1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:29,234 You see in me a very happy man. 2 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,756 That balloon contains the two British airmen 3 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:35,149 who have been hiding in my café. 4 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:38,994 A favourable wind is even now wafting them 5 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:41,036 gently back to England. 6 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:42,838 And now that they have gone 7 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:46,515 the Resistance cannot blackmail me into hiding them 8 00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:49,990 and the Germans cannot shoot me for the same reason. 9 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:53,834 All that l have to do now is to get my wife's mother, 10 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:58,869 who is in a coffin in that hearse, back home and into her own bed. 11 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:02,350 l can then get back to making as much money as possible 12 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,396 out of the Germans. 13 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:10,954 Oh, René, you are 'ero of the Resistance! 14 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:14,032 The whole village will be talking about you! 15 00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:17,078 l was just doing my duty for France. 16 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,718 (Sighs) 17 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,711 René, you must hurry back - 18 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:24,349 radio London and tell them the balloon is on its way. 19 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:27,318 (Moaning) 20 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,868 Ohh! 21 00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,315 Ooh, Edith?! 22 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,356 Maria?! 23 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:38,194 Oh, will nobody come to my assistance? 24 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:41,716 - Ohh... - What is the matter, Mama? 25 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,518 Oh, Edith... 26 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:48,355 how much longer have l to wait to go to ze bathroom? 27 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:50,476 Oh! Oh! 28 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,711 Shooting has been reported from behind the woods. 29 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:56,075 lt will be the army on their manoeuvres. 30 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:59,436 Let us get back while they are busy playing at soldiers! 31 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,238 Right. 32 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,397 - Oh... - Shut up! 33 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:12,035 Hans, have you heard shooting? 34 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:15,032 - (Gunfire) - lt is coming from down the road! 35 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:17,350 Quick! 36 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:31,354 Keep shooting! That balloon must be brought down! 37 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:38,079 Keep pumping the blowlamps, Carstairs! 38 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:42,199 They can probably see the light. Shouldn't we turn them out? 39 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:45,317 lf we do that we'll come down, you ass! 40 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,153 Oh, yes. Hadn't thought of that. 41 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:49,958 Oh! 42 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:58,156 General von Klinkerhoffen, what is happening?! 43 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:01,312 That balloon must be brought down! Fire at it! 44 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,356 (Gunfire continues) 45 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,875 (Guns click) 46 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:15,035 You in there! Lieutenant Gruber! 47 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:17,918 - Who, me? - Point your gun at that balloon! 48 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:21,434 Yes, General, but l think l ought to... 49 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,512 Do not argue - fire! 50 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:43,869 - Why are you not hitting it? - Because my shells are blank. 51 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,076 Why are you shooting with blanks? 52 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:49,470 They were for the manoeuvres. That's all l have. 53 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,949 l am surrounded by idiots! 54 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:54,996 Heads will roll for this! 55 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:58,277 (Gunfire) 56 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,236 (Ricochet whines) 57 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,153 (Ricochet whines) 58 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:06,992 That was a bit close. 59 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,548 - Should we surrender? - Good idea. 60 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,949 (Both) We surrender! 61 00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:15,191 - Oh! - They're not in the mood for a chat! 62 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,192 Keep pumping, we might gain a bit of height! 63 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:24,630 (Moaning) Ooh, l'm stiff with the cold! 64 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:27,791 lnto bed, Mama. 65 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:30,599 l will bring you a nice hot-water bottle. 66 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:33,672 You could...you could fill it with gin. 67 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:36,149 You shall have a gin, Mama. 68 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:39,630 Now the airmen have gone we can return to normal. 69 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:41,676 - (Buzzer) - Quick, the bed! 70 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:46,675 Oh! Will these flashing bed knobs never cease?! 71 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:50,514 Why don't you put the radio somewhere else? 72 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,717 - Shut up! - But we are not expecting a message. 73 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:56,234 Perhaps they have heard of my exploits. 74 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:59,312 Maybe General De Gaulle wants to give me a medal. 75 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:02,073 ''Allo 'allo, are you receiving me? Over.' 76 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:06,711 'Allo 'allo, this is Nighthawk, receiving you loud and clear. 77 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,234 Put the General on the line, will you? 78 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:11,231 'We have urgent message: 79 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,709 'Red Riding Hood must not go to the wood!' 80 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,756 Get the code book. Look it up. 81 00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,717 'Red Riding Hood must not...' 82 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,758 All right, we've heard you! 83 00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:24,116 - What does it mean? - ''Do not release the airmen.'' 84 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,997 Oh, 'eck. 85 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:30,198 'Allo 'allo. Red Riding Hood has already gone to the woods. 86 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:34,068 Any minute now she will be knocking on the cottage door. 87 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,879 'The wind is giving us problems.' 88 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:40,077 Also it is giving me a problem. 89 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,997 Shut up, you old ratbag! 90 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:45,196 lt is too late, 91 00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:49,353 the airmen have gone and l am glad to see the back of them. Over and out. 92 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:55,195 l think we should all say a little prayer for the airmen. 93 00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:56,633 Come. 94 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,119 (Sighs) 95 00:05:58,200 --> 00:05:59,918 Dear Lord, 96 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:04,949 please give to the British airmen a safe landing wherever zey may be. 97 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:07,076 Amen. 98 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,429 - Hello! - Hello! 99 00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:19,476 Oh, God! 100 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:25,789 When General von Klinkerhoffen arrives, let us know immediately. 101 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,872 Do not keep him waiting. We do not vant to make him cross. 102 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,394 Yes, Colonel. 103 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:35,678 Remember, Hans, we know nothing about what has been going on. 104 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,751 - You understand? - Perfectly. 105 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:42,391 - What has been going on? - Stealing priceless paintings. 106 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:44,436 We pinched that clock. 107 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:47,159 The oldest cuckoo clock in existence. 108 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:50,232 Then there was the blowing up of the railway line. 109 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,754 Helping British airmen to escape. 110 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:56,879 All these things can affect our careers very badly. 111 00:06:56,960 --> 00:07:00,396 l vill say l know nothing of these things you have done. 112 00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:04,393 - You have done them too! - l was obeying your orders. 113 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,710 You always use that excuse. 114 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,519 What, er, happened to the cuckoo clock? 115 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,398 Ah, l was very clever about that. 116 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:17,110 l expect you think l had that bust made of myself out of vanity? 117 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:22,194 Well, l did, and then l thought it was so lifelike it could not be vanity. 118 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:28,194 Hans, that bust conceals the priceless cuckoo clock... 119 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:31,033 which l will sell after the war. 120 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:34,157 l wondered why there was a key in your ear hole. 121 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,996 Will it still work after all this time in your concrete head? 122 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,389 The mechanism is in perfect order. 123 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:47,951 (Ticking) 124 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,275 Hans, you fool! 125 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:55,638 - What have you done? - You're right! lt does work! lt is ticking. 126 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:58,678 lf von Klinkerhoffen hears my head ticking 127 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:00,671 he will think l am a bomb! 128 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:02,910 General von Klinkerhoffen is here. 129 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,673 (Cuckooing) 130 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,228 (Colonel) Oh, no - do something! 131 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:11,676 Don't let him in! Don't let him in! Don't let him in! 132 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,149 - Do something! - Don't let him in! 133 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,835 (Cuckooing speeds up) 134 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,751 (Cuckooing stops, spring twangs) 135 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,796 l have shut it up. 136 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:27,031 Put it back on the desk. Tell the General to come in. 137 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:32,356 Show the General in. Oh. 138 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,758 General Erich von Klinkerhoffen! 139 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:44,715 - Heil Hitler. - Tler! 140 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:46,392 Why did you keep me waiting? 141 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:50,109 My assistant was making sure the office was tidy. 142 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,919 The Colonel's head had fallen down. 143 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,911 l see. 144 00:08:57,040 --> 00:09:00,669 l take it this vas done before ze plastic surgery? 145 00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:04,757 Herr Otto Flick, officer of the Gestapo! 146 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,909 l believe you requested my presence. 147 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,275 l did not, l sent for you. Be seated. 148 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:26,751 lt has come to my attention that there is much Resistance activity here. 149 00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:29,559 So l am taking command of the district. 150 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:33,519 - That's very good news, General. - We are quite chuffed. 151 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,319 Priceless works of art have been stolen. 152 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:39,472 Railway lines and staff cars have been blown up. 153 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:45,397 Unauthorised balloons have been observed. 154 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,438 An armoured car has been stolen. 155 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:53,310 All these incidents encourage other Resistance groups in other areas. 156 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:56,437 They think they can defy us! lt must stop! 157 00:09:56,520 --> 00:10:00,115 - We quite agree, General. - lt is not good enough! 158 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,350 We have tried to be kind. 159 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,432 They do not appreciate it! lt does not vork! 160 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:10,069 Very little information regarding zese unruly elements 161 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,516 has been received from our intelligence sources. 162 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:16,637 ln other districts good leads have been obtained 163 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:22,078 from places to which the people have free access, such as bars and cafés. 164 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:27,154 Furthermore, amorous liaisons with local women pay good dividends. 165 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:29,754 We have tried this, General. 166 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:33,196 - Time and time again. - Vith the vaitresses in the café. 167 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:35,077 Did you learn anything new? 168 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:37,151 One or two things, yes. 169 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:40,550 - Nothing really important. - l am not surprised. 170 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,871 Ze senior underground posts are usually held by older women. 171 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,918 - ls this not so, Herr Flick? - Agreed. 172 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:52,518 There is, in fact, an older voman in the café the Colonel is referring to. 173 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:56,479 l have for a long time had my suspicions about her. 174 00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,870 An officer must be found who is attracted to older women 175 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,520 who can vorm his vay into their confidence. 176 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,716 You have a suggestion, Herr Flick? 177 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,598 My investigations reveal 178 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:11,195 that Colonel von Strohm is such a person. 179 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:14,477 lf l may say so, you are mistaken, Herr Flick. 180 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:18,473 His previous successes with senior women include... 181 00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:21,996 er, a lady hairstylist in Amiens... 182 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,116 Not Claudette's mother? 183 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:28,034 lt was early closing day. And it was raining. 184 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,270 ln Ypres, a cinema usherette. 185 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,316 - The Regal? - The Roxy. 186 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,789 Oh, was that the one with the, er... 187 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:36,836 the ice cream tray? 188 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:42,079 From the canals, a lady barge captain. 189 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,628 Oh, the big one with the flat bottom? 190 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:47,518 The little one with the big funnel. 191 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:53,268 There seems no doubt you are ze ideal agent for zis operation. 192 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:57,035 You will therefore at once make this lady your mistress. 193 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,788 General, how can l put it? 194 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,996 l don't fancy her. 195 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,514 Colonel, how can l put it? 196 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,795 How do you fancy the Russian front? 197 00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:09,677 She's a good cook. 198 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:13,150 Yes, l'd forgotten that. 199 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,310 Good. Let it be done. 200 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:19,115 - Heil Hitler. - Heil Hitler! 201 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,156 Tler! 202 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,116 Phew. 203 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:33,840 Yvette, what are you doing? 204 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:38,391 Trying to get one in ze top pocket and screw down the table. 205 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,396 Why did you not wait for me? 206 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:44,077 René, kiss me! 207 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,196 Oh, Yvette, we must be careful. 208 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,236 My wife has ears like a bat. 209 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:51,835 She might be suspicious if she does not hear a game. 210 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:56,357 While you kiss me l will make ze balls go click in ze pocket. 211 00:12:58,040 --> 00:12:59,837 Oh, Yvette... 212 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,751 Oh, René! 213 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,671 - Oh... - Oh! 214 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,716 (Both moaning) 215 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,479 What are you doing on the billiard table? 216 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:12,516 You stupid woman! 217 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,637 lt is quite obvious what we were doing! 218 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:19,759 A bulb was on the blink - Yvette was trying to screw it in tighter. 219 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,149 Then why has she not done so? 220 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,196 Because it was too hot. 221 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,477 l was lying there waiting for it to cool down. 222 00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:30,757 Then why did you not switch off the light? 223 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:34,799 What? Me, alone in the dark with one of our serving...? 224 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:38,156 Edith, what kind of a man do you think l am? 225 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,477 René, always so considerate. 226 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:45,518 René, Michelle is here. 227 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,955 - From the Resistance. - Oh, 'eck. 228 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:52,998 - Are we alone? - l am never alone. 229 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,152 Did you manage to hide ze airmen in a safe place? 230 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,676 l have concealed them where no one will find them. 231 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,751 See. 232 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:07,749 - Hello! - Hello! 233 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:12,516 Sorry about the balloon, chaps, but don't think we've forgotten you. 234 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:15,797 - Good show! - Bye-bye for now. 235 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:22,949 Now listen very carefully, l shall say this only once. 236 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:27,079 General von Klinkerhoffen has taken charge of the district. 237 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:30,675 He is a ruthless beast, without mercy or compassion. 238 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:33,194 We cannot operate under his tyranny. 239 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,272 Well, we have had a good run for our money. 240 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:40,148 l was glad to help. We will hand over the English, 241 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:44,756 you can go back to your job at the post office and l can run my café. 242 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,751 You do not understand. 243 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,673 We cannot operate under such a ruthless fiend... 244 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:51,716 so we must kill him. 245 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:54,758 But he is guarded day and night at the chateau! 246 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,593 René, you could take him some food! 247 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:00,717 And round your waist you could strap dynamite 248 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:04,236 and when you got near enough you could light the fuse 249 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,231 and - poof! - he would be gone 250 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:10,711 and you would be buried as a great hero of the Resistance. 251 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:13,758 First you would have to scrape me off the walls! 252 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:16,400 We would only do this as a last resort. 253 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,789 Oh, that is a great relief l am sure! 254 00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:23,078 But a bomb or a booby trap of some nature may be the answer. 255 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:26,232 We have the explosives - we must stay alert. 256 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:28,709 When the right moment comes... 257 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,791 we will strike. 258 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:32,438 Good! 259 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,192 Come, girls! 260 00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:38,234 What is your biggest break on this table? 261 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:41,915 Just now, when my wife swallowed that story about the light bulb. 262 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:52,358 Colonel, l... Where's he gone? 263 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:56,319 Colonel, l have the flowers you ordered for Madame Edith. 264 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,356 On the desk with them, Hans. 265 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,518 My hair is getting very thin on top. 266 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:05,676 lt's all this worry. 267 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,156 l've combed it across. 268 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:12,232 There's a bit on the other side you could use. 269 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,316 We must get rid of the General. 270 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:19,678 Yes. lf he finds out what you have been up to you are for the high jump. 271 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,354 You are in it as deep as l am. 272 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:26,830 So far he's only discovered the tip of the iceberg. 273 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:30,117 You haven't stolen a whole iceberg, have you? 274 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:34,193 Hans, the longer he is here the more we are in danger. 275 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,316 He must be eliminated. 276 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:39,676 We need either a bomb, bullet or poison. 277 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:43,196 Ooh. l've never seen you like this before, Colonel. 278 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,236 You did go mad the other day 279 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,198 when you accidentally put salt on your strudel. 280 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:51,909 Strudel! Something in his food. 281 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,956 You have it, Hans. 282 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:58,875 What we need is a good, strong, reliable weedkiller - 283 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,837 mit arsenic. 284 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,911 Where are you going to get this? 285 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,673 - You will get it today. - Where from? 286 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,149 - At the chemist's. - Oh, Colonel! 287 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:11,437 You know how l hate going for things from the chemist. 288 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:13,272 Besides, it is closing today. 289 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:17,672 Shoot the lock off, kick the door in, take an axe! 290 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:21,753 You are a German officer, Hans - behave like one! 291 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:23,558 Yes, Colonel. 292 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:26,757 And don't come back with a comb like last time! 293 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,111 (lnaudible over piano) 294 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:35,671 Yvette! Take this jug in to Herr Flick, will you? 295 00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:38,069 But it is only half full. 296 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,310 l will top it up. Erm... 297 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:44,557 Will he not notice? 298 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:47,712 These Germans, they have no nose for wine. 299 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:50,996 (Knocks) 300 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,994 - Your wine, Herr Flick. - Pour it. 301 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,356 lt looks very pale. 302 00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:05,433 Er...zis summer, there were many clouds. 303 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,391 (Gasps) 304 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,038 (Sneezes) 305 00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:13,749 For some reason it is bringing on my hay fever. 306 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,958 You're very quiet tonight, Herr Flick. 307 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,429 l am thinking dark thoughts. 308 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:27,116 l find you very exciting when you are thinking dark thoughts. 309 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:31,193 lt seems you get excited at everything, Helga. 310 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:34,317 Am l permitted to know what you are thinking? 311 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,597 l am thinking about General von Klinkerhoffen. 312 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:40,717 He has interfered with Gestapo affairs. 313 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:44,634 - He must be made to pay the penalty. - What is the penalty? 314 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:46,119 Death. 315 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,919 Herr Flick! You vouldn't! 316 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:50,956 Oh, yes, l vould. 317 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:54,555 - Oh, no - you vouldn't? - Oh, yes, l vould. 318 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,792 Already l have selected a method. 319 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:03,556 You're probably not acquainted with the Katari tribe of Vestern Borneo. 320 00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:05,756 No, l've not had the pleasure. 321 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:12,117 This is the Katari Death Pipe. 322 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,430 Haven't they got big ones! 323 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,992 ln this end we insert this small dart, 324 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:21,878 the tip of which is impregnated 325 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:27,114 with the deadly extract of a rare and almost extinct beetle. 326 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:31,591 The smallest puncture results in violent convulsions 327 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:34,558 and death within ten seconds 328 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:37,712 unless the victim receives the antidote. 329 00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:41,036 This is the antidote. 330 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:45,436 The venom is almost undetectable. 331 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:48,637 Vill not the General's suspicions be aroused 332 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:52,235 when you take the pipe from the cane and point it at him, 333 00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:56,074 as you're doing at me and vould you mind pointing it the other way? 334 00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:58,993 The Gestapo have thought of this. 335 00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:01,389 lnstead of zis pipe, 336 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:05,268 you will use zis specially adapted cigarette holder, 337 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,675 which fits the dart perfectly. 338 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:14,237 And is effective at three metres. 339 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:18,598 You are not expecting me to carry out such a cold-blooded action? 340 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:22,832 lt is for us, Helga - you and l. 341 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,957 lf von Klinkerhoffen has me recalled to Berlin 342 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:27,996 l could not live without you. 343 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:30,310 Oh, Herr Flick, this is terrible. 344 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,597 - How long do l have to decide? - Three seconds. 345 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:38,028 (lnhaling) 346 00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:40,076 l'll do it. 347 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:49,838 (Tunelessly) lf you could only care for me 348 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:54,471 As l could care for yo-ou 349 00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:58,274 René! You're eavesdropping! 350 00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:02,592 - These Germans are terrible people! - What have you heard? 351 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,353 Von Klinkerhoffen is about to be rubbed out! 352 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,396 Rubbed out? How? 353 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:10,631 Poof! With a cigarette holder. 354 00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:14,235 But he plays the piano so beautifully. 355 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,276 Not 'im! 356 00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,477 Helga! Anyway, the less we know the better. 357 00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:26,795 Hans, have you got the weedkiller? 358 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:31,670 Even better - the chemist gave me a pill containing all his best poisons. 359 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:35,196 You take it with a glass of wine. One drink and... 360 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,589 all is quiet on the Vestern Front. 361 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,116 - Are you sure it will work? - Yes. l told him it was for you. 362 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:47,198 Give it to me. l will keep it till we need it. 363 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,919 Yes. Well... 364 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:53,197 how is the big romance with Madame Edith going? 365 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:56,670 Have you loosed upon her your irresistible charm? 366 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:03,076 - Yes and no. l've given her the flowers. - Well, that's a good start. 367 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,630 - l told her they were from you. - Oh... What?! 368 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:11,111 Hans, l am a colonel, you are a captain. 369 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,156 l give the orders. 370 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:16,710 l have decided that you will woo Madame Edith. 371 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:20,634 - Oh. - Anyway, you do it better than l do. 372 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:23,439 Those girls have been gossiping. 373 00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:29,197 (Tunelessly) lf you could only care for me 374 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:34,752 As l could care for yo-ou 375 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,155 She's stopped. Applaud. 376 00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:43,070 - (Strohm) Bravo! Bravo! - Oh! 377 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:47,073 The incomparable Mademoiselle Edith! 378 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,674 Come and sit next to the Captain. 379 00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:56,195 Champagne for the handsome captain and the beautiful singer. 380 00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,236 Oh! (Giggles) 381 00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:00,880 The Colonel is drunk early this evening. 382 00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:04,071 Say something complimentary. 383 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:07,869 There is not another singer like you in the whole vorld. 384 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:10,838 Oh, how gallant the Captain is! 385 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:12,876 l must give you a kiss! 386 00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:14,916 Oh, lucky me! 387 00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:21,310 Oh! Oh, ho-ho! Ooh! l am all steamed up. (Laughs) 388 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,551 Without your glasses you are even more attractive. 389 00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:26,790 (Laughs) So are you. 390 00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:34,193 What sort of champagne would you like to buy me? 391 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:36,635 - Well... - The most expensive? 392 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:40,759 Treat yourself, Hans. You're going to deserve it. 393 00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:44,594 l will go and get it for you myself, personally. 394 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,830 (Chuckles) 395 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,355 Who's paying for this champagne? 396 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,396 Get a receipt. 397 00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:55,153 We will charge it to von Klinkerhoffen. 398 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,869 You're doing very well, Hans, l think she likes you. 399 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:03,795 Play your cards right and you'll be upstairs before the bottle's finished. 400 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,235 Make it a magnum! 401 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:09,915 He has a naughty look in his eye - 402 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,991 l think he is after my favours. 403 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:15,031 Well, when you hand them out 404 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:20,319 remember that we need paraffin, butter - slightly salted - and sugar. 405 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:25,030 René, will you not be a little jealous if l take him upstairs? 406 00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:30,069 Oh, yes, l shall weep copious tears and bang my head against the wall but... 407 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,116 this is war. 408 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:35,112 And we also need chocolate and cigarettes. 409 00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,873 Cork-tipped, the others make me cough. 410 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,838 Ah! Champagne for the Captain! 411 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:42,273 Oh! 412 00:24:42,360 --> 00:24:46,239 l am so glad it has all come out into the open. 413 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:50,791 The Captain has for a long time admired Madame Edith. 414 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:55,510 As we lie in our little bunks at night, he murmurs her name. 415 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:58,797 l even called my old bicycle after you. 416 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,235 How gallant the Captain is! 417 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:06,036 Perhaps you should take her upstairs? 418 00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:09,112 Colonel! l am not like those girls behind the bar 419 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,839 who go upstairs for a few litres of paraffin. 420 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:13,990 l'm very glad to hear it. 421 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,275 No, she wants eight gallons. 422 00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:20,638 And butter - slightly salted - sugar, chocolate and cork-tipped cig... 423 00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:24,918 Edith, take this pencil and paper in case you think of something else. 424 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:28,913 How dare you! The Captain does not want to be rushed! 425 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:33,312 Perhaps after some more wine and l have sung you a few more songs. 426 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,472 No, the Captain is much keener than that. 427 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:41,588 May l join this party? l, too, have something to celebrate. 428 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:45,719 l have been appointed ADC to General von Klinkerhoffen. 429 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:49,270 Oh, congratulations, Lieutenant Gruber! 430 00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:51,112 Hubert. 431 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:54,795 He has given me a nice room at the back of the chateau. 432 00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:58,714 Very private. You must come up and see it sometime. 433 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,031 l cannot wait. 434 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:06,954 So you will be working for the General? 435 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:10,112 Does that mean you vill be in charge of the wine? 436 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:14,034 My first duty is to organise a banquet at the chateau 437 00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:16,839 to celebrate the birthday of the Kaiser. 438 00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:19,992 The General is related and rather proud of it. 439 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:22,196 He's a bit of a snob, you know. 440 00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:24,919 You and your staff are invited, Colonel. 441 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:28,117 A party! l love a party! 442 00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:30,236 Vill there be plenty of wine? 443 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:32,276 Of course. Oodles! 444 00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:36,148 There will be a boar's head with apple in the mouth, chicken, 445 00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:39,994 and the traditional Black Forest gateau with candles. 446 00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:42,036 l can cook this for you. 447 00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:45,271 And René can serve it - can you not, René? 448 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:47,157 W-Well, l... 449 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:50,596 He could stand behind the German General all night 450 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:52,989 until he was allowed to go off. 451 00:26:54,800 --> 00:27:00,158 l-l-l expect the General would prefer outside caterers and his own staff. 452 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:04,392 On the contrary, the people in the town seem reluctant to cooperate. 453 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:07,438 The boy in the cake shop was most offhand. 454 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:09,795 l was about to ask if you could do it. 455 00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:14,829 - Of course we could! - And you can stay the night! 456 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:17,514 We have large chambers. 457 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,637 You think of everything, Lieutenant. 458 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:24,030 Bread! Bread! Loaves of bread! 459 00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:26,588 Oh, my God. Excuse me. 460 00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:30,195 l am an old bread seller. Bread, who will buy my bread? 461 00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:35,070 l have big ones, small ones, some as big as your 'ead. 462 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:37,958 - Who will... - (René) Shut up! Come here. 463 00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:40,349 Ah, patron. 464 00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,508 - You are René Artois? - l am. 465 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:47,717 Psst. lt is l, Leclerc. 466 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:51,838 Amazing! 467 00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:55,520 l have come from the Resistance. 468 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:57,716 - Oh. - Michelle says 469 00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:00,155 you are to take these small ones... 470 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:02,356 - Thank you. - All of them. 471 00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:07,070 lnside is each a stick of dynamite to blow up the General. 472 00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:10,909 Thank you, bread seller! 473 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:14,072 lf you think l'm going to strap those to myself... 474 00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:15,957 No, no, no, no, no. 475 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:20,909 Your wife is to make a Black Forest gateau for the chateau. 476 00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:24,310 - A gateau for the chateau? - Yes. 477 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:26,834 ln the gateau you will put the dynamite. 478 00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:31,118 On top of the gateau - see? - these candles. 479 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:34,112 - One of those is the fuse. - Uh-huh. 480 00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:36,077 Which one? 481 00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:39,072 Er... See, this one. You see? 482 00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:42,596 lt has a lump on the side there like a handle. 483 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:44,716 Ah. The candle with the handle. 484 00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:49,033 Good luck and vive la France. 485 00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:50,758 Vive de Gaulle! 486 00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:52,432 Who? 487 00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:55,080 The tall one with the big 'ooter. 488 00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:58,948 Ah. Vive him and all. 489 00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:01,600 Bread! Who will buy my bread?! 490 00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:04,240 Loaves of bread! 491 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:07,153 Thank you, madame. Bread! 492 00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:16,713 Everything on the list will be delivered tomorrow morning. 493 00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:19,837 Oh, Edith, l will never forget you for this. 494 00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:23,595 l will send Maria up with a warming pan to warm the bed. 495 00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:26,672 There is no need, the Captain has gone home. 496 00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:29,115 He had an 'eadache. 497 00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:37,389 Now place upon it the top half. 498 00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:45,315 Good. Now we must place in the centre the candle with the fuse. 499 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:49,154 These will burn for ten seconds, activate the detonator, 500 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:51,674 which will then explode the dynamite. 501 00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:54,638 Will it be a big bang? 502 00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:57,234 The dining room will be demolished. 503 00:29:57,320 --> 00:30:00,198 There will be gateau and medals everywhere 504 00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:02,589 and Klinkerhoffen will be no more. 505 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:04,955 Michelle, l have been thinking, 506 00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:08,635 could we not drop a hint to the Colonel and the Captain? 507 00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:12,508 l know they are Germans but they are very good customers. 508 00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:14,909 The Captain gave me flowers. 509 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:18,675 They are ze enemy. This is war. 510 00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:21,513 They are without mercy, we must kill zem. 511 00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:24,478 Henriette... 512 00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:27,233 take ze trolley with ze hamper. 513 00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:29,709 The chickens are in the 'ampers. 514 00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:32,360 Take that and the gateau to the chateau. 515 00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:36,353 Here. Give them this bill and tell them it is cash on delivery. 516 00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:39,716 - Service is included. - What do l do then? 517 00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:43,793 Come back here with the money - and run the first 100 yards. 518 00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:46,075 (Banging, moaning) 519 00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:49,156 What is it? 520 00:30:49,240 --> 00:30:52,949 How much longer do you expect your poor old mother 521 00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:55,156 to live in ze larder? 522 00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:57,708 lt is just till your room is repaired. 523 00:30:57,800 --> 00:31:00,314 - Oh... - Where is the Gorgonzola?! 524 00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:04,313 Oh... l could not stand the smell. 525 00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:07,278 So l...ate it. 526 00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:15,156 - (Static) - Haven't you got through yet? 527 00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:18,038 l've got as far as the Wimbledon exchange. 528 00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:22,318 They said l'd have to be patient and didn't l know there was a war on? 529 00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:24,356 Quite a chatty operator, though, 530 00:31:24,440 --> 00:31:27,671 she says cigarettes have gone up to ninepence. 531 00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:30,797 - Hardly worth going home. - (Woman) 'Hello?' 532 00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:34,429 Hello? Mummy? lt's Gavin. 533 00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:38,354 'Good Lord! Are you in a phone box at the station?' 534 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:40,749 No, l'm in France. 535 00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:44,719 l can't talk any louder, there are Jerries everywhere. 536 00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:47,837 'Jerries everywhere? Are you in hospital?' 537 00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:52,552 No, l'm with Bumbly Carstairs! 538 00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:53,789 Hello! 539 00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:57,475 That's him. We're doing a bit of decorating. 540 00:31:57,560 --> 00:31:59,790 'Nigel? Nigel? lt's Gavin. 541 00:31:59,880 --> 00:32:03,395 'He's in France with Bumbly doing some decorating.' 542 00:32:03,480 --> 00:32:05,436 How are you getting on? 543 00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:08,193 'Oh, it's absolute hell. 544 00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:11,989 'We're having a bridge party this evening and Cook's been called up.' 545 00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:15,709 Oh, dear. Never mind. Soldier on. 546 00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:21,318 'Darling, do give us your address and Daddy will try and get you out.' 547 00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:23,356 He can't do that, Mummy! 548 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:25,396 'Don't be silly, darling, 549 00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:28,916 'he's very friendly with the Duke of Windsor.' 550 00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:33,869 No, l mean l can't give you our address, someone might be listening. 551 00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:38,112 (Operator) 'Will you pay for a further three minutes?' 552 00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:41,590 Mummy, could l reverse the charges just this once? 553 00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:44,069 (Hangs up) 554 00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:46,276 Damn! They've cut us off! 555 00:32:46,360 --> 00:32:48,715 You never asked who won the boat race. 556 00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:52,110 Damn! l knew we called about something. 557 00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:00,871 lt seems very quiet without the Germans. 558 00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:04,509 lt won't be quiet when they hear the bang. 559 00:33:04,600 --> 00:33:08,832 Poor René, all this excitement has given him one of his 'eads. 560 00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:11,309 Oh. 561 00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:14,631 l wish we could warn the Colonel and the Captain. 562 00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:18,679 We get on quite well, we have a good working arrangement. 563 00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:22,230 Yes, as long as you do as he says, he doesn't shoot you. 564 00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:24,914 ( lntroduction) 565 00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:29,715 My friends - loyal Frenchmen! 566 00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:33,076 Tonight, the hated Germans are not with us. 567 00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:37,640 They may never be with us. 568 00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:41,349 We have this day carved one more step 569 00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:44,989 - in the stairway of freedom! - (Applause) 570 00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:48,390 She has been reading Victor Hugo again. 571 00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:50,311 We have lit the torch 572 00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:54,029 to banish the darkness of the shadow which is over our land. 573 00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:57,271 All she did was bake a cake. 574 00:33:57,360 --> 00:34:01,035 There is only one song a Frenchman may sing at a moment like this. 575 00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:02,838 You all know it. 576 00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:06,435 Boom. Why Does My Heart Go Boom? 577 00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:09,239 ( Dramatic introduction) 578 00:34:09,320 --> 00:34:14,235 Arise the children of the Fatherland 579 00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:17,517 The hour of freedom is... 580 00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:21,798 Deutschland, Deutschland über alles 581 00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:24,075 La la la la la... 582 00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:26,116 Silence! 583 00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:28,111 They have found the dynamite! 584 00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:32,193 This café has been requisitioned by the German Army! 585 00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:34,430 - Everybody out! - Everybody out! 586 00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:37,318 Do what the Colonel tells you! Come along! 587 00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:39,675 Arrange the tables! 588 00:34:39,760 --> 00:34:42,638 l-ls something the matter, Colonel? 589 00:34:42,720 --> 00:34:44,711 Herr Flick of the Gestapo 590 00:34:44,800 --> 00:34:47,951 has learnt that there is a plot to blow up the chateau. 591 00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:50,235 No! 592 00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:53,710 - Who would do a terrible thing like that? - The Resistance. 593 00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:56,997 Oh! These Resistance people, they are the limit! 594 00:34:57,080 --> 00:34:59,913 Are you sure you know nothing about it? 595 00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:03,470 l would have told you, of course, Colonel! 596 00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:05,994 l am sure it is nothing personal. 597 00:35:06,080 --> 00:35:09,277 l expect they were after General von Klinkerhoffen. 598 00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:12,193 We're all after General von Klinkerhoffen. 599 00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:16,432 What a shame, and your nice party all spoiled. Oh. 600 00:35:16,520 --> 00:35:18,476 All is not lost, René. 601 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:23,634 On my recommendation we will celebrate the Kaiser's birthday in your café. 602 00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:27,836 Oh, what an honour. 603 00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:30,796 General von Klinkerhoffen! 604 00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:36,876 - Heil Hitler. - Heil Hitler. 605 00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:38,188 Tler. 606 00:35:38,280 --> 00:35:40,840 Please, be seated, Herr General. 607 00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:42,831 Anywhere you like. 608 00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:44,876 This will be my table. 609 00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:49,112 Please make yourself comfortable, Herr General. 610 00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:52,795 René, we have been good friends for a long time. 611 00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:55,871 l want you to do me a favour. 612 00:35:57,480 --> 00:35:59,835 - Hide this. - Of course, Colonel. 613 00:35:59,920 --> 00:36:02,309 - What is it? - Just a pill. 614 00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:04,356 Oh. 615 00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:08,476 lt will be safe in there. 616 00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:11,870 - Colonel, come and sit down! - Coming, General! 617 00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:14,758 Not there, that seat is for your assistant. 618 00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:17,274 - Oh, thank you. - Not you! The girl. 619 00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:19,112 Helga! 620 00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:20,758 Ooh! 621 00:36:20,840 --> 00:36:22,831 Do you have the dart in place? 622 00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:25,559 - Yes, Herr Flick. - You know what to do. 623 00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:27,392 Yes, Herr Flick. 624 00:36:27,480 --> 00:36:29,391 My hands are shaking. 625 00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:31,675 When sitting next to a general 626 00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:35,070 it is quite proper that a girl's hands should shake. 627 00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:43,589 That seat is reserved for my ADC, Lieutenant Gruber. 628 00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:47,593 lt vill be comforting to think that he will be close at hand, 629 00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:49,716 should you need assistance. 630 00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:51,791 Where's food, where's wine? 631 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:55,156 We are just hotting up the chickens, Herr General. 632 00:36:55,240 --> 00:36:57,196 René! The wine! 633 00:36:57,280 --> 00:36:59,430 - And make sure it is the best! - Yes. 634 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:01,476 See to the wine, Hans. 635 00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:05,599 And make sure you look after the General's wine...personally. 636 00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:07,636 Yes, Herr Colonel. 637 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:13,473 René! René, the Colonel gave you a pill. Where is it? 638 00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:15,551 l have the pill in the till. 639 00:37:17,080 --> 00:37:19,833 - Which is the wine for the General? - ln this jug. 640 00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:23,959 - The pill contains a drug. - The pill in the till? 641 00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:26,998 Take it and put it in there. 642 00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:29,878 - Put the drug in the jug? - Mm. 643 00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:32,633 We nearly forgot the most important part! 644 00:37:32,720 --> 00:37:34,073 (Cheering) 645 00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:38,711 Oh, my God! The gateau from the chateau! 646 00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:41,598 - What about it? - lt contains a bomb! 647 00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:44,558 A bomb in the gateau from the chateau? 648 00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:48,872 lt was to blow up the General. Do not let anybody light that fuse. 649 00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:52,316 - Where is the fuse? - lt is the candle with the handle. 650 00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:55,392 René, you do not need to kill the General, 651 00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:58,597 we have already arranged to kill the General. 652 00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:04,276 lf we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug 653 00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:06,828 you need not light the candle with the handle 654 00:38:06,920 --> 00:38:09,229 on the gateau from the chateau! 655 00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:17,468 Simple plots are always the best. 656 00:38:18,920 --> 00:38:21,480 Put the pill in the jug. 657 00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:25,756 (Gasps, whimpers) 658 00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:29,436 l will take it! l will take it! 659 00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:31,795 l do not want to get it mixed up. 660 00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:34,956 Here we are, General! 661 00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:41,430 René, l saw you put something in the General's wine. 662 00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:44,239 - What was it? - One of my headache pills. 663 00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:46,276 They wanted to poison him 664 00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:50,239 but l am not having that in my café, it is bad for business. 665 00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:53,517 You won't have a business if the gateau blows up. 666 00:38:53,600 --> 00:38:55,716 - One thing at a time. - Rrrené. 667 00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:58,712 The chickens have been rrroasted and rrready. 668 00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:00,677 Thank you. 669 00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:03,752 Come this way. Yvette, you get started. 670 00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:05,796 Gentlemen, your helmets! 671 00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:17,319 We are here to celebrate the birthday of my ancestor. 672 00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:20,870 Wilhelm Viktor Albert ll, Markgraf of Brandenburg, 673 00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:22,871 Burgrave of Nuremberg. 674 00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:25,918 Better known to us all as ze Kaiser! 675 00:39:26,000 --> 00:39:28,912 They did very well in the stocking business. 676 00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:33,756 Charge your glasses! 677 00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:35,796 This one! 678 00:39:35,880 --> 00:39:37,836 Allow me, General. 679 00:39:39,320 --> 00:39:41,276 - No. - No, Helga. 680 00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:44,113 This is special wine for the General. 681 00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:52,472 The Kaiser! 682 00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:54,516 (All) The Kaiser! 683 00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:09,551 What time do you make it, Hans? 684 00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:11,596 Not thinking of leaving, Colonel? 685 00:40:11,680 --> 00:40:15,514 No, General. l wasn't thinking of leaving. 686 00:40:15,600 --> 00:40:18,910 Perhaps it had settled on the bottom of the glass. 687 00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:21,514 A toast to the Kaiser's wife! 688 00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:23,431 Mrs Kaiser! 689 00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:29,516 Ahh. 690 00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:36,835 Did the Kaiser have a dog? 691 00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:42,314 Let me refill your glass, General. 692 00:40:42,400 --> 00:40:44,755 Of course. Where is the food? 693 00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:47,229 Er, just coming, General! 694 00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:51,352 Gentlemen, l give you 695 00:40:51,440 --> 00:40:54,398 the smartest regiment in the German Army! 696 00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:56,994 The 7th Prussian lnfantry! 697 00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:59,036 Who wants well done? 698 00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:02,511 The smartest regiment! 699 00:41:02,600 --> 00:41:04,750 (All) The smartest regiment! 700 00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:23,071 Where is my chicken? 701 00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:30,239 lt-lt is a little...higher...than the others. 702 00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:32,311 l will get you another one. 703 00:41:36,840 --> 00:41:41,152 Colonel, l am his ADC, do you not think l ought to tell him? 704 00:41:42,240 --> 00:41:45,471 One of the first things you learn at military academy 705 00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:49,314 is never to tell a general when he has a chicken on his head. 706 00:41:51,560 --> 00:41:54,791 What happens when the gravy goes down his neck? 707 00:41:56,160 --> 00:41:58,469 The wine should work before that. 708 00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:00,516 Have some more wine, General. 709 00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:06,111 Yvette! Maria! We need a bucket of water and a bucket of sand! 710 00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:08,873 We must put out that bomb before it goes off. 711 00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:13,192 You will not. When it is lit you have only ten seconds to escape. 712 00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:15,396 My restaurant will be wrecked! 713 00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:19,598 The crater will be a monument to ze bravery of ze Resistance. 714 00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:21,796 You are out of your tree. 715 00:42:23,440 --> 00:42:26,079 To Adolf Hitler! 716 00:42:26,160 --> 00:42:28,116 (All) Adolf Hitler! 717 00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:34,830 - And Eva Braun! - (All) Eva Braun! 718 00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:40,273 And their little doggie! 719 00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:50,715 Now that we have toasted the Führer you may all smoke. 720 00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:57,312 Oh, my God. The poison dart! 721 00:42:57,400 --> 00:43:00,278 Oh, not in my café! 722 00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:03,557 Oh, dear, l have misplaced my cigarette holder. 723 00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:05,596 May l borrow yours? 724 00:43:08,080 --> 00:43:10,435 There seems to be a small blockage. 725 00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:23,470 Oh, my God, they have got the Gestapo! 726 00:43:23,560 --> 00:43:26,438 Yes, that seems to have cleared it. 727 00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:50,591 The antidote, quick! 728 00:43:50,680 --> 00:43:52,636 Where is it?! 729 00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:55,876 Oh, good. 730 00:44:24,160 --> 00:44:27,118 What is the matter with that man? 731 00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:29,156 He had the fish. 732 00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:35,559 General! lt is midnight! 733 00:44:35,640 --> 00:44:38,950 Oh dear, we are behind schedule, but never mind. 734 00:44:39,040 --> 00:44:43,795 lt is at this hour that our beloved Kaiser drew his first royal breath. 735 00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:48,078 ln accordance with family tradition l will now light the candles. 736 00:44:48,160 --> 00:44:50,230 Maria! Yvette! The buckets! 737 00:44:50,320 --> 00:44:52,788 - Where are you going? - To the little boy's room! 738 00:44:52,880 --> 00:44:57,078 - Sit down. - The Colonel also wants to go. 739 00:44:57,160 --> 00:44:59,469 - No, l do not. - Yes, you do! 740 00:44:59,560 --> 00:45:02,552 - No, l do not! - Colonel, come here... 741 00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:06,796 Yes, l do! 742 00:45:06,880 --> 00:45:08,996 Sit down! 743 00:45:10,240 --> 00:45:12,151 Open this door! Open up! 744 00:45:12,240 --> 00:45:16,279 Stay where you are! On the count of ten, get down. 745 00:45:16,360 --> 00:45:19,158 The candle with the handle! 746 00:45:19,240 --> 00:45:21,231 Now they are all lit! 747 00:45:21,320 --> 00:45:24,710 And now to commemorate the moment 82 years later 748 00:45:24,800 --> 00:45:26,756 when he drew his last breath, 749 00:45:26,840 --> 00:45:29,195 we will blow them all out again. 750 00:45:31,680 --> 00:45:35,150 For a moment l thought l was going to join the Kaiser. 751 00:45:36,560 --> 00:45:40,030 René, the candle with the handle is still lit. 752 00:45:41,160 --> 00:45:42,957 (All puffing) 753 00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:44,996 Oh! 754 00:45:56,360 --> 00:45:58,396 What do you think you are doing?! 755 00:45:59,920 --> 00:46:04,516 l did this in memory of the day that the Kaiser was buried. 756 00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:09,309 (Slurs) The burial of the Kaiser! 757 00:46:10,440 --> 00:46:12,510 (All) The burial of the Kaiser! 758 00:46:13,920 --> 00:46:17,913 René! That is the jug with the drug! 759 00:46:19,040 --> 00:46:21,156 After all that l've been through, 760 00:46:21,240 --> 00:46:23,151 l could do with a little aspirin.