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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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Madame Peyet is in the family way.

2
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She is pleased.

3
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Her husband is not.

4
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He has been in the nick for two years.

5
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Rumour has it that the father
is Maurice Gazier,

6
00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:52,078
whose mistress is Madame Coisette,
the milliner,

7
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:56,597
whose brother was ADC to General
Claude Cavillon, the hero of Ypres,

8
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which is where he obtained
his wooden leg,

9
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which he keeps on the mantelpiece.

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You have not met any of these people
and nor are you likely to

11
00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,879
but I thought I'd fill you in
on a little local gossip

12
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because my affairs are so complicated,
I would not know where to begin.

13
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Rrrené, I have a message
from the Rrresistance.

14
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- The communists or our lot?
- Our Rrresistance.

15
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The Alsatian has rrreturned
to Lieutenant Grrruber

16
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with the sausage which he rrretrrrieved.

17
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Thank you, Maria.

18
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Thank God he was not a Rottweiler.

19
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The sausage is the one
containing the forged painting

20
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of the Fallen Madonna
With The Big, erm...

21
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which the communists stole
from my kitchen

22
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and then demanded a ransom
of 800,000 francs.

23
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- (Footsteps)
- René.

24
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I just met M Alfonse,
the undertaker, in the square.

25
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He is wanting the return of his money.

26
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I told him you were dealing with it.

27
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So is has gone home quite happy.

28
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Thank you, Edith.

29
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This is the money that he lent us
to pay the ransom

30
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on the understanding
that the German colonel

31
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would organise an ambush
to snatch it back.

32
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This he failed to do
so the communists still have the money.

33
00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:16,433
(Sighs) How do you tell an ageing
old undertaker with a weak heart

34
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that his entire life savings
have gone, hm?

35
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By telephone.

36
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Nouvion 302, please.

37
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,676
Oh. Ah, you are on duty again,
Antoinette.

38
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Are you still listening in
on everybody's phone calls?

39
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Madame who? What, the milliner?

40
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Another one?

41
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Well, how does she find time
to make the hats?

42
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This is where I get it all from.

43
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'Allo, M Alfonse, how are you?

44
00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,794
It's René from the c... No...

45
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,235
N-now, are you sitting down?

46
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Oh, you are laying out.

47
00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:59,791
Embalming? Oh.

48
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,189
Can you do that with one hand?

49
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,475
Is it, er, anybody we know?

50
00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:12,120
Oh, yes. Well, he was not looking well.

51
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:15,510
I have some news for you,
the sausage has been returned.

52
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It went like clockwork.

53
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The money? Well, it is safe.

54
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,151
Well, no, not exactly here, no.

55
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,869
You will have to wait a few days
before you can have it back.

56
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:32,633
No, M Alfonse,
the Resistance do not pay interest.

57
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,795
Herr Flick, I have something to report.

58
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,189
Helga, how did you get in here?

59
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I used the key that you
personally gave to me.

60
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You do not use that key
during working hours.

61
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That is only for emergencies

62
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and for secret assignments
previously made and approved

63
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for private canoodles.

64
00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,397
Sorry, Herr Flick.

65
00:03:57,480 --> 00:03:59,675
Conceal it upon your person.

66
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That is not easy, Herr Flick.

67
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:04,349
You will think of something.

68
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What is your report?

69
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I have to report that
Lieutenant Gruber has returned

70
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and has been apprehended
by your agent, von Smallhausen,

71
00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:22,672
who is here now.

72
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Tell him to come in here.

73
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Come in here!

74
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- Report.
- Following your instructions,

75
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I apprehended Lieutenant Gruber.

76
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He was in the act of doing his exercises
by performing press-ups on the carpet.

77
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- Did he put up a struggle?
- No, we took him by surprise.

78
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- He is outside.
- Bring him in here.

79
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Bring him in here!

80
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You sent for me?

81
00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:18,115
Your dog stole a very important
Gestapo sausage.

82
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- Where is it?
- Well, er...

83
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:26,600
thinking that the doggie might fancy
a sausage a bit later for his dinner,

84
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- I put it in my refrigerator.
- And zat is where we found it.

85
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- You have it?
- Yes, it is outside.

86
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Then bring it in here.

87
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Bring it in here!

88
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Open it.

89
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There is nothing there
but a plate of minced meat.

90
00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:58,399
Gruber, have you been mincing?

91
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,795
The little doggie is very particular,

92
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he will not touch chunky food.

93
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But that was a valuable painting
in the sausage.

94
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I know. I removed it.
It's in the ice compartment.

95
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:22,948
You have ruined one of the world's
greatest masterpieces.

96
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:26,476
If I may say so,
that was not the masterpiece,

97
00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:28,676
- that was the forgery.
- The forgery?

98
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:30,557
- The forgery?
- The forgery?

99
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,392
So,

100
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somebody substituted the forged
painting in the Gestapo sausage

101
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for the real painting
in the Gestapo sausage

102
00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:41,070
when the sausage was in the café.

103
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:44,436
Or the Resistance
substituted the forged painting

104
00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:47,034
for the real painting
in the Gestapo sausage

105
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,759
when they stole the sausage.

106
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:52,115
Or you, Herr Gruber,

107
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with your well-known
leaning towards art,

108
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have substituted the forged painting
for the real painting

109
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and your dog
returned the sausage to your quarters,

110
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cleverly mincing the sausage
to remove all traces of my little svastika,

111
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which I had placed on the side of it.

112
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So that now, I will never know

113
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whether it was the original sausage
or just any old sausage.

114
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Absolutely correct, Herr Flick.

115
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So, Gruber, the finger points at you.

116
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,594
But why would I tell you
that this was a forgery,

117
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knowing full well
that it would make you cross?

118
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,599
I could have told you
my doggie had eaten it.

119
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,831
I think this man is innocent.

120
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What sort of a Gestapo officer are you,
saying a man is innocent?

121
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:46,155
But if what he said is true
and this is a frozen facsimile,

122
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then the real painting must still exist.

123
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:55,872
Which means that it can be found
by skilful Gestapo investigations.

124
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Hm. That sounds more like the Gestapo.

125
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So,

126
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the last place at which we know
for certain the painting existed

127
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was at René's café.

128
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:09,789
You, Gruber, are friendly with this man.

129
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,553
Well, we get on quite well.

130
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:16,639
See what you can wheedle out of him.

131
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If he will not squeal,
offer to run a tank through his café.

132
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(Buzzer)

133
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Oh! Oh!

134
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Oh, ze flashing knobs.

135
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Roger. Roger!

136
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I think we are getting the message.

137
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Oh.

138
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What do we do now?

139
00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:47,951
It is so long ago,
you have taken me by surprise.

140
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:51,918
- Oh!
- I say,

141
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,434
is someone going to answer
that damn thing?

142
00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:57,398
- I was fast asleep.
- It could be London.

143
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It may be for us.
Come on, take the other end.

144
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,874
Oh. Oh.

145
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:07,190
Aah!

146
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:10,989
Leave it alone. Leave it alone.

147
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I have not touched anything.

148
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,749
- How does the damn thing work?
- Loudspeaker's in the jerry.

149
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(Static)

150
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:27,199
"Allo Nighthawk. 'Allo Nighthawk.

151
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:30,875
'Are you receiving me?
Are you receiving me? Over.'

152
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:34,555
- What's he saying?
- I've no idea. It's all in French.

153
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,995
Let me get hold of it.

154
00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:41,072
I know how to make it work.

155
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I'm glad one of us does.

156
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:51,513
'Allo, 'allo.
This is Nighthawk's mother-in-law.

157
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Pass your message. Over.

158
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,791
"Allo, 'allo.

159
00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:03,671
'Captain 'ook is waiting for Peter Pan
in Never-Never Land.

160
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'Over.'

161
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:09,235
I think we have
the children's programme.

162
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:13,359
No, no, Fanny. It is in code.

163
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:15,635
- Code?
- I shall decipher.

164
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:18,637
Er, it, er...

165
00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:21,951
The print is so small, I cannot read.

166
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:25,669
- "Allo Nighthawk's mother-in-law.'
- 'Allo.

167
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:27,955
"Allo, nighthawk's mother-in-law.

168
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,110
'Are you reading me? Over.'

169
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:34,273
Er, no, no, the print is too small.

170
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:38,113
Please send a bigger book.

171
00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:41,516
Over and out.

172
00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,596
- René.
- Huh?

173
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:51,196
These mussels, they're not good.
Is your wife using a new spice?

174
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:53,555
Such as hair tonic?

175
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:56,598
They come from the usual harbour,
dear Colonel.

176
00:10:56,680 --> 00:11:00,958
I think one of your submarines
is leaking a little diesel oil.

177
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,679
Due to the fact that the RAF blew it up.

178
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,553
All the RAF has been shot down.

179
00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:11,553
Goebbels said so on the wireless.
So it must be true.

180
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:15,189
Mind you, he said Eva Braun was 29.

181
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,999
If you believe that, you believe anything.

182
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,753
- Somebody may be listening.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

183
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:25,510
Colonel, Colonel, I have a slight problem.

184
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:29,149
The money you promised to ambush,
the owner wants it back.

185
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,231
Well, hard chicken.

186
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:34,437
That was the bargain.
I was to get the money for the painting,

187
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,238
give the painting to you

188
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:39,357
and you were to ambush
the communists and get the money.

189
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:44,150
We did not get the painting.
Gruber's dog got the painting.

190
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,435
It could be in any number of places.

191
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:49,353
Especially if the doggie ate it.

192
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:55,276
Anyway, the matter is closed,
so far as we're concerned.

193
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:58,238
Which brings us
to the main reason for our visit.

194
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,471
- Girls.
- Ah, yes. The girls.

195
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:08,153
We have for you, René,
12 litres of paraffin,

196
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,595
four kilos of sugar

197
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:14,036
and one kilo of butter.

198
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:15,872
Oh, thank you, Colonel.

199
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:19,748
That should cover the flying helmet
and the wet celery.

200
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,112
Whoo-hoo-ho.

201
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,839
What if we chuck in 500 cigarettes?

202
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:30,436
For 500 cigarettes, I would throw in
a fully-wound cuckoo clock.

203
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,351
That does not sound much fun.

204
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,908
You wait until it strikes 12.

205
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,792
- (Both) Done.
- I will arrange it.

206
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:41,472
- René.
- What?

207
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:44,393
Are they going to give us
the money for M Alfonse?

208
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:46,596
No, not an 'ope.

209
00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:50,195
- Then Yvette has a plan.
- Good. In the back room.

210
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,474
Yvette, in the back room.

211
00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:57,393
Maria, tell M Leclerc
to join us in the back room

212
00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,153
- as soon as he has finished his solo.
- Right.

213
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,556
Yvette, sit down.

214
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,759
Now, tell René of your plan.

215
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:09,558
M Leclerc, the forger,

216
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,279
has been secretly slipping away
to the cellar.

217
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:15,511
I have spied on 'im. He is forging money.

218
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,160
We could give to M Alfonse
forged money.

219
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:21,232
Edith, Leclerc is not a good forger.

220
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:24,710
But I know M Alfonse.
He will not even look at the money.

221
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:27,075
He will put it straight back
in his mattress.

222
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:31,153
- He is dead stingy.
- It is deceitful and underhand.

223
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,515
It is a good plan.

224
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:37,831
How do we persuade M Leclerc
to reveal to us

225
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:40,070
where he has hidden his secret hoard?

226
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:43,197
(Knocking) M Leclerc's here.

227
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,077
Leave this to me.

228
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,509
Ah, you wish to see me.

229
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:51,831
M Leclerc, I do not wish to spread panic

230
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:53,876
but the café is on fire.

231
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,713
Oh, well, I shall go and...

232
00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:00,349
Fire! Fire! My God, my savings.

233
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,755
My life's savings.

234
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,752
Eh, h-huh, my money! Eh!

235
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,949
My money. My money.

236
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:21,757
Ah, Officer Crabtree.
Can I get you a Cognac?

237
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:25,355
No, I am not alood to drunk
when I am on dirty.

238
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:31,153
I am amazed that no one
has penetrated your disguise.

239
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,196
I have been licky

240
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:37,273
but I have had some narrow squawks.

241
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,920
I wish to spook with René.

242
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,355
Kill him and get me a ciffee.

243
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,391
René.

244
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,910
(lnaudible)

245
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,958
- Good moaning.
- Ah, Officer.

246
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:56,589
How kind of you
to patronise my humble café.

247
00:14:56,680 --> 00:15:00,468
What are you doing here, you nit?
You'll get us all nicked.

248
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:02,994
Michelle has a massage for you.

249
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:07,153
Sat here and she will jin you at this toble.

250
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,915
Ah, I must be aboot my bossness.

251
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:14,117
A poloceman's lit is not a hippy win.

252
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,394
And he is supposed to be on our side.

253
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:31,116
Listen very carefully,
I shall say this only once.

254
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:36,274
Captain 'ook is waiting for Peter Pan
in Never-Never Land.

255
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:39,591
There would be very little point
in your saying that twice.

256
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,875
I've no idea what it means.

257
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:46,033
How will you ever help us
if you do not learn your code book?

258
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:50,272
It means the plan of escape
for the British airmen

259
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:52,590
has been approved by London.

260
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:55,114
Good. What plan?

261
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:59,159
To escape in ze aeroplane
from ze museum.

262
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:03,074
Surely you are not going ahead
with that harebrained scheme?

263
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,833
It hasn't even got an engine.

264
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:08,354
We have stolen from
General von Klinkerhoffen

265
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,396
ze engine of his motor mower.

266
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,948
Michelle, he will do his nut.

267
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,918
You are going to hide it for us.

268
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,036
Where is it?

269
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,950
Switch it off!

270
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,556
We will leave it 'ere.

271
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:31,475
No one will suspect.
It is your mother-in-law's Bath chair.

272
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,834
(Horn)

273
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:38,434
More of ze cursed enemy approach.

274
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:40,954
Come, Lisette, we will melt away.

275
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:45,799
(Horn)

276
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,189
(Dog barking)

277
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,511
Good morning, René.

278
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:56,115
I, erm, I was just out for a little spin

279
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,191
and I thought I would drop by.

280
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,589
Oh, good.

281
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,513
How pretty your tank is looking today.

282
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,591
I just gave it a polish.

283
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:10,237
Now, I have a little fancy
for something from ze bar.

284
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,197
Ah, Maria or Yvette?

285
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,798
- A Cognac.
- Of course.

286
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:18,836
Will you come this way?

287
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:24,310
Maria, a Cognac for Lieutenant Gruber.

288
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,356
Of course.

289
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,716
Good morning, Lieutenant Gruber.

290
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,870
Good morning.

291
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:40,590
Shoo! Shoo!

292
00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:42,636
Now, René...

293
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:47,076
I wish to speak to you man to man.

294
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,514
Is this good news or bad news?

295
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:54,751
- I have a problem.
- I can imagine.

296
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,070
I am in hot water with the Gestapo.

297
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,549
That can be very uncomfortable.

298
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,438
Herr Flick believes
that you know the whereabouts

299
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:05,876
of the sausage with the real painting
of the Fallen Madonna.

300
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,871
- With The Big...
- Correct.

301
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,916
He has given me the task

302
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,834
of trying to wring
this information out of you.

303
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,309
If you do not cooperate,

304
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:19,073
I have been ordered...

305
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,355
I have been ordered to...

306
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,311
I cannot say it.

307
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:27,949
Go on, Lieutenant, say it.
What have you been ordered to do?

308
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,998
Drive my little tank
from where it is parked

309
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,071
into your garden at the back.

310
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,879
Well, what is so terrible about that?

311
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,269
In a straight line.

312
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,999
- Through your café.
- I see.

313
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:45,198
Lieutenant, what I am about to say
to you is in the strictest confidence.

314
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:47,236
Just between you and me.

315
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:50,596
René, I am your friend.

316
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,150
Yes, well, erm...

317
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,196
There is another sausage

318
00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:58,953
containing the original painting,
the real one.

319
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,917
It is bricked up in my cellar.

320
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,309
It belongs to the Colonel
and the Captain.

321
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:07,313
Then all you have to do is unbrick it
and give it to me.

322
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,516
But that would drop me right in it.

323
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,556
The Colonel will have me shot.

324
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:14,996
I will take you to my quarters
and hide you.

325
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:22,511
Yes, that... that is a good plan
for starters.

326
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:25,910
Let us see if we can think of another one.

327
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,468
- I have it.
- I thought you might.

328
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:33,156
How about substituting another
forgery in another sausage?

329
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,470
But we have not got another forgery.

330
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:38,279
These days, it is hard enough
to get the sausage.

331
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:42,319
I think I could provide a copy,
if I could see the original.

332
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:44,391
Are you an artist?

333
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,153
Well, I have leanings, you know.

334
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,829
And not a little talent.

335
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:55,038
Before I was a window dresser,
I was employed in an art gallery.

336
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:58,715
Occasionally I was allowed
to touch up old masters.

337
00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:05,511
Well, one has to start somewhere.

338
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:08,160
Let us go down to your cellar
and examine it.

339
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:11,949
No, no, I will retrieve the painting
and have it delivered.

340
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:13,996
Bring it yourself.

341
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:17,277
Come at the dead of night
to the side door.

342
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:19,316
Knock four times.

343
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,198
A little trap will open in the door.

344
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,748
Ask for Véronique.

345
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,430
This is your code name?

346
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,080
No, it is a maid who works
at the chateau.

347
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,196
She will show you to my quarters.

348
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,510
Sorry.

349
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,189
(Sighs)

350
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,350
Why do you sigh, Maria?

351
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:45,115
It is the life we lead, Yvette. It is terrible.

352
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,590
Climbing those stairs
time after time to entertain men.

353
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:52,559
- It is not right.
- Oh, I agree with you.

354
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,473
We should have a room
on the ground floor.

355
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,716
- Hello.
- Oh, Captain.

356
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,870
I have with me the goodies.

357
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,833
- The paraffin is outside.
- (Horn toots)

358
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:08,071
Oh, that is the Colonel.
He is in a bad mood.

359
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:12,358
We tossed to see who should bring
these to you and I won.

360
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,557
Now, who is to get
this little bottle of perfume?

361
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:19,394
- (Both) Oh, me, me, me.
- Ah, toot, toot, toot, toot.

362
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,391
Eeny, meeny, miny, mo,

363
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,675
catch a French girl by her toe.

364
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,832
If she hollers, who's to know?
Out goes you.

365
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,388
- It is yours.
- Thank you.

366
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,836
Oh, Maria. We will share.

367
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:34,990
We will both wear it tonight.

368
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:37,913
- (Horn toots)
- Coming, Colonel.

369
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,753
Now, how about a little cuddle
on account?

370
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,398
- Oh.
- Mm.

371
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,870
Eh-heh! Oh!

372
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:50,078
I hope you're not being nice to me
just because I'm a conquering hero?

373
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,718
Oh, what are you making?

374
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:55,758
The speciality of the day -
frog's leg soup.

375
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:58,400
Ooh. It looks delicious.

376
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,869
Save a portion for me for tonight.

377
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:05,397
All those legs, they remind me
of the Folies Bergère.

378
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:09,109
Tonight, we will remind you
of the Folies Bergère.

379
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:10,997
- Woh-ho!
- (Horn toots)

380
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:14,072
- Coming, Colonel!
- Captain Geering?

381
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,594
Did you remember the battery
for my cycle lamp?

382
00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:18,716
- Oh, yes, yes. I have it here.
- Oh!

383
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:21,553
- There we are.
- You beautiful man. (Screeches)

384
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,757
Oh, don't tickle.
No, no, no, you mustn't tickle.

385
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,074
- You sent for me, Herr Flick?
- Yes, Helga.

386
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,594
You are three minutes late.

387
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,274
My duties with the Colonel end at 5:30.

388
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:46,636
I have to tidy the office
and then have a schnapps with him.

389
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,598
I hope that you did not enjoy it.

390
00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:51,636
Not at all.

391
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:53,756
Good. You may kiss me.

392
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:01,030
Stop!

393
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:03,588
Also, you had a cheese biscuit.

394
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,594
The Colonel always insists
that with my drink,

395
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:09,636
I also have a little nibble.

396
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,956
Now pay attention.

397
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:17,191
I will shortly be inviting you
to the Gestapo club.

398
00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:19,191
- Are you pleased?
- Of course.

399
00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:22,670
To be in the club
with the Gestapo will be a great honour.

400
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:24,637
I know.

401
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:28,793
You will be my partner
at the annual Gestapo dance in Berlin.

402
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:32,190
First, there is a banquet with
the traditional boar's head,

403
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:37,638
baron of beef, frankfurters, strudel,
sauerkraut and oodles of beer.

404
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:43,431
And the place will be full of big noises,
including Goering and Himmler.

405
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:45,829
I can't wait.

406
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:50,710
At midnight, you will be expected to
dance the traditional Gestapo dance.

407
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:54,236
- How does it go, Herr Flick?
- I will demonstrate.

408
00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,838
(# Deutschland Über Alles
changes to Hokey Cokey)

409
00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:03,833
♪ You put your left boot in
You take your left boot out

410
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:07,310
♪ You do a lot of shouting
And you shake your fists about

411
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:11,029
♪ You light a little smokey
And you burn down ze town

412
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,680
♪ Zat's what it's all about

413
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:17,116
♪ Heil
Ah, Himmler, Himmler, Himmler... ♪

414
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,350
- (Phone)
- Switch that off.

415
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:23,512
(Scratch)

416
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:26,676
Yes, Gruber.

417
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:29,194
Yes. Carry on, Gruber.

418
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:35,152
Gruber has a good lead
and hopes to track down the painting.

419
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,435
This is good news.

420
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:42,799
What do you want, von Smallhausen?

421
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:45,314
I have to report
a serious case of sabotage

422
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:48,073
to the lawn mower
of General von Klinkerhoffen.

423
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:50,196
Ze engine has disappeared.

424
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:53,113
This is very mysterious.

425
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,919
Who would require the engine
of a lawn mower?

426
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,276
Possibly, Herr Flick,
someone who possesses a lawn mower

427
00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:01,590
without an engine.

428
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:06,117
You will not be a smartarse with me,
von Smallhausen.

429
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:10,159
What shall we do about
General von Klinkerhoffen's lawn?

430
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,470
It will be untidy.

431
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:15,996
Get some peasants to eat the grass.

432
00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:19,998
Of course, Herr Flick. At once.

433
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,993
Now, you are quite clear
what you must do?

434
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:28,231
Yes, Rrrené, I go to the side door
of the chateau,

435
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:31,153
I rrrap four times on the door,
a trap will open

436
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:34,710
and I request to be taken
into the presence of Véronique.

437
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:39,316
No. Véronique will take you
to Lieutenant Gruber.

438
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,392
- Then what do you do?
- Give him the sausage.

439
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:44,869
- Good. Where is it?
- Here.

440
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:49,032
Good, nobody will suspect. Go now.

441
00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:50,678
- Rrrené.
- What?

442
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:52,830
- Embrrrace me.
- Of course.

443
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:54,831
(Both) Mm.

444
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,354
- Hold me tighter.
- No, no, I must not.

445
00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,908
I might crush your knockwurst.

446
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:01,956
Off you go.

447
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,190
Rrrené, after we are married,

448
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:07,477
we will look back on all this and laugh,
will we not?

449
00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:10,757
Oh, Maria, we will have hysterics.
Now be off with you.

450
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:17,558
- René.
- Hm?

451
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:21,076
Your wife wishes to see you
in the back room. She is alone.

452
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:25,438
René, are you going to tell her
zat you are going to marry me?

453
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:30,071
Yvette, not at a time like this.
We are just about to open.

454
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:32,958
But René, she keeps giving me
funny looks.

455
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:36,635
Perhaps she suspects
there is something up between us.

456
00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:39,393
- Yvette.
- Where is...

457
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:42,836
What are you doing?

458
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,878
The poor child, have you not heard?

459
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:48,793
- Her grandmother has died.
- (Sobbing)

460
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:51,758
She died three years ago.

461
00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:54,871
The shock has just hit her.

462
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:59,794
Take ten minutes off, dear girl.
Compose yourself.

463
00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:02,440
- Light a candle.
- Thank you, René.

464
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:06,399
- Yes.
- Oh, René, always so compassionate.

465
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:09,670
I thought you were waiting for me.

466
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:13,036
I was. I was looking
at the photograph of our wedding

467
00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:15,031
and it brought it all back to me.

468
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:19,398
You were tall and handsome.
I was young and beautiful.

469
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:26,189
Yes, it is amazing what
those photographers can do.

470
00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:29,909
René, we should have
a wedding without delay.

471
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:31,911
The village expect one.

472
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,309
The Germans expect one.

473
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,676
You are not expecting one, are you?

474
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:40,069
Madame,

475
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:43,470
M Alfonse, the undertaker,
is coming down the road

476
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:45,516
in his horse-drawn hearse.

477
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,273
(Hooves clattering, muffled shouts)

478
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:53,280
He is having trouble
with his brakes again.

479
00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:55,316
He will be coming for his money.

480
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:57,675
Attend to him at once.

481
00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:01,911
René, you will get my money
back from him

482
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,036
and give it to me, like you promised?

483
00:28:04,120 --> 00:28:06,475
Of course. My wife will go into his rooms

484
00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:09,279
and do what is necessary
with the mattress.

485
00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:11,476
(Laughs suggestively)

486
00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:13,630
Long live France.

487
00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:17,315
Indeed. As you say, M Leclerc,
long live France.

488
00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:20,631
Ah, what a tale we shall have
to tell our children.

489
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:24,952
Children? Oh, Madame Edith.

490
00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:29,511
She has not got one of these
in there, has she?

491
00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:30,953
Shut up.

492
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:35,348
You are combing your hair
very nicely, Hans.

493
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:39,433
Thank you, Colonel.
I see you have polished your head.

494
00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:43,715
We have to look our best for the girls.

495
00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:45,756
Ooh, Colonel... (Chuckles)

496
00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:48,877
I know what they are going to do
with the cuckoo clock.

497
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:51,554
- What?
- Charge for an extra bird.

498
00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:55,235
Ah, good evening, Colonel.
Good evening, Captain.

499
00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:58,676
- Hello.
- How handsome you both look.

500
00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:00,159
(Hooves clattering)

501
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:02,515
I must welcome M Alfonse.

502
00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:04,511
(Muffled shouting)

503
00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:10,273
Maybe next time round
the horses will grow tired.

504
00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:14,990
Meanwhile, I will take this opportunity
to sing for you a song entitled

505
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,072
I Looked Everywhere For Love
And Found lt...

506
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:20,469
- Under The Table.
...ln My Heart.

507
00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:23,233
M Leclerc, the introduction,
if you please.

508
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,231
- Cheese, Hans.
- Yes.

509
00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:28,630
- (# Piano intro)
- (Crashing outside)

510
00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:30,676
(Man shouting)

511
00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:36,517
M Alfonse!

512
00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:39,114
I hope you will excuse
the delay, Madame.

513
00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:43,193
It is my new horse,
he is not used to the hearse.

514
00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:46,590
- I was about to sing a song.
- Oh, well I am just in time.

515
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:48,955
Sit down, please.

516
00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:53,874
Oh, you look enchanting, Madame.

517
00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:57,669
The glint in your hair,
the dancing lights in your eyes,

518
00:29:57,760 --> 00:30:01,639
the inviting gloss on your sensuous lips,
your heady perfume.

519
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:03,551
Where is the money?

520
00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:08,555
René. The little parcel for M Alfonse.

521
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,870
Ah, yes, yes. Here it is.

522
00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:14,948
Here we are, monsieur.
The small amount of money

523
00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:18,077
that you left with me for safekeeping.

524
00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:41,831
Merci, monsieur, thank you.

525
00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:44,150
You'll want to take it home straightaway

526
00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:47,357
and put it in a secret hiding place
known only to you and me.

527
00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:50,796
Of course. But first,
I wish to say how relieved I am

528
00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:53,394
at having recovered my nest egg.

529
00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:58,679
It puts me in a generous
and expensive mood.

530
00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:02,355
I would like to invite you all,
each one of you,

531
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:06,479
to take wine, champagne, Cognac,
anything you desire.

532
00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:11,759
Monsieur Alfonse, undertaker,
swiftly and with style,

533
00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:13,796
will pay ze bill.

534
00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:16,713
- With that money?
- Of course.

535
00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:18,995
Monsieur, you are far too generous.

536
00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:21,640
You must not spend all this money.

537
00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:24,359
Not in here, anyway.

538
00:31:24,440 --> 00:31:26,954
Come along, René,
don't be a wet blanket.

539
00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:30,794
If he wants to buy us all free drinks,
let's have a party!

540
00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:32,871
- Free drinks!
- You don't under...

541
00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:35,155
No, no, please, please...

542
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:38,915
Do not go mad.
Small measures, small measures.

543
00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:42,788
For Madame Fanny, the beautiful
mother of Madame Edith,

544
00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:45,440
5,000 francs
to buy a new bonnet.

545
00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:47,670
- Oh.
- A new bonnet for Mama?

546
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:50,558
- No, monsieur is too generous.
- No, no, Roger!

547
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:54,553
Quickly to the milliners
before they close.

548
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:58,997
- Monsieur René.
- What?

549
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:02,914
This is for your front door
which I slightly damaged

550
00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,389
by being thrown through it by my horse.

551
00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:09,917
And this is for your chickens
which I ran over with my hearse.

552
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:12,150
Thank you, monsieur.

553
00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:15,038
The ringing of your till
must be music to your ears.

554
00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:16,838
Music, yes.

555
00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:19,480
I could strangle the composer.

556
00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:21,118
- René.
- What?

557
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:24,476
If my mother spends
that forged note in the hat shop,

558
00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:26,278
our cover will be blown.

559
00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:29,158
Well, then, stop her. Where is she?

560
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:32,198
M Leclerc's taking her there
in the wheelchair.

561
00:32:32,280 --> 00:32:33,952
The wheelchair?

562
00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:35,996
Oh, no, not the wheelchair!

563
00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:38,640
What is it? Have you got the brake on?

564
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:41,871
- No, Fanny.
- Well, push harder.

565
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:44,190
The shop will close soon.

566
00:32:59,840 --> 00:33:02,593
M-Monsieur Leclerc, come back here! C...

567
00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:07,078
Fanny, my love,
what shall I do, what shall I do?

568
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:09,515
Turn right at the traffic lights,

569
00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:11,795
take the second on the left.

570
00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:13,472
Oh-oh-oh!