We need more cement. Where is Yvette?
She is in the kitchen with your wife, mixing it. -Not for me, I hope.
He said she would bring it down when it was ready.
Yvette, why so long?
How could I walk through the cafe carrying a bucket of cement?
It's full of German officers.
But this is my wife's best mixing bowl!
Which is why I could pretend it was full of pastry.
- Was nobody suspicious? - One of the officers tasted it.
My God! What happened?
He said your wife's cooking was getting better.
What are you doing?
Hiding the picture of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies by Von Clomp,
also the priceless cuckoo clock.
If the Gestapo find out about them, I will be shot!
If your wife finds out about you and me, you'll be shot.
We live in dangerous times.
Mary. Go upstairs and stand by the door.
If anyone approaches, stamp your foot.
- I need 10 minutes! - Just to put one brick in?
The patron knows his limitations. He's not acquainted with the art of laying bricks.
He's certainly acquainted with the art of laying everything else!
Go to your post!
- Rene, my love! - Yvette, my flower!
You are the most exciting man I've known. Let me kiss you. Let me hold you tight!
No, my cabbage, no! It's getting hard, I must get it in.
- Rene! Rene! - It's my wife!
There are two black hand marks on the back of the blouse of Yvette.
- You came all the way down to tell me that? - They are the same size as your hand marks.
Of course they are.
When I heard you approach, I thought it was the Gestapo
and wiped my hands on the blouse of Yvette, so that they will not see I'm building a wall.
- You think of everything. - I hope so!
I have a message for you. Michelle is upstairs.
- Michelle? - From the Resistance.
- I will come at once. Lay this brick. - But I've no experience of laying bricks.
Just pretend it's a German officer.
- You don't think she suspects us, do you? - No, never.
- I let her think I'm not interested in that kind of thing any more. - Does she believe you?
She asked, and I made her sleep in the wardrobe.
Michelle is in the back room. Shall I sing a song to distract them?
No, we don't want to lose any more customers.
You better come with me. I want you in the back room.
- A note would have been more discreet. - Not you, Maria!
I was wondering why I wasn't getting anywhere.
- Where is Michelle? - I am here.
Put that away. If it goes off, it can make a noise, not to mention a hole.
Who is in the cafe?
Seven German officers and two sergeants.
That is all right. Where are the two British airmen?
Hiding in the room of my mother.
- And the forger? - He's disguised as a piano player.
He plays for me when I sing to the customers.
He's a very bad pianist, but when my wife sings, nobody notices.
The customers stuff cheese in their ears.
Gather round. Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.
In that case, could you please speak slowly?
No time. I have information that you are to be interrogated by the Germans.
- What? - It is from a reliable souce, it is good information.
For me, it is the very worst information I've ever heard!
- Have they blown our cover? - We have no cover, you silly old bat!
I'm a restaurant owner, you are my wife.
Please do not use sophisticated expressions you do not understand.
They don't suspect that we're trying to hide the British airmen, do they?
We don't know. But they are ruthless men.
They may even take your wife and torture her in front of you.
- Rene! - Do not worry. I will tell them nothing.
On the other hand, they may just work on you, to drag out of you everything you know.
But I know very little,
except your name and the fact that we're hiding a few British airmen.
And the radio under the bed, and the codebook,
and in the cellar - the cuckoo clock,
and the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big boobies.
See, she remembers much more than I do. She's the one they should interrogate.
- Here, take this ring. - It's very nice of you, but I don't wear jewelry.
It is hollow. Also, inside is a pill.
If you can not stand the torture and pain, crush it between your teeth.
I see, it is a pain killer!
- You will feel nothing. - For how long?
Forever!
My God, all I want is a quiet life!
Take that, and you'll have one.
Look, are you sure that they will send for me?
Hello, hello. Cafe Rene.
It is for you.
- It is Colonel Von Strohm. What shall I say? - Act normally!
Hello, Colonel. How nice to hear your voice again.
You wish to order a table?
When are you going to come to see us again, Colonel?
You want me to come and see you?
This is very difficult, Colonel, you see, I am a very busy man.
I have the cafe, the kitchen, my wife ...
... and my bicycle has got a puncture.
No, there'll be no need to send an armored car.
Quick, my walking boots and rucksack! And make some sandwiches.
But the German headquarters is only two minutes from here!
Yes, but I'm heading for the coast.
No. If you disappear, they will tear this place apart,
and we will all be shot. No, you must go to them and bluff it out.
I'm rapidly running out of bluff...
Herr Colonel, here, look.
All we need is a pair of pliers to turn the tap
and a length of rubber hose to connect this old gas poker.
- Then we have a nice warm fire whenever we want. - Well done, Hans! Order them right away.
Herr Colonel, there's a man here to see you.
- Is he from the Gestapo? - No, he's French and he's very nervous.
Herr Colonel, it could be the Gestapo pretending to be French.
You're right, Hans. We must be very careful. What's his name?
- Monsieur Rene. - It's Rene from the cafe. Show him in.
The Colonel will see you now!
Colonel, what an honor it is to be received in your wonderful commandeered office.
I've taken the liberty of bringing a few simple, worthless gifts for you.
A bottle of Chateau Lafitte 37,
some rather good cigars which I was keeping until after the war was over,
but as are you going so well, I thought you might as well have them now.
Some cheese, a little cognac - "Napoleon", of course,
and a small bottle of perfume for your assistant.
Thank you, but I don't wear it.
Not you, this assistant: this beautiful young lady,
this fine example of German womanhood.
Oh, thank you!
- Now, what can I do for you, Colonel? - We want you to answer a few questions.
- Anything else, Colonel? - Will there be anything else, Hans?
Yes, Colonel. We shall require a pair of pliers and some rubber hose.
No, not the pliers and the rubber hose! I will tell you everything I know!
- It is so we can get the gas poker working. - Not the gas poker!
- I will tell you everything I don't know! - Sit down, Rene.
We have a serious problem.
I don't think it's as serious as my problem.
We know you have been hiding British airmen and helping them to escape.
I know you know that, Colonel.
But may I remind you that on your behalf I'm also hiding a valuable old painting,
which you want to sell after the war. - One all.
- Not to mention the priceless cuckoo clock. - Two-one?
No, Hans! No score. Because we are going to hand this painting to the Gestapo
and then they will leave us in peace, because we will hand you over as well!
But Colonel, that painting was to be your pension after the war.
With it you could have bought your own little berchtesgarten in the mountains.
If you hand it over, you will have nothing,
and if you hand me over, the cafe will not be the same,
without jolly, jovial, generous Rene,
the life and soul of any party.
It is very sad, Rene, but there's no other course open to us.
- But we've enjoyed your hospitality. - Yes, I had noticed.
We've always regarded you as a friend.
I look upon you in the same way, Colonel.
And the Captain, and the young lady out there with the ...
We all think of her as a friend.
The last thing in the world we want is for you to suffer at the hands of the Gestapo.
You are most considerate, Colonel.
So I'm going to give you this ring.
Inside is a pill. Crush it between your teeth ...
And in 1.5 seconds you'll be like a dead beetle.
I don't think I shall ever forget your kindness, Colonel.
Perhaps Rene would like to give his wife one?
Even a Frenchman cannot think of that sort of thing at a time like this.
Here, take it.
Colonel, a little idea is running around in my brain.
How would it be if we let the Gestapo find a copy of the painting?
- You have a copy of the painting? - No,
but perhaps one could be made by, let us say, a forger.
Do you know a forger?
In my business you meet all sorts. Mind you, he would want paying.
- How much? - Money means so little in these hard times,
but perhaps a bottle Chateau Laffite 37,
some cigars and a little cognac.
- What about the cheese? - You may keep the cheese.
We could use it to stuff in our ears when his wife sings in the cafe.
Ladies and gentlemen, now it is Cabaret time at "Cafe Rene"
and tonight to sing for you we have Madame Edith.
My dear friends, thank you for your welcome.
Are there any requests?
In this case, I'll sing for you
"Under the Bridges of Paris".
Would you oblige me with the cheese board? And hurry.
Oh, Yvette, it was a nightmare. I thought I'd never get out of there alive.
Question after question after question, only I gave nothing away.
Rene, you are so brave!
- While you were there, I lit candles. - Were you praying for me?
We had a power cut.
I never thought I was going to hold you in my arms again.
Has she finished?
I mustn't use Gruyere again.
It has too many holes.
Good evening.
- It's Herr Flick. - Of the Gestapo!
- The Gestapo! - Would you like a table?
Not in here. I have ordered a private room.
Rene has reserved it for you, Herr Flick. Would you come this way?
Oh, you've just missed the Cabaret!
But never mind, later I will sing for you privately.
That will not be necessary.
This is our private room, Herr Flick.
And these are the candlesticks of my mother.
This is adequate.
- I shall require a bottle of your best wine at once. - Of course, Herr Flick!
You will sit there.
You're so forceful and dominating. It's very exciting.
Good.
Very careful, this is our life insurance.
Maybe, on the other hand, it could be our death warrant.
M. Leclerc, take a look at this.
It is the Fallen Madonna With the Big Boobies.
Can you do another one?
Three big boobies?
Can you forge another picture?
The signature, yes. The painting... no.
- But you are a forger. - Yes, but not of paintings.
M. Rene, Otto Flick is in the back room.
And England will be calling you in one minute,
on the radio in the bedroom of your mother-in-law.
How close to disaster we live in this world of cloak and dagger.
Shall I hide it again?
Yes, but don't brick it up, we may need it later.
The resistance may have a proper forger.
Hello, Mama.
- What's the matter? Why are you knocking with your stick? - To make you hear me.
All day I am alone. No one comes to see me.
What kind of a life is this for your poor mother?
Gazing at the ceiling
and eating onion soup.
Nothing but onion soup...
Do not light the candle till I open the window!
So, at last you come to see
your poor, frail mother-in-law.
Shut up!
Here's the loudspeaker.
Get the codebook.
- Where is it? - In the wardrobe.
- Hello! - Hello!
Stay where you are.
Hello, Night Hawk. Are you receiving me? Over.
Allo! Allo! This is Night Hawk receiving you loud and crackerly.
Pass your message, please.
- The baby will arrive a week early. - Look it up in the book.
The baby will arrive a week early.
Oh my daughter! Heaven be praised!
A grandchild at last!
- Your old fool! I haven't put her in the family way. - So who has?
We are just looking it up in the book.
So many strangers. Have you no shame?
It means the British airmen are being picked up tonight.
That's a week early, but I'll be glad to see the back of them.
Allo! Allo! Your message understood. Over and out... and things.
Rene. Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.
The airmen must leave immediately.
They cannot leave by the main entrance, everyone is being questioned.
Then they must leave by the back, through the window of your office.
They cannot go that way, Herr Flick is having his dinner in there.
- Then they must leave by this window. - Wait, we have no ladder!
- We take the sheets from the bed and tie them together. - Good idea!
- How can you treat your poor mother in this manner? - It's very easy.
- I want to see some good, tight knots. - Yes, of course you do.
Michelle, before I forget,
we have to make a copy of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies.
- Let M. Le Clerc do it. - He cannot paint.
Neither can he play the piano. The customers block their ears.
We have nobody
but perhaps we could send it to England to have it copied.
- We could send it with the British airmen. - Yvette, go and get it.
We must get the bed to the window and tie the sheets to it.
Come on, chaps, lend a hand, bed to window.
- Jolly good show. - May I inquire why?
You're going out that way, and for heaven's sake,
not knock the slates off the roof, the Gestapo's downstairs.
Roger.
Enjoy the food and everything.
- Do not disturb us again. - No, Herr Flick.
Helga, I think you should know that I had an ulterior motive for bringing you here.
- It comes as no surprise to me, Herr Flick. - We're not here just to eat and drink.
It's very exciting to meet with a man who knows what he wants.
Of course.
The way you ordered the chocolate mousse sent shivers down my spine.
Why is it everybody so frightened of me? Deep down I'm quite a softie.
Don't destroy my illusions, Herr Flick.
I did not wish to be in the Gestapo, you know.
My godfather, Heinrich Himmler, insisted.
I'm not sure about this wine.
I expect the proprietor has the better bottles hidden in the cellar.
You're right about the wine, Herr Flick. It's made me feel very warm all over.
On the other hand, now that it has had a chance to breathe,
it has a very mellow aftertaste.
- Has he reached the ground yet? - No. He's climbing back!
- What for? Idiot! - Here, I have the picture.
How much longer must we suffer the indignities of this war?
Shut up!
- The sheet's too short. - Couldn't you jump?
Twenty foot?! I'm not in a parachute brigade!
The sheets are too short. They'll have to go through the front door.
- But they'll be questioned by the Germans! - The Germans!
Do not mention the Germans in front of my mother, it takes so long to clear up.
There's only one answer: they'll have to leave disguised in German uniforms.
German uniforms, she says. Where do we get German uniforms?
- Can your girls not help us? - Well...
Yvette. Dear, sweet, innocent little Yvette...
You know I would not ask this of you normally, but you will be doing it for France!
- I'll be doing it for one thousand francs! - What about Maria?
She'd do it for seven fifty.
You seems to be very much on edge, Herr Flick.
I've had a hard day. It is not easy being hated by so many people.
- Not when you are sensitive as I am. - You're bearing up very well.
Not as well as you.
- Does this relax you more? - No.
But I'm enjoying it.
Are you asking us to lend you our uniforms?
Believe me it is the only way to get the picture to England to have it copied.
But if the Gestapo ever found out that we have been helping British airmen to escape,
do you not think they'll be cross?
And if they find out about the stolen painting, they'll be cross.
Look! Look. You will be upstairs with the girls
and your uniforms will be quietly stolen.
After a brief but enjoyable interval, they will be returned to you.
What do you say, Colonel? The girls are waiting...
There will be time for the flying helmet and the wet celery?
Just!
I agree.
What about you, Hans?
I am thinking about my little wife, in Berlin.
What about Maria and the egg whisk?
I am thinking that Berlin is a very long way away.
And my wife is about the same size as Maria, height-wize.
It is all fixed. But don't forget the boots.
Boots?! I charge extra for boots!
Their boots!
Get out of here, chaps. Uniforms will be here any sec.
Good show!
- What is happening? - They're taking off their clothes, ready for their disguise.
They must not remove their trousers in front of my mother!
It is war. I understand.
I say, look at the crumpets!
- Get cracking, chaps. - Do you think we've got time?
Not them, the clothes!
You French people, you have some very nice jewelry.
Thank you!
- I have a trinket that is much admired. - Really?
- Can I show it to you? - If you must. - Yes.
It has a picture inside. Look.
- What lovely long blond hair. - Yes, isn't it...
Unfortunately he had to have it cut off when he joined the army.
- Are they ready? - They are dressed, but not very realistic.
My God!
- And they've forgotten the painting. - What?
The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies.
- I say, chaps, you've forgotten the picture. - No we haven't, we took it our of the frame.
And where is it now?
For heaven's sake, try to look more German!
Good night, gentlemen, come again soon. Give my love to the Fuhrer.
Cheerio!
Hans, there go our uniforms.
They promised them back in 15 minutes.
That was 10 minutes ago.
How quickly the war passes when you are enjoying yourself.
This time, with the goggles!