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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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(Birdsong)

2
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♪ Can it be the breeze that fills the trees

3
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♪ With rare and magic perfume?

4
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♪ Oh, no, it is... ♪

5
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Are you by any chance thinking

6
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that I am singing in the bath
because I am happy? No.

7
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You are wrong. I am singing in the bath
because there is no lock on the door.

8
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Happy? I most certainly am not.

9
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The British, who scarpered
like scalded cats at Dunkirk,

10
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are obviously not coming to rescue us.

11
00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:01,155
They should have been here by now.

12
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All they do is send messages
on the wireless to the Resistance

13
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telling them to shoot the Germans.

14
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This makes the Germans very cross.

15
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So they, in their turn,
shoot the Resistance

16
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and a few hostages for good measure.

17
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By the time the British get here
there will be nobody left.

18
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- (Knocking)
- Who is it?

19
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Oh...

20
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It is I, your wife's mother.

21
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Go away!

22
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I-I wish to use the little girl's room... Oh!

23
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You are a big girl now.

24
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Use the one outside in the yard.

25
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The one outside is frozen!

26
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Well, have a hot cup of cocoa and run.

27
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Will they give me no peace?
As I was saying...

28
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- (Knocking)
- The Brit... What is it now?

29
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Psst! It is I, Leclerc.

30
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- Er... May I use the erm...
- No, you may not. Get out.

31
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As I was saying, the British...

32
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- (Knocking)
- What is it?

33
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It is I, Yvette.
Are you ready for two big jugs?

34
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Er, yes, come in.

35
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- Ah.
- Shall I let you 'ave it?

36
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By my feet, yes.

37
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Ohhh! Oh!

38
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Oh, the old boiler is in a terrible state.

39
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I do not know why I married her
in the first place.

40
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Oh, René,

41
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when we are married,
will it always be like this?

42
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Possibly.

43
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Oh, just the sight of your body
covered in bubbles drives me wild.

44
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I will scrrrub your back!

45
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Now, where is the soap?

46
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Oh! I will get it.

47
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Ah! There.

48
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There. Be careful with it,
that is all that I 'ave.

49
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Ah. Tonight I will get
a bigger one from the Colonel.

50
00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:05,550
I should not be surprised.

51
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(Edith) René!

52
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René!

53
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How much longer are you going
to be in the bathroom?

54
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My mother wishes
to avail herself of the facility.

55
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I told her to use the one in the yard.

56
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The British airmen are hiding in it.

57
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You'll have to put her in the wheelchair

58
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:26,674
and take her to the one
in the town square.

59
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The Germans have padlocked it
ever since someone wrote on the wall

60
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that poem about Hitler
and his shortcomings.

61
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She'll have to contain 'erself,

62
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I'll be out in a minute.

63
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One day you will get what you deserve.

64
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Not with people coming
in and out of the bathroom all day.

65
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- What is Yvette doing in here?
- Yes, what are you doing here?

66
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Er, I brought in the jugs.

67
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Then you have no reason to stay.
Go about your business. Hurry!

68
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- Yes, René.
- Oh, René...

69
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always the disciplinarian.

70
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Would you kindly leave now?
I am about to remove the plug.

71
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I'll fetch you a nice, hot towel.

72
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:10,558
Oh, Edith, those stairs -
they are too much for you, my dear.

73
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Er, send up Maria.

74
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Oh, René, always so thoughtful.

75
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(Loud knocking)

76
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Psst. Are we alone?

77
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Not for very much longer, I suspect.

78
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Listen very carefully,
I shall say this only once.

79
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Why is it that you say things only once?

80
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I shall say this only once

81
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because I am clinging to
a rusty drainpipe.

82
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I 'ave a plan to get
rid of the British airmen

83
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who are 'iding in your outside bog.

84
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:48,153
Well, that will be a great relief
to my wife's mother.

85
00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:51,391
Now, pay careful attention,
this is the plan.

86
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The brackets 'ave cracked and
are coming away from ze wall.

87
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What does that mean?

88
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:07,036
It means you are going to need
a new drainpipe.

89
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(Screams)

90
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(Crashing)

91
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:15,308
(Hollow clang)

92
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I would go to her assistance

93
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:20,432
but you will understand
the position I am in.

94
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(# Piano introduction)

95
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(Tunelessly) # Love is where you find it

96
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:28,917
♪ You'd be blinded, it's all around you

97
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- # Everywhere
- (Bell)

98
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♪ Eve-ry-where! ♪

99
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:45,598
Oh, I will have to stop
putting cheese in my ears.

100
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:47,398
Why is this, Hans?

101
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:51,029
I woke up this morning,
there was a mouse on my pillow.

102
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:54,749
Mme Edith has an unusual voice.
Was it trained?

103
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Oh, yes... but it escaped
and returned to the wild.

104
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- Your usual, Lieutenant?
- Thank you.

105
00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,158
Thank you.

106
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:08,392
You are looking very...
pink and fresh today.

107
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:13,349
I saved up my water ration
and my soap ration to have a bath.

108
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I have a very big bath at the chateau...

109
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if ever you want to luxuriate.

110
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How the conquering heroes live!

111
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If it was not for those meddlesome
Resistance people,

112
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it would be quite a peaceful life.

113
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And, er... talking of Resistance...

114
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There are rumours about you, René.

115
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It is said that you are something
that you don't appear to be at first sight.

116
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I have heard the same about you.

117
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I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

118
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:47,989
I hope you are never
interrupting anything.

119
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The Colonel vishes you to sit at his table.

120
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I was just going to ask you to sit at mine.

121
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Vell, ve asked first!

122
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First come, first served, I'm afraid.

123
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,517
Maria, take over the bar.

124
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Make sure the Lieutenant
gets what he wants.

125
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Oh, can't I just take over the bar?

126
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,193
- René!
- Yes, Colonel.

127
00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:09,669
- Sit down.
- How are you today?

128
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How is the war going?
Do you have the half-time score?

129
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,352
That is what I want to talk
to you about, René.

130
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:19,989
I know you have helped
some British airmen to escape.

131
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:21,354
- Well, I...
- But...

132
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I'm prepared to vipe the slate clean.

133
00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:25,516
Ah, thank you, Colonel.

134
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:28,592
But you must promise
to stop helping the Resistance.

135
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:32,468
- Of course, Colonel.
- Promise me on your honour?

136
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:36,348
Colonel, you must understand,
I am in business,

137
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some of the Resistance
could be my customers.

138
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,919
- Without my knowing...
- Don't be devious!

139
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Promise me. On your honour.

140
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,199
- Well...
- On your honour as a Frenchman.

141
00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:50,477
Oh, well, that is different.
You have my word.

142
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:52,437
Good, you may buy us a drink.

143
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:56,752
Rrrené! Rrrené,
the most drrreadful thing has happened!

144
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,354
There's a rrrow of sausages
in the kitchen.

145
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:02,989
- Why is that so dreadful?
- Somebody has rrremoved one,

146
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the one with the little swastika on it.

147
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,234
- What?
- The one with the swastika?

148
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:11,676
That is the personal sausage
of Herr Flick of the Gestapo.

149
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:16,151
It contains the painting of the Fallen
Madonna With The Big Boobies.

150
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:17,958
Rolled up.

151
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:21,999
Don't get confused, Hans,
it contains only the forgery.

152
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,469
The real one is still safe in my cellar.

153
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,710
There you are, nothing to worry about.

154
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:29,394
I do have something to worry about,

155
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,471
what if Herr Flick asks for it back?

156
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:34,120
- Tell him it's been nicked.
- He'll have me shot!

157
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,794
No, he won't. I'm the commandant here.

158
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:39,348
Herr Flick has no authority
to have you shot.

159
00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:43,228
He will have to ask the Colonel.
And he will have you shot.

160
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:46,915
- That makes me feel better.
- René! René!

161
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:50,231
René? You wife is trying
to attract your attention.

162
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:53,118
Take no notice.
It won't be anything important.

163
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,829
It may be very important.
She may wish to sing another song.

164
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,115
- René! Go at once!
- Yes.

165
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,798
What is it?

166
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:05,111
The grandfather clock
in the back room needs winding.

167
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,317
Edith, we have no grandfather clock!

168
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,710
It is code!
Do you never read your code book?

169
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:14,155
It means the Resistance
is in the back room.

170
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:16,196
Oh, 'eck!

171
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:23,951
Zat English idiot who thinks
he can speak French is outside.

172
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:28,390
Good moaning.

173
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:32,917
It is not "moaning", it is evening.

174
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:36,470
- What do you want?
- Michelle of the Resistance

175
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:39,836
washes to tick to you.

176
00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:44,232
She has had a nursty occident
by failing off a drainpoop.

177
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:49,318
All right, you know the code book,
what is he saying?

178
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:52,358
Carry her this wee.

179
00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:54,795
And do not let her drip.

180
00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:58,714
She has strooned her back

181
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:02,634
and has also a compost fricture
of the left log.

182
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:07,915
Listen very carefully,
I shall whisper this only once

183
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,956
because I am in great pain.

184
00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:12,873
Her log is in Plister of Poris.

185
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,674
My God, what did she land in?

186
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:20,514
I have a plan to get rid
of the British airmen by air.

187
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:23,034
Oh, no, not that balloon again!

188
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:26,032
In the museum
is an exact replica of the plane

189
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:31,114
used by Pierre Laconte
to cross the Channel in 1910.

190
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:33,998
Pierre Laconte?
I 'ave never heard of him.

191
00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:36,036
Think back, you must have done.

192
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,716
It was not in the paper.

193
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,519
He tried to cross
the Channel before Blériot.

194
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:46,036
He crashed but the plane
is still airworthy.

195
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:48,475
Except that there is no engine.

196
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:51,438
What good is it without an engine?

197
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:55,513
The engine of a lawn mower
would give sufficient power.

198
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,239
So? What do you want me
to do about it?

199
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:01,198
Steal the plane,
find a motor and contact me

200
00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:05,034
in bed three, ward seven,
Nouvion General Hospital.

201
00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:08,676
She has pissed out.

202
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:17,233
- What bravery.
- What fartitude.

203
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:22,911
You had better get her out of here
before anything worse happens.

204
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,560
And do not drip her... Drop her.

205
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,398
She is ready
for your inspection, Herr Flick.

206
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,038
Good.

207
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,351
It's very generous to buy me
a suit out of Party funds.

208
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,396
I had no alternative.

209
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:52,871
I could not take you to the Gestapo club
looking any old how.

210
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,916
- Now, let me see.
- (Whimpers)

211
00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:00,318
Hm. The shoulders are good.

212
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,311
But the lapels are not good.

213
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:07,075
Hmm.

214
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:10,828
The vaist is good.

215
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,876
But the sleeves are not good.

216
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,918
I think the skirt is excellent.

217
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,513
I do not agree.

218
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:28,312
- How about the hat?
- Approved.

219
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:31,597
Herr tailor? You will do better.

220
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:34,069
Or something nasty vill happen.

221
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:35,639
Yes, Herr Flick!

222
00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:43,957
(Gasps)

223
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,472
I am sorry to interrupt

224
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:51,199
if you are in the midst
of an interrogation.

225
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:54,511
(Flick) Avert your eyes,
von Smallhausen!

226
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,876
I have important news.

227
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:01,509
Helga, retire behind the screen
and reclothe yourself.

228
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,556
Yes, Herr Flick.

229
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,952
The Resistance have kidnapped
your Knockwurst sausage

230
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,679
and are demanding a ransom
for its return.

231
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:14,594
Why should I pay a ransom
for a Knockwurst sausage?

232
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:18,434
It appears that the sausage
contains a valuable painting

233
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,717
which you, no doubt,
were keeping safe for Hitler?

234
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,633
That is correct.
When did you learn of this?

235
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:28,508
I received the information
at 11 o'clock this morning.

236
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:32,912
That was four hours ago.
Why did you take so long to inform me?

237
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:37,391
The message was wrapped around
a brick and thrown at my head -

238
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:40,950
I have just regained consciousness.

239
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:53,873
- This is very serious.
- It's not as bad as it looks.

240
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,392
The theft of my sausage is serious.

241
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:01,472
They are demanding 800,000 francs.

242
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:06,076
If you do not pay up they will deliver it
to you two inches at a time.

243
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,037
- Helga!
- Yes, Herr Flick?

244
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,634
Your Colonel is in charge of security.

245
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:13,871
Tell him that if the painting
is not recovered

246
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,996
he is to burn down the town.

247
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:19,634
Except for this building.

248
00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:21,631
- Yes, Herr Flick.
- Herr Flick...

249
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:25,349
I have a small but comfortable apartment
over the bakery.

250
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:29,831
Could you perhaps make some
special recommendation about it?

251
00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:31,831
Yes.

252
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,832
Sell the toaster and do not pay ze rent.

253
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:41,756
Edith! Yvette! Maria!

254
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:46,914
Ohhh... why does nobody
pay attention to an old woman

255
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,753
when she is banging?

256
00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:51,671
(Gasps and wheezes)

257
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:57,712
What is the matter? We are busy
downstairs running a business.

258
00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:00,553
Oh, Edith, I am going mad.

259
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:05,794
Why do I keep seeing
strangers in my bed?

260
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:09,953
Do not worry, Mama,
there are strangers in your bed.

261
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:12,918
- (Both) Hello!
- (Squeals)

262
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,753
Do not be afraid, it is the British airmen.

263
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:18,991
Airmen? B-But w-why...

264
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:23,710
are they dressed like
two decrepit old bats?

265
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,473
Because, if the Germans
search the place,

266
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:29,358
they will not suspect
two old ladies in your bed.

267
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:34,195
Oh, it seems very strange to me.

268
00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:39,354
It is strange even to me
and I am a Frenchman.

269
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,590
Shut up! Go to sleep.

270
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,279
This is a very serious situation, René.

271
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:50,388
If we do not recover the sausage I vill be
compelled to burn down the town.

272
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:54,029
He vill obeying orders.
Ve all have to obey orders.

273
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,076
Colonel, it is very simple.

274
00:15:56,160 --> 00:16:00,358
Just give Herr Flick your sausage
containing the real painting.

275
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,795
Tell him you got it from the Resistance.

276
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,519
René, it is my pension!

277
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,909
- Our pensions.
- All our pensions.

278
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:12,516
You know these Resistance people,
you must explain to them and get it back.

279
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,797
Otherwise their lovely town
will be burned down.

280
00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:17,836
I have news for you.

281
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:21,435
The rumour is
this is not just any old Resistance.

282
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:25,229
- It's the Communist Resistance.
- (Gasps) Communist Resistance?

283
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:27,709
Their funds are low,
they need the money

284
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:30,712
to buy explosives
to blow up your tanks and trains.

285
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,997
- It is all in a good cause.
- Shut up.

286
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,509
Colonel, I have a plan.

287
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:40,114
Helga has a plan.

288
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:53,995
Why do we not give them the money
and then ambush them and take it back?

289
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,150
It sounds rather risky, Helga.

290
00:16:56,240 --> 00:17:00,597
But you have at your disposal
a whole regiment of troops.

291
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:04,070
But if he turned to hand over the money
with a whole regiment

292
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,879
wouldn't the Resistance
become suspicious?

293
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:12,557
Of course they would.
That was a stupid suggestion, Hans!

294
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:15,632
Every time I make a suggestion
you shoot me down.

295
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:18,359
You are destroying my confidence.

296
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:20,715
I feel this big.

297
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:23,360
I am like a vorm!

298
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:25,795
Useless, worthless.

299
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,632
(Sobs)

300
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:29,551
Have you finished?

301
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,517
Yes.

302
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:34,068
But I'm very hurt.

303
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,549
Helga, forgive me for asking

304
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:39,791
but where are you going
to get the money?

305
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:41,279
We can use dummy money!

306
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:44,352
If you do that
they will shoot you on the spot.

307
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:48,194
Yes! I'm not the only one
who makes stupid suggestions!

308
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,999
That one was a real stinker.

309
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,036
- Colonel...
- (Mocking laugh)

310
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:57,472
In the safe in your office
you have the money.

311
00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,597
- The troops' wages.
- We have to pay them on Friday.

312
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:04,355
- What if we don't get it back?
- We could give them IOUs.

313
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,193
Two-one.

314
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:10,431
It is your town they're going to burn.
You find the money.

315
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:13,956
Where am I supposed to find
800,000 francs?

316
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:17,555
- Have a collection.
- I could sing at all the cafés.

317
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,870
They would pay you hush money.

318
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:23,959
(René) Oh, my God.

319
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:29,239
Ah! Shhh. It is I, Leclerc.

320
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:35,555
I have received a message
from the Resistance. (Chuckles)

321
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,596
Er...

322
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:40,598
This here.

323
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:44,598
Hang on, there may be a reply.

324
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,830
Not bloody likely.

325
00:18:56,720 --> 00:19:01,077
"Pay the money tomorrow, midday,
or sausage will be sliced.

326
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,594
"Arrangements to follow..."
Oh, my God.

327
00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:06,717
If they cut it, Herr Flick
will make you burn the town.

328
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,553
And everything for which
I have worked and slaved

329
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:12,279
all these years will be gone.

330
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,557
What? Colonel, I am desperate.

331
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:19,474
What is to stop me giving Herr Flick
the painting in my cellar?

332
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:23,030
- A bullet from this.
- Be reasonable, Colonel,

333
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:26,590
where am I going to get 800,000 francs
by midday tomorrow?

334
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:31,071
- Rob a bank.
- How can I? Everybody knows me.

335
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,436
You could wear one of
my stockings over your face.

336
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:38,832
And how am I supposed to see through
30-denier lock-knit lisle thread?

337
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:41,992
You can see through Helga's stockings.

338
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,798
I expect.

339
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,838
But the banks have guards.

340
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:49,718
I will be shot and finish up
in the mortuary.

341
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:51,870
The mortuary, of course!

342
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,713
Monsieur Alfonse, the rich undertaker.

343
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:57,997
- What about 'im?
- He has money. Lots of money.

344
00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:00,435
It is hidden in his mattress.

345
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:03,751
Our problem is solved.
Your wife will borrow the money,

346
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:05,637
we will pay for the sausage,

347
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:08,871
the Colonel will lay an ambush
to arrest the communists

348
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,712
and we will recover the ransom.

349
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:14,190
There is always a simple solution,
is there not?

350
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:18,592
Inform us as soon as you know
the meeting place. Come on.

351
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:24,353
Oh... You have to hand it
to these Germans.

352
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,113
They are wonderful at organisation.

353
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:31,557
What is so wonderful?
We have to get the money.

354
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,632
René! I have a message from Michelle.

355
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:39,350
If you steal the motor mower
on Thursday, the aeroplane on Friday,

356
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,874
then the airmen can leave on Saturday.

357
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,520
I think Michelle has concussion.

358
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:53,152
(Panting) Have you seen my wife?

359
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:56,516
She's upstairs
preparing herself in all her finery

360
00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,716
for a dinner with M Alfonse.

361
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,995
(Tuts) Oh, René.

362
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:04,436
Why don't you persuade her
to marry M Alfonse?

363
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,750
Then I could be with you forever.

364
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:10,116
Loving you, kissing you...

365
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:12,475
'olding you.

366
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,074
Oh, I am so wild about you,

367
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:18,232
I find it 'ard to control myself.

368
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,197
So I see.

369
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,192
You can have a quick cuddle
before she comes down.

370
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,236
(Both) Ohhhh!

371
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:28,073
Right, time's up. Get the napkins.

372
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:33,234
Ohhh, you... You animal, you!

373
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:36,198
- (Growls)
- (Door closes)

374
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:38,799
Rrrené!

375
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,440
In a moment your wife will be down.

376
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:45,149
Lift me in your strong arms,
embrrrace me!

377
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:47,595
Prrress your body to my body.

378
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,114
Crrrush your lips to my lips.

379
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,760
(Gasping) Bury your face in my neck!

380
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,274
Rrruffle my hair!

381
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,555
- Oh!
- (Bell chimes)

382
00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:00,757
You have just failed to beat the clock.

383
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:02,956
René, M Alfonse is 'ere.

384
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:06,999
Maria, get the soup, you put
the napkins down and come with me.

385
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,111
Ah, M Alfonse,

386
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,953
welcome to my humble restaurant.

387
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:15,429
René, I was burying
the widow Blanquette

388
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,476
when I received the invitation -

389
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,516
I dropped everything.

390
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:23,798
- Ah, M Alfonse.
- Mme Edith.

391
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:27,429
I feel like a man 20 years younger.

392
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:30,239
So does she but we need his money.

393
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:35,196
I have arranged for us
a little dinner for two

394
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,111
in the private room in the back.

395
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,589
Alone?

396
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:43,275
But what about M René,
the hero of the Resistance?

397
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:46,079
Er, I am going to be heroic
behind the bar.

398
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,993
But our meeting concerns
the Resistance.

399
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:52,072
We feel it is time you joined our ranks.

400
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:56,836
To kill and to die for France
is the dearest wish of any Frenchman.

401
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:59,559
Then you should be easily satisfied.

402
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,596
Step this way, please.

403
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:03,671
Maria? The soup.

404
00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:16,557
Would you care for a rrroll
with your rrrepas?

405
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,676
- Thank you.
- (Banging on table)

406
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:20,990
That will do, girl. You may leave us.

407
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:29,072
Allow me, Madame...

408
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:33,358
to fill your bowl as
I would wish to fill your life.

409
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:36,432
Oh, M Alfonse,
you are such a gentleman.

410
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:39,478
I endeavour
always to be refined, Madame,

411
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:43,155
in my thoughts,
my words and my deeds.

412
00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:45,196
(Loud slurping)

413
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:48,516
Delicious.

414
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:07,318
- Have you seen the pepeer?
- Yes, the news is terrible.

415
00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:11,674
I was referring to the pepper
for the soup.

416
00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:14,558
- It is on the side table.
- Of course.

417
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:29,153
One twist or two?

418
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,196
Two.

419
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:38,639
It is old but it still grinds.

420
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:57,279
And now, Madame...
to what do I owe the honour

421
00:24:57,360 --> 00:24:59,590
of this delightful dinner?

422
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:02,756
(Slurping)

423
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:06,958
My fiancé René lives a life
of constant danger.

424
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:09,554
Any moment he may fall off his perch.

425
00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,438
Perish the thought, Madame.

426
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:14,397
(Slurping)

427
00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:18,519
There must be someone
who will do what he has been doing.

428
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:28,389
Madame... I tremble
with excitement and anticipation.

429
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:30,710
- In the Resistance.
- Oh.

430
00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:33,234
This also I will do.

431
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:36,630
- Just call me when I'm needed.
- You are needed now.

432
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,676
(Whimpers)

433
00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:42,236
- In the Resistance?
- Shhh!

434
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:45,551
Just tell me, Madame,
how a weak, short-sighted,

435
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:49,838
slightly crippled old man
with a dicky ticker...

436
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:54,232
can help you and you will receive
my fullest cooperation.

437
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:57,278
We need funds. Money.

438
00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:00,675
Oh, of course.

439
00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:05,352
The Resistance do not take cheques.

440
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:08,238
Pardon my stupidity, Madame, of course.

441
00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:12,036
I 'ave my wallet.

442
00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:15,396
- Just name the figure.
- It is a lot.

443
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:18,517
No sacrifice will be too great.

444
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:20,636
800,000 francs.

445
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:35,474
M Alfonse!
Keep breathing, keep breathing!

446
00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:38,120
Keep breathing, keep breathing.

447
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:40,919
Do you think
she's going to get the money?

448
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,434
She is certainly earning it.

449
00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:56,830
Hans, are you sure
this is the right bridge?

450
00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:59,593
Yes, Colonel,
this is definitely the place.

451
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:03,036
René should be here
vith the money at midday.

452
00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:07,473
Is the secret camera operating correctly?

453
00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:09,516
I vill demonstrate, Colonel.

454
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:13,709
(Hooting, shutter clicks)

455
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:22,191
Do you think anyone will suspect an owl
vith a three-second exposure?

456
00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:25,511
Only another owl, Colonel.

457
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:33,079
Keep still, Hans.
Trees don't wriggle up and down.

458
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:36,994
I'm sorry, Colonel.
I am having a problem vith a squirrel.

459
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:39,230
I think he's looking for some nuts.

460
00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:44,911
My ambush troops should be
taking up position by now.

461
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,031
I cannot see them, Colonel.

462
00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:50,270
Of course you can't, Hans.

463
00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:54,797
They're disguised in a manner
that will not arouse suspicion.

464
00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:57,519
Left, right, left, right,

465
00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:01,957
left, right, left, right, left, right...

466
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:08,072
It is all right, Herr Flick, the coast is clear.

467
00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:21,033
Do you think we are safe from detection?

468
00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:23,475
Definitely. No one vould suspect us

469
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:26,916
dressed in the manner
of girls of the Resistance.

470
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,514
Can you see the rendezvous, Herr Flick?

471
00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:34,435
I am observing through
my powerful binoculars.

472
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:37,193
Have you anything to report?

473
00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:45,153
An owl has just raised its feathers to
reveal a 35mm Leica between its legs.

474
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:49,239
Perhaps it is the mating season.

475
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,390
(Shutter clicks)

476
00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:00,509
Put it away, Hans.

477
00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:03,478
I can see the ambush.
They're in position.

478
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:09,436
Where is René with the money? He's late.

479
00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:12,990
Maybe he was arrested
by the troops at the roadblock.

480
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:15,594
You underestimate me, Hans.

481
00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:17,955
I have equipped him with a disguise

482
00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:22,158
that will enable him to pass freely
though the countryside.

483
00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:24,708
Left, right, left, right, left, right,

484
00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:27,075
left, left, right, left...

485
00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:29,116
(Shouting gibberish)

486
00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:34,268
Shut up! Can you never
underplay anything?

487
00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:37,192
- There is the bridge.
- Eh?

488
00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:40,795
Where we are to meet the girls
of the Communist Resistance.

489
00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:48,877
There is the bridge where
we are to meet René's party.

490
00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:51,394
They will be disguised as Germans.

491
00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:53,914
Germans?

492
00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:58,436
Halt. Zere is ze bridge.

493
00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:03,230
To the left you will be observing
the girls of the Communist Resistance.

494
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:06,392
Zay will be in possession of the sausage.

495
00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:09,392
Beyond the bridge
you will see the café owner

496
00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:12,392
and his party disguised
as German soldiers.

497
00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:16,075
Zay will be in possession
of the ransom money.

498
00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:19,914
Everything is proceeding
according to plan.

499
00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:27,839
♪ I'm not much to look at

500
00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:29,956
♪ Not much to see

501
00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:34,830
♪ Just glad I'm living and lucky to be

502
00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:39,118
♪ But I've got a someone
who's crazy for me

503
00:30:39,200 --> 00:30:41,919
♪ I'm funny that way ♪

504
00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:46,359
Halt zere.

505
00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:49,796
- Do you have the money?
- Yes, we have the money.

506
00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:52,872
- Do you have the sausage?
- It is here.

507
00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:55,679
Bring ze money forward.

508
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:03,355
Place it on the ground.

509
00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:07,030
Retire ten paces.

510
00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:20,439
When we have checked the money,
then you will get the sausage.

511
00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:26,030
Halt!

512
00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:29,590
What is going on here?
This is very suspicious.

513
00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:32,752
Erich, Kurt, sit!

514
00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:38,639
(Scoffs) These communists,
they trust nobody.

515
00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:40,438
It is all there!

516
00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:44,069
We'll get it all back again
when the Colonel's troops arrive.

517
00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:45,991
Where are they?

518
00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:48,958
In a moment they will arrive
at the rrrendezvous,

519
00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:51,600
rrrecover the money
and rrreturn it to us!

520
00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:54,069
It is correct.

521
00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:57,038
Er... Check it again if you like.

522
00:31:58,280 --> 00:32:00,555
Where have they got to?

523
00:32:00,640 --> 00:32:03,712
Here is your sausage.

524
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:05,313
(Barks)

525
00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:08,949
Hey! Come here, you naughty boy.

526
00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:11,270
Come here!
Come here with that sausage!

527
00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:13,510
Drop! Drop!

528
00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:15,670
(Leclerc) Allez!
(René) Stupid...

529
00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:18,593
It is a trap. Quick, into the woods.

530
00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:20,432
Oh!

531
00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:27,435
A dog has just apprehended
the Gestapo sausage! Arrest him!

532
00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:33,437
Three Resistance girls are escaping.

533
00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:35,476
Ve vill pursue them!

534
00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:40,751
Hans! Our pensions! Quick!

535
00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:48,116
(Gruber) Come back, dog!

536
00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:50,668
(René) Come back, you stupid dog!

537
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:52,716
(Yelling and barking)