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♪ Every little breeze seems to whisper Louise
♪ Birds in the trees seem to twitter Louise
♪ Each little... ♪ Ah.
I am singing an 'appy song because I am an 'appy man.
The two airmen are now in the mortuary.
The mortuary of M Alfonse, the undertaker.
They are not dead! No, they are waiting to tunnel into
the British prisoner of war camp across the road.
And so I have seen the last of them.
The Fallen Madonna With The Big you-know-whats
is in the office of the Colonel, and good riddance to it.
I can now deal with the everyday problems of running my café.
These problems are -
one, to prevent Maria from knowing that I am having an affair with Yvette.
Two, to prevent Yvette from knowing that I am having it off with Maria.
And three, to prevent my wife from knowing
that I am having a ding-dong with both of them.
The reason am I sitting out here polishing the cutlery
is so that I can see when my wife goes into the shop
of M Cheval, the butcher.
Ah, yes, she is entering.
Yes, he is greeting her.
Now he is pointing at a chicken with his chopper.
These negotiations will take at least ten minutes
and could include a visit to the cold room.
So, I have a little time to spare.
Yvette?
Rrrrrrené!
Oh, my little wood pigeon!
My big goose.
Ohhh... Ooh!
Oh, René, can you feel the wild beating of my 'eart
through this thin blouse?
No. Press harder.
René, how much longer can we go on like this?
How long does it take to pluck a chicken?
René, I know how you must feel when I am with other men
but do not worry, all the time I am thinking of you.
Ah. And when I am with my wife,
all the time I am thinking of you.
It does not help.
- I must go. - Oh, no!
- Oh, yes. - Hold me for one last time.
Ooh!
Oh.
René! Come to me tonight. I will give you a signal when all is clear.
What will the signal be?
Er... I will take the red light out of my window.
Oh, Yvette! Always the romantic.
Go now, my child.
- Ha! - Rrrené!
Maria!
Ooh, René!
How much longer can we go on like this?
As long as my wife is strong enough to get to the butchers.
Rrrené, come to my rrroom tonight.
No, Maria, it is too risky.
How about the airing cupboard next to the bathrrroom?
It is too hot.
This time I will stand with my back to the tank.
Oh, well, very well.
I will see that my wife has a good bath to run off as much hot water as possible.
Oh, Rrrené!
Put zat girl down and listen very carefully.
I shall say this only once.
The airmen are in the mortuary but the digging of the tunnel is too slow.
They have come to an 'ard bit. They need 'elp.
Why cannot the undertakers help?
They are digging graves.
In the graves they put the earth that is dug from the tunnel.
If they are putting the earth from the tunnels in the graves,
where are they putting the earth from the graves?
They are digging other graves.
Will not the Germans become suspicious with all the graves?
Not if we keep shooting Germans to put in them.
You are very determined, are you not?
Edith! How much longer have I to remain like this
with my legs in the air?
Quiet, Mama.
René is just bringing the new batteries for the radio.
These are damned heavy, open it up.
Edith. Edith!
Now, I have heard that last night the German swine
took away my painting of the flowers.
Be thankful they did not steal the silver.
That was given to me by a penniless artist
who went round the twist.
It looked as if he was round the twist when he painted it.
Ah, but he was so in love with me.
He said if I did not marry him
he would take a knife and cut off bits of his person
and send them to me.
What happened to him?
Oh, he went away.
But I remember...
I did receive - by registered post -
an ear.
An ear?
What was his name?
Well, I called him Bobby.
Thank God for that.
Well, I thought Vincent sounded too poofy.
Vincent! You silly old bat! That was a Van Gogh.
All this time we have had a Van Gogh and we did not know.
- You said it was a worthless daub. - What do I know?
- (Buzzer) - Ah! The flashing bed knobs!
"Allo, Nighthawk. 'Allo, Nighthawk. Are you receiving me? Over.'
'Allo, 'allo. Nighthawk here.
Give that to me!
You are not Nighthawk, I am Nighthawk.
You are Mrs Nighthawk.
'Allo, 'allo, this is Nighthawk.
Pass your message, please. Over.
'Has Old Mother Hubbard got together with Miss Muffet
'and Little Boy Blue? Over.'
Look it up, Edith. Has Old Mother Hubbard got together
with Miss Muffet and Little Boy Blue?
The way people carry on these days, I'm not surprised.
- Shut up. - It means,
"Are the airmen inside the prisoner of war camp?"
We must tell them no.
Little Boy Blue is still holding Miss Muffet's tuffet.
But we are hoping to get them up the beanstalk tonight. Over.
Did you write down the message, von Smallhausen?
- As you ordered, Herr Flick. - What does it mean?
Fortunately, I was educated at Oxford.
These are nursery rhymes.
There must be some connection.
As I recall, Mother Hubbard was the one who had the cupboard.
- Airmen can hide in a cupboard. - Excellent.
Little Miss Muffet, she had the tuffet.
What is a tuffet?
A tuffet is a mound of earth
similar to that thrown up by the mole.
And where do moles live? Underground!
They have been hidden in the cupboard by the Underground.
Now...
what did Little Boy Blue have?
- I cannot remember. - Think, von Smallhausen.
Your whole career may depend on it.
Ahh! It all comes back.
Oxford, the river, the dreaming spires.
He had the horn.
The French horn.
They have been hidden by the French Underground in this cupboard.
Now, where is the cupboard?
Is there no clue we have missed?
We have the tuffet, the horn, the cupboard.
Mother Hubbard was looking in the cupboard
to find for her poor doggie a bone.
A bone? And where do you find bones?
- At the butchers? - Where else, von Smallhausen?
In the graveyard.
Where lately there has been much digging.
We will investigate.
You have an incredible brain, Herr Flick.
Do not be a little crawler.
- Ah. Good day to you, Captain. - Hello.
I have brought you your usual.
One does not normally see you without the Colonel.
He is cross with me. We are hardly speaking.
All he said this morning was, "Heil Hitler."
Not exactly the start of a sparkling conversation.
What is the reason for this rupture in your relationship?
- The shooting last night. - That was not your fault.
You did not shoot anybody, it was my jealous, impetuous wife.
She used my gun.
He's like that, the Colonel.
He confiscated my jackboots once just because I refused to kick a peasant.
I can tell you I'm not enjoying this war.
You surprise me, Captain.
You always seem to be having such fun.
One has to keep up appearances.
It's not easy, goose-stepping about, shouting and ranting.
It is hard to be a conquering hero when it is not in your nature.
- Why do you do it? - Oh, it is Hitler.
He's a very demanding chap.
Yeah, of course.
There is nothing worse than a bad-tempered decorator.
We had one here once.
René, that bribe you gave to the policeman, will it keep him quiet?
You can rely on it.
René...
I cannot thank you enough.
I will do anything for you, René.
I'll bring perfume, silk stockings...
any little luxury you care to name.
Thermal underwear.
Am I interrupting anything?
No, no, no.
We're just discussing a little private matter.
I see.
I, er, I hope there were no repercussions over the shooting here last night.
Shooting? No, no. Did you see a shooting?
Not that I can recall, no.
Mind you, it was a very lively evening.
- I understand. - Ah, Colonel. Good day to you.
Good day, René.
- Good day, Hubert. - Hello.
Heil Hitler.
Say Heil Hitler for me.
Have you two you fallen out?
We have.
- Over a girl? - No, not over a girl.
I see.
Hubert, what's happening about the paintings?
I have taken them to my quarters.
- Good. - There I can copy the Fallen Madonna.
- Twice. - Twice.
Ah. I'd better make a note of this.
- My pencil. - Thank you.
Madonna With Big Boobies.
Two.
One for Hitler, one for Flick.
- The original returned to me. - You mean returned to us, don't you?
He's still ignoring me, you see?
The General has also asked me to make a copy of the Van Gogh.
Is he sending the original to Hitler?
No, he is sending the copy to Hitler.
Would you believe it!
You'd think a general would be above that sort of thing.
I know a colonel is not but you'd think a general would be.
Lieutenant, dear Lieutenant, while you are at it,
could you make another copy of the Van Gogh?
Tell the General it is the real one
and return the original to me, the rightful owner.
- That would be dishonest. - Not if we split the proceeds.
Another copy, Gruber.
That is two Van Goghs...
and two Fallen Madonnas.
Four boobies.
(# Organ)
Sister, you will come here.
I am here, Herr Father.
Give to me my powerful binoculars.
At once, Herr Father.
What was it you were hoping to see, Herr Father?
I have already seen what I was hoping to see.
There is much digging and very little burying.
What do we do now?
We wait.
Do you wish me to kiss you?
Not while you are dressed as a nun! It will give offence.
Who would it upset?
It would upset me.
Von Smallhausen, stop snooping and take your smoke bomb elsewhere.
Please, Father, I have sinned.
I have a joined a house of ill repute
where wicked girls cavort in scanty clotheses and are naughty with men.
Well? What am I supposed to do about it?
You must give to this wicked girl a penance.
I see.
Go home and say 100 Heil Hitlers.
You let her off very lightly, Herr Father.
Usually you are much more severe.
(Choral singing)
Overture and beginners, please.
Come, Sister, we are on.
Damned hard work, Fairfax.
Yes, I know. And you've laddered your stocking.
How's it going, chaps?
We've hit rock or something. We really need a drill.
We can't do that! You'd make to much noise.
Couldn't you drum up some extra bods?
We're getting some help from the café.
- How's it going, Simpson? - It's a bit sticky, sir.
It's not easy with teaspoons.
Do bash along, we've got a few hours before the inspection.
Good evening, all.
Oh, my God.
Ah! Officer!
Welcome to my 'umble café.
Psst.
It is I, Leclerc.
No!
I have a message from Michelle.
Where have you been? We have been waiting for instructions.
Madame, a lady reported seeing a flasher.
- And you had to arrest him? - Er, no.
I had to disguise myself as a policemen so she would not recognise him.
What is your message?
You are to go at once to the mortuary and help with the digging.
How are we to get there? The place is stiff with Germans.
Here, take this upstairs to my mother.
Tell her she must take over the bar while we are gone.
Very good, madame.
How long will you go on not speaking to me?
This has not happened to me since I was a boy at school
and they sent me to Coventry.
This is a terrible thing to happen when you are at school in Düsseldorf.
Oh! Why is that waitress leaning over and showing her suspenders?
Ha! You see?
So you can hear.
Oh, 'eck! Here comes that English idiot who thinks he can speak our language.
Good moaning.
Do you want the good nose or the bad nose?
Oh, do let us have the good nose.
I have hashed up the shatting of the two tits.
What does Crabtree say, Yvette?
He has hushed up the shooting of the two tarts.
Good. And what is the bad nose?
The Gestapo are hoovering around the graveyid
disgeesed as a nan, a boshop
and a Roman Catholic farter.
I knew I should not have asked.
Where are the airmen?
They have taken spades,
they have crapt along the tunnel...
and are dogging.
Well, that does not sound like a lot of fun.
We are supposed to be helping them.
What are we to do?
With my disgeese as poloceman
I am oble to escoot you there.
Can you not find a phrasebook and improve your French?!
It is terrible.
Nobody has comploned so for.
If they do, I will toll them I am from the Left Bonk.
Yvette, Maria.
Go and collect all the flowers so we can take them with us.
What excuse do we give to the Colonel and the Captain?
You leave this to me.
Dear Colonel, dear Captain, forgive us
but we are departing to pay our respect to the two women
who I unfortunately shot with your gun.
Come.
Hans, they're up to something.
Ooh! Uncle Kurt, you're speaking to me.
Oh, what a relief!
Let that be a lesson to you.
I think we should follow René.
General von Klinkerhoffen told us to watch the café.
You're right. We should obey orders.
We will watch the café.
Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight it is cabaret time at the Café René.
And in the absence of Madame Edith
please to welcome,
from the Folies Bergères,
Madame Fanny Lafanne.
(Piano plays)
♪ Take me to your 'eart again
♪ Let's make a start again
♪ Forgiving and forgetting... ♪
I was right in the first place, we will follow René.
What about ze orders?
Officers must use their initiative.
Besides, there's no cheese for our ears.
♪ Dearest
♪ Let's turn back ze years
♪ Let smiles come after tears
♪ Like sunshine after rain
♪ I'm yearning for you
♪ By night and by day
♪ Praying that soon I hear you saying
♪ I love you
- (Piano speeds up) - # And we'll never part again
♪ If you will... ♪
That sermon you gave was most moving, Herr Father.
Bishop von Smallhausen had tears running down his cheeks.
That's because this thing would not go out.
Still there is much digging. There is something behind this.
Let us go to the mortuary...
to interrogate the undertaker.
With Herr Flick, life is never dull.
I shan't go out with girls any more after this.
You've put me off.
I've been digging just as hard as you have.
- (Clattering) - KV! Someone's coming.
Pull your skirt down.
It's OK, chaps, it's only me.
I must love you now, so good lick.
Where is M Alfonse?
He's in the tunnel, having a dig.
I think there are rats. We can hear a lot of scratching.
That'll be the chaps in the POW camp tunnelling out.
- So we may not have far to go. - Yes, we must dig like fury.
- It's jolly tiring. - Murder on the old hands and knees.
- What was that? - (Creaking)
M Alfonse at your service.
Swiftly and with style.
And temporarily knackered.
What is your progress report?
The tunnel...
is what is known as bunged up with loose earth.
It is the disposal, what we call in my trade,
of the muck... that consumes all the time.
Very well.
Chaps, in you go. Dig for your life.
We'll arrange a chain to get rid of the earth.
Get in there. When your pots are full, pass them back.
How long are we going to be down there?
Fill them with earth. Dummy.
Get a move on, Simpson. The operation's slowing up.
I'm doing my best.
- (Banging) - Shh!
- (Scratching) - It's getting quite loud.
Bash on, we're nearly there.
Here, René, take these.
Stop poking me with your pot.
Fill it up and give me another one.
I am a pot passer, not a pot filler.
Here you are. There. Are you satisfied?
Oh. This is very good quality.
When we're finished, I would like some of these for the café.
Always the entrepreneur.
Where shall I put the rrrefuse?
- I will take it. - It is brrrimming over.
M Alfonse, the Colonel and the Captain are approaching.
- Oh, my God! - Warn them in the tunnel, two Jerries.
Warn them in the tunnel, two Jerries are coming.
Two Jerries are coming!
- Two Jerries are coming. - Two Jerries are coming.
I can only deal with one at a time.
I think I'm through.
Jolly good show.
My God! French crumpet.
They must be desperate if they're tunnelling in.
- Hello. - Hello!
Good God! It's Fairfax and Carstairs from 402 Squadron.
- What are you doing? - We're trying to get in. You?
We're trying to get out.
(Michelle) Chaps, Jerries are coming.
- Quick! Back up. - Right. Come on.
I'm sorry if I've caught you at an inconvenient moment.
Can I help you?
I'm looking for M René, who I observed entering these premises.
He's not here.
We will search. Hans, search.
Search, search.
- Is there a dead body in here? - Hopefully.
We put a screwdriver in with them in case we make a mistake.
How far do you want me to go?
- What do you mean? - It is spooky.
Open the coffin.
It is full of earth.
Why is this coffin full of earth?
I am growing mushrooms.
I do not see any mushrooms.
That is probably because they have not yet come up.
There's earth on the floor. Hans, help me.
No, monsieur! You cannot.
You cannot defile the tomb of the departed.
Why is there earth in your pot?
I am trying to cultivate the stone of the avocado pear.
Do you have to sit on it to cultivate it?
Monsieur, it requires a warm temperature.
- I grew one on a damp flannel. - Shut up, Hans!
Lift.
- It is a tunnel! - A tunnel?!
How did that get in there?
We must find out where it leads.
Hans, you go first.
(Knock)
Now, what's going on?
We are being hunted by the Gestapo and Jerry troops.
- The whole lot of them. - Without uniforms, we'll be shot.
- What about this lot? - French Resistance - we'll be shot too.
My God, Simpson, there's an inspection in five minutes.
Of course. With the Kraut general.
- We'd better hide them. - Will someone tell me what is going on?
- They are going to 'ide us. - Why not go back in the tunnel?
The Colonel and the Captain are coming down it.
My God! What am I going to do?
How about trying to behave like the bravest man in all France?
Hans, I'm stuck.
- Ooh! - Give me a pull.
Yes. One...
(Both)... two, three.
Oh! Now look what you have done!
We are trapped and I suffer from claustrophobia.
I have ever since my mother tried to smuggle me out of Berlin in a suitcase.
- Why would she do that? - So my father wouldn't know about me.
I say! There are some more coming.
- They're dressed as Krauts. - That's because they are.
Hold my gun while I get out.
The tunnel has come out in England.
Everyone here is under arrest.
(PA) 'Attention. Stand by for inspection
'by General von Klinkerhoffen.'
- General von Klinkerhoffen! - Von Klinkerhoffen!
There is a gun in your back.
If you give us away, you will be the first to die.
Do exactly as I say.
And listen very carefully. She will say this only once.
(PA) 'Everybody out. Everybody out. Raus! '
Raus! Raus!
Raus!
'Stand by for inspection by General von Klinkerhoffen.'
Ten-hut!
The British prisoners are ready for inspection, General.
They do not look ready.
They are a surly, bad-disciplined rabble.
They are not easy to control.
All British prisoners of war are the same. Lead ze way.
- Is everything under control? - They've got the Krauts covered.
- What happens if they spot any of them? - I gave them a few English phrases.
- Stop talking in the ranks! - Up yours.
- (Laughter) - Silence!
Silence!
Temper, temper.
Hello!
Hello.
Bang on.
Wizard prank.
Hip, hip.
Toodle-oo.
Chocks away.
Hello, old fruit.
(To Colonel Bogey tune) # Hitler has only got one... #
Silence! Silence!
If this is the standard of British airmen,
how did Goering lose the Battle of Britain?
That was a narrow escape.
Narrow escape? We are locked up in a prisoner of war camp.
And the café opens for dinner at seven.
And your mother has the keys to my till.
Drive on.
One, two, three, four.
(# All whistling Colonel Bogey)