1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:39,556 Madame Peyet is in the family way. 2 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,358 She is pleased. 3 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:43,351 Her husband is not. 4 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:46,352 He has been in the nick for two years. 5 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:49,193 Rumour has it that the father is Maurice Gazier, 6 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:52,078 whose mistress is Madame Coisette, the milliner, 7 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:56,597 whose brother was ADC to General Claude Cavillon, the hero of Ypres, 8 00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:59,240 which is where he obtained his wooden leg, 9 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:01,709 which he keeps on the mantelpiece. 10 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:05,156 You have not met any of these people and nor are you likely to 11 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,879 but I thought I'd fill you in on a little local gossip 12 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:12,272 because my affairs are so complicated, I would not know where to begin. 13 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:15,432 Rrrené, I have a message from the Rrresistance. 14 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:18,478 - The communists or our lot? - Our Rrresistance. 15 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:21,916 The Alsatian has rrreturned to Lieutenant Grrruber 16 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:25,197 with the sausage which he rrretrrrieved. 17 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:27,510 Thank you, Maria. 18 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,875 Thank God he was not a Rottweiler. 19 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:35,193 The sausage is the one containing the forged painting 20 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:37,669 of the Fallen Madonna With The Big, erm... 21 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:40,638 which the communists stole from my kitchen 22 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:43,553 and then demanded a ransom of 800,000 francs. 23 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:46,712 - (Footsteps) - René. 24 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:49,951 I just met M Alfonse, the undertaker, in the square. 25 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:52,554 He is wanting the return of his money. 26 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,835 I told him you were dealing with it. 27 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:56,876 So is has gone home quite happy. 28 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,837 Thank you, Edith. 29 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:02,912 This is the money that he lent us to pay the ransom 30 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,355 on the understanding that the German colonel 31 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:08,034 would organise an ambush to snatch it back. 32 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:12,352 This he failed to do so the communists still have the money. 33 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:16,433 (Sighs) How do you tell an ageing old undertaker with a weak heart 34 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:20,069 that his entire life savings have gone, hm? 35 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,230 By telephone. 36 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,236 Nouvion 302, please. 37 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,676 Oh. Ah, you are on duty again, Antoinette. 38 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:33,992 Are you still listening in on everybody's phone calls? 39 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,674 Madame who? What, the milliner? 40 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,400 Another one? 41 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,950 Well, how does she find time to make the hats? 42 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,634 This is where I get it all from. 43 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,188 'Allo, M Alfonse, how are you? 44 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,794 It's René from the c... No... 45 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,235 N-now, are you sitting down? 46 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:56,675 Oh, you are laying out. 47 00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:59,791 Embalming? Oh. 48 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,189 Can you do that with one hand? 49 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,475 Is it, er, anybody we know? 50 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:12,120 Oh, yes. Well, he was not looking well. 51 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:15,510 I have some news for you, the sausage has been returned. 52 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:17,431 It went like clockwork. 53 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:20,910 The money? Well, it is safe. 54 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,151 Well, no, not exactly here, no. 55 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,869 You will have to wait a few days before you can have it back. 56 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:32,633 No, M Alfonse, the Resistance do not pay interest. 57 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,795 Herr Flick, I have something to report. 58 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,189 Helga, how did you get in here? 59 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,919 I used the key that you personally gave to me. 60 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,389 You do not use that key during working hours. 61 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:49,311 That is only for emergencies 62 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:52,710 and for secret assignments previously made and approved 63 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,518 for private canoodles. 64 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,397 Sorry, Herr Flick. 65 00:03:57,480 --> 00:03:59,675 Conceal it upon your person. 66 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,955 That is not easy, Herr Flick. 67 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:04,349 You will think of something. 68 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:14,673 What is your report? 69 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:17,797 I have to report that Lieutenant Gruber has returned 70 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:20,997 and has been apprehended by your agent, von Smallhausen, 71 00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:22,672 who is here now. 72 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,990 Tell him to come in here. 73 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:31,557 Come in here! 74 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,595 - Report. - Following your instructions, 75 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,148 I apprehended Lieutenant Gruber. 76 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:47,950 He was in the act of doing his exercises by performing press-ups on the carpet. 77 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:51,476 - Did he put up a struggle? - No, we took him by surprise. 78 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,790 - He is outside. - Bring him in here. 79 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,556 Bring him in here! 80 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:14,430 You sent for me? 81 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:18,115 Your dog stole a very important Gestapo sausage. 82 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:21,397 - Where is it? - Well, er... 83 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:26,600 thinking that the doggie might fancy a sausage a bit later for his dinner, 84 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:30,559 - I put it in my refrigerator. - And zat is where we found it. 85 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:32,551 - You have it? - Yes, it is outside. 86 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,074 Then bring it in here. 87 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,796 Bring it in here! 88 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,516 Open it. 89 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:55,677 There is nothing there but a plate of minced meat. 90 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:58,399 Gruber, have you been mincing? 91 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,795 The little doggie is very particular, 92 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:05,314 he will not touch chunky food. 93 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:09,550 But that was a valuable painting in the sausage. 94 00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:13,030 I know. I removed it. It's in the ice compartment. 95 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:22,948 You have ruined one of the world's greatest masterpieces. 96 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:26,476 If I may say so, that was not the masterpiece, 97 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:28,676 - that was the forgery. - The forgery? 98 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:30,557 - The forgery? - The forgery? 99 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,392 So, 100 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:36,189 somebody substituted the forged painting in the Gestapo sausage 101 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:38,748 for the real painting in the Gestapo sausage 102 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:41,070 when the sausage was in the café. 103 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:44,436 Or the Resistance substituted the forged painting 104 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:47,034 for the real painting in the Gestapo sausage 105 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,759 when they stole the sausage. 106 00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:52,115 Or you, Herr Gruber, 107 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:55,715 with your well-known leaning towards art, 108 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:59,395 have substituted the forged painting for the real painting 109 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:02,517 and your dog returned the sausage to your quarters, 110 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:06,479 cleverly mincing the sausage to remove all traces of my little svastika, 111 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,516 which I had placed on the side of it. 112 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:10,591 So that now, I will never know 113 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:16,232 whether it was the original sausage or just any old sausage. 114 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,390 Absolutely correct, Herr Flick. 115 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,631 So, Gruber, the finger points at you. 116 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,594 But why would I tell you that this was a forgery, 117 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,672 knowing full well that it would make you cross? 118 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,599 I could have told you my doggie had eaten it. 119 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,831 I think this man is innocent. 120 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:41,152 What sort of a Gestapo officer are you, saying a man is innocent? 121 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:46,155 But if what he said is true and this is a frozen facsimile, 122 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:50,233 then the real painting must still exist. 123 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:55,872 Which means that it can be found by skilful Gestapo investigations. 124 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:59,350 Hm. That sounds more like the Gestapo. 125 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:01,510 So, 126 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:05,309 the last place at which we know for certain the painting existed 127 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,391 was at René's café. 128 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:09,789 You, Gruber, are friendly with this man. 129 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,553 Well, we get on quite well. 130 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:16,639 See what you can wheedle out of him. 131 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:21,396 If he will not squeal, offer to run a tank through his café. 132 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,916 (Buzzer) 133 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,514 Oh! Oh! 134 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:31,592 Oh, ze flashing knobs. 135 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:34,478 Roger. Roger! 136 00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:37,393 I think we are getting the message. 137 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,436 Oh. 138 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,472 What do we do now? 139 00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:47,951 It is so long ago, you have taken me by surprise. 140 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:51,918 - Oh! - I say, 141 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,434 is someone going to answer that damn thing? 142 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:57,398 - I was fast asleep. - It could be London. 143 00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,358 It may be for us. Come on, take the other end. 144 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,874 Oh. Oh. 145 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:07,190 Aah! 146 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:10,989 Leave it alone. Leave it alone. 147 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,435 I have not touched anything. 148 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,749 - How does the damn thing work? - Loudspeaker's in the jerry. 149 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:22,751 (Static) 150 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:27,199 "Allo Nighthawk. 'Allo Nighthawk. 151 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:30,875 'Are you receiving me? Are you receiving me? Over.' 152 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:34,555 - What's he saying? - I've no idea. It's all in French. 153 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,995 Let me get hold of it. 154 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:41,072 I know how to make it work. 155 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,355 I'm glad one of us does. 156 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:51,513 'Allo, 'allo. This is Nighthawk's mother-in-law. 157 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:55,873 Pass your message. Over. 158 00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,791 "Allo, 'allo. 159 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:03,671 'Captain 'ook is waiting for Peter Pan in Never-Never Land. 160 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:05,637 'Over.' 161 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:09,235 I think we have the children's programme. 162 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:13,359 No, no, Fanny. It is in code. 163 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:15,635 - Code? - I shall decipher. 164 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:18,637 Er, it, er... 165 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:21,951 The print is so small, I cannot read. 166 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:25,669 - "Allo Nighthawk's mother-in-law.' - 'Allo. 167 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:27,955 "Allo, nighthawk's mother-in-law. 168 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,110 'Are you reading me? Over.' 169 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:34,273 Er, no, no, the print is too small. 170 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:38,113 Please send a bigger book. 171 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:41,516 Over and out. 172 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,596 - René. - Huh? 173 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:51,196 These mussels, they're not good. Is your wife using a new spice? 174 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:53,555 Such as hair tonic? 175 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:56,598 They come from the usual harbour, dear Colonel. 176 00:10:56,680 --> 00:11:00,958 I think one of your submarines is leaking a little diesel oil. 177 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,679 Due to the fact that the RAF blew it up. 178 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,553 All the RAF has been shot down. 179 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:11,553 Goebbels said so on the wireless. So it must be true. 180 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:15,189 Mind you, he said Eva Braun was 29. 181 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,999 If you believe that, you believe anything. 182 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,753 - Somebody may be listening. - Oh, I'm sorry. 183 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:25,510 Colonel, Colonel, I have a slight problem. 184 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:29,149 The money you promised to ambush, the owner wants it back. 185 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,231 Well, hard chicken. 186 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:34,437 That was the bargain. I was to get the money for the painting, 187 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,238 give the painting to you 188 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:39,357 and you were to ambush the communists and get the money. 189 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:44,150 We did not get the painting. Gruber's dog got the painting. 190 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,435 It could be in any number of places. 191 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:49,353 Especially if the doggie ate it. 192 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:55,276 Anyway, the matter is closed, so far as we're concerned. 193 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:58,238 Which brings us to the main reason for our visit. 194 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,471 - Girls. - Ah, yes. The girls. 195 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:08,153 We have for you, René, 12 litres of paraffin, 196 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,595 four kilos of sugar 197 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:14,036 and one kilo of butter. 198 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:15,872 Oh, thank you, Colonel. 199 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:19,748 That should cover the flying helmet and the wet celery. 200 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,112 Whoo-hoo-ho. 201 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,839 What if we chuck in 500 cigarettes? 202 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:30,436 For 500 cigarettes, I would throw in a fully-wound cuckoo clock. 203 00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,351 That does not sound much fun. 204 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,908 You wait until it strikes 12. 205 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,792 - (Both) Done. - I will arrange it. 206 00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:41,472 - René. - What? 207 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:44,393 Are they going to give us the money for M Alfonse? 208 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:46,596 No, not an 'ope. 209 00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:50,195 - Then Yvette has a plan. - Good. In the back room. 210 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,474 Yvette, in the back room. 211 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:57,393 Maria, tell M Leclerc to join us in the back room 212 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,153 - as soon as he has finished his solo. - Right. 213 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,556 Yvette, sit down. 214 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,759 Now, tell René of your plan. 215 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:09,558 M Leclerc, the forger, 216 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,279 has been secretly slipping away to the cellar. 217 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:15,511 I have spied on 'im. He is forging money. 218 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,160 We could give to M Alfonse forged money. 219 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:21,232 Edith, Leclerc is not a good forger. 220 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:24,710 But I know M Alfonse. He will not even look at the money. 221 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:27,075 He will put it straight back in his mattress. 222 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:31,153 - He is dead stingy. - It is deceitful and underhand. 223 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,515 It is a good plan. 224 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:37,831 How do we persuade M Leclerc to reveal to us 225 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:40,070 where he has hidden his secret hoard? 226 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:43,197 (Knocking) M Leclerc's here. 227 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,077 Leave this to me. 228 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,509 Ah, you wish to see me. 229 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:51,831 M Leclerc, I do not wish to spread panic 230 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:53,876 but the café is on fire. 231 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,713 Oh, well, I shall go and... 232 00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:00,349 Fire! Fire! My God, my savings. 233 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,755 My life's savings. 234 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,752 Eh, h-huh, my money! Eh! 235 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,949 My money. My money. 236 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:21,757 Ah, Officer Crabtree. Can I get you a Cognac? 237 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:25,355 No, I am not alood to drunk when I am on dirty. 238 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:31,153 I am amazed that no one has penetrated your disguise. 239 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,196 I have been licky 240 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:37,273 but I have had some narrow squawks. 241 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,920 I wish to spook with René. 242 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,355 Kill him and get me a ciffee. 243 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,391 René. 244 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,910 (lnaudible) 245 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,958 - Good moaning. - Ah, Officer. 246 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:56,589 How kind of you to patronise my humble café. 247 00:14:56,680 --> 00:15:00,468 What are you doing here, you nit? You'll get us all nicked. 248 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:02,994 Michelle has a massage for you. 249 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:07,153 Sat here and she will jin you at this toble. 250 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,915 Ah, I must be aboot my bossness. 251 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:14,117 A poloceman's lit is not a hippy win. 252 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,394 And he is supposed to be on our side. 253 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:31,116 Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once. 254 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:36,274 Captain 'ook is waiting for Peter Pan in Never-Never Land. 255 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:39,591 There would be very little point in your saying that twice. 256 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,875 I've no idea what it means. 257 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:46,033 How will you ever help us if you do not learn your code book? 258 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:50,272 It means the plan of escape for the British airmen 259 00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:52,590 has been approved by London. 260 00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:55,114 Good. What plan? 261 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:59,159 To escape in ze aeroplane from ze museum. 262 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:03,074 Surely you are not going ahead with that harebrained scheme? 263 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,833 It hasn't even got an engine. 264 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:08,354 We have stolen from General von Klinkerhoffen 265 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,396 ze engine of his motor mower. 266 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,948 Michelle, he will do his nut. 267 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,918 You are going to hide it for us. 268 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,036 Where is it? 269 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,950 Switch it off! 270 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,556 We will leave it 'ere. 271 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:31,475 No one will suspect. It is your mother-in-law's Bath chair. 272 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,834 (Horn) 273 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:38,434 More of ze cursed enemy approach. 274 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:40,954 Come, Lisette, we will melt away. 275 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:45,799 (Horn) 276 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,189 (Dog barking) 277 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,511 Good morning, René. 278 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:56,115 I, erm, I was just out for a little spin 279 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,191 and I thought I would drop by. 280 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,589 Oh, good. 281 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,513 How pretty your tank is looking today. 282 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,591 I just gave it a polish. 283 00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:10,237 Now, I have a little fancy for something from ze bar. 284 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,197 Ah, Maria or Yvette? 285 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,798 - A Cognac. - Of course. 286 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:18,836 Will you come this way? 287 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:24,310 Maria, a Cognac for Lieutenant Gruber. 288 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,356 Of course. 289 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,716 Good morning, Lieutenant Gruber. 290 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,870 Good morning. 291 00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:40,590 Shoo! Shoo! 292 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:42,636 Now, René... 293 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:47,076 I wish to speak to you man to man. 294 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,514 Is this good news or bad news? 295 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:54,751 - I have a problem. - I can imagine. 296 00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,070 I am in hot water with the Gestapo. 297 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,549 That can be very uncomfortable. 298 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,438 Herr Flick believes that you know the whereabouts 299 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:05,876 of the sausage with the real painting of the Fallen Madonna. 300 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,871 - With The Big... - Correct. 301 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,916 He has given me the task 302 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,834 of trying to wring this information out of you. 303 00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,309 If you do not cooperate, 304 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:19,073 I have been ordered... 305 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,355 I have been ordered to... 306 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,311 I cannot say it. 307 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:27,949 Go on, Lieutenant, say it. What have you been ordered to do? 308 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,998 Drive my little tank from where it is parked 309 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,071 into your garden at the back. 310 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,879 Well, what is so terrible about that? 311 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,269 In a straight line. 312 00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,999 - Through your café. - I see. 313 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:45,198 Lieutenant, what I am about to say to you is in the strictest confidence. 314 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:47,236 Just between you and me. 315 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:50,596 René, I am your friend. 316 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,150 Yes, well, erm... 317 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,196 There is another sausage 318 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:58,953 containing the original painting, the real one. 319 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,917 It is bricked up in my cellar. 320 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,309 It belongs to the Colonel and the Captain. 321 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:07,313 Then all you have to do is unbrick it and give it to me. 322 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,516 But that would drop me right in it. 323 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,556 The Colonel will have me shot. 324 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:14,996 I will take you to my quarters and hide you. 325 00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:22,511 Yes, that... that is a good plan for starters. 326 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:25,910 Let us see if we can think of another one. 327 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,468 - I have it. - I thought you might. 328 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:33,156 How about substituting another forgery in another sausage? 329 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,470 But we have not got another forgery. 330 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:38,279 These days, it is hard enough to get the sausage. 331 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:42,319 I think I could provide a copy, if I could see the original. 332 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:44,391 Are you an artist? 333 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,153 Well, I have leanings, you know. 334 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,829 And not a little talent. 335 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:55,038 Before I was a window dresser, I was employed in an art gallery. 336 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:58,715 Occasionally I was allowed to touch up old masters. 337 00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:05,511 Well, one has to start somewhere. 338 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:08,160 Let us go down to your cellar and examine it. 339 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:11,949 No, no, I will retrieve the painting and have it delivered. 340 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:13,996 Bring it yourself. 341 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:17,277 Come at the dead of night to the side door. 342 00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:19,316 Knock four times. 343 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,198 A little trap will open in the door. 344 00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,748 Ask for Véronique. 345 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,430 This is your code name? 346 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,080 No, it is a maid who works at the chateau. 347 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,196 She will show you to my quarters. 348 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,510 Sorry. 349 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,189 (Sighs) 350 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,350 Why do you sigh, Maria? 351 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:45,115 It is the life we lead, Yvette. It is terrible. 352 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,590 Climbing those stairs time after time to entertain men. 353 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:52,559 - It is not right. - Oh, I agree with you. 354 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,473 We should have a room on the ground floor. 355 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,716 - Hello. - Oh, Captain. 356 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,870 I have with me the goodies. 357 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,833 - The paraffin is outside. - (Horn toots) 358 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:08,071 Oh, that is the Colonel. He is in a bad mood. 359 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:12,358 We tossed to see who should bring these to you and I won. 360 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,557 Now, who is to get this little bottle of perfume? 361 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:19,394 - (Both) Oh, me, me, me. - Ah, toot, toot, toot, toot. 362 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,391 Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, 363 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,675 catch a French girl by her toe. 364 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,832 If she hollers, who's to know? Out goes you. 365 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,388 - It is yours. - Thank you. 366 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,836 Oh, Maria. We will share. 367 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:34,990 We will both wear it tonight. 368 00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:37,913 - (Horn toots) - Coming, Colonel. 369 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,753 Now, how about a little cuddle on account? 370 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,398 - Oh. - Mm. 371 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,870 Eh-heh! Oh! 372 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:50,078 I hope you're not being nice to me just because I'm a conquering hero? 373 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,718 Oh, what are you making? 374 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:55,758 The speciality of the day - frog's leg soup. 375 00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:58,400 Ooh. It looks delicious. 376 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,869 Save a portion for me for tonight. 377 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:05,397 All those legs, they remind me of the Folies Bergère. 378 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:09,109 Tonight, we will remind you of the Folies Bergère. 379 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:10,997 - Woh-ho! - (Horn toots) 380 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:14,072 - Coming, Colonel! - Captain Geering? 381 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,594 Did you remember the battery for my cycle lamp? 382 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:18,716 - Oh, yes, yes. I have it here. - Oh! 383 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:21,553 - There we are. - You beautiful man. (Screeches) 384 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,757 Oh, don't tickle. No, no, no, you mustn't tickle. 385 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,074 - You sent for me, Herr Flick? - Yes, Helga. 386 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,594 You are three minutes late. 387 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,274 My duties with the Colonel end at 5:30. 388 00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:46,636 I have to tidy the office and then have a schnapps with him. 389 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,598 I hope that you did not enjoy it. 390 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:51,636 Not at all. 391 00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:53,756 Good. You may kiss me. 392 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:01,030 Stop! 393 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:03,588 Also, you had a cheese biscuit. 394 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,594 The Colonel always insists that with my drink, 395 00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:09,636 I also have a little nibble. 396 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,956 Now pay attention. 397 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:17,191 I will shortly be inviting you to the Gestapo club. 398 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:19,191 - Are you pleased? - Of course. 399 00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:22,670 To be in the club with the Gestapo will be a great honour. 400 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:24,637 I know. 401 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:28,793 You will be my partner at the annual Gestapo dance in Berlin. 402 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:32,190 First, there is a banquet with the traditional boar's head, 403 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:37,638 baron of beef, frankfurters, strudel, sauerkraut and oodles of beer. 404 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:43,431 And the place will be full of big noises, including Goering and Himmler. 405 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:45,829 I can't wait. 406 00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:50,710 At midnight, you will be expected to dance the traditional Gestapo dance. 407 00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:54,236 - How does it go, Herr Flick? - I will demonstrate. 408 00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,838 (# Deutschland Über Alles changes to Hokey Cokey) 409 00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:03,833 ♪ You put your left boot in You take your left boot out 410 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:07,310 ♪ You do a lot of shouting And you shake your fists about 411 00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:11,029 ♪ You light a little smokey And you burn down ze town 412 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,680 ♪ Zat's what it's all about 413 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:17,116 ♪ Heil Ah, Himmler, Himmler, Himmler... ♪ 414 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,350 - (Phone) - Switch that off. 415 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:23,512 (Scratch) 416 00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:26,676 Yes, Gruber. 417 00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:29,194 Yes. Carry on, Gruber. 418 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:35,152 Gruber has a good lead and hopes to track down the painting. 419 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,435 This is good news. 420 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:42,799 What do you want, von Smallhausen? 421 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:45,314 I have to report a serious case of sabotage 422 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:48,073 to the lawn mower of General von Klinkerhoffen. 423 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:50,196 Ze engine has disappeared. 424 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:53,113 This is very mysterious. 425 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,919 Who would require the engine of a lawn mower? 426 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,276 Possibly, Herr Flick, someone who possesses a lawn mower 427 00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:01,590 without an engine. 428 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:06,117 You will not be a smartarse with me, von Smallhausen. 429 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:10,159 What shall we do about General von Klinkerhoffen's lawn? 430 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,470 It will be untidy. 431 00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:15,996 Get some peasants to eat the grass. 432 00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:19,998 Of course, Herr Flick. At once. 433 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,993 Now, you are quite clear what you must do? 434 00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:28,231 Yes, Rrrené, I go to the side door of the chateau, 435 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:31,153 I rrrap four times on the door, a trap will open 436 00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:34,710 and I request to be taken into the presence of Véronique. 437 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:39,316 No. Véronique will take you to Lieutenant Gruber. 438 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,392 - Then what do you do? - Give him the sausage. 439 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:44,869 - Good. Where is it? - Here. 440 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:49,032 Good, nobody will suspect. Go now. 441 00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:50,678 - Rrrené. - What? 442 00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:52,830 - Embrrrace me. - Of course. 443 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:54,831 (Both) Mm. 444 00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,354 - Hold me tighter. - No, no, I must not. 445 00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,908 I might crush your knockwurst. 446 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:01,956 Off you go. 447 00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,190 Rrrené, after we are married, 448 00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:07,477 we will look back on all this and laugh, will we not? 449 00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:10,757 Oh, Maria, we will have hysterics. Now be off with you. 450 00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:17,558 - René. - Hm? 451 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:21,076 Your wife wishes to see you in the back room. She is alone. 452 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:25,438 René, are you going to tell her zat you are going to marry me? 453 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:30,071 Yvette, not at a time like this. We are just about to open. 454 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:32,958 But René, she keeps giving me funny looks. 455 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:36,635 Perhaps she suspects there is something up between us. 456 00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:39,393 - Yvette. - Where is... 457 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:42,836 What are you doing? 458 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,878 The poor child, have you not heard? 459 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:48,793 - Her grandmother has died. - (Sobbing) 460 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:51,758 She died three years ago. 461 00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:54,871 The shock has just hit her. 462 00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:59,794 Take ten minutes off, dear girl. Compose yourself. 463 00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:02,440 - Light a candle. - Thank you, René. 464 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:06,399 - Yes. - Oh, René, always so compassionate. 465 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:09,670 I thought you were waiting for me. 466 00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:13,036 I was. I was looking at the photograph of our wedding 467 00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:15,031 and it brought it all back to me. 468 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:19,398 You were tall and handsome. I was young and beautiful. 469 00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:26,189 Yes, it is amazing what those photographers can do. 470 00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:29,909 René, we should have a wedding without delay. 471 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:31,911 The village expect one. 472 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,309 The Germans expect one. 473 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,676 You are not expecting one, are you? 474 00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:40,069 Madame, 475 00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:43,470 M Alfonse, the undertaker, is coming down the road 476 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:45,516 in his horse-drawn hearse. 477 00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,273 (Hooves clattering, muffled shouts) 478 00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:53,280 He is having trouble with his brakes again. 479 00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:55,316 He will be coming for his money. 480 00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:57,675 Attend to him at once. 481 00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:01,911 René, you will get my money back from him 482 00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,036 and give it to me, like you promised? 483 00:28:04,120 --> 00:28:06,475 Of course. My wife will go into his rooms 484 00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:09,279 and do what is necessary with the mattress. 485 00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:11,476 (Laughs suggestively) 486 00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:13,630 Long live France. 487 00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:17,315 Indeed. As you say, M Leclerc, long live France. 488 00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:20,631 Ah, what a tale we shall have to tell our children. 489 00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:24,952 Children? Oh, Madame Edith. 490 00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:29,511 She has not got one of these in there, has she? 491 00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:30,953 Shut up. 492 00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:35,348 You are combing your hair very nicely, Hans. 493 00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:39,433 Thank you, Colonel. I see you have polished your head. 494 00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:43,715 We have to look our best for the girls. 495 00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:45,756 Ooh, Colonel... (Chuckles) 496 00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:48,877 I know what they are going to do with the cuckoo clock. 497 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:51,554 - What? - Charge for an extra bird. 498 00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:55,235 Ah, good evening, Colonel. Good evening, Captain. 499 00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:58,676 - Hello. - How handsome you both look. 500 00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:00,159 (Hooves clattering) 501 00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:02,515 I must welcome M Alfonse. 502 00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:04,511 (Muffled shouting) 503 00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:10,273 Maybe next time round the horses will grow tired. 504 00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:14,990 Meanwhile, I will take this opportunity to sing for you a song entitled 505 00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,072 I Looked Everywhere For Love And Found lt... 506 00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:20,469 - Under The Table. ...ln My Heart. 507 00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:23,233 M Leclerc, the introduction, if you please. 508 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,231 - Cheese, Hans. - Yes. 509 00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:28,630 - (# Piano intro) - (Crashing outside) 510 00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:30,676 (Man shouting) 511 00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:36,517 M Alfonse! 512 00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:39,114 I hope you will excuse the delay, Madame. 513 00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:43,193 It is my new horse, he is not used to the hearse. 514 00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:46,590 - I was about to sing a song. - Oh, well I am just in time. 515 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:48,955 Sit down, please. 516 00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:53,874 Oh, you look enchanting, Madame. 517 00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:57,669 The glint in your hair, the dancing lights in your eyes, 518 00:29:57,760 --> 00:30:01,639 the inviting gloss on your sensuous lips, your heady perfume. 519 00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:03,551 Where is the money? 520 00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:08,555 René. The little parcel for M Alfonse. 521 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,870 Ah, yes, yes. Here it is. 522 00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:14,948 Here we are, monsieur. The small amount of money 523 00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:18,077 that you left with me for safekeeping. 524 00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:41,831 Merci, monsieur, thank you. 525 00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:44,150 You'll want to take it home straightaway 526 00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:47,357 and put it in a secret hiding place known only to you and me. 527 00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:50,796 Of course. But first, I wish to say how relieved I am 528 00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:53,394 at having recovered my nest egg. 529 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:58,679 It puts me in a generous and expensive mood. 530 00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:02,355 I would like to invite you all, each one of you, 531 00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:06,479 to take wine, champagne, Cognac, anything you desire. 532 00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:11,759 Monsieur Alfonse, undertaker, swiftly and with style, 533 00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:13,796 will pay ze bill. 534 00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:16,713 - With that money? - Of course. 535 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:18,995 Monsieur, you are far too generous. 536 00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:21,640 You must not spend all this money. 537 00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:24,359 Not in here, anyway. 538 00:31:24,440 --> 00:31:26,954 Come along, René, don't be a wet blanket. 539 00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:30,794 If he wants to buy us all free drinks, let's have a party! 540 00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:32,871 - Free drinks! - You don't under... 541 00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:35,155 No, no, please, please... 542 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:38,915 Do not go mad. Small measures, small measures. 543 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:42,788 For Madame Fanny, the beautiful mother of Madame Edith, 544 00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:45,440 5,000 francs to buy a new bonnet. 545 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:47,670 - Oh. - A new bonnet for Mama? 546 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:50,558 - No, monsieur is too generous. - No, no, Roger! 547 00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:54,553 Quickly to the milliners before they close. 548 00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:58,997 - Monsieur René. - What? 549 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:02,914 This is for your front door which I slightly damaged 550 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,389 by being thrown through it by my horse. 551 00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:09,917 And this is for your chickens which I ran over with my hearse. 552 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:12,150 Thank you, monsieur. 553 00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:15,038 The ringing of your till must be music to your ears. 554 00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:16,838 Music, yes. 555 00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:19,480 I could strangle the composer. 556 00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:21,118 - René. - What? 557 00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:24,476 If my mother spends that forged note in the hat shop, 558 00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:26,278 our cover will be blown. 559 00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:29,158 Well, then, stop her. Where is she? 560 00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:32,198 M Leclerc's taking her there in the wheelchair. 561 00:32:32,280 --> 00:32:33,952 The wheelchair? 562 00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:35,996 Oh, no, not the wheelchair! 563 00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:38,640 What is it? Have you got the brake on? 564 00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:41,871 - No, Fanny. - Well, push harder. 565 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:44,190 The shop will close soon. 566 00:32:59,840 --> 00:33:02,593 M-Monsieur Leclerc, come back here! C... 567 00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:07,078 Fanny, my love, what shall I do, what shall I do? 568 00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:09,515 Turn right at the traffic lights, 569 00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:11,795 take the second on the left. 570 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:13,472 Oh-oh-oh!