1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:28,469 Ooar! 2 00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:32,832 Ooh! 3 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:37,391 Are you by any chance curious to know why I am looking through this keyhole? 4 00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:42,315 In that room is Mme Lénard, of the Brides Parisienne Boutique, 5 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:46,871 which is a very grand name for one room above the ironmonger. 6 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,997 My wife Edith is still determined to marry me, 7 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:54,551 so Madame Lénard is showing her lingerie for our wedding night. 8 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:58,428 I was looking through the keyhole because Mme Lénard herself 9 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:01,717 is modelling a transparent nightgown. 10 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,870 And she is very well arranged. 11 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:07,679 The day of the wedding has not yet been fixed, 12 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:11,469 so I am a free man, unless I'm arrested by the Colonel 13 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:15,155 for stealing the sausage containing the priceless painting, 14 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:20,758 the title of which you know full well but I will just remind myself of it. 15 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:28,192 Oh, my God. Van Clomp would have run out of paint. 16 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:34,999 The priceless painting itself is on its way to the chateau with Maria 17 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:40,108 for Lieutenant Gruber to copy it, because he has artistic leanings. 18 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:44,318 Lieutenant Gruber is a very long way from the perpendicular. 19 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:52,279 René! I have been selecting for our wedding night some lovely surprises. 20 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:56,353 Mme Lénard has some beautiful things under the counter. 21 00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:59,796 She had some pretty good things above the counter as well. 22 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:04,670 Ooh, René. Something terrible has happened! I followed Maria. 23 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:08,992 She has been arrested by the personal guard of General von Klinkerhoffen! 24 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:11,310 Oh, my God! What will happen to her? 25 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:15,075 She has nothing to be afraid of. She is just a slip of a girl. 26 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:17,628 Not such a slip! Concealed among her bosom 27 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,029 is the knockwurst belonging to the Colonel, 28 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,076 containing the real painting. 29 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:25,470 If they torture her, she may reveal all our secrets! 30 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,233 My God! My hat! My coat! 31 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:32,359 Oh, my brave René! He is going to rescue her! 32 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:36,479 Are you mad? I am going to stay with my cousin in Bordeaux. 33 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:41,916 He has a loft. I can 'ide in it until the end of the war. 34 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:45,231 Stay where you are, you coward! How dare you think of leaving! 35 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,709 Is this how you want to be remembered? 36 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:49,916 I do not wish to be remembered at all. 37 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:53,470 - Tell them you've never heard of me. - Stay where you are! 38 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:56,028 Until you come to your senses. 39 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,315 René! What's going on? 40 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:03,076 Er... my wife was just proposing to me. 41 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,754 - Cognac. - Cognac. 42 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:08,149 René. Here. 43 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:13,268 We have had news from Helga that Herr Flick is looking for his sausage. 44 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:17,353 - Gruber has been sent to get it. - You did not tell him where it was? 45 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:22,514 He threatened to take away my livelihood by driving a tank through my café! 46 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:26,513 Drive a tank through your café? The German swine! 47 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:34,118 - But you held out. - He said he'd shoot my wife. 48 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:37,590 - That was when I cracked. - Oh, René! 49 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:39,955 - So you gave it to him? - Not exactly. 50 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:43,271 I sent it to Gruber so he could copy it and give it to you. 51 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,875 The copy will go to Herr Flick and then we are all in the clear. 52 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,951 Gruber will want some of the action. 53 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:52,874 There is one snag, Colonel. The sausage was sent with Maria, 54 00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:56,111 who has been captured by General von Klinkerhoffen. 55 00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:59,033 She had the sausage strapped across her bosom. 56 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,714 Any minute now, he may get his hands on it! 57 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:07,276 If Maria cracks under the interrogation, the General will arrest René. 58 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:11,239 And if he cracks, he'll say you gave him the painting 59 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:13,276 and you will be on the carpet. 60 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:14,998 - Dead. - You're right. 61 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:18,117 We'll shoot René now and stop the rot. 62 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,111 Thank you, Edith. 63 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:23,636 If you shoot René, then also you will have to shoot me. 64 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,280 Could you shoot her first? She's causing trouble. 65 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:29,996 (Knock on door) 66 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:35,879 Enter. 67 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:40,950 Ze French girl is outside. Are you ready to interview her? 68 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,838 Yes. Does she give any explanation for her presence? 69 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:47,037 She said she came to see Lieutenant Gruber, your ADC. 70 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,157 - Bring her in and send for Gruber. - Yes, General. 71 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:52,196 In here. 72 00:04:57,840 --> 00:04:59,796 You may go. 73 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,555 You are trembling. 74 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:19,159 Do not be afraid of me. I am not a monster. 75 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:22,038 - What is your name? - Marrria Rrrecamier. 76 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:27,509 You were found snooping around my headquarters. Why? 77 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:31,070 I had a rrrendezvous with Lieutenant Grrruber. 78 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,799 A most unlikely story. 79 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:37,156 But we should be able to verify this. I have sent for him. 80 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,836 You have very small feet. 81 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,757 Yes, General. 82 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:53,554 Hardly big enough to support the rest of you. 83 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,870 Take off your coat and your hat. 84 00:05:55,960 --> 00:06:00,317 I am cold. I would rather remain as I am. 85 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:02,550 Do not defy me, girl! 86 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:06,428 - I am reluctant. - Get them off, do you hear me? 87 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:10,199 Gruber! 88 00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:14,068 - I could come back later. - Come in and shut the door. 89 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:19,599 This girl tells me that she came to see you. 90 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:23,992 - Did you order a girl? - No, I don't think so. 91 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:28,039 Do not be afraid to own up. It is wartime and we are the conquerors. 92 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:31,192 - We all have our needs. - He ordered this! 93 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:37,751 I see. There really is nothing straightforward about you. 94 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:42,798 No, you misunderstand, General. 95 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:48,716 No, it was necessary for her to conceal the knockwurst in this way 96 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:54,272 in case the hungry French peasants fell upon her and devoured it. 97 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:58,437 You were, of course, going to present it to me, 98 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:00,795 hoping to ingratiate yourself with me. 99 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:03,075 You have got it in one. 100 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:05,116 Give it to me, girl. 101 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:14,313 - Shall I hang it for you? - No, you will not. 102 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,630 My, my. It is a whopper! 103 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:22,512 Ah, it has a little swastika. What a thoughtful touch. 104 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:24,591 What are you going to do with it? 105 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,638 The kitchen staff eat everything. 106 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,553 I shall hang it in my wardrobe to mature. 107 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:39,790 You may go, Gruber. 108 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,713 - What about the girl? - Do you have a use for her? 109 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:47,194 Nothing I can think of, no. 110 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:50,556 Hm. It occurs to me that some French peasants 111 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:53,234 have stolen ze motor of my mower. 112 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:57,359 Let it be known when the motor is returned, I will release the girl. 113 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:05,153 Go into the bedroom. 114 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,155 You may lie down there. 115 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,873 No, not on the bed! On the mat! 116 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:23,673 Long live France! 117 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:25,955 Do not push your luck. 118 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:30,789 Edith! Yvette! Ma... 119 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:34,475 Oh... Anyone! 120 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,436 How much longer must I wait here? 121 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,273 I am here, Mama. I am here. 122 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:46,194 I have been selecting lovely things for my wedding night. 123 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:50,637 Oh! For your wedding to M Alfonse. 124 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,518 No, Mama. I'm going to marry René. 125 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:57,991 René? No, no, no. No, Edith. No, no. Come here. Come here. 126 00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,036 Sit down. 127 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:03,829 Now, do not do this thing. 128 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:05,876 He is a no-good bum. 129 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:11,912 But Mama, I love him. And he is hiding we know not where. 130 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,833 Herr Flick of the Gestapo is looking for him. 131 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:17,070 Gestapo! Pah! 132 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:20,197 (Buzzer) 133 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:24,717 It's the knobs! It's the knobs! The flashing knobs! 134 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,756 (Screams) 135 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:34,030 What is this old bat doing in my bed? 136 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:37,635 This old bat is hiding from the Gestapo! 137 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,069 Gestapo! Pah! 138 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:45,636 René! It's the wireless. 139 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:48,917 Tell them Nighthawk has migrated. 140 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:54,233 You have the liver of a lily. I will get the British airmen to help. 141 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,476 (Both) Hello! 142 00:09:57,560 --> 00:09:59,710 - The wireless! - Ooh! It's going! 143 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,951 - Grab the other end, Carstairs. - Roger! 144 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:15,552 "Allo, Nighthawk. 'Allo, Nighthawk. 145 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:17,915 'Are the airmen with you? Over.' 146 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,834 Yes, they are both here beside me. Over. 147 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,354 'I have here their commanding officer. 148 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:26,635 'Put them on the line. Over.' 149 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:30,356 - Here. - Hell! 150 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:34,955 Hello! Fairfax here. 151 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,952 'Hello, Fairfax. Wing Commander Hargreaves here.' 152 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:41,350 It's Randy Hargreaves! Hello, sir! 153 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,954 - Hello! - 'Hello. 154 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:49,398 'Ls there any chance of you getting back? We're getting a bit short of pilots.' 155 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:53,393 The Resistance are planning to find an old crate from the museum. 156 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,631 They're going to put a motor-mower engine in it. 157 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:59,792 'A motor-mower engine? Is it reliable? ' 158 00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:02,599 It drove a Bath chair to the hat shop yesterday. 159 00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:05,069 - 'How far? ' - A couple of hundred yards. 160 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:08,550 'We won't count on you, then. Good luck. Over and out.' 161 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:10,392 Oh! 162 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,630 Edith, the police are here. 163 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:17,475 The police?! Police! Police! Back in there. 164 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:20,677 No, Edith. It is not the real police. 165 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:24,116 It is that English idiot who thinks he can speak French. 166 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,391 Good moaning. 167 00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:32,438 I have come to arrost your mither. 168 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,428 Arrest her mother? Why? What has she done? 169 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:40,229 She has been pissing fudged banknotes in the hit shop. 170 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:45,800 What does Crabtree say, Yvette? 171 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:50,476 I think he means she has been passing forged banknotes in the hat shop. 172 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:53,120 - Precoseley. - Edith. 173 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:56,829 Remind him he is supposed to be on our side. 174 00:11:56,920 --> 00:12:00,799 Who is the ugly old bog in the bed beside your mither? 175 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:04,475 I have been asking the same question. 176 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,750 It is I, René! 177 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:11,276 My Gid, that was a god disgueese. 178 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:14,909 I was completely deceived by the wog. 179 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:21,919 Edith, give him 500 francs from the till 180 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,560 and tell him to pass off. 181 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,674 There is no need to be rode. 182 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:32,998 Ah, yes. 183 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:36,959 This was taken last year at the Gestapo holiday camp. 184 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:41,756 See, they all wear black leather bathing shorts. 185 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,912 Some of them fit very well. 186 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,474 Here we are doing the leapfrog. 187 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:57,118 Oh dear. How amusing. 188 00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,237 We have all fallen over into a great big heap. 189 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,831 Now we are struggling to untangle ourselves. 190 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:10,274 Now we are jumping in the icy waters of the lake. 191 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,749 It's just as well. 192 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,029 Here we are doing the exercises. 193 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:20,475 Why are some of you wearing skirts? 194 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:23,677 The ones wearing skirts are girls. 195 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:28,469 I didn't know you had girls in the Gestapo! 196 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:32,394 Who do you think types the threatening letters? 197 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:35,995 - (Phone) - Why is my phone ringing? Answer it! 198 00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:41,992 Why is this phone ringing? Why do you not read instructions? 199 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:45,197 Herr Flick has his calls held till five o'clock. 200 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:47,271 You thought it said what? 201 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:54,349 It most certainly did not. 202 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:57,477 Someone has written it down incorrectly. 203 00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:01,438 He thought it said four o'clock. 204 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,909 - It's very urgent. - Flick. 205 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:07,310 Yes, von Smallhausen. 206 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:14,678 I see. You have done vell. I vill deal with the matter. 207 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:20,596 Von Smallhausen has discovered that the sausage containing the painting 208 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:25,231 is hanging in the wardrobe of General von Klinkerhoffen. 209 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,629 Oh dear. What do we do? 210 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:30,678 What if he has it for breakfast? 211 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:33,069 We must substitute a real knockwurst 212 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,993 for the knockwurst containing the painting. 213 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:39,197 But how do we gain access to the General's quarters 214 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,236 without arousing suspicion? 215 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:46,029 There are in the chateau many secret passages. 216 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:50,989 If the attention of the General is diverted by a woman of the opposite sex 217 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:55,551 in whom he has already expressed an interest, 218 00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:58,359 I would have time to affect the switch. 219 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,000 And where would we find such a woman? 220 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:06,440 The General has already indicated to me 221 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:09,796 that he considers you a great piece of crackling. 222 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,920 Do you think I could pull it off? 223 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:18,276 You have read my thoughts. 224 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:23,069 You will enter his quarters, you will take the gramophone. 225 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,879 You will wind it up and do a teasing dance, 226 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,758 pulling off various outer garments. 227 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:33,197 This will distract his attention for two and a half minutes. 228 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,236 Will it work? 229 00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,470 It always worked with me. 230 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:43,151 (Tunelessly) # It's a long, long way to Tipperary 231 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:49,679 ♪ But my heart's right there ♪ 232 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:56,435 Colonel, a little bit of cheese has dropped inside my ear hole. 233 00:15:56,520 --> 00:16:00,115 - What shall I do? - Try banging your head on the table. 234 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,870 The dear Captain. How he loves my singing. 235 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:13,960 (Singing in Italian) 236 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,632 Oh, 'eck. 237 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,517 Psst! 238 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:33,835 It is I, Leclerc. 239 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:37,434 Man of a thousand faces... 240 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:40,398 every one the same. 241 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:43,836 I am an old Italiano organ-a grinder... 242 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:48,516 Keep your voice down! You're embarrassing the monkey. 243 00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:52,832 I have-a da bad-a news. Maria is-a de hostage. 244 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:57,550 They will not give her back till we return-a the motor. 245 00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:00,632 - We must rescue her. - And the sausage! 246 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,280 The knockwurst that was round her knockers 247 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:06,716 is in the wardrobe of the General. 248 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:11,920 Could we not train the monkey to go in and steal the sausage? 249 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,353 (Chuckles) 250 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:17,956 He's been on the organ-a ten years, he can't even turn-a the handle. 251 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,713 Go about your business. Keep your ear to the ground. 252 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:23,553 (Sings in Italian) 253 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:28,428 René, Michelle wishes to see you in the back room. 254 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,636 Ah. Look after the bar. 255 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,200 - Where is she? - I am here. 256 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:38,191 Oh. 257 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,518 Listen very carefully. I shall say this only once. 258 00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:47,797 Good. This position is killing me. 259 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:51,395 Tonight there is no moon. Here are the details of ze plan 260 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,199 to enable you to steal the aeroplane from the museum. 261 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,350 - What?! - We cannot! 262 00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:59,637 Maria is in the hands of General von Klinkerhoffen! 263 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:02,837 General von Klinkerhoffen? That ruthless fiend? 264 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:06,435 He wants his motor returned in exchange for her freedom. 265 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,239 But without the motor, the plane cannot fly. 266 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,788 So we are up the creek without a paddle. 267 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:15,475 - René and I will rescue her. - You speak for yourself! 268 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:17,994 - I have a plan! - Oh... 269 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:21,277 I know all the secret passages at the chateau. 270 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:24,318 I worked as a serving maid there when I was a girl. 271 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:28,188 That was so long ago they could all have collapsed by now. 272 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:31,511 This is very serious news, Lieutenant Gruber. 273 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:34,398 Very serious. 274 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:37,790 Hans, you have been to staff college. 275 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:41,839 How do you get a sausage out of a wardrobe... 276 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,638 in a general's dressing room? 277 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:47,315 Hmm, I think I must have been away that day. 278 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:52,633 Colonel, the marquis who constructed the chateau 279 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:57,919 built into it many secret passages in which runaway priests used to hide. 280 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:01,515 - Who was chasing them? - Mostly the marquis. 281 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,160 I read about it in the chateau library. 282 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:06,037 There is also a map. 283 00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:09,078 One such passage leads to the General's dressing room. 284 00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:11,390 Ah. Now we are getting there. 285 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:15,758 You, Hans, can creep down this passage and grab the sausage. 286 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,400 - But he will see it has gone. - Good point. 287 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:23,873 Yes, I thought so, too. I have a very clear, analytical mind. 288 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,955 It's still there. 289 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:34,477 You will put another sausage in its place! 290 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:38,439 But what if the General comes out of his bedroom? 291 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:44,390 I have it. Lieutenant Gruber can occupy the General's attention. 292 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:48,918 I do not quite see how I could do this. 293 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:53,471 You'll find it easy. You have an engaging, sparkling personality, 294 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,552 a roguish smile. 295 00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:59,313 What German general could resist you at 1am 296 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:03,029 with a bottle of whisky in your pyjamas? 297 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:05,634 I learned that at the staff college. 298 00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:08,757 - Very well. I will do it. - Good! 299 00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:15,955 So, while I am leading René through the secret passages 300 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,838 to switch the sausages in the dressing room, 301 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:22,993 you, Yvette, will enter the chateau disguised as a serving maid. 302 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:29,033 You will go to the General's bedroom with an hot-water bottle. 303 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:32,351 Give Maria this note, telling her of a secret entrance 304 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,510 inside the wardrobe in the bedroom. 305 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,909 Then distract him for two minutes. 306 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,514 She can escape and René can get the sausage. 307 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:44,037 A more harebrained scheme I have never in my life heard. 308 00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,395 But how do I distract the General? 309 00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:49,392 Shall I take the flying helmet and the wet celery? 310 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,477 No! You are a serving maid. 311 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,438 Make do with a feather duster. 312 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:02,590 (Owl hooting) 313 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,592 Are you listening? I wish a snack. 314 00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:10,151 Send up some smoked salmon, caviar, cold chicken, 315 00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:13,073 strudel and a bottle of champagne on ice. 316 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:16,152 Is that clear? Let it be done. 317 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:21,750 General. Please, may I return to my home now? 318 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:25,469 Certainly not. You're my hostage. You will remain here. 319 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:27,471 But I am a civilised person. 320 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:29,949 I will allow you to share in my snack. 321 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:32,315 I will not eat with an enemy of France! 322 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:36,075 The night is young. We shall see. Get back on the mat. 323 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:44,674 You must stay close. These passages are very complicated. 324 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:47,718 For the sake of heaven, Edith, I... Edith? 325 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:18,117 René? René, where are you? 326 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,156 (Knocking) 327 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:29,119 If you do not stay close behind me, you will get lost. 328 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:31,998 - Where are we now? - This is the Great Hall. 329 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,469 When I was a serving girl I used to polish it. 330 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:36,915 We are supposed to be in the bedroom! 331 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:38,911 It is a short cut. 332 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:42,356 Who ever heard of a short cut in a secret passage? 333 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:44,749 Somebody's coming! 334 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,115 (Footsteps) 335 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:04,478 They have gone. 336 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,791 We are going to get caught. We are going to get caught! 337 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:09,836 Pansy! 338 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:16,958 Listen. At the end of the stairs is the entrance to a secret passage 339 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:19,679 which leads to the General's dressing room. 340 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:21,751 Follow me. 341 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:24,479 - (Heavy footsteps) - Shh! 342 00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:26,676 Mind my polish! 343 00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:40,270 Hans, where are we? 344 00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:43,033 - In the cellars. - I know that! 345 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:47,033 Whereabouts in the cellars? Look at Gruber's plan of the chateau. 346 00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:51,159 It um... It all depends on whether that is the north 347 00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:53,196 or that is the north. 348 00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:57,353 - Have you got a compass? - Yes, on my Swiss Army knife. 349 00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:59,829 Hang on. Here we are. 350 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:04,113 That is the north. 351 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:07,317 In that case, we are going the wrong way. 352 00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:12,150 Quick! There's somebody coming. 353 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:15,475 Who are you? What are you doing? 354 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:23,319 Hans, you fool! What are you doing? 355 00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,960 You're knocking out our own people! 356 00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:27,996 It was a good shot, wasn't it? 357 00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:50,197 - What are you looking for? - There was concealed here a knob. 358 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:53,955 Hurry up. Yvette will be doing her piece in three minutes. 359 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:01,596 Shh! 360 00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:06,636 Someone approaches! Quickly! Hide! 361 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,719 Leave me alone! Go somewhere else! 362 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:39,074 Edith, you did not tell me this place was haunted! 363 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:42,835 A suit of armour with a limp has just walked past. 364 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,434 Look out! Someone else is coming! 365 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:24,636 (Creaking) 366 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:48,876 - Who is there? - Your refreshments. 367 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:51,235 A moment! Come here. 368 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:55,154 A German general should not be seen with a French peasant girl. 369 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:57,549 Get in the cupboard and stay there. 370 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:03,639 Enter. 371 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:07,759 I'm afraid there was no caviar, Herr General. 372 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:10,752 I'm sorry. Instead I have obtained some cod's roe. 373 00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:13,752 Hm. Unfortunately I can tell the difference. 374 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:15,990 Oh, well. So be it. 375 00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:18,594 - Shall I bring it in? - Of course. 376 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,832 The coast is clear. Come out. 377 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:44,673 Will you join me in a glass of champagne? 378 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:48,639 Only if you promise to release me. 379 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:50,756 We will discuss this after dinner. 380 00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:58,748 - Who is there? - It is the maid! 381 00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:01,673 A moment! Quick, back in the cupboard! 382 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:06,756 What kind of relationship can we have 383 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:10,435 if you throw me in the cupboard every time we're interrupted? 384 00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:13,478 When the maid is gone, we will be alone. 385 00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:18,471 Enter! 386 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:23,155 - I've come to warm your bed. - That is not necessary. 387 00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:26,676 My bed will be warmed by more interesting methods. 388 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:30,479 - You may turn it down. - Yes, Herr General. 389 00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:44,231 René! What are you doing under the bed? 390 00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:47,198 What are you doing in the commode? 391 00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:49,999 I have come up the wrong passage. 392 00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:58,711 - How do we get in? - I am looking for the knob! 393 00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:01,109 Ow! 394 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:05,713 How is it I have not seen you before? 395 00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:09,873 Normally, I am peeling potatoes in the kitchen. 396 00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:13,748 But I can also peel other things. 397 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:23,839 How dare you assume that I would compromise myself with you? 398 00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:26,195 - (Knocking) - Who is there? 399 00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:30,319 - (Yelling) It is I, Helga! - What do you want? 400 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:33,710 I have for you a present from Herr Flick. 401 00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:36,030 - A moment! - I will hide in the wardrobe. 402 00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:38,588 No, no! It's full! Under the bed! 403 00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:45,836 Do not ask. 404 00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,390 Enter. 405 00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:53,796 The present. 406 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:57,156 Am I to understand that Herr Flick has sent me at 1am 407 00:29:57,240 --> 00:29:59,674 a present of a gramophone? 408 00:29:59,760 --> 00:30:03,116 Not only this, General. He has sent me. 409 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:09,110 (# Sultry jazz) 410 00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:48,916 Ha! The wardrobe! 411 00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:57,038 - What's going on? - Helga is doing a striptease. 412 00:30:57,120 --> 00:31:00,396 We haven't got time for that... Helga?! 413 00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:21,233 Oh, Colonel. I'm all steamed up. 414 00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:24,073 - Get the sausage. - Oh, the sausage! 415 00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:36,234 - We've got to go. Come on. - Oh, Colonel! 416 00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:53,591 My God, if he finds me under here, I am a dead duck! 417 00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:20,072 Rrrené! My brave René! 418 00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:25,359 Press your lips to my lips so we can die in one grand embrace! 419 00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:30,070 René! What are you doing in the wardrobe with Maria?! 420 00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:32,628 You stupid woman! 421 00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:35,473 What do you think I am doing in here? 422 00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:37,915 She has fainted with cold fear. 423 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:40,992 I am reviving her with the 'eat from my body. 424 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:43,753 Just you wait till I get you 'ome. 425 00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:55,552 ♪ Someday I'll find you 426 00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:58,200 ♪ Leap up behind you... ♪ 427 00:32:59,960 --> 00:33:02,110 (Gramophone slowing down) 428 00:33:10,520 --> 00:33:14,069 Oh, dear. Is there anything I can do? 429 00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:17,151 Yes, wind the gramophone. 430 00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:21,950 And if you don't fancy that one, there's a spare in the wardrobe!