magnified like that is
right up Liz's street.
I bet she adored doing that.
They probably couldn't get it off her afterwards.
MUSIC: "I Wanna Be Like You" from The Jungle Book
The dancing just comes out of nowhere and we just sort of get up and sort of adlib it and do it.
And it worked and it was a laugh.
We knew how the scene had to go, we knew that we had to gradually
disappear out the door, and yeah, we really just did it as it came to us.
And when I put the banana skin on his head, that wasn't script, that was just something I thought...
And you don't know why you do it at the time, and whether it works or not, you don't know.
But you do it cos you don't want it to be, you don't want it to be stale.
When you do each take, you want it to be fresh and to think of something new.
But you know, for me, what make me laugh, you know Craig who plays Dave, like,
he's got no rhythm at all in him.
He's got no rhythm at all in him.
There is something Baloo-ish about Jim Royle, and being the Papa Bear.
It's slapstick, and it's joyous. It's a real celebration.
And every bit as believable as anything else they put in the show.
Still to come, we finally meet Dave's dad, David Senior.
Oh, this is marvellous, Barbara.
Just kind of epitomises everything that the Royle Family's about, all in one scene.
Welcome to this all Gold exclusive.
We're flicking through the Royle Family album, cherry-picking choice moments,
while the multi-award-winning writers select their top 10 favourite scenes.
MUSIC: Mambo No. 5 by Lou Bega
# One, two, three, four, five
# Everybody in the car so come on let's ride
# To the liquor store around the corner
# The boys say they want some gin and juice but I really don't wanna
# Beer buzz like I had last week
# I must stay deep cos talk is cheap
# I like Angela, Pamela, Sandra and Rita
# And as I continue, you know they're getting sweeter
# So what can I do?
# I really thank you, my Lord
# To me flirting is just like a sport
# Anything fly, it's all good, let me dump it
# Please send in the trumpet
# A little bit of Monica in my life
# A little bit of Erica by my side
# A little bit of Rita's all I need
# A little bit of Tina's what I see
# A little bit of Sandra in the sun
# A little bit of Mary all night long
# A little bit of Jessica here I am
# A little bit of you makes me your man
# Mambo number five
# Jump up and down and move it all around
# Shake your head to the sound Put your hands on the ground
# Take one step left and one step right
# One to the front and one to the side
# Clap your hands once and clap your hands twice
# And if it look like this then you're doing it right
# A little bit of Monica in my life
# A little bit of Erica by my side
# A little bit of Rita's all I need
# A little bit of Tina's what I see
# A little bit of Sandra in the sun
# A little bit of Mary all night long
# A little bit of Jessica, here I am
# A little bit of you makes me your man
# Trumpet!
# The trumpet
# Mambo number five! #
Mambo number five!
RADIO: Hello, it's been Jeff on the best music mix...
THEY LAUGH AND GASP FOR AIR
I tell you what, he's got it sussed with all the women, hasn't he, our Mambo? Too right, you.
I always like to put a bit of a song in.
Well, Benny Hill kind of did one like that
and then Morecambe and Wise did something like it and then...
No, theirs was all choreographed, with the toast coming up.
Yeah, but it has an essence of that same kind of arsing around to a tune.
Arsing around... No, it's completely different.
OK, it's completely different.
It's nothing like the Morecambe and Wise thing.
No, it isn't, cos that was choreographed for every moment,
wasn't it? That's what was funny about it.
It was so clever that... I just said there was a touch of it. I didn't say it was exactly it. OK.
In our next portrait, inspired by a true domestic goddess,
Denise has offered to cook the Royles their Christmas dinner.
Denise's ability to cook had always been an issue across the series
so it only, sort of, seemed right
that we should be given a big set piece for her, a big meal.
BARBARA: Oh, Denise. Yeah?
What we having for starters tomorrow? Well...
I'm thinking of Cup-a-Soups.
Cup-a-Soups?
Yeah, but with a twist. Oh, what's the twist?
It's going to be in a bowl, not a cup.
Oh, how lovely.
Bet you Nigella's quaking in her bloody boots there.
It was my idea, Barbara. Was it, Dave?
Dave! It was our idea, a joint decision made jointly.
We made a joint decision jointly, Barbara, yeah.
Barbara really revels in her pride of Denise, you know?
But to be proud of a child
that is giving her Christmas dinner guests Cup-a-Soup... I mean!
So what have you jointly decided we're having after Cup-a-Soup?
Well, I'm going to get some Mary Piper potatoes
and then I'm going to roast them and then baste them with a knob of Stork.
Oh, how lovely.
And then I'm doing carrot crush. Oh!
The carrots are from my dad's allotment. Are they, Dave? Mm. Yeah.
What's that like, carrot crush?
Well, it's Dave's dad's carrots off Dave's dad's allotment
and I'm going to boil 'em up, then I'm going to crush 'em and then put on a knob of Stork.
Oh, how lovely.
Knob of Stork, yes.
It's something that Marco Pierre White and the rest of the chefs have probably missed out on.
What we having for pudding, Denise?
Well, I'm just going to go down the traditional Christmas route.
Oh, Walls Vienetta! Yeah.
But with a twist. What's the twist?
I haven't really thought up that twist yet. Oh. Yeah.
You're dying to know what the twist is for dessert but she hasn't quite
thought that one up yet, but you can't rush into these things.
She's had a year to prepare for it.
Are you looking forward to Christmas, Dave?
Yeah. I just want peas.
Oh, we all want peace at Christmas, Dave.
No, peas. I don't fancy that carrot crush.
But there's little chance of peas or peace in our next moment
as we meet the irrepressible David Senior and his lovely wife Jocelyn.
Well, the sofa was, I thought, a wonderful set piece
of everybody delighting. You know,
they're very childlike, delighting in the sofa that moved up and down.
One, two, three...
ALL: Wooooh!
'The hysterics were absolutely real'
because, I don't know if you've ever done it, it was leather
which made you slide as well.
Like that.
Ha, I can't get back...yes, I have.
There are bits in it where you see me clapping my hands with glee
and I think that's Helen more than Jocelyn because I just loved it. I got so excited doing it.
Oh, isn't it a magical time, Christmas?
Do you want to recline, David Senior?
Oh, no, I'm all right, Barbera. I'm enjoying watching you recline. Aw.
That was a wonderful plus
when we had Tom Courtenay come into the show cos he was fabulous.
He was a little bit out of his comfort zone,
but as the week went on, you know, he kept saying,
"Do you think it's all right if I do it like this?"
He kept asking our advice.
But he settled in and he loved it, really enjoyed it. I could tell that.
Go on, have a recline. Go on!
Oh, well, if you insist.
On you get. Give us your drink.
Ready?
Steady?
Recline! Woooo!
HE LAUGHS
Oh, this is marvellous, Barbera.
Come on, Jimbo, don't you want a go?
No, I don't want to.
Don't decline a recline.
'At the time, I'd slipped a disc and it was just a nightmare.'
And, of course, you have to do it over and over again
so no, it was not funny.
We had to go like this.
The louder you scream, the faster we go!
I became, as did my two boys,
obsessed with reclining chairs after that show.
We went to DFS in the New-Year sales
and there was a beautiful red recliner. It wasn't a sofa, but...
You can't take them away the same day with DFS. There was a six-week waiting list or whatever so...
We just enjoyed watching their recliner a few more times.
Unlucky in love, Cheryl has finally bagged a bloke and where's the ideal place to take him on a date?
Next door to the Royles, of course.
PROPERTY PROGRAMME ON TV
How's your diet going, Cheryl?
I've started a new one. What is it, babes?
Mainly fruit and vegetables. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Cheryl.
But I have to have plenty of nuts as well. Ooh. But I forgot to take
my nuts to work yesterday so I just had a Topic.
Ooh, that's very clever, Cheryl. There's plenty of nuts in them. Yeah.
And two Snickers. Oh.
Do you like Snickers, Derek?
I don't mind.
Oh, aren't they well suited, Denise?
Yeah!
I'm sorry you couldn't meet Denise's dad, Derek.
He won't come out of the kitchen. He's sulking.
What's it over this time, Mam?
It's OK, she's asleep. Well, teatime, it was.
He went to switch the telly over with the remote control and it wouldn't work.
Turns out your Nana's taken the batteries out to put in that handheld fan of hers.
Oh, poor Nana. I know.
What did he do? Ooh, he hit the roof.
He said he'd like to shove that fan right up your Nana's arse.
Sideways.
'I just love Jessica.'
The looks she does and she catches herself and does a little sultry look.
She's got all loads of make-up on. And she wants him to see her
as this gorgeous sultry thing and she's brought him next door for a date.
Dave, babes? Mm? Everyone fancies a brew.
All right, Jim?
What you doing in here?
Haven't you bloody heard?
No, what? The Queen of bloody Sheba in there has only stolen
the batteries out of me bloody remote control. What for?
To fan her bloody self, that's what for. So I had to sit for an hour
and watch Location, Location, Lo-bloody-cation.
Why don't you just turn it over at the telly?
Because that's what she wants! Can't you see that? Me up and down like a blue-arsed fly.
She's the puppet master pulling the strings up and down, up and down.
She's got Barbara wiping her arse and plucking her bloody chin every half an hour
and everyone else has to empty her bag because she's too lazy to go for a bloody piss!
Do you know what the crafty old cow's done, the wicked old witch?
She stole the bloody batteries out of my bloody remote.
It really made me laugh doing that scene because Ricky's got that remote control on his little table there,
and why does he have to bring it into that? He's just so childish in there.
Why does he have to take a remote control in? We know what he's talking about.
It's just childishness. When we write it, we know he's going to be
annoyed but Ricky always puts a final flourish of annoyance in. Yeah.
On the day, when the cameras are going. And he just...
Even though I know to expect it now after so long, it still catches you unaware.
And it just ends up tickling you.
Derek, you haven't met Nana yet, do you want to go over and meet her?
You've only seen her asleep so far, haven't you?
Go on, Derek, babe.
Go on, Derek!
Go on!
Ooh, look! Derek's got a tail! THEY LAUGH
Derek's got a tail on his first date!
Cheryl, take that tail off Derek.
Oh, sorry, Derek babes.
It's one of my... My extensions.
Hey, Derek. Derek, come on, come and meet Nana, come on.
All bow down for the Queen of Sheba!
SLAM!
Sit down, do sit down.
Derek, this is Nana. Nana, this is Derek.
SLOWLY: Hello, Derek.
Hello, Nana.
Ooh, er...
Just a minute.
Ooh, hoo-hoo.
Oo-oooh!
You're lovely, Derek!
THEY LAUGH
Oh, dear me.
Liz is brilliant again in that.
Isn't she just brilliant?
And then when she looks at him with that magnifying glass,
I mean, who would sit there
and be looked at through a magnifying glass
and still feel comfortable?
My granny used to have, you know, one of them.
And it used to really tickle me when she'd look at me with it.
You could just see her big eyes.
But, um...
That was where that came from.
It just had everything... And funny and that.
I mean... We couldn't stop laughing, doing it.
I know only monkeys clap themselves, I mean, we look like...
Yeah, we're patting our... We're not laughing at us though.
Just the fun of it all.
Next, The Royle Family reunite
to reveal their all-time favourite moment.
It still gets me in there now, when I see it.
Welcome back to this exclusive Royle Family feast.
Is that you? Yes, yes!
The most recent portrait in our album comes from the 2009 Christmas special.
A record-breaking 11 million viewers tuned in
to see the Royles go somewhere they had never been before.
Outside.
The Golden Egg Cup, when I watched that this Christmas,
the first half an hour of that I think is possibly
the best half an hour of television I have ever seen.
How many miles is it to Prestatyn now, David?
According to the sat nav, it is 95 kilometres.
I never thought I would see this in my lifetime, a car being driven by a sat nav.
The sat nav's not driving the car, Barb, Dave's driving the bloody car.
Oh. Dave's never drove in kilometres before. Have you, Dave?
No. What is it like, Dave?
Well, to me, it feels like just the same as driving in miles.
Oh. You do it very well, Dave.
Bloody kilometres, it's them bloody Europeans pissing everything about, isn't it?
Bloody kilometres now, everything's that much further away.
No wonder it takes us longer to get anywhere.
I just thought, this is absolutely genius. It's line after line after line which is quality.
SAT NAV: 'After 100 metres, keep right.'
Good company, isn't she? Yeah.
Dave, will you stop flirting with the sat nav lady?
I'm only being polite.
You're not, you're flirting with her.
When I ask you to do something you um and ah about it.
She asks you to do something, you do it straight away!
Don't be daft. Turn her off, Dave. I don't know about turning her off.
I think she's turning him on. Oh, leave him alone.
It's the least he can do after all the help she's given us.
She has got a really sexy voice though, Dave. I'll give you that, son.
Do you know what, she reminds me of someone, you know.
She reminds me of Beverly Macca.
Jim! I bet you wouldn't mind her guiding you in, Dave, eh?
Again!
Dad, will you leave Beverly Macca out of it?
We're on our holidays.
Stirring the shit.
Stirring it all the time.
Now, for the final Royle Family portrait, as chosen by Craig Cash and Caroline Aherne.
And as it's their number one moment, we've reunited the whole family.
Ah, lovely.
Ricky, you've aged terribly. I have.
Do you still do your chickens?
Yeah. That thing with your back.
THEY CHEER
THEY HUM STRIPPING MUSIC
RICKY GUFFAWS
CRAIG: You've not lost it, pal.
Hey-hey-hey!
Oh, dear.
Where's the remote off the telly?
Ah...
'Don't do it so curly this time, Barbara.
Last time it was just like Jeremy Clarkson.
Oh, don't be so rough.
You're just like Sweeney Todd with that comb.
Barbara, did I tell you that my dead friend Elsie's daughter
Marion went out for a meal last Friday with her husband, Lionel?
No. Well, she did.
Marion went out for a meal last Friday with her husband, Lionel.
Oh, did they? Mmm.
What did they have?
They both had a la carte.
'Oh, lovely.'
What is a la carte, Barbara?
'I don't know.'
I wouldn't mind trying a la carte one night. I'm sick of chops.
For her starter, Marion had soup of the day, which was Friday.
And Lionel had smoked salmon, raw, with cheese and chive sauce.
Ooh!
Before the main meal, and after it,
they had ice cream sorbet.
Oh, how lovely.
And then they both had a crepe.
Oh, well, I'm not surprised after all they'd eaten.
Hey, Mam.
Do you remember when you used to do my hair?
Yes, I do. You always used to tie it up with a little red ribbon on top.
Well, that's what my mam used to do to me.
Aw.
Barbara, this nightie feels a bit mucky.
Right, well...
I'll throw it in with the next load.
You can give it me after this.
Can't you do a hand wash with it?
I don't fancy it being in with Jim's Y-fronts. They're so mucky.
Let's hope they were dirty!
Barbara. Yes.
Do you think you could get on with my toenails next?
Yeah.
Barbara. Yes.
Barbara...
Thank you.
Thank you, Barbara.
What for? Everything.
Do you remember last Christmas when all this started? Yes.
Do you remember I got a wishbone?
Yes. Do you want to know what I wished for?
No, don't tell me cos it won't come true.
But it has, Barbara. It has.
'I wished...'
I wished that I would never have to go into a home.
Oh, Mum. I'm not a burden to you, am I, Barbara?
You're never a burden, Mum.
I do love you, Barbara.
SHE SINGS ALONG WITH RADIO: # When I was just a little girl...
# I asked my mother, what will I be?
# Be rich... be rich?
# Here's what she said to me
# Que sera sera
'# Whatever will be will be'
# The future's not ours to see
# Que sera sera
THEY JOIN IN: # What will be will be
# When I grew up and fell in love
# I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
# Will we have rainbows day after day?
# Here's what my sweetheart said
# Que sera sera
# Whatever will be will be
# The future's not ours to see
# Que sera sera
# What will be will be. # Well done, Liz Smith. Well done.
Liz is priceless. Has she moved out of sheltered accommodation?
No, she's still in it, but in Worthing.
She said she wanted both, one in London and one by the sea!
She's collected homes like he's collected them.
I loved this moment because, you know, it's like...
All old people don't want to go into a home and stuff
and I think it's just pure love that they kept her at home.
And the way Barbara's doing all those things for her.
And I remember at the time, cos Mark Mylod directed it,
and he wanted to cut into their faces.
And I knew it should be just done in one shot, cos you'd get more effect that way.
Seeing Barbara's reactions as well.
But you've just got two incredible actresses there
and it still gets me in there now when I see it.
Just cos she's never said I love you before to you.
And your face, and your brilliant acting.
A lot of people's favourite scene would be that one.
It's funny to start with, it's great performances.
So you got all the comedy of it first, and then you've got the genuine moment as well.
And as a plot point it's really key, because it's the first time she ever says that.
I think I appreciate it more, now, watching it like that,
because we are just watching that scene.
When you're watching it in the whole episode,
you don't have a chance to digest it, do you?
Cos you carry on. You're interested in what's going to go on next. But she's fabulous.
It's a wonderful performance.
Yeah, it was a great scene. Great scene.
I didn't realise until recently how funny Liz was.
The way she sometimes decides to be posh because she wants to say "Lionel". And "husband".
And that face that she does, and she says, "Yes..."
"And then..."
I love the way she repeats Barbara.
"Barbara?" Barbara.
"Barbara..."
All one take as well.
The only take they did. No, he did two. We did two.
Two takes, yeah. But we already had it at the first one.
Yeah. Liz was my favourite character
in the whole thing, cos I just loved it. And I loved...
The interplay between me and Liz was superb. And it's something that builds up.
She was the only person who ever used to corpse you.
Nobody ever corpsed you. You got everyone else.
But Liz used to get you every time.
She was... I loved her. But that scene really it just kind of
epitomises everything the Royle Family's about, all in one scene.
All the pauses, how it's played.
How it goes from kind of happiness to sadness.
And it's just really bittersweet and lovely
and it's got lots of air around it.
Yeah, it's just gorgeous and really well acted.
She has lots of 'air around her, but she's putting curlers in it...!
Made her look like...a lot neater.
MUSIC: "A Thing Called Love" by Johnny Cash
# He was the kind of a man that would gamble on luck
# Look you in the eye and never back up
# But I saw him crying like a little whipped pup because of love
# You can't see it with your eyes, hold it in your hand
# But like the wind, it covers our land
# Strong enough to move the heart of any man, this thing called love
# It can lift you up, never let you down
# Take your world and turn it all around
# Ever since time nothing's ever been found.... #
That's enough for now.